The Bachelor Life

5 Things Mom Was WRONG About

2015-06-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Mom and I were close, particularly after 2001 when we simultaneously moved from California's Bay Area down to the American Southwest: She to her home state of Arizona, and I to Nevada. We then made a sort of pact which promised that she would visit me once a year, and I would visit her once a year. Those twice per year journeys were consistently and happily traversed--right up until she died, near the end of that decade.

She was a wise woman who was deeply in touch with her spiritual side. A devout, lifelong Catholic who never drank an ounce of alcohol, never smoked a cigarette, nor who ever even used a swear word. As such, some of the best advice I've yet received, e.g. "Always go with your first instinct," "Avoid gambling, drugs, and alcohol," and "Embrace diversity" were lessons learned straight from mom's mouth.

But nobody's perfect, and there were times (five of which I can recall) when she was undeniably wrong:

1.) "If you want a girl to like you, then be 'extra-nice' to her." As a boy and young man, this terrible advice proved the most sabotaging to my inner-player who was at that time desperate to be released from my geeky, nice-guy (actual) self. Based on her making this ridiculous suggestion (and upon some of her other actions), I believe mom did everything in her power to stifle my well-thought-out plans to earn the affections of my many young crushes. I'm guessing she had no interest in becoming a grandma at a (somewhat) young age. And although she tolerated the nerdy marching band girls who occasionally came over, she'd throw an absolute fit each time the hot (and usually provocatively dressed) neighborhood blonde chick ("Crystalyn") showed up around the house.

But back to that "be extra-nice" advice: Why else would mom have encouraged this particularly weak type of behavior unless she wanted me to fail with women? Nice just doesn't work! Women are confused and skeptical whenever a "nice guy" enters their aura:

"Why is he being so nice?" "Is he gay??" "He must want something." "Maybe he's a psychopath!"

Each year, People rewards and recognizes the Sexiest Man Alive...never the Nicest.

But the absolute end game to this entire nice guy routine arrives when the girl you're trying to date declares you to be "too sweet." When those apocalyptic words leave her lips, it's safe to say that you have a better chance of winning the state Lottery than you have of ever becoming romantically involved with the likes of her.

2.) "Decide on things together (when on a date or in a relationship)." I've honestly never made plans with a woman who didn't expect me to call at least 90% of the shots. I'd actually prefer a more democratic method of making plans, but the girls I've dated would have thought I was crazy had I meekly asked them, "so....what do you feel like doing tonight?" or "would you prefer to see a movie, go on a hike, go to the beach, or just stay home and work on our singing?" or (even worse) "what kind of food do you feel like for tonight?"

Single women expect at least some leadership from men. And, even beyond that: Just about every woman I've ever dated has expected me to have worked out 100% of the date details. That's not to say I don't appreciate my date's input, because I do. It's just that most women appear to be more comfortable with allowing the man to decide.

If a guy were to ask the girl he's dating what she wanted to do each and every time they went out, he'd drive her crazy. Believe me, I know: I behaved in exactly that manner during my early relationship days (due to having followed this wretched advice), and was bluntly told (by more than one girlfriend) to "start wearing your big boy pants," "stop being a 'mama's boy,'" and to "grow a pair."

3.) "Work Hard." If I could go back in time and change just one thing, it'd be to not work (anywhere near) as hard as I did during my young adult years. I unnecessarily expended a tremendous amount of precious life energy, and I very much regret it..

But back when mom was growing up, "working hard" was great advice: you started "at the bottom" with a big company, gradually "moved up the ladder," and--as long as you worked hard and remained loyal to them--they would in turn never fire you, consistently increase your pay, provide you with excellent benefits, and even make large contributions to your retirement pension. Back then, most full-time jobs in America were sufficient to raise a family, own a home, a car, and raise several children--and spouses were typically able to stay at home with the kids!

Those days are of course long, long gone. Companies are now loyal only to themselves, and employee loyalty is too a thing of the distant past. It's, sadly, a dog-eat-dog world out there, and it's every person for him or herself.

Working hard will still enable someone to quickly climb the corporate ladder, but the full-on efforts given are rarely worth the hard fought for rewards reaped. Burning out looms largely on the horizon, and when you're constantly performing at a very high level--well then, the only way to proceed from there is down, right?

"Work smart" is what mom should have advised!

4.) "Pick one thing and stick with it" makes no sense at all. Sure, if I had stuck with my high school and college trumpet lessons up until the present day, I'd likely be a virtuoso, highly respected, and well-paid classical musician. But at the expense of what...never having discovered my singing voice? Never having developed my writing talent? Never having ventured into the world of business? Never having discovered bicycling, hiking, volunteering, or public speaking? Life would be considerably more boring had I listened to mom about this!

