photo by andystenz.com

Jessica and I celebrated our 12th anniversary yesterday. It has been a wonderful journey of joining our lives and living them out together, and I couldn’t be a happier man.

Yesterday we went on a date to to see the new Avengers: Age of Ultron movie and to an antique mall to do a little shopping. In both of those we found one of the secrets to a long and loving marriage.

So what do those two have in common?

A reminder of the power of touch.

Even if you’ve never seen one of the Avengers movies, I’m sure you’ve seen the Incredible Hulk sometime in your life. An over-sized raged filled beast who can throw cars and tantrums longer than any baby I’ve ever met.

In the newest movie, Black Widow has the ability to help the Hulk turn back to the normal and mild Bruce Banner with a “lullaby.” She gets in close, says, “Hey, big guy,” takes off her glove and reaches out her hand to him. As he reaches back and touches her skin, he loses all the anger and rage that cause him to be the Hulk and returns to normal.

All through the power of touch.

What does that have to do with an antique mall?

Well, as we looked at jewelry in the case we struck up a conversation with the lady running the store. We mentioned it was our 12th anniversary, and she said she and her husband were going on 39 years.

The secret she said: touch.

I’ll put it in her words for a second:

My husband actually wasn’t much of a toucher at first. But now if I walk by without touching him, he calls me back and says, “Hey!” [she then shook her shoulder in the air, imitating him asking for the touch from her]

We’re talking about sex, right?

Sorry, no. While sex is an important aspect of a healthy marriage, we’re talking about the little touches throughout the day.

To most of the guys now (although this could go for either person in the couple): if you don’t find ways to touch her throughout the day – and I’m not talking about grabbing her butt! – you’ll find that she isn’t into sex as much as she doesn’t feel connected to you; and she needs that first.

We’re talking about not coming into a room or leaving it without making contact at least once. We’re talking about reaching out when you’re watching TV and just stroking her hair slowly. When you’re driving, reaching over to run your hand up and down his leg.

Alberto Gallace (of the University of Milan-Bicocca) and Charles Spence (Oxford University) did a review of the studies done on interpersonal touch (2010) and found that not only does touch release oxytocin (which helps create lasting relationship bonds), it does something amazing that even the Hulk needs.

If you’ve been touched by your loved one BEFORE stress happens, you have a lower blood pressure AND your heart rate increases, giving you the ability to better handle stress when it does come up.

The real world application:

So, you’ve spent the week gently touching each other here and there (outside of having sex!) and now you get in an argument. Not only are you more connected through a stronger relationship bond, you’re better able to handle the stress. Translation: you’re both more able to work through the argument in a healthy way.

Healthy touch = healthy arguments = healthy relationships.

Our challenge to couples: spend the week trying to find a few moments of loving touch throughout the day. I learned from the model of my Aunt Kay + Uncle Dave that you never leave home without saying “I love you.” I put this in the same camp; never leave home without a kind touch in the morning.

At night, take a bit of attention away from the TV and put it to stroking your lover’s hair.

I like to think of it as any times our paths cross, we reach out and touch each other. It’s a physical reminder of our lives – we’re not always together but we share a connection that lasts long past our coming and going. It even works as we criss-cross around the aisles of the antique mall.

Do this a day at a time and you might wake up 12 (or 39) years later next to your beloved wondering where the time has gone and ready for some antique shopping.

The spring bloom and photography is one thing that makes our hearts sing. So, from our heart to yours, here are some free desktop and iPhone wallpapers. Just click/tap the image to link to the larger version and save that to use on your computer or your phone.

iPhone backgrounds
Tap the image to enlarge it and hold-click to save it to your camera roll. If you’ve never set your wallpaper before, check out this nice tutorial here.

Computer Backgrounds
Stare at your computer most of your day and want something a little more spring-y to look at? Here you go!

