The Better Man

First world problems.

Chris — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 17:59:52 +0000

You know what I’m talking about. You can’t find the remote. Your hotel doesn’t have 24 hour room service. The flight attendant informs you they’re out of the tenderloin. The hipster with the goofy beard wearing selvedge jeans and a stupid Zissou cap standing ahead of you in line for Moonrise Kingdom won’t stop talking about Ryuichi Sakamoto. The young twerps at work make fun of you because you’ve never heard a Ke$ha song. You don’t have the time to take the family to Europe this year, so you’ll have to settle for a week at the cottage. Your new …

Death and the Munchkin

Chris — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 03:59:46 +0000

A few weeks back I was watching Seinfeld’s web series “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”. What happens is this: Seinfeld calls up a comedian friend to go for coffee, comedian friend says yes, and then Seinfeld goes to pick him up in a classic car. Seriously, that’s it – two middle-aged guys driving to a dingy cafe in a priceless automobile, only to bitch about their hyper-extended SI joint for ten minutes. It’s exactly the sort of lazy, indulgent joint that a guy who never has to work again (but is kinda bored) would do – which is not to …

The Upside to Imminent Death

Chris — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 02:59:54 +0000

Watching Netflix can sometimes feel like reading the horoscope: a lot of times I find myself wondering WTF I’m doing. I’m wading through piles of crap that doesn’t speak to me in any way at all, but just when I think I’m ready to give it up for good I come across something so perfect, so right for me in that moment it almost makes trudging through all the previous garbage seem worthwhile.

At least, that’s how I feel about this following clip. I found it quite by accident – I can’t even remember what I was looking for when …

A Man’s Gotta Know His Limitations

Chris — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 16:56:51 +0000

Of all the things I get queasy at the sight of – needles going into my veins, blood (especially my own), Sex & The City reruns – by far the thing that skeezes me out the most is one individual’s public embarrassment. When confronted with someone in the act of humiliating themselves, most people will say “Oh, I can’t watch”, but I Literally. Cannot. Watch. Every alcohol-induced act of obsession I witness on Bachelor Pad, every wedding I attend where the best man goes on a bit too long about how awesome the groom’s previous girlfriends were – I …

Father’s Day Note #1: An Open Letter To My Infant Daughter, Who Can’t Read

Chris — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 04:03:55 +0000

I had to work out of town for my first Father’s Day, but fortunately I was able to Face Time on my iPhone with Ava and her mom. I’m sure it’s embarrassing for others to watch me video chat. I’m like an Amish kid on Rumspringa: “you mean, I can actually see you…on my phone? What kind of crazy future-world do we live in, anyway?”

In my defense, this wasn’t the only epiphany I had while chatting with my girls. Having Skyped with friends and family before, I realize (with no offense to other family and friends intended) there …

Master of Disaster

Chris — Thu, 31 May 2012 19:23:06 +0000

A devoted reader of this blog sent me a note the other day. It’d been so long since I posted last, he’d started to wonder if I’d suffered an aneurysm or something. I was somewhat surprised by this, since…well, since until I received his note I thought I was the only devoted reader of this blog. What can I say? life as a father is pretty busy – plus I make my living writing, so writing just for this blog can feel like cranking out an overdue homework assignment. As Dad said “ once you sell it you never want …

REVEALED! An Awards Show Pries Out One Of My Deepest Secrets

Chris — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 01:47:56 +0000

I hate watching award shows, for the most irrational of reasons – I’m mad I wasn’t invited. Of course, even when I have been invited I didn’t really like going – they were a pointed reminder of how little I’ve accomplished in life. So it’s no surprise I’m not watching the Juno Awards on TV tonight (for the uninitiated, the Junos are the Canadian equivalent of the Grammys but with fewer grandiose performances, or the Brit Awards but with fewer fights).

That said, I am curious to know how it goes – William Shatner is hosting this year. Having someone …

A Belated Valentine For Baby Mama

Chris — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 05:54:04 +0000

I suppose it’s a sign of precisely how new a new father I am, but it’s absolutely thrilling to have Ava here, in the world. I know it’s a cliche even bigger than cops at donut shops, but seriously – every day brings a new miracle. You want to see real wonder? Watch an infant make a noise like a dolphin, realize she made it, then repeat it over and over. It kills me. I used to think the lighter I was, the farther I could travel. I think of that time alone – riding motorbikes, SCUBA-diving with sharks, jumping …

Less is More: A Birthday Lesson from The Thin White Duke

Chris — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:35:40 +0000

About 7 years ago, I went to see a reunion concert by the modestly successful post-punk band Gang of Four. My excitement couldn’t be understated – these English blokes were huge to me, albeit for completely self-aggrandizing reasons. As effete music snobs, my high school friends and I would try to distinguish ourselves from the rabble by the obscurity of the music we listened to. In Saskatchewan circa 1986, where everyone dressed like they’d stepped right out of Heavy Metal Parking Lot, it was hard to find a band more obscure than Gang of Four.

No doubt the Gang …

WHAT I’VE LEARNED: Opinions from a Man Whose Opinion You May Not Care About

Chris — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:10:25 +0000

By now I think we all know that celebrity interviews are complete horseshit. They exist mostly to help the celebrity promote their latest movie/tell-all memoir/Playboy spread/prison release. Illumination is not a part of the design.

Personally, I’ve been party to the most craven of celebrity interviews – the movie press junket. Studios will spend millions flying journalists in from Wichita or Reykjavik, put them up at a four-star hotel, and grant them a five-minute audience with the stars of the flick being promoted. In exchange for their largesse, the studios insist the discussion be limited to the movie, and that …