The Bipolar II Ravings of a Crazy Man - aka Me

The time was right

2017-01-11T15:22:00.001-07:00

Hi all...It's been a long, long time since I have shared, but I've been in hell. However, after a two week trip to Europe it triggered a manic episode. I've never had one before, so my shrink was surprised. I have now been diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder one. I'm still manic now, but not as severe. I keep having dips every so often

of full blown depression/suicide, but then it goes away. I want to keep the mania forever. I love it!!! It's been 6 months so it may go away soon. I'll keep you posted...

All Signs Point to Being…

2014-08-16T17:02:00.000-06:00

Hi All

Just checking in on how y’all are doing…

Things have been “fine”… mostly good except for this deep loneliness and dire view of myself.

I have been trying a few dating websites, but have had no real response…unless you count the numerous “older” women – like real old and very unattractive (no offence). So between my pickiness, and my self-hatred chances are really good for remaining alone.

I have been finding it impossible to fall asleep, and if by chance I do I don’t stay there very long – between 2 to 4 hours a night of broken sleep. I am exhausted. Nothing has changed in my bedtime routine, nor has my medication. This sucks to the power of ten, because we had finally got my sleep thing worked out with large doses of several different sleeping medications. I have had trouble sleeping since I was around twelve and have never been able to fix it until my pdoc found a drug regimen of three different sleeping pills, and three other medications that cause drowsiness. So what does that mean…that there is nothing else to take or try…ugh

I have also been fighting thoughts of suicide. For the most part they are fleeting and not worrisome…but sometimes they are so powerful I am actually terrified. Thankfully I get some relief, for several days, following an rTMS treatment. On the other days I think of my daughter’s wedding, and how I don’t want to ruin her day, but I give myself permission to do so after the wedding. This generally buys me some more time. It used to be my son’s graduation. Hopefully there will be something after the wedding that I won’t want to ruin. If not well then I guess we know the answer – well possible answer.

I also wanted to let you know my pdoc finally has a website www.riverviewmedicalservices.ca you should check it out. There is a lot of information on rTMS…plus bonus is a clip of me getting a treatment. Try not to laugh at my less than attractive appearance, sans the cap I’m super-hot! (insert winky face here)

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

The Rollercoaster: AKA Bipolar

2014-07-13T19:01:00.000-06:00

Hi…Salut…Nривет…Hallo…Nривіт…Hola…Hei All!

(Note if any of these are incorrect I apologize I used Google Translate)

My last post was very dark, to say the least (I scared some of my family – sorry folks), but today I find my mood a bit brighter.

I write this post on my balcony in the sun. Basking in it’s warm embrace makes me feel good. Today is a day of leisure and some yard work, momentarily halted thanks to a wasp hive. I have sprayed them with Raid and WD40 and a makeshift trap, but they seem not to care. I need to get some of that foam suggested by my sister. I took a chance today to dig in the area, but chickened out when they got angry at me for destroying their condo without the proper paperwork. J

Actually me...

So instead (even though there are other chores I could perform lol) I sit here in the sun writing.

I would like to talk about the ‘coaster ride of moods’ bipolar sufferers have (in my experience). You just have to read my last post and compare it to this one. I truly wanted to die when I posted it. This one I am enjoying the sun. Sure I am plagued with the thoughts of suicide, but they are in the background where they have no power. Moods – Well for me they are depression and anger that comes up out of nowhere – but most of the time I bottle it up, just to have it manifest in some other aggression. Until I was diagnosed and we came to realize what my mania looks like: anger and shopping for the fix, always followed by a deep depression. I honestly didn’t realize how angry I was. I had just been used to bottling it up, which never ends well.

I’m a kind sensitive man (not perfect, but a nice guy). So this realm of anger, that I should be so angry, just

doesn't seem real, but it is. When manic I speed and speed fast at least 20km/hr faster than the posted limit. So when people are going slow (the speed limit). I would so like to punch the driver in the throat. I use the lessor word punch because this is public, instead I scream at them, pound on the steering wheel and I tailgate the hell out of them and on occasion some honking. I know you have all had this happen to you, I won’t bother explaining how bipolar mania makes things worse, as I think my past posts more than cover that. Let’s just say a manic anger episode is more like The Hulk and less like a two year olds temper tantrum.

I still bottle up most of my anger, some of it shows when I'm driving, or standing in a line where I can’t help but say some rude remark (not often) – just glimpse of the beast. Being mad and being BP hypo-manic angry are like comparing a cute little bunny to a pissed off Rhino. I don’t get the high that Bipolar I sufferers have. Just anger and terrible shopping sprees. I once, with only credit (no money at the time), purchased (within the span of a few days) a hot tub, washer and dryer, freezer, fridge, and dishwasher none of which were required. I had such a high it felt amazing until I got the bill and my high was shattered and replaced with a severe suicide filled depression. But the high that shopping provides me is so amazing, freeing, so close to what I'm guessing normal people have when happy.

Why was I so down in my last post, but so not in this one. There is absolutely no changes from then until now, in fact I feel more stressed out now thanks to money or lack thereof… (Money is a huge trigger for me). Yet I’m almost content (let’s not get too carried away). I am spending more time in the sun (perhaps that has helped). Although I still feel very alone and lonely it hasn’t been (in this moment anyway) a fight to stay alive.

I still feel lost and alone – people have so many ideas to help me change that, but they don’t understand that I need someone to take my hand and guide me to that something. I am trapped by anxiety, insecurities and self-hate that I find it impossible to move forward, like the inability to go to the gym by myself. So if you have an idea call me up and force me to do it. It may take several times to reach me, as I will be hiding, but leave a message and keep calling. I will eventually feel so guilty I will either answer your next call or call you back. Then the negotiations ensue; this is where I try and excuse myself out of going, maybe 3, maybe 5 times, or more or less, but eventually I will give in, and once I do it I usually, not always, but usually have fun. I thank you all for your care, patience and understanding (even when you don’t understand). All I can do is encourage you to try, I really need it.

Now back to the lighter things…I am still writing outside, but now sadly in the shade (stupid trees lol). It’s only me here tonight, so I don’t have to worry about making supper and the cleaning that ensues. I know I should eat, but I think I have a full on eating disorder... We will save that for another post… J

It’s summer, enough said!!!

Enjoy it’s beauty and it’s warmth…

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Doom and gloom - Party Time

2014-06-27T18:02:00.000-06:00

Hi Y'all

I have missed writing this blog. I just haven't had the will or the ability to be so vulnerable.

I am SAD.

I'm not talking about the Bipolar Depression, don't get me wrong I have that too, but the drug and rTMS combination have been pretty effective. I am talking legitimate sadness.

I have created, some due to the BP but some my own doing, a terrible life. I realize my problems pale in comparison to others, but I am not talking about them, I can only speak to mine. I have no support system, yes I have my family but they shouldn't have to go through it over and over again. I have 3 friends, yep only three most of which I rarely see (mostly my fault). My life has been my son - everything was about him (which I love and wouldn't change for the world). He has always been there for me too, which wasn't fair to him as a child. Now he has friends, a girlfriend, and he graduated from high school - he actually has a really good life now. He still has his issues with his BP, but all in all he is in a really good place. I did well as a dad (I really think I did - I hope), but now who am I?

I feel so alone. So intolerably lonely. My sadness is so deep. I came to the realization that I don't need to be here anymore. I raised my son, got him to adulthood, got him through school, and now he has a support system and I am done. I know I am safe for the moment, as I get to walk my daughter down the aisle in September (which is awesome), but after that just more loneliness.

A lack of being needed. I keep thinking I should try and find someone to share my life with, but where would I find them and if I did why would they ever want to be involved with my crazy. I know I am a nice guy, I really do - I just feel worthless. I don't like me, why would anyone else. (So ya the more I write this I realize I am in a deep depression, heightened by my SAD life (insert smiley face here.))

Should I write a pros & cons list on whether I should kill myself or not - I am too scared to do that as the pros list will be far too long.

Doom and gloom seem to be the theme of this post. Hopefully my next post will be lighter and more to do with getting rTMS covered and such.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

2014-01-19T16:55:00.001-07:00

I have missed you tons, and I have no excuses for why I haven’t been writing just...

Life has been uneventful... I am still helping the elderly woman. I keep staring at a blank pad of paper and want to write so very bad, but I just can’t seem to be able to pick it up.

I have actually been feeling pretty good. The rTMS, medication mix appears to be a good one. There are just two problems;

1) Constant thoughts of Suicidal. Most are fleeting, but others get stuck in my head and it’s all I can think about. Most I have no intent, others can be pretty scary. Generally with them there is no depression just

(which brings me to number 2).

2) I feel sad (not depressed, there is a huge difference), so sad about the life I have created for myself and my son. Not only have I graced him with this amazing disease, I also taught him how to waste money, how to alienate oneself, how to accept the status quo, how to conceal your emotions, and how to hide oneself and be what people want or expect you to be.

I have created a terrible life. I have no money to look after myself now let alone when I should be “retiring” (a relative term these days) – for this retiring means when I am elderly. I have NO hope in ever buying a house. I have nothing to leave to my children. I will always be poor and a burden. I wanted so much when I was little; I was going to be a dentist (but realized that meant a crap load of school and the patient’s smelly breath), then my next dream -which I held on to for years and years – the CEO of a large corporation (one that built). All strange...but that is me strange...What I didn’t know at the time was that I was harbouring a disease that would often show itself but never had a name or an understanding of why – he is just weird – he is spoiled – (to my mom from some horrible people) you’re a bad mom, it’s your fault. I feel so BAD for what I put my mom through. I can never fix, change, or give back what I took from her. She is an amazing woman.

In the rTMS world things have been changing, and in an interesting way. There is a new way by which they administer the treatment. It’s called Theta Burst Stimulation (TBS). “Protocols have recently emerged as a method to transiently alter cortical excitability in the human brain through repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS). TBS involves applying short trains of stimuli at high frequency repeated at intervals of 200ms.”

“Human cortical excitability can be modified by repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), but thehttp://www.jneurosci.org/content/31/4/1193.full

cellular mechanisms are largely unknown. Here, we show that the pattern of delivery of theta-burst stimulation (TBS) (continuous versus intermittent) differently modifies electric activity and protein expression in the rat neocortex. Intermittent TBS (iTBS), but not continuous TBS (cTBS), enhanced spontaneous neuronal firing and EEG gamma band power. Sensory evoked cortical inhibition increased only after iTBS, although both TBS protocols increased the first sensory response arising from the resting cortical state. Changes in the cortical expression of the calcium-binding proteins parvalbumin (PV) and calbindin D-28k (CB) indicate that changes in spontaneous and evoked cortical activity following rTMS are in part related to altered activity of inhibitory systems. By reducing PV expression in the fast-spiking interneurons, iTBS primarily affected the inhibitory control of pyramidal cell output activity, while cTBS, by reducing CB expression, more likely affected the dendritic integration of synaptic inputs controlled by other classes of inhibitory interneurons. Calretinin, the third major calcium-binding protein expressed by another class of interneurons was not affected at all. We conclude that different patterns of TBS modulate the activity of inhibitory cell classes differently, probably depending on the synaptic connectivity and the preferred discharge pattern of these inhibitory neurons.”

There is more information on the internet. When I find out more I will post it.

I have only had one TBS treatment, it was weird. My usual hour long session lasted only about 20 minutes, and where the paddle was on my head felt warm for a couple of hours, and about 5 to 10 mins after I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I was suddenly exhausted – so strange... I am not sure if it is holding as well as the old way, but I will try it a few more times before I decide if I should go back to the old treatment. Oh right, I forgot to tell you that the new treatment is cheaper since it is shorter. Instead of $250 per treatment it is now $175 (still high but cheaper than anyone else in North America).

I am also going to star in my pdoc’s promotional video. They will be shooting it for their website. I will totally post the link when I have it. Then you can all see how dorky I look when getting a treatment. J

I am also looking at online dating (well actually I am registered on two sites). Sadly I am way too picky (I’ll hold off telling you what I am looking for, because you will think I am even more crazy – aim high right?) And then I think about my life and my bipolar and then I think wow what a catch, ugh. I am a good guy, it just so happens I don’t “pack” light (get it lots of baggage ha ha). Oh well I will give it a try, if “she” doesn’t like me for who I am then it wasn’t meant to be. I wonder...How many dates before I should drop the bipolar bomb? Any ideas post it in the comments?

I think that is it. Next time I promise to whine more about this pathetic life I have created – no wonder I want to die... (sometimes)

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

‘Tis the Season for Increased Depression Fa la la la la, la la la la…

2013-11-30T17:40:00.001-07:00

Wow time flies when you’re having “fun” – There is snow on the ground (not sure for how much longer, yay Chinooks), the air is crisp…ish, and everywhere you go some marketer is ramming the “holidays” down your throat.

What does all this wondrous time have to do with the evil darkness of depression? Well kids… stress – strain – fear – money – family – preparation – and all that is what “healthy” people go through – NOW -let’s take all of those throw them into a blender, mix on high for 5 minutes; now pour the mess into a pan, put said pan on the stove and crank the heat; now add a little anguish, a pinch of terror, and a drop or two of tears, and let boil for 20 minutes…

What you have there is the “unhealthy” person’s perceptions of themselves and the festivities. “Healthy” person singing along to Christmas Music, while decorating the tree; “Unhealthy” person hiding in a darkened room, tears rolling down their cheek; “Healthy” person enjoying the hustle and bustle of Christmas Dinner, with friends and family; “Unhealthy” person taking moments to escape the festivities to cry. If you could read their mind you would be crushed by the self loathing, the pain and the pure sorrow. So awful that, perhaps only in that moment, they want to die - I know this as I have been there.

I wish I could give people a glance into my head (ha, ha, ha – please insert “empty” jokes here, and then stop J) since I can’t I try and explain it to them, but I am unable to find the words – it’s just chaos…

Anyway, back to the holidays: if you know someone suffering from mental illness, check up on them – see how they are doing, and ask if they need any help. They will be going through their own personal hell; some due to the lack of money, some the lack of people in their lives, some just need the ear of a friend to help ease the pain, some will be lost (let’s keep that number down). Obviously some will be resistant to accept the help, but maybe your act of kindness will be enough to give them a little hope.

Happy Pre Pre Pre Holidays

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Your Silence Equates to Death – Share Everything

2013-11-10T23:29:00.001-07:00

It’s been, what feels like an eternity, since I have posted on here – and I feel bad about that. I miss writing about my feelings, my world, but my ADHD is preventing me from doing anything. I don’t hear you when you talk to me, I don’t comprehend what I read, and my memory has been decimated. I have NO motivation.

Thanks to all of the above, I feel like I have lost my voice. I feel so alone. I feel it unsafe to share my feelings

with those around me. I feel they (maybe not all) are done listening to me – even the one person whose support used to be unwavering. Weirdly my depression and mania are under control. Incredible news thanks to Zeldox (100mg) at bed, and rTMS every two weeks (remember my frequent rTMS maintenance treatments are highly unusual, normal treatment protocol is 4 weeks, then the occasional maintenance treatments (very infrequent maybe once a month or 2 months, even 6 months to never needed again)). There have been very few side effects (I should say zero side effects, but I don’t want to jinx it.) Zeldox has helped so much; it prolongs the positive effects of the rTMS, so much so that I anticipate I will be able to spread out the rTMS treatments to perhaps once every three weeks to four and so on. If you get a chance to use Zeldox and/or rTMS do so, just ask your doc/pdoc.

I decided that I needed to post again for the following two reasons, oops three, heck maybe even four: 1) I missed doing it; 2)I am in a very strange place, controlled depression yet still quite suicidal – perhaps that will never go away; 3) I am filled with so much RAGE, I can barely contain it (I am not usually an angry person – tears I can somewhat handle thanks to all these years of practice, but utter hatred is new to me); 4)OK maybe just three - J

1) This one is easy as I already said why – I miss you people! I miss the opportunity to hopefully help, even just one person, by sharing my story. The weird, but awesome, feeling that someone maybe listening...

2) Having control (not complete, but way more than I have ever had) of my depression and mania has left me with two things; a)my ADHD is out of control and b)I get to suffer with what you would call normal emotions – joy (well not yet), anger, excitement, etc. These are unfamiliar to me, as messed up as it sounds, I am NOT used to feeling them and I find them very difficult to maneuver through... Yet with the potential positives in controlling the depression, I am still plagued with suicidal thoughts. I have a little more control over them thanks to the lack of depression, but it is always on my mind; the place, the when, the how...but not the intent. It’s such weird feeling.

3) As mentioned above I am not used to managing anger. Sure I have been angry, but it always faded to

tears, isolation, and self deprecating thoughts always ending with blaming myself. I also participated in some anger when manic, but then I would crash and anger turned to sadness and self blame. I have never had this frustration with the lack of tools for dealing with this. I am seething as I write this, my hands trembling making it very difficult to type. This weird feeling is making my stomach hurt, my muscles stiff and an incredible feeling that I have no control over any of it. The blackness inside me just continues to grow. Some people have given me some great ideas on Facebook, but I lack the motivation to try them (thank you ADHD). I feel like I want to say so much more, but I just can’t find the words!

4) Nothing... J

[*note I apologize for all the typos and terrible grammar, I just needed to post and make it happen – not pretty but done...]

I kind of want to share a dumb poem I am working on, but it’s not done – it needs a lot of editing and such... Perhaps one of you could help me with it? Don't be too cruel, but please do be honest (I can take it - pretty much)... Here goes nothing..............

“Messed Up”

By Dan Routly

Truth is spoken only by politicians;

Lies are told by the children of our future.

Confined to the black hole called life;

We only hear fragments of their voices.

They scream past us;

Shattering the silence into a million pieces.

The puzzle so simple;

The picture they form is white.

Awaken hearts flutter like the wings of butterflies;

Tempted by the glowing light, the sizzle signaling their demise.

Death explodes our minds;

It’s not for debate, no time can be bought.

Those who can control their lives do so at the cost of love;

Not theirs, but those pathetic souls lining up for their execution.

Treasures are found in the hearts of our enemies;

Battles lost and won become empty.

There is no present to waste;

But waste is all we know...

Well like I said above I missed you all!!! J

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Is This Really worth It????

2013-10-06T12:20:00.000-06:00

I’m not talking about life this time J I’m questioning whether this blog has any real purpose or point? I mean it started with me wanting to share my experience with rTMS, but then it morphed into this crazy train wreck.... My messed up life delivered to the masses.

