The Bachelor Update

To bone or not to bone?

2013-07-29T22:43:00.000-04:00

Picture it. Antigua. Three men. One woman. Four people. Yet only three people in love. Small issue.

First date goes to Drew. It's so boring I literally can't handle it. I mean, he's sexy, so kind, smart, yadda yadda. She's also faking it with him. They explore the island, eat some pineapple, and plan to have a waterfront dinner on the beach. It's rained out, so they head to the Fantasy Suite earlier than planned. He tells her he loves her multiple times, she responds with smiles. She's secretly thinking, "How many more minutes until the next date." After Drew accepts the invitation to stay in the Fantasy Suite, they start kissing with a piece of chocolate cake between them on the bed. Totally normal. End scene.

Cut to a pensive Brooks, heading to Boise to chat with his family about the fact that ~~he doesn't love Desiree~~ he's nervous about the Fantasy Date and that their relationship has had up and down moments. The idea of proposing makes him uncomfortable. (Sidenote, proposing to a woman on a TV show after three dates is COMPLETELY ABNORMAL, but whatever, why isn't he madly in love with her? Is something wrong with him - slash - totally right?) Mom and sister give him the advice to be honest with himself. Fast forward to him ~~coming out of the closet~~ likely causing some drama later in the episode.

Back in Antigua, Chris meets Des, who is awkwardly dressed like a Caribbean Sacajawea Native American Barbie Princess. They hop in a helicopter to explore the island. They roll around on the beach and make out in the waves a la 1980s Chris Isaak music videos. Later, they share a romantic dinner where they chat about the future. Chris tells Desiree about life in Seattle and how he pictures sharing his life with her there, in a cute little house on the water. So apparently he has a cool two mil to drop on said cute house...so there's that. Des answers that she's open to moving there, and they kiss about it. Des offers up the Fantasy Suite card, and Chris obviously says yes. Because he has another poem to share with her, duh. They go swimming and totally make out more.

The next day is the dreaded Brooks + Desiree impending disaster. Brooks arrives to Antigua, and instead of first chatting with Desiree, he talks to Chris Harrison. Let's be honest, any touch base with Chris is not going to end well. Basically, like a typical guy, Brooks can't voice his words. But Chris coaches out of Brooks the feeling that Desiree is not the love of his life.

Meanwhile, Des gets ready for her romantic date on a boat with Brooks, the love of her life. Brooks arrives and Des is SO EXCITED. Brooks, on the other hand, is not feeling so hot. And he walks her to a dock where he breaks up with her. It's a slight disaster, and she totally melts down. And then he melts down, and there are tears everywhere. But then? Desiree tells Brooks she loves him. Cue more tears. And an amazing dramatic underscore. Frankly, I wish there were more subtitles during the crying scenes. Especially when Desiree tells him that she's never felt loved. Sad. So I poured more wine. But the worst part? When Brooks asked why she was conflicted about other relationships, and she told him it was because she was saving her heart for him and holding back from everyone else. Sadness. Then they part ways and both bawl their eyes out. If he was truly not in to her, would he be this emotional?

Worse than her heartbreak, is the fact that I'm going to be in London next week when the finale airs. #firstworldproblems

Prediction: she ends up with someone. Prediction two: said someone has to deal with incredibly awkward moments for the rest of his life.

Until next week (ish)...

Down home

2013-07-15T20:42:00.001-04:00

It's hometown date week! First stop: Dallas. City of dreams. And fake boobs and big hair. Speaking of plastic, she's there to meet Zak. First up: she meets Zak in a park where he drives up the family snow cone truck, because that's normal. Then, a pre-coordinated group of 82 school children show up for snow cones so America's sugar-craved obesity epidemic can continue to spread through the flat lands of north Texas. Hooray! Also, she's forced to make all the snow cones just like a good woman should. A bit weird when she said the six-foot-tall penguin was her boyfriend, but whatever.

After snow cone fest, the lovebirds head to meet Zak's family. They pull in to meet mom, dad, brother Denton, and sister Carly. Okay, fine, I'll admit it. All three kids are good looking and it's annoying. Where's the ugly one? Then they sit down to a lovely lunch where they're positioned awkwardly to face the camera. His skinny little mom is positively adorable, and she tells Des to look for that "spark." Sister is also a cutie. Later, Zak sits down with Mom and he really opens up. It's really cute. And then...Zak gets the family together to sing a love song to Des. What could have been a complete disaster, was nicely avoided. His sister and brother (ish) have nice little voices. Des totally cries and it's awesome. After he fully melts her, Zak gives her a ring he bought to symbolize his love. Then he tells her he loves her. It's amazing. Is he shooting into front runner territory? Or is he the guy who gets screwed after the best hometown date of the season?

Next up: Scottsdale, home of Drew. First, they visit his disabled sister, Melissa. Taking a quick break from being bitchy and banter-y, let me admit that there is a special place in this world for siblings of impaired people. He is so kind, and so sweet. After they meet Melissa, they head home to meet the siblings and the parents. They sit down for dinner, and the table has five bottles of wine on it. Do I love this family, or what? Mom and Drew sit down first. Drew tells her about how she makes him feels, and it's cute. Next, Dad tells Desiree that Melissa, their special daughter, is an angel and it's super emotional and honest and heartfelt. Both Mom and Dad give Drew their blessing.

When they say goodbye, Drew tells Melissa he loves her (like five times), and it's pretty cute. I wanted to gauge Des's reaction, but then she started sucking his face. Is that telling?

Next stop: McMinnville, OR. Home of Chris. Totes adorbs. They first head to play baseball. Apparently Chris is a closet athlete, and he has a killer swing. The best part, though, is that she can also hit the ball. He falls in love with her 12 more times. Unfortunately, Chris is wearing bootcut jeans. UGH. But whatever.

Later, they head to to Chris's parents' house, where is becomes apparent that Chris is the hot kid. His sisters are cute, but sometimes...well...Chris is just cuter than the others. Then, in the middle of dinner, dad walks Des downstairs to give her a chiropractic adjustment. I mean...slightly awkward, but whatever. What was awkward was the nose adjustment he gave Chris because we could see his boogers. Later, Mom chats with Des. I wouldn't say she's particularly warm...but it's not bad. But then she tells Chris that he has everyone's blessing because they really like Chris. Mom is super emotional, which is good stuff. Chris, like the other boys, also loves Des. Chris is still in the running, y'all.

Last up: Salt Lake City, home of the Mormons and Brooks. Immediately, Brooks expresses doubt because he's struggling with sharing Des with three other guys. Again, totally normal. They go canoeing in a city park, and take on water at one point. Then, they go to meet the largest family in the history of the universe...I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they live in Utah. They are cute, however. They all sit down for a HUGE family dinner with no wine, which is awkward. The siblings all seem really into marriage and stuff, so it's a bit intense. Mom is pretty cute too, and Brooks clearly seeks her approval. Mom gives her blessing, as does everyone else. Cute...rather uneventful...but cute. No "I love you" from Brooks, but does that matter? Good god, I hope not.

Last step: The Return of Psycho Brother, the guy who ruined Sean's chances with Desiree. Apparently they haven't seen each other since the last dreaded run-in...so six months later, here we are again. Hold please, can we please discuss Des's family? I wish I understood their odd dynamic. Is it something anyone would like to marry in to? No thank you.

Before the rose ceremony, Des meets with Chris. Am I the only one that missed the fact that she openly loves Brooks and talks about how she wants him? What the hell did I miss? Because I just don't see it.

Roses go to:

Brooks
Chris
Drew

Byeee: Zak. Kinda thought it'd be Drew. Wow. His goodbye was awkardly emotional and raw, which sent my cynical heart into a tailspin.

Best hometown date: Zak. Great family.
Worst dress: Des's skeleton suit dress.
Weirdest hometown moment: nothing. Crap. These families were too normal!
Best creeper move: Des's brother secretly watching the guys arrive at the hotel. Was he awaiting his meth dealer, or actually scoping out the guys?

Until next week,

Mike

Portugal, the date.

2013-07-09T22:47:00.002-04:00

FYI this update is going to be short because I'm busy and important and this show is stupid.

This episode takes us to the Portugese coast. There are four dates. But first, former Bachelorette contestants join Des at a poolside gab session where they ogle the guys and talk dirty talk. Catherine (of Sean and Catherine) pretends that her relationship with Sean isn't a complete disaster, and it's amazing.

The first date is with Brooks. They drive a Smart car up and down the coast. They end up on some random cliff in the clouds and make out. Later, they have romantic dinner on a rooftop. We'll ignore the fact that gay Brooks is wearing a HEINOUS striped cardigan, over a wide-collared denim shirt and a black undershirt.

Next date goes to Chris. They go out in the ocean on a ridiculous yacht. They rub each other down with sunblock, take in the sun, yadda yadda yadda. Later, they walk on the "ridges" of some random hill, and share wine and bites. He also reads her another poem. Eek. Then they put the poem in a wine bottle and throw it in the ocean. Did anyone else notice Chris's hot legs? Later, at dinner, they open up even more. Des says she wants three kids, and Chris says the same. Then he reads her ANOTHER poem. Chris. Really? I can't. My favorite part, though? After 18 seasons, I still can't get over the non-response when contestants tell the bachelor/bachelorette that they love them.

Date number three goes to Michael. They have a date and then they have dinner. I think they went go-carting, but who really cares? At dinner, she's over it and there's no connection. He also talks about his ex-girlfriend and his break-up. He opens up and shares his growing feelings, and she basically non-reacts. Poor Michael.

The last date is the two-on-one with Drew and Zak. The ride race cars and stuff. After they ride together, the two boys race each other. Later, they share snacks in the romantic center of the go cart track. Next, Zak gets some one-on-one time with Des. He drew her a book of sketches outlining their relationship--starting with a drawing of his abs. Amazing. Next up, Drew. They sit on tires and share their feelers with each other. Then they kiss. Chris gets the rose (pinned to the center collar of his henley). Zak is stunned. Then they cheers (?!?!?!) all together. So supes awk.

Roses go to:

Drew
Brooks
Chris
Zak

Byeeeeeeeeeeee: Michael. Best of luck in Florida.

Awards:

Best calves: Chris.
Worst popped collar (OF A BLAZER): Chris

Until next week,

Mike

Yodelayyyyy Heeee Hooooooo!

2013-06-24T22:11:00.001-04:00

Let's be honest. I'm in between two work trips and I just can't spare two hours of my life to watch this garbage. That said, I was able to spare about an hour to cram this mess into my busy and important schedule. Because I love you all so much, obviously.

