The BlackBird Memoir

Yes, I'm Expecting... A Baby... Weird Right? I know!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 18:28:00 +0000

So, yea...

I'm pregnant and having a baby...it feels sooooooooo like.... surprising.

I don't even like children... or they don't like me, whatever.

It's probably the same situation with people who hate cats but then like their own cat. Eh.

All in all, i am excited though... I mean i am worried that I'll screw the kid up or he/she will have elephant ears and a furry back or something... *scary*

The pregnancy so far has been "picture perfect" according to my OB's and Midwives. The sickness makes me want to stab myself in the chest with an unsharpened pencil...but I digress.

18 Weeks along and I'm pretty ecstatic about it.

So, that may be the topic I write about for a while.

I doubt this will turn into a "Mommy Blog" tho, cuz yea, no.

I'm still nauseous so that means it's time to go throw up, bye for now!

:-)

I’m Pretty Sure I have Temper Problem…

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 16:18:00 +0000

Maybe I'm stressed? There are entirely too many times a day where I want to kick somebody's teeth in.

I'm so angry, I remember the last time I was this angry and the same things are happening…

I'm losing weight, and friends, and more hair comes out in the brush!?

Hmph, well it could be viewed as a nice diet I suppose, but do I really want to be miserable all day long? Life is too short to focus on the bad things that make you want to chuck a glass bottle at strangers that say things like "Smile, pretty girl"… >:-(

I just need one great thing to take my mind off of it, like a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream, or a foot massage by some hot Asian dude that doesn't speak English, so I can say nasty, dirty things to him and he'll still smile at me.

Eh, on with the day I suppose… I'll try not to grimace at small children today.

Ciao

Miss Me?? ....... Stop Lyin'!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 15:54:00 +0000

I haven't blogged in a good while.
I've been busy in the world, if you will. Nope, I'm not that important, but it does sound like I am right?
I'd love to get into a nice groove of blogging a few times a week if I can, but I'm a Pisces, so with me you never really know.
I've missed this, really.
A chance to just let go and complain without feeling guilty about perpetuating negativity.
OK, fantastic, so....whats been happening? Well...

My top 10 lesbian lovers list is almost complete, I'm up to about nine and I'm giving the last one a bit more thought, to round out the bunch nicely...these things take time.

My "vegetarian that still eats fish" diet is coming along most splendidly. I'm down 28 pounds. When I tell most people that I'm 28 pounds lighter, they say "Really? Where?" Bastards.
But, nevertheless the scale doesn't lie, well unless I "make" it lie.
I feel loads better and am happy at the lifestyle change.

I still don't understand how some people can eat yellow mustard. It might be the most revolting thing on this planet. Wait no, the planet isn't big enough. I hate it. Die.

I'm sure there are a bunch of other things, however I'm getting sleepy so...
I hardly ever get a chance to just rest, so guess what I'm going to do today? You're so smart.

Love ya...

Ta Ta

Healthcare with Some Poo and a Broken Hip

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 01:36:00 +0000

I hate the color yellow...
Idk why but yellow is just a dumb color...
But I do have a Spongebob t-shirt that I just can't part with...don't judge me.

Today is Tuesday and not much has happened... I watched an old lady slip in my dog's poo earlier.
It was a bit funny but what if she had like fell and broken her hip and slowly drowned from internal bleeding? Not cool.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about Obama's healthcare reform just yet...we'll see how it turns out.
I don't understand why people are flipping out now, he TOLD us that this was what he wanted to do...and we elected him...so why are people surprised that he's actually doing something that he SAID he was going to do? Smh...

On another note, Obama is probably great in the sack...

Pain...not like a sexy S&M pain tho...

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 02:54:00 +0000

I stubbed my freaking toe on this god damn chair and I want to slap somebody in the mouth!!
Shit.

Patriotic Eggs and The Pipe Layer...

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 22:03:00 +0000

I was craving scrambled eggs all day today, so I rushed home to cook them...is that weird?

eh...doesn't matter...they were awesome.

