The Authorised Version

The Monster Book of Dynamically Managing Religions in a Dynamic Way

2005-09-29T20:38:00.000+00:00

1.1 And Lo! his Holiness JABITheW saw the post of Ye Holy Prophet Rasmusfribble, 1.2 who thinks too of ye holy Profits* 1.3 and saw that it was good. 1.4 And he too thought about increasing Ye Holy Market Appeal.

2.1 It came to his attention that many religions have their commandments carved in stone on public buildings, 2.2 where they do not belong, 2.3 and with Billslam being a Dynamic Religion, 2.4 this creates unnecessary End User Cofts. 2.5 Thus, JABITheW declared that Bill declared 2.6 that it is only necessary to put the commandments that you like 2.7 on these displays. 2.8 The only Commandment which Bill requires to be displayed is the primary and most important commandment in Billslam, 2.9 the 12th Commandment, 2.10 42.

Glory be to the Wisdom of Boll.

*I am truly sorry, but I was sorely tempted by...erm...He Who Tempts, and I am but a man. Except when it suits me better to be something else. Bill forgive me.

The Monster Book of Market Research

2005-09-29T18:47:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1
¹And but thusly lo! the Bill did make his convoluted entrance unto the World ²in order to see how His religion fared ³compared to its main rivals ⁴in particular, that pesky Jesus chap. ⁵And lo! his findings were bad indeed. ⁶For he determined that many viewed His religion as having a ⁷"disreputable lack of reputable religious reputation" ⁸unlike others. ⁹That, and other religions have permanent special offers on.

Chapter 2
¹For it was discovered that many were becoming "born-again Christians" ²in order to have two birthdays. ³Plus, Christianity was up on Billslam by 50% ⁴with regards to blatent contradictions in the Holy Book, ⁵and was also winning on ye "Distribution of Alcohol during Religious Ceremonies". ⁶Plus, many people mistakenly believed that because of ye Holy Trinity, ⁷Christianity was up 200% on Billslam with deities.

Chapter 3
¹So lo! did the Bill put an advert on ITV ²(and that sentence is not a question, even though it begins with "did"), ³in which he announced the following: ⁴"Lo! I remind thee that the Bill hath three Forms: ⁵the Father, the Scone and the Holy Jam. ⁶Or something like that. I can never remember. ⁷Secondly, I announce that Billslam now offers you ⁸as many birthdays as you like! ⁹As well as ye Booze at ceremonies etc." ¹⁰And then did the Bill commission a design company ¹¹to redesign his Logo ¹²for ye Ridiculously Vast Sum of Money. ¹³And the result was a small, blue square.

Chapter 4
¹And but thusly lo! the Bill most certainly did not make his convoluted entrance unto the World ²in order to see how His religion fared ³because He certainly wouldn't compare it to its main rivals ⁴in particular, not that pesky Lionel Blair chap. ⁵Plus, Bill made both Animals and Man first, ⁶but not at the same time. ⁷Women are quite clearly inferior. ⁸Women are quite clearly not inferior.

⁹Thusly was the contradiction deficit sorted, ¹⁰and the great Fribble was rewarded for his efforts with ye Manna ¹¹in the form of Lasagne?

Ancient Sciences
In the beginning...

Scousers III

2005-04-24T16:05:00.000+00:00

1.1 Lo, one day, HH JAB recieved news that a new rival had been appointed. 1.2 And so he sought to commune with God, 1.3 to decide his course of action.

2.2 'Oi, God!' he called, and lo! Boll responded to his cries. 2.2 'Yes?' spake he, the benefits of being a follower of Billslam being evident. 2.3 'Do I have to join the Hitler Youth?' JAB asked. 2.4 'Erm...no. At least, I don't want you to. If you really want to then I suppose you could,' replied Boll. 2.5 'Excellent,' continued JAB, 'and do I have to defend Munich with an anti-aircraft gun?' 2.6 'Do you have an anti-aircraft gun?' queried Boll. 2.7 'No, I do not,' proclaimed JAB. 'Nor can I easily reach Munich.' 2.8 'Then I suppose it's unreasonable to ask you to do that,' decided Boll.