Episode #5 takes place in Munich, Germany. Fun! Spricken zeeeeeee deutch? Or something?

Date one: one-on-one with Chris. We all know I love Chris, but does Desiree? They spend the day being cute tourists. They eat sausage, they dance to tuba bands, and they try on lederhosen. It's interrupted by Bryden, who sends himself home. Who cares? He needed a haircut anyway. Back to the date. Chris and Des share a romantic dinner where Chris shares a poem. I do hate poems, but it was super cute and she cried and did a head-grab kiss. It's serious, y'all. Head-grab kisses are legit.

Date two: group date. They start off on a mountaintop, where a yodeler serenades them. The boys then yodel to her. Eeek. They sled, they snowball fight, and they go to an igloo bar. They all share drinks, good times and yodels. The rose goes to Brooks.

Date three: the dreaded two-on-one between Michael and...GASP...Ben. They start off in a Tug Tub...A FLOATING HOT TUB. Honestly, I would die for one of these. Also, Michael and Ben are so super awkward and competitive, it's just plain awful. Later, they share dinner. Michael throws Ben under the bus about his commitment to religion and his family...it's pretty bad and Des doesn't so much appreciate it. But ultimately, Michael gets the rose. Bye to Ben.

Meanwhile, back at the manse. James apparently tells the boys that if he loses the show, he'll run the town of Chicago. If he places in the top four, he'll likely be the next bachelor. James, get a grip.

At the rose ceremony, Chris asks Des about kissing the boys. If she were to only kiss one, she would choose Brooks. Telling?

Desiree also tells us that she is 100% ready to send one guy home and she sees no need for a rose ceremony. What's best? These guys are dying to out James as a d-bag and they've lost their opportunity. Sorrrryyyyy!

Roses go to:

Chris
Brooks
Michael G.
Zak
Kasey
Juan Pablo
Drew
James

Byeeeee: Bryden and Mikey.

Awards

Front runner(s): Chris and Brooks.
Worst outfit: Des at the rose ceremony. She looks like Cruella DeVille. Oops.
Villain 2.0: James
Best quote: "James is a cancer." - Drew. Dramatic much?

Until next week,

Mike

Finding love in New Jersey. And other impossibilities.

2013-06-17T21:57:00.001-04:00

As I sit in my fancy hotel overlooking the sunset over Tampa Bay (jealous?!), I'm able to take a moment to reflect on the joy that blogging the worst television show in the history of America has brought me over the past 882 seasons of failure. Absolutely none.

Tonight's episode really departs from the norm. It's the fourth episode, which means we're changing locations. We'll also have three dates. Surprised yet? Yeah...me too. This year, our first non-LA stop is Atlantic City, NJ. Or, as I refer to it, Vegas in Jersey: where dreams (and hookers) go to die. I'd also say the same about Jersey in general, but I'll be nice and not say that this time. Oh wait...

First date goes to Brad the Dad. He's a bit quiet and reserved. Can his personality shine through and surprise us? I can only imagine how much fun an accountant can be. I'm thinking color-coded spreadsheets could be in Desiree's future, but only if she's lucky. They frolic on the boardwalk and end up at a dinner in a lighthouse to see if Brad can really carry a conversation. They have pretty much NO connection whatsoever. Nervous laughter, awkward silences, the stuff dreams are made of. After their bad dinner, they walk to the top of the lighthouse where...well...more silence ensues. And then she dumps him. Why waste the steps and breath? The weirdest part? He cries!

Next date: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Michael G., Ben, Chris. They head to a random gymnasium where they're greeted by Miss America in what seems to be a denim dress (?). We soon learn they're there to compete in a pageant: "The Bachelorette's Mr. America." In front of a live audience. Their coaches? A waify queen who is trying his best to play straight (fat [or skinny] chance, lady), and Miss America herself. In a matter of minutes, the men are in heels, skates and hula hoops trying their best to develop some sort of talent. But the real gem? The swimsuits. We have banana hammocks galore, and it's brilliant.

Now, on to the pageant. First, we start with the question portion. It's epically hilarious. Chris's answer to what he needs to work on in a relationship is taking girls to dinner more often. Mikey talks about his softer side. It's horrible. Next up: talent. Chris wears heels and plays with hula hoops; Bryden humps the sky in front of the mayor of Atlantic City; and Zak jams on the the guitar with a pretty good voice that brings Des to tears. And then the swimsuit competition. Annoyingly, ABC cuts out the majority of the speedos. Finally, we get to find out who the winner is: Kasey. He tapped, he wore red pants, and he won. Congrats, social media guy. #congrats.

Later, they wrap up with a pool party. Lucky for the boys who were in speedos for the pageant , as they were able to put on their trunks. Chris was the first to get some alone time, and he read her a cute little poem and followed up with a kiss. He was sexy in his pink trunks, and I'm pretty sure she loved it. Next up was Ben. I'm not convinced she's really in to him, and it's clear the guys are over him. Frankly, the dudes are pissed that he's alive because he's clearly the devil. The rose ends up going to Zak W., after he finished off his serenade to Des.

The last date goes to James. As opposed to an over-the-top date, the potential lovebirds get taken around the Jersey shore to survey the damage from that bitch, Hurricane Sandy...in a helicopter, of course. The damage is pretty intense, especially in Seaside Heights. My favorite was when they met the elderly couple, Manny and Jan. Their accents could not have been better. It. Was. WON-DAH-FUL. But what was cute is that Des and James gave up their date to the couple, who seemed genuinely touched. It was really cute. Manny and Jan got to go to Atlantic City in a limo, which was pretty awesome. They got to have dinner in a "fancy" room, which they found to be fabulous, and it was basically the best thing ever. Seriously...adorable. Later, they are gifted a replica of their wedding album, which was damaged in the hurricane. It was super touching and I totally cried. Ugh...

But seriously ugh...when they get serenaded at a private concert by Hootie (?!?!?!?!). No. Just no.

Meanwhile, James and Des have a casual dinner at a bar in Seaside. James admits to cheating on his college girlfriend during freshman year of college. I mean, I applaud his honestly...but from his freshman year of college? Not necessarily relevant.

At the rose ceremony, Des and Chris discuss the "friend zone." Are they there? I hope not. At the very least, they kiss and it's cute. Bryden then takes Des aside to tell him about his doubts, etc. Des tells Bryden that she wants him there, and he seems reassured a bit.

Roses go to:

Zak W.
James
Chris
Brooks
Juan Pablo
Drew
Michael G.
Ben
Kasey
Bryden
Mikey

Byeeeee: Brad and Zack.

Awards:

Hottest: I still think it's Chris.
Best speedo-wearer: Ben. It was tiny.
Most awkward gay tendencies: Brooks. Brooks, are you hiding something?
The first one to say "I'm not here to make friends": Ben.
Front runner: is there really a front runner? This week was lacking on romance.
Villain: Ben. Still Ben.

Until next week,

Mike

"Right reasons, right reasons. I'm here for the girl for all the right reasons."

2013-06-03T22:04:00.002-04:00

Okay, let's be honest. I didn't pay much attention to the first date. I was actually out at dinner, and since I'm traveling, I have no DVR. Disaster. But, here's what happened: the first date went to Brooks. The date is wedding-themed, which is quite awkward. At the end of the date, he gets a rose.

The group date features 14 dudes, most of whom I cannot yet name. The title of the date is "Who is here for the right reasons?" Hidden agenda, much? They get transported to a winery where they realize they're going to be starring in a rap video entitled "Right Reasons." Totally normal for a bunch of white dudes. ABC reeled in a real "rapper" to coach the video: Soulja Boy. Apparently he's a rapper in real life. Sidenote: Juan Pablo is wearing the red Bonobos pants we gave him on the photo shoot I managed three years ago. Totally fine. Next, a bunch of scenes in the video begin filming, and the white boys prove just how very white they are. Rhythm? No. Rhyming ability? Not so much. Dance moves? None.

Later, they have (surprise!) cocktails at some mansion. Zak (shirtless Zak from episode #1) gives Desiree a vintage journal. She's totally touched. Ben and Desiree talk about his son...duh. Let's hope there's more to Ben than his child (even though he's cute). But wait...maybe there is because he totally goes in for a juicy kiss. Meanwhile, creepy Brandon is spying on them. And then he starts almost crying (?). After their time together, Mikey confronts Ben about his "political" nature. Ben deals with it diplomatically and it's over. Or is it?

Next, Brandon gets some time with her. First up? Her vomits his entire past on her. My dad left us, my mom was a drug addict, I raised my siblings, I was a truant and I didn't raise myself. I want kids. If I'm not scaring you right now, what is your problem? Oh wait...he didn't mean that last part.

At the end of it, Ben gets the rose. Eeek...apparently the nice dad is getting a bad reputation amongst these dudes.

The next date goes to Bryden. They take a California road trip. They play in the ocean, they eat fish tacos, they go to an orange grove where they eat brie (Bryden doesn't know what it is...WHAT?!), and they end up at the Ojai Inn, where ABC underscores their entrance with the Bachelor/ette finale music. Is this foreshadowing? They share an outdoor dinner under the stars. They're both kind of nervous and cute together. He's pretty cute and comfortable with her, and something about him is seemingly honest and normal. He tells her about his horrible accident and brings out some pictures (creepy?), but she seems genuinely touched. He wraps up his story about making the most out of life, like every after school special should. He just needs a new hairdo.

The date ends in a...GASP...hot tub scene. The first of the season? YES! The only thing missing is the kiss that Bryden is clearly putting off for FAR TOO LONG. The best part: "Just kiss me already," blurted out by Desiree. Okay, that was awesome. His response: "Just go for it?" And he does. Awww...she likes him.

Back at the house, it's rose ceremony time. Michael G. gets his time with her, and he starts to tell her about his diabetes...only to be interrupted by Ben, quickly becoming the villain of the season. Yikes. Within minutes, he gets another kiss. After his time, the dudes question him in a rather heated confrontation. Mikey, the plumber, is pissed. So is Michael. Frankly, I don't think he's a bad guy...but time will tell.

Roses go to:

Brooks
Ben
Bryden
James
Kasey
Dan
Juan Pablo
Brad
Chris
Brian
Zak W.
Drew
Mikey
Zack
Michael
Brandon

Byeeeee: Will, Robert, and Nick

Awards:

Supercuts Special: Bryden. Dude needs a new 'do. You ain't in service anymore, my brother.
Frontrunner: Bryden
Villain: Ben?
Looks like a muppet: Robert. Byeeee.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. How excited are we for the first ambulance call of the season next week? And a supposed girlfriend calling out one of the bachelors? Amazing.

