The Big Weight

Oatmeal Cookie Smoothie

2013-06-12T18:17:00.001-04:00

I have the hardest time with food right now. Nothing looks good to me on a daily basis. I have been absolutely all over the food map with variety during this pregnancy. One minute I love peanut butter (as I normally would), the next it makes me nauseous This has been the same pattern with all foods (except, miraculously, milk!) throughout these last 8.5 months.

Add to that my issues with preparing food. Normally, I love cooking. For most of this pregnancy, cooking has been non existent for me. I simply cannot do it. The smells of the food, the texture of raw meat - gag. me. now.

Still, as I'm nearing the end of this journey, I know it's time to start getting my mind back into the weight loss game. I have been eating out during this pregnancy like it's going out of style. The reason for this is mainly due to the changing tastes. I could like spaghetti one day, and hate it the next. I am convinced that all that eating out has certainly played a huge part in the weight gain department.

So, I've been indulging in smoothies lately. One of which is the one I plan to share with you today - the Oatmeal Cookie Smoothie. I discovered this tantalizing drink on Pinterest Lord knows how long ago. I made it for the first time last Thursday. It honestly tasted like an oatmeal raisin cookie, but with far more nutritional benefits. (I apologize in advance that I cannot give any Weight Watchers Points for this, seeing that I put my membership on a hiatus until postpartum).

Have you seen this one floating around on Pinterest?

Oatmeal Cookie Smoothie
adapted from the Happy Herbivore

Ingredients:

2 whole bananas
1 c. ice
1/4 c. rolled oats
1/4 c. Light Vanilla Silk
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
dash of cardamom
1 Tbsp raisins

Notes: The original recipe calls for 2 frozen bananas, for which I did not have. I added in the cup of ice figuring it would help thicken the consistency, and it did. Additionally, the cardamom is "optional" but I had some on hand and it added a great flavor to it. If you are a chai tea lover, then you will love cardamom, since it's once of the main ingredients!

Step 1: Be very excited to use your new Ninja! Just the other night, I had to go out and buy a new blender because my trusty Hamilton Beach from college decided to burn up during one of my smoothie making festivities. This puppy had some great reviews on Walmart.com and so I went out and bought her (from Target.. since they had her in stock and Walmart did not). It wasn't a sad departure - the HB blender was pretty much always awful at blending drinks that involved a lot of frozen goods. This fine girl though, man did she deliver at all 1000 watts of power in her motor!

Step 2: Combine all ingredients in your blender and.... blend! I had to blend mine for about a minute. There isn't a ton of liquid in this concoction to formulate a quick blend. With the oats and raisins, it took some time to puree it all, but it tasted great!

What are some of your favorite smoothie recipes?

Doctor Update & Pregnancy Fashion

2013-06-11T19:33:00.000-04:00

Doctor Update

I got to see one of my favorite doctors yesterday for my 38 week appointment.

She told me I was looking great, and as of right now she did not see a reason for me to be a candidate for a c-section. Even though I gained 5 lbs this week, she said she feels it's probably just water-weight - especially judging from my puffy feet and hands. All vitals are still doing well (i.e. no high pressure = no preeclampsia). She also told me she saw no reason for me to have another rate-of-growth ultrasound. So she basically said all of the exact opposite as to what the unkind doctor told me. Who is right? I guess we'll find out soon enough. I just pray that the nice doctor does know what she's talking about and isn't just a bad doctor, ya know?

On another note, do you like how easily I glossed over a 5 lbs weight gain in a week?! Oh how times have changed from the weight loss days! Now certainly, soon enough I'll be back to being committed to seeing a downward motion in those numbers, but for right now, I honestly don't care. I just want her out and healthy, and preferably sooner rather than later :).

Pregnancy Fashion

This "fashion" thing is kind of a joke. Well, not "kind of", it is.

Thanks to the ability for me to work from home these last several weeks of my pregnancy, I have been able to be super comfortable with the clothing I wear. In other words, I pretty much wear some type of exercise pant with a t-shirt every single day. Remarkably, many of my 5K t-shirts still fit me. Wellllll, I should use "fit" as a relative term. They go on and cover my torso, but they are tight!

Since most of my pregnancy was spent during the winter months (thank you Jesus!), much of my maternity wardrobe was catered to colder temps. I did try to buy some versatile pieces, but overall much of my clothing was long sleeved and knit material. I have exactly 1 maternity t-shirt that I bought, and I've been able to get by with that and my 5K tees.

But since it is June, and as a pregnant lady I am running much hotter than I normally would be, I finally had Joel dig out some shorts for me today (we use those vacuum seal bags to store seasonal clothes). Ahhhh the cotton shorts - it's so nice not to have my legs completely covered!

You know what else makes for a great maternity t-shirt? Under Armor shirts! Actually, I only own one shirt of that brand, but I own many of those silky, breathable t-shirts. They have been AMAZING for me during these hotter temps.

They're nice and long to cover the belly, and they help wick away the pregnancy-induced sweating. The one I'm wearing above is from Joel's brother's annual Septathalon Event.

What was one of your favorite things to wear when pregnant? If you've never been pregnant, what is one of your favorite, most comfy thing to wear anyhow?

38 weeks & 2 days Pregnant

2013-06-10T14:11:00.000-04:00

Two milestones were reached this past weekend!

First, I made it to the 38 week mark in my pregnancy - that is great news! I know she's still growing because by the day it seems as though my stomach is getting tighter and tighter. More aches and pains keep occurring in the lady parts. Sleep is getting harder and harder by the day. For example, last night I started in a laying down position. At around 1 AM, I transferred to a sitting up position. By 3:15 AM, I moved to the couch. The couch may be my permanent bed from here on out. I need something to grab onto to help lift myself up and roll over. I haven't had much exhaustion during this final trimester, but I credit that in large part to working at home. I'm sure if I was getting up everyday at 4:30 to head downtown, it'd be a much different story. The exhaustion I've been facing recently is no doubt due to the restless sleep I've been getting. Nearly everyday I've been taking a nap to help make up for it.

This afternoon I have a doctor's appointment, so I hope it fairs good news for us! I should be learning more about whether or not I'll have another rate-of-growth ultrasound. If they do decide to do another, then I should also learn after that how quickly I'll have her. Part of me wants her to arrive on her own time (preferably before the 40 week mark), but part of me hopes they say - "let's schedule you for a c-section" - and that way I may not have to endure the pain of labor. Right now, I just really want her out!!

Also on the milestone marker this weekend was the celebration of our one year wedding anniversary. It is so hard to believe that it was just one year ago, on June 9, that we were married in Montego Bay, Jamaica. A lot sure has changed in just 1 year!

From wedding dresses...

......to maternity dresses!

For our anniversary meal, we dined at the National Harbor at McCormick & Schmick's. We chose that restaurant because they offered red snapper, which was part of our main dish for our wedding dinner. It was so incredibly tasty - especially with the added lemon garlic butter crab on top.

Afterward, we came home and had a very tiny piece of our wedding cake. It actually tasted just fine, but rest assured the remainder will be going into the trash. That is far too much cake for either of us to consume! The flavor was a Jamaican spice cake, which we chose for obvious reasons.

If you would have asked me a year ago how I thought we would be celebrating our first anniversary, I would have said via a cruise back to the Caribbean. But as they say, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." Honestly, our little dinner out at the National Harbor was perfect.

The month of June has been fabulous to us so far, and it's only going to get better with the impending arrival of our little lady!

Stressed-Less Living: #Blessed

2013-06-06T15:29:00.000-04:00

As part of the Stressed-Less Living Bible Study, this week I am sharing 5 things for which I am #Blessed. I'm sure I could easily come up with a much longer list!

1. Baby Buzz - I am still at the point where I cannot even believe I am having a baby! This whole thing is still very surreal to me, but I know that God #blessed us with her for a very special reason. I cannot wait to learn more about our daughter!

2. Joel - How far God has brought our relationship from just one year ago. Exactly one year ago today, we would have been shopping at Kohl's for some last minute beach clothes for Joel, followed by a very anxious dinner at Uno's. We are fearful flyers, and were so incredibly nervous over our impending flight to Jamaica the next morning. We had a gorgeous wedding ceremony on white sandy beaches with crystal clear blue waters, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. Joel has proven every vowel we took that day just in our first year of marriage. I have heard many others say that the first year of marriage can be the hardest. God tested us from the very beginning - after being married for merely 3 months, He gave us one of His greatest gifts. Joel has been by my side for every good and bad day of pregnancy from day 1. He has dug me out of the depths of sadness (at the beginning), and helped me get excited for our new little 'bee. As the Blake Shelton song goes, "God gave me {Joel} for the ups and downs..." I could not have done this journey without him, and Joel, darling, I love you so, so much!

3. My Health - Pregnancy has taught me so much, but one thing that has really shined through is how durable my body is. I may be overweight, but I fully intend to get back to caring for this body once the little lady is born. I have had a challenging pregnancy - battling morning sickness nearly this entire time, hemorrhoids, heart palpitations, etc. Still, I know it could be so much worse. Those are mild issues compared to what some women have to endure - preeclampsia, miscarriages, issues with their placentas, etc. I am lucky and thankful that God has #blessed me with a body that has been able to carry a child.

image courtesy of Elkinks

4. My Cats - Oh Merlin & Charles! Sometimes a source of frustration (furniture clawing!), but often a source of laughter. These two have been our babies for so long - I cannot wait to see how they adjust to a third human in the house! I cannot get enough of their antics - they have truly been a blessing in our lives!

