The Bain Rant

Airport Security- They've watched too much TV

2012-02-22T04:37:00.002+13:00

Now I've been on my fair share of flights around the world, well more than I should have at times.

But that all changed after the events of 9/11.

Now, your casual Nike Free 3.0 shoes that you have just bought and shelled out $200 for- are a weapon of mass destruction.

Que Jaws theme music.

You approach the first line of scrummage. The pointy nosed bastard that checks if your hand luggage is kosher.

"NO!!!" I EXCLAIM LOUDLY, "IM A BUSINESS CLASS PASSENGER I GET MORE ALLOWANCE!!!"

After 375 people before me have said nothing and quite clearly gotten angry with him, but kept quiet, I have gone where no man in the past 7 hours has gone before.

As quick as you can make a fried rice in the back streets of Shanghai- the bloke was barking down his radio for backup.

Now I'm not a huge bloke, I like to juice it up at the gym and maintain a look that the ladies seem to not get enough of, but in Asia us westerners are Godzilla compared to our Asian brothers. Half a dozen blokes later, they still can't figure out I'm a premium customer with my airline of choice therefore I get a much larger carry on allowance.

Que the cute flight attendant wondering through the staff lane. One moment looking at my ticket, barking in Chinese at the now assembled entire forward pack of the Shanghai Pudong Airport security first XV- I was on my way through the first proverbial hurdle.

From one pointy nosed bastard to the other. They all make you seem as though you are an escaped convict and that the mere sight of the smallest of a suspicious item(s) in your baggage they will pile drive you faster than the Hamiltonian hooker that grabbed you that one night in that dark alleyway and you swore to yourself you would never speak of ever again.

Beep. Beep.

"no... Ah.. N.. N.. No... That's a POWER ADAPTER"

...

"No... That's medication, without that I'd go mental and crash the plane, we don't want that do we?" (bad joke, que more groans from yourself and the people behind you as they decide to open your baggage even further"

You may have had a fight with your girlfriend once, or perhaps a 3 year old child, when they don't get what they want, they sit down and cross their arms and refuse to reply with anything but a muffled "MMMMRRRFFF!!!"

Well, that actually WORKS !! Go ahead, find yourself a chair, cross your arms and let those pointy nosed bastards on a meager government wage rip your things apart.

IN FACT, don't wash your clothing for a week, hey even two, then see them close the bag just as fast as they put their beady little eyes on you knowing they were going to attempt to ruin your flight experience.

And whatever you do, don't make a joke about a bomb. Or Muslims.

That ends up in the "secondary search"... And I've been there, you don't want to go into that side room....

Now grab yourself a glass of 12 yr old scotch, slap the ass of the cute flight attendant for a cheeky 'thanks for the help earlier on' and wait for the next round of security checks that come at the end of your flight!

Get off the Bandwagon, Lin is NOT a Legend Yet

2012-02-21T02:34:00.002+13:00

Im a Knicks fan.. But I'm sorry, I have had ENOUGH.

Jeremy Lin, with not even a dozen starts for the Knicks has all of a sudden become an overnight media sensation.

Now I'm sorry, but if he were any other race, nobody would give a flying rats arse. The Chinese media and the fans alike have been looking for a poor sap to fill the void that Yao Ming has left after he retired from the Houston Rockets (he now owns the Shanghai franchise in the Chinese pro league).

Typical Bandwagon over something that barely even muffles in comparison to the careers of Kobe, Shaq, Lebron, d wade, dirk- I could go on all night with names.

What shows how stupid it is is that he was BORN in the USA but china is claiming him as their own when his family is from Taiwan and even they get mobbed on the street by random mindless fans. Oh and I LOVE this, some are saying he's eligible for the Dream Team for the London Olympics.... Well, for start, THEY HAVE ALREADY SELECTED THE SQUAD... secondly, HE'S ONLY PLAYED LESS THAN A DOZEN STARTS FOR THE KNICKS.

One only needs to look at the absolute stupidity of some of the fans, what good is it doing for you and the random family member you are mobbing when they are heading to work in the morning? Jesus H Christ, they probably haven't seen the kid for years- mindless twits.

He's not even close to a legend. Somebody come back to me when he's even near the likes of Blake Griffin- somebody who has only had a few short years in the league, yet consistently is a great player.

LESS THAN A DOZEN GAMES FOR THE KNICKS PEOPLE. WAKE UP AND STOP BEING IDIOTS.

If he were from anywhere else in the world, ESPN may have done a quick 60 second gig on him.

Wake the FUCK up.
Rant complete.

