The Baby Mama Chronicles

Deadbeat Dad Would Be Too Much of a Compliment...

2013-07-02T20:47:00.002-07:00

So, I've been debating for the past few days whether or not to turn this into a blog post. I've been trying to focus more on the positive and let negative things go and this particular subject doesn't really flow with that. But I decided I would share this post for the following reasons -

1) I've been wanting to revive my blog and I think this would be the perfect post to kick things off with.
2) I've had several close friends asking me about this particular topic, and this is a good way to answer questions from multiple people at once.
3) It's a good way to document this important conversation. It's easy to forget things over time.
4) I've been trying to open up more to my friends and family, as I've been really really distant with people the last year or so. This will be a good way to do that.
5) If you don't want to read it, you won't. Period. End of story.

So, friends, here ya go. ( I apologize in advance for the novel, but I promise its nothing short of interesting if not disgusting). After over two years, I finally had a face to face conversation with Dominic's sperm donor. Keep in mind, I have not seen this individual since I found out I was pregnant. All of our conversations have taken place via text message and Facebook (minus the one phone call we had before he blocked me and stopped responding).

Over the past two years I've sent a handful of pictures and updates to the sperm donor with absolutely no response whatsoever. I can see via FB message that he reads them but never responds. Keep in mind, I've never once tried to get anything from him financially or pursue a relationship with him. Yet, still, he couldn't find it in him to respond to photos of his own child.

Finally, about six months ago I got sick of being ignored. If he doesn't want to be in Dominic's life I can't do anything to change it but we need to at least talk about Dominic's future face to face like adults, not like 12 years olds on Facebook. He's a fucking human, he deserves more than a Facebook message.

But since he wouldn't respond to me, I decided to take matters into my own hands. This past Christmas I sent Christmas cards and letters to Dominic's paternal grandmother and sister (her mom since shes a child), since they had no idea he even existed and I had no other way of contacting them. I included photos and all my contact information so they could get a hold of me with any questions they had. After waiting weeks and weeks, I got no response. "Hmm, did they get lost in the mail?" I wondered. Surely someone would respond if they just found out they had a brother or grandson, right? Wrong.

When I moved to Utah in May, I decided I would try to stop by sperm donors last known residence with Dominic in tow. He wasn't home, but his mother was. Instead of just leaving, I went back to the door and knocked again and politely said her, "I'm sorry, but do you have any idea who I am?" She said, "No". So I followup with, "This would be Steve's son". She looks at Dominic, says to me "I don't think so." and shuts the door in my face. Wow! Ok then, maybe she never got my letter and was just surprised. Lets give her the benefit of the doubt.

Finally about two weeks ago, I get a Facebook reply from sperm donor himself that says, "We can talk this week like Thursday or Friday. Just us." Hmm, wait, you mean you don't want to see the child you're neglecting face to face? Ok then, I'll agree if that means we can talk like adults.

So I get a sitter for Dominic and write down some questions. I have absolutely no idea what to expect going into this. I was almost certain he wouldn't want to see Dominic at all, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to encounter. I have never, ever, ever in my life encountered someone who is so devoid of emotion. Here's a play by play, complete with the questions and answers I wrote down (I had planned on recording the conversation but got nervous and forgot).

I show up and he's already there. He gets out of his SUV and goes and stands by the side of a building (we met at a Starbucks). We make some small talk about the weather and then he says -

Sperm Donor: "So what's up?"
Me: "Well I don't want to fight. I just think this is a conversation we should have had two years ago. We should have talked about this like adults face to face."
SD: "I guess. I thought I made it pretty clear where I stood from day one. I told you I don't want to be involved. You made the decision to have him when you knew I didn't want a kid. But then you send me pictures and stuff. I thought I made it clear."
Me: Okay then. I understand that. I did make my choice knowing where you stood. But this is a human life we're talking about. My point is we should have talked about it like adults. Anyway, I have some questions. Do you have anything to say or ask me before I go into my questions?"
SD: "Nope not really."
Me: "Ok. So there's no right or wrong answer. Just be honest. Do you not think he's your kid? Is that what the problem is?"
SD: "Umm, I guess there's always a possibility. But no, I've never thought that. I just don't want a kid."
Me: "Ok, so if we did a paternity test to prove it's your son, it wouldn't make a difference?
SD: "No, I told you I don't want a kid."
Me: "But that's irrelevant at this point. I didn't want kids either, but it happened and guess what, he's here now so it turns out we both have a kid. You can hate me if you want for making a choice you don't like, but it's not his fault. He had no choice, don't punish him for a choice I made."
SD: "I know it's not his fault, but I don't want a kid. I don't want it financially, emotionally or just all around. He can hate me if he wants."
Me: "Ok. Then what should I tell him someday when he asks where his dad is?"
SD: "I don't know, tell him whatever you want. Tell him I'm dead if you want."
Me: "It's not my responsibility to make up an excuse. You're the one who doesn't want to be around. What should I tell him?"
SD: "Not to be rude, but I really don't care. Tell him whatever you want."
Me: "Ok then. Well like I said, this is a human life. It's not something that just goes away. There's a fair chance he might want to find you someday and I'm not going to lie to him. What are you going to say to him when he shows up on your doorstep someday?"
SD: "I don't know, that's a long way away. I'll worry about it then."
Me: "Ok, well you also have a daughter. She probably looks up to you right now. If Dominic finds her someday, she'll probably lose a lot of respect for you if she finds out she has a brother that you've been lying to her about her whole life."
SD: "Yeah she probably will. But I don't care. I'll worry about that later."
Me: "Ok, so I'm guessing by now you know I stopped by your house and talked to your mom. Did she know about him before I went there?"
SD: "Yeah she knew. She got your letter."
Me: "Wow, so she also knows she has a grandson with no father and just doesn't care?"
SD: "I can't speak for my mother."
Me: "Is the problem me? Do you think I'm going to make your life difficult in some way if you're involved in Dominic's life?"
SD: "No. It wouldn't matter if it was you or a girl down the street. I don't want to be involved."
Me: "Is there anything I can do that would make you want to stick around so Dominic has a dad?"
SD: "Nope."
Me: "So do you brag to people about ignoring your son?"
SD: "No, I don't brag about it. But people ask me and I tell them that you've sent me pictures and I just don't respond."
Me: "Wow. Ok I have more questions but none of them really matter at this point. I just have one final question. Do you care at all? Any part of you? Do you ever even think about him or how he's doing?"
SD: "No, not really."
Me: " I literally have nothing else to say. I've had an agreement drafted up stating that you don't get any custody or visition. And that you have no legal rights to Dominic. I'll mail it to you. Please sign and return it."
SD: "Blair, you don't need to worry about that. I have no desire to be involved. Like you said, I'm not on the birth certificate and I have no rights anyways."
Me: "I understand that, but I would like to just cover my ass. I never expected you to act this way, so who knows what you'll try to do down the road. Will you just sign it please?"
SD: "Yes. Well then I just have one question for you."
Me: "What's that?"
SD: "Now that we've had our little chat will you never send me another picture, don't contact my family, don't send me updates and if we pass each other on the street just pretend like we're strangers?"
Me: "You got it. After having this conversation, I've realized that if you and your entire family know about Dominic and think it's ok to pretend he doesn't exist, then none of you are the type of people I want my child being around anyway. Best of luck to you."
SD: "You too."

No amount of me explaining this conversation, or repeating what was said will ever do it justice. I wish I hadn't been such a scatterbrain and had recorded it. We could have just as easily been talking about a tree or a door knob for as much emotion as he showed. Literally he showed more emotion when we were talking about the weather. There was a complete and utter lack of compassion, empathy and caring towards Dominic. I do NOT expect the sperm donor to feel sorry for me or apologize to me - he is correct, I made my choice knowing where he stood. I knew I would be doing this alone. But any decent person would feel some type of caring or compassion towards their own son, who never asked for this situation.

It's always shocking when you think you know someone and it turns out they are just a master manipulator. I saw absolutely no recollection of the person I thought I knew during that conversation. I could have had a better, more caring conversation with a hardened criminal from prison. When I think of the term "deadbeat dad" I think of a guy who's not around much or is inconsistent or doesn't pay child support all the time. That term would be a compliment for this uncaring, emotionless person. He couldn't even offer up a "Tell him I'm sorry" when I asked him what I should tell Dominic. Not only does he not think he's wrong, but he almost acts like how dare I send him photos of his own son and that I'm in the wrong because I "knew where he stood."

I expected the end result of Dominic not having a dad. But I did not expect to encounter such a manipulative, cruel person. I did not expect to encounter someone who thought it was "right" to abandon their child simply because I made a choice he didn't like.I did not expect to find out that there's an entire family of people who know about this child and think it's ok to ignore him.

