Life, Universe, Everything

What's on Kim Kardashian's Mind? Twitter thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:34:00 +0000

Ever wonder what's been on Kim Kardashian's mind for the past week? Was she thinking of the latest fashion, her boyfriend, money, or TV? Find out now with this super twitter widget. Visit Do It Yourself Widgets to find out how you can build something like this.

Why is Bing Not Indexing My Site?

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 07:49:00 +0000

Google has indexed your entire site, so has Yahoo, but Bing hasn't indexed your site at all. You've logged into Bing's webmaster site and added your site as well as your sitemap, but still no luck. Bing is avoiding your site like a hypochondriac avoiding the plague.

Bing takes ages to index pages and it gets worse if you are using Blogger (blogspot) and Wordpress. Bing hates free services such as Blogger/Wordpress. You can't blame Bing. Blogger/Wordpress is full of millions on one post blogs of no value whatsoever. All the SEO in the world won't help you with Bing. Your only option is to get indexed by other sites and hope bing finds your pages through them.

FINA Swimsuit Controversy - The Sexy Solution

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:30:00 +0000

Controversy now dogs the FINA championships in Rome. It's nothing to do with drugs or chinese men dressed as female swimmers, it's to do with swimsuits. Swimsuits I hear you say. Maybe the suits are too revealing? Maybe too sexy? Unfortunately it's nothing of the sort. It appears that the suits are allowing the swimmers to swim faster. The records keep tumbling and super fish Michael Phelps has cried foul! These super suits mimic shark skin or seal skin or whatever, give additional buoyancy and trap air bubles to reduce friction. Looks like the only thing these suits don't do is transform into optimus prime. So the jury is out and FINA is going to clarify some rules around swimsuits. This would be extrememly complicated as the suits by different vendors and are diverse in their technologies.

We have a simple solution. Frankly the less swimsuit the better. We'd suggest the swimmers to without any swimsuit, but that might not be to everyone's tastes. The simplest solution would be to require all the swimmers to wear one swimsuit - like how all Formula 1 cars now have Bridgestone tires only. But this will make an already boring sport more boring. We need to bring the sexy back into swimming. We need low-cut (top) and high cut (bottom) swimsuits. We need to bring back the two piece bikini and maybe even a tankini, or dare we say it - a thong-kini! As a matter fact we suggest that FINA mandate the material with which you can manufacture a swimsuit. This would be a super high-drag material so the most efficient swimsuit would be the smallest one! Thus the most efficient would be a completely topless swimsuit with maybe a optional thong! Hows that for bringing sexy back to swimming!

Sexiest Car in the World - Ferrari 458 Italia

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:32:00 +0000

There are few cars in the known universe that can claim second place behing Monica Bellucci. I say second place because nothing is sexier than Monica Bellucci, except Monica Bellucci in skimpy lingerie. Most cars fail to be sexier than my neighbours 200 pound Aunt. Aston Martins are pretty sexy and they just about beat Kate Winslet in English sexyness. But Ferraris are born in the same country that spawned Miss Bellucci and so have some of that 'sexy' DNA as a birthright. The Ferrari 458 Italia is one sexy, sexy car. It's so damn sexy that when I first saw it, I imagined what it would look like underneath that scarlet dress. Tubular carbon fibre chassis, race bred suspension, stainless steel pipes - the works. In fact this Ferrari made me forget about Monica Bellucci - for a whole 5 seconds!

When it comes to hot blooded cars, the Italians in general and Ferrari in particular have no peer. I can only imagine that the designers of this sexy, sexy car were either always making love to each other or self-loving themselves while they were creating it. You can't look at the car and not think of sex. It's sex on four wheels. And it's not cheap, hooker sex like a Jaguar, but passionate loving sex.

If Monica Bellucci had wheels she'd look like the 458. If the 458 had legs it would look like Monica Bellucci.

Amen to Thongs and G-strings ?

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:38:00 +0000

The Brazilians gave us cocoa beans and thongs. But which is more important- Chocolate or skimpy swim wear? They are both vital to the human race in terms of nutrition and well being. No single item of clothing or lack thereof has caused such a stir as the humble thong. Ever since the first bikini - named after the explosive atomic bond that was set off on bikini atoll, there been not been a more explosive item of satorial genius than the thong. Why do we love it? Because less is more. Because it exposes a lot without really exposing anything. Because women feel sexy wearing it and men get the sexy feeling thinking about women wearing them, even if the women are not really wearing them. It makes both parties feel sexy. Not like diamonds and car mags which only make one party feel sexy and the other short changed. It is this shared sexuality that gives thongs is allure. Let us give thanks to the humble thong. Bringer of happiness to many people out there, especially geeks in front of computers late at night! Amen!.

