The Big Fuck

100 Posts and the End of the World

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Sat, 5 Jun 2010 05:47:00 -0500

Ah, life in the capital is, predictably, just great. Just recovered from a nasty bout of what the doctor called "acute bronchitis" then later changed to "acute gastroenteritis", which for us laypeople translates into - "your chest is fucked up" then "your intestines are fucked up". Both are very much less fucked up now, thanks. The doctor's recommendation was something like, "get some rest. otherwise, it won't be life threatening, but it will be ...bad." In response, I took maybe half a day to roll around in bed before hauling myself back to the office out of some misguided sense of duty, after which I was thoroughly unproductive, half because, well, I was sick and half because I was pretty much feeling sorry for myself for being so sick. Then I got a little better, and I started thinking, "what's the point of all of this anyway?"

Recently had a visit from an old friend who, to phrase it most unpoetically, is unemployed. The japanese might say he is NEET - not in employment, education or training. He seems to be having a smashing time, which my colleagues pragmatically attribute to the fact that he has means. Good for him, I think to myself - why not take time off to do nothing when you can afford it? I remember once upon a time I told myself I would work six months a week and then take the money and goof off the other six months of the year. I wonder how many years ago I told myself I'd do that; I may have inadvertently wasted half of my life in the years in between! All that time I could have invested in cultivating a healthy state of leisure!

Then again, perhaps all this is idle talk - there are always those moments when you ask yourself - why am I where I am now? Is this what I wanted? Am I doing what I wanted to do? Living how I wanted to live? Surrounded with the people I wanted to be surrounded by? These questions are as persistent as the question of what you will eat today, what you will do tonight, where you will go tomorrow, and probably about as meaningful. Maybe I just need a drink.

Oh right, for those of you who followed this blog (the blogspot one), this is a hundred posts. Since 2005. I GUESS THAT CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION RIGHT?

Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow.

Gor Nee Liao

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 3 Jun 2010 20:56:00 -0500

The last entry on this blog reads August 2005. TWO THOUSAND FIVE, ok. Between now and then, woman can get preggers and have almost seven babies (ok lah maybe six). Since then I have gotten a job, moved house (twice), gotten in and out of trouble, changed my blog because people said, "eh, cannot write blog with bad word in the title, later nobody will read what you write, etc etc etc" then I got my own domain and decorated it and wrote nonsense on that for a while until I got too busy and now here I am, blogging back on this blogspot, on this bigfuck blog which I almost forgot about. See the banner, see the links on the side, all cui already. Seh kor liao. But what to do? Gor nee liao mah. Cow can grow from small small one to big big one then kill and let everyone makan in gor nee. Even if kena retained one year, still can start from sec one and then go until you take 'O' levels lor (or at least 'N' level lah hor).

As always, don't get your hopes up that I am back or some nonsense like that. As Jay Chou say, cowboy v busy. But it feels good to be here.

Rambo Tan is Born

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 1 Aug 2005 02:35:00 -0500

Alright, I've officially moved house. From now on, I'll be posting at http://www.rambotan.com. If you guys would be so kind as to update your links, feeds and whatnot, I'd be much obliged.

I know, right now it still looks a little like a newly renovated toilet. It's sort of like an apartment with only one couch and a mattress on the floor, but hey, it'll do for now, I figure. I'm trying to get the feeds up and running and all, and that'll take a bit of doing, I'm sure, but I figure I'm up to it.

Like I said, though, anyone who wants to help would be muchly appreci-ma-cated.

Later folks.

A Filler Post.

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 03:00:00 -0500

I know this place has been quiet of late, but I've gotten a new domain registered and want to get it up and running before I let everyone in. Right now the new site is an ugly shade of greenish brown, and has ugly big fonts and no content, so I want to tidy up my shit before letting anyone in, if you catch my drift.

As soon as I get everything nice and sparkly though, I'll let you all know where the site is; hopefully that'll be by this weekend, but hey, I have to earn a living AND go out and get wasted from time to time, too, you know.

Thanks for bearing with me, y'all. You guys are the bestest.

Late, Late, Late!

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 23:20:00 -0500

So, for all intents and purposes, you can say that I sort of have a job for the next couple of days. As usual, I am evasive and vague about the nature of said job, because, in reality, I am a fucking bum. If someone wants to give me money to do shit, please, by all means, give me a call. As long as it's fairly good money for fairly little work, I'd be happy to oblige. What to do? I am, at heart, a bum.

