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It's time Hollywood kissed Google's ass.
Posted:Thu, 28 Apr 2016 00:00:00 -0600
It's time Hollywood kissed Google's ass Isn't it about time Hollywood got on its knees, puckered up and gave Google a big slobbery one right on its cinnamon knot? For all the constant bitching we hear from production companies and studios about piracy, no other company is doing as much to protect copyrights as Google. Companies like Viacom constantly mine the Internet for viral videos they can use for cheap content, while simultaneously filing billion dollar lawsuits.1 When people post their content on YouTube, they file takedown requests and shut down YouTube channels. But when they do it for millions of dollars, it's okay:
Here's some Internet content that CBS, a Viacom subsidiary, has no problem profiting from2 What's ironic is that Hollywood has its head so far up its glittery, self-congratulatory asshole that it doesn't even realize that YouTube is the only company still keeping their archaic business model alive. If YouTube ever went away, what would come next might be way less accommodating to US copyright holders: A couple years ago during a live broadcast on a local news program on Denver's KDVR, the news crew accidentally aired a picture of a penis while live on the air: 
In case you were wondering, this is what the KDVR news crew looks like right after seeing a penis The clip sounded hilarious so I immediately went to YouTube to look for it, but every time someone uploaded the video, it was immediately taken down due to a copyright claim or strike against the channel...Continue reading... -
Special orders are for special assholes.
Posted:Fri, 01 Apr 2016 00:00:00 -0600
Special orders are for special assholes I hate picky eaters. Nothing is worse to a server short of not tipping and genocide, than a picky eater. That's exactly how I'd rate them in terms of travesties: genocide, not tipping, being a picky eater. It's like a shortcut you can take to ruin dinner. And no, that's not hyperbole, your meal will be quite literally ruined even if you're not the one being picky because of all the anxiety your choosy dinner companion has. You can't have a normal dinner conversation with picky eaters because they're constantly wringing their hands, worried that the server may have included some ingredient that they might find slightly unpalatable...Continue reading... -
BuzzebelMico9POST: 2 words every straight white male needs to read (April Fool's '16)
Posted:Fri, 18 Mar 2016 00:00:00 -0600
News Videos Books Store Twitter Classic Email 
You won't believe which famous actress with a perfect body posed topless to shame body-shamers! Hint: she has millions of adoring fans, millions of dollars, a pretty face and a BMI of 18. So brave. Wow! 
3 straight white males won Oscars. Unfair!..Continue reading... -
The irrational hatred of cyclists.
Posted:Thu, 25 Feb 2016 00:00:00 -0700
The logic of hating cyclists Back when I first started riding bikes when I was 1 or 2 years old, I didn't realize how many crybaby car-blowhards were on the road. A car blowhard is someone who feels entitled to driving everywhere, complains about traffic while contributing to traffic and honks at cyclists when he or she stops texting long enough to notice one. This video summarizes people's irrational hatred of cyclists: These crybaby idiots are incorrigible. And before you pigeon-hole me as some kind of granola bicycling activist, here's an important fact for you to consider: I don't give a shit about the environment. I don't ride my bike because I have delusions about saving the Earth. I'm not doing it to reduce my carbon footprint or to reduce our dependence on foreign oil or any of the other stupid hippy reasons people usually cite to guilt people into riding bikes...Continue reading... -
Maddox vs Crickets: who wins? The answer won't shock you.
Posted:Fri, 12 Feb 2016 00:00:00 -0700
Maddox vs Crickets: who wins?The answer won't shock you. Did you know that crickets are stupid assholes? That's a fact. I actually looked it up in an encyclopedia one time and it said that verbatim, "stupid asshole." My apartment got infested with crickets a few weeks ago, and the noise drove me to the brink of insanity. I've been trying to finish my manuscript, and all I can think about is this annoying son of a bitch chirping happily away...Continue reading... -
How to tell if you believe in bullshit.
Posted:Thu, 07 Jan 2016 00:00:00 -0700
How to tell if you believe in bullshit. Life is about trying to distinguish yourself from rocks and dirt. The less we are like rocks and dirt, the better we are for it. Society thinks less of people who are lazy, uneducated and unproductive. Rocks and dirt are all of those things: lazy minerals that get pissed on, shat in and stepped over. In short, they don't matter...Continue reading... -
How Disney ruined The Little Mermaid.
Posted:Thu, 24 Dec 2015 00:00:00 -0700
How Disney ruined The Little Mermaid Disney's version of The Little Mermaid is actually based on a badass story where the mermaid dies at the end. There are also wolves getting their shit ruined with arrows, nipples and a bunch of idiots drowning in the original. Disney sterilized all of this to make their version as commercial and mass-appeal as possible. The original story may be ruined forever: Disney's retelling of "The Little Mermaid" is intellectual junk-food. All of the important lessons taught in the original have been replaced with dumb hedonism and crass self-interest. The only message it teaches kids is that it's okay to be an entitled shit-head...Continue reading... -
Shitty inventions that everybody loves.
