Wayne (Wirs) - Down-To-Earth Enlightenment

Desperately Seeking Happiness

Wayne (Wirs) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:26:32 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--As I wander about South Florida, I often imagine that I've stumbled into the middle of a giant, adult Easter Egg Hunt. All around me people scramble about, covered in fine jewelry, fancy watches, and expensive cars, their hair coated in gel or hairspray, their eyes roving while their minds plot and plan and fantasize. Each desperately searching, hunting, and futilely seeking happiness in external stuff.

Many want more.

I often want less.

Coalescing from the Light

Wayne (Wirs) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:39:50 +0000

This is what it feels like:

During sleep, I'm aware of the Emptiness, the Nothingness. I am this big, open space staring off into big, open space.

Then I start dreaming and I'm aware of the dream and I'm aware that I'm watching the dream. Sometimes I can consciously interact with the dream, but mostly I just watch.

Then I slide into that "in between waking and dreaming" state and I'm aware of that, but now I feel a bit more solid, as if I'm gelling--coalescing out of the LIght.

Then I awake, and I alternate between the Light (ethereal) and problem solving (solid 'ol me). General thinking doesn't coalesce me too much. Fantasizing doesn't either--but problem solving seems to rapidly solidify "me." I guess that's because there really aren't any problems. Conditioning is just causing the thought, "I need to solve this," and some part of me takes it too seriously.

When I catch myself feeling solid, it's very easy--much easier than it was even last month--to dissolve back into the Light, but I have to catch myself feeling solid first.

My point:

All of us merge with the Light every night. Many aren't aware of it, but it happens to each of us every evening. The Light is Awareness, the Life Force, the Divine Within, the Beloved. The Light is God living through your body--seeing out your eyes, experiencing Life through your awareness.

And every night you merge with Her, spend some time as Her, and then coalesce back out when the morning comes.

It's really pretty cool when you think about it.

(On a side note, people I know "solidify" me too. Strangers...not so much. When strangers make eye contact, it's apparent they sense something odd is going on between us. They feel attracted yet at the same time...disoriented, confused, vulnerable. It's actually kind of fun to watch.)

Working Again

Wayne (Wirs) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 01:43:45 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I was approached recently about doing some freelance programming. I agreed to the offer and committed thru July. Work from "home," set my own hours, and write code (which I enjoy in moderation). Will be nice to re-build some savings.

Seems like the right thing to do while my consciousness clears.

On Gentleness

Wayne (Wirs) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:59:09 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I've just finished a response to a Wisdom for Alms email. In it, I talked about personas, about putting on an outfit in order to play in the great Game of Life. I mentioned how a persona is not a lie or a false front, but a focusing of a set of qualities that reflect aspects our true nature.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been focusing on gentleness. As I mentioned in a previous post, gentleness seems to underlie the Selfless state.

Invariably, when I am not feeling gentle, I find that I am under the conditioning of the old "Wayne Wirs." Conditioning which is the result of 48 years of cultural programming.

Conditioning can be re-programmed.

Conditioning is why I am living in gentleness. To reprogram my reactions. To still my old, unconscious ways.

Without a self, we stand stark naked in front of others. But that nakedness makes others uneasy.

Gentleness is like wearing a soft, comfortable bathrobe--and a smile.

Why Don’t Enlightenment Teachers Blog?

Wayne (Wirs) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:32:54 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--A couple weeks ago I went through this entire list of enlightenment teachers (Nonduality/Advaita Vedanta) and not one of the (currently) 77 teachers keeps a personal blog. Not one. Isn't that strange?

Sure some of them post "article" blogs--a series of articles supporting their teachings--but no teacher blogs about their daily lives. Not a single one.

Enlightenment is not just about waking up--it's about living life. It's about a rare, amazing, open, and natural way of seeing and functioning in this world--the perfect fodder for a good blog.

Each of these teachers must have considered how useful a day-to-day, personal blog would be for their students, and yet none of them chose to share their non-egoic lives.