Anyway, going to work every morning involves, well, the same routine that everyone else has to go through - waking up at a semi-decent hour, putting on semi-decent clothes (no more wearing shorts and singlet all day long, even though I may be a kopitiam ah-pek in training, I now have to model the latest in fish-monger fashion in my free time... KANINAHIA), maybe even combing my hair (ok, actually no need to comb, since I cleverly cut it all off...SNIP! SNIP! SNIP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).

Today, the second day of going to work, I rolled out of bed at 10 and realized, 'fuck, I'm late as all fuck.'

The second day of work, and I'm already late as fuck.

How the hell am I ever going to make a decent living?

Eh it's Saturday You Know

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 05:00:00 -0500

So, today I was chatting with Adrian, and we were comparing our geeky, geeky pasts - the number of message boards we've chatted on, the number of stupid-ass things we've done on the internet, the way we'd meet people of irc and whatnot, and I realized, man, this internet thing, it really sucks up your time. Blogging is kind of like hanging out on irc too long, except, for once, there are actually real people reading what I write, instead of saying, 'KNN SHUT UP PLS OR I WILL KICK AND BAN."

This, however, doesn't make it any better. There's a great sense of community on the internet, but that doesn't mean that it should take over the real world. I have to keep reminding myself of this, lest I end up like my first-year roommate, who was a mysterious french mack-daddy on the sims, but didn't do quite as well at frat parties.

I figure, therefore, that it's about time I got out and about on the town. Those of you who know me should give me a call. Don't spend your weekend in front of the internet - chatting on msn isn't really socializing, you know.

Peace.

Deleters are the Lowest Form of Scum

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 05:20:00 -0500

what type of fucker could have deleted such a pretty pink page?

So now the news is all over. Wendy's blog kena hacked. Most of the blogging community has already said that this is not cool, but then, the magnitude of the un-coolness of this act is so mind-numbingly huge that I just have to say it again.

I don't care if you hate people. I don't care if you think they're assholes. I don't care if you're mortally offended by what they write; there are better ways at getting to someone than deleting their blog entries.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wrote her life into a little book, then gave it to someone she was seeing. When things didn't work out, she wanted the life that she wrote back, but he'd thrown it away, so she decided that this time, she'd write her life on something she thought would last, something she thought nobody could throw away. Then one day some fucker decided to piss all over that just because he or she didn't like this girl. She might not be the nicest of girls all the time, and she might not be the most gracious, hell, she might even from time to time be a bit of a bitch, but that doesn't warrant someone trying to desecrate something so personal.

You have to imagine what this fucker was doing. He or she, after getting the password to this account, had to click on the posts one by one, click on the delete button, and then watch each post go down the drain. Three years of writing don't go down in a single click; there must have been a wealth of malice, spite, and relentlessness going into this. Whoever you are, I hope they catch you. I hope your nehnehs fall off and your eyeballs close and your cheeks bulge and your hair all drops off and your nose sinks in and hairs grow on it so you'll look like the arseface that you are. I hope people lock you up in a cage and point at you and laugh and throw pointy things at you, you fucking scum.

As for Wendy, I know you'll bounce back, because you're cool like that.

In other news, I'm thinking of setting up a new domain instead. However, I have great difficulty:

1) Finding a good hosting solution.
2) Figuring out whether wordpress or moveable type is better for this shit
3) Installing the bloody beast.

Any tech gurus who want to help me out will get beers on me. Seriously.

Big Fuck No More

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 23:41:00 -0500

Ok, I'm retiring this blog name as of, well, today or tomorrow, and I'm currently in the process of setting up a new site. Someone at bloggers.sg told me, 'you know, I really like your site because it lets me say "fuck" without blushing.'

Unfortunately, for every day I don't change my blog title, my mother will pull my ear and not give me pocket money. Maybe if she very du lan, she will make me sleep in the longkang. I like being the big fuck, but I like being a parasite better. Anyone want to sponsor me? Yeah, that's what I thought, you cheapos. Thus, I have to make my blog URL mommy friendly. No bloody choice. URL only, hor. The content will stay the same.

You know, you faithful fans, you can always call me the big fuck. Just not in public. Or in front of my family. Or that girl I am trying to hit on. I will kung-fu kick you in the head. All those other times, though, just between us, yeah - call me whatever you like.

So, anyway, I decided that the blog name has to be understandable by those ang mohs (since I got lots of ang moh friends who read my blog and will forget how to get to it if the URL is some hokkien swear word), and also has to be clean. Clean one only then can, hor! Donch suggest dunno what biglanchiao.blogspot.com or digyourcheebyehole.blogspot.com because my mudder will smack me. Furthermore, I think even those digital life bodos will be scareded after they anyhow go and write cheebye word in the paper. Next time newspapers won't have cheebye one, I confirm plus guarantee.

