the Art of Parenting

theCloverPages.com

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 09:25:00 +0000

Michele Dennis (kindredmedia.com.au & theartofparenting.blogspot.com) and Jesse Atkinson (kindredmedia.com.au & Kindred e-newsletter) have just launched a new website -

theCloverPages.com

This site has four main categories:

• self care - health and beauty, personal development, relationships.
• home life - food, cooking and gardening, non-toxic cleaning and sustainable home.
• children - everything to do with kids, and the joys and complexities they bring.
• community, environment and global.

See you there!

Michele & Jesse

The Art of a Proper Holiday

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 10:03:00 +0000

I have a confession to make. This is not what I intended to write about for the January newsletter. I have a half-finished article on cyber-bullying on a word document, stuck in my laptop. Here's what happened:

Our week-long holiday was fast approaching and the article was still not finished. Partly due to school holidays and partly due to good, old fashioned procrastination.

Suddenly I had a great idea! I could take my laptop along and finish it while the kids were swimming, or otherwise occupied - just like all the other journalists and bloggers do all the time.

Well, somehow things didn't work out the way I planned and I was unable to access wireless in our quaint seaside village and after jumping through several hoops and getting nowhere I decided to give up on my quest to get the article finished and get back to my holiday.

Through all of this I learned a valuable lesson - finish your work before you start your holiday!

The lure of modern technology is enticing but it can let you down. And a holiday is meant to be a break from the daily grind.

So now it's back to the beach for me.

I just hope I can remember this valuable lesson next year!

Michele Dennis

New Website - Coming Soon

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:18:00 +0000

Michele Dennis (kindredmedia.com.au & theartofparenting.blogspot.com) and Jesse Atkinson (kindredmedia.com.au & Kindred e-newsletter) are launching a new website very soon.

This site will have four main categories:

• self care - health and beauty, personal development, relationships.
• home life - food, cooking and gardening, non-toxic cleaning and sustainable home.
• children - everything to do with kids, and the joys and complexities they bring.
• community, environment and global.

The only problem is - we don't have a name.

So we are are having an online brainstorming session, starting now and running until Saturday the 23rd of January.

And the person who comes up with the best name will win a $100 gift voucher from http://www.barenakedbeauty.com.au - the No.1 online boutique for the best natural, and organic skin care, hair care and body care brands!

There are a few ideas that have crossed our minds when thinking of a name -

1. Something to do with the place you go to connect with people in your community. Front porch, verandah, back fence. Something that gives you that neighborhood feeling.

2. Trees. We like trees and all that they symbolise-shade, protection, growth, change, rebirth.

3. Random one word name. Think - Life, Seed, Google, Frankie, Time, Apple... but please don't feel limited by this - just something to get you started.

To participate, just add your idea (or ideas...) to the list. You can also vote on ideas already here.

The winning entry will be announced here on Monday the 25th of January and we will give out our email address for the winner to send us their details to protect their privacy.

There are over 170 names already on the list, so please share your ideas and/or vote here: http://tinyurl.com/y88xnxu

Thanks in advance!

Jesse & Michele

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:59:00 +0000

Hi Michele

My query is in relation to establishing a daytime sleep routine, for my 5 month old daughter. We seem to have the night routine sussed, but day sleeps are not going so well.

I have just started (in the last month) trying to get her to sleep in her cot during the day. I feed her and she falls asleep and then place her in the cot. She then will sleep for anywhere between 10 mins and occasionally up to an hour. Some days she will wake straight away and cry. If I lie down and sleep with her she will stay asleep for up to two hours. This is great but sometimes I would like a bit of time to myself or need a bit of time to do something.

I like the idea of attachment parenting and practice it as much as possible, but would like to be to have a break during the day. I have worked as a nanny and in childcare and been really good with routines, but don’t seem to be able to do this with my own daughter. I don’t believe in leaving her to cry herself to sleep, so need some suggestions on alternatives to promote a happy day time sleep routine/ritual that has a positive influence on my daughter’s emotional wellbeing.

Kind Regards
Jodie
WA

Hi Jodie,

The main thing to keep in mind is that these upheavals in the rhythm of the day are usually short lived. Most babies thrive on a regular rhythm to the day and just because you are experiencing some difficulty right now, does not mean that your baby is done with routines forever. Most babies will fall into a slightly different pattern before too long. Sometimes it may take a little encouragement or creative thinking to get through a rough patch.

Please read a similar question I answered in May for some suggestions on daytime sleeps. You can find it here.

One option I didn’t consider when I wrote the last post which works for some mothers is to lie down with the baby and have some rest at the same time. Then you may be able to have some time to yourself later in the evening. Everyone is different and this may not work for you.

I remember when my first son was a baby, he was one of those babies who wanted to be as close to me as possible at all times. It was very difficult to get him to sleep and even more challenging to have him stay asleep. Before I would nurse him to sleep I would put a cup of tea next to the bed along with a book or magazine, this way he could sleep with me by his side and I could relax and read for an hour or so.

I know from my own experiences that finding a parenting style that works for you can be difficult. Attachment parenting and daily routines are not mutually exclusive. You can still take cues from you baby and have a rhythm to your day. Just keep in mind that baby will sometimes decide that the day is going to go a little differently than you planned. As I said before, that doesn’t mean that all is lost and you should give up on routine all together. I am not a believer in controlled crying and you can read more about why in this great article by Pinky McKay.

Small babies change every day and those changes bring new challenges. When feeling overwhelmed please remember to reach out to someone. Life with a small baby can be very overwhelming. Even the most experienced people can go through times of difficulty. Inviting a friend for a cup of tea or joining a playgroup often leads to a bit of a break and having someone to talk to about what you are going through can make a huge difference.

Michele Dennis
email

A Day at the Beach

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:36:00 +0000

One thing is a guaranteed certainty for me, this time of year my mind is almost always at the beach.

I am lucky enough to live close enough to get down there often but somehow I just can’t get enough. This spring I find myself as busy as usual and am really missing a relaxing day at the beach. There is so much to be gained from a day of doing nothing in particular, whether it is a day at the beach, a picnic in the park or just lazing around the house, the whole family will benefit from some serious down time. But as I look at our calendar, I wonder how do I pull this off? The embarrassing truth is, I have to schedule it!

As strange as it feels scheduling a free day for your family I think it will be worth it. The idea is to block out the first day on your calendar and other then a few obvious exceptions don’t let anything stop you from have a decent chill out session.

Depending on the interests of your family members and the ages of your children there are several options for your day. If your family enjoys being active you could go on a bike ride or a hike. You could spend the day at the beach, surfing, playing cricket and making sand castles. You may be surprised when your much older children get into making a sand castle. Maybe what your family really needs is a day at home, doing nothing in particular. Or if you fancy a little retail therapy-try an op shop spree or hit a few garage sales.

Of course, weather is going to be a factor and this is where it is important not too plan too much. If you are set on a big trip to the beach only to wake up to a rainy or windy day everyone is disappointed. Leaving your day open means you may go to the beach but you may go to the op shop and the second-hand bookstore.

My sons are getting older and don’t always want to come along with mum and dad on family outings. At first I was a little sad and even hurt when they chose being with their friends over us. Now I use these outings as a way to stay in touch with the boys and their friends. A day out with my children and a couple of friends can be really fun for everyone and as we all know the studies are all saying that the best thing we can do for our teen is to get to spend time with them and get to know their friends.

If you tend to get a little too busy then scheduling a chill out day will help reconnect your family and recharge yourself for the busy week ahead. For me it also gives me the incentive to drop a few of the non-essential things I sometimes fill my life up with. Every once in awhile I need to take a step back from it all and look at what exactly I have signed myself up for. If I can let a few things go and not replace them with other non-essential busyness I might be able to have a few more relaxing days in the future.

Michele Dennis
email

Chew Your Food

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 02:33:00 +0000

A book came across my desk not too long ago and it got me thinking about chewing your food. We always reminding our children to chew their food, shut their mouth when they chew, slow down when you eat, hurry up and eat.

Young children spend a lot of their day eating but what is really happening when we chew and are our children doing enough of it?