5. My Job - If you know me, you know I really dislike my job. However, I have an income! I have a place of employment that affords me the luxury of working at home. I'm not sure I could have survived this pregnancy without that flexibility, especially during this last trimester. Sleep quality is so awful right now, I can't imagine waking up for work at 4:30 AM to commute an hour into the city... 8 months pregnant! Words cannot express how thankful I am to have this opportunity to work at home during this last trimester in order to smoothly transition into the birth of our daughter. Not only that, but I am so #blessed to have a paycheck and health insurance. Our lives could be a heck of a lot more stressful if we were not employed!

What are 5 things you are #blessed with right now?

She's Almost Here!

2013-06-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

On Monday I had a rate of growth ultrasound to determine just how healthy our little lady is!

This appointment went so much better than last week's!

It's always nice and comforting to see the little lady moving around in there on the sonogram screen. She is currently measuring at 8 pounds and 12 days ahead of her due date. (For those that may not know, the u/s can be off in either direction by +- 2 lbs). As of right now, she is in the 94% for her weight, so if she increases between now and 39 weeks, then they will most definitely want me to have a c-section. If I do make it to 39 weeks, they will order another ultrasound to determine her weight, and then schedule the c-section accordingly. They will not be doing a c-section before 39 weeks, unless she chooses to come on her own between now and then!

While I was supposed to meet with the doctor on Monday, she unfortunately had to leave due to a family emergency. Instead I saw one of the fabulous midwives. Jenna explained everything I shared above in such a caring way - not reprimanding me for my weight (which, thank you Jesus, I did not gain any weight since the prior week's appointment), or trying to make me feel like an inadequate woman who "would have a hard time with labor in my physical condition". Despite one crappy doctor, I absolutely love my practice, and I know a large part of that is because of the outstanding midwives that work there.

Previous to becoming pregnant, I had a total misconception of what a midwife was. I ignorantly thought of them as hippy nurses who would want to push me into an all natural delivery without medication and possibly giving birth in a birthing pool. Now listen, if you chose to do that - that's fine! To each their own! For me, I want drugs. I want to be in a hospital in case something goes wrong.

The midwives at my practice deliver most of the babies, actually. If you have a vaginal delivery, barring any complications, a midwife will be delivering you. At my practice, that means the midwife has far more time with you than a doctor would. I also tend to believe the level of care is much more personal. While I don't know what God has in store for this delivery, I have a strong feeling that this little woman is coming via a c-section, and so I am moderately sad I won't have a midwife to help me along. They have been absolutely amazing throughout my entire pregnancy.

Today I sit at 37.5 weeks pregnant. Now if you're like me, these week numbers I keep throwing around might not mean much to you. Trust me, I felt the same way once upon a time. I remember telling my other pregnant friends, "How do you even keep track of what week it is? I know I couldn't just tell you what week we're in for 2013." I guess when you're growing a human, the number of weeks start to matter, and you just know.

Ideally, a woman will carry a baby to 40 weeks gestation, or 9 months. (Do the math though... 40/4 is 10, not 9... so it's really like you're 10 months pregnant and not 9!). Obviously, that is the ideal. Still, as we all know, babies come when they want to.. before or after 40 weeks. Right now, I am considered fullterm, meaning she could be born today and be absolutely fine. All of her organs are fully developed and all she's doing now is putting on more weight (better her than me, I hope!).

So we just go day by day, anxiously awaiting her arrival, however and whenever that might be!

Stressed-Less Living

2013-05-30T12:57:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I began this online bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministry. It's called Stressed-Less Living, and it follows along with Tracie Miles' book on how to lessen the stress in our lives.

This study could not have come at a better time, with the impending changes about to happen in my life! While having a baby is a happy and joyous occasion, it certainly brings an added element of stress into our daily lives.

I think whether you're a parent or not, you can imagine the changes that are involved with having a child: daycare costs, general care for the child and the costs associated with it (diapers, formula, food, clothing, doctor's visits, college education savings, etc), sleepless nights - this list could go on and on. Joel and I have been blessed in that we are both employed fulltime, and so I am less concerned about the added expenditures of having a baby. There will be an impact for sure, but at least we have jobs that can afford us the freedom of worry for caring for her!

Still, there are other stressors that one might not think about as readily when it comes to having a baby. For example, I know until I get into a new routine, my life is not going to be my own anymore. The priority will be caring for her and making sure her needs are met first. Time will be even more of the essence that it is now.

I'm used to my freedom - exercising when I want to, cooking/meal planning and preparation at my convenience, taking college classes toward my nursing degree, reading, swimming, meeting up with friends, making my weight loss journey a priority. This list could also go on and on.

Truth be told, this latter group of things is what I'm most worried about right now. This is a weight loss blog after all. My health and my journey toward getting to goal is still very important to me. I don't want to become that mother who has a baby and never devotes anytime to self-improvement. Afterall, now I have one more reason to want to better my health - to be around for as long as possible to see my child grow up into a beautiful young lady.

One thing that has really resonated with me during this study is a quote the author shared that says:

If the devil can't hinder our relationship with God by making us immoral, he'll simply make us busy.

In essence, what this means is that God no longer becomes the center of our universe - other things do. I was taught from a very early age, back in my Sunday school days, the importance of having quiet time with our Lord each day. It is hard to do that when you have a to-do list a mile long, like mine tends to be!

Still, another thing that I've learned during this study, via a participant, is that no matter how busy her day appears to be - if she starts her day with quiet time with the Lord, her day always progresses so much more productively. Sure, she might not get everything done on her to-do list. But she made the one thing that should always be #1 on her to-do list a priority. I've started implementing that same idea into my life, and I really see the positive impacts already. It's hard to explain, but I think what happens is that the other things on my to-do list suddenly become less stressful to accomplish, and also not as important. I almost take on the mentality of, "If it gets done, it gets done. If not, there's always tomorrow." However, many times I am able to knock those things off my list with near ease - I know it's because of how I chose to start my day!

So when the baby comes, I know our lives are going to be turned upside down for awhile until we can get used to this new change. I also know that it's going to become imperative that I pray for God to reveal to me areas of my life that I have to let go of. This might be in the form of finding a new job where my commute isn't as long or my schedule is more flexible, electing to work part time, reading less, getting rid of Facebook/Pinterest (i.e. big time suckers/wasters), etc... whatever it is - I know some things are going to have to go to the wayside for now, if not for forever.

And that's okay!

Afterall, we are about to be blessed with one of the most precious gifts in life, and it's hard to imagine that I'm going to love her anymore than I already do.

3.5 weeks To Go!

2013-05-28T14:44:00.001-04:00

**all photos on this post, with the exception of the first one, were professionally taken by Emily at Elkinks Photography.

It's hard for me to imagine that I am this close to the end of my pregnancy. It truly seems just like yesterday that I found out I was going to have a baby. I remember laying on my couch in October thinking, "How am I ever going to survive this until June"? Here we are!

36 weeks

If there is one thing I've learned throughout this entire process, it's that every single person responds to pregnancy differently, both physically and emotionally. Sure, those who are able to get pregnant and carry a baby fullterm inevitably a) get pregnant and b) deliver a kid in some fashion. But what goes on in each woman's pregnancy can vary greatly. This isn't a bad thing! It's just good to know that what I went through, or your mother went through, or your friend went through, doesn't automatically mean you will go through those same things when you are pregnant.

On top of that, there are so many parallels to draw between a person's weight loss journey and their pregnancy journey. Both are physically demanding. Both are emotionally demanding. Both are unique to the individual. And both involve receiving a lot of opinions, whether you asked for them or not! And truth be told, I can say all these things and for some, this will not click until they go through their own journey. That's fine too! I am one of those people. I've read a LOT about weight loss, and I've been around enough pregnant women to know the basics of what goes on. But when you're not the one enduring the journey, it doesn't quite sink in the same way.

I can now say that I am thankful to God for giving me the ability to make a human. While I could not have seen myself voluntarily wanting to be pregnant ever in my life, I am so glad I've gone through this experience. I know it has made me a better person because of it. Pregnancy truly is a miracle - not only in the conception of the child, which is a miracle all on it's own, but also in how your body begins to respond to a growing human. The hormones that automatically turn on, the way your bones start to shift, the ability of your heart to start pumping more blood through your system. It all blows me away.

What blows me away even more is how my body has responded to pregnancy. I've talked about this before, but it's worth jotting down again for my own sake. I am most definitely not about to condone being overweight. However, I feel a lot like my blogger friend Ashley. {Ashley has her own weight loss journey that she talks about on her blog Coffee Cake and Cardio.} The thing that draws me to Ashley is something I believe we share (or, rather, shared prior to becoming pregnant). Ashley is very fit - she works out a ton each day, and also plays on a professional sports team in the area. Yet, she's talked about being ridiculed by doctors for being overweight. Ashley has very clearly proven that the number on the scale is, just in fact, a number.

By no means was I ever as fit as she is right now, but I can relate to this ridicule. Aside from my weight, I have excellent vitals. My blood pressure is always normal and tends to even be slightly on the lower side. My bloodwork is always as it should be (no high cholesterol, etc). Now, perhaps age is on my side. However, over the last 2.5 years, I've maintained a regularly active lifestyle. And going through this pregnancy, my body has amazed me that it has actually been able to do it's normal job, despite my being overweight. Sure, I have aches and pains, but I know what I experience is no different than what someone half my size is going through either. I said before, I definitely never wanted to have a baby being as overweight as I was. It didn't seem fair to my body, and certainly not to the child. Here I am, 3.5 weeks to go, and all appears as it should be! I am so grateful to God for this.