I've narrowed down the possible alternative blog names, and, in typical singaporean fashion, booked them all. Here are my favourites:

1) king of brog (http://kingofbrog.blogspot.com):

YOU THINK YOUR BROG VELLY POWDERFUL HAR? NAHBEHCHEEBYE LIM PEH SI KING OF BROG LEH! AI SIO PAH MAI?

Good title, hor? My holy holy bro likes this one best.

2) we have a winner (http://wehaveawinner.blogspot.com):

I am a winner. You are a winner. WE HAVE A WINNER!

3) orsome brog (http://orsome.blogspot.com)

You know har, whatever brog I have hor, is better than awesome. It is ORSOME. Dunno whether ang moh can unnerstand singlish word like 'orsome', but I think this name also quite powderful.

4) The Long Ruler (http://longruler.blogspot.com)

This one I donch know lah. Like very shy like that leh, to say I got long ruler. If I make this as my blog name, next time I must always carry a pencil box around already otherwise people ask me show them my long ruler I will be paiseh and blush until like crab like that.

5) HELLO MOMMY (http://hellomommy.blogspot.com)

This one my mother sure approve one. Also quite funny, leh, donch you think?

6) I heart God (http://iheartgod.blogspot.com)

I am a holy boy ok. Donch play play. I heart God, because God is cool.

OK tell me which one you all like the best - try not to suggest new names already, unless you can find the URL and chope it, and it meets the guidelines, hor. OK? Steady or not?

FANKS HOR!

Moving On...

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 23:13:00 -0500

scan courtesy of scanning master lancerlord

So, finally, the newspapers managed to put my stupid picture in the stupid papers. Am I supposed to jump up and down and shout hooray now? People have all been congratulating me, saying now I very the famous, saying wah, see, now they recognize you liao!

LANCHIAO!

Not that I want to be ungrateful or anything, but people put one tiny tiny picture only, then my URL also put so many starstarstar, how the fuck are people supposed to come find me? Most people I bet tried to surf to bigf***.blogspot.com, and really put in the starstarstar. I wanted to go register that domain, hor, but then, kanina blogger cannot put starstarstar one. Other people kena newspaper, their hit counter jump jump jump like underneath people put pogo stick like that, my one move like a kanina tortoise like that. Fuck.

Aiyah, no choice lah, no choice. It was nice of them to put my picture up regardless, I suppose. All this just confirms what I've been thinking for a while - it's time to move URL already. My mother and father have been telling me all week that they want me to change my blog address, and now that we're living under the same roof, I don't have much of a choice.

So, all you ladies and gents, anyone have any good suggestions? I need to move somewhere easy to find, yeah? Somewhere eye-catching, but all the same, it has to be uniquely me. Also, despite the fact that I swear swear here and there, at least the URL must be clean, ok?

I try a lot already, but all kena chope leh! Quick quick give me suggestions.

FANKS HOR!

Edit: ok, actuarry, hor, my hit counter IS jumping a bit. Looks like people know how to fill in starstarstar after all!

I'm Not a Geek; I'm a VERY POPULAR BLOGGER, OK!

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Sun, 17 Jul 2005 09:15:00 -0500

So yesterday was the big blogger meetup. It finally had to happen, and I obviously had to go. I mean, I've been reading blogs, chatting with bloggers online, talking about blogging and, naturally, blogging blogging blogging for the last couple of months, so it would have been totally crazy not to have gone, right? Furthermore, there were free drinks. Given that I am a card-carrying cheapo, I could not stay away. My oh-so-happening friends have been giving me ridiculous amounts of stick for being a blogger, so I didn't really advertise the fact that I was headed to the convention; instead I rolled in oh-so-fashionably late with evie and sandra, sneaked in to the back of the convention, and immediately began schmoozing.

There were a bunch of people talking in the front, but that wasn't what I was there for. I mean, while the sunday times was a little harsh, it wasn't exactly very the exciting. There was no juggling, the bloggers never tell jokes (even Kenny Sia never tell jokes leh! so boring, hor!), no chiobus showed us their nehnehs (until later in the VIP room lah), so it wasn't all that fun. Open mic was a bad idea, lah - everyone who comes and talks will surely be DAMN BORING, can? Interesting people where got so buay hiao bai go and walk to the front and talk cock? Take me, for example. I am damn interesting, ok. Just ask all those people who kept giggling when I was talking cock - I am a damn excellent public speaker, can? Either that or my fly was down the entire time and I didn't notice. Either way, the fact remains - I spoke, and people were entertained. WHY ORGANIZER NEBER ASK TO SPEAK HAR? I NOT FRAMOOSE ENOUGH MEH? HAR???? HARR??? I BELLY HURT LEH!