Does anyone even read it? - and if they do, is it really something I want them to know? The reality is that no one, or at least only a small portion of the populace, has viewed it. I have had almost 20,000 views, but judging by my last post most of those views were perhaps in the beginning – and probably by accident. It’s amazing how many countries have happened upon it, but... Don’t get me wrong, I like expressing myself, I like to demonstrate that it’s OK to talk about mental illness, I hope it helps people to know they’re not alone, and that there are loads of options for help... Anyway, off topic, well not really off topic, so much as...

So any whoooooo... an answer to the above conundrum is not any easy one_____

I have been feeling kind of OK (knock on wood)...sure I still want to kill myself, but I’m a little less depressed – I blame rTMS and drugs – I have been getting rTMS treatments every two weeks, and that seems to be working that and Zeldox. I am not sure if I have already mentioned Zeldox, and if I have I apologise for the duplication – but it’s something that warrants repeating. You should check with your pdoc, it really seems to help balance my mood. My pdoc might be a dick sometimes, but he’s a smart one.....

I have a family member dealing with some major health issues (both mental and more relevant physical) – I’m not a religious man, but I’m still praying for him___ perhaps if you can give him a little shout out to the deity of your faith, it may help in some positive way.

I started a creative writing class on Wednesday, October 2. It was kinda boring, but hopefully it will get more exciting as we go – and of course the only people asking questions, the same questions over and over again, were people that ummm were kind of ummm)...I decided upon entering the room that I wouldn’t be me – Instead I was confidant and outgoing. I made jokes. I chatted up some pretty ladies. I was kinda awesome. My son, after hearing my tale, figured I was “manic” or at least “mixed”. J But I wasn’t – I was just excited. In the class I even volunteered to be the first person to introduce themselves – Whaaaat???? I know right... After I told them that I used to work in the film industry, and that I have been writing (or attempting to write) scripts and that two were optioned - the teacher kept looking at me every time she made a point and on occasion asked me for my affirmation with whatever lesson she was trying to instruct. Let’s just say my meager writing accomplishments were more impressive then hers (those who can’t, teach) kidding no offence teachers you all rock in my world – except the mean ones. She does have a degree and such, so.... she wins! It’s only one night a week for the next 8 weeks (2.5 hours long, ugh). J It was nice to be out with people enjoying the same pastime. It made me actually want to go to University, not back to the University of Athabasca, but to a physical school with real live people... It just felt so good... and so many HOT girls!

I guess that’s all I have – I’ll ponder the merits of keeping this blog going over the next couple of weeks – either way there will be at least one more post.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

I Am, Therefore I Shall Die

2013-09-22T22:13:00.002-06:00

We should all remember that we cannot live in the past, and all the trying in the world will not let us see into our future - what remains is the present.

Living in the future causes frustration, depression, anxiety and cement shoes. Dwelling on ones future love, future sorrow, and of course the worst of these tortures ones demise, leaves us empty and stalled.

Living in the past only holds you back, as you fret about what could have been. Your regrets and pain take over. This doesn’t mean that you cannot reflect on your past, it just means don't live there.

The present is a time that we can change, that we control. A time where we don't have to dream just do, just be. Smell that flower. Feel the soft caress of a cool summer breeze. Sit on the couch cuddling your puppy or your kitty. Perhaps it’s feeling the sun’s soothing warmth on your skin. It’s whatever you decide for your present, your now.

I was hoping to keep this post on the light side, but damn I feel weird...I’m depressed, as usual – but this past couple of months also have me seething. I have so much anger and frustration, and feelings of strangeness in me. I’m just not sure what to call it. I feel like, hmmm, like I’m not me. That sounds nuts, but I will try and explain some of the $hit I have been feeling.

Lately I have been having numbness in my arms, and my face a lot of which happens with my lips and cheeks. I feel lost, and helpless, and hopeless. I’m not present. I am not sure if it’s the ADHD, or some brain malfunction...but my memory is almost none existent. I have lost my vocabulary. I am slower than ever. In my mind I think one thing, but when it reaches my lips it’s all wrong. I am terrified.

I am not one to be angry. I would feel it on occasion like everyone, but it was always concealed and controlled. Now the anger is intense. I feel strained trying to keep it in check. I want to scream, to cause injury, to enact some sort of revenge. I am not big on conflict, but I feel like one more thing is just going to cause me to explode. I’m not worried about anyone’s safety. I am not a violent man, and that will remain. So what is a guy to do? I just don’t think I can take anymore $hit. I have been dumped on, ridiculed, belittled, cheated, made to feel tiny, to not feel worthy, disrespected, used, worthless... I am surrounded by this, and tormented daily. It’s a form of bullying, guised in “help” and their imposed desire to “fix me” or “make me better”.

What the he!! am I supposed to do? Some of it happens in a place that helps me squeak by in life, the other happens close to my heart. Either, moreover, or... I am almost trapped in this vicious game.

I want to get rid of this evil blackness growing inside me. I am so used to being in the blackness of depression, but so unprepared for this. I keep hoping it’s a drug reaction, stop a pill and I will go back to normal (whatever that is)...why would someone become so isolated with so many loving people around. Hmmm, that is what I hear sufferers of bullying say. It’s so lonely. I’m so lonely. I can be in a room full of people, but not be present – my mind racing from one thought to the next, all of which are debilitating conversations with myself. Just me and me in my head belittling me, accusing me, telling me to shut up, to smile, to answer, to laugh – whatever reaction that suits that conversation or moment.

The idiot in my head is so cruel. He has no name, but he calls me plenty. He prevents me from being me. I have become so resentful, easily hurt, and easily angered. I have lost ALL abilities to forgive, to forget. I stew in this broth of hatred. I don’t know this me, but he is ever present and controlling and ruining my already $hity life.

This seems so crazy. I am so used to depression, mania, utter despair, fear - but I cannot deal with these feelings, they are so foreign to me. I can’t even deal with these feelings of such helplessness that I am extremely suicidal...suicidal...I have been suicidal for most of my life, but this feels so abnormal. I look forward to bed. When I can pop some pills and disappear for at least a while. Hmm, what a fuking loser.

I keep wanting to escape, to hide from EVERYTHING, but that isn’t how life works – fight or die... I realise

most people just get up and dust themselves off and move on – I am not a “normal” person. I am completely fuked in the head. The Bipolar, the Anxiety Disorder, the ADHD, and all the other diagnoses that I keep forgetting – I am FAR from normal. I only hope to one day embrace that and LIVE. I know that will never happen. My life is $hit, and sooner rather than later I will die. I have no future – I am 44...I have no career...I am single...I am ugly...I am fat...I am stupid...and I have NOTHING. I am basically just wasting everybody’s oxygen.

Sorry for the lack of lightness...I just needed to share. Share or explode. I am sadly not feeling any solace from spewing this stupid stuff...this ignorant me...this horrible waste of skin called Dan.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

One Day Late – Shocking

2013-08-19T22:17:00.000-06:00

The death of one’s spirit forces them to approach the cliff with less wonder and more determination.

I can’t really smell the flowers anymore; The sun has somewhat dulled; The glimmer of the stars have faded into the blackness that once accented their brilliance; My heart is heavier; My eyes sore and red from the ever present tears; My soul is dying...

Compassion kills – That is what should be on the packaging of life, a big heart with skull and crossbones, like the old-school poison symbol on bottles. I am tired to death of caring what people think about me or what I say or how I say it or don’t say it. Always worried that I will hurt their feelings; how they think about me...

I am exhausted and crushed by how small I have become. How tiny my world is. How little I matter to me and this planet. I have tried – tried to talk to people, and I either feel stupid for what I have said or how I don’t matter or how wrong I am or how worthless I am. Is it my perception or true – does it matter – does it make it any easier – nope.

I guess the question is: How much longer can I fake a smile or laugh at a joke or answer, “I’m good, thank you” – I am the joke...

I ask myself every day, multiple times, “How much longer?” A day, a week, a month – I can’t think beyond a month. If I was a betting man (which I am not – except when I am at the horse races or the casino J) I would bet on number 5 to place or all on black... The professionals call Bipolar Disorder a “life-threatening” illness, something that I haven’t really mulled over too much. I mean sure I thought, hmmm...when I first heard it, and probably had that same reaction the second, third and so on and so forth – but this past several weeks I have really thought about it and how it relates to me – I guess for me, today, it’s like a doctor telling you have 5 months to live. You’re in shock, then tears, then anger, then acceptance – I am almost at acceptance... Does that mean you should embrace it and make every moment count, say your goodbyes and welcome the soothing comfort in the love that surrounds you...Or do you, like I plan, shut yourself off from everyone, become silent and fade into the background; until you're forgotten... Death frightens us all, whether staring it in the face or to know its around the corner – no matter the mask, the tale, the story or the context in which it was forged – it’s everywhere and affects everyone differently. I am afraid of it (the act of it) not the result, but I am more afraid of living...

I have, through all of this, decided to sign up for an 8 week Creative Writing course at Mount Royal University. I will also be completing the “Land Administration Certificate Program” at SAIT. Two positive things invading my life for the next little bit, something to help tether me to this world.

Several days ago I decided it was time to start looking for opportunities to socialize that perhaps I was ready to look at dating, but then I remembered how ugly I am, how stupid I am, how fucked in the head I am – so that came crashing down and brought me back to reality...

So back to plan “A” twice removed; hide, keep your head down, talk to no one, and if you have to, just

smile and ask them what they think about the question they asked – don’t offer your opinion, keep ideas close to your chest, show no one – just converse in your head or when alone talk to yourself. Let your brain die as fast as your soul. Climb into the bubble and remain there until your death, and hope it is a swift one.

BP is a tar pit formed by fake fears, misunderstandings, medical issues, outside stressors, inside stressors, cruelty, anger, selfishness, ignorance, doubt. It is real - for those that think it’s not feel free to ask the doc if you can try my brain out when I’m gone – for most it will be an upgrade. J

I was hoping this post would be a little lighter, but I just started writing and this all came pouring out.

I will end this post with a little poem I first saw while working at the Olympics in 1988 and just recently found again, by accident, while on that there internet:

When I awoke one morning

When all sweet things are born

A robin perched upon my sill

To signal the coming morn.

The bird was young, fragile and gay

And sweetly did it sing

Thoughts of happiness and joy

Into my heart did bring.

I smiled softly at the cheering song

Then as it paused a moments lull

I gently closed the window

And crushed its' fucking skull.

Forge on – one must do, should they want a better life, or just jump off the ride while it’s moving quickly enough to ensure....

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

A poet I am not, nor sculptor, nor painter, nor writer too – I am what I am, how about you???

2013-08-11T22:22:00.000-06:00

Hey folks I wanted to add to the title above “though I may not have the talent to achieve success in these arts, I promise you I have the angst... :/ ” but it be too darn long for a title J

Like I mentioned in my last post I was hoping to blog a little more often (I will say sorry here to those that accidentally happen to see my blog – run now before you are dragged into my strangeness). This post will be a lot shorter than the last, but like the last it will be terrible...

It all started... no I am not prepared, nor cruel enough to tell you my whole life story although it is an amazing action packed, always colourful tale (not really any of that). J

I was at a session with pdoc (Dr N) who works in my pdocs office, as my pdoc (Dr M) was on holidays, so Dr N was nice enough to see me. The session was prompted due to my startling Dr N2 (his wife who administers the rTMS treatments) during my rTMS treatment. I was in a bad place, and she could read the

anguish I was feeling just by looking at my face. She started asking me questions to try and pry the truth out of me. My eyes started to tear up, a teardrop slowly slid down my cheek. There is no actor alive or dead that could mimic my pain, or my silent sorrow. My emotions were on the edge of overflowing the dam that I built to protect me from losing control, from crying. In that moment she asked me, after several questions, “Are you safe?” I of course answered, “Yes”, my stock answer for that question. She asked me some more questions, and my eyes welled up, but I could not afford to bare the sadness in my heart. The next question, the next question, the next question – then again she poses, “Are you safe?” I wanted to say yes, but instead I told her of the two, now one, thing tethering me to this body, this torture people call life... as I started to tell her that one thing, that one life hurdle that I need to make sure my son achieves and then I was done. The tears started to flow and Dr N2 said, “What about living for you?” I replied, “I don’t matter” (damn the tear drops are slowly trickling down my cheek as I am writing this). This statement made her cry, which prompted me to lose control and for a short moment the torment of the emotional isolation I created

burst through that proverbial dam. I had to fight as hard as I could to seal it back up, to re-establish the facade necessary to keep going until my goal has been completed. Hence the chat with Dr N. After I told him more than I wanted, he told me I needed to take a break from life. He suggested I take a weekend, or however long I needed, to get away from the two main stressors plaguing me, just me – just turn off the stress just for even a moment, to allow me to recharge. That I need to remember to do something for Dan, and to remember I have a disorder and that it is OK to be a little less sensitive to the people around me, and be a little narcissistic (to a healthy level). It made me smile a little, but inside I realized I never could – soft and cuddly I am.... just ripe for the abusing.

Sorry. I realize I told you this post would be shorter than the last, but I guess I had more to say then I first thought.

Anyway... How’s it going folks? I personally feel a touch better after 4 rTMS treatments (July 24 and 25 and August 6 and 8). I personally, and sadly, think I need to do the 5 in a row to get the depression back to J) a survivable level. I just hate to ask them to donate that amount of time, especially considering how generous they have been (a perfect example of my over-sensitivity and care for other people, and my lack of care or concern for me). I guess I would rather die than inconvenience or burden someone else. Damn expensive treatment...damn healthcare system and your disappointing approach to saving lives – Which costs more: people taking millions of drugs (suffering the side effects); numerous hospital stays; the lives ended because they are not worth saving; preventing the ill the opportunity to get back into the workforce helping to generate an increase in funds for the individual and society, allowing them to be free of the tiny stipend provided them through government services and to feel human, a part of the “normal” world; OR rTMS treatments for one month with some follow up sessions (if you didn’t figure it out the first stuff is more expensive J)

Universal healthcare is as real as unicorns and honest politicians. I found this interesting White Paper

authored by the Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation: Titled, “Measuring What Matters: The Cost vs. Values of Health Care”. Provided here is a quote: “Canadians’ values reflect the desire for a more “personalized” health care system, one that engages every individual patient in a collaborative partnership with health providers, to make decisions that support health, wellness, and quality of life. Yet, health systems are focused on performance management in terms of costs, operational inputs, such as services delivered, or quality measures such as medication errors, readmissions to hospital, and mortality rates. Health system effectiveness is not evaluated in terms of delivering value to Canadians.” I highly suggest you check it out. Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation White Paper 2012

On a lighter note: my WiFi stopped working. On an even lighter note helium...

That brings us to the end of the program, which is when I like to sing my lovely closing theme, “I'm so glad we had this time together, Just to have a laugh, or sing a song.” Oh wait that’s not mine. “I'll be back, when the day is new, and I'll have more ideas for you, And you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too.” Damn that’s not mine either... Well apparently I need a theme song (opening and closing) hmmm...

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Well look who is back!!!! Stand up and Cheer! (but only if you can read while standing)

2013-08-04T23:15:00.000-06:00

A little hint it’s not Shady, and it's not the Backstreet Boys – it’s way more wonderful than that – It’s ME!

A four month hiatus isn't unheard of, like many similar forms of amazing entertainment of epic proportions

like maybe the occasional television program (for those of you that may be of a certain youthful maturity – the TV is that box that your game system is hooked up to, not to be confused with the other cord that is plugged into the surprised face on top of the other surprised face in the wall (those of you not from North America may not get that super awesome jokeJ). Beware of those surprised faces, because they are “shocked” for a reason ;) they are used to tap into such incredible power (not the kind used for world domination)... Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? Right the TV or TV programming – I am a little off topic, the TV is the tool by which I partake in observing Netflix (maybe since I mentioned them I can write off my subscription?)... So the point of this drivel and yes there is a point... OK fine there is no point...

I have been extremely busy – I think – I’m not really sure, as I am sure I have mentioned I cannot even remember what just happened, let alone 4 months ago J Basically I lived... I continued day after day, woke up, went through the required rituals of everyday life – making my way on autopilot, until it was time for bed. The next morning I would rise and do it all over again – basically on a loop... don’t get me wrong it’s not a terrible life, times have been worse (definitely worse), and perhaps if I borrowed someone else’s “healthy” brain I would be able to see all of the amazing things I have, the amazing people in my life, and the amazing opportunities I have been given – BUT if I am to do that, to observe life differently, then I need to be able to do it without Bipolar Disorder. It’s easy for people to judge when they haven’t had to walk in my shoes, to view the world with my messed up brain...with my doom and gloom thinking...my minute by minute thoughts of suicide...my sadness and tears (present even at times that should be joyous and celebratory) – when they do that, then and only then can they judge me (even then I may still tell them to fu%k off J)

Meanwhile back at the ranch – It’s time to talk drugs and other BP/Depression/Anxiety/ADHD methods to

amaze and often induce suffering...so pull up your chair, settle in by the fire and let the stories unfold..... I am currently taking Gabapentin for my anxiety. I have only been on it for about 6 weeks. My dose at the present time is 600mg. We are looking at increasing it every two weeks until I reach a therapeutic dose or until I hit 900mg, which is where we will stop the medication if there are no benefits. I have only been on my present dose for two weeks, and have already noticed a slight improvement. I have always been scared in movie theatres (not of the dark or a horror flick) it was the feeling I had to, during the whole movie, make sure I didn’t move or change my position of sitting very low in my seat as not to disturb the people behind me – the whole flipping movie, ruining the moment of escape into the story brightly projected before me... The other day we went to a movie (I was probably on 500mg of Gabapentin) and I didn’t give a shit about the other people. I actually enjoyed the movie in a comfortable position... Another torturous example of my anxiety is feeling like everybody is watching me. No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, it feels like everyone is staring at me and judging me – I will be at a restaurant/play/movie/shopping/walking through a crowd of people, and I feel like all eyes are on me, even though the people are obviously watching whatever the event is or each other. Like when I am at the grocery store, whether it’s putting the groceries on the cashiers counter, or processing and bagging at the self checkout – I always think the people behind

me are judging me, and therefore I must go faster and I start to shake and drop things and sweat and get the whole shortness of breath etc, etc – it’s kind of like high school meets George Orwell’s big brother. It has always been a terrifying and debilitating thing – fears that I have been living with all my dang life – fears I just wrote off as “normal” thoughts (the list of things that cause me anxiety is far too long to write them here) – but some I don’t/didn’t realize they are/were so destructive and have/had handicapped my life... Well, I won’t say it’s perfect with the 600mgs of Gabapentin, but it sure is a bit better. The other day I was in Coop getting some groceries. When I finished shopping I took my items to the self checkout and I didn’t give two craps about the people behind me. I just did my thing – truly amazing, I just hope it gets better – maybe at 900mg I will go take a short plane trip and see if I can face one of my biggest fears head on (fear wise it’s just a little worse than spiders, not a lot but a little) and kick it in the balls. Perhaps I will get to skip the shaking, the multiple panic attacks, the drenching sweat, the crying and stop the overwhelming desire to make them immediately land the damn plane... Here’s hoping!!!! Oh I hear you “healthy” people saying/thinking “Well I have stress in my life.” and “I am scared of things too.” – blah, blah, blah – again I would gladly swap my genius but chemically fu$ked up brain, for your less genius but chemically “normal” brain – then after you have enjoyed seeing things through my less then rosie glasses, once again: then and only then can you judge me...

