The Bipolar Diva

2021-01-15T22:30:00.002-08:00

There was a time in her past she believed what others thought of her didn't matter too much, She believed she was herself

Her gypsy soul, and care free spirit, were in a box, yet she was unaware at that time. It was only of recent the realization she had indeed attempted to force herself into a box society found "acceptable," was unveiled.

Looking back there are many signs she would never fit in the box most people, stuck in a box of their own making, would deem unobjectionable.

Did He Cry

2020-02-13T22:11:00.003-08:00

I wonder how he felt that day realizing it would be his last.

As he went to bed that night knowing he would die

Did he turn to look around, take one last glance and cry

Resolutely he went from his living room to bed

Knowing those remaining steps would surely be his last

Did he turn to look around, take one last glance and cry

When he sat atop his bed and began to remove his shoes

Did he feel the tightness and struggle to take a breath

Did he glance to the Heavens, scream out to God and cry

Did his soul depart before he hit the floor

Or did he lie aware and gasp for air once more

Did he think of seeing her soon and begin to cry

The only thing for certain is that night he did die

Now he's with the ones he loves, those that went before

He rejoices with his grandkids, his wife by his side

Today his daughter keeps her memories buried deep inside

When she thinks about him now she calls to God and cries

One Of The Most Tragic Things In Life

2019-05-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

Death Is Too Good For Him

2019-04-28T19:49:00.001-07:00

As I sat working on the computer the TV was on. Elizabeth Vargas was interviewing the girls that were sexually assaulted by the team doctor. He, well, he got what he deserved, if there is even justice for what he did.

Another doctor, however, did not, that I know of. While I was watching the show feelings of rage, anger, and betrayal bubbled to the surface. Something, I can't recall now, triggered situations I thought I had dealt with in therapy and it would never come up again.

The doctor my parents sent us to when we were kids was a bit more than "friendly," with me. It seems I was around 11 when it all began. You see, my parents didn't think things like that happened, especially with a doctor that was also the town's baseball team doctor. They thought I was safe.

What I endurefd for the next 7 years was nothing short of horrific. I looked him up, was he still alive? It seems he died a few months ago. That didn't help. There were stories of what a great man he was. Perhaps he was, outside of his office. However, I know the man for what he was.

My feelings were at the boiling point. I wanted to run just like I have most of my life. I've wanted to run from the people that trust, for they are the ones that are the least suspected. I don't want to use the word "hate," possibly disdain, disgust, helplessness, anger, and gulit. Yes guilt.

Reasonably I know there was nothing I could have done. After all he was one of the towns most respected doctors. How would anyone believe a little girl or the teenager I grew into.

I don't know what to feel. My heart is pounding, my head is about to split, I'm fighting off an anxiety attack. It's as if I was back in that examining room, helpless and alone. The memories won't stop, no matter how much I medicate myself, alone in my room but I'm not alone, I'm haunted by the trusted doctor.

He got off easy. Death was far to good for what he deserved.

There Was A Boy

2019-04-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy that held the key to my heart. He's now a man, the key he still holds.

The bond we share cannot be broken. It's been tried, it's been put to the test.

The boy with the dimple and the sparkling eyes is now taller than I and greatly missed.

There soon will be a day the miles will become inches as we embrace and know what the other is thinking, just as before.

There are bonds in life that cannot be severed. This is one of those connections that will never fade, only grow stronger than ever, if possible, through the years to come.

We share the same thoughts and aspirations. From miles apart our thinking seems to be united.

This evening I was surprised with a message. It was a message I had been thinking of as well.

The realization that we had been having the same thoughts and plan of action was mind blowing.

Years before when he was a little sprite of a boy we would finish each others sentences, say the same thing at the same time.

He's my kindred spirit. He is my grandson.

Online Shopping Spree Surprise ��

2019-04-22T11:16:00.001-07:00

Cathartic Coercion

2019-04-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

It's been months, more like years, since I've sat in bed, my laptop resting atop down comforters and blankets, with the intention of writing anything of substance.

The English language has always been something I've enjoyed. Assembling syllables, words, sentences, and paragraphs, into something more than just letters appearing on a screen has always been a passion of mine.

To me it's a cathartic coercion when I'm able to achieve a melodic passage by giving my thoughts a life of their own in which the reader can engage with all of their senses.