SBW- learn respect

2012-02-08T00:27:00.001+13:00

Sonny Bill Williams

A great athlete? Or an athlete that has made poor decisions, mixed them with good sporting talent, used the media coverage from all of them to create a media icon?

Exactly.

Ladies and Gentlemen, lay your eyes upon the Americanism that is the professional "athlete".

They are good at what they do, but they can't be content with what they have, potentially already millions of dollars.

They never wake up to the fact that they are not business geniuses, that the plethora of "advisers" around them are actually making as much or potentially more than they are out of every deal that is struck. No. They are just as worthy of business as a monkey is to long haul space flight.

Where was he loved and accepted? On the Rugby League field.

Where should he have stayed? EXACTLY THERE.

It was only a few years ago that he cowardly just up and left from the Bulldogs in the NRL, got on a plane and quite simply flipped the bird to the Rugby League community and took a stint in Rugby.

Well, the NRL and the Bulldogs weren't taking that crap. SBW had to end up paying some A$700,000 just to settle his contract. Who paid that may you ask? Well funny enough, many say it was loud-mouth boxer Anthony Mundine. Now, this angry half-drunk blogger actually has severe respect for Mundine, why? He isn't a coward. He didnt just up and leave from a contract, he didn't say to League that 'you guys aren't good enough' and just left the sport altogether. No. He played the game with passion, then moved onto Boxing of where he became world champion and one of the most entertaining boxers this blogger has ever laid eyes on.. (clearly Pacman and the likes of Tyson and Ali and Lewis are another league altogether, but Mundine was great nonetheless).

My rant question is this. SBW, where is the love for League.

How about you wake up with a slap to the face and see that the lovers of the sport are normal people, now I am not unfamiliar with high business, but you must respect those who made you who you are. Six60 said "Don't forget your roots", yet you have gone and done exactly that.

I believe your career is tainted until you return to league, take all the pay you may get from any respective club (FYI YOU SHOULD BE A TRUE KIWI AND SIGN WITH THE WARRIORS) and give those funds to the development of the youth of the sport that look up to you so much so that you are considered a god to those kids.

Nobody remembers the twat that pulled in the big fights, the big cheques, the big money.

Everybody remembers in their heart the guy that took from the big time and gave those who looked up to him the path to succeed and gave them a smile on their face at the same time.

It was Mundine that possibly paid your way out of the Doggies? Well we should have seen you would have gone to boxing after that. Human beings after all are normally only human. But we expected more of you. Seeing your talents are superhuman, your actions in these matters have not been.

Give back to League, the sport that made you who you are. Otherwise forever more there will be that cloud over your head with persons thinking you are a media-monger and the $ and cents are your end game.

Bain (an avid league fan FYI)

Couriers: When They Knock; and Leave the "Calling Card"

2012-02-06T00:31:00.000+13:00

Over a beer and Facebook I am chatting to a friend back in New Zealand over their frustrations of CourierPost and their lack of service.

We both joked about how they would probably turn up at 7am, knock once on the door, literally one knock, then leave a calling card and bugger off again.

Now is that fair?

We got further in our conversation, decided that somebody should do something about it.

Enter Bain and his ranting.

I have written an email to both Close Up on TVNZ / TV1 in New Zealand along with Campbell Live on TV3 in NZ also, below is that exact email.
----------------------

To whom it may concern,

I like many kiwis wish to voice a serious concern over the legitimacy of the service provided by NZ Post, Courier Post and their associated divisions and/or counterparts.

Over the past few years I, along with many other persons whom I have had angry rants with, have had a package or item to be delivered by NZ post or Courierpost, only to have the somewhat potentially lazy courier knock once, or barely knock at all, leave that dreaded calling card telling us they would come back the next business day or to go to the depot on Saturday to collect our package.

Now not only has this happened to me once, but it has actually happened a number of times. Many of my friends and family this has happened to also.

This has gone from a serious annoyance, at times even very inconsiderate to the customer of whom may be waiting for rather important items- to just a casual joke had over a beer with friends, we end up laughing about it and the pathetic service that is sometimes given to customers in this particular way of deliverance of items.

Is this acceptable to the public of whom are the customers? After all, without customers the business itself would cease to exist, would it not?

Is it company policy to identify themselves in a certain manner? Or are they just told to do as they wish. Are the courier drivers directly not following their objectives of their job description and contract? Or are they given complete freedom to be as lazy as they wish as long as in their discretion they have done a decent enough job and they can go home early and leave the packages to the depot to deal with the angry customers.

The dreaded yellow and white slip that they leave under your door has been around long enough, some answers should come from courierpost and NZ post.

