Grandma answers first. Then your sister. Then you. Then your niece answers her own question. It’s easy to picture none of the answers quite matching.

Generations are rough labels. Pew Research Center uses birth years to define them: Boomers were born from 1946 to 1964, Gen X from 1965 to 1980, Millennials from 1981 to 1996, and Gen Z from 1997 onward. Plenty of people won’t fit their generation’s pattern, and culture, money, and family history often matter more than birth year. Pew itself has said it won’t always default to these labels, partly to avoid stereotypes, since differences between age groups often come from life stage or the times rather than birth year.

So think of the four answers below as portraits, not findings: four ways of thinking about motherhood that can show up in any generation, and often overlap in the same family, or even the same person. Each one does connect to a real change in how families have lived.

And many mothers are rethinking the job right now, whatever their generation. In a 2023 Pew survey of U.S. parents with children under 18, 48% of mothers said they were trying to raise their children differently from how they were raised.

The Boomer answer: “Keep everything running”

Ask a Boomer mom, and you might hear about meals on the table, clean clothes, a home that worked, and children who were where they were supposed to be.

That makes sense for the world many of them grew up in. In 1965, according to Pew’s analysis of time-use data, mothers spent an average of 32 hours a week on housework and about 8 hours on paid work. Many Boomer women then raised their own children while moving into paid work in much larger numbers, often keeping most of the household load too.

What’s worth borrowing: steadiness. Children notice when dinner shows up, when the ride comes, when someone is reliably there.

The Gen X answer: “Raise kids who can manage without you”

Many Gen Xers grew up with a key on a string around their neck, letting themselves in after school while both parents worked. Ask a Gen X mom, and you might hear something like, “My job is to make sure they can take care of themselves.”

That answer often comes with pride. Plenty of Gen Xers learned to cook, solve problems, and get through boredom on their own, and want the same for their kids.

What’s worth borrowing: confidence in children. Letting a child try, struggle a bit, and figure it out can be a form of care, too.

The Millennial answer: “Be there for all of it”

Millennials are raising many of today’s young children, and you might hear a bigger answer from them: keep the kids safe and fed, yes, but also notice their feelings, explain things, and stay closely involved.

That fits a broader shift. Pew found that by 2011, mothers were spending more time with their children than mothers did in the 1960s, even while working more hours for pay.

What’s worth borrowing: attention to how a child feels. A parent who says, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me what happened,” is teaching something that lasts.

The Gen Z answer: “It shouldn’t all be on her”

The oldest members of Gen Z are in their late twenties, and many are only starting to become parents. Ask them, and you might hear a question back: why is it only a mom’s job?

They’ve grown up watching parenting become more shared. Between 1965 and 2011, fathers nearly tripled their time with children, according to Pew, though mothers still did more on average. That’s a change in how families lived, not a measure of what Gen Z expects. But you might hear some younger parents say they want to split the work from the start, and protect some time for themselves along the way.

What’s worth borrowing: the idea that a mother’s own needs count. A parent who rests, asks for help, and has a life of her own is showing children something, too.

Where the answers overlap

Put the four answers side by side, and they’re less opposed than they first sound. Each one is trying to make sure children are safe, cared for, and ready for the world. The differences are mostly about what that took in each era, and who was expected to do it.

Each answer also has a blind spot. Keeping everything running can leave little room for feelings. Raising independent kids can leave some of them feeling on their own too early. Being there for everything can wear a parent out. And sharing the load works best when there’s someone to share it with.

Seen that way, the generations aren’t really competing. They’re each holding one piece of the picture.

Try asking it at your own table

Next time the family is together, ask the question out loud: “What do you think a mom’s job is?” Let each person answer without anyone correcting them.

Then ask one follow-up: “Who taught you that?” The stories that come back, about a mother who worked nights or a grandmother who never sat down, are often the best part of the conversation.

After that, try a second question: “What did you wish someone had helped you with?” The answers can turn into something concrete: cooking dinner one night, taking a school pickup, or giving a new mother an afternoon off once the baby arrives.

The post Ask a Boomer, a Gen Xer, a Millennial and a Gen Z what a mom’s job is, and you’ll get four very different answers appeared first on The Artful Parent.

Food and traditions matter. The stuffing recipe, the ornament with the missing glitter, the same movie every Christmas Eve. But a table can hold the best stuffing in the state and still feel like a test.

What can make a home easy to come back to is quieter than any of that. It’s the feeling that nobody is counting: not the nights, not the gifts, not the years they couldn’t make it.

Not every adult child can come home, and distance, money, work, health, and their own families all play a part. Not coming isn’t a verdict on anyone. But for families who’d like the holidays to feel lighter, here’s what not keeping score can look like.

1. Nobody grades how long they stay

Your son arrives on the 24th and leaves on the 26th. Before his coat is off, you say, “Only two nights?”

It usually comes from wanting more time together. But once the length of a visit becomes a number to comment on, the visit itself can start to feel like it falls short.

Two nights is two nights with him. “I’m so glad you’re here” is the whole sentence. If you’d love a longer stay next year, you can mention that in March, once, without the holiday riding on it.

2. The year they missed doesn’t come up

Last Christmas she was in Denver with her partner’s family, or working a hospital shift, or just too tired to travel. This year she’s here.

It can be tempting to mark the return: “Nice of you to join us this time.” Even said with a smile, it brings last year’s empty chair to this year’s table.

Let the past year stay where it is. If you missed her, “We missed you last year, and it’s so good to have you” says it without the invoice attached.