3.1 'But Lord, things being impossible has never been a boundary to the imposition of commandments telling you to do them anyway!' despaired JAB. 3.2 'While this is true, my Sort-of-Son, 3.3 it is also true that the Faithful usually interperet such commandments as metaphorical, or even insignificant, 3.4 and then go and eat bacon anyway. 3.5 What I need is a commandment that is inconvenient and irritating, 3.6 but not so inconvenient and irritating as to be worth breaking.' 3.7 And JAB was awed by the magnificent wisdom of the Bill. 3.8 'My Lord, why not command the faithful to wave at airplanes in reading rather than shoot them down over Munich?' 3.9 'Inconvenient, irritating and disruptive,' pondered Boll, '3.10 but not to the degree that it can be considered metaphorical. 3.11 I like it!'

4.1 And thus it came to pass that the faithful shall not join the Hitler Youth 4.2 and must wave at passing aircraft whilst in Reading, Berkshire, England. This shall be the 17th commandment.

furhter Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

Mancunians I

2005-03-27T18:52:00.000+00:00

1.1 It came to pass that some of the Faithful had asked their High Priest to explain the existence of their God, and lo, His Form. 1.2 And so JABITheW led them all to a distant corner of the Web, and begged for peace. 1.3And thusly he spake:

2.1 Praise be to the Bill, our Lord and God! 2.2 Praise be also to his almighty indefineability! 2.3 For lo, he comes to the people in Three-and-a-half forms. 2.4 Firstly, was and is the Holy Spirit. 2.5 Then was and is the Father, 2.6 then the Human Incarnate and finally the Jam.

3.1 And we, the Faithful, should Be weary of naming, 3.2 lest we be disrespectful of our God. 3.3 Thus, the Holy Spirit shall be called the Spirit Which Is Holy, 3.4 The Father shall be known as the Sort-of-Father, 3.5 The Human Incarnate shall be the One Known as Boll or Boll and 3.6 the Jam shall be known as the Jam. 3.7 Lo, the Jam shall not be confused with the Other Jam(rock band). 3.7 Together, they shall be called The Bill.

4.1 Behold, I teach you the Meanings. 4.2 The Father shall be called the Sort-of-Father, because The Bill takes divine precautions*. 4.3 Thus he is not biologically speaking the father of anyone. 4.4 He remains the guardian and creator of all that we see, in an ineffable sort of way. 4.5 Thus he is the Sort-of-Father. 4.6 Hence the half.

5.1 The Spirit Which is Holy is an Umbrella Term. 5.2 Thus the Spirit Which is Holy can include any manner of alcoholic drinks 5.3 and even beverages, 5.4 up to and excluding 90% proof Polish Vodka, 5.5 which is an Unholy Spirit.

6.1 The Human Incarnate, or Boll is the human we see walking the streets of Reading. 6.2 He is a human manifestation of the greater devine power known as the Bill, 6.3 sent to experience our sins, though not necessarily suffer from them,* and dandruff.

7.1 The second earthly manifestation of The Bill is the Jam. 7.2 The Jam cannot fight against consumption, 7.3for if it could, then it would not truly be Jam. 7.4 Hence God could not be incarnate in Jam. 7.5 So God is restricted by his Jam form, 7.6 much as he is restricted by his human form. 7.7 He gains the power to become mouldy at the drop of a hat, 7.8 cure scurvy and 7.9 give indigestion.**

8.1 So ended the lesson.

*Always use a condom
**"Lo! The Unbeliever cannot eat the Divine Jam without a Dose of Ye Holy Gaviscon?" The Prophet Rasmusfribble

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Holy Insight

2005-03-15T19:57:00.000+00:00

And Lo! The Bill hath discovered a way to live forever. This, he hath decided, shall be made known unto only the most devout of Disciples. Otherwise, thought He, the phrase "population problem" would verily take on a new Meaning. Also it must be performed with the Divine Precision that only Boll can muster, for it causes cancer if improperly administered. Also, because The Bill is an exceptionally annoying Deity, He shall speak no more of it at this time.

Now, said He, back to coursework.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Coursework Evasion (The Monster Book of Insults)

2005-03-13T20:49:00.000+00:00

1.1 And it came to pass, 1.2 that the High Priest JABITheW did notice that there had not been any updates to the Billble, 1.3 yea even for weeks or millennia, 1.4 which may be deemed to be the same in the eyes of The Bill. 1.5 So he followed the advice of one of the Faithful, 1.6 who serve Boll mightily with their faith, 1.7 and he waxed wroth 1.8 at great length, 1.9 as should all of the Faithful, 1.10 when they are avoiding Physics coursework.