Having said that, I had another bad doctor's appointment today. I saw that same doctor today, that I saw this time around. I tried to go into this appointment mentally prepared for the weight discussion. And sure enough it happened. It was the first thing out of her mouth. So I asked her what the concern was with my weight gain (I had gained 7 lbs in 2 weeks). She rattled off a list of medical terms, throwing in "fetal death" and "hardships with recovery postpartum". These things are all risk factors with an overweight woman. Now, part of me wants to call b-s on this. I know that what she's saying is what could happen based on studies and evidence of previous pregnancies gone wrong. But that doesn't mean that just because I'm overweight it automatically means my child will die, or I will have a hard time healing postpartum, or all of the other medical jargon she threw at me. And I just got done saying how proud I was of my body for being so resilient. Yet, it doesn't lessen the sting when a medical professional tells you these things. The last thing I'd want to happen is for my child to die simply because I was overweight during their delivery.

The bottom line is, it hurts. I know she's just doing her job. But my being overweight has reared it's ugly head yet again. Despite that the baby has passed all of her little tests, and I have passed all of mine (gestational diabetes, other bloodwork, etc), I'm still not good enough. As I've said, I don't condone being overweight - as soon as she is born I cannot WAIT to return to eating normally again and getting back to exercise. I also know that part of this is my fault for being overweight, then getting pregnant. Still, the reality of it hurts.

The appointment today ended with orders to get a "rate of growth" ultrasound. If the baby is measuring too large at this point, I will be offered an elective c-section. How embarrassing, and how awful of a person am I that I might have to have a c-section simply because my child is too big before the 40 week mark... and too big because of me. How would I even make that kind of decision? She said they'd offer it to me, but I could also just continue on to see how things go. So, if I continue on to see how things go, and the baby goes into distress because now she's even bigger because I've waited and because I'm overweight, then what kind of person am I?

I pray nothing happens to her or to myself during these next few weeks that remain.

**all photos on this post, with the exception of the first one, were professionally taken by Emily at Elkinks Photography.

7.5 Weeks to Go!

2013-05-01T22:34:00.002-04:00

This break from Weight Watchers was exactly what I needed (not that I'd ever recommend becoming pregnant if you're burned out on your healthy eating journey!). It has been so nice, and such a breath of fresh air, to just relax about food and not worry about every single thing I eat.

Having said that, I'm still looking forward to being done with pregnancy and getting back to weight loss. It's fine whenever you have a legitimate excuse - I'm gaining weight because I'm pregnant. Not so much when you're not growing a human!

I'm trying to take things one day at a time right now. Over the last few weeks, I've developed heart palpitations along with a lot of cramping. I've been under the care of a cardiologist who thinks everything is okay, but I'm still awaiting the test results from some blood work and the heart monitor I wore for 24 hrs. I also go for an echo-cardiogram (a sonogram of the heart) next Tuesday. Heart palpitations are something that can be normal for pregnant women due to the fact that we're pumping 50% more blood through our bodies, and also because the heart enlarges by about 12% when pregnant. I pray that all of this checks out okay! Personally, I think much of this is due to stress, and I'm thankful that my doctor recently granted me full time work-from-home status just this week. That is a huge burden lifted!

This is a total sidebar... but this picture below was from our baby moon to Virginia Beach a few weeks back. Joel thought he could rent this bike and ride me around for an hour or so. Uhhhh - who thinks he was being a little too optimistic??? He didn't make it 2 hotel lengths on the boardwalk before he was out of breath and saying "I can't do this!" I was cracking up! So we rented this thing for 2 hours and returned it in 15 minutes. I had a hard time pedaling because of my belly and the awkward seating. God love him...

While that crappy doctor that gave me a hard time about my weight gain insisted that all the cramping I was having was normal, the recent doctor's visit on Monday proved otherwise. He thought my cervix was too short, and sent me to the hospital for more testing. Turns out everything is fine, and I am definitely having cramps (proven by the fetal heart rate monitor), but not strong enough to be contractions yet. That's all great news! So, the mean doctor might have been right, but I feel much better knowing I've been checked out instead of someone just telling me everything is okay.

This weekend we're having maternity pictures taken, and next weekend we will be at a baby shower in Pennsylvania! The end of pregnancy will be here before I know it, and I'm getting very nervous about it as each day passes. I fear the pain, and I fear I won't be able to handle it even though I do want drugs. Some people say not to get the drugs too early. Others tell me they got it and then it wore off by the time delivery came. Still others tell me the drugs didn't even work for them. Too much to worry about!

Weight Gain and Pregnancy... son of a...

2013-04-15T20:13:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure there is a truly a polite way to tell an overweight person that they are, in fact, overweight. All I know is that I know I'm overweight, and I don't want to be reminded that I am, especially whenever I'm in an already vulnerable position.

There's nothing like being told you're overweight as you're sitting in the obstetrician's office with no pants on (all for no reason, might I add!).

I guess it was only a matter of time before this conversation occurred. I was so proud up to this point that my baby doctor had yet to address my weight. I figured I was doing well, not gaining too much, since they never said a word to me about it.

It was only just last week after I had an appointment with a surgeon, over those dreadful hemorrhoids, that I learned what my current weight was - 269 lbs. I was 240 lbs when I got pregnant. Then I lost about 5 lbs due to the sickness. So I've gained roughly 30 lbs so far with this pregnancy. I was also pleasantly surprised at that number, since at my heaviest when starting this journey, I weighed in at 263 lbs.

Now, don't get me wrong. Obviously those numbers mentioned above are nothing to celebrate. Still, all of my blood work and vitals and tests always come back with flying colors. My blood pressure and heart rate are always excellent (they say!), and so despite my heftiness, I thought I was doing pretty well.

Today I went in to the doctor because I might have a urinary tract infection, though I have to wait a few days for the results. My practice is made up of many, many doctors and midwives, so I have yet to see the same person twice. Today, for the first time, I was not happy. I went in complaining about sharp, shooting pain in my cervical area, along with pain in my bladder every time I stood up. I've also been having a lot of pressure in my pelvis. The doctor stood there, and in all of her snarkiness, basically told me that everything I was experiencing was normal. I have even been having cramps off and on, and so I was getting really worried about what was happening. She basically said, "You're pregnant, what did you expect?" Well, gee, I don't know - I've never been pregnant before!

But, apparently the more important topic on her agenda was my 4 lbs weight gain in the two weeks since I had last been there. She said I should not be gaining any more weight between now and the delivery date! Not that I want to gain weight, but honestly, I'm not trying to gain weight either - it's just happening.

Now, none of this is news to me. I know the recommended weight gain for pregnancy varies depending on your starting weight (the heavier you are, the less it should be). Still, I can promise you that I don't sit here and gorge myself. In fact, I have a hard enough time eating everyday as it is. In all honesty, if it didn't make me so sick, I could go all day and not eat. I simply do not desire food. For the first time in my life - I DO NOT DESIRE FOOD! Now certainly, I'm not eating healthfully either. Too much stuff initiates heartburn and nausea so I eat whatever I can keep down. Still, for her to say that to me was like knocking the wind out of me. It reminded me of times as a pre-teen, going to the pediatrician and him telling me, "All you have to do is eat your fruits and vegetables and not eat junk, and you'll lose the weight." Easy for a "civilian" to say (sidenote: "civilian" is a term a former Weight Watchers leader used for naturally skinny people who don't worry much about eating and obsessing over food).

The fact is, this doctor rubbed me the wrong way before she even got started on the weight lecture, but that sure was the cherry on top.

Sometimes I feel like even though doctors are supposed to be the experts, they just aren't. They don't know what it's like to be in my shoes (or any other overweight person's shoes), unless they've stood in those shoes before. I didn't get the impression that she had - given how she bragged about giving birth to triplets despite being the "tiniest person in this entire practice - tehe". Ugh!

I left today's appointment feeling totally blown and defeated. She almost made me feel like I came in for nothing, even though I'm convinced I have a UTI. It just doesn't make me feel like I can trust someone and what they say to me, when they make a mockery out of my circumstances.

Minor Health Issues

2013-04-01T17:47:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough last few days around these parts. Just when I felt like this pregnancy thing wasn't so bad afterall, something else comes up that knocks me off of my feet.

I hope that I can one day look back and laugh at how upset I am about this issue, but right now it's the only thing on my mind: I've got hemorrhoids.

It was late on Wednesday while I was getting ready to go to bed that my butt started hurting. I've had the hemms in the past so I knew what it was about, and I also knew they were highly likely during/after pregnancy. I went to bed in a lot of pain - so much so that I could hardly fall asleep and awoke about an hour afterward in need of Tylenol. They hurt so bad they were inducing a headache! I've never had them THAT badly.

Well, I got up the next day and went into work. I immediately switched out my usual desk chair for a more comfy one, hoping that would help ease the soreness. No such luck. I shared the story with a coworker and she fabricated an ice pack for me to sit on - it was glorious and really helped me to get through the rest of the work day. That night I went to bed with far less pain.

Still, when I awoke on Friday, I just knew that I should try to get to the doctor if possible. The standard over-the-counter meds weren't helping much. Fortunately my OBGYN was able to fit me in with a 1 PM appointment. The midwife told me she had never seen hemms quite that badly in a pregnant lady, and that even women who've already delivered don't typically get them that bad. Great. After consulting with the doctor, they both agreed that I should go see a gastroenterologist ASAP for a second opinion on them. The OB sent me away with 2 prescriptions to help in the meantime, and an order of one week's worth of bedrest. That's right, I'm pregnant and on bedrest - but not for the typical reasons!

I am set to see the doctor on Wednesday, and I'm actually looking forward to it. My main concern is that they will get worse between now and June. Also, I am worried about what might happen after the delivery, especially if I do deliver naturally. I would imagine they would get worse, and if so, then what? I know that people sometimes have to have surgery on them, and who wants to have surgery on their bottom after they've just delivered a baby? That does not seem ideal!

My doctor insisted that the hemms are a complete result of the weight of my uterus on my colon, but I cannot help but wonder if they are due to me being overweight in general. I mentioned having them before, and according to my doctor at that time, it was most likely due to my male-like habits at sitting on the toilet for 20 min at a time reading! (It's because your butt muscles are "at attention" when you're sitting on the toilet. Sit too long and the muscles get aggravated, hence causing the hemms).