5.) "Cold weather (and rain) will make you sick" is obviously erroneous advice. What in the world was mom thinking when she gave it?!

The Five Most Hurtful Things (That Women Have Ever Said To Me)

2015-05-06T23:34:00.001-07:00

When guys "slam" each other, it's to be expected. Par for the course. It's just something that bros do from time to time. Kind of like airing out the dirty laundry. But when women verbally attack us, the wounds left behind can be particularly deep and painful..

As a high school kid, my mother once observed me frantically and repeatedly changing clothes, in preparation for an amusement park outing with friends:

1.) "DAVID....you change your clothes more often than a LITTLE GIRL!"

My first "official" girlfriend (Kristi Varni) absolutely adored me; but in time, she grew weary of my then often cynical, sarcastic, and complaining ways:

2.) "Next week's your birthday, right, Dave? Well, I'm going to pick you up a cute little skirt as a present. You don't deserve to wear BIG BOY PANTS until you learn to STOP WHINING SO MUCH!"

As a young adult, I became a supervisor for a large corporation. It's safe to say that, during those times, I consistently put myself first and my crew, well...last.

GENERAL MANAGER: "Linda, you've been working for Dave for a few weeks now. How is he doing? What do you think of Dave?

3.) "I DON'T think about Dave!"

Still in my 20's, I developed a huge crush on a young woman named Kelli. I phoned her one afternoon, but upon hearing her voice, I promptly hung up (without saying anything)--tongue-tied and embarrassed. Thanks to "Star 69"--a 1990's version of Caller ID--Kelli knew it was me who called, and immediately called me back:

4.) "I know you like me, Dave! Why don't you just admit it already!? Hello? Hello?? I can't believe you...what's wrong with you......UGHHH........YOU'RE NOT A MAN!"

A pretty outside sales representative and I were not particularly seeing eye-to-eye on anything. She finally just let it all hang out, right there in front of all my co-workers:

5.) I CAN TELL YOU'RE GAY because of how much you love to CHIT-CHAT with all the other girl workers around here!

You're Not a Man!

2010-09-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

The next time you ladies get into a down-and-out shouting match with the man in your life, the chances are very good that every word you say, no matter how hurtful you intend it to be, will go in one of his ears and then leave swiftly out the other.

But allow me to let you in on a little secret: There's one very simple sentence you can state (or scream at the top of your lungs, if you're so inclined) that is guaranteed to silence him--and possibly even cause irreversible damage to his spirit, soul, and psyche. So please never utter these four words unless you're 100 percent ready and able to possibly make do without him for the rest of your life:

YOU'RE NOT A MAN!!

And yes, I admit it: I've had that phrase said to me. Once, back in the 90's...and I'm still not completely over it.

Her name was Kelli Lenox, a cute 19-year-old brunette with long straight hair and a delightful smile. I was a reasonably handsome 26-year-old "up-and-comer" who should have been able to lure that youthful and slightly naive girlie towards me without much of a problem, right?

Wrong!

We got along well and had lots of meaningful conversations; but like so many immature guys, I tried to force a relationship with her. And, of course, that approach never works--and everything just went downhill from there:

-- I became insanely jealous whenever I saw her talking with other guys,
-- I called her way too often, and...
-- I was simply trying too hard overall, a huge turn-off for females of all ages.

So, one day while I was behaving like a complete wuss towards her over the phone, Kelli finally got fed up with my weak ways and roared those four wicked words at me, making it crystal-clear that I had a better chance of striking it rich with my crumpled-up California Lotto ticket than I had of ever hooking up with the likes of her.

And then, a couple weeks after that humiliating telephone screamfest, she started dating my best friend Stuart--who, by the way, treated her like crap and frequently called her "Smelli." They've been married close to 10 years now.

But you know what? She was right and did me a huge favor by forcing me to realize the fact that, although I looked like an adult man on the outside, on the inside I was nothing more than a little boy who had yet to learn how to read a woman's emotions and body language.

So to Kelli Lenox I fondly say, "thank you for showing me the way." And to all you other ladies who have taken the time to read this little yarn, I say: Now you have the ultimate weapon in your "arsenal of words" to use the next time you get into a serious shouting match with that lucky "man" in your life!

The 10 Stupidest Things a Single Person Can Do

2010-09-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

There's so many people doing the same stupid things over and over again, that it's about time somebody did something about it (like compile a "stupid list"), in order to help these otherwise stable individuals eventually learn how to better lead a safe and trouble-free life.

