The B.C. Chronicles

The Ugly Truth About Abortion

2013-05-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

I was Pro-Life until I was 28 years-old and found myself in an entangled web of hypocrisy. I never passed judgment on anyone that was Pro-Choice, yet using abortion as a method of birth-control was something that made me cringe. During my time in college, I took a very interesting philosophy class that further opened my eyes to the truths surrounding certain types of abortions being performed right here in the United States of America. Partial abortion was something that I ignorantly knew nothing of before taking the course. My Dear Lord, what I learned was absolutely disturbing. My professor at the time was very passionate about the course work and he provided some of the most gruesome images with supporting documentation available to support this unethical practice. I can remember thinking, “How can any woman kill the life that is growing inside of her in such a horrific way?” In my eyes, it was murder plain and simple. Snipping the spinal cord of a fetus at the neck seemed illogical and cruel. Of course at the time I was a mother of 3 healthy children and I had never come face to face with abortion or miscarriage. Every now and then I might get the occasional confession of a friend that had gone through either of the two ordeals. As many of you know, Kermit Gosnell was found guilty earlier this week on numerous counts of murder and manslaughter in connection with his “chop shop”, style abortion clinic in Pennsylvania. Please take a moment to read this article posted by the Huffington Post yesterday: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/2013/05/13/kermit-gosnell-guilty-verdict_n_3268021.html I was quite dismayed when I found out that I was pregnant with what would have been my fourth child. I was fresh out of a very long-term relationship with my son’s father. I was reckless and on the rebound and to add to the mess that I was creating I was now pregnant. I confirmed my suspicions and was 4-6 weeks along in gestation as described to me by the tech performing my ultrasound at the abortion clinic. Dismay and profound sadness was the feeling. The tech didn’t want me to look but I refused to turn away. The precious sight of the tiny little dark spot growing inside of my stomach was impossible for me to ignore. The inappropriate comment made by that same tech made everything that followed awful. Abortion clinics are like desensitized butcher shops where one goes to have meat chopped. She said, “This is your first abortion honey, it won’t be your last”. I instantly corrected her and snapped back with, “Oh yes, this will be my last”.

The well-known abortion clinic that I went to in Queens was disgusting to me. Not only because of the atmosphere per se, which was banquet-style torn pleather seating and writing on the walls. It just had a very dark underlying feeling overall. The only spiritual light I could sense was from the religious spectators chanting outside for me not to go inside. God is not inside of abortion clinics and I will stand firmly by that statement. God and the Spirit are in the womb of the woman carrying new-life. There is an overwhelming feeling of spiritual warmness a woman can feel when she is pregnant. If, of course she’s willing to be still enough to be aware of it. Although, the tech said I was only 4-6 weeks along my entire body felt filled with pregnancy. I wept uncontrollably that day as I was whisked from one phase of the process to another. The final phase being the fatal one; at that point I was told to undress and to slip into a gown that was provided by the staff. My girlfriend that accompanied me that day just kept encouraging me not to “think”, about it. Unfortunately, the life growing inside of me was all that I could think about. I said a prayer while I changed into my gown. Not a typical prayer. Nothing rehearsed or memorized from a scripture verse. At that moment I had a simultaneous silent discussion with God and the new life that was trying so desperately to just continue growing. The spirit of that life felt male to me and right inside of the clinic’s gym-styled locker room I named that spirit Joshua. I apologized for sending him back to God. For not trusting God enough to know that I would have been able to care for him. For the shame that I felt in my heart for carelessly putting myself in a worldly situation to even let something like conception occur. I let Joshua know that he was no less loved than my other 3 children and that my decision to give him back to my Creator was not an easy one for me to make. I asked my elders since passed on to please care for him and I closed the prayer by asking for everyone's forgiveness. With uncontrollable crying and shaking I took my place in the next room. A male anesthesiologist touched my shoulder and said, “This must be your first time, everything will be alright”. The last thing I can remember was how much emotional pain I was in. I heard the same anesthesiologist telling the doctor that it was my first time and by then my legs were high in the air and I was losing consciousness.

I won’t walk anyone through the next steps at the clinic. I’ll fast-forward to how I felt laying in my bed that night at home. The warmth, the fire, and the spiritual fullness that I felt prior to the abortion were gone. I felt an extreme emptiness, I felt sorrow, I felt dark and I felt cold. I let Satan win that one and I was deeply ashamed. I called the "would-be",father and let him know that there was no trace of pregnancy inside of me and he was disappointed to say the least. I never included him in any of the events that had taken place earlier that day and that was just wrong. Abortion isn’t over once the procedure has been completed. I personally grieved the loss of that new life that was growing inside of me for a very long time. I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life and I don’t think anyone in my family understood why. I was very disappointed with what I had done. Abortion was a very emotional journey for me that I didn’t have the heart to discuss with anyone but God. Years later while riding on a NYC train, I learned there is a website dedicated to helping women that suffer from PASS or Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. For more information, please go to www.afterabortion.org. Of course, there are many women living in our culture that appear unaffected by abortion. Some of us have brought into the political view of a woman’s "right" to choose and we have lost sight of some of the gruesome and careless practices that are taking place around us and in our country. Babies are such precious bundles of joy. Where you see no way you must know that God will make a way and I encourage you to email me if you are struggling or need help with an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy. By clicking the envelope on the left hand side of this page; you will be taken directly to my email box. I intentionally began this relationship series with, “After the Booty Call”, because I wanted to use it as an opener for other avenues. HIV, STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, shame, hurt and lies are all things that can directly result from having sex with someone that you are not in a committed relationship with. This issues are tough enough for couples but imagine the thought of having to deal with these things alone.

*It was so ironic to me that Kelly Rowland released her new single this week called, "Dirty Laundry". Although the song doesn't represent this specific issue. It does discuss the importance of letting things go and being honest. We can cover things up and we can hide behind our shades but that doesnt make the hurt go away. It just encourages more hurt to develop. I hope my own naked truth will help a young woman that needs to hear it right at this very moment. Things may not be well with your circumstances, but they can be well with your soul. God Bless You All.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding".

Much Luv,

Young Motherhood

2013-05-12T05:27:00.001-07:00

I woke up on this beautiful Mother’s Day morning and I decided to discuss what the essence of motherhood has been like for me. First, I’d like to say that I have the utmost respect for all of the mothers of the world. The mothers of the world are the nurturers, the supporters and the light givers. We pass the torch. Whether you’ve birthed a child, adopted a child, donated your time as a mother-figure to a child, supported a child, encouraged a child, or work with children, you will want to read this post. On my journey, I’ve been blessed to experience the inexplicable joy of motherhood and of childbirth three times. By no means do I feel like I have any particular expertise in this field but I will say that I’ve always tried my best to rear three joyful children that know God’s love for them. What I am quite familiar with is young motherhood. I’ve seen reality TV distort the nature of it for personal gain with shows like Teen Mom; so I decided to share what this experience has been like for me. I can vividly remember thinking moments after my oldest daughter’s birth, “What am I going to write on?” I wasn’t keeping a journal at that time because I was being physically abused by her father. I quickly began pulling pages out of a parenting magazine and tried my best to jot down all of my thoughts on any free space that I could find. Today, I’m almost scared to ask my mother for those early writings because I know they’ll be so painful for me to read. I can tell you this; I have never seen anything so humanly perfect before the day that my daughter entered the world. She had the cutest hands and feet that I had ever seen. She clung to me as if her life depended on it and I realized that she was just as acquainted with me, as I was with her, from the 9-month journey that we had just come off of. Love never made as much sense to me as it did when I first laid eyes on that child. Of course I could feel the love in my heart that I had for Jesus, yet this was very different. This was like that love magnified. You see, this was my Creator’s love for me cradled in the blessing lying in the crease of my arm. Tears would stream frequently when I came close to her. I would never pick her up unless the nurse at the hospital handed her to me because I too was still just a child myself. I was 16 years-old when Mercedes made her grand entrance into the world and I was no longer responsible for only myself.

Did I have a plan? Not even the slightest. People were extremely critical of my age at that time and of course looking back now I know why. I was still in high school, I didn’t have a steady job, and I didn’t have a remote clue of how I was going to provide for this child. There was no fluffy bank account stashed, I didn’t have a baby shower to receive any gifts and I definitely didn’t know how this child would get into college. I probably should have been walking around feeling some intense level of guilt and shame while I was pregnant but I didn’t. I knew in my heart that my child was supposed to be here and that I was chosen by God to bring her into the world. I felt filled with a spiritual blessing yet my reality was quite dark. Her father was a local drug-dealer in my neighborhood so buying pampers and baby formula were no big feat for him. I was a thinker on the other hand. I was a writer and quite frankly I knew I should have been preparing for doom but I was at extreme peace. Being in an abusive relationship with such a controlling man left me with very limited access to outside resources; most controlling individuals want the person they’re controlling to be completely codependent on them and only them. Alternative schools for pregnant teens and young adults like, “The Door”, in NYC would have gladly added me and Mercedes to their enrollment list. I took their pre-college assessment exam with a friend and I passed with flying colors. Only problem was, my abuser wouldn’t “allow”, me to attend school. My new job according to him was to, “tend” to my daughter. A young mother has to have a vision of what’s at the end of the platform. If she doesn’t, she’ll simply tank and tanking was not an option for me. I was filled with the Spirit and it was that same Spirit that never left my side. I lived with my abuser who was gone for the better part of the day. Raising my little girl each and every day gave me joy. Plugging into her made the harsh reality of my life easier to accept. Every now and then a trusted friend would come by just to make sure that I was still alive. They know who they are and up until today that sentiment still warms my heart. Nurturing is instinctual and spirit guided. I didn’t have my mother or my father on standby for when I needed to run errands, get money or go to school. My mother resented my decision to have my child and in her anger she withdrew her support. It was my daughter and me, day in and day out and I think by the time she turned about three, I was her hero.

God Blessed me with two daughters between the years 1993 and 1994. The physical endurance it took to raise my two precious little girls at the very same time is still something I can’t quite put into words. As I write and edit this publication I keep choking on my tears. Pretty ponytails, well-balanced dinners and bath time were mandatory parts of my mommy job that came with no wages. My pay came from hugs, kisses and really big smiles. My abuser was locked in prison by early 1995 and my mommy became a sole-proprietorship that lasted until their adult years. Lots of love and a very well-paying hospital job helped my daughters and me to stay afloat. The love and dependence that the three of us had for one another is what makes them being away at college so difficult for me today. Private school, trial and error, lots of episodes of Barney, and divine favor shown to us by our Heavenly Creator is what ultimately carried us through. The highest reward in all of it for me has been earning the respect of two young women old enough to be my younger sisters. Watching them fearlessly aim for their dreams while manifesting their own destinies has been an added bonus. My youngest daughter Portia told me just last week that I'm still her hero. My journey was different from an older more established woman’s journey of motherhood. Should it be embraced differently? I don’t really think so. I tend to view it this way, “We all have different paths”. Children make their entrance into the world in God’s time. Mothers that are handpicked for this precious position can find a blessing in answering the call. Mothers of any age need encouragement and support from everyone around them. Dealing with toddlers throwing food in your face and smelly diapers is a really tough gig whether your 17 or 40. Young motherhood requires even more support as they try so desperately to raise themselves while they continue raising their children and make the sacrifice of giving up young life. I was blessed to have a lot of babysitting years under my belt before my girls arrived. I began helping my grandmother to care for my younger cousins when I was just 8. I know that gave me a loving head start for what was just around the corner for me. Often times, that’s how God works.

A very unexpected miracle arrived in the form of a son later in my 20’s. His name is Jessiah and his light is brilliant. I’d somehow resonated to the fact that it would always just be me and my girls. I had a very difficult pregnancy with him yet a voice let me know one day while I was sitting on the train that he would be alright. I never wanted anything more than for him to arrive into the world and to be ok. His stay in the hospital was longer than mine and initially that was a crushing blow. God showed up in the form of a very gentle pediatrician that said to me, “God didn’t make any mistakes with your baby”. This Mother’s Day feels extra special to me and for a change I’ve slowed down enough to take it all in. All of the pictures, all of the school-made mommy cards, and all of the text messages I get these days; makes every tear, every difficult time, worth it. Motherhood is an extraordinary relationship that we have here on earth. It’s the one role that is always underappreciated. The world says, “Go be independent”, “Go be liberated”, “Go be skinny”, “Go get botox”, “Chase Hollywood dreams”, but it never says, “Go and be a Mom”. Motherhood is a sacred calling. Motherhood is selfless and it comes with chores and nurturing that will far exceed a child turning 18 years of age. Psalm 127:3-5, has such beautiful commentary regarding young parenthood and children, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hand. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!” In a world that has learned to use abortion as a form of birth control I love the challenge of this verse. Mothers that celebrate their children will raise children that celebrate their mothers. I encourage you to celebrate the mothers in your life today! Some of us have more than one. Lift them up in prayer, and let God know how much it means to you to have them in your life. If your mother or your grandmother has already traveled back to heaven, please let God know how grateful you are for the precious time that you were blessed to have spent with her. The memories of a mother’s love will live in her children eyes forever. God Bless all of the Mothers of the World today.

Much Luv,

The Lure of Temptation

2013-05-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Last month I had the opportunity to watch Tyler Perry’s latest film entitled, “Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor”. I hesitated on giving early commentary on the film mainly because I wanted to give late movie goers a chance to get out and see it. I’ve always been one to greatly appreciate a film that forces me to think. I walked away from this film stumped (in a good way), for a number of reasons. I watched the film with my young adult daughters and it instantly sparked interaction. I appreciate the way that Tyler Perry is always ready to delve head first into those societal issues that many of us would like to turn a blind eye to. Temptation is a word that we can explore here for hours on end. It’s that distracted place that a person in a committed relationship allows themselves to go. It’s definitely not a realm support by our Higher Power. Temptation can be the onset of complete and total destruction. Distractions within a relationship are born from many things. The relationship may have fizzled out due to the high demands of life. It may be the need for one person in the relationship to fill a void and in doing so they choose a negative way to act that out. Some partners feel as if constant communication is too much of a task and they shy away from it. Isolation is the complete opposite of oneness in a relationship. It’s oneness that a couple needs to move forward collectively. Couples can argue over the silliest of things. Because we’re all created differently and clearly raised differently, we all have different ways of communicating and dealing with conflict. Some of us our confrontational while others run from conflict at all costs and in turn sweep things under the rug. The door that leads to temptation opens the minute that we stop talking. When we stop talking, we stop communicating. This works the same way in regard to our relationship with God. The Bible makes numerous mentions surrounding temptation. Any Christian practicing a faithful walk with God knows that there is a daily deliverance that we need in order to stay away from it. In Matthew 6:13, the Bible says, “And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one”.

In Perry’s film, he builds upon a concept that I too have always believed in. Experts in any area gain their expertise through the practice of real life experiences. People who have applied-knowledge tend to excel and at times even have an advantage over those that have only had the opportunity to study the practiced material in textbooks. This idea is seen in the film with Jurnee Smollet’s character, “Judith”. Judith is a marriage counselor in the film and ultimately she gets a little too close to one of her company’s clients. She’s eager to jumpstart her career with the wealth of knowledge that she accumulated obtaining her Master’s Degree in Counseling. As a Christian woman that is herself married in the film, she feels highly prepared to open her own practice and to give the world her all. The adversity she constantly faces in the film is coming to terms with the reality of her simple life. The young couple are in their mid-twenties she and her husband Brice played by Lance Gross, are just barely making ends meet. Her headstrong, moralistic stance is strong early in the film as she refuses to adhere to the modern chic/sexy dress code of the matchmaking office she’s employed at. We have a woman with a vision fresh out of graduate school who wants to counsel couples and help them to stay married. Sounds simple enough right? Hmmmm, the plot is well set because we see that Judith is feeling underappreciated by her young husband. He’s early in his career as a pharmacist and in many ways he’s just trying to establish himself as a man. We can feel the genuine love he has for his wife who was also his childhood sweetheart. Brice can’t afford fancy nights out for his wife, he forgets her birthday and he has this innocent way of diminishing her dreams without meaning to do so. The story takes a dark turn when Judith is given an assignment at the office that forces her to work very closely with “Harley”, played by Robbie Jones a very famous, young billionaire entrepreneur in the film.