More Peas Please by Kate Di Prima and Dr Julie Cichero addresses the issue of fussy eaters and getting good food into kids of all ages. The aspect of the book that interested me is the connection between healthy eating and speaking. Western society’s need to eat on the go and the obsession with fast food is doing a disservice to our children. When a child has a container of fruit in syrup instead of a piece of fresh fruit in their lunch or a tube of sugary yoghurt instead of a bowl of yoghurt with muesli for breakfast, they are not using their mouths to eat in a way that is best for their development.

Eating and chewing foods of different textures and consistencies gets your jaw, lips and tongue working in ways that encourage good muscle tone. A strong mouth and jaw is needed in order to form words and create the sounds needed to communicate.

Parents often complain that they can’t get their children to eat food from certain food groups. Sometimes it isn’t a simple matter of not caring for a particular type of food. Other things can also be factors in a child’s dislike of foods. Always be sure to rule out any food intolerances - children can be avoiding certain food groups for a very good reason. Another issue for many children is food textures. The sense of touch is a very big part of eating, it can take time for a child to get used to mushy porridge or slimy mushrooms.

If your child is still very young, make a point to put foods of different textures on their plate. If you are not certain about what your baby is ready to eat More Peas Please has a helpful section on food readiness. Also someone once told me a child might need to have food on their plate up to 30 times before they start to like it.

I don’t know if that is true but when my boys were younger and I had a in-home day care, I used to put a tiny bit of a food item on the plate and just let it sit there, they didn’t even have to try it if they didn’t want to. If they tried it and didn’t like it I would tell them that’s ok and do the same the next time. For the most part the children got used to the three peas or small leaf of lettuce and started to eat them. It seemed to work as long as I didn’t have any expectations about the trying or liking of the food. All the children tried the food when they were ready and I feel I had a lot of success with that approach.

If your children are older and not eating a variety of healthy foods it may be harder to change their habits. There is a lot of discussion about little children and what they eat but when I look around I see plenty of primary and high school age children who are very fussy. I do have some suggestions for getting older children interested in a more healthy diet but I find the most important thing to speak to them about something that is important to them. If your child loves sport than approach diet from the angle of an athlete, if they care about the planet then look at it as an environmentalist would. If your family asks their children to do chores include food related jobs. Getting your child into the store to participate in the shopping is also helpful. Cooking is also a great way to motivate children to eat well. If given the opportunity some children really enjoy cooking for their family.

It takes effort to get a variety of healthy foods into a family's diet, especially when there is such a range of easy, pre-packaged food available. The benefits of eating fresh, home prepared foods are so numerous and we are well aware of most of them. Having a working mouth and jaw so you can be understood when you speak is just another one.

Michele Dennis
email

Computer Games

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:14:00 +0000

Some things catch me off guard as a parent. One day we are travelling along well as a family and it seems like out of nowhere we are stressed out and arguing regularly about a particular issue.

However when I look back I can see that the problem has built up over time. The most recent example is my younger son’s time spent playing computer games. In my family we have a policy of no screen time during the week, except for homework, and I limit time on the weekends as well. My sons are also very active and love being outside. I never have to ask them to get out and do something, they are always kicking the footy, playing tennis, swimming or riding their bikes. So it’s not like he is spending hours and hours on the computer. The issues are more about the content of the computer games and how we are interacting with each other when problems arise.

There are a few areas where I get overwhelmed when it comes to computer games. One is that I chose to have my children get everything done before they get on the computer. Now usually this is a good incentive to get the jobs and other various things done but I find if I’m not on top of it things can escalate pretty quickly. So then when it is time to move on to the next thing I have not only the battle of getting my son off the computer but also running late because my son is not ready.

When I think about this I can see that most of the angst is around how I react to things not being done when they should be. It really isn’t necessary to get stressed and let it affect the whole family. What I feel I should have done is have something in place for when things are not done when they are supposed to be. Then I can just remind my son (who has decided to be referred to as Fred in my blog posts) of the consequences and do my best to remain calm, thus taking the emotion out of the situation. I can now do that and hopefully this will make things easier for everyone.

The other thing I think is very important is to not be too hard on myself. So things slide a bit from the ideal, that’s ok. The main thing is that my children know I love them and I am doing the best that I can. If we need to realign ourselves from time to time, this is just a part of life. Especially when the issue is a small one.

Another thing that crept up on me was the length of the computer sessions. I began with a half hour on Saturdays and Sundays, then it was also on Friday and then the half hour was never enough. There always seemed to be another level or one more thing that had to be done. Fred and I found two solutions to these problems. The first was that I gave him a heads up five minutes before his time was up, giving him time to finish what he was doing and save the game if he wanted to.

For second problem, that he wanted a little more time on the computer now that he was getting older I came up with a creative solution that I am happy to report worked well, because I was very skeptical. I could see that it was not unreasonable that more time should be given, as you get older. What I decided to do was to come up with a point system for any time on top of the original hour. Fred is naturally good at math but would like to be doing a bit better in math class. So to improve his skills and his self esteem in the area we decided that for every half hour he spends on math web sites he can get 15 minutes of bonus points for the weekend. Now of coarse I wasn’t too confident about this plan because he is on the computer doing the math. However, he is really enjoying the math, where he doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much when it is sent home on paper. Fred has discovered that he can do math problems well above his grade at school and that he really, genuinely likes math. Another reminder that as a mother I need to remain open to different approaches and take cues from my children, especially now that they are older.

There are other, more broad concerns over computer use and specifically computer games to consider. Too much time in front of the computer is linked to obesity and social isolation. We all know that in general Australian children need to get outside more. I would also add that they also need time outdoors, just being kids. Organised sport is great but the old adage, everything in moderations comes to mind.

When Fred first became interested in computer games about a year ago I really struggled with the concept. For the most part his friends introduced them to him and I didn’t know what any of the games were like and again I had no system in place to handle the onslaught of violence that was coming our way through the computer screen. I knew that violent games were linked to aggressive behaviour in young men and I wasn’t comfortable with the shooting up and blowing up style of a lot of games. It was easy to say “No violent video games.” But it did prove challenging to find games for the boys to play that were not violent. It involved sitting down with the children and having a look at the games. This proved a wonderful opportunity to see what kinds of games kids are playing and be able to discuss what was going on and why I didn’t approve. Sometimes Fred could see what I was on about and sometimes he thought I was an overprotective nutcase. I think it’s ok for your kid to think you are nuts once in awhile.

Just like so many things with growing children, my rules and regulations around computer time is a work in progress. My older son now wants to be on social networking sites, which poses a whole new set of issues and concerns. Fortunately I have learned a few things on this ever-changing parenting path and I feel a bit more prepared for that. I think the biggest lesson I have learned is to stay current. It is important to know what kinds of things your children and their friends are likely to be interested in so you are prepared when the onslaught of requests hit you. Fortunately there is so much information out there about what kinds of things teens and preteens are up to there is no reason not to keep current. I have also found it helpful to ask friends whose children are slightly older than my oldest one what their kids are up to and how they have handled particular situations. And most importantly talk to your children and take the time to listen attentively to what they have to say.

Michele Dennis
email

Discipline

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 10:31:00 +0000

Q.Dear Michele,

My husband and I have a gorgeous one-year-old son. We are using attachment parenting methods and positive discipline/unconditional parenting with him. The issue, however, is not him, but someone else's child. We have a friend whose older son bullies our child whenever they are together. He pushes him, has kicked him, takes toys from him, says mean things to him and excludes him. I understand the delicate nature of disciplining children and not wanting to interfere. However, I don't intend to sit back and watch my son be treated this way, especially as he is so young. My friend uses very traditional methods of discipline including time out and I'm unsure of how to best handle this situation.

A. You are right when you say disciplining children is a delicate subject and unless you are very sure of your relationship with your friend, I would not suggest you discipline the child yourself or suggest your friend change their parenting style.

