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Do you have kids? If you do, chances are you're doing it wrong, and we'll tell you exactly how. Maddox brings Helicopter Parenting, the phenomenon of over-parenting your children, thereby stunting their growth and leaving them unable to cope with life as adults. Did your mom do your laundry? Then she probably turned you into an entitled, narcissistic, additional buzzword about millennials, who can't even poop without looking up how to do it on YouTube first. Who do these helicopter parents think they are? Do they think they live in a world where more than 15% of children are victims of sexual assault? They are and they do. Go vote up first time child experts.

I bring in The Job Lynch Mob. It's one part thought-crime, another part outrage porn, shaken not stirred by ten thousand loudmouths with too much time and too little control in their hands. To listeners, I ask the question: can you think of a tweet that's so offensive it should cost someone their job? You personally. If you can, vote it down. To me, opinions are like buttholes. I want a good, long look at all of them--especially the gross ones.

Maddox ends the episode with another kind of hovering annoyance: Mosquitos. Easily the biggest problem on this list, mosquitoes are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths every year, the spread of dangerous diseases, and worst of all, waking me up buzzing in my ear like they own the place. Maddox claims we have the technology to end this menace once and for all, but it's being waylaid by something called "ethics". Go vote those up.

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4/20 is like a Festivus of running your mouth for the world's most annoying, academically-enlightened know-it-alls: libertarians and drug addicts. I manage to combine both in my problem of the War on Drugs. The war on drugs has failed on all fronts. It has not lessened drug use, addiction, or abuse. It has increased ten-fold the number of Americans in for-profit prisons, and it has bent minorities and Mexico over and ducked them up the ass. The only thing the war on drugs has succeeded in doing is making mushrooms extremely difficult for me to find even though I promised these chicks I would get them some last weekend, so what am I supposed to do here?

Maddox brings in The Golem Effect because he really loves Lord of the Rings. Nerd! The Golem Effect is the phenomenon of lower expectations resulting in lower performance. In a way, Maddox is right. Samwise expected Golem to be a dick, and he was a dick. But in another way, Maddox is wrong because Golem was always a dick and had dicketry in his heart--even way back in the director's cut when Smeagol kills his Hobbit friend to get the Ring of Power in the first place. That's why the ring was able to corrupt him so completely and not Frodo, because he was a dick. Also, he talked like an asshole. Vote up Golem.

I bring in Ducking Autocorrect. Have you ever messaged your mom for sex or texted your girlfriend that you can't wait to get at her Holocaust after work? Have you ever used four "ha's" when you only meant to use three? You probably have if you use the half-broken technological piece of shot known as autocorrect. Autocorrect is like that one relationship you suspect you'd be better without, but it would take so much work to find out for sure. And by "that one" relationship I mean all relationships. Ducking relationships!

The episode ends with Maddox doubling down on his Dick vs. Dick in a real auditory bloodbath. The controversy probably won't be solved in this episode, but it raises the question, who is best suited to explain what I meant 8 years ago with my brazen and future-predicting 14-word Trump joke within the first 4 pages of my book? It's clearly not me. Possibly the only two men can interpret it are my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, or the man himself, Donald Trump.

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Welcome to the big one folks. The big 100. We've got songs, gifts, celebrities, and a bombshell problem from Sean, but first, we kick off the celebration with a scintillating argument about politics, race, and gun violence. Scintillating means "makes you want to kill yourself", right? Then Maddox treats us to the worst Dick vs Dick in the history of the show, reaching back 8 years into the past and pulling probably the least contentious passage from my man-sterpiece Men Are Better Than Women, also on sale, and shoving it in my face. I don't know where explaining someone's own book to them falls on the mansplaining man-mometer, but I bet it's pretty high! Go vote up Maddox!

Maddox brings in Asteroids and claims you have a higher chance of being killed by an asteroid than attacked by a shark. The math doesn't lie! We each propose radically different solutions to the asteroid problem. Maddox proposes defunding Planned Parenthood and forming a new world government ruled (presumably) by him, and I want to know when the rioting and looting starts. Come to think of it, those are our solutions to every problem. Go vote up sharks!

