The Audacious Wife

Final post.

2012-01-08T08:00:00.000-06:00

The Audacious Wife won't be posting anymore. Find out why, here:

"If there is one thing that I don't want for this blog..."

Modest Monday: Keep that away from me

2011-11-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

In the busyness of life, it's good to remember that we are people with interests and a personality! But most importantly that *who we are* reflects what God has made.

Modest Mondays is the funny, the calm, the dirty of our lives. So, stop being so modest and let's talk about it!

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What are you allergic to?

Poison. Oak.

That stuff will take over my entire body! When I was younger, I missed an entire month of school because of it. Sucks!

Okay, your turn.

Modest Monday: Closet

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000-06:00

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Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?

Okay, this one is a big deal for me! I have to have my closet door closed to sleep. It doesn't have anything to do with the "closet monster" or anything. It's just a weird tendency of mine. Along with many others. Ha!

Okay, your turn.

Modest Monday: Said and done

2011-10-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

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When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

You know, unfortunately, it's taken me a long time to really own "me". So, there is plenty that I've said I would do, I would be, I would say... but in all actuality, I would never do it, because it wasn't who I was in the first place.

It was just me trying to figure out if those things might be me.

There's something about being yourself that makes doing what you say you're going to do a whole lot easier.

Okay, your turn.

Circles never end.

2011-10-12T18:20:00.000-05:00

I don't believe in ghosts.

But sometimes the past can feel so haunting, right? It tells us what we can and can't do. Why we have become who we are today. And we just go in circles.

Every time we think we'll chase a dream, we revisit "that one time" and decide that it can hold off for another day. Or even worse, we say it's just never going to happen.

This isn't life. This isn't why we're here.

Stop visiting the past and chase that one thing that your thoughts go to when they have time to ponder. It really all comes down to this one question...

What would you be willing to attempt if you knew you could not fail?

Modest Monday: Go-to website

2011-10-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

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What is your favorite go-to website when you're bored?

Let me just tell you... I LOVE me some Pinterest.com! If you haven't heard of it, I promise you want to join!

Okay, your turn.

Just keep growing.

2011-10-04T12:51:00.000-05:00

You know. Starting to write again is already harder than I thought it would be.

When I first started this blog, I had so much to say. I was able to get deep down into my gut and drag out those feelings that I never would have acknowledged otherwise.

But now. Now I just feel wordless.

This keeps repeating inside my head. "Why can't I think of anything to say? Have I lost it?"

I don't want this to feel forced. I want it to be seemless.

But now I remember just the other day when I made the decision to be persistent with writing again, it was impulse to go back to the very beginning and read through my past posts.

I started out laughing, because I was shocked at how ridiculous I was as a writer. There was no rhythm to my words. No reason for certain sentences.

But toward the middle of my reading, I began to start thinking things like, "Man. That was really good!" And, "I wrote that?"

So, I'm holding on to the theory that this is just going to take some practice again. Writing is an art. And I don't think you can ever perfect it really. It's always a growing part of culture.

It's always a growing part of me.

Pinky's up!

2011-10-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Alright.

I've been gone for quite some time now. Too long.

There are many things in my life right now that can easily distract. Easily take over. Easily keep me away from doing the things I love.

Well, I love to write. It makes me happy. And I don't ever want to not have that kind of happiness in my life for no reason at all, except that I don't make time for it.

So, here I am. Writing away and stuff. But also starting fresh. I have given "The Audacious Wife" an overhaul and I'm hoping to keep this part of me a consistency in my life. I want to write at least twice a week and have "Modest Monday" at least twice a month.

I think that's a reasonable goal.

As always, this blog is for unraveling me for me. To temporarily pause and actualize what's going on around me.

But if I can, I like to bring others along with me. You. The ones who read and also find rest here.

So, let's all make this promise. Pinky promise.

"I will not lose the unique parts of myself that refresh me ."

There. Now we've said it and you can't break a pinky promise.

Modest Monday: Birth Order

2011-08-01T08:00:00.003-05:00

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Do you think birth order makes a difference in your personality?

They say that according to the order of your birth, you will naturally have certain personality traits. Here are a few of those traits for each birth order:

First Born: Natural leaders, decision makers, unselfish, caring by nature.