At least now I can say I tried and can move on knowing that I did my best in trying to facilitate a relationship between my son and his father.. But I'm at a complete and utter loss for what I'll say to Dominic when he asks because I can't even think of one good thing to say about this person and there's no way I can paraphrase this conversation without hurting Dominic's feelings. I guess I can just count my lucky stars that he doesn't have to be raised by such uncaring, heartless people. I almost feel more sorry for his daughter who has to grow up knowing these people. I can't even imagine what type of emotional damage they will inflict upon her.

All I can do now is my best with Dominic. Someday, maybe he'll have a father figure he can look up to. And if not, one good parent is a hell of a lot better than two shitty ones!

My Rockstar's First Year...

2012-12-02T16:06:00.003-08:00

Happy happy birthday to my little baby genius! Man, where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was headed to the hospital to embark on my 42 hour long labor. I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined such a beautiful, smart, funny boy with such a big personality. I'm obviously biased, but he does more at a year old than many kids I've seen who are six months or more older than him. He's been walking since 10 months, standing on his own since 7 and a half months, and talking for a couple months now. His favorite words are "hi" and "uh oh". To say he's a character is a serious understatement!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in just a year's time. At times it's unbelievable. I never imagined I would be able to love and sacrifice for one little person so much. I've learned to be more patient and less selfish over the past year. Every now and then traces of the "old Blair" will emerge, but most of the time I don't even recognize the person I've become. But that's not a bad thing. Life is about becoming the best person you can be, right? I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us.

In other news, I finally made it back to Utah! After a year and a half of putting it off, Hurricane Sandy had different plans for me and I took a little detour after my Vegas business trip. It was so great to see everyone and finally make it to see my best friend's grave. Lets just say I'm no longer questioning where I want to move after I leave NY. Utah it is, my friends. That's the one place that always has been and always will be home. Truthfully, that's the first time I've felt like "me" since I left Utah, and I can't wait to get back. But, I've got a few more things in store for NY before that happens...

Business is booming! I can't express how much I love, love, love the new business, all the people I'm working with and everything about it. It's so refreshing to know that I can help change people's lives while bettering my own. And traveling to fun places every few month sure doesn't suck! Vegas was a whole new experience with a baby, but great to get away nonetheless. Who could complain about working while sipping wine under a palm tree? Not this girl. Next stop, San Antonio! Time to break out that cowboy hat...Giddy up! Little man is shaping up to be quite the traveler. 4 states and Niagara falls all by his first birthday - not too shabby.

So what's next? Well, aside from building my empire... Still working on getting back in shape, eating healthier, and focusing on personal development. My biggest goal is to be the best example I can be for Dominic. I heard a quote on my last business trip that really resonated with me. "Children learn what they live, not what you tell them." Time to start being the person I want him to look up to. No excuses. After all, the days go slow but the years sure do go fast. Time to start being the change you want to see TODAY. There are seven days in a week, and not a single one of them is called "someday." ;) ;)

I Don't Go Away That Easily... ;)

2012-10-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

Geez, where to start? I haven't made a "baby mama" blog post since April if I remember correctly. What a crazy six months it's been. New business, a couple kickass business trips, a hilarious, sweet, funny, gorgeous 10 month old baby and a completely new outlook on life later and...here I am :) So first things first...

The little man...

Words can't describe him. To put it simply, he is a handful, a bucket of laughs and the best thing that ever happened to me all rolled into one. The older he gets, the more he looks like me (or so I'm told). Lucky for him, his mama's a looker. As far as advancements go, Dominic now has two bottom teeth, can stand on his own (for about 4 months now), takes steps when he feels like it, eats real human food, says a variety of "human" words (including "ho ho ho") and kisses me when he feels like being nice. That sweet boy is the one thing that gets me up every morning and keeps me going on the toughest days. He makes me proud daily, makes me smile and at times, makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. He's everything I never knew I wanted but couldn't live without..... But that's enough being philosophical and emotional for this girl. Bottom line, I'm such a proud mama. I continually get told what a beautiful and smart baby I have. I know I might be biased, but I've yet to see another kid his age that even comes close to comparing in the looks or brains department. And the other day, he pulled a super sweet karate move when he leaned out of his playhouse window, dove forward, did a front roll Jackie Chan style and started crawling across his playroom. I've never been more proud... or pissed that I didn't have a camera. He's a little ninja in the making.

Business...

Things have come a long way since April! I've managed to triple the revenue for my marketing/PR business, the boutique has pretty much become non-existant (only temporarily) and my new business is taking me places I never thought possible. Over the past few months, I was able to spend time in Orlando, New York City and next stop, Las Vegas! I've been lucky enough to meet amazing likeminded people, reaffirm relationships with existing friends who mean the world to me and get closer to my goals everyday. Maybe things haven't happened exactly the way I planned or hoped for, but I wouldn't change a thing. "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." My mom always used to tell me that, but it's only recently that I understood the significance. I don't think I would even want my life to turn out the way I had always planned. I see how things are now and where they are going and that is so much better than anything I ever could have imagined. Although, knowing a bunch of lawyer lingo would be super fun to throw into everyday conversation (yeah, I wanted to be a lawyer).

It's not easy bouncing back from some of the setbacks I've faced over the past 2 years, but excuses truly are for the weak. My comeback is still a work in progress, but I WILL do whatever it takes to get there. In order to be successful you have to want success more than you want to breath. Anything less is weak and lazy. You don't have to agree with me - many people don't - but truly I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I only have room in my life for likeminded, positive and ambitious people. "You become the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. CHOOSE WISELY!" :) :) I can't stress that enough. And that's all I have to say about that.

My Personal Life...

So I walked into a bar with a male stripper who wore tight pants and walked like a bunny rabbit and tried to read my palms. Kidding. Kinda...Anyway, personal life? Dating? Romance? These sound like foreign words I've never heard of. That's ok - who has time anyway? Not that there's anything wrong with dating, but taking care of Dominic and building my businesses happen to take precedence at the moment. Besides, I just suck at expressing my feelings to begin with. And the dirty, manipulative whores always seem to get the good guy anyway (yeah that was my bitter, 12 year old moment of the day). “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” Meh, maybe when I'm independently wealthy I'll worry myself with finding someone who is suitable and interesting. Although, I do need to start getting out more. Focusing on business 14 hours a day and having full length conversations with a 10 month old baby is enough to drive anyone crazy. Time to start working on that bucket list methinks... Skydiving anyone?

Long story short...I really miss my friends and family in Utah. I never planned to be gone so long and I miss everyone dearly. Quite frankly I'm a little nervous as to what everyone will think of the changes I've made since I left. I guess there's only one way to find out... My best friend, Talese and my step dad, Steve have been a constant staple on my mind these days. The longer time passes, the more real things become and the more I miss them. I just wish I could have one more conversation. But wishing gets me nowhere. Hopefully soon I'll be able to spend more time on the causes that truly matter to me so maybe I can change other peoples lives for the better.

Since I've been 12 years old, I've always been on the fast track to somewhere, I bought my house at 18, was a stock broker by 21, the list goes on- but on the fast track to where exactly? For the first time in my life I can honestly say, I DON'T know exactly what I want, I DON'T know where I want to go or WHO I want to be with. And that's ok. Kinda. I'm on a mission to find out and I may need to make some drastic changes in the process in order to get those answers. Expect some BIG changes to happen soon. Changes that aren't conventional, changes that some people might not like, but are exactly what I need :) Watch out world, because I'm not stopping until I find out what I want and get what I want. Until next time...

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

Back and Better Than Ever!

2012-04-28T19:19:00.002-07:00

Just when I thought life couldn't get any busier...it did! But this busy is a good busy, a busy I could get used to. So I mentioned before about a new business I recently got involved in. Well I'm lovin' it. I never would have predicted getting involved in something like this but in this case the unexpected is definitely a good thing. I'm doing something I like and feel good about and something that can help people. Better yet, it's something I can cross-promote with some of my boutique events. What more can I ask for? I figured out what's been slowing me down all along. I've been tying myself down doing things I don't really care about. I love marketing, but I HATE selling marketing to other businesses. So I'm not doing it anymore. I'm keeping my current clients and taking referrals, but no more proactively finding new customers for the marketing biz. From this point forward I'm focusing on TT's Attic and the "new biz" (If you want to know more about it, you'll have to ask me because explaining it here would just be confusing). Things are definitely looking up. I FINALLY feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. After all this time I've found the missing piece. And that makes working long hours so much more rewarding. Next stop, Orlando and Miami in July! Time to take the TT's Attic fashion show/fundraiser to a bigger and better venue. Watch out Southern Florida - here I come! Oh yeah, and I will be working that long overdue vacation in with that business trip too, damn it!

I don't mean to talk about work 24/7 but I really don't have much of a social life. But that's by choice, not due to lack of opportunities. No need for the pity party some people have tried to throw me. Pity doesn't exist in my vocabulary. And for the record, I have opportunities on a fairly regular basis to go out with friends or on dates, BUT I have an end goal in mind and I really don't want to get distracted. That and when I'm not working, I'd much rather spend time with my little man than out getting drunk or with random men who I may or may not end up liking anyway. If that sounds lame, well, it kinda is. But, I know the end result will be worth it when I can work less, travel more, spend more time with Dominic and spend more time with the friends I know I like spending time with. In the meantime, all work and no play makes Blair a force to be reckoned with! I'm movin' on up to bigger and better things so stay tuned cuz there's no slowing me down now...