I call this a list for "single people" only because I can't speak from the perspective of a married person. However, I suspect that most of these entries apply just as appropriately to married folks.

And I'm not including seemingly obvious stuff here such as "drinking too much," "gambling too much," and "using illegal drugs," because most people who participate in those types of vices are suffering from genuine addiction, and ought to seek the help of qualified professionals who can guide them into better fulfilling their life's true purpose.

Also, this list is in no particular order:

1.) Texting While Driving
There's already been way too many innocent men, women, and children killed because of all the stupid and impatient people who simply can't wait until they get to their destination to "text someone back." C'mon, now--get a clue!

2.) "Drinking and DIALING"
If you've had more than 3 alcoholic drinks, DO NOT CALL OR TEXT any past, present, or future love interests! You'll inevitably regret it, so don't say I didn't warn you.

3.) Getting Into A Fight
Too many people don't realize that "simply" getting into a fight can lead to your being charged with Assault and/or Battery! You can wind up in jail for weeks on a first offense. And don't forget that that misdemeanor or felony charge will stay on your record for many years to come. So, if you truly feel that you can't go through life without hitting another human being, then go join a gym and legitimately train to become a boxer or wrestler.

4.) Selling Drugs
If you have sold, are selling, or plan to sell illegal drugs in the future--then I hope you drop dead RIGHT NOW. Just think for a minute of all the lives that have been completely ruined by all the pathetic losers who are guilty of committing this senseless crime against humanity.

5.) Telling Someone You Love Him/Her Before the 20th Date (or so)
There's such a thing as "puppy love," and this entry of course doesn't apply to that innocent state of youthful bliss. But for an adult to utter the words "I love you" too soon in a relationship is just about the quickest way to end that relationship.

6.) Going On A Diet
Save your money, because diets don't work. Just stop eating when you're full, and get your butt off the couch to exercise most days of the week. Not everyone is meant to be skinny--genetics have more to do with your physical shape than anything else. But if you clearly are morbidly obese, then consider undergoing gastric bypass surgery. It almost always works.

7.) Tailgating
Don't tailgate other motorists. You won't get to your destination any sooner, and if the driver in front of you decides to be a jerk and slams on his/her brakes, then guess what? When you likely crash into that vehicle, you will automatically be considered "at fault" and you can kiss your reasonable car insurance rates goodbye for a long, long time!

8.) Opening Email Attachments From Sources You Don't Know
This entry may seem obvious to most of you computer literate folks, but many online "newbies" don't realize that this is the easiest and most common way to pick up a nasty hacker-virus that could thoroughly destroy your computer.

9.) Getting Married/Having A Baby Before You're Ready
This one's obvious. Experience life and live a little before taking the lifelong step of getting married and having children. Remember, that once you have kids you can never truly "go back."

10.) Not Taking Your Credit Score Seriously
Whether you like it or not, your credit score virtually defines who you are. You cannot legitimately "live the good life" without possessing a high credit score--that's a fact. And if you're 21 years of age or older and don't know approximately what your credit score is, then shame on you. For being pretty stupid, that is.

Every Single Girl Wants a Bad Boy

2010-08-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a provable experiment: Ask any single girl what she's looking for in a male, and 4 out of 5 times she'll answer you with these three little words:
"A nice guy."

But she would be lying to you, because a "nice guy" is pretty much the second-to-LAST type of male she's looking for. The last type being, of course, a "smelly guy."

What women really want are "bad boys." Just think about it for a minute. When was the last time you ever even heard of a nice guy hooking up with girls as if he were the last man on earth? Isn't it always the kind of rough-looking-player-who-doesn't-give-a-flying-flip-about-anyone-but-himself type who always has his pick of the ladies?

Yes it is. So guys, when it comes to the subject of "how to treat girls," forget all about what your mama taught you and QUIT BEING SO NICE TO WOMEN. THEY WON'T TRUST YOU WITH THAT APPROACH AND YOU'LL JUST WIND UP SCARING MOST OF THEM AWAY!

Of course, there are times when you absolutely must be nice to the ladies--like at work and at school, for example. Because you might end up in a heap of trouble if they complain to your boss or teacher about you. That's one of the reasons why workplace romances hardly ever work out.

But getting back to this "bad boy phenomenon." There are 3 reasons why women adore this kind of a man:

1.) They think that, through the power of their love, they can somehow change a bad boy into a gentleman.