Middle Born: Peace keepers, people pleasers, attention getters, lack of confidence.

Last Born: Smart, mature for their age, spoiled, hard-headed.

Only Child: Decision makers, spoiled, attention getters, independent.

I am a first born, but I also don't think it's always the case with everyone.

Okay, your turn.

Secure enough to be still.

2011-07-30T08:00:00.005-05:00

Still.

Oh, how I want to be still. To know how it trusts. To feel it's lack of holding things on it's shoulders.

So untroubled and unbothered. It stands strong. It's a master of joy.

It's secure.

Not in itself; but in the power that is much more immune to what we let bind us.

Worry. Annoyances. Grief. Love. Tasks.

If we want to be still, we must first know what it takes to be. Being still isn't being fearless.

It's so untroubled, so unbothered, because it knows it must trust. It must let down the things it keeps on it's shoulders.

To stand strong, you first have to stand.
To master joy, you first have to learn to live with it.

Then you will be secure. Not in yourself; but in the power of Christ.

Then you will be still.

Kristofer Voorhees.

2011-07-21T02:01:00.000-05:00

I have talked to Kris twice in my entire life. We just became friends on FB 2 days ago.

The first encounter I had with him was him taking photos of the gorilla mascot that was with me and my friend. For some reason, I remembered his name from the first time we met. That's how we became Facebook friends when I saw him at Riverside Perk 2 days ago. He said he would send me the pictures he took of the gorilla.

For only knowing him in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have lost such an amazing person.

There are so many questions I wanted to ask him. So many conversations I wanted to have.

Life is so quick. Every encounter matters.

The amount of impact from someone can change you forever.

I would still love to see those gorilla photos. Mostly to know more about him. Mostly to remember the first time we met.

Modest Monday: Getting the job done

2011-06-06T08:00:00.003-05:00

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Do you work best with plenty of time to work or under pressure?

I love to work under pressure! There's something about it that forces my mind to work and gets things done. But... the environment I work under forces me to work ahead of time. Which is a good thing! It's putting discipline in my life and making me seek God more for the answers and not my own. I find it's giving God more time to work in me and accomplish what He wants created.

Okay, your turn.

Modest Monday: Morning or night

2011-05-30T08:00:00.001-05:00

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When are you most alert, morning or night?

I am definitely a night person! The morning is painful... you have to get out of bed... it's just not right.

Okay, your turn.

Unqualified.

2011-05-28T13:37:00.000-05:00

Faith requires you to be...

Unqualified.
Incapable.
Bloodstained.
Unchoosable.
Disabled.
Neglected.
Overlooked.
Damaged.
Exhausted.
Dull.
Stupid.
Powerless.
Unhealthy.
Weak.
~~Speechless.~~
Abandoned.
Old.
?Questionable.?
Plain.
Homeless.
~~Strange.~~
Obscure.
Unnoticed.
Abused.

You don't necessarily have to be all of those things at once, but faith requires at least one. And at least one of these things is holding you back.

It's your excuse.
It's making you want to quit.
It's not adding up.

But if faith requires it, you must embrace it and go. It's not your unqualified quality that's keeping you.

It's you.

Modest Monday: Desert

2011-05-16T20:00:00.002-05:00

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If you could put together the perfect mixture of ice cream and candy for desert, what would it be?

I don't know how many of you have an "Orange Leaf" where you live, but in Wichita, we do. You may have your own version of one. Orange Leaf is a frozen yogurt shop where you serve yourself. You pick your favorite frosen yogurt flavor (or 2, or 3, or...) and then you top it with however many toppings you desire from the topping buffet! Delightful...

My favorite combo is the snickerdoodle frozen yogurt with cookie dough topping! It sounds simpler, but it tastes like the most amazing desert ever to enter your mouth!

Okay, your turn.

Modest Monday: Double-edged sword

2011-05-09T08:00:00.002-05:00

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What's that one thing about you that is a double-edged sword?

My faith! I actually have the gift of faith. Faith in God, that is.... but I have absolutely no faith in myself.

I wish I could remove that part of me that doubts what God can do through me. I have HUGE faith when it comes to believing that God can do all things. But when it comes to Him doing it through me... I can't see it happening most times.