What else? Dominic is getting so damn big. He'll be five months old next week - where has the time gone? He's my best little buddy and I'm so proud of him already. He's so smart and funny and has one of the best personalities I've ever seen on a child. I can't bring him anywhere without someone coming up to me and telling me how cute he is. I go out to eat and random people come to my table and tell me how cute he is. At Relay for Life a random girl came up to me and asked if she could take his picture. Talk about awkward, but flattering at the same time. I'm such a lucky mama. Call me selfish, but the older he gets, the more glad I am that I don't have to share him with anyone. At this point I don't think I could do it even if I had to. I never realized how hard it must be for parents who have to send their kids away to the other parent on the weekends. Turns out being a single mom was a total blessing in disguise (for me at least).

I've been thinking about Talese and my step dad Steve a lot lately. I miss them a lot more than usual these days. Perhaps being away from everything and everyone who reminds me of them has started to take a toll on me. That and, no matter how hard I try, I've been hard pressed to find friends or people in general who are as amazing as they were (with the exception of a very select few). It always amazes me how many people are perfectly okay with living lives of mediocrity. I don't mean that to be offensive, it' just the truth. I've learned to just consider myself fortunate to have had them in my life at all because some people are never lucky enough to have people like that in their life. If only more people would take a page from Steve and Talese's book, the world would truly be a better place. Love more, care more about others, forgive more, the whole nine yards...It's never too late to make a change and become a better person. Start today. Just sayin'. "People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on."

This Is How We Do :)

2012-04-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Baby sleeping? Check. Jammies on? Check. Work done? Eh. Work halfway done? Ok, check. Guess that means I can take a break to make a blog post. Things are still looking up despite my child's recent transformation into a teething monster. I have two weeks left with my interns which I'm both happy and sad about. Happy because it's been a great learning experience and I've met some wonderful people with a lot of potential who I hope to keep in touch with. Sad because it's coming to an end and now it's time to reflect on all the progress that has (and hasn't) been made over the past 3 months. The fashion show was a success. I've made a ton of invaluable connections in this area over the past three months. And I've made some positive changes to the marketing firm which will free up some time and likely yield higher returns. On the downside, my signature t-shirt and perfume collections are still a work in progress. Designs are ready but finding a decent manufacturer has been a bit of a chore. Also finding a new web designer has been a task. After having two people unable to finish the project I assigned to them, I've become a wee bit frustrated. And most of all, I'm still in major need of help. Too much to do and not enough time. If only I trusted other people enough to find myself a business partner or two. Ah, well. Overall, not a bad 3 months. Making progress slowly but surely.

And yes, I joined a third business. I'm really excited about this one. No, it doesn't mean I'm giving up my other two businesses (not a chance). But I found a product and company I'm really excited about and a business opportunity I couldn't pass up and jumped on it. Not to mention, I get to work with a team of great people. I think I can really help people with this one. Somehow, with all things considered, it doesn't seem like work at all when you have a great product and great people on your side. If you're interested in finding out how you can become more healthy and potentially put more money in your pocket, talk to me. I won't try to sell you on anything, just educate you and let you make your own decisions :)

In other news, Relay for Life is coming up this Saturday. I was hoping for more of a chance to market the event and get more donations/team members, but it crept up so fast and with all the planning that went into the fashion show I haven't had much time. I created my team in memory of my step dad, Steve, who passed away in 2009. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, miss him and wish that Dominic could meet him. With more events like this, maybe one day I'll make a difference. Please let me know before Saturday if you can spare a donation or would like to join my team - it would mean more to me than you can possibly imagine! "I'd love to change the world, but I don't know what to do..."

I still can't believe I have a 4 month old baby. It amazes me on a daily basis how much personality such a small child can have. I heard Dominic laugh out loud for the first time the other day - it was the cutest thing in the whole world! We took our first trip to the zoo last week and I couldn't believe how alert he was. He was so enthralled by the animals - he especially loved watching the monkeys and fish. I can't wait to take him to the beach this summer. It's little things like this that make me happy these days. One little smile from those chubby cheeks can turn my whole day around. My kid is such a rockstar!

Time For Me To Fly

2012-04-01T21:49:00.001-07:00

*Sigh* Fashion show is over and I can finally breathe again! The event started out a bit rocky but ended up being an overall success. The hotel completely dropped the ball, forgot to build a runway, nearly had a music crisis, gave wrong directions to visitors and were rude to me on top of it all. Suffice it to say, I will never use them again for an event. But near meltdown aside, the rest of the day went off without a hitch. I met so many wonderful people, the models were great and the CNY Chapter of AFSP was so friendly and amazing. Overall I think the event was successful, was a great tribute to Talese and will only get better next time! I plan on making the HOPE Is In The Air an annual event and I plan on getting out and networking more while I'm here. I very much look forward to working with everyone again - it's people like THIS (motivated, ambitious & caring people) that can help me change the world. It's people like THIS that I'm going to surround myself with. And it's people like THIS who keep me positive when I'm having bad days. Another big thanks to everyone who contributed in making this the first of many great events. "Be the change you want to see in the world."

In other news, I'm getting involved in yet another business venture that I'm very excited about. Not ready to disclose all the details just yet, but I'm looking forward to working with a close friend and helping people change their lives in other ways I hadn't thought of before. Good things are happening!

I took Dominic to see the Easter Bunny today. He was a wee bit apprehensive about the whole thing. Soon as he got on the bunny's lap he threw up and then immediately started crying. Ah, the joys of having a (nearly) 4 month old. But in all seriousness, it was so damn cute. It's little things like this that make me happy on a daily basis. Even when things go wrong, it's impossible not to be happy being the proud mama of such a perfect baby. My little man is already a little flirt. He had a harem of women around him during the fashion show. What can I say? My kid is damn cute. And smart. And has a hell of a personality already! Can't imagine where he gets that from. He must be going through a growth spurt. I swear I just bought him new clothes about a month ago, and he's just about outgrown them already. Time to go shopping again. It'll be interesting to see how big he's gotten at his 4 month checkup. When the hell did I acquire a 4 month old? Time sure does fly when you're having fun!

It's been great having two of my friends from Utah here the past few days. I'll be sad to see them go this week. Even though we haven't been able to do any of the super fun or touristy stuff, it's been nice having good friends around who have been there for me through everything. As much as being in NY has been helpful to me in many ways and I've loved spending the extra time with my dad, I really really miss Utah. I feel my time in NY coming to an end, and my journey back to Utah coming closer. I think it's just about time for me to fly... :)

St Pattys Day & The Deadly Fishbowl...

2012-03-19T19:34:00.002-07:00

Yowza! I can't believe March is half over already. T minus 12 days until my fashion show, giddy up! I've got 7 models, 2 photographers, 1 makeup artist and a hairstylist coming. Gotta love great people banding together to support a great cause and promote their businesses! The fundraiser raffle giveaway has turned into a major hassle - apparently I need approval from the NYS gaming board in order to run a raffle. Screw that, guess I'll just do a silent auction instead. I suspect it will be just as effective. Other than that, I just need to write what I'm going to say for the event (I'm the MC) and pick out music and everything will be ready to go! Overall, things are going great business'wise. I have some new business deals on the horizon, but it's too soon to go into detail just yet. I'm super grateful to have such amazing, inspiring people in my life who continue to believe in me and push me to go further. Suffice it to say, exciting things are happening! "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

I decided to break out of my shell and live a little on St Patty's Day. My mom watched Dominic for most of the night while I went to a good friend's birthday/St Patty's Day bash and then out for some drinks. Lets just say a male dancer, old friends and a fishbowl full of liquor make for an interesting night! I'm glad I went out and had some fun, but it was also a good reminder as to why I don't drink excessively anymore. I sure don't miss the hangovers and I'd much rather spend the time with my little man. I think I'll be good on the party front until my NYC trip to see Nickelback next month.

I think (and hope) spring is finally here in NY. The last few days have been super nice (albeit a bit humid). Now that Dominic is getting old enough to actually go out and do some stuff, I can't wait to take him all over this summer. I'm seeing the beach, the zoo and the park in our very near future. He's developing such a cute personality. He's one of the most smiley babies I've ever seen and he's very animated. He just loves to hear himself talk and look at himself in the mirror. It amazes me the new things he picks up on a daily basis. I'm going to have my hands full when he starts walking, that's for damn sure. Watch out world - my little protege is a mini go-getter just like his mama!

HOPE Is In the Air...

2012-03-08T20:58:00.001-08:00

Ahhhh, I finally have a minute to relax and catch my breath. Life just keeps getting busier and busier. Spent 8 hours at a funeral today for my great grandma Lil who passed away last week. I'm glad I was able to get Dominic over to meet her a couple weeks ago before she passed away. It was sad to see her go, but she lived a long happy life. If all good people were lucky enough to live to be 88 years old, then maybe life would make a little more sense. But, when does life ever make sense?