3. Nobody keeps a tally of who did the dishes

One sibling cooked for two days. Another arrived just in time for dinner. A third spent the afternoon on the couch with the kids.

Fairness matters, and it’s reasonable to want help. The trouble starts when the work turns into a quiet ledger, and comments like “Some of us have been up since six” start floating over the gravy.

It helps to plan before resentment has a chance to build. Before everyone arrives, agree on who’s cooking, clearing up, or bringing a dish, with room for people’s abilities and circumstances.

During the visit, ask directly, and ask everyone: “Could you two take the dishes tonight? I’ll do breakfast tomorrow.” A clear request is easier to say yes to than a grievance.

4. Gifts aren’t compared

One child gives you a weekend away. Another gives you a framed photo and a card. You say “Wow!” to the first one a little louder.

Budgets vary a lot between siblings, and between years. A gift that cost less may have taken more thought, or may be all someone could manage that December.

Thank each person for their gift on its own terms. “I’m going to put this right by my bed” lands the same whether it came from a department store or a drugstore.

5. The table isn’t a progress report

Over dinner, the news gets passed around with the potatoes. Your eldest got a promotion. Your youngest’s wife is expecting. Your middle child is still renting, still single, and still “figuring it out.”

Celebrating good news is part of family. But when one sibling’s milestones become the measuring stick, the others can start dreading the toast.

Ask each person about something that matters to them, not only the big announcements: the trip they took, the dog, the class they’re teaching. Everyone’s year counts, even the quiet ones.

6. Last year’s argument stays in last year

Two Thanksgivings ago, there was a fight about politics, or money, or who said what at the wedding. Maybe it was resolved. Maybe it just faded.

If it was never really talked through, it may still need a conversation, just not over pie with everyone watching. And if it was settled, bringing it back up (“Let’s keep things civil this year, shall we?”) can reopen it.

Let people arrive as who they are now. If something still needs saying, find a quiet moment for two people, not an audience of twelve.

7. New partners aren’t measured against old ones

Your son brings someone new home for the first time. Halfway through dinner, an aunt says, “Remember when Rachel brought that amazing trifle?”

It might just be nostalgia. To the new person at the table, and to your son, it can feel like a scoreboard they didn’t know they’d been put on.

Ask the new partner about themselves instead: where they grew up, what their family does for the holidays. And if someone mentions an ex, a gentle change of subject is a kindness to everyone.

Where to start

Most families keep a little score without meaning to. It comes from caring, from fairness, and sometimes from feeling left out ourselves.

This year, pick one tally to drop. Skip the comment about the short stay, or thank every gift the same way. And if a score slips out anyway, own it: “I’m sorry I said ‘only two nights.’ I know you’ve made time to come, and I’m glad you’re here.” Then pass the potatoes.

The post When adult children keep coming home for the holidays without being asked, it often isn’t the food or the traditions that brings them back, it’s that nobody keeps score appeared first on The Artful Parent.

Both reactions are understandable. But a large body of research suggests that certain kinds of strictness, particularly harsh punishment and control through fear or shame, are linked to a recognizable set of patterns in adulthood. Knowing about them can help adults understand themselves, and help parents today decide what kind of firmness they want to bring to their own homes.

One important caution first. These are tendencies found across large groups of people, not a description of any individual. Plenty of people raised in strict homes are thriving, and many factors shape who we become.

Strict isn’t the same as harsh

Psychologists have long distinguished between two kinds of parents who both set firm rules. In the framework developed by psychologist Diana Baumrind, “authoritarian” parents demand obedience, enforce rules through threats, punishment or shaming, and offer little warmth or explanation. “Authoritative” parents also set and enforce limits, but they are warm, explain their reasons and invite questions, according to a research review by Parenting Science.

That distinction matters, because the research tends to flag the harshness rather than the rules. In a large meta-analysis of more than 1,400 studies, psychologist Martin Pinquart found that harsh discipline and psychological control were the strongest predictors of children’s behavior problems getting worse over time. A child can grow up with clear boundaries and high expectations and still feel safe, loved and heard.

What five decades of research found about spanking

Physical punishment is often part of a very strict upbringing, and it has been studied more than almost any other parenting practice. In 2016, Elizabeth Gershoff of the University of Texas at Austin and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor of the University of Michigan published a meta-analysis in the Journal of Family Psychology that pooled about 50 years of research involving more than 160,000 children. They defined spanking as an open-handed hit on the behind or limbs, not as abuse.

Spanking was linked to 13 of the 17 outcomes they examined, all in a harmful direction, including more defiance, aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties. It was not linked to better compliance, either immediately or in the long run. And adults who had been spanked more as children were more likely to show antisocial behavior and mental health problems, and more likely to support physical punishment for their own children.

“Spanking thus does the opposite of what parents usually want it to do,” Grogan-Kaylor said.

Patterns research links to very strict upbringings

Drawing on that and other research, here are some of the patterns that tend to show up more often in adults raised in harsh, highly controlling homes.

1. A loud inner critic

When expectations are high and criticism is frequent, children can learn to turn that voice on themselves. In two meta-analyses published in Psychological Bulletin in 2022, covering more than 20,000 college students in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom, Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill found that students who felt their parents had high expectations and were critical tended to be more perfectionistic, especially in feeling that others demanded perfection of them. The research is correlational, but the link was consistent.

2. A habit of hiding mistakes

When getting caught means harsh punishment, children learn not to get caught. In a 2011 study in Child Development, Victoria Talwar and Kang Lee compared 3- and 4-year-olds at two West African schools, one where teachers routinely beat, slapped and pinched children and one that used time-outs and scolding. When children who had peeked at a hidden toy were asked about it, nearly all of those from the punitive school lied, compared with about half from the other school, and they kept up their lies more skillfully. “Lying seems particularly adaptive for the situation,” Lee said. The study involved young children, not adults, but it shows how early the habit of concealment can take root.