I've thought a lot about how being overweight has affected the pregnancy. In general, I don't think it has much, with the exception of buying maternity clothes. Despite the number on the scale, my vitals have always pointed toward a perfectly healthy individual - excellent blood pressure, excellent blood work, strong heart rate, etc. I think I owe a lot of that to my previously active lifestyle.

However, when it comes to something like this, that I know can also be as a result of being overweight, I cannot help but wonder if it would've been different had I not been so heavy and pregnant. It's hard to say. I know many other women who are my age and are pregnant right now, who are not overweight, and who are experiencing some of the same issues I've had (such as hip pain when sleeping) and the hemms. Still, I'm sure age is also on my side, and I know that once this baby makes her debut, I cannot wait to start the journey at removing the weight.

Pregnancy is a hard enough physical journey as it is - there is no sense in adding anymore unnecessary baggage, if you get my drift!

Projects Before Baby Arrives

2013-03-27T10:32:00.001-04:00

I have a few things that I want to accomplish before the baby arrives.

1. Daycare: Many have warned us that we have to start as soon as possible in order to get ourselves on the waiting lists. Just like I did with wedding planning, I'm procrastinating hardcore on this task. It just seems complicated - choosing the right childcare for our kid, and hoping that you're getting your money's worth for the care they provide. We're also in an unusual position where we won't necessarily ever need childcare a full 5 days/week. I know that daycares don't allow you to pick and choose, so we're also considering a nanny. Decisions, decisions.

2. Knitting: I've always wanted to learn how to knit and what better time than now? Especially since I'm not currently taking nursing classes, I have much more free time. My neighbor, Amelia, got me started with the basic knit stitch, and so I've decided to proceed with that - constructing a lavender baby blanket for the little lady. So far I have just 5 squares done. It takes me forever! Amelia has promised to help me stitch the squares together once I'm ready. I have 35 more squares to go - I hope I can make it in time!

I hope to work up to Kelly's level where I can actually read/follow a pattern and do more than just a simple baby blanket.
3. Getting rid of stuff: We've been diligently cleaning out our spare bedroom (and the whole condo!) to convert it into a nursery. So far we've made great progress, but there are still some big ticket items that need to go. I've listed our old desk on Craigslist, and I have an entire Rubbermaid tote FILLED with books I've already read. Those have been listed on Half.com. (Most of them are super cheap too - just 75 cents!)

4. Nursery Furniture: We already have the crib, but we need to get the remaining furniture. I'm not big on changing tables - they just don't seem like a practical piece of furniture - so I'd prefer to get a 6-drawer dresser that can serve as both the changing table and dresser. Still, it's hard to find a 6-drawer dresser that isn't more than $500. We're not trying to invest too much into this furniture, since we will be moving again sometime in the future, and who knows how many more times, and I don't want to have anything super nice that will just get knocked around in future moves.

5. Photography: I've always had an interest in photography, but now that I have a DSLR I really want to take full advantage of all it can do. I took an online class last summer via a LivingSocial deal (it was so-so), but I want to do more. I have a photography book I want to get through, as well as tackle some more techniques in both Photoshop and Lightroom. I like taking pictures of people, not scenes or objects, so it's been kind of tough finding people to practice on. BUT, soon I will have a great subject to practice on and I can't wait :).

6. Financials: My parents set me up with a life insurance policy a long time ago, but it wasn't doing so well and they finally cashed it in and gave me the money. Now that I'm married, Joel and I really need to get a policy established and I'd like to get an education fund started for the baby. One of the greatest gifts I've ever been given was having my college education paid in full for me thanks to my generous parents! I want to be able to do the same for my child. I do welcome input on this area - do you have an investment company that you work with that works well?

Do you have any big things you're trying to check off your to-do list between now and when the summer months start?

27 Weeks

2013-03-25T15:27:00.000-04:00

Here's something unbelievable to me: I'm now 27 weeks pregnant! This also means I have just 1 trimester left to go before the little girl makes her debut. People told me this would go by fast, but I really cannot believe how quickly it has!

I've been trying to take a belly picture every other week to capture the growth. I think in the beginning this was ideal, since it didn't appear that much was really happening at all. Now, I'm so glad I took the pictures because when I compare a picture from 19 weeks vs. 26 weeks - holy moly! I've grown!

26 weeks - giving Kim Kardashian a run for her money
in the hiney department!

Last weekend we visited one of my favorite parks near Joel's childhood home. It's a park that sits along an inlet of the Potomac River in Maryland. I wanted him to take some pictures with the "fancy camera", but then I realized I forgot to put the memory card back in it.   I hate to be that person that blames things on "pregnancy brain", but if I don't say or do something as soon as the thought enters my mind, it is gone just that quickly. Alas, we had to settle for iPhone pics, which weren't too bad.

I know time is going to continue to fly between now and June. My goodness, it's already practically the last week of March!   We have many weekends booking up between now and June and that is going to bring the little girl here before we know it.   We're taking a "babymoon" to Virginia Beach in mid-April (though we'd rather be going some place truly warm - like FL!). I'm also proud to say that I scheduled a maternity photo-shoot with Emily from Elkinks for the beginning of May. Yes, I am a plus-size pregnant lady, but I'm not going to let that hold me back from documenting this little girl's journey into the world.   I've done that far too many times with other things in my life. Emily will also be doing our newborn shots, and those I most definitely cannot wait for!

I'm excited for my first baby shower, which is happening April 6.   I have to admit, I am feeling a little down about it though - 20 people were invited and less than half can make it :(.   Still, I have 3 more showers after this one to help prepare us for the little girl! My office is hosting one during a lunch hour in mid-April, my mom is hosting one in May back in PA, and my mother-in-law is hosting one in MD the following weekend.   I hope we get a lot of the essentials for the little lady. Our big ticket item is really just the stroller/carseat combo.   Everything else is just going to be "nice to have".

If you are a mom, did you do a formal maternity photo shoot? Why or why not?

Did I Tell You?

2013-03-04T12:04:00.001-05:00

It's a girl!!

12 weeks

Yes, we are having ourselves a sweet, little lady. Now, obviously there has to be a story that goes along with this. As Joel would say, "You can't simply give the facts - you have to tell it as a 'story'". I like to think of it as a gift!

Cutting to the chase, however, I did want a boy. We both did. In fact, I'd always said that should I ever get pregnant one day, I was convinced that I would only make boys. I like boy things and I love the idea of having a mommy's boy. I love my little almost-2 year old nephew so much (not that I don't also love my niece, but he is just special to me as a little man!) and felt such a repoire with him - I felt like I would only ever produce boys. Yes, I know this is crazy-talk. I know we don't get to pick and choose! But, I was dreamin'!

Even after learning of the pregnancy, I was still convinced it was a boy. During my last appointment for 2012, the doctor said I could learn the gender on February 4, and the countdown began! I could not WAIT. I was so anxious the day of the appointment that Joel had to take a break from holding my hand because of how sweaty it was. I warned him it would get slick :).

The ultrasound tech began to perform the full anatomy scan as we anxiously awaited our fate. Joel and I both discussed ahead of time that since we didn't want to have a child in the first place, it would probably be a girl since we especially wanted a boy! Yes, the G-man continues to test us and remind us that this is His plan, not ours! Sure enough, our lady confirmed the gender as a girl. Joel said the moisture from my hands was immediately sucked dry and the look on my face was somber. Yeah, it's true. I cried during the ultrasound.

I had the boy's life already planned for him - the bedding/theme picked out. His name. All of his little clothes I couldn't wait to get for him. I wouldn't even so much as glance at girl stuff in the stores because I just KNEW we were having a boy. Wrong!

After the u/s appt was over, I had my monthly appointment immediately following it, where they confirmed that the baby looked as it should for this timeframe, and that because she was so active they had a hard time accounting for all her fingers and toes. The tech literally could not count each individual digit because of how active she was. Still, I'm not worried about her, and if she comes out with a finger or toe missing - then we'll count our blessings! Worse things could happen.

20 weeks - I <3 her so much already :)

Joel tried his best to cheer me up. Initially, I said that once we found out that we were, in fact, having a boy, that we would stop by Carter's on the way home so I could pick up some crab-themed outfits (Joel is from Maryland - the blue crab capital of the world! - and hence the baby's to-be theme). I just didn't have it in me to go to Carter's to shop for girl clothes, but Joel convinced me we had to. And as we walked into the store, there on a display table right directly in front of us was a little gift from God: little girl outfits with both crabs and fish all over them (Joel is a HUGE fisherman - he has his own fishing YouTube channel - and this was part of the fantasy of having a boy - so that he could be his daddy's fishing buddy. Yes I know girl's can fish too. But a fantasy is a fantasy.). I was SO happy! You have to realize that I've been in Carter's several times just fantasy shopping since we found out about the pregnancy, and I have NEVER seen these outfits there before. We literally bought every single thing that had a fish or crab on it for our daughter.

24 weeks

Now that more time has passed, and I've had the opportunity to do a little more shopping for the little lady, I'm much more excited about our future with her. She already has a nicely stocked closet filled with clothes, and I've been slowly buying diapers in all sizes. Plus, every single day the little lady is hard at work squirming around in there - and it's such a comfort feeling her movements throughout the day. Joel has not yet been able to feel her (I'm now 24 weeks) but hopefully it won't be long before he can!

What was your favorite part about being pregnant? What was your reaction when you found out what you were having?

The Positive Side to Pregnancy

2013-02-26T09:34:00.000-05:00

Now, there have been a few wins.

