The Bolingbrook Babbler

Bolingbrook concludes “Bane Drills” this weekend

2012-05-27T09:32:00.001-07:00

Officials say they are ready for a "Bane" attack

A mix of fear and rage fills the air as nearly a thousand mercenaries lay siege to Bolingbrook’s Town Center. Dozens of police snipers on the roof seem to be all that is holding the army back.

Five snipers are aimed at one man. A muscular man wearing a shepherd's coat and a large metallic mask covering his mouth and nose. He’s standing on the wreck of a Jaguar. The mask apparently amplifies the man’s mumbling voice. The snipers fail to hid their confusion as the man tries to lecture them. The officers don’t flinch as he tears up a photo of The Bolingbrook Golf Club. The man pulls out a pink sheet of paper, and reads from it in a muffled voice. A few officers chuckle at the reading. The man growls and rips the paper to tiny shreds.

After several long tense minutes, the man’s voice suddenly becomes understandable.

“This will be the new mayor of Bolingbrook after I turn Town Center to ashes!”

A woman, wearing a business suit, walks towards the damaged car, holding a megaphone. When she reaches the car, she starts to lift it towards her face.

“Now!” One of the officers shouts.

A sniper hits the woman’s leg, and she crumples to concrete ground.

The mercenaries fire indiscriminately at the roof, while the snipers clear a path behind the man, who has now jumped off the jaguar.

A Bolingbrook police car, which was hiding behind the library, races into the clearing. Before the lumbering man can move, the car slams into him, pushing him through the underpass, and finally landing in the pond. Two officers jump out of the car and empty their revolvers into the man.

“You have the right to remain silent!” Yelled one of the officers.

Cut off from their leaders by the snipers, the mercenaries scatter into the subdivision.

Patrol officers emerge from Town Center and read the “mayor” her rights.

“It’s not my fault.” Protests the woman. “It’s Roger’s fault. He made people so mad that they did this. It’s Roger’s fault, not mine!”

A whistle blows, causing everyone to stop and lower their paint guns.

Mayor Roger Claar and uniformed Homeland Security personnel emerge from the library. They walk towards village hall.

“That was very well executed plan.” Said one of the officials. “You know it would have been easier to shoot him before he started speaking.”

“We thought he was just like the real Bane.” An officer replies over a megaphone. “This guy might have gotten his hands on some super-steroid and wouldn’t have been affected by our bullets. We just had to be sure.”

“We’ll talk!” Said the official.

When the men reached the jaguar, Claar picked up on one of the pink pieces of paper and turned to one of the officials.

“Who thought this would be funny?” Yelled Claar.

This Memorial Day weekend, Bolingbrook police and government officials are conducting a series of “Bane Drills” in anticipation of the release of The Dark Knight Rises. In this weekend’s scenario, a member of Bolingbrook’s opposition overdoses on steroids then hires protestors from Montreal to help him take over Bolingbrook.

“These exercises send an important message.” Claar told The Babbler. “If anyone thinks taking over Bolingbrook is just as easy as taking over Gotham City, you’re dead wrong. We’re ready to take on any Bane copycats out there!”

Kerry Rifler, a spokesperson for The Department of Homeland Security, defended the drills against charges that the circumstances are unlikely.

“Eleven years ago, it would have been impossible to imagine Canada becoming a conservative haven.” Said Rifler. “If Harper can become prime minister, then it is not impossible to imagine Canadian mercenaries invading Bolingbrook with the help of a disgruntled steroid user!”

Village officials stressed that the drills will not affect residents’ Memorial Day plans, but added that some residents could be “tested.”

Julie X. Hofferman, an employee at Barns and Noble, said Mayor Claar tested her on Friday.

“He came up to the counter, and said, ‘This is an emergency! Give me all of your comic books.’ Whom am I to question the Mayor? So I ran over to the comic book rack and started pulling books.”

Roger, according to Hofferman, told her to stop.

“He said I passed a test, and gave me a gift certificate for the Bolingbrook Golf Club. I didn’t know what to do with it, but thanked him anyway. Maybe I’ll have it framed or something.”

When The Babbler tried to reach the Canadian Consulate in Chicago, an official said they were involved in secret negotiations with the protestors, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background a man said, “You should please stop protesting. You’re making Canada look bad, and an 80% tuition increase isn’t so bad. We’re just trying to prevent the children of hosers from invading our universities. You can appreciate that, eh?

A younger man replied, “Take off! You’re trying to destroy the middle class by taking away our university eductions. So I’m sorry to say that we’re going to have to tell your 1% friends and you to go (Expletive deleted) yourselves. Eh?”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics and atheists struggle to stop harassing women

Claar to honor fallen heroes of the Bolingbrook Time War

Ticked off Ted retires after 47 years writing for The Babbler

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/1/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

‘Mun’ convention draws controversy in Chicago

2012-05-20T13:43:00.002-07:00

Should feminist men call themselves “mun” instead? In Chicago, a convention of so-called “mun” presented their argument against “men.”

“For centuries, men have perpetuated sexism against women.” Exclaim Sean Fairmore, president of the Society of Mun. “We have contributed to this oppression for too long by calling ourselves ‘men.’ I, I mean we, say that it is time to join our fellow ‘womyn’ and renounce ‘manhood!’ If you are male, you don’t have to be a man. Educate yourself and become a ‘mun!’”

At the convention, 200 males and some female partners attended speeches and workshops on how to become a “mun” or improve one’s “mun” status. According to the speakers, a mun is a male who rejects the “privilege” bestowed upon him by society. By rejecting this privilege and working towards gender equality, a man can become a “mun.”

“Male privilege is kind of like original sin.” Said Mark X. Anderson, a blogger who hopes to start a “Mun’s Movement.” “It is so engrained into you that you can’t just decide to stop being privileged. You have work hard to educate yourself and let other ‘mun’ educate you. Sure you will feel guilty at times, and need someone to relieve you of that guilt. But in the end you will be the perfect feminist male, incapable of oppressing womyn!”

Members of the Chicagoans for Male Empowerment staged a protest outside the hotel.

“These people are the worst!” Said a man who asked to be identified as Mike. “Women just want our jobs, our sperm, and our money. These guys want to take away our manhood. I am a man, and I will not be pushed around by a bunch of momma’s boys!”

About 10 “mun” confronted the protestors by chanting, “We’re not men, we are mun!” After three minutes, the protest ended with a “mun” punching a Men’s Right Advocate.

“Sure it was wrong.” Said “mun” who asked not to be identified. “But he said I was weak because I called myself a ‘mun.’ That made me mad. I shouldn’t have hit him. So I guess I’ll need to educate myself more.”

Hotel security called the police. When asked if the violence was related to the NATO summit, security said no. The Chicago Police Department allegedly asked security to write down the names of everyone involved, and they would send an officer in two to four days. Security instead decided to ask the protesters to leave, and gave a warning to the convention organizers. The MRA promised that they would blog about the incident, and “we won’t hold back.”

Other “mun” frequented a row of booths where they could try to atone for their “male privilege.” Most involved making donations to groups like Planned Parenthood or community blogs like Skepchick.

One particular section offered an “Internet based treatment” for “male privilege.”

Explained Social Worker Peter Z. Grim, “I direct attendees to our laptops and ask them to start reading Skepchick. This site provides a human face to feminism. Over time, they will see men attacking the Skepchicks. This should anger the male reader. Then I direct them to the Man Boobz bog where they laugh at the misogynists. When they’re ready to start to look at their own sexism, I’ll direct them to The Good Men Project. Then I take it to the next level and have them read the More than Men blog!”

A man sitting at one of the “Grim Tables” recoiled in horror from the laptop, revealing the More Than Men blog on the screen. He jumped into the isles and started screaming.

“I hate my male privilege!” Cried the man. After looking around, he found and grabbed a plastic food tray. He then fell to the ground, spread his legs, and started hitting his groin with the tray. Two of Grim’s associates rushed toward the man.

