The BanterCast

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: The Riots

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 02:58:00 +0000

An emergency C.R.O.T.C.H today, getting rightly pissed off with all the commentary and bullshit surrounding the riots, here we go:

The riots in the UK or "Why a bunch of commercialised fuckwads on summer holidays decided to show the world how fucking vile British people can be"

Lots of people blaming all sorts for the riots, they're all wrong of course, here's why.

"It's David Cameron's fault cos he's dead posh and shit"

OK I agree Cameron is a worthless piece of shit, born with a sliver spoon up his arse and hates anyone who didn't go to Eton, but he didn't start the British culture of masturbating over celebrity culture, commercialism, racism, laziness and the feeling the Government owes them a living.

Fuck U Cam'run we stealin dem Mars Bars

"It's just London cos it's full of blacks innit"

The peaceful demonstration that took place before the riots was almost exclusively attended by black people. The looting and rioting started then suddenly the crowds started looking whiter and whiter. How the fuck is thieving a 42 inch TV in a transit van anything to do with protesting police brutality against a black man?

"It's rap music that warps them kids, even the white kids are starting to talk like blacks now"

Nice bit of blatent generalisation and racism there. Look, I listen to rap music more than director of the MOBO awards, and let me tell you the little fuckers riding out of London on their BMX's carrying a Blu-ray player under there arms don't sound anything like rap musicians or American gangsters.

These shits listen to rap music and hear 50 Cent, Eminem etc talking about how they had to deal drugs, kill or steal to make a living and think they are in a similar predicament.

REALITY CHECK FUCKWADS, those people didn't have anything like welfare, child benefits or giros to help them, they had nothing.

Lets send every gangster-wannabe shitwad to Compton and see how long they last with their half-cockney half-2Pac accents.

"People are generalising the working class and calling them all chavs, these poor white people are the last group in Britain where it's socially accepted to insult."

Are you fucking kidding me? Poor WHITE people? Yeah the repressed white folk of England, poor sods they've had a hard life of repression and racism thrown against them.

Sorry did I say against? I meant FROM.

BNP doesn't stand for Black National Party you fuckers, white folk are in poverty because they are lazy worthless pieces of shit who prefer hand-outs to working for a living.

Yeeeee man we iz protesin an shit

"It's all these immigrants taking money from England even though they wasn't born here, them lot taking all the jobs making all the white people unemployed"

Get a fucking grip, immigrants are among the hardest working people IN Britain, you think they left their families to go to predominately racist country so they could live off benefits, or was it possibly to escape death/poverty and the potential for a better life.

I could just imagine Dave A sitting on his partially-obese arse, playing on his Xbox 360 he bought with his jobseekers allowance, (which he's been on for 8 years) pack of Lambert and Butler in one hand, 2-litre bottle of Strongbow in the other, calling his friend Dave B on his Blackberry asking what he's "up ta today", casually insulting an Asian woman he just saw on Ready Steady Cook, wanking off over his Dad's (Cousin's) copy of Brazzers then getting dressed and going out at 10pm to smash up a curry restaurant "cos them people shouldn't be 'ere takin' all ar jobs man".

"These kids have got nothing, they're so bored"

Cry me a river you little cunt. Have nothing? So the council flat/house they live in for free, the food vouchers and living allowances they receive, the job centre advice they get (and ignore) is all nothing?

Maybe you should turn that freshly-stolen Plasma TV on to BBC World News and see what's going on in the world. People fighting to live, people rebuilding their houses after a fucking great earthquake knocked it down, people fighting against government violence toward PEACEFUL PROTESTS - the UK is a safe and pleasant place to live, don't give me any of that bullshit.

If you are in a position to be bored, you find something to do, something that doesn't involve injuring random people and property, it's not fucking hard to NOT hurt someone.

If you have a TV, games console or books at home, (that last item was a joke by the way) that's already worth more than most people in the 3rd world earn in 5 years.

No one "owes" you anything, you want something to cure your boredom? Go out and fucking work for it, or study for qualifications that will get you a job so you can buy it. It's not rocket science for fucks sake.

Dem Jeans gonna look well good when I pick up me giro 2moro

Other fucked up things:

*In the UK we PAY 6th Form college students to stay in school. If they complete a full weeks attendance they get cash. Note it doesn't matter if they sit in the classroom texting/whacking off, and ultimately get an F-minus, at least they've been to college innit.

Fucking ridiculous. Any other country would have people begging for education and a chance to have a better job/life, maybe because they have to pay for it by working hard.

Even with the recent University fees increase, a British degree is ridiculously cheap compared to other countries. I know in Japan it costs £9,000 per semester at minimum and there are no student loan companies. Thanks to all that bullshit, British degrees are now worthless.

*We have a culture of benefit frauds. What other country has masses of lazy shit-sucking twat-wads who'd rather sit on their arses and expect the government to pay them through life?

