The Blues Diner

Celeration

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:47:00 +0000

So....I've been on a whirlwind of a week this week. Been trying to improve upon my organizational and time management skills. It has worked, but only slightly. I am caught up on my homework, but I still feel like I have a million things hanging over my head.

Mostly, though, I wanted to touch base about my relationship with Michael. I know I usually don't write about something so personal in such an obvious manner, but I need to expound on some feelings here. It's been really, really interesting. We have known each other for years, and we have come to know each other quite well over the last four months since we started dating. This last weekend, however, was a turning point. We got into an argument or two this weekend...was something odd and out-of-sorts for us both. It was the first time we had a real conflict, and it made for a very uneasy weekend.

Story --- there was this whole thing that I had with Michael. It was pristine...completely unscathed, untarnished...just wonderful. Most people call it that "honeymoon period". Granted, we didn't always agree on stuff, but, generally, we were floating on cloud nine. Both of us....and then, a couple of weeks ago, I started getting this weird feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had had with a former partner, and I was thinking it was just me being insecure. Long story made short- last weekend was basically the validating event for my feelings. The whole thing really seemed to blow up in my face.

Point --- for those of you who don't know, I won't go into the last couple of major relationship problems in which I was involved. Let's just say this - the last one made me always feel bad about myself....not because of anything he said or did, but there was NO reassurance about how he felt about me. He never said anything that gave me reason to believe that he was truly interested in me....it was more that he was lonely, and he wanted someone to occupy his time. Fine....I learned from that, and I moved on. The one before that was obsessed...and he made mistakes very early on in the relationship that led me to mistrust him completely.

Bottom line --- I basically have not ever been a relationship where I truly trusted someone. There were levels of trust, but there was always some insecurity in myself that caused me to distrust that boy/man. So....with Michael, I was very, VERY wary and leery of what I was doing with him. I was keeping him at arms' length. I was keeping my feelings for him tucked away safely, so as to avoid any pain that comes with being vulnerable.

As time has gone on, though, I trusted Michael. I allowed myself to open up to him...and I really, REALLY opened up to him. In fact, I've opened up more to him than ANYONE ever before in my life. I was really, really allowing myself to act on the feelings that I had for him, and BOOM! Last Friday, we argue over something stupid...and the relationship begins a tumble.

I felt rejected...and when I feel rejection, I run. That's how I do it. Back in the day, I would sit there and try to convince the guy that I was worth dating, and I would usually get shot down. I would try to change the rejection...almost a glutton for punishment. I learned that was a bad way of going about things. So, now, when I feel rejection, I just check out. I'm respectful enough to go to the guy and tell him that I'm leaving. If it's a heavy relationship, I might actually stick around for a while, but those feelings are there...those feelings of "I just got f-ed over, and I need to move on!"

I felt this overwhelming rejection from Michael after a few days of knowing something was not right.....and, from what I found out later, I was being the needy, clingy girlfriend that wanted to be with him every waking moment of our free time, which is VERY limited. He felt smothered...felt crowded...and he let me know, but he didn't say it was about needing some alone time at first. It was just this undeniable presence of him not wanting to be with me. It was hurtful...it was painful...mostly, though, it was embarrassing because I vowed never to be in that place again with a man.

After time and communication, we have worked it out to an extent. I found out that I was just being myself, and he was having some "cold feet" issues...being single for a long time had put him in a place where he didn't quite know how to feel about being a couple.

PROBLEM: I am sooooo gunshy at this point. I don't want to do all the things I was doing to show him how much I love him. I feel like a stupid idiot for wanting to show my affection for him....don't wanna text...don't wanna call...don't wanna really look at him in the eye. It is soooo hard for me to get over this. I guess it's because I'm thinking he's gonna be like all the rest. It's possible that this relationship has become something less than special...it's possible that it's become something like the other ones. That breaks my heart.

Wish I knew what to do with the feelings. It's hard to trust...hard to let my love show again. I just don't want to be let down again...don't want to be rejected.

2011 - My Year in Review

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Well, 2011 started off in a tasty way. The first thing I did in the new year was eat tasty tamales with my son. I reaffirmed my addiction to Facebook by posting a ton of incredible status updates.

Yeah…this year brought a ton of changes. Most of them started with last year’s big move back into Austin from Kyle. I ended my 8 ½ year relationship with my last boyfriend. That was a bit of life-changer…all for the better, of course, but a life changer, nonetheless. With that new-found freedom, I finally had the guts to ask the good professor (Becker, for those of you that remember!) out on a date. The date never happened…just got too busy, but I honestly believe it’s God’s doing that we never ended up on that date. I wanted to go eat Mediterranean food with him. I went without him, and I discovered a whole new world that became my life for about 5 months.

So, let’s do a month-by-month.

January – I spent time hanging out with my son, learning how to do Hatha flow, and dealing with issues with my apartment complex. I stopped with the heavy yoga love about 4 months later, and the issues with my apartment complex got settled quickly once I found the real owners. Good month for me.

February – It snowed, and I spent the day playing in the snow with my son. What an amazing young man…he turned 12…the last year before hitting those crazy teenage years. I discovered my passion for law by being in a special ed law class with Dr. Fred Hartmeister….totally made me happy and blew my mind. By far, this has been my favorite class in grad school. I also visited a new state (Kentucky) in February…went with Dr. Pogrund to meet and rub shoulders with the best and brightest in the visual impairment business. I was alone for Valentine’s Day, and I tried to remedy that by proposing to Liam Neeson via Facebook. Apparently, he didn’t get the memo because he never sent an answer!

March – Lots of loss and hardship with this month. Two colleagues of mine from work were in a serious car wreck, resulting in some major damage.....and a reminder that life is awfully short. My cousin, Michelle, passed away, as did David Herin, a friend from high school band who bravely battled cancer for a long, long time. One of my closest friends in college, Joseph Garcia, took a risk by trying to have a much-needed heart transplant, and he did not make it. I didn’t realize it until I just looked at my journal and my posts, but I lost some very important people in March. I also decided to give up some things for Lent. I gave up alcohol, facebook, and Dr. Becker. I know, I know….I was supposed to have given up on him years ago, but I really made the break. Again, as we get to December, this break makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve done all year. I took my son deep-sea fishing for Spring Break, and, once again, I got deathly ill on the ship after we got out to fish, and I spent my day sleeping, while my child hooked a couple of huge king mackerel and a shark that got away cuz the deck hand was too slow! Excellent trip!

April – End of Lent….I did not stick with my FB sacrifice or the attempt to stay on the wagon, but I stuck with giving up the man. Like I said earlier, I went ahead and ate Mediterranean food without him, and I met a man that changed my world for a short period of time. What got me was his voice…he sang to me an Egyptian love song, and it blew me away. All I could do was sit, stare, and smile. Then, he continued to impress me with the best falafel and baba ganoush that I have ever experienced….and it was an EXPERIENCE with food, not just a meal. I really kicked it up a notch in the exercise department, and I started seeing some very apparent changes in my body. I stopped feeling like a fat girl for the first time in over 3 years.

May – Fairly uneventful month, other than I spent more time with the singing chef, and I finished my first year of doctoral school. The one major mentionable was the fact that I almost burned my apartment down while trying to heat up the oil for fondue. The situation was overwhelming and scary…and it made me reaffirm my belief in those things that remain unseen, like the hand of God that put out the fire that should have taken down my whole building. As soon as I gave up, walked out of the apartment, and told my son that we were gonna lose everything, the fire went out. It was a miracle…and the police officer that allowed me to cry on his chest really just sealed the miracle deal for me. Glad that May is behind me.

June – I started swimming, and I sent my son on a whirlwind tour of camps and visiting the relatives. I worked in summer school once again…this year, I was asked to teach Rock Band, and it was amazing. The singing chef started to become more and more of a fixture in my life, which caused me to start studying Arabic. Yeah…really…Arabic. Yalla, baby!!!

July – Finished both summer school and summer classes for my doc program. I started my journey into Netflix land, and I started going to see live music again after a long hiatus. The singing chef left the country for a month, so I was out and about. It was nice to know that I’m not too old to dance the night away at the Broken Spoke and still be able to get up and make church the next morning. Kinda reminded me of Stella Boes on a Geezinslaws night back in the day!

August – I turned 36 years old…close to 40 than 30….closer to 50 than to 20. I worked my way up to swimming 1 ½ miles at Deep Eddy pool. My body was in amazing shape just from a month of swimming. The singing chef returned from abroad and brought with him a few gifts…one of which would be the undoing of our time together (thankfully! Again, God definitely has my interest in mind!). I rediscovered my love for dancing in clubs on 6th Street, but I also discovered that being 36 years old on 6th Street is not as fun as it was when I was 21. Go figure.

September – I was happy to be back into the full swing of things. The singing chef went by the wayside after an explosive Sunday evening chat, and I was more than relieved that it was finished. I found a love for Arabic music, dance, and language, and I also now have a discriminating taste when it comes to Middle Eastern food. I also understand that some men from the Middle East are mostly selfish, and they tend to take advantage of those who will do things for them….take what you can get and give little or nothing in return. Super valuable life lesson learned! We welcomed a new Darst into the world…welcome, Baby Lillie! Oh…and by September 28th, I reconnected with this amazing man named Michael Batchellor. All I can is, “WOW!”