I would write more about what happened in the convention, but there have been tonnes of reports already. I like blinkymummy's and adrian's the best, mainly because they mention how cool I am (just so you know, I AM DAMN COOL OK! WHY NOBODY ELSE SAY HOW COOL I AM? I feel so slighted.)

The press was there, too, but, as most of you know, all they could say was how boring it was. Again, they interviewed the wrong person. I am awesome for sound bites. Furthermore, I am a semi-por-pu-lar blogger, am I not? People have told me, of course the press won't feature my blog, because of the naughty URL. I say, aiyah, use blanks lah! My friends reply; some people very stupid, cannot fill in blanks one. But you see, if you tell people to fill in blanks, they cannot be THAT stupid, right? Reporters, for example, could quote me as follows:

Joel Tan, who operates an oh-so-naughtily named blog at bigf__k.blogspot.com (must fill in blank hor), said "KNN CHAOCHEEBYE HOW COME NEWSPAPRER EBERY TIME NEBER INTERBIEW ME HAR? I NOT FRAMOOSE HAR?"

You see, events like this, essentially, are the only times bloggers like me get to feel special for being bloggers, I figure. When I'm not blogging, I'm busy getting flak for blogging from my friends, who tell me what a nerd I am. That's why I go to these places, where I can get plastered with other bloggers, where I can introduce myself as Joel, and have people say they like my blog, where I can be the biggest drinker there, where I can get into the VIP room and see nehnehs; that's what these things are there for, right?

After the event, I found my way to china black, where I could barely get to the front of the line by mingling with a bunch of random ah bengs; I'm good at mingling with ah bengs like that, you see. Anyway, I asked them if they read blogs and all, since I'd just come from the conference and was still thinking about blogs.

"Simi brog? Porno si boh?"

Ah well, at least for an afternoon, I got to feel sort of special.

I am a Frickin' Champion

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 23:18:00 -0500

Anyone who knows me knows that I lose things all the time; peoples' numbers, money, common sense - I'm known to misplace all this shit from time to time, mainly because I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes. Last night, though, I broke a personal record by managing to misplace my cell phone approximately 30 hours after I got it. Yes, that's right, if I've given you that number, you can stop calling it; even if it did ring, you wouldn't be calling me. Instead, you'd be calling either:

a) Some godforsaken drawer which, at the moment seemed a very clever place to put my phone, but for obvious reasons, turned out to be a not so clever place to lose my phone.

b) Some unknown cab driver, or some cab's back seat, or the handbag of some whore who fortuitously picked up my phone, and very graciously decided NOT to return it.

c) Mutant cats who ate my goddamn phone as I dropped it somewhere

d) A strange hybrid of all of the above.

Damn it, cell phones are like little fish, trying to escape from my pockets all the time. It doesn't help that I hate jeans. I always wear loose pants, which my devious phones wriggle out of. Also, I blame alcohol. It's a well known rule that cheap drinks contribute directly to losing cell phones. After spending most of the morning searching for it (I went through my phone operating SOP - called my phone, which was off, went through my pants, which smelled of smoke, but had no phone, tried to retrace my steps after coming home, most of which i couldn't remember), I have finally concluded that the stupid thing is lost.

Fucking cheebye. At this rate, I should start welding cell phones to my head.

Toronto Once More

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:04:00 -0500

The last couple days have been pretty hectic, but, like I said yesterday, I'm finally back in Singapore. Toronto was awesome - my friend and I explored the Toronto Islands south of the city, and ended up hitting the beaches. As we walked, we suddenly saw signs for a 'clothing optional beach', and decided we had to check it out - you know, research purposes and all. We walked down the beach, then we walked some more, then we walked some more, but there was no 'clothing optional beach' in sight. Eventually, about a thousand years later or something like that, we finally found the beach, and discovered it was filled with wrinkly old men. It was not a pretty sight.

Following this, we discovered the value of signs. This sign probably means 'danger, slippery'.

Man, that grass sure was slippery.

After this, we were very tired. Given that we are two Asians who were in a foreign city, we had to take pictures, right? We were super tired, though. Thus, we ended up taking lots of pictures of the sky. From benches. See, how artistic!

We took many, many pictures like this.

That's pretty much all we did in Toronto. I mean, there was other stuff, like walking, and eating, and seeing stuff, but hey, you can refer to my last post about Toronto if you want to know more about the city.

Before I sign off for the day, though, Jess pseudo-requested creepy pics. Seeing as to how she was not in Toronto and also gave me her address, I had to go take pictures of her house. Creeepy.

Yes, she lives in a restaurant. I suspect she's secretly asian.