Harley is overly charming and extremely vocal in expressing how much he admires a woman of Judith’s caliber. He plays up the victim role in his past relationship which he claims as being the reason why he’s still single. Harley in essence is the boyfriend that every woman wants. He’s attentive, encouraging and supportive of future endeavors. He makes being in a relationship what it should; an exercised team effort. Their forbidden romance spirals out of control quickly. Like many that fall into the lure and then later the trap of temptation, things get rather messy. Harley goes from charming and having sincere admiration to an aggressive pursuer whose only mission is to remind Judith of what her husband doesn’t do for her. The biblical theme of Adam and Eve began running through my mind; as I closed my eyes still hopeful that Judith would stay strong. Poor, poor Judith, she gives in to all of her tempter’s whispers for control and she soon finds out that he isn’t who he originally presented to be. Brice begins to catch wind of the affair as does Judith’s mother who is a Christian pastor in the film (played by Ella Joyce). We watch in awe as Judith begins to lose herself. She changes her style of dress, the way she wears her hair, begins abusing alcohol and cocaine and as if most disheartening she begins sleeping with Harley. There’s this underlying theme of, “Is the grass really greener on the other side”, we soon see that clearly that it isn’t. Perry shows us that it’s a small world and many things really do come to light full circle. Brice happens to be working with a new staff member at the pharmacy that’s on the run from her abusive boyfriend that recently infected her with HIV. Do I need to say anymore?

Judith ultimately becomes a seasoned marriage counselor because she can now relate to some of the real issues that married folks struggle with. By the films end, she is somewhat crippled after a monstrosity of a beating inflicted by Harley. She is HIV positive and she is very divorced from Brice who remarries and has a child with his new wife. Brice does not contract the virus. This is the unfortunate reality of how destructive the path of temptation is. The shocking blow of Harley, Judith, and Brandy’s character all having HIV is a very hard pill to swallow, while still indulging in buttered movie popcorn. The twist nearly blew me away! I love that Perry made the consequences so extreme. We live in a risk taking world that I constantly see downplaying the harsh reality of real consequences. God’s love and protection can be absent when our obedience to him is equally as absent. People are constantly targeting what they want, exercising their power to obtain their target, and in return they are ending up with a heap of things that they don’t want including STI’s and lots of unnecessary drama. Married couples are falling victim to distraction and in some cases even boredom. The numbers of new HIV cases in New York City alone is shocking; in Brooklyn, New York they’re astronomical. With rates so high, I guarantee you that each and every one of us knows a person living with the virus; whether or not they’ve disclosed their status to us or not. Stay safe, stay protected and if you are in a marriage please don’t ever stop communicating with your spouse. The minute the talking stops, the connection stops, and temptation might just be lurking around every corner. God Bless you all.

Much Luv,

When It All Goes Left

2013-05-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

It's pretty rare that a Hollywood story grabs my attention the way that the Kordell Stewart “divorce-filing scandal”, from his seemingly lovely wife Porsha D. Stewart has. I typically leave this type of blogging to the Hollywood Gossip Blogger's because there are more than enough of these types of stories published around the world. This touched my heart though because there is something so innocently genuine about Mrs. Porsha. I definitely had to offer my commentary on this one. Since the top of 2013, I've been taking some time out to focus spiritually and I’ve been on a television fast. I honestly missed the majority of the Atlanta Housewives 5th Season on Bravo. I did by far see enough interaction between Mr. Stewart and his wife to develop an opinion of the pair’s union. I think it's important to say that I think Kordell is a really good guy. I think he has very traditional values in regard to what the role of being a good wife consists of. The world of reality TV is still somewhat of a blunder for me. I enjoy it at times but my approach to it is simple, detox entertainment when I'm looking to just kick my feet up on the sofa and relax. On the flipside, I have found that it can be infectiously poisonous to our generation. I've even noticed that there are groups/clubs of women watching the shows together and in some ways mocking the lifestyles of the characters. Living beyond our means and failing to appreciate where we are currently at in our lives can be dangerous. Porsha Stewart touched me differently than any of the other characters that I've seen thus far on any of the current shows out. Porsha never took me as anything other than what the show title indicates that it represents an, "Atlanta Housewife". She was Southern, well-poised, polite, filled with class, with just enough feistiness in her to let you know that she's nobody's punk. This young woman has natural innocence to her that I rarely see today. She also displays and earnestness to be a great wife and a step-mom to Kordell’s child. I really like that! Whether burning food in the kitchen or trying to coordinate matching outfits for a night out with her hubby, Mrs. Porsha always puts in what seems like extreme effort for her man.

The first time I observed Kordell with his wife I remember sensing or slightly thinking that there was some level of insecurity exhibited on his behalf. Having a flawlessly beautiful wife has to be a difficult endeavor for any man. It was one of the early episodes when she was having a fundraiser for her Grandfather's foundation and she introduces Kenya Moore as Miss America versus Miss USA. He kissed his wife sweetly and seemed really enamored by her. That event if everyone remembers was ladies only. A red flag went up immediately with the thought of that concept because the fundraiser would have grossed more revenue had it been co-ed. Why would a husband encourage his wife to have a female-only event? He even made a comment like, “That’s how I like it”. Control issues, low self-esteem and things of that nature crossed my mind but he still just seemed very sweet to me. Controlling men are often difficult to read. They are the men that believe that women have a traditional role to stay in the home and to be the sole caregivers to their children. In a world filled with strong women leaders that are caring for children and still pursuing their own passions Kordell's outlook was a bit much for viewers. It came across as old-school/out-dated. What I think we also got to witness as viewers was that Porsha may not have known exactly how deeply-rooted his traditional beliefs were until she stepped onto the RHOA platform. To be fair, the couple has only been married just shy of two years and there is a significant age difference of nearly 10 years between the two. There's a very interesting twist to this story though and I think it's one that we will find more and more talked about in our culture. Before I could finish writing this post I had to reach out to my cousin Mark. He is the Biggest and I mean the Biggest Pittsburg Steelers Fan that I know! Here's where it all goes left...

In 1997, Kordell Stewart called a meeting with his at the time teammates to address rumors that were beginning to surface that the star quarterback might be gay. Kordell was seen frequenting a local park during that time that was known as a local hangout for gay men. I started to wonder if Kordell was really just suffering miserably in his marriage because he was suppressing his natural desire for men. By no means am I suggesting that he didn’t just file for divorce because he didn’t like the direction that his spouse was moving with the show. Porsha Stewart found out that her husband filed for divorce via Twitter and I thought that was such a low-blow. Living in the same home he never had the audacity to have the discussion with his wife personally. I asked my cousin Mark, “What were your feelings when the stories began circulating that the star quarterback might be gay?” His response was quite simple and just his own honest opinion. I decided to continue writing this article because a light bulb of curiosity went off in my head. This Monday April 29, 2013, NBA player Jason Collins became the 1^st athlete in the association to announce that he is openly and actively gay. I thought, “BINGO!” The story broke just 3 days after I started writing this post and I thought, “Wow, what a coincidence”. I watched video interviews on the internet with Jason’s ex-fiancée who spent 8 years of her life devoted to him. A compellingly understanding woman, Carolyn Moos stated that she didn’t have the slightest idea that Jason was gay. She went on to say that society needs to take a look at how it treats people and players. She points out the lack of support society offers when it comes to homosexuality. Commendably, she went on to say that she is happy for Jason and that he in turn deserves happiness.

Luckily, Jason has received an outpour of support from the media, his team members, family and friends including unexpected support and encouragement from President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. Carolyn was deeply saddened in 2009 when Jason unexpectedly called off their engagement. A hurt that she reports she is still struggling with till this day. What is happening in the world that we live in? Have we become so disgustingly judgmental that gay men feel like they have to hide within the walls of heterosexual marriage? Is this the only way they feel like they will be accepted? How many children are being born into homes with gay fathers that are pretending to be straight for the sake of acceptance? I do hope that this isn’t the case with Porsha and Kordell,Stewart. In the event that it is, I pray that he too find the courage to live in his own skin. I believe that Jason Collins has opened the door for other gay men that are struggling with the fear of coming out and disclosing their sexual preference. It’s only in our personal truth that we find healing and comfort. We have to stop pointing fingers when we encounter what is unnatural for us. We are all brothers and sisters and we need to support one another accordingly. Life is difficult enough without having to be what we aren’t. I’ll continue to bring stories like this to you throughout this relationship series. Later this month I’ll be interviewing author, B Styliz Ortiz (www.bstylizortiz.com), who wrote the book, “Pretty Boy with the House in Virginia”. We will be uncovering his personal experiences with stories just like these; stories that involve men that are in heterosexual relationships but are secretly (unknowingly to their spouses) homosexual. We’ll be discussing the dangers that some of these relationships can involve; the hurt and rejection that they can cause and how some folks end up being exposed to or even contracting HIV-(the “House in Virginia”). This series is going to be an awesome journey of eye-opening knowledge. Let’s Go!

Much Luv,

Introducing My Spring Relationship Series Kick-Off

2013-04-30T07:53:00.003-07:00

I'm so excited to launch my new relationship series! My spring relationship series will include a little bit of everything for everyone. I've been studying some of the most intense relationships over the past year (including my own failed attempt), and some of what I've learned has been shocking!!! My firmest and most concrete understanding of all that I’ve learned is this: God is Love! He wants what is best for each of us in every single situation and it’s really just that simple. When something doesn’t feel right instinctually, 9 out of 10 God isn’t involved in it at all. Our culture has seemingly fallen asleep and in its slumber has found ways to shut out God’s Love and even worse to ignore it. I’ve discovered that for most people it’s easier to fall victim to our more natural sinful nature then to put in the hard work and effort that it takes to do what’s right. Building character submerged in integrity in a world that’s built on lies isn’t always an easy feat. Across the board I’m finding that relationships that are built on the Word of God, in Honor, in Truth, in Commitment, in Loyalty and in Love are the ones that have the most endurance and the greatest chance of survival. All relationships in general require an unbelievable amount of physical and mental patience and perseverance. Living with and adjusting to your mate’s personality, beliefs, customs and character traits, won’t be easy all of the time. It would be impossible for anyone to think that marriage is some sort of constant joy ride on the back of a truck filled with haystacks. It’s not! The couples that learn to lean on God’s understanding versus their own understanding will always have an advantage to overcome the adversity of normal bickering.

These couples are enlightened with the knowledge to understand that only God’s unfailing Love can sustain their union. A minister from California, Patricia Ashley, puts it this way, “God Loves your mate more than you do”. “God will work it out.” These principles can apply to singles that are looking for love as well. Singles need to be aware that even in times of loneliness, despair, and struggle; God is preparing someone special to love, care and to protect your heart. With careful observation these are some of the conclusions that I’ve come to but it’s taken me some time. For some additional guidance with this I advise both men and women to read Ephesians 5 in the Bible, which offers a spiritual guide to relationships. I found additional support for healthy relationships in the Book of Titus. What I think you’ll find most interesting is the wealth of information that I’ve collected on a whole for this series. I had to have conversations that were extremely uncomfortable, listen to music that makes me cringe and really try to get to the root of what is tearing us away from finding spiritual long-lasting Love in a very cold and evil world. Instagram, Reality Television, Facebook, Online-Dating sites, Over-zealous rappers (degrading women in every sense of the word), Women compromising their morals with jobs that are defiling, are just some of the outlets to name a few that are actively working against our favor. Let’s take this journey together so that I can fully dissect everything that I encountered carefully. I ‘m hoping that once we get through the mud we can start working on the solutions to some of what I see as being our biggest issues in a divorce centered culture. Spring is a season of cleansing and renewal and I've always felt that way. I hope that by bringing some of these issues to the forefront we can move forward in positive unison.

Our culture is still harboring harsh opinions about homosexuality. I've discovered how this is backfiring and spilling over into some of our seemingly heterosexual relationships. Men that are uncomfortable with fully coming out of the closet are actually getting involved with heterosexual women and in some instances even marrying and having babies with these women. This down-low lifestyle is being used as a means to cover-up their gay reality and is a major contributing factor in spreading STI's. This month I'll be interviewing Author B. Styliz Ortiz who wrote the book, "Pretty Boy With The House in Virginia". This writer from Brooklyn, speaks candidly in his book about struggling with HIV and the dangers of promiscuity. B. Styliz Ortiz also has a blogsite that you can read on wordpress, at: http://prettyboywithhiv.wordpress.com. Before ever learning of B's story on Twitter I was learning much of this little dirty secret world from my own friends and it was quite shocking to me! Awareness is my biggest, biggest goal for Summer 2013 and I can't emphasize that enough. The culture that we live in today focuses so much on oneness and independence that it's easy to lose sight on the importance of Love and interdependence in the midst of it all. Singer Pink has this great song out now featuring Nate Ruess called, "Just Give Me a Reason", and it offers so much hope for couples that have hit that ugly brick wall that seems so impossible to climb over. This is the Hope that so many of us have lost in our loves and this season I pray earnestly that we get it back! Every relationship isn't meant to be left flat or to just walk away from. Some relationships are truly Blessings from God that we just have to work through a tiny bit. When the name of another person is written on your heart, why just walk away? We can learn to love again if we just realize that, "We're not broken, just bent". I'm so optimistic this season and I so want to be here every step of the way to answer your questions and to offer you the best possible advice I can.
I promise in the midst of this series I will post a live video message for my readers. I'll check to see where we're at with the series and you'll get a little inside view of my life as a writer. I'm excited to begin this journey with you! I decided to start the series with, "After The Booty Call", which is already posted. I want to bring light to the darkest areas first so that we can shift into the light of healthy love. I'm excited!!!

Let's Talk About It...

Much Luv,

After The Booty Call

2013-04-28T09:26:00.001-07:00

This Spring I’d like to kick off a new relationship series. I want to touch upon the good, the bad, and whatever else is in between. It’s been a while since I’ve done this and my intuition tells me that now is the time. Many readers have been here since I've started this crazy journey that I call my life nearly 3 years ago. For that I'm humbly grateful and I have to truly send all of you my sincerest thanks. I've been very open with these pages and that will never change about me. Through my ups and my downs, my highs and my lows, you have been here and that amazes me. It's been an uphill battle filled with lots of growing pains, lots of tears, lots of shame and learning, yet lots of joy & plenty of God's Love. The positive feedback that I receive from the majority of you is what always keeps me coming back. I’d like to give way to this new series and extend my hand to those that need it the most. What I want all of you to know before we begin is that any relationship that isn’t deeply rooted in the Love of God is destined for disaster. For my Ladies, this Spring I want to encourage you to have standards, set limits and know your boundaries. Even more so, I want to encourage you to have high standards; the type of standards that demand a man’s respect and don’t give way to the social media traps that society has set us up for. Fellas, I challenge you to find that amazing woman that makes you want to give her your absolute best! A Lady that makes giving her your best the most amazing feeling ever! I'm gonna dig really deep with this one. Some of the content will be uncomfortable but we'll work through it together. Enjoy…

I decided to write this post in an attempt to reach out to my young sisters. Not insinuating that my older sisters aren’t still struggling with this one but I realize its way harder to teach an old dog new tricks. Let me start out by saying that my booty call days are long behind me. When God’s Grace touches the heart of a woman there’s an amazing transformation that begins to take place. Sinful nature is avoided at all costs and God’s Love replaces self-hatred. Situations that I would have compromised my soul for are no longer nor will they ever be options for my life. I had a vision earlier today and I remembered my own booty call days and the emptiness that always followed immediately after. There was definitely instant gratification that came from being in the company of and held by a man for one-night, a few weeks or in some instances a few months but the scars of emptiness left behind with these temporary relationships was never worth the pain. Thinking back I can remember waiting anxiously for that after phone call or text message. Just something to wash away the shame and feeling of guilt that lingered that following day. Realizing that I was sleeping with someone that refused to make a monogamous commitment to me as if I was on probation and they had to observe if I was worth the price. Looking back I wish I had just one positively strong female in my life that would have said, “Baby, you are not a loaner vehicle to be driven around until this man decides if he wants to keep you or not”.