Tears. More tears. A shirtless dude. And other drama.

2013-05-28T21:11:00.000-04:00

It's the first episode of The Bachelorette, Season 82. This time it stars yet another Bachelor reject. This time it's Desiree, and she's the one I liked best during Sean's season. So I have high hopes.

Realization #1: Desiree cries a lot. Like during the first five minutes, before the season has even begun, Desiree has already cried five times. Grab your hankies, y'all. It's going to be a tearful ride to the top.

So we all know by now the formula. Episode One always features a few lucky guys--many of whom will stay until the end, some of whom will be short-lived.

Bryden
Will
Drew
Nick R.
Zak
Robert
Mike
Brandon

4 out of 8 were shirtless. I'd consider that a success. My predictions for who will stay around? Bryden, and Brandon. I'd give Mike and Drew a fighting chance, too.

Some highlights of the arrivals:

Mikey is a plumber. Jonathan asked Des to the fantasy suite and she full-on denied him. Zak arrived shirtless and douchey. Larry did an awkward dance move with Des and she ripped her dress. Diogo arrived as knight in shining armor. Literally. Chris got down on one knee and asked to...tie his shoe. Juan Pablo IS A BUSTED MODEL I RELUCTANTLY CAST IN A PHOTO SHOOT FOUR YEARS AGO. And Ben arrived with his adorable son Brody, who did his dirty work for him. Obviously he won.

So, on to cocktails...

First Impression Rose: surprise! It goes to Ben. Not only is he cute, he's a daddy and his cute son gave Des a rose.

Next, all the tragic stunts come out. Dance moves, poems, and an awkward pool dive by shirtless Zak. It actually earned him a rose, however. Surprise! Next, she meets Bryden, who tells a cute story about a little boy during his time in the Army. He also gets a rose. Clearly the way to her heart is some sort of touching BS. Girls are so predictable.

Later, the rose brigade starts. Juan Pablo plays soccer in front of her. I mean, his accent plus the futbol skills is clearly going to get him some ass. Drew is up next, and his cute parted hair and nervous ways. Obviously he gets a rose because he's cute and nervous and giggly. Larry is tired and wasted as he apologizes for ruining her dress with his dance move. Um...you're a doctor, pull it together.

Jonathan then attempts his fantasy suite trick once again. He pretty much talks himself into a very deep hole. He says he's unlike her former boyfriend (apparently Sean) and that she should have some fun. Desiree politely excuses herself. It was awesome. He then confesses to the camera that his "love tank" is full and has been filling up over time. It was...gross? Awkward? What is a love tank? Soon after, he interrupts her once again, and he tries to bring her back to the fantasy suite. She denies him FOR THE THIRD TIME and she sends him home! Awesome.

Roses go to:

Ben
Zak
Michael G.
Bryden
Nick M.
Drew
Brandon
Zack K.
Will
Brooks
Juan Pablo
Brad
Kasey
James
Robert
Brian
Dan
Chris
Mikey

Byeeeee: Jonathan and a bunch of other dudes. Who cares?

Awards:

Quote: "Will you accept these abs?" Um...no. But nice try, Zak.
Worst suit: Micah, in the suit he designed himself.
Best dressed: Dapper Dan
Best job title: Zak is a "Drilling Fluid Engineer." Ewwwww.
Hottest: Drew and Dan
Cutest entrance: Chris tying his shoe on one knee
Frontrunners: Ben and Chris. And maybe Drew.
#loser: Kasey, the social media dweeb

Until next week (OMG I can't believe this is happening again),

Mike

p.s. This season looks to be RIPE with drama! I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Finally the finale

2013-03-11T23:01:00.001-04:00

Dear baby Jesus,

Thank you for listening to my prayers. You have finally delivered by making this show come to an end.

Love,

-------

Okay, America, it's finally time. Pour your wine and gear up. There are two women left, and only one will be standing at the end of the carnage.

It's finally the last episode of this riveting 2.5-month journey we've traveled together. We've been to California, "Canada," island nations, and Asia and stuff. Our final stop: Thailand. Sean has clearly dressed for the occasion by wearing a low-cut purple v-neck. Sean's family arrives shortly after a few minutes of awkward b-roll of Sean mulling over his life choices to be on two seasons of a reality show, and Catherine is first up.

A slightly nervous Catherine arrives to meet the fam. They have lunch, she chats with his mom, and totally bonds with his dad. His dad, clearly the kindest man in the fam, tells Catherine--in a moment of clarity--that "sometimes you just know," and "I'll be your biggest fan." It's cute.

Next up is Lindsay. She is all personality and just perfect. His family totally falls for her, even his pastor dad who gave all his love to Catherine the day before. This time, dad--clad in a sassy teal top with a hot pink undershirt--tells Lindsay all the right things.

After both ladies, Mom cries while talking to Sean because her Southerness is simply overwhelmed by the situation.

Round one winner: Lindsay.

Round two is next. This time Sean sports a teal tank top and too many muscles. First up is Lindsay. They raft down the Mekong river, have dinner, and light lanterns for love, happiness and family. It's cute, but it seems like Sean isn't totally there.

Catherine has her last date next, and she shows up in purple, just like Sean in his low-cut v-neck (again?!?! um...where's the budget, ABC?). Awwww...matchy matchy is cute. Ish. Next up, they take an elephant walk (bonus points for those who know what this is) and share a romantic date in the Thai countryside. Later, they share a romantic night together, and Catherine tells Sean she loves him. And...HE SAYS NOTHING. Awesome move, Sean. Way to make a woman feel loved...or at least remotely wanted. Catherine sums up her feelings with this gem: "I feel like shit." Well said, my dear, well said.

And finally, it's the moment we've been waiting for. But first up, 15 minutes of awkward b-roll showing the three fools getting ready for their proposal-slash-heartbreaking breakup. Before the proposal, we have our inevitable visit from Neil Lane, America's apparently-famous jeweler, so ~~Sean can pick out his engagement ring~~ we can all see Mr. Lane's latest plastic surgery botch-job. Sean is shirtless, Lindsay is in silver, and Catherine is in gold. Silver and gold? How obvious are they going to be? Also, a heavy sequined dress in hot, humid Thailand? Girls, dress for the weather. Ditch the 82 pound metal dresses and give me something tropical and flowy. Thanks.

Lindsay arrives first with her AMAZINGLY HORRIBLE FOOT TATTOO. Um...Sean hates you. Kidding...but he totally breaks up with her. Sad. She leaves barefoot as, frankly, why should she bother walking away in heels? And America needed another glimpse of that tat.

Next up: cute Catherine. First, she writes him a sweet note. Next, he proposes. It was super cute. She looked adorable, and they rode away on an elephant...again.

Awards:

Quote: "All I want to do is move to Dallas." Said no one ever...except Catherine in her letter to Sean.
Fashion trend of season 82: sparkles! And fluorescent slutty tops worn by men. Yes, men.
Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner! Catherine.

Over or under: when do they break up? Will they? I kind of think maybe not, but don't quote me. Shhhhh.

Until next season...or whatever,

Mike

But wait...After the Final Rose came on right after the finale.

A few notes:

Sean lost weight between the finale and now. Hooray! Can we see his six pack again?
Catherine is totes adorbs.
They're getting married on ABC. Barf. No date yet.
Next bachelorette? Desiree. We love her. Secretly hoped it would be Lesley, but it's fine.

To Bone or Not to Bone

2013-02-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

Oh I just love this episode each season. It's just so beautifully scripted and perfectly predictable in every way. Each season, women are given the chance to forego their individual rooms to spend the night with the bachelor in the Fantasy Suite--all via a handwritten note from our very own Chris Harrison. This season, the ~~first sex~~ fantasy dates are in lovely Thailand...where the beaches are pretty and bugs are food.

First up is Lindsay. They shop in an outdoor market, eat bugs and chicken feet, and spontaneously get through a choreographed date. Later, they have dinner, they share pleasantries and almost I love yous, and traditional Thai dance. Then, the fantasy date card offers up the chance of boning. Verdict: they bone. Lindsay also struggles to get out the cherished (and now completely necessary) three words. But she eventually tells Sean she loves him. He says he loves to hear her say that. I must say, at least he's original.

Next up: AshLee. Sean's motivation for their date is getting AshLee to relinquish control. Whenever there's a motive to try to get someone to be less of their true self, we have a problem. So there's that. But of course I think the best way to prove love is a series of tests, so thank goodness Sean is of the same mindset. First test: swimming through a cave to a private beach. What would be paradise to most people is apparently an opportunity to be abandoned for AshLee. Side note: her body is amazing. So in the cave, they semi freak out because they get lost and have no direction...but...surprise! They make it, because they're on a well-funded reality show and you can't let people die on national TV. Finally, they see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and they make it to the beach, make out, etc. At dinner, AshLee gets the fantasy date card. Uh oh, the preacher's daughter is faced with a moral dilemma (because every season we need one character who needs to think about the fantasy suite option for more than five seconds to keep America guessing). Verdict: they bone (or probably just talk). I have to say, it's RIDICULOUSLY AWKWARD when she tells Sean, without being asked, what kind of ring she wants and her ring size. I MEAN!!!

Last up is Catherine. First off, they're the most natural. So that's cute. I mean, his eyes totally light up around her. They sail, swim, make out in the rain, and do other romantic things. At dinner, Catherine shares her ideas for the future and admits that it's weird having to put the moves on without certain reciprocation. I like this girl. She also admits that she's hesitant (in theory) about the Fantasy Suite. So, the fantasy date card comes, and...verdict: they bone. Also, Sean dropped this little gem to the camera: "Catherine gets me better than anyone else." Later, Catherine calls him a "hunk" and "beefy" and it's hilarious. Catherine shares that she's not used to being in a bathing suit so much and that she's lucky to have found someone like Sean; so Sean, ever the horrible person, says "I'm the lucky one." Cute.

Next, Disney has a paid promotion via Chris Harrison and some random people about their stupid new Oz movie. I mean, come on. ABC, you whore.

At the rose ceremony, a poorly dressed Sean, has to break a heart. I think we all know it's coming.

Roses go to:

Lindsay
Catherine

Goodbye to: AshLee. So sad. Especially after your tearful video tribute to Sean. At least your boobs are ridiculous.

