The Bolingbrook Babbler

Men in Blue save Mayor Claar from ‘Santorum’ prank

2012-02-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

Photo by Gage Skidmore

By Reporter X

Two teenage extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to dump “Santorum” on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar’s home.

“Santorum,” a vile fluid that cannot be described in a family friendly publication, is named after former Senator Rick Santorum. It was named by Dan Savage in protest of Santorum’s antigay statements.

The aliens were inspired to dump the fluid on Mayor Roger Claar’s home following Santorum’s republican primary and caucus victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.

“Roger is always telling us visitors how Mitt Romney is a great candidate for world leader.” Said Guido. “It really annoyed us. So when we heard about Santorum’s wins, we thought it would be great to dump ‘Santorum’ on his home!”

“We were bored.” Protested Qilgo. “There’s nothing for us to do at Clow UFO Base.”

The two aliens “borrowed” Guido’s parents’ UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.

“You would be surprised how much ‘Santorum’ there is in your DuPage County.” Said Qilgo.

Fortunately for the residents of Naperville, the aliens’ craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow. The Men in Blue then arrested the two teens, telling them they were charged with illegal sample collecting and vehicle theft.

“We told them we were bored.” Said Guido. “They didn’t care.”

After two hours confined in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met with the youths.

According to the two, Claar said, “You two are at risk of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for enhanced questioning.”

The youths, by their own account, tried to simulate human tears and beg Claar not to send them to the Martian Colonies.

“We knew humans became really mean in the last 11 years, but this was too scary! Even for them!” Said Guido.

Claar allegedly then told them, “Fortunately, I have a program for at risk youth like you. Humanoid Corrective Learning. It is my own private interstellar charity dedicated to helping bored teenagers see the error of your ways. It will involve days of talking about right and wrong, followed by some special field trips. If you get bored, just remember that there will never be a dull moment on Mars! That might persuade you to appreciate boredom, or find a more constructive way to deal with your boredom.”

The youths agreed to participate in HCL.

Claar then added, “I’d better not catch you voting for Santorum. Only humans can vote in this election, and, if my party has its way, not all humans will be able to vote in this election!”

The youths’ parents allegedly told Claar that they appreciated his mercy, and then donated to HCL.

Sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs told The Babbler that Savage was investigated and cleared of any involvement in the hoax.

Santorum could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said the former senator would work to make it illegal for The Babbler’s insurance plan to cover birth control.

When this reporter called Claar, he answered, “Bonnie’s people are wrong! My daughter travels to Bolingbrook once a month to work for H2O, and she works over the Internet for the rest of the month. She earns her salary! If they want a social media war with me fine. I also have a web site, a Facebook page, and if I have to learn how to use Twitter, I will! They may think they have an army, but I am The Hulk!”

Also in The Babbler:

Wooly Rhino spotted in Bolingbrook

Pet psychic: Dogs spreading anti-cat propaganda through the media

Demonic possession declines in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Schrodinger’s cat terrorizes Chicagoland bloggers!

2012-02-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Rare photo of Schrodinger's cat

Several Chicago area bloggers report being attacked by Schrodinger’s cat!

“I wanted to write a post about quantum healing.” Said a blogger from Higher State of Chicago blog. “Then this weird looking cat poped up in from of my computer and hissed at me. I told him I wouldn’t make the post, and then it vanished. Sure it was 3 am, but I know what I saw!”

Long denied by science, Schrodinger’s cat is an unfortunate cat who, as the result of a quantum mechanics experiment, is both alive and dead. Some experts say that the experiment turned the cat into permanent quantum wave. This allows the cat to appear at any location in the universe instantaneously.

Adam, from the Chicago Nice Guys Blog, described a horrific encounter with Schrodinger’s cat. He said he was trying to write a blog post about Schrodinger’s rapist, the belief that when a woman meets a male stranger, she is not sure of the man’s intentions.