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Why The Japanese Are Leading The Next Sexual Revolution.

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:59:00 +0000

The Japanese are a demure race. They gave us words such as ninja, samurai, karate, walkman and vtec, that have found their way into common parlance. They are a hardworking, elderly respecting, quietly intelligent and panty sniffing race. Yup, we have a lot to thank the Japanese for, and I don't just mean for the cheap good quality cars. The ever creative Japs have come up with some super perverted stuff such as used-panty dispensing vending machines and anime with 100 panty flashes a minute. Yes, from their weird sexual hentai animation to PVC clad race queens, the land of the rising sun has given rise to many things, not lease the rising lump in my pants. So what makes these ordinarily fairly ordinary -if a little short - people go berserk - indulge in panty pursuits such as burusera and namasera, and resort to sharking? Sharking is not catching sharks, it's running behind women and stripping off their skirts in public.

Is it the culture? Does a restrained, overtly inhibitive and traditional culture incubate such innovative perversion? What about more liberal societies such as the scandinavian countries? Nope, all they want to do is get wasted on space cakes, legalise gay marriages and watch big brother. The true sexual revolution occurs in Japanese homes, in front of the internet and TV. Let us all give thanks to the creative, perverse and sexual genius of the Japanese for introducing something different into the daily boring porn mix.

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What's on Paris Hilton's Mind? Twitter Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 10:46:00 +0000

Ever wonder what's on Paris' mind? Maybe it's Nicole Ritchie or her inheritance, or maybe it's her next chihuahua or maybe even another sex tape. This widget will tell you what's been on Paris' mind for the last week. Learn how to create widgets such as these at Do It Yourself Widgets.

Prince Charles The Pervy

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:54:00 +0000

We have always known that continued inbreeding within an already retarded gene pool would lead some people to leave their really super hot and sexy wife for a grandma that had not been spared the ugly stick. Case in point Prince Charles. But all is not lost. As the picture shows, years with Camilla's half deflated fun bags has not completely dulled the Princes eye and he can still recognize a pair of female breasts. Good on yer Charles.

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Sandra Bullock Trying To Be Nude, But Not Nude Enough.

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:37:00 +0000

Not many people are really interested in seeing Sandra Bullock nude. I mean Sandra is probbably as hot as a potato in antarctica and about as sexy as Sy Snootles. For the rest of you (yes both of you) I have some good news and bad news. The bad news is that you don't get to see Sandra Bullock fully nude in the move "The Proposal." The good news is we don't get to see Sandra Bullock fully nude in "The Proposal." There is a lot of hype around this movie, especially refering to the nudeness of Sandra Bullock. However, she's covering her nipples and nether region in the so called money shot, leaving you short changed. This is what we like to call PG nudity, or nudity that tickles your funny bone and not your boner Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that she's covering up her nipples and crotch, but when you promise nudity, you must deliver nudity. This is a complete rip-off and an utter waste of our time.

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Twittering Idiots Lessen, as People Find Life

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Tue, 05 May 2009 03:42:00 +0000

If updating your status on twitter is called tweeting then the person doing the updating must be a twit or maybe a twidiot. This is obviously a condensed and mentally challenged form of social networking. It is like twitter is the quarter-wit brother of half-wit facebook.

This author heard sometime back that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were the most followed and were tweeting very regulary. Ashton should stop wasting time wanking off to Striptease while tweeting , and instead grab that old but sexy Demi and show her who her daddy is. Then again he doesn’t want jump Demi only to find out it’s actually that walking accident Brittany Murphy wearing a mission impossible style Demi moor ‘make-me-sexy’ mask and that he’d been well and truly punked! What about the idiots (yes you) that slavishly followed the ass-hat adventures of Ashton on twitter? Did you think that you could vicariously cop a feel from Demi Moore, despite the fact that Ashton hasn't been able to satisfy her, an any conceivable way yet? Well? So how does it feel to be confronted by one sexy MILF and not be able to get it up, and instead have to slink away into the toilet and introduce yourself to Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters.

Good news is that people are finally giving twitter the proverbial finger and leaving. Because, at the end of the day, no one want’s to know, when, what and for how long Kevin Bacon took a shit or when Christopher Walken got caught cheating on his right hand with his left, in the attic. People have realized that there is a life out there and that daily chores such as having a shit and maybe a wank – though may sound exotic when other celebs are doing it – is still best done by yourself. Well done people I’m impressed. Let's go find life and leave freeze-dried social networking to peadophiles that masquerade as little boys and pimply little boys who masquerade as little girls.