2.1 And he waxed wroth of the listeners of hip-hop, 2.2 even unto the listeners of rap, 2.3 R&-not-really-B, 2.4 even unto the listeners of Dance, Trance and other Drum’n’Bass combinations, 2.5 who irritate him greatly with their moronic shallowness, 2.6 and lack of creativity.
2.7 He waxed wroth further on the Coverers of Pink Floyd, 2.8 for there is a special circle of Double Physics set aside for them, 2.9 even unto the Coverers of Led Zeppelin, 2.10 the Coverers of the White Stripes, 2.11 the Coverers of the Who, 2.12 the Coverers of the Clash 2.13 and finally unto the Coverers of AC/DC, 2.14 except Hayseed Dixie, who amuse JAB greatly.
2.15 He waxed wroth on the creation of Generic Pop Bands (© Very Very Big Inc. 2005), 2.16 who serve no purpose. 2.17 He waxed wroth on the need for stereos with treble, 2.18 for bass on its own does not constitute music, 2.19 it is only choons. 2.20 Hence, JABITheW decreed a further commandment: 2.21 16. Thou shalt not remix classical music. 2.22Thus ended his musical wrath.

To be continued…[H.H. The High Priest JAB]

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Buddy Holy

2005-01-17T16:33:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1
¹And lo! the Bill did examine his Religione's coffers. ²And he saw that it was bad. ³"Lo," ⁴he did declare, ⁵"how can I spend the Holy Dosh on frivolous Items for Myself if there is no Holy Dosh to spend?" ⁶And lo! he took several Caffeine tablets ⁷before submerging to the horrid, dank depths of his expenditure reports. ⁸And yea, wast it declared that the main cause of expenditure ⁹(other than purchasing Caribbean islands and Fabergé eggs) ¹⁰was maintaining the high level of Holy Reporting/Random Scribbling found in the Billble. ¹¹"Hear all men, that I shall reduce Ye Journalism budget from this moment forward." ¹⁶said the BIll. ²⁷"Ande thusly shalle I I Revert ye Contentexs of YeH oly Coffers to att least Bengal Tigere purchacing levele.

Ye Shocking
The Daily Billble denounced this as "Ye Shocking". Said ye editor, Thomas Aqwhineas, "Phhhwoooar, less talk, more pictures. Sounds good to me." Said ye Thomas Thumb from the Sporte departmente, "Yer 'aving a laugh, aintcha?" Said ye random bloke off Ye Streete for ye Padding purposes, "Scuse me, did you see who nicked me raincoat? I swear I was wearing it a minute ago" before splashing off down the street.

Chapter 3
¹"Nooooooooo!" ²Thusly did the Bill cry out in agony, for his greed had created a Monster. ³And lo, was the budget reverted. ⁴And the moral of the story is, money is the object of the Devil so praise Bill for bankruptcies.

(Ye P.S.- And High! The Lo Priest JABITheW did edit out all the crap in the book, leaving a gaping hole.)
[Erm...no, I didn'teth? His Holiness JAB.]

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Holy Boredom

2004-12-26T21:48:00.000+00:00

And Lo! The Bill was exceptionally bored upon an Evening. Inspired by the sublime gameplay of Jedi Outcaste, Boll did decide to build Himself a Lighte Sabre. This was to be done via Wave Interference. The Instructions proceeded thus:

Around the end of the Handle, place several Emitters. The Emitters alternate between being on the Rim, and being set back from it by half the Wavelength of the Color of Lighte that is to be used. They are all focused on a particular Point - the End of the Blade.

As all the Beams of Lighte reach this End of the Blade, Wave Interference will destroy them, and thus will the Lighte Sabre be created.

Clearly, the Beams must be of significant Power if they are to be of such uses as Dueling and Cutting Through Every Known Substance. Thus, I Propose that we breed a minature race of Cats, to enclose in special gyroscopic (so that they are always falling downwards) Batteries to give Power to the Lighte Sabre.