3. More anxiety and low mood

The spanking meta-analysis found links with mental health problems both in childhood and in adulthood. The Parenting Science review also describes studies in several countries linking authoritarian parenting with anxiety, depression and lower life satisfaction later on, including a Spanish study in which adults raised this way reported less happiness.

4. Anger, defiance or trouble with authority

Harsh control is meant to produce obedience, yet the research often finds the opposite. The Pinquart meta-analysis found harsh discipline predicted worsening behavior problems, and the Parenting Science review describes a study in which teenagers with more authoritarian parents were more likely over time to reject their parents’ authority and to get into trouble. For some adults, that shows up as quick anger, or difficulty with bosses and rules.

5. Repeating the pattern

Perhaps the most important finding for parents: adults who were spanked more as children were more likely to support physical punishment themselves, according to Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor. Many of us parent the way we were parented, unless we make a conscious choice to do otherwise.

Culture and context matter

The research isn’t identical everywhere. Pinquart and a colleague, reviewing more than 425 studies from around the world, found that authoritarian parenting was associated with at least one negative outcome in every region, according to the Parenting Science review. But some effects were weaker where strict parenting is the cultural norm, and some studies of Chinese families found authoritarian parenting alongside high achievement. One researcher has argued that this may be because those parents were also especially close to their children.

It isn’t destiny

For adults who recognize themselves here, the research offers understanding, not blame. Our parents usually did what they believed was right, often repeating what was done to them. And patterns learned in childhood can change. Noticing a harsh inner voice, practicing self-compassion, talking things through with a partner or friend, or working with a counselor can all help.

For parents today, the message is encouraging. You don’t have to choose between being firm and being kind. Clear rules, explained calmly, enforced consistently and delivered with warmth give children both structure and safety. That combination is what psychologists mean by authoritative parenting: high standards, held with warmth.

The post In a meta-analysis of five decades of research on more than 160,000 children, spanking was linked to more antisocial behavior and mental health problems in adulthood, and to adults who were more likely to favor spanking their own kids appeared first on The Artful Parent.

“We never had that in my day,” you say. “We just got on with it.”

He nods, dries the pan, and changes the subject. You may not notice anything happened at all.

Most of the phrases below aren’t cruel. Many are things parents heard from their own parents, or say out of habit, worry, or a wish to be close. But said often enough, a few small phrases can teach an adult child to share a little less each time. Here are eight worth noticing, and what you might say instead.

1. “We never had that in my day.”

Back to the dishes. You may have meant it as a simple fact. Times were different, and you did get through hard things without much help.

But your son had just told you something personal. “We just got on with it” can sound like a verdict on him, and on the help he’s chosen.

A better response is curiosity: “I’m glad you told me. How’s it going so far?” You don’t have to understand it the way he does to be interested.

2. “That must be nice.”

Your daughter mentions a week in Portugal, or that she works from home on Fridays, or that they’ve hired someone to clean every other week.

If you worked long hours and rarely took a vacation, a flash of envy is understandable. But “that must be nice” can land as a small dig, and it can make good news feel like something to apologize for.

If she sounds excited, try matching it: “Portugal! Where are you staying?” Being glad for someone doesn’t mean you have to pretend your own years were easy.

3. “I’m just being honest.”

This one usually arrives right after a comment about a haircut, a new boyfriend, or the price of their house.

Honesty matters, and families need room for it. But “I’m just being honest” can turn a criticism into something they’re not allowed to mind. If they push back, it can sound like the problem is that they can’t handle the truth.

Before saying the thing, it helps to ask whether it’s useful, and whether they asked. If you do need to say something hard, say it once, kindly, and skip the label: “Can I tell you one thing I’m worried about?”

4. “You’re too sensitive.”

Your daughter tells you that your joke at dinner about her weight upset her. You didn’t mean it badly, and you say so: “Oh, come on. You’re too sensitive.”

You might really not have meant any harm. But when someone tells you they were hurt, “too sensitive” moves the conversation away from what you said and onto what’s wrong with them.

A short repair works better: “I shouldn’t have joked about your weight. I’m sorry.”

5. “So what is it you actually do all day?”

Your son works in software, or marketing, or something with a title you can’t quite repeat back. When you ask, it comes out with a little laugh.

Many jobs today look nothing like the ones parents grew up with. Not understanding someone’s work is normal. Treating it like it might not be real work can sting, especially if they’re proud of it.

Try asking with real interest: “Walk me through a normal day. What’s the hardest part?” Then ask a follow-up the next time you talk. Remembering the name of his boss or his big project says a lot.

6. “Whatever you think is best.”

Said warmly, it’s a gift. Said with a sigh, after they’ve told you they’re spending Christmas with the in-laws, it can mean the opposite.

It’s normal to be disappointed. The trouble is when the disappointment comes out sideways, and they’re left guessing whether you’re fine or hurt.

You can be honest without the sigh: “I’ll miss you on Christmas, I won’t pretend I won’t. Can we find another day to celebrate?” That tells them where you stand and gives them something to say yes to.

7. “I won’t be around forever, you know.”

It often comes out when a visit is shorter than you hoped, or a call ends sooner than you’d like.

It’s true, and it may be on your mind more as you get older. But as a way of asking for more time, it can bring guilt rather than closeness. Visits made out of guilt can feel heavy for everyone.