I note I have blogged the above email on my blog thebainrant.blogspot.com, also on Facebook to gather interest in this matter as many many persons I have spoken to are downright fed up with this happening to them all the time.

However I now reside in China for business, but I am contactable via the email address of which this has been sent from.

Kind regards,

Brad "Bain" Bainbridge

------------------------ The content speaks for itself.

I already have a reply from Close Up, albeit an automated one, stating they will look into it.

I will monitor progress as I go and let you angry rangers know how we get on.

Bain

Want to Bag a Broad?

2012-01-22T20:48:00.000+13:00

Books,

Now I am not one to brag, but I do like to get involved in a yarn or three at a alcohol-fueled shindig and jive off about this and that- hoping that the smoking hot blonde across the way hears me bellow said bullshit so that she thinks I am a keeper and things get real later on that night.

How does one get to have such spectacular knowledge though?

Well, gone are the days of BOOKS.

You remember them, it may take you thinking back a few years, all those trees they cut down just so our brains can induce information that most of us would never use again?

Now most people think, righto- I am going to grab a book, look like a smart bastard and go for it.

Most of us get to page 15, sly off into another thing to do or jump on youporn.com.

Thats the way modern literature is- outdated, overly priced and quite simply too time consuming.

The virgins in silicon valley saw this a few years ago, such products as the Kindle came out. Now, not so shockingly, the product was a flop. Do yourself a favor, try and count ten people you know with a kindle faster than ten people you know with an iPhone. You cant.

Steve "Ballin" Jobs (now deceased and rick rolling Abe Lincoln at 2-7 lowball triple draw in the afterlife, daily) came out with products that literally spread faster than that rash you had that one time that you never went to the doctors about. Yet the virgins at Apple decided they could take this a step further, get books onto the product that every monkey and his tick seemed to have his hands on (the iPhone).

iBooks was born.

Now for those of you who have a bookshelf near them at home or their office, jump up off your arse, waddle over there and pick up a dozen big suckers from the bookshelf. Heavy, aint it?

Now jump on your iPhone, or iPad, or whatever "i" gadget you have and grab a dozen books from the iBooks store. A great number of titles are for free, I myself downloaded a dozen of those suckers last night after a few too many burbouns.

Not so heavy to carry those dozen books around now, eh?

So, I emplore you, grab a decent bottle of strong liquor, biff it all over that bookshelf- and let that mother burn to the ground. Dont forget to save some for yourself though, as thats just a crying shame if you dont.

Books are gone for the count.

Now if you excuse me, I am flicking through Charles Darwin's "The Origin of Species"- maybe the next broad I meet at a party has the hots for evolutionary theory, you never know.

Bain

Tennis- the Game that "Aint On Time"

2012-01-10T22:01:00.001+13:00

This being that time of year where there are quite significant Tennis tournaments in the local area (New Zealand & Australia). All the big name players are in town, or across the ditch at various feeder tournaments that build up to the Australian Open. Tennis was once the sport of kings, on par with Equestrian racing and football. Now it has many other sports to compete with in what is the modern marketplace of television rights, advertising sales, merchandising and putting bums on seats to fill stadiums. An utter snake pit where games can be held for seconds, minutes, even moved to ungodly hours of the morning or night to benefit offshore broadcast markets. Players are sometimes put at the mercy of this multi trillion dollar business - that is professional sport. Lets face it, most professional sports that bring in the big bucks have a ethos that evolves around the clock, prime example being football which is the sport that has the highest net profit each year- running off the clock at 90 minutes, plus added stoppage time give or take 1-10 minutes as determined by the referee's assistant. So where is tennis lacking where other sports prosper? To become an elite tennis player is no easy task, these players are incredible athletes that required years of training just to even reach the world tour. Only exceptional talent there on in gets them to the purses that net sometimes millions of dollars- PER TOURNAMENT. Yet, games can sometimes drag on continuously without merit to the sport itself. It is great to see games that can continue onwards throughout the evening, even into the early hours of the momring- however this should be kept to team sports only. Putting an individual through that strain of absolute competitive effort for sometimes (going by the world records) a day and a half solid because of the meaningless tie-breakers. Time after time with only small exception, the player that has an extremely long and drawn out late-night game that goes into the early morning tends to lose their next match. This is down to one thing, the player is tired, far more so than their opponent that may have only had a straight sets victory. This brings to light the issue of time. Quite simply put, if tennis were played on a set time limit then players would prepare for games knowing how long they were in for and another competitive streak would come out in them in the closing stages of the match knowing they have only so little time left to save themselves- as you see in stoppage time in football. We should see matches of which a time of possibly 2 hours is enforced. With finals being 3 hours. Obviously the debate on how long these matches would go would be a debate that would go on for years, and be changed numerous times. Yet, players would be more protected, broadcasting rights would be maintained and advertisers would be able to sufficiently plan their projects around games that would seemingly only go for a set time. Officials and tournament organisers also would be fresher off at the end of the day, only having to officiate at a far less strenous schedule. So, why is Tennis not run on the clock?