Awards:

Lumpiest: Sean. Sorry your workout routine got off track during the filming of this tragic show. We can't even see your abs!
Open Book: Sean. It's Catherine and we all know it.
Best rack: AshLee's. Girl...work it out!
Best scary devil eyes: AshLee's. Yikes.
Cutest: Catherine
Frontrunner: see above

Until next week,

Mike

Worst brother ever

2013-02-18T23:28:00.000-05:00

It's hometown date night, and Sean travels the continental U.S. meeting his future ex-families-in-law.

First, we go to Houston to meet AshLee's parents. AshLee and her Yorkie pup meet Sean in the sprawling suburbs where they share a staged outdoor dinner on AshLee's parents' indoor furniture. It's awesome. AshLee's parents, who adopted her as a grown child (is that a thing?), are lovely and loving and I literally cried when her dad shared his story of falling in love with her upon their first meeting. It was incredible and they are wonderful. Her dad's spikey hair? Not so wonderful. But they're wonderful parents. The only question is: does AshLee have that spark that just might be necessary to win Sean's heart? Or is she just pretty and perfect in the not-so-perfect sense?

Next, Sean heads to Seattle to meet Catherine's family. First they share a great day in the Pike Place Market. They have tons of fun together, and they're very cute as a couple. They catch fish, eat food, and stick their chewed gum on the gum wall. It's all very cute. Then they head to her family's semi-decaying home where her sisters--her incredibly protective and skeptical sisters-- pretty much overtly throw her under the bus by telling Sean that Catherine isn't always fun, she's dirty, and she moves on once guys aren't fully supportive of her every whim. You know...just like good future sisters-in-law should act around him. After dinner, Sean leaves feeling a bit different compared to his super fun date with Catherine earlier in the day. He also probably feels the need to wash his hands since their house was a mess.

Next up: Fort Leonard, Missouri. Here, Sean meets Lindsay and her family, which includes a two-star-general Army dad who apparently hangs his guns on the wall. Like we all do. Sean and Lindsay are adorable during their pre-date, in which they eat cupcakes, and Lindsay puts Sean through an Army bootcamp. It's cute. What's also cute is her family. Her mom (who would totally be my bestie) is totes adorbs, and her scary Army dad is amazingly kind and smart. When Sean asks for his blessing to marry his daughter (like we all do after knowing our future fathers-in-law for six minutes), her father responds with an amazingly-orchestrated Army-inspired answer about having the authority to make the decision in the moment. In his own words, "you're not in the Army for 31 years to not be direct." Truth, sir. Truth. THANK YOU, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Lastly, Sean meets Desiree (ever the front runner) in LA for a hike on Runyon Canyon and an absolutely horrifying meeting with her nerdy parents and horrible turbo-brother. They prepare dinner for her family, who then arrive ~~to ruin Desiree's chances at finding love~~ to meet the lovebirds. First, Desiree's ex-boyfriend arrives to profess his love, prompting Sean to to get semi-aggro. [Flashback to Sean playing a joke on Desiree during their first date at the art gallery.] Duh...Desiree gets Sean back by playing a joke on him. Funny. Ha ha. But let's get the the juice. Her family is bizarre. Her parents, while totally endearing, are bizarrely nerdy and odd, and her tatted-up brother is positively weird. He's like a total broseph with authority issues who didn't graduate high school and instead decided to get tats, drink Four Loko, and protect his super hot sister not so much to protect her, but to bone her friends. In the end, he tells Sean that he thinks he's a "playboy" who isn't reciprocating the love Desiree has for him. In three minutes, he used three different versions of "reciprocate"--a word his dealer taught him earlier that day--and he scares Sean away for good. It was actually quite sad. Then, the most awkward conversation of the season awkwardly ends, and Sean and his future NOT brother-in-law go back to dinner. Desiree's poor parents try to cut the tension by talking about the weather...but no mention of LA's mythical "four seasons" will repair the damage Desiree's brother has done. Sad.

At the rose ceremony, Sean is a mess. Desiree interrupts Sean as he begins to hand out roses to apologize once again for her crazy brother...but it seems like it's too late. Sean tells Chris Harrison that he's definitely giving roses to AshLee and Lindsay, but he can't decide between Catherine and Des. Let's be honest...you want Desiree, but her brother is enough to make you pass. In the end, roses go to...

AshLee
Lindsay
Catherine

His goodbye with Desiree was actually super sad. Her brother will go down in infamy. If he can first learn what that word means.

Awards:

Hometown winner: Lindsay
Cutest dad story: AshLee's dad's story of meeting his adopted daughter. Tear-inducing.
Final two: AshLee and Lindsay.
Winner: Lindsay
Worst: Desiree's brother.
Possible reappearance? Desiree

Until next week,

Mike

St. Croix or St. Cray?

2013-02-13T17:14:00.004-05:00

The blog is late, and I am horrible. (Not as horrible as Tierra, but still, I understand that this is far too late.) But let me know just tell you, in the midst of my five-states-in-seven days business trip, I am watching this mess at 30,000 feet. And it's all for you, my beloved readers.

First off, let's talk about video quality during a cross-country flight. This episode took nearly the entire length of my four-hour flight. And I still missed about half of the juicy deets. So this ain't going to be long, and it ain't going to be pretty.

This episode finds the six ladies in St. Croix, battling it out to end up in the final four so they can bring Sean home to their families. There are five normal women left, and one crazypants. Will Sean finally give up on Tierra's temper tantrums and tears? Good lord, we hope so.

Date one goes to AshLee. Sean gives AshLee the opportunity to speak the truth about Tierra, and the usually-nice AshLee takes him up on his offer. She tells Sean something about how horrible Tierra is, and we thank her. Usually I hate the rat, but let's be honest: somebody had to do it. Later, she rats out herself for being a child bride and the young age of 17. Undeterred, Sean takes it in stride. Later, AshLee confesses her love for Sean by screaming about it on top of a chair. A bit awkward, yes. But gutsy.

Next, it's group date time. Sean takes Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay on a buttcrack-of-dawn ride to the other side of St. Croix to see the sunrise. Later, the tour the island to ultimately see the sunset. During the day, he has some one-on-one time in which his connection with Lindsay seems more obvious, Desiree sheds tears about her love for her family, and Catherine tells Sean about her estranged dad. In the end, Lindsay gets the rose. She might be inching into frontrunner status, people. Who knew her crazy wedding dress arrival on night one would find her here?

The next date is with Lesley, our smart, confident politico from DC who I happen to adore. Unfortunately, the date is a bit dicey. They wander around the jungle, and you can just tell they're not clicking. Sure, they're great at flirting, but is there more there? There's little eye contact, and the date leaves Sean confused.

Sean, confused, calls on his sister Shay for some advice. Shay, like the rest of America, also confirms that dating a woman who is crazy (Tierra) is a bad idea. Sean thinks that introducing Tierra to Shay may be an option to see how things play out. He goes to get Tierra and...SURPRISE...she's in tears after a fight with the other women. I know it's hard to believe that Tierra could be remotely emotional and/or combative, but, she is...for the 82nd time this season. They're called mood stabilizers. Perhaps your doctor can look into them for you, my dear.

Luckily, after walking in on drama ONCE AGAIN, Sean determines that it's finally time for Crazy to go back to managing her apartment complex somewhere in Colorado.

In saying goodbye, Sean says: "I think the world of you." (A bit of a stretch, if I must say so myself.) Tierra's kind-hearted response: "Obviously not enough." Good one, poopy pants.

I love it when they are carted away in minivans. :)

At the rose ceremony, Sean announces to the women that there won't be a rose ceremony and his mind is made up.

Roses go to:

Lindsay
Desiree
Catherine
AshLee

Adios to: Tierra and Lesley.

Dear Tierra,

Best of luck in life. You're the Tierra-worst. Also Tierrable. Hope the Tierra-urbulence on your flight home isn't too tierrable.

Sincerely,

America

Also, we love you Lesley. We actually really want the best for you. Not Tierra, obvi. Just you.

Until next week,

Mike

Twice in one week is Tierrable

2013-02-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

This week we travel north to the mythical land of Canadia. We get to see Banff National Park, Lake Louise, et cetera. It's so pretty because, as you remember, Canada is a made up place so of course it's pretty and perfect. Eh?

Before I get into the recap, let's address the fact that we've been forced to watch four hours (4!!!!!) of this show in two days. Inappropriate. Tierrable, in fact. Two nights is too (two) much.

The first date goes to Catherine. I think she's a dark horse, so it's exciting that she finally gets some time with Sean. They take a snowbus--piloted by Sean--in a blizzard to go sledding and to partake in other wintry adventures. Is it just me, or it is disconcerting to ride on a glacier in a snowbus driven by a rookie? Sean is looking super cute, though, in his shawl collar sweater. (This is the episode where we become jealous of Sean's sweaters and winter wear.) Later, at dinner, Catherine tells us about how she saw a friend die at the age of 12 at summer camp, and she opens up a bit. Cute. She gets a rose.

Next up, the date card for the group date, which will predict the next one-on-one. Will it go to Daniella? No. Why? Because she has horrible roots.

The group date goes to Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. They canoe across Lake Louise and then get the great surprise of ~~a wonderful cozy hot tub party on the other end~~ taking the "polar bear plunge" into 33-degree water in their swimsuits. Nothing like hypothermia to spice up a hot date. Luckily, no one would ever get hypothermia because they're under water for 2.5 seconds. Oh wait, Tierra gets "hypothermia" and finds yet another emergency situation in which to elicit pity and attention from Sean. My favorite part was Sean pitching the girls on the polar bear plunge by saying it's "something so fun." By that I think he meant it's something that's going to, once again, force Tierra to further hone her acting skills to pretend she's on the brink of death. Naturally, everyone loves it except for Tierra (and Selma, but she's from the desert, so who cares?). Tierra's fall into near disaster was perfectly acted, down to the oxygen tube, obsessive shaking, and running mascara. She's totally brilliant. And horrible. Later, at the party, Tierra shows up even though she almost died two hours earlier. Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family, and expresses her desire for Sean to meet them. Lesley drops some killer truth on us (about Tierra) by saying Tierra is a professional at getting attention" and "We have a Tierrarist on our hands." Brills. Lesley gets the rose.

After the group date, Sean feels the need to dump Sarah in advance of the rose ceremony because he's not feeling it. I'll be honest, I felt bad. Poor girl. Someone will love you one day, I promise.

The last one-on-one goes to Desiree. Sean and Desiree rappel down a mountain in Banff. Sean, always one to wear his heart on his sleeve, 100% confesses his love(ish) by telling Des not to doubt his feelings. Later, Desiree shares stories of growing up in a tent and a trailer park, and I'm secretly fine with that. Nothing like a candominium to give a girl some humble roots. Sean is totally into her. She's definitely in the final two. Also, Sean (again!) wore a great sweater. Does Canada secretly have style?