Seriously name one please. It is fucking insulting that we have to have people going around checking disabled people to see if they can actually walk and aren't just faking it.

You know what happens if you get cancer or your leg blown off in other countries? You pay for the operation or you die. Any help they get is from family members or volunteers. Who would fake injury or illness if that's how you got help? Benefit frauds should be shipped to Somalia, no questions asked.

*We have a drinking culture worse than a thousand Irelands, one that encourages drinking and twattish behaviour from a young age. Where some countries these statements would be heard in an AA meeting, these are acceptable daily cuntisms heard in any part of the UK:

"How many pints you have last night? Six? You fucking puff!"

"Was drinking all last night, was fucking wasted!" "Fucking ace mate"

"You off out for drinks on Friday, Saturday & Sunday night?" "Nah not Sunday" "Fucking puff"

"I had four lagers, moved onto cider then was on Bacardi till the end of the night." "Barcardi? Fucking pufter"

After your lobotomy, you can be just like us kids!

*We have a celebrity culture that breeds a nation of X-Fuckter contestants and brainless Hello magazine reading retards.

When young people are surveyed about what they want to be when they grown up, the answer is usually "famous". Not famous footballer or famous singer, just famous.

When we have reality shows that allow brain-damaged morons to dick about on TV during prime time, you know something is wrong. Geordie Shore being possibly the ultimate example of what is wrong with culture in the UK. Drunken, talentless, fat, shitheaded, worthless pieces of shit allowed to be be on TV. Those people should have full-time carers and padded helmets, not a camera crew. Kids are probably thinking these reality stars don't have any qualifications or brain cells, so why should I?

If that is all the people have to look forward to in life, why not just kill yourself right now and save us all some (air) time.

Rant end / conclusion

So if everyone is mollycoddled, commercialised and boozed-up from a young age, of course these kids are going to grow up wanting expensive electronic gadgets, £200 trainers and fast cars, but at the same time they're not going to want to work for them.

They'll blame the police, government, a random ethnic group that lives 2-doors down or anyone else that isn't themselves.

But it all boils down to this.

The vicious circle:

Step 1: Parents are lazy benefit-sucking shits who don't work for a living because they get more money living off giros.

Step 2: Kids shoot out the vaginas of these people who become like their scum bag parents.

Step 3: Repeat from Step 1 until country internally explodes.

OK I'd done now, I'm just going to re-watch the clip of the injured boy getting mugged while shredding my British passport.

Catch-a-looter

Bin Laden's MTV Cribs Episode Postponed

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Tue, 10 May 2011 01:25:00 +0000

Recently made dead Al Qaeda head honcho Osama Bin Laden’s Abbottabad crib was to be featured in MTV Cribs special it has been revealed

Terror chief had filmed only half of the 30 minute episode

MTV to sue Obama administration for programme loss

GUTTED MTV Cribs bosses looking to air the Osama Bin Laden Abbottabad episode are desperately attempting to salvage what was supposed to be a well kept exclusive. “We had signed the slippery fucker on a four episode deal”, said a disillusioned high level MTV programming exec yesterday, “Osama said he was to move every three months so we naturally thought we were onto a series winner”

Bin Laden who had numerous bitching abodes around the mountainous borders of Afghanistan and Pakistan region had customized his Abbottabad crib with luxury plasma screen TV’s, JBL stereo equipment and heated toilet seats for the notoriously chilly sub continental winter. “he was a guy who knew how to evade capture in style, a bit like J-Lo or Whitney Houston, he could of course be a bit of a diva now and then, but a full on darling when the camera’s started rolling” said Cribs chief make up artist Steve Sassy

Monsieur Bin Laden died after an 80 minute siege on his Abbottabad Crib by US special forces on May 1st “we had been trying to get Osama for years” said Chad Williams, MTV senior programming acquisitions executive.

The only saving grace for saddened MTV bosses is the footage of Osama’s Andy Warhol-ed themed Panic Room which is claimed to reveal the terror chiefs “softer, artistic side” and although he wasn’t known to be the biggest fan of American culture it is claimed he “possessed several high end western art pieces including a Brian De Palma signed photo of Tony Montana from the movie Scarface”

Asked whether the Abbottabad Cribs ep is to be aired at some point Williams exclaimed “ if the US forces and Obama administration think they can take down the Pakistani governmental walls of national sovereignty they certainly had not cleared it with MTV Cribs” he continued “we are taking this breach of our programming rights seriously, we also had this shit happen when Saddam Hussein had signed on for a Cribs Christmas special in 2006”

BanterCast Show Notes: Episode 5

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 05:54:00 +0000

Bet you weren't expecting a new episode so soon eh?
Taking advantage of the fact that both BanterCasters are still in Japan, we record another banterous show packed to the brim with banterisms.