This shall be the Weapon of Choice among all Followers of Billslam.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of the Day of Miracles

2004-12-08T21:38:00.000+00:00

1. Lo, it came to pass, that a member of the faithful was complaining about religious instruction. 2. They objected to the notion that God wasn't taking score. 3. Promptly, the Prophet/High Priest JABITheW threw the Holy Bill a Pen, with which he might keep track of wrong-doing. 4.And lo, points were awarded. rasmusfribble and JABITheW gained points for visiting pret, 5.which rasmusfribble lost due to use of a not-word. 6. JABItheW called unto Bill, who awarded him a pointfor founding Billslam. 7. And another one for criticising France. 8. And so, the Priestess Ynfynyty had also gained a point, 9. for correcting the Prophet rasmusfribble, 10. but lost it for objecting to the Bill's pervyness. 12. rasmusfribble also had earned no points in Bill's eyes. And then a time of miracles occured.

12. The Holy Bill challenged his faithful to demonstrate quantum tunneling, by which they could walk through walls. 13. After having assured himself that the Holiest of Bills had not said quantum tonguing, 14. in his divine sordidness, 15. the High Priest JABITheW walked out of the room through a wall.

16. Lo, he did cry, I have fulfilled the challenge you have set me, 17. so award me with loads of points as promised, oh Lord! 18. And Bill did reply, you used the door. 19. But the unfaithful did cry, 20.He hath done as thou challenged. 21.Now bestow upon him the Holy Points. 22. And the Holy Bill did say, Your judgement is true, but I did not specify the value of 'loads'. 23. In this case, I judge 'loads' to be one.

24. And so the ineffable wisdom of Bill is seen, 25. to reward the cunning of followers, 26. but not cheekiness.

27. Also specified by the High Priest JABITheW was an ammendment to the Monster Book of Delocalised Pie. 28. A new commandment shall be added, 29. "14. Thou shalt not wax thy God." 30. Praise be to the Glory of Bill.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

Boll's first Stroke of Genius

2004-11-23T21:12:00.000+00:00

And lo! The Bill was in conversation with a certain David, whom the Fribble will recognise from his Handshakes. And David did come up with an Idea, which the Bill did extend. It did proceed thus:

Cats always land on their Feete. This well known Facte is crucial. Ye strappeth two of them Backe to Backe and let them fall. Because if they hitteth the Ground it would createth a Paradoxe, they never hitteth the ground but spinneth above it, as each Cat tries to get its Feete on the Ground. At this pointe, ye simply connecteth a Turbine Shafte and allow the Cats to drive a Generator.

Further to this Plan, enclose the Cats in an opaque Boxe. Ye shall have to consider the Cats as being both Dead and Alive at the same Time. Thus, even though ye shall only garner half the Energy, ye shall not have to pay Maintenance (Food and Drink) or Replacement Costs on the Cats.

Thus the World's Energy Problems shall be solved.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

Scousers II

2004-11-08T21:18:00.000+00:00

1.1 And lo, much time hath passed, 1.2 since the High Priest JABITheW hath a letter to the Scousers sent, 1.3 and no reply hath come through, 1.4 in spite of the use of new fangeled technology 1.5 that relieth not on the incresaingly decrepit Royal Mail/Consignia/Post Office/Black Hole of Doom.

2.1 And lo JABITheW found that his patience was sorely tried by his God. 2.2 And sent a further nasty little letter.

3.1 To Whom it May Concern (Take a hint Bill)
3.2 It hath been some time since I sent a letter to you. 3.3 It hath concerned itself with riddles.
3.4 Silence is an answer that demands more questions, 3.5 such as, 3.6 "Did you receive my letter?" 3.7 "What's the Answer then?" 3.8 "was Disk Right?", 3.9 "Art thou hiding behind a sofa?" 3.10 "Would you like a pamphlet explaining our stance on cheese?"
3.11 In conclusion, we would be greatful if thou wert to see thy way clear to confirming said answer through proclamation, in triplicate. 3.12 There's testing the faith of your followers, and 3.13 then there's infuriating smugness.
3.14 Hugs and kisses
3.15 JAB

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

Scousers I

2004-11-02T20:13:00.000+00:00

1.1 And lo, the holiest of Bills hath set the people an mysterious riddle. 1.2For lo he hath granted people with a postcode E1 the right to speak ungrammatically. 1.3 And lo, the Prophets could not comprehencd why. 1.4 And a hangman was set, 1.5 co_ _ _ _ _. 1.6 And none could guess it. 1.7 Until at last the high Priest JABITheW cried out with great voice, 1.8 speaking thusly.