October – Solidified the long-term committed relationship with Michael. I know it seems super-fast, but he and I have known each other for years, and this was just bound to happen. I missed Halloween with my son for the first time ever because I had to be in class on Halloween night. This year has brought a lot of firsts…not so many of them are good. It is what it is.

November – Lots of things for which to be thankful. I experienced something that I have never experienced before with Michael….I am finally able to trust someone with my whole heart and soul. It is the scariest thing I have ever done, but I know that Michael was put here to protect my heart. He does an incredible job. This month also marked the month in which I severed ties with a couple of people who probably never really needed to be in my life in the first place. One of the losses is quite regrettable, but the other is just fine. I have resolved that things are exactly as they are supposed to be. The best thing that happened in November was my son’s debut as the lead role in Pirates of Penzance. Wow!!!

December – The best month of the year so far. It’s been a major roller coaster, but I am so happy that I can feel all of the feelings that have come with this month. I spent time with my family…had THE BEST Christmas Eve morning tacos with a large group of family. This touched me more than anything. I made my first B in grad school, which hurt my ego quite a bit. I helped to put on an amazing Big Show at my school, and enjoyed the last week of school with one of my favorite students, JOT. I played some decent bass at the annual work Christmas party, and then got the most devastating news of the year…that the Becker, the man I wanted for 18 long years, has cancer. I am certain this is why God intervened back in December/January/February. If I had been given the opportunity to fall in love with this man just to have him taken away by such a nasty disease like cancer, I am not sure how I would have coped. Harald changed my life, and I am going to do my best to give as much in return as I can. Two days after that, my dad gave me the best Christmas present he’s ever given me. I met Michael’s family, and I am trying to figure out how to make next year a million times better than this one.

I loved this year. It was a year of major growth…a year of loss…a year of gain. I am thankful to all of y’all who shared it with me, and I can’t wait to take on all that 2012 has for us all! Thank you, 2011….it’s been real! Bring it on, 2012! Happy New Year!

My Mamaw

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:04:00 +0000

So....I was just sitting here today wondering why this past week has been so incredibly difficult for me. Tons of bad news, lots of pressure and stress, and the end of the semester just kept rolling over and over in my head as the explanations for my state of mind. I know, I know the daily comments and status updates are full of love and hope and happiness, thanks to my incredible partner, Michael, but there has been an underlying current of melancholy and a crazy, four-day bout with an upset stomach that got me wondering if there's something I'm missing.

So...this morning, I look up at the calendar, and I see the date. It's December 6. I have always hated this date. I know, I know...how can one hate St. Nicholas' Day? Well, it's obviously not because of St. Nick. It didn't really hit me until I was thinking about something I heard over the weekend....a song I heard that reminded me of my Mamaw. It's almost unreal to me, but, 25 years ago today, she left this earth for her home in heaven. For most of you who are not my family, you would say that we all miss our grandparents or other relatives when they die....and even my family would know a little more of the depth behind my feelings related to her passing. Thing is...I have not ever really understood the depth of my feelings related to her passing. At the time, I was devastated....my world spun out of control, as that same year was the year my parents split up, and the same year a lot of other really bad things went on my life. If 1986 had a "do-over" button, I'd hit it in a heartbeat. Needless to say, my Mamaw's death sent me reeling....but, not until recently, have I come to understand her and her love for me.

Being a parent will make you finally see things your parents always tried to tell you, but that you thought were pointless and perhaps even senseless. My Mamaw was like a parent to me....don't get me wrong, though. My mom and my dad were parenting me, but my Mamaw parented me just as much. She taught about how to love Jesus...about how to trust people...about how to believe in things unseen and unheard....about how to love unconditionally....about true acceptance. Many people knew her in other ways, but I knew her as this incredible woman with the patience of Job. She always took me to get a Justaburger with cheese, small fries, and a strawberry shake on Wednesday nights. She would watch Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights. She would have afternoon cartoons on every day---Tom and Jerry! She would cook red beans and rice with bread and butter for lunch...always with Kool-aid, of course. She would watch the Incredible Hulk and Dukes of Hazzard with me, and I would watch Dallas with her. I knew she loved her soap operas..Ryan's Hope, All My Children, As the World Turns, and Guiding Light. I knew she loved the Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune. She liked cheddar cheese. She liked pickled pig's feet on occasion. She showed me how to fill out her checks and help her pay her bills. She showed me how to dust and polish the table in the den. She even let me play that devil's music (my newest Twisted Sister or Motley Crue tape) even though it gave her a headache. She would sit in her chair and rock....she would drive in her blue Gremlin....and then the Nova after our wreck. She let me feed her when she was in the hospital...let me hold her hand and told me I was the best little helper. I even watched my last Saturday night episode of Wheel of Fortune this night 25 years ago....just cuz I knew she would be watching it, too.

She always took so much care of me, and I was able to get the chance to start taking care of her. I have never, ever known such comfort or security as I did with her. Can't quite believe that she's been gone for 25 years. I miss you, Mamaw. I love you.

This night is for you, Lucille Irene Rowley.

I know you all wanna know....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:24:00 +0000

So...it's been a while since I last checked in. I feel like I need a major brain dump, so here goes.

Let's start with the newest addition to my life....the man of the hour: Michael. Yes, folks....ANOTHER Michael in my life. Actually, he's been in (and out) of my life since 1997. Technically, he met my best friend and her sister and my other besties back in 1996....the sister (Sara) was working at Denny's on Oltorf (yes...the same one that we used to "live" at, and the one where I worked for a short time) when this guy, Michael, worked there. He and Sara became fast friends...hanging out, doing some music stuff. At the time, Sara lived with my best friend (her sister), Jean, and my other best friends, Erin and Anne. They still lived in the Disco Den on Riverside...the apartment with the killer parties in 1996. I took off and went to Germany for a while, and Sara took my spot in the DD. So...that's when Michael technically came into my life, even though I wasn't there to meet him face-to-face. Once I got back to Austin in 1997, though, I made Michael's acquaintance. It was really a great match. We used to love to play music together...we would play lots of stuff that nobody else would play with me, like Eagles stuff and Beatles stuff and 80's hair metal ballads and the like. We hung out quite a bit back then...I was at his apartment frequently. There were definitely some sparks back then, too. We once tried to kiss each other, but it was kinda awkward, and we decided just to be friends. Well, there was one other night after that where he had walked me to my truck, and I proceeded to kiss him. That was a kiss that I have always remembered...can see the whole event just like it was last night. The expression on his face...the smile I had on mine...our conversation about the kiss. It was incredible, and that was it. I went on to marry Chris and start a family with him, and he went on to marry his ex-wife and start a family with her. That was 15 years ago, and we just chalked our kiss up to, well, just that...just a kiss and nothing more.

On and off throughout the years, Michael and I have gotten together...tried to play some music, sent a couple of emails here and there...just checking in and wondering how the other was doing. There was never a point in time when we were both single during these communications. We were happy to hear from each other, but we also maintained our distance and separate lives. Back in the spring, I saw a post from Michael, and I wrote to him asking him where he was. He had moved out of Austin to the Dallas area, and getting that response was actually disappointing for me. I can't explain it, but, at that moment, I was kinda sad. It was just one more of those emails to "catch up and check in," but the response was a little hard on me. Now I get why, but I didn't get it back then.

So, in the summer, Michael commented on a video I posted. He was giving me crap about a song I posted. He and I have very similar tastes in music, and we agree about almost everything music-related. There are moments where he and I don't see eye to eye, and it always makes for a funny comment....and it always puts a smile on my face. His comment was about a pop song that I liked this summer, and I smiled so much about it. Then...back to the "off the radar" status for us both. He was doing his thing, and I went on doing mine.

Then, I saw a post from him in September. I emailed him and found out that he was back in Austin. I suggested we meet up, grab a drink, and really catch up. We went to my new fave hang-out (Cheko's) for a tasty beer and some dinner. He walked into the restaurant, and I stood up....I was SOOOO excited to see him. I hadn't laid eyes on him in a years. I was thrilled. We hugged, and it felt so familiar and so comfortable. Needless to say, we sat down, talked, laughed, and had a fantastic time. We ended up going bowling afterward. We tried that kiss again, and, this time, we actually listened to our hearts. We decided we should try another round of bowling later in the week.

Bowling led to another date...restaurant..out to eat...nothing amazing, but I noticed that things were comfortable. More emails and talking and chatting...like two teenagers. The thing was that, for me, this was so easy. I know Michael...I trust Michael....and I already loved Michael in many ways. It was just like strapping on my favorite guitar...very familiar, very comfortable, very exciting, and very right.