More drug talk: I mentioned in my last post (a long time ago) that I was prescribed Nabilone. I am not sure

what the dose was at that time, but currently I am taking 2mgs and it is amazing shit. Thanks to them and numerous sleeping meds (note I was able to cut down on the Zopiclone) – anyway I fall asleep in under an hour and when I do I literally don’t dream, nothing, I just sleep...but as soon as the Nabilone wears off, about 5 to 6 hours later, I always wake up but groggy, so I lay there and go in and out of sleep, and as soon as I do I immediately start dreaming, wake up, dream, wake up, dream and they are the usual vivid hi-def full color dreams. So I am hoping the manufacturer creates a slow release pill... one bad thing about this drug, if I don’t let the drugs take me to happy sleepyland and I fight it to watch the rest of a movie on Netflix or checking my email etc then I eat and eat and eat (most of which I don’t remember doing). I even cook and cut things in my sleep, only discovering my deeds the next morning when I get up and assess the damage...

rTMS: Well kids I still love this treatment and I still highly recommend it to ANYONE and EVERYONE!!!

For me it still works, but for some reason it just won’t hold... Like I mentioned in past posts I can go a week or two and then I need to get a top up – the majority of patients do not require this amount of maintenance treatments. Some people need none at all, others maybe every month or two, some go for four months without – but I have not heard of anyone needing the ridiculous amount that I do... So people if you are able to get it DO!!!!!!! I haven’t had the opportunity to see if there have been any new studies on depression and rTMS – like I mentioned in prior posts, rTMS is such an amazing medical tool that scientists are testing it on a huge list of diseases and other ailments. With the good sometimes comes the bad...since rTMS is so successful, research funds are being stretched over an ever growing number of different areas, equating to fewer funds for rTMS research on depression/Bipolar Disorder. I better get back to keeping up on rTMS studies and findings around the globe. However, that leads me to my next issue...

ADHD – I am jonzing for some meds for this stupid disorder – I cannot get my shit together. I have no drive to partake in anything, no matter the “fun” value. I am consistently “spaced out” (no comments you, you know who you are). The fogginess stops me from taking things in. I cannot pay attention to anything long enough to get it done, whatever it may be. (Not paying attention = not remembering things.) I am so distracted. My pdoc said we will look at this once we have the anxiety in check. Since Vyvance (Dexedrine) caused me to shift into mania our choices for treatments are very limited: Ritalin (normal or slow release) which like Dexedrine is a stimulant, or Strattera (which is not a stimulant, but many ADHD suffers have very little success with this drug)....so...ya

On a good note: A ray of sunshine invaded my life in June... My son and I went on a cruise to Alaska

(thanks to a very generous donor, who shall remain nameless). It was amazing!!!!! It was an awesome opportunity to escape my evil reality... We went on Holland America: If you want luxury, minimal kids, and lots to do I highly recommend them! During our adventure we stopped at three ports, and spent part of one day in Glacier Bay...

The first port was Juneau (home of (I am not sure if she is still there) former Governor Sara Palin). There we participated in a salmon bake (I hate fish, but my son loves it so we went). It was so cool. We climbed on a bus and had a little tour of the Alaskan Capital, and then we turned off the paved road onto a very narrow, tree lined gravel road. We drove slowly, deeper and deeper into this forest. Then suddenly we were in this amazing and beautiful oasis just on the outskirts of the city. It felt like this well hidden special and secret place. It was a natural and very old forest surrounded by outcroppings of the mountain that loomed above us. They have this great setup, as you walk down a short path from the bus, you are greeted by staff, who usher you

to the bar (lol – neither me nor my son drink), then they explain what they have and where things are located and set you loose...there was a great buffet with lots of different foods (even ones that I like) and everything was fricken delicious. They were cooking the salmon on an open fire (my son liked it so much that he ate salmon until he was sick lol), there was homemade lemonade, and some old-timey dessert that was delish. There was a campfire with marshmallows, and down a short path there was a beautiful waterfall. They also had a local musician playing a guitar and singing at the picnic site (he was quite good)...it was

a great time, an awesome place, and it was so amazing that I could share that with my son.

The second port was Skagway (home of... I have no idea) it was beautiful (much more beautiful than the

name brings to mind) It, like every other port, consisted of some houses, a large area of shops along the waterfront, 98.9% of which are jewelry stores (I am not kidding)...they all seemed to have a minimum of two popcorn stores, 3 to 5 tourist junk stores, a few clothing, and 25 to 30 jewelry stores. I was amazed and disturbed all at the same time. Well in Skagway we went on a train tour, as our excursion. The train which was an original from 6000 years ago (give or take a century) took us up this monster mountain, on this tiny ass track with the mountain face on one side and a 1000+ foot drop on the other :o - funny enough the train took us into Canada. The place in Canada that we ended up (name escapes me) consisted of only a Canada Customs building (if you ever want to either escape America to the awesomeness of Canada OR escape socialist

Canada to the not at all Socialist USA this is the part of the boarder that you should use). The Canada Customs officials even had to board the train and check our Passports (they barely even looked), and then we departed the train and got on a bus. The bus then gave us a tour on the way back down the mountain. Near the bottom of the mountain we had to go through US Customs lol (they cleared the whole bus load without even looking inside)... Once we cleared that we continued our decent. Not far from the Customs check point we turned off the highway onto a gravel road into this little forest in the valley. We pulled up to this very rustic, mock up of a gold rush trail camp. It is built on the location of an old trading post/last stop on the way to the gold part of the gold rush. It was called Liarsville as it was there that news reporters stopped on the trail to the gold rush,

and after hearing of all the hardships the prospectors were having, those reporters remained there and just made up stuff about the gold rush to send to their respective newspapers. Such lies included: balmy weather, short trip from camp to the gold, that everyone was finding gold and getting rich, and how easy the trek was “you can walk or ride horses”...none of the facts like: the month+ trek to the gold, the bitter murderous cold, the lack of roads let alone trails, all the deaths, all the horse deaths, the starvation, the fighting, and scams. We got to watch a

stage show, it was very funny. That was followed by panning for gold. I found three super tiny flakes of gold (of course it helps when someone already put it in the pan lol)...

The next day we sailed to the Glacier Bay. It was cool (not cold but cool J damn I’m hilarious), but everyone and their dog (k really there were no dogs, but still lots of people) were on the deck to also see the Margerie Glacier. Apparently we were all watching to see a chunk of the glacier fall off “calving” (the explosive sound of it plunging into the ocean is so cool, such a loud boom, even the small chunks). This glacier is self sustaining, it moves 7 feet every day, but thankfully it gets enough snowfall to build that back up, hence self sustaining... Prior to arriving at the glacier, as we were making our way through the straight towards it, I noticed that there were chunks of ice floating beside us. They started getting larger and larger as we steadily moved onward, then suddenly (well it felt like it was sudden J) we were surrounded by small to medium ice bergs – I’m like what the hell, hasn't this Captain seen the Titanic??? We didn't sink, which I am guessing you figured out based on the fact I am posting this – or is it ghost writing ha ha ha ha get it... ya just shut up and laugh...

The next day we were on the open water... of course all of these days included shit loads of food J, I guess that goes without saying. If you have yet to partake of a cruise – please, please starve yourself for at least three weeks prior to your departure...you will need this to allow for the 5000lbs you will gain while on your trip. I thankfully was able to control my eating (of regular food) what did me in were the desserts...so many to choose from that I didn't choose at all, I just ate one (or more) of each lol - Thankfully, even with 24/7 food, I only gained 4lbs – I guess the average is between 8 and 12lbs. I could see this too, as so many people just ate and ate and ate...if they weren’t eating they were drinking...I also did some gambling, watched a couple of movies in their theatre, we went to see a comedian and another night we saw a magician, I even played bingo with the old people lol, we watched line dancing, I partook of the spa...and did I mention we ate. We also met a few people, most of them from BC ha ha ha... I should also, also mention the weather was amazing!!! Sunshine all day, with some rain and awesome fog at night (it was so eerie, but cool)...so beautiful and warm – locals and tour people were telling us how lucky we were, as usually that time of year isn't quite that balmy.

The third and final port was Kitchican: A very beautiful place, great scenery and the aesthetics of the town

were very thoughtful. I loved taking pictures of their amazing use of the natural landscape to build this tiny village. Plus wait for it – a thousand jewelry stores lol... Our Kitchican excursion was my all time favorite (and my son’s least favorite). We snorkeled and free dived in the ocean off the coast of Alaska. That’s right bitches I went snorkeling in Alaska! It was so cool. We saw sooooooo many Jellyfish. There were two kinds; there were these tiny ones (anywhere from 1 to 6in) they were clear with two pretty blue glowing lines intersecting their back/top. There

were so many of them you just swam through them, the others were this mean red (they sting so we were told to stay away from them) of course they were all monster large (well not super large, 1 to 2ft) they had super long tentacles – for one of them I had to swim 6 to 7 feet away from it just to get around, they were that long. There were loads of different fish, millions of starfish, and we got to see 3 whales off in the distance. So fricken cool!!!!!!

See the bears arse :)

Other animals I saw on the adventure, plus the ones mentioned above: a seal, numerous bald eagles, a bear cub, many deer, and maybe more that I cannot remember.

Well that was pretty much the trip. I highly recommend you go, should you have the chance...next I want to go to or cruise Europe!!!

Well kids that is, I am guessing, already too much reading (pace yourselves).... I hope to start back at regular blogging. If I don’t, please kick me in the arse to get me going!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Well HELLO World!!!!!

2013-04-28T19:35:00.001-06:00

Dear Folks and Furries – it has definitely been a long time since I have sat and put the proverbial “pen to paper” and shared on my blog, for this I am truly sorry. Excuses I have plenty, but I will forbid myself from wasting your time with them. Just know I have missed this dialog, albeit one-sided J

Life has been moving forward. With or without me it just plods ahead... I haven’t been doing anything exciting, although I did find another candidate for rTMS and they had great success with it, a truly amazing change that has completely rejuvenated them.

I still have great success with the rTMS treatments, except I just cannot seem to hold onto the positive change for longer than a week or two since being taken off Vyvanse. I am still getting treatments, but since my pdoc changed back down to once every two weeks things have gone downhill.

I am a depressed, suicidal mess... But I have a couple of things that until completed shall be my anchor to life (and so far that is working, not perfectly but it’s better than nothing for now).

Bollocks... I thought I would have more to say when I started this entry.

My pdoc has decided he wants to concentrate purely on my depression, and leave the ADHD and Anxiety until after we get a handle on the “sad-face time”. I am of another mind (and when one does a comparison of my pdocs education and experience vs. my education and experience – I am obviously the more informed person in this relationship) one that feels we should tackle all three simultaneously. Simple really: Gabapentin for anxiety, a hit of Strattera for the ADHD, and more rTMS treatments for the depression and BOOM - mofo I be allllllllll better.... J

I should note that my pdoc did prescribe Nabilone (y’all go look it up) – one of its uses is to help people

with PTSD and their nightmares in stage two and three of sleep. Well it seems this dreaming pattern can also happen in people with BP. I accidentally “better” explained some of my sleeping issues to my pdoc; one being dreaming instantly after falling asleep – vivid intense (not scary, actually quite mundane) but so detailed and in “full HD”, it was like I never actually slept just went from one world to the next and when finally dragging myself out of bed I was always exhausted (that and only 2 to 4 hours of broken sleep). So this Nabilone, even after just one small dose, took those dreams and literally dimmed them and made them more elementary. Once I increased the dose over a period of time, those dreams have since stopped – I actually get to sleep (it’s not perfect, I still wake lots – but it is easier to fall back asleep and I get anywhere from 4 to 6 hours of broken sleep – so bonus). Although I must also admit I still require a shit-load of sleeping meds on top of that, perhaps one day I will try and wean off of some and see what happens.

Hopefully with the freshness and sense of renewal that comes with Spring things will get better and brighter – until then one day at a time. Right now in my life I have NO reason to be feeling this way, absolutely NO reason – yet here I am fighting off tears, sadness, suicide – Bipolar YOU SUCK!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

“We’re spinning around, we’re up and we’re down. We’re talking ride on the Merry-Go-Round.”

2013-02-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry it’s been a while since my last ‘real’ post. My world, thanks to the increase of one medication and the removal of another, has been a few weeks of ‘crazy’.

Here is the link to the AWESOME Smurf's Merry Go Round song

Smurf's "Merry Go Round Song"

Last week, two days after increasing my Latuda from 40mg to 60mg, I pretty much went over the edge. I even did a Vlog via my phone throughout the day, but after viewing it the next day – there was no way I could post it. It was way too personal, and I was literally crazy. I am not sure what it is like to go insane, but it was like what I imagine it would feel like. My mind was going a million miles an hour. I couldn’t seem to control it. My body just want to shutdown, yet meanwhile it felt like I was bursting out of my skin. I was depressed one sec, angry the next, crying the next. Just watching my vlog of that day disturbs me. The next day I went for an rTMS treatment and the Dr Nurse that administers the treatment, made an emergency appointment with my pdoc. I survived the night, and then at the appointment the next day he gave me shit for not putting two and two together to realize it was the increase of the drug. He told me to stop the drug for a couple of days, and then go back on a low dose. However, I did mention to him and a million other people that I thought even the low dose of the Latuda was effecting me in a negative way. When I took it at supper (which is the recommended time to take the drug), two hours later I would be super agitated. I couldn’t sit still and just felt like I would explode out of my skin. My pdoc then suggested I take it at bedtime, so I did and my sleep (which is one of the things it was supposed to help with) went from my usual shitty sleep to SUPER shitty sleep... I still took it like a good boy trying to give it a real chance (as you know sometimes negative effects wear off) but nope months and months later still even worse sleep – so when the pdoc said stop the drug for a couple of days, I took that to the next level and stopped all together – sleep is now back to shitty instead of super shitty. I just need to figure out when to let him know...

Thanks to that bout of mania that I think I noted in my last post – my pdoc removed Vyvance and life has SUCKED ever since. Vyvance really helped me. I always thought Dan (me) was simply a guy that just wanted to hide in his room forever, was slow because he couldn’t remember or really register what people said or were saying, that I couldn’t learn because I couldn’t retain anything, that he would take on a task and when it got boring he would just shutdown and want to quit (whether it was a job, or just a task at home, or helping someone)... Well with Vyvance I functioned (my son says I am addicted) if I am, I am addicted to the life it gave me back. I had no idea how bad I had “ADHD: Inattentive Type”, and how much it control(s) my life. With the medication, I was able to get things done – and it didn’t matter if it was boring, tedious, or bothersome. I did it and was fine with it. Listening to people, I could finally hear them. My mind wasn’t crowded with other thoughts preventing me from paying attention. I wasn’t easily distracted by anything and everything. I could remember things, I could learn things (retain it). But now I have been off Vyvance for three weeks and the old Dan is back with a vengeance. I have found myself just hiding in my room, dropping out of helping people, staying alone, and hidden away. When people talk to me, I zone out the whole time. I have to keep asking them what they said. I can’t retain anything because my head is so crowded with thoughts and I am so easily distracted. So if I am addicted to that so fricken be it J

In the meantime, while I wait for my pdoc to let me try another ADHD medication (in hopes it will not heat up the mania) life is shit. Thanks to the rTMS I am not super depressed, and suicidal thoughts are basically non-existent. rTMS is the bomb people – I wish you all had access to it. Anyone with depression, any kind of depression needs this treatment!!!!!!!!!!!

I still want to Vlog within a Blog post, but I guess not quite yet, but soon – once I am a little less ‘crazy’!

I had a wonderful day yesterday with a house full of family. Crazy at times. Loud at times. Dogs barking at times. So much closeness, love (however that looks), surrounded by people you seem to see less and less of... Sure I had a lot of house cleaning to do, but well worth it. I wish I could have Family Fun Nights at my house every week. I really miss being social and spending time with my family!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Super Brief Update to my Last Update...

2013-01-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

Things are not super awesome or rainbows and glitter, but after two rTMS treatments the depression is not so deep. The crying moments have stopped, a lot of the suicidal ideation has stopped (sadly not all but most). I'm still finding it hard with no motivation or drive, but in time a hope that too gets better. rTMS it really is a life saver. Sometimes I look at my pathetic life and wonder why I should want to have it saved, but for the moment lets just embrace the success of the rTMS - I wish everyone could....

Sorry for typos and spelling, my laptop is still in the shop, so again on my iPad.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

What the F&$k Bipolar You Bitc$?

2013-01-18T23:42:00.000-07:00

So life update... Not exciting cause its my life. So anyway, someone me writes a blog post bitching about people driving slow and gets a speeding ticket practically the next day. Karma someone said to me...

Anyway, went to the pdoc and after some discussion we came to the realization that I have been in a hypo manic state for a monthish, maybe a little less maybe a tad more. I hadn't been honest to him, me, or anyone around me about the immense anger I have been feeling or the terrible shopping high I was getting; as dumb as it sounds people that is a Dan hypo manic state. It is a very rare occurrence, in fact my last one of any magnitude was probably 10 years ago. So rare and weird that it made pinpointing my diagnoses extremely difficult. The morning I went in to see my pdoc, Tuesday Jan 15, 2013 I was actually feeling super defeated, and feeling the dreaded blackness growing around me, by the time I got into see him I was crashing hard. I actually came to the realization the night before, following my ticket, that the anger and shopping were out of control. My son had been telling me for weeks I was getting way to angry and aggressive while I was driving, but I just blamed the other drivers and that felt like the truth to me. It wasn't me it was them. Same with the shopping, he kept telling me I better slow down, but I ignored him and didn't realize the high I was getting.

So here we are the pdoc stopped my Vyvance in hopes it was the instigator in my hypo state. Life without Vyvance is shit. I am back to not wanting to do anything, not wanting to get up, unable to focus and concentrate. All being super imposed by this deep, deep depression. I am extremely suicidal, extremely sad, and very tearful. I keep having horrible thoughts that lead to bouts of crying. I am very lost, again. It has been such an amazing run of feeling better, losing weight and getting things done - this dark place now feels foreign to me. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere...

I hope it's a short stay no matter which way it ends.