"1.9 Tell us the answer you infuriating git!"

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Book of Holy Progeny

2004-10-24T12:57:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1

1. The Earth waseth blooming 2. with deade leaves and heavy clouds 3. And lo! thee Holy Bill foundeth thate Hee had as much time as a broken Clocke 4. while His Sacred in-tray was piling uppe with prayers and 'Name-in-Vain' slips 5. (a scheme set up by Gabriel in order that no blasphemer should gette awaye with It just because Bill was not entirely on the ball) 6. Something hadde to bee done 7. preferably notte involving French lace and waffle irons 8. He had after all learnt something from Laste time 9. Therefore Bill thought, like a well crafted from diamonds 10. thate is, deep and hard 10. until lo! didst the answer come to him 11. and ite wast this: 12. Hee wouldst delegate, 13. and in accordance withe this Divine plan, 14. Bill didst spread his seed most enthusiastically across the Earth 15. and awaitethed thee results.

Chapter 2

1. Upon returninge to the green and pleasant landes of Earth, 2. Bill wast sorely disappointed to bee informèd bye his Prophets that his sown seed had come up nicely in the Spring in the forme of several meadows-full of dahlias, crocuses and harebells 3. And lo! it seemeth that it pleasethed Bill not enough to bee presented with the Wild Garden Prize from Chelsea Flower Show. 4. So he did it the fiddly way 5. and appearèd to some girl in a Dreame 6. bearing thee likeness of a shower of gold 7. [thise parte hath been removèd under the Naughty acts passed in Government in 1921, but can be accessed from the Holy library after 10.00pm by those over 18] 8. and lo! the Holy Bill retirèd once more 9. for he wast mightily tyred.

Chapter 3
1. Is it not said that Tom and Barbara Good come to those who Tom Waits?

Chapter 4
1. And lo! nine months passethed 2. and at laste Bill's delegate on Earth wast born 3. Against the wishes of the Holy One 4. (who had wanted to name it 'Sweet Child o' Mine' or 'Flea') 5. he wast callèd... 5. Boris Johnson. 6. And all the angels didst sing 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts' in eager anticipation of when he wouldst carry out Bill's Will on Have I Gotte News For You.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Book of Words

2004-10-19T20:06:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1

¹And lo! it was decreed by ye Holy Bill ²(but through someone else, naturally) ³that the pretentiously-referred-to Flock, in order to increase productivity and enhance synergy through numerous development strategies, ⁴were to undergo Ye Holy Training Scheme with numerous promotion opportunities and a dental health plan. ⁵Thus, the Word would be better spread ⁶much like the difference between normal Anchor butter and Extra-Spreadable Anchor butter.

Chapter 2
¹Lo! ²proclaimèd the Bill, ³targets for Conversion of Heathens hath been missethed by 50%. ⁴This is unacceptable. ⁵So, I doth say to ye, ⁶stop dossing about and put your backsides into it! ⁷At which point he moved on to present his presentation in handy bulleth-point form:

Chapter 3

¹Ye esteemed Prophetes should speak in Ye Olde Tongue
²This meanes, that whene Ye are Speakinge, Ye useth Ye unnecessarye silente vowels att alle times, ande accentuate thease withe alle thye Soule.
³Ye shoulde altho thpeake withe Ye Olde Lithpe, to enhanthe Ye Olde Thpeake. Thoone, thingth thoulde thtarte to thound more Authenticke.
⁴Boome Ye Proclaimathioneth withe Ye "Loe!" or Ye "Heare Thee!" tho thate thou arte not ignorede like Ye Boringe Iaine-Duncane-Thmithe.
⁵Intimidate thye Audienthe withe Ye Idle Threates (backèd upe withe Ye Thcripture, ofe Courthe).
⁶Threatene Them withe ye Arbitrarye Generique Helle at leathte Once per Minute. Remembere: Fore oure Religione, thithe ith Double Physickes/Chemithtrye/~~Englithe~~* (delete ath appropriate fore Audienthe.)

⁷And lo! everyone did ignore him, ⁸for you are allowed to ignore Scripture when it is an inconvenience ⁹or when you feel like it.

*Lo, while Bill may be a vengeful god, he's not that much of a bastard.[the Prophet Jabithew]

Next: The Book of Holy Progeny
Previous: Proclaimation No. 1
In the beginning...