Tomorrow I'll tell you all about Istanbul; as for today, I've realized I'm a lot more idle in this country. I brought a shitload of dirty laundry home, then I realized that I wouldn't have to wash it - we pay the maid to do that stuff. I went to Adam Road to eat Prawn Noodles, and was going to clear my tray, but then I realized that they pay the sanitation engineers to do that. To stop myself from going crazy, I decided I would cook dinner, so I'm off to do just that. Later, y'all.

Home, home, home

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 04:29:00 -0500

I'm writing this from Changi's free internet terminals.

I'm back, baby. At long last, I'm back.

Change of Plans

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Wed, 6 Jul 2005 12:18:00 -0500

So, seeing as to how there's a hurricane in New Orleans, I'm headed to Toronto. Again. Not that any of this matters, of course. Nonetheless, if anyone is going to be in the vicinity, give a call, yeah?

Sweet.

Road Trippin'

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Wed, 6 Jul 2005 02:04:00 -0500

So tomorrow, I set off for the south, specifically N'awlins. It'll be a long drive down, but given my awesome driving skills, I will probably be able to run over a couple pedestrians on the way down. Or perhaps drive into a truck. Considering how trashed I am now, anything is possible.

Seeing as to how my road trippin' buddy will be bringing his laptop, I may just be able to write an entry or two to check in from the road. I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, though.

Once again, I'll be back in the 'pore on the 12th.

Check you all later!

J.

The Incredible Disappearing Act

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 4 Jul 2005 02:08:00 -0500

So, in case you all are wondering, I haven't quit this yet. I'm just, well, in hibernation. I'm planning a grand trip of the south, and must not be disturbed from my preparations. Granted, this might include some binge drinking, perhaps a cigar here and there, and copious amounts of video game time, but hey, it's all in the name of progress, if you know what I mean. Naturally, by 'progress,' I don't really mean any sort of productivity.

I'll be back in Singapore somewhere around the 12th of July, and hope to blog my head off then. Until then, however, I'm going to focus on my full-time occupation, drinking. And driving. Though not in that order; I'm not crazy yet, you know.

Alright folks. Sorry for being such an errant blogger, but I have responsibilities to my last days of life away from my parents, you know.

Regards,
J.

When Household Appliances Rebel

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Tue, 28 Jun 2005 03:00:00 -0500

There are some days when the little things can really get to you. Today, one of those things is my box fan. I have a box fan sitting on the edge of my desk; I keep it blowing at me so that I don't melt. Unfortunately, due to some totally idiotic construction, when the fan is at full speed (which it is always on, to prevent me from turning into a slimy pile of mush), it has a tendency to move around. I didn't realize this until the fan had lept out of my bedroom window for the second time today; previously, I just thought it was a little depressed. Now that I know it's being belligerent, I'm tempted to beat it with a metal stick until it learns to be obedient.

I tried weighing the thing down with my desk lamp, stacks of cds, as well as potted plants, but the damn fan is just too strong for all of them. It totally has a mind of its own, and hurls itself out of my window every five minutes or so. Right now, I've put it on its lowest setting, and I can feel the sweat coming already.

I think I'm going to need an exorcist or something, because this fucking box fan is totally possessed by the devil.

Damn it, appliances in this house have to learn once and for all that I'm the boss.

Now where the fuck did I put my metal stick?

Today's Blog Babe: L X Y; now with gallery section as well, since I know there are some of you who don't exactly read these sites very carefully. Sort of like me; I mean, I used to read all these blog babe sites, but then, after a while, I realized that I'm really bad at reading.

This Entry Totally Blows

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 27 Jun 2005 05:28:00 -0500

I'm stuck in Chicago until the middle of July with nothing to do. This sucks. I was writing a long, in-depth post about exactly why I am stuck here, waiting for a plane, but then I realized that writing about your travel agent woes is kind of lame, especially when you can't make it very funny. Seeing as to how I'm stranded in the windy city with most my friends gone for the summer, I've resorted to trying to drink my reserve of alcohol while sticking tape to my face; while I'll be one of the first to say how much I love sticking tape to my face, I have to say that it probably won't entertain me indefinitely.

To make things worse, I have absolutely no idea what to write about. Given the fact that I've been, in general, an absolutely craptastic blogger recently, I figure I owe it to my faithful readers to pull out the goods (no, I don't mean my genitalia, you fucking pervert). I'm therefore stuck. It's times like this when you wish you had autoblogger handy.Unfortunately, I'm not sure such a program really exists, so that isn't exactly an option.