Really--isn't that strange?

Empty & Gentle

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 16:12:43 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I have found that there are two qualities that underlie all awareness when the personal self drops--qualities that are powerfully felt when I'm not under the influence of decades-long conditioning: Emptiness and Gentleness.

Emptiness (vastness/openness) is the mental quality of awareness. In a strange, wonderful intermixed sort of way, everything seems to arise (comes into existence) inside of me, is a part of me, and yet is (all at the same time) still separate from me. I use the word "emptiness" because of the strong feeling of it happening inside of me ("me" being the feeling of this vast, living, emptiness). The inside/part of/separate paradox isn't really a paradox though--it's just like when you think of an easter bunny: the image is inside you, part of you, and yet separate from you.

Gentleness is the energetic quality. It underlies everything. Conditioned "Wayne" has a lot of Yang ("can-do," assertive, forceful) energy, but under that conditioning, is this simple, gentleness that feels so much like the "true" me. I've often heard other's call it "love," but that seems too vague, too idealistic. "Gentleness" feels more alive, more flowing, more natural.

Emptiness is mental and very difficult to experience for most. The noisy personal self is the main barrier to experiencing it.

Gentleness on the other hand is very easy. Just practice being gentle.

Then, as a tool, notice that when you are not being gentle, that you are either under the influence of the personal self or prior conditioning. The simple act of seeing them makes it much easier for them to drop away.

Limited Print: Falls at Letchworth

Wayne (Wirs) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 15:09:03 +0000

This month's print is from my stay at Letchworth State Park in NY. Beautiful place. Also note (below) that I've lowered the prices of all prints. Those who purchased at the higher prices have been sent a refund via PayPal.

25 copies of the above print (sans the black border) will be available for purchase for $100 each. Free shipping and handling.

The photos are unmounted and printed with archival inks on high quality paper. I’ve signed and sequentially numbered each print. The image is 9″ x 6″ on white 8.5″ x 11″ photographic paper. This sizing allows room for the signature and print number (example) to be displayed with a standard-sized matte and frame (not included).

25 prints is considered a very small print run. Once these prints are sold, that’s it, there will be no more printed.

Prints may be purchased here.

New Prices

I've decided to lower the prices of all prints:

9" x 6" prints were $150, they are now $100 with free shipping and handling.

4" x 6" prints were $25, they are now $10 plus shipping and handling.

Spiritually Clogged

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:13:50 +0000

A question from a reader via Wisdom for Alms:

Hi Wayne,

I have been meditating with Holosync (currently on Purification 1 CD #3.) and it looks like the more I do it the more I find myself in a depression. I have no motivation for anything (work, personal goals, etc). I have less awareness instead of having more. I just want to know if I should continue.

At what point was it worth it for you? I keep reading about people who meditate and it just frustrates me since I haven't obtained any wisdom like these people I read about. The reason I keep on meditating is out of faith and because people like yourself give me a little hope.

God bless your work.

(My reply below the break)...

Wisdom For Alms and Free Limited Prints

Wayne (Wirs) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:05:57 +0000

In an effort to help others get through what I've gone through, I'd like to offer to anyone who wishes it, free spiritual advice.

When I was a spiritual seeker, I would have loved to find someone qualified to answer my personal and unique questions. It would have made my search so much easier. But none of the teachers that I respected offered such a service.

I want to fix that.

I had thought of this idea months ago--when money gets really tight and I find myself on the streets, I'll stand at a busy intersection with a sign that reads, Wisdom for Alms. Maybe wear some long robes and a shaved head.

So before it gets to that, here's a virtual, and much more effective version of it--Wisdom For Alms.

Promotion: Free Limited Prints

The only way this is going to work is for others to hear about it. I can't afford to advertise, so I'll offer what I have:

For a limited time (if you still see this promo then it's still active), in exchange for an article about Wisdom for Alms on your blog, a posting to a forum, or the PUBLIC portion of your Facebook page (so non-friends can see it), I'll send you a free 4 x 6 limited print of your choice. You must be the author of the original post (a post please, not just a link, but a paragraph or two) and you must provide a link to the Wisdom For Alms page ( http://waynewirs.com/wisdom-for-alms/ ).