At the rose ceremony, Selma sheds her conservative heritage and disappoints her entire family by kissing Sean on national TV. Lindsay confides that she sleeps naked. AshLee gives sean a blindfold to indicate her vulnerability (?). It's kind of hot because he then carries her away, blindfolded, and kisses her. Hot. Like his sweater collection.

Roses go to:

Catherine
Lesley
Desiree
Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra (duh)

Byeee: Daniella, Selma (who's family has now disowned her for the kiss), and Sarah :( .

Awards:

Quote: "We have a Tierrarist on our hands." - Lesley
Speak the truth: our lovely Lesley. You so smaht.
Frontrunner: Desiree
Saddest goodbye: Sarah. I want to hug her.

Until next week in St. Croix (!),

Mike

Squeaky wheel gets the...rose?

2013-02-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

This week we head to chilly Montana, where we get better acquainted with chilly souls and icy personas. In the interest of time, this episode is the one in which we develop the character of Tierra the Villain. Some superb editing mixed with general bitchiness helps us to quickly realize that Tierra is bad news bears and no one likes her. I mean, we knew this the whole time...but still.

The first date goes to Lindsay. They fly away in a...surprise!!...helicopter, and they take in the sites of Glacier Mountain National Park. Pretty. Later, they eat, she gets a rose, and they awkwardly dance in the town square in front of the good folk of Whitefish, MT. There is nothing worse than a public dance in front of townies, except the two-on-one date, which we'll get to later. But honestly, this date was rather boring although they seemed to have fun.

The group date is next. It's red versus blue, and the team that loses goes home and gets a whole lot of nothing of Sean. Red (Desiree, Sarah, Selma, and Robyn) beat Blue (Lesley, Catherine, AshLee, and Daniella) at canoeing and drinking goat milk (dont' ask). So a sulky Blue team heads home, and Red celebrates with Sean. Except for Sean ends up inviting Blue back out and raining on the Red parade. But first, Tierra crashes the date to ensure that Sean knows she's emotional and wearing her heart on her sleeve and other boring platitudes cementing her place in Crazytown. The best part was when she "snuck" up on Sean from behind, and Sean 100% saw her in the monitor behind him before it happened. It was amazing. Later, Daniella cries to Sean that she hasn't had any time with him and she gets the rose. Squeaky wheel gets the...rose? Sean, you're smarter than you look, but you're doing yourself no favors here.

The two-on-one is between the devil and what's-her-name (Tierra and Jackie). They ride horses, Tierra is a snotface, and Jackie semi-tattles on Tierra for being horrible. Bummer is that she didn't do it well, so she just looked dumb and girly. Later, at awkward dinner, Sean spends time with annoying Tierra, while he fully ignored Jackie. Tierra took that one-on-one time to build her case for why she's crazy. This time, her case involves Sketchy Dead Druggy Ex-Boyfriend. This explains her incapacity to develop human relationships and an irrational need to be loved by men on reality shows. Or something. She gets the rose and Jackie gets the boot.

At the rose ceremony, the less-than-stellar week devolves a bit further when Tierra ignores the women even more and Robyn and crew confront her for being the worst. Desiree semi tells Sean that Tierra is horrible, Lesley tells him a bit more, and Tierra tells everyone that she's horrible.

Roses go to:

Lindsay
Daniella
Tierra
Selma
Catherine
Lesley
AshLee
Sarah
Desiree

Byeeee: Jackie and Robyn.

Awards:

Best quote: "He gives roese to girls that are having a hard time." Preach, Desiree. Preach.
Too smart for this show: Lesley
Prediction of the final three: AshLee, Desiree and Tierra

Until ~~next week~~ tomorrow, when Tierra apparently drowns herself in a frozen lake or something only to further her place in Sean's heart which apparently thinks it's fine to call for crazy people,

Mike

"This is torture"

2013-01-30T20:51:00.002-05:00

Alright folks, I was on the road making deals and changing the world. I missed the episode and just watched it now. Since I'm so busy and important, I'm just going to keep it high-level this week.

Date one: Selma. They take a private jet to the far off desert of Joshua Tree where they rock climb. They make it to the top, and hug. Also, Selma has a killer rack. Later, he takes her to a cutesy little dinner at an RV hotel. The drink wine, snuggle and...don't kiss. She explains that she's from a very conservative Iraqi family. Rock on girl. Gotta admire her respect for her family. Bummer that her family doesn't support her being on the show. Needless to say, there were blue balls indeed. She gets a rose, and he's "crazy about (her)." Cute.

Date two: group date. Roller derby! There is nothing better than some girl-on-girl competition, especially when physical contact is involved. Watching these girls bite it is pretty much the best thing yet. Except for the fact that Sarah (girl with one arm) is involved in this date. I mean, seriously, producers. This is borderline ridiculous, if not unsafe. Next up, Amanda totally bites it on her chin. This date is spiraling out of control for sure. So Sean calls it off and there's no competition. I mean, I was hoping for fist fights, but whatever. Later, they go to dinner. Amanda returns with her busted chin, and she's fine. Then, surprise!!!, Tierra becomes the b*tch we know she is. She starts and pity party and then asks to leave. And then the tears start. Yadda yadda yadda. She actually has some pretty awesome quotes. A couple gems: "I can't take it anymore." "I can't be tortured like this." Yes, Tierra, Sean and all the girls are torturing you. Tell that to a waterboarding victim, and let me know what s/he says. But, she interrupts Sean, whines to him, and HE GIVES HER THE ROSE (!?!?!). Ugh. He also tells her he's "crazy about (her)." Okay Sean, let's not recycle too many lines here.

Last date: Leslie. They go shopping in Beverly Hills. It's basically Pretty Woman. She gets jewels (120 carats of bling), a dress, some heels, but more importantly Sean gets a killer tux. He looks so good! She also looks great, but I wish she was more fun. Unfortunately, it just doesn't click at dinner. No rose.

At the rose ceremony, Sean kisses some girls, and Tierra ~~apologizes to~~ confronts Robyn and Jackie.

Roses go to:

Selma
Tierra
Catherine
Desiree
Lindsay
Lesley
Robyn
AshLee
Sarah
Jackie
Daniella

Byeeee: Amanda (and her bruised chin) and Leslie

Awards:

Most unoriginal pick-up artist: Sean. He's, apparently, "crazy about" everyone.
Worst: Tierra
Frontrunner: I still love Lesley. But Selma may have made a move this week. And then there's Des and AshLee...

Until next week,

Mike

As a guy who's had several concussions...

2013-01-21T23:11:00.004-05:00

It's getting real this week, folks. Girls are crying, they're falling down stairs, they're wearing lycra speedo dresses to the rose ceremony...it's all too much.

The first date goes to our diplomatic politico, Lesley M. As a frontrunner, I'm expecting big things. Sean surprises her with a super romantic date to a horrible museum in Hollywood--the Guinness Museum of World Records. They putz around for a bit, until Sean surprises her with their very own opportunity to set a world record for World's Longest On-screen Kiss! The challenge: they have to best three minutes and 16 seconds kissing on camera. Guess whether or not it's awkward? Correct. It is. For over 3:16, they don't once slip a little tongue to the other. They just stand there, lip-locked, being cheered on by eight wide-eyed tourists the producers found wandering around the depths of Hollywood Boulevard. Luckily, three horrifyingly long minutes later, Sean and Lesley set a new world record and we can get on with this date. Sean describes the kiss and "hot" and "passionate." I describe it as boring. You choose who to believe. Later, they share some drinks and kisses rooftop, and Lesley gets the rose. She's cute and he likes her.

The second date is the dreaded winner/loser group date. One group wins, another loses, and the losers head back home while the winners hang with Sean. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra join Sean on a beach for a day of volleyball and tears. The losing team has to go home upon losing, a situation to which Daniella refers as "literally (her) worst nightmare." So, let me get this straight. Daniella grew up terrified of the day in which she found herself on a beach in a neon bikini competing for a stranger's love via a volleyball game on a reality show that has thrice out of 17 seasons produced its desired goal: love and marriage. Right...this is literally a disaster for her. Well...guess what? Daniella's nightmare was realized and her team lost. Kacie, Desiree, Robyn, Amanda, Lindsay and Jackie won the game and got to stay on with Sean for cocktails and such. It all goes well until Kacie takes it upon herself to be the good girl in the group to tell Sean about the drama she's dreamed up between weird Amanda and cute Desiree. Sean asks why it's her place to tell him this, and then refers to her as a crazy person. Oops...that tactic backfired. Sorry, Kacie. Later, Lindsay gets the rose.

Next up, it's AshLee's turn for some one-on-one time. Just kidding. Tierra is so bummed her volleyball team loss she up and throws herself down the stairs just before Sean and AshLee's date. As one does, of course. Girl, you already have one dent in your forehead, no need for another. But, Sean arrives just as Tierra's "accident" is discovered, and he encourages calling the police. She could have a concussion, of course, and "as a guy who's had several concussions," he would know. Um, Sean...how many concussions, exactly? You have 16 girls vying for your love, and they need to know what they're getting themselves into. Also, Tierra, you suck. The paramedics arrive to save you and you refuse to go because you just wanted attention. Awesome.

Next up is Ms. Adopted AshLee. For a second we thought it would be a two-on-on because b*tch Tierra pretended the date card had both AshLee's and Selma's names on it, but she's just mean. So Sean and AshLee head to a deserted Six Flags to spend the day alone. AshLee, a bit shy (and totally stunning, by the way), says unenthusiastically that it's "perfect." Here's hoping her personality comes through. Upon arriving to Six Flags, Sean tells AshLee that they'll be sharing the park with two kids suffering from a terminal illness who met on a private social network for ill teens. It's amazing because they've become besties, but they've never met. It's actually pretty amazing for real, and Sean 100% cements himself as the nicest bachelor ever. He's literally unfazed by disabilities and he's just really nice. Everyone has an amazing day, and later, when they're alone again, AshLee tells Sean about her childhood of abuse, foster homes, and eventual salvation by amazing parents. Sean tears up as she shares her story, and all of America fell in love with him at the same time. Later, AshLee gets the rose. He likes her.