Not only do we have the first episode of "Dave and his robot wife" debuting on the show, but we also have an exclusive clip of "Quantum Creep", which BanterCast fans will remember as being No.3 in the "TV shows that almost got made" back in episode 3.
Hopefully "Desperate Houseslaves" and "Guantanamo Baywatch" are not too far behind...

Of course have another banteristic top 10 this episode, plus all your usual favourites like "banterous links", "I can't believe they do that" plus something special for those who stick around after the show has finished...

Also in the episode, we have a new direction for the show - real music! We're starting off with a great track from UK-born band DiabloRose.

If you're a fan of the track, check them out on Facebook, if you're not - it's a podcast so it's quite easy to skip ahead that part of the show innit.

Remember to send us Facebook/Twatter messages so we can take the piss on the next episode, plus it would be really helpful if any of you with an iTunes account to give us a quick rating on there.

On with the banter!

Download episode 5

The BanterCast: Episode 5 "Quantum Creep"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 12:51:00 +0000

Episode 5 - "Quantum Creep" The Tabbzy & Charltzy Show, also known as The BanterCast.

This week the lads leave no ethnic or racial group unscathed in this jam packed episode.

The agenda for this episode:

*BanterCast Ripoffs, Urban Dic words
*The Banter Network (Your FakeBook comments)
*Dave and his Robot Wife - Episode 1
*Banterous Links (Inc.Racist Gas Companies!)
*An exclusive clip from Quantum Creep!
*Top 10 (Boring Sports made more interesting)
*Music from DiabloRose
*I can't believe they do that..in Japan (Pissing games and pissed up monks)
*Google Window!

Plus some outrageous outtakes...

This Episode of The BanterCast was sponsored by Father Jack Michaelson at the Quantum Creep Project

Download Episode 5

BanterCast Show Notes: Episode 4

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 07:59:00 +0000

It was a year and a half in the making, but it finally happened - episode 4 of the BanterCast - rejoice!

We'd like to apologise to our fan(s) to whom we promised this episode so long back, but sometimes it's hard co-ordinating banter when the hosts live on opposite sides of the world with different but equally crazy-busy schedules!

But for now, we're going to take advantage of us both being in the same place/bed at the same time and try and keep the Cast on a roll!

We hope you enjoy the show and if you do, be sure to pass it on to your friends (real or Facebook-based) so we can share our banter with as many people as who'd dare download it.

If you don't follow us on Twatter or Fakebook, make sure you do, we appreciate all comments on the BanterCast and they'll most likely be read/mocked on air if you do.

So enough of that, go to the download page here to get it directly, or just do a quick search for "BanterCast" on iTunes and subscribe to us too.

Let the banter commence!

Download Episode 4

The BanterCast: Episode 4 "Retro Banter"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 07:47:00 +0000

Episode 4 - "Retro Banter". The Tabbzy & Charltzy Show, also known as the BanterCast.

One and a half years in the making...

The agenda for this episode:
*What we've been up to
*The Banter Network (Previously "Mailbag")
*Banterous Links (Previously "Can't believe what I found..)
*A clip from an inspirational 1940's radio show
*Charltzy's Movie Reviews
*Top 10 (Racist Quotes from Prince Phillip)

Plus many blatent celebrity endorsements and more!

This Episode of The BanterCast was sponsored by the The Sir Tabbzington & Charltzington Show

Download Episode 4

BNP Launch Bid for SKY TV

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 08:01:00 +0000

Today, cross-eyed British National Party leader Nic Griffin announced his party’s proposal to bid for ownership rights for SKY and SKY News.

"We don’t know why we didn’t think of it years back! SKY TV represents a massive proportion of our demographic that we need to constantly engage with, making it a fantastic acquisition to our BNP portfolio of brands" Griffin continued; "We've also got our eye on Emmerdale and Coronation Street"

Griffin, whose far-right party have vigorously denied being a Neo-Nazi party also said; "We aren’t racist, we just want to uphold good old British values, of not liking foreigners whether it be at home or abroad, our terrible grasp of languages and beer consumption that turns frustrated shaven headed gents into barbarians by night”.

The pint-sized Asian-hater continued, “Anyone who watches SKY , inherently possess these great British values. They also give me airtime, which cant be a bad thing eh?”

When quizzed about his interest in British media , he also stated that soap operas such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street were "Good old British soaps which fairly represent the pure Christian white majority of British people, with the odd exception” he said pointing to a picture of Dav Patel.

Mr Griffin failed to comment on Eastenders.

New Conservative Government to Make Monocle-Wearing Mandatory

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:41:00 +0000

The new Conservative Government announced today via press conference that all upper-class pursuits will be made mandatory for all UK citizens.

Starting from the 1st of September, the new rules introduced by the The Organisation of Fine arts Facilities will become British law and be punishable by death if not followed.

Some of the more controversial laws include:

*All men over the age of 19 to wear monocles in one eye, both eyes if over 45.