Honda: Literally Going to the Dogs

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 04 May 2009 03:04:00 +0000

In the distant past there was once a legendary japanese motor company that produced an amazing car called the SiR, a fabulous series of B-motors with the highest specific outputs and incredible rev limits and sparked a legend with the notorious ‘type-R’ badge. A badge that to this day, that has crossed the bounadaries of manufacturers and indeed crossed the vehicular boundary into everyday parlance. This company today is making cars for dogs. WTF dogs? Yep, you heard it, dogs. How the mighty Honda has fallen. The fall highlited by the fact that the brawn F1 team – formerly known as Honda- is kicking ass this year after it replaced the shitty Honda powerplant by a Mercedes built one. Did we fail to mention that the S2000 replacemnet was canned so Honda can concentrate on the its hybrid? Consider yourseld mentioned!

Does Honda have any self respect left? People love a brand not just for the cars they can afford, but also the aura the brand generates through racing and fast and sexy sports cars. Nissan has the legendary GT-R, Mitusbishi and Subaru the boy-racer EVOs and STIs, Mazda has got the RX8 and Toyota has the new Supra on the way. What has Honda got? Why, a nice element with a cute mats-slide for your crippled dog who can’t jump 1 foot into the boot and I’m guessing a dog shit proof floor too. Or maybe the car has a special dog potty with a flush, and maybe even a prosthetic leg so your pooch can have some hump time or piss time - whichever catches its fancy. Maybe even a special saliva proof mini TV for your dog so he can watch shows such as "Cats getting owned" or "PlayDog" or possibly "GayDog" if your dog is a homo. Really high tech stuff, well done Honda!

Please don't even bother with the FD2 type-R or Mugen RR or some kind of rubbish like that. Those cars have no soul. They are not proper athletes like Usain Bolt, but Joe Blow on steroids, in a lycra suit and with some plastic surgery to reduce weight by removing his beer gut and man-boobs. I'm talking about fast cars not highly strung FWD rice rockets that you have to thrash the living daylights out of, just to beat an old lady at the lights, on a walker.

The day I decide to buy my dog a car instead of buying one for myself, please someone, runover my dog.

Introducing New Adult Text Smileys. Be Different!

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:14:00 +0000

Tired of the same old boring smileys/emoticons :-) ? Well here are some interesting adult smileys that you can use to vent your frustration. Some of them need a bit of lateral thinking, but they are all good. No daft images, just plain text only. See if you can create some yourself. This is the birth of a whole new set of smileys.

O|O You've got big balls.
?|? Where are your balls?
8- Small dick.
8====> Monster C*ck.
(_|_) ! Cute ass!
(_!_) Ass hole.
((_|_)) Shake that booty!
(__|__) Fat Ass!
(_ T_ ) Thong'ed (G-sting'ed) ass!
(.)(.) ! Wow! Nice Rack.
(*)(*) Perky!
(@)(@) Puffy!
( . )( . ) ?! Are those double Ds? DDang!
(Y) ! Nice legs.
( Y ) Thunder thighs.
8===> You're turning me on.

:-} o|o Lick my balls.
:-}(.)(.) Lick my tits.
:-X (_|_) Kiss My Ass
..|.. Up yours pal/Flip the bird.
.||.. Two fingered salute.
->? Get Lost.
\T/ C*nt!
\|/ Nice Camel toe!
\0/ Slut!
(Y)--8 Humping.
\T/--8 More humping.
|zzzzz> :-) Go screw yourself.
69 69
(0)__ Ass wipe(hard).

|zzzzz> Screwed.
|----- Nailed!
-> ~~~~ Go jump in the Lake.
8--.|||| Wanker (this needs some thought).
---C Tool.
8==> ~ ~ 0-: ? Do you swallow.
8< Scissors!!
8-- (_!_) ? Do you want it in the ass/Can I do you in the ass?
8-- X (_!_) Ass? I don't think so!
8-- (.)(.) ? Titty f**k
8--0-; BJ.
:-} \T/ Cunnilingus.

<3>Love
>-<3--> Arrow through my heart.
(:=X Skull and crossbones.
~~<> O Knocked Up!
:-XX-: French Kiss.
:-*(-: Peck on the cheek.
(Y)(Y)--8 ? How about a threesome?
(Y)(Y)--8--8 ? How about a foursome?

.|. & 4o|~ Every Man and his Dog.
8--4o|~ Bestiality.

Need help? Drop me a comment.

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Facebook Observations

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:15:00 +0000

These days facebook and twitter seem to be all the rage. When I mean rage I mean rage like Alec Baldwin going off (not getting off) on his daughter. Every Tom Dick, Harriet and Mr-Ass has a facebook account today. Even companies, talk shows, beggars on the street, pet gerbils, half dead grannies and fully dead grannies for that matter, are on facebook. So what has precipitated this massive religious-like fervent interest in facebook that is the envy of scientology and the late David Koresh?