There are, however, several things you can do. Diversion is a great tool with toddlers. If you stay tuned in while the children are playing, it is easy to see when things are about to escalate. When you see frustration in your friends child, divert the attention elsewhere. Have another game handy or offer a snack. Also remember that very small children act out by hitting, kicking and pushing because they lack the vocabulary and emotional maturity to express themselves. Be available to help young ones express what they want and to sort out how to best handle each situation. If it is a toy that both children want, work out a way so that they can both have a turn.

Another option is to stay away from play dates with that child for a period of time. Toddlers often go through phases of aggressive behavior, a short break from seeing that family may be all you need. If that doesn’t sit well with you be prepared when you get together. Know that you may have to be ready with a diversion or to mediate when there is an issue over a toy.

If you are at your house, you may want to share with the other child what is expected in your home at the beginning of the play date. If you have a no hitting home let him know. If you feel comfortable with how the child’s parents will take this, it might be a good learning experience.

Finally, I find living by example the best way to teach. If the little boy sees your family behaving in a loving manner towards each other and with him, he may soften as well. If he hurts your child, direct all attention to your child if you can. Make sure he is ok and give him a hug to feel better. This theory works well when it is your own child who is behaving aggressively. When it is someone else’s child it is important not to exaggerate your concern as you might offend or upset the other parents. The main thing is to not direct your reaction to the child who acted out.

Parenting is a learning experience and people grow and change along the way. Be gentle with the little boy and try to support your friends as best you can. It is amazing what we can learn together.

For more suggestions on handing toddler aggression, read my entry Tough Times for Mum.

Michele Dennis
email

What's for Dinner?

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:52:00 +0000

My son had a birthday recently and now that he is officially a teen, we decided he could have a regular night where he is responsible for feeding the family. I find it so easy to forget that as your children get older, the ways in which they can contribute around the house changes.

He chose as his first meal one that is perfect for winter. I found this Macaroni and Cheese recipe years ago on about.com and if you’re like me you may never eat mac and cheese out of a box again.

Baked Macaroni and Cheese

1 1/2 cups elbow macaroni, shells work nicely too
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup milk
1 cup light cream
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
2 1/2 cups grated sharp cheese
salt

Preheat oven to 350 F(180 C) Boil macaroni according to package and set aside.

Meanwhile melt butter in a medium saucepan over low heat. Blend in flour, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and thickens, about 2 to 3 minutes.

Remove from heat and add paprika, pepper and 2 cups of the cheese; stir until cheese is melted.

Gently stir in macaroni and salt to taste.

Place in a buttered oven- proof dish. Use a dish that suits your families taste. We like lots of crunchy bits so I use a flatter one, if you like it creamy use a deeper one.

Garnish top with remaining 1/2 cup cheese and dot with additional butter.

Bake 25-30 minutes. Serves 4 to 6.

Teenagers & Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:01:00 +0000

I have received a few questions lately from parents who are concerned about their teens and sexuality. I guess it is in the front of everyone’s minds with all the media coverage recently. How do we support our teens to have a healthy attitude towards their sexuality and sexual relations?

When thinking about this question I did a lot of reading up on sexually active teens and what they are up to these days. If the research is correct, life for a sexually active teen is very different from their parent’s experiences. Which comes as no surprise, generational change is to be expected.

Some of the changes are positive, some research shows the rate of teen pregnancy has gone down. Girls are feeling empowered in relationships and generally there is more respect between the sexes. But what happens when things go horribly wrong? How do teenage girls get into some pretty scary situations? It’s true alcohol and drugs are often involved when poor decisions are made. And self-esteem must be an issue. What about the young men, boys in some cases who think it is ok to participate in group sex, that queuing up with several guys for their turn with one girl is some kind of male ‘right of passage’? And that the girl ‘wanted it’, ‘asked for it’.

So what do we do? Assume that only footy players and degenerates participate in these things, that our children will never find themselves at a party where such a violation takes place? I’m afraid not. We need to treat sex education, healthy body image and sexual values to our children just like we do every other aspect of their lives that is important to us.

We need to talk to our children about sex and relationships. Start young and be available to your children whenever they want to talk about things. The media is bombarding our children constantly with music clips and songs with alcohol and sex as the themes. Sex is constantly in the news and your children will have spoken to their friends about the latest indiscretions that make the headlines. So you need to be in the conversation too.

Sit down with your child and let them know what your values are. Most parents don’t even talk about the nuts and bolts of sex much less the emotional aspects of it. Help your children practice how they might support a friend who may be about to make a decision they may regret. Just like we help them say no to drugs, help your child by going through some scenarios, as embarrassing as it might be. It is possible that your child may need to help a friend who has had too much to drink and about to do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. Discuss with your son that even if it appears that a young girl is enjoying a sexual act with several guys, it is their responsibility to not contribute to someone’s pain. Also discuss how her judgement is probably impaired and she may feel quite differently the next day. We all do things we regret and I’m sure all teens can understand this.

Research shows that girls who end up at a party drunk and giving away sex or oral sex to several boys thought that it would give them some power or social status but the reality was very different. The girls regretted the decision and were socially ostracized, not only by the other girls but also by the very boys who were queuing up. Now we as adults can see this coming but what we have to keep in mind is that a teenage brain is not fully developed and it is part of the teenage experience to make mistakes. As a society I think it is our collective responsilbity to ensure that our children not to make such damaging ones.

It is also important to model positive behaviour. Your children are watching what you do much more closely than you think. Your children see you respecting the opposite sex and behaving in a warm and loving manner towards your partner, they will know what your core vales are. When you tell someone that you don’t appreciate derogatory comments, it may not make you the life of the party but it will show your child that you walk the talk.

The more we talk about body image and healthy sexuality the more likely it is your child will feel good about themselves and their relationships. Isn’t that what we want for our children and our society?

Michele Dennis
email

The Art of Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Tue, 19 May 2009 03:35:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele

I was wondering if you have any suggestions for helping my daughter fall asleep. - my daughter is 8 months old, and has slept in our bed at night time since birth. Until she was about 3 months old, she was really easy to care for - she would cry when she was tired, so I would help her fall asleep by cuddles, rocking, feeding or popping her in the sling, and then once she was asleep, I could put her down in her bassinette or cot for her daytime sleeps. She now can't sleep without physical contact - she will sleep in the sling or if I lie down with her and breastfeed her off to sleep. I can't transfer her from the sling to bed/cot without waking her, and if I feed her off to sleep, I can creep away but she will always wake within 20-40 minutes. A few times I have tried to put her down for her sleeps and she has been miserable - at one point went 3 days without a decent daytime sleep. I find this quite draining physically to be wearing her so much - I have tried lots of carriers and have a few comfortable ones, but am still getting quite tired from her weight. I also find the stretch from 7pm (when she goes to sleep) til I go to bed quite demanding, as I don't feel I get a break. I also have a very boisterous 3 year old son who wakes at 6am, so we all get up then, as my daughter wakes when I get out of bed.

Do you have any suggestions for helping her to sleep without my physical contact for her daytime sleeps and from 7pm til 9pm or so? I like co-sleeping at night, I find it lovely and snuggly and it certainly makes night feeds much easier, but I would like some time to myself before I am ready to go to bed. I suspect this might just be my daughter's needs (my son was not bothered by sleeping in his cot alone at all!) and if so, I guess I am after reassurance that at some point, she will be able to sleep a bit more independently.
Thanks
Liz

A. Dear Liz,

It can be so exhausting when babies are going through a stage when they seem to need you all the time. First of all, remember this is just a stage in your baby’s life. Try to relax and your baby may relax a bit as well. I know this is not easy, the more we try to relax the more stressed out we may feel.

I think I might first try leaving the baby on the bed as you have done before and have a t-shirt or something of yours either under the baby. See if you can use your scent to get her to sleep a bit longer.

There are other tricks mothers have used successfully. Some babies like a bit of quiet music or white noise while they are sleeping. A radio or CD with quiet music or a fan or white noise machine may help. She may sleep better with the sounds of you puttering around as well. Baby massage or a warm bath may help her relax. During the day you might enjoy going for a walk with her in the stroller from time to time. The movement will most likely keep her asleep and you get the benefit of fresh air and a bit of exercise.