One of my exes told me that it was all in the whipping of the egg. He said I shouldn't stop scrambling until I was pouring directly into the pan...as nicely as he was laying it down...I didn't care what he was talking about...I just smiled and agreed.

His head game was also ridiculous...(Mommy, stop reading)...which means he pretty much got away with more than I would normally allow.

Yes I say allow because I'm not the one to really settle for something less than what I give, which is a lot.

Isn't it funny how sex controls us sometimes? How much we tolerate is directly related to how great the sex in the relationship is. Smh. Does that make us all simple twits, or lust-thriving freaks? Well its better than what some foreign alliance leaders call us.

btw-Like America, most of the people that you think love/wanna be you...Don't!

God I Love Being Me...Until I Start to Age!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 13:07:00 +0000

Yo! Whats the happs?? Too weird? OK...
So, I'm about to be 20-freaking-8! Now when it comes to other people turning 30 it's not even close to being old, but when I think about actually turning 30....It feels a bit too soon.
I had so many "things" that I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30 such as:
[] Marriage to someone who gets me, and wants the same things I do (Like sex and ice cream at 4 am.)
[] Children...I want 4 but, people say I'll change my mind after the first one!
[] 3 consecutive hot air balloon rides.
[] To fire a 12 gauge.
[] Travel to a different country every few years with my mom and husband and rugrats.
[] Learn to friggin' ice skate without my ass being blue and purple the next morning.
[] See every movie in the theater on one day. Ha!
[] Wear one purple shoe and one yellow shoe all day and see what reaction I get from people!
[] Go snorkeling or Scuba diving!
[] Play real truth or dare, like the REAL one with Jack Daniels and a whip.
[] Skip all day instead of walk!!

Among other things...maybe I can still squeeze some of these in!!
I certainly don't feel old at all...It's just all in my head...like the voice that tells me to snatch lollipops from toddlers.

I'm Back!!....To My Regular Self That Is...!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:20:00 +0000

You know I would have been here to talk to the world if I could have. :-(

I had ~~well still have really~~ a bout with Gastroenteritis. Not. Fun.

I'm pretty sure I screamed for Jesus to "take me now" at least 12 times a day.

All because of food poisoning from a Mexican Restaurant. Bastards, I should burn the fucking place to the ground.

I would post their name here and urge everyone to forgo the fajitas with a side of vomit, but I'm keeping my court cases to a minimum.

I don't have much to update really... Just the usual me trying to push my body to get better quicker than it would like to. Basically I'm being forced to slow down which may or may not be a great thing. But...eh well...

I've missed mah bloggin'...it felt like forever.

But, mommas home!

Enjoy your day weekend psychos! :-)

I Can't Believe You Did This!?! Wait, Yes I Can, Because You're A Dick!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:11:00 +0000

I got kicked in the gut today...

Identity theft that I thought was resolved two years ago....hasn't been.

Some dude named Glen Nimakoecheng or some shit...stole my damn identity and is now ~~fucking up my chance~~ slowing down the process of me buying a house! Bastard.

So, every person that I see today who looks like his fucking name is Glen, I'm going to flip him the bird and spit on his shoes!

I'll update later if I don't get arrested.

It's shit like this that makes me want to put bleach in some ladies water bottle at the gym.

FYI: Anger management classes don't fucking work.

Oh, Maybe you Didn't Get the Memo...I'm the Shit!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:29:00 +0000

He says "I love how you just walk around like you own this motherfucker"....
I said..."Oh, you must be new..."
He says "Well, now we know each other so you can speak and not ignore me when you see me staring at you."
I said..."Oh no, I will still ignore you, because you're not important to me." (smiling...)
He says "Not yet anyway"
I said..."Wow, you've got a big pair of balls....dont cha'?"
He says "You can try all you want to scare me off, it's not working...so just let it go."
I said..."You may not be scared now, but you will be...I assure you!"
He says "Try me if you want to...And I'll have your ass twisted. You better watch it."
I said..."Hmmm is that right? (raising one eyebrow like "The Rock"."
Giggling to myself...