Ideas on your post: What you like about this blog, my message, my photos, what I'm trying to accomplish, what you've learned...

Send me the URL of your post with your mailing address and the print you'd like (4x6 size) and I'll mail you the print in gratitude.

Hurry, I reserve the right to remove this promotion at any time.

Unfortunately, tweets on Twitter, though I'd be very grateful for them, can't be tracked effectively, so I can't offer the print in those cases. But I guarantee HUGE positive karma points for Wisdom for Alms tweets--I mean really, free spiritual advice from a "newly-minted enlightened guy" (thanks Kirtanman) has got to be Tweet-worthy.

Spiritual Guide vs. Spiritual Teacher

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:09:53 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--You may have noticed I changed the name of this blog again, Down-to-Earth Enlightenment. Recently I came to realize how my "way" differs from almost all the other spiritual teachers out there.

Most enlightenment teachers teach from the top down: "This is what Heaven's like. Come on up." They provide an "open space" for the student to find their own way to enlightenment. They sit, they glow, and they beckon.

That's just not my way. I tend to work from the ground up. I work best in the trenches, taking the hand of whomever I'm helping and guiding them up out of the darkness. I've had years and years of experience in corporate America doing just that. I was always the favored "tech guy" to go to because I helped people truly understand what was wrong (without making them feel stupid--and I'd do it in a down-to-earth, approachable, and easy to get manner.

Part of the "Awakening Pregnancy" thing (bottom of this post) seems to be this insight: I am more of a spiritual guide than a spiritual teacher. I'm more comfortable helping people one-on-one--getting results--than some guy sitting up there in front of a crowd, glowing and smiling. I can glow and smile like the rest of them, but I really don't like that approach. It just feels to distant for me. Too impractical.

I'm not ruling out talks--hell, I'm not ruling anything out--I just don't want my style to be sit, smile, glow, and beckon.

My 2009 Favorite Photos

Wayne (Wirs) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:06:33 +0000

I'm a bit overdue on this, but here are my favorite photos from my 2009 travels. Enjoy.

You can access these (and 2008's) via the "Favorite Photos" tab at the top of any page on the site.

A Dream of the Dark and the Light

Wayne (Wirs) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:21:15 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--The other night I had a powerful dream:

I was deep inside some large dark cavern, a cavern that the entire population lived in (or so I thought). I was being chased by some large, unseen dinosaur. As I fled, I ran past a wolf that was caught in a hunter's trap. As I ran by, I felt terrible because I knew the monster was going to eat the wolf. Feeling guilty, I turned around and, even though I thought the wolf would bite me (and the monster might get us), I freed him from the trap (a wire was wrapped around his neck and I cut it away with a pair of wire cutters that were conveniently in my pocket).

More below the break...

Small Prints

Wayne (Wirs) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:31:07 +0000

I've added these six postcard-sized prints to the Limited Prints page. I felt I needed to offer a more affordable, yet still collectable, option of some of my work.

Each print is 4" x 6", numbered and signed on the back. Print runs are 250 (only 250 copies will ever be printed). To keep the numbering system fair, I've decided to randomly select the number of the print each buyer will receive (ie: the first person to order may receive print number 92/250, and the next person to order may receive print number 1/250).

Current prices for any of the above prints are $25 (prices may go up at any time). This price includes shipping and handling within the U.S. (For orders outside the U.S.A, I'll shoot you an email with the costs prior to shipping so you can decide for yourself).

FYI: I expect to add one medium print (9" x 6") and at least one small print (4" x 6") each month.