Perhaps your daughter has not settled into the rhythm of being a slightly older baby. She seems to have gotten into a pattern, now you just need to find a way to change the pattern in a way that you are comfortable with. Try some different things , keeping her awake longer or adjusting her feeding times and don’t forget to be on the lookout for the cues she will give you when she is tired.

I am also wondering if there is something that is making your daughter uncomfortable. If she is teething or if there is something you have added to her diet (or your own) that is not agreeing with her. However if this has been going on quite some time it is not likely to be teething but food intolerance is a possibility.

Some babies have underlying structural issues that can make them uncomfortable, which makes it difficult to sleep. I recommend a cranio-osteopath, but parents have had success with network chiropractors as well. There are several websites that explain the issues and how craino-osteopathy works. Have a look and decide for yourself if you think your baby could benefit.
Also don’t be afraid to ask for support. If you have a partner, get him involved as much as possible. Also you can ask a friend, relative or any support person to come over and have a cup of tea and hold the baby. Or do some cleaning, play with your son, or just have a chat with you while the baby rests in your arms. People are generally happy to help and it can make such a big difference.

If you want some further reading I can highly recommend Pinky Mckay’s book, Sleeping Like a Baby.

All the best,
Michele

What's Best For The Kids?

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Mon, 11 May 2009 05:07:00 +0000

Dear Michele,

I'm hoping you may be able to give me a bit of direction. I have 6 beautiful children aged 14, 12, 9, 8, 3 and 15 mths. I am a stay at home mum and do all the running around for them as well as almost everything at home. My problem is my partner, their father. We have been together for 19 years this year and at the moment I cant see it lasting the year. He has drinking and drug issues and has had the whole time we have been together. He is also on medication for depression and other healthy issues. At the moment he is not working, which means money is tighter than usual. He doesn't care about how much I do, he is not interested in going to any of the kids events, sports etc. All he is interested in is getting money for his drugs and alcohol. I try to shield the kids from it all but he takes all their birthday money and pocket money and the sad thing is they expect it. He never gives it back and he is always unpredictable in his moods. I can't go out to work because I can't leave the little kids with him for any length of time. When we do argue the kids take my side and he blames me for that also. What I want to know is 'do you think this is going to have an impact on the children, long term?'. We are paying off our own home, which is the only home my children have lived in, and he will not leave, purely out of spite. I have been told by the real estate agents that I would find it almost impossible to get a rental property with so many kids and no job. I feel worn out and so confused. He can be a really nice person but these times are few and far between. Thanks for your help.

A. How challenging for you! This is a very difficult situation and you are an incredibly strong person to be dealing with such tough issues. My first suggestion is to get some support as fast as you can. I am not a professional, my advice is to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and see if they have an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is for the families and loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts. They are a very supportive group of people who are or have been in similar situations to yours. It is volunteering based and costs no money. If there is not one near you or that doesn’t suit you, find a form of support that does. No one can handle such big issues on her own.

If it is not safe for your children to be home alone with their father, then you will need to find a way for you to change the situation you are in. Perhaps there is someone who can support you by spending time with the children, either in your home or theirs when you need to be out. You and your husband probably need to get some counseling if you haven’t done so recently. Relationships Australia has councilors in most regional centres and I believe their fees are income based, making them very affordable. If he will not see a relationship councilor, then I guess I would take that as a sign that he is not ready to change. You can choose to go on your own and sort some things out for yourself.

Most important is the safety and welfare of your children. Addiction and depression are very serious illnesses and must be treated accordingly. I have no way of predicting what the long term affects will be for your children, as everyone is different. Some children of Alcoholics have a very tough time themselves and others seem to be more resilient. The most important thing is that they know you love them and are there for them every day. Be sure that your children have someone they can talk to, especially the older ones. Growing up in a home where one parent has addiction and depression issues can put incredible pressure on children and cause considerable confusion. As their mother, you may feel you are the best person to listen to their concerns. This may not be true, your children probably want to protect you and not add to your burden. You can arrange for them to speak to a close family friend, clergy, councilor or anyone they are comfortable with.

This all probably sound so difficult, on top of what you are already doing to keep your family going. However, my feeling is that a shift is needed for your family to get out of this situation and into a healthier place. This shift can take many forms, depending on you and especially your husband’s readiness to change. You have already proven your strength and determination to do the best thing for your children by surviving this long in such a difficult situation.

Keep in mind that your husband’s illness is very serious and he needs to heal himself, how much you support him through this is a tough decision that only you can make.

My final suggestion is to not to let the fear of your financial situation overwhelm you. I know it is hard, with everything in our culture dependant on our financial situation. If you decide that you are going to do whatever it takes to give your children a safe and supportive home environment, it will come. Maybe not right away, the road may be bumpy and long but it will come.

All the best, my heart is with you.
Michele

For enquiries about Relationships Australia’s services or to make an appointment, call 1300 364 277. By phoning this number, your call will automatically be directed to the nearest Relationships Australia office in your area.

Also here is the link for Al-anon and Alateen Australia.

Alateen offers a supportive environment for teens with an alcoholic in their lives.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/

A Difficult Situation

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Wed, 06 May 2009 07:27:00 +0000

Q. Hello Michele,

I have a beautiful 2 month old baby that I am breastfeeding and have bonded
with wonderfully. However my husband wants to send the baby away to China
at 3 months old to live with his parents for 1 year so that we can work and
save money, and because he doesn't think that I will be able to cope at home alone with the baby whilst he is at work.

I really don't want this to happen as I think it is bad for the baby to be
separated from parents with whom he has already bonded and I know that it
will break my heart.

Please give me your perspective on this idea and some advice for convincing
my husband that our baby needs to be with us at this crucial stage in his
development.

Thankyou

Lili, Qld.

A. Hello Lili,

What a difficult situation! I must start by telling you that my suggestions are just that, I am not a relationship counsellor nor can I offer any professional advice.

I am sure every mother’s heart would be breaking at the thought of sending their baby away at such a young age. You are right in thinking this is a crucial time for you and your baby. Since you are breastfeeding, continuing to do so would greatly benefit your baby in many ways. Also bonding with you and your husband while your baby is young is going to set up how your baby handles relationships later in life.

Most importantly you do not agree with your husband and do not want to be separated from your baby. You will need to be prepared when you talk to your husband about this. Pick your time, one when you have enough time to discuss things thoroughly. Remember to remain calm and state your position clearly. You might feel more comfortable having someone else there with you, a friend, a trusted member of your community or even a professional.

Remember that women all over the world stay home with their babies while their husbands work. While Australian society has done its mothers a huge disservice, new mothers do often feel isolated. But this doesn’t have to be the case, there are play groups, young mothers groups and plenty of other ways to get connected or stay connected with people in your community. And if you do begin to feel under pressure, mothers have access to lots of services.

This is a very serious proposal from your husband and I would suggest you treat it that way. Be sure that he is able to listen to your views in a respectful manner and do not be afraid to seek help if you feel you need it.

Michele
email

Great ideas for relationships with grandparents

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:18:00 +0000

The Kindred e-newsletter, Kindred Spirit just had a very informative article on setting boundaries and at the same time strengthening relationships with grandparents. Since my last question included some of the issues many of us face when interacting with either our own parents or our partner's, I thought I'd pass this information on to you.

The article is by Chynna T Laird and can be found in the April newsletter.

http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library/kindred_spirit_april_2009/49/1

Enjoy the term break, time to relax with friends and family!
Michele

Holding it all together

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele, I am not sure exactly why I am writing to you other than to say that I am feeling confused and overwhelmed about my role as a parent, my effectiveness, and a sense of not being in control of it. I have three children from three separate relationships- a sixteen year old boy, who has no relationship with his father but a relationship with his ex stepfather, an eight year old boy still in contact with his father and a one year old daughter from my current relationship.

When I was younger and my children were too, I had high ideals of how things were going to turn out, probably when my first child was young. I.e. not much television, very healthy diet, encouraging creativity, exploring nature, nurturing independent thought and kindness to others. But things haven’t turned out quite as I planned.