Sorry for typos and spelling, my laptop is in the shop, so trying to do it on my iPad.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Here today, gone tomorrow... a.k.a. Alberta the Price of Oil is Down, so Everyone Panic, Make Cuts and Raise Taxes......OR

2013-01-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

I am a little pissed at everyone participating in this sham we call Government (including the dumb-ass opposition; let's see what old dirt we can dig up on the present leader, cause that will help the province, the people - oh wait it won't! You're just wasting money on stupid reviews and commissions, just suck it up you lost, and lost bad, move on let's get to work on the real issues: more money for Healthcare, and Education, free Post-Secondary for all Albertan's, or something fun like that...). More so because I wanted this post to be about drivers that either bought their driver’s license from their "neighbour" also from some other country (sorry I know that sounds racist, but I am sure white foreign people do it too – kidding, of course all foreigners do it), or they shed so many tears the guy has to give it to them (I know that sounds sexist, but I am sure guys cry too – kidding, I know they don’t). There cannot possibly be another reason all these idiots are on the road. (Tasteless jokes aside: I mean ALL idiots; there is no color, no language, no religion, and no origin of birth that delineates one idiot from the next). Just one thing I must share, before I go back to bitching about politics; if there are two lanes (meaning 4 or more lanes of traffic), one on the right and one on the left (this is like the ABCs of driving) the right lane is for those drivers going the posted speed limit or sadly slower, the left lane is for those needing to pass ONLY(or like me, going over the speed limit) – don’t stay in that lane if you want to drive 60km/hr in a 60km/hr zone, stay in the God forsaken right lane! People unable to go the speed limit, just get off the road, blow up your car and look to mushroom farming in somewhere unimportant like Eastern Canada or Edmonton (jokes, just jokes people – not the getting off the road part that is a given). Scared to go the speed limited, you shouldn't be on the road; of course this can be overlooked for new drivers – but to ALL you would be teachers, keep them in the right lane and teach them the REAL rules of the road… and don’t award them their license until they are really ready…

Wow, what the hell – Who was so upset he didn't get to talk about terrible drivers, and then couldn't stop…. that would be me! Driving makes me so angry now, ugh… and by driving, I mean other drivers!!!!

So, Alberta politics – f#&k! (I will speak mainly about the Provincial Government, but I also mean all levels, Municipal and Federal too). The joys of a province whose, basically, sole income is based on petroleum revenues, great when the prices are up, for shit when the prices are down. Right now, they are down – so the panic button has been pressed! We need to cut, we need to increase taxes!!!!! Chickens with their heads cut off, and why? Because of a little debt. Do you know when government should panic about its debt? Never! Or when it reaches a trillion dollars, whichever comes first. Obviously you do not want to be in the same fiscal shape as the US is now, or many of the countries in Europe, but seriously a few to 10 billion is not something a Government should be sweating. Oh how can you say that Dan? I will tell you how (James stop reading now – yous be very angry with me if you continue J). Well first off, the only way for a Government not to be in debt is to increase revenue and/or decrease spending. Do we all agree on that basic principal? Well here is where many people may disagree with me (and that is OK, you are wrong but that is ok)…

Let’s first look at increasing revenue (sans worrying about spending). The Government has very limited options to generate income, all but one in the province of Alberta directly effects the citizens of the province. The one that doesn’t, (again for Alberta only – sorry I am not as familiar with other places, so not sure how other governments generate their total income), is the revenue from oil, gas, etc (royalties). Otherwise, we all contribute to the revenue of the province, be it Income Tax, Fuel Tax, Property Tax, Alcohol Tax, Fees for Services ie car registration, licenses, etc – not sure if you noticed, but most of those things included the word “tax”, because people that is how a government makes most of its income. Now knowing there are very limited ways for the government to earn/generate income takes us to spending.

So the people say NO MORE TAXES, the royalties decrease because of low commodity prices, what is next – cuts to spending. What do “cuts to spending” equate to? That is right, “cuts to services”. So what are the most expensive items on the list of expenses a government has? Yep, Healthcare and Education. Who cares I have lots of money, I would rather pay less taxes and pay for my child’s education. Bull SHIT! The tax system may not always be fair, but you have to admit there are many of you that use GIANT loopholes to insure you pay as little as possible, and there are some people that only pay taxes when they fill up their car or buy a bottle of vodka or a pack of cigarettes – however you look at it, we all pay taxes. I personally, like most people, hate taxes – but I like services. I like the fact we have an amazing educational system. I like the fact we have universal healthcare. If you don’t, and think you would rather pay less taxes and look after your own education and healthcare, then you my friend have too much money$$$... I guess a good question is, (I was only going to ask Albertan’s who narrowly survived the days of Ralph Klein’s cutbacks – but really people in the US of A have been suffering through tons of cuts over the years, especially education and healthcare – oh wait of course those two areas, cause governments always start cutting those areas first, as mentioned above), who likes cuts – not me… Oh wait, this is where people say, “but there are other places governments can make cuts, like government officials salaries, money to the poor (who are probably just lazy people scamming the system), or salaries for unionized workers, or benefits to government employees and officials” – seriously people, the only way to make a large enough dent in the expense column is via Education, Healthcare, and Roads and Infrastructure… Those other things that piss you off about government spending, don’t equate to shit when you look at the actual list of expenditures. Fine you can cut them, for no other reason except so you can feel better, but there will still need to be cuts to the aforementioned areas.

Well now armed with the knowledge that cuts SUCK ASS and income is limited, how are we all feeling about government debt? Oh right, I forgot about the group that think the government should be run like a business (again James hopefully you stopped reading when I told you to earlier). So to that group, who sadly have huge numbers supporting the idea (please note that the majority are business owners, and people that hate paying taxes – cause they already pay too much, etc, etc), government is government, it is not a business. A person I know said to me, “if I ran my business the way the government runs this province, I would be out of business”… that is true, which is why a government cannot be run like a business. Let’s use some, to me, very obvious items that governments have to spend money on that would not work for a business model. The first example, roads. The government makes NO money on roads, they spend zillions of dollars on and for roads, but there is no return on this expense/investment. There is no BUSINESS owner that would put money into an area that they are assured would not increase the bottom line, and in fact would eat up their potential net profits. That would be like you, Joe business owner, deciding to buy a plane for your business with no intention to use it, just pay for storing it and its upkeep. Does that make any business sense? Nope. How about hospitals? Again no income to government, but they offer loads of expenses. Schools? No income. The list can go on for miles and I, like you, am already bored with reading Dan’s blog…

The moral to this little story – government is not a business, governmental debt is good and necessary, all cuts in services are bad, and taxes suck!

I also missed in my RANT, governments need to spend money for a city, province, state, or country to grow and generate money for the people. Austerity measures are illogical, inappropriate, and downright stupid. In government, you really do need to spend money to make money!!!

I want my city, my province, my country to be ran like a government, not a business! I want it to be for the people, by the people – not big business. Not ran by some rich ass in a suit that has lost his way/mind/ideals, and not by people that think fear mongering is part of politics/life… Oh, and not by any stupid people either! I know I should be running the damn government, but I am kind of busy this week, so maybe next.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee -uh n]s…

Dan

Full Circle, Via the Scenic Tour

2012-12-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

I started this blog a year ago, on December 30, 2011. My… what has changed? My… what hell we have gone through, and what we have learned and lost. This year, was supposed to be grand. Being 2012, it would just have to be good. I am not sure why I thought that. I guess I just felt 2012 seemed like a strong number. Maybe because it was an even number, or perhaps it was just all the negative hype that made me think it would be a year of great change and growth. Alas it was not meant to be. So, learning from our mistakes, tragedies, loneliness, heartache, and hopelessness let's move forward. Alright I'm pulling your leg a little, because I am not sure I did "learn" anything from those dips, blips, falls, tumbles, crashes, or challenges.

I started writing this post, as I laid in bed at 4:30 yesterday morning begging for sleep. I find in the past month, or so, sleep has decreased and I am constantly still waging the war against suicidal thoughts. Pretending to be normal, fighting to appear normal, to appear I have control of this ridiculous illness. Hoping that the more I pretend, maybe the more I will believe, and the more I believe will hopefully equate to some form of reality. I really was doing better in September, October and November, maybe even August (hell maybe even before that, I should probably read my blog and see…). The rTMS was working its magic, and the Vyvanse and Dexedrine seemed to really stretch out the success of each rTMS treatment. Thus allowing me to go from weekly to monthly sessions… Then… Then what? I am not sure. It just seemed like the start of December, things seemed to tank. Nothing huge at first, just a little half second suicidal thought. Nothing earth shattering, or even anything worth worrying about. Then like a virus, this illness, this Bipolar Disorder gets its insidious tentacles deeper and deeper into your psyche, and before you know what hit you, it takes over.

I realize I have options. I realize… But knowing there are options, and wanting to do something about it are two very different and distinct things. When this disease takes control, I don't know any more if I want to grab the steering wheel, and stop from going over the cliff. I am kind of tired of fighting this winless battle. Bipolar may not be ME, but it is an ever diligent agent of despair that is constantly testing my strength. Between not sleeping, and the realization that my life is really not going to get any better that any dreams, desires, or hopes I have, are just that, wishes that not even a million candles could ever bring true, I am wondering what the point of fighting would be.

I, originally, was just going to write this post about this anniversary of my blogs commencement, but sometimes when I start writing, things just come to the forefront of my mind and they petition to be put to paper (or in this case to post).

Is my life a complete tragedy? I would not be answering that truthfully if I said yes. Is my life complete shit, again no. I had one of the best Christmases ever. It flowed smoothly. Family that usually defect, as quickly as a 1980 Soviet gymnast, stayed for an extended period. There was laughing, and great food. There was tradition, and joyful chaos. I was able to provide gifts that I could take pride in, without the worry of bills and increasing my debt. I had my kids for the entire day! My son was here. After almost losing him earlier this year, I got the amazing opportunity to enjoy this Christmas with him. (I hate to even glance at the thought of what this Christmas would have looked like, had he succeeded in his attempt.) Except for not being able to share Christmas dinner with my mom, my brother and his family got her, but they were long overdo in having that privilege, this Christmas was great… So again I say one of the best Christmases ever…

Still the illness haunts, and the goodness, happiness, and joy try to hide from it, getting lost in the dark and empty blackness. I am not a religious man. In fact I don't practice, nor recognize any of the official organized religions. I have nothing against those that do, so long as they respect my decision not to. The reason I mention this, is not to stir up controversy, but to share a story. It has become a tradition that I attend church with my mom on Christmas Eve. She goes to a very inclusive United Church, so inclusive the Ministers are lesbians in a committed relationship with each other, and so inclusive they host evenings/sessions throughout the year where they invite leaders of other religions to come and share their beliefs with interested parishioners. If I ever was considering attending a church, or embracing an organized religion I would have to say their church is probably the one I would attend - but I am not, so please do not push. Anyway, this Christmas Eve the service theme was Celtic Christmas traditions - I only mention that, as a tidbit of information. The real reason for this lengthy paragraph was to share part of one of the Minister's speeches, during the "Reflection" part of the service. She used a story about a writer, whose name escapes me, and his tale of when he was gaining life experience in Greece. He was told a personal story about a little boy finding a piece of a broken mirror, in a war torn Greek village, and how that boy growing up marveled at the ability to reflect light into darkness - even into the deepest darkness, where light had never been before. She went on to talk about how we could be that mirror. How we could shine light on the darkness that plagues us, fellow man, the families of fallen men, women, and children… It resonated with me, and the darkness that seems to be with me no matter how hard I try to fight it. I keep pondering; who or what is my mirror? When will that mirror shine light into the depths of my darkness? How will I know that mirror when I see it? How will I ensure I do not miss this opportunity to have the darkness within me vanquished?

Deep thoughts on the anniversary of this blog based on the bipolar ravings of a crazy man…me; perhaps too deep... I know rTMS works, so why do I shy away from accessing it to kick start the healthy place I was in. I have a couple of theories; all have to do with worrying about putting people out, hating to ask for help, and hating to feel/be a charity case. Even though things are offered, my pride is ever vigilant in making me second guess the motive and sincerity of the offer. I always feel like I don’t matter enough for people to actually care. Therefore, they must be doing it out of some feeling of societal obligation, not because they just want to help. Thanks BP, I really appreciate the way you darken my thoughts…

Stay tuned for the continuing saga that is my life, or at least a glimpse into the diseased mind of a bipolar sufferer. Anyway, next blog post not so serious or long. I think I will share my contempt for people that drive, but shouldn't!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee -uh n]s… - my word, soon to be made official by the Urban Dictionary, watch for it. J

Try the link below
Link

Dan

Another Tragedy, Another Debate. More Tears, More Pain. Nothing Changes. Newtown Connecticut.

2012-12-16T02:52:00.004-07:00

I write today like many in the wake of the tragedy in Newtown Connecticut. I am saddened like the rest of the world that things like this happen that this horror reserved for movies and nightmares, can visit us in our everyday lives. Kids playing, laughing, enjoying their innocence one second and in an instant are fighting for their lives, hiding, crying, terrified at this sudden affirmation of just how vulnerable we all really are. Is this tragedy, this killing spree of 26 people including the act of matricide, worse than those we have recently experienced? The other school shootings, mall shootings, et al is this one worse? If so, why? Is it based solely on numbers, the sheer number of human souls lost, or is it the fact these are little kids, just participating in life as expected enjoying their friends, teachers, school.

I want to scream and yell and punch the face of the now dead perpetrator of this heinous crime, but what good will that do. How will that help the families living this nightmare that no parent, no human should ever have to face? It won't. So instead we look at causes to rally for, gun control, more secure schools, although these are great and meaningful and need to be seriously looked at and reexamined, I see another path, a path that will lead to some hope, to prevention, and to perhaps ending this epidemic. We need, and not just in the United States, but in all nations, free and available mental health services. Even in the magical land of Canada, we are responsible to cover the cost of a psychologist, sure the use of a psychiatrist is free, but they are not always easy to access and it's not always enough; leaving those desperately in need, to have to wait indefinitely for some potential help. Giant cracks for someone to fall into. We need vigilant parents to take note of their children's suffering, to not be afraid to search out help, to realize that getting your child help is not a sign you are a bad parent, on the contrary it is the sign of a GREAT parent.

We, the people, are the solution to the problem. Sure you can point at the President, or Prime Minister depending on your locale, you can even gripe at the NRA, but really it's you and me. How can little old me effect such change? I will tell you. You need to swamp your government officials with mail, emails, or inundate them with phone calls letting them know how this blatant lack of respect for law and the low value being placed on human life has got to stop. Let them know we are prepared to take back our lives. We need tougher gun control. We need to change our inefficient and ineffective laws to better protect us and punish criminals. We need easily accessible mental health programs and services. Would stronger penalties, punishments have prevented what happened in Connecticut? I think not. Would stricter gun laws? I believe yes. Would better mental health services have made a difference? Again the answer has to be yes, but all of those things need to be repaired to provide a balanced and meaningful system. A system where the police have strong enforceable laws, where prosecutors have the ability to take cases to court with a feeling of hope that good can triumph over evil, a system where judges have the ability to assign punishments befitting the crime, no more wrist slapping. Criminals need to know that when, not if, they get caught there will be hell to pay. Critical to this improved system is having in place mental health services and programs easily accessible to everyone, especially at an early age. Hope needs to be a big part of this, hope for a good future, hope for the safety of our children, hope that things can and will be better.

No Americans, I am not saying, your freedom to bear arms should be obliterated. I just believe it is time you took a look at the system you currently have in place. Maybe it's time to reevaluate what it means to be free to bear arms, what it looks like, how it is managed, and accepting that stricter laws/rules/ guidelines (whatever you want to call them) will not deny you your right, but instead will secure it. The old adage is true, guns don't kill people, people kill people, and so with that in mind tightening the belt on firearm guidelines will help prevent some of those guns reaching those people. Will it cure all the violence, obviously not, but it would go a long way in the prevention of some of these tragedies.

Bad things happen. There are bad people. Statements that hold some truth, but also a whole lot of misleading gobbledygook. Bad things "may" happen, and if they do we should learn from them, grow from them to better prepare ourselves. What is a "bad" person? Someone that has lost their way from drugs and alcohol, someone that was abused and only knows how to cause harm as they have never felt love, or someone that a broken system couldn't fix or didn't even know they were suffering - perhaps a small child that was pushed through the system, no one even slightly aware of the internal struggles they faced thanks to their mental illness. We cannot give up on these people, whether they are our friends, neighbours, family, or strangers. We can do this. We can improve our lives, the lives of our children, and the world. Those children and adults no longer with us in Newtown, Connecticut cannot have died in vain. Their families are not sitting there in complete hell right now for this not to effect change. This cannot just become yesterday's news when a greater form of violence rears its ugly head. The people must be honoured in a meaningful and relevant way, make what happened cause for sweeping reform. Force change, force action, force new legislation, force hope! We can do this. We must do this for the children, for our children.

I welcome thoughts, ideas, topics, plans of all types, let's do this together people - sign up if you are on board.

To hope, to happiness, to love and innocence!!! We will make a difference for all. Take back your safety and your freedom, and live a full and joyful life!

Dan's Blog 2.0 - Upgrade in Progress...

2012-11-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks - So blog post 220 here we go... Not sure if you noticed, but for the last three weeks I decided not to post to my blog. The reason is one of reflection, and this overwhelming need for change. So after much thought I have decided that with the change in the season, to that of the stark unfriendly winter; noted by the fluffy, white, cold, and only pretty in a picture snow. Now intensified by the setting back of my clock, making day become night, and night becoming sanity crushing long. I too will change.

The revamped blog will be more in line with its name, "The Bipolar II Ravings of a Crazy Man - aka Me". The new plan will be to dedicate the first paragraph of every post to an exclusive update on my life, inclusive of the changing world of rTMS (especially my continued drive to make rTMS available to the masses). Note: I hope to soon post the form letter to allow you to also push the government/insurance companies to cover rTMS that letter will come in the form of a separate post. - I'll keep you posted on the post. Get it, hilariousJ The rest of my new, and some may say improved blog, (those that don't agree with the use of the word 'improved', can insert the word 'diminished' or 'worsened' or ' you couldn't possibly make this blog any worse it sucks that bad' or 'super awesome') will be my view on a relevant topic of the week. Now I use the word 'relevant' with great license, as perhaps what is relevant to me - will be far from relevant to the rest of mankind.