Ask for what you want directly: “I’d love to see more of you this year. Could we plan a weekend in the spring?” If you’re worried about your health or the future, that’s worth its own real conversation.

8. “I had to find out on Facebook.”

Your daughter posts that she’s been promoted, and you see it at the same time as her old school friends and your neighbor.

It’s natural to feel a little left out. But opening the next call with “I had to find out on Facebook” can turn good news into a complaint, and may make her more careful about what she shares, and where.

Lead with the news instead: “I saw about the promotion. Congratulations! How are you feeling about the new role?” Then let her decide how much to share.

If you’ve said a few of these

Most parents will recognize at least one. They’re easy to say, and many of us grew up hearing them.

It’s never too late for a small repair. Next time you talk, try: “I’ve been thinking about what I said while we were doing the dishes. You told me something important, and I brushed it off. I’m sorry. If you’d like to tell me more, I’m listening.”

The post “We never had that in my day” and 7 other phrases that quietly push adult children away appeared first on The Artful Parent.

And before you’ve thought about it, you hear yourself say, “You’re too soft on him.”

You raised children. You learned things the hard way, and some of what you learned still holds. It’s natural to want to pass it on, especially to someone you love who looks this tired.

But a comment about how someone parents can land harder than almost anything else you say to them. Many new parents already feel watched and second-guessed. And some advice has changed since you were the one in the high chair splash zone.

None of this means staying silent if you’re worried about a child’s safety or wellbeing. That’s a different conversation, and one worth having directly. These seven are the everyday comments that tend to slip out, and what you might say instead.

1. “You’re too soft on him.”

Back to the peas. Your daughter had a plan. You may not have recognized it, because it doesn’t look like the plan you would have used.

Styles of discipline have shifted a lot over the years, and parents today may be working from books, classes, or a pediatrician’s advice you haven’t seen. When you call it “soft,” what she may hear is that her whole approach is wrong, in front of her son.

Try asking how you can match it: “What do you say when he does that? I’d like to do the same at my place.”

2. “You’ll spoil her if you keep picking her up.”

The baby cries, and your son scoops her up for the fourth time this hour. Plenty of parents heard the opposite advice a generation ago: let them cry, or they’ll never learn.

Current guidance has moved. The American Academy of Pediatrics says you cannot spoil a young baby with attention, and that responding promptly in the first few months can mean less crying overall.

A kinder thing to say: “She settles so well with you.” If he looks worn out, you can offer, “Want me to take a turn walking her?”

3. “Your sister’s kids sleep through the night.”

It might be meant as reassurance, proof that it’s possible. To a parent running on four hours of sleep, it can sound like a grade, and a failing one.

Children differ hugely in temperament, sleep, eating, and everything else, even within one family. Comparing your adult children’s parenting can also add tension between the siblings themselves.

Instead, ask about this child: “How’s his sleep been this week?” Then listen, without offering a fix unless you’re asked.

4. “It’s a shame he has to be in daycare all day.”

You may mean it as sympathy for your grandson. Your son may hear it as a comment on his choices, or on what the family can afford.

Most parents have thought about childcare far more than anyone else has. Work, money, and what’s available nearby often decide it. Hearing that it’s “a shame” doesn’t change any of those things. It just adds guilt.

Try being curious about the child’s world instead: “Who are his friends at daycare? What does he like doing there?” Ask about his teacher’s name, and remember it next time.

5. “Is he talking yet? You were all talking by now.”

Parents of young children often worry about milestones already, and a comparison to their own childhood can add to it.

Children develop at different rates, but missed milestones, lost skills, or other developmental concerns deserve a conversation with their doctor. The CDC notes that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends developmental screening at 9, 18, and 30 months, and whenever a parent or provider has a concern.

If you do have a real worry, it’s fair to raise it once, privately and gently: “I noticed he doesn’t say many words yet. Has the doctor said anything?” Then trust them to follow it up. Day to day, “What’s he into lately?” is a better question.

6. “So when are you giving him a little brother or sister?”

It can sound like a happy, hopeful question. But family size is a private decision, and it can be tied up with money, health, careers, a hard pregnancy, or something the couple hasn’t told anyone.

Even if the answer is simple, being asked repeatedly can make every visit feel like a check-in on their plans.

It’s fine to let them bring it up. Until they do, focus on the grandchild in front of you. If they ever raise it, try: “How are you feeling about it? I’m here if you’d like to talk.”

7. “I raised three of you. I think I know.”

This one usually comes out when you’ve offered advice and it’s been turned down. It’s a fair point in a way. You do have experience.

But it can turn a difference of opinion into a question of who’s in charge. And with their children, the parents are.

A better line keeps the door open: “I’ve been there, though a lot has changed. If you ever want my take, just ask.” Then leave it there, and let them decide whether to ask.

If one slips out

Most grandparents will recognize at least one of these. They tend to come out when you care a lot and the moment moves fast.

A short repair is enough: “I’m sorry I called you soft. You were handling it, and I interrupted.” And next time you see something you’d like to comment on, try noticing one thing they’re doing well, and saying that instead.

The post 7 things to stop saying to your adult child about their parenting, and what to say instead appeared first on The Artful Parent.

There was no obvious argument, but the weekend felt strained. You can’t shake the feeling that the visit went wrong somewhere, and that they don’t come as often as they used to.

Grown children visit less for all kinds of reasons: jobs, money, distance, young kids, their partner’s family, their own health, or a stretch of life that’s simply full. Some distance has nothing to do with you. And serious estrangement, especially where there’s been real harm, is a different situation from the one this piece is about.