*Fox Hunting mandatory on Sundays, in areas where they aren't available cats and dogs maybe used. (Corgi's excepted)

*All drinks to be served from Champagne flutes, pint glasses now abolished.

*All music banned, with the exception of Kenny G.

*Racism will now be reduced to a level of "a bit risqué", but "amusing if well timed a a cocktail party".

If you've heard of any other laws being secretly introduced, feel free to list them in the comments section below.

McDonald's Korea Launches McWoof Burger

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:45:00 +0000

McDonald's of Korea announced today that they will be launching a country-specific menu, starting with the McWoof burger.

The McWoof is available in a selection of flavours including Chilli-Chiwawa, Barbeque-Beagle and the Teriyaki-Terrier.

If successful, the menu will be expanded to China, Japan and parts of Northern England.

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "English"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 19:00:00 +0000

It’s everyone’s favourite/most hated feature, please take another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H!

This week we have American English or “Why people who learnt English as a second language now feel that they’re more knowledgeable about it than the very people who fucking invented it’

We all know that most Americans are loud, annoying and 60% of them are morbidly obese, but did you also know that they can’t spell or talk properly either?

First example, you’re in a Cinema, the trailers come up for some Jerry Twatheimer/Michael Gay Crapduction film, after 30 seconds of CGI, explosions and vaguely middle-eastern people being shot in the face, you get the date: “COMING JULY SEVEN”.

Now every other country in the world writes their dates from smallest part (day) to the biggest (year) or the reverse of that, but what do the Yanks do? Middle, Small, Big – what a load of fucking nonsense.
What, do you say your birthday is on the March of 5?
Maybe they’re just being lazy, which is why they don’t say FIFTH or THIRD, they just say the month and a number, making them sound like illiterate twat-wads, or children.
DECEMBER ONE, APRIL THREE, are you fucking kidding me?
Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem expect they force everyone to use their stupid retarded system on the interwebs for any kind of online registration.

What do you mean 23/12/1980 isn’t accepted you back-arsed shit-tard?

Christ help you if your birthday is between January and September, you’ll probably end up getting birthday reminders 6 months early/late thanks to this stupid cock-up.

Michael Bay's well directed interesting movie: Coming this holiday-fall-thanksgiving, July 7, 2-thousand-NEVER.

OK, so if there are any Americans still reading, I will say this only once, THIS is the correct way to say it/write it: “The 31st of March, 2010”

Next up, I saw this in a episode of “Lost” (no I don’t hate everything American)

Jack deciding whether he's either stupid or retarded

(In a funeral parlour)
Funeral Guy: “Are you friend or family”
Jack “Either”

Either!?
What the fuck does that mean? So you are both? You want the funeral director to choose or guess?
The word is NEITHER as in NOT EITHER of them.
For example: “Do you want a liposuction on your fat arse or your sagging stomach?”
Answer: “Either would be fine, can I have McShake with that?”

This next one I’ve seen several people on various TV shows and around the net saying this and it really is ridiculously stupid.
On being asked who they want to win the Best Film Oscar, Avatar or The Hurt Locker:
“I could care less about it”

What the shits name kind of answer is that?
This one I’m not sure if it’s an American expression or just several million of them making the same mistake.
Let me say this clearly so you don’t get confused, it’s “I COULDN’T care less”
As in I couldn’t give a fuck, couldn’t give a shit etc.
If you COULD care less, that means you care a bit and you ARE bothered about the thing in question. Jesus Christ.

Next up: Swearing.

As we all know, British people are the best at swearing in the world, closely followed by the Australians, who have probably made it into a sport and are currently in training for it for the next Olympics.

Americans on the other hand, not so much.

First of all they changed all our swear words/expressions to make them LESS offensive to their delicate Christian God-fearing ears.
For example “Wanker” was changed to “Jerk Off”, jerk is pretty tame if you think about it.

But my all time favourite is how that “Twat” is pronounced “Twot” by Americans, hahaha TWOT!!

Go on, give it a try, write down twat on a piece of paper and ask them to say it if you don’t believe me, it’s hilarious!
But at the same time, annoying that they think we’re saying it wrong.
We invented swearing, get it right burger boys.

Ha, and if you want to make any American faint (apart from Larry David, genius) just say CUNT at the top of your voice.
I’m telling you, walk into the roughest bar in the toughest city in the States, walk up to the biggest guy in the room, say CUNT to his face and he’ll pass out while making the sign of the cross on his forehead.

Fact.

American man passes out after 82-year old British woman says the C-word in his face

Nick Griffin Firebombs Own House After DNA Mixup

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 13:02:00 +0000

In an unfortunate accident earlier this week, Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP has his home ruthlessly firebombed, by his own doing, after being told that his Great-Great Grandfather was Indian.

Nick Griffin, bong-eyed, overweight, child-fiddling racist leader of the BNP.