I suppose I could do one of those nice reciprocity posts; you know, the ones where you dish out a couple links, spread the traffic around a bit, say how some blogs other than your own are cool and whatnot. I've been reading minishorts a fair bit, and I must say that she's pretty much a mistress of dishing out traffic. I'm still catching up on all the blog entries I missed while on holiday, but I did notice that she finally got round to handing me a role in one of her stories, which was nice of her, even if she did make hurtful comments about my gender, and also call me 'fugly'. Eh, whatever; being the traffic whore that I am, I am obliged to say how cool she is for writing about me.

I figure, though, that I'm bad at dishing out traffic, mainly because I like keeping all the traffic here. What do you mean, you like to read other blogs? You infidels! Other blogs suck, you know.

Other than that, I suppose I could point out a couple of my classic works. Unfortunately, I've decided, upon reading my past entries, that this blog sucks as well. Yes, that's right, my standards are so high that even I can't meet them. This doesn't mean that I have unrealistically high standards. Rather, it means that the whole world sucks. I've been on the internet for about 3 hours straight now, and I can tell you, it sucks tonight. I don't know why, it just does.

Having listed the two options I rejected, I come to the last option - whinging about how I have nothing to write. Given that I spend all of my time whinging, I figure I've gotten pretty decent at it. Man, I wish I had something cool to write about. I wish I had lots of hot babes coming over to give me back rubs. I wish I had a maid to clean my room. I wish the fucking travel agent would get me a confirmed flight home so I could sit at home and vegetate, and then wish I was somewhere else. Oh, life is so hard. I'm going to go get drunk. Oh wait, I'm already kind of drunk. Time to pass out. Fuck.

Hopefully I'll be more entertaining tomorrow.

Today's Blog Babe: minishorts; she wanted to be babe of the month, but hey, you need to send me tantalizing pics to be babe of the month, silly.

Totally Awesome Theme Park Day

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 01:26:00 -0500

You know, I just realized that theme parks are so ridiculously expensive because, more often than not, they're a shitload of fun. Yes, from time to time the lines can be ridiculously long, some of the rides aren't that fantastic, other theme parkers are usually royal pains in the butt, and once in a while, the skies will open up and piss all over your parade, but hey, none of this alters the fact that you're given 12 hours or so to jump on as many mind-numbing, death-defying, stomach-wrenching rides as you possibly can, take as many pictures as your camera will allow and, in general, make a total jackass of yourself. I know - what could be more fun?

Being a seasoned theme park veteran, I figure I've come up with a pretty good method for tackling theme parks. I am a total theme park marauder - today I took my little brother to both of Orlando's Universal theme parks - when we weren't squeezing our way past the lines for attractions, or wrangling ourselves places in the express line, we'd be running from ride to ride. Considering we covered two theme parks in a day (pretty thoroughly, too, I might add), I figure we did pretty damn well for ourselves. I spent all day yelling, 'GO!GO!GO! HURRY! QUICK QUICK IF YOU SLOW DOWN CANNOT SIT ALL THE RIDES ALREADY! FASTER FASTER!' one second, then the next second yelling, 'WAIT! STOP! TAKE PICTURE!'

Yes, it might have rained for about 5 hours (or perhaps 5 billion? Who's counting?) and we might have sat next to a bunch of excitable fat people on some of the rides (you know, those twits who spend the whole ride going 'WHOO!! OH! AIYEEYEEYEEEEYEEE!!!' and occupying half your seat with their overflowing buttcheeks, but hey, all in all, it was still an awesome, awesome day.

Mickey Loves Money

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 20 Jun 2005 01:11:00 -0500

I'm in Orlando, Florida, on my pseudo-godfather's laptop; we've finally moved beyond dialup connections, and onward to the great promised land of wireless internet. Unfortunately, it's kind of hard to do photo-editing with a touch-pad. I tried for a bit, but totally gave up. Fortunately, we can always rely on google images:

'that's right... tell daddy to give me all your money'

For those of you bright sparks who have yet to catch on, I'm scheduled for a visit to the magic kingdom tomorrow. Let me tell you, these play-dates with Mickey and friends don't come cheap. A one-day 'magic your way' pass will set you back US$59.75 per adult. Seeing as to how they define 'adults' as anyone aged 10 and above, I suppose a large proportion of those paying adult fares in the disney theme parks would have barely gotten used to the fact that they're no longer sperm. For a party of five, this comes up to about US$300. Couple this with the fact that there are FOUR disney theme parks in Orlando - The Magic Kingdom, Epcott Center, MGM-Studios and Animal Kingdom, as well as the fact that each ticket only gets you into ONE of these parks, and you're looking at spending a small fortune paying these bastards for the pleasure of waiting in line. We're in Orlando for 3 and a half days, which means we're looking at US$900 to Mickey's bank book. Is it just me, or is this a lot of money?