But sometimes the distance grows out of something smaller. A parent who was loving and present for 18 years keeps doing the job, long after the job has changed.

The old Stoic rule

Epictetus was a Greek Stoic teacher who lived nearly 2,000 years ago. His short handbook, the Enchiridion, opens with one idea. In the translation attributed to Elizabeth Carter on MIT’s Internet Classics Archive, section 1 begins: “Some things are in our control and others not.”

In his view, our own choices, efforts, and responses are ours to hold. Other people, and much of what happens to us, are not.

Epictetus wasn’t writing about grown children or family visits. Applying his rule to them is our own reading, but it fits surprisingly well.

For a parent of young kids, a lot of their life really is yours to hold: bedtimes, meals, who they see, where they go. With adult children, that list gets much shorter. What stays yours is your welcome, your words, your home, and how you respond. Their time, their plans, and how often they come belong to them.

Seen that way, these seven habits have something in common. Each one is a way of holding on to something that has quietly become theirs.

1. Planning every hour of the visit

Saturday: breakfast at eight, the farmers market, lunch with Aunt Carol, the new garden center, dinner at the place by the river. It comes from excitement, and from wanting them to have a good time.

But a packed schedule can feel less like a welcome and more like a program to get through, especially for adults who spend the rest of the week on someone else’s timetable.

Try planning one thing, maybe two, and asking about the rest: “Is there anything you’d like to do while you’re here, or would you rather just take it easy?” If the answer is a nap and a walk, that’s a good visit too.

2. Running the house the way you did when they were 15

Dinner at 5:30 sharp. Everyone up for church. Lights off by ten, and a comment if someone sleeps until nine.

Your home is yours, and some house rules are completely reasonable. You don’t have to rearrange your life for a weekend guest. The question is whether a rule is about your household, or about managing them.

“We usually eat around 5:30, but we can push it later if that’s easier” keeps your routine and treats them as guests rather than teenagers.

3. Waiting up for them

Your daughter heads out to meet an old school friend for a drink. “What time will you be back? Text me when you’re on your way.” At 11:40, you’re still on the couch with the lamp on.

The worry is real, and it doesn’t switch off just because a child turns 30. But a 30-year-old who’s checked on like a 16-year-old may start making fewer plans when she’s home, or staying somewhere else.

Try: “Have fun. Here’s a spare key. Please lock up when you get in.” Asking her to lock up is a fair request in your home. When she comes back is hers to decide.

4. Being the go-between with their siblings

“Your brother’s upset you didn’t call him on his birthday.” “Your sister said you two had words at Christmas. What happened?”

When the kids were small, sorting out sibling fights was part of the job. With adults, carrying messages back and forth can put you in the middle of a relationship that isn’t yours to run, and can make visits feel like a briefing.

If one of them brings it up, you can listen without taking it further: “That sounds hard. Have you talked to him about it?” Then let them sort it out between themselves, even if that takes a while.

5. Keeping score with the in-laws

“So you’re doing Thanksgiving with her family again this year?”

When there are two families or more to visit, someone always gets less time than they want. Counting the holidays, and letting them know you’re counting, can turn every invitation into a negotiation they have to manage.

It’s fine to say you’d love to see them. “We’d love to have you whenever works. Christmas, New Year’s, or a random weekend in February” gives them a way to say yes without picking sides.

6. Taking a canceled visit personally

The baby has a fever, and they call Friday morning to say they can’t make it. “Well, I already bought everything for dinner.”

Disappointment is fair. You were looking forward to it. But when a canceled visit lands with guilt, the next one can start to feel risky to plan at all.

“Oh, I’m sorry she’s sick. We’ll miss you. Let’s find another weekend” is enough. If you’re sad afterward, call a friend, freeze the roast, and let the next visit be easy to say yes to.

7. Making the goodbye heavy

The car is packed. “Already? Can’t you stay one more night?” Then again at the door, and once more at the car, along with a reminder of how quiet the house will be once they’re gone.

Missing them is part of loving them, and a long hug or a few tears in the driveway are fine. What can weigh on people is being asked again and again to stay, or driving home with guilt about the empty house they left behind.

Try: “I’ll miss you. I’m so glad you came. Safe trip home.” Save the quiet house for after the car turns the corner.

Where to start

None of these habits make someone a bad parent. Most of them are love, still doing the job it learned when the kids were small.

Next time they visit, pick one to let go of. Plan a little less, or skip the question about what time they’ll be home. Then pay attention to the part that’s still yours: the welcome, the coffee, the “I’m so glad you came.”

The post Many parents whose adult children rarely visit weren’t cruel or distant, they just never stopped parenting, and the old Stoic rule of only holding on to what’s yours to hold explains the 7 habits that quietly keep grown kids away appeared first on The Artful Parent.

But deciding how to spend that time can be surprisingly unfamiliar. We have had plenty of practice organising our days around responsibilities. Knowing what we want to give our attention to, when the choice is ours, can take a little more thought.

I found this when I retired after a long career in education. I welcomed the freedom and had plenty of things I wanted to do. Yet I also felt anxious and ungrounded. Work had given me direction, challenges and a sense of contributing. Enjoying my newfound freedom mattered, but I gradually realised I needed something to move towards as well.

We have spent years knowing what needs doing

When you are raising children and working, the next task usually announces itself. Someone needs collecting, something needs signing, a problem needs solving. Even when we long for a break, there can be satisfaction in knowing where our efforts belong.

Then our children grow up and work comes to an end. These changes may happen years apart, but both can alter the way we understand our place in the world. We remain parents, of course. There are still conversations, worries and occasions when help is needed. But our children are making lives with routines and priorities of their own.