The old definition of a social networking site was a place where a geek would go to seek like minded geeks. But only after his/her eyes started to water continuously after playing WarCraft for three straight days, his/her supply of redbull or tissue paper ran out and his/her right hand/finger got tired or maybe the batteries in 'that' device ran out.

However, now these sites are keenly visited by so called 'normal' people. In fact hot -potential cheerleader- chicks with really really really nice boobs are now being real geeks by spending days in front of their dainty little apples because of facebook.

People have hundreds of friends they would never be caught dead with in real life and know the most intimate details of when these people are going to the crapper, what they are having for lunch, what's currently making them sad, happy, horny or constipated. Most people constantly keep refreshing the browser for hours on end in the faint hope that something will change, like one of their so called friends suddenly getting the runs or someone posting a video of a rabbit humping a chicken.

Many people claim that facebook replaces face to face meetings with people? I don't think so. Not unless your PC can put her hand down your pants and grab your privates- we will always need a real person to do that. How much fun really can sex be in worlds like Second Life? Not a lot of fun, especially if that hot bikini-clad chick avatar is in real life a pot bellied homophobic construction worker and you can't really manipulate the mouse and your joystick at the same time. I doubt that people are using facebook to actually replace face to face contact. Nope, they are replacing work with facebook in the office. Let's face it. Any guy would have real sex with a fat chick that has been sparingly beaten with an ugly stick rather than have a wank to a virtual Lara Croft.

But we love facebook because by dint of being freinds of freinds of friends we get to see lots of hot chicks and hunky guys in various states of undress and insobriety. AND you can join thousands of meaningless groups such as "We dophins are intelligent too" and waste your time playing zillions of trivia games with inane questions such as what colour tampon does Tom Cruise wear?(What colour is Katie Holmes again?).

Is the Economic Crisis bigger than the Universe?

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 03:16:00 +0000

Everyone know the economic crisis visited upon us by those greedy wanker bankers is huge. But, really, how big is it in relation to the scale of the universe? We all know that the universe has extremely small values as well as extremely large values. But one thing in common is that these values are extreme - lots of zeroes. Think Pearl Harbour, then multiply those zeroes by a gazillion. Hang on anything into zero is still zero, but you get my drift.

Government's casually talk in the trillions of dollars for bail-out packages. Just how much is tens of trillions of dollars in the grand scheme of the universe?

Exteme Values	Scale
The age of our universe - approx 15 billion years old	10,000,000,000
Number of stars in our galaxy (Milky Way)	100,000,000,000
The length of a light year	1,000,000,000,000
Bail out package- talking trillions of dollars	10,000,000,000,000
Total number of living cells in a human body	100,000,000,000,000
The radius of an electron	1/1,000,000,000,000,000
Number of stars in our universe	1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Plancks constant, probably the samllest number in quantum mechanics	1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Not bad eh? We should first take off our hats to those wanker bankers before we take a couple of baseball bats to them.

Why Electric Cars Suck

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 23:36:00 +0000

Now that those wanker bankers, joker brokers and tosser bosses have finally managed to put the global economy to rest by lethal injection - is there possibly be more disaster in store? Yes there is! Those greedy leeches have expedited the demise of the internal combustion engine - the heart and soul of every rice boy, girl and animal out there. The Big US car giants are now swearing to stop building giant green house gas emitting V8s and build electric cars instead. Honda has axed most of it's sports car programs in order to focus on its hybrid Insight. Most manufacturers are pulling out of various racing championships stating financial distress.

The tree huggers, whale lovers, vegans and feminists must be rejoicing. The move away from the internal combustion engine to electric engines and hybrid alternatives will surely save the planet. However it spells disaster to everyone else who has ever owned and loved a car.

From ancient times man has been obsessed with fire. Ever since Prometheus gave man fire, man has found lots of interesting things to do with it. From roasting dead animals, to fire-bugging forests. From cooking chinese using napalm to cooking japanese using the A-bomb. From firing rockets into space to firing guns at each other - fire has always been a fascinating aspect of our lives. Fire, is also what powers the internal combustion engine. Think of what makes cars fascinating? High revving engines that reach 10,000 rpm. The whistle as super hot exhaust gases spin up the twin sequential turbos. Whooshes from blow-off valves. Loud exhausts that send war veterans running for cover. Fire from tail pipes as anti-lag dumps fuel into the headers. Backfire like machine guns. Bumpers split asunder to accommodate inter-coolers that wouldn't look out of place on a freight train. Burning rubber as angry V8s dump too much torque on poor Korean built tires. These are all the trappings of an engine powered by fire. Take these away and you might as well be prancing around in a skirt, eating only vegetarian food and trying to express your feelings. So what do you get with an engine powered by an electric motor? Nothing except a slight whine and maybe a small purr as the little quarter litre petrol engine fires up to recharge the batteries.