Being a writer gives me the opportunity to speak to so many women from so many different backgrounds. I get to hear their perspective of what a booty call is to them. It saddens me that across the board many women often try to sell me on the convenience of these short-term rendezvous. “It’s convenient for me because I’m not looking for anything serious at this time.” is what I hear the most. My thoughts are always like, “Huh, what in the hell is convenient about letting a man into your personal space, to defile your body, and then leave you emotionally malnourished with inconsistent communication, which often times is initiated at his leisure?” My last booty call was the worse and was the “eye-opener”, or so to speak for me. The young man was very much my junior in age and he had this youthful spontaneous energy that one just doesn’t have when one is a responsible adult holding down a home, a car, bills and most importantly children. I admired his carefree way of being and his ability to completely abandon any emotional attachment to our situation. On one particular evening we broke the entire frame of my bed and I remember thinking, “This is ridiculous, and this needs to end”. This was the type of intimate and physical relationship that I’d want to have with my future husband not a man that’s leaving me completely unsatisfied emotionally when he walks out the door.

Why would I compromise my standards? Why was I ok with doing what everyone else around me was doing? Women tend to be nurturing and caring beings by birthright. We’ll see one of our best girlfriend’s about to hit a brick wall and instead of slapping her with a dose of tough love reality we’ll play the devil’s advocate and say things like, “Girl, you have that young man sprung”, or even more dreadful, “Girl you still got it!” To make matters even worse, we’ll pick-up the phone shortly after and tell another girlfriend how stupid we think the first girlfriend is. Foolish encouraging words of self-destruction circulate around our friendships that aren’t submerged in truth. Thankfully, I’ve learned to become my own best-friend in these instances and I found a lovely 25 year-old young lady to introduce to that particular young man. I removed myself completely from the situation because in addition to selling myself out, I was also defiling my temple; the beautiful body that God has given me to share with a man that I’m fully committed to in God’s image of Love. The Bible sums it up very nicely in 2 Timothy 2:22 “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love and peace.

In this new age of Instagram and Facebook, I see how easy social media steers my young sisters toward soul-selling. We take pictures of our every movement throughout the course of our day and in most instances we get feedback from men that are attracted to the physical assets we readily put on display. How many, “likes” a young woman gets in an hour begins to become her validation of self. How many men will want to link up with her based solely on her publically displayed sex appeal, image (or lack thereof), and the idea that her Instagram Love doesn’t cost a damn thing. This is where some of the most un-meaningful relationships will begin. We have set new lows for women in our society; talk of God and of the church becomes that of the radical Christian that no one wants to be associated with. It’s way easier to do what everyone else is doing and continue selling out the one person that you need to rely on the most...yourself. One young lady in her late 20’s recently told me that her boyfriend, (whom she met on Instagram) actually “deserved” some sex from her after sending her flowers multiple times and taking her out on occasion. This is the mentally that we buy into when we refuse to pull out our pencil and paper and really reevaluate what our relationship goals are. In a society that is ravaged with the virus HIV how we’re not asking for a person status at the top of our goal list is simply absurd to me.

If the long-term goal is marriage or let’s say that the short-term goal is simply a committed relationship then I can promise you booty calls are not going to bring you any closer to either of the two. Having sexual intercourse with a man is like allowing him an up-close and personal communion with your soul. Spirit to spirit contact is what leaves a woman feeling so empty after a booty call encounter. The emptiness comes from the intertwinement of the two souls. We’re spiritual beings before anything else. Young men have become so desensitized to sex with young women that many times there is zero regard for any type of on-going communication after the initial encounter unless of course, it involves more sex. My analogy for this is just a sleeping subconscious that allows both parties to forget the true nature of what we were created as humans to do. We were created to love one another. The sleepy state-of-mind that many of us are in prevents us from igniting that flame of God that lives right inside of our inner core. I really need to start paving the pavement more often. I need to come up with a questionnaire for young couples that are participating in these non-contractual and dangerous sexcapades. They’re unhealthy, unsafe, and in many cases they’re the root to why many of us have so many trust issues to begin with.

Finally, if you find yourself wondering what the next step is after the booty call. Then my advice to you would be to take matters into your own hands and make the next step. Ask God for the guidance that only he can offer and tell the young man that you’re involved with that you mistakenly lowered your standards but that moving forward you won’t be able to continue on that road. You may have to simply sacrifice having anything with him altogether but I promise you that in the long-run nothing will feel better than having respect for yourself. Let’s start spring off with the fresh renewal of Life that it represents. Keep God’s Love first and you’ll always remember that His Love is all you need. In times of loneliness, trust, lean on and talk to Him. Remember that God wants you to have all the wonderful things that this life has to offer. That includes a loving Husband to “protect”, “provide” and “profess” (Steve Harvey’s 3 P’s theory), his love for you.

Wishing you colorful and passionate Love built on God’s rock this season! I Love you all and want the absolute best for each and every one of you. Let’s move toward love, marriage, family and stability. Let’s refrain from participating in booty calls. A season of building up versus spreading apart and tearing down! Let's go Ladies...R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Much Luv,

222 And Me

2013-04-22T06:26:00.001-07:00

For at least 5 years now, I can trace the trailing of the number 222 in my life. As peculiar as it may sound at first, this number has a way of following me. I see it at the most random times on some of the most random things. Often times, it’s the time on a digital clock or on my cell phone, but it’s also been the price that I pay for a particular item at a store, an address, the numbers on a license plate or as seen in the picture above, the time to return on a parking meter ticket. It’s a number that speaks to me so much so that I mentioned it to my Aunt one day. I was trying to figure out if there was any type of family linage to the number. I thought I came close, when I realized that both my cousin and my grandfather died on the 2^nd day of a month but more recently I came up with a much better understanding. I was blessed when a friend was honest in sharing his similar peculiar occurrences with the number 444. He did some internet research and came up with a way better explanation than I had for my number sequence. I’ve always associated numbers with the Bible and therefore numbers have a very spiritual significance to me. So when my friend mentioned that he had discovered that 444 was actually his Angel Number I was profoundly intrigued. He directed me to a blog that he discovered in connection with his number sequence. I was able to read all about the significance of his numbers and how they apply to his life. I decided to delve further and investigate my own number and I plugged in 222 to the site search engine. 222, has felt like it belongs to me since it has been with me. I have a personal attachment that I am unable to quite explain with words to this number. When something personal is going on in my life and I see those three 2’s pop up, I know that there’s something I should or shouldn’t do. Almost as if the numbers are trying to tell me something or even possibly confirm or deny something. If this has ever happened to you then please continue reading because you too may discover the meaning of a number sequence in your life.

The blog I was led to belongs to a woman by the name of Joanne. The site, called Joanne’s Sacred Scribes can be found right here on Blogspot at: www.sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com. From the moment I logged onto her blog to read about my friend’s numbers I knew there was something very legitimately spiritual about the explanation in bold print before my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t relate to his numbers but as I continued to read I was very eager to see how my own numbers would be defined. I had previously heard of spirit guides and I believe very much in guardian angels so the text was nothing that I struggled with on a spiritual level. Realistically, I would imagine that the Loving God that I serve “appoints” a guide or an angel to protect me and to help me along on my journey. Life is difficult in so many ways and many times we don’t know which way to turn when we are faced with one particular situation or another. What I didn’t realize was that these guardian angels and/or spiritual guides could reach us in such a prominent way with such purposeful intent. Joanne’s detailed explanations immediately reminded me of the prophet Daniel in the Bible. In the Book of Daniel, he was often called upon to interpret visions and dreams for King Nebuchadnezzar. He was able to do so in such a detailed way that none of the fortune tellers, astrologers or magicians could do. Joanne’s writing in all of its simplicity seemed to be deeply rooted and touched by God. I was in awe as I read how precise her explanation of my number sequence seemed in parallel to all areas of my life.

In this past year I’ve learned so much about the power of prayer. I’ve also learned so much about the power of believing in those prayers. Most people lose their belief in their petitions before God can ever answer them. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t pray with the type of fervor that the Bible speaks of. That type of fervor that gets answers from God and waits on guidance from the Holy Spirit. When we listen to God’s Word; God listens to our petitions in return. The Book of 1 John 3:22 says this regarding prayer, (NLT), “²²And we will receive from Him whatever we ask because we obey Him and do the things that please Him”. There’s a dual partnership between the petitioner and God in regard to prayer. One that requires the petitioner to uphold the Word of God and to walk in a way that is pleasing to our Heavenly Father. What stood out most to me when I read Joanne’s blog was her mention that my petitions were being heard yet patience was being required on my behalf by my Angels. That was so deep for me and something I very much needed to hear as I continue to grow in my relationship of Faith and Hope with God. I often pray for things with haste and when I don’t see a quick remedy I move on and start praying for something else. I completely let go of the importance of the original petition and that’s why hence it’s never answered. To read that my petitions were being heard was so awesome to me. The life that I have imagined for myself as a successful writer has never withered. Writing from my heart motivated by the Spirit of God that lives inside of me has always been my hope. I’ve never doubted that he hears me yet reading it bought about additional reassurance that felt really good.

Bold light, and a life directed by God’s Grace, is what many of us are searching and longing for. My biggest desire through my work and my writing is to please God. There is nothing more important to me during my journey here...nothing. I want to encourage, uplift and motivate my readers to live their best lives! I want to be of service to each of you, yet I need my Creator to look down and to be pleased. Many people are surprised when I tell them that I’m born in the 7^th month, of 1977, and that the numbers of the day in which I was born the 25^th, equal 7 if added like this, (2 + 5 =7). I’ve heard people say the number 7777, will equal great miracles in a person’s life. I intend to do my part and be adherent those miracles. At this very moment without anything concrete to support my theory, I know that my writing and the words of The B.C. Chronicles will extend throughout the world. I know that children will be touched by my work although I am not exactly sure how. A day will come when I will pass out colorful writing journals and pens to small children. I will encourage them to write whatever comes to their innocent minds. They can write about their best day at school or at home, their favorite teacher or pet or about what they want to be when they grow up. My motivation will be that they never stop writing. The free-spirits of this world need encouragement to share their talents. I believe the world is truly a better place with those unique and talented individuals that may not have always fit in, made friends easily, or that were never really accepted by the majority. To know that each of us have Angels in our corner that want us to succeed, to be fruitful and that want to help guide us keenly from the spiritual realm is awesome!

If only one of my readers connect with this post and get to find the meaning of a number sequence that has been following them; I will be immensely happy! When we share our truth with one another we grow as human beings. For some, this concept will be difficult to grasp because it doesn’t fall under the school of logic. I never did too well in that school J

Wishing you Blessings, Love, Hope and Peace as always; God Bless you all.

Much Luv,

The Power of Love

2013-03-19T09:26:00.002-07:00

In order for one to write about the sweetness of Love, one has to truly believe in the power of it. The Power of Love is magnetic and I believe in it strongly! The Bible explains it this way in 1 Corinthians 13:13, “Three things will last forever-faith, hope and love-and the greatest of these is love”. There’s an electricity that one feels instantaneously the moment that their feelings of love or attraction are reciprocated by the one that they want in return. That’s the Power of Love. The Bible goes on to explain that, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” 1 Corinthians 13:7. Wouldn’t it be so sweet if marriages in America were built on this verse? There is something so powerful in the word endurance. “Permanence” and “duration” are some of the words that Webster’s Dictionary uses to define endurance. Imagine if we lived in a world where people would fight for their Love instead of against one another. I think the Power of Love directly coincides with the Power of Forgiveness. I pray that my next encounter with love will be my last. I promise to Love, Honor and Cherish every moment of it. I’m excited for it even though it hasn’t happened. That’s the Power of Hope. In the interim, I practice faithfully loving God. Our relationship has gotten so much deeper than ever before. Waking up daily for prayer, and morning devotionals have helped me to delve into a much better understanding of how our Heavenly Creator operates. God is Love and all he wants from his children is love in return.

My time spent with God has made me realize my dependency on His love. Similar to being in a relationship with a man, parent or with one of my children I never want to be without God’s Love. When a single or a married person takes the time to firmly root their relationship with God; that borne fruit can be counterproductive in one’s other relationships. This is where the Grace of God takes us. Isn’t the concept simply magnificent? I think it is. I’ve totally conditioned myself to understand that without my Creator’s Love in my life I will fail miserably at trying to extend my Love to a life partner or to anyone else for that matter. Patience and Love completely coincide. I’ve learned through years of impatience how important it is to actually have patience. When entering a relationship with a patient ear you can listen even more intently. One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to listen effectively; people that talk a great deal typically suffer with this as well. I walked away from my last relationship not knowing anything of real significance about the person that I thought I wanted to marry. Other than reading about his personality in the results of a popular on-line exam; I didn’t know anything concrete, significant or really personal about him. Ultimately, I walked away feeling empty and very embarrassed by that. With every experience we have the opportunity to learn something about ourselves and to do better in the future.

The Power of Love will defy any human odds over the outcome. The Bible says this in Mark 10:9, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”. By couples taking the time out to really listen to one another; they have a strong chance of avoiding any miscommunication that could later lead to hard feelings. Defining the relationship constantly is also key. If you have questions for your significant other just ask them. Within the first year of marriage or any serious new relationship I would advise the couple to hibernate. During this hibernation period the couple should have the opportunity to acclimate to one another’s needs, wants, ideas and desires for their relationship. The Power of their Love will have a real chance to flourish because outside influences will be kept at bay. Having the chance to figure out what they both want without the judgment, advice or opinions of friends and family members can create a strong foundation between the couple. By no means, am I suggesting cutting friends and family off during this time. We all wear different hats with our relatives and friends than we do in our relationship. If someone you’re considering getting deeply involved with says to you, “My mother is my best friend”. I would have to question where do you fit into that relationship. Is there even room for you to be a part of that friendship? We have a responsibility to actively hear what people say when they say it, and even more importantly to accept it rather than to think that we can change it later on down the line. We can’t just fill-in the missing blanks or make things up as we go along. We can’t interpret things the way we “think” they should be or make assumptions on our partners’ behalf. For example, I couldn’t expect that person to ever make me his best friend if he was acknowledging that the position was already filled. Now had he said something more hopeful to me like, “My Mother is my best friend yet I would love for the woman in my life to eventually fill that space?” I might have visualized the statement with an idea that implicated a long-term commitment. As I mentioned earlier, the Love seed needs to be watered constantly in order to grow.

In conclusion, with long-temperance and a still spirit we can learn to be way more accepting of everything that God gives us. That includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. In God’s time, He will introduce you to the one that he has handpicked, reared and guided directly to you and for you. That blissful moment will be impactful and your intuition will awaken you to realize that you don’t want to spend another living day without that special person. Embrace, give thanks and cherish every single moment of your Love for the Blessing that it is. Always believing and knowing that its powerful force will never die when it’s true. Come rain or shine the two of you will grow closer and closer to one another with each passing day. Love holds no records and if you focus on planning your marriage versus your wedding day things will always remain solid. Relationships are easy to walk away from but very hard to endure. The person that God has picked for you will never walk away from you. They will be tested with temptation as we all are but they will never find it easier to take refuge in another because you will mean that much to them. Doesn’t that sound sweet? J

I’m praying that the renewal of spring 2013 brings fresh and fragrant Love to each of your lives; May God Bless You all.

Much Luv,

So Many Failed Attempts

2013-03-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me the other day, “BC, how’s your relationship with your Dad?” I felt this immediate sadness come over me as I carefully thought of my answer. Before I could speak it, my heart was warmed with the feeling of holding his strong hands. “Pops” has always meant the world to me. My protector, my provider and the first man I ever loved and trusted. How could it be that so many years have gone by without us speaking or writing one another? Déjà vu flooded my mind, as I remembered Pops and I going to visit his father in the hospital while he was on his death bed. Pops didn’t want him to die and he had not made peace with him in this life. All I could remember him saying was that they never got along. Pops and I on the other hand were like two peas in a pod. We were both Leo’s (me in July him in August), we were both the center of attention in our worlds and I could never imagine us being inseparable. How someone could be asking me about him in 2013 and I not have something positive to say like, “My relationship with my Dad is perfect!” “My Father is so proud of the woman that I have become.” I thought, “Oh Heavenly Father, what have I done? How in the world could I be so cold to the one man that has always given me the softest part of his heart? I imagined my sit down in Heaven with Jesus Christ. I could see Jesus saying, “My child you were told to Honor your mother and father”. What a disappointing response I would have to offer. “I haven’t spoken to my Dad in years?”; “Oh My God, Why BC?” the next question. To avoid further embarrassing myself I just said, “We had a fallen out”. The actual answer should have been, “I didn’t get my way, and I stopped contacting him”.