At the rose ceremony, the claws come out and girls are interrupting conversations and stealing Sean left and right. On a cute note, Sean surprises Sarah with her cute French bulldog. In the end, Sean sends Kacie--clad in a neon lycra ~~speedo racing swimsuit~~ dress--home prior to the rose ceremony beginning because ~~she's crazy~~ he doesn't see a future with her beyond friendship. 0 for 2 Ms. Kacie. Sorry...

Roses go to:

Lesley M.
Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra
Leslie H.
Catherine
Daniella
Robyn
Selma
Sarah
Jackie
Amanda
Desiree

Byeeee: Kacie, Kristy and Taryn

Awards:

Nervous Breakdown Shortlist: Tierra and Kacie
Worst kisser: Sean, who awkwardly leads with his tongue.
Villains: Tierra and Amanda
Fronrunner(s): Lesley and AshLee (maybe?)
Worst dress: Kacie's age group Speedo swimsuit/dress

Until next week,

Mike

Vegan or not, we all love beef.

2013-01-14T23:28:00.001-05:00

And it's on. We sent the utterly tragic first round home, and it's time for the dates and drama to begin. This week we have two one-on-ones, and one group date. I had a Manhattan and two glasses of wine. To each his own.

The first diplomatic date goes to Sarah, the girl with one arm. The reason I bring this up is because she relentlessly reminds us of her lack of an arm. Sean seems to care less, so I think she should too. That said, she is super sweet and she's game for an action-packed date that begins with...SURPRISE!!!...a helicopter ride. Next, Sean and Sarah free-fall off a downtown building to a champagne toast. It's cute. Until Sarah shares a sob story about being denied a ride on the zip-line because of her disability when she was in Vegas with her dad. Then, her dad apparently told her she needed a man to protect her from those situations, thereby setting women back four decades. All of this was sad and tragic...the most of which was the fact that Sarah was in Vegas with her dad. Eww. Anyways, Sarah gets a rose.

The next date is the first massive group date of the season. The lucky few are: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie and Tierra. They are driven to the most tragically heinous mansion in the highway-adjacent LA suburbs where they star in a photo shoot for harlequin novel covers. You know, the norm. First dates with gratuitous flesh and make-outs are the best! Kristy, the "model" from Milwaukee freaks out but subsequently produces the best shoot. Lesley, who politically harbors the best body on set also puts forth a solid effort, whereas Tierra and her dented forehead doesn't so much. Later, poolside at the manse, a confident Lesley shares some adorable time with Sean who doesn't have enough game to kiss her. Luckily, Lesley has the balls to go back later in the night to plant one on him. Totally cute. The best part about their kiss? The fact that it was narrated by a drunken Daniella, who is quickly becoming my favorite lush in the house. Her best slurred quote (on Lesley and Sean's secret make-out): "That's...like...not OK with me." Amazing. Later in the night Kacie B. and mopey Tierra both get some attention from Sean, Katie--the HUGE-haired yogi--sends herself home, and Kacie ends up with the rose.

The last date is an art-filled prank fest with Desiree. Sean takes her to what appears to be an art opening for an experimental, yet appreciated, artist. His "work" is going for upwards of $2 million per piece. When Sean leaves her alone in the back room to observe the prized piece, the gallery director--I mean actor--tells Desiree about the beloved piece and its history. She then excuses herself, and while Desiree takes a seat (cold and alone in the room on what was supposed to be a date), the piece goes crashing to the ground. Desiree, cool under pressure, keeps her calm as the artist storms the room accusing her of ruining it. Sean, apparently a nice guy, rescues Desiree and soon confesses that it was all a set-up. It was funny, and Desiree was cool. Later, they head back for a steak dinner at Sean's place, hosted by Sean, playing the part of Every Texas-born Man. After dinner, they slip into their swimsuits (WHAT?!?! AFTER STEAK?!?) and swim and make out and fall in love with each other as they share stories of their perfect families. She gets a rose. Could she be the one?

At the rose ceremony, Amanda proves herself to be a nut job, Daniella once again gets wasted and hilarious, and Robyn asks Sean if he likes black girls. Awesome.

Roses go to:

Sarah
Kacie
Desiree
AshLee
Lindsay
Robyn
Jackie
Lesley M.
Selma
Catherine
Kristy
Leslie H.
Tierra
Taryn
Daniella
Amanda

Byeeeeeee: Katie, Brooke, Diana

Awards

Awkward first kiss: Sean and Sarah's. It lasted too long and Sean is no Arie when it comes to kissing.
Best quote: "I'm a vegan, but I love the beef." - Catherine
Wasty-mazing: Daniella. Also, girl, fix your roots.
Bravest: Desiree, who got into a bikini after a steak dinner.
Frontrunners: Lesley M. and Desiree (two weeks running!)

Until next week,

Mike

26 women. Yet something doesn't add up.

2013-01-07T23:04:00.001-05:00

Ladies and gentleman (singular), our collective reason for living has returned. This time, it's Sean who will woo our hearts and the hearts of all hopeful hopeless women in 'Merica. Cue the collective sigh when we realize he didn't get ripped in the off season...he doesn't even have a fully visible six pack, which is a 100% prerequisite for all bachelors. Yes, his biceps--which are the size of my thighs--make up for it, but still.

I'm not going to go on and on about tonight's episode, I'll just say it was pretty formulaic until Sean started handing out roses willy nilly during each and every conversation he had with the steadily-increasing-in-drunkenness women vying for his heart.

The lead-in to the season was on par with season's past. A look at his perfect, but empty, life at home. A visit with a former contestant (Arie) in which they practice pick-up lines and kissing. As men. Profiles of a mishmash of girls in their hometowns--most of whom will get roses, one of whom won't. Requisite diversity, including: four (count them!) black girls; an orange beauty queen; and Asian woman; a single mom; a former foster child; and a one-armed blondie from LA. Yes. Seriously. Life. Complete. Thumb up to diversity!

Some highlights of the 26 women.

Katie is a yogi who doesn't wear shoes.
Kelly is an orange Oompa Loompa who sings country songs.
Robyn is a blacktress who did back handsprings and bit it instead of looking smooth.
Tierra got a rose upon introducing herself. Cue immediate title as House Villainess.
Lindsay wore a wedding dress. And got wasted.
Ashley, the girl that gives the Midwest its bad name, was incredibly forward in her 50 Shades of Grey references. She also (obviously) got wasted.
Kacie returned from Ben's season!

At the end of the night, a bunch of chicks got roses while chatting with Sean. So many in fact, I couldn't fastidiously chronicle them, so I'll leave you with this. A bunch of chicks got roses, and some didn't.

So without further adieu, I'll allow you to go back to watching the National Championship game. Or I'll let the man in your life do that, and you can keep drinking.

Awards:

Best quote: "I can't say 'It's not you, it's me,' because it's obviously going to be her." Sean to Arie on his break-up techniques.
Worst dress: Ashley, the ghetto fabulous model from Denver, in a stunning drowning mermaid piece circa 1992 prom.
Awkward forced kiss upon meeting: Lindsay's kiss on the lips with Sean.
Wasty face: Lindsay
First tears: Taryn
Best job: Paige, the "Jumbotron Operator." There are so many directions I could go with this, so I just won't.
Villain: Tierra. That's "land" in Mexican.
Frontrunners: Lesley, the DC politico; Desiree, the LA-based wedding dress maker.

Until next week, drink up and buckle up for a wild ride,

Mike

The finale, with one "f"

2012-07-23T09:20:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited three-hour finale is finally over, and I'm still attempting to recover from ABC's amazing feat of stretching 30-minutes of footage into 180. Truly an accomplishment, and one to which I deeply regret devoting half of my Sunday night. Not really, but still. Before I dive into the review, I must, however, make yet another dig at Chris Harrison's repeated need to bill every single moment (and episode) of the show as the "most dramatic ever." There was nothing dramatic about this finale. In fact, it was anti-climactic. So unless Chris spends his life on Planet Opposite Day in the galaxy of Hyperbole, he's got his words mixed up.

The finale takes place in lovely (and apparently under-repaired...did you see the cracking concrete and missing tiles at Emily's "glamorous" rented house?) Curacao, and Jef is first up to meet Emily's family, which consists of: her lounge-singer mom; her standard-issue dad; her Wrangler-wearing, talks-out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth brother Ernie (what kind of name is that?); and her mute sister-in-law (no one knows her name). Jef shows up with flowers for the ladies, and charm all around. My loyal viewing friends and I figured out quite quickly that her mom looks just like the old dead guy from Tales from the Crypt. Go ahead, pretend you don't agree. Nothing memorable happens, except the fact that I find Emily's brother to be horrifyingly awkward. Dude, open your mouth and relax a bit. We get you're a hick from North Cackalacky, no need to play the part so well. Her family walks away really liking Jef.

Next up is Arie, who brings her family a box of all the roses he's won thus far. Um, weird. The beginning is filled with some awkward silences, until Emily's mom, really wanting to see how good of a kisser Arie is for herself, takes him away for some questioning. I seriously half thought her mom was going to steal Arie away from Emily, but luckily she didn't. Later, Arie asks Dad for Emily's hand in marriage, and Ernie is awkward once again. Seriously. Open your mouth dude. Why are you only using half of it?

After their time with both guys, Emily's family likes them both and doesn't offer any help to Emily in her decision. Later, seeing Emily struggling, her mom tells her to hold off on any engagement. Thanks, mom.

The next day is Jef's last date with Emily. They chat on the beach, Emily is totally nervous and out of it, and I feared their connection was fading. Was she going to dump Jef right then and there? Or was she contemplating letting Jef meet her daughter, Ricky Bobbi? Luckily, she chooses the latter, and the three of them spend the afternoon in the pool with Ricky Bobbi. Ricky Bobbi, never one for too many words, basically giggles the whole time, and Jef isn't entirely awkward. So I'd say it was a success.

Later, at dinner, Jef and Emily share a night of kissing and canoodling on the couch, and Jef presents Emily with a gift. Instead of the typical gift photographically recapping their time together in a Creative Memories scrapbook (because all dudes scrapbook these days), he gives Emily a book about Curacao, filled with his own stick-figure drawings of them throughout its pages. It was actually pretty cute.

The next day is Emily's final date with Arie. Or is it? Emily first chats with Chris about her internal struggle, and she basically comes out and tells Chris that she's going to choose Jef and needs to let Arie go. He's a good kisser, but will he be a good husband?