The infamously racial politician appeared on the revered BBC documentary "Who Do You Think You Are?" where celebrities donate a sample of their DNA to discover their ancestor's roots.
Unfortunately Mr Griffin's DNA results got mixed up with Channel 4 news presenter Krishnan Guru Murthy's, resulting in his genetic makeup being described as "90% Indian, 10% Bangladeshi".

Next-door neighbour and eye-witness to the fire-bombing, Jeff Snitchtits, recounts the scene shortly after the DNA results came in;

"I saw Nick come running down the street shouting things like 'bugger off back to where ya came from' and 'I'll teach you for marrying a bloody ethnic', the weird thing was he seemed to be shouting them at his own house and wife"

Police psychologists have since fathomed that the views of his political party and his believed ancestral roots, caused a huge conflict of interests in his mind, leading to massive brain haemorrhage, which sparked the outrageous self-harming behaviour.

Krishnan Guru Murthy, not currently the leader of the BNP.

Mr Griffin has since been told his actual DNA breakdown, which came in as "1% White-European, 99% twat".

Scientology Cult Buys Out Catholic Church

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:16:00 +0000

In shocking news out of The Vatican today, The Pope announced that the Catholic Church is to merge with the Church of Scientology.

This comes after the news that the Cult of Scientology had become the richest "religion" in the world, mainly thanks to it's A-list celebrity endorsements and extortion schemes.

The merge will cause some changes within the religions, The Pope will now be renamed "Lord Xenu" Alien Overlord and saviour of the humans from the evil Thetan spirits.

Other changes include:

* A limit on child molestation. (1 per priest)

* $30 charge upon entering any (previously) Catholic Church.

* Four-hour personality tests for anyone wanting to enter the new religion.

* No scientists or psychologists allowed.

* Must turn in the deeds to your house/kids if you want to join BLSHT Level 3 or above. (previously level 4)

Chairman and Co-Alien Overlord, David Miscavige, said he was very happy with the merger and smooth takeover of the Catholic Church in a press statement earlier today:

"We'd had our eye on the Catholics for a while now as they had a huge wealth and global image that we really wanted to make the best of, plus it cost us pennies!"

When asked about the controversies surrounding both parts of this now dual "Super-Religion" he pleaded for a fresh start in the eyes of all the previous and new followers.

"Let's forget about everything that happened in the past, literally - we've written the entire history of the planet in simple clear terms for everyone to understand; from the day the planet was created by the Gassok 7 Space-cruiser, to the day Scientology killed Hitler and prevented 9/11 simultaneously"

For people previously on the fence between the two, they no longer have to decide which is better, abusing children or believing we've all been possessed by intergalactic aliens.

Both Tabbzy and Charltzy have become SciekoCaths and encourage everyone to join, providing you can afford the £33,000 registration fee.

Banterography Competition Update/Reminder!

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:32:00 +0000

Greetings, banter fans!

Just a quick reminder that the Banterography competition is up and running and we are accepting submissions RIGHT NOW.
That's a hint people, take some twatting pictures already, look it's simple:

I (Charltzy) took those 2 with the camera stuck up my arse, so I know you lot can do better.

I got one idea for anyone in the UK, what I'd love to see is the poster stuck on the back of an electric wheelchair, you get extra points if it's outside a jobcentre while the owner is freely walking around inside cashing a Giro.

Good luck Banterographers!

Get the image download here

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: Social Networking

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 07:06:00 +0000

Get strapped in for everyone’s favourite feature here on the BanterBlog, another look at my C.R.O.T.C.H.

Today we have Social Networking or "I will disguise my pathetic excuse for a life by constantly telling everyone how interesting I am, but actually sounding like a complete twat in the process”

Digs at Social Networking are nothing new on the BanterBlog, heck we created Twatter before it actually turned into the real thing, and let’s not forget poor old Barry Twinklemire.

I guess it all started with Friend Reunited, or as we call it “Retards United” which was a well-meaning website that, officially, was trying to bring people together that might have lost contact, but in reality was a reason to boast about how you went to University compared to all the others in your class who are now smackhead McDonald managers.

At least that had a purpose, compared to what came next – Facebook. Now this is not even pretending to have some well meaning agenda, this is basically a list of everyone you’ve ever known/met/passed in the street.

This is how the FriendFace virus spreads: You say “Hi” in a pub to someone, they’re on your Shitface friends list.
They upload some pictures of you with your knob out, and they tag it with your name, before you know it 20 people have commented on the cock in question, so you add them as “friends” too.

The sickening thing is that now you feel happy that you’ve upped your friend count by 56 people from one night of naked wang-swinging.
Now of the 89,956 friends you have on your list, the 2 people you actually know will see not only your dick, but that you have a football stadium amount of friends.

Well, a round of fucking applause, you stupid twat.

Remember that dickhead you used to work with who boasted about how much they went out, a thinly disguised way of telling you how popular they are?

Arsebook has made it possible for EVERYONE to be that twat, not only that, but you don’t have to be at work, or even in the presence of an actual human fucking being to boast about it.