(Unbelievably SILLY, but true. And the more Disney movies they watched as little girls, the more they're inclined to believe that this impossible task is indeed possible.)

2.) They just feel safer with a bad boy because nice guys tend to be effeminate, wimpy, and spineless.

(Which is a reason I totally agree with, because of all the lunatic predators out there who are more likely to attack a woman than a man.)

And...
3.) They find bad boys to be exciting, and nice guys to be way too freaking BORING!

("Girls just wanna have fun," right?)

But what do all of you think of these observations? Are my ideas completely wrong? I know there are exceptions to every rule, but in my experience women tend to think of nice guys pretty much the same way they do their other "girlfriends:" They're basically just a shoulder to cry on after their latest bad boy crush has once again walked all over them and broken their tender little hearts!

15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE

2010-07-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Several nights ago, I was watching a program entitled "100 Things That Make a Man UNDATEABLE," and surprisingly, I was only guilty of violating 3 items from that list: wearing "dad jeans," wearing "double-denim," and wearing "too much cologne."

However, the show was intriguing not only because it enabled me to considerably increase my knowledge of the female mind; but because it forced me to wonder whether or not that program's trash-talkin' ladies were aware that we men also adhere to our own lists of "things that make women undateable."

Of course, no man's "undateable list" is going to be exactly alike--for example, there's no way I can think of 100 things that would deem a woman completely undateable--but I'm confident that this short list of 15 female dating faux pas will resonate strongly in the hearts and minds of most straight, single men.

But before I share this list, I want to make it clear that these observations are based solely on my own (many years of) dating experience--and certainly not on any type of scientific research or polling. In fact, the only "research" I did was to write down every single terrible dating experience I have ever endured (a list of about 25 items), and then whittled those items down into a "final 15." I've also organized this list in descending order, with the most forgivable "sin" listed as #15, and the least forgivable as #1.

So, without further introduction, here is my original list of 15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE:

15.) Imposing your religious beliefs.
Look, I love and am in awe of God--and I'm certainly humbled by the many blessings in my life--but I sure don't believe in imposing my own religious beliefs on others. And if my date attempts to do so upon me, then she can forget about being asked out on any future dates.

14.) Wearing "granny panties."
Ladies, whether it's on date #1 or on date #10, we're probably going to eventually see each other's undergarments. PLEASE don't wear plain, big, thick GRANNY PANTIES if the possibility of such a viewing even remotely exists!

PLEASE stick with bikini or thong (or anything lacy and cute, really) styled undies. But seriously, just always remember: No matter how pretty a woman happens to be, almost all men are completely turned-off if she's wearing granny panties.

13.) Texting or taking personal phone calls while on a date.
This has got to be one of the rudest (and most common) of all dating blunders. It's OK to do if urgent business happens to come up during a date--but for the rest of you ladies: IGNORE THOSE CELL PHONES! If a man is nice enough to ask you out, spends some of his hard-earned cash on you--and then tries his hardest to be a gentleman in your presence, then doesn't he at least deserve your undivided attention?

On the other hand, though, if you happen to be the one paying for the date, then feel free to chat, text, and post away to your heart's delight...

12.) Wearing your hair too short.
I realize that the "man-cut" has become popular with some ladies these days, but consider this: How would you feel if your date, on a whim, bleached his long hair blonde and began wearing it like Britney Spears? Well, that's about how we feel whenever we see the "man-cut" on a woman.

I don't know of any straight man who likes it when he's dating a girl who sports this type of hairstyle. Sure, we will compliment you on it, because we realize that you put a lot of effort (and most likely spent a lot of money) on your "man cut"--but deep down NONE of us find it attractive. Google a list of the "10 most beautiful women." Are any of the ladies listed sporting a "man-cut?" NO!

11.) Having ugly feet.
In case you haven't noticed, men notice womens' feet. Why? I have no idea. It's just something we do. So if you choose to have those bare "dawgs" out there for the whole world to see, then they should probably be looking reasonably attractive.

Of course, I realize that not all ladies have the time (nor the resources) to sport toes and soles that are in 24/7 great shape; but if they happen to be in below-par condition on the night of your date, then please put on a pair of closed-toe shoes and keep those feet way out of sight.

10.) Having too many tattoos.
There are some men who don't mind this look, but many of us hate it. Why? Because we don't want people to think we're dating some bizarre, way off-the-grid hippie-chick. Plus, women who are covered with tattoos are just plain scary-looking. Some tats are cool, though--just please don't overdo it.

9.) Having too many muscles.
I have never known a straight man who is into bodybuilder women. Who wants to date a girl who has the body of a man? Not me.