“I was writing about how it is absolutely ridiculous that I can’t chat with a woman on the L or a dark alley without her worrying if I'm going to attack her. Then this weird cat appears. After I got over my fright, I saw that it was looking at the screen. I had just typed ‘Schrodinger’s rapist.’ Then it looked at me. I said, ‘What’s it to you? Schrodinger’s rapist is unfair to all nice guys!’”

After arguing with the cat for a several seconds, things turned ugly.

“I told it that it was obviously a man-hating female cat who only wants human girls to date jerks! Next think I know, it scratched both sides of my face at once. With only one paw! I figured if it could do that, it could scratch my internal organs and kill me!”

Adam deleted the term “Schrodinger’s rapist,” and the cat vanished.

“I’m still right about women, but I will make sure never to invoke the wrath of Schrodinger’s cat!”

When asked to comment, the Chicago Animal Care and Control receptionist laughed and hung up the phone.

Physicists doubt the eyewitness reports of Schrodinger’s cat.

In a form e-mail to The Babbler, Ethan Siegel replied, “Schrodinger’s cat was a thought experiment, not a real one. No cats were ever harmed. Even if someone tried the experiment, it wouldn’t work because geiger counter and the cat would count as observers. So the cat would either be alive or dead. Not both! Please read my blog more carefully before sending me an e-mail!”

Bloggers from outside of the Chicago area deny seeing the cat after writing about about Schrodinger’s rapist.

“Wow!” Said Natalie Reed, from Sincerely Natalie Reed. “What do they put in Bolingbrook's water supply to make you come up with a story like that?

During the Skype conversation, an air horn sounded in the background.

“Hey Natalie!” Someone screamed. “It’s Crommunist! I’m shuffling towards you!” This was followed by loud shuffling sounds and Crommunist's assurances that he was safe.

“Now that’s over the top!” Screamed Reed.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook police assure public as blue goo falls from the sky

Mayor Claar: No political ads allowed on UFOs

Bolingbrook to crack down on sky noise

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/8/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Gingrich and Paul fail to excite at interplanetary Republican debate

2012-01-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

Despite the hype, the Republican Interplanetary debate, broadcast from Clow UFO Base, between Newt Gingrich and Rep. Ron Paul failed to inspire the audience.

“I leave Earth for a few decades, and these two are the best the Republicans have to offer?” Said Paul Gillman, a former abductee who now travels to Mars for business.

The Interplanetary Republican Primary is for human Republicans who live off Earth but within the solar system. Most are Black Level scientists, covert operatives, or abductees.

Both men started off implying they would focus on Mitt Romney, who refused to participate in the debate.

Paul said that as much as he wanted to talk about “a serial hypocrite and Washington insider,” he would instead talk about “a man who wants to turn over the country to interstellar government run banks!”

Gingrich replied that as entertaining as it would be to debate a man “who’s ideas are so out of this world that he shouldn’t be considered a resident of the solar system,” he would instead deal with, “a man who thinks God is going to give him a planet.”

Both candidates, however, did agree that Americans should be kept in the dark about the existence of extraterrestrials on Earth.

Gingrich said, “Real Americans would be shocked when they realize how many aliens have an incorrect understanding of our Lord. Atheists would use this knowledge of alien religions to undermine traditional values, and destroy civilization.”

Paul agreed, but for different reasons.

“If people knew that there was a hostile alien civilization on Mars, it would destroy our country. Americans would demand a global defense system. That means government spending. Then they would want everyone to work together to protect humanity. That means a one world government even worse than the North America Union, It also means the end of borders, and the creation of the Worldo currency! It’s better to lie to the American people, than to end America!”

During the audience question and answer section, Donald Emerson, a scientist who works on Europa, asked both candidates to respond to the charge that they are using racism to promote their campaigns.

Paul, who answered first, defended his newsletters.

“I appeal to people from all across the political spectrum. The problem is that I have to appease people all over the political spectrum.” Paul continued, “So I published newsletters with comments to please the racial realists out there. Then I tell the blacks that I’ll get rid of drug laws, and then to everyone else, I look like a promoter of free speech.”

Gingrich, in contrast, embraced the charge of racism.