]]> http://thebeautyandbrevity.com/spring-beauty-for-your-tech-devices/2015/05/feed 0 http://thebeautyandbrevity.com/8-things-about-life-i-relearned-this-week/2015/04 http://thebeautyandbrevity.com/8-things-about-life-i-relearned-this-week/2015/04#respond Thu, 30 Apr 2015 15:42:59 +0000 http://thebeautyandbrevity.com/?p=199

photo by lance anderson

The internet and the world have been abuzz about a variety of hot topics this week. I have learned (re-learned really) a few things:

People get scared.

And when people are scared, when cornered by change or struggles, they can bite back. Sometimes with angry words. Sometimes with rocks. But they are scared people who need to feel understood and loved, not feel hatred shoved back at them.

I’m like them.

I’ve felt that feeling before too. When I feel cornered like that I want to feel heard and loved. I need to remember to listen and be patient.

History and law are complicated.

They involve many players I’ve never heard of. Many events I’ve never witnessed. And people seem very quick to forget the impact of that history on a culture, a region, a religion — on tradition itself.

The logic of civil law doesn’t line up with my logic in the same way that I think they might.

And I when I get ready to say the would “should” there I’m already losing the battle of understanding.

We reap what we sow.

When we don’t invest in people as valuable to part of our culture there will be pain. Often that pain is felt by a minority. Sometimes that pain hits everyone. Either way, it’s painful and needs to be address holistically and not swept under the rug. The hidden dirt will eventually spill out and make the house quite messy.

News isn’t news

It’s often one-sided and really bad storytelling. It doesn’t exist for information, it exists now for persuasion. It’s important to take in many different sources before making up my mind. And it’s very important to read it from various perspectives: outsiders, insiders, minorities, majorities.

Sometimes I just need to sit with it because I can’t change it

It’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good. But sometimes I just need to let it wash over me so I don’t try to change it or fix it when it’s not my place to. But I can’t hide from it.

Sometimes I need to speak up or act

But when I do, I want to do it as a peacemaker; as a bridge builder. The world doesn’t need another terrorist (trying to kill ideas by words or action). It needs people willing to enter into the hard times with an open mind and listening ear.

It needs people who want to be intentionally about their life, the lives of others around them, and generations to come they won’t even see.

What have you been reminded of about life recently?
Leave it in the comments below or tweet me @andystenz

photo by joshua earle

You’ve probably heard this question before:

If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self something, what would it be?

It’s a great question and fun to think about.

But I’m intersted in why it’s a good question. I think it is because our present is our past’s future.

That’s not just a clever play on words. It’s an important part of our goal on The Beauty and Brevity. It’s a realization that intentional living leads to a certain future, and unintentional living leads to another. It’s up to you in which path you’d like to be on. We want to encourage the intentional path.

One of my favorite episodes of How I Met Your Mother is “Time Travelers.” It comes a few episodes before the end of season 8 and the introduction of the mother. It’s pivotal and touching episode; and, as a Billy Joel fan, has the best ever rendition of “The Longest Time.”

In the episode, Barney is trying to convince Ted to go out to see Robots vs Wrestlers that night. To convince him, 20 years from now Barney shows up and talks about how legendary it is. He’s joined by 20 years from now Ted saying the same thing. But just as they get up they are stopped by 20 hours from now Ted who is royally hungover and doesn’t want Ted to go. It’s a really fun play on getting a chance to ask our future selves what decision we should make.

And sure, we don’t actually get the chance to meet the real life us, in a sense. But since the future us is just us after we make (or don’t make) a few more decisions, it is helpful to think about. Maybe it’s about time we sat down with our past and future selves and have a little conversation.

Because our present is our past’s future, we sometimes want to go back to our younger self and strangle them (or pat them on the back) for something they did or didn’t do. When you take a moment to think about it, what things do you wish you would have started 5 years or 10 years ago? Saving for retirement? Losing that extra weight? Yet here you are today, maybe not having started those things (or just now starting them but being behind the ball).