Imagine formula1 with hybrids? I can't and I would rather formula1 racing die that watch f1 cars crawling around a track in silence at 70 kmph and braking in the middle of the straight to increase the efficiency of regenerative braking. Cars powered by an electric plug are like kitchen appliances with seats on wheels. Who would want to watch a bunch of microwaves, fridges or washing machines going around a track?

It all comes down to mans' (and hot womens') obsession with fire. Even the human body is one big internal combustion engine that converts Oxygen to C02. We love to burn stuff, that's what we do. And that is why locomotion without fire is like having sex with a hole in the tree. It gets the job done, but there is absolutely no fun in it whatsoever.

The only scenario in which a normal man might possibly drive a hybrid over a V8 is if Angelina Jolie and promised to have sex with you if you drove a hybrid. Then again I'd probably tell Angelina to kiss my V8 tailpipe. Monica Bellucci on the other hand will probably only have sex with you if you drove a V8. (Most of this is conjecture based on an average assumption of the male preferences because I'm a woman).

Sexy Triumph Lingerie Calendar 2009

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 22:18:00 +0000

Here is a sexy way to start the new year. With a Triumph calendar full of the hottest models trussed up ins some of the most gorgeous lingerie.

Download it here.

Jennifer Aniston Nude? Nope, Close But No Cigar.

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 05:12:00 +0000

Only a few people have seen Jen nude. These include Vince Vuaghn and Brad Pitt and most recently the photographer for GQ magazine. Unfortunately these losers have not obliged us with nudie pics of her. She just recently appeared on the cover and in GQ mag - semi nude as usual -Yaaaawwn! For all those girl-next door fans out there, I hate to disappoint you, but there are no nude pics of Ms Jennifer Aniston. No upskirts, downblouse, nippleslips, panty flashes etc. The question is why does she continue to tease men and lesbos with semi nude pics, always with her nipples and muff covered by strategically placed objects?

I'm guessing it's because thats all she has. Once she completely gets her kit off, that will be it. No one will be interested in her anymore. Kind of like the anti-climax you feel after a wank. But she need not fear because other famous stars have continued to shine even after they have satisfied the you-tubers with good old fashined nudity.

Angelina Jolie has gone full frontal and sent most men's blood south (i.e. penis, south get it?). She's still a hugley bankable as well as wankable star. Nicole Kidman aka ice princess has gone full ftontal too, though it was thankfully in a play. Jessica Biel will soon take some of it off aswell.

There is life after nudity, unless you have played and bluffed with the 'girl-next-door' card for so long that once you put them down on the table, every one sees that you aint got jack. So here's the dilemma. If Jen continues to cock tease the internet-ers and you-tubers, how long can she keep it up? These people though not too bright have some modicum of intelligence. They are going to cotton on to the fact that there is no climax at the end of all the teasing. On the other hand if she does bare it all then there is a high probability that the internet-ers and you-tubers will just probably say 'is that it?'

Poor Jen. To bare or not to bare, that my friends is the question

PS: I forgot, there is one pic of her without her top, at least people seem to think it's her. Happy googling!

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New Nissan Patrol. Old Rivalry Between Patrol And Cruiser at an End

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 05:11:00 +0000

Looks like the new Nissan Patrol has arrived to finally end the debate. The debate that has raged on since the start of 4x4 as to which is better, the Nissan Patrol or the Toyota Landcruiser. There is no more reason for debate as the Patrol and the Cruiser now look virtually the same. Although details are sketchy we beleive a turbo diesel unit similar in capacity and output to the Toyota's 4.2, ifs and live rear axle and separate chassis. The square-ish macho silhouette of the old Patrol has put on some weight and curves in it's new incarnation. Looks like the years have been quite unkind. As a matter of fact the new Patrol can be mistaken as a 'riced out' Cruiser. Let's hope that at least the prices are different.

All About Cars, Riceboys And Ricegirls

How To Save Money In Times of Financial Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 11:18:00 +0000

The global financial crisis is biting like an angry wolverine with an advanced case of lock jaw. Money is tighter than your virgin sister. So, here are some practical ways to stretch that budget without snapping it (For more info see Dummy's guide to the financial crisis).

1. Have sex more often. It's fun and relieves stress - provided your wife is not an old cow requiring regular 'service' and/or your sex is not usually preceded by some kind of payment for 'favours' rendered.

2. Cancel cable TV. Go outside and have a look at the nightly starry sky. This should be extra clear because the electricity company has probably cut off your electricity by now.

3. Don't drive to work and burn fuel - walk or cycle instead. Oh wait a sec, you were made redundant so you don't have to go to work. Think of all money you're saving by not having to fill up.