Some of us have considerable caring responsibilities at this stage. Others have more space than we expected. Either way, it can be useful to ask what we would like our own lives to contain alongside the people and commitments we care about.

That question can be harder to answer than it sounds. We may know exactly what everyone else enjoys, yet need a moment when someone asks what we would like to do.

Enjoyment deserves a place in the week

I love walking, cycling, dancing and getting absorbed in a good book. There is real pleasure in having time for these things, especially after years of fitting them around work. Sometimes the best part is simply being able to stay a little longer.

Still, I know how easily the old habit of measuring a day by achievement can follow us into retirement. Even relaxation can acquire a job description. A walk must improve our fitness. Reading must teach us something. We can become remarkably industrious about having time off.

Research offers a useful way of thinking about enjoyment and fulfilment. In four studies published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, Veronika Huta and Richard Ryan examined activities pursued for pleasure and comfort, and those pursued to develop and express the best in ourselves. Enjoyment was more closely associated with positive feelings and carefreeness, while the latter pursuits were more closely associated with meaning. Both were associated with a sense of vitality.

These studies were not specifically about retirement, but I find the distinction helpful. Feeling good and feeling that something matters can each add to our lives. And they can happen within the same activity.

We don’t have to justify an enjoyable afternoon by finding a deeper meaning in it. Equally, we can enjoy ourselves and still recognise a wish for more direction.

I need purpose to give me momentum

This is something I have come to understand about myself. I enjoy having choices, but I also need purpose. In fact, I find that goals give me the drive to turn an intention into something I actually do.

A recent example was training for Around the Bay in a Day in Melbourne. I already enjoyed riding my bike, but having an event to prepare for gave me an extra incentive. There was something ahead of me, a reason to make time for riding and to keep preparing.

That goal fitted with something I value: my physical wellbeing. Keeping active matters to me, and the event gave that broader intention a practical focus. It connected something enjoyable with something I wanted to work towards.

For me, that is where purpose becomes useful. It gives momentum to an interest. I can think, “I’d like to ride more,” but having something to prepare for helps me give that wish a place in my week.

There is research behind the importance of choosing goals that fit us. In three longitudinal studies, Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot found that people whose goals reflected their own interests and core values put more sustained effort into pursuing them and were more likely to achieve them. Achieving those goals was also linked with greater wellbeing benefits. Again, this was not research specifically on retirees, but it offers a useful perspective on why our reasons for choosing a goal matter.

I recognise that in my cycling. Physical wellbeing was already important to me. Training gave me a way to act on that value, with a goal that I had chosen for myself.

Someone else’s source of momentum might be learning enough Spanish to have a conversation on their next trip, growing vegetables through a season or helping organise a community event. What interests me is the connection between something we care about and something we can begin doing.

Our children matter, and so does the life we are building

My three sons live in Asia. We are close, but our everyday lives happen in different places. Being their mother remains an important part of who I am, even though it no longer organises my days in the way it once did.

That makes it important for me to build a satisfying life where I am. Writing and creating courses give me things to think about and develop. Movement, friendships and quieter pleasures have their place too.

Families living nearby will have different arrangements. There may be regular meals together, grandchildren to care for or adult children who need support. Family life can bring both enjoyment and a deep sense of purpose. It can also sit alongside other interests that deserve our attention.

I think this is a conversation we can keep having with ourselves as circumstances change. What do I want to be available for? What would I like time to develop? What am I curious about now?

There is room to remain a loving, involved parent while discovering more about the person we are becoming.

The balance can change as we go

A former colleague helped bring this home to me. After retiring from demanding work, she travelled extensively and loved it. After about 18 months, however, she began to miss having another source of purpose. I wrote more about her experience in A fulfilling retirement needs both pleasure and purpose.

What stayed with me was her willingness to reconsider what she needed. She had enjoyed the freedom she had planned for. As time went on, she discovered she wanted something else alongside it.

I suspect many of us will make similar discoveries. After a particularly demanding period, rest may be what we most want. Later, an interest might begin asking for more attention. We might find ourselves wanting to learn, contribute or prepare for something that stretches us a little.

Goals can change with our capacity and circumstances. They can be modest, and we can reconsider them. For me, their value lies in giving something I care about enough attention to see where it might lead.

When I look at the week ahead now, I want room for things I enjoy and things that give me direction. Sometimes that means writing. Sometimes it means getting on my bike with something to train for. Sometimes it means leaving an afternoon free.

The people I love are still very much part of that picture. Alongside them, there is a life I am continuing to discover and shape.

What would you like to give a little more of yourself to now?

The post When your children are grown and work is behind you, a fulfilling life needs both pleasure and purpose appeared first on The Artful Parent.

Moments like this can make you curious about the grandparent bond. In 2021, researchers at Emory University compared how grandmothers’ brains responded to photographs of their grandchildren and familiar adults.

What the Emory study found

In a 2021 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, James Rilling and colleagues used fMRI to scan 50 grandmothers. Each had a biological grandchild aged 3 to 12. Women with several eligible grandchildren chose the one they felt closest to.

They viewed photographs of that grandchild, an unfamiliar child, a familiar adult, and an unfamiliar adult, while trying to share the pictured person’s emotions. The familiar adult was usually the grandchild’s parent, sometimes another relative. In 32 cases, it was the grandmother’s biological child.

Grandchild photographs prompted stronger responses in regions associated with emotional empathy and movement than familiar-adult photographs. Familiar-adult photographs prompted stronger responses in several other regions, including one associated with understanding others’ perspectives. In Emory’s account, Rilling suggested emotional empathy may help explain grandmothers’ responses to grandchildren.