The NZ Moose- Bain Reveals its TRUE Identity

2011-04-23T18:06:00.000+12:00

Recently Hallenstein's have put together an advertising campaign to give $100,000 as a bounty to anybody who can provide video and photographic evidence that the New Zealand Moose still exists.

Wikipedia has the down-low about the NZ Moose:
In 1900 an attempt to introduce moose into the Hokitika area failed and ten moose, four bulls and six cows, were introduced into Fiordland in 1910. The last proven sighting of a moose in New Zealand was in 1952.^[21] A moose antler was found in 1972 and DNA tests showed that hair collected in 2002 was from a moose. Extensive searching has been carried out and while automated cameras failed to capture photographs, evidence was seen of bedding spots, browsing and antler marks.

At The Bain Rant (name soon to be changed as we expand to greater things) we uncovered the true identity of the New Zealand Moose. You may be shocked at first as to who it is but one must think about the fact that the footage seen of the NZ moose exactly resembles this person.

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the NEW ZEALAND MOOSE

Anton Brcic; He refused to make comment as he was foraging for food

Rugby Overkilled and Oversold?

2011-04-22T20:00:00.000+12:00

Going to a private high school (St Kentigerns) it was largely a Rugby school and to my annoyance didnt have a League team as I would have played that.

Being around Rugby for those years made me appreciate its finer aspects of the game that many a man would be able to converse over. However over the past few years and especially this year I have become absolutely sick of the amount of games on TV and the over-saturation that makes me just change the channel when a rugby match comes on (excluding All Blacks games).

US$437 million was the price that international broadcasters had to fork out for the Super 15 television rights. That clearly states how overbought the game is and it has really gone to the levels that the IPL in India did when they started to bring in dancing girls and adverts after every single delivery and every over.

It discourages fans to watch games when so many corporates put their plug in the broadcasting, they end up just wanting to watch the game and not all the frills that come along with it.

What is more annoying is that in the past decade, the "Super 12" has gained three more teams- to become the "Super 15". The Western Force (Perth), Cheetahs (South Africa) and the Rebels (Melbourne) have joined into the comp, I assume that the best way to describe their entrance in the competition as a money-grabbing ploy.

They do not benefit the game (apart from the Force who have improved in the past years and the Rebels winning the occasional game). It creates a corporate machine that just makes the entire competition about regimented televised games, so many games so that the crowds just stay at home and watch it on TV because a live rugby match is not as celebrated as it has been in years gone by.

This being World Cup year, it also adds in the circus that comes along with any world cup. Teams are talked about every day in the media, sometimes even over much more important happenings from other sporting codes.

If you say something once, it may get attention.

But if you say something 1000 times, it gets monotonous and boring.

This is exactly what Rugby has become in the modern day. We need to forget all the circus acts and get back to the game, maybe then more would be interested in it and a younger generation will come to respect them more instead of the calibers of sponsorships they have.

You Dont Have Facebook?!

2011-04-21T15:12:00.000+12:00

Facebook has set the standard for what has to be considered as one of the most successful companies of all time, on par with Microsoft, Apple, Google and only a few other tech-giants.

Everybody has Facebook now, world leaders, dignitaries from Royal Families, restaurants, sports teams, comedians, zoo's, businesses all types big and small- they are all on Facebook.

It is not because they want to join the bandwagon in regards to another social fad. Facebook is something that has created a new realm in the way the world keeps in contact with each other. It is easy to use and it reaches across all borders, making no wrong step.

I have been in heated argument recently with Anton Brcic.. One of the lads that currently lives in Dunedin. Over the years, he has furiously denied to get a Facebook, without really providing any real excuse for his actions.

He explains that he does not want to be part of the Bandwagon, however his actions are now at a point where one may consider him to be a social introvert if he carries on this way. People cannot communicate with him efficiently, he misses out on news and events and he is always way behind the conversation when everybody else brings up a conversation in person- there have been many times when he has had to be told that if he had Facebook he would know what we are talking about at that time.

I decided to get into this a bit deeper, the scientific side of this. Surely, I may think he is being a knob about this, but there must be some psychological reasoning behind this?