What an evil person I must be to do such a thing. My father told me, “No”, at the one time in my life that I needed a, “Yes”. My father never knew what I was going through behind the scenes because I’m very careful at protecting the feelings of the people that I care about the most. I was facing rejection and heartache by my youngest child’s father like I had never experienced thus far in life. Had I been younger and hurt I would have just run to my Dad. He would have picked me up and carried me to comfort like he always did. God Blessed me immensely with the father that he chose for me. I can’t tell you how accident prone I was as a child (I’m still an accident prone adult as well). Pops was just always there. He bandaged my cuts and bruises, pulled my hair away from my face when I had to vomit and always, always, always tucked me in at night with the big kisses that only he could provide. The scent of his Jovan Musk is something that I will die with embedded in my senses. How could I expect him to know that I was hurt or that I needed him if I wasn’t willing to share what I was going through at the time? Pops had other children and they shared everything with him. I being an isolated only child didn’t really understand how to do that. My fondest memory of him is that he never stopped listening to me. Anyone that knows a writer, knows that we talk about everything and we can go on and on with great detail. We can captivate a moment with our words and make you feel like you were there. His long fingers and 6’2”, stature always made me feel safe. My dad would have gone to the ends of the earth for me. My biggest fear in life is that the next time I lay eyes on him will be the same way it was when we went to that hospital to see his Dad; “Father God, why is life so immensely complicated?”

I looked for my Dad in every relationship that I ever had. One failed attempt after another, and I don’t know if I should be happy or embarrassed to say that no one quite measured up to him. My Dad is that awesome! A hands-on man that can paint, cook, clean, fix things, care and provide for his children and still manage to extend his hand to others. They don’t make them like him anymore. I always knew that he would walk me down the aisle when I got married. I also knew that he would have, “the talk”, with whomever I married. I knew that my Father was not pleased that I had children out of wedlock, yet and still he supported me regardless. My Father believed in my ability when I stopped believing in myself. I’m what you call flighty. When the going gets tough I run to avoid life’s issues. I’ve hurt my father many times by this. Never opening up and never being able to truly lean on him the way I did as a child. They say the way to a person’s heart is food. My Father always made it his business to feed me and to feed me well. Holding my hand, listening to me, explaining how important the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan were are things that my Pops did for me. I can think back to a particular summer day when my sweet tooth was fully charged. I ate so much junk that day and my Dad said, “Bobbi, you are going to get sick”, but like a glutton I just kept going. My Dad had a waterbed back then and when I finally settled down to watch TV…oh my, was I sick and I mean really sick. My Dad took care of me without ever feeling the need to say, “I told you so”, and that is the type of relationship I’ve searched for as an adult.

I did come close. I know that for certain. In my relationship with Citrus, I can honestly say that even his voice reminded me of my father in his younger days. His character, long fingers, love of basketball and stature were also a huge contribution. Failed attempts at Love are like tripping and falling in the street. It’s painful, but it’s also terribly embarrassing. Unfailing Love is so hard to come by in a world that is cultivated by logic. There is no space for logic in love. The most analytical thinkers will still only feel love with their heart muscles. Love is simply a feeling, but it’s everything. Love needs more love to grow, the way a plant needs water. Every attempt at love isn’t going to be successful attempt and that’s why it’s an attempt. It’s very important to walk away from each attempt with more wisdom than you walked in with to begin with. Love can be so bittersweet at times. Love is the most special and intimate feeling we can have here on earth. The best advice that I can offer my readers on failed attempts at Love is consciousness. Many fall into the trap of wanting to fill the void of being alone. Take the, “lonely time”, to study what you could have done better, what you’ve learned and more importantly what you want for the future. Always live in the moment and acknowledge every sensation of your pain. It’s ok to be hurt because hurt feelings are an affirmation that you loved hard.

I believe in loving hard and I also believe that love holds no records. Wronged doings will always be forgiven in a love that’s for you. Love never gives up. It’s enduring, unfailing and absolutely unending. Love is sweet, and it’s so very kind. It’s gentle, humble, righteous and unconditional. My Father taught me that. Even in my wrongs, his Love never faltered or died. I walked away from my Father’s love and I will have to live with that for a lifetime. Has anyone ever asked you what your relationship with your Father was like ladies? Fellas, how is your relationship with your Mom? The answer to these questions will be a major contributing factor as far as what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. I want you to also keep firmly implanted in your mind that what and who is for you will be just that. That is God’s Grace. What God brings together, no man can separate. You won’t have to sell yourself or make someone see what they can’t naturally. If for some reason, they don’t see you, then that just means it’s time for you to move onto the person that will. You can still love them and want what is best for them yet you owe it to yourself to keep moving forward. Often times, I long to be that small child that waited and depended on my Father for everything; as we’d cruise in his Blue Mercury, Topaz listening to Luther Vandross I knew that we would always be one in each other. Unfortunately, today that just isn’t the truth. Today our relationship is non-existent. I want to be the adult-child and leave him responsible to look for me versus me having to continually find himL. That probably isn’t going to happen and such is life. They say that a girl has to kiss many frogs before finding her true Prince Charming. Let your heart be open and full at all times. One person’s trash will always be another person’s treasure. Stay strong and keep your Faith in the Lord. God Bless You All.

Special thanks to Mrs. Beyonce Knowles-Carter. After watching her HBO Documentary, “Life is but A Dream”, I realized how fragile I too felt because of my non-existent yet quite fixable relationship with my Dad. Thank God for my Blog. The B.C. Chronicles is where I talk out loud. When I don’t have answers I still find refuge here on these pages that belong to me.

Much Luv,

Never Blink At Gunpoint

2013-03-15T06:05:00.002-07:00

As the nozzle of the assailant’s semi-automatic pistol was pointed at my forehead I refused to blink. My body was frozen, similar to the way an animal is right before an attack. I briefly remember thinking, “He will have to remember the look in my eyes in the event that he decides to pull this trigger”. My emotions were mixed, but my sentiment was, “Never blink at gunpoint”. A parent never wants to be put in a position that disenables them from protecting their child. One of God’s most precious given gifts to me was hunched over clinging to a wall and screaming in her lowest voice, “Oh My God”. Standing only three-feet away from her there was absolutely nothing I could do. I too thought of God at that moment and I remember thinking, “Heavenly Father, forgive him because he has no idea what he’s doing”. The showdown began when the blank stare standing in front of me realized that I refused to break my stare. Apparently the world sold him a raw deal and he was cashing in on his refund. His spirit was so dark that in essence it gave off this eerie and cold feeling. I quickly got chills from the very first moment that I laid my eyes on him.

It isn’t uncommon in a NYC Housing Authority Project (NYCHA) building, to find a random loiterer standing in a lobby. It was gloomy that day and chances were that he could have been either waiting for someone or simply seeking shelter from the cold. He resembled a student to me. Looking past his cold eyes he was wearing a backpack, and was decently dressed. I never gave it anymore thought than that. The vibe that enveloped his entire aura gave my spirit chills. I immediately began to grieve over his soul. He was angry and he needed to tell me over and over again that he could kill me. “Where’s the fucking money bitch”, “Give it up”, “Give it all up”, were some of the loud shouts that he exclaimed. It was 12:40 p.m., “How in the world could this be happening?” I thought. I like to think of myself as a precautionary type of a person and this was something that I just couldn’t conceive with my own human knowledge. As he continued to remind me that my life was in his hands I remember thinking, “Is he trying to convince me of that or is he merely trying to convince himself that he is capable of murder?”

“Forever connected”, was what crossed my mind next whether he killed us at that moment or would decide to let us live, the memory of the event in and of itself would never leave my mind. My knees disrespectfully began to buckle. They didn’t share the strength of my heart. Death was just seconds away for my knees. My heart on the other hand could feel the strongest presence of God beginning to fill that enclosed building lobby. For a second or two, I thought of passing out but a parent is always their child’s hero and passing out wasn’t an option. My mind began to flash on the beautiful childhood memories I had in this same building lobby. There was a time in 1986, that it was a clean lobby that always had a bright and warm feeling to it as I entered. I always had difficulty deciphering between the elevator and the stairwell knowing that either way I would always get upstairs to my home safely. Many times I would have my bicycle with me and shove it in the clean elevator. As a child I was often anxious to get inside of my home, my sweet and comfy home.

This was no longer that place and all I could think was, “How and when did all of this happen?”, “When did this Housing Project go so terribly wrong?” My immediate guess was years of damage, poor property-management, neighbors living in fear and afraid to even care. At that very moment a very grim thought came to mind, and I sensed that there was a complete and total absence of the Spirit of God. Housing Projects are exactly what they’re called, “Projects”. Rapper Jay-Z has lyrics in his song, “Do You Wanna Ride”, and his observation of the housing project experience is so accurate. He says, “You know why they call the Projects a project, because it’s a project!” Housing Projects are experiments. People living in a Housing Project are by no means living in mainstream society. Tenants are actually baited like lab rats when they are offered super low rent with all utilities included. Tenants feel as if they are in control and actually somehow saving money when they sign their lease. The clause that isn’t on the lease is that they are also signing away their safety and the lives of their children are what the project may take in return without consent. Some children become a product of the environment, which happened to me by the age of 16, some spend life sentences in jail, and some never make it out alive. What happened to my neighborhood? When did God move out? When did Satan move in? I moved out of Brooklyn before my 20^th Birthday and what I was witnessing now at 35, forced my spirit to grieve deeply.

How could I ever convince my daughter, a first year college student that the world is a good place? I wasn’t really sure that I believed that anymore. How could I turn my back on Brooklyn, a city so dear to my heart? This was an awful situation and I would have to think quickly in order to turn this negative into a positive in one way or another. As the robbery at gunpoint continued; I watched as the assailant became greedy. Having my daughter’s I-phone, my blackberry, cash, my handbag filled with more gadgets (my 11 year-old son’s cell phone, a kindle, credit cards, contact lenses and other misc items including my favorite patent-leather wallet/clutch and enough MAC cosmetics to open a small store), he still wanted more. That’s when he began ruffling my neck scarf with his hand while pointing the nozzle of the gun at my throat. “Where’s the jewelry bitch”, “You ain’t got no chain?”. I had enough at that point and I spoke. I said, “We don’t wear jewelry”. Then I said, “You took everything”. At that moment the assailant announced, “Go upstairs bitch”, and my daughter and I realized that our mini-hostage situation had come to an end. I was relieved. I pressed the elevator with haste. He motioned with his gun that we were to take the elevator and he would take the stairs. Before the elevator arrived he said, “I could fucking kill you bitch, as long as you know”, “Yeah, just as long as you know”, and like a ghost he was gone.

We knocked on my mother’s door with complete and total panic. She slowly made her way to the door which is most often the case. I frantically called 911 from the kitchen phone, and by the Grace of God was connected with a very compassionate phone operator. Within what felt like seconds the police were knocking at our door. I thought, “This has to be the assailant, because there is no way possible the police could have arrived so quickly”. I warned my mother not to open the door before knowing for certain that it was the police. Unfortunately, right before our ordeal the same thief stuck his gun into a 62 year-old woman’s stomach. Demanding cash and things of worth he went a step further and tried forcing the same woman into her building’s elevator. What I later found out that she was strong and told the thief, “No”, and wedged her foot in the elevator door to prevent being pushed in. The cops were on the scene already as a result of her emergency phone call. Everything seemed surreal. I was going through the motions yet nothing seemed to be registering. I walked into my childhood bedroom because I needed a moment. I closed the door and bent down on my knees to pray, “Heavenly Father, Thank you for sparing mine and Portia’s lives”, “Thank you for giving us more time here to have each other and to get it right”. My knees remained weak as I stood back up but what I couldn’t deny was that my joy was still completely intact.

The same joy that overfilled my cup earlier that morning was still there. That’s God’s Grace. Happiness may depend on one occurrence or another but the sweetness of concrete joy is given to us by God. Shock and disbelief carried me through the rest of that afternoon. Everything that happened during the remainder of that day is still a blur to me. I remember asking God why things like this have to happen. You see when you’re raised in the projects, you don’t fear the projects. Instinctually, you just come to understand your surroundings. It’s a profound concept to explain to outsiders but it’s really simple for us who grow up there. You’re always aware of the “going-ons of the neighborhood”, such as, homicides, gangs, domestic-violence, drug-dealers and dope fiends. There isn’t any conscious fear of walking to your car, going to the corner store or entering your family’s building that might very well be filled with loitering occupants. Instead, you hold your head up high, possibly gesture with a simple head nod or by saying, “What up”, and you proceed accordingly to your dwelling.

My assailant killed whatever element inside of me that was capable of doing that. I knew as I sat patiently at the local police precinct waiting for my report that my assailant took more than my handbag and all of my belongings. For one, that childhood image of home that brought so much warmth and great memories to me as a child was gone. I have no desire to visit there ever again and I will continue to pray that with time that will change. My hope is still intact for the neighborhood that I once loved. As I walk away from it, I also vow to never turn my back on it. God placed a calling on me that very same day and I know that I must help my former community. My mother’s building now represents a death trap where at any given moment, at any time of day; my loved ones and I can be physically harmed, robbed or even worse. The Serenity Prayer asks God for the courage to accept the things that we cannot change but for the discernment to know when we can. I will answer God’s call obediently helping and loving all of the residents of the Sheepshead Bay/Nostrand Houses. In time, I will pass the torch to a strong leader that is passionate about seeing NYCHA bring change to these four corners. I will love all of you the way that God mercifully loves me.

Exactly 1 week since the robbery my daughter sent me this text message today:

“I’m so embarrassed. I just walked into the pizza place and I freaked out. The man that works here was sitting at one of the tables. He immediately stood up to assist me but I was so startled. Mom, I thought he was going to shoot me. He said, “I’m sorry I just work here”.

I read a prayer of Thanksgiving that I would like to share with all of you. We all have something to be thankful for. Whether it’s our lives, our children, our family & friends, our careers or God’s Blessing and favor over our lives:

“Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth! Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are His. We are His people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation". ~Psalm 100:1-5

Praying that God Bless & Keep each and every person that reads this safe. May your family never experience this type of violation and crime in their lifetime.

To read more about what happened to my daughter & I last Thursday afternoon, please click the link below:

http://brooklyn.news12.com/news/cops-seek-armed-robber-in-sheepshead-bay-1.4785034

God Bless You All
Much Luv

The Caged Bride Sings

2012-10-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

The picture above signifies what the caged bride is for me. As her body stands beautifully behind the gate she is waiting on the right suitor to come along and lift it up. The caged bride finds her own happiness in the interim. She often realizes that she may never be set free. This saddens her deeply but only when she allows herself to isolate in her own solitude. She may never be given the chance to fly. The caged bride is awake and this is the fate that confines her. She is more awake then any of her suitors will probably ever be in this lifetime. If she closes her eyes she can even visualize past lives that she has already had. Her awareness is intimidating to many. She comes across as foreign or as if she is not of this world. It causes many to believe that she is too good to be true. It causes some to think that she is just putting up a façade. They don’t ever seem to understand her true nature or her true essence. That's when she has to remind herself that they are all still asleep.