I Hate Little Bitches and Their Jeans!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 04:42:00 +0000

(This is the conversation I had with myself after some teenager in Macy's proceeded to tell me what jeans might look good "in my size"....But then her superfine Boss told her she had so much to learn about what men want, he then promptly slid me his business card, and offered to buy me dinner.)

I have news for you home slice...
My ASS looks pretty damn awesome in a nice pair or even a not so nice pair of jeans.
Dumb bitches....they never surprise me...smh.
Is it possible for you to even have an ass if you're a size 0? Yea...No.
I know my big beautiful tits make your mouth water too. Do. Not. Disrespect. Me.

BlackBird - 1 Silly Bitch - 0

I Want to Be a Sexy Pre-Cog like my Lesbian Lover!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:20:00 +0000

So today I think I'll sit in the mall and dish out "random" advice to strangers!

Do you remember the movie Minority Report? Well, Samantha Morton, whom I have an uncomfortable crush on, plays the PreCog Agatha. There was a scene in this movie where her and Tom Cruise are running through a mall and she's giving random strangers advice...like "don't go home, he knows"!

I thought this was sooooo awesome and so I have decided to replicate this scene in real life.

I'm wondering how long it will take before I get ~~arrested~~ thrown out.

I figure I can say things that aren't lewd but still funny...like:

~ "That down pillow is why your nose runs every morning."

~ "She likes it when you flick your tongue."

~ "You actually wear a size 9 shoe, not 7."
~ " Go see your mom, trust me."
Wouldn't this be awesome? I think I'll choke on spit while pissing my pants with laughter before I get thrown out tho.
I'll let you know how it goes.

If You Don't Know, You're A DumbAss and You Need To Learn!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:05:00 +0000

I have a couple of new things happening right now. I'm deciding whether to buy a house or a condo. This might be easy for some people but for me, it is not...I am horrible at making decisions, it takes me too long and I tend to get very aggravated and say the hell with it.
But I really should just get over that shit really quickly because I mean dude, the market is only going to get better. I am the queen of deals...I LOVE getting awesome stuff for like pennies! It just makes me feel like I've gotten the most for my money ya know?

Random-Thought: I love me some pineapple!! Wooo!
Ok...
So I've asked around and people have given me a lot of suggestions but how do I know that these people aren't like child molesters or if they're hiding dead bodies in their basements?? I already don't trust people and now little ole me is trying to attain property for the best deal without having to give anybody head or a slow hand job. The deals I've seen are a little too awesome for my skeptical ass to appreciate. I understand the system a little bit better after asking one of my friends 156 million questions, that only spawned more questions...but he understands. Thanx Kev!! He wants everyone to get a great a deal as his...which I won't mention because I'm sure the FBI is crawling the net and his deal was sooo awesome I don't want to put him or his broker in jeopardy! I got your back Kev!!

So here is what I have so far...
Houses are a better fit for me because I love my space. I get kind of crazy with the Pavarotti blasting at 2am and I love to paint and recreate the space for myself, but that will be almost impossible with associations keeping me down...

Condos are great in the fact that I don't have to do shit! If anything breaks I can pretty much just call a ~~sexy stripper turned~~ plumber to come a "service" me.
But I will have to smell other people's cooking and nasty smells and stuff ew!
I may even have to fight for parking. Grrrrr.
Eh, I'm leaning toward the home but now don't laugh...I want to be able to take a dip in the pool. I know it's stupid, but condos come with fitness centers and pools. So I'm moping around about the fact that if I get a home I won't get a pool, and Kev (my home buying guru) says that I can get a personal pool for under $400!!
Problem Solved.
Until I learn more about this shit and then end up clueless again.
Until then...

Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell...

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 22:28:00 +0000

I'm in a bad mood today so I will be making a list of all of the people and things that have made my life THAT much harder.........Fuckers!
I hate you...
(FYI this can NOT be construed as slander as I will only be stating my opinion)...So HA!!

OK sooooo the list is growing everyday!!

I HATE:
~ The lady whose voice I hear every time I check my balance!