I tried to limit my children's exposure to television yet now it seems that all my eldest son does is watch television and sleep in (until after lunch) I believe he is a good person and he has a girl friend and he attends the local church youth group. However I feel he lacks motivation, he doesn’t play any sport, or have a job and seems to loose interest in the large gifts that he has received for birthdays. He doesn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and would prefer to eat sugar and fat than the healthy food I try to provide. I guess I would like to see him more engaged with life.

My younger son seems to be addicted to reading books, and I have real trouble getting him outside to play. When he is not reading he is kind of hyperactive, he jumps around all over the place and speaks louder than anyone else and constantly. Some times it suits me that he enjoys to read, and I think it is a fabulous thing to do, but I think he needs to have some broader activities that he can do at home. He is attending drama classes, but shies away from sport as well. There is also the aspect of the influence of other people. My parents try to compensate for my eldest child lack of a father. Some of this is nice but often it involves giving him what he wants rather than what he needs. I think the same applies with my younger child and his father. This creates difficulties for me as I feel I am often seen as the killjoy, and it can create resistance.

My husband tells me that he thinks I have been too soft on my children. I have done the best I could. He is often critical of them and does not really want to engage with them. He spends his time with our daughter, and comments that he does not want my children’s behavior to rub off on his daughter. He works all week and then says he is very tired on the weekends. We spend a lot of time at home on the weekends, as we don’t have a lot of spare money to go and do things.

I feel our family is not very connected as a unit and I spend time with them individually but we don’t spend much time together doing positive things. I have had postnatal depression after my last two children’s births. My husband and I have had some counseling together, and I have had some of my own. I have recently requested the support of a family support worker. This feels strange because on the outside we probably seem like a pretty well functioning family I am not sure what I want to ask you or achieve by writing to you. I guess I am hoping to turn this situation around somehow and would appreciate your thoughts or suggestions.

With gratitude.

A. Well, there is quite a bit going on for you. I think the best thing to do is to break things down into digestible sections.

You are right in your concern for your sons’ lack of exercise, however the approach will be very different for an eight year old than for a sixteen year old.

For ideas on how to encourage your younger son to get out and get active, have a look at an earlier blog entry of mine titled, Get Moving. There are so many ways to motivate youngsters to be active. You will need to be creative and willing to get involved in the action. Also, children learn by example, be sure to include physical activity into your routine.

As for your older son, I would suggest a meeting with him to address your concerns. At 16, he should be able to understand your concerns and hopefully together the two of you can come up with some ideas that you both can live with. You will have to be clear within yourself what your expectations are, taking into account what your overall values and goals are for your family. It may not be easy imparting these things into your son at a late age but we can all grow and change, better late than never.

There are a few things that you want to address with your teenage son. From what you wrote, you would like to see him exercise, possibly get a job, and be more engaged with life in general. I would also suggest that if he is not contributing to the running of the house, he should be.

Find a time when you can speak to your son about your concerns. Stay calm, giving him the facts but at the same time speak from your heart, he will be able to see that you are being genuine. Be prepared with the information you need and the steps you would like him to take to be more involved in his own health and actively involved with the family. You may also want to consider breaking things down into manageable steps.

As for working outside the home, if he is in school just make sure he has the time to do the job and not let his studies suffer. Also talk with your son about what you expect from his working. Will he be expected to be more financially independent, save some of his income? The more you sort out before he gets the job, the smoother things will be once his pay checks start rolling in.

At 16 much of what your son eats is ultimately up to him, your hope is to spark something in him that gives him the desire to eat better. You might suggest as a way of getting more involved in the running of the house he do some of the food shopping or cook a weekly meal. The same will be true for exercising; it will mostly have to come from within. Help him find something he is interested or would like to try and then support him in following it through.

Take it slow, you don’t want to overwhelm your son. It is easy to feel everything is too hard. Too many expectations at once can sometimes prevent some people from wanting to start at all.

I would also like to suggest family outings as a way for your family to feel closer to one another. You don’t have to do expensive things; it is the being together that is important. Find a nice place for a short hike in your area, cycling, or a trip to the beach, anything active that your family might grow to enjoy. Do something on a regular basis, maybe once a month. Be clear with your family that this is something that is very important to you and non-negotiable. Mothers do so much for everyone in the family; it is perfectly ok to ask for something in return. Let them be in on the decision-making, possibly taking turns deciding what to do. If your son is close to his girlfriend, it may be nice to invite her along.

While at home, do as much as you can together. Eating dinner together is very important so start there if you are not doing so already. This is sometimes hard to do every night so make sure it happens as much as possible. Also try some old fashioned activities, a games night or cards. Take turns making a delicious homemade dessert once a week. Working together as a family is also a great way to get closer. Get the yard work done, give the house a big clean out, even have a garage sale for some spending money to fund one of your outings. You may get resistance, from your children or even your partner, this is inevitable. How you handle the resistance is the key to success. You will need a full bag of tricks, try a light but determined approach.

It will also be helpful to talk to your partner before you sit down with the children. Let him know how important all of this is to you. You are all one family even if he is only the biological father of one of your children. Ideally you and your partner will present a united front, in reality this doesn’t always happen. If you can’t convince him to take a more active role in the family, it may be time to get some more professional help. If you don’t feel this is right for you, finding a way of parenting with your partner that you are comfortable with is important. And remember life is constantly changing, where you come up on a brick wall one day you may find an open door on another day.

Finally, grandparents are tricky. You may choose to talk to your parents about what is going on with your son or it may be better to sort it out yourself for now. Depending on your parents’ temperaments and your relationship with them it may or may not be helpful to bring them on board.

There certainly is a lot to consider. Remember to take it one step at a time, give yourself the space to think things through before you put plans into action. Also be good to yourself, set aside time alone. This doesn’t have to be a day at the spa, a hot bath and a good book can do the trick.

PS In response to your follow up question about good magazines for children that are not so media and consumer driven. I found a few Australian magazines. The links are below. There are lots of US ones as well but I am not sure of the costs involved in getting them here.

Scientriffic

Wacky But True

Sparrow Tree Square

Anyone know of any more?

Michele
email

Bedtime Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:22:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele,

My son has just turned 3 years old. He is so far our only child. Since he was a baby, we have always stayed with him whilst he has gone to sleep. He slept in a bassinet beside the bed until 6 mths of age (he got too big) and from there went to a little bed in a room next to ours.

We have always stayed with our son whilst he has gone to sleep and we still do now. We have a pretty good routine of tea/bath/quiet play and books before/in bed. Then we say goodnight, lights out and generally sit with him, often patting his back/stroking his face until he falls asleep. Whilst a lot of the time this is nice and he falls asleep within 10mins.....there are also many other times when he doesn't go to sleep for half an hour or more and we tend to start getting impatient and grumpy.

I believe strongly in the importance of attachment and I like knowing that he has gone to sleep feeling very safe and loved, but I sometimes wonder if he is ever going to fall asleep happily on his own. At the moment if we try to leave the room whilst he is falling asleep, no matter how happy and content he is, he will call out and end up getting very upset. Most of my friend's children go to bed and are left to go to sleep themselves....I have read that children will let you know when they are happy to go to sleep by themselves...what are your thoughts?

Fiona

A. Dear Fiona,

Bedtime can be stressful if we let it - and we all do at some point in our years of parenting!

The first thing to address is the nights where it takes your son up to an hour to fall asleep. Whether you are with him or he is on his own, this is quite a long time to lie in bed. Since you already have a good bedtime routine, you may have a look at what is happening during the day that might affect his ability to fall asleep. Check his naptime, is it too late, or a bit too long? Maybe you are putting him to bed a little to early? You may also consider a toddler meditation or relaxation technique. Also make sure your son is not too warm or cold and their pajamas fit well, not too loose too tight.

Children over the age of three are able to fall asleep on their own if this is what you feel your family is ready for. My suggestion is leaving your child alone for short periods of time to begin with. Prepare him for this by telling him he is a big boy now and make sure he knows how proud of him you are when he is able to settle himself. If he has a special teddy, he can put teddy to bed like a big boy too as a part of your bedtime routine.