Meanwhile, Arie is preparing for their last date by making a love potion with some local witch doctor. Clearly the doctor needs her papers checked, because 20 minutes later, Emily arrives, in tears, and basically dumps Arie before their date begins. Dumbstruck, Arie lets her finish, asks a few questions, and basically leaves. But not before Emily word vomits and successfully avoids saying the real truth ("you're not the one, dude") and hugs him while pressing his microphone into his chest so hard that we can hear poor Arie's racing, and broken heart. It was actually pretty sad. But good for Arie, he made it home with no tears. (Cue each and every single woman in America preparing their tape submission to be on the next Bachelor, starring Arie. That, or cue every woman booking a ticket to Arie's hometown in order to let their stalking begin.)

In the end, a ridiculously well-dressed and dapper Jef presents Emily with a beautifully-branded Neil Lane diamond. After a slight delay, she says yes. Then Ricky Bobbi shows up and ruins all the romance. One question: why did the engagement happen on some random (albeit stylized) street corner in Curacao? You're on an island, people; get engaged on the beach!

1) Best Dressed: Jef. His suit at the final rose was, hands down, the best-fitting and most dapper suit of any guy in the history of this show. I need his stylist immediately, because he's not going to need to look cute in the suburbs of Charlotte, let's be honest.
2) Worst Dressed: Ricky Bobbi. Who let her out of the house in a fanny pack?!?
3) Best Kisser: Arie. Duh.
4) Least Dramatic Finale: This one.

Until next season,
Mike

The Dudes Tell All: sponsored by Prada shoes and rented helicopters

2012-07-17T10:23:00.000-04:00

I don't commit to blogging the Dudes Tell All episode, because it's usually two hours of ballyhoo (as opposed to the other weekly episodes, which are two hours of pure television genius.) But this week provided some gems.

1) Emily might be cooler than I had previously thought. I love her repeated drops of the F-bomb, in particular. But also, girl has some--pardon me--balls! She calls the boys out repeatedly on their BS, and I found it brilliant.

Which leads me to point number two...

2) In response to Kalon's general douche-baggery, Emily came up with this: "I just hope that you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter." Oh. Snap.

Perhaps Kalon will find faith in his new, oversized chiclets--I mean, veneers--that have recently taken up residence in his creepy mouth. The Houston dentist responsible for those oversized teeth should be punished by having to stare at Kalon's busted grill for eternity.

Until Sunday's finale!
Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone

2012-07-09T23:48:00.002-04:00

It's our favorite episode of the season. It's the night where unknowing (ha!) lovers are given the choice to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite or Not Bone, and everyone bones! But wait...do they?

This season we're boning in Curacao, and it's simply beautiful.

The first date goes to Sean. He's cute in his Nantucket red shorts, Toms, and an incredibly deep V-neck tee. They ride a helicopter--in a season bereft of helicopter rides--and Sean can't summon the strength to tell Emily he loves her. Sean has a minor communication crisis, and Emily notices. Later, in his second deep V of the night, Sean accompanies Emily to dinner where he reads a letter he's written to her daughter, Ricki Bobby. It's pretty bad, but Emily thinks it's cute. Typical. When the Fantasy Date card arrives from Chris, Emily and Sean choose to forego their own rooms and bone. But then she sees him out after a while, because she's "a mom." What, moms don't bone random strangers these days? So...in the end...they bone? But don't bone? I have no idea. They sleep cold and alone.

The next date goes to dapper Jef. They sail around the island while Jef peppers her with questions about his suitability for Emily. Are they a match. Will he be a good dad to Ricki Bobby? He mentions to Emily that his parents want to meet her, and it's cute. (Apparently their Mormon "charity project" has ended and they're free to meet their future daughter-in-law.) At dinner, Jef preemptively foregoes his individual room for the Fantasy Suite with the understanding that they won't spend the night and won't bone because Ricki Bobby and his parents will be watching them. Um...BORING. Jef tells Emily he loves her again, and she sends him a packin' before they fall asleep like she's turning tricks. Brilliant. Bone? Not bone. But honestly, she really likes Jef and it's obvious. The date was cute.

Lastly, the most boneable of them all has his date with Emily: Arie. They swim with dolphins, but not without making out first. Emily can barely hold herself back and she totally wants to ride his Dutch racing business, but she won't give herself the chance. So much so that she doesn't even offer him the Fantasy Date card because she, admittedly, doesn't trust herself with him! Their physical chemistry is undeniable, but are they mentally there? Who cares, they're hot. Also, did you notice the "I want to be boning you right now" look they shared mid-make-out before they said goodbye? Yowza. Is this the first time the Fantasy Date card hasn't been offered? Weird. Especially with this couple. They're all about it.

In the end, an uber-emotional Emily gives roses to:
1) Jef
2) Arie

An almost emotional Sean is sent home. I so wish he would have cried, but he was probably too focused on the fact that his mammoth thighs were screaming to get out of his pants.

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: Jef
2) Worst line: "I wanted it to be you," said Emily to the rejected Sean. Boo...not fair.

So it's Jef versus Arie. Dapper versus Dutch.

Until the finale!
Mike

Emily goes home(town). A week late.

2012-07-09T14:33:00.002-04:00

It's hometown visit week! Emily travels to Chicago, Scottsdale, Utah and Dallas to meet her potential new families-in-law.

Let's keep this concise, because I'm a week late posting this. (Sorry, a man needs a vacation now and again. FYI, I'm super tan.)

Emily meets Chris and his Polish family in Chicago first. It's boring, like Polish food.

Next she heads to Jef's Utah ranch (wow) to meet his 14 Mormon siblings and their 82 kids. But seriously, the ranch is amazing and they have killer chemistry. And who knew Emily could shoot a gun like a natural. Oh, the South never ceases to surprise us. Later, Jef reads her a lovely note and it's legitimately touching, even to my cold, dead heart. Bummer his parents don't come, since they're busy doing "charity work" in South Cackalacky. Luckily his innumerable blond siblings give their seal of approval.

After Utah, she heads south to Scottsdale to meet Arie's stiff, Dutch family. By "stiff" I mean that Arie's mom's face is stiff and stuffed with collagen and plastic. Also, they're rather rigid in a Dutch way. (I'm Dutch, so I get this.) But it goes well and she connects with Arie's mom's unmoving face.

Last, Emily heads to Dallas to meet Sean's sweet family. Their perfectly Texan (i.e. gaudy and overdone) house is classic, and his family is really cute and fun and easy to be around. Sean plays a trick on Emily by telling her he still lives at home, and even goes as far as showing her his fake, and horribly messy room with stuffed animals everywhere. A perfect Southern woman, Emily doesn't bat an eye, but her blood boils on the inside. Amazing. But can someone tell Sean not to lead with his tongue when he kisses her? It's horrifying. Also, who else noticed that Sean's brother-in-law's biceps match his own? It's a Texas thang, y'all.

Roses go to:
1) Arie
2) Jef
3) Sean

Byeeeee: Chris. No surprises there.

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: OMG I have no idea. Jef, then Arie in a close second.
2) Best fam: Sean's
3) Worst kisser: Sean
4) Most romantic: Jef
5) Most Mormon: Jef's family

Until tonight,
Mike

Czech it out

2012-06-26T01:03:00.003-04:00

By the title of this post, guess where we are? If you haven't guessed, I can't do it anymore.

The first date goes to Arie. The title of their date is "Let's Czech it Out." Emily and Arie czech out the city--Arie in a cute outfit and Emily in a tranny mess of an get-up, complete with bedazzled short shorts and cowboy boots. Totally appropriate, right? The date is cute and fun, except for the fact that Emily has recently found out that Arie once dated a producer working on set for about five minutes eight years ago. And then she goes to Crazy Town. She plays games, passively questions Arie about his loyalty and trustworthiness, and it's frankly annoying. Arie, completely confused, doesn't fall for her passive bait. But, Chris Harrison lovingly informs us that--off camera--they discuss the issue and decide it's fine. Why is it fine? Because she loves him and they kiss like crazy. A few comments, though. Emily's staged interview with Cassie, the former lady friend/current producer, is amazing and totally unscripted. Also, Arie confesses he's in love with Emily later that night. It's the first "I love you" people! Amazing. Too early, no?

The next date is with John. Let's be honest, they haven't connected and it's make-it-or-break-it time. Does he knock it out of the park? No. They paint a wall, they barely lock a lock (don't ask) and they share an incredibly boring dinner. Dude needs to show some personality, because at this point, the only personality we're getting from John is from his pink shirt and preppy belt. Cute...but not enough to compensate for his bore galore persona. John, I wanted to root for you, but you're making it awfully yawnable to do so.

Later, when John returns, Sean, smelling a woman in need, sneaks out to search the streets for Emily. Again, this delightfully unscripted (i.e. TOTALLY SCRIPTED) moment is fabulous. Sean searches the historic streets calling out for his love, and Emily, perfectly placed by the producers, unknowingly awaits her suitor in a beautifully-lit alleyway. Sean and Emily share an impromptu beer at the bar the producers bought out for them, and then proceed to make out like they're entering the set of a porn. I'm talking hot and heavy, mouth-eating kissing, including some nearly R-rated hip-thrusting action. Yowza.

The group date goes to Sean, Doug and Chris. First off, Chris is pissed and all he wants is time with Emily. But first things first. Doug gets kicked off in a hot minute. Emily basically takes him aside and says they're not connecting. But first, Doug embarrassingly leans in for a kiss after she says she'd been hoping for a connection. It was awful. Five minutes later, he was gone. And he totally cried in the car ride home. What a girl (in a nice, non-sexist way, of course). Later, Sean and Emily connect more than Chris and Emily, and Sean gets a rose. Chris's blood boils. The end.

The last date goes to Jef. Frankly, he's too smart and cute for Emily (says one handsome co-viewer), and I agree. Also, her tassled boots look fugly. The beginning of the date is scary, because they go to a marionette store. Let's be honest, marionettes are scary. Later, they take their marionettes to a library and do a puppet show that forces me to drink uncontrollably while vomiting and dying inside. Granted, this makes Jef look like a total softy and cutest guy ever (since he's apparently a budding puppeteer), but it's awkward. Until Jef says he's "1,000,000% in love with her" followed by, "can we get a dog together?" Okay, fine. It's cute. And I hate that I secretly loved this.

Later, Jef and Emily canoodle a bit more in the library, thankfully sans puppets. He tells her about his Mormon family, including parents who are "committed to some stuff in South Carolina for two years" (wait, what?). Red flag? Then they talk about moving in together prior to marriage. And then they talk about when they want kids...and we quickly devolve into playing house. I'm pretty sure Emily and Jef just want to fall in pretend love and make half-Mormon babies. But then we end with "I wanna date you so hard and marry the sh*t out of you." Awk and awesome all at once. Is Jef for real? Or are his outfits just cute?