Introversion (from Lat. Intros - "inside" and vertere - "seek") - a notion introduced by Carl Gustav Jung in the work of Psychologische Typen (Psychological Types, 1921). In psychology, it means a personality trait involving a tendency to drive one's perceptions, actions, thoughts and emotions inside, resulting in reduced interest in activity directed to the outside world.

That pretty much takes the words right out of my mouth. Wikipedia says it all. Anton clearly subjects himself on purpose to avoid outside contact with the world- in this example the persons that are on Facebook.

Therefore, I can now call him a retard with good reason.

Curry- Friend or Foe?

2011-04-20T14:42:00.000+12:00

Today I decided to go through the kitchen to see what I could make my girlfriend for dinner, she isn't a huge fan of spicy food, even a tiny bit of pepper in a dish and she will notice and have a sulk.

So as you can see, I must be careful with what sort of dish I make, as the slightest slip up and I am in trouble with the missus. One thing she loves is butter chicken.

Whenever I ask her what she wants for dinner, I get an excited reply about either McDonald's or Butter Chicken. The pity is that whenever she eats that gracious mild tasting curry, she never finishes her portion. She gets into it so much that 3/4 of the way through she has yet another sulk and decides she cant finish it off- Hey, more for me!

India is widely known around the western- and eastern- world as the birthplace of efficient bowel movements. Dont bother with your daily dose of fiber, or having shakes or multi-vitamins that would increase your digestive system's ease of operation- Curry is the way to go.

However, there is just not one dish.. Have a look below at Bain's Guide to Curry:

Bains Guide To Curry!

Om Nom?

Korma - mild, yellow in colour, with almond and coconut powder
Dupiaza/Dopiaza - medium curry the word means "double onion" referring to the boiled and fried onions used as its primary ingredient.
Pasanda - a mild curry sauce made with cream, coconut milk, and almonds.
Roghan Josh (from "Roghan" (fat) and "Josh" (energy/heat - which as in English may refer to either 'spiciness' or temperature)) - medium, with tomatoes
Bhuna - medium, thick sauce, some vegetables
Dhansak - medium/hot, sweet and sour sauce with lentils (originally a Parsi dish). This dish often also contains pineapple.
Madras - fairly hot curry, red in colour and with heavy use of chili powder
Patia - generally similar to a Madras with lemon juice and tomato purée
Jalfrezi - onion, green chili and a thick sauce
Vindaloo - this is generally regarded as the classic "hot" restaurant curry, although a true Vindaloo does not specify any particular level of spiciness. The name has European origins, derived from the Portuguese "vinho" (wine) and "alho" (garlic)
Phaal - extremely hot.
Tindaloo - Extremely hot in a similar vein to Phaal. Generally only found around Bradford[citation needed] and the north in general.
Afghan - with chickpeas.
And lest we forget, Butter Chicken. It is not actually a traditional curry dish per-say, it is said to have been invented in the UK to cater to the pallets of westerners that could not handle the spicier dishes.

The word "curry" is an anglicized version of the Tamil word kari (கறி), meaning 'sauce,' which is usually understood to mean vegetables/meat cooked with spices with or without a gravy.. You learn something every day huh?

Be Gone !!!

The danger about curries however, is that they can cause -at worst- to rip you a new one. It is no lie that the plumbing industry internationally must be in some sort of religious cult to continue to serve the public with high volumes of curry, blocking up toilets and portaloos everywhere. The longer curries are served on our dinner tables, the longer these guys get their pockets stuffed with cash from late night emergency call-outs because of blocked pipes.

We must take this cult down. But is a boycott of curry really worth it?

The answer that this blogger thinks is the best is one that is clearly very simple. Wipe out those beef vindaloos. Dont even bother with a Tika Misala. Stick to Butter Chicken, youll be able to wash it down with a nice coke or beer- youll be safe and sound.

Verdict: Curry is a friend. Secretive Religious Cults are foe.

The Bain Shame!

2011-04-19T16:37:00.000+12:00

This is a new edition to "The Bain Rant", we will publish it every Tuesday after the weekends' sports are all done and dusted and we will shame the biggest moron(s) in sport at that time. Enjoy!

Our first one was a no-brainer, this is brought to you direct from the Valero Texas Open, Kevin Na cards a 16 on the par-4 9th hole at the AT&T Oaks Course.. A PGA tour record. This sort of thing happens all the time when Cuzin Gaza steps onto the tee at Takapuna..

The Weekend Sports Rant- 15-18th April

2011-04-19T16:29:00.000+12:00

This is a weekly feature, which will be posted every Tuesday. "The Bain Shame" will be posted directly after this, it will also be done every Tuesday. Enjoy!! -Bain.