I've been to plenty of theme parks. You might think that the hefty fees would keep the crowds at bay, but, unsurprisingly, they don't. I was recently at six flags, and in the 4 hours I was there, we managed to get on a grand total of 4 rides. I know, fantastic, right? Given that I spend, say, ten hours, and sit on, say, 10 rides, that will be roughly 6 bucks per ride. Thus, I will be lining up an hour to pay 6 bucks for each ride.

There's obviously a cheaper way - I could always buy a 'magic your ~~money a~~way' pass for 3 days - this would cost US$171 per adult, and would save us a whopping 10 bucks each. Oh, joy. Considering I also want to go to Universal Studio's 'Islands of Misadventure', so that I can give them my money as well, I suppose I'll pass.

So, the question remains, why the hell am I putting myself through this?

The answer, of course, is that Daddy's paying. You're only a parasite for so long, you know, and I plan to make the most of it. If my kids want to get on a magic roller coaster, though, I'll just drive real fast through Genting highlands. Given my wonderful driving skills, that would be scarier than any rollercoaster. I figure my parents have given disney enough money for one lifetime.

The Slow Boat to St. Paul

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 23:12:00 -0500

I'm currently on a dialup connection in St. Paul, Minnesota, the city I (sort of) grew up in. I haven't been here for 16 years, but, somehow, according to what foggy memories I have of it, it hasn't really changed. I mean, they built a monolithic tribute to consumerism called the mall of America (complete with an indoor amusement park) but, other than that, a lot of the city is still how I (very faintly) remember it.

I've been spending the last couple days in the back seat of a minivan, driven around by my parents, and seeing the people who used to play with me when I was about 7. I seriously almost feel like a kid again. There are only so many times you can hear stories about the time you were 5 and proudly told the waiter in the chinese restaurant that you didn't speak any chinese. I mean, it's kind of cool that all these people still remember you, but seriously, I'm almost 24. It's been a long, long time, people.

This whole trip is leaving me really disoriented. I just don't know how to react to all this. I suppose it's good seeing these places, and walking these streets, but, on the other hand, it's really, really, really weird. What do you say to the people who used to be an integral part of your life when you were a totally different person? I seriously have no clue.

I'd show you guys pictures, but this dialup connection is really slow. Next stop: Orlando. Disneyworld will probably be much less awkward.

The Middle of Nowhere

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 16 Jun 2005 02:54:00 -0500

I'm currently blogging from Indiana, the land of corn, soy beans and Wal-Mart. It's a nice place, somewhere I haven't been for, well, a little too long, I guess. Today we were led along by the whims of my sister and god-sister; we went out to ride horsies (oh, how little girls love their horsies) and also went to go look at little pretty things. It was alright; long car rides mean that I can sleep a lot, which explains my poofy hair and squinty eyes.

Somehow, everywhere I go, I manage to look silly.

This is me with my mom and brother in Navy Pier. I look silly.

This is me and my mom on horses. I look silly.

Tomorrow we're off to Minnesota, where I will continue to look silly, and not have a computer.

Oh yeah, as a final note, after looking at the source code for Kenny Sia's Singapore Blogger quiz, I have this to say:

1) I was born in 1981, not 1982. I know I look young, but you don't have to make me so young, ok, Kenny!

2) I almost never ever go to Zouk.

3) I am not promiscuous, ok! I am shy. See so shy!

4) I don't understand why Kenny thinks I'm a happy guy. Don't you read the anger and depression on this blog? I'm full of negative emotion, man! How am I happy? I don't get it!

Alright folks. Catch you later.

Which Blogger am I?

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Tue, 14 Jun 2005 23:30:00 -0500

So, the other day I took kenny sia's increasingly popular singapore blogger quiz. I'd been checking comments on my blog in my retreat, and I got a couple (meaning, one) comments (ok, fine, i got one comment) from this guy saying something like 'I TOOK KENNY SIA'S QUIZ AND HE SAID I'M YOU'; it was the sort of dumbfounding comment that makes me wonder about parallel universes, before I realize that it's actually referencing an internet quiz.

Somehow, though, this quiz was different. Why? I'll tell you why.

1) Kenny Sia is a funny guy. Everyone says Kenny Sia is a funny guy. You know what? Kenny Sia actually IS a funny guy. I had to say it so many times because I resent people being funnier than me. THE BASTARDS! WHY ARE YOU GUYS FUNNIER THAN ME? FUCK YOU GUYS.

