I’m not one to make New Year’s Resolutions. In fact, they are often stated to set out correcting something in one’s life that they actually have no intention to correct in the first place! That being said, this will be as close to a New Year’s Resolution as you’ll ever get from me: to experience more gaming for the pure fun that it brings.

Not that gaming isn’t fun, you understand, but I’ve got into bad habits; buying multiple games, online or retail, but never playing through them. Or even worse, starting a game, then jumping ship to something else, seemingly never to return. Rinse and repeat, and that sums up my gaming for the last 2 years.

So, I took a long look on my shelf of Xbox games, and instead of trying to choose but always defaulting to FIFA 12, I decided to take on each title I have started but not finished, in alphabetical order. Nothing like a bit of OCD to mix things up, eh?

The first of these titles was Bayonetta. Released 2 years ago, it was touted as a very early Game Of The Year candidate at the time. Forgive me for using technical language, but it is a fucking brilliant game. I can’t recall a game that is so easy to pick up and play, yet has so much depth to it. Lists of combos are displayed on the loading screens, with the opportunity to try them out, too – but such is the depth of Bayonetta, you can create combos of your own, and be rewarded for their effectiveness.

Probably the briefest way to describe the game is Devil May Cry on speed, but it is so much more than that. The range and variety of combos, weapons and accessories is unprecedented, the levels are beautifully rendered, particularly the European-style buildings, which reflect the fictional setting of the game, the European city of Vigrid. The action itself is incredibly fluid and fast, particularly in battles, where even though there is a lot going off, it all runs in high-resolution. It just looks incredible.

I’ll be honest, when I first picked up the game during 2010, at first I could see the similarities with Devil May Cry, and both DMC and Bayonetta were directed by Hideki Kamiya. As I got to grips with it, my initial thoughts were that it was merely more of the same but with better graphics, better combat and less repetition. Plodding through the first few chapters, I didn’t really know what was going on. It was fun, and became more challenging as it progressed. I died a fair few times, so it was put down, with the intention of finishing it when i could be bothered.

When I picked it back up just a week or so ago, It really hit me how much damn fun it is. The story, often told in either cut scenes or speech accompanied by movie reel stills, is fantastical yet engrossing, with some plot twists to keep it fresh and involving. Bayonetta also has many cool odes to Sega (the game’s publisher) moments, such as collecting gold rings for destroying enemies, and one of the chapters is an incredible homage to Space Harrier that just has to be experienced. Even the ending of the game knows how much fun you’ve had, and that you didn’t want it to end. I’m even toying with starting it all over again already.

So, this is the first of my solo-gaming exploits for 2012, with quite a few more to come. Next up, it’s Bioshock 2…

Video games – along with science fiction TV shows – have long captivated nerds and provided a temporary escape from reality for geeky dudes who can vicariously live another life. Some devoted gamers will often discuss their favourite stories and characters (online, obviously) and begin to play out “what-if” scenarios:

What if Agent Mulder never returned to The X-Files and Agent Scully began an affair with Assistant Director Skinner? What if Captain Kirk had never met Spock? What if Buffy the Vampire Slayer found true love in a demon? Or a sweaty dude with a kick ass WoW character?

It was during one of these flights of fancy that somebody thought “hey, I bet I could write this story! I am perfectly placed to continue the narrative the real writers never wanted to see.” And lo, Fan Fiction was born.

For those unfamiliar with the term ‘Fan Fiction’, the Urban Dictionary defines it as:

fanfiction

n.

A piece of fiction within a fandom utilizing characters and situations from a pre-existing work including (but not limited to) books, television programs, films, and comic strips.

Straightforward enough, right? People become so inspired by the characters within their favourite shows or video games, that they want to expand on that universe and have other folks read it. It’s a bit like an internet-only version of the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Written by virgins.

A later Urban Dictionary definition goes on to say:

Most [fanfics] are written by an obsessed fan who invents a character that’s supposed to be like him/her, only 10 times prettier, smarter, and stronger who falls in love with whoever the fan has a crush on. Many of them have poor grammar, thin plots, and bad spelling. But there are a few with original ideas, great storylines, and interesting fancharacters writen by creative writers. These ones are worth reading.

With the imminent release of Bioware’s conclusion to their sprawling Sci-Fi epic Mass Effect 3, I figured now would be the perfect time to go hunting for some Fan Fiction featuring Shepard and the gang. With such a rich blend of history, characters and locations, I was sure that Mass Effect Fan Fiction would be full of “original ideas, great storylines, and interesting fancharacters written by creative writers.” THESE WILL BE WORTH READING! I thought.

I was wrong.

Welcome to—Mass Effect! Aw Crap!

by justcallmeEJ

Ok, so you can see why this one first intrigued me. The title alone practically screams Saved By The Bell-type antics are sure to follow, and if there’s one thing I’m a sucker for, it’s early-90s screwball comedy. Reading on, it became immediately apparent that I was to be throroughly disappointed:

Chapter 1: Meet the Family

Summary: A 14 year old girl and her 16 year old brother ends up in her favourite videogame and must learn to defend themselves against the harsh natures of the universe.

Follow them as they finds friends, their true family and… Love..? O.O

Wait, does she mean like, incest? Okay, maybe this could be interesting.

Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect in any way.

EJ: Not even for an hour?

Random Lawyer: NO!

EJ: Awwwww! … How about a minute?

Lawyer: No!

EJ: Dammit! ….. A second?