So, yeah....we are still in the early stages of stuff, but things look really promising for me. This relationship with Michael brings with it a lot of firsts for me. I feel at ease with Michael...this is a first for me. I don't have to prove myself to him....he knows who I am, and he's getting to know all the parts of who I am -- my good parts, my bad parts, my attitudes and opinions, my mood swings, my preferences -- and he's still here. I'm doing the same with him, and I'm still here. We are seeing each other for who we really are, and we like each other. He is my best friend...and he says I am his. Another first: there is no "other guy" in the background lurking in my head. There was always another man back there in my mind for the whole of my dating life...might not have always been the same man, but there was always "another" back there. That man with the promise of "if this one doesn't work out, then I can have him" kinda thing. I don't have that with Michael...and I don't want it ever again. I am relieved about that. Really, really relieved. Another first: he is honest with me. Just saying. No deceptions, no lies, no hiding, no sneaking, no covert operations at friends' houses...just pure, unadulterated honesty. Sometimes, it's brutally honest...sometimes I don't like what he has to say, but I appreciate the honesty. Best part is -- I get to be honest right back to him. Another first: No worries. I am frightened by what I do in this relationship, since this looks like it's going to be the only one I'll be in for the rest of my life, but I am not worried. I want to do this relationship correctly, so I'm really making sure to take things slowly...really being methodical and true to myself in every part of it. I am aware and conscious of everything, but I am NOT worried. Such an amazing feeling.

Michael. Yeah.

More later.

Blame God?

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 03:06:00 +0000

So...today, I was sitting in church, and I was listening to our pastor. Over the last few weeks, the pastors have been preaching on the theme of faith and relying on God in all situations, and we have hit on some really hard topics.

The one thing that keeps coming up in the sermons is that, apparently, a lot people tend to blame God for things. For instance, when a loved one dies suddenly, accidentally, and without warning, some people blame it on God or the lack of God's protection or intervention. When a natural disaster occurs, there are people who will blame God or say that God caused that disaster to happen. Mostly, though, some people blame God in their times of trouble.

I got a few other lessons out of the message today, but the one thing that keeps resonating in my heart and soul is that whole idea of people blaming God. I have never blamed God for anything. In fact, when I look back upon the trials and tribulations through which I have lived, I never recall 1) feeling like God was to blame, 2) feeling alone or abandoned by God, or 3) feeling that God had anything to do with the bad situation at hand.

For instance, when my Mamaw died when I was 11, that was the worst time of my life up until that point....and it stayed as the worst moment of my life for years afterward. I never once blamed God for that loss...never once thought that God had anything to do with her death. My thought was that she was sick, and that her body just gave out. She was supposed to go at that time, in that place, and in that way.

Another thought....the whole idea of major tragedies...natural disasters, terrorist attacks, genocide, war, abuse, neglect....in all of these instances, bad things happened to good people. I am of the understanding that all things in this life happen JUST AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. God doesn't cause bad things....God isn't the "one" to blame when bad things happen. Those things that happen because they are supposed to be that way at that time and in that way.

Now, I'm hearing a couple of mutterings among the masses...two, in particular:
1) So, if God doesn't cause bad things to happen, then what about the good things? Why do you praise God and thank God when the good things happen, and not blame him when the bad things happen?
AND
2) You are trying to tell me that my child being killed at a young age in a car accident or because of a drug overdose or because of a fatal disease happened because it was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN??

As for 1....that's easy. God is to be praised in all situations, good or bad. God gives us a new day each time we wake up after a good sleep. God knows the path upon which we are all moving, and the things in that path are ruled by the laws of nature, the freedom of choice that all humans possess, and by His divine intervention. Whether we know it or not, God's plan might not make any sense to us. We might never understand why bad things happen, but maybe they are not BAD, per se. Maybe they are just stepping stones...maybe they are learning moments...maybe they are steps in time that cause us to pause, jump out of our routine, and give us reason to evaluate the worth and purpose of our remaining time here on earth.

For 2...that's a hard one. Again, I have been to hell and back many times. I understand how much I wish and pray to God that certain situations could be marked as "do overs", and that I could have a chance to try again. I wish to hear my Mamaw's voice coming from her mouth...and to see her face standing in front of me instead of in some flat, lonely photo. Yeah....those things happen for a reason, and they happen exactly as they are supposed to happen. Just like everything in this life...there is a REASON....a PURPOSE.

We just have to be open to embracing it.

....the wonder....the wonder of you!

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:32:00 +0000

So...I am feeling a little stuck these days. Actually, last Sunday kinda kicked me in the gut. We had a guest pastor at church, and he is a rock n' roll preacher. Yeah, it's true...there is actually a Lutheran pastor with some nads. Rarely do Lutherans take such a stand...but, in the true path of our very own Martin Luther, Paster Jonathan Brandenburg just blew me away. As the congregation began the Lord's Prayer, he interrupted us with a bunch of voices that kept asking, "Do you really mean it?"....and then, as we were all sitting there kinda freaking out, he said, "I don't believe you mean it. I don't believe you." It was really, REALLY amazing, and the sermon...no, the whole service was so different. It got me thinking about things.

So...here's where the "stuck" part comes in. I am having some really wonderful ups in my life. School is going well enough. Work is also going well, and I enjoy waking up every day and going to my job. My kiddo is impressing me and teaching me on a daily basis, which makes life really cool and interesting. I am getting really healthy, and my body is starting to look like something that resembles me about 15 years ago. Life is looking up in so many ways. Then there's the downs....I'm stressed as heck about school. I feel like I am not doing enough at work to make a real difference in the lives of my kids. I feel sometimes that parenting is the hardest job I have ever had, and it makes me think about how thoughtless I was in some of the decisions I've made in my past. I am not as healthy as I could be, and most of that unhealthy stuff is emotional and mental.

This is where I get stuck. I sometimes think that I am not living...not REALLY living. I am surrounded by many wonderful people...friends, family...but I'm lonely for someone who wants to be my partner in life. I am doing so well with school...becoming Dr. Shandar, of all things, but I am really longing to be making music and sharing my talents that have been hidden away for a long time. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a way to take care of my child, but I look around, and it seems that I have gone back to living like a college student.

Hmmm....wish I could reconcile this all. Then again, now that I think about it, I would rather not think about it at all. I would rather just say that this is worthless, time-wasting drivel. I'm feeling like confession time might be in order.

Who's ready for some confession time?

Why should I buy good shoes?

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 03:23:00 +0000

So....tonight is the end of a short journey into a world in which I do not belong. I have finally realized that, after a few months of in-depth learning, inner struggle, reconciliation, deep thought, deeper prayer, and just some simple logic, I cannot find a compatible partner for this life until I totally surrender to the real man that is out there for me.

See....here's the deal. Wait, wait....let's back up here. I was never a looker....I am still not that pretty, but I have certain qualities that make me attractive to some people in this world. I have the beautiful eyes from my mother...the muscle tone from my father...amazing hair from both parents...the wicked grin from --- uh, well, I don't know, but I have this wicked grin that really gets to some people...and I have a personality that doesn't quit...and most people think that I have a really good heart. I do not have beautiful skin or a lovely nose like my mom, and I just happen to have short legs and a long body like my dad---not the ideal for a hot chick. I tend to be a tomboy still, but I love to try to look sexy or pretty or feminine whenever I can (work not included!).

With that being said, I find myself entering into these "boat rides" with all sorts of men that I never, EVER would have thought would have had any interest in me. Over the last few months, I have had the opportunity to get to know this man. He was raised in a different time and place--VASTLY different from anything I know from my own upbringing. He seems exotic to me, but not in that "Paris and Madrid" kind of exotic, nor the "Bali and Indonesia" exotic. He just seems exotic. He is a handsome man...nice facial features, nice smile, nice hands and feet...and other attributes of a man that I like most. He is DEFINITELY NOT my idea of perfection, but he is someone with whom I found some interest and some genuine chemistry. I felt no pressure, and I really went slowly with getting to know him----a first for me!

During the whole time we hung out, I was ALWAYS skeptical of him and his intentions. We could talk about many things...we had some common interests, but we both had such different lives (daily and in general) that there was never really any time when we were at a loss for a topic of conversation. I was constantly wondering about him, though...constantly questioning every word that came from his mouth. (*this, my dear readers, comes from years of conditioning...I don't trust people cuz most people end up lying to me or hurting me at some point, so trust is really the LAST thing I do with people...well, marriage and trust are on the same level!)

Then, last week, something happened. All of the time, this guy had told me things, and every single thing he said was proven to be true. Every promise he made to me was fulfilled. Every thought or feeling that was conveyed by him to me was validated. We were having a conversation about my graduation date and the road ahead, and he professed interest in going to the ceremony to help me celebrate my accomplishment. All of the sudden, there was trust. Not sure why that comment made it happen for me, but it did. That, and the fact that the man made me want to wear better make-up and buy good shoes.

This is the most interesting relationship in which I have been so far. I was able to work on some of my most annoying habits (not all of which I avoided...but then again, he has a few, as well!), and I have found some inner confidence that I never knew was there. The dating part of this relationship is over now, and even the break-up was something very, VERY new to me. I started to play into that whole, "I have to know what he's thinking...I have to know if I can get him back now that I've decided to leave him...I have to know if he still wants me, and if he doesn't, how can I get him to want me again" thing. Thing is, in the past, I always needed that person to still want me even though I was leaving them. The last relationship I was in changed my mind about that. When it's over, it is over. Let's all move on. Wanting to still have that person longing to be with me is really just me rejecting them before they rejected me. I had no confidence in my self. This is something that I have done in the past...and I finally realized that I only end up making myself look foolish. I end up feeling more hurt than just sticking with my decision to leave.