At the rose ceremony, Emily looks like a Disney cartoon disaster as she wears a purple sparkly dress. Emily, as any princess should, has an opinion and will not need the cocktail party to chat with the boys. Chris doesn't take this well and cries to the camera.

Then Emily comes out and says "y'all" 14 times and gives roses to:

Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Arie

Wait, we're interrupted mid-ceremony by Chris. He tells her things.

4) Chris

Byeee: Doug and John

Awards:
1) Frontrunner: Arie
2) Tied dark horses: Sean (sexy and bone-worthy) and Jef (practical best friend)
3) Just around for the hell of it: Chris
4) Potentially sketchy creepster: Chris

Until next week,

Mike

Trophy Wife. Brought to us by "Brave," the new Pixar film.

2012-06-18T23:43:00.002-04:00

This week we're in Croatia. What better place for a cross-promotion of a Pixar film? Ugh, ABC, why are you doing this to us this season? First the Titanic in 3D, and now Brave? I can't. Seriously. But on to the dates.

The first date goes to Travis, the non-personality from Mississippi. Besides knowing some dirt on him from his former fiancee, there is nothing memorable about this fool. The date is boring, although he rates it a ten (pronounced "tin") on a scale of eight. Because that's normal. He gets kicked off.

The group date features John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie. And since we're in Croatia, why not don Scottish kilts and perform the Highland Games, a tradition native to Scotland? We're in Croatia people...let's do Croatian things. Like...um...okay maybe doing Scottish stuff is fine because what's Croatian? But still...this is ridiculous. (Obviously it's because of the cross-promotion of the ridiculous animated movie, but whatever.) Anyway...the Highland Games feature boys in kilts riding donkeys and throwing things. Sean is good at tossing logs, Chris is bad at shooting arrows, and other silly details. At the end of the day, Chris gets the Bravest award for frankly being bad at everything and Emily felt bad for him. Later, Arie and Emily share more cinematic kisses and Chris tells Emily he "could" love her. He gets the rose.

The last date goes to Spray Tan McGee. Ryan, not afraid of wearing women's tank tops (apparently), is all fired up and oddly-shaven for his date with Emily. The date starts with awkward small talk in front of all the guys, for which the guys mock him as they leave. Arie, appropriately, says "Ryan is a dick," a statement with which we all wholeheartedly agree. First, they share freshly-caught oysters from the sea, and Emily spits hers out as all ladies should. Um...what? It's an oyster. Eat it. Later, Ryan talks about how she's a trophy wife, and he reads her his top 12 qualities he hopes for in a wife, which include: loyal, logical, and a servant. Yes. A SERVANT. Thank you Ryan, for not surprising any of us. We all knew you wanted a woman with no original thoughts who would do anything and any time for you, but really? You couldn't pretend? At the end of the date, Emily sends him home after some begging (an amazing attempt) on behalf of Ryan. He tried some mind games, but our sweet Botoxed Emily might just be smarter than we done pegged her for.

Later, Arie consoles her in her bed. Awesome. She secretly gives her a rose, and it's awesome.

At the rose ceremony, a bedazzled (again, because she wore sequins on every date this episode) Emily--after being unable to kick anyone off and making a case for keeping six guys--gives roses to:

1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Jef
4) Arie
5) Doug
6) John

Byeeeeee: Travis, Ryan. Best of luck with your facial-hair-shaping business in Augusta.

Awards:
1) Quote: "How you say you don't wanna be a trophy wife and you come lookin' like that?" Ryan. One point for amazing grammar; two points for forcing her into a traditional and demeaning gender role.
2) Runner-up quote: "When you're looking at me, you're lookin' at a winner." Ryan. Except we're looking at a loser.
3) Frontrunner: Arie. Jef is in second.
4) Guy she most wants to bone: Sean

Until next week,

Mike

"I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his a$$"

2012-06-11T23:59:00.003-04:00

We've flown from sunny Bermuda to bad-teethed London. Emily is under the weather, if you'd call what London has "weather," but she has to get through three dates this week.

The first one-on-one goes to Sean. They take a tour of the city, do other things like inevitably talking how many kids he wants...and he gets a rose. Honestly, it was not memorable.

During the one-on-one, Kalon shows his true colors to Jef and Arie sensing the impending doom that he'll be on another group date. He says that if a guy were to end up with Emily, pretty much every date would be a group date. Um...no. Rude. But true.

The group date includes Doug, Arie, Chris, John, Travis, Ryan, Alejandro and Kalon. They perform Shakespeare in front of Brits lacking dental hygiene. It was heinous and awesome all at once. Kalon takes it a bit too seriously, and Emily proclaims that he "needs to lighten up--he's too intense." Ryan and Travis get to perform the role of Romeo, while Doug and Arie are relegated to women's roles. It's darn funny.

Later, they end up at Cox's Yard (cue the jokes even though it's a pub) and the gloves come off. But first, kisses. Arie and Emily make out and fall more in love; Ryan gives her a fugly necklace; and Kalon tells his boys that he's bummed about the "exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her." Jigga WHAT?!? Ricki Bobby is baggage? Oh hell to the no! After Doug tells Emily what happened, girlfriend's gloves (fake nails) come off. In her own words: "I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his ass." And she does. After barely giving him a chance to explain himself, Emily dismisses Kalon with these choice words: "Get the f*ck out." End scene. (No rose is handed out.) See ya later, Kalon. Best of luck as a "luxury consultant" at a non-existent firm in Houston.

The last date goes to Mr. Fashion, Jef. He rocks a killer outfit and truly nails his position as Best Dressed. The lovers start out at a traditional afternoon tea which is over coached by their hostess, Ms. Jean. The lovers soon ditch the tradition for some pints and fish and chips. Jef consoles Emily about the Kalon incident by saying that if Ricki Bobby is referred to as baggage then she is a Chloe handbag. Oh dear. Um...Jef...no straight man talks about Chloe handbags. Like...I'm getting nervous. You're impeccably dressed, your hair is perfectly-coiffed, and you've yet to kiss Emily. Are you looking for a second opinion, even though your fashion sense is flawless? Gurl, do you have something hiding in your organized closet? Is there something to confess? Nah...I think Jef is a good guy, and he confirms that later in the night, after their dinner in the London Eye. He takes things slowly, maybe in a gay way, but he's a good guy and he likes her. He could be a dark horse. He gets a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Ryan is a douche, Arie gets called out for not standing up for Emily when Kalon was a d-bag, and nothing else happens (besides another good outfit by Jef).

Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Doug
4) Ryan
5) Chris
6) John
7) Travis
8) Arie

Byeeeeee: Kalon and Alejandro. Kalon is a d-bag, and Alejandro wasn't meant for this world. He's a mushroom farmer for baby Jesus's sake.

Awards:
1) Best dressed: Jef
2) Biggest country-fed hood rat: Emily
3) Quote: Emily's "hood rat" gem.

Until next week,
Mike

The Bermuda Triangle of Boring

2012-06-05T00:04:00.001-04:00

After one full week of filming in Emily's hometown, we're off to an island because it's super important that Ricki Bobby (the daughter) isn't disrupted during the show. So we're going to an island in the middle of the ocean. Because that's close to her house. And not disruptive at all. And stuff.

The first date goes to Biceps McGee...I mean Doug, the dad from Seattle. They walk around, write a postcard to his son, and do some good, old-fashioned fault swapping. What is "fault swapping" you ask? It's where you tell each other your shortcomings. For example: "I'm too good of a dad." Or "I do errands in my pajamas." Wow, clearly Doug and Emily are the worst human beings on the planet. And because he's so horrible, he gets a rose. But I'm going on the record right now and saying Doug has some skeletons in his closet and he may or may not have a tendency of throwing women down stairs or something. In addition, he "never makes the first move." Um...are you a dude? They don't kiss. It's ridiculous.

Next up is the group date. We're sailing, and only one team will get to spend the evening with Emily. It's red versus yellow, and there's a regatta at stake. Yellow wins, so that means that Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon get more time with Emily. So...Arie goes first and they totally make out. Next up, my predicted dark horse, Jef. They chill on the beach and connect a bit, but don't kiss and Emily is totally bummed out. It must be the Mormon in him. Ryan is next, and he woos her with nice comments like "you need to hold yourself to a high standard," and "you need to take care of yourself because if you don't you'll be obese." Okay, I made the obese part up, but the other stuff stands. Ryan is quickly usurping Kalon's title of House Villain by being a douche at all times. At the end of the night, the rose goes to Jef. Big hair, for the win!

During the two-on-one, the guys have man time at home and Doug apparently says something about 25-year-olds not having their sh*t together, and Chris takes offense.

The next date is the dreaded two-on-one. She picks two good guys, and I don't envy them one bit. Nate and John get to share Emily for an incredibly awkward day, and...well...it's just awkward. This is truly the Bermuda Triangle of boring. The triangular lovers go on a boat cruise, jump from cliffs and share a non-dinner in some random cave. By "share a non-dinner" I mean they don't eat at all, and Nate refers to the quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") as Key Noah. Yes, Key Noah is a great fiber, according to Nate. Umm...no. Also, no. During his one-on-one time with Emily, Nate continues his word vomit by spewing forth randomisms about his life and then he cries about him family. Nate, you can't cry on a first date. You just can't. Then, John shines (compared to Nate) by being slightly boring and standoffish. John gets the rose.

At the rose ceremony, Chris takes his opportunity to confront Doug on being a ~~wife-beating-piece-of-poo~~ d-bag because he apparently hates people under 30. Chris seems to get his point across, although Doug just plays his perfect "I'm a good dad" role and nothing happens. Later, Ryan has man time with Michael, the pony-tailed dude from Austin, and says something about using his time on the show to position himself for experiences in the future, like being the bachelor from Augusta. Um...no. Your jaw can barely fit on screen this season, we can't possibly try to fit that mess into 12 episodes this winter. There are only so many wide-screens to accommodate that mess. You suck.

Roses go to:
1) Doug
2) Jef
3) John "Wolf"
4) Sean
5) Arie
6) Travis
7) Chris
8) Ryan
9) Kalon
10) Alejandro. Seriously?

Byeeee: Nate, Charlie, Michael

Awards:
1) Best fault: "I'm too good of a dad." - Doug. Wow, you must be horrible.
2) Best weave: Emily's weave at the rose ceremony. No ponytail is that thick. Or that blonde.
3) Frontrunner: Arie
4) Dark horse: Jef

Until next week,
Mike