For lack of a better term, I've been on hiatus. I feel my writing is rusty at best.

However, with encouragement from a friend, and the passage of time sufficient to quell the chaotic confusion I had been thrown into, some of my own doing and some dealt by the hands of cavalier diagnosticians, I now feel the freedom to allow my thoughts to emerge once more.

My mind is at ease and I feel no need to censor my ideas, my reasoning, or my perceptions. I have allowed myself to be freed from the confinement I once endured.

I have tamed the inner demons that once haunted me. I can now the celebrate multifaceted creation I am. I no longer feel the need to flee. I have been liberated and polished by the pressure that once surrounded me. I can now go forth smiling with the knowledge I was never destroyed.

My Creator kept me shielded from the one that was intent on incinerating my inner most being. I had to be broken, broken enough to allow my Maker to rebuild me into the woman He had intended for me to be from the beginning of time.

xo,

Did I Break My Face?

2018-11-13T14:50:00.001-08:00

Why? Just Why?

2018-11-01T11:04:00.001-07:00

Shane Dawson, Jeffree Star, And A Conspiracy?

2018-10-24T09:44:00.001-07:00

Is There A Correlation Between Tattoos and PTSD?

2018-08-18T07:10:00.001-07:00

OMG! Is It Possible?

2018-07-25T21:12:00.001-07:00

Her Eyes Took Me By Surprise

2018-07-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

As I wiped steam from the bathroom mirror, the reflection of her eyes took me by surprise

Big, brown, familiar, yet not

I stood staring as the air cleared

Slowly the cloak covering the mirror vanished as did the way she once saw herself

I could see the woman in front of me wet and renewed not only from the morning's cleansing

But also from breaking free from the cocoon in which she was once encased

I was mesmerized as watched the droplets of water

Fall from her body taking with them the fear she had before tightly gripped

Wet tresses of blonde, mixed with platinum, framed her face

I paused as I stared and for the first time in ages saw the essence of the one whose reflection I studied

I looked at the outward scars the ink on her arms covered

In them I saw evidence of the battles she had fought and won

Within her I knew the scars left on her heart were being healed

She stood there naked, without makeup, with ringlets of wet hair

And I saw a beauty I had never before seen in her

I saw a radiance that comes with being comfortable in one's own skin

I saw a woman with no need for affirmation, for she had fought the war and survived

xoxo,

Could Your Child Have Colon Cancer? THIS VIDEO IS FOR YOU!

2018-07-20T00:59:00.001-07:00

What BLEEPING Happened? EXPOSED!!!

2018-07-10T23:14:00.001-07:00

You Asked But Some Is Pretty Embarrassing!

2018-07-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

I Was Recently Given A Life Altering Diagnosis With No Cure

2018-07-03T22:18:00.001-07:00

OMG! Why I Married My EX Husband

2018-06-28T17:35:00.001-07:00

My Old, Familiar, Friend

2018-06-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

It's been ages since I've written. Life's been chaotic and peaceful bound together by The Master's Hand. Coming back to this page is like meeting with that friend. You know, the one you haven't seen in a decade but pick up like you were never apart? That's how I feel here.

For so long I found comfort in my love of the craft, the movement, the flow of our written language. Arranging sentences, words, punctuation, is calming to my soul, my spirit, and to my mind that tends to get jumbled with life. Thoughts that tend to do nothing more that bounce through my brain can be put down, processed, examined, and prioritized.

The last month is a blur of events. There have been enormous blessings as in the birth of our beautiful granddaughter, hearing the excitement of my son's voice, and knowing he's totally smitten with both his wife and their first child.

There was the perfect celebration of the restoration of our marriage, and our 30th anniversary, trip that was beyond amazing. It was as if the stars were aligned and everything came together, as we believe, was God's plan. On that trip we found my husband the perfect replacement wedding ring. He lost his about 10 years ago and nothing we saw was "right," until the appointed time. The ring is a true testimony to our journey through hell and back and, to us, is yet another sign we have come full circle and are indeed in the place we were intended to be. The ring is big, bold, and beautiful. It was inspired by Ecclesiastes 4:12, "And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

It has a cross, an infinity sign, The Alpha, The Omega, and an onyx stone on each side of the cross that symbolize the two of us, held together by the Cross of Christ, and surrounded by The Alpha and The Omega that has held, and will hold, us together.

