the Blowtorch

The Blowtorch's Big Book of Basketball Facts

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 15:00:00 +0000

The book is done and it is a free download. Please download and enjoy some laughs at this book full of nonsensical jokes. Way full. Chock full, even.

Donate if you want, but I really just want this to be read. It's been on my computer for a year, and that's just silly because jokey-jokes have no timestamp.

So please, enjoy it. Read me at The Basketball Jones and follow me on Twitter and let me know if you like it.

This has been The Blowtorch.

Brad and Trey Finally Meet

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:34:00 +0000

The Blowtorch Xtranormal meme hi-jack volume 1.

Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 19:27:00 +0000

Deron Williams Has Some Important Information

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:00:00 +0000

We know, Deron. But thanks.

Happy Birthday to Myself

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:36:00 +0000

I turned 45 today. It's a pretty big milestone, so I decided I'd do something nice for myself.

Just leave it, Wikipedia. Be chill.

Television Producers Pitch - My Crew

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:12:00 +0000

Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way in the NBA. It'll be like Friends plus Entourage, so like the best show ever.

Here's the best part. We already cast the show. BJ Novak is in to play Spoelstra. The guy from LOST, he's going to be Yao. And we got Lloyd from Entourage to be Yi. That's great right? He'll definitely help us capture the right vibe for the show. But get this — Scalabrine is going to play himself!

Just let me know how many episodes you want.

RetroTorch: Brian Winters Joins the Bucks

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:51:00 +0000

What's goin' on, sissies?

Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.

I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.

You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.

Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.

Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.

I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.

If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.

Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 20:13:00 +0000

Two Old-Timey Bulls Talk Oil Prospecting

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:40:00 +0000

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?

Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son.

'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.

Do tell.

The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.

Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.

Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.

An ice pick?

Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.

Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?

Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?

I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.

Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.

A burlap sack?

Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.

Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?

No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.

Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.

Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!

Great News

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 20:26:00 +0000

Brandon Jennings has adopted Armon Gilliam's haircut from a 1991 basketball card.
Someone gave Daniel Artest a job.
If you Google "armon gilliam flattop," this site is the number one result. I finally made it, Mom.

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:28:00 +0000

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Omri Casspi Shaved His Face

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:36:00 +0000

Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.

OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going to sign Andres Nocioni because he gives a weird interview on Letterman.

Get it? Because these are things that Crispin Glover really does and Omri Casspi looks like Crispin Glover. Get your beard back, bro. Crispin Glover is cool and all, but not that cool. And hey, Crispin Glover, you were in Charlie's Angels, you're not that creepy. Relax, Crisp.

But back to Omri Casspi. If he decides to look more like Dean Cain that is acceptable. But good luck with your mediocre career after leaving the place that gave you your start.

DEAN CAIN ZING 2010

A Very Effective Shark Imitation

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:20:00 +0000

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?

Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.

Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Kevin Durant's New Arms

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:33:00 +0000

I think the fan movement is pretty cool down in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma home of the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball club. Seems like their fans always want their team to do well, and they're super excited to have a team. It's pretty chill.

However, I DO NOT agree with them replacing their best player's arms with thunder sticks just so 'the people' can better identify with him.

I know you're not used to having a basketball team, but one of the first things they teach you at the town meeting the city holds when it's announced that you will be getting a new basketball team is to never replace your star player's arms with any sort of cheering apparatus. That's like Fandom 101, which is offered at any community college. Take a class, guys.

Deron Williams Goes to the Barber

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:27:00 +0000

Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight."

The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"

So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."

And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."

Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top — I don't have much to work with up there."

Some Bros Talk Basketball

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:35:00 +0000

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.

For real, bro. Crazy.

Kobe, bro.

Bro. Kobe.

I know, bro.

At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."

Exactly.

Pretty tyte, bro.

For real.

Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?

The Shane Battier Replicant

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:17:00 +0000

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean Marks Takes a Break

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:08:00 +0000

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro.

I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.

OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.