8.) Being "pleasantly plump" and trying to fit into clothing that is way too tight.
Many men are attracted to women who are "pleasantly plump," but have you seen some of these plus-sized ladies who try to squeeze themselves into clothing that is wayyy too tight?

If you haven't, then just look around any Walmart, Target, Big Lots, etc.--because these types of severe fashion disasters are going on there (and at many other places) all the time. I'm always reminded of a giant burrito whenever in the presence of the worst offenders.

7.) Being too masculine.
Women in the workplace are the equals of men, and should therefore act assertively whenever is necessary. But in the complex world of dating, women who are too aggressive and tend to act overtly masculine are usually overlooked when it comes to being the object of a straight man's affection.

And it's for the exact same reasons why virtually all females avoid dating feminine-acting men: It's just the nature of the universe.

6.) Asking for loans.
There are plenty of weak-minded males who are suckers for these types of obnoxious requests; but whenever a woman I've been dating asks me for a "loan," the dating abruptly ends and no loan is issued. Maybe it's a pride thing. Or maybe I'm simply cheap. But mostly it just makes me wonder why the girl is even dating me in the first place.

5.) Being the ex of a good friend or family member.
There's such a thing as a Gentleman's Code of Honor--in fact, I'll probably blog about it one day--and this particular item is near the top of that list. I don't care how sweet, beautiful, or even wealthy the woman is--I refuse to reduce myself to dating the ex of a good friend, or the ex of a family member. It just doesn't feel right, almost like dating a family member--YIKES!

4.) Having halitosis.
If a woman with whom I'm out on a date has nasty bad breath, I may finish out the evening, but there will never be another date.

3.) Having a highly noticeable cold sore.
Too risky. Sorry, but I don't walk on the wild side...at least not to this extent.

2.) Having B.O.

1.) Doing illegal drugs/drinking too much.   Women who partake in illegal drugs, intentionally exceed the prescribed (or recommended) dosage of legal drugs, or who consistently drink too much alcohol, are all suffering from some form of mental illness--and probably from brain damage too.

If this is you, then I would certainly be your friend; and, if you chose to seek professional help, do all that I can to "be there for you"--but there's no way in the world I would date you. Get yourself together first, learn to love yourself, and then you can think about making someone else happy.

So there you have it, my own non-scientific and personal list of 15 things that make a woman undateable. And as unfair as this listing may appear, I have actually encountered each of these dreadful faux pas (some ladies were actually multiple offenders)--and each time one of them occurred, my romantic attraction to the girl in question went nearly to zilch. So, unfair or not--for me anyways, this list is absolutely 100% real.

But what do you think--am I being too harsh here? Which items are the most unfair? Should I have left some items out? Are there items not listed that should have been included? How long would your list be?

Stalkers

2010-07-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's humiliating to know that, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, EIGHTY SEVEN percent of all stalkers are men!

Men. Can you believe that? I have a hard doing so, because stalking seems like such an effeminate thing to do. I mean, "not being able to let go" and "pining for someone you can't have" seem about as girly as strawberry lip gloss, late-night pillow fights, and choosing between Team Jacob and Team Edward.

The way I see it, these weirdo stalker-dudes just don't have the slightest clue as to what goes on inside a woman's head. So, allow me to give these non-men a quick remedial lesson on the subject of...

How a Woman Chooses a Potential Date:

1.) If an available female smiles at you and makes eye contact, she's interested--at least in some way, shape, or form. If you smile back and say "hello," while taking it kind of slowly and NEVER appearing too eager, you'll have a chance of eventually obtaining her phone number.

2.) If a female doesn't smile nor at least makes eye contact with you, move on to another girl. You have a better chance of finding a $100 dollar bill in the middle of the street than you do of hooking up with a girl who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

But the deal with these low-life stalkers is that they're so lonely, needy, and pathetic, they'll do anything to get into a relationship. And if that line of thinking isn't adolescent and girly, then I don't know what is.

Now, it's perfectly normal for a man to give in to his girlfriend's desire to enter into a serious commitment because he very much enjoys her company (and doesn't want to lose her to some other guy), but in the normal state of the universe, it's the woman who initiates this type of long-term commitment and not the man!

In other words: LADIES, BEWARE of any "man" who appears way too eager to jump-start a relationship with you, because this type of male is exactly the type of weirdo who potentially has what it takes to one day evolve into your own personal STALKER!