With this in mind I will select my topics based on several highly regarded scientific methods;

1) I will watch the news, and share my thoughts on subjects that are not deemed newsworthy by the liberal left-wing or the right-wing or the centrists media- depending on your political view J, and therefore not actually on the news;

2) I will pick up a newspaper and randomly select a page near the back, and with my eyes closed I will let my blind pointer finger select the most pertinent topic. (For those of you born after 1990: A newspaper is a daily caption of the world news, similar to a blog, but with 'slightly' more vetting of the material. There was a traditionally used term, "hot off the presses", which we assume was literal as the news it provided was no longer relevant by the time it had been printed and made available to customers. Therefore, one has to believe that the newspaper, which is printed on dead trees, using what is probably highly toxic ink that smudges immediately on contact and directly transfers from hands to everything you touch, soap and water being the only exception, must have been warm to the touch when exiting the printing press. To save time and space I will let you Google what a 'printing press' is);

3) I will ask my dog;

4) I will ask one of the shirtless salesclerks at Abercrombie & Fitch (perhaps only for the more controversial and poignant world concerns like, "Can there ever be peace in the Middle East?" or "Which provides the best results with the least effort; tanning spray, tanning beds, or going granola and engaging in sunbathing outdoors?" (I promise to ask the tough questions));

5) I will listen to the voices in my head;

6) Realising of course that episodic TV, commercial movies, and everything on the internet are ALL 'factual' and mirror that of our everyday lives, I will definitely tap into this great source of provocative and meaningful subjects and truths. For an excellent example of their continued use of critical thinking and their wise without words ideals, one only has to look at the established and highly regarded, 'One outfit: All the time, every time', philosophy. This movement still used today by high profile rich geniuses, like Facebook creator 'Um what's his name? The guy in the hoodie.', was first established by leading edge productions like 'The Flintstones' (1960), and later duplicated by award winning reality shows like 'The Simpsons', and was even further triplificated (my word) by what I am pretty sure was deemed by Rolling Stone Magazine as, 'the show that sets the stage for what society is today' or maybe it was Time Magazine in any case that 'show' being 'Family Guy';

And the seventh and final source of my flawlessly relevant topics will be retrieved via my telekinetic skills that I hope to one day acquire from the inevitable crash of a truck filled with toxic radioactive material that instead of killing me gives me superpowers.... of course.

Stay tuned... Provided I figure out how to operate Windows 8, on a computer not Windows 8 compatible, the first of my many awesome new 2.0 blog posts will come to you live (not really live, as I will write it at some point during the day or evening and then post it - it's not like I am going to video and stream me writing my post)... Wait! Hello, who wouldn't want to watch that... let's keep that one in our back pocket for later, it sounds like Oscar material...

Talk to y'all soon...

My Life Characterized By A Movie/TV Title, Why Not...

2012-10-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

I haven't seen the movie, just so you know

My Life may not be best described by the movie title "It's a Wonderful Life", but at least it's not as bad as say "Titanic"; although many days I would say it's "Lost and Delirious", on others it feels like "Life is a Circus, Charlie Brown"; though not a description of my life per se, I hope the title "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" staves off the exhaustion felt by my sleepless curse; but perhaps, and not in a good way, of late my life would be best described by the title "As Good as It Gets"; I do however, endeavor to one day announce to the world my life is best proclaimed by the title "What's So Bad About Feeling Good?"....

So, here we are at the end of yet another tedious week full of little more than typical daily drudgery... or was it, yes it was.

Although some highlights include the eight hour blog writing marathon on Monday, as I desperately tried to complete last week's blog post a day late. This week I also partook in the celebration of one of my friend's birthdays. In the morning I took her an ice cream cake from Marble Slab, and we serenaded her with a beautiful (not really, two people should not sing unless they are professionals) rendition of Happy Birthday. Later that evening we (four of us) continued the celebration with an elegant (perhaps too elegant for me, as I had no idea the true identity of anything on the menu) dinner at a very beautiful, albeit expensive, restaurant hidden away in Fish Creek Park. Most of the week I spent a lot of time waiting in my car for people (well one person), while they were in appointments or school or what have you. I also spent an even greater time driving, and driving, and so much driving. But that just starts announcing the mundane aspects of my week that I had hoped to keep out like; showering, eating, not eating, taking pills, not sleeping, hating to cook, watching TV, not wanting to watch TV, helping people, not helping people - I am pretty sure you get the gist of it... J

My son had his 2nd last rTMS treatment on Friday, which is when I discovered they are going to take a 'wait and see' approach following the completion of his rTMS treatments. I am not sure I approve of the plan, as my experience has been such that this 'plan' provides the opportunity for an earlier relapse. However, seeing how each individual can have a different outcome in relation to the frequency of follow up sessions needed, otherwise known as maintenance, I am left with little evidence to argue with their decision. Should I be right (hopefully I am not this time, although it would be the first time in my life J) then I will battle with them on the cost of the solution to regain his victorious outcome. In the meantime, we will celebrate the success of the treatment that has given him a new outlook on life, and the renewed opportunity for a great future. I will endeavour to keep a handle on his condition, as much as one can stay in the loop of a teenager's life, so as to ensure that if there is a setback we catch it early.

As for my rTMS, which I have told no one until now - including my pdoc - I have decided to cease any further treatments, following this week's session. My reason for this is, hmmm... Well I guess, for me, it's time to cut the cord; to see if I can go this without the constant magnetic manipulation of my brain. I don't mean this in a bad way either. I still firmly believe in rTMS, and I will still fight for its inclusion in insurance and government coverage. I will probably go back for maintenance treatments, as required, but for now I need to step back and see what happens. I have not heard/seen, in ALL of my research, anyone needing the number of maintenance treatments I have had, which either makes me unique to the world, or more likely a lot crazier than the entire human populace. In either case, to better understand that, and to determine the true requirement for me to remain stable or even better to advance to a healthier mental state, I need to step back and re-evaluate who I am now and my true psychological condition.

In my continued fight for rTMS to be available to ALL, I am still trying to finish the government form letters I have mentioned, allowing others to encourage government leaders and insurance companies to embrace this 'medical treatment'. I am also still formulating the Facebook page for the same endeavor. I am just trying to overcome the procrastination that seems to plague most of my life. There is also one more thing I want to achieve, a far more immense task then the two mentioned, but every bit as relevant to this cause. I want to establish an International Association/Society/Council that will strive towards uniformed standards of rTMS delivery/protocols/regulations/parameters whatever the name, whatever the 'accepted' terminology the desired outcome will be the same; Doctors administering rTMS will become members of this elite group and adopt procedures and practices that they ALL agree will provide the greatest success for their patients. This will also help by way of strategizing/normalizing clinical trials, to formulate true outcomes based on consistent data. I, personally, have had enough of the chaos that is currently plaguing the progress of this treatment. With almost every doctor administering their own version of the treatment, the results (successes and failures) are so inconsistent that it leaves the door wide open for the misinterpretation of the efficacy of this technological advancement in mental healthcare, thereby providing the government and insurance companies the justification to pronounce this treatment, as nothing more than experimental. Is there more to learn about, and advance with this technology, hellz ya, but that is no different than any other medical technology or practice. All medical devices, medications, and even surgical practices, are routinely updated, changed, improved, or even replaced because of new technology or discovery of new scientific understanding. It takes on average 12 years for a new drug to make its way from the research lab to the patient, so why then has rTMS still remained classified as an experimental treatment although it has been in use for 20 years (including approval for depression by Health Canada in 2002, by the FDA in 2008 (reclassified to Class II in 2011), and perhaps given more time and patience I could provide you the date it was approved in Europe? Well according to some additional research (directed more towards the US, as their information is more readily available) it appears, in the United States that several private insurance companies have started to cover rTMS. However, when you have organizations like the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS), previously known as the Health Care Financing Administration (HCFA), a federal agency within the United States Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) deciding that, "... the evidence is insufficient to determine rTMS improves health outcomes in the Medicare or general population. ... The contractor considers repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) not medically necessary when used for its FDA-approved indication and for all off-label uses.", it makes the task of getting rTMS coverage that more difficult, and the indication for consistency within studies that more evident.

On a less political note, it is with great pride that I announce I am within reaching distance of 10,000 views of my blog. Sure it may not be Justin Bieber's history making record of 2 billion views on his official YouTube channel, or Eminem's third place record of 42,100,441 likes on Facebook, or even Lady Gaga's Twitter top spot grabbing with 11,301,137 followers, but it is still humbling, surprising, and awesome. I have been viewed in over 92 countries around the globe. The top viewed post of my repertoire of 218 posts, since my blogs inception on December 30, 2011, would be my September 2, 2012 post entitled "Where Has Dan Been?????" sitting at 614 views as of today. Not one of my other posts has traveled more of this increasingly shrinking world than it.

That has been my week, for better or for worse. Not one for the record books, or even page 142 of the Sunday paper, but it is mine and I guess that is how I chose to live it (maybe not completely my choice, but I still had my hand in it). Perhaps, as I have promised and mentioned in numerous posts, I will complete those letters this week and make at least a step towards completion or even just starting the compilation of information for the rTMS Facebook page. No promises on the founding of the International Council of rTMS Clinicians and Doctors, probably not going to happen this week.

Talk to y'all next week...

“Festival of the impassioned efforts and manifold ambitions of all forms of youthful activity of every generation springing from the threshold of life.” Pierre de Coubertin (Almost sums up my week perfectly. Well maybe not perfectly, but if I was going to sum it up I too would have used words like; 'of', 'the', and 'activity'. So pretty close...

2012-10-15T23:06:00.000-06:00

When we left off the fair maiden was cowering under the table, as the giant fire breathing dragon towered over her. But alas the valiant knight was nowhere to be found. Then suddenly he.... Wait, wrong blog or wrong story, perhaps not even mine...

So here we are the middle of October, in what was supposed to be a great year. I am not sure why, I just thought the number 2 0 1 2 seemed like a good, maybe lucky kind of year. Of course that was before I heard about all that Mayan calendar malarkey, and Hollywood started to predict our fate with CGI filled disaster movies... Now of course the Mayan issue has been cleared up, thanks to the discovery of page 2 of their calendar hidden away in an ancient house in Guatemala (in May). Phew disaster averted, or has it. I haven't heard the latest from the experts in Hollywood - if you do let me know...

In any case it has only snowed here once, and we have now successfully survived 9.93% of winter 2012/2013... Insert streamers flying through the air, and confetti, of course all biodegradable, bird and squirrel friendly... but still festive and, therefore, driving home my point of how exciting whatever the fact was that I just shared and you lovingly lapped up with your eyes... (Now of course at writing this, there are some rumours floating around that Calgary, Alberta, Canada, which is where I call home, (no idea why since there are too many people, and it gets cold, and white even colder stuff floats down from the heavens - potentially during every month of the year)) can expect some snow this week - what? No thanks! Didn't order it, don't want it. I would like to return it for store credit in the form of a gift card.

Number of Historical Photos of Canadian Thanksgiving on Google

My week, hmmm... Well, as some of you may know, Monday was Canada's official Thanksgiving Day. Now I am very familiar with the reasons for the American version. I have heard the stories, watched the TV specials, and even partook in Charlie Brown's vision of its wonder - But I, until now after a little research, had no idea why we (Canada) celebrated it. So apparently we, Canadians, used Thanksgiving Day for a variety of reasons from 1604 (for I am not sure I guess just being thankful); 1763 (the end to the Seven Years' War); 1799 (off and on, not sure how that was determined); following the American Revolution, American Thanksgiving traditions like having turkey started to appear, as American refugees (them that still treasured Great Britain) migrated north; then blah blah 1800 whatever the west did this, the east did that; the first Canadian Federation Thanksgiving Day (actual civic holiday) was on April 5, 1872 (and in our strange Canadian fashion it was actually to celebrate the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII) feeling better after some serious illness); then more blah blah in 1957, it was officially declared to be the second Monday in October. "The theme of the Thanksgiving holiday also changed each year to reflect an important event to be thankful for. In its early years it was for an abundant harvest and occasionally for a special anniversary." - Now I know this all to be factual, as I referenced Wikipedia for all the data. (and we know if it's on Wikipedia, it is gospel.) That there kids, is some vital and chilling history, no one should be without... except all of us that read it. J I celebrated the special day in jammies and did nothing... yay me.

The week was like most, up and out the door - drop son off at school, help friend, pick up son from school, take son to rTMS treatment... and so on and so on... He is doing very well with treatments, no issues and huge positive changes - damn, if you know anyone with depression or Bipolar depression send them for rTMS - yes it costs a mitt full of $$$$, but worth every penny (do we still have pennies, if not it's worth every nickel)! I really must get those darn form letters done, and that Facebook page created... I have to get this life changing treatment COVERED for everyone. Let's shoot for the end of this week for at least the letters, and see what transpires...

I have still been struggling with the dosage of this damn Dexedrine. I seem to be able to cover off a day, if I don't get out of bed until 12 or 1pm, but if I have to start the day early I am a wreck. I start off ok taking 20mg, but trying to space the remainder of the dose over the day is killer. I have tried 20mg, then 10mg, 10mg, and 10mg (so basically maintaining the prescribed dose, but spreading it out over the, way too long, day with a dose administered about every 3.5 to 4 hours). That did not go so well. The drug only seems to last about 3 hours, and when you ingest a Dexedrine it takes about an hour to start working, so I would have these huge patches of the day that I would be crashing (not fun, tight throat, dry mouth, heavy chest, sometime arm and chest pain - blah I think I already bored you with this). Anyway, it would happen 4 or 5 times a day, and the one at the end of the day was almost unbearable. So I said screw it to 50mg a day, and at writing this (Mon Oct 15/12) I decided to take 60mg today (20, 20, 10, 10mg spaced every 3 hours) and so far so good. No crashes, although I am feeling pretty tired all of a sudden, and my final dose isn't due until 6:15pm (it's 5:24pm/update to this update - still writing, well proof reading, it's 7:09pm. I did not take the 6:15pm dose, as I am trying to hurry for my son to get the computer - so far still just super tired no other bad stuff....yet). Whatever, I spoke to my pdoc today, (for two seconds, as I did not have an appointment, but I was there for rTMS so I figured what the hey) as Dr N suggested I get some 'cards' from my pdoc for Vyvanse. Then if it works he can see if my extended medical will make an exception and cover it. So with cards in hand I tried to get the prescription filled today, but my pharmacy's computer system was down. L Perhaps I will start Wednesday. Vyvanse 'should' last longer than the Dexedrine Spansules that I am currently taking - 'should' being the key word - Like I am sure I mentioned, Vyvanse is just a hi-tech version of Dexedrine. Supposed to last longer, and is smoother - no crashes... Eases you in and eases you out. We shall see. It seems to work well for my son, so why not. If this doesn't work, Dr N suggested I try the Ritalin family. Ritalin has a hi-tech version as well, called Concerta; same premise as Vyvanse, but a different technology for its timed release. They are both 'one a day' pills, which sounds awesome to me...

He is literally this old.

Saw my new Family Doc this week as well. Nothing exciting, I just needed some IBS prescripts filled, and I wanted to update him on my current meds, and how the facet injections have fared my back. The cool thing is, although it took a bit to get an appointment (a little over a week), I only had to sit there for 15 minutes waiting for him (I was there on time). Still my old doc you were there for hours, as he tried to keep up (I swear they constantly double booked appointments.)... Speaking of IBS - Dexedrine has saved me. And with weight loss too... J Double whammy of awesomeness!

Wednesday, October 10 was my mommy's birthday, so we took her out for, a not so grand, supper. We went to the casino - the food is usually pretty good, and reasonable, but on this night not so much. Every Wednesday is Asian night. I was thinking, Native casino = very bad western Chinese food... But no, it actually = bad eastern Asian food. Well those of you that like traditional Asian cuisine, would disagree with me and probably tell me it is actually good. Some proof to back you would be the very large number of Asian patrons, and the substantial lineups for the Sushi Bar. For me however, not so much - kind of just ate a little salad, and a couple of pieces of dessert. But they did bring a piece of cake with a candle in it and sang Happy Birthday to my mom, so that was nice... We, well not all of us, then partook in some gambling. I really shouldn't be allowed. I am a 'just one more' guy. I started on the slots, put in twenty, won a little, lost a little more, and then cashed out at $20.50. BUT then I was, "oh just one more." I put in another twenty, and once again lost some, won some, lost some more, then cashed out at $30.50. Having still not lost any money, I figured 'just one more'. So I took the $10 that I won, and put it back in the machine, boom it was gone! Prior to this, I was taking my time with the one arm bandit - wanted to feel like I got some sort of satisfaction of time between start and the loss of all my money. This last time the $10 went way to fast. So what do I do??? I take a twenty dollar bill to the change making machine, and break it into $5's. Then I make my way over to where my son and nephew are standing. My nephew was wondering where the million dollar machines were, I am like, "Over there, where the giant flashing sign says 'A Million Dollars' (or something). So we wander over to the machines, and discover each spin is $1 (the slot machine I was playing earlier was a nickel a spin). We figure what the heck, and we each put $5 into our machines. Boom it was gone in two seconds, and we were still no richer. Then I had been eyeing my favourite game - the big 'spin the wheel' thingy that has various amounts of Canadian currency on it, the lower the value of the currency the more it appears on the wheel. You then bet whatever you feel comfortable, on the currency you think the wheel will land on. The value of the currency, times the value of your bet = your win, or in more cases your loss... I have no idea why I love the game, but I do. So we played that for a long 'casino' moment - seemed like a good amount of time, and was fun. I started losing, as usual, but then my tide turned and I hit a $20 (with a giant $2 bet J), and then a $10 or two (again with sadly small bets) in any case I finally left the building up $35.... not a lot by any stretch of the imagination, but still not a loss - unless you count the money I spent on that food... J

So sleep has been for SH#T, as usual... I have been struggling to get to bed, as someone doesn't want to go to bed. He (not mentioning any names/my son) instead wants me to play video games with him. We don't spend a lot of time together, so how can I turn him down. We have been playing Resident Evil 6, which is actually fun (when I am not being yelled at, because I am doing this wrong, or I'm too slow, or can't aim). We have finished the first campaign; there are still two more to go. The last couple of days he has been busy with a school project, so I have been somewhat free - yet still taking forever to get to bed and sleep (usually around 3am). My son's school project is pretty cool. It's for a Media option (not sure official title). He talked the teacher into letting him do an audio project. Sorry if I have already mentioned this. I find it hard to recall what I wrote in each of the previous posts (too long in between). For those that have read this sorry, maybe skip a line of two. To those that have not, the class he is in the options for projects are like; photography, vlogs, movie like things, mainly visual mediums. My son loves music, so he convinced the teacher to let him engineer/produce a song. He borrowed some equipment from the school, downloaded some programs (free for thirty day trial), then met up with a couple of his friends and set to recording a song or two or three. Now (at writing this Oct 15 @ 6:18pm now) he is impatiently waiting for my computer to record some more, and finish up some of the work he did yesterday. So I should really hurry, got all the pics to insert and proof reading, and on and on... Anyway, I am proud of him, the song sounds really good, he and his buddy are singing and playing guitar, the other buddy on bass. Pretty cool stuff...