Al: NO! NOW START THE STORY!

OR DON’T. I don’t even know what to make of this, I mean… what is this? You’re a writer, you’re arguing with an imaginary lawyer, the lawyer is ‘random’, the ‘random lawyer’ wants you to start the story? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, EJ?

The story opens with an un-named character in the midst of an attack, uh, by someone, on… something. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because we then discover it was all a dream, and ‘EJ’ falls out of bed or something and goes to have breakfast with her family.

EJ’s family are all brunettes which makes her feel bad because she has curly, blonde hair. This leads to her being called ‘Curly’, because – did I mention this? She has curly blonde hair. Oh, and “the fact that I tend to impersonate Curly Howard (from the 3 Stooges) whenever I’m trying to be ‘silly’. Mom’s words not mine! I swear!”

She is never referred to as ‘Curly’ ever again.

So EJ heads off to ‘EB’ to see if they’re taking pre-orders on Mass Effect 3, which, assuming ‘EB’ is a video game store, you’d fucking hope so. Being the well-adjusted teen that EJ is, she elects to listen to the suicide mission theme from the ME2 soundtrack on the way. Somewhere along the road, EJ and her brother, Al, run into a weird glowing box, and being the effortlessly responsible teenage kids driving a car that they are, they touch it and end up in Mass Effect for some reason.

“Congratulations blondie!” Al remarked sarcastically. “You probably almost killed yourself today and- Where the hell are we?” The last part was filled in confusion. We immediately looked around to see that we were in an abandoned ally that had metal walls and floors instead of bricks and concrete. There were pieces of paper littering the floor and the lights were dimmed red. It reminded me of Omega from Mass Effect 2.

Oh, ok. I guess EJ says it reminded her of Mass Effect 2.

“I have no idea.” I said, “But if I had to guess, I would say that we are in an alleyway in Omega. You know, from Mass Effect 2?”

YEAH, I DO!

Al and EJ visit Aria at the Afterlife club and tell her that THEY HAVE NO PARENTS, because apparently that’s what 14 year old kids do when confronted on an alien planet. Oh, and then they get a free apartment and spend the next two years learning how to fight. EJ helpfully explains the changes she and her brother have gone through:

I won’t lie, my brother is better than me when it comes to brute force and weapon training (and developed a shoot first ask questions later habit because of it), but I had more stamina, speed, and stealth than him. While Al would attack enemies in the front lines, I would silently kill them from the shadows. Giving the reason why we have completely different attire.

On Omega, males and females wear different clothes based on how they kill their prey.

Taking some time out here, for just one second, I’m going to be honest with you; I don’t know what this story is supposed to be about. There’s some stuff about Shepard recruiting the kids for the Illusive Man during the ‘Quarantine’ mission to recruit Mordin in Mass Effect 2, but apart from that, it’s mostly descriptions like this:

“Well look at you.” He said gesturing his hands at me, “Ever since you started training your body became toned and slimmed, your hair is blond (probably the only blond haired human in Omega), you have a cute face and a big heart. Al and I have to scare all the men away from you.”

That’s a Batarian describing a 16 year old white girl.

Now, this story isn’t actually finished. That’s right, ten chapters in and this chick still doesn’t know when to give up. If you ever find out what happens, please don’t ever contact me.

Luckily for us, there’s more than enough fan fiction out there to keep us going in the meantime, like this next sack of crap.

I just want something to go right

by InaYasha

This is the basic story of Mass Effect 2, only with a, uh, slight twist:

“Garrus are you alright?” she asked as she watched him slightly relax.

“I’ve been better Shepard” he spoke as Shepard nodded and readied her pistol.

“Hey Garrus” She said.

“Yeah?”

“Loser gives the other a back rub” Shepard gave a cheeky smile with a fire in her eyes as Garrus smiled back and reloaded his rifle.

If you weren’t accustomed to the idea of human women having sex with weird alien dudes, you’re about to be.

she held his mandible under his visor as he reached for his sniper rifle.

Eeeeewwwww.

As they sat in the rover Garrus checked on Shepard, he looked at her head and eyes. But Shepard kept on seeing two Garrus’s (well two of everything) but she didn’t complain, she kept on thinking what it would be like having two Garrus’s round her…

EEEEEEWWWWWW.

“Turians based on dextrose-amino acids could cause anaphylactic shock…so don’t…ingest” Mordin covered his mouth as Shepard’s face turned scarlet. A lump formed in her throat as she listened, she wanted him to stop but he kept on explaining about how Turian skin might feel against hers. She felt like she wanted to scream that everything about sex was new to her.

ARGH!

This story is an ambitious attempt to re-tell the story of Mass Effect 2 without allowing the bubbling sexual tension between Shepard and Garrus to boil over. Evidently, it fails miserably, because everyone that writes fan fiction is a tortured sexual deviant, and has only seen boobs on the internet. On character sprites.

Jane’s Christmas

by ShadowSoulN7

Good ol’ Commander Jane Shepard has had a tough couple of years, what with dying, being reconstructed and saving the galaxy twice, so Hell, when Christmas rolls around you bet your ass she’s bustin’ out the high heels and getting blasted with Liara.

When it was time for some of them to leave, Jane snagged Liara by the arm and grinned.

“Nope. I want you up in my cabin. Ash told me how you reacted when I died. I’m sorry you had to suffer. But I’m back and I still love you. Don’t forget the night after I helped you with old Broker.” she whispered. Liara smiled.