In terms of food, I went from not being able to stand chocolate of any kind, to eating it like I normally would (binging), and now I've progressed to eating it in moderation. Though, I'm still not overly crazy about chocolate like I once was. I would honestly be okay if this food aversion stuck with me post pregnancy - chocolate is a HUGE downfall of mine! While I'm not eating the best, most nutritious of foods, there are still a ton of foods that I simply cannot eat because they are unappealing, and thus would make me sick (french fries, greek yogurt, mac & cheese, chicken soup, granola bars, the list goes on!).

Another huge win - automatic portion control! I cannot overeat anything. I get too full too quickly. Not only that, but I'm pretty much satisfied once I've had a taste of whatever food I was desiring. I went through a phase with candy, mainly sour candy. As much as I love the sour taste of Sour Patch Kids or Sour Gummy Worms in my mouth, if I eat too many of them I'm sick. I have been on a huge candy/sweetness kick, but my body is definitely letting me know that despite what my tongue is desiring, my belly nor baby does not appreciate it!

Another example is that of Girl Scout Cookies. Joel brought me a box of Thin Mints, Tag Alongs, and Samoas. My pre-pregnancy self would have been shaking with anticipation of busting in to those puppies. But, I had 2 Tag Alongs as soon as I opened the box and that was enough for me. I even ended up not being able to finish the entire box of Samoas because I grew tired of them, so.... holy crap... I threw them away!! What a powerful feeling when you gain that kind of control over food - throwing something away that was once so incredibly desirable I couldn't WAIT to eat it! I find that with every single thing I eat I only want a small portion of it, then I'm done. This must be what it feels like for normal people when eating? I mean, I didn't have strong desires for the cookies and I didn't even want to binge on them. I just had a few and that was all I needed.

I truly, truly hope this, almost mindful, way of eating sticks with me post pregnancy.

Some other non-food related wins to being pregnant is what many people refer to as "nesting". I think that word sounds so idiotic. It's supposed to refer to the feelings you and your partner get when preparing for the baby - having a desire to clean and organize and just ready your home for the new arrival. When I think of "nesting", I think of the bird's nest that these little barn swallows would build every year on my parents patio - and it would cause a huge mess of both poop and nest debris! So how is that even related? Either way, I've been taking full advantage of these feelings to clean and organize our entire condo. And by clean, I don't mean simply vacuuming and dusting. I mean tearing every single inch of our belongings upside down and cleaning/reorganzing them! Goodwill has seen many-a-donation from us these days! We live in a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo that we rent. Since the baby is due June 22, and our lease is up June 15, we're just going to renew for another year to alleviate the added stress of moving pre-delivery. But, we've quickly learned how tight it's going to be to now have a third person with a third person's belongings in this space. It has forced us to get very creative with our organizational skills.

Another pregnancy win has been my desire to get creative and crafty. Since I've taken a temporary hiatus from nursing school, the amount of time I have available to me is glorious! I've always wanted to learn how to knit, and so I decided I wanted to make a baby blanket for the little one. With the help of my very special friend and neighbor, she kindly offered to teach me, and I've been well on my way to creating several squares for the blanket. Now, right now I've only learned the knit stitch - not purling - so I'm just doing a very basic and simple blanket for now. As time goes on I'd love to expand on this new craft and learn how to read a pattern, as well as purl, but I wanted to set the bar very low for this initial project :).

What were some positive experiences you had while pregnant? Also, do you have any must-have recommendations for a baby registry?

What I've Been Eating

2013-02-21T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today I'm going to talk about my eating habits since getting pregnant.

Now, you might think that since I've expressed so much worry about gaining baby weight, that I must be eating super healthy, remaining conscientious of every single thing I put into my mouth. Noooooooooooo.

It's not that I couldn't continue to follow Weight Watchers. In fact, my midwive encouraged it - saying I would just need to add a few extra Points to my day. However, this really has never been a possibility at all.

Since the very beginning of this pregnancy, I have had more food aversions than food cravings. At first, I lost a few pounds simply because I had the hardest time eating. Absolutely nothing appealed to me, and every. single. day. sucked. Trying to abide by Weight Watchers Points+ was my last concern. I knew I had to be eating something each day, and so I just ate whatever I could tolerate. Most of the time, they were not healthy choices I was typically accustomed to. Oatmeal? Forget it! Eggs? No thank you! Yogurt? Gag. Me. Now! Still, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for veering so drastically off my WW course. WW is practically all I've known for the last several years. To not be worrying about what food I ate next and how many Points+ it was felt foreign to me. I finally had to accept that the pregnancy was only going to be for 9 months, and not forever, and then I'd resume as normal.

I'm going to make a very obvious statement, but I believe sometimes people don't truly realize what they're saying. Every pregnant lady's journey is different, just like that of weight loss. So even if you and I both experienced the DREADFUL "morning sickness" throughout our entire pregnancies, what worked for you might not necessarily work for me and vice versa. When others have told me to simply "Just eat healthy and you'll be fine" I want to scream. It's not that simple for me. It's not that I don't want to eat healthy. I actually want to eat healthy now more than I did when trying to lose weight. I want to provide my child with the most optimal of nutrition. However, I am at the mercy of whatever my body can not puke up at this point, and that my friends, does not leave me with many options! So with that said, I'll continue...

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I detested food in general those first 3 months. I just did not want to eat but I knew I had to, not only for the benefit of the baby, but because not eating made the sickness even worse. I think those were the hardest moments of my life thus far. As I said before, there was so much change, overnight, that trying to adapt to those changes was really getting the best of me. I did a lot of crying because I felt so physically awful, and I just wanted it all to go away. I felt like a helpless child. In terms of food, I could hardly stand to pour myself a bowl of cereal without gagging, much less trying to cook any type of meal. Joel was unbelievably supportive, as was my workplace and friends and family. I am tearing up now just reflecting on those first few months. It was truly horrible for me.

Now, 5.5 months into this pregnancy, not much has really changed in terms of eating habits. While the intensity of my sickness has died down considerably, there are still many foods that gag me at the mere sight of them, much less smelling them cooking. Overall, the most consistent food group I've enjoyed while pregnant has been pasta. The pasta and red sauce just really seemed to soak up the sickness in my belly. My eating patterns have transitioned from force-feeding myself to finding one food that I currently enjoy, and thus eating it over and over and over again. Daily. I've done this with pasta, pizza, sauerkraut, and currently, Boston Market.

Having said all of that, I still struggle daily with every meal. For example, Joel made these delicious lasagna wraps last week that I devoured for dinner one night. He packed them for my lunch the next day. Then, everyday thereafter I toted that same container of lasagna wraps back and forth to the office. I had no desire for them at all after that. On Joel's days off, he will text me in the morning asking what I'd like for dinner. Even if I can manage to come up with something, by the time I get home and he's prepared it, I don't want it. It truly makes me feel terrible when this happens, and it's happened more times than not. He's just spent his precious time preparing a meal, and I just don't want it at all. The bottom line is, I've wasted so much food since being pregnant and I feel awful about it. I've wasted a ton of Joel's time, him spent preparing a meal that I ultimately cannot tolerate eating.

The bottom line is that food is more of a struggle for me than ever before. Yes, even pre-pregnancy. I know that God is going to continue to reveal all the reasons why me being a parent is part of His plan. I truly believe going through the pregnancy process is going to have many lessons learned in regard to my future weight loss journey. I thought my battle with food before was difficult. That was nothing by comparison!

Putting My Career Transition on Hold

2013-02-20T08:00:00.001-05:00

The other part of my not wanting children surrounds my career. I'm pursuing a new field of work, and the time it's going to take me to accomplish this goal is unknown at this point. What I do know is that it would've been a whole lot easier doing this without a child in the picture. Now, I just worry that I'll ever be able to finish at all!

Since 2010, I have been pursuing a second degree to become a nurse. I've already covered a lot of ground in this area, but I have a lot more left to go. I was excited to start at a new school in Fall 2012 and was highly motivated about getting my remaining courses knocked out. Then about 2 months into the semester I not only found out about being pregnant, but I was dealing with all day sickness. It was so hard to concentrate on school and devote the same level of time to studying that I was previously used to. I even failed an exam, which I had never done in all of my college career. I was able to finish the semester and pass my class, but I decided against signing up for the Spring. I was so stressed out last semester, I knew there was no way I could combat another one, especially not knowing if/when the sickness would end. I am honestly happy I've taken this semester off, but it was still a tough decision knowing I'd be setting my career dreams off even longer.

I know that plenty of parents out there are pursuing degrees and making it work. Still, my thoughts have always been why stress yourself out anymore than necessary? I am very desperate to make a career change because I hate my job so much right now. Thinking about having to stay in this field any longer depresses me. Still, I will now have another life I'm responsible for and I know I will have to do what it takes to provide for this child.

Some of my other reasons for not wanting to having children include the financial burdens and constraints, not wanting to give up my freedom, losing "Joel and me" time, fear of being a bad parent, fear of bringing a human into this world that seems less than ideal right now, etc etc. There are others but that is the gist.

Pregnancy and Weight Gain

2013-02-19T06:56:00.000-05:00

I want to step back and talk about why I didn't ever want to have kids, since it largely has to do with the topic of TBW.

Now, we all know that having children means gaining weight. Yes, there are those women who, days after giving birth, appear like they were never pregnant in the first place - I'm sure you know some of them too! But, I'm assuming that most of my audience has struggled with their weight. And for me, the idea of gaining weight terrified me, especially intentionally gaining weight. That is actually one reason (of many!) why I didn't/don't take birth control - it makes me gain weight. Still, even if I was able to reach my goal weight before having children, I don't believe my mindset would have changed on this matter, especially since I have other reasons besides weight gain as to why I didn't want kids.