Sean finally brings in his long teased problem. It feels like a spoiler to even reveal it in this post, so I'll just say this: if you want to avoid any spoilers, IT'S ADDICTION. Screw you. Go vote up Spoiler Cry Babies.

I round out this mega-episode with a problem that has vexed man since the beginning of time. Women! I'll take my chances with the asteroid thank you very much.

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Maddox starts the episode with Facebook Video. It's rare when a company can screw over their platform's content creators, advertisers, and users all in one stroke; but that's just what the talented folks at Facebook Video are doing--cramming autoplay videos into your feed like they're shoving a big blue thumb up your ass, screwing advertisers outside the box with 3 second ad "plays", and profiting from out of control piracy. There's no joke on that last one because it isn't a joke and I don't see how these guys don't have the hipster sued out of them. There's a solution for next month: Class Action Lawsuits. Screw Facebook Video.

Asterios breaks bad with his problem of Political Satire. I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I'm pretty sure he's saying that John Oliver is a sanctimonious, disingenuous, pandering shill with a message crafted only to turn his followers into smug, parroting advertisements for his garbage show and garbager Drumpf hats, but I may have misinterpreted some parts. Political satire has become a toothless tiger, a shameless and calculated alchemy of outrage porn and marketing demographics that is as cloying as it is cloistering. Instead of an agent of change, it's become an opiate for the disenfranchised, the closed-minded and the self-congratularati. But maybe Asterios is wrong. After all, it is it's 2016! Vote it up.

I round off the episode with Banging Your Funny Bone. That's the only bone in the world no one wants banged. Vote it up!

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Maddox brings in Homes for the Homeless. It's the novel idea that homelessness can be fixed by giving houses to homeless people. What's next? Giving food to the foodless? Activism to the Slacktivists? Genitals to the Female Genital Mutilateds? Despite my complaining, Maddox insists the program works in Utah, so if you're homeless and reading this on a jack off machine at your local library, get your ass to Utah.

I bring in Online Trackers, specifically the Pizza Tracker. Soap and online pizza tracking is what makes the difference between civilization and total barbarism. Name something that cannot be tracked. I dare you. Then go vote it up as a solution.

Maddox brings in Pragmatism. Things like putting garbage in your freezer so it doesn't stink up your house; and carrying multiple wallets in case one gets stolen; and donating clothes to Goodwill instead of throwing them directly into the garbage. These are the hallmarks of a genius and also a pragmatist. Do you do something weird? Turns out you might just be a huge pragmatist. Go vote it up.

We finish the episode with Advertising and get a rare look at why Maddox doesn't want ads on his website. If you're interested in that kind of thing, and want to prove that advertising is indeed a problem, don't just vote it down, also purchase this ad-free bonus episode.

Start the countdown and call in with your worst impressions. The 100th episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe is just eight days away!

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I bring in Road Blockheads. Those morons who block the freeway for reasons of love, hate, or the love of hatred. As far as I'm concerned, if you block the freeway for any reason other than "I screwed up", you've just declared a one-man personal Purge on yourself. Waze should award Road Munchies for running these jerks over. Remember, civil disobedience is still disobedience!

Maddox brings in Murderers. Charles Manson, OJ, Albert Fish, Hitler, each a more terrifying murderer than the last. But what about Planned Parenthood? Where do they fall on the scale? I'll let you hear how the rest of that conversation goes. Does Maddox murder his own problem? Or does he hit it and acquit it? Only the voting will decide.

I bring in Acne. If you voted down Living With Your Parents, and a lot of you did, something tells me you're going to vote this one up. I had acne as a teenager--and also last week...It sucks and no amount of lifting in the world will get rid of it. Vote it up unless you're too busy applying 3 billion dollars of rip-off creams to your open face wounds.

Maddox presents Junk in the Trunk, and he's not talking about having a fat ass--something that everyone pretends is attractive for some reason. He's talking about having a bunch of garbage in your car. We all do it, and apparently it's a huge waste of gas and deepening America dependence on foreign oil. Just how much gas are we wasting? Is it 100 pounds? Because that's the only number I retained from the presentation.