“Of course. ” Liara replied and let Jane lead her up to the cabin after the elevator was empty and Jane had said good-bye and handed out cards. A tradition, she explained.

“I loved the party.” Liara complimented.

“Of course.” Jane giggled and took off her boots.

“Thanks for the gift too. I owe you.” the Asari added.

“Have something in mind?” Jane questioned, smiling.

“If I know you, yes.” Liara replied. Jane looked at her. She understood. Perfectly.

“All right.” she said, giving Liara a kiss.

“Happy holidays.” Liara managed before her eyes went black. “Embrace eternity.” she added. Jane grinned and felt her dress get unzipped. It fell to the floor and soon the two women were on the bed. Jane’s eyes were closed and her lips on Liara. Her party was great and her gift was great. The day had been exactly what she had wanted and more.

Truly purfect. she thought.

Oh, did you think I meant that Shepard and Liara hit the club for some dancing? No, they have sex. Everyone has sex in Mass Effect. If Mass Effect 3 isn’t one giant orgy after all of this, somebody is gonna die for it.

Down With the Ship

by Fil

With a title like that, I think we can all guess where this is going. Not content with pimping female Shepard’s out to aliens, ‘Down With the Ship’ gives a little more insight into the character of Kelly, the Normandy’s uh, secretary, I guess. And we all know that where secretary’s are concerned, a sexy time is only a flirtatious remark away.

Kelly was excited to have been called to Commander Shepard’s cabin. The Commander was a good-looking man, and Kelly hoped to get a very good look at him, the sooner, the better.

But when she opened the door, she received two disappointments. One was that the Commander had a picture of an asari on his desk. The other was that he was fully dressed, with a stack of papers in front of him. He looked ready for work, not play.

Aw, man! Why is the Commander of a spaceship and crew of hundreds, on a mission to save the universe, more concerned with work instead of what Kelly might look like in ass-less chaps? Luckily, it turns out that Mordin has been writing some – INCEPTION ALERT – fanfic of his own, and boy did we have that guy all wrong:

“Doctor,” Miranda pants, hair disheveled, bosom heaving. “What is wrong with us?”

Heroic scientist consults datapad. “Pollen indigenous to planet. Reacts with human receptors. Triggers mating behaviours.”

Jack, angry: “We’re in heat? Like varren?”

“Precisely.”

Miranda, groaning, begs for cure. Only one to offer.

Moments later, it arrives.

“Commander Shepard here to help you ladies.”

Jack scowls. “One of him. Two of us.” Arousal is so intense it is painful. Own fingers do not satisfy.

Scientist smiles. “Learn to share.” Turns on omnitool. Records. For science.

Yep. Not only is Mordin writing about his fellow crew members having sex, but he’s encouraging it, like some kind of space-dogger. Oh, and don’t think he’s only concerned with the females on board:

“This isn’t right. I’m a cop. You’re a hired killer.”

Thane grins. “Ex-cop now.” He bends over, exposing anus. “If you feel bad—walk away.”

Garrus cannot walk away. Grabs drell’s hips, enters him on swift thrust. “I’m addicted.” Licks Thane’s sweat, hopes to dream of better days—days before Archangel fell.

Krios whispers, “You’re no angel any more.”

JESUS. When reading, you often forget that there is an author’s voice behind this stuff. Sure, this is actually supposed to be an amusing little story about a mucky scientist, but when you read passages like this…

Tali throws back head, screaming in pleasure. His fingers in her suit, in her body. She cries. Should not do this. Should not do this with human. Especially not human who cleans toilets, wipes sh*t from walls. Fingers, touching sh*t, now inside her. She loves it in spite of this.

…you suddenly realise that a multi-player option is Mass Effect 3 is probably a really, really bad idea.

Slave t o hate

by Spencer Daniel

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘you spelled the title wrong, dumbass’. Normally, you’d be correct. But you’ve read the other stories here.

‘Slave t o hate’ is set before the events of the Mass Effect games, and concerns itself with a violent, racist Turian named… Gavin. The author warns us that ‘[t]his story will deal with a lot of mature issues and is going to be very graphic hope fully you will enjoy the character; I plan on created the protagonist that is hated by the readers.’ Well, I think he’s succeeded in one of those aims, see if you can guess which. Mr. Daniel intones that ‘all criticisms are welcome positive or negative’, but also ‘please if you do not approve or are not open minded move on.’ So if you think this is crap (it is) GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, BUDDY. WE DON’T LIKE YOUR KIND.

Hey, that’s kind of like the character in the story, who, if you hadn’t already guessed, is a real asshole:

“You have nothing to offer me human; go fetch the owner for me “Gavin said with a sneer. The waitress frowned and left the two turians at the bar and headed up stairs to the casino. Karris looked over to his brother “please, Gav the war is over let us just enjoy ourselves” Gavin did not answer and Karris got up and left.

Doran the owner of Flux came down to meet Gavin “Anything I can help you with, sir”? Gavin ignored him at first then said “I am waiting for the owner” Doran repeated his question Gavin realized that Doran was the owner and said very plainly “You realize that there is not one turian in this establishment besides myself don’t you “Doran looked around and said “Sir I am extremely busy is there anything that you need that I may assist you with”?

“Your human female has insulted me I want her fired”, Gavin answered

Excusing the terrible grammar on display here (let’s give the guy a break, he’s foreign or something), I actually kind of like the fact that this character is a total dick. It would have been fun to see him interact with the characters we’re all familiar with, flipping everyone off and basically just being an intergalactic badass. Mr. Daniel had other ideas though, I guess.