Synchronistic Wisdom

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:04:37 +0000

“The less there is of me, the more there is of Her.” Synchronicity is a powerful indicator that the belief that we are all One is indeed true. The less there is of you–blocking the Divine within–the more readily the Universe (Her/your Beloved/the Divine Mother/God) can work through your body and in your life… At the [...]

Some Insights

Wayne (Wirs) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:16:19 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--As many of you know, I have been hanging out in "limbo" lately as I try to adapt to this "identity-less" state of enlightenment. Indeed, I've come to think of human consciousness as having three distinct levels: Hell (normal, personal self-centered consciousness), Limbo (after the personal self drops, but before full integration), and Heaven (after integration).

A couple of my issues:

Where is my motivation? Since there is no "me," why should I do anything?
Though I tend to "rest" in Oneness, I seem to contract out of it when interacting with people. Do people like Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, Gangaji, Amma, etc. remain in the Oneness state all the time?

I sent an email to Nirmala about the motivation question and was surprised at how rapidly he responded. I was so impressed with both his answer and his free service, that I decided to offer the same, free email consultations.

Because of his background, he tends toward the Advaita-type responses (you are nothing/everything/pure awareness/nothing/everything)--where I am more the down-to-earth/artistic/appreciative type. I found his answer so helpful that I happily donated $50 to his work.

Here is my question and his response (sent via email about three days later and posted on his blog). I'll write more about my insights when they solidify a bit more.

The Past

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:47:56 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--My poor brother seems to be suffering the wrath of Gods Past. As I mentioned a few months ago in Jeff's Lost Journey (plus photos here and here), it seems that he is destined to learn to live in the moment the hard way.

Just this weekend, I went over to his house to change the Jeep's oil and transmission fluid. While I was doing this, he was working on the steering column of a truck he's trying to sell. When I had finished up, I gave him a hand.

One of the key moments was when, after McGiver-ing a way of re-assembling the steering column without having to buy a special tool (almost an hour's worth of tinkering), he noticed that he had a piece left over. Most normal people would react with either anger, or in Jeff's case, repressed frustration. I pointed out--probably not with the best of timing--that the Past doesn't exist and what is Real is that we just need to put that little piece into that big piece--that's it, no Past, just that. That is Reality. But the mind works in mysterious ways.

Because of his re-assembling experience (Present moment knowledge), Jeff got the piece back in and the column put back together in no time.

The next day, I got an email from him that all was for naught, the truck overheated during a test drive to the point, in Jeff's words, "overheated as in needing a new engine."

The past really doesn't exist. It isn't real--and it mostly just ruins your mood anyway.

Look around. Life is perfect the way it is right now--not the mind or thoughts--but Life. Present Moment, constant, all-the-time Reality. Funny how easy that is to overlook.

Sample Matte Size

Wayne (Wirs) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 13:33:13 +0000

The above is an example of Canoe at Oscar Scherer, framed and matted (sorry if it looks a little cock-eyed, I had to shoot it from slightly above to minimize the reflection in the glass which gave it a kind of skewed look).

The matte is a standard 11" x 14" with a 8" x 10.5" opening. I bought the matte straight off the shelf in an art supply store--no custom cutting or framing was required.

As you can see, this leaves a nice, double-matte look to the print while allowing the signature and print number to remain visible.

Here's a close up:

Note: Frame and matting is not included with the print.

Hurry, price increases on January 28 from $100 to $150. Click here to purchase.

Doh!

Wayne (Wirs) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 02:40:11 +0000

Yesterdays PayPal link to purchase the print, Canoe at Oscar Scherer, was broken on both the FeedBurner emails and the RSS feeds. The link took the user directly to the PayPal login page, not to where they could purchase the print. The link on the blog itself worked correctly though.

Because of the confusion--and because the prints are numbered prints--I removed the online link also.

At the time of this writing, no one has had the chance to purchase any copies.

I apologize for the mess, I still don't know why the RSS & email links didn't work correctly--but since they were graphic buttons I suspect the underlying code had something to do with it.