~ The people who invented Root Beer...Not Cream Soda...Root Beer.

~ "Michael" from Lost.

~ Blue Balls...or whatever the term is for women!

~ Anybody named Hitch...cause that's just stupid!

~ The IT guy that I have to call every time I lose my signal...I'm not calling you because I want to "catch up on old times"...jerk...!

~ The lady in Staples that I asked where I could find a good mechanical pencil that scoffed at me because she "thought only math teachers used those"... ignorant bitch.

~ All of the people still saying "Happy New Year"...idk why...but it bugs the shit outta me!

~ The person that knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom at work. When the door is locked, I'm pretty sure that means someone is in there.

~ Anyone who doesn't know what a "Hatori Hanso" sword is.

~ The color purple...the actual color, not the movie!

~ The bastards on this cruise brochure that still look all happy knowing damn well I have an attitude!

~ This loser at work that cut the label off of my Calvin Klein coat because he said it was too "showy!" He's lucky I didn't slit his damn tires!

~ My unpredictable urine stream. Yea you heard right, it switches up on me.

~ The people who continue to talk to me even though I tell them that "I'm in a bad mood!" Stop talking to me, I wont magically snap out of it because you're "awesome". Leave me the fuck alone!

~ The therapist that says I'm not social enough. Eat deez nuts sir!

~ My sexy ass boss' wife. Lucky bitch.

~ The fact that my Blackberry screen is not a touch screen and silently giggles at me every time I have to click the "trackball"! I'm living in the stone age.

I can feel the aggravation still festering in my chest...more to come!

Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex...!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:29:00 +0000

Yo! OK so I haven't been in the Christmas spirit really because...I mean, I guess I just don't care too much about it this year. I don't have children so I don't have to put up a tree and decorate or buy a million gifts for the little punks to break or leave over some other lil rugrats house! So...eh...

Aaaaaaand moving on...

So, one of my friends is leaving her husband after 11 years of marriage. This sucks for a bunch of reasons:

1. She put all of these years into some guy and now has to start over. Its like a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle that drops to the floor and splatters the moment you try to move it! Hell no! I'm not starting that shit over from the beginning... It's just a waste...

2. The double income disappears!! Stop acting like you all weren't thinking the same exact thing! I know what its like to lose that extra money that you've grown ~~to take for granted~~ used to. It's not cool at all! You'll have to eat beans and rice until you get accustomed to your new budget. Beans fucking suck, trust me!

3. Her ass is 11 years older than she was when she started dating the last time. Which means her tight ass and perky tits are now cottage cheese in a garbage bag and stretch marks racing each other across her boob! NOT HOT!! Its a shame...

4. She has kids by the l~~oser~~ guy! Which means ~~they will be eating beans too~~ they are now the victims of a broken home! smh

5. She'll be alone. Which she obviously doesn't mind because shes choosing to leave the guy rather than stay so...alone is probably looking really great to her right now!

OK, now I see some silver lining here...let me fill you in:

1. She can bang ANYONE she wants without ~~getting caught~~ worrying about hurting someone elses feelings!
Ha! Shiiii...that kind of freedom sounds good to me!

...Yeah, that's all I really can think of...

Good Luck Mamita!

No, you can NOT stay with me Lou....I love you...but Hell NO!

My walking around naked all the time might aggravate you after a few days anyway...

Sexy SpongeBob and The Vagina

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:17:00 +0000

Today was a stagnant day. Sex was on my brain before my feet even hit my bedroom floor...gotta love it?...........or not so much.
So I flipped on the tele and since I fell asleep with the TV on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob was on. Now I was half sleep, but is it me or is SpongeBob NOT for children?
Now before I say anything, I am a HUGE fan of SpongeBob. BUT, would I let my kids watch it? Um...probably not. They say things like "shut up", "stupid", and I may have even heard a "damn"!
OK, so after half watching and listening for about 10 minutes, I SWEAR I see one cartoon figure bent over another. Now I'm a horn dog, so more than likely I'm making this into something that its not! But kids nowadays know more about sex than they did years ago... So tell me this...