“In every great piece of science fiction, the superior races have a single culture and a single ethnicity. I mean, liberal producers almost destroyed Star Trek by introducing diverse Vulcans in Enterprise. If humanity is to become a superior race, we need to make sure that the Judeo-Christian civilization is victorious. We don’t want Muslims to win. That would bring about a “Day the Earth Stood Still” scenario.”

During the debate, the Anonymous Collective hacked into the studio’s network. They then projected a video message from Angie the Anti-theist onto the big screens.

“We’re over a decade into the 21st Century and The Republicans are endorsing child labor, torture, and getting rid of birth control? Are you guys a bunch of sociopaths? Do any of you care about the 99 percent?”

After Clow officials regained control of the network, Both candidates shook their heads.

“I’m glad she has the liberty to speak.” Said Paul. “But really wish she wouldn’t.”

Gingrich stepped away from the lectern. He enthusiastically declared that if elected, he would offer the nation’s disabled, gays, and poor minorities to aliens in exchange for fewer white males being abducted. No one applauded.

After the debate, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar addressed the media. Wearing a Mitt Romney button, he offered his spin on the debate.

“This senseless arguing should end after Super Tuesday. Then we can call unite around Mitt and defeat President Obama.”

Also in The Babbler:

Witch casts sleep spell on Babbler production staff

Young skeptic leads effort to brainwash Chicago teens

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook trapped in the 6th dimension.

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Opposition parties respond to State of The Village Address

2012-01-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

Each year, The Babbler provides space for Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the State of Village address. This year the Roger Claar Party, The Zero Growth Party, and The Skepchick Party accepted our offer.

The Roger Claar Party: A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow. I’m still wiping away the tears after that great speech. Roger sure knows how to move a crowd. We are so lucky to have Roger as our Mayor.

Thanks to Roger’s bold leadership, we have new businesses in the area, which means more jobs and more revenue for the things that make Bolingbrook great!

Still, no thanks to Obama, we have to make sacrifices. Roger can only do so much. That’s why he’s asking for our ideas on how to save money.

We have a simple idea. How about the village trustees return their village subsidy checks? If anything, they should be paying the village for the honor of serving Roger.

Are they going to? No. They’re not willing to go the extra mile for Roger. Because they won’t, they’re putting the village at risk for a Mayor Bonnie! We can’t afford a Mayor Bonnie!

So this year, let’s appreciate all that Roger has done for us. Then next year you should vote for the only party that will pay for the privilege of serving the man who is Bolingbrook.

(Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar, and Claar has repeatedly denounced the party.)

Zero Growth Party: The population is too damn high!

Mayor Roger Claar is right. We can’t afford to serve a population of over 70,000 people. Roger says we need to make cuts or expect cutbacks in basic services.

Here’s our suggestion! Cut back on the population! If we can’t afford to serve 70,000 people, we need evict some people.

Our plan is simple:

Deport anyone with any kind of criminal record. Have a parking ticket? Go to a city of other poor parkers
Raise the taxes! The beer industry knows that people will like your product if it is more expensive. By raising our taxes, we improve the perception of Bolingbrook, and remove undesirable residents.
Require application for residency. This will get rid of the impulse immigrants to Bolingbrook, and result in a high quality of resident.

By following this plan, we can reduce the number of resident, and have a high quality of service from the village, without hiring new employees.

I’m all for a smaller Bolingbrook. Vote for us next year if you are too!

The Skepchick Party: Women and good men rock!

Illinois may no longer have a Skepchick blogger, but there still plenty of skeptical women in Bolingbrook. It’s time that we had a voice in village hall.

Mayor Roger Claar wants our ideas for improving Bolingbrook. Unfortunately, he can’t ban The Babbler. He can, however, implement our ideas!