So, now that this thing is over, I am truly relieved and confident. That is really the only word that keeps coming up. When I've been involved with a break-up before, I was always torn up about the choice to leave....there was always something that bordered on regret. With this choice, though, I know it is for the best, and I know that both of us are better off because of it. I learned a lot about myself, about this man, and about his way of life. I feel like I'm a little more of a grown-up because of this. (ok, shut. up. now. stop giggling!)

I did say to him that I would still be around if he was ever interested in hanging out again, but, the more I think about it, the more I know that neither he nor I would be happy in that place again. I can't explain this, but I am feeling so good about this right now. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me, but I think it's more like I have finally figured out the secret.

I have a lot of love to give, and the person who gets that love will not be someone I seek, but someone that is there just at the right time and place to be noticed.

And with that....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:59:00 +0000

So...today, I am officially closer to 40 than to 30. I turn 36 officially at 12:15 p.m. (I think!)....my mom always calls and tells me my birthday story. It's not quite as detailed or exciting as the Christmas story, but she does a pretty darn good job trying to make it so!

At 36, I have to reflect a little. I am really, REALLY excited about this birthday. Not quite sure why. I don't really remember age 6....I think I had a great birthday party. I think I had a party at my Mamaw's house. Don't quite remember. I liked 16...that was a party out at the beach. It was fun...my whole fam came out, as did many of my friends from school. At 26, I was in the middle of the worst part of my marriage, and it was one of the worst birthdays I have ever had. There were things going on in my world that left me scarred for life....and I am glad that I am totally finished with that year and that birthday. So, now I'm 36. When I look back on these first 35 years of my life, I feel like I have done some things......

(and now for my favorite thing---a list!!!)
1. I lived through childhood without dying, incurring any physical impairments or becoming dismembered.
2. I found my love and talent for all things music at a young age.
3. I learned about faith and solidified my belief system also at a very young age.
4. I learned about love, trust, loss, betrayal, lust, longing, joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction all before the age of 12.
5. I found true love, true friendship, and true belonging before my legal "coming of age".
6. I finished high school with fair grades, moved to Austin, and fell in love with my favorite city in the world.
7. I spent some of the best years of my life at St. Edward's University, finishing with a big, phat BA in Psychology, a new level of musical proficiency, and a new love and aptitude for all things German.
8. I met the father of my child, made my child, and experienced the reason for wanting to better myself every day of the rest of my life.
9. I went through therapy for all the years of "mess-uped-ness".
10. I started doing things for myself instead of trying to prove that I am lovable because of what I can do.
11. I worked through the longest relationship of my life and learned that I can do it. Really.
12. I learned to love myself for who I am....and I am freakin' glad that I made it to 36!!!!

LOVE my life!

Dating....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 04:54:00 +0000

So...I am confounded once again. I really don't know how this whole dating thing is supposed to work. As of the last blog entry, I was being continuously haunted by the men that aren't good for me (i.e. married!), and now that I have gotten used to that, I am now trying to understand how this whole dating thing is supposed to work.

See, I'm a serial monogamist. I have always had a boyfriend with some sort of spoken commitment since I began real dating at age 14 or so. I have had a few "boyfriends" that I "dated" for short amounts of time (a few weeks...maybe even a few days, in a couple of cases), but those guys were always the only one for me at that time. There were a couple of guys that "overlapped"...like, I was starting to become interested in a new guy when the current guy was on his way out. The break-up was imminent, and the new guy knew that I was in the middle of a break-up, so the overlap was still in line with the serial monogamy theory.

Point - I have no idea how to date more than one guy at a time. I sure DO know how to tell the current guys that I am dating other guys. I think that is only fair, and, since it's honest, it is easy to say it. The worst thing that can happen is that the guy doesn't want to date me. Easy enough. The hardest part is figuring out how to work the dating system.

How does one date? What are the boundaries? Does it look like something right out of the Bachelorette?

Where do I begin to tell the story....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 04:21:00 +0000

So...I have experienced the worst kind of irony over the last little while, and it's beginning to make me wonder why. Apparently, I have a sign tatooed on my forehead that reads something like this: "Please be attracted to me, like me, and ask me out multiple times on dates if you are married!"

Seriously. I have been single for a short while now, and I am NOT actively (or passively, for that matter!) seeking any type of relationship with anyone other than "let's hang out and grab a drink every now and then"...and that could be with a guy or a girl. Point---I am not out prowling for a man. In fact, I am actually trying to stay away from forming any type of relationship with a guy for many reasons....mostly, though, I don't have time for any of it.

All of the sudden, though, I get these offers from people. "Hey, let's go out on a date" or "Let's go out to dinner and movie" or blah, blah, blah. They are all very handsome, very personable, stable, sweet men...very attractive....not young enough to be my kid, but not old enough to be my dad. There's only one hitch to most of them---
Me - So....do you have kids?
Them - Yeah...I have (fill in the number). They are (fill in the ages...10 years old, 20 years old, 4 years old, 25 years old)...blah, blah, blah.
Me - So, where do they live?
Them - (here, there, everywhere) with their mother.
Me - Oh...with their mother? Yeah, I know about that...how do the kid(s) handle two households?
Them - Two households?
Me - Yeah...your house and their mother's house?
Them - Right...well, see, I am still married to their mother.
/cue beethoven here!

Really. No joke. That was a convo I had. That just about killed me right then and there. I had no idea that these guys had such intestinal fortitude. My next thought was that I must have this aforementioned sign on my forehead.

Ok...so as not to be rude, I directly said how strongly I feel against married people dating outside of their marriage. There are always circumstances....living in South America, and we are waiting on a green card, or taking care of a dying parent in France, so we live apart....or we are separated, but divorce is not part of our religion/belief system....or we can't divorce, as it would devastate our kids! Yeah, and wanting to date someone other than your wife is gonna be cool with your fam and your kids and your religion? HUH????

The only reasoning I kinda "get" is the whole, "We're in an open marriage, and I just want to date you for physical purposes." That's easy. For me, that's an immediate deal-breaker, and I give the swift "No thank you" response.

Can someone answer these two questions for me:
1) What is this all about?
2) Why is it happening to me?

So tired

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 14:54:00 +0000

So....I have not been on here in a while. So many things have happened in the last month....finished year 13 at TSBVI, graduated my child to the next grade in middle school, finished year one of the doctoral program at Texas Tech, and decided to sign a new lease at the apartment.

I am drained....truly drained. I have nothing left to give. Part of that could have to do with the fact that I woke up this morning to having my car missing from the parking lot. I looked around, and I couldn't find it anywhere! Where is my car? Well, I looked at the spot where I parked, and I think it is a spot for motorcycles, but I am not 100% clear about that...well, I wasn't, but now I am! Anyway, the car is gone, and I have half an hour before I have to be at work. I start dialing numbers, get in touch with work, the cab company, and the towing place. An hour and 15 minutes later, I am at work, sweaty and hot from standing out in the sun while waiting for the "new system" at the towing place to process my information. I cried and cried, mostly because I feel like a dumba$$ for parking in that spot....well, that, and the fact that I just paid two weeks' worth of a pay to get my car out of impound.

Needless to say, I won't be parking in that spot ever again, and I will be working more this summer in order to make up for the stupid mistake that I made. What bothers me most is that I am making some major mistakes as of late, and I have no idea why. Someone suggested that my mistakes come from being stressed out...that memory, proactive planning, and problem-solving skills all take a hit when one is under extreme amounts of stress.

Still not feeling 100% well. Wish that I could relax. Maybe I can relax this weekend. I have to be finished with school tomorrow, so that should be a load off of my mind for the next 5 weeks. Please keep me in your prayers....send me some positive thoughts and vibes....or, if you're into it, please send me a postcard. If you would like to send me postcards, email me, and I'll send my address to you!

Pickles and ice cream...and vices

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 18 May 2011 22:23:00 +0000

So...I just put that title up there for my friend, Kathi. She just happened to be at lunch, and those were the two exact foods available to her. She did not necessarily choose to have pickles and ice cream, but I have to give her guff about it, nonetheless.

I'm tired today, but not miserable. I went for my walk/run yesterday, and it felt good. I had not made time for it in about 2 weeks. I definitely know when I am not getting exercise. My body tells me so.

Today, I have been thinking about vices. I have been thinking about changing the world around me in drastic ways. I have given up the top three major vices in my life, and I still feel like I am blindly bounding down this path of mystery. I keep finding myself in a state of contentment....a state of the lack of worry...a state of security, like there is nothing that I really need to worry about. Quitting smoking....it just happened with ease. No cravings, no longing for a smoke. There's even a sense of happiness and satisfaction knowing that I am not a smoker. I like saying that I am a non-smoker. I like saving money...saving my health...being a healthy role model for those around me. I like making the non-smoking lifestyle cool again! I am not worried about smoking. It makes me feel great.