I always feel like I'll trip and break everything that was planned for me. It's a good thing I'm so naive to do what I know I've clearly heard from Him. Otherwise, God would never get anything done through this girl.

Okay, your turn.

Oh, mother, how I love you.

2011-05-07T08:00:00.010-05:00

As Mother's Day draws near, I can only hear one song playing through my head...

Say, say, oh enemy
Come out and fight with me
Bring out your bulldogs three
Climb up my crab apple tree
Slide down my razor blade
Into my dungeon door
And we'll be jolly enemies
Forevermore, more, more, more, more

This is one of the songs my mom used to sing to me as a little girl. As I roll on the floor laughing, I can't help but think she's the reason why I have a little bit of a dark side to me.

Oh, mother, how I love you!

Don't forget to tell your mom she's awesome tomorrow!

Modest Monday: A clean home

2011-05-02T14:40:00.001-05:00

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Okay. Here's the very first Modest Monday post ever! So, let's make it count.

How many days a week are you able to clean your home?

This is a hard one to admit. No one wants to think of themselves as not "clean enough" - let alone wanting others to think that. But this is about honesty, so...

My home gets cleaned usually 30 minutes to an hour before people come over. Don't judge me. Church planting is busy. I barely have time to put my makeup on anymore.

So, I don't have the time to clean my home as much as I would like. It happens.

Okay, your turn.

BookSneeze Review: The Sacred Journey

2011-04-24T08:00:00.014-05:00

[So... I had this post pre-scheduled, not realizing it was scheduled for Easter! My bad. Book reviews are not what's on my heart on Easter day. Promise.]

The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster is a part of a book series. Foster invites us to remember the practice of pilgrimage. It is on the spiritual journey and a true connection with God with lots of facts and big words...

For me... I hate to say it... an extremely boring read.

It was a very difficult read. I had a hard time staying focused and not drifting off to daydream with every page. I know that the issue mainly lies with me. It wasn't that Foster wrote a completely useless book. It's just that I'm a simple girl. I like simple words. I like simple meanings.

I love “deep”. But I still want the “deep” to be simple. I don't want to have to stop and wonder what on earth I just read after every sentence.

I mean, there's a difference in digging deeper into the meaning of a sentence and trying to figure out what the sentence even meant in the first place.

I would say that Foster wrote a good book for those who like a lot of facts and information with their read. It's just that I get way too distracted for a book that is so “smart” that I can't keep up with it.

It's not for me. Maybe it's for you?

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Amen.

2011-04-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

God is in control.
God is in control.
God is in control.
God is in control.

Amen.

Just get me to a stall.

2011-04-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I begin to lose my sanity before I can ever catch up to myself.

Life gets so fast-moving. So involved. So overbearing.

Go, go, go... keep going... and again, go.

I'm habitually too slow to accept that I needed to stop. And breathe. A. Long. Time. Ago.

Almost always, when I finally gain consciousness from the immeasureable lifestyle that I hold myself to, I'm in a situation where all I have is one place to go. And.

I don't know if you know this, but...

Bathroom stalls are great places to cry in secret.

It's quiet there.
It's secluded.
I'm sealed away.
I'm alone.

And it feels so good.

Too many times I mistake taking a break for weakness. I think, "If I take off now, what will happen to the rest of my team?" "What if I fall behind?" "Will people think I'm being lazy?"

The bathroom stall will probably always be my friend to some extent. But I don't want to wait until I'm so anxious that the only thing I have to get me alone is a bathroom stall.

There has to be some depth to my "alone time". Like standards, for example. My alone time at this point has no standards. It just allows itself to be pushed aside. It beats itself up and devalues it's worth.

My standards for "alone time" can no longer be wittled down to a toilet behind a closed door. It has to grab onto the benefit that comes from seeing itself as a beautiful thing. Because that's exactly what it is.

Taking time alone is refreshing.
Intangible.
Sacred.
And so it shall be.

Although, I do still enjoy the privacy of a bathroom stall.

Treasure in fragile clay jars.

2011-03-25T19:55:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how fast Papa moves when you ask. Just as soon as I posted yesterday's blog, I had many people respond to tell me they were praying for me.

Through their prayers, He moved and answered.

It was this morning and 2 Corinthians 4:1 (NLT).

"Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way [ministry],we never give up."

Everything I was a slave to seemed unusual. The air shifted to a thick fog and I could feel every muscle become apprehensive. I felt disturbed.

Disturbed because I had given myself a reason to think I am incapable of doing what the Father has given to me to do.

Anxiety overwhelms me every time I think about planning the worship arts ministry for Audacity Church. My feet turn cold and I can't breathe.

I can't piece together a reason that Jesus sees me as valuable and a fair choice to lead something so intimate as worship.

I mean, He's not just asking me to give Him worship, because I can do that! But I'm to lead an entire team to know that real worship is in Spirit and Truth, and for us to show that to the rest of the people who are craving something so real with God.

That's deep. That's BIG.

2 Corinthians 4 goes on to say that "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."

I have to begin to know that I am nothing and He is everything. I say I believe that all the time, but I have yet to see myself actually rely on it.

It's by His grace that He gave me this ministry to take on. And although I can easily break like a fragile clay jar, there is a treasure in me that proves God is powerful.

It proves why I should never give up.

Psst! Your secrets are showing.

2011-03-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not a good liar.

Not so much because I'm incapable of outsmarting someone, but because the guilt gnaws on my lips so much that it begins to show. That's a good thing, I guess.

But there are times when I really, really want to lie.

That's sounds so crude (and it is!). But somehow I know I'm not alone in this.

For example, I know I'm not the only one who goes months feeling empty and paralyzed, because I haven't trusted my Father enough to carry me through.

I know I'm not the only one who wishes I weren't so hungry for my relationship with Jesus to be deeper, yet I'm the one who is purposely depriving myself.

I know I'm not the only one who just wants to abandon everything I promised I would do for God and just live life the easy way.

Those are the times I want to lie straight through me teeth. I would never want anyone to actually know those things about me. In those times, I just want to pretend to keep my status. I want to fake myself through the day and pray for those who ask, but never ask for prayer for me...

Why does that seem logical in my mind to become so putrid in those times?

I allow myself to spoil in the sun...
I mold...
And the smell is rancid...

It's then that it shows. All of my secrets. Everything I tried to hide. It falls slowly out of my mouth like a baby that never quits drooling.

It's always going to show. Those words locked behind the teeth you tightly seal.

Why not ask for prayer today? Start with someone you trust the most. And so will I.

A tree.

2011-03-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

There is a song that says this...

"It was hard
to organize the peace
when everyone raised their arms
to kill the Son.
It was hard
to be transparent like trees
with feet and hands bound to limbs
the worst of sin to be."

...and it got me thinking.

If even the stones along the road would burst into cheers (Luke 19:40), then what was it like for the tree that day?

I mean, did it feel honor to be the prop that held the God-Man that died for the sins of the world? Did it weep for it's Creator? Did it feel horror as the splatter of the spit from the crowd landed on the surface of Jesus' skin?

I know, a tree is a tree. But I think about these kind of things. And I can't help but wonder if the tree knew and felt it's purpose that day...

Do you ever think about things like this?

I'm so human.

2011-03-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

"Of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or having the nature of people: human frailty."

That is the first definition listed for the word "human". It stuck out to me that it pointed to human frailty as "the nature of people."

Even the dictionary knows it.

Most people don't describe humans as being frail, liable to yield to temptation, morally weak. Most people would say that humans are strong, have it all together, to each their own morals.

Yet, it's spelled out right there in the dictionary.

I am so human.

I'm constantly falling to my weaknesses. I'm constantly making excuses for my morals.

I'm not a bad person, by any means. But I'm not a good person.

I'm really good at faking it, though. It's so easy. If I just keep my thoughts to myself, I'm a great person.

But that doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't.

If I were to wake up and find out that for a full day my thoughts would be audible for everyone to hear, I would be ruined. People would soon know exactly what I struggle with and how I try to deal with those struggles. Or not deal.

When things in my life are going downhill, it's usually because I'm not spending enough time with Papa. It's usually because I'm trying to go through my day without God's navigation. It's usually because I've become consumed with what I want to change in me over what All Knowing sees in me.

I hate that. Ugh, it's so ridiculously lame.

But Jesus died for human frailty. My human frailty.

I'm human and God loves me. That's where it's at.