“Some people aren’t ready for the next level.” Said Grim.

As for the rest of the convention, Fairmore conceded that there needed to be more speakers, and promised to correct the lack of female speakers.

“We shouldn’t have held this conference so close to the Women in Secularism conference. We are, however, inviting more female speakers to next year’s conference.”

A smiling man walked into this room. “I just invited two very good speakers!” He beamed.

“Who?” Asked Fairmore.

“Miranda Celeste Hale! She teaches rhetoric, loves poetry, and will be on a panel at TAM!” Said the man.

“You mean the blogger who doesn’t believe in male privilege?”

The man stuttered.

“Who is the other person?” Asked Fairmore.

“Ashley F. Miller!”

“You mean Ashley Paramore.”

“No!” Beamed the man. “Ashley F. Miller! She’s a blogger.”

“Never heard of her.”

“She’s a blogger, filmmaker, feminist, and she presented a great paper at TAM last year.”

“Was she invited back as a featured speaker?”

“Um, no.” After a long uncomfortable pause, the man added, “She also plays a mean ukulele!”

After a few seconds, the man’s smile withered against Fairmore’s glare.

The man said, “I was just thinking--”

“No!” Said Fairmore. “You weren’t thinking! You know what part of your anatomy you were using!”

The man bowed his head. “What blog should I read to atone for my manliness?”

Fairmore smiled. “There is no need for such pain.” He then handed the man a cat o’ nine tails. “This will be much less painful.”

When reached for comment, a Planned Parenthood spokesperson doubted the existence of “mun” and hung up.

PZ Myers, a renowned feminist male, laughed at the so-called “mun.”

“You don’t have to give up being a man to be a feminist. Just listen to what other women have to say, and help them have the same opportunities as men do. It is not a zero sum game. It is just common sense. Now please excuse me as I have to do my part to stamp out religion!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Police defeat anarchist zombie uprising

Dancing Nurses video goes viral across the Milky Way

Weredeer cancel protest of Taste of Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/25/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Record number of Extraterrestrials expected at Taste of Bolingbrook

2012-05-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

By Reporter X

Organizers expect a record number of extraterrestrials at this weekend’s Taste of Bolingbrook.

“I’ve heard that Clow is running out of disguises.” Said Mary, who asked that we not use her last name. “Combine this with the human visitors, and this could be a huge event.”

Organizers believe the increase is due to participating restaurants serving exclusive meals for extraterrestrials. For the first time, aliens can go to any booth, flash a secret hand sign, and get a choice of dishes catered to their biology.

“Bolingbrook has great restaurants.” Said a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce. “However, human food is poisonous to some of our visitors. We want to attract these visitors by serving special dishes. Then they can dine along with the human visitors!”

Qudupo, an alien from Alpha Centauri, says this is why he is attending.

“I can’t wait to try the gravel salad!”

Others say they are going because Chicago is off limits due to the NATO summit that weekend.

“Sure, I like a good riot as much as any purple blooded being.” Said GU Ko of the Komet Empire. “I also like eating good food and not having to worry about getting blasted with sonic cannons. I’ll stay in Bolingbrook this weekend and be safe from your warring mathematicians! Just what is the big deal about 99 percent?”

Taste of Bolingbrook runs on Saturday, from Noon to 10 PM and Sunday from Noon to 8 PM. It will take place behind the Town Center at 375 W. Briarcliff Road. Admission is free, and includes a family area, as well as live music.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Secular Coalition for America denies offering donations to Mayor Claar’s campaign fund

2012-05-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

Despite persistent tips for anonymous sources, The Secular Coalition for America denies it tried to donate $2 million dollars to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger who?” Said Maggie Milton, an intern for the coalition. “Even if we knew him, we don’t have that kind of money to donate. Yet.”

Still, the sources claim that the SCA wants to reward Claar for initially requiring Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church to get a special building permit before moving into a shopping mall. The church, in a lawsuit filed against the village, claims that Claar told them “Bolingbrook had enough churches.” It also claims he said he would consider providing them with the permit, if, in return, they would leave Bolingbrook after two years. Charges that Claar has publicly denied.

A source with connections in the SCA said Claar’s actions drew their attention.

“Most politicians would just give in to the church, but not Roger!” Said the source. “We had to help him out.”

According to the source, the SCA offered to donate $500,000 to him. Claar, says the source, sent a polite letter declining the donation. The SCA, not taking no for an answer, upped the donation to $2 million.

“We told him that this was four times the amount of his current campaign fund.” Said the source. “It would only be rational to accept the donation.”

Claar, according to the source, sent another letter declining the donation again, stating that it would cost him his political career.

“If I accept your donation, no one would vote for me. That means I would have to shutdown my campaign committee. I’ll have you know that my campaign fund puts thousands of dollars into the local economy each quarter! Bartenders and waitstaff will lose their jobs if my campaign fund goes under! Let’s not forget all the local organizations that count on my donations for support! Is it rational to destroy their budgets?”

The source then said they offered to change the name of their new award from the Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award,” to the “Roger Claar and Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award.” This, according to the source, provoked an angry e-mail from Claar.

“Don’t believe the rumors! I am a God Fearing Christian, but even God isn’t immune from Bolingbrook zoning laws!”

To appease Claar, the SCA announced that they had hired Edwina Rogers to be their new Executive Director.

“We thought Roger was confusing us with a liberal organization.” Said the source. “So we hired a former Bush administration advisor. Sure it ticked off atheist bloggers like Greta Christina, and we haven’t heard back from Roger. Still, if Roger succeeds in reducing the number of churches in Bolingbrook it will be worth it. Then we’ll have a model to use to reduce the number of churches in this country!”

When The Babbler tried to reach Rogers, her spokesperson said she was involved “in a mutual teaching session with leaders of the secular movement.”

In the background, a woman said, “I don’t know Bill Donohue, but I do know that he has ties to an organization that has protected pedophile members, and may be trying to force women to breed new victims. This goes against the values of the majority of secular, pro-choice Republicans.”

A man in the background says, “I think you should shorten it to ‘the majority of Republicans.’”

“Good point.” Said the woman. “I should throw a ‘Democrat Party’ in there as well.”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist denied he had any contact with the SCA, and was in the middle of sensitive talks with Liberty church members.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “My turn! What part of ‘render unto Caesar’ don’t you understand?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago to be covered by glass dome during NATO Summit

Boughton RD cleared of giant moles

Clow UFO Base to allow third sex marriages

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sources: Ron Paul to hijack Electoral College

2012-05-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

Losing the popular vote and the Republican nomination may not stop Rep. Ron Paul from becoming President.

Sources with friends with relatives with connections to the Paul campaign say if their efforts to win over delegates before the convention fail, they will try to convert electors in the Electoral College instead. While the sources are confident Paul can win the nomination, they also have confident in case they have to use “Plan D.”

“It’s not about winning millions of votes.” Said John, who asked not to be identified. “It’s about convincing 270 electors that Ron Paul is the best man for the job.”

According to the sources, the Paul campaign will support the Mitt Romney in the general election to secure as many Republican electors as possible. Behind the scenes, the campaign will point out Romney’s flaws to the electors and remind them that they don’t have to vote for Romney.

While some states punish “faithless” electors, the sources argue the Republican electors technically wouldn’t be faithless.

“The people voted for a Republican President.” Said Will, another source who asked not to be named. “We don’t have faith that Mitt will govern as a Republican. So casting a vote for Mitt would technically be a faithless vote. Now with Ron Paul, you can have faith that he will be a traditional Republican. So really, if the electors don’t want to violate their state’s laws, they have to vote for Paul.”

John added that if Paul needed “democrat” electors to win the election, those electors still wouldn’t be considered “faithless.”

“Who knows what the Democrat party stands for and who they really want? There’s no way a court could convict a democrat elector of being faithless. How can you be faithful to a faithless party?”