On Friday night I was minding my own business, and finally got into bed after cleaning - I am comfortably checking out Netflix (hmmm, perhaps that is why it is taking so long to go to bed, damn Netflixs and your Netflicory...) Suddenly my phone announces I have a text message, (hmm it was between 1 or 2am). I am thinking it must be my son asking me a question, texting is pretty much how we communicate for everything (at home or out). But nope it was the most awesomest person ever... She used to work for me in another life, and she is the funniest person ever. Anyway, it's been a good year and a half to two years since our first 'drunk texting' experience. So I was ecstatic to hear/read from her. She is mighty funny sober, but even funnier texting while drunk. So we had a lovely conversation, her in the bar, me in my bed... (keep a lid on the dirty thoughts people, it's not like that J) I totally love trying to decipher what she is attempting to tell me, hilarious!!! The texts eventually stopped, that's just how it works.J Eventually sleep found me, way later, and only briefly... but still some, which I needed for round two of my mom's birthday...

We had my mom's Family Birthday Party on Sat, October 13 at my house. Except for the cleaning the night before, I got off very well on this function. My sister bought and prepared the food for tacos, my niece made a salad and my sister (who was in town to visit) brought cupcakes... There wasn't a huge crowd, but good enough. I had two sisters, a sister-in-law (who, let it be noted here for the world to see, IS more than happily invited and encouraged to attend ALL and any events at my home (where family is not excluded J) - I suck at communicating invitations to people, and sadly rely on others to do the inviting - so I needed to put that out there to my sis-in-law (you know who you are J).... my mom was there obviously, and my son, and a niece, a nephew and nephew-in-law, and two great-nephews, and two great-nieces, also via Skype for a bit (my other sister, two of my nephews and ever so briefly my brother-in-law - from their home in Bermuda), and then back to my house - two dogs (they were entertaining all on their own). The two great-nieces are pre-teens, so that should tell you the joy we experienced with them. J We ate, we talked, we tried to play cards but waited too long, as my youngest great-nephew was ready for bed - and he may not have a huge vocabulary, but there is no mistaking when he is ready for bed. J He hadn't had a nap, so he did very well for a long time - I think it was around 7 or so when he was ready to pack it in...

Well I guess that concludes this immense piece of amazing literature. I hope you didn't snore too much while reading it. I did want to update you all that my once a week rTMS is still holding. Except for that little blip on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have been suicidal ideation free and in a seemingly good mood. I am still waiting for this rush of motivation, and drive (passion) for something, but I am thinking that might not be coming anytime in the near future. It is something I should, and perhaps will, work on to see if I can try and kick start it. Hell I spend hours and hours writing this blog, there must be a way for me to harness that and use it for my other writing, or some sort of education to aspire to more, to attain some greater future. Hmmm perhaps on that note I will bid you adieu...

Talk to y'all next week...

WTF? I am not sure what to call this week: A success, a fail, or an incomplete... Maybe a D or D-...

2012-10-08T22:47:00.001-06:00

Well I set to write this at, well at a few different times today (Sunday, October 7), but then I got distracted with picking up my son, and then company, and then at somewhere around 8:30 or 9pm (or perhaps a little later) I got distracted by (and I have no idea why) cleaning out my email inbox??? So strange, apparently I haven't done so since sometime in 2011... But I can at least say my email inbox is somewhat organized, and considerably reduced in waste. Although I did notice (not sure why I didn't know this - very sad, I thought I was smarter than that) that I have a 'Spam Folder' that was created by my virus protection software. I opened the folder to discover 100s of emails - some albeit spam/phishing emails, but also a crap load of legitimate emails from numerous friends, family, businesses, etc... some dating back to early 2011. Oops... So ya, if I didn't reply to an email you have sent me in the past year or so that 'might' be why... And of course, I smartly just clicked on each legit email to mark it as 'Not Spam', and they all just integrated with my emails in my inbox - so I have no idea which ones they are? Well that is not completely true. I just did a little recon in the personal folders in my inbox, and checked out a person I know that some of their emails went into the spam folder, and it does say 'spam' next to the subject line. That being said, I have already moved all of the emails from my inbox to the various personal folders I created to 'organize' them - so I literally have no idea which ones they are, unless I go through each folder... there are 51 personal folders, and some of those have sub-folders, so ya no... Anyway, as I write this, or start to write this, it is now 12:08am I am not going to be sitting here any longer. L I will complete and post this blog tomorrow (well today Monday Oct 8, but later) J

It was suggested to me that I should perhaps do 'highlights' of the week, instead of my earlier posts where I gave you a long and wordy look at each day... So I will attempt to do so in this post, please bear with me while I get the hang of it.

So my son's rTMS treatments continued Monday afternoon, and I received my maintenance treatment this week as usual. His treatments went well for the week. He didn't seem to have any pain, or other issues. In fact he noticed some positive changes, especially around the middle to end of the week. Thursday he started to feel a cold kicking in, and started to feel a little lower, especially as the cold took hold on Friday, and continued through most of Saturday (causing him to be very quiet and withdrawn). However, by yesterday (Sunday, Oct 7) he was starting to feel much better. He was able to communicate, visit, and even eat at the table with us, all very good signs and a pleasure to behold. I really think the rTMS treatments, and the Vyvance are really helping him. The Dr/Nurse, let's call her (Dr S) that usually gives us our treatments, has noticed a great improvement in him. She said that through her testing, (they do strategic psychological testing throughout the treatment process) she has seen his suicidal ideation reduce significantly and his mood lifting, all this after only two weeks. Very awesome! I can't wait to see how he is at the end of this week/beginning of next (around his 15th or so treatment). Every time I have undergone the rTMS initial 20 day protocol that seemed to be when I really started to notice a change.

This week we also partook in the exciting adventure of getting our hair cut. What made it so exciting you ask? (Well even if you didn't ask, I am going to tell you anyway.) The fact that we go to this cheap place, where you just don't know what kind of hairdresser you are going to end up with, is why it is exciting. Like Russian roulette, but with bad hairdressers and scissors, not a gun and a bullet. Well on this day, as we pulled up, the worst hairdresser they have (and I mean TERRIBLE) was walking in to the shop to start her shift, ugh. We walk in and sit down (it's so cheap appointments are not needed). Then the 'bad', no 'bader', no even better said the 'badest', hairdresser says, "Who is next?" Well I did something I have never done before. I threw my son under the bus. "You can go first", I said to him, with an apologetic look on my face. He gave me an evil look, but went. J I then took the next, not quite as bad, hairdresser. He hated his hair. He felt she cut off way too much. He only wanted her to take off three quarters of an inch. She probably cut off about two inches. He was pissed. I kind of like it. I prefer him in shorter hair. It slims his face, and I don't know, it just makes him look lighter, less dark and gloomy (I have no idea why). It could also be the treatments making him look less gloomy, because he is less gloomy.... J

After my son's pdoc appointment on Tuesday, we gave my mom a ride so she could drop her car off for an oil change. The three of us decided to go out for supper after, of course the joy of that was trying to figure out where to go... (I do hate making a decision, and apparently so do most people.) We finally decided to just go to Montana's. Big mistake! Why such a big mistake? Well for a couple of reasons: 1) I had NO idea Tuesday night is KIDS night, UGH!!! I never would have gone. Yes I have kids, and yes I like kids - but I like them at their own homes even more. Not a fan of really little kids at restaurants unless the parents have little angels, or at least complete and utter control of them, or at least know when it's time to remove the kid from the place if they do act up. Not relevant, just don't ever go to Montana's on Tuesday... Holy sh%t! It was so noisy, and full of crying, sneezing, sniffling, yelling kids. I asked the waitress, "What the hell?" She was like, "Yeah, no one wants to work Tuesday's because of all the noise, and since the kid's meals are free, the tips suck". J I actually did LOL... So ya, only go if you love, and I mean love kids. 2) I was crashing, as my Dexedrine was wearing off. So I felt like complete sh$t. The usual nauseous, heavy chest, pain in the arm, a little lightheaded, etc, etc... So I had to force myself to eat, and I probably shouldn't have been driving - but whatever J

This week I also had a shrink appointment. It was basically to check in, and to discuss how I was doing with the Dexedrine. So I met with my pdoc, while my son got his rTMS treatment. My pdoc was pretty cavalier about the Dexedrine dosage, and reactions/crash I was experiencing - basically most of the world taking Dexedrine have the same crap happen (according to him, every medical site on the web, and pretty much every forum on the subject of Dexedrine and stimulants in general). He also gave me a prescript for Clonidine (On Dr N's recommendation) to help ease me through the crashes. My pdoc also warned me that he has had several patients on Dexedrine that after 18 months on the medication noticed a depression start to seep in. Although it seems to be more common with Bipolar Disorder One, he figured I should still be aware. Since then I have tried Clonidine once, I will talk about that experience a little later in this post. So a bit later that day we went to take my mom to pick up her car from the garage, and a funny thing happened (maybe not that funny, but I don't have that much excitement in my life, so deal) J So here we are heading up the hill, from our house, to pick up my mom and take her to the garage - first of all I must admit to the world that I am a very aggressive driver (but frankly I am an amazing driver, probably the best in the world - I should really be a professional race car driver, but...) Anyway, I drive fast (and knock on wood, I haven't had a speeding ticket in, maybe like 20+ years) - which to some will be hard to believe since I am only '26', but it's true... Anyway back to the story, so here we are heading up the giant hill (Sarcee Trail, just south of 16 Avenue) I'm going my usual 90km/h in an 80km/h zone, and this white car with BC plates zooms past me. So naturally I increase my speed to 100km/h (why should they get to go faster than me). Then I see this large black truck, it like the white car was in the left lane, I was in the right. This black truck keeps speeding up, and then slows down, then speeds up, and slows down. I am wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy. So I slow down from 100km/h, back down to a possibly still too fast 90km/h. The black truck flies by me. He catches up to the white car, and suddenly the truck lights up, all pretty blue and red. Sh$T!!! I exclaim (more so in my head then out loud). So I slow down to a legal 80km/h, and change to the left lane, as the cop pulls the white car over to the right shoulder. The cop then sticks his arm out of the window, and waves me on (well now I sadly am not totally sure he was waving me on, or waving me to stop also - So I actually may have a warrant out on me J) - but both my son and I are 'pretty' sure he was waving me on... So moral of the story is, WATCH OUT FOR BLACK TRUCKS...

Since my pdoc was pretty lax over the dosage scheduling of my Dexedrine I took my son's advice, (his plan made sense) and started taking my Dexedrine 20mg in the morning, another 20mg 4 hours later, and then a final dose of 20mg 4 hours after that. I did speak with Dr N a day or so later to ask his thoughts on this schedule and dose, and he was fine with the scheduling but suggested the final dose only be 10mg. So that has been what I have been doing since about Thursday. Except I noticed Thursday night I still had the terrible crash, and little crashes in between doses. I still hadn't tried the Clonidine. So on Friday I once again followed the 20, 20, 10mg every 4 hours, and that evening I tried Clonidine. (which I didn't enjoy) BUT I am still not sure if my 'reaction' to Clonidine was truly a reaction. I am not convinced the bad feelings weren't 'effected'/ 'caused' by either the bleach cleaner I was using in my bathroom (no air circulation), or the crash from the Dex, or simply a panic attack - (freaking out over each symptom, figuring this was it this was the heart attack I have been expecting), or combination of all of the above... So yes I need to give it another try, perhaps... I must say that Saturday, since I was going to be having company in the evening, I decided to NOT take any Dexedrine. Perhaps a dumb move, no it was a dumb move, but survivable. I felt really tired, and had some, but not severe, withdrawal symptoms. I found it hard to pay attention to people while conversing. I was easily distracted, had little to no drive and felt kind of fidgety too. I couldn't sit in one location long, but not sure if that was just a distraction issue, or the fact I was finding it hard to function in conversation. I also found it difficult to come up with words. They would always be 'on the tip of my tongue' just out of reach of my brain. My IBS also struck with full force - awesome I know (As of writing this, Monday, it's still not as good as it was before taking the day off of Dex). I pretty much did it for nothing too, as my company didn't stay very late so crashing wouldn't have been a huge issue.J I did get to enjoy the meal a little more, as I wasn't as nauseous about food as I am on Dex. Sunday I decided on a new dosage protocol, and I didn't crash (well I noticed the start of the crash, but this was at one in the morning when I should have been sleeping). So the new, new plan has two scenarios; 1) days I have to get up early, I will take 20mg when I get up, then 10mg every 3.5 hours there after (e.g. 7:30am 20mg, 11am 10mg, 2:30pm 10mg, 6:00pm 10mg = 50mg), 2) on days I sleep in, 20mg when I get up, then another 20mg 3.5 hours later, and then depending on the time a final dose of 10mg 3 to 3.5 hours later (e.g. 1pm 20mg, 4:30pm 20mg, 7pm 10mg = 50mg). I am hoping the doses later in the evening do not negatively affect my sleep. Like I said 3.5 hours seems to be the longest I can leave a dose without having some sort of crash in between. Which sucks, as they are Dexedrine Spansules, which are suppose to last 6 to 8 hours (as they are an extended release version of Dexedrine). I guess not for me. We shall see how this new timetable works, and change if needed... On Friday I also got Dr S to check my blood pressure and pulse after my son's rTMS treatment. The Dex dose was just starting to wear off a bit, and the usual crash symptoms were starting, (chest heaviness, discomfort, etc) so I was curious how much of it was psychological and if any of it was actually physical? My pulse was something like 80bps, which is fine and my blood pressure (well I can't remember the exact numbers) but it too was normal - so hopefully knowing that will allow me to try and remain calm when the crashes do happen... We shall see, don't hold your breath...

Sorry John

I must say that although it sucks to be nauseous every time I look at or think about food, I am still losing weight and that is awesome. I am no supermodel YET, but I am sure I have lost a couple of cup sizes, maybe an A now... J Got to love moobs - Ya, no you don't!

Our Thanksgivings Day was celebrated, by us, on Saturday Oct 6. It was a small affair, but nice, in attendance; my son, my mom, my sister, and three of my nephews. I also got the pleasure of cooking the turkey (I do not find that pleasurable)... It is actually very gross. My mom thankfully started the stuffing. I just had to combine the prepared ingredients, and then shove it all into the bird. Ugh... It turned out OK, just probably should have cooked it for less time or at less heat - hopefully I won't have to do it again, but if I do (and I probably will J) I will hopefully figure out the timing better... I Googled the sh$t out of 'How to cook a turkey', just to find out that apparently everyone has their own idea on the subject. That night, sans the Dexedrine, and after all the people left, including my son going to a friend's for the night, I kind of had a bit of an emotional set back. It wasn't huge, just a few fleeting suicidal thoughts - I haven't had any for so long, I was pretty disappointed. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact I didn't want to keep living this way, with these stupid new drugs and their crashes, and my lack of success and motivation. They did thankfully dissipate, and I went to bed... Before I fell asleep I was doing my usual Netflix viewing, and suddenly my iPad started making all these strange noises. Here it was my sister Skyping me from Bermuda. Her and her husband, (and on a seemly permanent part-time basis their kids, and some of his family membersJ) moved there for a bit thanks to a cool job he got. We had tried Skyping with her earlier in the evening, but I couldn't get my mic to work on my laptop. She said she would Skype us later, but in the meantime I had put my iPad in my room and never heard her other attempts. So we chatted for a bit. I got caught up on island life, and she got caught up on our Thanksgiving dinner. She was telling me, and I could hear them - even with all their doors and windows closed - that they have these little frogs about the size of a thumb nail, and they make froggy noises all night long. They don't have that nice, put you to sleep in the country, froggy sound. It, to me, sounded like some terrible alarm, and it is soooo loud. Ugh... Needless to say, she has found sleeping there pretty difficult. I think they have now been there around seven weeks. It was 3am her time, when she figured she should try and sleep. Then I popped my pills and drifted off to sleep - well an hour or so later, for a couple of hours - but still some sort of sleep...

We ended the week with leftovers, me, my mom, my son, and my sister. And today Holiday Monday (Thanksgivings Day), became a jammy day - well not completely, around 5pm I finally had a shower and got dressed. One of my son's old friends was coming over, so I figured I should look a little less 'tousled'. Then I set back to writing this damn, I mean awesome post... I seem to be way too easily distracted from my conspicuous task, that being writing my entertaining and highly enlightening blog. J

I hope this post is all you hoped it would be and more... J Perhaps next time I will include a section on the many countries in which my blog has been read. The data obviously doesn't show who viewed the blog, (so don't worry people) but Google does document the country of the viewer. It's, at least to me, very interesting. I guess I don't really need to note that I perhaps failed at reducing the wordiness of this post by 'trying', with little success, to sticking to the highlights vs. the daily format. Sorry I will try harder... (At least this time I have only been writing for about 5 or 6 hours, plus another 2 to insert pictures and post... WTH Dan?)

Talk to y'all next week...

Dexedrine or stupidity? Not sure which kept me focused/driven/perhaps obsessed on two projects this week...

2012-09-30T19:33:00.000-06:00

I have spent probably a total of 30 to 40 hours, in blocks of 5 to 9 hours, trying to get my son's new phone to connect to our PC (never did get it to work) and the other obsession of the week researching/gathering information on rTMS in preparation of creating two items; 1)a form letter for people to send the government to encourage the coverage of rTMS, and 2)a Facebook page dedicated to recruit support to include rTMS under the Alberta Health Insurance Plan (and perhaps if the message gets out there it could help other provinces and states), as well it can perhaps help in educating people about rTMS.

Anyway, I feel like I wasted a lot of time, as I don't seem to have anything to show for all of my dedication - We even missed supper one night, I didn't realize what time it was until well after 10pm. I still haven't spent any time thinking about how to format this weekly blog??? So I will be lazy and just do it in a day by day format. Just like I entered it into my handwritten journal... Boring I know...