How the hell am I supposed to explain sex to my kids?

OK being a parent already scares the shit out of me because I've seen how parents seriously fuck up their kids. When your child comes to you and asks about sex and babies and crap like that, WTF are you supposed to tell them?
Depending on how old they are I'm sure you can totally get away with "Well honey, you can fill out an application and place an order with Santa and he'll put you on a list to receive a baby when one becomes available". But how about when they're like 11 and no longer buying any of the bullshit your selling? What then?
What if my little boy sees me getting out of the shower and asks "whats that?" while pointing at my vagina crawl space.
It's too scary!! If I have a girl, I'm screwed. The whole menstruation thing makes me vomit in my mouth and slowly die inside every month as it is.
It's ~~bullshit~~ madness I tell ya!!
I see the "holistic" parents who never even fib to their children because they believe lying breeds lies. So when they're kids ask about penises they say things like "Well sweetie, men have these tools to enter into a woman's vagina and plant the seeds of life"! WTF!?!?!
I don't care what you do to your children but my 2 year olds aren't going to be talking about vaginas before nap time....fuck that!
You can ruin the little freaks before they even hit puberty.
Parenting is hard enough without all the damn questions you have to answer in the deli section of the supermarket.
* What is a nipple?
* Why are you and daddy so noisy at night?
* What does mommy mean?
* Can I pee right here?
* Do boogers have feelings?

I'm exhausted already...

This Guy Chisels Away at the Italian Marble I have Protecting my Heart!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:10:00 +0000

This is WHY I LOVE him So MUCH!!

I told him he was better than the Cotton Candy ice cream that I ~~am addicted to~~ LOVE from Cold Stone! Yep, I love him that much!

and he's hot....soooooo....I'm guessing I should book a flight to the UK like asap huh?

Sounds like a plan...(mental note: birth control? *check*)

In all honesty...Thank You Simon...YOU are why I write at all! *sniffle*

Carry on...

The Cheater, The B*tch, and the Lost Beach Boy

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 20:40:00 +0000

Sometimes I have to stop myself from talking to people like everyone is an idiot except me! haha
It's really not funny at all, because I have this ~~personality disorder~~ attitude problem and I kind of sound condescending when I speak to people sometimes...yeah I should probably stop... I know people aren't morons...wait... right?? Well...eh...either way I shouldn't be a bitch to everybody because I wouldn't want to be treated that way. So today I will control my anger even though most ~~assholes~~ people deserve it!

So In Other News::

! Tiger Woods has a love child huh? With his affinity towards ~~white chicks~~ women that don't mind being home wreckers, I'd say he's well on his way to having his wife pour hot grits on his ass in the middle of the night.
! Day 16 of NO ~~flesh~~ MEAT and the worst part is not the temptation, its the jerks that offer their opinions every time I say "nope, no meat for me"...like dude, did I ask you to comment on MY life choices?!?!
prick...
! So I've starting watching the tv series LOST on DVD and I'm up to season 2...Can I just say that I KNOW I'm late but stfu. Sawyer...is...HOT...I'll bounce his bastard children out right now! The man has DIMPLES...I mean DAMN, they don't make men like that anymore... fuck...
! I wish I had a workout partner, this way I can have someone to motivate me to ya know...workout.
its better to do those kinds of things together, this way I can minimize my ~~lazy~~ nonproductive days.
! I want some Cotton Candy Stone Cold ice cream...Hmmmm...How am I going to get it though, since I'm at work? *thinking*

in the meantime...talk amongst yourselves...!

This is How My Brain Works...Can You Say A.D.D.?

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:45:00 +0000

I'm working really hard and stuff...

My ass feels like its unconscious. 5 people could have felt me up by now and I wouldn't have even known.

Am I hungry? I just ate...I need like a shot of Red Bull and a banana dipped in strawberry yogurt.

Now, rubber comes from trees right? Yeah, how the hell does that work?

It's so hard to be nice to people when you have an attitude. I feel like I want to snap sometimes...Does that mean I'm crazy? Maybe...