If Paul loses the Electoral College, even that might not prevent a Paul Presidency.

“We have plans all the way up to Z!” Said Will. “We are going to pull this country back to the founding principles of liberty, and if we have to bypass the popular vote, we will!”

A local Republican official doesn’t take the threat seriously.

“Ron is just trying to get his son on the Romney ticket.” Said the source. “That is not going to happen. I will be Vice-president before Rand Paul is. And don’t use my name if you’re going to quote me!”

When reached for comment, Paul said, “I read your paper all the time. You guys really need to focus less on aliens, and more on the NAFTA Superhighway! Heck, maybe you can say that aliens forced the US off the gold standard. Oh, and let me give a shout out to my favorite Iowa supporter, Angie, before I hang up.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook holds strong against Soviet cooling ray attack

Village allocates zero funds for remote viewing

No Super-moon injuries reported in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Aliens outraged over NATO Summit landing and abduction restrictions

2012-04-29T11:06:00.001-07:00

A NWO Representative explains the
NATO Summit restrictions to Clow's alien visitors

By Reporter X

The New World Order announced restrictions for the Chicago NATO Summit outraged a town hall style gathering at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

The crowd of extraterrestrials booed, as New World Order Liaison Jeff Wagg announced that all UFO traffic would be directed over “The Lisle Square” and a ban on abductions on May 20 and May 21.

“How can your government expect us to ignore Abduction Day?” Screamed one participant?

In some extraterrestrial cultures, Abduction Day is a celebration of the first legal human abduction. To these cultures, it celebrates a spiritual bond between humanity and the interstellar hive mind. This year, Abduction Day falls on May 20.

Wagg, a former James Randi Educational Foundation fellow, firmly defended the ban. “The Treaty of Madison clearly states that that securing our world’s leaders takes precedent over any interstellar religious holiday!”

Wagg then explained that while high ranking human leaders are already exempt for abduction, the possibility of an international incident is too great.

“Let’s say you abduct a woman at a hotel. She doesn’t have any markings. Fine. Then it turns out that she was an ‘unregistered’ niece of a general. Now we have an interstellar incident on our hand that could threaten our alliance. The New World Order has invested too much in bribes, blackmail, the Internet and clones to preserve this alliance. We will take any chances.”

Wagg then added that aliens were welcome to abduct residents in Oswego and DeKalb. Some aliens protested the suggestion.

“DeKalb is rural, and we have too many rural samples as is.” Said one alien, who added, “The last time I abducted someone from Oswego, he just kept talking about Jesus and cheap milk. My crew made me swear never to go there again!”

“Chicago has high quality subjects!” Added another alien. “Denying us Chicago residents is like denying humans fine turkey for Christmas.”

Countered Wagg, “There is nothing wrong with celebrating Abduction Day before or after the summit. Those fine Chicago residents will still be there.”

When pressed about diverting all UFO traffic over “The Lisle Square,” Wagg denied that a disproportionate number of UFOs crash over the area.

“If you look at the numbers, Lisle has same rate of crashes as any other suburban location. This is a case of selective memory. Most people forget about the crashes in Skokie, but they remember the crashes in Lisle. It’s kind of like how the Bermuda Triangle Legend started on Earth.”

An unidentified Clow Official added that that the original security lane would have required craft to fly over Naperville. Naperville protested, according to the source.

“You know the drill. ‘We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold.’ They felt that the increased traffic would damage their quality of life. Lisle, on the other hand, welcomed the traffic. So we really didn’t have a choice.”

Wagg concluded that the New World Order had the necessary personnel and craft to enforce the no-fly zones for the summit.

JenKuf, a trader from Glise, expressed disbelief.

“Your United States is too obsessed with security. First they brought the TSA in here, and now this. I just hope when the TSA goes after buses, humanity finally will come to its senses!”

When asked to comment, the receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy. In the background, a man who sounded like Claar was talking on the phone.

“As much as I would like to help a blind singer, her performance fee is greater than our entire entertainment budget.” Said the man. After a short pause, he replied, “Then why is she always singing about cataracts?”

Also in The Babbler:

Surly Amy: My necklaces do not contained ground boy bones!

Albino Bigfoot spotted in Bolingbrook

Ghosts barred from NATO Summit

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/2/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sources: Chicago to replace mental health clinics with homeopathy clinics

2012-04-22T09:40:00.002-07:00

Sources with friends of relatives connected to the City of Chicago, say the city will replace closed mental health clinics with homeopathic clinics.

The alleged deal, say the sources, is designed to divide the Occupy Chicago movement, and end their protests against the closing of six mental health clinics.

“We’re sure that some of the occupiers use homeopathy.” Said one of the sources. “So if we offer them reduced priced homeopathic clinics, they’ll support us, and that will gum up their general assemblies! It’s genius!”

In an e-mail obtained by The Babbler, Mayor Rahm Emanuel approved the offer.

“You mean to (expletive deleted) tell me that we can take one pill from our stock, drop it in the middle of Lake Michigan, then take a dropper of lake water, put it in a jar, shake it a certain way, dip sugar pills into it, then sell it as medicine? Even if we just asked the patients to only pay for the water, we’d make a (expletive deleted) fortune. Why didn’t (expletive deleted) Daley do this?”

Another source dismissed concerns about the effectiveness of homeopathy.

"We have to face up to the new realities of health care. The job creators and their public servants will get full treatment. The rest will get alternative treatments, and they will enjoy those cheaper treatments! It's a matter of priorities. We have to get taxes down!"

The Chicago Society of Homeopaths denounced the planned new clinics.

“It’s government!” Said Jane P. Loughton. “The government can’t do anything right! Their clinics will botch their remedies, and make all homeopaths look bad! You should only get your homeopathic remedies from a local practitioner, or from a drug store! Do you trust the government to understand quantum physics and natural remedies? Except for The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, of course!"

When asked to comment, Raham replied, “Leave me the (expletive deleted) alone or I’ll ‘accidentally’ have your publication listed as an organization sympathetic to the terrorists! Good luck trying to make it through the NATO Summit!”

At the deadline, Occupy Chicago had not reached a consensus about how to reply to this article.

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies saying God should pay local taxes

Bolingbrook holds strong against Soviet cool attack

Dowsers offer services for NATO Summit

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Phil Plait promotes new ‘Bad Universe’ series at Clow UFO Base

2012-04-15T09:17:00.001-07:00

The Bad Astronomer learns why it is a bad idea to walk on Mars without a spacesuit.

By Reporter X

Canceled by the Discovery Channel almost two years ago, Bad Universe will be revived by an interstellar TV network. Bad Astronomer Phil Plait proudly announced the renewal at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“This time we got it right!” Exclaimed Plait. “We’ve filmed more than three episodes, we’ve secured a regular slot for the programs, we’ve kept the science and added more explosions! The galaxy will soon know the words, ‘Holy Haleakala!’”

Vios23, programing cyborg for the Interstellar Exchange Network, explained that the network revived the show to compete against Mythbusters reruns on the competing Galactic Broadcasting Company.

“Mythbusters is a great show, and we all love the team members.” Said Vios23. “Still, the program boils down to stupid human tricks with explosives. We wanted to make a program that is more in tune with the scientific knowledge of the galactic community.”

Vios23 said that Plait’s old show was the perfect vehicle for a revival.

“Phil’s show was much too grand for Earth’s primitive networks, and the poor production values rendered it to the ash heap of other CGI astronomy programs. Phil needed a production company that could allow him to film on location across the galaxy and see explosions much grander than the firecrackers on his old program.”

The producers then showed scenes from the new series. In the first clip, Plait is looking out a shielded window at a star.