Don’t even get me started on Twitter, which is basically a simplified version of TitHeadBook for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Time to write something truthful on your next status update:
“I’m sat here all alone, I have no actual close friends, so I decided to lie and exaggerate about what I’m actually doing to make it look like I’m really busy and popular”

See also:
FaceBook Friend Saves Man From Suicide, Two Weeks Too Late
BanterCast Teams Up With Online Service "Twatter"

Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week: American "Football"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:35:00 +0000

Today we have the first of a new regular feature here on the BanterBlog, Charltzy's Rant Of The Cheeky Week, or C.R.O.T.C.H for short.

Today we have American "Football" or "a classic example of the Yanks not getting something the Brits invented then fucking it up like some kind of mentally-reversed sports fanatic".

Football, lovely football. You know what I'm talking about don't you? The game where you use your FOOT to kick a BALL around a PITCH.
It was invented back the them olden days, apparently King Arthur or whatever used to dig two holes either end of the courtyard and played a game where you kick an inflated pigs bladder into them there holes. (must be true, saw it in a movie/history books)

Fast forward a couple hundred years, now there are nets and rules and we named it "football", because of the previously mentioned Foot+Ball combination that was involved.

Then in 1869, the Brits had the decency to show some American university lads how to play football proper, they had a whale of a time (even though they were a bit shit), so we showed them this other game we'd invented called "Rugby", that's when it all went downhill.

The first American "Football" team - the "Snatchweiner Retards".

Soon as they left back to the old UK, those American college boys started pissing around during football games, picking up the ball and throwing it around willy-nilly.
Then some professors came in and said; "Well if you're gonna throw it around y'all, why don't you play by them ol' Rugby roolz dagnammit?"

That's when it all just got mental.

They we're throwing the ball forwards, sideways, kicking it, trying to mount it, running headfirst into each other and the goal posts. There were half-conscious bleeding Americans strewn across the pitch. It was a bloodbath.

Before you knew it, they'd wrapped them all up in lots of padding, made rules to stop the game every 15 seconds and padded the goal posts.
They also agreed to make it more like Rugby as they preferred picking up the ball and running with it, (kicking it was a bit too hard for them) only allowing them to touch the ball with their feet when it was in a controlled situation and nobody was in the way.

Now it came time to name this bastardisation of a sport; it looked like Rugby, but they were padded up like mentally disabled people. The rules meant the game was so slow paced there was hardly any running involved and they only touched the ball with their feet maybe once in a whole game - "Hmmmmm what should we call it?" they thought.

"I know" said one idiot - "FOOT-BALL"

"But don't Europeans and most of the people on the entire planet already play a game called Football?" said one guy chewing on his shoulder pad.

"Well I'm fresh out of ideas" said the first arse-tard.

"I got it!" said a huge obese guy writing in his own shit on the floor, "Let's rename THEIR game to something stupid sounding"

Arse-tard quickly thought: "Suck-ball!"

Obese shit-face blurted out: "No, SUCKER sounds better"

From that day onwards, that's how the Yanks stole and fucked up 2 sports to make a stupid retardation of a sport that only they play, yet refuse to call it something different than an already named sport that 95% of the world play and already called - FOOTBALL.

A modern Yankball player

I'm currently writing rules for a new sport that involves bouncing a ball around a wooden court, you win by throwing balls through a basket.

Everyone has to wear padded armour, because all players get to carry Samurai swords.

It's like that sport they play in the US, what's it called - Hoopball?

Now, what to name MY new sport...

BanterCast Launches Photography Competition!

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 12:58:00 +0000

A banterous banterography competition for all lovers of banter and the BanterCast! Win amazing prizes!

We're asking all fans of the show to take pictures of the BanterCast logo in a banterous place.

Some suggestions:

-Sellotaped to the back of a policeman's head.
-Attached to a Bernard Manning DVD.
-Stuck on your face while driving a car through an exploding building.
-All of the above simultaneously.

What you will need:

*A print out of the image below
*A camera
*Eyes
*A banterous disposition

(click on the image to get the full sized version, innit)

When you think you've got a winning pic, send it to Tabbzy & Charltzy by any of the following unimaginative ways:

Facebook facebook.com/bantercast
Twatter twatter.com/bantercast
E-mail thebantercast@gmail.com

What are the prizes I hear you scream?

RUNNERS UP: Signed BanterCast images with personalised message!

FIRST PRIZE: An interview with Tabbzy and Charltzy, that will be feature in a future episode of the show!!

Judd Apatwat DVD Collection Released

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 03:30:00 +0000

Just a quick reminder that Judd Apatwat's entire movie collection is available for purchase at all online retailers from the 25th of October.

The 2-disk set includes:

"Ugly Shit-Head 'n' Hot Chick"

Co-starring Megan Fox, rated 15.