There are two other vices on which I will not comment...at least not at this time. They are two major issues in my life, and both have consumed copious amounts of time, effort, and energy. I feel a little lost without them, but, at the same time, I also feel this major sense of liberation. Keep in mind, all of these vices are personal, and those that may be affected by my shedding my vices are asked to be understanding and supportive.

Do you have vices that should be shed? What are they...and how are you shedding them?

Guate Alte Zeit

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Mon, 16 May 2011 14:13:00 +0000

So....this was an incredible weekend. In fact, this is one of the best weekends I have had in a long, long while. I went camping with the boy scouts on Friday, and we had a shooting day on Saturday. We shot black powder rifles and .22 rifles. It was a ton of fun. I found that I was having a hard time holding my front hand still enough to get an accurate shot. I guess it was nerves or adrenaline. I had fun, in any case.

Yesterday was fun. We went to church, and then down to Barton Springs pool for a swim. Then, we went to this new restaurant called the Spicy Pickle. Yummy!!! It's a sandwich/sub/pizza joint, but they have really fresh, really tasty food. They had this basil mayonaisse on my sandwich. Wow....wow. They also have a nice, thin-crust pizza. Highly recommend this place.

Then, we went out to this Reptile and Amphibian expo. It was a tiny show, but there were lots of animals to see. My adorable child was being so sweet, kind, and polite. I finally saw a good deal on a new pet, and we brought her home with us. We now have a new friend in the house...her name is Princess Cynthia. At first, it was Cynthia, and then Pillar Cynthia (her markings look like Roman pillars), but then, Princess replaced Pillar. So...now, we have a new kid in the house named PC.

I am "off" this week, meaning no homework, no extra project work for my professor, and just a few little things that have to happen. I have to clean my apartment, and I need to get ready for summer school. I am at my wit's end, though, trying to figure out how to relax. Swimming was nice. I also started a painting the other night. I am still so tense because I don't know what to do with the extra time. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of "relaxing".

Can anyone tell me how to relax? Wait---first, if you know what I am feeling, then tell me how I can get from this feeling to a feeling of ease so that I can get to that place where I can relax.

Help!

the world exploded into love....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 03:03:00 +0000

So...today has been so incredibly crazy!

For once, there are too many good things on my plate. Really. For once, I am being pulled in about 3 different directions. I'm scared...daunted...sad..excited...thrilled...about ready to head into the deep end without my SCUBA gear. I need prayers and positive energy.

I really came on here to comment about my Lenten experience. I gave up FB for Lent. What I didn't give up was playing Farmville, and, I didn't give up the Internet. Many of you wondered why there was so much activity on my page...well, Zynga is a separate webpage. I also received any alerts in my yahoo, so, I knew when I got an important email. I was also able to like things from their respective websites...and on and on. I also had to do some administration stuff (changing privacy settings, etc) while off for Lent.

So....what did I get out of it? Well, I know how much I missed hearing about people's lives. I know that I missed out on some good jokes and great video posts. I know I missed a ton of birthdays, weddings, break-ups, special gigs, and even a couple of house parties. I know that FB keeps me socially connected, but it's not the only way for me to have social communication. I think I also realize how incredibly reliant I am on "keeping up with the Joneses". I deleted a couple of people (shut up...I know there are still 900+ people on my list), but I deleted some people that no longer had any real impact on my world. That part felt good. I know now that I don't need to have FB in order to have confidence in my social life, but I sure do like being on it. =)

The whole thing left me with a real heightened sense of self. I felt a kind of beautiful realization that I can do just about anything to which I truly put my mind. At this point...after today, I need to know that. I need to believe in that part of myself.

More later.

self-esteem...how's yours?

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 02:21:00 +0000

So....I was doing some research tonight, and I came across this great website called Support4change.com. There is a ton of great self-help therapy stuff on here.

I found this one article about self-esteem. I sometimes think that I have low self-esteem. I find myself doubting just about every aspect of who I am or what I do...not sure why, but that happens often. So, as I'm reading this article, I find a notable quote that describes someone with healthy self-esteem: "individuals with healthy or high self-esteem characterized by tolerance and respect for others, individuals who accept responsibility for their actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, who are self-motivated, willing to take risks, capable of handling criticism, loving and lovable, seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals, and take command and control of their lives."

After I read this, I started to do a quick, introspective examination. Come to find out, I must have a healthy or high self-esteem because I fit into this description. I am tolerant and respectful of others (even if I don't care so much for them or like them). I have learned how to take responsibility for my actions....that one took a while, but I have always had it in me. I have integrity. That one took me a long, long time to achieve. I still push myself a lot to make sure that I do the right thing even when no one else is around...integrity is one of my most prized possessions. We're skipping the one about accomplishments...I know I have done some good things. Nuff said. I am intensely self-motivated...in fact, I think I am self-motivated to a fault sometimes. I guess I realize that, if I let things go...if I don't make things happen, then my world will fall apart. NOT THE world, but MY world. I love taking risks...as I get older, I have found that I am taking bigger risks and finding myself not so worried about the possible consequences. I say that God will have his way with my life, and I need not worry. Take a risk....it wouldn't be there if there wasn't something to learn from and grow from. I can handle critcism. Sometimes, I really, really like it. It helps me be a better me, which is what I strive to do. Other days, I don't like it much, but I do understand how to take it, and I do understand it may be there for my betterment. Loving and lovable==yes, and yes. Challenges and stimulation of seeking worthwhile goals...yeah. I love having goals...long-term and short-term...and I love succeeding...what I love most, though, is the journey. Command and control of my life...this is the one area that I leave up to God. I have tried so often to try and command/control my own life, and it usually ends up in a really crappy place. I leave the hard stuff up to God, and I feel much better for it.

So...after going through that list, I see that, by definition, I have a healthy self-esteem. So, why is it that I disdain my fat thighs and my perfectionism? Why is it that I beat myself up over any and every stupid mistake I make? Hmmm...guess I need to read more articles on that website.

I'd like to hear others' comments about their self-esteem, especially in regard to that quote there.

Galveston and cliques

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 02:00:00 +0000

So, I just got back from a crazy and wonderfully wild 3 days in the Houston metro area. I went with a couple of the classes from my child's school. We went to Galveston to do a service project and to eat hot dogs on the beach....then back into Houston to Pilgrim Lutheran School for the "camp-in". We hit NASA yesterday, and hit the Health/Science Museum today. It was a FANTASTIC three days. I hung out with and got to know more of the moms in my child's group...really had some good laughs. I was called "Tracy" by two of the fathers, one of which I have "known" since our kids were in Kindergarten together! In the past, I would have been offended....I just laughed at them both, told them my name, and started calling the one dad by a different name. It was funny. I loved the beach, but Galveston is DEFINITELY NO PORT ARANSAS! I love my beach so much. It is the most calming, settling, wonderful place on this earth....I am so glad that I have that beach as my sanctuary, as my "church". Yes, I said my church. The pastor was talking about how close we come to God when we are at His alter partaking of the Lord's Supper. I'll go for that. He said it is THE closest we'll ever be to God in this world, and I have to beg to differ with Pastor Dave on that one. I feel closest to God when I am at MY beach, breathing in the air, feeling the mist of the ocean...I feel closest to God when I am in the waves, feeling them crashing over me...realizing how incredible the world is...how powerful the tides are...how the moon causes the tides...how the water is THE most powerful force in my world. I experience everything that God has made with every single sense in my being at my beach.

Yeah...ok...so, Galveston was nice, but it's not Port A. We drove a lot. I was in my car a lot. I was in other people's cars a lot. We just seemed to drive and drive and drive. Our other pastor, Kevin, drove the bus, and I really felt for the guy...driving around the Houston metro area with a bus full of children (albeit, good, well-behaved children, but children, nonetheless!). He drove the bus like a pro, and I have to wonder if he's had experience driving in Houston because he surprised the heck outta me by driving that HUGE bus in CHT (crazyhoustontraffic) with such ease!

NASA was fun...I hadn't been there in a while, so it was nice to get back there and check stuff out. For the first time, though, I was less interested in the stuff, and more interested in seeing how the kids went about checking stuff out. For the most part, the kids were well-mannered, and I only had to check a kid once for unruly behavior.

I noticed the cliques....I noticed the sadness of those who were definitely on the outside of the "cool kid" groups. Funny thing is, though....most of those cool kids really, REALLY liked the parents of the kids who are not so "cool". A good number of the "cool kids" are really impolite, self-conscious little ruffians that have been allowed to treat others with little or no respect. It's mind-boggling to me that kids are so blinded and even cruel to each other. Then again, it doesn't surprise me. I was one of those kids..the one who didn't have a way into the cool group....I was fairly smart...a know-it-all, obnoxious, the mother-hen type....I was small, and, for the first few years of life, VERY cute, but that doesn't bring a lot of friends. Well, in a very similar way to these kids with whom I worked these last 3 days, I grew up in a school where we were all bussed in from all over town.