Posted:Fri, 20 Nov 2015 00:00:00 -0700
Shitty inventions that everybody loves. Everyone's an idiot except for me. This is a truth about life that I realized a long time ago, and have dealt with the burden of being a genius amongst dim-witted plebeians for a long time. I feel like the protagonist in an old-school RPG who's walking around a village where everyone is bumbling about selling herbs and knick-knacks, while I'm doing all the awesome shit like slaying dragons and writing articles for my website. When I was 16-years-old, I tried to patent some technology that was essentially the same technology used in the Nintendo Wii (true story). Due to lack of funds to file the patent, I moved on to a lowly undergraduate education at Shit-Brick University...Continue reading... -
Penn & Teller: My take on their bullshit.
Posted:Mon, 26 Oct 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Penn & Teller: My take on their bullshit I was on an episode of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! several years ago, and have received an email almost every week from someone asking me to write about my experience:
Date: Oct 12 From: Ryan B Subject: You on TV Penn and teller featured you on their show bullshit. Please write about it. I was asked to be on one of their final episodes of their final season. I think the show got canceled because they didn't have anywhere to go but down after having me on. It's not every day you get to interview a living legend like me...Continue reading... -
Things I'm tired of seeing in horror movies.
Posted:Sun, 18 Oct 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Things I'm tired of seeing in horror movies Holy shit, when will Hollywood stop putting kids and all their bullshit in horror movies? I've never met a kid I couldn't drop-kick through glass. I'm just not afraid of anyone who hasn't hit puberty. Did I miss a meeting where society got together and decided that kids were the gold standard of horror? Kids are constantly dying without adult supervision. You can't leave a kid alone in a parked car, the wilderness or even your neighborhood without it getting kidnapped or molested...Continue reading... -
Learn how to cook, moron.
Posted:Sun, 27 Sep 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Learn how to cook, morons. Nothing infuriates quite like people who brag about their inability to cook. It's not funny, it's pathetic. And anyone who says it in my presence is full of shit because they're clearly making my blood boil. There's nothing to cooking. Like I said in my math article (Math doesn't suck, you do1), it's the act of following instructions...Continue reading... -
Self-checkout lanes are garbage and so are the people who use them.
Posted:Fri, 11 Sep 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Self-checkout lanes are garbage and so are the people who use them. Self-checkout lanes are for idiots. When these technological abominations started appearing in grocery stores, I thought they were a curious novelty and a harmless alternative to clerks who were working in traditional checkout lanes. I originally shunned them because when I shop for groceries, it's the last thing I do in the day and I'm usually exhausted, so I don't want to expend any mental energy thinking about sorting my items to make sure I don't crush my eggs, mix hot and cold food and to remember to put detergent, cleaning supplies and produce in different bags. I'm too important to think about anything other than problems on a global scale. I want to spend precisely zero minutes per day thinking about this minutia, but now thanks to self-checkout lanes, I have to because now stores are under-staffed, which means longer lines at traditional cashiers, or the alternative: using shitty, un-responsive touch screens while a condescending, pre-recorded message nags you about removing items that the machine mistakenly thinks haven't been scanned yet...Continue reading... -
Things I hate about modern gaming: stories.
Posted:Sat, 29 Aug 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Things I hate about modern gaming: stories Stories in video games blow. I don't play video games to read, I read to read. I already have books, and I don't want to read any of them in my games. It's relevant to say that I'm a published author who writes for a living, yet I still don't want to put books in the movies I watch, the music I listen to or the food I eat. Even when the dialogue in a game is performed by voice actors, I still don't want to hear it because: It usually sucks. I'd rather put my ball sack through a deli slicer...Continue reading... -
We are in the midst of a global cataclysmic Appocalypse.
Posted:Sat, 20 Jun 2015 00:00:00 -0600
No, I don't want to install your app. We are in the midst of a global cataclysmic deluge of shitty apps I've dubbed The Great Appocalypse. I'm tired of going to "mobile" versions of websites that constantly nag you to install more apps. Here's an example:
The high cost of free apps: Most of the companies asking you to install apps are doing so in addition to offering a mobile-web alternative. Think of the company's business model, and you'll realize why it's a shitty idea for most consumers: if companies didn't have a financial incentive to develop these apps, they wouldn't do it. Apps cost upwards of tens of millions of dollars to make and maintain...Continue reading... -
E3 2015: Some things sucked shit.
Posted:Fri, 22 May 2015 00:00:00 -0600
E3 2015: Some things sucked shit. Another E3 wrapped up and I did a kickass job of covering everything you need to see. Some of you might be saying, "but Maddox where's the new Destiny expansion pack DLC downloadable bullshit?" Read the previous sentence, shit puck. I covered everything that was worth seeing at E3 and went down there for two full days, fighting hordes of nerds to bring you this coverage. New this year: I encountered a hardass security guard who insisted on checking everyone's ID, even though enforcement of this rule was spotty...Continue reading... -
Mad Max: The only review you need to read for the only movie you need to watch.