4. Don't go out for movies, download torrents and watch them on your PC, if you want to watch cheap horror/disaster/tragedy movies just watch the stock exchange.

5. Don't buy anymore clothes. Just use those useless Armani suits you have in your wardrobe. You can wear them to bed, to the beach, anywhere, because you sure as hell are not going to wear them to your bankrupted office.

6. Limit shopping to only necessities. When you go for groceries don't get luxury items such as meat and vegies but stick to basics such as cigarettes and booze.

7. Grow your own marijuana or try to buy it in bulk. Downside is you might get thrown in jail as a distributor. But considering you get rent free shelter and free food in jail, maybe it's not such a downside after all. Also, you will get either raped or free sex depending on your sexual orientation.

A Dummy's Guide To The Global Financial Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 11:17:00 +0000

The world as we know it, is in deep recession. People have lost their jobs, their cars, their houses, their dignity and in some cases, their multi million dollar bonuses. Big CEOs of major car companies have flown in their private jets to Washington to go begging to the government. Banks have gone under. Stocks have hit rock bottom, drilled through it and are now approaching earths core. Governments are throwing money at people to try and jump-start the economy that is flat lining like a patient under Dr Kevorkian. For once everyone is telling us to go berserk and spend money on hookers, LCDs, cigarettes, booze and ecstasy. So what started this disaster? Was it Complex financial instruments? Junk bonds? Cheap loans or ninjas? Who caused this? How did it happen? We all contributed to the filthy disgusting mess we find ourselves in. So let's analyze how we screwed ourselves in the ass. I'm not talking about gays here, so getting screwed in the ass would be pretty damn painful and disgusting (How to save money in the crisis) .

1. We see the share market rising everyday so we think it would be nice to put our hands down those pants, so we go and buy shares.

2. Because people are buying shares the share prices keep increasing. Companies become emboldened and take on riskier ventures and offer shares as collateral. They offer bigger returns and project huge future earnings.

3. This increases share prices and greedy people buy ever more shares expecting them to keep on increasing like a rabbit population on viagra.

4. Sky rocketing share prices embolden companies. CEOs greedily accept bonuses that could feed a small third world country for a week. Companies take on ever more riskier stuff like junk bonds and complex financial instruments. These are so complex that even Einstein would need a stiff shot of whiskey before he tackled them. And even then the outcome would be dubious.

5. Interest rates start to bite people who have taken out loans, some default and those houses go back into the market. Investors take their money out of housing and chase the more lucrative share market. Supply exceeds demand and house prices drop. People with loans find out that the mortgage they are paying exceeds the value of there house. As these are no-recourse loans people just abandon the houses, leaving 'kiss my ass' signs on the lawn.

6. Lenders are now left with abandoned houses,that are worth less than the money they lent. with more houses entering the market, these lenders find that they cannot pay the bigger lenders who lent to them. This goes on up the chain of lenders.

7. Companies start forecasting losses now instead of profits, shareholders start selling their shares. The share prices drop. Companies that have taken out loans and are in mild difficulty find out that they can't use their collateral to settle their loans, because the collateral is usually shares and the shares are worth less than a thong bikini in Antarctica.

8. Big companies find out that the small companies they lent to are defaulting, so now they have a liquidity problem. They don't have cash to service their loans, they go under. All the high risk junk bonds and CFIs are returning nothing but debt.

9. Comapies jut jobs to lower their costs in order to survive. More jobs cuts are forcasted.

10. People don't want to spend money because they think they may need it if they are fired. No one is going to put their balls on the line for a new LCD now are they?

11. No demand for products and services means the people producing those items have to cut back. This leads to more job cuts.

12 Vicious circle continues - eroding consumer confidence.

13. CEOs take home handsome pay packets and bonuses for flushing their companies down the toilet. Share holders are outraged because their savings and nest eggs have gone up in smoke faster than Urkel cumming inside Halle Berry.

14. Governments step in to try and stop the disaster, but it's like bailing out the Titanic with a teacup. However, the rich people get the lifeboats (government bailouts), and the poor people get lot's of icy cold water.

A Woman's Guide To Man (Star Wars)

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 11:13:00 +0000

Almost half the world's population have difficulty understanding the idea of 'star wars.' The problem with this is the fact that the ignorant half is the half with all the boobies. i.e. women. For all the women out there who want to get into the pants of a geek, this guide is specially crafted for both of you. Listed below are the movies in chronological order based on the storyline. However, their release order is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3. Yes confusing - I know.