“Holy Haleakala!” Exclaimed Plait. “It’s Betelgeuse from several billions kilometers away! It’s huge. To put it in prospective, Betelgeuse is about the size of Jupiter’s orbit around Sol. I’m amazed to look at it so close. Look! Those two bubbles of gas rising from the surface. They’re about the size of the Earth’s orbit, but they look so small from out here. It’s amazing. What are the words I’m looking for? Oh yeah. Holy Haleakala!”

In the next scene, Plait watches a space war game.

“In this scenario, the defenders have to stop a space fleet from bombarding their home planet with asteroids. As I’ve always said asteroids were the most efficient way to bomb a planet, and this is proof that I was right.”

Several ships explode during the clip.

“On Earth, we’re used to seeing bullet like lasers and fiery explosions in our science fiction movies. Real life space battles, as you can see aren’t like that. The visible laser beams are only used for tracking. The main laser uses frequencies that aren’t visible to the human eye. Since there’s no air in space, we don’t get fireballs, just flying debris. Still fascinating to watch though.”

Later in the scene, one of the ships “accidentally” tries to target Plait’s ship. Plait’s ship then initiates a high speed maneuver to avoid the craft. Plait falls into an absorption wall.

“The inertial dampeners must not be working!” Exclaims Plait. As he sinks into the foam wall, he cries, “Holy Haleakala! I’m experiencing 10G acceleration. I now weigh 10 times more than my normal Earth weight. I can barely breath!”

After the craft decelerates, Plait says, “Do you want to know how powerful 10Gs is? I threw up, but it went out the wrong hole! Holy Haleakala! I need a new uniform!”

At the end of each episode, the producers will interview Plait, after erasing his memories about aliens and the show, and listen to him debunk UFOs.

“We’re going to film those scenes after I finish the media tour.” Said Plait. “I’ve been allowed to keep my memories of aliens since I was the president of the JREF. I’ve learned a lot, but, to be honest, I didn’t like having to lie to people about UFOs on Earth. It will be great to be relieved of that burden.” He did add that all the UFOs he’s mentioned on his blog were either hoaxes, or had natural explanations.

Vios23 said that while the show has changed, its goal still remains the same.

“We will teach the children of the galaxy good astronomy through entertainment and explosions!”

Plait added that if the show is renewed, he hopes Pamela Gay is hired as a cohost. Vios23 said it was a possibility.

“After seeing her tell Neil deDrasse Tyson to shut up at TAM 9, we knew there was a place for her on our network.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook prepares for Soviet weather attacks

Witnesses: George Smith can walk on water!

Source: Mental health clinics to be replaced with homeopathic clinics

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Interstellar Court refuses to take George Smith case.

2012-04-08T09:20:00.001-07:00

By Reporter X

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit refused to hear a petition filed on behalf of George D. Smith, 65, of Bolingbrook.

“Once again,” Wrote Judge Kilos Surgon, “This court cannot take Earth cases unless they have a clear connection to interstellar law. Saying the petitioner might have transported freight indirectly derived from covert agreements with the New World Order does not mean his covered under the Interstellar Transporter Treaty of 35,001 GCE.”

Smith is charged with felony attempted child abduction, and is currently in jail pending payment of a $100,000 bond. Smith allegedly attempted to lure an 11 year old girl into his truck on 2/17/12. He was initially charged with disorderly conduct and released on bond. On April 4, the charge was dismissed at the request of the Will County State’s Attorney’s Office. On April 5, Smith was arrested on the felony charge.

Supporters of Smith suspect that the charges were filed because he is member of The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, and has spoken at village board meetings.

The interstellar suit, filed by The Number Crunchers Clow, claims that Smith’s interstellar rights against “excessive prosecution” were being violated. Since Smith’s disorderly conduct charge was dismissed, he should not be tried again for the same event.

Surgon disagreed.

“Even Wikipedia gets this. ‘Jeopardy ‘attaches’ when the jury impanelled, the first witness is sworn, or a plea is accepted.’ This was clearly did not happen when the initial charge was dismissed by the state. Instead, the state changed its mind about what charge to press against Smith.”

Surgon added, “We are confident that he will get a fair hearing within US court system. There is no need for this court to intervene.”

Quatu, lawyer for NCC, said he was disappointed in the ruling.

“George Smith likes to help people! Right now I’ll bet he is helping people in prison! So it is sad that this judge won’t help him in return.”

Quatu called for human political activists of all sides to take up Smith’s cause.

“No matter the subject of your event, insist that there be speakers, signs and posters in support of George! If George is to have a chance at justice, ‘Free George’ must become a more popular slogan than ‘Free Mumia!’”

Also in The Babbler:

Occupy protestors fail to take over Chicago on April 7

Weredeer ask Claar to ban Bigfoot from Bolingbrook

Cubs games dropped from Interstellar TV

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/13/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Keith Olbermann to move to Bolingbrook Community Television?

2012-04-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

Photo by kirstenlovesputi

Days after being booted from Current TV, Keith Olbermann may be bringing Countdown to Bolingbrook Community Television.

Donnie Wilks, a BCTV producer, says he asked to produce a new show for Olbermann the day he was fired from Current TV.

“I really loved Countdown on MSNBC and Current.” Said Wilks. “So when I heard about the firing, I sent him a tweet offering to do the show on BCTV. Imagine my surprise when he replied that he was interested.”

Wilks claims he sent Olbermann a primer about Bolingbrook’s politics. Olbermann, according to Wilks, then asked him about the production quality of the new show.

“I said BCTV could keep the lights on during a live broadcast. He felt that was already a major improvement over Current TV.”

Olbermann then sent a video to Wilks stating his disbelief about Bolingbrook? “(Mayor Roger Claar) started to build a gated community? Are you (expletive deleted) me? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper if he had just promised to pay the mortgages of Bolingbrook’s 1 percent?”

After agreeing to give Olbermann all the rights to the shows, Olbermann sent a sample “Special Comment” dealing with the Bolingbrook Chronicle, a new web site by former trustee candidate Rhonda Reed-Slaughter. Wilks would not release the video, but did provide an excerpt from the transcript.

“Gee Rhonda, you’re surprised that Ken Cygan didn’t respond to your questionnaire? Could it have something to do with the fact that you were affiliated with The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook? You know, the web site that attacked him because union members attended one of his fundraisers. That little thing called guilt by association. Remember how well that worked in the 1950s.

“Which brings me to my next point. Part of politics involves building alliances. If you wanted to build an alliance to bring down Roger, who better to join your alliance than the local union members? Why did you affiliate yourself with a group that attacked union members? Do you want village employees to have substandard wages? Do you want to turn Bolingbrook into Madison?

“It is opposition groups like the Watch Dogs that allowed Bolingbrook to become a one party village. It is these antics that make residents choose the devil they know, rather than the devil they can barely read!”

BCTV denied knowing Wilks or of any producer planning on bringing Olbermann to BCTV.

Claar, when e-mailed, didn’t believe Olbermann was coming to BCTV. He added, “If he wants to take a vacation from counting his money, I hope he finds something better to do than attack me!”

When this reporter tried to reach Olbermann, his lawyer said his only plans involved suing Current TV to clear his name. In the background, a man who sounded like Olbermann said, “You mean, if I take over Current TV, I would only make money if the network were profitable? That would involve keeping the all the talent happy? Wow, I thought all you had to do to be a media CEO was insult your talent, and keep the Republican Party happy.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Babbler establishes Chicago bureau

2012-04-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

By Chris Olson

Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

After the harrowing events of last week. I am please to announce that The Babbler is opening a a bureau in Chicago.

While we have covered Chicago events in the past, for the first time, we will have a team of reporters dedicated to uncovering Chicago paranormal secrets. While the Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times post joke articles about ghosts, we’ll be covering Chicago’s ghost political machine. While The Chicago Reader tries to be an “alternative publication,” we’ll be exposing the “alternative” stories used to cover up Chicago’s UFO sightings.

Some of our readers may be concerned that we will sacrifice our coverage of Bolingbrook. Don’t worry. There are plenty of stories in Bolingbrook that need to be covered, and we will maintain our tradition of being Bolingbrook’s first and only true tabloid.