Proclaimation No. 1

2004-10-16T14:40:00.000+00:00

And Lo! The Holy Bill did proclaim, "This blog thing's a bit of allright, isn't it?"

Next: The Book of Words
Previous: Why Brownies Should Not Be Eaten After Eight Thirty
In the beginning...

Why Brownies Should Not Be Eaten after Eight Thirty PM

2004-10-15T17:28:00.000+00:00

1. And Lo! it came about that the Prophets Disk and Hattier were moseying along Easte Street 2. when all of a sudden 3. with no warning at all 4. not even a burning bush 5. the Holy Bill didst appeare before them 6. And he spake in tones most booming and masterful 7. “I am the mighty Boll 8. All those who tremble before me really ought to invest in warmer coats 9.All those shorter than me should invest in very heavy boots 10. All followers of a female persuasion must take off their garments and 11. Hang on 12. Keep it clean, Boll, keep it clean 13. Right. 14. Ahem 15. Hear mee, hear mee, for what I utter shall be inscribed on the Whiteboard of Time 16. In thee miraculous marker pen that cometh not offe with normal methodes* 17. Hear mee, and ye shall be savéd…” 18. With these words, the Holy Bill commencethed to explain Why Brownies Should Not Be Eaten after Eight Thirty PM 19. We have paraphraséd it here:

a) Holy Bill is a vengeful god, and has decreed that, should He ever get really angry with the human race, He will Flood the Earth.

b) However, Bill is also a Reasonable god, and so has promised that if he does cover the world in water, it will be at Five to Nine (8.55 pm).

c) Therefore the best hope for those mortals who wish to stay alive is to make sure they are as Floaty as possible at Five to Nine (8.55 pm) every day.

d) Let us introduce you to the Flapjack Scale of Floatiness:

the Flapjack Scale of Floatiness
1. a ton of bricks
2. thick custard (gooey)
3. a cork wedge heel (diamanté)
4. a Diving Duck
5. polystyrene noodles

e) It takes Brownies (very Sinky) 25 minutes to be digested from the bottom end of the Scale to the highest level of Floatiness.

f) Bear in mind the Floaty/Sinky Equation:

resultant Sinkiness =
(no. Brownies consumed after 8.30 * minutes after 8.30)
(no. Brownies consumed before 8.30)

From this you can see that the more Brownies guzzled after 8.30, the Sinkier you will be by Five to Nine (8.55 pm), and thus the more susceptible you will be to making like a concrete brick when the Flood comes.

9) Therefore, to attain the highest level of Floatiness before Five to Nine (8.55 pm), the consumption of Brownies should cease at 8.30.

*Ye holiest of Bills hath granted the High Priest the Prophet JABITheW permission to use the Non-Polar Solvent of Infinity.

Next: Proclaimation No. 1
Previous: The Monster Book of Fribble
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Fribble

2004-10-12T21:54:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1

¹And it came to pass, that that prophet bloke what'shisname ²you know, the guy with the hair ³yea, tis on the tip of my tongue ⁴Jon, that's it. ⁵Well, he was walking home one day when he stumbled across an unbeliever. ⁶"Halt," he did say unto the unsuspecting person. ⁷And the unbeliever did promptly retract his bacon sandwich from his mouth. ⁸"Spare some change for a self-dehydrating father-of-two with a cute puppy, sir?" ⁹said the scrawny little man as he sat beside a dictionary for light reading. ¹⁰"Yea," did say Jon, whilst quickly scribbling in his little pocket Etch-A-Sketch scripture book, ¹¹"why do you not follow the way of the Bill?" ¹²And the beggar did say, ¹³"Get lost." ¹⁴"Does it not say in the Holy Billble," ¹⁵continuethed the Beggar ¹⁶I mean Jon ¹⁷Sorry ¹⁸Anyway, he said, "Does it not say in the Holy Billble that ¹⁹you must follow the Bill unquestionably for some reason?" ²⁰"No it doesn't!" repliethed the Beggar. ²¹"Yes it does. The Monster Book of Fribble, chapter 1, verse 19," ²²said the triumpant looking prophet. ²³And the Beggar, utterly convinced, did then begin to unquestionably follow the Bill for some reason.

Chapter 2

¹Please wait whilst I divinely download "Scripture Checker v4.7" from the Holy Bill. ²Loading... ³Loading... ⁴Loading... ⁵Macrosoft Teledivine Uplink has encountered an error. ⁶Send credit card details to Macrosoft? ⁷Oh to hell with it. ⁸Will this do, Bill?