Karris wanted to object but he knew it was for the best. He knew that Gavin blamed the war and ultimately the humans for their father’s death. After Gavin heard that his father had died he left the military and moved to the citadel he drank himself into a depression that he could never come out of. He watched his brother walk till he reached a transit pod then Karris made his way home regretting not being strong enough to stand up to his brother.

Woah, this is actually kind of deep. Considering these characters are completely original, I’m impressed that the guy didn’t just opt to copy any of the blueprints laid out in games, and instead decided that, you know what? He was gonna carve his very own character arc for this guy, helping we, the readers, to explore the background of what life must have been like for those Turians affected by the war, and their attitude towards the humans they blame for their suffering.

Gavin a lonely turian veteran returns home to his small apartment in the citadel wards from a failed attempt at being social and showers his sorrows, his hate, and his pain away his ritual of returning to his home his cage his prison.

He enters his kitchen and grabs a bottle of his strongest drink and turns the bottle up. He walks into his living area and watches old vids of his father with his brother and him. His father had died in the battle for Shanxi and was dearly missed by Gavin. The vid showed his father teaching Karris Gavin’s younger brother how to repair a damaged rover, Gavin wished he and his brother could have a better relationship but it seems that whenever he is around Karris he is reminded of his father. He fell asleep in a chair with the vids playing the soft light created dramatic shadows in his apartment like demons attacking him in his sleep while the laughter of his family mocks his pain.

This is completely unexpected! I’m actually beginning to understand this haggard old alien. Who would have thought fan fiction could be so rich, so rewarding? Maybe I had this genre all wrong…

Late in the evening, a Quarian named Rita (these names are incredible, right?) begs Gavin to let her stay as she’s poor and stuff. In an incredible twist, Gavin actually allows the beggar to sleep on the couch, and heads off to bed, only to catch the little rat robbing him blind. Clearly, Gavin is not the kind of guy to put up with this kind of crap, so he slings her out on her a… oh, no wait he brutally murders her:

Gavin became excited at the pleas for mercy he was tired of being upset he was tired of being powerless he didn’t want to kill her but he couldn’t stop himself he pulled the blade out of the kneeling qurian and slit her throat and she struggled on the floor unable to scream, he held her down to minimize the noise and to keep her from knocking anything over finally she stopped moving.

Okay, so the story just took a dark turn. Maybe now Gavin will reassess his life, realise that he can’t keep living with so much hate in his life… maybe, maybe even turn himself in?

Gavin woke up the next day covered in blood on his couch with his vids playing bottles lie all around him. He jumped up and hurried to his bed room to examine the qurian. To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.

To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.

To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

He couldn’t believe his eyes had he done this there was no way he would get away with this. This wasn’t self defense this was a sick massacre and he knew that there was no way to talk himself out of this one sure the occasional altercation with a human could be understood but this. He was losing it he needed to keep this a secret. What could he do? He then realized there was only one thing he could do.

What could it be?! Confide in his brother, the one person he knew deep down loved him and could help him come to terms with this awful crime?

He got in the shower.

Mass Effect 3 will be released on 9th March for Xbox 360, PS3 and PC.

Since that time, Mistwalker have developed a range of titles, for different platforms, and their next release will be The Last Story for the Nintendo Wii, releasing 24^th February in Europe. This will be Sakaguchi’s first title as director since Final Fantasy V, way back in 1992. He has also enlisted the immense talent that is Nobou Uematsu, who also left Square in 2004. Uematsu has composed the score’s for all their games so far. Let’s take a look at what has been, and what to expect in the future.

Mistwalker initially signed up with Microsoft to produce Xbox 360 exclusive titles, of which there are two: Blue Dragon and Lost Odyssey. Blue Dragon in particular helped boost sales of the Xbox 360 in Japan, at the time of its release (2006).

“Microsoft sold 35,343 Xbox 360s – an increase of nearly 90 per cent over the previous week’s figure of just over 4000 consoles. It’s likely that the rise was linked to the release of Blue Dragon, which was developed by Mistwalker, the studio led by Final Fantasy creator Hironobu Sakaguchi.”
– Ellie Gibson, Blue Dragon release boosts Xbox 360 sales in Japan, GamesIndustry.biz

Blue Dragon is as traditional a JRPG as you’ll ever come across. A group of heroes set about to save their land from an evil ruler, traversing a massive world and using turn-based combat to defeat foes along the way. This may well be deemed old-fashioned in the western world of gaming, but it certainly still has its fans, including myself. Blue Dragon was one of the first 3D RPGs released for this generation of consoles. It boasted the unique art style of Akira Toriyama, creator of manga series Dragon Ball and whose style is also used on video game series Dragon Quest.

Party of Five, anyone?

The game itself is indeed very long. This was the first multi-disc Xbox 360 game released, encompassing the whole adventure on 3 discs. In my opinion, although I’m still making my way through it slowly but surely, it’s JRPG-by-numbers, but still enjoyable because I knew to expect that. There were some good touches. For example, the battles are not the often-loathed ‘random’ battles from past Final Fantasy games, but instead are induced or avoided by engaging/escaping the enemies on screen. Hitting them first also gives you the first hit once a battle is initiated. Blue Dragon is nothing new, but that does it no harm at all.