Things sure are turning around though. Thanks to my interns, my 14 hour work days and networking with some amazing people I am starting to see a huge difference in my businesses. Especially TT's Attic. Things are far from perfect or where I envision them to be, but I'm proud of how far I've come thus far. Less than a month now until my "HOPE Is In The Air" fashion show/fundraiser, and I received amazing news yesterday that The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is going to support my event and send the CNY chapter board members to set up a table! I'm beyond excited. After I got off the phone with the area director for AFSP, I literally got the chills - I had a sudden feeling that things were exactly the way they are supposed to be, all thanks to my beautiful best friend. Talese has been my inspiration from day one and always will be. It's easy to get caught up in life sometimes but I try to take at least 5 minutes everyday and think about the reason behind why I do what I do, and think about all the ways she has changed me. If I can make a difference in at least one persons life the way she has mine, all the hard work will be worth it. I hope the show has a good turn out so we can raise money for a great cause. I really feel like this will be the beginning of a great relationship with the AFSP members in the CNY area. "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

In other great news, two of my good friends from Utah are coming to visit me at the end of the month and they will be here for the fashion show! I couldn't be more excited. Sometimes I don't feel like me without my entourage around, and it will be nice to have a little bit of "home" around for awhile. This will be their first time meeting Dominic or seeing me with a baby, so it should be interesting!

Dominic keeps getting cuter and smarter everyday - no surprise there. He can hold a bottle (yes, I was just as surprised), grab a rattle, pull on his toys hanging from his carseat, and talk up a storm. I still standby the fact that he's a baby genius. And I can't take him anywhere without random people approaching me and telling me how gorgeous he is, (hey what can I say, he's got a hot mama!) Everyone tells me he's starting to look more like me. I can see it a little, but I'd say overall he's a pretty good combination. But yes, I'm aware he's quite a bit tanner than me. Sometimes I feel like it's the elephant in the room. Yeah, my kid is tan. Yeah, his father is tan. Big deal. To be honest I'm a little jealous ha ha! His new favorite thing is pulling my hair when I hold him and listening to me read him Dr. Seuss stories before bedtime. Sometimes it's hard to pull myself away from him to get my work done. Suffice it to say, I love that little man more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone.

Ms. Feisty Is Back!

2012-02-28T22:20:00.001-08:00

I really wish I had more time to post regularly on here. If I wasn't working until 1 AM every day I would be all over it. I realize most people have absolutely no idea what I do on a daily basis so I figured I would elaborate. Now of course it depends on the day, but a "typical" day consists of; managing my businesses and clients social media pages, optimizing my web sites for SEO, working on building up my sales teams, managing my interns, revising my training process, promoting my upcoming fashion show/fundraiser, writing press releases, doing e-mail marketing, researching/buying new inventory, and working on new designs for the boutique, just to name a few. It makes me cringe every time people ask me when I'm going to "start looking for a job". Yes, there are actually ignorant people out there who assume I do nothing just because THEY don't understand what I do. No, I'm not sitting home in my pajamas watching TV all day. No, I'm not trying to do a "get rich quick scheme." Yes, I run two legitimate businesses. Yes, I work 8 - 12 hours on an average day. Yes, I do make money. And yes, both of my businesses are absolutely still works in progress with a lot of room left to grow. Just thought I would clear that up for a few folks. Hopefully getting that off my chest will ward off an impending meltdown next time someone makes the assumption that because I am "self employed" that means I am "unemployed". I am in fact very much employed, thank you very much.

It's been a long time coming but the feisty Blair everyone knows and loves is back. Watch out world! I've said it before and I'll say it again, my motto for 2012 is "Go big or go home!" I've got some great things in progress, and I just can't wait to prove a few people wrong once they come to fruition. Those of you who doubt me only motivate me more so, by all means, keep the condescension coming. Not sure where the sudden pent up aggression has come from, but I like it. I think it's just what I needed to light a fire under my ass (in case I wasn't motivated enough already). I refuse to accept anything less than the best from this point forward. Word to the wise - I won't forgot those of you who believed in me or those of you who tried to bring me down. End of story. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but true friends will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

On another note, Dominic has gone through a sudden "growth spurt" for lack of better terminology. He can hold his head up quite well, he can roll from his belly to his back, he can prop himself up on his elbows, he can hold a rattle, he can make the "g" and "b" sounds, and follow a voice when someone enters a room. My kid is a genius, that's all there is to it. And he just keeps getting cuter everyday. His new favorite thing is batting his eyelashes at me. It amazes me how I love him more every single second I'm with him. He truly is the best part of my day every single day. It's difficult for me to fathom how such an amazing, perfect, sweet little person came from such a complete and utter ignoramus of a sperm donor (see previous paragraph about sudden pent up aggression). I know this much - Dominic is going to by 100 times the man Steve is (yeah the cat's out of the bag, baby daddy's name is Steve). I'm breaking the "dead beat dad" cycle or I'll die trying.

Yep, We're Still Kickin...

2012-02-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

No I didn't fall off the face of the earth or quit blogging. Just been too damn busy to post lately. As you can imagine, watching an (almost) 3 month old baby full time, working (more than) full time and planning two very stressful (but lucrative and GENIUS) events is quite time consuming. Business expansion is still going in the right direction and things just keep getting busier. At this rate, I'll have to bring on some full time employees in the near future. "There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday."

Once things slow down a wee bit, I'm taking a damn vacation! Although I can think of about a billion places that would be more fun or relaxing, my first stop is Salt Lake City. I have too many people I want to see, and a few that I feel like I NEED to see sooner than later. I miss my people, my entourage, my groupies. Sometimes I don't feel like me without having my people around. I've done a lot of changing since I landed in NY last May, and I'm anxious to see if/how this will change any of my relationships. Only time will tell...

I took an impromptu and much needed break on Sunday and went to the casino with my cousin. It wasn't planned, but I was long overdue for some "me" time. It was nice to get away and go do something I have fun with (I just love my blackjack!) Even tried my hand in the poker room. But after about an hour I started missing my little man. I was gone for about 6 hours and that's the longest I've been away from him in one sitting. Coming home and giving him a big hug and kiss made my entire day!

I just can't believe my little man will be 3 months old in a couple weeks. Seems like just yesterday I was being induced. And he just keeps getting cuter and smarter everyday. He has such a sweet little personality. I already find myself looking at pictures of him from when he was "little" aka first born, and missing him being so tiny His new favorite thing is sticking out his bottom lip when he doesn't get his way. I can't imagine where he learned that from ha ha! The kid already knows how to make me laugh. Time sure does fly when you're having fun!

Life Is Beautiful...

2012-02-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Holy smokes, things have been crazy! I feel like I never get a chance to slow down. But I wouldn't have it any other way. For once, I actually got done with my daily to-do list before 8 PM, yet I kept on working. What can I say? I'm a workaholic, I LIKE working. Does that make me weird? Eh, maybe. Or maybe it just means I'm lucky that I love what I do. Things are starting to come together as far as the event planning goes. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything continues to go so well.

Dominic had his two month checkup last week and they said he couldn't be more perfect. Eleven pounds 4 ounces and 23 inches long - which puts him at exactly 50th percentile. I ended up taking him back to the doctors yesterday because he had a cough. Turns out the cough was nothing but the doctor did want to do an ultrasound to make sure his big belly wasn't anything serious. Fortunately, his belly is fine. What a huge sigh of relief for me! Maybe now I can stop being so paranoid. Probably not.

Dominic just loves to kick his feet and grab onto things now. Well, for awhile now actually. And he "talks" up a storm. His new thing is the "g" sound. He'll even repeat me when I say "goo goo". Did I ever mention that my kid is a genius? In other news, he's afraid of his toy giraffe. I was playing with him the other day and pressed the button on the giraffe to sing the ABC's and Dominic started crying his eyes out. The sheer look of horror on his face was priceless. The kid cracks me up on a daily basis.

My child is growing up so fast I can't even stand it. I went shopping with my mom the other day to buy him some bigger clothes - he's wearing 3-6 month clothes now! I now have 5 bags full of clothes (some which he never wore) that are too small for him. It was so hard for me to go through his clothes and get rid of them. I don't want to believe he's already so big. I just love him at this age. He's so damn adorable. "It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."

So I went ahead an joined a gym. Planet Fitness here I come. Not that I have any time as it is, but who needs sleep anyway? Time to start living up to my "MILF" status, ha ha ha! I'm already down to weighing less than I did before I got pregnant and I haven't even tried. Now if I could just tone and tighten, I'll be a happy camper. Ah, life is good these days!