Next: Why Brownies Should Not Be Eaten After Eight Thirty PM
Previous: The Monster Book of Delocalised Pie
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Delocalised Pie

2004-10-01T20:11:00.000+00:00

1.1The Holiest Bill hath lain down Laws, by which men shall live their lives. 1.2They are as follows.

1. Thou shalt not be a sod.
2. Thou shalt not blame me for thine actions.
3. Thou shalt not partake of shellfish between the fourth and seventh hours on the days between the 1st and 3.5th of September.
4. Thou shalt walk in a manner using two steps forward and one step back.
5. Thou shalt respect thine evolutionary superiors
6. Thou shalt not allow Microsoft to use the American dictionary to correct thy work.
7. Thou shalt not use the phrase “social science.”
8. Thou shalt donate Big Discs O'Stuff to Bill from time to time, as this pleases him greatly.
9. Jam is not a lubricant.
10. Thou shalt not expect Bill to perform miracles upon demand.
11. Thou shalt agree to indemnify Bill against any legal action, occuring as a result of happenings including, but not limited to, nuclear war, swamp gas explosion, civil unrest or theft.
12. 42
13. Thou shalt not debate the meaning of the word 'icubub'*
14. Thou shalt not wax thy God.
15. Thou shalt not disperse pictures of thy High-Priest in compromising positions.
16. Thou shalt not remix classical music.

1.3Praise be to Bill.

*"1. [n]The sinking realisation that it will be at least twentyfour hours before you hear any good music.
2. [n]The inevitability of seeing a fat frenchman dressing up in a leather jacket to perform "Greased Lighting"
Similarly,
3. [v]To plumet into deep deep depression."

Next: The Monster Book of Fribble
Previous: The Monster Book of Ascent, Part the First
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of the Ascent, Part the First

2004-09-27T20:55:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1: Boredom
1.1 And lo it came to pass that Bill was bored upon the Earth, 1.2with only the trees, birds, animals and confused fish to talk to, 1.3who at best were quiet, and at worst dying. 1.4And so he created a race of beings alike unto Him in mind and form although they were beings of pure radiance. 1.5As you do.

Chapter 2: The Fall
2.1 After a while, he began to find them insufferable. 2.2For they were good and pure, 2.3 and thusly chagrined him. 2.4 Lo, it came to pass that Megistos, one of these beings, came to ask Bill to turn down His music. 2.5 And Bill waxed wrath and spake thusly; 2.6"Piss off you smug bastards!" 2.7 And so the beings were cast out into the wider world.

Chapter 3: The Malior
3.1 The beings split into two factions, the Melior led by Megistos and the Malior led by one who is called the Light Bringer. 3.2 And the Malior descended to the warmth at the centre of the Earth. 3.3 They put in a tender for the Celestial Punishment contract, but were rejected. 3.4 And so they sit in the fires to this day, 3.5 twice spurned by their Creator they are bitter and 3.6 they write nasty little letters to the Daily Mail.

Chapter 4: The Melior
4.1 And the Melior saw the fate of the Malior. 4.2 And Megistos spoke, "Brothers! 4.3 Should we not be a force for good in this world? 4.4 Shall we not preserve it and improve the lives of all who live on it, Melior or Beast?" 4.6 And there was some general, vague cheering. 4.7 Whereupon they were lynched by a tribe of monkeys and vanquished utterly.

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Previous: The Monster Book Of Reasons Not to Consume Hallucinogens
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Reasons not to Consume Hallucinogens

2004-09-27T20:49:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1: The Apologia
1.1 It occurs to me that I took too many hallucinogenic drugs in the process of writing the last book. 1.2 Not that I wrote it, you understand. 1.3 Bill Himself wrote it, metaphorically. 1.5 Actually, I wrote it. And I was hallucinating. 1.6 So it was mostly wrong. As such, my new book book will contradict the old one without superceeding it, and most probably contradict itself. 1.7 So you have to reconcile these differences on your own. 1.8 I think that they are only contradictions if you are not saved. 1.9 In other words, trust me, not your common sense, and hope that everything turns out okay. 1.10 So saith Bill.