The scans captured present-day responses to photographs. They couldn’t show how these women responded to their children years earlier, or measure how much they loved anyone. The sample skewed toward healthy, highly involved grandmothers. Grandfathers weren’t studied.

The seven habits below are suggestions from our editorial team. The experiment didn’t test them. Pick one that fits your family and the time you have together.

1. Do something with your hands together

Some of the best grandparent time is side by side, making something. A painting at the kitchen table. A fort in the living room. Cookies that come out lopsided.

Put a few crayons and a sheet of paper on the kitchen table and ask, “What shall we make?” Ten minutes can be enough for a picture and a conversation.

2. Let their feelings land before you fix them

Your grandson’s tower falls over and he’s furious. Your first instinct might be to rebuild it for him, fast.

Try naming it first: “Oh no. You worked so hard on that.” Sometimes that’s all a child needs before they start building again on their own.

Then give them a moment. If they still want help, ask, “Shall I hold the bottom while you build?” They get to decide whether to try again or take a break.

3. Notice when their upset becomes yours

The flip side of feeling a grandchild’s distress is that it can be hard to sit through. A crying grandchild at bedtime can make you want to give in on the third story, the extra cookie, the rule their parents set.

It helps to notice that pull. A calm “I know, it’s hard. It’s still bedtime” can comfort a child and respect their parents’ rules at the same time.

If you find yourself regularly undoing the parents’ decisions because the tears are too hard to watch, that’s worth talking about with the parents, kindly and privately.

4. Let them teach you something

Your granddaughter knows the names of 40 dinosaurs. Your grandson can beat you at a video game you’ve never heard of.

Asking them to show you how something works turns the usual roles around. They get to be the expert, and you get to see what lights them up.

“How did you figure that out?” is a question most children are happy to answer at length.

5. Try to understand their parents, too

Raising young children is often exhausting, and parents may be making choices you don’t fully understand: about screens, food, sleep, or school. Before offering an opinion, try asking, “How’s this week been for you?” and listening to the answer.

A grandparent who understands the parents’ pressures is often easier for those parents to lean on.

6. Ask how you can help, instead of guessing

Offer something you can comfortably manage and check whether it would help. “I can take the kids Saturday morning until noon. Would that give you some time for what you need to do?” Or ask, “Would you like company while you get dinner ready?”

If the answer is “Not right now,” you can say, “Okay, let me know another time.” Agree on any food, sleep, or other routines before a visit so everyone knows what to expect.

7. Keep one small ritual

A Thursday trip to the library. A video call every Sunday at five. The same silly song every time you say goodbye.

Rituals don’t have to be elaborate. Their value is in repeating. A child knows it’s coming, and you both get something to look forward to.

If you live far away, try a postcard every month or a shared drawing you each add to by mail. For video calls, agree on a time that works with the family’s routines and follow the child’s interest. A quick look at their latest drawing might be plenty for that day.

Where to start

You don’t need a brain scan to know how you feel about your grandchildren. And not every grandparent feels the same rush, especially at first or from a distance. Bonds grow with time and attention.

Pick one habit this week. Get out the paints, ask a question about dinosaurs, or call their parents just to ask how they’re doing.

The post Most people assume grandmothers respond to their grandchildren the way they respond to their own grown children, but when Emory researchers scanned the brains of 50 grandmothers the pattern was different, and these 7 habits make the most of that bond appeared first on The Artful Parent.

It’s easy to reach for the word “spoiled” in a moment like that. The word can cover very different experiences. Maybe the adults around you often made exceptions when you pushed back. Maybe they stepped in so quickly that you rarely got to try a difficult task yourself. A child can get plenty of affection and treats and still have clear limits and responsibilities.

The situations below can have plenty of other explanations, too. An awkward reaction at work tells you very little about someone’s childhood. If a scene reminds you of yourself or your family, use it to think about what might help the next time it happens.

1. Taking a routine refusal personally

Back to the coworker and his Friday off. It’s fair to be disappointed. The extra step is checking what the refusal actually means before deciding how to respond.

If the issue is that the shift is already short, try, “Is there another Friday that works?” There are times when a decision deserves to be challenged. A routine scheduling conflict may just need a different date.

2. Asking someone else to take over a problem

The heating still isn’t fixed, and a woman calls her mother to ask her to phone the property manager. If her mother used to make the difficult calls, it makes sense that she’d turn to her again.

Her mother can still help. “Want to practice what you’ll say? I can listen while you try it.” They can jot down when the heating stopped working and what to ask for. Her daughter can make the call with those notes in front of her.

3. Quitting as soon as the novelty wears off

Five weeks into guitar lessons, the new guitar is still on its stand. Practicing the same two bars until they sound right is a lot less exciting than picking out the instrument was.

Before deciding whether to give it up, try making the next session smaller. Set a timer for five minutes and work on just those two bars. You can still decide the guitar isn’t for you. A smaller practice session gives you a chance to see whether the tedious part gets easier.

4. Counting on financial help before asking

A couple finds a wedding venue they love and starts planning around money they assume one set of parents will contribute. The parents haven’t been asked yet.

Families can choose to help each other with big expenses. The important part is having the conversation before committing to a plan that depends on the money. “We’d love to book this venue. Would you be comfortable contributing? It’s okay if you can’t.” Then give them time to answer and have a plan you can afford either way.

5. Putting off an everyday task you never learned

The first utility bill arrives at a new apartment. If someone else has always dealt with the bills, even figuring out where to start can feel awkward.