The Best Two Months

2012-02-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

Wow, where does the time go? Today (well, technically yesterday since it's after midnight now) is the two month mark of when my perfect little man entered this world. I can NOT believe he's growing up so quickly. I have learned so much from him and about myself during the past two months, it's hard to believe I'm even the same person sometimes. I couldn't ask for a smarter, cuter, funnier, more perfect baby. I feel like the luckiest mama in the world when I get to wake up and see Dominic everyday. I love my little baby genius!

Dominic has his two month checkup at the doctors in the morning. I'm going to have them take a second look at his belly - I'm still worried because it just looks abnormally big to me. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I need to know for sure or it will drive me nuts. I'm also super nervous because they want to give him all his vaccinations tomorrow. I posted earlier this summer about my concerns regarding certain vaccines. Well those concerns haven't changed, but unfortunately NY is one of those states that doesn't give you much choice concerning immunizations. I talked to several pediatricians and the general consensus was that vaccines weren't optional. Don't get me wrong - I was ok with most of them, but there are a few that I think are unnecessary. Oh well, guess he's getting them whether I approve or not. It will be a lesson in self control to not stress about it all weekend.

Business has gone crazy all the sudden, which is good and bad. Most days I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to manage work and baby and yet I still end the day with stuff left on my to-do list. I'm super nervous about my upcoming events - I know I can pull them off, the interns are extremely helpful and all the parts are there, it's just a matter of pushing forward and finding a way around any issues that should arise. I think most of my stress stems from the fact that I'm no longer just counting on myself, but I have several other people counting on me to be successful as well - my interns, the people who are coming to my events, the businesses who sponsor my events and so on. But, I can't let my fear of failure get in the way. I'd rather fail and try it again a different way, than not try at all and never know what the outcome could have been. I'm thankful for all the people who still believe in me after the last two crazy years. I know there are quite a few people who doubt me or think that I've lost my mind. After I quit my stock broker job at E*Trade and went rogue, I feel like some people started to regard me as a "has been". But I assure you, I haven't just been sitting here thinking about the life I used to have. I've been carefully planning and putting into action the life I'd like to have. But, alas, things like this take time and don't happen overnight. At least I'm finally starting to see some results. I feel more positive about this year than I've felt about anything in a long time. "I am not a has-been. I am a will be."

With all this work, I've had virtually no time for relaxation or "play time". When I do get spare time, I like to spend most of it hanging out with my little protege, reading him stories, taking naps, etc. I'm enjoying this mommy role quite a bit. But I do need to let my hair down every now and again. So I'm planning a night out for St. Patty's Day. Not sure what I'm doing yet, but it was my best friend, Talese's, favorite holiday, so I'll likely honor her by going to an Irish bar and having a few drinks in her honor. I haven't even gone yet and already I feel a little guilty for leaving my little man behind. But adult time is necessary every now and then if I want to keep my sanity. I'll also be going to NYC to see Nickelback and Bush at Madison Square Gardens on April 19th and I'm very much looking forward to that! I don't care what people say, Nickelback is one of my favorite bands and I'm super excited for this concert. Talese and I had plans to go to Nickelback two years in a row and never did make it to their concert. It will be hard to be there without her. I've missed her tons lately. But I know she'll be there in spirit. "Wherever I am you'll always be more than just a memory."

Just Another Day In Paradise...

2012-01-29T21:11:00.000-08:00

Damn, it felt good to take the weekend off from work. I'd like to make a habit out of it but there's a fat chance of that happening with all of the upcoming business events I have planned. I've found venues for my upcoming marketing seminar and fashion fundraiser. Now on to the fun part - planning and marketing! I swear I'm more nervous about signing the contracts to secure the event venues than I was when I closed on my house! Oh well, time to push those fears aside and move forward. The show must go on!

Spent the weekend hanging with the family and cuddling my little man. These are the things that I look forward to most now as a mommy. I FINALLY got around to starting Dominic's baby book, just need to add pictures and I'll be all caught up. Yay me. Unfortunately my weekend ended with me feeling a bit under the weather today. Stuffy nose, body aches and super tired - yuck! Here's to hoping I feel better tomorrow morning and I can start the week off on a positive note.

Been thinking a lot lately about how fortunate I am to have such great parents. Sure they may annoy me at times, but I'm always very grateful of how supportive they've been through the last few years. My life has changed so much but the one thing I can always count on is them. I definitely wouldn't be where I am today without them and I love them very much. Some people aren't so lucky to have two great parents. Case in point, Dominic. I'm doing my best to make his life as perfect as possible, but no matter what I do it will never take the place of having another loving parent. For the most part I don't think about it too much, but I've been wondering a lot lately how this will affect him once he gets older and starts to ask questions. I'm mostly concerned because I can't begin to fathom how it feels not having two loving parents and I feel like I won't be able to relate to him. Ironically, one of the people who knows what he'll be going through and could relate to him (his father) is the same person who put him in this situation. Oh, the irony! I guess I'll cross this bridge when I come to it. "Some things were never meant to be no matter how much we wish they were."

Just Call Me Polar Bear...

2012-01-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

So taking a dip in the river mid-January when it's 14 degrees outside isn't as bad as one might think! I did my "polar bear plunge" this past Saturday with two of my interns and a few friends. The event wasn't as organized as I had hoped, but it was a lot of fun! Some groups even went in costumes. Team TT's Attic took the plunge to a very fitting "I'm Too Sexy". To be honest, it really wasn't THAT bad and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I went in just about up to my shoulders. The coldness of the water didn't really hit me until after I got out, at which point it felt like knives stabbing the lower half of my body. No biggie. "Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

I interviewed my second round of interns last week and started training my first group of interns today. I'm super excited about having the extra help and some fresh ideas for a few months. I really think we'll be able to make some great progress and plan some awesome events. Time to go balls to the wall!

Every time I think I can't love my little man more, he does something super cute and I fall even more in love with him. It's so funny, before he was born and as I was reading all the pregnancy and baby books I thought I had everything all figured out. I remember thinking "I will NEVER let my baby co-sleep with me" and "I do NOT want Dominic to have a pacifier", yet here I am with a 7 week old who loves his pacifier at bedtime and takes daily naps with his mama. Things changed so much once he was actually here and everything I thought I knew went completely out the window. I've come to realize that it's okay to do things my own way sometimes and not everything has to be done "by the book." Having a child has been such an amazing learning experience so far!

My Latest Epiphany...

2012-01-13T23:54:00.000-08:00

*Sigh* It's about damn time I had a few free minutes to post. What's new here? Lets see, loving my little mini-me more everyday, getting myself psyched up to jump in a freezing ass river next week for charity, and working like a madwoman 24/7. I've become such a proud mama. I know I'm biased and everyone thinks their kid is the cutest/smartest, but Dominic seriously is! I've been reading up on different milestones for newborn babies, and he's ahead of the game by 1-2 months on some of them. He already smiles, laughs, coos, kicks his feet and reaches for things. It's amazing how much personality he has for only 6 weeks old. Oh and did I mention he's absolutely beautiful? Future president in the making!

Aside from adoring my little protege, I've been spending some time thinking about life, success, etc. I've certainly taken my fair share of risks, career and otherwise. But I've come to realize that in some ways I'm subconsciously standing in the way of my own success. I have a tendency to over analyze and over plan things, especially where it concerns business. This past year I've spent building solid foundations for my businesses and planning for the future. But now it's time to stop planning and start doing. Less looking, more leaping. I've learned that no matter how much I plan I'll never please 100% of my customers and sometimes I'm still going to fail. I'm learning to be ok with that. If some of my business ideas fail, I'll brush myself off and move to the next ones. But if I don't start at least attempting some of these ideas, I'll always have two small businesses, when I could have two huge amazing businesses. Time to go big or go home."You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

I've also noticed that in some ways I may be a little afraid of taking things to the next level and becoming more successful. Again, this is something I didn't realize until I really sat and thought about it. Once business is taken to the next level, I'll have just about anything I could want or ask for. Business and financial success. The most perfect baby in the world. Great friends and family. Only one thing missing. One thing that I rarely talk about (or think about for that matter). Romance. Love. Whatever you sappy people want to call it. So why don't I ever talk about it? For one, it's fairly non existent in my life these days. Second, I don't have time with baby and work occupying all my time. And lastly, it scares the shit out of me. Truth be told, I've been enamored with someone for quite some time and he's the only who doesn't know it. I could make a million excuses as to why I haven't pursued it, including the fact that I'm currently 2500 miles away, but it would be just that - an excuse. Perhaps it's time to put on my big girl panties and stop being such a wuss. On second thought, I think I'll start by taking more business risks and see how that goes first. And that's all I'm going to say about that!

"It's amazing the things you can accomplish when you get out of your own way."

Love of My Life...