Monday, September 24, 2012 - This the first day of my sons rTMS treatments. However, I started the day very early to have my own rTMS treatment, then came home had my breakfast, tea, and medications and waited to take my son for his treatment (it was scheduled for 1pm). So we arrived on time, but had to wait a bit - they were running a little behind. Finally they took my son in. I asked if I could watch, but he said no so I sat in the waiting room feeling a little angry/hurt/ and pouty. Shortly after they went in the nurse/doc (let's call her Dr S) that gives me my treatments, came out and asked if I wanted to come in. They talked my son into letting me come in and watch the process of setting him up for the treatments. At this stage prior to administering the treatment they must take all the measurements required to find the proper location for the treatment to be delivered, once the measurements are taken and the cap is mapped (you get to wear a lovely swim cap that they draw lines and dots all over as their means of guiding the paddle), they set to determining his threshold by stimulating a spot on his left hemisphere, just back from the actual treatment spot (by stimulating this area his thumb will twitch, the intensity of the twitch determines the strength of the stimulation level - they are looking for a slight movement) the actual rTMS treatment level will be the threshold stimulation level times 110%. This is all stuff I have had done to me several times, but I have never been able to observe. Thankfully Dr S and Dr N convinced my son to let me watch that part since like I said I have never had the opportunity. It was very interesting to see. With him measured and the threshold set (I believe his threshold was around 50 something, mine is around 80 - mine has always been pretty high, I think originally when I started about 2 years ago it was in the mid 60's) I left the room so his treatments could begin. I was very excited that he had this opportunity, and for whatever reason a little nervous (typical Dan). They also told me that some studies show that the younger the person is, the quicker and more dramatic the results, as their brains are presumably more malleable. (Here is hoping that is true.) After the treatment all my son said was that it hurt like hell, and his face twitched all the way from his eyebrow to his jaw during each train. I assured him that his future treatments would be less painful and the twitching will vary (possibly each time) based on the angle of the paddle. Even the slightest change in angle can be enough to hit a facial nerve - it's nothing bad just annoying. We went home and each headed off to do our own things, me upstairs him down stairs. He didn't complain about the rTMS making him tired like it does me. I find it very interesting how everyone's reaction is so different when it comes to medication/treatments that affect the brain. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening trying to convince our PC and my son's new phone to connect to each other. I literally spent 6 or 7 hours doing anything and everything under the sun. I researched the problem on the internet, I did a chat with Samsung (the manufacturer of the phone) online, and I also called and spoke with a technician from Samsung directly, still nothing... When I finally realized what time it was, we had even missed supper, I finally gave up and went to bed. We decided we would try again tomorrow, and if it didn't work we would call Samsung again.

Tuesday September 25, 2012 - My son's second rTMS treatment, at 8 in the f%$king morning. UGH. I had to get up at 6:45am - those of you that know me, or perhaps even those of you that don't but have been reading this blog, know that I am far from a morning person. A fact that is not helped by the little bit of sleep I get each night. The pdocs, and many other people, don't seem to get the fact that because my sleep is so broken the longer I spend in bed the more opportunity I have to get a little bit more sleep... Whether right or wrong, it's all I got until someone figures out why I can't sleep. Anyway, exhausted or not I ate my toast, had my tea and pills, then we headed off to the pdoc's office. My son said the treatment went well, and was less painful but he still had the facial twitching. Then I took him to school, and I headed to help my friend. I should note that my son and I had a little tiff when I dropped him at school. The deal has been that he would stay for the morning, attending both of his classes, but this morning he was bound and determined to leave after one class. I am like no way, he was like whatever. I was, in my mind, f$#@ this shit, and headed off. My son sent me a text later around noon, when his classes were done that he was still at school and would be running late, and that he would text me when he was leaving. I was very excited that he had stayed the whole morning. Maybe an hour or so later, he sent the text he was leaving, so I left my friends house and met my son at the LRT station near my friend's home. When I picked him up he explained that he was late, because he stayed to attend a club (not sure what it is called - but it's a group of students that enjoy playing music and they jam together). I was flabbergasted, in a good way. The reason we met at the LRT station was that he wanted to go to Axe Music to get an electrical adapter for the new guitar peddle he got for his birthday. (For some reason I got to buy the adapter. I know lucky me... hmmm) Then we headed home, both of us exhausted. When I got home I tried again to fix the connection between my son's phone and the PC. I did this again for hours and hours. This time I realized we needed supper (but it wasn't until 7pm when this happened). Time flies when you are focused on a frustrating task, plus with the Dexedrine I really don't care if I eat or not - plus I feel nauseous when I even think about food. Still we grabbed some McDonald's, and I forced myself to eat a few fries and part of a chicken burger. After we ate I washed some clothes, and towels. Following that exciting adventure I went to bed, beyond exhausted. I think I fell asleep around 10:30 or 11pm, but sadly woke up at 1:30am, wide awake. Wow 2 hours of sleep, it felt like hours had passed since I had fallen asleep, but ya not so much. I still felt exhausted, but not sleepy. So I popped my Zopiclone (I hadn't taken yet), and eventually I passed out. Shortly after finally nodding off, I got to enjoy my usual cycle of waking up, falling back asleep, waking up, over and over again - but when my alarm went off at 6:45am, I was like WTF...

Wednesday September 26, 2012 - Another early start, as mentioned the nasty disturbance of the alarm clock at 6:45am - I then got to yell at my son to get up - then I showered - got to yell at my son to get up - ate my breakfast - got to yell at my son to get up (by yell I mean text J). Then with both of us finally ready, we headed off for his third rTMS treatment. We were a couple of minutes late, thanks to someone not getting up when they should have, but the rTMS folks were fine. They asked how my son was doing, and he actually said he was starting to feel a little bit of a change. We also chatted with Dr N and Dr S about the story we saw on the news last night. The story that was on all the local media was an announcement from the Alberta Children's Hospital about a new study they were starting on the effects of rTMS on depression in adolescence (12 and 21 years old). When I watched it I was like, why the f&*$ didn't you people announce this last week? Had they done that perhaps my son could have enrolled in the study, and saved us a crap load of money. However, there are a couple of things that would concern me about him receiving it through the study; I have no idea what protocol they are following - which I know from experience is crucial (meaning both frequency, and duration of pulses and the number of trains), as well what protocol will they follow for the number of treatments (will they be using the standard 20 to 30 days in a row, at 5 days per week for the initial treatment). Another issue would be whether not this was a placebo-controlled study, with the possibility of my son getting a sham treatment. Not only would that be a waste of our time, but more seriously it would be putting my son's life in danger by waiting. So even though Dr N went out of his way and called my son's pdoc directly to let her know about the study, and asked her if she would prefer to try getting my son into the study; we (my son and I) decided it would be better to stick with what we know. After all I have trained these people, plus I guess the fact that they garnered such a great education from their Harvard studies, whatever J. Success and the ability to get my son out of danger are far more important than the money. I handed over the cheque for my son's treatment, without any bad feelings. They nicely let me pay by cheque, it's not their normal practise - generally only debit or credit card (neither of which I have the limit to use for this purchase - I never asked about cash J). When the treatment was finished, I took my son to school, and headed to my friend's house. She sadly stayed in bed till I almost had to leave, so I had to find something to do... I decided to do a comparison of the Petroleum Land Administration courses/programs offered by SAIT, University of Calgary, and Mount Royal University. Through this comparison, and the table of information I created, including course description, duration, and cost, I was able to determine that SAIT would be my number one choice. Although it was more expensive then my second choice, all of SAIT's courses can be done online, as well once completed you receive a certificate, and there are only 6 courses which is fewer than the other institutions (therefore quicker results). They also make things easier by including everything within the price, no hunting for text books. The second choice Mount Royal University is the cheapest, but all of the courses are in the evening. This part time structure would drag out the completion of the program to over a year. There are also 4 prerequisite courses, plus 5 core courses required to complete the program. It also appears there is no designation once you complete the program. The third choice (not really a choice at all) is the University of Calgary. It would be the most expensive (although I could not get a definitive price), but since it is actually a Bachelor of Commerce Degree with a concentration in Petroleum Land Management, a four year program, it would obviously come with the price tag to match. No thanks. Not looking to spend four years in school for this. I just want a little knowledge about the Oil and Gas business to better help my friend. Then I met my son at home - he was playing his drums when I arrived. He seems to be doing better, not sure if it's the rTMS or some success from the Vyvance. I guess it could be a combination. He stole my computer shortly after my arrival, so I had an early night. I have been feeling so crappy - between the lack of sleep and the Dexedrine hangover at the end of each day that I went to bed just after 9pm. I realized I hadn't spoken to my mom yet that day, so I gave her a quick call. After our conversation I decided to watch some stuff on my iPad, and although I was so exhausted and I had taken my usual sleeping pill regimen - I didn't fall asleep until well after midnight. F$#%.

Thursday September 27, 2012 - We started the day off like we have every day this week - except today we got to sleep an extra half hour, his appointment wasn't until 8:30am. This day my pdoc (Dr M) was the one giving my son his rTMS treatment. Dr M must have done an OK job, as my son didn't have any complaints. I then took my son to school, and headed off to my friend's house. Again my friend wasn't available right away (she was still in bed - she is worse than a teenager J), so I decided to Google one of her companies to see what kind of info was out there. Almost all of the sites/listings were either completely wrong, or at least contained some wrong information (mostly the mailing address). So I made a list, including links and documented all of the errors. I am not sure when we will start the process of correcting everything, as she is in the starting process of having a new website built - I would rather have that link, when I contact people to update their sites. I found, what looks like a great, local company to create and build her site. She has had some bad luck with small companies and individuals, so I suggested the use of a company that has demonstrated successful results. Not sure how long this process will be, but hopefully not too slow. I left there, and picked my son up from the LRT station that is 'deemed' the closest one to our house. We headed to get our prescriptions, and get some food... ugh food. Still not eating much, thank you Dexedrine - still losing weight, which is awesome- but the feeling nauseous often is starting to suck - still I will take the losing weight and the help it provides in making my IBS better, even with the all the bad things it does. Again, I barely ate anything. I think the waitress thought I didn't like the food. So I got a doggy bag, we headed to get the drugs and then home. Man every night coming down/hangover from Dexedrine is a horrible experience. Like I mentioned above I start to feel nauseous, dry mouth, and then my throat feels like it's closing up (which freaks me out), and then my chest starts to hurt - which freaks me out more and a think I am going to die. Then sometimes I will get this ache and numbness in my arm (usually my left), which sends me over the edge of freaking out thinking I am having a heart attack - which is obviously stupid, cause I am still here and this has happened many times now, pretty much daily - in any case the panic continues. I start to find it hard to breath, which leads to more anxiety that makes me start to get hot (like a fever), and sweating at a terrible rate. So there I am dying of a heart attack, and all I want to do is go to bed take meds and pass out. Some people (not mentioning any names) get upset with me when I don't want to talk, or sing in the car, or what have you, but I feel like shit when all this is happening. Sometimes these obvious panic attacks happen when I am out in public, at events, or even just at the store. I am not sure if they are being exacerbated by the Dexedrine, or just my usual shit. Either way like I said when it's happening, I just want to go to bed. Pop my sleeping pills and sleep it off! At least I have no 'cravings or desires' to pop another Dexedrine to stop the withdrawal process - not yet anyway... yikes. It kind of sucks, like I mentioned, there have been some positive things that Dexedrine has given me. People say I am different, in a good way, since I started taking Dexedrine. More focused, more calm, easier to talk to, and a better memory (retaining more). I personally do not see any of this, but as usual the person experiencing the change is usually the last to notice. Then there are of course the other things like the decreased appetite and the incredible change in my IBS. Since starting the Dexedrine I have lost around 8 or 9lbs (over about 3 weeks), giving me a total loss of around 24lbs over the last couple of months - thanks in part to coming off that stupid medication (the name escapes me) that caused an increase in my appetite with little to no benefits. So only about 600lbs to go... Maybe not quite, but maybe another 36 or so pounds would make me happy - perhaps I should add exercise to this new found eating less, or maybe not...

Friday September 28, 2012 - Once again we started early, and headed for my son's 5th rTMS treatment, the end of his first week of treatments - wow time flies... Don't tell anyone, but out of complete exhaustion and laziness I let him skip school (I know I am a terrible parent). So we came home, and we both went back to bed. He slept. I, on the other hand, did not. Instead I wasted the day watching my iPad. I finally got up, and this is when I started the obsessive research into rTMS, (I have done copious of research in the past, but it has been a while). As mentioned the gathering of new or additional information is to assist with the creation of the form letter for ALL of you to send the government to force them to include rTMS under the Alberta Health Insurance Plan, and also as mentioned the potential Facebook page dedicated to force/encourage/promote governments and insurance companies to cover rTMS. This new researching escapade has been the latest obsession to take over my life (although I did take a moment to cook a roast, which I served with potatoes, gravy, and broccoli). Through this research I am trying to do a price comparison and availability of all the different companies/doctors around the world that offer rTMS. Sadly most do not post their prices. I have also tried to hit every 'Mental Health Support' website to see if there was any chatter about rTMS or other potential treatments. Only to discover that not only to they not mention any treatments, they don't even talk about drug options or provide even resources for such info (I think this is a big mistake on their part)... I spent well over 9 hours searching, copying and pasting, following this link to that, reading this report and that published paper, and even checking out health insurance companies and government sites and their evaluation/classification of rTMS... and still I have millions more sites to look at. Anyway, I finally went to bed around 2am, which put me to sleep somewhere in the neighbourhood of 4am.

Saturday September 29/12 - We slept in (not as late as I had hoped), but 11:30am is still way better than 6:45am. I had my toast, but this day I changed out the tea for coffee. Then I stupidly sat down again with the computer, and continued my rTMS research. I once again was consumed by one website after another, almost forgetting to make supper (something I wouldn't worry about missing except I need to feed my son, and I guess I should eat a little something). I also realized too late that I forgot to take one of my IBS medications, and my second dose of Dexedrine. It was too late in the day to take either of them, so I figured I should prepare for a terrible evening. I must say that the Dexedrine hangover still happened around the same time it does every day, but a little less severe. This interesting outcome has prompted me to try taking only one Dexedrine at my second dose time of the day, and see what happens. Perhaps needless to say my stomach was not happy about me missing either or both of those pills. I got to enjoy the usual IBS pains that I have been free of since starting the Dexedrine, ugh. My son, when I saw him for a brief moment, told me he felt strange. He wasn't sure if it was due to not having a treatment that day, or something else. I personally do not remember if I did, or didn't have any issues on the weekend following my first week of rTMS. I continued with the research. I still have millions of websites to investigate. Each new one I find seems to have another link or two to new ones. There are zillions of Mental Health support websites, some of which seem to have been untouched for many years and others that are obviously just about collecting government money to write reports for 'strategies/policies/etc'. Pretty much doing nothing, but wasting money that could be going to actual mental health initiatives. I definitely have a lot of information, and will have to do a lot of editing and soul searching in determining what to include or exclude from the Facebook page and the letter. Something I did discover, and wish I had before I sent my letters to the government, is the fact that so far rTMS hasn't been covered by government or medical insurance companies simply because 'they' have deemed the treatment as 'experimental'. Why is it that even though Health Canada gave approval to use rTMS for the treatment of depression in 2002, and the United States FDA gave it the same approval in 2008, they still deem it 'experimental'? I will tell you why - to save them from spending money. How do they rationalize this determination? They are only basing their classification on OLD studies/trials. I am talking studies done from 1999 to around 2002-04. They have not re-evaluated their classification of rTMS treatments even though there are numerous new studies. The old studies were deemed to be inconclusive on whether rTMS demonstrated any benefit. We know the technology has seen advances since then, as has the techniques used to administer the treatment, and so has the understanding of what the process is doing to the brain. So I searched and search to find new studies - the NIH (National Institutes of Health), the go to organization for research, has, (over an undefined amount of time their site doesn't say when the first trial was or how long they keep the trials listed on their site) conducted over 230 clinical trials of rTMS. At this time out of those 230+ clinical trials there are 111 active trials going on right now. Although these studies are done through NIH, they are taking place all over the world. One of the new problems I have discovered, through my research, is that scientists and doctors discovering how versatile rTMS is, plus the fact it is so safe with little to no side effects and great benefits, they are starting to test it on numerous other illnesses. This has fractured the trials, and I am guessing availability of funding. Where before, most if not all rTMS trials were in relation to depression, now a large percentage of the current trials are spread over several ailments including; it's assistance in helping to quit smoking, Autism, pain management, assisting stroke victims, etc... When I entered this day into my journal it was 9pm and I just wanted to go to bed - but another part of me wanted to turn my computer back on and continue the research - but that would have been foolish... The Dexedrine hangover was starting to really kick in; (it started at around 2 or 3pm, but was really getting worse at this time), feeling tired (exhausted), weird feeling in my chest, dry mouth, Phlegm build up in the back of my throat, and a kind of headache (not really a full headache, but something) - although thankfully not as nauseous as usual (I am guessing because I missed my second dose of Dexedrine), and my stomach killing me. I just wanted to go to bed, so I did - BUT - sadly I started doing rTMS research on my iPad until 2am - I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer - thank you drugs...

Sunday September 30, 2012 - Blog day - once again I didn't work on my blog at all through the week, except for writing daily in my journal... so here I sit at 4:30pm. I have been writing since just after 12pm (and I am not done yet - I still have to proof read, and edit, then post and find pictures - at least another couple of hours)... I just wish I would work on it, even just every second day. It would make the Sunday post a lot less painful. I started the day at 11am, trying not to sleep in too late, so I can get to bed at a half decent time tonight. I had my meds, coffee, toast and then I started this - I haven't even showered that's not the grossest part - I didn't shower yesterday either....ewww. I hate not showering, but I do like taking a break from routine. When I finish this blog entry I really should get to work on that letter, and the Facebook page, ugh. (But I still need to figure out supper, and desperately need a shower.) The letter would probably be the easiest to finish, of course that may be incorrect as I need to edit all of that information into a short but informative document... Ugh again... I did remember my Colestid this morning and I shall now go take my second dose of Dexedrine (testing the new one pill theory, which I did). Let's see what happens (I'm still feeling the hangover effects, which could be I should have taken the pill a little bit earlier or since I reduced it my body still hungers for the larger dose - no idea)... Alright that is my week, not overly exciting, but it is what it is - I feel less than fulfilled, but moving on... (I finally finished editing (only one read over, so ignore all of the bad grammar and any other errors) at 6:54pm - I still haven't posted or found and placed pictures. Finally ready to post, pictures placed 7:32pm - writing for around 7 hours. What the hell?)

Talk to y'all next week...

Time; it can be good, it can be fun, it can feel real slow, or speed past you like a bullet train. Time can be your friend, or your worst enemy. What time cannot be is stopped, no matter how hard we may try. Time will always slip by…

2012-09-23T21:02:00.000-06:00

Here we are another week gone without any great achievements on my part, no great successes, and I guess to be thankful, no complete and utter failures either. I, again, am unsure how to structure this new weekly blog, but again for this week I will primarily group it based on the day of the week.