Ask someone to sit with you while you find the due date and payment instructions. Go through the steps yourself, then put a reminder in your calendar for next time. You can learn one task at a time without making a judgment about how far along you should be.

6. Explaining a mistake before acknowledging it

You arrive late to a friend’s birthday dinner with three reasons ready: the traffic, the parking, and the work call that ran over. All three might be true. Your friend still waited.

Start there. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I should have texted when I knew I’d be late.” If the explanation matters, you can give it after you’ve acknowledged what happened.

7. Treating someone else’s boundary as a negotiation

Your friend says she can’t help you move on Saturday. You were counting on her, and you’re tempted to ask whether she could come for just an hour.

Try taking her answer as given. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll figure out another way.” You can feel disappointed and still give your friend room to decide what she can do.

8. Making a shared plan before checking what works for others

You pick a date for a family dinner, tell everyone to come at six, and get frustrated when your sister says she’s working. It’s easy to mistake a plan that works for you for one that’s already settled.

Start with an invitation. “Saturday works for me. What works for you?” Give people a chance to reply before making the booking. The same person who would happily cook for everyone can still get into the habit of deciding for everyone.

One thing to try this week

Pick a situation you can picture coming up again. If you usually explain first, try leading with the apology. If you tend to jump in when your adult child calls for help, ask what would be useful: “Want me to listen, or do you want to talk through what to do next?” Start with the kind of help they ask for and give them time to take the next step.

The post People who were spoiled as children often display these behaviors as adults appeared first on The Artful Parent.

“Hang on, sweetheart,” you say, picking it up. “I just need to answer this.”

The dinner table is one of the few places many families are all together at once, even if it’s only for twenty minutes, and even if it’s a Tuesday night pasta and not a Sunday roast. What gets said there can shape how those twenty minutes feel.

Close families say all kinds of things at dinner, and nobody’s table is perfect. These are eight phrases worth noticing, and what you might try instead.

1. “Hang on, I just need to answer this.”

Back to the lizard story. By the time you’ve answered the email, your daughter has gone back to her pasta. The story’s over.

Sometimes the call really can’t wait. You might be on call for work, or waiting to hear from a sick parent. But if the phone comes out most nights, it can start to feel like whatever’s on the screen comes first.

A simple fix is to leave it in another room. If you can’t, say so up front: “I’m waiting on a call from Grandma’s doctor, so I might have to step away.” Then everyone knows it’s the exception.

2. “Your teacher emailed me today.”

The missing homework. The note about talking in class. The math test.

These conversations matter, and some of them need to happen. But when dinner becomes the place where problems get raised, a child can start to dread sitting down.

Try waiting for a quieter moment. Later, while the two of you are clearing plates, you might say, “I got a note from your teacher. Can you tell me what happened?” The conversation still happens, just without an audience.

3. “Your brother finished his already.”

It might be meant as encouragement, a nudge to keep eating. To the child hearing it, it can sound like a contest they’re losing.

The same goes for comparisons about grades, chores, or manners. “Why can’t you sit still like your sister?” puts one child on display and makes the other the example, which isn’t easy for either of them.

If a comparison slips out, you can catch it right there: “Sorry, I shouldn’t have compared you two.” Then let the meal move on.

4. “Not now, I’ve had a long day.”

Your son starts telling you about the video game level he finally beat. You’re exhausted, and you cut him off before he’s really begun.

Parents are allowed to be tired. Some evenings you don’t have the energy for a twelve-minute recap of a video game. But “not now” can land as “not interested,” especially if it happens often.

You can be honest about your energy without shutting the door: “I want to hear this. Can you give me five minutes to sit down first?” Then come back and ask him about it.

5. “This is dry again.”

Comments about the food can sound like small talk. But when one adult criticizes the meal another adult cooked, the kids are watching how the people in the family talk to each other.

The same goes for a child’s attempt at helping. The salad they made with too much dressing, or the lopsided pancakes from Saturday morning.

At the table, you can leave the review out: “Thanks for making dinner. Could you pass the sauce?” Any notes on the recipe can wait.

6. “That’s a ridiculous idea.”

Your twelve-year-old announces she’s going to be a professional YouTuber. Or that the family should get a goat. Or that school should start at noon.

Dinner is one of the places kids try out their thoughts out loud. If ideas get laughed off, some children stop sharing them.

You don’t have to agree. You can ask a question instead: “Where would the goat live?” Sometimes the follow-up questions do more than any argument could.

7. “We don’t talk about that at the table.”

Your son asks why Grandpa is in the hospital. Or what happened in the news story he overheard. Or why his friend’s parents are getting divorced.

Some topics really aren’t right for a group meal, especially with younger siblings listening. But “we don’t talk about that” can teach a child that some questions are off-limits altogether.

Try: “That’s a good question. Let’s talk about it after dinner, just you and me.” Then make sure you do.

8. “Are you sure you need seconds?”

A comment about how much someone is eating can feel like gentle guidance. To a child, especially one who’s already self-conscious, it can feel like a comment about their body, said in front of everyone.

If you have real concerns about a child’s eating or health, that’s a private conversation, and one worth having with their doctor. At the table, it’s enough to say, “There’s more if you’re still hungry,” and let the meal be a meal.

Where to start

Most families will recognize a few of these. They slip out when everyone’s tired and hungry, which is often exactly when dinner happens.

Pick one to notice this week. And if one slips out, a quick repair is enough: “Sorry, I cut you off earlier. Tell me the rest of the lizard story.”

The post 8 things parents of close-knit families never say at the dinner table appeared first on The Artful Parent.