Tune in next week for our 99th episode and ensuing debate over, "What is a murder?" That seems about right for this show.

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Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase.

This episode, I bring in Decision Fatigue, the #1 cause of "can't even" syndrome. According to my research, having too many choices makes you fat, stupid, worse at making decisions, and makes everything in life lamer. Those are the same reasons that public services announcements give to not do drugs. If you're thinking of voting this election season, think of the effect all that choice will have on your overall happiness. Play it safe and stay home.

When you choose, you lose.

Maddox brings in Overpopulation Alarmists with the merciless take-down of 18th-century philosopher Thomas Malthus that you're going to have to hear to believe. Among other things, Malthus didn't predict the agricultural revolution and the fundamental change it would bring to sustainable levels of human civilization. What an idiot! Thomas Malthus would be pissing his pants in his grave right now if he wasn't too dumb to even do that right. Malthus got a lot of things wrong -- however, when pressed for the actual number of humans Earth could support between 7 billion and infinity, Maddox was stumped. I've seen The Price is Right. You can't give no answer on the Showcase Showdown.

I also bring in Bits, and the scientifically supported theory that people who compulsively joke and make puns suffer from brain damage. Comedy bits? More like bits of your brain are screwed. If you know someone who jokes compulsively even when you're trying to talk to a girl and even when they aren't funny, don't just stop hanging around that person and talk crap about them on your podcast, get them the medical help they need. From what I've learned in cartoons, the only way to fix brain damage is with another, more severe blow to the head.

Maddox brings in Prank Bros and shows a series of Internet "prank" videos that are either felonies or obvious fabrications, depending on how tall your soap box is. I think kids throwing milk around a store is hilarious, but as my previous problem showed, I have serious brain damage. Vote with your gut on this one, not your brain, and whatever you do don't think too much about it. It will make you fat.

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Maddox brings in ADHDD, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. The extra D stands for DBPP or Diagnoses By Parent. The extra P is a typo. Millions of kids have ADHD. Does that mean their brains are fundamentally broken and ill-equipped to function in society without drugs? Big Pharma would like you to think so. Big Psychiatry wants you to think that these kids just need someone to talk to. My parents solved problems by making me run laps.

DJ Tim Changzzzzz brings in Haters and if you can figure out why he thinks this is a problem, you should probably get yourself on some Ritalin because you have some serious ADHD. Predictably, Tim is light on stats, but heavy on showmanship, a socially acceptable version of nonsense.

I bring in Poor Gym Etiquette, which might as well have been in another language. Maddox insists that gym goers do not suffer from jerks talking too loud; doofuses spitting in the drinking fountain; ball goblins using the bench press for 2lbs triceps kickbacks; horny penis weasels cuddling and smooching and acting like they're at a drive-in; semen wizards stealing your 15-pound weights when you're in the middle of a workout; and human jackass employees acting like missing equipment is a mysterious act of God that they'll pray comes to an end instead of something they should be trying to fix instead of texting their wannabe DJ friends. Maybe this isn't a problem at places like Curves, but I wouldn't know because they have a restraining order against me.

Finally, our fan Dr. Smooth Rod sends in some fake money for Maddox's fake wallet. For more information on this #lifehack, check out this month's bonus episode for $1.33. We accept Maddox bucks, but they have to be delivered to us in the decapitated head of your greatest enemy

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In this episode, we receive gifts in the form of brownies and cookies and, as per my request, fan Daniel Heggie immortalizes one of my epic rants in an experimental form of jazz hands that he calls "Australian Sign Language". Take a look at it below, and make sure you tell Daniel how boss his hair looks even if you don't really think so.

I start the episode with Bumper Stickers. Imagine everything you would never ever say in polite conversation: how many kids you have; who you support for president; preachy, virtue-signaling platitudes; the N-word. Well, with a bumper sticker, you can say all of that and more for low, low price of your dignity. Bumper stickers are the presumptuous Alamo of our modern age. Did you forget what a tremendous prick I am? Don't worry, I taped it on my crap-mobile. Remember my bumper sticker.