"Lazy Stoner Dickwad Brigade"

Starring Adam Sandler, rated 18

"The 30-Year-Old Twat"

Featuring Rob Schneider, rated T for Twat.

"Ginger, Fat, Curly-Haired, Unfunny Wankers 2"

Starring all those twats from American Pie, unrated.

The movies can also be downloaded from the iTunes store or directly from Universal's website:

www.universal-online.com/comedy/lowquality/twats/judd.html

David Blaine Disappears Up Own Anus

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:14:00 +0000

In a bizarre and unfortunate incident earlier this week, famed street "magician" David Blaine disappeared from his New York apartment, much to the distress of his family and friend. (pet ferret called Tito)

NYPD police chief Jack Bastorde, was initially concerned it was a terrorist kidnapping plot:

"My first thought was that it must be one of them Bin Laden-type folks from Kaplakistan, till we realised who it was that had gone missing and started looking closer to home"

Chief Bastorde's blatant racism and quick thinking led him to realise that Mr Blaine was most probably still in his apartment somewhere inside his own anal passage.

"We found the sucker curled up on his sofa, his head was clean up his ass" the Bastorde continued, "We think he'd been watching his own DVD's, probably what caused it to happen"

This is not the first time a celebrity has disappeared up their own arse hole, earlier in the year TV presenter Jeremy Kyle had to have his head surgically removed from between his arse cheeks.

BanterCast Show Notes: Episode 0

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:40:00 +0000

Holy shit, a new episode of the BanterCast!!?

Actually, no.

To fill the massive void between episodes 3 and 4, we are finally uploading the previously unreleased test pilot episode of the BanterCast.

In fact, at this point it wasn't even called the BanterCast, Tabbzy and Charltzy just sat down one sweaty summer afternoon in August 2008 and decided to record their banterisms in mp3 format.

The rest, as they say - is (racial) history.

So get ready for a very special episode, no deep voiced guy, no adverts, no mailbag or proper top ten - just 35 minutes of top notch Shane Ritchie-related banter!

Download Episode Zero

The BanterCast: Episode 0 "Prequel Banter"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:18:00 +0000

Episode Zero - "Prequel Banter". The show that turned into The Tabbzy & Charltzy Show, also known as the BanterCast.

This podcast was made several months before "Episode 1 - Banterous Introductions" was ever recorded!

To be honest, we thought it was a bit too risqué to unleash on the interwebs, so it's been in an underground bunker for the past year - until now!

In this very special prequel episode the lads:

*Argue over what the podcast should be about.

*Talk about importing curry powder and nuclear weapons.

*Confuse black vans with black men.

*Discuss jiggly homosexuals and world poverty.

*Create new poor-taste TV shows.

*Analyse Ricky Gervais' face.

*Try to comprehend the Top 10 most searched items in the USA.

*Lay into Microsoft's email advertising policies.

*Reminisce about Shane Richie's Daz adverts.

and more!

This Episode of The BanterCast was NOT sponsored at all, honestly - who would've?

Download Episode Zero

New TV Show Will Execute Member of Public Live on Air

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sun, 31 May 2009 09:00:00 +0000

The American television channel HBO announced their new lineup of summer shows today, among them was a controversial new reality show called "Roommates".

In a similar vein to shows like Big Brother and Survivor, members of the public will be chosen to live in a lavish New York apartment and filmed for 24 hours a day, for a duration of 22 and a half months.
The catch however, is that when a "Roomie" is evicted they are shot in the face - live on TV.

An extract of the press release from HBO about the show:

The first season of Roommates will feature six wild and crazy guys and gals who represent a wide cross-section of people in the United States;
Joel Jefferson the jock, Sadie Humperdink the bisexual taxidermist, Frank Goldberg the Jewish Nazi, Dirk Tessler the ex-Navy Seals Commando turned make-up artist, Georgia Washington the stripper with a secret (cock) and Sabrina Shitzler the part-time sexy garbage disposal worker and full-time member of the KKK.

Every day will feature a new and painful challenge for the "Roomiez" to try which folks will love watching at home!
Some activities include;
*BATH BOMB! - Roomiez will try and lie in a bath of acid for as long as possible, first one to jump out gets shot in the face!
*CEREAL KILLER! - Roomiez will try and eat as much cereal as possible, the catch? It's made of glass and the milk is actually acid!
*HEAD IN THE OVEN! - Same rules as BATH BOMB but this time featuring a gas oven!
......and many including: CELINE DION CONCERTS and watching SEASON 21 of THE SIMPSONS!

Despite several years of attempts to broadcast live executions before by HBO, this show is actually the first of it's kind in the United States.
Before now, only hangings in foreign countries (Saddam Hussein) and popular murder trials (OJ Simpson) were allowed to be shown in detail, but a new law passed in the State of Texas will let any member of the public be shot in the face if they sign a waiver beforehand.