Mistwalker’s next big release was Lost Odyssey, again for the Xbox 360. Boasting incredible visuals, this 4-disc epic is still a favourite among many an RPG fan, both east and west. For those waiting for their Final Fantasy fix at the time (that never came), this more than filled the gap. While there have always been varied opinions of Final Fantasy XIII, Lost Odyssey still sits firmly on my gaming shelf where Final Fantasy XIII fell off, never to be touched again. Lost Odyssey may have reverted back to random battles, but the battle trigger system (pressing within a time frame to land extra hits) is superior to Blue Dragon’s old school ‘press A and wait’ system, providing more interaction and more reward for doing so.

The story and characters are excellent, providing moments of danger, fear, action, even comedy, and giving the gamer a great sense of empathy to boot. You really feel you are following the journey that Kaim, the lead character, is taking, and will be as determined as he is to find out about his past.

Following on from the success Blue Dragon brought (more so in Japan than here), a franchise was born. An anime series was created, and 2 sequels were also developed, this time for the Nintendo DS. The first was the unimaginatively titled Blue Dragon Plus. This entrant to the series was billed as a real-time simulation RPG – much more like Final Fantasy XII – and retains the Toriyama-style visuals that define the series. Blue Dragon Awakened Shadow soon followed also, continuing the real-time strategy experience, and adopting Dragon Quest IX’s route of allowing creation/customisation of your own lead character.

Following the Nintendo DS releases, Mistwalker stayed with Nintendo, culminating in the production of The Last Story. It may also prove to be the Nintendo Wii’s swansong RPG, with the impending release of the Wii U console. It looks fantastic, and is a release I was hoping for since it was announced nearly 2 years ago.

Since that time, The Last Story has been on release in Japan for around a year now, and was long thought to be only fit for the Japanese market.

“With all the conversions, when we do it in Europe we’ve got to do the whole of Europe,” Nintendo UK boss David Yarnton told Eurogamer. “So it’s multiple languages. It has to be viable.”

Thankfully, the game is viable for Europe. Considering how well Monolith Soft’s JRPG Xenoblade Chronicles has done on the Wii, The Last Story is certainly marketable. Like Xenoblade, it is a console exclusive. Details are still forthcoming, with no European version reviews emerging just yet, but UK magazine Edge did review a Japanese copy, which even for them is usually unheard of. From what reviews I have read, The Last Story is promising to be the most cinematic game the console has seen, with full voice acting throughout, beautiful cut scenes, and a narrative packed with action, romance and betrayal.

It also promises to have a game length that is more flexible; unlike most JRPGs that last 60 hours plus, the main story is around the 20-30 hour mark, but, should you choose to complete side quests, this can easily double that. This, along with co-operative AND multiplayer deathmatch modes, Mistwalker are certainly trying to innovate the JRPG, more so than Final Fantasy XIII ever could, in my opinion. This could indeed be Sakaguchi setting the trend once again, as he did with the original Final Fantasy all those years ago.

The Last Story will be released only on Nintendo Wii in the UK and Europe, on February 24^th.

The cephalopods stared back at me from the screen, their cute eyes begging to be loved from beneath their rather bizarre hats. Hats! I grasped onto this new found glimmer of hope with grim determination. Surely, any game that features interchangeable hats which bestow great power upon their soon-to-be-calamari owner can’t be all bad?

It was only after an hour of joyful squid flinging that I realised the truth. This was no empty shell of a carbon copy. Beyond the need to pull them back on their little, gorgeous, elasticated limbs and fling them across a top-down, 2 dimensional map there were no similarities at all. Full of character, pizazz and – possibly, somewhere – jazz hands, this was gem of a game. Taking a turn based strategy game and making it into something far more action orientated is a mild stroke of genius, while making some of the characters look like cowboys or fat boy American footballers is merely the result of a mild stroke.

Tasked with telling their tale via the medium of the iPhone I embarked upon a journey that featured gorgeous static imagery between battles, stilted conversation that never really hit the mark and devious, dastardly opponents hell bent on my destruction. Countless skirmishes were lost in quick succession, the difficulty ramping up considerably well before the half way mark. Strangely, it wasn’t due to the enemies’ cunning AI or masterful skills. More often than not they just sit there until you come close enough to get bumped. No, my own ineptitude at aiming and firing squid across a screen that features traps and devices designed to hurt my little friends greatly scuppered me more than once.

But, oh, the bumping! It’s all about that here – speed, distance and hat contributing to the amount of damage my multiple-legged friends would deal to the opponents as they searched for salvation. With a variety of skills between them, such as healers, sharp shooters, double movements and whirlpool attacks, it soon became an orgy of calamari as I fought my way to the finish line.

Reaching that finish line soon became most difficult and I had to turn to my dear departed Grandfather and head some old advice he gave me to succeed. You see, during the Great War he and his squad had found themselves caught amongst a spiders web of enemy troops. Ambushed, alone and scared he hunkered down in the only defensible spot he could find, the cries of his injured and dying comrades the soundtrack to his despair. After a couple of hours he grew tired of this and decided to break through enemy lines, get re-enforcements and come back to rescue his friends. Out of ammo and time, he strapped 2 bayonets to his helmet and charged into the darkness, the flashes and reports of rifle fire his only company.

2 hours later he emerged at base camp, head caked in blood and the injured forms of 4 soldiers on his shoulders. When asked how he’d broken the enemy and rescued them single-handedly, all he could do was undo the chin strap and say “Always wear the right hat for the job”. It’s our family motto now.