There have been health issues in our family that have had to be dealt with quickly, and there are more coming soon. One of my children is facing a situation that frightens this mom to the core. My husband was rushed into a life saving procedure and is doing well now.

I had double ear inner ear surgery last week that has apparently failed so I get to go through a more in depth surgery to repair that, as well as getting ready to go under the knife, and laser, of my neurosurgeon as soon as can be scheduled. To top it off we're still waiting on the results of the Holter monitor study I underwent.

Yesterday and today I've been unusually emotional. Tears have run freely from the corners of my eyes and down the curves of my cheeks, my thoughts scattered, and sleepless nights endured. I thought it was the flurry of recent activity and the deep sadness this time of year brings.

Father's Day, my Dad's birthday, my severely mentally ill, homeless, son's birthday, the anniversary of the death of my Mom, and the birthday of our grandson in Heaven. Those are dates that seem to make this a difficult time for me personally.

Tonight, as I sat crying, for no apparent reason, it hit me that in the attempts to get me physically through until I can have the more challenging inner ear procedure done, the doctor put me on prednisone. A light bulb went off. Thank goodness it did as I felt I was coming undone. I researched the side effects because medications tend to affect me in strange ways. As I read through the literature I was finally able to understand where all this unusual concoction of emotion was actually coming from.

Although I'm sure this time of the year is affecting me, the "get you through," medication appears to be responsible for the majority of what I've been experiencing. Unfortunately prednisone is not a medication you can abruptly discontinue, it has to be tapered. Fortunately only two days remain.

It's unlike me not to read through side effects because of my strange reactions to so many in the past that greatly contributed to my erratic behavior in years gone by. I was fearful because it felt as if I was again on the brink. Which terrified me because I'm certain I'm in one of the best states of my life.

There's no drama, no negativity, no arguing, no mood swings, just peace, solidarity, and certainty in our lives these days. When the prednisone ends I know the effects will end. Then I'll get through the next two surgeries and we'll stand by our child that is facing a potential health crisis. We had to laugh at the words that were spoken after our baby's doctor's appointment yesterday, "You know what I was thinking during the exam? I know I may die, everyone dies and I'm ok with that. What was going through my mind was, 'Crap! This is going to be expensive!"

On the flip side, we've all learned that God does have us held tightly in His hands. It's all going to be just fine.

xo,

OMG! The Perfect Ring!

2018-06-13T21:45:00.001-07:00

Not One Of The Most Eloquent Posts But One Of The Best

2018-05-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: grammar, spelling, and punctuation, may be obliterated in this post.

It's been a long, somewhat draining, somewhat concerning, day that had some amazing moments.

I spent my day with doctors.

B/P: 120/62
HR: 72
Weight: -6 pounds

Referral to an ENT~SCORE! That means, hopefully, quelling the ocean between my ears, and perhaps ending the vertigo I've been dealing with, as well as the running eye and nose.

Referral to a Neurosurgeon~SCORE! That means spinal surgery and I wish I could have it done tomorrow.

Awesomeness all the way around!

Until she listened to my heart, then did an EKG, followed by another, "Just to double check."

After reading the EKG she said she didn't want me to worry but she was ordering a 24 hr a day monitoring system. It's called a Holter Monitor and is basically a continual EKG.

That's when I began to worry. With my husband, they knew what he has, sent him home....no monitor....and scheduled a procedure. No big deal with his procedure, well I mean nothing like open heart surgery. They're ablating an extra pathway that causes Wolff-Parkinson-White.

I'm, in no way, implying what is wrong with me is worse than what my husband has. It just hit me that I have to wear this monitor, for who knows how long and I'm not sure what they're looking for. With him, we all know what we're dealing with and there is a fix.

When she uttered the word "monitor," it threw back to when my first son, as a newborn, had to wear a monitor for a year for a life or death situation. Thankfully that monitor saved his life.

I wasn't being rational. I was, for a split second, hearing, "life or death." That fear, buried for so many years, of possibly having my son die, flooded my being. It was as if I was again hearing the doctors tell me what was happening to my son.

In reality, if it was that serious, she would have had me in the hospital.

So cool. Off to another doctor, my psychiatrist.

This doctor has seen me through the most horrible 10 years of my life. He knows me.

We talked about the pain we endured, the journey, the divorce, the lessons, the gains, the remarriage, and the realization we belong together.