I must first mention how much I think I hate Dexedrine, although I am not completely sure if it is the drug, or some immune issue I have going. I still feel like I am on the verge of a cold, but one that never quite takes hold. Sore throat, feeling lethargic, slight cough, all of which get a little worse than almost appear to be gone then are suddenly back. It's tiresome, and not at all pleasurable. BUT I have lost around 8lbs over the past two weeks, so that part is almost worth all of the pain and suffering (I have now lost about 22 or 23lbs over the past two months - once I got off of those stupid weight causing mental health medications.) I am sure there will be more mention of this, as I go through the journal I keep daily for this weekly blog adventure…

Monday Sept 17/12 - I started off the week going to see my pdoc, my first 'real' appointment with him in forever. I see him at some of my rTMS treatment appointments, but not always and he has been away several times over the summer. It was an early appointment, too early for me. I keep trying to explain to them that I am barely functioning in the morning thanks to no sleep, but whatever. I tried to do my best in bringing him up to speed. We discussed the Dexedrine. He figured we would increase the dose to 30mgs in the morning and 20mgs in the afternoon, then in a week up it to 40mgs in the morning and still doing the 20mgs in the afternoon. He was also thinking that we may do this for a week or two and look at trying Ritalin for the heck of it. Which I am fine with doing, might as well see what each of them have to offer… This pdoc appointment was followed by an rTMS treatment, prior to which my pdoc announced we were going down to one rTMS treatment per week. I was not thrilled to hear that, but knew it was coming. Reality is, if I have to start paying for my own treatments come January - there is no way I can afford weekly treatments, let alone the two one week, one the next week schedule we were doing. Worst case scenario I can't afford to go anymore and I end my life, best case scenario I can afford once per month and live in the shadow of suicide for my remaining years - Great… not really. I also tried at that point to get my son an appointment for an assessment with Dr N, but found out he books his own appointments, so they would get him to call me… Fine I guess… When I finally got home I was exhausted and still feeling 'sick', so I went back to bed. That evening we went and did our monthly Wal-Mart supply stock up. A great place to get all those household and personal hygiene items that cost way more at grocery stores… It wasn't even too crowded, and several cashiers were open - was it really a Wal-Mart, I believe it was at least according to the side of the plastic bags….. J

Tuesday Sept 18/12 - I took my son to school in the morning, and headed over to my friend's to help her out… It was a pretty average day. I did some banking, picked up some medications; then picked up my son from the LRT station and we went and got the early birthday present I got him (well he ordered it, I paid) - it was a video game of course (Borderland II for those in the know). We went home and I did nothing (shocker I know). Although that evening I did venture into the real world, and went to my son's School Council meeting, of which I am on the Executive as the Past President. I basically missed every meeting last year, due to all the shit mentioned on this blog site. I feel bad for that and was hoping that since there are only two meetings left with me on the Executive I need to attend them. It was nerve racking. I kept having panic attacks; sweating, increased heart rate, hard to breath, all the usuals - figured I was having a heart attack (not sure why I always go to the heart attack thing, but as soon as a panic attack kicks in boom I think I am having a heart attack…) Anyway, I survived it, and it was great to be interacting with people, even if it was scary. I got home pretty late, and then realized I needed to do laundry, which made for an even later night…

Wednesday Sept 19/12 - I started the day taking my son to his follow up appointment at the Children's Hospital for his concussion (the last time he will be allowed to go to the Children's Hospital, as he is turning 18 tomorrow (Sept 20) L). We got there a bit early, only to find out that they have no such appointment scheduled. They couldn't figure out why they would even make such an appointment with us, because there was no anticipated follow up. I am like what, there was an appointment scheduled for the beginning of August that I had to cancel because my son was in the hospital, and the lady on the other end said I shouldn't cancel it I should reschedule it. I said I wasn't sure when he would be getting out of the hospital, she said that shouldn't matter, as their next available appointment wasn't until late September. She said appointments fill up fast, so I really should just book it anyway - so I did… ugh Anyway, he is feeling much better, so we said f$%# it and left. I took him for a quick McDonald's breakfast (which I sadly did not partake, as Dexedrine makes me not only feel full and not want to eat, but also the thought of food makes me nauseous - even just writing this and thinking about food I want to hurl), then I took him to school. I went off to help my friend - I took her for blood work, and to the bank. She took us (her live-in nurse/maid person, and me) to lunch. It was so nice out, so we sat on the patio at Earls and enjoyed some sunshine and conversation. I know right the patio in Canada in September - what??? Then back at her house I helped her with some business stuff, and preparing some documents for mailing. (Not very exciting, but it needed to be done.) In trying to prepare said documents, we discovered that one was missing. I didn't think we would ever find it, and the document needed to go out for overnight delivery. So I was way late leaving her house, but at least I found the paper. I eventually went and picked up my son from his pdoc appointment (thankfully he was running late too) and headed off to mail the documents. We also had to stop off and get my son his newly increased Vyvance dosage prescribed for his ADHD. He seemed in good spirits, so that was good. Then through the worst traffic ever we tried to make our way home as quickly as possible, mainly so he could play his new game. He also told me some bad news about school, but to explain it would take a million words. Let's just say he was supposed to be in this cool new program at his school that would afford him great support in finishing school as well as help with day to day living, but apparently there was some outstanding paperwork that has now shifted him from 'IN' the program to being on a waiting list for the program. I was not, and still am not, happy about this. I told him I wanted to contact the Vice-Principal assigned to him, who gave him the news, and he said no way. I of course emailed her without telling him… J I have been on the School Council for three years, at this school, as well as the three years he was in junior high, and did a stint on the council in his elementary school - so ya I am going to question what is happening, and yeah I expect it to get fixed (yes I realize I sound like a total dick saying that, but I have done my time, they can afford to help me out with this). So I decided to send a nice email first, just asking what I can do to fix this, and cc'd it to the Principal, who I have been working with through the School council, and also to my son's school counsellor. (At writing this blog (Sunday Sept 23, I have still not heard back). There is now an issue with me being involved in my son's education, as he turned 18 on the 20 of September, so the school cannot communicate anything in relation to my son without his permission… So I am not sure if that has impacted the response to my email. There is a form students can sign to give the school such permission, but I am (at writing this) not sure if my son has done so. Anyway, I am very worried that without the support of that program he will lose hope, and drop out of school completely. It was a strange night for me, trying not to be weepy, or super sentimental over the fact that we would wake up in the morning, and my baby will have gone from child to adult - seemingly in the blink of an eye. Where has the time gone? An adult, it's just fricken unbelievable…

Thursday September 20/12 - HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY to my SON!!!

The day began like many with me taking my son to school, and me heading over to help my friend. Although this morning 1) my little boy is now a man, 2) my friend didn't get up until around 11:30am, and I was there from 9:30am… For my friend I compiled a list of potential options available for vehicles ie. Power windows, etc… and gave her a space to rate them to determine what she would like to see in her new vehicle should she purchase one in the near future - which she plans to do… Then I went and met my son at an LRT station close to where I was, and we went to the music store to pick up the present his sister had ordered him. He was very excited by the gift (a guitar peddle - I know nothing about it, so don't ask). This was the second time I have gone to pick up said peddle. The first time no one knew what I was talking about, so I left empty handed. This time thankfully worked out, it was questionable for a few minutes, but then someone found it. Prior to leaving my friend's house Dr N finally called me back - although I must tell you I did leave another message the day before, cause I am sorry but it shouldn't take two + days to call me back. Anyway, he was wondering if my son could come today (Sept 20) for his assessment re rTMS or Monday. I told him today was my son's birthday, but I bet he would like to get it done right away (I know I did). So I booked it for 3:30pm. Not the greatest thing to do on your birthday, but when I picked up my son he was happy I booked it because he wanted to hurry up the rTMS process. We went home for a bit, and then went to meet Dr N at his office. There was no one else there at 3:30pm, as the office was closed - I was thinking, hmm maybe Dr N would have preferred Monday… oh well. My son went in around 3:45pm (when Dr N, was able to finally get there - he got stuck in the crazy Calgary traffic), and they didn't come out until 6:20pm. I was like wow, Dr N is really committed to making this experience work. My son later said he was barely able to scratch the surface of all the things he needed/wanted to tell him (there will be time). When they came out Dr N said he would like to start treatment October 1, as he and his wife (the nurse/Dr that usually gives me my treatments) will be going out of town next week for a couple of days, and that he didn't want to disrupt the initial 20 day treatment regimen. (Which I agree should not be interrupted - don't let ANYONE tell you differently). But he said your son wants to start immediately, he doesn't feel comfortable in waiting another week. Dr N said he would have to talk to my pdoc (his partner) to see if there was something they could arrange, and he would call us later. So we left, and as we hit the elevator my sister called from Bermuda to wish my son a happy birthday (which was very nice) - but then my battery died… ugh Since it was so late, we decided to go straight to my son's birthday supper. I wanted to and therefore did take him to his first pub. It was called the Last Straw Ale House - in the suburb of Tuscany, just up the hill from us. It was nice we had, pub quality, steak sandwiches J… He had his first carding (had to show his ID) experience and here is a brief recap of said carding. Waitress, "How ya both doing, can I get you something to drink?" I reply, "Can I have a coke with lime?" My son speaks at the same time. She looks at my son, "Do you have any id?" I gush, "Awww." She looks at the id, "Oh it's your birthday, Happy Birthday." "And what did you say you wanted to drink", she asks. He replies, "A coke." She does a double take and laughs, we all laugh. I'm like, "Yep we're living on the edge." J Not sure if I mentioned this yet (anywhere, maybe I mention it later), anyway my son doesn't drink alcohol - he hasn't tried it and doesn't yet want to change that which I think is cool) I gave him his other birthday present, a new phone. He was over the moon excited, and started to recap how this was such a great week for him (that was such a nice break from the usual darkness that clouds our usual days). I felt bad I didn't get him a cake or anything (which he said he didn't care as he doesn't like cake, but I do - he really isn't a birthday kind of guy), so we headed off to Marble Slab in search of some ice cream instead, but alas it was very busy. He went and took a look at the available ice creams, and saw that his favorite (Red Velvet) was not available - so we said f@#$ it and left… (He literally said f%^& it, I did not). We got home and he went to work trying to set up his phone. However, my awesome friends at Rogers (they are not my friends) attached the phone and therefore the SIM card to my number not his - even though I told them more than once when I ordered the phone. Anyway, this great gift started to become a terrible pain. I spoke with Rogers they said we could go to a Rogers store and just buy a new SIM card ($10) and be done - so we decided we would go the next day to do so… He then set to cleaning 'his' basement area, and doing his laundry in preparation of a couple of friends coming over the next day - something he and I were both excited about… It is so awesome when he gets to do 'normal' young adult things like socialising.

Friday September 21/12 -

Before I continue, I must say I have been sitting here, Sunday Sept 23, writing this blog for the last 3 + hours - I really need to work on this over the week - not save it all to create on the one day. Hell I might not even finish this today… That said onward to Friday.

So Friday Sept 21/12 - I slept in, well sort of… I wanted to sleep in, cause I really and truly have been getting very little (even less then my usual, little) sleep, and with this feeling of almost being sick I just needed some rest/some time away from all of this stress. But that didn't quite work out, as I had left a message the night before Thursday night for Dr N, in return of his message that he left earlier Thursday evening (he called when my phone was still dead, so I didn't get his message until later Thursday night) - Anyway, the first call from his office was the receptionist trying to figure out the message I left. First I must tell you what Dr N said in his message, 'he spoke with my pdoc, and we could either start tomorrow (Friday Sept 21) or Monday Sept 24.' So when I called back I left the message Monday would be preferred, but if it would be more convenient for them we could wait until Oct 1 when they get back. (I said this, as I wasn't sure how much trouble they would have providing my son's treatments while they were away, and concern on my part for some sort of continuity of the treatments themselves - as each person gives the treatments just slightly different, and the nurse/dr that does my treatments is the most experienced - I declined the Friday Sept 21 start immediately, not because there was limited notice but because I don't believe there should be a break in treatments, especially a two day break right after the first treatment). So the receptionist had called to find out if I was saying wait until October 1, or start on Monday. I told the receptionist I just wasn't sure about them finding someone to fill in while Dr N and nurse/doc were away. She said she would call me back after she spoke with Dr N. About a half hour or so Dr N calls and says not a problem 'my pdoc' will fill in for them while they are gone (not sure about that he has the least experience in giving the treatments J). So I booked with him the time for Monday, when my son will have his head measured, his cap mapped, and his threshold taken and set. It is all very exciting, and for some reason a little scary - not sure why since there are no real concerns with the treatments. I guess just my usual have to worry about everything. I of course immediately forgot what time Dr N said as soon as I hung up the phone and called right back. I at least made the receptionist laugh at my expense J. All that done, I set to trying to catch up on some much needed sleep - why do I even bother, although I must admit that I was so exhausted that I actually fell back asleep for about another hour (it took probably a couple of hours to finally fall asleep, but still another hour is better than nothing). When my son finally got up we headed over to Rogers for a new SIM card - me not knowing Rogers was launching their iPhone 5's UGH… A line up and then another 20 minute wait while the guy entered the new card into the system - their system was sluggish under all the pressure of new activations, upgrades, etc. After all that my son still had to wait four hours or so for the system to switch over the card, something that would usually be instantaneous… I wasted the rest of the afternoon in the regular manner of my life, and my son had his guests over (like I said so awesome, I was worried they would cancel and he would be devastated - this has happened more than once). All went well until at around 10:30pm he asked if he could go sleep over at his friend's house. First I was stunned, then I was trying to figure out how his medication would work, then I was concerned he would get no sleep and ruin his birthday dinner scheduled for the next day, then I was like, "Dan don't be an idiot - stifle your issues and fears, he wants to go hang out with people - embrace it!" So I did and off he went… I of course being Dan was freaked out, and was thinking I shouldn't take my sleeping meds in case he may need me. Then I said to myself, nope he is 18, you have to take a risk and let go - even if it's just a little. So I did. It wasn't the most restful night, but I did sleep a little…

Saturday September 22/12 -

Oh wait one more time - I think I am going into way too much detail. Perhaps that is why this is so wordy and taking so damn long. Ugh I am really not sure about the structure of this damn thing…

My gross tongue - see white lump, right under front tooth, am I going to die

Whatever back to Sat Sept 22/12 - Almost a slow start to the day then I got a text just before 10am asking if I was awake - it was my son. I replied, "Barely." He came back with, "good." The rest of the kids were leaving he wondered if I could pick him up. I asked him if the phrasing of the question meant there was the possibility of another mode of transport home, but he said no. So I threw on my jeans and a hoodie, donned a baseball cap to cover my unprepped hair and head off to pick him up. He had a great time - so awesome to hear! He was going to go back to bed when we got home, as he only got a couple of hours sleep - but then his buddies wanted him to join them in a coop game of the new game he just got. I on the other hand tried for some more sleep, again to no avail. We then took off early to my son's 18th Birthday Casino Dinner - like I think I may have mentioned he doesn't drink, so I thought this was the next best thing for turning legal. We went early in anticipating a line up and worried (me only) that we would struggle getting a big enough table. Of course there were barely any people there (usually it's busy I swear)… So we sat down and waited for the guests. We ate and visited (although my sister and I missed out on a lot of the conversation, as we were on the end across from each other and both flanked by our sons - we had to listen to a lot of video game speak). Still it was fun… after filling our faces. We set to a little gambling. I quickly, and I really do mean quickly, lost $35. My nephew won around $130, and my son won about $30… Much better luck then I. Only I wasn't sure we were going to be able to get my son to stop, even if he had lost I think he was prepared to lose all his birthday money - not good. And pretty sure my nephew didn't want to leave. For both of them this was their first casino experience, hopefully we haven't created some long term addiction problems… (The only thing that sucked for me was the terrible panic attacks I keep getting in public - symptoms mentioned earlier in this post. And the fact how shitty I feel when the Dexedrine starts to wear off. I start to feel physically sick/crappy. And then I get this stupid pain and numbness in my left arm, and that starts the panic of the heart attack, and that just blossoms into a full on panic attack… etc, etc… That part really sucks, and it tried it's hardest to ruin my night but thankfully it couldn't.) I have also been experiencing a sore tongue for the past couple of days. I just figured it was a canker sore, and thought nothing of it - been feeling sick and stressed only makes sense I would get one. But last night before bed I took a look, and that's no damn canker, at least it doesn't look like one I have ever had. It's a white painful lump. I took a picture, and perhaps I could be gross and try and post it??? We will see how brave I am… Anyway, it hurts like a motherf$#%er! I am battling dry mouth too. It gets really bad a couple of hours after taking the Dexedrine - damn drugs!!!! I spent several hours last night Googling pictures of mouth sores, just trying to make sure it isn't like some scary mouth cancer or something - I was not successful in finding any pictures that match, not sure if that is a bad or good thing…?

Alberta Legislature Building

Sunday September 23/12 - Did not get out of bed very early, just couldn't seem to get up. I am just (I know I have said it a million times, but I just don't know how to express it so people can understand) so exhausted. I don't think I got to sleep until after 3am, and from 4am on I just kept waking up and dreaming and then waking up. I do have to say one of my dreams was so strange. I don’t remember what was happening, but there was something like a chart or picture (something on a wall) and it was giving me so much peace as I looked at it. I kept having this powerful and magical calm come over me, and I would wake up and try and hold on to that feeling and I would fall back to sleep and the dream would continue. It was a wild ride. I have never felt so relaxed, so unafraid, so calm. I would kill (not really) for some of that feeling in my life. The absence of fear was so empowering, in a good calming sort of way - not like I am not afraid to take over the world kind of way. Of course it didn't hang on, once the dreaming was over so was that feeling. So once up and having finished my toast and tea - and downing a fist of medication, I set to finishing my letters to the Alberta government - Premier, Health Minister, and my MLA. The letters were pretty much done - not sure why I never sent them, but I did add a little more about these past experiences over the past few months. Then I emailed them. Yes they have been sent. Now I will TRY and create some sort of form letter people could use if they are interested in contacting the Premier, Minister, and their MLA. No promises on when that will happen, but I am hoping sooner than later. Since January is fast approaching, which as I have mentioned is when I have to start paying for my treatments…? And the hope is of course that the Alberta government will add rTMS to the list of mental health treatments they already cover, like they do for ECT - which is way more expensive than rTMS. I guess we will just have to wait and see if they respond to my letters (I am doubtful at best).

Shit if rTMS makes you look like this I'm cool with being sad...
Kidding I have no idea what these people are doing?
I don't have any of that crap on me during rTMS...

My son starts his rTMS treatments tomorrow (I also have an rTMS treatment tomorrow, except mine is at fricken 9am and my son's is at 1pm - I wish they could have tried to merge them - oh well…) I hope it goes well for him, and he has as much if not more success than I……

Talk to y'all next week…