You can now purchase a copy of Canoe at Oscar Scherer using this link. (Sold via my self-publishing company, Missing Man Press).

Since this is the very first print that I am offering for sale--and if you suspect that my works (photography, blog, books, talks, videos, etc.) will someday become popular, then this is probably a pretty good investment--not to mention (is that an oxymoron?) it will help me get back on my financial feet after all those years of "seeking."

Sorry for the Homer moment.

Limited Print: Canoe at Oscar Scherer

Wayne (Wirs) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:20:53 +0000

For the next seven days, 25 copies of the above print (sans the black border) will be available for purchase for $100 each. Shipping and handling is included.

The photos are unmounted and printed with archival inks on high quality paper. I've signed and sequentially numbered each print. The image is 9" x 6" on white 8.5" x 11" photographic paper. This sizing allows room for the signature and print number to be displayed with a standard-sized matte and frame (not included).

25 prints is considered a very small print run. Once these prints are sold, that's it, there will be no more printed.

The first person to place their confirmed order (please don't pay with a bank echeck as those take 3-5 days to clear) will receive print number "1/25". The second person to place their confirmed order will receive print number "2/25", ... Therefore, the sooner you get your order in, the better.

Remember, these are signed prints. Often photographers use fulfillment houses to print and ship their orders and thus only offer numbered prints, not signed and numbered. I personally print each copy using archival photographic inks (rated at over 100 years) on Kodak paper. I verify the quality and sign and number each print. Prints shipped within the U.S.A. are packaged in Priority Mail shipping tubes to ensure their safe and timely arrival.

On January 28, 2010 (one week from now), the price for any remaining prints will be increased to $150 each.

Some Background on the Photo

When I was a kid, we lived in Oscar Scherer State Park for about three years and to this day, I still consider it "home." Oscar Scherer is located north of Venice, on the west coast of Florida. We used to canoe on the creek, swim in the lake, feed the alligators, and hike the trails. I even met my first rattlesnake in the park. It was a great place to grow up.

Facebooked

Wayne (Wirs) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 23:13:56 +0000

Tell Your Facebook Friends

Wayne Wirs

Create your Fan Badge

I've finally added a facebook fan page. If you are on facebook, please add me, tell your friends, create a fan-badge, etc. I add the "etc." because I'm a real noob over there and have no idea what I'm doing. :)

Thanks!

P.S: Tomorrow, I hope, I'll be announcing a very limited print run (25 prints) of one of my photos. The first person to order will receive print 1/25, the next 2/25, ... until all 25 are sold. If all goes well, I may do this next month with another photo.

Just a Photo V

Wayne (Wirs) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:08:14 +0000

Dancing with the Beloved

Wayne (Wirs) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 16:38:34 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--In an effort to resolve my "spiritual identity crisis," last night I attended my first kirtan with Sula. A few months ago, Chandi had sent me an audio of a kirtan that she had participated in and I loved the way the sound of the chanting made me feel inside. I sensed--and I believe Sula did as well since it was she who suggested it--that all those loving, chanting, vibrating voices would shake something loose and help unlock my blockage.

While everyone sang and chanted in Sanskrit, I sat in meditation and visualized the Light/my Beloved. During some chants, She (the Light/God/Beloved/Pure Awareness) would seem distant and vague. During others, we--She as clear and radiant light and I as clunky, solid me--would hover just above the top of my head (I know how weird that sounds). Toward the end of the evening, the chants seemed to take on a more emotional and reverent tone. During these songs, I felt Her sliding downward through the top of my head and into my chest where we, like snakes intertwined, would swirl around and around each other in a rhythmic dance to the music.

I believe this is the key to my dilemma, our "core" personality (not the personal self) is still required to function in Life. Like the dream of the Mask ("You won't survive without a mask"), the personality without the personal self is like the mask in the dream, physical and with unique features, but clear and transparent. This transparent mask--but with unique features--is required for "God to incarnate in this world"--for our True Self to find a voice and body and way through the world. The union of the two, not the sacrifice of the core personality to the One, is what brings harmony and balance to enlightened (non-personal) consciousness.