I ended up being one of those kids who did not have any real FRIENDS until I was older....I was one of the girls that the guys would "dare" each other to ask to go around...and then I would get the break-up a day later with the message attached that it was a dare, and that the guy would never REALLY wanna go around with me. I was sent nasty notes from guys that I liked that called me names....one in particular that stuff with me was "pig girl" (with drawings included, thank you, Chris Miner)....lots of guys that made fun of me...I was pretty much ostracized from the cool girls---with the exception of the spring after Christmas in 5th grade. My mom bought me some "cool clothes" for Christmas, and the cool girls let me hang out with them a little that year. I actually got invited to two sleepovers that year. That ended the next year, though....made to feel very out-of-place for most of my elementary and middle school life. I did have friends from time to time, but most of them didn't stick around for a long time. I had a close friend, Nelda, in part of fourth and fifth grade. She helped me through a rough time that year. We didn't hang out after that. I also had a couple of friends that I got to know better as I got older, and I like them still. Then, there was marching band, and life became wonderful...I found friends that really got to know me...people that really got to find out what kind of fun, cool, reliable friend I can be.

Point---I see some of the kids who are ostracized from the rest of the "group" in my kiddo's class. In a way, they are all the kids who are a little quirky....but one kid in particular is such a sweet, loving kid, and the parents all comment about that....problem is, though, the other kids don't include him. There are a couple of other kids like him, but this one is a kind, gentle guy. He wants so badly to have friends, but those other kids don't seem to pay much attention to him...and when he tries to fit in, the other kids ignore him or pick on him. Kinda made me sad to see that, especially at a school where there are supposed to be Christian values and Christian kids. I guess, though, my thought is that the kid will eventually find the place into which he fits, and there will be lifelong memories made with lifelong friends. I wish to God that I could tell all of those kids that things will get better.

Anyway...the trip was really a nice break...hopefully, I will be able to go on the next trip for next year. I can't wait! More soon!

roar

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 02:03:00 +0000

So....I'm in one of those moods tonight.

Here's the deal. I am going on a road trip tomorrow. Gonna be a chaparone for a great gaggle of 6th graders. I say gaggle with lots of love and admiration. They are, nonetheless, a gaggle. I am really wanting to make a good impression. I don't want to be the loner mom, nor do I want to be the overbearing, strict mom...and I don't want to be the paranoid, "am I doing this right?" mom.

Crap. Here's my point- I'm getting too darn old to be feeling this way. I have shed most of my convictions about politics and government. I vote, yes, I do. I just vote to make sure that I have a say...basically, it's so I can't complain later about not having had the opportunity for a say. Do I truly pay attention to what is happening with the government? Not really. I have a firm belief that the world in on a course that has already been predetermined, and it will eventually come to a place that no longer lends itself to being ruled by a government that is "for the people, by the people, blah, blah, blah". It's not realistic, and, more importantly, there are so many other things in life that are so much more important.

I am starting to wonder if I have become 1) a cynic or 2) an old lady or 3)a nutty fruitcake. I just don't have any interest in trying to figure out the problems of the world anymore. I want simple things. I want to make the lives of my students a little better...or at least make the life of one student more fulfilling for him/her and his/her family. I would like to raise a kid who understands unconditional love. I would like to find a companion with whom I can be myself--someone with whom I can seek God's will, read books, live all things music, have lots of meaningful conversation and sex, enjoy the silence, and grow very old. I am interested in experiencing what life has to offer, and then conveying my experience to someone else in hopes that he/she can find a possible new take on this world.

I feel really, REALLY in a world of "ugh" at the moment. It's not a bad "ugh", nor is it a good "ugh". I'm just feeling...well, ugh.

Any comments?

BTW---I'm not on facebook until after April 24....if you're seeing this on FB, I won't see the comment about it for another few weeks. AND - i love you people. I love you, and I hope you love yourself.

Let me guide you through the purple rain

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:27:00 +0000

So, I am sitting here, trying to get through some more homework. I need a break.

Spring Break 2011 was spectacular. I stayed up late and slept late for most of the week. I was in Corpus at my mom's with the kiddo. We watched cable...lots of Food Network and Cartoon Network. We went to the beach a couple of times....the water was around 65 degrees....really chilly, but, as always, we got used to it after a while. The second trip out there was intended to be a boat ride and walk on the beach at St. Jo's island....we were 5 minutes late for the SJ Ferry, so we ended up going to the tourist trap shop. We bought some cheap beach towels (thanks, beach towels, for making our white socks, white underpants, and white bras pink!) and a boogie board. Then, we hit the Valero, and bought tasty Slurpees...not sure what they're called now, but they looked like and tasted like slurpees.
On another day, my kiddo and I hit the offshore fishing trip. He was a total pro...walking around on the boat like he'd been doing it for years. The ocean is in his blood. He caught a huge king mackeral...weighed about 9 lbs, and yielded a good 6 pounds of meat. Lovely. He also was able to "drive" the boat..."Captain Jack" for a while on the Scat Cat. The Captain, Capt. Ronnie, was a really super guy. REALLY appreciated his hospitality and instruction.
We also hit the TSAquarium...had a great time there. Went to visit my aunt. Spent the evening with Binns. Had a really nice time hanging out with my mom.

A couple of "different" things that happened over Spring Break--found an incredible way to grill and make the perfect set of coals in a popcorn tin. Went to my grandparents' house and spent some time with one of my aunts...we cleaned out a couple of closets. I enjoyed spending time with my aunt...we don't get to hang out much these days. I did enjoy seeing pictures and reading interesting things that my grandparents kept. I felt completely overwhelmed when I left, though...felt like the loss of them both all over again. Not so hard this time, but it was really, really REAL as I drove off. Then, I got a phone call from a friend about a mutual friend of ours. Joseph....Jones, as I called him, was to have a heart transplant on Thursday morning. Apparently, the heart was rejected by Joseph's body, and he died at the young age of 36. I went to the viewing of the body....all I could do was stand there, cry silent tears, and whisper his name and pleas for him to just wake up over and over. He didn't wake up. He just stayed there...still, silent, spiritless. For some reason, this death hit me pretty hard....I loved Joseph, and he was a very, VERY close friend years ago, but we had only communicated on email for the last few years. I'll miss him.

This week was good....the experience with my grandparents' house and Joseph's death has really made me want to embrace life more. I went for my walk today, and I was smiling for the whole walk. I listened to my mp3 player....Purple Rain came on....Joseph loved Prince. I couldn't stop smiling. I wrote a couple of emails to old friends today. I am feeling this huge pull to LIVE my life more.

I know, I know...there's not much time in my busy day/week/month/semester for MORE living, but I think I want to rearrange what I do on a daily basis to make more time for caring and reaching out to people in my life. Even if that means that I tell just one person that I hope today is a good day for him/her, I would like to breathe more life into my life. I want to live more now than I ever have. I want to live for those who have left my world far too soon....Meghan, Ronnie, David, Michelle, Joseph.

Life is so short...time is so fleeting....I wanna live my life that like every day is the last.

A feeling of accomplishment

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 21:16:00 +0000

So...after weeks and weeks (maybe even months!) of my pleas for repair have fallen on deaf ears, I finally will have a resolve to the problem of faulty phone wiring in my apartment! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Celebrate!

I have gone through many different paths of trying to get this resolved. Called AT&T to come out and fix the problem, but it turned out that AT&T's fixtures and wiring were not the problem. The wiring issue came from inside the building, which is the property of the property owners. I had the AT&T people write that down for the property manager, and they said they would have it fixed. Two weeks go by...nothing...three weeks go by, so I went to the office and demanded that the wires be fixed. The office girl, Ashley, (and yeah, she's got the common sense and the customer service skills of a girl, so that's the title she's garnered!) rolled her eyes at me...not once, but (count em!) THREE times during the conversation. I demanded something be done. She called her babysitter/manager, who told me it was my problem and that I had to make the repairs happen. What an uninformed rube! Well, maybe rube is a bit inaccurate, but I'm not going to start in on the boy's upbringing and apparent lack of successful experience in the customer service world!

I knew it was not my problem...this was in January. In all of my spare time, I went through many channels to get the wiring fixed. I went to AT&T again, only to find out that they were not in charge of fixing the problem. I went to the Better Business Bureau...filed with them, and now the apartment complex has an "F" as their BBB grade. Good times for them. Never got a response there. Talked with two lawyers acquaintances of mine...both told me that I could take them to court. Called the Austin Tenant's Council, and ended up in tears again. They told me to take the guy to court. Finally, called my JP court and got the information on how to take the apartment manager to court. I was in tears again after this call...most of the calls I have made in regard to this situations have ended up with me crying in frustration. I cry sometimes, but never so much as with this issue right here...and all because I want to have the safety of a fucking landline in my apartment. (not crying now, but just so livid that it took so much for me to get this resolved!) So....I thought, ok, there's got to be one more way to solve this. Who owns the property? I had been searching for that for over a month....got in touch with the last known owners, who sold the property in January. I got them to tell me who they sold the property to, but the name was not quite correct. I went to the internet...and then on to the city and county websites....started making all kinds of phone calls...found a cool site with the county clerk's office. Found this guy's name, and, low and behold, I found his business (took me 6 hours to do all this phone-calling and research). Called his office, only to be told that no one could talk with me...took my number, we'll call you back. Gave the number, hung up, and cried again.