As always, this blue blooded male decided to sit in front of the box and indulge in all 8 NRL games for the weekend and also a few Super 15 Rugby matches, an NBA playoff match and of course I just flicked past the Netball. I did also see some quirky sporting plays and I will give them our all new "The Bain Shame" at the end of this blog.

Oh, Honest bro, I didnt do nefing!!!

First off lets get onto the NRL. As many of you know by now- a field of monkeys dressed in black could do a better job than those knobs at certain times in the season. However, due to geographical constraints, many of us are forced to support our home team. They suffered yet another expected loss against the Manly Sea Eagles this weekend, 20-10. Im not going to even get into this. Ivan Cleary needs to go. The Warriors seem to be useless without Manu, its just all going downhill unless they sort it out. I guarantee you, today they will just be back at training, running about like there is nothing wrong. Ivan will be pushing them too hard- which any thick skinned Warriors fan knows is the wrong way to go. The warriors are a team that need to be given artistic license with their game. Push them too hard, they crumble under the pressure and the Australian imports have to drag the rest of the team along by maintaining some sort of decent +/- scoreline when they lose. Cleary- go find a cheese grater and take it to your nether-regions. Maybe then you'll stimulate growth and you'll grow some balls to get things done or stand down.

In other news in the NRL, there was EXCEPTIONAL biffo in the Para' Eels v Doggies match- the ref's were trigger happy this week in referrals on report.. Hot off the press from the NRL judiciary is that there have been these following suspensions handed down:

Grade 2 striking charge on Payne and will miss two games with an early guilty plea. Payne faces a Grade 3 careless high tackle for his hit on the Eels fullback and will miss his side’s match against the Rabbitohs if he takes the early plea.
Wests Tigers forward Chris Heighington was charged with a Grade 2 careless high tackle on Titan Greg Bird in the 36th minute of their clash and could miss his side’s Friday night game with the Broncos.
Knights’ Steve Southern, Sharks’ Paul Gallen and Raiders Josh McCrone were all handed Grade 1 charges but will all be free to play if they take the early guilty plea.

In the Rugby this weekend, nothing much happened other than another plethora of overkill in the Rugby scene worldwide, making it a sport that has far too much market saturation and when the World Cup comes around they will even be selling All Blacks dog muzzles, along with every other goddamn product they can rape for branding. The Blues smashed the Warratahs 31-17 at Eden Park over the weekend, but the stadium was miserably empty because of the torrid weather. Is this a sign of things to come with the minnows' matches at the RWC?

"I'm getting TACO BELL after this game!!! YEAH BOY!!!"

In the NBA, playoff season got into full throttle. For those of you who are narrow minded maggots, this is the time you should start to pay attention to the big guns in the game because this is where it counts. High flying teams such as the Spurs, Lakers and the Celtics have all suffered early losses in their match-ups in the first round, but there is still time for them to come back. This blogger is getting on the bandy right away when the finals series comes along- fo' sho' !

As for the netball, well, they are a bunch of raving Lesbians anyway. So keep on munchin', girls.

The upcoming week's NRL Matches are juicy, as usual. Here are the dates and times of the upcoming weekends games for you slobbering brain dead morons that cant remember what games are on when, along with Bain's picks... (picks are underlined)

FRIDAY

Manly Sea Eagles v Penrith Panthers at Brookvale Oval, 9:35pm

Wests Tigers v Brisbane Broncos at Sydney Football Stadium, 9:35pm

SATURDAY

Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks v North Queensland Cowboys at Toyota Stadium, 7:30pm

Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs v South Sydney Rabbitohs at ANZ Stadium, 9:30pm

SUNDAY

Canberra Raiders v Newcastle Knights at Canberra Stadium, 4:00pm

Parramatta Eels v Gold Coast Titans atParramatta Stadium, 5:00pm

Sydney Roosters v St George Illawarra Dragons at Sydney Football Stadium, 6:00pm

MONDAY

Melbourne Storm v New Zealand Warriors at AAMI Park, 9:00pm

Coming up next.... The Bain Shame!!!

Can You Pronounce 'Speech Impediment' ??

2011-04-18T21:22:00.000+12:00

This evening, while I was minding my own business and watching TV, a curious bystander- for privacy reasons we will call her "Emma"- was talking to me about my new blog and its success thus far (which is great by the way guys, 100 views a day and climbing, keep it up!) and she proceeded to asking me something that caused a huge ruccus in the Bain household...

"Are you going to have another rant?", she asked.

The question wasnt the funny part that got me worked up. It was how she pronounced 'rant' like "rahhnt".

Now dont get me wrong, she is a top class lass, but I have known of Sea Manatees that could pronounce the certain particulars of the English language with better prowess than the display I had just seen.