Having changed things about with my little sucker legged friends I sent them back into battle time after time, new hats and abilities growing as we vanquished our foes. It lent such a charming edge to proceedings that I found myself lost in this alternative universe for quite some time.

It is then that, with great affection, I can recommend you assist these little lovelies on their adventure as well. There’s something wonderfully endearing about them and the challenges they face, while the game itself is bite-sized enough to lend itself perfectly to the platform. I can do nothing but recommend you invest yourself in it immediately.

Squids is out now on iOS 3.2 or greater for £1.49. See more artwork and screenshots from Squids in our Facebook gallery

Instead of hoppers of scantily protected chocolate buttons and fizzy snakes there are three skill trees: Might (big swords), Sorcery (flashy spells) and Finesse (sneakystabby). You can invest heavily in to one tree or spread yourself liberally across two, or if you’re feeling indecisive… all three. Then KoA:Reckoning adds further Pick & Mix goodness with the introduction of Destinies. These are bonuses based on how many points you have in each tree. Destiny Cards, like the skill trees, can be based on a variety of class combinations so there’s plenty to experiment with. You can find more about the skills of Reckoning in Debbie’s previous interview with systems designer Will Miller.

Moving further into this increasingly tortured metaphor, we have the sour cola bottles and white chocolate mice, or loot. Equipment flows fast and with lots of particle effects and there’s a pleasing variety of weapons, even for the pansy spell-casters amongst us. Borrowing from the “green is good, blue is better, purple is bestest” school of design makes it reasonably simple to kit yourself but you can run in to problems if you’ve spread skill points across all talent trees. Top level stuff tends to have point requirements in specific talents.

Gameplay is a good mix of exploring, combat and RPG stalwarts like crafting. The world feels big; not Skyrim big but nor are you being led from one side quest to another and to be honest, having spent many hours trekking up mountains only to realise I’m in the wrong bloody Skyrim place, it’s a relief to have a little bit of the “on rails” feeling. Combat is fluid and good control mapping means you can easily swap between a primary and secondary weapon whilst flinging spells and trying to dodge. The greater the combination of your abilities used in each fight the more Fate you earn. As the pool fills up (think mini experience bar) you get closer to being able to unleash the mother of all quick-time events.  Fateshifting turns you in to a big purple angel of death and allows you to take down multiple enemies sharpish, earning extra bonuses if you tap the correct button like a person possessed.

So, that “All You Can Eat” buffet I mentioned – KoA: Reckoning not only lets you combine a mix of skills but once you get bored of them, encourages you to go back for a different helping. No more soul-crushing moments as you realise the talents you’ve chosen are as satisfying as nouvelle cuisine. Head for a settlement with a Fateweaver and pay to have everything wiped clean, I started out as a bad-ass Mage and after fifteen hours had reset myself four times and ended up completing the game as a Rogue. Same goes for the Crafting skills; get bored of being a top level Alchemist and just swap to something else for a while.

Sadly, into every tub of sweets some grubby fingers must fall and the game isn’t perfect. I didn’t have any major technical bugs but there were quite a few cut-scene tears and slightly odd enemy behaviour. NPC’s would just stand in the middle of the combat field without engaging. Whilst I appreciated the pick-pocketing opportunity, it seemed a little amateur for such a massive game. My only other big gripe is the storyline; yes it made sense and yes it gave me a few moments of “oooooh” but it was just tinged a little too much with fantasy-flavoured cheesiness for me.

Slightly odd characters aside this is a beautiful, varied and absorbing release from 38 Studios and Big Huge Games. Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning is easy to immerse yourself in and a welcome change from the gritty fantasy of games like the Elder Scrolls series. Once you start you’ll want to scoff the whole bloody lot in one sitting and will likely emerge Monday morning with feelings of shameful remorse at your gluttony. Happily this guilt will swiftly pass and you’ll be left with warm, fuzzy feelings as you remember just how much you enjoyed yourself.

Catherine is two games, kind of. It’s actually more like a game and a selection of things that feel a bit like they’re almost a game. For as much as it paints itself as a dating sim, that really is secondary to a more prominent puzzle system that involves moving assorted blocks around so that you can climb further up massive towers. In Catherine you control Vincent, an early-thirty-something in a relationship with Katherine (with a K!). She’s concerned that they aren’t moving forward and is looking for more commitment, but he’s overly self-absorbed, clinging on to his fleeting adolescence and peaceful bachelorhood. After a night of drinking, Vincent inadvertently ends up in bed with Catherine (without a K!) and begins having a series of horrible nightmares wherein, obviously, he’s a part-human-part-sheep scaling walls of movable crates.

From here the game takes on three parts. During the day you’ll be treated to cutscenes that further expand on Vincent’s relationships with the two girls. In the evening, Vincent goes out to a bar to drink and chat with other people that are experiencing the same nightmares. After you turn in to sleep you play through a few challenging block puzzles.

Catherine’s narrative is absolutely detached from the gameplay in a way that seems almost inexcusable after Portal so effortlessly blends story into the playable sections. The disconnection makes both parts seem like they’re the least important part of the product. The story seems as if it’s getting in the way of a game being a game; the game seems as if it’s getting in the way of a narrative being delivered like an anime series. Atlus could, in theory, have released these halves entirely separate and we would have never considered they were once part of the same licence.