I’ll give you an example from my own life. My past self liked to eat a lot of sugar and bread products. My past self spent a lot of time being inactive and eating a lot (so inactive some days that I would bring the toaster out into the living room to make cinnamon-sugar bread… with the whole loaf!) Present me, being past me’s future self, is now dealing with health issues and body image issues that could have been avoided.

We aren’t reflecting on this stuff to just start a pity party. It’s an important step in being honest with ourselves, and assessing our present self as we look forward to our future.

Because if we can look back, we can also look forward.

It’s one thing to ask yourself, “where do I want to be in 5 years?” It’s another to think about yourself AS your future self. The feelings that you feel about your past self currently, do you want to feel those again in 5 years? Maybe instead think about what it feels like to have lost that weight? Or what it feels like to be out of debt? Or to be able to travel the world in retirement? What about how would it feel to be in a healthier relationship than you are now? Can you imagine a lower stress level in your job?

We are to our past what are future will be to our present.

When we start imagining our future self in the same way we exist in our present self today, we are trying to find the motivation and desire to live in an intentional way to reach our goals.

Some people are naturally gifted in thinking this way. Jessica is great about seeing where she wants to be and working hard toward that goal. I’ve always been a little more lax in this area but have learned a lot over the last many years. This exercise helps me.

Realizing the truth that my future self is dependent on the actions I chose to make today helps me focus more on my goals (and less on that cinnamon-sugar bread).

Future Andy has a place he wants to be in – and strong feelings about being there; and unless I take the steps to start that journey today he will never get there. And I know he will be a much happier person if I do.

I would love to hear from you: leave a comment and tell me what your future self would like to feel or experience five years from now. Describe the life your future self will want to be living.

And keep your eyes open; soon we’ll be releasing a free course helping to break down the steps of moving forward in living a more intentional life. If you haven’t already, sign up for the newsletter at the top of bottom of this page.

photo by andystenz.com

A pediatric doctor in Michigan didn’t show up to an appointment for a new child because the parents are a same-sex couple. You can read the full story from the local news channel here.

The doctor stated, “After much prayer following your prenatal [appointment], I felt that I would not be able to develop the personal patient-doctor relationships that I normally do with my patients.”

Let’s think about that for a moment: a doctor, who is to care for the child, is uncomfortable with the child having two female parents because she won’t be able to have a personal patient-doctor relationship with them. I get that she will be working with the parents (they are the ones who can talk after all…) But why can’t she work with them?

She doesn’t think she can because they are different. In one main way. Not every way.

They are all women. They all care about kids. They all have hair, have a job, eat, poop, laugh, exercise, have dreams, friends, desires, metabolic processes, nicknames, inside jokes, beds, histories, hands, beating hearts.

But in one way they are different. And that’s scary to the doctor. It might be to you too.

Legally, she’s in the right in Michigan and can state that she doesn’t want to treat them. There is no protection for the couple. And there is a rule, according to the AMA to deny treatment to certain patients.

She’s inferring it’s about her faith (when she talks about praying about it) but I don’t believe the heart of the matter is about her faith.

If this was a matter of faith, this doctor would be uncomfortable with anyone who is greedy, who is angry, who is bitter. But I bet she treats those patients. In fact, her faith story talks a lot about breaking down the boundaries of the other, of the alien.

This is where it impacts all of us and where we can learn from this.

We fear what we don’t understand. But we are all the same.

We don’t like the “other” because they are sooooooo very different from us. They might talk differently, dress differently, eat food we don’t eat. But they aren’t different, we are all the same.

Some of us like wine, some beer. Some candy, some fruits. Some guys, some girls.

She’s afraid. I’m guessing she doesn’t have people in her life who are in the LGBT community. And if they are in her life, I have a feeling she doesn’t know it (or know them well).

The same goes for many of us when we think about people of different cultures or religions. They might scare us. Why? Because we don’t understand them. We don’t understand why they bow this way, or say this thing, or eat that.