Being pregnant when you are under 200 lbs is one thing. But being pregnant at 235 lbs was not exactly what I would call ideal. I was big to begin with, so now I'm going to get even bigger. Not only that, I had a lot of embarrassment surrounding being a plus size pregnant lady. For starters, how hard is it to find plus size maternity clothes? Sure, Motherhood sells them, but they aren't cheap! I had to drop a small fortune on a new wardrobe simply because I am a plus size pregnant lady. If I were smaller, I could have at least gotten away with Target Maternity clothes or another cheaper brand, but this is not my reality. So on the surface, another source of my pregnancy devastation was that I would be putting my body through a process that was not ideal for it at this weight. I guess what I'm trying to say is I owe more to my child than to have it develop/grow in an overweight body. If given the choice I would have rather been at goal.

Not only that, but because I'm already a bigger lady, is anyone ever even going to be able to tell I'm actually pregnant? At this point, I'd still say the answer is no. I know what my body looks like at 235, but now that I'm over 5 months pregnant I definitely can tell that my belly is a pregnant one. But to the people who don't know me.... can they tell? I doubt it. I'm sure they think I'm just another overweight woman. That does bother me, I have to be honest.

That is just how I feel about the process of being pregnant. But, what happens after I have the baby? How hard is it going to be then to lose the weight, not just the baby weight but the baby weight plus the initial weight I was trying to lose? Living where I do, I always feel stressed/strapped for time with a long commute and a 9 hr work day. I know it's going to be that much harder to make exercise and healthy eating a priority once the baby arrives. Can I do it? I hope so! I want to be able to do it so I can be the best version of myself so that I can be around long enough to enjoy my child and my life with Joel. Only time will tell.

Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 2

2013-02-15T09:18:00.001-05:00

By the time I could get rescheduled with my doctor, I was desperate for relief. I tried absolutely every morning sickness aid that was suggested to me, and the list was long:

1. Sea bands (2 different brands!)
2. Preggie pops
3. Saltines
4. Ginger ale
5. Eating before getting out of bed
6. Eating before getting out of bed while keeping my head on the pillow and my eyes closed.
7. Exercise - which actually helped. However, it was hard to motivate myself to get up and move when I felt like death.
8. Small, constant meals
9. Ginger candies
10. Ginger root
11. Hard candies (Jolly Ranchers, etc)
12. Peppermint candies
13. Toast
14. Chicken broth

Honestly - none of those worked for me, with the exception of the exercise. As soon as the exercise was over though, I was sick all over again. When I was finally able to see my doctor, she gave me a prenatal that had vitamin B-12, which is said to ward off nausea. It seemed to help at first, but maybe that was just a false positive, because eventually it didn't make any difference. My doctor tried to prescribe some medicine to me, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. She said my next best bet was to try Benadryl. Benadryl is the only thing that gave me any kind of relief! The relief was almost instant too and it was glorious when I could finally lay on the couch without a perpetual stomachache. Still, I'm not a fan of pumping myself full of medicine, so I tried to take it sparingly even though my doctor assured me it was safe.

I had my first ultrasound a few short weeks later to determine the due date of the baby. Even though I was certain on the date of conception, I couldn't remember exactly the date of my last period and that was info they insisted on knowing. By mid-November we knew we were due to have a baby by June 22, 2013!

Baby @ 9 weeks

Seeing the little kidney bean on the screen was miraculous. Everyone I know describes it that same way, but I guess I was still in such denial of being pregnant that when I first saw the little blob on the screen, with it's beating heart, I couldn't believe that was inside of me!

Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 1

2013-02-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

I found out I was pregnant on a Wednesday. By that Friday I had a doctor's appointment with my primary care physician just to verify the results (This probably seems odd in hindsight, but I really didn't know what I should be doing in this situation. Plus I have zero knowledge of the OB's in the area.) She confirmed the results, and basically stated that over-the-counter pregnancy tests are just as reliable as the urine tests they run in their office.

That afternoon Joel and I decided to tell both of our parents the news. Even though I would've only been about 6 weeks pregnant, we were still upset over it. We thought that by telling them and hearing their reaction, it might help cheer us up. Of course, they were both very excited and it did help us feel a little better about everything. In fact, both of us shared the news with many people straight away. I know that is a big, old pregnancy faux-pas because of the vulnerability of the fetus in the first trimester. However, I needed to talk about it. I needed to hear positive reactions and words of comfort to keep me going. Plus, my coworkers were beginning to question why I wasn't showing up to work. I don't regret doing this.

By the following Monday I was set to have my very first appointment with the OBGYN, but it got cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy. By this time, I was in full fledged "all day sickness" mode. There was no such thing as "morning sickness" with me. I attempted work for two straight days the following week and had to leave both days by noon. Fortunately, I can work at home. But for those who work jobs that don't allow that kind of flexibility, I don't know how you do it!

I literally felt like I was dying a slow death each day. The smell of most things nauseated me, and trying to find things to eat was a whole new challenge. The sight of ALL food gagged me. I had to go buy unscented body wash, hand soap and deodorant Joel had to take over laundry duty because I couldn't stand to smell the detergent. Even loading the dishwasher and seeing bits of food on the plates was enough to send me over the edge! (This is why I've been absent of comments from many of your blogs - reading about food - I could not take it! I even had to take about 2 months off from Pinterest because I couldn't bear seeing pictures of food on there!) I had a hard time showering - something about the water made me nauseous. Brushing my teeth.... oh Lord! I couldn't attempt that until at least noon every day because first thing in the morning was just asking for a disaster.

To say the least, I was in total disbelief that this was all happening, and so quickly at that. Literally, overnight, my world was turned upside down with the daily bouts of sickness and going to bed at 7 PM - I was having such a hard time processing it. I lost total control of everything - God was definitely testing us! Some things I found comfort in during that time was watching re-runs of Roseanne followed by Reba. That became my nightly routine! I also caught up on all the DVR'd episodes of 19 Kids and Counting - another show that comforted me. Also, Joel was so incredibly helpful and positive throughout the entire ordeal, I wouldn't know what to do without him!

A Pea in the Pod

2013-02-13T10:44:00.001-05:00

If you follow me on FB, then you might know by now the reason for my extended absence.

If not, here's the little gem of a story:

Back in mid-October, on a mild Monday morning, as I was sitting at my desk sipping a Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha (Kelly style), a sudden urge of nausea fell over me. (If you're a woman, you probably know where I'm going with this already. But rest assured, I did not know where this was going, I can tell you that!) The feeling eventually passed, though my appetite was definitely lacking as the day drew on. By Tuesday morning I called out sick from work, feeling even more nauseous that I did the day before. By Wednesday, I figured I was just battling a stomach bug, so I proceeded back to work, with absolutely no desire to start my day off with the Starbucks fall beverages. Obviously something was wrong with me - rarely do I ever turn down Starbucks OR food!

Since I was having a tough time eating/drinking, I decided to start myself on the BRAT diet. The whole wheat toast seemed to calm my stomach temporarily, but before too long I was back to feeling nauseated again. My boss inquired as to how I was feeling, and after explaining my symptoms to her, she said "Hilary, I think you might be pregnant."

Well, I was certain that I was not pregnant. I had been getting crampy just like normal, expecting my period to come any day now. Still, I don't use any form of birth control. (My reasons are my reasons - the end.) Joel and I have made it 5.5 years without one single scare. Regardless, the point is I don't use it, so to most it might be a no-brainer that I was pregnant.

What only Joel and I did know at that time was there was 1 scare on September 29. I just about ran to Walgreen's that day to pick up Plan B (for those not familiar, this is NOT the 'abortion pill'. - It's like a super birth control pill). Plan B, when taken properly, is supposed to be 95% effective.

However, as the morning went on at work, my mind started racing with the thoughts that I might actually be pregnant. I mean, Plan B is not 100%! So at lunch time, I drove to Walgreen's and bought 2 different brands of pregnancy tests. I took one immediately. At first I saw only one line and was so relieved. But by the time I washed my hands and was just about to pitch the test, a second, faint line appeared! I immediately starting bawling - I was in such shock!

Joel and I never wanted children. No, we weren't exactly doing much to prevent it, but it wasn't something we were actively trying for either. I quickly asked my boss if I could take off the rest of the day and I bolted out of the office. I dialed and redialed Joel's number numerous times to get him awake (he works nights), but he wouldn't pick up. By some miracle, he called me back shortly thereafter, saying he actually never heard his phone ringing but happened to notice a bunch of missed calls from me. I broke the news to him in sobs, only for him to respond in almost complete silence. We were both, to say the least, devastated.

To Be Continued.....

Before I end today's post, I'm going to stop right here and address this "devastation". I know there are judgmental eyes out there right now saying "You ungrateful so and so - I've been desiring pregnancy all my life and cannot get pregnant and here you are - complaining because you were able to conceive when you didn't even have to try!"

The truth is, I'm not ungrateful. I had a plan for my life that never involved children, and God quickly revealed to both of us that it's not our plan, but His. I am grateful for this blessing He has given us, but it took me a long time to absorb that. The point is, judge all you want to. For as much as you, or someone you know, desires to have children but has struggled with conceiving - there are others out there who have that same desire to NOT have children for many reasons. Now, I love kids. I grew up holding/caring for babies - I come from a family large enough that there is almost always a baby present in the clan. I'm great with children, in fact, because of this experience. However, we both knew that we didn't want children of our own.

One main reason for this should be obvious. I'm overweight. Having children means you gain weight - weight that I often hear is harder to lose post partem. I didn't need, nor want, childbearing to bog down my already struggling weight loss journey. Now, this is not the only reason for not wanting kids, but I can tell you where I was at in my life on September 29, 2012, this was a large reason for not wanting kids.

Made to Crave - Chapter 6

2012-09-28T22:49:00.001-04:00

Tonight I just finished Made to Crave! Finally! It was a 193 page book - it shouldn't have taken me so long to read it. But my excuse, as will continue to be for everything that I lack these days, is because of school. I wish I would have stayed more on track with the book so as to stay in the spirit of it all while I read it. Ah well. I'm finished and that's what counts.