He smiled, sat back in his chair, hands behind his head, looked me directly in the eye, and he said, "I can't tell you how very happy I am that you two found your way back. I'm very, very, happy. I've never seen you so happy, so confident, so peaceful."

Yes Doctor, my husband and I went through a decade of hell on earth and made it back. Our lives couldn't be better.

"I'm really happy."

Oh My! First Session Of My Madonna Eye Lift!

2018-01-23T16:12:00.001-08:00

My first of three sessions for the Madonna Eye Lift.

I filmed before and after the procedure that was done by Dr. Max Grishkevich.

Dr. Max is the founder and director of VIP MediSpa in Happy Valley, Oregon.

(After publishing this video I saw there is unintended text. My edits to say "Sorry for the shakiness. I used my phone to film," didn't save. Whoops!)

I've been going to VIP MediSpa since it opened. I've had Botox, Juvederm, Microdermabrasion, laser hair removal. The Madonna Eye Lift is my first "big" procedure I've had at VIP MediSpa.

I'll be updating throughout the entire 3 month process, especially these first few days after the procedure so you can see what happens right along with me.

VIP MediSpa's website describes the Madonna Eye Lift as this, "One thing that makes Madonna eyelift procedure at Dr. Grishkevich Max’s VIP MEDISPA stand out from traditional eye surgery is that it leaves no scars, and you can go about doing your daily chores without any restrictions. For all those who wish to make their eyes beautiful and the skin around it youthful again with the least hassle, this is the best option."

I have not been compensated for this video, or for the following ones. You will see, and hear, my unbiased thoughts, and results, of this procedure.

Please subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow my, my husband, and whomever else on our motorcycle adventures, family shenanigans, trips, and life in general.

YouTube has changed their partner terms. After being very lax with posting videos for the last couple of years, and deleting many videos of the series I had started, I lost a significant number of subscribers and I need 1000 to continue with my partner program with YouTube. Please subscribe. If you want to browse through the videos it would be great. If you want to click the notification bell to be notified of new videos you most certainly can do that, but I'm asking for your help in keeping my Partner status with them. Thanks!!

xoxo,

It's Real and It's Horrible

2017-12-21T22:41:00.001-08:00

Something Wasn't Right

2017-12-14T22:44:00.001-08:00

It had been months, 7 months to be exact, since Jeff had been home.

It has been the most amazing blessing to be reunited with my best friend and soulmate.

However, something was wrong. I sensed it many times but just couldn't put my finger on it.

One day, while he was at work, I was straightening our room and looked at our bed.

I made the decision to change our sides.

That night, as I lay to his right, he put his arm around my stomach. I, in turn, was able to use my left arm to do as I always had, and that was to rub his head, scratch his beard and chest.

It felt so good, so calming, so right.

I laid down, turning on my right side, and moved back into waiting arms that enveloped me.

That was it. We were home.

His chest was on my back and his arm tightly around me pulling me closer, so close I could feel the beating of his heart and his breath on my neck.

I began running down all of the homes we've had, where our bed had been, and on which side we had slept.

Jeff had always been on the left and I on the right.

That night of discovery I fell asleep knowing we were "home," we were right.

I haven't had that "not quite right" feeling again. This is where we belong, this is perfection.

The Most Perfect Place

2017-11-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

In the quiet darkness of night I was lying on my right side, he on his left, his arm comfortably cradling my face

My head was tucked down, resting upon his chest as we breathed together as one

I was listening to the rhythm of his heart as he held me tightly, to himself, and away from the world

My left arm was wrapped around his bare torso, his right arm firmly around mine

With our bare skin touching, our legs intertwined, we laid motionless for what seemed an eternity

Flashes of the previous three decades filled our thoughts as we lay in the familiar fashion

It was then all became real, the peace, the solidarity, and the connection that, although tested by fire, could not be severed

During those moments the struggle of years past was known for what it was intended

Growth, self reflection, falling to our lowest to be lifted to our highest by the Grace and Glory of the One that anointed our communion now as He had so many years ago

We realized more than ever how He had led our steps, kept us safe, and gave us the wisdom to continue what He had ordained

It was then we knew the true meaning of forgiveness, love, devotion, obedience, and faith

We praise Him for allowing us to see His will and for giving us the discernment to protect our union from all that seek to destroy it

Romans 8:37-39