So, until these two halves settle in and find their harmony, I'll hold off on the talks/satsangs and just work on more day-to-day activities--"handy-manning" the condo I'm staying in, working on some projects for myself and others, etc. Little, low-energy, routine tasks which will help free up the majority of my "psychic" energy to do whatever it feels best for Her/me/Us to find our rhythm.

The Beloved

Wayne (Wirs) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:44:35 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I found myself in a large, dark, circular room, illuminated by a single column of light in its center. Others were in this room with me, shadows sitting silently facing the Light. Curious, I stepped into the Light and, to steady myself, grasped hold of a pole standing next to the column. Immediately my entire body was burned away and all that remained of me was my hand firmly gripping the pole and I was afraid and I was at peace and I was one with God and She spoke through me/the Light and said to those seated, "I so love you. I am so grateful to you, for it is through you that I can see Myself."

This occurred in one of my 5 am "visions"--an awake, lucid, "dream"--while camped out in Louisiana a month or so ago. I was hesitant to speak of it for fear of diluting my message, "you must drop the personal self," but now I see that dropping the personal self is only the first step toward full Realization.

Without a personal self, we have no will, no direction, no motivation. We find ourselves in Purgatory, in Limbo. We can "play" with the various states of enlightenment--the Oneness, the Passion, the Stillness--but we still feel "unsettled," flowing, but without meaning, without direction. Circling around and around a sensed "Beingness" but never getting any closer to it. Dropping the personal self is only the first--but necessary--step to realizing the ultimate Truth: that we are nothing and God is Everything and We are God.

But God is not "out there." God is the Column of Light within each of us. The "large, dark, circular room" is the interior of our consciousness and the Light/God is what illuminates it. The Light within each of us is what allows Her "to see" Herself.

To realize this truth--that we are nothing and God is Everything and We are God--we must surrender what is left of us, left after the personal self drops. We must throw our "self" into the Divine Fire, burning away any remaining remnants of our former identity. It is only through this sacrifice that we can join with our Beloved--join with Her and be Whole.

I thank each of you for helping me to acknowledge this Truth in my request for insights, and I am deeply grateful to each of you whom I have talked with either in person or via email during the last few days. Each of you, whether you realized it or not, revealed a valuable piece of the Truth: a pointer, a guidepost.

And though I have yet to find the courage to step into the Light without the "safety net" of the pole--the pole which keeps me bound to Wayne and apart from my Beloved--I hope that I soon will.

I leave you with this video, the theme song from Avatar, which, by some miracle arrived in my inbox this morning, not through a reader, but through a forum I follow, Nonduality Highlights. It is the song, I See You, and it says what I have just said--just so much more eloquently.

Dry Run Satsang & My Missing Identity

Wayne (Wirs) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:08:07 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I held a "test" satsang (talk) with friends on Saturday, and, as with most feedback from my fellow Floridians, I got mixed reviews. From my perspective, some aspects flowed nicely while others felt forced and clunky.

Nine friends were invited. Four showed up. The talk seemed to resonated with two, and the other two were critical (one openly hostile or, if you are the PC type (which I'm definitely not), healthily aggressive).

As with any worthwhile growth, once the pain fades, insights are usually revealed.

The main criticism seemed to be that I present a mixed message and energy. "Are you a Student or a Teacher?" was the key question. My answer was, "I don't feel like either."

Once again quoting Marc Gilson's review of Fading Toward Enlightenment, "He (Wayne) is not a guru or a teacher. He is an explorer, a field man more than an academic." Somewhere along the line I seemed to have drifted away from that "explorer-who-doesn't-have-all-the-answers" humbleness in my message and tone.