I unfold every paperclip that I come in contact with...do you do this?

OK so back to ~~slowly counting to 10 so I don't chew somebody's face off~~ work...

Disturbia...But Not in the Sexy, Rihanna Kind of Way...

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:02:00 +0000

OK so today is my sixth day without meat! And I must say it's a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Now granted, I forget almost all the time. I added bacon bits to my salad yesterday and took almost 2 bites before I remembered that I don't eat pork anymore. Loser.

And I ordered chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant before "someone" reminded me that I was "flesh free". Shit.

I can say that I'm getting more used to not having it and my stomach has abruptly ceased growling for the most part!

I find that I can eat 3 times as much "veggies" than before, and I love veggies so...so far so good!

Now lets move on to today's happenings...
My old friend, from my ~~exotic dancing~~ NYU days has come down to Atlanta for a job interview from NY. She said in very blunt words today that she basically "wants my life". I said what's so great about my life? Shit, you can have it! She said "I love the "way" you are, I see how you handle people and business and I'm envious!" So I told her that the way I do things may be different from how someone else might see it. I tried to get her to see that instead of adopting someone else's perspective maybe she should develop her own. I am all about doing things differently and being my own person, so if that's something that she admires, she could easily apply her OWN views and perspective to her OWN life!
This ignorant heffa told me that she would just rather "adopt MY perspective, since she already likes it so much"?!?!?!?

"I love how you talk to people and how understanding you are. And you always ask the right questions. You're like a tiger, cunning and intimidating".

You know, people are crazy... There are some real psychos out there!
I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

I Am Now a Pescetarian....It's a Vegetarian That Smells Like FISH!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:46:00 +0000

A Pescetarian is a Vegetarian that eats fish and seafood!...
Before I get the dirty looks from all the "real" vegetarians just remember....it's my life and my body so I can do whatever the hell I want to...so suck on these!

Ok so now...Why am I doing it? Lots of reasons...:

^ It's GREAT for my body!! After 27 years of burgers, steak, bacon and lamb...I'm guessing my body needs a break. No reason to rush into a heart attack right??
^ Im not really a "Save the Animals" kind of chick but, after watching some documentary and reading all about the torture and the electric baths...my stomach kind of turns a little bit now!
^ Ive read that 1 person cutting back on 2/3 of their share of meat can save lives and prevent global warming...took me a while to understand but its something like less meat means less dead carcasses and less energy being used to kill all of these animals...so less slaughter house energy means less pollution. Less pollution means less global warming...lol something like that!
^ I've read somewhere that humans arent supposed to eat meat anyway...either the bible or something about our intestines not being equipped to deal with the long digestion period of meat!

So ~~pity~~ congratulate me..!
There are TONS of resources about the transformation on the net...this is one of them!
Today is day 3...now I know that 3 isn't a big number...but remember Christmas is coming up and tough times lie ahead. I think I should be OK though...
Wish me luck... Do I smell bacon??
Shit...

Lesbians are Cool!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:25:00 +0000