Roommates will start airing on the special "Roommates channel" from July 26th, the first execution will happen on eviction night, 2 weeks later.

BanterCast Teams Up With Online Service "Twatter"

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sat, 23 May 2009 01:07:00 +0000

The BanterCast is proud to announce it's collaboration with the exciting new online social phenomenon - Twatter!

Twatter allows users to send daily "Twats" to their friends, colleagues and enemies, describing exactly what twattish thing they are doing at the moment.

When the user logs in they are greeted by the simple question:
"What Twatty thing are you doing right now?"
The user can then respond in less than 140 characters.

Several celebrities have signed up to the service including Jonathon Ross, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jimmy Carr who keep fans updated with their twat-headed daily routines.

Twatter was started in 2006 by Jack Dorsey (Dozzy to his friends), who noticed that the most popular thing about social networking sites like FaceBook and MySpace was simply the status updates.

"I realised that people generally just want to tell others how much of a twat they are" said Dozzy, when asked how he had the idea for Twatter.

"Stupid shit people feel they need to share with everyone else was a gold mine just begging to be exploited!"

Tabbzy and Charltzy approve this message.

Join The BanterCast on Twatter by clicking here. (or in the side bar)

Jade Goody Enters The "Top 10 Dead Racists" Hall of Fame

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Sun, 10 May 2009 02:59:00 +0000

As broken in episode 3 of the BanterCast, the TV starlet Jade Goody passed away sometime last week or month.

No sooner had she been buried, and she was already on the nominees list for "Top 10 Dead British Racists", one of the highest accolades available in the United Kingdom.

The panel at the British Society for Racist Excellence (BSRE) recognised her work in the Big Brother Celebrity game show where she repeatedly threw racist insults at an Indian cohabitant, Shilpa Shetty.

The fact that she somehow managed to come out the situation unscathed, even convincing her victim to be her friend, may have helped her chances in entering the BSRE hall of fame.

In an interview with the Daily Star she famously said "I'm not a racist, honest to God I'm not", this was evidence enough for most people in the UK who immediately forgot she was a 5-star racialist.

Famously her victim, Ms Shetty, flew to England to visit Goody on her death bed, but in a final outburst of racist energy, she denied her access to the hospital room saying "I aint catching no Asian lurgy innit", with which her publicist Max Clifford quickly translated to; "Ms Goody is too unwell for any visits at this time".

"By the time of her death everyone had forgotten about her racism and felt sorry for her" Bernard Manning Jr of the BSRE said in a press statement; "For that she deserves this honour, she was a truly remarkable racist".

Her statue will be placed in the "British Hall of Racism" located in basement of The Houses of Parliament, London.
Tickets to view the hall are £1.50 for adults, 75p for children.

Google Window Released On Unsuspecting Public

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Tue, 05 May 2009 04:34:00 +0000

Google announced a controversial new addition to their ever-expanding map service today in the form of "Google Window".

Following the success of Google Maps and Google Street View, this new service allows users to zoom into individual windows and view a live webcam stream.

Google president Eric Schmidt (known as Schmizzy to his friends) was available for an exclusive interview after the press launch of the service, and had several things to share with BanterCast fans.

"We're using technology we adapted from the Google Street View service to bring an ever closer view of inside your neighbour's property".
He went on to suggest some uses for Google Window;
"You could see if your friend is at home without needing to call them up!" he said excitedly "or just get a view of your neighbour getting undressed....I know which I'll be doing".

At that point Mr Schmidt was escorted from the press room by his handlers, who said he was urgently needed in a meeting.

Opponents to the service have called it a "massive intrusion on civil liberties and gross invasion of privacy", but Google were quick to respond with; "that's bullshit, if people didn't want to be spied on, why do they leave their curtains open?"

Google Window View will only be available in certain parts of the US and Canada at first, but Google are hoping to expand it to all countries at a later date.

The service will go live summer 2009, whether you like it or not.

Urban Dictionary Recognises The BanterCast

thebantercast@gmail.com (Tabbzy and Charltzy) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:00:00 +0000

You all know that we like to make up new words on The Tabbzy and Charltzy Show, or as we see it - teaching you words you SHOULD already know but didn't.

Well, the world's biggest source of made-up words, the Urban Dictionary or simply "The Big Urban Dic" as we call it on the BanterCast, has recognised FOUR of the words frequently found on everyone's favourite morally questionable podcast.

*Bantercasting - "The action of recording a show primarily involved in the broadcasting of banter, usually a radio show or podcast"

*Banterism - "A funny quote or word uttered by someone"

*Bantercast - "A compound word. (banter+broadcast/podcast) A show primarily involved in the broadcasting of comedy/banter, e.g a radio show or podcast"

*Bantercaster - "A person who partakes in recording a comedy radio show or podcast"

At this point we're not going to say we're bigger than Jesus/the prophet Mohammed or every other podcast in the world or something like that.

Give us a few more weeks though, you never know.