And just one last word of advice to the stalkers: If you simply behave like a man, look as best you can with what you've got, and never try to force a bond between you and the girl of your dreams, then there stands a good chance that she'll at least wonder what it would be like to date you--along with many other observant ladies who respect and adore your "real man" perspective of the world. Now that's nature the way she intended it to be!

Lesbians

2010-05-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

We straight, single men could learn a lot from lesbians. But before I get into the specifics of all that, allow me to state that I have, over the course of the past 20 or so years, FAILED to hook-up with approximately 12 potential girlfriends due to the finely-honed courtship skills of lesbians!

And that's no exaggeration: In head-to-head hooking-up competition, I have been thoroughly beaten by lesbians due to 3 distinct reasons:

The first reason is: Lesbians rarely give up on the chase. They persist until they've either:

A.) Melted the heart of the object of their affection, OR...
B.) Been angrily told to "LEAVE ME ALONE before I
file a sexual harassment lawsuit against you!" Again,
by the object of their affection...

The second reason is: Lesbians aren't nearly as concerned as straight men are about appearing "girly."

Because, after all, they're GIRLS, right? So, most don't think twice about texting/calling the damsel of their dreams, say, 75-100 times a day. Or they might even pop into their dream girl's place of employment every single freakin' day just to say "HI."

Now keep in mind that if I were to behave in a similar manner towards my current crush, I would be labeled as "too needy," "too desperate," and "way too girly!" So you see, there's absolutely no way for me to match these blatant displays of homosexual affection because, at the end of the day, just about every woman secretly loves to be showered with attention, regardless of the source!

And last but not least: How can I possibly hope to go toe-to-toe with a lesbian when it comes to knowing a woman's pleasure zones? Obviously, that would be an impossible challenge because I don't have "access to the equipment" 24 hours a dang day like a lesbian has!

Look, all I'm trying to say here is that I truly admire lesbians because they apparently know how to fulfill all of a woman's needs much better than I. But each time I lose a potential girlfriend to a lesbian, I get a little bit wiser to their skills.

I get a little bit wiser each time.

How Metrosexuals Are Ruining My Game!

2010-04-27T00:19:00.000-07:00

Beware, Ladies! Because at first glance this relatively new breed of a man may closely resemble your long-cultivated image of a Mr. Right: He dresses well and has an overrall slick sense of style, he doesn't mind spending long hours with you shopping at the outlet mall, and he even cries right alongside you during all your favorite romantic comedies...

He's probably not gay--but he may not be entirely straight, either. He's a metrosexual, and he (along with many others like him) just so happen to be ruining my time-tested "strong and silent type" methods of attracting women.

For example: Where I may spend weeks flirting with a girl before I even consider making any type of a serious move, these guys are confessing their love for the female object of their affections within the first few minutes of their very first conversation together! And more and more women are falling for this flaky approach, and kicking the more traditional rap of a man's man out onto the nearest curb...

C'mon now, girls. Do you really want to be with a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than you do? Or who chit-chats and gossips right alongside you, just like one of your girlfriends? And do you really want a guy who calls you 37 times a day just because he wants to say "hi" or "I love you??"

Just consider the terrible experience my 30-year old friend Stacy (a gal I was pursuing using my "old school" methods) had with one of these card-carrying metrosexuals (Alex) earlier this year:

January, 2010: Stacy complains to me how Alex is more
or less stalking her and calls her dozens of
times each day...

February, 2010: On Valentine's Day, Alex confesses his
love for Stacy and showers her with balloons, candies, and long stem roses. All before they've even had a first date! It apparently worked, though, because they became "official" just a few days later...

March, 2010: Stacy begins to tell me about all the feminine characteristics Alex (now her boyfriend) is starting to display: Like crying during the Academy Awards, inputting little hearts on all his texts and emails to her, and letting her always decide where they will go on dates...

April, 2010: Stacy becomes convinced that Raymond is either bisexual or a closet homosexual and dumps him. He of course sobs like a baby and threatens to kill himself. Don't worry, though. She called the authorities and he eventually got over it.

But what fully bummed me out about this entire ordeal (from Valentine's Day until the first week in April) was that Alex, despite his pathetic game, was participating in all those wonderful activities in which boyfriends participate with their girlfriends. And all I have to show for this time period are the memories of countless late night phone calls from Stacy regarding all her relationship problems!

So that's my rant. Are women these days so impatient that they don't have time to participate in the traditional art of flirtation? Is being completely in touch with our feminine sides really how we men are expected to behave in order to attract single females?

What's a real man to do in this peculiar, gender-swapping Era of the Metrosexual Male?

The Secret Power of Women

2010-04-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed, women notice everything.