1 The Phantom Menace - Young Anakin Skywalker meets his future wife and jedi mentor
2 Attack of the Clones - Anakin grows up into a poofter and gets to bone princess Amidala.
3 Revenge of the Sith - Poofter fathers two kids -Leia, Luke. Turns into Darth Vader.
4 A New Hope - Luke Skywalker and team blow up the first death star
5 Empire Strikes Back - Luke finds out that Vader is his dad, and surprise, surprise the empire has another death star
6 Return of the Jedi - Rebels destroy the final death star.

Here is a summary of all that you will ever need to know about star wars, because let's face it, you'll have any geek at beechewawa.

The Force
This is something like telekinesis, basically it's moving objects without touching them. Imagine guys being able to rip off women's clothes from afar, or women being able to mind control men? We'd get a whole lot of nude women watching TV and sipping pina coladas while guys were doing all the ironing. The older you get the more powerful your force is.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
He's the real bad ass bad guy, but sort of cool too. He's a Jedi turned to the darkside, because he lost his mother, is scared of losing his wife and was a bit of a poof in the first three movies. Turning into D. Vader has gives him some street cred. He's Luke's and Leia's father but they don't know it.

Luke Skywalker
He's the hero, but he doesn't get the girl or kill the bad guy. As a matter of fact the bad guy turns out to be his father, and the girl whose throat he tries to ram his tongue down turns out to be his sister. If this were a chick flick it would be a disaster. If it were a porn movie it would be legend!

Princess Leia
Every geeks wet dream. She's a princess and Luke's twin sister. Which makes Darth Vader her father. What was George Lucas thinking when he dressed her in a skimpy metal bikini and put her next to a big filthy slimy slug monster in Return of the Jedi? I'll tell you what he was thinking! He was thinking that it would be the most wankable scene in sci-fi history and every geek would go out and buy a copy of his movie, lots of the tacky Leia merchandise and 10+ rolls of toilet paper.

HanSolo
He's the guy who gets to bone Leia in the end. He is the cavalier, womanizing, chauvinistic dude you find in most Mills and Boon romances. He gets to 'teach' the prissy little chick (Leia) in the end. Incidentally he has a pet gorilla called Chewbacca. Did we mention he gets to bone Leia?

Obi Wan Kenobi
Jedi master. Trained Anakin when he was small. Tried to kill Anakin just after Annie turned bad. Did a lousy job of it too. Just like he botched Annie's training. As Jedis go, this guy is a train wreck waiting to happen.

R2D2 and 3PO
These two are like Starsky and Hutch or Tarzan and Cheetah or maybe Dolce and Gabanna, except that they are not chimps nor are they gay faggots who have fallen out with each other. They offer light comic relief. R2D2 makes little farty sounds and C3PO speaks 10 billion languages.

Yoda
He's the Jedi master, he's over 800 years old so his erections may be week but the force is very strong. He's a bit like ET, only difference is he's better animated and he's got a light saber instead of a phone. He trains Luke in the force.

Beam me up Scotty - back to geek central.

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noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 02:55:00 +0000

Best Fathers Day Gifts - Give your dad what he really wants

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:03:00 +0000

Father's Day is close upon us, as can be seen by the over flowing junk mail in and around the mailbox. Everyone knows that these so called 'days' are an evil plan hatched by all the department stores and retailers so they can put their grimy hands down your pants and grab your wallet, and while they're down there, your balls too. Let's spare a thought for the countless trees that were sacrificed to bring attention to all the father's day deals

Let's for a moment forget the advertisements, even though they are like the smell of skank - clinging all over you. What do fathers really want? Does every dad want turbo charged power tools that can slice of his careless and in 2 seconds, or the latest semiautomatic garden hoe that can chop off all his 10 toes at the press of a button, or a John Rambo signature hunting knife? I don't think so. Here are the top 10 gifts any and every father would love to have.

Clothes - Lingerie, not for your dad, unless he's a fairy. Lingerie for a wife to wear for her husband. What is the common denominator for all men? Sex. Dress yourself up in sexy lingerie and turn up without a head-ache on father's day. Please note that this is probably not a good idea if you're trying to do this for your dad (you're his daughter). Unless you're super hot and your dad is a bit of an incestuous perv.

Power tools - Vibrators, this is an excellent gift because he can use it on himself as well as on his wife or partner. Believe me, if you are a wife, this is one power tool he will want to use on you everyday. Over and over again. Even when you are sleeping.

Books - How about an annual subscription to Playboy or Penthouse? Or something a bit more skankier like 'tit-o-rama' if your dad is so inclined. Not only will he actually read through the whole magazine, but this will help give his right hand a good workout too.

DVDs - Porn! I'd suggest softporn with a semblance of a story. He can fill in all the missing hardcore bits with his wife. This is the gift that keeps on giving, because when no one's home he can indulge in some serious monkey spanking. How many times can you watch Jeremy Clarkson? Once? Now how many times can you watch a hot woman undress? Nuff said.