2012-01-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

I've finally met the love of my life. He weighs about 9 and a half pound and sucks his thumb. I often refer to him as my "little protege" or my "little man", but his name is Dominic. When I was going through the labor process, I expected this overwhelming surge of emotion when I met him for the first time. That's what everyone had told me to expect. But for me, it wasn't that way at all. That's not to say it wasn't love at first site because I knew I loved him before he was even born. But more than anything I felt a huge sense of relief when he was born. Relief that he was safe and healthy. And relief that my 42 hour labor was finally over! The first week after Dominic came home I went into survival mode, just trying to figure out how to take care of him and avert any disasters. But after week two, once I got the hang of things, I really started to enjoy my time with him a lot more. Maybe I'm just an odd duck, but for me the bonding process has been more gradual and I find new things to love about him everyday. It's safe to say he's already got me wrapped around his finger. Hell, I even love his "pissed off" face. When he looks at me with those big brown eyes and sticks out that bottom lip, I'm done for.

The inevitable has happened. I've turned into my mother. Overprotective. Paranoid. Worrywart. I'm pretty sure all of those would be fitting. I took Dominic to the doctor today because I thought his belly looked disproportionately big compared to the rest of his body. Turns out he was just bloated. I have a hard time not worrying about every little thing, but I guess that's my job. I even find myself watching him while he sleeps sometimes just to make sure he's still breathing. I'm scared to imagine how I'll be acting when he's a teenager.

So I've realized Dominic is a genius. Not that I ever doubted he would be. But in reading up on infants, he's advanced in just about every area so far. He started smiling and giggling at about 2-3 weeks old and he started following my voice around the same time. He's already started to make cooing sounds and every now and then will even put his own pacifier back in his mouth when it falls out. Pretty damn advanced for a (not even) 5 week old! Harvard law school here we come!

I've still got a million things on my plate as far as business goes, but I'm quite content with the progress I've been making. I've come up with a few more brilliant ideas that I'll be rolling out within the next few months. In a few weeks I'm doing a charity event "polar bear plunge" to raise money for cystic fibrosis and the Ronald McDonald house charities. A few friends, a few interns and myself will all be jumping in the Seneca River mid-January in order to get people to donate. Our team will be representing my two businesses, TT's Attic and The Alpha Omega Solution. Should be a fun (albeit freezing) time! This week I'll be finishing up the training for my interns and interviewing some fashion designers for the boutique. I'm going to eventually be phasing out wholesale inventory and have all my items custom designed (among other things). I'm super stoked for the changes this year has in store! But all things considered, the best part of my day is still when I get to relax and cuddle with the cutest baby in the world. It makes all the stress and hard work completely worth it! "Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep."

Good Riddance 2011

2011-12-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how fast 2011 has flown by. What a crazy up and down year it has been. It's amazing to think of all the changes I've made in my life in just 12 short months. While I hesitate to say 2011 was a "bad" year, I certainly hope 2012 will be a better year. The last three years have been sub-par, to say the least, with my divorce and the loss of my step dad and best friend so I think I'm long overdue for one kickass awesome year.

Over the past week I've been reflecting on this past year and the things I've learned. I'm happy with the many positive changes this year has brought me, not least of all my beautiful son. I've had a few friends come and go this year, but it has taught me who my true friends are. Although a few people I thought would always be there left me sorely disappointed, I was also pleasantly surprised by a few certain people who stood by my side through all of my ups and downs. I will be forever grateful to THOSE friends. This year has been a huge lesson in patience. When I decided to regain control of my life and start my own businesses, I never envisioned it being such a process. I've learned to accept that not everything comes fast and easy, and sometimes things worth waiting for take time. Sometimes it's okay to slow down and enjoy life instead of racing through it on a mission to get to the top. My 9 months of pregnancy and 42 hour labor were also a lesson in patience, ha ha! This year also taught me (once again) that life is full of surprises. At the beginning of 2011, I never would have imagined I would end up back in NY with a baby. But I've learned to take things in stride and I feel like I am more prepared for whatever life throws at me now. 2011 was also a very humbling year. As someone who was successful at a very young age and bought a home at the age of 18, I had a tendency to get on my "high horse" sometimes. But going from living in my own home back to staying with one of my parents (albeit temporary)and starting completely over has had a way of putting me in my place. I've learned that that sometimes it's okay to put your pride aside and accept help from others when they offer it. This year has been a year of moving on. I've learned to deal with the losses I've had over the past 3 years in a more productive way. I've moved forward with my life with the memory of my step dad and best friend close to my heart. And most importantly, I've learned to love someone more than myself again. From the moment I decided to have Dominic, his needs became more important than my own and I knew I would love him more than anything else in the world. Having him was definitely the highlight of my year (and my life thus far). All things considered, I guess 2011 wasn't such a horrible year after all.

I suppose most people see the new year as an opportunity to make positive changes and get a fresh start and I'm no different. I think of all the progress that was made in 2011 and I'm excited to see where this next year will take me. My plan is to become the best mommy (and daddy) I can be this year. I'm all Dominic has and I need to set a good example. This year I'm going to get out of NY (and likely back to Salt Lake City) to begin the next chapter in my life. I'm going to live on my own again so that I can begin to feel like a functional adult once again. I'm going to start working on a plan to buy another house for me and Dominic. This year I'm going to expand my businesses and increase profits. My goal is to hire a few full time employees for each business and have interns each semester. I want to have clients in every state for my marketing firm by the end of the year. And my goal for TT's Attic is to roll out my new and improved top secret idea by June, and to truly start to make a difference with the 20% donations I do each month. My goal is to make a difference in at least one persons life this year, through charity events, volunteering and maybe even some motivational speaking. I've come to believe it is my life's mission to make a difference. I think my life experiences give me the tools necessary to help others and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to go to Ireland this year to Whitepark Bay so I can see the beautiful place my best friend always talked about. I want to spend less time working and more time with my friends and family this year. My goal for the year is to work smarter, not harder. I know I can accomplish these things with the right attitude and determination. It won't be easy but I've always liked a challenge. Oh and I want to make my first million by the time I turn 25 in September, ha ha! Okay that one might be a bit far fetched, but who says I can't try? :) “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

A big thank you to both of my parents for being so supportive and helpful to me this year. I don't know how I would have done it all without you guys. And an equally big thank you to those friends who have been there for me through this crazy year (you know who you are). I love you guys so much and people like you give me hope for everyone else.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year! Bring it on 2012 - I'm gonna make you my bitch!!! ;)

Happy Festivus!

2011-12-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

Happy 1st Christmas to my little protege! Dominic wasn't nearly as excited about the holiday as I was. My little brother and cousin had everyone in the house up by 5:30 AM this morning but my child slept through all the festivities. It was worth getting up early to see how cute he looked in his Christmas pj's though. I love how I wrapped all his gifts just to unwrap them all again myself - totally worth it though just to get me in the Christmas spirit! He ended up making out pretty good - got himself quite a few new clothes and toys, a Bumbo chair, a play mat with a keyboard and a bear that can be programmed to spell his name and play his favorite songs. Next year will be a lot more fun for Dominic, although it was great to spend the holiday with my family in NY for the first time since 2006. My little man was the hit of all the family parties, I barely got a minute with him on Christmas Eve with all the people who wanted to hold him. Christmas Eve started at my great grandma Katie's house with good company, a five generation picture and the best peanut butter balls ever! Then we moved the party to my grandma's house with her 12 foot Christmas tree. And finally ended the night at my cousin Cory's house for a huge party with my mom's side of the family. It made for a long, exhausting, and fun filled day. I can't wait until next year when Dominic might actually be excited at the prospect of "Santa" coming. "Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide-bound hearts."

I had myself a couple glasses of wine last night at the Christmas party. Although it was damn tasty, I must say not entirely worth the hassle of having to pump and make a bunch of bottles in advance. I suppose if I made it 9 months, I can make it another 3 or 4 until I'm done nursing before I decide to partake in drinking adult beverages again. And quite frankly it's not a top priority at this point.

I swear, I fall more in love with my child every time I look at him. When I had Dominic, I expected to be faced with an overwhelming rush of emotion upon seeing him for the first time. But it wasn't like that for me. The first time I saw him, I knew I loved him right away but more than anything else I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that he was safe and healthy. The first week I was focused mainly on getting the hang of things and figuring out how to take care of him. But now that I've got the mommy gig down pat, I've been able to enjoy my time with him more. I find myself spending a lot of time just staring at him, in complete awe that I made him. It amazes me how much personality he has already. His huge smiles crack me up. And he's taken to growling at me when he's hungry. How anyone could not love him is beyond me, this kid couldn't be more perfect if he tried!

Dominic Crankypants

2011-12-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

My child hates me and wants me to keel over from exhaustion. Ok maybe not, but that's what it feels like. I knew Dominic was going to be a night owl if his sleep schedule during my pregnancy was any indication. He acts like a complete angel all day long, but come night time I'm dealing with Jekyll & Hyde. He turns into a holy terror, up nearly every hour, eating like he's starving, screaming his head off and demanding my attention. I can only hope once he gets a little older I'll be able to train him and get him on a schedule that works a little better for me. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I got all my Christmas shopping done yesterday. Gifts bought, wrapped and ready to be put under the tree. Not that Dominic will remember anything this year, but I'm excited regardless. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I can't wait to celebrate it with my little man. Christmas cards went out today too. Better late than never. I only ended up sending them to my family and friends in Utah since I can't be there. If you don't get one it's because I either couldn't find your address or because I procrastinated and forgot half the people on my list. Or I hate you bahahaha.