Highlighted passages from this chapter:

"How do you grow closer to God?" "By making the choice to deny ourselves something that is permissible but not beneficial. And making this intentional sacrifice for the sole purpose of growing closer to God. After all, Jesus said, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"
"Yes, I want to lose weight. But this journey is so much more than just that. It really is about learning to tell myself no and learning to make wiser choices daily. And somehow becoming a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control. The fruit of the Spirit is a list of godly characteristics: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. In the end, pursuing self-control does help my heart feel closer to Jesus and more pure to receive what he wants for me each day...."
"....live with the willingness to walk away when the Holy Spirit nudges you and says, 'That food choice is permissible but not beneficial - so don't eat it.'"
Prayer to pray: "I need wisdom to make wise choices. I need insight to remember the words I've read in Scripture. I need power beyond what I can find on my own."
When the apostle Paul says in Philippians 3:18-19 that "'their god is their stomach', he means that food can become so consuming that people find themselves ruled by it. [....we find that certain foods are impossible to wlak away from - we can't or won't deny ourselves an unhealthy choice in order to make a healthier one - then it's a clue we are being ruled by this food on some level. Being ruled by something other than God diminishes our commitment and will make us feel increasingly distant from Him."

Chapter 6 was titled "Growing Closer to God". The reflection questions are:

1. What is your response to the idea that we grow closer to God when we deny ourselves something that is permissible but not beneficial? Have you ever had an experience of denying yourself that helped you grow closer to God? Do you believe this could be true for you in your battle with food?

I would definitely agree that we grow closer to God when we are sacrificing something that we've made a priority in our life. It makes total sense. I would say that people who experience addiction can attest to this. If you're trying to kick that habit (smoking, alcohol, drugs, food, whatever!), you know how incredibly hard it is, especially taking that first step. You need God's help to get you through those critical moments.

I cannot say I've had an experience where I've denied myself of something and it has resulted in a closer relationship with God. Though, that is what I have gotten out of reading this book. If I want to be truly successful at weight loss, I need to start asking Him for help - because I prove to myself almost daily that I'm not capable of doing it alone! By seeking His guidance, the relationship will flourish from there.

2. The apostle Paul lists self-control among the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Are there areas of life in which you experience self-control and feel that your self-discipline and wise choices honor God? For example, in your spending decisions or how you manage your time? What insights about your strengths in those areas might help you to honor God and grow in self-control with your food choices?

I have thought about this exact concept over and over in my weight loss journey. I am so disciplined with finances & concentrating on my studies, why cannot I not be that disciplined when it comes to weight loss? I don't live beyond my means financially. When school is in session, I don't procrastinate with studying. Why, when it comes to weight loss, can I not translate that same level of self control to my journey? I don't know!

The way I've approached school and money management is simple: I will not fail. I will not spend more than I make. I will not procrastinate/not do my homework. Failure to abide by my goals for those two things scares the crap out of me. Yet, with weight loss.... ugh. So, I know I have it in me to be disciplined. I know how to do it. I just have to figure out how to apply that to my weight loss journey.

3. Have you ever had the experience of the Holy Spirit nudging you in connection with your food choices? If so, what was that like? If not, how do you hope the Holy Spirit might help you now?

I think God is that little voice in the back of my head saying, "Hilary, you don't need to stuff your face with x, y and/or z." Yes, I know I've heard that voice many times telling me I didn't need more of what I was eating at the time. While there have been a few times that that voice was enough to stop me, sadly, more times than not, it hasn't.

4. As Christians, our calling - and our source of spiritual nourishment - is to do God's will and finish His work (John 4:34). To what degree have consuming thoughts about food impacted your ability to pursue your calling and receive spiritual nourishment?

I've definitely had days where I start off completely focused on my weight loss journey, ready to tackle the mountain of to-do's I have, and then something negative happens. This could be a stressful situation at work. A disagreement with Joel. Whatever the case might be - something goes awry. And then, sometimes, the way I deal with that negative emotion is to eat. Then everything quickly goes south. I can no longer focus on what I originally had planned to do that day because now I'm swimming in a pool of guilt for having just eaten away a day's worth, if not a week's worth, of Points. This is just a small example. I've had "fat days", where I just feel like such crap about myself, I cannot even get out of bed to go to work. Now, I try not to make a habit of this (for so many reasons!), but it has been known to happen on occasion. It's sad. And it is getting in the way of living my life to its fullest!

5. Would you say you are spiritually well fed, spiritually malnourished, or somewhere in between? Have you ever tried to use food to satisfy your feelings of spiritual hunger? What was the result?

I would definitely say I'm somewhere in between. I've definitely eaten out of all sorts of emotions on SO many occasions. And I'm doing that to try to find happiness. The result is the similar to the phrase "Money doesn't buy happiness". Well, food doesn't provide happiness either. It just digs that emotional hole even deeper.

6. If we find certain foods impossible to walk away from, this is a clue that we are being ruled by food on some level. Are there foods you can't or won't deny yourself in order to make healthier choices? Why are these foods especially important to you? What thoughts and feelings arise when you think about potentially giving them up?

My major problem is sugar. I love sweets. I've tried giving them up in the past and it does bad things to me. And what I mean by that is, I've given them up entirely with the hopes of losing weight. What ends up happening is that I just substitute one addiction for another. So while I've given up sugar, I end up consuming larger quantities of other things that I normally wouldn't. Then I really gain the weight!

One thing I have to come to terms with about one of the main points of this book is "deprivation". Lysa, in my opinion, says that if we deprive ourselves of certain foods, we then form a closer relationship with God (not automatically of course). That might be the case. I'm not opposed to a closer relationship with Him. However, I don't believe that that is the answer for me. Yes, I know I need to limit the quantity of food I eat daily. Yes, I do believe there are foods that I should cut out of my life completely because there is just no nutritional benefit to them. However, I don't want to give up sweets entirely. I just want to learn how to have them in moderation. I believe that God can help me achieve that as well.

I don't know why sweets are so important to me. When I think about giving them up for eternity, I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on some epic tasting food! Frankly, it just seems wrong to live without chocolate. I'm not even being funny! It's how I feel!

I just want to do the best that I can with what I've been given. And right now, I am fully willing to admit that I cannot go it alone.

Turmeric Roasted Cauliflower

2012-09-26T21:51:00.003-04:00

I have no doubt that my continued On Plan success this week has come from the aid of my husband in the cooking department. There is simply not enough time in my day to do all that I want to do, which includes cooking a healthy and full course meal each night. On weekends I typically do a slew of meal prep for the upcoming week, but September has completely devoured all of my weekends with weddings and other fun activities.

Tonight, Joel made one of my favorite meals in the pressure cooker. He used the sweet turkey sausage from Shady Brook Farms along with some broth, peppers and onions. Out comes a delicious hot sausage meal in, literally, minutes. That pressure cooker was one of the best things I've ever received as far as cooking tools. Meals are completed so quickly and easily and deliciously.

an old pic of these delicious sausages! (you can tell it's
mine since I don't eat peppers & onions :) )

In addition to the tasty meat came the side dish of turmeric roasted cauliflower - a veggie dish I most recently enjoyed at FitBloggin via the McCormick Spice experience. Anything that is simple and gets me eating veggies is a major plus to me. However, next time we are going to half the amount of olive oil and not include any salt. It was super salty and oily. I know that EVOO is good for us digestively speaking (helping us to absorb other nutrients more easily), but there was definitely too much oil for this Weight Watchin' gal.

I did finish off my day slightly over my DPT by 3 PP. I had a cup of chocolate milk after my dinner. I love milk so much and drinking it was totally worth it. It served as my dessert for the evening!

And after that very salty dish, it's just me and my Nalgene tonight!

FitBloggin' Recap Part 2 & Joel Does the Cookin'

2012-09-25T20:02:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a great On Plan day for me. I think what worked yesterday was just constantly keeping busy. I had my second A&P exam last night and I spent most of the day studying. {I ended up with a 'B', which is fine, but I was striving for an 'A'. Still, given my extremely busy social life these days, that 'B' is great!} Once I got home from taking the exam, I spent the entire evening playing with my new iPhone 5! It feels so good to finally have an awesome phone.

I talked yesterday about the abundance of new bloggers I met while at FitBloggin', and those I cannot wait to start following along with. I've updated my Blog Roll on the left to showcase those newbies.

Lauren @ Oatmeal After Spinning, Kelly @ No Thanks to Cake,
Ashley @ Coffee Cake & Cardio

Kenlie @ All The Weigh

Danielle @ Elley Exposed

Lauren @ Oatmeal After Spinning

Since this week will be far less stressful in terms of school and my social life, I know that I am on track to weigh in with a nice loss this week. The last 2 days have been rather easy for me on WW - no stress eating and just keeping busy. Eating out of boredom/emotion gets me every time.

Something else that has helped extraordinarily this week is handing over the cooking reigns to Joel in it's entirety and letting him do all of the meal planning/cooking. Oh, how the stress that has melted away is a remarkable feeling. I love cooking. I take pride in being able to "do it all", but I'm going to welcome this offer of help from him. Joel's meals are always simple and delicious, and he never ceases to abide by my WW needs. One of his awesome meals this week was a Zatarain's Reduced Sodium New Orleans Style Jambalaya (3 PointsPlus!!) combined with 3 Shady Brook Farms Hot Italian Turkey Sausage links. Amazing!

I'm moving in the right direction for a loss! I already have all of my breakfasts planned out for the week and added to eTools.

Thank you God for giving me such a loving husband!