When it is time for lights out, tell him you will be back to check on him in a few minutes, then be sure to do so. If he settles down well, keep on checking on him until he falls asleep. Have some chores to do in between, dishes, folding laundry or tidying up. This will give your son the signal that there are other things to do and he will adjust to this routine. When you go back to check, make sure to do only that, it is not time for chatting, it is time for sleeping. Also, don’t get upset with his behavior, he may have gotten out of bed for a play or to see if you were indeed coming back. Simply state that it is time for bed and calmly get him resettled.

If he gets upset, my advice is to abandon the idea of leaving him alone for a few weeks and try again at a later date. All children learn to settle themselves eventually and as parents we want this to be a pleasant experience, not a distressing one for you or your child. The most important thing is your son’s trust in you to be there for him. If there is real separation anxiety, you don’t want to contribute to it. Remember to stay calm and know that any difficulty at bedtime will pass.

Michele
email

Tough Times for Mum

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:49:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele,

Our little boy Aiden is almost 19 months. He shows great empathy and is a loving boy however; we are finding it very distressing (and hard to deal with...) that he also displays a very ‘different’ side.

He went through a biting stage that was very intense and frequent, which has passed however this has been replaced with pushing, slapping, pinching and scratching.

We find it difficult to deal with when it’s been inflicted on ourselves (mum and dad) but are very upset that he does this to other children..

We have tried all sorts of approaches, do you have any suggestions?

Bridgette

A. Dear Bridgette,

As you are aware, toddlers often go through aggressive phases. The most common reason given for aggressive actions is a toddler’s inability to communicate. Be there for your son in social situations and help him communicate with others. Whether it is a toy another child has or a certain snack item he had his eye on, sometimes it is the lack of vocabulary or emotional maturity to understand how he is feeling that causes the behavior.

The simplest solution is to keep an eye on your son when he is interacting with others and intervene before he gets frustrated. Distract him or move on to another activity. Of coarse this can’t be done all the time so you need a few more tricks in your pocket.

Another common theory is that the behavior that gets the most attention is the one that is repeated. Try ignoring your son’s aggressive acts and give heavy doses of attention to the victim. It is important to not even give him a sideways glance, as we all know sometimes giving your child a nasty look is enough to make them feel unloved.

Make sure your son is well rested and has plenty of healthy snacks; no one is at the top of their game when they are tired or hungry. Also if your child is watching TV or videos, either limit it or cut out media altogether. Some children’s shows have very violent content. Even very conservative groups like the American Medical Association suggest only one to two hours of quality TV a week for children under three. With all the research suggesting TV viewing is not beneficial to young children, I would suggest getting rid of it altogether until children are older.

Consistency on your part is very important, talk the issue over with your partner and make sure your reactions to your son’s behavior are the same. Your son will be very confused if one parent reacts with stern words and the other reacts with embarrassed laughter or makes light of the situation. As parents you will need to take care of yourselves during stressful times as well. Make sure you are well rested and make time for yourselves.

Most children who have a tendency towards aggressive behavior generally have a more intense personality. If this is true, understanding your child’s temperament will help you with your approach to parenting him. Children who have intense emotions will benefit from a good routine and being prepared for any changes to their routine. Be on the lookout for what upsets him and see if there are things you can put in place to alleviate his distress.

Many parents go through similar situations so you know you are not alone. I commend you in your effort to do the right thing for your son. How we handle our children’s behavior when they are young lays the foundation for our relationship with them when they are older.

Michele
email

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 10:34:00 +0000

Q. Dear Michele,

Our (barely) 4 y.o. son has a very intense temperament. Daniel is in his second year of school (Montessori). I attend playgroup with him (& younger almost 21 month old sister) on a weekly basis as well as Sunday School.

He is well liked, sociable, inquiring, very perceptive, has above average language skills and likes to lead other children in activities/games. In my judgement, his personality trait could be described as melancholy/choleric.

Where it seems to us & his Montessori teacher that Daniel could develop is in his emotional maturity. This is best described by examples of Daniel's response to situations where things do not go as he sees they should. Children run for the ball, Daniel does not get there first. Daniel and dad play soccer. Daniel knows about goals. He loves to kick a goal but if he gets just one ball past his goal he is very likely to do any of the following: sit on the ground with stooped shoulders or cry - VERY loudly or walk away and look for another game to play. In any case, a very noisy demonstration - poor is me! - is likely. Interestingly, it appears to us that even if the initial reaction is genuine, he likes to keep it going, and may even pause to notice something and then get back into it.

Our practice (as advised by his experienced Montessori teacher) has been to acknowledge the event, encourage him to try again, say "oh well" and go on, or try some other activity i.e. not to dwell on it. We're quite concerned about the noisy demonstrations as it is turning off other parents and some children. His Teacher indicated he'll mature and grow out of it. If we can, we’d like to help Daniel with this intense emotional behavior.

Over the holiday break these tendencies were somewhat subdued, however with the start of school just recently, this has once again come to the fore. Apart from drawing undue attention to himself, our concern is that it really stops him from participating, just having fun and in some cases children distance themselves from him.

The key, it seems to me in my language, is how to get him to understand that his perceived outcome may not always be as he imagined it to be and when it is not, to adjust his expectations and deal with the outcome - obviously not in this language to a 4.y.o. Explanations of this type do not work at this age/maturity level.

I suspect the answer will require some kind of behavioral cues from us as parents - though my wife recognizes and acknowledges to this type of behavior within herself, particularly during childhood.

Where do I look for help?

Kind regards,

Thomas

A. Dear Thomas,

Although your child’s behavior is distressing to you and no doubt embarrassing at times, I suspect it is temporary, especially with your support. I agree with your son’s teacher that you shouldn’t respond with too much fanfare. However a brief acknowledgment of his feelings would probably be beneficial, especially from a more long-term perspective. Your son is frustrated that things didn’t go his way, a lesson we all have to learn and most people learn very young. A brief comment such as “Oh no you missed the goal! I can see you are disappointed.” Is enough and then see if he would like to try again or do something else. If a friend is over, it will probably be their turn next and Daniel will have to wait for his turn or to move on to another activity.

Another thing you might want to try is limiting play that involves a winner, or someone being “first”. Young children often have little ability to comprehend competitive games and many of these games can be modified to suit preschoolers. Kick the ball to each other or make the goal larger so there is more chance of success. Or simply come up with games that are not competitive at all. There are so many large muscle activities that children love to do that are non competitive. A sand pit to dig in will be well used for several years and young children love to run, climb and use their imaginations outside. Avoiding competition might be particularly important for your son in social situations, which can be stressful for some small children. If your child’s behavior declines and the episodes increase in the school year this might be particularly helpful.

Your son may also be more tired during the school term, being busier, having more of a schedule and higher expectations may be affecting his behavior. Growing children need their sleep and lack of it will show. Also check your son’s diet, are there certain foods that trigger behavior or are there changes to his diet during school opposed to term break?

Finally, watch your own behavior; be sure to take the small setbacks of life in stride. Children really do live by example and a child’s parents are their main role models. If you want your child to learn to handle disappointments gracefully make a point to do so as well.

Michele Dennis
email

Potty Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 09:56:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele,

My little boy, who is just over 3 and a half years old is refusing to give up his nappies.

He knows when he is going to do a wee or a poo. When he is about to do a poo in his nappy he tells me and he takes himself off and does it. I know from when he doesn’t have his clothes on or before his bath that he can do wee in the toilet and knows if needs to – but he is point blank refusing to get rid of his nappy.

If he is naked for too long – he will ask to have his nappy and clothes on. I talk about wearing jocks/boxers and he says that he doesn’t want to do that until he is 40 years old. I talk about the kids at Kindy (which he has started this week at a beautiful little community school) not wearing nappies and how his dad (we are separated) wears jocks/boxers – but he refuses. I got him to wear jocks for 5 minutes the other day by bribing him with a sweet biscuit – but I hated every minute of it because I am totally against bribing my child – it was out of pure desperation!

Do you have any ideas? I have always believed that he will stop wearing nappies when he is ready – just like he stopped breastfeeding when he was 3 and he stopped days sleeping when he was 3 years old, he decided when to start walking and when to start talking – but I am wondering how long this nappy thing will go on for?