On occasion during sections in the bar or between puzzle stages, you’ll be given totally binary options that govern how you’ll react to different characters or odder choices about your own relationship hang-ups. Some of this is interesting as the game will often show a graph of what other people said in reaction to the same question. This interactivity is novel, but is awful in some sections. As much as you (and by extension, Vincent) make decisions about what to do with Catherine’s interruption into your life, this isn’t reflected in his attitude toward her. You could be entirely cold and uninterested and she’ll still be a part of the story until the end. This makes your choices seem meaningless throughout and even your ending might not reflect the direction the narrative has been propelling toward.

Unfortunately, as it’d be much easier for me to explain, it’s difficult to call any part of Catherine particularly bad. Certainly in some cases it’s unenjoyable, but there’s always a saving grace. The block puzzles get a little tiresome and frustrating – perhaps as a result of being jackhammered into the middle of the story as if they’re work you have to complete before reaching the good part – but they’re deep and interesting enough to take pleasure in. The story sections are too small a part of the whole experience and your input far is too minimal. Still, the supporting cast are layered enough to be compelling and you’ll be interested to see how the plot progresses.

If Catherine is anything, it’s a step forward for games using relationships in a more adult way. Catherine definitely is a game for adults, not just in the sense that there’s some extreme violence and almost constant alcohol abuse, but it’s really one of the first mainstream titles to put growing up and finding your place in life as the core struggle. If it were a more cohesive package, one that paid more attention to either of the ideas it sets up, this would be an amazing title. It just doesn’t excel enough at any one thing.

It all seemed too good to be true, and as we began to find out more about Sony’s marketing strategy, the costs began to rise. Rumours that the Vita had little to zero internal memory were confirmed by Sony, and that they would be releasing a proprietary memory cards which you would need to buy in order to do pretty much anything on the handheld. Alarm bells started to ring, as proprietary usually means ten times the cost of its market equivalent. With the 32GB memory card priced at $119.99, the rose-tinted glasses began to slip, this £230 bargain was quickly becoming a £300+ investment.

This is a scary prospect, not only because of the recent massive price-drop Nintendo has given the 3DS, but also because the current generation of home consoles is not much more expensive than the largest Vita memory card. As I just noted, I was one of the people who bought a 3DS day-one and I was deeply disappointed by the quick drop in price, lack of software support, and sudden back-tracking by Nintendo. As an apology I have been given 20 old games I don’t play while other people can pay less than half of what I did for the console. I’d rather have the £100 in my pocket Nintendo! Now Nintendo have also realised that a second analogue stick is a necessity, and have released a gargantuan peripheral called the Circle Pad Pro, in order to compensate those who have the first-generation 3DS. (I predict the next iteration is right around the corner.)

As you can probably tell, I have been hurt by my experiences with the 3DS and that is having an effect on my Vita contemplation. Of course there will be the inevitable price-cut/second generation hardware, this doesn’t bother me, but in years gone by, this would be at least a year after the initial release.

Now, it is happening within the first three months, or few weeks if you look at the Vita’s Japanese launch, where sales have continued to plummet, forcing retailers to lower the price of the console by as much as 20%, according to a GamesRadar report discussed in IGN.

If you just read all of the above, you would probably think I hate the Vita. Our very own Richard Gwilliam also discussed the troubles Vita could have in a diminishing market of dedicated handheld gaming when smartphones and tablets are becoming the big-sellers. But the reason why I am having this debate is that I think the Vita is a phenomenal console. Having the chance to spend some time with it, and play some of the amazing launch games made me realise how much I want one.

There is nothing inherent about the console itself that makes me not want to buy it. It’s merely the logistics. £300 is a lot of money. Based on the 3DS and Japanese sales, the price will probably drop within the first 3 months, and I’d be paying way more than I should for a memory card. But what it comes down to in the end is that I love games. The Vita certainly has them in spades. I’ve always wanted a console-like experience on the go, and that’s the Vita’s home run swing. I want two analogue sticks, Vita has them. Plus with the innovative front and back touch controls, there is the potential for a wider marketplace which could offer everything from blockbuster titles to 69p apps.

It is a big investment, but I’m am such a weak-willed person that even if I avoided the release-day urge, it probably wouldn’t be long before I went out and bought one. So, today, I pre-ordered my Vita, as well as an overpriced memory card, and Little Deviants, which I thoroughly enjoyed in the little time I spent with it.

I’ll make sure to keep you posted on my thoughts on the Vita once I’ve spent time with it, and if anyone else has pre-ordered a Vita, let me know what your impressions are of the console once you’ve tried it for yourself.

In short, the game is very much a Total War style of game, with lots of storytelling and decision-making elements thrown in for good measure. I must admit, I’m not the most ardent fan of the Total War series, but I can see their appeal and much of the design ethos is present here in the King Arthur II prologue.

As for the “role-playing” side of things, the game kicks off with a narrative device, much like an old school “choose your own adventure” experience, complete with potentially weighty decisions to make from the outset. Although the dialogue is dripping with over-acting, it works somewhat, and reinforces the idea that this is more than just a slow-paced wargame.

The rest of the setting, historical fiction mixed with fantasy elements, really works for me and gives a strong foundation for what would otherwise be a run-of-the-mill high fantasy setting with dragons, trolls and other fantasy tropes. I particularly like the game’s take on the Roman occupation of Britain being the source for the Arthurian legend. It may be wishful thinking on my part, but I get a small sense of a Game of Thrones vibe, with Hadrian’s wall being envisaged as an enormous magical wall hundreds of feet high, and the Picts beyond the wall possessing of something a good deal more sinister perhaps than their real world counterparts.