I recently took advantage of an opportunity to pamper myself, its a courtesy of the hotel business I suppose. I haven't had a massage since the Reagan administration so I felt like it might be time to ya know, go get a rub down!
So I get there and its very classy and elegant. There is a doorman that escorts me into the spa and bows while he's holding the door. The owners were there to greet me and we had a quick talk about the business that I send to them and how they are very grateful (Nice bunch of people those Ukrainians)!
So she escorts me into a dark room with serene music and shadow spotlights, and asks me which type of massage I would like to have. I let her know that I'm kind of tense and I haven't had a day off in 11 days so I might need a Deep Tissue massage. She agreed and told me where to put my clothes and let me know that if I wanted to leave my underwear on, I could.
So once she leaves the room I strip down butt naked, because I mean seriously...I love my body and I'm not shy or uncomfortable in my own skin. I lay down on the table face down and tuck my fingers under my hips.
She comes in and says "Wow, you're naked...I love it"...!
As she proceeds to caress my back, I can feel myself relaxing already. Mmmmm!
Now the real party starts when she massages all the way UP my leg...also known as the ASS area of my body!
Now I haven't had a massage in quite some time, but I do NOT remember my butt cheeks being a part of the ordeal at all! While molesting my butt crack she says things like "You're skin is so soft, what do you do to it?"...WTF!
I mean, maybe she figured because I stripped down to "la buff" that I wanted to be sodomized by her fingers? Well the thing is, I actually enjoyed her fondling my private parts...(Great so now I'm a lesbian, awesome...)...I thought I was all finished and then she hit me with the two sexiest words you can ever hear during sex... In a sexy, sultry voice she said "TURN OVER"!!!
I said Awwww Shit...
She then proceeded to massage my upper chest area, like right above the "ladies". It wasn't the most awesome feeling but I'm a touchy feely person anyway, so I was very happy. *smile*
And then she insulted me by saying she didn't understand why a pretty girl has such ugly eyebrows (Europeans...lol smh) , so she waxed and plucked me to death, which really made me feel pampered....It was great!
The next day I had another massage set up by a different spa, and she was an older lady with waaaaaay more experience, so after THAT massage I had lobster skin... and my neck felt so loose and no longer tense! it was like I was finally free! Yay!!!
All in all I enjoyed the molestation and stuff...massages ROCK!!
*smile*

Touch Me, Tease Me.....Or Not!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:41:00 +0000

Well I took a poll to ask readers what they would like me to blog about and SEX is the winner by like a landslide!!
Hmmm, lets see...what to discuss...how about likes and dislikes?

OK Likes/Quick ways to make my panties moist...(God I hope my mom isn't reading today...sorry Ma, I know its Sunday!):

*...slow, tender kisses
*...rubbing of the head...OK now this might present a problem because I now have a hair-piece in...like so many other women. So guys don't go rubbing on her bean until you get all of her beauty facts!
But my piece is coming out soon so, I love to have my head massaged...
*...I like it when he aims to please me...YEP...because I AIM to please...I LOVE to have him satisfied, it just feels so good to me.
*...blow me a kiss or motion a kiss from far away...I'll be squirming in my seat after a few of those.
*...sex toys...they just make the world better...lol
*...having sex in places where people might see...or we might get into trouble...ooooh yum!
*...uncircumcised penises...enough said!
*...manhandling...I like to be tossed around sometimes...maybe even a slap here and there...lol yes I know...with the wrong person, this can be a disaster...(I found that out the hard way....OK, moving on!)
*...sex in weird/erotic places: bathrooms, beaches, roof tops, the tops of car or trucks, parents/grandparents houses, malls, movie theaters, laundry rooms...etc...
*...CUNNILINGUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm doing the hula dance in my seat just thinking about it!)
*...his pleasure...This a big one...I won't get excited if I don't see that HE is excited!

Now, Dislikes/things that will never get you any of my Peach:
...body odor...I mean I LOVE giving head (ma if you're still reading, STOP right now!!)...yeah so...because I love giving head so much I have dealt with the musky, sweaty thing...but it's not optimal, and you or your balls shouldn't smell like you've been playing basketball in the desert!
...tongues in my ear...hell to the no...please, just don't!
...dirty hands and/or fingernails...because yuck sir!
...bad breath, FYI...this does NOT include that quickie in the morning before work!
...for you to stick anything inside my vagina that isn't a part of your body or a sex toy...this includes broom handles, pens, straws, popsicles, beer bottles, teething rings, or the like!
...ambivalence...because if you don't want to work for it, you wont get it! Period.
...bad teeth or smile, or hygiene...or dress...