Yesterday morning, I prayed that this whole thing would be resolved by the end of Friday. My tears were not wasted....made me feel better. My prayers were not wasted, either. The lady calls me back in about an hour after I left my number (and sent an email with the same message in it!). She heard my story, told me that she would talk with apartment manager boy and his sidekick, leasing agent girl. I got a call a while after that with the best news of 2011----your phone wires will be fixed on Monday. HALLELUJAH!!!!!! Praise God for answered prayers. I walked out of my office yesterday almost walking on air.

Now, I'm not holding my breath, since this could be a really major thing that has to happen. I will be happy to know when things get fixed, and I can have a real phone in this apartment.

I am also going to inform the lady of the property manager giving my mailbox key to another tenant...hopefully, that information will get to the right people, and the key issue will never happen to anyone else at this place. My final issue will be the fact that I may stay here another year. I don't know if there will be any type of "revenge" sought by the management people. I will pray that they both find Jesus and get their lives together. Perhaps they will grow into more experienced, humbled, helpful customer servants. I would not have any issue with this place if the management wasn't so craptastic. =)

Love to the woman at Belco Equities that helped me out. I will definitely be using her services again!

Love, peace and joy in this spring break time of the year. Spring forward, babies!!!

feeling like an.....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 03:09:00 +0000

So, I'm sitting here going back and forth between wallowing in self-deprication and feeling all lonely and sad inside. Let's start with the former....I had a small, but important, issue today with my kid. He went somewhere to do one thing, and then did not return...I had to go and find him. I did not like that, and this was a problem in the past a few times. I got a little miffed...and bit peeved, and I said something to him about it, to which he gave me the attitude and the "it's your fault, not mine" thing that is becoming so prevalent in my world these days. Basically, the end of the conversation (and then end of a wonderful day until that point!) was me taking a long walk around the building we were in, coming back to where he was, and not saying a word to him on the drive home. I ended up talking with him later about leaving the conversation and the situation "undone", and neither one of us really had much to say to each other about it. So, now I'm sitting here thinking that I made another mountain out of a mole hill....I do this often, you see. I know I do it, but I also don't quite see it coming when I'm in the midst of it. I am getting better at catching myself, but it is so totally ingrained that it's almost second-nature to me. I always feel totally craptastic afterward, and, if I'm not careful, I will hang on to it for days....frequently beating myself over the head about how I f***ed up and how that makes me a really bad parent.

Got me to thinking. Maybe all of the tensions in my life are based around my responses and reactions. Are the issues that come up based on my actions/responses/reactions....or are the issues just typical of a mom who is trying her best to parent an independent, head-strong, opinionated young man.....OR is it something else completely?

This is where it gets sticky, though. I have heard that, when a parent reacts to a child, there is going to be further need for the child to get a reaction in the future, and the child will continue to act in attempt to get a reaction. So, if the parent does not react....just kinda floats through life without much reaction, but with response, the kid will be just fine and not be such a reaction seeker. Ok...sounds reasonable, but what happens when the kid begins to do things that really is out of line, inappropriate, or something that is undesireable in that child's family? Do you continue to let them be who they are and RESPOND to what their doing, or do you react to them in a way to give them the idea that he/she is being inappropriate?

Somebody's gonna say, "Well, reaction is emotional, response is rational." Nope, sorry. Not correct. When the child begins to run into the street in front of a car, you grab the kid as your heart pounds, and you are letting out a reaction. Standing by, saying, "Child, please come back here," will do nothing other than get you a dead kid. Reacting, in this case, is the most rational, logical thing to do.

Then comes the thought, "Well, the kid not telling you where he's going is not life-threatening." True...in most cases. That's beside the point. If the child cannot learn to follow instructions, then the child is setting himself or herself up for a life of misery, disappointment and turmoil. Unless you're gonna be some gangsta-rapper-thug type who is somehow rewarded for his rule-breaking ways as a kid because "that's the only life he or she knew", which, in my child's case--HE is not destined to be Eminem, folks!---, will not be the case, the kid needs to know that rules have to be followed.

OR am I really being an a**hole here and making a big case outta nothing?

As for the other part of my state of mind...well, really, I'm not lonely, but I feel like I should be doing something for myself that is social. I went for a walk/run today, and then had some tasty enchiladas and some green tea. I came home, did the laundry, took a long, hot bubble bath after , and read a book in the candlelight of my tiny bathroom. It was the relaxing evening I have had in a long while. I kinda felt like going out and dancing and being social. I guess the time alone was good enough, though. Since I've vented here, I feel much better, and I'm just about ready to get back to my homework.

Perhaps I should start going to therapy again.

I'm Gonna Live My Life....

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 05:18:00 +0000

So....this has been the strangest few days. I have lost an old friend and a cousin in two days...and I celebrated my child's birthday and a wonderful extra day off a few days before that.

It is remarkable to me that life throws me so many ups and downs in such a short time. I think I am finally understanding what people have been telling me for years...what people all around the world have discovered over and over again for centuries. Life is short.

My old friend from high school was actually a school peer from elementary, middle and high school. He was a young man (a year younger than I), and he was a doctor...he was incredibly sweet, kind and funny. He was a tuba player. He had a wonderful wife, and he helped a ton of people in his job as a neuroscience professor. He had kidney cancer, and he held on much longer than his doctors ever anticipated. He was an inspiration for those around him, and I was glad to have good memories of him from being in band with him in high school.

My cousin, Michelle Perkins, passed away suddenly the night before last, and she was on life-support until last night, when my cousin, Robert, decided that, after test results indicated that there was no longer brain activity, life-support was not the way that Michelle wanted to be kept in this world. What I can't quite wrap my head around is the fact that her son will not have a mother to see him grow up. He will be one of those people who will say, "My mother died when I was five." I cannot, for the life of me, understand how that can happen. I cannot understand how quickly life can end...and, the worst part is how quickly it can go with no warning.

I have found myself in a better place as of the last few months. I am happy. I have found some real peace in my life. I have made some changes in my lifestyle that have really, REALLY affected me in a positive way. I have also really started to rely on my faith in God more and more. I have learned how to really seek God's will for my life, and it has really shaped my decision-making. I continue to feel at ease when things occur in my life that are so unexpected. I do not question God about any of it. In fact, I am beginning to find ease in all sorts of places that used to really be bothersome for me.

I have decided that I will live my life in the fullest way I know. I am grateful for each moment that I am able to be alive, be awake and be aware. I am trying to live more in the moment, and I have found that I am starting to think ahead about my words and my actions. I am starting to let go of the bad grudges of the past, but hold on to the hard lessons of the past.

I guess I'm almost all myelinated. =) Or maybe, just maybe, I've finally grown up a little.

ready to run....run...run ....ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnn

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 07:12:00 +0000

So...I went to Kentucky, and I saw APH. It was fantastic. I loved it, and I want to go back for a vacation visit. I enjoyed being next to a big river (reminded me of Austin), but I also enjoyed being in a historic downtown that felt and looked much older than Austin. I was really happy to go on this trip. I met a bunch of cool people in the field of visual impairment. It's so comforting to know that there are a ton of people out there in other parts of the world that totally get what I do every day. There are other people who appreciate my passion for my work, and, in fact, they share that passion. Most of these people are going to be the people with whom I will eventually be making waves in the V.I. world. Very cool to feel such a part of something bigger.

I am feeling quite at ease right now. I've been making some lifestyle changes lately that seem to be causing my brain chemistry to change. I have been walking most days...long walks...3 or 4 or 5 or 6 miles at a time, depending on how much time I have. I am always really happy and proud of myself when I get finished. I also notice that much of the intensity with which I used to function has kinda burned off. I almost feel like I've lost some of my spirit...like a part of me is slowly dying, but, from what I can tell, it's just the end of the major myelination cycle. Maybe not...maybe is stress-induced brain atrophy. Ok...maybe not. Perhaps I just have too much on my mind, and I need to start making lists...and maybe I should get a pocket organizer...and maybe I should start texting on my phone. Maybe I should drink some green tea and eat some macadamia nuts.

I feel a new song or two or ten coming on. I have been putting down new lyrics...I just feel a new wave of my life coming on. It's exciting and daunting all at once. I need to learn how to enjoy the silence...learn how to be comfortable in the peace. Really. I never thought I'd have a hard time learning how to be happily comfortable, but it's going to be quite a difficult journey. Being happy with the peace that's starting to surround me seems like a foreign concept. It's kinda like when one quits smoking...what do you do with all that spare time that used to be spent going outside and smoking for 5 to 10 minutes? Or like someone who has lost a bunch of weight and changed their life habits...what does one do now that one is not stuffing themselves silly with food and then landing on the couch for a new attempt at the best couch potato world record? I am lost, and I'm trying to figure out how to feel safe, secure and ok in all this peace.

I think the thing is this: I am such a control freak, and it's so hard for me to stop thinking about all of the things that I have to control. Now that things seem to be flowing in positive ways, I am finding the need to be vigilant, yet there's nothing over which I need to be vigilant...there's no need for me to try and control things. Things are under control...most of the ducks are in a row, and the ones that aren't are supposed to be somewhere else.