In fact, I have no idea why I even bother buying mirrors anymore, because every flaw in my appearance is usually immediately noticed by the closest female in my path.

I think they're born with this secret power, too, because even my friend Zelda's 11-year old daughter recently asked me "Dave, did you forget to shave this morning? 'Cuz all that hair on your face makes you look OLD!"

And that's just the beginning of my troubles, because it seems that I'm constantly interracting with women who are in possession of this Secret Power: Whether it's the ladies who live on my street, the women at the post office, the girls who hire me for karaoke parties, or the females shopping at the grocery store...

...many of these females point out all the little things that are wrong with my "look": When my colors don't match, when my shirts are too tight (making me look like a stuffed burrito), or too loose (making me look enormous), or even when my shirt has the tiniest little stain; when my socks aren't pulled up all the way, when my shoes are all wrong, or when my haircut is bad, and on and on and on...

Can you imagine the pressure this Secret Power of theirs places on a comparatively clueless bachelor such as myself?

But I refuse to continue fighting Mother Nature in this futile manner, for I now finally realize that I'll never be able to notice everything that a woman notices.

So, now that spring is officially here, here's my plan of action: When I eventually get around to shopping for spring & summer clothing, I will take a WOMAN with me so that I can hold her responsible for any part of my wardrobe that is even the slightest bit wrong!

But who am I trying to fool? I know that, because I will be following the style advice of a female, I will be better dressed this spring than I have been during my entire life!

There's just one part of this Secret Power that I can't figure out, though: When a married woman buys clothes for her husband, is her goal to make him look as good as possible, or to make him look as undesirable to other women as possible?

The Four Stages of Manhood

2010-03-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies, ask yourselves one question the next time your man throws a jealous fit: "Is this guy a real man or what?" Because that's the exact same question I recently had to ask an ex-girlfriend about her latest boyfriend.

"No Dave, we can't go to your New Year's Eve party. My boyfriend gets very jealous in situations like that," she said.

"Situations like what?" I asked.

"Well, you know, because you're my ex-boyfriend and all. He just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole situation," she explained.

"I don't understand. Is your boyfriend a real man or what?"

What an insecure pansy that guy must be. I mean, do you think real men like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, and Antonio Banderas get jealous when their ladies talk about or even hang out with other guys? Even if one of two of those other guys just so happen to be "ex's?"

No, they don't. Because when a man is totally secure with himself, there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous of anyone or anything. But if you're still not sure whether or not the male in your life is indeed a man, consider my Four Stages of Manhood:

Stage 1, BABY (age 0-4):
Eats, sleeps, cries, and poops. And that's about it.

Stage 2, BOY (age 5-14):
Realizes he's different from girls, but often acts feminine and still cries an awful lot. Feelings are easily hurt. Doesn't have a clue how to attract girls once he begins to notice them (at around age 12 or so), unless he's been coached by his dad or an older brother.

Stage 3, GUY (age 15-?):
If he's not ugly, dresses decent, and doesn't act too stupid, girls will notice him. Gets too attached to his crushes, though. Is prone to crying if the girl he likes doesn't "like him back." Is needy. Still acts feminine and becomes jealous rather easily. Has anger-management issues, but backs down whenever seriously confronted (usually by a real man). Plenty of ladies are attracted to this type of male early on (because he's easy to "train," seems "exciting," and is at an age when many males are at their "cutest"), but they eventually grow tired of his weak ways. Sadly, many guys never advance beyond this stage...

Stage 4, MAN (as early as age 21, and as late as NEVER):
Finally understands that he is a great catch for many, many women and therefore acts accordingly. This is the so-called Alpha-Male and is sometimes described as being the "strong, modest, and silent type." Women are attracted to him mostly because he's not needy like all the guys & boys they've dated in the past. He never gets jealous, because he is silently and acutely aware of just how much he brings to the table in a relationship. Never cries and never lies to his girl. Is there for his lady, and keeps all his promises too. If it ever came down to it, he'd even take a bullet for the girl he loves--without even blinking an eye.

So ladies, I ask you to once again consider the male in your life and ask yourselves one question: "Is this guy a real man, or what?"

How To Lose A Girl In 9 Seconds

2010-03-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

I used to wonder why so many guys contact me for “girl advice.” After all, here I am in my early 40’s, never married and never a daddy. I mean, shouldn’t the experiences of a married man with children be infinitely more useful to these love-torn, advice-seeking men than any words I might have to offer them?