We believe, however, that our readers need to be aware of the paranormal events in Chicago. One of Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s goal’s is to create a UFO base in Chicago, threatening Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base status as the largest UFO base in the world. This could affect thousands of jobs in Bolingbrook. Chicago’s ghost political machine could try to spread its corrupting influence into the suburbs. I’m sure our Bolingbrook readers don’t want to be under the undead thumb of Richard Daley, Sr.

Our new Chicago readers might be interested in learning about Bolingbrook. Many don’t know that Bolingbrook is built on top of the remains of a pre-ice age industrial city. They might be surprised to hear that our Mayor Roger Claar is considered the most powerful village mayor in the Milky Way Galaxy. That should give Chicago residents a whole new prospective on Chicagoland politics.

I should also note that I find it odd that The Chicago Skeptics decided to hold an out of state concert the same weekend we opened our Chicago bureau. I hardly think that is a coincidence. So I’m extending our $5 Dollar challenge to The Chicago Skeptics. If you can debunk any of our stories at a meeting or on your web page, we’ll give you $5. Simple as that. Since The Skeptics Guide to The Universe, Skepchick, and The James Randi Educational Foundation haven’t been able to debunk us, I think you will find that it will not be as easy as you think it will be.

For those of you who asked, Anti-psychic Kitty is OK, and will now protect the Chicago Bureau from ghosts and the city’s psychic spies. He will have to get used to his new four legged roommates, but we think he’s up to the challenge.

So to our new Chicago readers, we say welcome, and check out both our print copies and our web page. As we also like to say around here, the truth is unbelievable!

Also in The Babbler:

Zombies to protest Necrophilia ban

Thousands of Clow aliens enjoy George Hrab simulcast.

Everyone quits Freethought blogs!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Lisle trees banish The Babbler!

2012-03-25T10:42:00.001-07:00

Following a six day siege in Lisle and Bolingbrook by Lisle’s human-tree hybrids, The Babbler has agreed to close its Lisle bureau.

“This is a sad decision.” Said publisher Chris Olson. “It is, however, the right decision. Too many innocent people and sentient trees could have been killed.”

The siege started on March 18 when The Village of Lisle took over The Babbler’s web domain. Sources at the village’s Office of Village Security say the order came from Lisle’s ruling tree council.

“Hey, when our trees tell us to do something, we do it.” Said an unnamed source at the office. “I’m sorry you guys were inconvenienced, but hey, it was nice to have a bit of excitement around here. Normally all I do is make plans for dealing with a terrorist attack, and search the Internet for threats against Lisle. The terrorists hate our trees, you know.”

The next day, armies of human-tree hybrids descended upon both the Lisle bureau and the Bolingbrook office.

John Buck, head of the Lisle bureau, described the initial advance.

“I saw a crowd approach, and thought it was odd, since there aren’t that many people around Four Lakes this time of year. Anyway, when the leader transformed her hair into leaves, I hit the panic button and called (the) Bolingbrook (office).”

The Bolingbrook office also locked down as the hybrids approached. Olson and editor Sara Langston made the choice because of the hybrids’ long history of violence.

“Historians say that the hybrids are normally lone assassins.” Said Langston. “An army of them in Lisle is frightening. An army of them outside of Lisle is something that hasn’t happened since the civil war!”

For three days, many staff members were trapped as the hybrids blocked the exits of both offices. Calls for help to Mayor Roger Claar and Lisle Mayor Joe Broda were unanswered. While both locations had emergency stores of food and water, staff members were unsure how long they could hold out.

“I now really hate MREs.” Said Babbler columnist Ticked-off Ted.

On March 22, some Bolingbrook residents messaged The Babbler that they were going to arm themselves with chainsaws, and attempt to break the siege. After the webmaster posted this on twitter, both mayors contacted The Babbler. After several hours of negotiations, the hybrids left, and Olson announced the closing of the Lisle bureau.

In a statement e-mailed to The Babbler, Claar wrote, “Next time don’t be so reckless with your reporting. I don’t want to tree war in my community!”

When called, Broda replied, “You’re leaving Lisle? Can I help you pack?”

Sources with ties to Lisle’s government blame the siege on atheist activist Hemant Mehta. Mehta, says the sources, didn’t want to The Babbler to cover the recent Reason Rally in Washington DC. When Claar refused to help him, he petitioned Lisle’s trees for help.

When confronted with this allegation, Mehta tweeted, “Go for it! We need the truth!”

“It was hard to ‘go for it’ when there’s a killer tree blocking the exit.” Said Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey.

Some students in Mehta’s class claim he is going to teach them a mathematical proof that shows humanity owes its existence to trees, and that everyone should do more to recycle as a way to show tribute to these, “Living creators of life.”

The Babbler founded Lisle bureau in 2007 to provide more in depth coverage of Lisle’s treeocracy and to expand the publications into other suburbs. The bureau exposed a ninja attack against Broda and covered allegations that Navistar was planning to manufacturing nuclear powered trucks in Lisle.

Olson said he will make an announcement about the location of the next bureau.

Also in The Babbler:

“Thank you Bonnie” to replace “God bless you?”

Alien supermarket threatens to undercut Bolingbrook Wal-mart

Clow officials arrest UFO crew for speeding over Dallas, TX

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Everything is under control. Remain calm. Visit the Morton Arboretum!

2012-03-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Lisle: The Arboretum Village

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Extraterrestrial corporation to buy Bolingbrook’s yard waste

2012-03-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

By Reporter X

Instead of Bolingbrook residents buying yard waste stickers, an alien corporation will buy the yard waste from the village instead.

Mayor Roger Claar announced the deal at a press conference held at Clow UFO Base. The Acteon Corporation will buy the yard waste and sell some of it as “high end organic growth enhancement.”

“Earth plants are popular containment subjects around the galaxy.” Said Acteon collective member Gosox. “They are so prized that our high end customers will not settle for mere nitrogen based fertilizer. We want to make them think that they’re getting added value. Your so-called yard waste is our key to a fortune.”

Bogok, Collective Enlightenment Organism, further explained.

“Humans may think of Bolingbrook as a sleepy suburb, but the galaxy thinks highly of Bolingbrook. Off-world visitors come to Clow to get access to the best restaurants, the best collection subjects, and the best politicians. In short, Bolingbrook offers access to greatness. If we promise access to the best plant health, and put the Bolingbrook name on it, we will generate great profit!”

Claar did not say how much the Acteon will pay the village, but did say it would prevent cuts to the covert budget, and it would allow the village to cancel its yard waste sticker program.

“This is why we have the Clow complex.” Said Claar. “Today, each home owner has saved at least $2.50. This more than makes up for any money the airport portion has lost.”

Acteon also hopes to sell sticks as interstellar toys.

“Even the most advanced polymorphic toy cannot bring about the joy that a spawn experiences when they use their imagination on a stick.” Said Bogok. “Adding the Bolingbrook name to a stick will make it more appealing to their genetic contributors.”

When asked by a reporter for Number Crunchers Clow, Claar confirmed that his likeness would be on each Bolingbrook product sold by Acteon.

“I am Bolingbrook. How can you not sell a Bolingbrook product without me?”

When asked to comment, The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook replied with an e-mail which simply read, “Thank you Bonnie!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Mayor Claar ends UFO political advertising ban

2012-03-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

With almost a week to go before the Illinois Primary, UFOs flying over Bolingbrook can once again display political ads. Bolingbrook mayor and Clow administrator Roger Claar signed an order lifting the weeks old ban.

Officials at The Department of Interstellar Affairs deny that action is related to Claar’s support for Mitt Romney’s campaign.

Said spokesperson Paula Dylan, “It was inevitable that some visitors would violate the ban, and inevitably that would lead to inappropriate messages in our night sky, so faced with an inevitable message crisis, we decided to end our resistance, and embrace inevitably by legalizing and regulating political messages.”