Although the battles are the characteristically plodding, sluggish tactical affairs, I am intrigued by the mash up of role-playing elements which frame the battles. There are senatorial debates, shifting allegiances, provinces in decline and new powers rising. Indeed, there seems to be a lot happening in the epic world of King Arthur II: The Role-playing Wargame.

King Arthur II is out now on PC.

Screenshots

SoulCalibur V sees the long-running series undergo a serious makeover to the core gameplay. The major changes centre around the new Critical Gauge meter. Most of the moves you do consume some of your Critical Gauge: Critical Edge moves, the game’s flashy super moves, cost one bar of the gauge, while Brave Edge attacks power up regular attacks and cost half a bar. Even counters come at the expense of your Critical Gauge. Traditional parrying has been removed from SoulCalibur V, and replaced with a new Guard Impact system, which requires a sacrifice you to sacrifice half your Critical Gauge to deflect an enemy’s attack, allowing you to turn the tide of a match.

I could talk endlessly about the ins-and-outs of the new combat system but the important thing to note is that even in what is the most mechanically complex SoulCalibur in the series, there isn’t a decent tutorial mode to help explain all of these details to new players. The training mode offers character move lists and a brief explanation of tactics, but nothing like explaining the actual inputs themselves, or telling you when your timing’s off.

Despite the lack of a decent explanation for newcomers, the game is still fantastic no matter your skill level. Each match is intense and thrilling, with fast-paced action taking place in stunning arenas and supported by a beautiful soundtrack. Matches feel absolutely epic. The new Critical Edge moves really add something special to not only the gameplay, but also the presentation, allowing you to see the game’s detail up close in a series of quick, cinema-esque camera shots. The focus on block-counter-attack as opposed to all-out attack means matches can go down to the wire, and with all the tools at your disposal, you rarely feel completely overwhelmed.

Sadly, there is a lack of variety in the matches themselves. While there is a good amount of game modes, with Arcade, Story, Legendary Souls as well as online and an offline mode that replicates the online experience, there is nothing that adds something different to fights.

Where games like Mortal Kombat and even SoulCalibur IV excelled was in the different types of fights they offered. Some fights gave characters 50% health, poisoned, or even an inability to block. None of these are present here. The lack of fight variation is disappointing and would have been a nice twist to the already great fighting.

SoulCalibur has taken a leaf out of Street Fighter IV’s book by including a reward system for everything you do in the game. You earn points for every fight you compete in, both online and offline, which increase your overall level, and allow you to unlock different titles and player cards to customise your own playercard, as well as new characters, arenas, and customisation tools.

The large character roster sees a number of new faces, most of which are just slight alterations of older characters. The two brand new characters, Viola and Z.W.E.I (I have no idea what it stands for either), feel fresh and offer something new to the game. Each character feels strong and well balanced. Unlike other fighting games, there don’t seem to be any clear weak-entries on the roster. Ezio Auditore, the latest guest character, is a perfect fit. His move set employs all of the weapons you see in the Assassin’s Creed series, and his backstory slots in well with SoulCalibur lore.

The only filler are a few of the unlockable fighters, who act as copycats, replicating the move-sets of other fighters and changing style between rounds. If you get bored of the roster that Project Soul have provided, you can always make your own in the extensive character creation mode. You can lose hours creating the perfect incarnation of your favourite character in this mode, which is the best seen in the series yet.

Patroklos and Pyrhha, a brother and sister duo, and children of Sophitia, act as the core of the game’s story mode, which is sadly lacking in all areas. Most of the cut-scenes are presented in charcoal-drawn stills on parchment, which is a shame considering this is a graphically stunning game, and it would have been nice to have fully rendered cut-scenes. Considering the story takes place in 17th century Hungary, the voice acting hardly helps create the sense of the setting, and is dull at best. The very odd (and slightly incestuous) relationship between Potroklos and Pyrhha certainly raises an eyebrow at one or two points, and it sounds as though the majority of the male characters were voiced by the same guy. It also doesn’t help that for the first half of the story, Patroklos is an ignorant arsehole, and you not only have to fight as him, but win also. Luckily the disappointing narrative only takes around an hour or two to complete, and doesn’t detract from the fighting.

Online has been fleshed out to cater for all types, including a new Global Colosseo, which allows players to group together in large parties and take part in player matches. Text chat is supported, as well as spectator mode and the ability to upload replays of your fights.

This is a great game. It would have been nice to see more spice in the matches, but the thrilling combat, excellent roster, and stunning presentation make this a worthy purchase for anyone with a taste for fighters.

There’s no target-locking or number-rolling to hit. You have to point at your target to aim your attacks and jump or use the dodge button to avoid theirs. It makes the combat so much more intense and you’ll need some real skill to get good at this game. Find out more about how the combat system feels in my previews from last year playing as an assassin and a sorceress.

We’re giving away a load of access keys for the sneak peek weekend right here. All you need to do is this:

• Leave a comment below with a working email address
• We’ll email you a key
• Register on the European TERA website
• Log in and redeem your key
• Download the client
• Start playing at 2pm GMT on Saturday 4th February

The servers will be open from 2pm to 11pm on both Saturday and Sunday. Get in!

Update: Keys are all gone now. Thanks for entering.