Now that I'm mostly recovered, back to work and on somewhat of a schedule, my next mission is to get back in shape. I actually can't complain too much considering I just delivered a baby two and a half weeks ago. I daresay I'm damn near close to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I need to tone things up a bit. I get too bored going to the gym, so I'm looking for a dance class or something similar. Zumba, pole dancing, salsa, even kickboxing would be fun. If anyone is aware of places that offer these in the CNY area, please let me know!

I made my selections for my first group of interns. Next on the agenda is developing their training program. They start on January 23rd so I have a few weeks to get everything ironed out. I also need to schedule interviews with my second round of interns from Syracuse University. My goal is to get all this done by the end of the week so I can take a few days off for Christmas. I can't wait to have the extra help. I have a few exciting ideas up my sleeve that they should be able to help me set in motion. A spring fashion show and fundraiser? Don't mind if I do! Watch and learn while I take this to the next level. "You don't become the best by being like the rest."

Guess Who's Back!?

2011-12-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

After nine months of pregnancy and an exhausting first week of parenting, I'm beyond excited to announce that Blair is back! I was so worried I would lose myself and my edge upon having Dominic, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Now that my little man and I have gotten into somewhat of a routine, I've been able to start focusing on moving forward with work again. I interviewed my first group of interns this week and things look very promising. Having an addition 5-10 set of hands and fresh ideas for the businesses should be just what the doctor ordered. I became a bit antisocial during pregnancy, but I'm ready to get back in the swing of things now. I'm ready to get out and network with people, ready to travel the world with my protege, and ready to start my new life with amazing people by my side. I haven't felt this optimistic about things in a long time. It feels like months and months of hard work is finally coming together. I know I still have a long way to go, but everything is worth is at the end of the day when I get to cuddle up with the cutest baby in the world.

I debated for the last 3 months of my pregnancy whether or not I should send photos and details about Dominic's birth to his sperm donor. I'm still not sure if I made the right decision, but I opted to send them a few days ago. I've yet to receive a response and I don't expect one, but at least now I can tell Dominic someday that I did everything in my power to try and facilitate a relationship between him and his father. There can never be the excuse "I didn't know when he was born" or anything equally as ridiculous. How he could see photos of this beautiful, perfect baby and not even make an attempt is beyond me. I suspect he may be living in denial. But I guess there are some things in life I will never understand. All of my attempts have been recorded and now I can wash my hands of the situation knowing I did everything I could. I am beginning to believe that things truly do happen for a reason and maybe the only purpose he served in my life was to give me Dominic. Perhaps there is someone out there who will be a better father figure for Dominic someday. And fortunately because I didn't put the sperm donor on his birth certificate, it will be that much easier for someone to step into that role if and when they come along. But that's enough about that. Onward and upward! “Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However we must keep smiling & moving on.”

Dominic had his two week checkup today. Holy smokes has he grown! Last Tuesday he had a brief doctor visit so his pediatrician could check his weight after leaving the hospital. At that point he had lost 8 ounces and was down to 7 lbs 4 ounces. Today, just over a week later, he was up to 8 lbs 12 ounces! Lets just say he's a good eater. It appears I have a very healthy (and chubby) baby on my hands and I could not be more grateful!

Chubby Cheeks!

2011-12-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this blog post with a little man by my side! Just sayin. At the moment Dominic is fast asleep wearing yellow ducky pj's in his bouncer. I can't believe how much he's changed in only 10 days. His eyes are now dark brown (even darker than mine), and his chubby cheeks have become even chubbier. He's still cute as ever - that hasn't changed! It amazes me how much personality he has already. I know that sounds silly to say about a newborn, but some of the stuff he does cracks me up. He smiles his sleep, he raises his eyebrows and he even rolls his eyes. I can already tell he's stubborn as a mule. Go figure, the child who takes 42 hours to be born is stubborn, (sensing the sarcasm?)

Nursing is getting a little easier and we are finally starting to develop a little routine. I read him a bedtime story every night before bed. He eats every 3 hours and if he's asleep I wake him up. The last two nights he's slept most of the night except during his feedings. I'm crossing my fingers that tonight will be 3 for 3. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this! I've even managed to get back to working about 5 hours a day. At this rate I'll be back on my A game by the end of the month! One step at a time I suppose.

I'm so damn excited about Dominic's first Christmas. We went to see Santa this past Saturday for a pancake breakfast at Beaver Lake. It was mostly for my benefit, as Dominic just slept the whole time. But I got some great pictures out of the whole thing. I did all of my Christmas shopping online this year and ended up getting him clothes and just a couple toys. I bought him the cutest play gym/mat with a piano he can kick with his feet. He won't be able to use it for a couple more months, but I'm sure he will love it. Or I will love to see him use it. Either way. Next on the agenda after the holidays is making a trip out to Utah to introduce Dominic to all of our family and friends out there. I miss everyone so much and I can't wait for them to meet my new little sidekick!

"Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there's always something we could be grateful for."

Dominic's Birth Story

2011-12-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

Here's the post you've all been waiting patiently for! My little rockstar has indeed arrived! DISCLAIMER: If you don't care to hear all the gory details of my "childbirth" experience, turn back now. If you are currently pregnant and don't want to end up terrified about your impending birth, I suggest you also stop reading. Now without further ado, Dominic's birth story...

My November 24th due date came and passed with no signs of a little turkey. So my doctor set an induction date for November 30th at 7 PM. Lets just say it's a damn good thing I had no idea what I was getting into and I went into the whole labor experience with an open mind. Just about any and all "birth plans" I had went completely out the window.

Going into the induction I was only 1 cm dilated, so the plan was to give me two rounds of drugs - cervadil and pitocin - to jumpstart my labor. At the start of the induction, the doctors warned me that it could be quite the lengthy process, although I was convinced Dominic would come sooner than later. Wishful thinking on my part!

At the start of day 1, I felt prepared and ready to evict my little man! My mom, dad and grandma all came with me to the hospital and were in it for the long haul. I was all smiles and posing for pictures, but that would soon change. 12 hours after receiving the cervadil, I was only dilated to a 3, so doctors decided to give me another drug, which they only referred to as "meso", to further dilate me. After 2 rounds and about 10 hours of "meso", the doctors decided it was time to break my water to speed things up. About 22 hours into the induction and I finally started to make progress. Kinda. Around this time I met a lovely nurse who told me an absolutely horrendous story about a fatal cord accident at the hospital. Call me crazy but that's not the best thing to tell a woman in active labor, ready to give birth to her first child.

But at the start of day 2, I was still in good spirits. My water had been broke, I was finally dilated to a 5, and I was having regular contractions that were noticeable but not terribly painful. The birth was certainly taking longer than I expected but up until this point I was still sticking to my "unmedicated" birth plan. At this point I met another interesting nurse who provided me with a little entertainment during my otherwise boring hospital stay. She came in to check on me and she looked at the 3D ultrasound photo I had on my phone of Dominic. "Oh my god, what a cute baby!" she exclaimed. "Looking at his picture just makes you want to pull out your boob and have him start sucking on it" she continued. Umm, what!? Did you really just say what I think you did? My mom and I were both holding back laughter. Where the hell did this hospital hire their nurses?

10 hours later, going onto hour 32 of induction, my positive facade started to deteriorate. Rapidly. I was going on 2 hours of sleep over 2 days, and a liquids only diet. I was tired, anxious and in pain. Screw "unmedicated" birth, give me the drugs! I opted for an epidural at that point, and the next 7 hours were glorious. Good-bye pain, hello tingly numb legs!

And then...all the fun started. I started to feel a pressure that was not there before, and Dominic's heart rate started to drop on the fetal monitor, so I called the nurse in. She promptly had the doctor "check me" only to find out that I was (finally) 10 cm dilated! I remember the doctor checking me, then looking at me and asking "So, are you ready to push?" Ummm, yeah, as ready as I'm going to be! I started to have a mini meltdown at that point (Oh, shit! This is about to get real!) And to make matters worse, doc decided to turn off the medication to the epidural before I started pushing so that I could "feel" my contractions and would know when to push. Awesome! What's the point of an epidural if I'm still going to feel a giant baby coming out my vajayjay?

At the start of pushing, the nurse warned me that first time moms typically take around 1 to 1 1/2 hours to deliver the baby once they start pushing. But stubborn old me was convinced that I would have Dominic out in under 45 minutes. Wrong again! I started pushing at 10:54 AM on Friday morning and Dominic wasn't born until 1:36 PM. Over 2 1/2 hours of pushing. On 3 hours of sleep over 3 days. And no food in over 24 hours. I started out by pushing on a bed, the "normal way" but over the course of the next couple hours ended up on a birthing stool and trying all kinds of crazy techniques to get the baby out. Dominic just did not want to come out! About an hour and a half into the pushing process, I started to get very discouraged. So the doctor says, "Reach down, you can feel his hair." So I did, and low and behold I could feel his hair! I thought for sure I was almost done at that point. But no. He ended up getting stuck in the birth canal. For about an hour. The doctor was worried he was too big and that we might have to end up doing an emergency c-section to get him out. But just in the knick of time, just past the two and a half hour mark, Dominic finally made his way into the world. As it turns out, he was stuck in the birth canal because he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and it was holding him up. Talk about scary! On top of it all I ended up having multiple blood clots and needing quite a few stitches. As one of my friends once said, "It's a lot easier going in than it is coming out!" Ain't that the truth.