According to anonymous sources, UFOs are still required to be cloaked, but in between cloaking cycles, eyewitnesses can observe the campaign signs on the underbelly of the craft.

Kludoo, owner of an interstellar ad agency, says the ads, while expensive, are effective.

“Sure not everyone will look up at the right time, but those who will look up are more open minded, and are more likely to follow the advice of a space alien. You know, the whole ‘they can travel the stars, so they must know who I should vote for.’”

The campaigns are unaware of the ads, but alien sponsored super PACs are funding the ads.

Said Loik of the Universe for Romney, “He is the most Gleckgorian of your candidates. Since I had a spare trillion credits, I decided to help him out.”

Rigocks from the Intelligent Beings for Smart Colonization, hopes to use his signs to defeat Newt Gingrich.

“He has great taste in pressurized carbons, but I don’t want another colony on the Moon. Since I had some spare change, I decided to form a super PAC and prevent his annoying plan!”

Signs are appearing in Bolingbrook’s skies, sometimes with unexpected responses.

“I couldn’t decide who to vote for in the election.” Said Bolingbrook resident Paul X. Preston. “So I looked up to the sky and asked God for a sign. Mitt’s logo appeared in the sky. I figured this was the Devil playing a trick on me, so now I’m voting for Rick Santorum.”

When called for comment, Claar answered, “I am trying to think of a way to honor our missing troops. I do not want to organize an M.I.A concert! What I really want to do is.” Claar than slammed the headset four times then said, “And hang up on you!”

Also in The Babbler:

Gingrich: I will not destroy Chicago if elected

Alien message in junk DNA: Copyright 109233!

Mold monster attacks skeptic’s car

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

‘Wow!’ signal to be broadcast on BCTV

2012-03-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

Sometime this month, Bolingbrook Community Television will broadcast the infamous “Wow!” interstellar space signal.

The signal, detected on Earth in 1977, was an alcoholic drink commercial from Tau Sagittarii 3. The drink, translated as Garuck Beer, was a popular beverage over 150 year ago in Earth’s past.

“The ad was originally a publicity stunt for the Garuck Collective.” Said Saguscheck, the first Tau Sagittarii ambassador to Earth. “They weren’t even trying to transmit it to Earth. It was an accident. After the first cycle, the crew realized their mistake, and changed direction. That’s why you only got 72 seconds of the transmission.”

While the “Wow!” signal only created speculation on Earth, the extended commercial attracted the attention of other civilizations, and eventually lead to the Tau Sagittarii’s admission to the greater interstellar community.

“The galaxy loves our beer.” Said Cluckgook, an assistant to Saguscheck.”

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base is Saguscheck’s first stop on his tour of Earth’s UFO Bases. When he met Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, he asked if Claar could arrange for the “Wow!” signal to be broadcast on WGN as an infomercial. Saguscheck then offered Claar a container of Garuck.

Claar, according to eyewitnesses, drank it, winced, and then said the world wasn’t ready for this “otherworldly beer.”

“However,” Added Claar, “I’m sure the residents of Bolingbrook will love this beer. We have a cable channel that is just right for your message.”

“Sure we could have waited to present the ad to The Ohio State University.” Said Saguscheck, “But your mayor was so nice, and I’ve heard that OSU was more concerned with their football program, than with deciphering our ad. It was a simple HD signal, after all.”

No human has seen the broadcast version, but according to sources in the local extraterrestrial community, the ad starts with a shot of a female being sitting in pool of boiling mud. She holds a container of Garuck and says some people settle for the pleasure of burning mud. She takes a gulp, and then a male and a third sex being rise up from the mud. The woman replies that she doesn’t like to settle.

“It was quite a racy ad at the time.” Said Cluckgook. “I think it would be like one of your females talking about birth control to a group of men. That seems to drive one of your broadcasters into a mating frenzy.”

When asked to comment, an anonymous BCTV staff member said, “Come on. Do you really think Roger Claar would broadcast top secret videos on BCTV. We do have viewers!”

When this reporter contacted Claar’s office, a receptionist said he was on the phone and did not wish to be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “No, I’m not spying on you! You guys just aren’t as clever as you think you are!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook closes haunted intersection

New blog chastises sexist Bigfoot believers

Interplanetary network drops Rush

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/9/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Clow UFO Base officials review security procedures following YouTube UFO landing video

2012-02-26T08:55:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

A YouTube video of a UFO landing in New Mexico is prompting a security review at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.

“I can’t go into too many details,” said an anonymous source, “but either the ship’s cloaking field failed, or the camera person somehow managed to get past the base’s cloaking shields.”

The video, uploaded to YouTube on 2/20/12, is footage from a car chasing a descending UFO. After several seconds, the UFO stops, and then lands behind a building. The camera person manages to get a close up of the craft before it was obscured.

Sources tell The Babbler that UFO Bases around the world are reviewing their cloaking fields, and examining their security perimeters.

“We’re the largest urban UFO base in the world.” Said John, who asked that we not use his last name. “We can’t afford to have a breach like this. There would be more than 5 videos of the object, and we couldn’t pass it off as CGI. We could be lucky in this case because there is only one video of the craft.”

Part of the security review involves randomly asking residents if they can see a craft near Clow. Donald Parker, a long time Bolingbrook resident, claims he was at the stoplight on Boughton and Weber RD, and saw man wearing a dark coat and “enhanced sunglasses” tapped on his window.

“This big man pointed towards the sky, and asked if I could see anything. I said no, just the sky. He smiled and said, ‘Good answer!’”

Deanna Carter, also of Bolingbrook, said she was shopping that the Promenade when a security officer pointed at an airplane flying above.

“He asked if I noticed anything unusual about the craft. I said no. He said, ‘Good answer.’”

In additional to quizzing residents, Clow officials are also inspecting the cloaking devices of all ships.

“I realize this is happening at all bases, but it is still ridiculous!” Said Bao Woli of GJ 1214D. “Even though the video quality is poor, I can clearly see the US Air Force symbol on the craft. It is obviously a human-Commonbeing hybrid craft! We are being inconvenienced because your civilization hasn’t perfected our cloaking technology!”

In additional to the global security review, the skeptical movement is mobilizing to “debunk” the UFO video.

Sharon Hill of the Doubtful News wrote, “ It’s a hoax to get web hits. Their Facebook site is a joke. But, it has over 5000 “likes” and the video is popular. I sort of fear that even though people suspect these things are not real, they see them often enough and become complacent. And, they pass it to their friends, some of which really do accept them as real.”

YouTube skeptics have also noted that the landscape resembles Northern Europe, not the Southwest desert. It is possible, some experts say, that the grounds within the cloaking field have more moisture than the surrounding area.

Sources with connections to the New World Order say there is a search to find the people who made the video. Because they are confident the video will be “debunked,” there are no plans to have the video pulled.

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, “You know, I should arrange for a campaign stop in New Mexico. I’m sure there are plenty of constituents vacationing there, and they would like to hear me talk against a beautiful desert background!”

Also in The Babbler:

Winged Bigfoot spotted in Lisle

Mayor Emanuel: I don’t see Chicago mentioned in the First Amendment!

Fermilab warns their neutrinos not to exceed the speed of light

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Richard Dawkins treated for “slavery gene” at Clow UFO Base

2012-02-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

Famed British evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins was treated at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for a “slavery gene.”

“Professor Dawkins is recovering from emergency gene therapy.” Said spokesperson Roberta Franson. “After all he has done for to promote evolution among humanity, the least we could do was respond to his request to change his genetic code.”

Sources say that during an interview with The Sunday Telegraph, Dawkins learned that some of his ancestors owned slaves in Jamaica. The revelation so shocked Dawkins, that he later contacted MI12 and demanded to be taken to Clow UFO Base for genetic treatment. The sources say that he wanted to have his latent “slavery gene” reprogramed.