I was lost for words.

Gavin- for once off the bottle for one night of the week- was in hysterics.

Charlotte was even more so shocked that she decided to get on the internet and have a search as to how the proper pronunciation should be.

Duhhhhh....

Indeed, "Emma" was wrong. I decided to play the sound 20 times over just to piss her off even more so.

So the next time you say something that you have no idea how to pronounce, dont be a twit. Just think for a second and say something else that would relate to the word in question.

For the record: Sea Manatee's are lovely, harmless creatures. People that say words incorrectly should not be trusted, and culled right away in genocidal fashion.

The Royal Rant

2011-04-18T16:56:00.000+12:00

Today, I flicked through my TIME Magazine which popped into my letterbox when the post-women finally put down her crack pipe and got her job done at three P.M. in the afternoon.

I do like that particular publication, it broadens the mind and makes you see more of the world from your own couch instead of having to put up with pointless television adverts (which I will get onto in another rant shortly... stay turned). I flick to page 4....

What do I see?

MORE TRIPE ABOUT THE UPCOMING ROYAL WEDDING?!?!?!?!??!

I pay a good $145.00 NZ Dollars a year for my TIME Magazine subscription. That's the same as 7 dozen beers from Countdown Greenlane (if you get the cheap ones... Bruer for example, good value and a good spot of brew that is..). Now why the bloody hell should I waste anymore money on something that has its hand in the pocket of such activities which make my blood pressure rise? Now I must confess, I don't give a flying hootananny about the Royal Wedding. The Prince is just another twat that needs dental work and a real reality check. Sure, he has done the Royal thing instead of staying home and having his old man do the dirty deed with him out back in the garden shed- he went to the Armed Forces and stayed in the trenches so that he wouldn't be a target that stood out from a mile away. I don't care that he can handle a firearm at his side- every joker and his monkey in Chechnya can do that, you dont see them on cereal boxes and having one hand on a royal throne do you?

Alright then, Love?

Kate isn't half bad, Ill give you that. Every scouser and his dog will be claiming to the tabloids that they gave her a go- I would be proud of that as well. I contacted a few of my sources over the social-network-globe and asked them about their thoughts on Kate and the talent she provides, the consensus was the same with one anonymous Facebook'er quoted as saying "erotic enough for a thrash but wouldnt be marrying the skank".

A Royal Wedding invite is something that ol' Ritchie McCaw turned down recently, saying that he would rather focus on his rugby. Don't blame the bloke, except one thing mate, you haven't been on the pitch for MONTHS.

This blogger would have accepted that invite, charged the first class trip on the Emirates A380 (they have showers in their first class cabins- absolutely brilliant) to the crown, then I would have taken as much Moet & Chandon that my digestive system could handle then I would have shimmied my way into the speeches. Surely the Queen wouldnt mind a bit of ribbing.

A bride that deserves a porking, a male public that would drop everything to do so, wedding guests declining invites- this is all going to end in tears.

Get In The Kitchen and Make Me a Sandwich

2011-04-17T21:50:00.000+12:00

In further thought about my previous rant, one begins to think more about the times that have passed.

And food.

Recently I was in conversation with one of the female kind- Shocking enough that they are allowed to talk in public. In Iran you would be lashed on the back eighty times for having an opinion.

IT ALL WENT BLOODY DOWNHILL FROM HERE

She was reaching out on facebook asking whom could supply a spare washing machine. Mighty strong words considering that all women were meant to be seen and not heard only some 50 years ago. Those were simpler times, when the washboard was describing a key tool in legal slavery- and not how your chest looks be you a fake-tanned Italian-American or a Bulgarian hammer throw athlete.

So when you are confronted with a situation when you see the ways of old being challenged, get that whip out- bring the power back to where it bloody well belongs. Far too many men end up sitting at home on Friday night, watching Americas Next Top Model just so they have the slightest of chance of getting coitus. After all that work, it usually ends up in the man sitting there while the girl jumps on Facebook or Twitter and incessantly nagging and gossiping about how this hair style and that eye makeup.

It makes me sick to the gut to see this injustice occur. Get some bloody salami, ham, chicken, hey- even fry up some sausages and cut them up.. Then go to the store and get some freshly baked bread and cut it by hand. Spread it with hummus and mayonaise and dont skimp on that either- thats just being lazy.

Hell, while youre at it, bake a cake, hand make the frosting from scratch and roast the chicken and kumura for the nights dinner.

Don't BLOODY skimp on the mayo- just remember Iran is only a short flight away.