Any thoughts about learning to be ok with peace?

And, for an added bonus...I'm so glad that Robert Plant and Allison Kraus recorded this song:
Somebody said they saw me swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud...killing the blues.

2010, Shannon's Year in Review

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 18:59:00 +0000

So....what a crazy, crazy year. I have never had such turmoil, stress, happiness and excitement all in one year. Wait...that's not completely true...1998 was such a year, as well, but 2010 tops them all.

For starters, there are a few things that happened this year that are not necessarily appropriate for this blog...I know, I know. This blog used to be the true vessel of my cathartic releases, but I was asked by a couple of people to make sure that any occurrences in which they were involved were left out of my discussion. SO....that will take away a few things that have made my world turn upside down and rightside up again this year. That being said, here goes 2010, the year that was.

I began the year with a lovely New Year's celebration at the house...burning smoke bombs and huge sparklers. It was a wonderful, fun time, and it was the first official time that I met my cousin, Bryan's, new girlfriend, Rebecca (not donna! teehee!). Never knew how important she'd become in his life, and I am happy to welcome her to our family.

January, February and March brought my son's 11th birthday, my Webelos IIs' crossover ceremony, my son's move into Boy Scouts, my 8th anniversary with Hank, my acceptance into the doctoral program at Texas Tech, and another amazing Spring Break trip.

My son and I took a trip to New Mexico, this time with skiing and snowboarding in mind. We ended up at our favorite inn up in the Lincoln National Forest, and we hit the slopes of beautiful Cloudcroft. Snowboarding was not so fun or successful, but once we strapped on the skis, off we both went! The mountain was kind to us, and we both walked away with a greater love for all things snow! We also visited White Sands and the White Sands Missile Complex...was so much fun and interesting and beautiful. The most interesting part was being up in the snow, and then, no more than thirty minutes later, we are in the desert-like white sands outside of Alamogordo, NM. Fantastic trip. Loved it!

April, May, and June just about brought me to my knees. I was under quite a bit of pressure to complete my classwork and final research paper for my Master's degree. My son successfully completed fifth grade, and I, somehow, completed my coursework. I had applied for a major fellowship that would have paid for my college tuition plus all living expenses for 4 years if I had been accepted as a recipient. The one stipulation that came with that fellowship was that I was going to have to move to Lubbock. I had to pray about guidance on that one for weeks on end. And, as I assume God planned for me, I did not receive that fellowship, which crushed me, but gave me a clear sense of purpose. So, I applied for other monies, and I received a huge, phat fellowship that has completely paid for my tuition. This fellowship requires that I am a full-time student, which means less time at work, which means less money. I decided to bite the bullet and become a full-time doctoral student and a half-time teacher.

All of this was very, VERY daunting for me. I've always been a risk-taker and a rebel, so it felt normal and natural to take the risk, but jumping out there without a net came harder than it ever had before. I think that means I'm growing up a little, maybe. =)

So, at the beginning of June, I'm writing my final research paper, and the night before it was due, I got a call from my sister...we had not been in contact with each other for a long while due to some family issues between my father and myself. It was good to talk with her...but, this phone call brought sadness and sorrow. Her blood brother (my step-brother)had been sick in the hospital for a short while, and he passed away on the night before my paper was due. I cried...I got mad...and then I wrote the hell out of that paper for my brother's sake. He and I had started communicating more right before he got sick, and the last thing I ever said to him was that I missed him and I loved him. Finally, I was able to say goodbye to someone I really love before they had to go away. I knew that he knew it...made me feel better about life and loss. The memorial celebration was great, and it brought me back in touch with my family. I will miss Ronbon so much.

July and August brought with it some better times. I turned 35 years old, and I graduated from Texas Tech University with a master's degree...I made straight A's the whole way through...4.0 gpa. Felt good, and I allowed myself to enjoy for a brief moment. My son became a middle-schooler, and the whole "life as a parent of a middle-schooler" began. Scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I also started classes for the doctoral program. I also went half-time at work, and I had a great end to my summer with a fun trip to Dallas with my son! I also decided to move into Austin instead of commuting every day...boy, what a life-changer!

September and October were rocky. I went on a couple of camping trips with the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts...lots of fun and excitement. I found a new interest in geocaching and orienteering. I love using a map and compass. I also learned that my father and step-mother were selling their business in Corpus, and they were leaving for a new start in Houston. There were some other complications with that whole thing, and those situations gave me such a start that I basically was able to give up the anger and pain of the past in an attempt to be supportive of my dad in the present. My therapist said that I finally got the "kick in the rear" that I needed to help me move on from past hurts. Felt good to know that I can do that, and now I can do that with other things. Takes time, but I now know there's a way to do it.

Hank lost his job during this same time, and, after a great amount of time trying to find a job, he left to go back to Connecticut. It has been hard on all of us, but God has always led us in the right direction. Same thing applies now.

Also during this time, I had to write a paper and give a presentation as the last step in my doctoral program application process. I did well on the paper, and I did well on the presentation. The powers that be allowed me to stay in the program. Yippee! Now, just 3 more years, the Ed.D. will be done, and I'll be Dr. Shannon.

November and December brought more changes...Hank left, and I finally had the chance for a little break. As I was walking out the door to go on vacation, I received a phone call from my aunt, announcing that my grandpa Tim had passed away on the day before Thanksgiving. He had a long life, and I will miss him very much. The only good part about the whole thing was that Grandpa had good timing.

The end of the semester was crazy, but I made it through my first semester of doctoral school. I made 3 A's...not too bad, I guess. I can't wait until this whole thing is done, and I can get a nice, new job with a big paycheck. Winning the lottery would be a nice gift, as well.

The week before Christmas was fantastic! School and work were over for the semester...no major worries about deadlines and work to do. My son and I went fishing and caught puffer fish. We played paintball and came home with some crazy wounds. We watched a Christmas movie every night for a week. It was wonderful! I had a fabulous time with my mom, my step-dad and my son. Happy, happy way to end the year.

Tonight is the final night of 2010. I will have a hard time looking back on this year with more joy than pain, but it will always be the pivotal year in my life. I am no longer a kid in more ways than age. I have learned that loving people for who they are RIGHT NOW is better and easier than holding onto the crap from the past. I have learned that letting things go can be really, really painful, but it will all be for the better in the future after the pain fades away. I have learned how to love me for who I am just a little more than I did last year and the years before that.

For the new year--I would like to finish this first year in the doc successfully. I would like to be a better guide and parent for my boy. I would like to be more involved with my dad, and I would like to tell that I need him...and that I want him to know his grandson. I would like to learn how to take better care of myself physically. I would like to be less stressed and less worried. I would like to love and be loved more and more every day of this new year.

Happy New Year, y'all! Welcome, 2011!

Advent - Week 3

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 05:49:00 +0000

So...this is the end of the third week of Advent. This week, we celebrate love. That is, we celebrate Christ, the love that He is, and the love of the Father that is sent to us constantly.

I am still on my quest for finding out what love is. I have a good idea about what a few types of love can feel....I know what unconditional love for others is like. I know what forgiving love is all about. I know about love for a friend...or a bunch of them, for that matter. BUT---I still have not quite figured out how love can be all that it is---patient, kind, forgiving--and what it is not---not jealous, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered....it does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love protects, trusts, hopes, and endures. Love never fails.

Well....I'm still contemplating all that is love. I will go on and say some of the things that I love in this life. I love Jesus, His story, and His sacrifice. I love my child more than anyone or anything else in this world. I love my mom, and I love my dad. I love the air I breathe...the water I drink...the food I eat. I love being in love. I love being loved. I love words, music, art, and all of the expressions of talent and ability in this world. I love those who have and those who have not. I love to give, and I love having faith in things that remain unseen.

What do you love?

Second week of Advent

noreply@blogger.com (Shandar7) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 05:25:00 +0000

So...this is the end of the second week of Advent....two more weeks to go until we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. During this second week, I have been concentrating on the meaning of the second candle of Advent. Some refer to the second candle as the representative of preparation...others refer to the second candle as the representative of peace.

So, instead of choosing one or the other, I'm going to choose both. As a representative of preparation, I am trying to prepare for the celebration of my eternal savior by doing an Advent celebration with my child or by myself every day. I have thought of gifts and even purchased as few to give to my family in honor of the gifts given by the Maggi to Jesus and his family when they arrived to view Him. I am preparing cards in order to greet and remind my friends and family of the reason for this season. I am also trying to prepare my mind, body and soul for the promises and great opportunities of the new year.

As a representative of peace, I am trying to remember that all people in this world are fighting battles of their own. I am trying to relax and realize that I am not the "be-all, end-all" to any situation, and that I can only love and support those who need it most...those who decide to walk through my world and strike some chord of imbalance between us. I am also trying to reach out to those with whom I have experienced discord in the past. More succinctly, I am trying to be a vessal of peace during this week and through the next chapter of my life.

How are you being a representative of preparation and of peace right now in your life?