Being awake in the midst of slumber isn’t always an easy feat. It is easier for others to ostracize her and to keep their distance. It is easier for others to point fingers and to swim in the lies that they create. The caged bride has resigned herself to be true to staying awake and she will never fall asleep until her exit. The caged bride is hopeful that one day she will be freed from the suffering of this world. Until then, she will continue to walk the earth with a poised glide and she will leave her mark wherever she goes. One of the scariest things to encounter here can be placing your heart in the hands of another. The second scariest thing has got to be watching your love slip helplessly through that persons fingers. You only zing once :-). The caged bride’s heart is a heart that is filled with love. A love that runs deep and through each and every one of her veins. Her soul is filled with deep sorrow. A sorrow that runs deep enough to debilitate her at times. She sees so many broken-hearted girls. Some are filled with anger, some are bitter and some are so jaded that their eyesight is green. The caged bride doesn't possess those qualities and therefore she refuses to join this crowd.

The caged bride is always happy when she is blessed to encounter those she knew in one of her past lives. They may have played a different role at that time but her soul always has the ability to recognize them just the same. The power of spiritual energy is something that can't be measured. Each and every day is a struggle for her to be here. There is a profound level of humility that comes with being this different...this aware. When day turns into night she is able to submerge herself in love. She loves Love more than anything in this world because it is the glue that binds us all. The caged bride longs to share this love yet she's smart enough to acknowledge the odds that are against her. Her happy heart sings, and sings and then it sings some more. Her heart never tires of singing. Only joy comes from song. What a blessing it is each day to be able to witness the birds fly, the sun set, the dogs bark, and the children play while hearing their contagious laughter. What a burden it is to carry the weight of this world and all of its amazement. The caged bride acknowledges her connection to her own spirit and realizes that she is responsible for setting it free.

I am the caged bride and I love you all immensely. I am a beautiful freak of nature and I wear that title respectfully. I count my blessings where they lay and I move forward on my journey in love and in peace. God Bless You.

Much Luv,

When We Made Love

2012-09-26T09:34:00.002-07:00

Every now and then I'll have a thought on my heart that won't allow me to rest until I bring it to life. This thought deserves the breathe of life so I'll share it with all of you rather than keep it to myself. My advice today is to treasure those that mean the most in your life. Don't hurt them unnecessarily, or use harsh words with them. Give them the value that they deserve because nothing here lasts forever. The following post is just a little reflection that was conjured up by the sound of Citrus' voice. Reflections come to wither but they can bring the most innate joy. God wants each and every one of us to have a jubulant life that is prosperous and filled with happiness. Not all prayers are answered as they may not pertain to his plans. Enjoy...

I heard your voice the other day, which brought some pleasant memories of us to my mind. I remembered the first time we made love and what a smile that brought to my face. I will always swear that our souls danced that first night. When you deeply entered my cave I held onto your girth as tightly as I possibly could. The electricity of your spirit set mine into an immediate jolt, a feeling that was completely unexpected. Brief euphoric moments; that I still have a difficult time trying to explain. The memories of that night will last a lifetime in my heart. I had visions of an entire future of waking up next to you each and every morning of my adult life. A love that would run deeper than my addiction for coffee is what I felt brewing in that room. As we moved on that bed in that city that somehow belonged to us, I felt as if the room was spinning. As u went deeper inside of me I fought harder to hold on, until we both let go simultaneously; an explosion of emotions that set off the kind of fireworks that I could never tire of watching. As I watched you sleep, that initial electricity still seemed to be there still circulating in the room. I prayed for you that night and for your safety. I prayed that God would keep us together if that was his will. Only God understands the unanswered prayers and all we can do is accept them. Many will have a difficult time that I’m discussing God and Sex but in this instance all I can do is be honest. I’m grateful to have had you wrapped in my arms that night or maybe you had me wrapped in yours lol. I’m grateful for the moans of sweet & gentle love-making. I’m grateful for chocolate chip, walnut cookies. I’m grateful for that city. I’m grateful to have had you as an experience in my life. I’m grateful for Saturday morning cartoons and cocoa puffs lol! Regrets don’t linger here, not even residual ones. We made love three-times that day and I fought the feeling of wanting you more. The memories are so sweet. So still in my mind yet so captured by my heart. Tasting your chocolate lips over and over and over again reminds me of how truly delicious kissing you always was. My sweet chocolate Citrus, oh how I miss you.

Much Luv

Think Like A Man

2012-04-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

3 years ago I read a book that changed my life for the better and I have been following the author of that book ever since. I heard a lot of buzz surrounding this "male tell all" book which was supposed to guide women to successfully secure a man back in March of 2009. When I opened, "Think Like A Lady, Act Like A Man", I was floored. The first page I read said, "This book is dedicated to all women." "My hope is to empower you with a wide-open look into the minds of men.", and I thought Damn! This book wasn't dedicated to Steve Harvey's children or to his momma or anyone else for that matter. It's just a book dedicated to the women of the world. Not only did I feel excited just to purchase it. I felt empowered to own it! By the end of chapter one I had my highlighter in hand and I was using this book as the guide that it was meant to be. I recommended it to my friends and if someone couldn't get there hands on it I lent them my copy. The stubbornness and lack of maturity I still had at the time is was why I think I never really fully followed Steve's advice. In hindsight, I realize that had I followed his advice I'm sure I wouldn't still be single. The blessing that came from the book was that my awareness in regard to relationships was tremendously heightened, hence The Booty Call (B.C.) Chronicles was born. I began to realize what a crock the generation of "Friends with Benefits" was. This idea that not being in love, and not being together in committed relationships was ok. I used my facebook page to slowly put my thoughts out into the world and in less than a year this blog was born. It was a very proud moment for me when La La Vazquez-Anthony announced that the book was being turned into a movie. Think Like A Man, hit theaters on April 20th and the day was marked on my calendar as if it was someones birthday!

The excitement I felt was deep down in my gut! You see, although Steve Harvey is empowering women by explaining the mindset of men. He is also helping women to understand how much power we truly have when it comes to love, relationships, intimacy and commitment. Disappointment was not going to be on any menu that Steve Harvey was serving up. I sat in my theater seat waiting patiently for all of the coming attractions to finish-up. I thought about the all-star cast including, Kevin Hart, Taraji Henson, Gabrielle Union, La La, and Megan Good just to name a few. The late night showing before mine was completely sold-out and I thought, "This is going to be a movement!". See when I read the book years ago I remember thinking, "Steve Harvey is going to save the world from a multitude of STD's with his theory on the cookie." The "cookie", is the metaphorical vagina and Steve's belief is that the cookie needs to stay in the cookie jar until any new candidate passes at minimum a 90-day probationary period. This is a philosophy that could literally save the world that we have come to live in. I believe that after about 5-weeks a woman will truly begin to see a man's true-self revealed and vice versa. The problem that couples typically encounter is that by this point if sex is involved it's usually a little more difficult to just walk away. Imagine this scenario, you sleep with a guy the 1st day you meet him. You begin dating him casually after the encounter and realize that you hate him. He's everything you thought he wasn't and now you find yourself in a very compromising position and you still want to call yourself a lady. I think for both males and females it's always difficult to say, "Hey, this isn't really working out for me". No one wants to be responsible for hurting anyone else's feelings. The movie, delved right into the book and the scenario plays out between 6 couples (one is a married man who's wife is never shown but the example of marriage is clear).

By there being 6 different relationships in the movie there is sure to be something that someone can relate to. The light and funny approach the movie takes on makes it easy to relate to even for those that have never read the book or for men that might be reluctant about going out to see it. There was so much that I was able to relate to personally. I walked away with a message that I needed for my own situation. I spent so much time thinking that I was undeserving of this particular person when all the while he was really the one that was undeserving of me. I would give my account of each couple in the movie and what my thoughts are but because I want you to go out and see it for yourselves I won't. What's positive about this movement is that Steve Harvey's message is so heartfelt. It's not a money making attempt to make women feel like we allow ourselves to be played by men. Steve wants to see change and a return to chivalry. Men and women have so much to offer one another. When standards are set high (acting like a lady) a man can quickly establish a plan for his woman. When a woman shows a man that her respect isn't given and that it has to be earned we change up a game that has gotten disrespectfully out of control. In a world like the one we live in today Steve Harvey will have a hard time competing with rappers like Lil Wayne that are still discussing how easy it is to f*%$ her and leave her alone. It's nice to have a man remind women that real men really do have plans for real women. From how they buy their cars, to their homes to how they select the woman that they will ultimately take the next step with. Go, go, go now and see this film. It's a little long so have popcorn and a very relaxed open state of mind going in. For the relationships that you can't relate to the movie may seem to drag a bit but I promise that you will laugh your heart out! We all know how good laughter is for the soul! Enjoy and let me know what message you leave the theater with :-)

Much Luv

The Secrets Behind Substance Abuse

2012-04-20T19:29:00.001-07:00

There will come a day when water will be the only beverage in my wine glass :-)

On February 11, 2012, the world lost a song bird and an icon that changed the world with her voice. Whitney Houston, was pronounced dead at her Beverly Hills hotel suite. The circumstances surrounding her death seemed to lie within the pages of a toxicology report. I finally got the opportunity to sit down and read the entire report last weekend. I found it quite disturbing and it was honestly a little uncomfortable to read. The coroner that examined the scene was able to provide a very illustrated account of what he saw in the suite on the afternoon of her death. As a reader, I felt almost as if I was prying into this woman's private affairs. A total invasion of the secrets that she would have never shared with the world. What caught my eye the most was the amount of "unknown" substances listed on the report such as, the crystal and powdery substances discovered. There was also open alcohol and a ton of cigarette butts. As I continued reading I began thinking, "Oh my, what things we do in private as individuals living with free will." Whitney Houston was undoubtedly a substance abuser. There was no question about that. Whether her mother and father wanted more for their child, whether her daughter wanted more for her mother, this woman was a substance abuser. As I delved further into the report, I delved further into my own issues with alcohol abuse. It's such a close topic to home that it dawned on me immediately that I haven't spoken of it much here. I've struggled with alcohol abuse for a little over 20 years now and I'm thankful that with each day that comes to pass I move a little closer to recovery. My Grandmother, a woman that adored while she was still in this world was a recovering alcoholic. My Mother was in the closet with her alcoholism. Hiding alcohol under the kitchen sink or in the freezer it was very strange. Occasionally, she would binge drink at a party and come home loud with her make-up running down her face. Alcoholism isn't only hereditary, it is also learned behavior and it passes easily through the generations. I am an alcoholic.

I need you to erase any stereotypes or hang-ups you have about what an alcoholic looks like. I do not drink alcohol on a daily basis (although if I let my cravings supersede my logic I would). I have never taken a drink of alcohol while I was pregnant with any of my children. I am an alcoholic. I am not a fool. Now if you're wondering what makes me classify myself as, "An alcoholic", let me begin to offer my explanation. The DSM-IV substance dependency code for my illness is 303.90. Addictions is defined in the dictionary as, "The continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse consequences". Some consequences were more adverse than others trust me. There is something very comforting about drinking alcohol. My drink of choice at the moment is white wine, Pinot Grigio is my favorite. I lose myself in my drink. I can release all the tension going on in my life right there in my first glass. Anyone that suffers from an addiction like mine will experience symptoms of withdrawal anytime the substance is reduced or discontinued from the body. My most obvious symptoms when I try to discontinue or decrease my alcohol intake are noticeable anxiety and irritability. From time to time I suffer from headaches and nausea as well. Pretty deep stuff huh? I am not in control when it comes to alcohol not in any situation. I can exclude myself confidently from the population of social drinkers even though there are times that I willingly curb my drinking. My alcohol consumption exceeds that of a social drinker by far and in one sitting I can easily down anywhere from 5-7 glasses of wine, beer, or even mixed cocktails. My consumption exceeds a social drinker's because I have no limitations. At this level it's easy to slip further and further into self-embarrassment. Talking loudly, laughing harder and dancing idiotically are all things that come with easy for me when I am drinking alcohol. When I'm "On one", as I like to call it there is an on-going battle between my unconscious and my conscious. Each one fighting to gain control over the other. Irresponsibility, is easy in this state and as embarrassed as I am to say it I have gotten behind the wheel of my car on numerous occasions. Each time I swear it will never happen again. I am a responsible sober person. I am by no means a responsible drinker.

These are the things that make me an alcoholic. My ego would much rather me tell you that I drink occasionally or every once in a blue but that would be a lie. My ego has a difficult time understanding with all of my intelligence, how I could be so stupid. The one thing in life that I have failed at miserably is not having control of my drinking. I didn't realize until I read Whitney's coroner's report how badly my addiction consumes me. Although I don't drink everyday, the addiction is still a part of my everyday life. Everyday that I don't have a drink is a battle overcome for me. While Whitney Houston's death rocked the world people were posting the comments and condolences on all of the social networks. (*smiling*) God is always right on time folks. The Heavenly Father will never forsake you. Never doubt that he will catch you right before you're about to fall. One of my fellow blogger's Madame Noire shared a link to a video on YouTube, posted by Talk Show Host Wendy Williams. The video was 7-8 minutes in duration and I happened to be watching it around 6am. I watched the video with my mouth open about 3 times before it really sunk in. It was so heartfelt and Wendy's grief was so visible that you could feel her sadness for the loss of Whitney. Wendy identified herself as a "crackhead" in the video and she shared a time when she was "hitting a crackpipe". She explained that this was something that her and Whitney had in common although they were never friends in this lifetime. Wendy said that she wanted to see Whitney overcome her addiction in this lifetime. She also hoped that one day her and Whitney would have shared a stage to help others suffering from the addition. She felt as if in the end their common addition would actually bring them closer together and mend the interview gone sour between the two years prior in 2003.

The video closed with Wendy challenging her viewers to confront anyone they knew personally struggling with any type of substance and/or alcohol abuse. She said, "The best thing you can do for that person is call 'em out". Then she said, "Keep calling 'em out", because with any type of addiction it's much more difficult to keep it a secret once you've been called out on it. There was an impact that hit me with the intensity of how she made the statement. I could recognize alcoholism in others yet not in myself. Here's where God comes in. I was called out by one of my family members on my alcohol abuse a few days after Whitney Houston's death was announced. At the time of her death my own personal issues with alcohol never dawned on me. I was sad when Whitney died because I was a fan. Not because I thought to myself, "If I keep drinking I can die". I was sad for her daughter and her mother and the people that were closest to her in her life. I watched her funeral services on television and it was soaked in prayer and spirituality. Pastor Winans took me to church and I never even had to leave my living room. What I immediately realized was how disconnected I was from God. I was dealing with a ton of personal issues at the time and I had never really taken the time out to speak with God and to say, "I Trust you Father God". I just worried myself sick with how I would make a way to get my family out of the rut that we were in. The funeral brought me peace. There is something about the journey home that brings me peace. Living on Earth is difficult and when someone goes home there is a feeling of them being set free. This was how I felt watching the services. I was thirsty for God and I needed to make and immediate reconnection. That following Wednesday I was on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Ash Wednesday Service was to signify the beginning of the 40 days of Lent. I decided to give up alcohol in recognition of what my family member was right about all along. I was no longer prepared to make excuses for my drinking and it was time to stop.

Before Lent I was very standoffish with my family member. I remember at one point I even said, "Do I look like an alcoholic to you?" My defensive demeanor was the sad reality to me that I did have a problem. You can lie to others but you can never lie to yourself. There is a tremendous vulnerability to addiction in adolescence. I started drinking in the 6th grade. I was 12 years-old. When I pinpointed the age that my alcohol abuse began I realized that I was definitely in some real danger. By becoming addicted to alcohol so early on I am the type of alcoholic that uses alcohol as a coping mechanism for almost everything. For example, the death of a loved one, a really bad day at work, bills that I'm unable to pay and then binge drinking at social events in an attempt to let it all go. Young, intelligent, pretty, and addicted to alcohol...ouch! This definitely wasn't on my "What do you want to be when you grow-up", list in kindergarten. By the time that I was 15 years-old my alcohol intake was more than any responsible adult would drink. Who teaches a child how to cope with the stressors of life? In the absence of family members some children turn to substances and I was one of those children. My Grandmother (the only mother I've ever known) played a major role in my upbringing. Mostly by showing me her heart and caring for me unconditionally. She believed in the importance of my education and she contributed heavily to my tuition expenses. I was an extension of her heart. In that sense, I was her child. Coping with her death at the age of 14 was virtually impossible for me. I used alcohol to lean on. As alcohol seemed to always bring me comfort, it also took me to a place where I could lose myself. Dropping out of high school was inevitable for me with my addiction. My alcohol abuse led me to resort to emotion-motivated reasoning which was the major cause in many of the bad choices I made as a teenager. I missed a lot of life but in time I will recover.