“I think it is telling that Professor Dawkins could have had free treatment at any of Britain's UFO bases.” Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. “Instead he choose to come to the largest urban UFO base in the world, located in America! He was willing to be probed in exchange for the excellent treatment he received here.”

The same sources say Dawkins came to Clow on the recommendation of noted atheist Professor PZ Myers. The professor, according to the sources, has worked with alien scientists to give them a better understanding of human genetics.

“Sure, they publicly disagree about the evolution of extraterrestrial intelligence.” Said one source. “Really, they’re good friends, and he trusts PZ Myers with his genetic code.”

When this reporter called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for confirmation, a man who claimed to be Dawkins answered the phone. He denied believing in UFOs, having a “slavery gene,” or ever visiting Bolingbrook, IL.

“You should read my blog post on this dreadful subject, and then take course in genetics.” Dawkins replied. “Then you will see that your publication is of the same lineage as The Telegraph. Maybe then you will decide that you are fit enough for a real job and leave me alone!”

When Myers was asked to comment, he simply replied, “I don’t care what you write about me, I will never link to your web page!”

Also in The Babbler:

Demonic Teens picket H2O

Source: Santorum also front runner to replace Pope

Trustee Leroy Brown denies planning coup against Claar

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Babbler Webmaster speaks at Chicago Skepticamp!

2012-02-17T16:24:00.000-08:00

Last month, our webmaster addressed the Chicago Skeptics at Skepticamp Chicago 2012. To our amazement, they released the video. Let us know what you think.

Poe and Me from Chicago Skeptics on Vimeo.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Men in Blue save Mayor Claar from ‘Santorum’ prank

2012-02-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

Photo by Gage Skidmore

By Reporter X

Two teenage extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to dump “Santorum” on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar’s home.

“Santorum,” a vile fluid that cannot be described in a family friendly publication, is named after former Senator Rick Santorum. It was named by Dan Savage in protest of Santorum’s antigay statements.

The aliens were inspired to dump the fluid on Mayor Roger Claar’s home following Santorum’s republican primary and caucus victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.

“Roger is always telling us visitors how Mitt Romney is a great candidate for world leader.” Said Guido. “It really annoyed us. So when we heard about Santorum’s wins, we thought it would be great to dump ‘Santorum’ on his home!”

“We were bored.” Protested Qilgo. “There’s nothing for us to do at Clow UFO Base.”

The two aliens “borrowed” Guido’s parents’ UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.

“You would be surprised how much ‘Santorum’ there is in your DuPage County.” Said Qilgo.

Fortunately for the residents of Naperville, the aliens’ craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow. The Men in Blue then arrested the two teens, telling them they were charged with illegal sample collecting and vehicle theft.

“We told them we were bored.” Said Guido. “They didn’t care.”

After two hours confined in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met with the youths.

According to the two, Claar said, “You two are at risk of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for enhanced questioning.”

The youths, by their own account, tried to simulate human tears and beg Claar not to send them to the Martian Colonies.

“We knew humans became really mean in the last 11 years, but this was too scary! Even for them!” Said Guido.

Claar allegedly then told them, “Fortunately, I have a program for at risk youth like you. Humanoid Corrective Learning. It is my own private interstellar charity dedicated to helping bored teenagers see the error of your ways. It will involve days of talking about right and wrong, followed by some special field trips. If you get bored, just remember that there will never be a dull moment on Mars! That might persuade you to appreciate boredom, or find a more constructive way to deal with your boredom.”

The youths agreed to participate in HCL.

Claar then added, “I’d better not catch you voting for Santorum. Only humans can vote in this election, and, if my party has its way, not all humans will be able to vote in this election!”

The youths’ parents allegedly told Claar that they appreciated his mercy, and then donated to HCL.

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs told The Babbler that Savage was investigated and cleared of any involvement in the hoax.

Santorum could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said the former senator would work to make it illegal for The Babbler’s insurance plan to cover birth control.

When this reporter called Claar, he answered, “Bonnie’s people are wrong! My daughter travels to Bolingbrook once a month to work for H2O, and she works over the Internet for the rest of the month. She earns her salary! If they want a social media war with me fine. I also have a web site, a Facebook page, and if I have to learn how to use Twitter, I will! They may think they have an army, but I am The Hulk!”

Also in The Babbler:

Wooly Rhino spotted in Bolingbrook

Pet psychic: Dogs spreading anti-cat propaganda through the media

Demonic possession declines in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Schrodinger’s cat terrorizes Chicagoland bloggers!

2012-02-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Rare photo of Schrodinger's cat

Several Chicago area bloggers report being attacked by Schrodinger’s cat!

“I wanted to write a post about quantum healing.” Said a blogger from Higher State of Chicago blog. “Then this weird looking cat poped up in from of my computer and hissed at me. I told him I wouldn’t make the post, and then it vanished. Sure it was 3 am, but I know what I saw!”

Long denied by science, Schrodinger’s cat is an unfortunate cat who, as the result of a quantum mechanics experiment, is both alive and dead. Some experts say that the experiment turned the cat into permanent quantum wave. This allows the cat to appear at any location in the universe instantaneously.

Adam, from the Chicago Nice Guys Blog, described a horrific encounter with Schrodinger’s cat. He said he was trying to write a blog post about Schrodinger’s rapist, the belief that when a woman meets a male stranger, she is not sure of the man’s intentions.

“I was writing about how it is absolutely ridiculous that I can’t chat with a woman on the L or a dark alley without her worrying if I'm going to attack her. Then this weird cat appears. After I got over my fright, I saw that it was looking at the screen. I had just typed ‘Schrodinger’s rapist.’ Then it looked at me. I said, ‘What’s it to you? Schrodinger’s rapist is unfair to all nice guys!’”

After arguing with the cat for a several seconds, things turned ugly.

“I told it that it was obviously a man-hating female cat who only wants human girls to date jerks! Next think I know, it scratched both sides of my face at once. With only one paw! I figured if it could do that, it could scratch my internal organs and kill me!”

Adam deleted the term “Schrodinger’s rapist,” and the cat vanished.

“I’m still right about women, but I will make sure never to invoke the wrath of Schrodinger’s cat!”

When asked to comment, the Chicago Animal Care and Control receptionist laughed and hung up the phone.

Physicists doubt the eyewitness reports of Schrodinger’s cat.

In a form e-mail to The Babbler, Ethan Siegel replied, “Schrodinger’s cat was a thought experiment, not a real one. No cats were ever harmed. Even if someone tried the experiment, it wouldn’t work because geiger counter and the cat would count as observers. So the cat would either be alive or dead. Not both! Please read my blog more carefully before sending me an e-mail!”

Bloggers from outside of the Chicago area deny seeing the cat after writing about about Schrodinger’s rapist.

“Wow!” Said Natalie Reed, from Sincerely Natalie Reed. “What do they put in Bolingbrook's water supply to make you come up with a story like that?

During the Skype conversation, an air horn sounded in the background.

“Hey Natalie!” Someone screamed. “It’s Crommunist! I’m shuffling towards you!” This was followed by loud shuffling sounds and Crommunist's assurances that he was safe.

“Now that’s over the top!” Screamed Reed.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook police assure public as blue goo falls from the sky

Mayor Claar: No political ads allowed on UFOs

Bolingbrook to crack down on sky noise

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/8/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Gingrich and Paul fail to excite at interplanetary Republican debate

2012-01-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

Despite the hype, the Republican Interplanetary debate, broadcast from Clow UFO Base, between Newt Gingrich and Rep. Ron Paul failed to inspire the audience.

“I leave Earth for a few decades, and these two are the best the Republicans have to offer?” Said Paul Gillman, a former abductee who now travels to Mars for business.

The Interplanetary Republican Primary is for human Republicans who live off Earth but within the solar system. Most are Black Level scientists, covert operatives, or abductees.