Maddox brings in Bottled Water. Sure, estrogen-leaching, masculinity-eradicating BPA chemicals are bad and everyone agrees that the idea of water being more expensive than gasoline is farcical and inhumane, but what's the alternative? Drinking out of the toilet? Gross. According to Maddox, Pepsi has declared war on free tap water. Maybe they should declare war on medicine-y aftertaste because Pepsi sucks.

I bring in Sleep Deprivation. Not only can it make you fat, stupid, depressed, ugly, and dead, but it can also make you fall asleep while you're trying to eat a girl out. I can't speak from personal experience because I don't do that sort of thing, but I heard about it from a guy.

Maddox ends the episode with Twitter. What is there to say about an industrialized social media juggernaut that connects millions of people across the world and sublimates consumer media into an interactive experience unifying technology and communication in a single hive consciousness? How about, there aren't enough characters. If you agree, #voteitup #YOLO #blessed #Trump2016

And don't forget to check out this month's bonus episode for $1.33!

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Maddox brings in Steam Engines. If you think that's a good solution, I guess you'll also have to vote up Time Travel so you can go back to 1885 and board a steam locomotive to Syphilis Town, because those are the only steam engines I know about! Maddox alleges that most power on Earth is generated by steam engines, including coal and nuclear power. All I know is, if steam power is so ubiquitous, why aren't we all walking around in top hats and brass codpieces and XXL corsets, trying to hide our online fursonas? Steam punk is stupid and so is steam.

I bring in a fan solution brought to you by Weird Matthew McConaughey: Tapping Your Pocket to Make Sure Your Wallet is There. It's a solution that was invented immediately after the pocket and is used hundreds of times a day by every man on Earth. If you don't think it's the biggest solution in the universe, try going a day without it. By the end of the day, you won't even know if your dick is there.

Maddox brings in Deworming Pills, a solution that affects dogs and humans alike. Did I say humans? I meant humans in the third world. Worms have been shown to dramatically reduce test scores and literacy rates, and also statistically increase the chance of being full of gross parasites. Africa doesn't need $100 laptops and shoes with emojis on them. They need deworming pills--as sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.

Finally, my solution of batteries is sure to take home the gold this week. Imagine a world without batteries. Vibrators, remote controls, and pagers, all of the things most essential to daily life would be merely a fevered dream of a syphilitic, parasite infested maniac.

Tune in next month when we discuss a big announcement on tomorrow's podcast!

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I bring in the problem of Food Waste. Did you know one out of four calories produced in the world go straight into the trash? If only the same could be said of Tumblr posts, "think pieces", and celebrities. The world would be a much better place. It's even worse in the United States, where 30-40% of the food supply is wasted. If only the same could be said of my state of inebriation. The world would be a much better place.

Recently, France passed a law preventing supermarkets from disposing of perfectly good food that looks a little screwy, and then doing stuff like dumping bleach on it to make it inedible for the homeless and destitute. I'm all for a good prank, but even as a libertarian, I can say that that is a questionable use of bleach.

Robin Higgins is back with the steamy problem of No One Teaches You How To Have Sex Good. She's right, but I don't know if we solved her problem this episode. Robin presents some great advice like don't do any bits during sex and why do I hate women? She also brings in an idea for a "boring porn" that would serve as an instructional video and teach us all how to have sex more good. Also, I offer to electronically screen potential gentleman suitors for Robin this Valentine's Day. Hit me with your best lines. Be creative. I've heard and said them all.

Maddox ends the episode with Q-Tips. According to half of the people on this podcast, Q-Tips are cotton swabs you use to clean your ears. According to the other half, they're titillating sticks of sensual pleasure that ride your earhole g-spots into a world of addicting ecstasy. I'm not exaggerating. Maddox says that Q-Tips are dangerous to use and that having wax in your ears is good for you and part of the body's natural defenses against things like germs and dust and assholes who disagree with you. I have no idea if this is true. If you're a doctor, please reach out via email. This might be the most important consultation you've ever weighed in on. If Maddox is right, I have several hundred Q-Tips I need to throw away and then pour bleach on. I don't want any homeless people getting addicted to pleasuring their earholes with fuzzy sticks.

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