FitBloggin Reflections

2012-09-24T23:05:00.000-04:00

From Thursday through Sunday of this past week, I attended my first ever blogging conference in Baltimore, MD. The name of the conference is FitBloggin' and it brings people together who care about being healthy. I learned a lot about the business of blogging, social media strategies and other morsels of the blogging lifestyle.

I also met a ton of amazing bloggers - those who I have followed for years and those who are brand new to me. The whole thing was rather surreal. Never in a million years did I think I would ever meet some of the bloggers I read daily, including Bitch Cakes, Roni, and Gina. On top of meeting some of my long time favorites, I also got to meet one of my new favorites, Kelly @ No Thanks to Cake. Still, there are so many others I cannot wait to add to my reader who seem to have such amazing stories that I know I can truly benefit from.

Bitch Cakes

Gina from Skinny Taste

Kelly!

One thing that became very apparent to me during this conference is that I need to bring The Big Weight back to what it's initial intent was: documenting my journey purely for my own benefit. While FitBloggin had so many informative sessions on the entire business surrounding a blog, I quickly realized that my intention for TBW (at this time, at least), is not to make a business out of her. I'm not writing for statistical purposes, i.e. gaining an insane number of webpage hits or being a Twitter/Facebook superstar. I started TBW so that I could document my weight loss journey to provide a way to reflect on what worked and what didn't.

I think that sometimes I've gotten caught up in wanting to write what "my readers" want to read and forgetting about the true purpose of TBW. I don't ever want what I write to lack authenticity. It's not about how many people are reading each post/tweet. It's about me finally losing The Big Weight and being able to have a way to reflect on this journey.

In the meantime, if I am able to inspire someone along the way - fabulous! - but my goal is to stay true to myself and true to the goal of TBW: lose the weight while learning more about myself each day!

Made to Crave - Chapter 5

2012-09-18T19:17:00.003-04:00

At this point, I am 2 chapters shy of finishing Made to Crave. I will provide a full review once it's over. While it is taking me awhile to complete the reflections, I'm glad I'm doing them. I know it's important for me to try every avenue at understanding my weaknesses when it comes to food. This is just another approach in that discovery process.

The title of this chapter was "Made for More". I highlighted several passages from this chapter that I found thought-provoking/inspirational and wanted to share.

Passage 1:
"We must ask God to join us in this journey. We need to ask God's wisdom, revelation and intervening power to be an integral part of our food choices from now on. Why not make this a daily prayer, first thing in the morning, before we've eaten a thing that day: 'God, I recognize I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. So, I keep asking for Your wisdom to know what to eat and Your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me.'"

Passage 2:
"The real reason for grounding ourselves in the truth that we are made for more is 'so that you may know him better'. The more we operate in the truth of who we are and the reality that we were made for more, the closer to God we'll become."

Passage 3:
"We would do well to pray for the eyes of our hearts to be enlightened to this hope and power. Too many times, we try to muster up the gumption to make changes in our lives on our own. It doesn't take long for the dark feelings of discouragement, disillusionment and defeat to fill our hearts."

1. "I was made for more" is a spiritual truth that unlocks great power for Christians. When you think of your past failures and your current struggles with food, how do you hope this truth might help you?
I think about this concept often. There are many days where I live in disbelief that I am still struggling with this overweight lifestyle. You know how when you're a kid, and you look up to those older than you thinking how smart they must be and how much they must know? I always used to think, "I can't wait until I'm an independent adult. I won't be struggling with my weight any longer. Finally, I will be in control of my own food choices and I will, at last, overcome this battle." It was as though, an older and wiser Hilary wouldn't be this weak and food-dependent. Yet, here I am, 28 years old, still fighting this fight. So yes, deep down, I know I was made for more than living like this. I cannot live the full life that God wants me to live if I continue to overeat and, thus, get down on myself. There are many life experiences that I have simply bypassed purely because of my weight. I. cannot. keep. doing. this.

2. When you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, how do you define yourself? By your family relationships (as a wife, mother, daughter, aunt)? By a professional title, or lack of one? By where you live or go to church? What might your introduction reveal about how you understand your own identity?
This question is quite appropriate, seeing as how I'm about to meet a bunch of people this weekend at FitBloggin' (which, by the way, I'm extremely nervous about it! How much of an imposter am I to be going to a FIT BLOGGING conference when I'm clearly no expert at losing weight. *sigh*) I think the answer to this question probably depends on the setting for me. In general, I think I probably tend to define who I am based on where I live. For the last 6 years, the center of my universe has been my pure distaste for living in the DC area. It's no secret to most that I absolutely hate living here. This city isn't me at all.

I would say after I describe where I'm from, my next avenue would be my profession. I'm not sure if this is a product of living in this highly competitive/political city, but it just seems to be a standard introduction to say what you do. It seems to be people's way of classifying you in their mind as worthy or not. Warning: there might be some bitterness coming through in that sentence.

Anyhow, sadly, despite the fact that I just got married, the last way I would use to define myself is that I am now a wife. Being in a relationship in this town seems to be looked down upon. Yes, I have some married friends. But I have just as many single friends too. And I've definitely heard those single friends say: "I cannot imagine being married right now. The fun would be all over." It's like I'm being judged simply because I've found my life partner.

So what does all of that say about how I understand my own identity? I think it says I need to re-evaluate what is truly important in life (i.e. being a wife, an aunt, a daughter), because that is what should define me. Not where I live. Not where I work. Not what grade I am on the G-S scale. Those latter things are superficial in my book.

How does all of that translate to weight loss? For me, I think it says that sometimes I want to lose weight for the wrong reasons. Yes, I want to feel better about myself and be healthy. But I cannot deny that I want to feel more accepted in this harsh, skinny-friendly world. I know I am judged on my weight more often than not. I try to overcome it by having a bolder personality and making jokes, but that can sometimes be a cover up. Anyhow... I need to stop and move on to the next question :).

3. Lysa describes how she once defined her identity by her circumstances: Lysa, the broken girl from a broken home; Lysa, the girl rejected by her father; Lysa, the girl sexually abused by a grandfather figure. Have you ever felt your identity was defined by your circumstances? If you were to describe your identity as Lysa did, what would be on your list?
-Hilary, the girl who has to live in this city that she hates because of her husband's financial obligations.
-Hilary, the girl who was made fun of in the girl's locker room in high school for being fat.
-Hilary, the girl who cannot live her life to its fullest because she's fat.
-Hilary, the girl who feels like she is never going to accomplish anything in life until she loses this weight, because only then will she know that she can do anything she sets her mind to.
-Hilary, the girl who can never seem to get anything right the first time and now has to return to school to pursue the career she truly wants to have.

4. Take a moment to review the following list of statements, inserting your name before each one. How does this understanding of how God sees you impact the circumstance-based view of your identity you listed in response to question 3?
-Hilary, the forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)
-Hilary, the set-free child of God. (Romans 8:1-2)
-Hilary, the accepted child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:2)
-Hilary, the holy child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
-Hilary, the made-new child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
-Hilary, the loved child of God. (Ephesians 1:4)
-Hilary, the close child of God. (Ephesians 2:13)
-Hilary, the confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)
-Hilary, the victorious child of God. (Romans 8:37)

Those sentences should be completely enough to negate all that I said in question 3. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. Yes, I should make a more consolidated effort to read the Bible, attend church regularly and pray more often in order to develop a better relationship with God so that I can free myself of those demeaning thoughts in question 3.

5. Refer back to page 51 or your Bible. Reread Ephesians 1:17-20 and reflect on the key themes of the passage using the questions below.

a) Be persistent: "I keep asking". Do you have any reservations about asking God for wisdom and power each day to help you on this journey? How do you hope persistent prayer might help you? My reservations from asking God for help on this journey is because I feel like He's got better things to do. People are dying from cancer. I am simply trying to lose weight. It's not the same. How can I whine about weight loss when much more serious things are going on in this world. I feel that my weight loss prayers are not worthy. I guess I would hope that persistent prayer might reveal to me that what I just said really isn't true. He cares about us all, regardless of the magnitude of our battles.

b) Embrace a true identity: "Glorious Father." With what untruths about your identity have you struggled? How might your life change if you could embrace the truth of your identity as a child of God? The untruths I struggle with are that I'm just always going to be this overweight person who cannot accomplish anything in life. And while, yes, I know I've accomplished some milestones in my life thus far, those seemed so easy compared to this journey. I think that my life would change in that if I truly had more faith that God would get me through this journey if I just asked, I would feel The Big Weight lifted from my shoulders.

c) Find the deeper reason: "So that you may know him better." How might God use your journey toward healthy eating as a way to help you get to know Him better? Oh I have no doubt that the goal of this journey isn't just to lose weight, it is to get to know Him better. I know that there is simply no way I'm going to accomplish The Big Weight without him. Plain and simple. The struggles I'm going through at this point can only be overcome by my asking for His help.

d) Discover a hope and power like no other: "That the eyes of your heart might be enlightened." To what degree do you feel like everything depends on you - your willpower and determination? A little, a lot? To what degree do you believe that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is also available to help you? A little, a lot? As you reflect back on each day, how will you know whether you relied on your own strength or leaned into God's strength? I do often feel like, because of what I said in question A, that I should be able to accomplish this weight loss on my own if I just had more willpower and determination. While deep down I should believe that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is the same power available to me, again, I don't feel like my measly weight loss issues are that worthy. I mean come on, Jesus died on the cross to save us all. I'm trying to lose weight so that I can have a better life. It doesn't seem comparable in the least! I think that if I can allow myself to start asking God for his help, regardless of the guilt I feel in doing so, that eventually I will just know deep down that my success is coming from His doing, and not mine. It's how I felt when God brought Joel back to me after the Terrible Awful. Believe me, nothing or no one could have changed Joel's mind when he walked out that door in February. But God did. I know that because I feel it deep down in my soul.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! :)