We are all the same, my friends. The people living on the other side of the world and the people living next door. We are all the same species, the same flesh and blood. And we need to, for the sake of each other and the world, find ways to branch out and get to know the “other” otherwise we will continue to compartmentalize, to hate, to bring battles or wars (in courts or on killing fields).

I feel so bad for this doctor. She passed up an opportunity to grow and become a better person for it. I don’t wish her ill – I really want people to get to know her and understand her so we can learn from her (and hopefully she can learn from her mistakes). Because we all make mistakes. Because we are all the same after all.

So what can we do about this in our own life?

Locally, Jessica and I have had the opportunity to sit down with people of many different faiths to learn about them and their culture. I’m not looking to be part of another faith, I’m just looking to understand it. To build bridges between their lives and ours.

There is a local Hindu temple that serves lunch each week and, to be honest, I’ve been putting off a visit there on Sunday. I need to get there, I need to get to know my neighbors and share life over some food.

Breaking bread together – sharing food – the best way to get to know people.

Also travel has been a big way I’ve grown in this area.

I’ve been thankful to travel to many parts of the worlds and experience different cultures, different foods, different levels of poverty and excess. There’s nothing like seeing the excess that is Vegas and then going and spending time in rural and poor Guatemala and using a pit toilet for a week (which is where I met the women pictured above – probably the most hospitality that’s ever been shown to me, but more on that later).

The more I’ve traveled, the more comfortable I’ve felt with the “other” because we are all the same.

There are multiple options for cross-cultural experiences, many of them being volunteer experiences. I highly suggest you take up the opportunity when you can. Or even if you end up at some all-inclusive somewhere, try to find a way to be taken off the resort property to get to meet the locals, be in their houses, and share life for a bit.

You can also think about who is different from you at work, at school, on your block? Maybe someone who grew up on the “other side of the tracks” or maybe someone who comes from a different culture or subculture. Go ask them a question today, “I’d love to get to know more about you, can we grab a bite to eat sometime and chat?”

Why is this important? Because the world is full of beautiful things and people. Those willing to learn, to stretch, to get past fear, and to explore are going to experience so much more of that beauty.

Because when fear and hatred take root because of those unwilling to learn and grow and only see people as “other” this world becomes less beautiful as war and disconnection rule. I don’t want to live in that world. And because you’re like me, I’m guessing you don’t want to either.

Photo derivative of one by Mark Ou licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Most people would agree: if you don’t buy a ticket you can’t win the lottery.

We have all have heard that you’re more likely to be struck by lightning, become president of the USA, or die in an asteroid apocalypse than you are at actually winning the lottery. ^(source)

But millions of people play weekly anyway because they know this truth: you can’t win if you don’t play.

(There’s a variety of things going on with lotteries and our brains and I’ll return to those ideas in another post later. For now the only thing we need to focus on is you can’t win if you don’t play.)

Do you want to lose weight? Are you doing anything about it?

Do you want that promotion? Are you doing anything about it?

Do you want that trip to (insert lovely place here)? Are you doing anything about it?

Do you want a better relationship (insert name here)? Are you doing anything about it?

(Maybe you want one of those things above and you’ve been working hard for years at it. This post isn’t aimed at you; there will be some for you later.)

All of us, myself included, can have a desire to be in the game (whether that game is related to work, travel, health, relationships, etc). We might really WANT something but if we aren’t actually DOING anything about it we have worse odds than playing the lottery of it actually happening.

Often, the only time life happens to us it’s a bad thing; accidents, health issues, being laid off. Those things can happen to anyone at any time. You don’t need a lottery ticket for those – it’s just part of life. So sitting back doesn’t provide many options for good things to happen to us.

You can’t win if you don’t play.

Yet there are some days/weeks/months/years we don’t even bother trying to get to the gas station to buy that lottery ticket. We don’t even want to get off the couch let alone get into our car. We just don’t play the game.