Posted:Thu, 30 Apr 2015 00:00:00 -0600
Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes almost every other movie that came out before it look like a stupid, dumpy piece of shit that was a total waste of time. Mad Max: Fury Road is one such movie. If I was a director in Hollywood right now, I'd be committing suicide because the contest is over. You not only lost by not making this movie, you came in dead last with every other idiot director who decided to make any movie that wasn't this. Put a noose around your neck, drown your children in a river and write your suicide note because there's no point in trying anymore. Better yet, skip the note because I'll be too busy watching this movie to read it...Continue reading... -
Here's how every company in America can save 23% on wages.
Posted:Tue, 10 Mar 2015 00:00:00 -0600
How every company in Americacan save 23% on wages: Want to save 23% on your company's wage expenses? Think it's not possible? Here's one simple trick you can do to start saving today: That's right, just hire women. Women keep parroting the misleading statistic that they only make 77 cents to every dollar a man makes, so why don't more companies simply replace all—or the majority—of their workforce with women? Save 23%. Hire women...Continue reading... -
Dancing Man and the cult of well-intentioned idiots.
Posted:Thu, 04 Sep 2014 00:00:00 -0600
The Dancing Man and theCult of Well-Intentioned Idiots Recently a 4chan post purporting to be of a fat man being bullied started spreading on the Internet, and then the Internet mobilized to his rescue:
First, the Twitter campaign started: 
Which quickly snowballed into a campaign to not only identify this man, but to seek him out for a dance party with thousands of strangers, "all women," because apparently their gender matters. Nothing conveys your message sincerely like misspelling the word "sincerely:" #FindDancingMan Help us find this dude with the moves! Let's do this, ladies! pic.twitter.com/JvBIkpIxdi— TheElleWord (@TheElleWord) March 6, 2015 It's 4 am but i can't sleep until #FindDancingMan has become #founddancingman and we set a date to #dancefree pic.twitter.com/AhyEaLdDpT— Hope Leigh (@HOPELEIGHMUSIC) March 6, 2015 A GROUP OF THE MOST KIND HEARTED SOULS IN LA want to throw this man a HUGE BAD ASS PARTY IN LA #DONTBODYSHAME pic.twitter.com/mtxn1WdSJ6— Rachel Weinstein (@xorachelflies) March 5, 2015 Soon, even celebrities like Pharrell, Susan Sarandon and Moby joined in: Hey @CassandraRules keep me posted about your dance party! @Dancingmanfound, never be ashamed of yourself. You are both truly #OTHER..— Pharrell Williams (@Pharrell) March 6, 2015 Hey @Dancingmanfound, dancing is a basic human right & I applaud your spirit...Continue reading... -
Spider Woman's big ass is a big deal.
Posted:Wed, 20 Aug 2014 00:00:00 -0600
Spider-Woman's Big Ass is a Big Deal It used to be possible to go for a week or two on the Internet without being lectured by the Social Police. Now you'd be lucky to go a day without people tripping over themselves to be offended at something—anything.
You know the type. We all do. You'd rather have your teeth filed down to nubs than be cornered by one at a party. These preachy, bloviating, pharisaic shit-heads bristle at the thought of lecturing you on morality, usually with the help of a Tumblr post to enumerate all the things you're doing wrong and why you should feel like an asshole every waking second of your life...Continue reading... -
The ABC News saga and the screenshot that forced them to issue an apology.
Posted:Mon, 23 Jun 2014 00:00:00 -0600
ABC News keeping it classy: Upon hearing of Robin Williams' passing, I, much like everyone else, was scouring the Internet for news to see if it was a shitty hoax, or just shitty news. The latter turned out to be true, but in my search for information, I stumbled upon ABC News' website where they published a statement issued by the family asking the public for just one thing: "privacy as they grieve during this very difficult time." And literally on the same page as this published plea for privacy, ABC News had a giant red banner at the top of the page with a link to live aerial shots of Robin Williams' home. Brilliant. So I took a screenshot and drew attention to it:
The image seemed to resonate with people, so I decided to focus everyone's rage towards the president of ABC News to see if they'd call off the helicopters and footage: Everyone please take a moment to congratulate ABC News President, @jamesgoldston for doing a bang-up job. pic.twitter.com/JmoigmQZwX— Maddox (@maddoxrules) August 12, 2014 It worked: Update (ABC News issued an apology!): Shortly after I posted this screenshot, it got spread everywhere on the Internet...Continue reading... -
Things you're doing wrong every day: everything.
Posted:Mon, 05 May 2014 00:00:00 -0600
Things you're doing wrong every day: everything. The Internet is really good at making you feel like a dumbass. Just hop on a forum, play a game or ask anyone anything and people will be lining up to tell you what a moron you are, with me usually at the front of that line. Lately there has been a flood of stupid "life hack" videos and "how-to" articles tailored for weak-minded losers. These condescending "hacks" aim to enlighten us about a "new" way of doing a common thing, like eating an apple or drying our hands. The problem is that these tips often don't work, don't save time and are wholely unnecessary...Continue reading...
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