Food - Forget chocolates or other fancy health foods. What he really wants is a bucket full of oil slathered KFC, a six pack of the best beer and some carpet to munch on a little later in the day.

Lewis Hamilton Bitch Slaps Phillipe Massa

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:39:00 +0000

Not everyone 'gets' formula1. For some, it's bunch of overpaid guys going around and around on a track. For others, it's about their fanatical support for a team or a driver. For still others, it's a colossal waste of money and leaves a curb-stomped carbon foot-print on the environment. However, one thing we can all agree on is that Lewis Hamilton pwned Phillipe Massa at the Hokenheimring last weekend. Not only did Lewis bitch slap Massa, but he made Massa his bitch on that day. Massa could have held his ground and forced Lewis to bump into him, but no, he went onto the grass on two occasions to accommodate Hamilton. Successful race driver have a killer instinct. A never say die, never back down philosophy. Lewis was true to that as he unceremoniously shoved Massa aside. The way Massa went out of his way to avoid contact, he might as well have got down on his knees and licked Hamilton's balls on the podium, and licked Nelson Piquet Jnr's balls too, for good measure. Every driver on the circuit will now know that Phillipe Massa is like a nude, nubile virgin pumped full of GHB, with a shaved beaver, just waiting to be taken at any time, and as many times as you like.

The face of F1 has changed since Michael Schumacher decided to hang up his racing gloves and start making love to his long neglected wife, instead of his racing car mistress. He left a hole in Ferrari that Massa's and Raikkonens' dicks just cannot fill.

"You have 20 teams, with different cars. The fast cars finish in front and the slow cars finish behind. Why would you have any overtaking?"
-David Coulthard.

The Truth about Moving the Lawn

noreply@blogger.com (righteous) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 10:09:00 +0000

This is not about the metaphorical 'mowing of the lawn.' We're talking about grass here. Real grass. Not the metaphorical grass you find on a woman's nether regions. Mowing here refers to literally cutting the grass. Not carpet munching or copulation or some other metaphorical sexual act that impinges upon your perverted mind.

In the beginning of time when man had just freshly evolved from a newt, his priorities were food and women. He was either chasing or being chased by wild animals, kidnapping and raping wives, trying to hump first and then eat anything with a pulse and drawing cartoons on cave walls. Those were the good old times. Then the bugger decided to evolve a little more and became Homo Habilis, a tool user, with a penchant for polishing his 'own tool'. Mr Homo Habilis then one day downed tools one afternoon and decided to grab a bit of kip on the patch of grass in front of his hut. This is the day the lawn was born and the last time Mr. Habilis was going to have his afternoon nap. His free time- the time he was able to save because of his tools - would now forever be lost to that patch of grass called the lawn.

I personally hate lawns and I know the feeling is mutual. I don't have a green thumb, as a matter of fact I have what is called 'the touch of death' thumb to to anything with chlorophyll in it. I'm a plant serial killer. The Ted Bundy in the botanical kingdom. If you count the number of plants I've wasted and the ways in which I have wasted them, it would make Jack the Ripper look like a naughty boy. My lawn has black patches of earth that look like the've been scorched with some sci-fi super lazer. It has areas that are completely overrun by an assorted gang of broad leaved mutated weeds that could be the hell spawn of a nuclear disaster. It has patches of dense mini jungles, probably with mini anacondas and mini jaguars fighting each other. I've tried everything. From digging up the black patches to applying gallons of weed and feed, to using weedkiller to begging and pleading with the grass. Many a time, in my mind, I have relived the pleasure of dowsing my lawn with petrol and setting it alight, then grabbing the ashes in both hands and yelling like a banshee to the sky.

You spend your weekends moving it, edging it, weeding and feeding it, and it repays your love like the child in exorcist. Maybe I could manufacture little nanobots or genetically modify some insect like creature to kill the weed between the grass and make sure there is only one type of grass and not 500 like I have now. Or maybe pretend my lawn is Vietnam and fly small remote control F4 Phantoms over my lawn and drop small napalm bombs and de-foliating agents on it. Or individually pull out some weeds, torture them the way the CIA tortured the Iraqis and replant them so they can go and scare the other weeds into surrendering or committing suicide. Or possibly baptising the weeds and training them as alta boys and then bringing a priest to my home. What does one have to do?

There have to be low maintenance alternatives to the lawn. Astro turf is probably too expensive and green coloured carpets might smell after a while, and tiling the entire garden might make it look like a toilet. I beleive that man is more intelligent and capable than most plants. However, when it comes to the lawn, I have my doubts. The score is currently Lawn:100, Me:0, and that really sucks.