Here’s the thing…

I realized life isn’t just happening to me; I’m participating in it. I’m actively trying to cultivate more of what I want, what I care about, what I enjoy. And trying to focus less on what takes away from the beauty around me; some of which is internal, some external.

I’ve made the choice to get off the couch and into my car because I realized in order to have any chance at “winning” at life I have to be in the game. (“Winning/Success”, what is it and how do we define it — yup, more on that later…)

Here’s what I’m looking for from you today; I’d love for you to comment below and let us know:

What’s a desire you have for your life? What are you looking to accomplish? What do you want more of in your life?

What’s keeping you out of the game? Why are you not working toward one of your goals?

Just let us know if this resonates with you at all. Are you stuck on the couch but want to be in the game?

photo by andy stenz

I (Andy) have been a way for a few weeks now; out in Hawai’i to be specific. I’ve been exploring, writing, and photographing the beauty of the islands.

And many times I’ve heard “I want to be you for the day!” or “I want your life!”

What is someone saying when they type this?

Sure, it’s often tongue-in-cheek. Yet we all have done this with someone at some point. It’s one reason there are celebrities.

I recently heard about a photographer who was invited onto the boat of a major rap artist to document a week long trip. The photographer was asked what they wanted to eat and asked for a menu to pick from. No, they were told, they could ask for anything. Anything they could possibly want would be on the yacht.

Do you want to live that life? Which one? The photographer? The rap artist with seemingly unlimited resources?

Why?

When we say “I want your life”, what do we really want?

Money? Why? Because we are not financially secure right now? Because of greed? Because of wanting to provide for a family?

More travel? Why? Because we love the open road or new cultures? Because we are afraid to do it ourselves but really have a desire to go?

What about relationships or careers or skills – do we find that we’d rather be over there in THAT life, not our own? Why?

“Why?” is a very important question to ask.

They why leads to the what. And the what… oh, there’s a lot of exciting things there (we’ll get there…)

Here’s the thing, you really don’t want my life. I don’t want you to have my life – it’s mine! What I truly desire for you is to have your own life filled with adventure; filled to the brim with beauty of what this world has to offer. And I think you might have a desire for that too…

That’s what we aim to do with this site; to invite you on the adventure of a lifetime. Your.Life.Time.

When you are intentional about seeking it you will stop desiring to be the other person and fully become who you are. And that is a really exciting world to us.

Your journey that will take you to amazing places that only you can get to; loving your spouse and being there for them the way no one else can, raising your kids and seeing their first this and that, traveling to the ends of the earth and meeting people of various cultures. I don’t know “the what” for your life but I know that when you find it, only you will be able to do it.

Why?

Ah, the why question again. Well, I hate to break it to you but you have an expiration date. You, yes you, will die.

At the risk of sounding trite, it’s so very important to remember. Each day, each minute you have – those are your life. Fail to be intentional about it and you’ll miss the boat. Be intentional and you might find yourself in Hawai’i for five weeks. Or raising three beautiful children. Or at the top of your game in your career.

Our job is to help you get there. That’s part of our life.

We want to help you find the WHY and the WHAT of your life so you can get onto living it.

So, here is the invitation…

Join us on this incredible adventure we call life. Because it is indeed short and yet offers so much. Together let’s seek out all of the beauty and find ways to add to it.

Jessica and I don’t have it all figured out. That’s not why we are here.

We are here because we’ve made a lot of mistakes, we’ve let a lot of our lives pass us by without paying attention. And we are determined to claim the time we have left. Whether it’s 5 or 50 years. And because we don’t know we want to always prepared to make the most of it.

Life isn’t always perfect either, we aren’t promising that. So don’t hear this as some scheme to a perfect house, job, kids, marriage, etc. Nope – it’s going to take work. But it will be the most important work of your life. Because that’s exactly what it is. And boy, it is rewarding.

How do you join us? Start by signing up for our newsletter back on the top of this page.

You can also read a little about us, and read the document that got a lot of this started in our life.

There is so much more to come. We would love to have you join us.