Both men started off implying they would focus on Mitt Romney, who refused to participate in the debate.

Paul said that as much as he wanted to talk about “a serial hypocrite and Washington insider,” he would instead talk about “a man who wants to turn over the country to interstellar government run banks!”

Gingrich replied that as entertaining as it would be to debate a man “who’s ideas are so out of this world that he shouldn’t be considered a resident of the solar system,” he would instead deal with, “a man who thinks God is going to give him a planet.”

Both candidates, however, did agree that Americans should be kept in the dark about the existence of extraterrestrials on Earth.

Gingrich said, “Real Americans would be shocked when they realize how many aliens have an incorrect understanding of our Lord. Atheists would use this knowledge of alien religions to undermine traditional values, and destroy civilization.”

Paul agreed, but for different reasons.

“If people knew that there was a hostile alien civilization on Mars, it would destroy our country. Americans would demand a global defense system. That means government spending. Then they would want everyone to work together to protect humanity. That means a one world government even worse than the North America Union, It also means the end of borders, and the creation of the Worldo currency! It’s better to lie to the American people, than to end America!”

During the audience question and answer section, Donald Emerson, a scientist who works on Europa, asked both candidates to respond to the charge that they are using racism to promote their campaigns.

Paul, who answered first, defended his newsletters.

“I appeal to people from all across the political spectrum. The problem is that I have to appease people all over the political spectrum.” Paul continued, “So I published newsletters with comments to please the racial realists out there. Then I tell the blacks that I’ll get rid of drug laws, and then to everyone else, I look like a promoter of free speech.”

Gingrich, in contrast, embraced the charge of racism.

“In every great piece of science fiction, the superior races have a single culture and a single ethnicity. I mean, liberal producers almost destroyed Star Trek by introducing diverse Vulcans in Enterprise. If humanity is to become a superior race, we need to make sure that the Judeo-Christian civilization is victorious. We don’t want Muslims to win. That would bring about a “Day the Earth Stood Still” scenario.”

During the debate, the Anonymous Collective hacked into the studio’s network. They then projected a video message from Angie the Anti-theist onto the big screens.

“We’re over a decade into the 21st Century and The Republicans are endorsing child labor, torture, and getting rid of birth control? Are you guys a bunch of sociopaths? Do any of you care about the 99 percent?”

After Clow officials regained control of the network, Both candidates shook their heads.

“I’m glad she has the liberty to speak.” Said Paul. “But really wish she wouldn’t.”

Gingrich stepped away from the lectern. He enthusiastically declared that if elected, he would offer the nation’s disabled, gays, and poor minorities to aliens in exchange for fewer white males being abducted. No one applauded.

After the debate, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar addressed the media. Wearing a Mitt Romney button, he offered his spin on the debate.

“This senseless arguing should end after Super Tuesday. Then we can call unite around Mitt and defeat President Obama.”

Also in The Babbler:

Witch casts sleep spell on Babbler production staff

Young skeptic leads effort to brainwash Chicago teens

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook trapped in the 6th dimension.

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Opposition parties respond to State of The Village Address

2012-01-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

Each year, The Babbler provides space for Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the State of Village address. This year the Roger Claar Party, The Zero Growth Party, and The Skepchick Party accepted our offer.

The Roger Claar Party: A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow. I’m still wiping away the tears after that great speech. Roger sure knows how to move a crowd. We are so lucky to have Roger as our Mayor.

Thanks to Roger’s bold leadership, we have new businesses in the area, which means more jobs and more revenue for the things that make Bolingbrook great!

Still, no thanks to Obama, we have to make sacrifices. Roger can only do so much. That’s why he’s asking for our ideas on how to save money.

We have a simple idea. How about the village trustees return their village subsidy checks? If anything, they should be paying the village for the honor of serving Roger.

Are they going to? No. They’re not willing to go the extra mile for Roger. Because they won’t, they’re putting the village at risk for a Mayor Bonnie! We can’t afford a Mayor Bonnie!

So this year, let’s appreciate all that Roger has done for us. Then next year you should vote for the only party that will pay for the privilege of serving the man who is Bolingbrook.

(Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar, and Claar has repeatedly denounced the party.)

Zero Growth Party: The population is too damn high!

Mayor Roger Claar is right. We can’t afford to serve a population of over 70,000 people. Roger says we need to make cuts or expect cutbacks in basic services.

Here’s our suggestion! Cut back on the population! If we can’t afford to serve 70,000 people, we need evict some people.

Our plan is simple:

Deport anyone with any kind of criminal record. Have a parking ticket? Go to a city of other poor parkers
Raise the taxes! The beer industry knows that people will like your product if it is more expensive. By raising our taxes, we improve the perception of Bolingbrook, and remove undesirable residents.
Require application for residency. This will get rid of the impulse immigrants to Bolingbrook, and result in a high quality of resident.

By following this plan, we can reduce the number of resident, and have a high quality of service from the village, without hiring new employees.

I’m all for a smaller Bolingbrook. Vote for us next year if you are too!

The Skepchick Party: Women and good men rock!

Illinois may no longer have a Skepchick blogger, but there still plenty of skeptical women in Bolingbrook. It’s time that we had a voice in village hall.

Mayor Roger Claar wants our ideas for improving Bolingbrook. Unfortunately, he can’t ban The Babbler. He can, however, implement our ideas!

Convert The Bolingbrook Golf Club into a science museum and awesome bar! Sure golf is fun, but it’s also great to educate our children about the wonders of science. Let’s use the land to invest in our future. Plus, with the help of the Skepchicks, we can turn The Nest into the best bar ever! No one knows pubs better than skeptics! Our drinks, like the Buzzed Aldrin, will be the talk of the suburbs! Plus we’ll have great music acts like George Hrab, Tim Minchin, and First Aid Kit! What’s not to like?
Exile Drew Peterson!
Pass anti-trolling ordinances! Too many woman and decent men are harassed by Internet trolls. Let’s make sure none of them live in Bolingbrook!

If you like these ideas, then vote for us next year, and we’ll work to make Bolingbrook the most awesome suburb EVER!

Also in The Babbler:

Claar: This snowfall did require plowing. But not all do!

Bolingbrook Bigfoots demand less Internet coverage

The Babbler offers condolences to former Mayor Ed Rosenthal and his family

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Babbler to speak at SkeptiCamp Chicago!

2012-01-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

The Bolingbrook Babbler will bring much needed open-mindedness to Chicago’s second SkeptiCamp on 1/28/12.

“We are thankful for the opportunity to talk about our readers to an audience they may not normally read our publication.” Said Publisher Chris Olson. “After Saturday, these low level operatives will get a better understand of Big Skepticism, and know that they are pawns in an alien conspiracy to spread critical thinking.”

Initially, Olson wanted Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, to speak at the convention through an interpreter. The Chicago Skeptics expressed their doubt, saying they couldn’t be sure it was Anti-psychic Kitty talking, or the interpreter pretending to speak for APK.

According to an anonymous source within Chicago Skeptics, “Since this is an open convention, it would just be better for you guys to speak for yourselves, and leave the cat out of it.”

Chicago SkeptiCamp will feature 14 speakers, a video conference with SkeptiCamp Madrid, and a trivia contest. Admission is free, but all participants are encouraged to volunteer with the organizing of the event. Speaker slots are closed, but people can still register to attend.

Editor Sara Langston encourages Babbler readers to attend this event.

“We could use the support in what could be a hostile environment.” Said Langston. “Then we can keep the skeptics on their toes with our alternative questions!”

A skeptic, who asked not to be named, is looking forward to The Babbler’s presentation.

“Sure it’s OK to be openminded to learn the truth. Though sometimes it’s OK to laugh at the stupid, and I can’t wait to laugh at The Babbler!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Don't let "Them" censor the Internet!

2012-01-18T04:05:00.000-08:00

Learn More.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.