My Missing Identity

Part of my problem is that I don't know who or what I am anymore. The cut-and-paste answer is that I am "pure awareness" but that isn't what it feels like. Since my identity with the personal self dropped, I seem to be in "constantly shifting" mode. I go from being Oneness to Passion to Thinking to Talking to Eating to Sleeping to Bliss to Confusion to the Present to the Future. About the only thing I don't seem to be is the Past. Six months into this awakening and I still don't feel "settled."

So I'm looking at this. I'm diving deep into my (mind? awareness?) to see what the hell I'm missing. I know it has something to do with "transcend and include." I've transcended the ego, but I've yet to integrate the "higher version" of it. Any useful links on "here's how I adapted to me not being here anymore" would be appreciated. :)

More on the Contemplation of Suicide

Wayne (Wirs) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 01:10:42 +0000

DEERFIELD BEACH, FL--I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I know that suicide is a very touchy topic, and I know my outlook on it is almost the polar opposite of society's. I do want to stress to any readers who are depressed that suicide should NOT be considered an option. Take it from someone who has spent decades contemplating self-control...No one has control of their emotions. We can control how we ACT on them (and even that is debatable), but we definitely cannot control how we FEEL. If you are depressed, recognize that you are helpless to control the feeling (as anyone is with any emotion) and get some help--there are a wide variety of options for the treatment of depression these days.

But here are some things I learned from long and serious contemplations of suicide when it comes to quality-of-life (which was my deciding factor).

When you think of yourself as a soul, the fear of death loses its grip on you. This can be very powerful and is very useful in helping weaken the grip of the personal self (thinking of yourself as a soul). The danger of course, is that when the going gets tough, there is very little reason to "stick it out." Religious beliefs, karma, and the toll it will have on your family should help dissuade you. Obviously this is a huge can of worms. I can't stress enough that this should only be considered with long-term quality-of-life issues, not because you lost your job or something trivial and short-term like that.

After waking up, I didn't really re-evaluate why I was planning on offing myself (strange as that sounds). Remember, I had been thinking this way for a few years. The whole plan was in automatic mode: I had a "tripwire" set up--when my bank balance reached $0--that would signal my time was up. I slept like a baby. Indeed, I kind of looked forward to it--a whole new life.

But, and this isn't 100% clear to me yet, after I woke up--and I fought this like you wouldn't believe--suicide felt wrong. This made no sense to me. "Wayne Wirs" was gone, and since awakening, I don't even think of myself as a "mere" soul anymore, so what was the problem? Of course this thought/feeling was nagging at me just at the time friends and family were trying to get me to explain myself--and I couldn't explain myself because of my confusion. Needless to say, these were very frustrating conversations.

As I said in the last entry, feeling like there was no solution to this, I gave up. I surrendered:

I felt another shift. Driving down I-95, I saw once again that I was in a hopeless position and–once again–I surrendered. I realized that suicide couldn’t be an option in this strange new world that I’ve found myself in–and with that realization, that wonderful familiar feeling of release came over me and I felt another chunk of “Wayne” fall into the Void as She/God/Spirit moved through this pitiful shell that I call myself and I heard Her say, “Relax, let me drive a bit.”

It was only last night that I realized what the problem was--what that "chunk" that I felt break loose was. Buddhist call it aversion: striving to avoid the unpleasant. "Wayne Wirs," who originally came up with the plan, had seen the future and the future looked bleak and suicide was his way of avoiding sleeping on park benches and eating out of trash cans.

When the personal self falls away--what I call enlightenment--there is very little left to hold those "chunks" in place: aversion, attachment, living outside the Now, self-preservation, etc. When something comes along to "shake those chunks up," they naturally start coming loose, and hopefully, drop away on their own. I guess we'll see.

Note: Some people would say that enlightenment is when all that stuff (aversion, attachment, etc.) has been transcended. I call that perfection. Focus on dropping the personal self and you can sweep away whatever is left later. :)

In the mean time, I'm just going to use any "aversion arisings" (worries) to remind me that I'm not living in the moment, that right now is all fine and good and perfect. And you know what? Surrendering to the Now feels pretty damn good.