Tracey

A. Yes, it’s true. Your son will stop wearing his nappies when he is ready. The important thing for you to do is stay relaxed and supportive as he moves through this important transition.

Sharing with your son that his father wears underpants is great and if looks up to any other older people, you can mention them as well. However, it might be better not to point out other toddlers who are out of diapers. It is probably best not to compare him to his peers.

As far as wearing the underpants, offer them to him every day. When he refuses, just calmly say, ok maybe tomorrow. Keep offering and I am sure one day soon he will say yes. I remember putting the underpants on my son’s favorite teddy and when teddy had to go potty we took the pants of and put him on the potty. You can also have special potty songs or anything you can think of that makes the potty special and fun. Using the potty and wearing underpants is very grown up and worth celebrating. Some people use a potty chart, just be sure these things don’t have any pressure attached to them.

If after a couple of hours your son’s diaper is dry, try taking it off anyway and get him to wee into the toilet or potty. If he refuses, that’s ok, just keep asking. One of these days he will say yes. When he goes be sure to celebrate his success. Then offer the underpants. Even if he only wants them on for a short time, celebrate this as well. Praise him for wearing the underpants and then put the nappy on.

Every child stops wearing nappies at some point, and for your son it will be soon. He is showing signs of readiness. Although it seems like forever, this will pass quickly. The main thing you need to do is remain calm and patient.

Michele
email

Smells Like Peer Pressure

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:36:00 +0000

Q. Hi Michele, My son is 12 years old and has just started high school. Several of his friends are using spray-on antiperspirant or deodorant. Now that he is getting older his need to feel just like his mates is getting stronger and he isn’t always interested in my ideas about things like this putting his health at risk. He has no body odour issues, he doesn’t even need deodorant, but when I mentioned that he got upset and told me he would be the only one not using deodorant. I don’t want to devalue him and I am willing to help him feel comfortable among his peers. At the same time I am not willing to let him use a product that has known carcinogens or heavy metals in it.

Any suggestions?

Liz
Mount Pleasant WA

A. You are right in not wanting your son to use commercial deodorant or antiperspirant. There are several ingredients in these products that are potentially very hazardous to humans.

The ingredient in antiperspirant used to block your sweat is aluminium. Aluminium is linked to Alzheimer’s as well as learning difficulties in children. Even some antiperspirants that are labelled as natural contain aluminium.

Several ingredients in antiperspirants and deodorants are linked to disruption in gastrointestinal or liver function, which can cause risks to the immune and nervous systems.

Other ingredients are associated with birth defects, premature breast development in girls and reproductive tract abnormalities in males. There are also known toxins and carcinogens in most deodorants. Christine Farlow, author of Dying to Look Good has written an excellent article on the most dangerous ingredients in deodorant. It can be found on the link below. http://searchwarp.com/swa43894.htm

Unfortunately, potential dangers to your son’s health sometime in the future probably aren’t concerning him too much right now. What is worrying him is how he will stack up next to his new mates in high school. Peer pressure can be very intense, especially at the beginning of year 7, when most students are starting high school. What may seem like nothing to you is a very big deal to a young boy trying to fit in to his peer group.

Timing is key when bringing up topics that are important to both of you. Approach your son sometime when he has a few minutes to talk. Explain to him why it is important to you that he not uses these products however this doesn’t mean he can’t use any deodorant. Show him the list of harmful chemicals found in commercial deodorants. Tell him how you feel when you think of him becoming very sick from these chemicals.

Remind your son that no one is examining his personal hygiene habits as closely as he thinks they are and assure him that if he did develop body odour (or any other hygiene concern) you will tell him about it, discretely. Tell him he can use a deodorant if he would like to but maybe you can find one that meets both your needs. You can go together to a health food store or chemist that carries natural products so he can pick one he would like to try. Working it out together will help your son feel involved it the decision making process.

Also be sure that you are not saying no to everything. When your child asks for something and the risks are not big or if it something you can allow occasionally, be sure to say yes once in awhile. As your son gets older, he will want more freedom and being too strict can sometimes backfire.

Communication is important, check in with him after a few days and see if he is happy with the choice of deodorant. Remember to be available to your son so he can bring up the things that concern him. There are bound to be some big issues ahead and how we address things with our children at this crucial age lays the groundwork for the teen years.

Michele
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Long in the Tooth

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 03:21:00 +0000

Q: Hi Michele, My son is 13 months old. We are having trouble with tooth brushing: whilst he loves to carry his toothbrush and toothpaste around, he is not tolerating the brushing of his teeth. When we attempt to put the toothbrush in his mouth, he clamps his lips shut, shakes his head and gets distressed.

We have tried a lot of methods to make him feel comfortable with tooth brushing: allowing him to play with the toothbrush and toothpaste; taking turns brushing each others teeth; distracting him with songs during brushing; brushing with a cloth; brushing at different times of the day; allowing him to brush his own teeth first. At best these methods may allow us a few seconds of brushing.

Our dilemma is how to balance his emotional and physical wellbeing during tooth brushing. He is obviously and vehemently telling us he does not want the tooth brush in his mouth. I feel I need to respect this, and that he would feel violated if I force him. He is going through a period of intense emotionality at this time, which we are working through together, however I do feel that forcing the tooth-brushing, and the mouth being such a focal point of the body and senses at this age, leaves him vulnerable to psychological harm and an abuse of the trust and connection I have worked hard to cultivate with him.

Unfortunately he has a family history of bad oral health, and he already has some yellow staining on his teeth. I could take him to a dentist, but know I am unlikely to get a solution that takes into account his holistic physical and psychological health.

Sammi, NSW

A: Sammi, I commend you in your respect for your son and his emotional needs. It can be tricky meeting both the emotional aspect of things as well as the physical. With small children it is often patience and perseverance that is needed most.

As you have already put a lot of thought into this I have come up with a couple suggestions that may apply to your situation.

The first thing I would suggest is putting tooth brushing into your morning and evening routine. This can be a challenge when your son has shown you that he is definitely not interested in brushing, just get the brush out and do something with it after breakfast and at night every day. As your son begins to see that brushing his teeth happens at the same time every day he may come to accept the brush over time. Routine is incredibly important to young children and working the brushing of teeth into the rhythm of the day might do the trick.

As for some creative ways to get your son interested I came up with a few you may like to try. You might try brushing in the bathtub. Or get a favourite soft toy or puppet and brush his teeth and tell a story about the stuffed toy that involves brushing his teeth. You could also get a flashlight and brush in the dark or use a timer to distract your son. At first set the timer for a very short time and if he brushes or allows you to brush give him lots of praise and a big hug. Let him know how proud you are of him. If your son doesn’t have a go with any of these options just let it go-don’t react one way or the other.

As for a visit to the dentist, your son is still a bit young but if he has staining on his teeth you may want to find out what is contributing to it. Some things that can cause issues are falling asleep with a bottle or sippy cup, especially with juice in them. Drinking lots of juice or coloured beverages can discolour teeth. Even falling asleep while breast-feeding can cause staining in children who are susceptible. This is not to suggest giving up breast-feeding; only you know when it is the best time to do that.

There are different types of build up or staining and some are of more concern than others. I understand your fears about going to the dentist, ask people you know if they can recommend one you could trust. There are some very good dentists out there, many with a holistic approach. With the right dental office to assist, you may avoid a bigger oral health issue in the future.

Michele
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Help with the Big Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:16:00 +0000

Q: Our three-year-old son has an extremely strong sense of personal space. At least that is what we put it down to.

This manifests itself over a great range of issues ranging from refusal to try new foods to going into complete hysterics at the doctor’s office.

Other examples: wearing a new pair of shoes or hat, wearing a helmet when riding his bike, having his temperature taken (by me!), taking medication, etc.

About a month ago my husband rushed him to the emergency department in the wee hours of the morning as he woke with a dreadful barking cough and difficulty breathing. Whilst acknowledging the fact that he would have been very scared he had to be physically restrained by his heart-sick father, screaming and flailing all the while (son not father), so the doctor could examine him.