I opened my Bible the other morning to, John 15 and I continued reading through John 17. The reading penetrated my spirit and I recommend that you read the entire verse. Here is the verse I'll leave you with. John 16:33: "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows". "But take heart, because I have overcome the world." We owe it to the Lord to go out and produce lasting fruit. To connect with the world we live in and to make it a better place with our contribution . You can overcome any adversity the world puts on your back through the Source.

***Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution. Alcohol is poisonous in more ways than just over-consumption. It destroys families and it ruins friendships when it is abused. I hope this post makes it to the one that God intended for it to reach. I Love you all.

God Bless You All & thank you for allowing me to always set myself free here on these pages.

When The Call Comes In

2012-04-07T19:42:00.005-07:00

It was the evening of March 20, 2012, when the call came in. The steps that led to the coming of this call were all absorbed in a very innate tugging at my heart that I knew was coming directly from the Source, from God. The strange number in my cell phone didn't ring any particular bells in my head at that moment and the San Francisco area code didn't register. Without hesitation, I said, "Hello?". The mellow voice on the other end of the line said, "Hello, can I speak with Barbara Crooks please?" "This is Barbara". I didn't have enough time to even wonder if this was a telemarketer or what this phone call could even remotely be about because Ms. Renee Franzwa, the Program Director over at ProWorld quickly introduced herself and stated her claim. She didn't want me to buy anything. She wasn't trying to collect on a past due bill. Renee Franzwa's call would finally end my search to work as a volunteer in Africa. When I started my inquiries months ago, I didn't have a specific location that I wanted to go to. Didn't know if I would end up in Kenya, Uganda, Ethiopia or what? I just knew that I could no longer ignore the inner voice inside of myself telling me that I needed to be there. I didn't know if I would work with babies in orphanages or with women for their own empowerment or if I would just protest against genocide. I just knew at the core of my soul I needed to make my way there before the lights on my own life dim.

Talk about taken aback!!! Whew! Everything that I said I wanted was not only in this phone call; it was organized, and sorted out down to the exact location in South Africa where I would be heading. As Renee continued speaking to me, I had my laptop open and I was in complete awe of the beautiful place that God had chosen for me to volunteer. He chose me and the feeling in that was simply inexplicable. I mean c'mon folks we do know that he predetermines all of this stuff early on when he is mapping out the direction of our journey. Do we manifest our own destiny here on earth? Yes, I believe that we do yet at the same time I also believe all of the guidance comes from him. At nearly 35 years-old, I can honestly say that I've always felt a special connection with the Source yet I can't honestly say that I ever felt like a vessel for the Source. God lives in all of us and we are a direct extension of him in the physical sense; to say that I ever really understood that whole concept? "No", I can't say that, because I didn't. To act on God's behalf, to touch others and leave an impact in a stranger's life for no other reason than for the love of God, humanity and the world that I live in offers a feeling of peace. This was a daunting moment for me because it meant your girl BC was really about to put my money where my mouth is or so to speak.

As our phone call continued, Renee advised me that I would be sponsored by ProWorld to go on a working Visa to Cape Town, South Africa. In Cape Town, I would stay with a family there that is familiar with America Volunteers and have housed them before. She told me that my assignment would be to work with my program leader and assist with a literacy program for children. She said that with my background she felt that it would be a great fit for me. I would also be assigned with the task of motivating children not to participate in on-going gang activity within the town. She advised me of the dangers and I felt as if my entire life was coming to an unbelievable screeching halt in 0.5 seconds. Nerves began to succumb me momentarily, but the overall feeling was immense joy. The feeling of knowing that this was something that I felt compelled in my heart to do. ProWorld couldn't have made it any simpler than they did. My 35-years here all made sense in that very moment. It all made sense. It felt as if someone had taken into account the years of nurturing and care-giving that I have provided to my own children and now I could take that same Love to a village. I remember watching world news with my Grandmother as a child and seeing the suffering that Apartheid caused in South Africa. Black people in South Africa were deprived of their citizenship during those years and treated in comparison to animals. Racism continues to run through the veins of many there as it still does here in America. What my memory holds dearest is the images that I have of Nelson Mandela. Anti-Apartheid leaders like him were imprisoned for fighting for the opposition of inequality. That has always touched my heart in ways that made me feel connected to something that wasn't even happening directly in my own country. Racism has always bothered me. Peacemakers have always stirred my spirit. I am a child of the world that has never seen color.

With all of these thoughts running deep through my head I told Renee that I needed to sleep on what she was presenting. I promised that within 24-hours I would provide her with my final response. I heard the slightest disappointment in her voice yet I heard a mustard seed of hope. When we disconnected I was in complete and total shock. I mean I knew that I was going and there was no confusion in that yet I was forced to quickly calculate the details. What would I tell my children? How would I present this to my family & friends? I googled, and googled, and then I googled some more. I thought of everything from mosquitos to what I would eat while I was there. Renee had advised me during our call that I would be provided with unlimited bottled water, which trust me if you knew me that would sound like ice cream with whipped cream and cherries on top lol. I chuckled lightly to myself at the way God works. Just the day before on March 19th, I fully committed to a vegan lifestyle. I chuckled, because I thought to myself, "God really knows what he's doing huh". Had I not become a vegan my stay in South Africa might have been very difficult especially seeing how spoiled we are here in the States when it comes to food. What an amazing God I serve. Your steps will be ordered in such a calculated manner that you can literally go back and retrace them to create a timeline. I could go on and on about how I've known since childhood that my journey would take me to South Africa but we would be here for a very long time.

The question I want to pose to you before I close is this, "When the call comes in, what will you do?" How will you answer when God comes to ask for your assistance? How important is it to you to give your all in this world? How important is it to you to contribute selflessly? How important is it to you to leave your mark? To me it means everything and I promise that I will leave this world with no regrets because I will be the extension of God that he needs for me to be in the most unselfish way that I know how to be. Will the road ahead be easy? "No", I'm almost sure that I'm fully unprepared for how difficult it will actually be. All I know is that with a cup overfilled with faith in my hand I'm ready to grab a bottle of Skin-So-Soft and head to South Africa (I'm most worried about mosquitoes & gangs lol). This is the next phase of the journey for BC. It will be my pleasure to keep all of my readers updated and informed on how this all plays out. I will journal everything from obtaining my Visa to getting all of my vaccinations to leave the United States. This is it folks I'm on my way and I could never have done this without all of this inspiration that I receive right here from all of you. Thank you for supporting a girl's dream to write and leave her story with the world. I love you all! I also encourage all of you to extend your hand to the world in any way that you see fit. A donation, a walk-a-thon, a blood-drive, volunteering at your child's school and the list goes on and on. I promise you that in turn it will help you to fully embrace the experience of life. Leave your footprints on the sands of time.

May God Continue to Bless & Keep you All

Much Luv

A Stand for Trayvon Martin

2012-04-02T19:04:00.005-07:00

The 10 year-old Black boy in this picture is my son Jessiah Lucien. In 7-years he could easily be Trayvon Martin. By the Grace of God I hope he never has to be. Jessiah has his back against a blanket that reads the Serenity Prayer in it's entirety. #RIPTrayvon, there is not a mother of a Black son in this country that will ever sleep the same at night again until we as a nation bring your killer to justice. Your murder forces the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr's words to ring with fire in all of our ears. I have been forced to open my history books and to re-read the Emancipation Proclamation, the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments. Not because this is an issue of slavery but because there has been a violation of Civil Rights here within a country that has never fully embraced the world equality after the abolishment of slavery. Yes, the history books are needed for my mind to go back to a time when I didn't even exist as I try to grapple why ignorance wasn't abolished in 1865 with slavery. My mind also has to grapple why a young man has been murdered and why his killer is free. My Country is said to be an oasis of freedom and justice yet there seems to be somewhat of an imbalance as to how it's all devied up. It's easy to sit down it's much more difficult to stand. I've always preferred to stand. The legal system in America is failing. When there is no STANDARD as to how we handle any particular event i.e. murder, we have failed. God help this Country *sighs*.

~What you will read next is the rawness of the emotions that I have held onto for more than a month~

Before I continue I would just like to take this opportunity to ask the Lord that I serve to please continue to shine his Grace on Trayvon's parents. Their Strength has come directly from the Source because it has been undying. God Bless the Country that I call my home. In 2012, a Black teenager is killed because racial profiling still exists in my country and with the rate of technology this blows my mind. We are a Smart Nation that does really dumb things. 36 days ago a mother and father had to hear the words that no parent ever wants to hear while we are still amongst the living (Sass, God Bless you because this brings my heart to you). They learned the fate of their child that simply went to the store to the local store to by candy & a drink. A familiar action that children of all races do routinely and repetitively. I have been silent for 36 days because this pill wasn't easy to swallow. God will wake a nation up when it falls asleep. How is it that Martin Luther King Jr. stood in Washington, D.C. in 1963 to deliver his, "I Have a Dream" speech and this is where we are today? Shame on us because we are the nation that makes the Heavens cry with our ignorance. Race in this country is equivalent to unruly tension. This was not the dream MLK envisioned for us. The dream he spoke of clearly stated, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character". Racism is ugly. Racism causes people to do ugly things. Racism has broken the heart of my Brown skin many of times. Stereotyping is a form of racism no matter how calm the manner. We have failed on the footsteps of the stone that our country stands on...Freedom. We have failed. We have all failed. There are still homeowners/tenants in the South that use the word "nigger" as if it was as common as the word soap. As much as I would like to stay neutral and in the "safe-zone" on this post I'm going to follow the tugging of my heart and stand tall for Trayvon Martin. I am not going to sugarcoat that there is not racism within all groups of people be that White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American and others but that is not my focus here. A 17 year-old Black teenager has been murdered because he was wearing a hoodie and fit the "profile", of what his civilian killer associated with a criminal. We will not sweep this one under the rug. We will not let 6-months go by and retreat back into our homes. This killing was a wake-up call.

I believe God sacrificed Trayvon for several reasons mainly to wake us up and to spare many. Our sons may have a chance because of the inexplicable tragedy the Martin family just had to endure. Lack of justice in a Florida Law Enforcement Agency brings to light failure. Unity is a word that we can embrace as individuals and we can love one another in God's image. That's an image that bypasses color or creed. As we seek justice and answers we look to the Government, which backs the United States Constitution built on "By the People For the People. We are not looking for an intervention that will take years. We are looking for an intervention to happen speedily. The People say we need justice now. We are looking to cash in on the Civil Rights our ancestors fought so hard to see us experience.

Here are the stone cold facts. George Zimmerman, discriminated against Trayvon Martin the minute he spotted him and determined that he didn't "belong" in the neighborhood that he was watching. This was a direct violation of Trayvon's Civil Rights. George Zimmerman, treated Trayvon Martin unfairly before he ever killed him which once again was a violation of his Civil Rights. Self-Defense should not be something a person in this country can claim when they go looking for a confrontation with a person that has given no reasonable cause. Self-Defense should never be considered a possibility when a child ends up dead at the hands of an adult man. Gun toting for civilians that haven't passed extensive psychological examinations should be prohibited. Social injustice makes me cringe and I have said that on many occasions here. If my country doesn't take action quickly I will begin to wonder what justice means? I will eventually have to teach my young son what justice will mean for him. If justice stands for "just behavior" then 36 days ago George Zimmerman would have been settling into his new jail cell where he would remain for at minimum the next 25 years of his life.

~My deepest sympathy, condolences and prayers to Trayvon Martin's family & friends. I see nothing more than a very handsome young man that had the right to live a full and safe life. You will have all of our support in making sure that George Zimmerman does not slip through the infringement we sometimes see in our law system.

To those of you still living in a Black and White America I pray these events are enough to snap you out of your own blissful ignorance. Color splashes throughout America and we are a Beautiful nation because of it. We have so much to offer as creative, talented, beautiful butterflies of God. Put racism to rest by beginning with yourself and then spreading the message to your friends. It is not ok to judge anyone by their race, creed, ethnicity etc. It's not ok to call people names. It's not ok to follow anyone because you "think" they may be up to something and especially when you're justifying your thought process based on a person's skin color or their age. We are the World & that should be the only thing you take to bed with you at night. Sweet thoughts of the positive contributions that you can make to the world you live in.

God Bless You All!

Much Luv

The Alpha-Female

2012-03-19T17:40:00.012-07:00

Hello, I am the Alpha-Female. I am strong-willed, overly confident at times, difficult to please, I love extra hard with a dedication that often can't be matched and my ambition and natural curiosity for life & my life even more specifically is undying. I don't back down easily and I'm not always comfortable wearing a dress. I'm a "wear the pants" type of girl which can serve me well in some areas and destroy me in others at the very same time. I'm a Lion in every sense of the word. I move with a slow stride and with a high head. I am a natural-born leader and I have a difficult time putting myself before others. My will is to change the world that I live in even if it's in the smallest of ways. I own a room almost instantly after walking into it because this is my nature. My Alpha-Female spirit makes it easy for me to be single yet can make it difficult for me to be in a relationship which really sucks. I am sarcastic and witty and my tact isn't always warmly welcomed by the opposite sex. Living in this generation of "sex vs love" a lot of potential or would-be potential suitors are left eating dust when they try to divide and conquer this lion-heart. I have the spirit of a man with the heart of the most gentle of women. I tolerate no arguments in Love because Love is the one thing in this world that I believe is just simple. When I see disturbance in Love I walk away and I don't look back. Love enters where there is calm not where there is chaos.

In this new "sex generation", I see less marriage and more broken hearts. I see couples making excuses for the once popular monogamous relationship and I see these relationships being replaced with open relationships. The blasphemy of open relationships saddens me. The generation of "No Church in the Wild", we move further and further from the peace we search for while we look for pleasure in sex. Sex with no strings attached and sex accepted by a partner as long as both parties agree. The temple of our souls are sacrificed for 8-minutes of sweaty pleasure or non-pleasure depending on the partner. What are we coming to as a world and why are there still double standards in 2012? The Alpha-Female knows no double standards. A woman is taught to Act Like A Lady yet to Think Like A Man but it's typically men that are left speechless when and if we decide to mock the gender. When we mock the gender all rules apply. When grown-ups make the foolish mistake of entering into a sexual relationship without any labels on their love they leave the ball court wide open. In these cases, typically one person is more connected to the lust than the other party and what happens next is a disastrously painful break-up with a guy or a girl that was never your boyfriend or your girlfriend to begin with. Envisioning a future in someone you were only an option for is painful and this is why going forward I intend to write more blog posts surrounding abstinence and the importance of loving one's self first and finding what happy is for you. I'll leave the preaching for the Pastor's on Sunday but one thing I can promise you is that having meaningless sex that doesn't incorporate the emotion of Love will NOT get you any closer to finding inner peace or happiness. It can actually deter you from your course and move your heart further away from everything that it truly desires. Be wise in Love because when you lose it you don't get it back.

We're animalistic individuals by nature in some ways and that may never change. Our minds have the capability to exhibit enormous amounts of self-control where and when we allow it to. We have control over all the negative things in the world from sex to substances. We can either be aware or turn a blind eye and indulge in the forbidden fruit. It's safe to say that the Alpha-Female can have any man she wants and this is why more often than not out of 10 man there will be only 1 that barely strikes her interest. Her dominance can lure even the strongest of men, the will be intrigued with the challenge of dating her alone because she is never easily impressed no matter how kind the gesture. This type of female is different and a man will have to do very different things to get and to keep her attention. Men become easily obsessed with the different type of personality that this woman possesses. An Alpha-Female will never stay under the thumb of an overly obsessed man. As soon as she can break free she will and her eye will be keener at avoiding this type of man in the future. I'm an Alpha-Female, I will break hearts more than I have my own heart broken and this is the curse that I was born with. What type of female are you? Let's Talk About It...