Apparently not. It dawned on me that they were picking my brain precisely because I’ve never married, and because I’ve been dumped so many times, and because I’ve never had children.

To break it down further: had I married at age 20, I would currently be able to talk about my dating experiences with 5 different women (I dated 4 girls when I was aged 16-20). But now, because I’ve never been married, I can freely share my experiences of dating over 100 different girls over the past 25 years! I know that sounds like an awful lot of ladies, but it works out to only about 4 different gals per year…

So, whenever these friends and aquaintances contact me for some basic girl advice, I try to explain that most women have similar needs and wants, and that men will be successful in their pursuit of them if they just remember to not do 9 things. Because doing any of these 9 things will cause a girl to bid you sayonara in about 9 seconds or less! Well, maybe not right there in front of you, but certainly in her heart, soul, and mind.

And let me also mention that this list is intended only for us average looking guys. If you look like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson and guys like that, then you can basically get away with just showing up for the date and still get yourself fawned over. Dang pretty boys!

Mistake #1: Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend.
Especially in the beginning, because right away it lets her know that you like her and want to go out with her, and may already want to be her boyfriend! Girls thrive on men who are both a mystery and a “challenge,” so by flat-out asking her this question you’ve ceased to be both. And by asking her this question you’ve already given her all the power, even before the first date–which I doubt will ever even occur by using this approach.

Mistake #2: Don’t act too nice.
Which kind of girl do you prefer: One who acts sweet or one who acts tough? Dumb question, right? You like the sweet-acting girl because she acts feminine. So, why do so many GUYS act feminine when encountering the girl of their dreams? Very few women are attracted to feminine-acting men! Act like a man, for heaven’s sake — that is, if you ever plan on becoming more than the dreaded “just friends” with her.

Mistake #3: Don’t be “friends first.”
This is a ploy that lots of guys use and it is a HUGE waste of time. Once in a great while (mostly in romance novels) friends become lovers. Well, guess what? You probably have a better chance of being struck by lighting than you do of this phenomenon ever happening to you. Once a girl sees you as being just like another one of her girlfriends, it’s pretty much impossible for her to imagine you as ever becoming her knight in shining armor. Get the picture? Good.

Mistake #4: Never ogle her body with your eyes.
This seems like obvious advice, but you’d be surprised at how many guys carry on a conversation with a girl they like and spend more time looking at her body than into her eyes! When you behave in this manner, a first date is pretty much out of the question. Think like a girl for a minute: Especially if she doesn’t know you all that well, she may consider the dreadful possibility of your trying to rape her on a first date!

Mistake #5: Don’t talk too much.
Being chatty and overly-expressive of your feelings is acceptable with friends, family, and some co-workers; but when it comes to dating, most women prefer the “strong and silent type.”

Mistake #6: Don’t ASK a girl for a date.
When you ask a girl on a date, it just sets you up for failure. Most women are pre-wired to resist in the same way that most men are pre-wired to pursue. So, replace “Would you like to?,” and ”Do you wanna?,” with “Let’s” and “We should.” This takes a load of pressure off her and also shows her that you’re a take-charge kind of guy.

Mistake #7: Don’t make a move on the first date.
Remember, women like mystery and a challenge, so by making a move on the first date you’ve ruined both those ideals for her. Plus, on a first date you should be getting to know each other in a light-hearted atmosphere (lunch, coffee, a walk in the park, etc.). When in doubt, simply remember to always be a gentleman on that first date!

Mistake #8: Don’t stare at other girls or take phone calls when out with her.
I feel silly for even having to even mention these faux pas, but many women will tell you just how common this type of behavior really is!

Mistake #9: Don’t tell her you love her until you’re practically ENGAGED!
So many things have to happen in just the right order for a meaningful relationship to develop between a man and a woman. And telling the girl of your dreams “I love you” is just about LAST on that list. You see, woman know that men are capable of uttering these three little words without actually meaning what they say–so when you finally do say them, she’ll have known it in her heart for many months, simply by your actions leading up to the confession.

Pursuing the “Girl of your Dreams” is hard work, but by focusing on what not to do, you’ll have a much better chance of ultimately earning her affections. I can pretty much assure you that, unless the girl in question already likes you, violating any of these 9 mistakes will ruin any chance you have of ever becoming her man.

And also, make sure the object of your affections is actually worthy of all your efforts, because it takes A LOT of time and energy to go after a girl you like. I have to admit that I’m pretty tired of the whole game. So from now on, I think I’ll only date girls who I know are interested in me. How can I tell when a girl likes me? It’s EASY, for crying out loud–but I’ll save that information for a future post…