Is there any way we can get through the ‘big issues’ in a respectful manner and without scarring him for life!

PS. He's also desperately in need of a haircut and has never had one before (LOL) and heaven forbid he ever needs to go to the dentist.

Maryanne

A: Wow! Sounds like life can be challenging at times to say the least. One issue your son may be dealing with is tactile sensitivity also known as tactile defensiveness. Your son’s nervous system is overreacting to normal tactile experiences. It is as if normal tactile experiences are unconsciously perceived as dangerous to a tactile defensive child.

There are a few things I would recommend. First expose your son to many different tactile experiences. When it is craft time use finger paints, clay, make mushy experiments and mud pies. Garden, play in the rain, make your own play dough and bread. On rainy days you can play games by filling a tub with oats, rice or barley then put in some small objects and hunt them out. There are also several old fashioned games where rhymes are played out on a child’s back, clapping games and even rough housing. You can also take turns massaging each other on the back, feet and hands, using a nice lotion.

Secondly I would suggest the wearing of hats when they are not really needed, put one on yourself when you are at home and then offer one to your son. He can put it on or not but you leave yours on, he may take your lead and put a hat on later. Same with gumboots and new jumpers then when it is actually important to wear the item he may be more likely to do so. Put your bike helmet on to play in the yard or do some chores around the house.

Role-playing might also help when it comes to experiences with the doctor, dentist and haircuts. Get out the dolls, teddies or dinosaurs and take them for a check up or last minute visit to the doctor. Either you or your son could be the doctor. Don’t forget to give them their medicine! Your son could practice having his temperature taken or he could take yours from time to time. If your hairdresser is child friendly your son could come along when you get your haircut and sit on your lap. Of course you may need another adult with you for this visit.

New foods may need to be presented more than several times. With my own son I had to start by just having a bit of something new on his plate. I would do this three or four times and then progress to having a bite of the food. From there it was a “doll’s portion” after that we were usually on our way to enjoying that item. If it appears to be a texture issue rather than a taste or just that the food is new it may take longer. Some children have a real aversion to mushy or lumpy foods, this can be overcome but it may take quite some time and patience.

Although we may never be fully prepared for those late night visits to the emergency room, I hope some of my suggestions make life a little easier for you and your son. I am sure our readers have plenty of good stories and suggestions to share as well.

To share, just click on 'comments' below or email Michele here.

Michele

Get Moving

noreply@blogger.com (Jesse Atkinson) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 02:42:00 +0000

Q: I can’t seem to get my 10-year old daughter to do anything active. She plays soccer but only puts in the minimal effort and in her free time she is happy reading or doing quiet activities. We don’t watch much TV and she is only allowed one hour of computer on the weekend. What can I do to help her be more active?

A: You have already alleviated the biggest obstacle to physical activity. Television and other screen activities are the main detractors to physical activity. Fortunately you don’t have that hurdle to overcome.

The importance of physical activity has been stressed enough in the press, so we are all aware of the need to be active. However it can be a challenge to motivate a child who is not inclined to be active and not all children prefer an active lifestyle. This is when you need to get creative. If your child doesn’t care for the typical sports children her age enjoy she may prefer something a bit different like circus, gymnastics, golf or pony club. Since she is involved in a sport, make sure you are involved yourself, help with transport and stay and watch her play. You can also play a bit of soccer together, practice goal kicks in the yard or go to the park and play.

There are plenty of ways to be active other than organised sport.

A ten-year-old child will need your participation and encouragement in order to be sufficiently active if they are not inclined to be. Your daughter may like to do some gardening with you or have a patch of her own. Make time on the weekend for family activities such as trips to the beach, cycling, hiking, and fishing. Make sure you have the right equipment and you never know what might spark interest for your child. Take a map when you hike, add a worm farm to your garden or put a bell or water bottle holder on her bike. Try new things and remember your child’s interests may not be the same as yours.

Much of the advice that is given to adults also applies to children. Try to incorporate activity into your daily routines. Walk to school, the library, shops or the cinema. If you have to drive places try not to drive around in circles looking for the closest spot, park further away and walk. Wash the car together, walk the dog or have a Saturday morning cleaning session.

Depending on your approach to pocket money some of these activities could come with a monetary incentive. There probably opportunities in your neighbourhood as well. An elderly or busy neighbour may appreciate having their dog walked or garden weeded.

Some of these things may be met with resistance at first, hopefully over time she will get used to a more active lifestyle and she may even find something she can be passionate about. The important thing is to stay positive and be creative. If she feels it is a battle of wills or that you are always arguing, your efforts may be in vain.

I would love to hear from anyone who has a great alternative way for families to be active together. I’m sure there are some great stories as well, successful or not, please share them with us.

To share, just click on 'comments' below or email Michele here.

Allowance - what's the right amount?

noreply@blogger.com (Kali Wendorf) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:52:00 +0000

Question: I’m wondering what are the age-appropriate amounts of allowance for children? Could you give some guidelines?

Answer: Kids and allowance is a hot topic for parents and children alike. I often talk to the boys who come over to visit my sons about spending money and chores. There are many theories out there. Some parents seem to put a lot of thought into it--assigning chores and responsibilities, others seem to just give the money to their children. I encourage you to think carefully about what you decide to do as the way you handle your money and what you allow your children to do are their first lessons in financial management and influence your child's relationship to money.

I personally feel that children should contribute to the running of the house--without being paid-- just like adults do. So I have regular chores for my sons to do that are not attached to spending money and separate jobs in which they get paid to do. These extra 'paid' jobs are optional; they decide if they need the money. This way the important jobs get done regardless and if the paid ones don’t, I am not hassling them to do something and then paying them for it. Many experts advise not to link allowance to chores at all, thus creating a feeling of cooperation in the family.

The goal of allowance is having children learn financial lessons while the stakes are relatively small. Sit down and write a list of what you currently give your children money for that you would like them to pay for themselves. The amount of money you give them every week should cover those things. Then talk to your child about what you expect them to pay for and whether you expect them to save some of it. This approach should eliminate some of the battles you have over what you are willing to pay for.

My family has tried a few different things over the years with various degrees of success. One mistake I made was starting allowance too early. I can remember my younger son in tears, not understanding that once you spent, lost or gave away your two dollars, that was it until next week. I know that is the lesson you are supposed to learn but there is something to be said for age-appropriate lessons. Then there is the opposite end of the spectrum--waiting too long, until they are too old. If you wait until your child is nine or ten, you may have missed the opportunity for them to be willing to fully listen to your advice. Preschool is a good age to start with a very small amount of money, as it will probably be lost. By the start of primary school children can begin to understand the larger concepts of saving, spending and donating. Then once your child is in late primary school, you can increase the amount that you allow them to work with and the things they are responsible for.

Another mistake I made was giving them spending money and continuing to spend my own money on them at the same rate as before. This of coarse defeats the purpose of trying to teach them about money matters. Their piggy banks filled up as my wallet emptied!

I know I didn’t give you dollar amounts related to specific ages. This will vary depending on your own budget and what you would like your child to learn about finances and the maturity of the individual child.

If you have had an experience with allowance, feel free to share it with us in the comments below. It is always better to learn from others than to struggle with our children, causing pain all around, just to find out later it could be done differently.

When a Toddler Bites

noreply@blogger.com (Michele Dennis) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 01:44:00 +0000

Question: My little three-year-old daughter has just begun biting children in the playground. She’s normally happy, bright and cooperative – so this behaviour is totally out of the blue.

Answer: Biting at this age is generally done out of frustration, usually because of a lack of being able to communicate effectively, rather than to deliberately harm another child. First you need to get down to your child’s eye level and tell them not to bite, that it hurts people. Get them to show they are sorry, with hug or kind word. Then tell your daughter that she needs to use her words to ask for what she wants-usually a toy or a turn on the playground equipment. Also give her the option of coming to get you to help her. Watch your daughter closely for awhile and you will see when she is starting to get upset, go over and try to divert her attention or help her communicate her needs. If she continues you can try giving more attention to the injured child than to her. This can work as the attention is not on her but on the child that was bitten.