Hmmmm, I'm sure there are a few more that Ive forgotten but we can add those in a bit later!
OK...........................talk amongst yourselves... :-)

The Life of A Mom...Poop In The Fingernails!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:39:00 +0000

This is my baby Quishu...He is bad as all hell!! But he's my booboo so I mean, what'reyagonnado??
So recently he took his bad ass into the kitchen and turned the garbage over and ate what was left of a popcorn dinner that I had recently... (Don't judge me!)
Needless to say he was beyond backed up, he was at that stage of constipation where you sit in the friggin corner and whimper, or growl at the foreign object formally known as your right paw!
So I couldn't take it anymore, I had to save my baby boy...I knew what it was because all of the online sites pointed to extreme constipation (and I didn't REALLY feel like paying the $196 vet fee...bastards...)...so I thought to myself maybe I should give him a puppy laxative...or (what the pet sites that I cruise occasionally refer to as) mineral oil.
...2 days later still NO POOP... So I had to do something I couldn't stand to see him squirming around!
Ok now don't hate me, I would never do anything to hurt my poor baby...but what's a mom to do????? The vet I talked to on the phone said to use a turkey baster, (yeah like I have those lying around...judgemental beeyotch!)...so I said can I just use a straw or something?...no answer...I could feel her rolling her damn eyes too...ugh!!
She said "if you bring him into the office we can try to break down the blockage", I said "so why cant I do that myself, for free?"...she said "Um, well you can try"...this fucker is aggravating me now.
I put her on speaker and took Quishu outside on the deck and tried not to vomit...
She wanted me to put my damn finger in my baby's bum!!! WTF?!?!?!?! I wanted to chew off the side of this lady's face!! But.....he was suffering...and screaming...and lets just say that he couldn't sit down for 2 days...BUT................I DID IT!!!!! And he made poo...
He is feeling loads better already...he's back to running around like a psycho and jumping into my arms with a plate of food in my lap...and then mommy has to spend her movie-night cleaning spaghetti off of his bum...awesome!
But whats best for the baby is all that matters, no matter that every time I see him poop I have convulsions and silently die inside...cause eeeew!
But yeah, so that's my tragedy...yes...I know!
____________________________

Side Note:
Am I the only one whose piss switches directions midstream??....Soooo aggravating... :-x

Why Don't I Have Enough Money to Travel??

noreply@blogger.com (The Black*Bird) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Every now and then I get this urge to flee...call it anxiety...call it boredom...call it a need to see something different, who knows?

I've been planning a trip to Greece since like 2007, but I'm lazy and procrastination is like my only talent. But I'm realizing that I have zero funds available to take a random trip around the world. Oh and I'm single so that's another reason...I don't have that AWESOME double income thing poppin'. So naturally I tried to explore the reasons why I have no travel money. I came across a few things...

* I buy something for my house twice a week, whether it be a throw rug, or curtains, or a new mop...I simply am addicted to the housewares department of Target/Ikea/Pier 1/Home Depot...yes I said Home friggin Depot! I like to switch up bedroom color schemes and I like pillows....don't judge me!

* I lend people money...that I hardly EVER get back...and I'm too nice to hound people...like the mafia...who ALWAYS gets paid btw... Ever have a conversation with someone that owes you money? It's weird and uncomfortable...because every word they say you're like...stfu...and pay me...damn! Or......maybe that's just me.

* My truck EATS and SWALLOWS gas...probably only because I have a lead foot and hate hitting the brakes. I have some little driving tips that help to save gas, but none of them actually include slowing the fuck down!

* I pay for my moms EVERYTHING, because shes my only one and I think she deserves to be well taken care of (I mean she took care of me, and still sometimes does!).

* I buy whatever the hell I fell like buying, whenever I have the money...yea...I suck at saving... I mean, I try really hard sometimes...and I even get really great at it...but the "voices"...They speak to me and say things like... "Dude, you can totally fit that 9, buy it now or be a loser" or "It has to be divine intervention for your ass to look this awesome in those jeans"!

* I buy something every time I feel badly in order to make myself feel better...I know that millions of women do this...hmmm but those women are either married to men with money or they're also bad at saving.

* I eat out alot!! Like waaaay too much... which is probably why my ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag...smh....bastard!

I always say that I'm gonna start saving more, but then...NYET! So maybe I should set aside like $20 dollars every check...hahaaaaaaa! Wait, isnt that called a 401K??
...MotherFugger!

Update: I was headed to the mall to "look around"...BUT I stopped myself...but then still bought a book on Amazon...shit...