Mike Woodson is the Tipping Point

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 23:40:00 +0000

Y'all probably already know that Mike "Carl Winslow" Woodson of the Atlanta Hawksers shaved his eyebrows off to convince his team that he was crazy so that they would win in order to not upset their clearly insane coach. BUT did you know that Mr. Mike Woodson started a trend amongst the more style-conscious NBAers?

That is a true fact.

I found the pictures.

Charlie Villanueva was the first to try it, even before Mike Woodson did it. But people were kind of weirded out by Charlie's devotion to this look. He might have taken it too far.

Trying to show solidarity to both Charlie (both have bad contracts) and Mike Woodson (both of their cities can't believe their team still employs them), Jared Jeffries went eyebrowless. It's actually an improvement.

When all these guys started shaving their eyebrows off, Brad Miller took notice. Since he likes co-opting Black style, he adopted the shaved eyebrows look as well.

Then Troy Murphy attended the Symposium for Big White Guys Who Shoot Threes and saw Brad Miller and he was like, "nice, bro." He went home and shaved off his eyebrows because he thought that's what the whole group was doing. Whoops.

Then Troy Murphy came back to Indiana with no brows, and Earl Watson realized that his massive caterpillars needed some trimming so why not just get rid of them totally. Typical Earl Watson, always kinda messing things up just a little.

Since Brad did it, I had to do it. It's for art, guys. I might also look in to chest hair/giant hands removal. If you know anybody that specializes in that very specific area, holler at me.

As you can see, Mike Woodson is the classic "maven" from Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, a book about random capitalization. It was his daring to bring style to the court that made it okay for all of us to shave our eyebrows.

Shave yours off tonight, take a picture, and it will be posted here. Together we can shave lives.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 18:48:00 +0000

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Some Things

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:47:00 +0000

As of today I'm blogging the Olympics for Yahoo!'s Fourth Place Medal. I'm basically the Blog Costas of the Internet. That doesn't really mean anything, but it sounds kind of important. Nonetheless, Blog Costas says you should read my writing over there.
Additionally, I'm still writing at Ball Don't Lie, too. Read it. (You already are.)
What does all this mean for The Blowtorch? I don't know. You might not believe this, but these jokes I come up with come pretty quickly, so I'm hoping to continue making these jokes. Outside of during the actual Olympics (Feb 12-28 only on NBC and Yahoo!), things should still be active around here, but maybe a little slower. My fingers are just thinking out loud right now.
I'm on Twitter again. NETWORKING.
Remember that book I was writing? LOLers, me too. It's finished, but rather than settling for publishing it myself, I'm going to at least try to sell it. Why not, right? It's 2010. If that fall through, THEN I will settle for publishing it.
That's enough inside blogsball. Here's a picture of Harry Potter at a Lakers game:

One Picture, Every Decade

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 13:53:00 +0000

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.

And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.

BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
80s - too short shorts
90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
10s - this picture was taken in 2010

So basically this is the perfect picture for our times. Every true NBA fan would have it tattooed on their back, with the annotations so that it makes sense.

The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.

"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby

Offense, with Dahntay Jones

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:22:00 +0000

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.

2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.

3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.

4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.

5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.

Darius Songaila Supports Dunking

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 11:49:00 +0000

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.

Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.

Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.

I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!

Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.

What Is This Guy Laughing At?

theblowtorch@gmail.com (goathair) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 14:29:00 +0000

Hey, I like posting up as much as anyone outside of Paul Wall, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what is so so so so so funny to Eugene Pinkoxfordshirt up there. He's just loving life. BUT WHY?

Maybe because of this:

Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.
Found out about Skype.
Kevin Jonas got married.
Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and watched the part that Aziz Ansari was talking about.
Realized that exactly half of R. Kelly's songs are about making sex and the other half are inspirational self-help songs, which is a pretty weird breakdown.
Started reading The Blowtorch.
Is just a jolly fat man who likes to laugh.
Bananas.
One of his buddies wore a sweater that looks like the calibration screen on an HD television.
Farted.
Just likes having a good time.
Found out his dad had Twitter.
Rewatched The Happening.
Can't get "Day Man" out of his head.
Actually choking on a delicious churro.

But maybe it's none of those things. If you think you know what it is, throw it in the comments/bag.