Much Luv

Dear You

2012-03-10T07:32:00.008-08:00

*This will be my final goodbye to him. I will not revisit
this topic again. I won’t be bitter but instead I’ll find joy in my own humanness
& accept my imperfections as is. I
will push through the pain, erase my fear to move forward little by little, and
I will reflect on what I could have done better. I heard someone say, “Don’t chose the better
guy, chose the guy that makes you the better girl”. I had both in you; the better guy that made
me the better girl. He let go for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me and
all I can do is accept that the odds were never in my favor to begin with. This
will be my last letter…

Dear You:
I’m so emotional today.
The things that remind me of you are insane. It’s only been a week and
I’m still sick to my stomach. I still
find myself in tears when the chords of a certain song penetrate my soul. I thought our friendship and I repeat our
friendship was unbreakable until you said, “Our friendship has run its
course”. That hurt beyond any words that
I can express with my own vocabulary. I
feel like you sold me out & I’m certain that you feel like I did the same
to us. It hurt so much because I didn’t know that we were in this state I felt
completely in the dark. The morning of
our final words I had so much joy in my heart and a confidence that it would be
you till the end. I’m convinced I pissed
the devil off to get what was to come next. I felt like we were getting close again and in
an instant you broke my glass and it shattered into a million tiny pieces on
the floor. Prince was the one that said
it best in the “Beautiful Ones” (they always smash the picture). You’re so confident in everything you do from
the decisions you make for your life to the food you decide to eat for dinner
or breakfast that I knew there wouldn’t be much of a fight. I didn’t go against the decision you made for
us both. I loved you like a lie. I never
had enough substance in our Love to believe that you would stay. As you said it
wasn’t up for discussion and that’s when I crawled into a fetal position and I
cried silently to God. You gave me all
the blame & didn’t say one way or another why it was all on me. I’ll admit I swam in dirty water but you
pushed me in. I often wonder if your
heart ever takes a moment to think of how sweet our love making was. Our kisses were sweet and our hearts were
young whenever we spent time together.
Our eyes were innocent, and that always spoke truth to me. *sighs*…

Now I think of when the day will come that I will see you
again? You know my imagination has a way of stretching so far. Maybe we’ll run into each other in an aisle
at Silver Star or in the greeting card aisle at Rite Aid. Maybe our eyes will lock & you’ll see the
tears well-up in my eyes and you’ll remember that I was your biggest fan. I never thought you would leave me alone in
this world no matter where in the world you were. The seas could never separate us because we
always looked for one another. I never
thought it was possible that the day would come when you would no longer be
here. The more I know the less I understand about this and that hurts me too.
The Goodbye was so wrong, so blunt on so many levels yet I don’t know what you
were told or how it made you feel? I
don’t know if I was guilty or if it was just rumorville doing what it does
best? These are the things that only God knows. God Bless the people that spread unconfirmed
rumors. These are the things that hurt
me the most. This is the part where I tuck my tail in between my legs and bow
out gracefully. I’m so hurt because I thought you saw right into the depths of
my soul and I thought you knew that I could’ve been everything that you
needed. I thought Citrus & Bizzy
were special. I wanted to love you in the gentlest way that I knew how. I wanted God to be the only vessel to guide
our love. I wanted you to cook me pasta dishes when I got home from work. My
love tank was empty and the imbalance of our love left me trying so hard to get
you to fill it. I tried with small
gestures to show you how much I cared but it never seemed to be enough. You
were always looking for something else (someone else). You were always second guessing my truth and
eventually I gave you a reason to. I can
be an asshole; Leo’s can be very good at being assholes. I can’t imagine what would make you turn your
back on me? At times, I get angry and I realize that we both took this for
granted. God gave us the floor and we blew it! I used to have visions of our
wedding ceremony; a pretty little destination wedding with our feet in the
water while we recited our vows to one another. Your mother smiling in a way
that made us aware that we fully had her blessing. In the blink of an eye, that dream has
somewhat become a nightmare. I feel so stupid.

I let you into my heart and I knew better. I put my heart in such a giddy school girl
position and I knew better than to do that too.
As your friend I knew you were looking for love and I knew not
necessarily in me. I don’t remember
exactly when we switched it up. I think t
was exactly this time last year but I was glad that we did. You were far from the Tylenol sellers that I
was used to but our spirits always seemed to match. Now as I’m forced to help my heart heal and
as I put my ducks back in a row I still can’t help but think how much I still
love you. I let you down but you let me
down too. I feel empty but please don’t
ever look back. Eventually, I’ll do
something corny like print this letter, roll it up, stick it in a bottle and
throw it in the Bay. I thought you cared
about us more than this. I wish you
well.

Love Always,

Me

Much Luv,

Blessed to Still Be

2012-03-07T08:39:00.005-08:00

So it's been a really, really long time folks and I hope that none of you felt completely abandoned by me. When the Relationship Expert falls in Love the advice offering crumbles quickly!!!
The Love Bug bit me so hard!; harder than Cupid could have ever shot me with an
arrow. I watched relationships crumbling around me and it was as if my
relationship advice button was blocked. I could only watch and think of what
advice I would offer but my mouth was muted. I couldn't see or hear much of
anything other than the hopes of my own wedding bells. My head was way up in
the clouds and my heart was softer than it's ever been. Why this sucked for me
& my readers? It was almost as if I couldn't communicate with you. I would a start a blog & attempt to share, but then I felt like I wanted to keep our Love so private. Sweet Songs of Love
in my ear kept the ultimate pep in my step. I had a new attitude that this
egotistical/stubborn Leo refused to shake. If I closed my eyes tight enough I
could envision our wedding and minor details of our future together. As a woman
that's passionate about the things that I do I wanted to step my game-up!
Ladies, ladies, ladies, oh how he matched my swag I tell you I couldn’t have
handpicked a more perfect match. I wanted to be sure that everything he needed
was right there in me. There's no guidebook to falling in Love or with whom and
how it will happen. It's often a bittersweet experience that one has to fully
participate in even knowing that the odds will often be against you. *Sighs*,
(but still smiling as always). Matters of the Heart don't always come with ease.
As much as a person can love, a person can also give way to fear and doubt at
the very same time. Questions often arise like, "What if I'm not good
enough?", "How will he get along with my kids?", or "What
if we don't make it?". The danger-zone begins when fear takes precedence
over the innocence of the Love. What made my most recent attempt fail? I'm sure
he would attribute additional factors but for me I'd have to say women need
commitment. Women don't want to have to "guess" and/or "assume"
our position/place in a man's life and when a man is serious he won't make you.
We don't want or feel that we have to be a "Plan B". We want to be
the one and only and that's when that infamous guard of ours is let down and we
begin to believe in the fairytale ending that we all deserve.

In my case, his eyes told me each and every time I saw him how much he cared. At the same time his eyes told a story of a man that doubted the woman in front of him immensely
(with good reason I must add). A man that constantly had to question if this
was the right woman for him to be with. I have a past that runs deep and I
offer an honesty that can often times be too blunt in deliverance.
Nevertheless, his doubt was difficult for me and in turn it made my love jaded.
I questioned myself and eventually I had to prove to myself that I didn't
deserve him when all the while I knew we both equally deserved each other. Oh
my, I would have gladly been a fool for this man over and over again :-). No
one could deny the happiness or the Love I felt in my heart for him. The only
thing absent was the commitment we needed to move forward. A young girl feeling
of wanting to check the box marked, "Yes, I'll be your girlfriend"
always entered my thoughts. Ha ha, the complications of adult love & the
lack of faith we have in others that comes the coldness of the world we've been
exposed to. We look for people to be frauds when there are still just some
really good souls in the world. *Sighs*, oh how I wanted to give that man everything
I had inside of myself and oh how he brought out the sunniest side of my
spirit. Hearts of Love can fool the tricks of time and they are the hearts that
make it. In retrospect, the more captured I became in his spirit the more I
ignored that there were no labels on our love. No flower deliveries, no boxes
of chocolate, just the spirit of a good man that refused to offer any
commitment to a woman that he didn't fully believe in. The demons of temptation
don't give way to hearts consumed in Love. They're right there to remind uneasy
hearts that they have no place in friendship *sighs*. The hurt I caused will
always haunt me. The hurt he caused will always leave a scar that needs staples
at the moment fuck stitches. All is fair in Love & War and my failed
attempt at Love brings me back to you.

I feel blessed to still be here. To still have this God-Given ability to put pen to paper and to
speak to anyone in the world that's listening. I witnessed so much destruction
in relationships this Winter and I can't wait for the Re-Birth of Spring.
Beautiful Loving Spring is right around the corner and this relationship
columnist is glad to be back!!! Thanks to Mike Karnbach
for saying I "think" I'm an advice columnist, now I'll prove to the
world that I am. As I approach the mark of my 35th
year I am feeling much closer to knowing what I want in and out of Love. I want
most of all a Loving & Peaceful man that truly believes in me. A man that
understands that to err is human & one who knows that my loyalty is to our
team. We've all had enough experiences in life in general to know what we want
and don't want here. We know what we want to be remembered for and what we
don't want to be known as. God delivers us from temptation through prayer and
for all of you that are currently in relationships you truly have my blessing.
I know the damage and the hurt that words can cause and I understand how hard
you have to work everyday to keep your Love on top. Keep pushing because the
reward is knowing that there is a person in the world that has your best
interest at heart and will be there at the drop of a dime. For those of you
just getting into a relationship or planning to get into one soon always be
sure that the efforts of your Love are balanced by your partner. Resentment
lingers anytime one person is more in than the other. Always keep in mind that
the Power of Love can exceed any expectations you or anyone else has ever had
and it can truly endure anything that doesn't constitute blatant acts of
deception or intentional hurt. Walk into Spring feeling renewed in your Love.
Give makeovers anywhere you see that they are needed. Splash color on your Love
this Spring & don't look back on any prior bickering. If you've decided
that your Love has the ability to stand the test of time than remember that
it's only important to move forward. New Love should make you feel colorful.
Your Lover should have the ability to bring the greatest qualities of you out.
Through their support and acceptance of who you are you should move through the
season knowing that you have encountered a great catch!!!

I wish you all Love, Peace, & Blessings. As I move closer to my connection with the Creator I
will be here to offer the best advice I know & to answer all of your
questions on my short-lived Love :-) I Love you all.

P.S. for my chickie Debbie Jones (wear the damn dress every now and then)!

R.I.P Citrus & Bizzy

Much Luv,

When the Sun Sets

2011-10-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks I've been looking death directly in the face. It's sort of been in the air. I've watched families mourn, children lose their parents, mother's lose their children and needless to say it's been sad. Death leaves an eerie feeling on the souls that are still living because we begin to truly conceptualize that our lives replicate that of an hour glass. No one wants to forget that the present is a gift and as hard as one tries to remain peaceful in nature, kiss the kids before they walk out the door, and spread love at all times, in all actuality we're only human. As humans we carry the weight of the world and that's a heavy burden to bear. I constantly have to remind myself the importance of living in the now. Especially, when I find myself outlining a plan for two or three years down the line. I might not be afforded that much more time here. This idea of "Living everyday like it's your last", is pretty easy to understand yet it's often difficult to execute because who really wants to die? I don't want to die. Does that mean I want to live forever? Not exactly, I'd actually settle for old age :-). I believe in the "Bucket List", and I think that all of us should be clear not only on what we want from this life experience but also what we would like to do before we make our grand exit. My writing will remain in the world when I'm gone and for those that know me and even for those that don't a sense of who I was will always remain on these pages. My writing has enabled me to leave my imprint in the world that I enjoyed living in immensely. I'm extremely satisfied with that. It brings me great peace. Traveling to Europe would be at the top of my bucket list for a few reasons. One has to travel the world to really grasp the journey and even more so to appreciate it. To have the full experience of life one has to leave their comfort zone and submerge in different culture. The world looks different to us all.

Knowing that life is a blessing makes it easy for us to appreciate family and friends in the same light. Knowing that each day is a precious gift should motivate us to shape our lives and push harder toward our goals. The idea of putting things off until tomorrow should be removed from our thought process. Life is inevitably what we make it and we grow up learning this to a certain extent but never in its entirety. Girls grow up looking forward to fairytale weddings, while Boys grow up wanting to be an All-Star. The message that often isn't clear is how important it is to just Live and Love. Living will have a different meaning for each individual person. What living is to me most certainly won't be what living is to you. The common ground is doing everything you want to do here in an unstoppable manner. The cycle is, "When you fall, you get up", and the key to that cycle is learning to get up quickly. When it comes to a broken heart the quickest way to heal is to let go of the person who broke it quickly. The world circulates at a pace that doesn't give us too much time to lay dormant. The quicker we let go of things that cause us pain, the quicker we free ourselves and get back to our true nature. Any negativity we harbor generates itself as more negativity in our lives. When we lose a loved one along the way we often have to push harder toward attaining what we want because it becomes that much clearer that we are working on a limited timeline. We have to push through the pain of grief quickly by allowing ourselves a brief period to mourn. We can never get stuck in the mourning process because in return it would kill us. We have to bask in the memories of the person that has passed, and we have to be mindful that the sun will set for us one day as well.

Here is my advice. Live your life in a loving fashion that circulates and promotes laughter and peace in return. Never stop giving thanks when you wake up to see another day because it honestly didn't have to come. Always believe in the world that you live in even when it gets cold (even more when it gets cold). Try your very best never to hold grudges (people don't always make this easy). Always keep in mind that they are human and that are entitled to feel however they feel about you. Let them go today and wish anyone that has wronged you Love & Light and hopefully they will wish you the same in return if you have wronged them. When we allow people to hurt us continuously, we let them know that they are more important to us than we are to ourselves. Love the people that love you back and try your best never to take them for granted. Because they will always be in your corner and they will always be first up at bat for you. I Love you all and I'd like to share this story with you...

At 7:13 a.m. on September 30, 2011 I texted a friend that will never have the opportunity to text me back. What I was unaware of at the time that I sent the text was that he was shot and killed around 11:30 p.m. on September 29, 2011. He was 30 years-old at the time of death and he leaves behind two beautiful daughters, plus family & friends that will miss him dearly. I saw him 4 days before he was killed. We talked, we hugged and he said, "B, I got mad love for you". His spirit was filled with love every single time that I saw him. He never let it show when he was down on his luck. He just continued to spread love with the people in his life right up until the very end. Why did he go so early? I'll never be able to answer that question.

~In Loving Memory of Donald Rose~

Much Luv

Still Living My Dreams

2011-06-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

So as the 1st anniversary of The B.C. Chronicles is vastly approaching (6/7/2011), I'm feeling so immensely blessed to report that I'm still living my dreams. Who knew when I started this project nearly a year ago that this is where I would be today? The plan that was never really too much of a plan or overly thought out took off running. I often take time to reflect and re-evaluate where I'm at today, and where I see myself in the next 3-5 years or so. What's most important to me going forward is that I continue to work hard at becoming a published author, which is a goal that I now fully understand is completely attainable. Writing a book is so important to me at this point in my life, and I have spent the last few months examining how I intend on executing that plan. By the grace of God the linkage that I have encountered this past year has been incredible. I have been blessed to dip my hand in writing an urban fiction novel with Jason Lanzar Rivera and my passion for writing has deepened immensely as a result. The world of fiction writing is colorfully intense because that platform allows me to paint the picture as I see it not necessarily as it happened, and the storyline can go as far as I can take it. Another place this journey has taken me is to Internet radio and I'm most definitely looking forward to delving further into this realm. Jermaine Smith A.K.A. Mr. Jay Everyday (Everyday Radio) has offered an opportunity that I am beyond grateful for. Mass communication in general wasn't something that particularly interested me in college but because journalism always was I can see a correlation. Writing for SwagHer Magazine one of my latest endeavors has been another outlet that I have enjoyed deeply. I get write about relationships and I get to speak to an audience that isn't all that familiar with BC. Ahhhhhhhhh, it's the feeling one has when everything feels so real.