But my little man was finally in my arms. It felt great. Although at that point I was completely delirious. No joke. Aside from the pain, I remember very little about what the doctors said to me during the pushing process. Perhaps it was the pain, or the lack or sleep or the lack of food or a combination of the three. But I was completely out of it. When they handed me Dominic for the first time I remember thinking "Oh my God, he's so much smaller than I imagined. And sooo much cuter." He weighed in at 7 lbs, 12 oz and 20 inches long. Horrendous labor aside, I had a perfectly healthy baby boy.

Let me just say, all those women who say that pushing isn't the painful part of childbirth and that it just feels like a lot of pressure are absolutely, 110%, positively full of shit! I used to think that women were just being drama queens about childbirth being painful, but I'm happy to admit I was dead wrong. (It doesn't happen often, so you can quote me on that). I'm here to tell you it hurts like a bitch, is completely exhausting and is far and away the most horrendous (yet worth it) experience I've ever had in my life. The whole thing brought me to one conclusion: Dominic is going to be an only child! Although I'm aware a 42 hour child birth isn't typical. I guess my extra long and horrible labor was retribution for a 9 month hassle free, awesome pregnancy. Either way, I'm not in a hurry to do that again!

All things aside, my recovery process has been fantastic so far. Within 4 hours of delivering Dominic, I was showered, dressed and ready for visitors. Even the doctors were surprised that I was up and around after the ordeal I went through. But I saw no point in laying around waiting to recover. There's no better way to get back in the game than to just get up and do it.

I brought my little man home on Sunday afternoon, and yet again found myself completely unprepared. I have a tendency to be a know it all sometimes and I just assumed that parenting would be another one of those things I would breeze through. False. Truth is, parenting is just as difficult (albeit rewarding) as everyone tried to tell me. It takes up more time than I ever could have expected, but it is completely worth it. Nursing alone seems like a full time job! My master plan of returning to work full time Monday morning was shot to hell. But that's ok. I managed to get a few hours in, and I've decided I'm ok with taking the transition slow. The thought of slowing down completely freaked me out at first, but then I realized, what's the rush? Work will still be there at the end of the day, but Dominic needs to come first. Almost a week later and I've finally started to get into a little routine. I'm slowly but surely transitioning into my new life as a mommy/business owner. I may not be able to work 14 hour days anymore, but Dominic and I are still going to take over the world. We're just going to do it at our own pace!

The whole childbirth and parenting experience has been a tremendous eye opener so far. For one, I learned that I'm not always right and sometimes I should listen to what other people tell me. Second, I realized even I have my limitations. I may run around acting like superwoman 99% of the time, but sometimes I just need to slow down and realize I can't do everything, all the time. And lastly, having a child does indeed change everything. Things that seemed so important just a week ago now seem so insignificant. The way I think about things has changed. The way I feel has changed. My entire life has changed. All because of one amazing little person. The feeling is indescribable. It's almost as if I feel like a foreign unknown version of myself. It will take some getting used to, but it's not a bad thing. I often find myself staring at Dominic, just completely amazed that I brought something so wonderful into this world. I love him more every second, minute, day. Having him was hands down the best thing I have ever done in my life thus far. I don't know exactly what the future will bring, but I truly feel like this is the beginning of the rest of my life...

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

Mr. Stubborn

2011-11-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it appears I have one stubborn baby on my hands. Dominic has proudly taken over my body as his bachelor pad and shows no signs of vacating the premises on his own. So, at this rate I'll be due for an induction on Wednesday or Thursday. I should know more after my doctors appointment tomorrow. These last few days have dragged on soooo slowly. Although it hasn't been half as bad as some women make it sound. I'm uncomfortable, sure, and yes, I now walk with a waddle but it hasn't been THAT horrible. More than anything else I'm just impatient. Less than a week, baby, less than a week!

Thanksgiving turned out pretty well. I was able to spend time with my dad and both sides of my extended family, and spent the weekend putting up the Christmas tree. I just love the holidays and the food was even more appealing as a 9 month pregnant woman! This was the first Thanksgiving I had spent with my dad in NY in about 10 years and it was nice to spend the holiday with him and the rest of my family. It was definitely different than what I've become accustomed to though. I can't help but miss the big Thanksgivings with 20+ people at my mom and step dads house. Time for new traditions I suppose. By next year I should have a new place of my own (who knows where?) and maybe I'll start a new tradition for me and Dominic.

The closer I get to holding my little man, the more I miss my best friend, Talese. There hasn't been a day that's gone by over the past year that I haven't thought of her, but she's been consuming my thoughts even more these days. I can't help but think she should be here by my side when I have Dominic. I can only imagine the advice she would have for me. Hopefully she'll at least be there in spirit. I miss her so much.

I think I might be getting myself some interns for both of my businesses at the beginning of next semester. As I was laying in bed trying to sleep the other night I had a stroke of genius (it happens from time to time). There I was stressing about how I need help for the boutique and the marketing firm. Big time. And then it came to me. Interns. Duh! So I contacted two of the universities close to me, Syracuse University and Oswego State, and it turns out both businesses qualify for the internship program. Basically I post positions through the universities, and in exchange for working for me the interns get college credit. Genius! So, I think I'll be posting 3 positions for my marketing firm and 2 for my boutique. If you know of any students who would be interested, please let me know. By all means, the team of contractors I hired have helped a lot with my busy work but I need more specialized/professional employees to help with some of my bigger projects and tasks. I think this will be a great way to do it without spending an arm and a leg, and maybe I'll even end up with permanent employees. It's at least worth a shot! I'm excited for all the ideas and plans I have coming up in the next few months. Hopefully they will be just what I need to give business that extra little push and allow me to have more free time for Dominic. And if not, then it's back to the drawing board and I'll keep trying until I get it right! I have to set a positive example for my little protege, after all :)

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. "

My Little Turkey...

2011-11-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

Happy early Thanksgiving! Tomorrow is my due date - I can not believe it! I really thought Dominic would be here by now - this entire pregnancy I felt like he would come early, but apparently he's nice and comfy and doesn't want to leave yet. Went to the doctors today and he said I'm only 1 cm dilated. So unless Dominic decides to come on his own they will be inducing me next Wednesday or Thursday. I have another appointment Monday to schedule the induction for one of those two days. Yee-haw! So in a weeks time I will FINALLY have little Dominic in my arms. I'm so excited, nervous, scared, elated and anxious all rolled into one. It will be interesting to see if he decides to make his debut before then or if we will have to force him out. They are already estimating his weight at over 8 lbs so I have a feeling he's going to be a big baby. And every time I go in for an ultrasound the techs laugh because they can see his little hair floating around in there. No bald baby for me! I just can't wait to see what he looks like. Hopefully I'm not forgetting anything in my 3 hospital bags that I packed (hey, wouldn't want to be stuck there without something!) because ready or not, here he comes...

"It was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into."

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...

2011-11-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

I know it's been awhile with no update - I've been crazy busy the last few weeks and it doesn't look like life is about to slow down at all! To answer the big question - yes, Dominic is still hibernating. Today is exactly one week away from my due date. Where the hell have the last 9 months gone? This pregnancy has gone by so fast and easy I can hardly believe it. All those people who bitch and moan about how rough pregnancy is really make me wonder. Maybe I've just been lucky. After all, I never even did buy maternity clothes. The old rubber band around the button of my pants trick worked wonders. I will admit though, the last week or so I've become increasingly anxious. I just want him here. RIGHT MEOW. I'm done being patient.

Am I nervous about my impending due date? Pshhh, never. What's there to be nervous about? Giving birth to a 7 - 9 pound baby? That's a walk in the park. Going through a long labor with (hopefully) no pain medication? Bring it on. Bringing home a tiny little human that I'm going to be solely responsible for? I may or may not be fucking terrified.

For my baby shower one of my friends got me a "belly cast" to make a mold of my pregnant belly. I did it last weekend because who knows how much longer I'll be housing a baby. It's a cool little gift, but I don't know what to do with it now that it's done. I've got this mold of these giant boobs and belly sitting in my room and to be honest it's a bit creepy! I guess I'll put it in storage.

So for now I go back to waiting. I'm no good at this game. Guess I'll just continue life as usual in the meantime - still working everyday, still staying active and still daydreaming about holding the little baby living inside me for the past 9 months. Come on Dominic, I'm ready when you are!

"Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current."