2) I am one of the possible answers. How kick-ass is this? Haven't you ever wanted a quiz where people can say 'hey, I'm you?' Naturally, I had to go and take the test and see if I would be me. I've always wanted to be me, I hear being me is kind of cool.

OK, so I went to take the quiz, and lo and behold, it pronounced me Mr. Miyagi!

I figure, you know, being Mr. Miyagi is pretty cool. He's a cool blogger. Everyone seems to be going on about how cool he is. But, you know, I'm cool too, and I like being me. I clicked the 'back' button, and filled out a couple questions different. Lo and behold, I got:

I tried it a third time. Still Miyagi. Maybe I wasn't changing enough answers. I revamped all my answers, thinking long and hard about what Kenny would think I was like, and I came out...

By now I was frenetic. I changed answers like mad, shifting things here and there - kenny should know I have a shitload of music on my computer, he should be able to guess I was born on or around 81, and perhaps he would know that I thought episode 3 sucked. I changed all the other answers around, then I found that suddenly I was...

Ok, actually first I got finicky feline, but then that was such a freak incident that somehow, when I decided to write a blog entry about this fiasco, I couldn't get myself as a result.

Finally, I tried to get myself, the old-fashioned way. I read entries written by people who had gotten results proclaiming them 'big fucks'; I read the description Kenny wrote of me. I read a whole bunch of stuff, and contrived to get the answers just right, so I'd get to display a sticker saying that I was me, so that I'd pass Kenny Sia's newly given identity test, so that I could say, damn it, I'm the real big fuck.

After all my effort, I came out xiaxue. Damnit Kenny, I give up. What do I have to do to be me?

Police Come Already!

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Mon, 13 Jun 2005 16:54:00 -0500

So, having graduated on saturday, I met my parents at the airport on sunday afternoon. As it stands, I have my parents, my pseudo-godparents, my brother, my sister and my godsister all sleeping in my bedroom and living room. Having bundled them off to the museum of science and industry for the afternoon, I finally have a good half an hour with my faithful computer to shoot off a blog entry before we head for the peaceful little town of Terre Haute, Indiana. Readers of my old blog will remember this as the land of corn and soy beans, and not much else. It's recommended for a laid back couple weeks of daily trips to Wal-Mart, and not much else. If you like Wal-Mart, I guess it's not a bad place.

After living alone for so long, though, it's hard to have your parents over. Seriously, it's like the police are here, you know?

Gone are the ciggies (though, to be fair, I kicked smoking a while ago), gone is the mountain of alcohol, gone are the late night sexy, sexy parties. I can't even sit around and play winning eleven all day. Hell, even blogging is hard. Wah, life with the police - it's hard. Somehow, though, given that they're family, I guess it's alright. My parents decided to come in to chicago a full day after my graduation. Given that I don't have a stinking camera (other than my wonderful webcam, which is totally useless and produces stunningly pixelated pieces of trash), I had to rely on my good buddy Andy to take a picture for me. For your voyeuristic pleasure, let me present my only goddamn graduation photo:

Naturally, though, my parents, being Asian, also insisted on taking a whole set of pictures - two days after my graduation. Today we did the normal parental tour of the campus thing, except I had to wear my graduation gown, and feel vaguely like an idiot. Ah well, I figure that's cool, too. Given that I spent a good 38 dollars on the damn gown, I might as well get a little bit more mileage out of it, right? After today, the silly thing is probably headed for a long, long, time spent in the back of a dusty, dusty wardrobe. At least it got worn more than once, I figure.

Anyway, thanks to all of you who've still been reading this blog, even though it's getting dreadfully boring, and I've been so negligent in maintaining it. Things have been hectic around here, but I'll be able to sit down and write shit eventually, I promise. It's great hearing from all 6 (or 5, or 4) of you who left comments, too. You guys are cool. I'll be back in Chicago on the 24th, but you know me - I'll try to check in when I can, yeah?

See y'all later.

Regards,
J.

Oh, by the way, give you all blog babe today: friends don't let friends date mullets (whatever the hell that might mean); I like this livejournal for some reason, and I don't usually like livejournals. Therefore, this site must be at least ok. That is all.

I'm a Bad, Bad Blogger.

noreply@blogger.com (J Schnorng) — Thu, 9 Jun 2005 02:39:00 -0500

Yeah, I realize I've been churning out pretty crap posts, but between the heat, the pre-graduation ceremony socializing, and my general ennui, I really can't get it together to come up with anything good.

My parents are coming in on Sunday, which means that this place will get even more quiet. I know that, having just come off a super long hiatus, this isn't exactly the cleverest blogging career move I will make, but hey, I figure I'm going to ease up just a teeny little bit, because, hey, you don't have to be awesome all the time.

I love self indulgence.