I'm in a great place and I can feel it, touch it, and I can almost taste that there is more to come. What if I hadn't done it? What if I had ignored the visions that were so clear in my mind a year ago? What if I hadn't decided to step out and act on faith to pursue my passion? God blesses each one of us with individual talents and gifts that are unique and wrapped in his spirit. I thank God for this day and for the fact that I was able to connect with mine. God wants all of our dreams to come true and because we live in a world that makes all things possible I want each one of you to know that you can have it all. DEDICATION is a word that is way too under used in our culture. It's a word that eliminates quitting and failure at the door. It's a word that is related to perseverance, and it isn't related to failure in the least. Marriage seems somewhere close within my reach, and as my career expands I pray to God that I will walk in my marriage with grace. I desire to have a graceful marriage one that's built on love, yet submerged in self-control and honesty. In the meantime I acknowledge my flaws, and I am trying to work on them accordingly. Love, peace, happiness, health and success are all gifts that God wants us to have. The journey ends eventually and having someone to share the time with only makes sense. God is more merciful than any of us will ever be able to comprehend. When our hearts are weak and ready to throw in the towel God throws the towel back. Endearing...

I need each and every one of you to believe in yourself with fire. A fire that burns bright and runs deep. A fire that is fierce, and can't be easily put out with water. A fire that still burns even after its been extinguished. I was born into the fire sign (Leo), and that means I stay fully charged at all times. My dedication along with my determination to live a full life will always keep me ten steps ahead of the game. I don't stop because I know I can't. I don't let others dictate what is right or wrong for me. I live in a world filled with abundance and that means there is enough room for me and for every other dreamer that opts to catch their dreams the way I do. We are the generation of the Dreamcatchers and that was part of the reason Cashay Chanel, (Co-Host of Dreamcatcher Radio) and I chose that name for our radio show. The Dreamcatchers don't spend any of their time with the Dreamkillers because the consequences could cost us a dream. Dreams are precious visions from God that offer us a sneak peak into what potential our futures hold. Our dreams are our wishes. The birth of another project after starting my blog just makes me giddy, and I realize that anything is possible for BC. In this short period of time I've met people I used to only admire from a far like Egypt Sherrod, Radio Personality 107.5 NY (above middle), and Demetria Lucas, Relationship Editor for Essence Magazine. A year ago I couldn't even see anything like that happening. If you find yourself sitting here reading this and you've been pondering over an idea or a project I say, "Go for it!" The world needs you, and you need not deprive the world. You are a master at manifesting your own destiny and I encourage you highly to go for it! If no one around you gets it but you feel strongly about it, "Go for it!", and push hard. I recently designed a t-shirt for The B.C. Chronicles and for a split second I thought to myself, "Why am I doing this?" I quickly dismissed that thought because I knew sooner than later it would all make sense. Writing my blog, talking on Internet radio, attending relationship panels, working on a book, designing t-shirts, interviewing inspiring guests are all things I didn't see in my future a year ago. 10 people will read this post and only 1 person will need the message. This is how the power of God works through each of us.

I wish you all continued success and the ability to persevere in all of your endeavors. The world is yours when you take a step forward toward what you want. God's intention for you is to be happy and to live in peace with love embracing you as a light. When you start something follow through and be patient with it. Like any flower in a garden if you water your dreams I promise you that they will grow. Peace, Love & Blessings to you all!

Much Luv

Frequency

2011-06-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

"I try to leave the messages here that have served me best throughout my journey." "Life is a revolving door, but that door doesn't revolve around you". ~BC~

Change the frequency whenever you can, stay postive...

I was talking to my Loki baby yesterday. She's the one I call whenever I'm really struggling with an issue because her support is undying. Judgment never comes into play within the walls of our friendship so as we discussed the issue at hand she shared something that someone in her life recently told her. The person expressed a negative vibe that they get from her when situations arise. She then said to me, "Loki we tend to have a negative view on situations we encounter." I was quiet for a minute and before responding I thought to myself, "Damn, she just hit the nail on the head!" Often times we support each other so much as friends that we get caught up in the pity party together and where we need to find balance in being positive we can often support each other in the negative. I finally responded and I said, "Loki you're absolutely right". I realized in a split second that I wallow in the negative when I feel like giving up. The one time I need to be the most positive is typically when I'm the most negative and guess what the end result always is? Because we discuss the law of attraction here all the time you already know what the end result is. My Loki baby isn't much of a philosopher, but she went on to say, "Loki we bring on the negative shortcomings in our life", and she couldn't have been more correct. I quickly decided that I needed to immediately change the frequency of how I was feeling yesterday. There was way more positive occurrences happening in my day than negative so I needed to focus on that. I returned from my writer's retreat had a new post on The B.C. Chronicles and was feeling positive as a whole to let something out of my control hurt me or make me feel physically sick. I needed to stop personalizing and even more I needed to let go of that energy quickly. What I realized as the day continue was a wakeup call I've been needing for some time now.

I am a DRAMA QUEEN with a capital "DQ". I am an emotionally reactive person that is learning with age to think before acting but at times I still impulsively speak before giving adequate thought to what I'm saying. I let the lioness roar and then I feel terrible once I calm down and I'm ready to retreat to the den. The problem with this is...The people I already have in my life have learned over time to ACCEPT my behavior. They may not exactly like the way I act yet they have accepted or come to understand me and they love me as is. As we incorporate new friends, lovers, business partners etc...into our lives they DO NOT have to accept our ways and/or our behaviors. They will take a step back when they encounter us at our worst, and they will then have to decide if they are willing, and/or able to incorporate us into their inner circle. All my daters I need you to listen closely to this one. No matter how old you are please don't think for a single second that going into a new relationship you will be able to bring all of your set ways with you. The only way a new relationship will be built concretely is if it's built on compromise. If you recognize behaviors within yourself that you need to work on then you need to be fair in letting your new significant other know. That person, then has the OPTION to choose if they want to accept you into their life. They can either decide that they are willing to meet you where you're at, and maybe help you work on your issues, or they can decide that what you bring to the table just simply won't work for them. The beauty in their decision is that although it may sting a little it belongs to them and you can't help them come to their conclusion. What I learned is that my "DQ" ways (mannerisms) don't serve me well at all, and I need to consciously work at changing them. While being a "DQ" or in full "DQ" mode I tend to personalize everything and I often hurt some of the people closet to me without that ever being my intention. When someone tells me something like, "I need time" or "I need a minute" depending on the circumstances I often only hear that the person needs a break from me because I've done something to them. Personalizing everything causes unnecessary stress, drama, sadness etc., and it's so unwarranted because typically it isn't personal. I constantly have to do a wooooosah and remind myself that I'm not living in the world according to BC. Easiest way I reach this is by letting go and letting God. Peace & Blessings to you all.

Read this rendition of the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, and let me know what you think...

God Grant Me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Much Luv

Afraid To Win

2011-05-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

My most avid readers know that I've been gone for some time now. A writer's retreat? Possibly, but more of an intimate recap with myself. I've taken the "BC" puzzle completely apart and slowly I'm putting it back together again. An evaluation right before my one year blog writing anniversary. The vacation hasn't stopped me from writing but it has halted me from publishing. I have created blog posts over the past two months, yet for respect of my own privacy (my own diary) I have withheld from publishing to protect some of the things that have become most dear to my heart. I've turned over every stone of my past and what I have come to realize is that I have been immensely blessed & touched by the spirit of God throughout the course of my journey. God has chosen me to do great things with my life. He has ordered my steps accordingly and I have been afraid to take them. It's not easy for me to admit and/or always recognize my fears but in this case I recognize them fully. Less than a year ago I started this chronicle journey; A journey that I stepped out on faith to begin and one that would consist of my most intimate thoughts and experiences being public information to share and help others while providing therapy and release for myself.

I have been places within the last year that I could have never foreseen. The birth of a successful radio show (Dreamcatcher Radio with the amazing Cashay Chanel), new friends, business partners and continued support from those that never left. A diamond in the rough that wants desperately just to shine. My own worst critic, and I have now come to realize that I will need more structure and perseverance than I have ever needed before in order to move forward. Afraid of attaining everything that I want with a contradicting desire to have it all. Who knew it would all take off so quickly? Who knew that God would say, "The worse is over, now it's time to take your place and to live your life". How does one enjoy the sunshine when one is so conditioned to the rain? That's where I've been folks. I've been taking the puzzle apart and I've been realizing that I'm deathly afraid of being the best. I'm so used to things not working in my favor that when they do I quickly panic. I panic to the point of palpitations and I quickly sabotage the things that God has made simple for me. *sighing & taking a long deep breath* I often blow it when I don't have to. As I try desperately to live in the Now while always trying to peek ahead and take a look at my future I realize that it's time for change. What future? No one says that my future has to come. Do I know what I want for my future if it does come? Maybe, but maybe I should spend more time just living for today. I realized just yesterday that so many of my friends have died. They had to think at some point that they would live forever, but nevertheless they're gone and they're not coming back. God's mercy on my life has been unbelievable. That means that I'm obligated to make the most out of everyday without complaining. The length of my hair, the amount of cellulite in my legs, the stretch marks on my belly that beautifully bear the signs of the children I have bore are all things that will no longer exist when I leave this world. I will never look like Halle Berry and I'm finally okay with that (*smiling*). The time one spends complaining really limits how much they make of their life. It's important to re-evaluate yourself whenever you reach a crossroad that causes confusion. Love can't enter the heart when the heart is unhappy. In a split second someone in the world is overjoyed while someone else is feeling the destruction of sorrow and pain. I often find myself somewhere in the middle and very unrightfully so. How could I have so much and at times see so little? I took a trip outside of the U.S. last week. What I learned is that my country is filled with an abundance of wealth and that has helped me to reorganize my entire thought process.

I checked my Divatude away when I landed in the Dominican Republic. I wanted to fully submerse myself in the culture without being glued to my resort. The Gallo's (Roosters) were up calling at 5 a.m. every morning, and I was up and ready to start my day! I expected a little poverty and despair so I was prepared to share whatever I could. What I didn't expect was what I actually saw. On my drive into town I saw cows, and horses that looked more anorexic than a Hollywood celeb. Bones showing on an animal that wasn't sick was something I've never witnessed before in my life and I deeply took it all in. The nipples of a dog that hang down to the ground was also something I was unfamiliar with. I asked why the dogs had their nipples so low and so swollen and it was explained to me that dogs breed every three-months in DR. Something we control in the U.S. from happening. Devastation was the only word that continued to enter my mind and I silently prayed for my blessings and for my children. A strong desire to help and to touch followed me throughout the course of my day and I felt a holiness that I've never been quite so aware of. Washing my hands in a bucket, or using a toilet without a seat or tissue paper to wipe became habitual by the end of my day. I was treated with more respect and smiles than I encounter when I'm home and I hugged and smiled with people as if I knew them for a lifetime. A man named Francis graciously took me around and I told him several times throughout the day that his spirit could be compared to gold (solid & rich). When one wears the name of a Saint I think it's important to try hard to live up to example previously laid. Francis arranged a meal for my friends and I later in the evening, and I was so gracious for the invitation. Eating outside in DR meant that flies are welcomed guests at the dinner. You would be surprised how unwelcomed a fly is here in the States yet how accepted a fly is in a third world country. My trip outside of the country reconnected me with the importance of truly being humble, something I lose sight of unintentionally from time to time. None of us are better than anyone else as we are all part of humanity on the same quest for peace. Where one person is doing well, another is doing not so well and as a race we have to be sympathetic in our understanding. Some of us are just happier with what we have then others and for those of us that aren't we need to learn to be. Life is a beautiful experience in its simplicity. Live, Laugh and continue Loving as these are the things that we were placed in this world to do.

As my journey continues, so will The B.C. Chronicles. Thank you for reading xoxo.

Much Luv

What Inspires Me to Write

2011-03-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

I can sum this post up in just one word right now. What inspires me to write is you! I thank each and every one of you that take the time to spend your time here at The B.C. Chronicles. Because I have such a deep spirit you know that I'm going to elaborate a little further and give you a real inside look as to why it is that I do what I do here on this writing platform. I heal here. When the world starts to stress me out I have an inner desire to talk back to it. The world can be cold and cruel at times but my outlet is my connection to it. My connection to the stars that line the sky. My connection to the clouds that hug the sun. This writing thing keeps me grounded in a world that attempts to kick my ass each and every single day. My writing starts way before I'm blessed enough to plant my feet on my bedroom floor each morning. Writing lingers in my soul whether I'm in or out of consciousness. Writing comes to me when I'm driving in my car, cooking a meal in my kitchen, or even when I'm in the shower bathing away the stress of my day. Once a topic crosses my mind I'm excited and driven to release it on paper quickly.

The God that dwells in me never allows me to keep what I plan to write to myself. I'm nudged feverishly over and over again until I turn my laptop on and spill the visions into a Word document. The visions haunt me in the sweetest of ways. They're not mine to keep and I'm obligated to let them go. Once I release them I feel whole again as if letting them go actually made me whole rather than having left me null and void. My cup overflows until the next story comes to mind. I find peace in writing & when I share it with you I feel satisfied.

Writing is my salvation. It's where I go to get back to what makes me happy. It's where my happiness is. Where I go to get back to the tiny piece of God in me. It's where I mediatate, rest my head and I drown out all of the sounds screaming at me from the world. It's where I tell depression to go back home and it's where anxiety cannot sustain life. It's my outlet and it's the best way I know how to express myself and I mean that so literally. What comes out of my mouth and what goes down on paper is a completely different level of eloquence. Writing is where I speak to you. I connect with the oneness that all of us are in search of. When I get closer to you, I get closer to it. Blogging has allowed me to graduate from my Journal although every now and then I still go back to it for the comfort that it has always offered. My refuge is in my writing and I am so thankful at how I am able to bask in it. My livelihood is in my writing and when I read comments from my readers the God in me is completely still. I hear his satifaction through the stillness and the peace that comes with that is tranquil.

Thank you for allowing me to write my way into your lives. You are helping me to grow in Love.

Much Luv

No One on the Corner has SwagHer Like Us...

2011-03-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

So back in January 2011, I joined the SwagHer Magazine Family and I have been on a high road ever since. Francheska Felder who goes by "Fancy" is the owner of Redbone Enterprises, LLC which is the media business that publishes SwagHer Magazine. She has been a God send and I appreciate her scouting me out and blessing me with the opportunity to take my writing to another platform. All of the writers for the mag have been so welcoming and we have indeed become the SwagHer Fam. Alisha Matthews, Marieca LaShawn, Arlene Culpepper, Javon Ayo and Alsie Dunbar just to name a few have been there to receive me with open arms. The writing talents of the magazine's writers is astronomical. I have felt at home since the journey has begun and I encourage you to check us out at http://www.swagher.net/ I wanted to share a little preview of an article I wrote for the SwagHer March issue, which can be found in the magazine's relationship section.

Be Lucky In Love
By: Barbara A. Crooks

So as we enter the third month of the year (the lucky month); I realize that I’ve spent an enormous amount of time focusing on what I don’t want in love versus what I actually do want. I know unequivocally that I want nothing more than to be in a healthy and loving relationship with a partner that shares not only my motivation, but my sentiments surrounding this life. The motivation of our world circulates & moves in love, and during the past two months I’ve been attracting all the types of love that I would never want for my life. Finally, it dawned on me that the only one to blame for cupid’s misdirected arrow hits is me. My thoughts that are revolving around what I don’t want have sent a signal out into the universe, which has reciprocated and in return I’m meeting every Joe Shmoe that I don’t want or need in my life. Wow!!! Who knew that my thoughts could be that powerful? I’ve always been deeply connected in my spirituality, yet I never really fully conceptualized that my thoughts of what I don’t want would bring exactly that back to me by personal design. I’ve been a firm believer throughout that as long as my thoughts aren’t negative than everything in my life should align accordingly, yet in all honesty that just hasn’t been the case. Potential dates, or suitors that I don’t have anything even remotely in common with have started arriving with flowers, candy and teddy bears and although these kind gestures have all been well-received and sweet in nature they are from men that I could never ever see myself being with. So does this mean that I’m losing oxygen to my brain and leading men on that I don’t want in my life? Well in some ways it does lol, but it’s mostly just a shift in conscious thinking on my behalf that needs to occur immediately.

To read more of this article please go to http://www.swagher.net/

Much Luv