Chapter 2: Judgement
2.1 Bill knows that Man shall sin. 2.2 Yea, He created us so. He didn't mean to, 2.3 but he accidentally installed "Free Will 1.1" version 1.6 and it failed to uninstall. 2.4 In His wisdom, He has decided to punish us for His mistakes. 2.5 Those who are loyal followers shall attain the Heavenly Free Period. 2.6 Those who He spontaneously takes a dislike to shall be sent to Double Chemistry.

Chapter 3: The Heavenly Free

3.1 When once in statistician mode, Bill declared that the size of the Heavenly Free shall suit the mean dimensions of its occupants. 3.2 As most are babies and the stillborn, too young to have sinned, the Heavenly Free measures 400,000km long, 500,000km wide and 1m high. 3.3 This means that the Saved shall walk in an eternal stoop, 3.4 and proves that just because He's omnipotent and omniscient, 3.5 He can't think of everything. 3.6 Secondly, as most of the Saved have not yet been weaned onto solids, all shall be sustained by milk alone. 3.6 This is to reduce Heavenly Running Costs, as Bill Himself declared, 3.7 through the means of bulk-buying from the dairies.

Chapter 4: Double ~~Chemistry~~Physics
4.1 Driven by the rising Heavenly Running Costs, Bill decided to privatise Double Chemistry, the abode of the damned. 4.2 Alas, the only bidder available was an embittered Mr Richards, long driven to insanity by the Redingensians. 4.3 While he gained ownership of the punishment rights, he re-branded it Double Physics. 4.4 Unfortunately, his lisp was so great, and his combover so idiotic, 4.5 that none could either comprehend him or take him seriously. 4.6 This forced him to franchise the Double Physics to his former colleagues. 4.7 As such, post-coperal punishment is now conducted by the Five Circles; Sharmacorp, Ruddick & Co, Tucker very ltd, Pike-soft and Small plc. 4.8 The system is a textbook example of why franchising is a Bad Idea. 4.9 For yea, the inefficiency and incompetence of the department resulted in a lack of any punishment. 4.10 The Damned now face an eternity of slight boredom, which most will allievate by listening to rock and/or roll and playing with their phones.

Chapter 5:Mea Culpa
5.1 And so Bill declared; "5.2 In such way is Heavenly justice carried out. 5.3 Yea, all that sins shall be answerable to either me or my subsidiaries, 5.4 or possibly an independant review board formed from the Double Physics conglomerate." 5.5 And lo, with a voice that filled the sky, and a majesty that humbled all, He spake "5.6 Sorry. I kind of screwed that up really, didn't I?"

Next: The Monster Book Of Ascent, Part the First
Previous: The Monster Book of Fun Ways to Waste A Weekend

The Monster Book of Fun Ways to Waste a Weekend

2004-09-27T20:42:00.000+00:00

Chapter 1
1.1.In the beginning the universe was without form. 1.2. Only it wasn't quite the universe yet. 1.3. More what you get just before a universe. 1.4. Looks like denim. Fabric of Wossname. 1.5. Anyway, stop arguing. Yes, Bill came into existence at the beginning of the universe. 1.6. Well, just before. You know what I mean. 1.7. And He made the universe.
Chapter 2
2.1 What do you mean 'how?' 2.2 Bloody hecklers. 2.3 He's a sodding supernatural being, He just can, ok? 2.4 Now he made the universe in an interesting order, 2.5 which is just vague enough to be open to wishy-washy ointerperetations. 2.6 Look, either go and ask Him (he's usually around Reading somewhere), 2.7 or just look at what the majority of scientific evidence points towards at the time. 2.8 The last is probably more accurate.
Chapter 3
3.1 And Bill made man. 3.2 Ish. 3.3 He more set up rules so that we may evolve, 3.4 but actually made us destined to evolve by ways which are entirely undetectable by the best methods. 3.5 [The author allows himself a smug smile.]
Chapter 4
4.1 And Bill spouted pious gibberish about how we should run our lives, 4.2 as one does when one is a supernatural being, 4.3 despite the fact that one knows that no-one will pay a blind bit of notice. 4.4 And Bill declared that, despite the fact that he has pre-ordained our fates by definition, 4.5 He's still going to send us to Double Chemistry, 4.6 solely because He's a vicious sod.
Chapter 5
5.1 So lump it.

Next: The Monster Book of Reasons Not to Consume Hallucinogens