Jews Take Over Your Taste Buds

2011-04-17T16:19:00.001+12:00

If you have the sanity and the sufficient amount of heavy liquor to keep hold of said sanity, you could sit down with your elder-statesmen/women and ask them about the "old days".

They might say times were great, it was a simpler time. Or one might have to be subject to an angry rant about how we have things so much better than they did, that they had to work for their dollar, that they had to fight in war and do things that no man should do, just so that we "had it good".

No matter what the reply is, you must open with a reply after they take their first breath- What was the food like?

I would not be alone in saying that I have seen many films and the like that show "old time" diners and fast food joints with the bubbly blondes on rollerskates bringing you a good ole cheeseburger and fries. Those were good times. A man could eat a cheeseburger and not be hassled about the calorie intake, or how many cattle could be mushed together to make up the burger patty that you might be chomping down on.

It all changed in the 50's. The original McDonald's was founded in 1940 by the McDonald brothers. But, the franchised company that we know as McDonald's today began in Des Plaines, Illinois in April of 1955. The original and first McDonald's was in San Bernardino, California- just a simple minded burger stand, they cut back all the trimmings and staff- making a scenario that would change the modern world forever.

Fast Food was born.

Now some of you will be thinking- what sort of rant is this?
I will cut to the punch line.

Some of you might love fast food more than what might be seemed as a "healthy" way of life. I myself have been very proud at times, devouring sometimes nearly a dozen cheeseburgers from McDonalds. Modern media and the proverbial damn tree huger have made such epic meals the issue of which the debate on modern obesity has been spawned.

What's really in the "special sauce"...

Recently in New Zealand, there has been significant outcry in regards to the powers-that-be from the McDonalds corporation taking the Chicken McCheese off their menu's nationwide. I wont lie, it was a bloody great burger.

At the Bain household, Gavin (my fragrant top-shelf-liquor-connoisseur flatmate) and I, along with many others, sampled what was to be the great re-release of the Chicken McCheese from McDonalds. It was like an orgasm in the mouth. Now, here at "The Bain Rant" we aim to maintain a certain level of maturity about things- but some situations demand that a rant turns ugly, language might be used that may be regrettable, comparisons may be made that may offend some, but tough cookie.

The first day of the Chicken McCheese being back? I had 3.
Day two? I have 5
Day three? Gavin comes home, sits on the couch and angrily states "THEY DONT MAKE THEM ANYMORE!?!!?"

Needless to say, this blogger, with his high blood pressure, lack of anti depressant medication at the time and extreme anger from a losing Warriors- I was dark about the seemingly Jewish move from McDonalds executives to tease the money-paying-public in New Zealand.

When is it coming back? Will it ever come back at all? I for one am extremely angry. I will maintain a level of civility about it and not barrage this blog post with a series of English and non-English words of profanity- other than to say that these Jews who decided it wasnt good enough to keep on their golden-arch menu need to pull their finger out of their nose, stop counting their Rutherford's ($100 NZ Bill for those not too sharp) and get their act sorted. Otherwise the Bain will be knocking down their door with a serious Rambo mood because I had to get off the couch.

As my blood pressure receded, I then focused on the next exciting installment that would strike the fast food scene shortly in New Zealand- The KFC double down. From the get go- this portion of deep fried godliness has raised extreme debate, to say the least.

Direct from the KFC website itself- which is run in the end of it all by YUM Brands in the United States (whom I must state I have no affiliation with)- takes the words right out of mouth when they describe the Godzilla of modern day over-the-counter burgers:

"This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun"

There is no need for a bun.

Jabba the Hutt- Eat Your Heart Out

This had foodies up in arms- many heart attacks were induced even before the burger was finally sent to the public. However, be it the backward nation that New Zealand is, our loyal KFC-buying community has to wait.... and wait..... and wait..... have a dozen then wait some more..... until finally the Jewish powers-that-be decided that the Double Down burger was going to hit New Zealand's shores.

This got me thinking. A rant was sure to come out of this, as does most situations in my point of view.

What if those Jewish tools that operate the menu in New Zealand decide it is a promotion and they will keep it on for a short period of time, then take it off the menu- leaving all the lovers of the burger feeling like crack addicts, shaking and agitated with even the smallest of things that life could throw at them?

No "official" statement has been made about the length of which the Double Down burger would be served at KFC restaurants nationwide. But if they pull this burger off the menu, I will start an angry mob.

I couldnt care less about my health, I would rather have the juicy goodness that these sorts of foods supply. They give everybody a feel-good-happy-go-lucky-Anton-Brcic-is-a-muppet feeling that no other food group can.

Ever felt that great after eating an Eggplant? Didnt bloody well think so.