Convert The Bolingbrook Golf Club into a science museum and awesome bar! Sure golf is fun, but it’s also great to educate our children about the wonders of science. Let’s use the land to invest in our future. Plus, with the help of the Skepchicks, we can turn The Nest into the best bar ever! No one knows pubs better than skeptics! Our drinks, like the Buzzed Aldrin, will be the talk of the suburbs! Plus we’ll have great music acts like George Hrab, Tim Minchin, and First Aid Kit! What’s not to like?
Exile Drew Peterson!
Pass anti-trolling ordinances! Too many woman and decent men are harassed by Internet trolls. Let’s make sure none of them live in Bolingbrook!

If you like these ideas, then vote for us next year, and we’ll work to make Bolingbrook the most awesome suburb EVER!

Also in The Babbler:

Claar: This snowfall did require plowing. But not all do!

Bolingbrook Bigfoots demand less Internet coverage

The Babbler offers condolences to former Mayor Ed Rosenthal and his family

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Babbler to speak at SkeptiCamp Chicago!

2012-01-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

The Bolingbrook Babbler will bring much needed open-mindedness to Chicago’s second SkeptiCamp on 1/28/12.

“We are thankful for the opportunity to talk about our readers to an audience they may not normally read our publication.” Said Publisher Chris Olson. “After Saturday, these low level operatives will get a better understand of Big Skepticism, and know that they are pawns in an alien conspiracy to spread critical thinking.”

Initially, Olson wanted Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, to speak at the convention through an interpreter. The Chicago Skeptics expressed their doubt, saying they couldn’t be sure it was Anti-psychic Kitty talking, or the interpreter pretending to speak for APK.

According to an anonymous source within Chicago Skeptics, “Since this is an open convention, it would just be better for you guys to speak for yourselves, and leave the cat out of it.”

Chicago SkeptiCamp will feature 14 speakers, a video conference with SkeptiCamp Madrid, and a trivia contest. Admission is free, but all participants are encouraged to volunteer with the organizing of the event. Speaker slots are closed, but people can still register to attend.

Editor Sara Langston encourages Babbler readers to attend this event.

“We could use the support in what could be a hostile environment.” Said Langston. “Then we can keep the skeptics on their toes with our alternative questions!”

A skeptic, who asked not to be named, is looking forward to The Babbler’s presentation.

“Sure it’s OK to be openminded to learn the truth. Though sometimes it’s OK to laugh at the stupid, and I can’t wait to laugh at The Babbler!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Don't let "Them" censor the Internet!

2012-01-18T04:05:00.000-08:00

Learn More.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Red Deer Reporter: Harper backs down against gay extraterrestrials

2012-01-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

From the editor: The Babbler is proud to announce our new sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter. Based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada’s newest tabloid it is “not a halfway publication.” The staff promises to “melt the lies” and tell the truth about “God’s favorite Canadian City.” They promise run stories about oil monsters, atheist Bigfoot cults, and the world’s 10th largest urban UFO base. While they’re working on getting their web site up and running, we’ve agreed to feature some of their stories on our web site. So lets check them out, eh?

By Reporter Zed

Faced with a possible invasion by angry gay aliens, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided to recognize all gay marriages.

“The Canadian Government will recognize all same-sex marriages performed in Canada.” Said Paul DuPage, spokesperson for Red Deer Off-world Consulate. “Even foreigners whose marriages wouldn’t be recognized on their home worlds.”

The controversy when a foreign lesbian couple tried to get a divorce. A federal lawyer argued that the couple’s Canadian wedding was invalid because the couple’s home countries do not recognize gay marriages.

This argument created an unexpected backlash from Canada’s extraterrestrial community.

“Do you realize how much money I spent to get a Canadian Gay wedding?” Exclaimed Po Kock, from Barnard’s Star. “Even with your government’s subsidy, I had to fly my partner here, hire an appropriate official, and find uniquely Canadian food that isn’t covered in toxic tree sap. Now Harper is trying to tell me that I wasted my money!”

Ko Glock, of Kepler 109A, was even more furious.

“I was trying to enlighten your officials on the importance of recognizing the marriage of a third sex individual. I thought I was making progress, but then Harper backtracked to only recognizing heterosexual marriages. What kind of backwards country won’t allow marriages for the other two sexes? If I wanted to go to a backwards political subdivision, I could have chosen one of the US’s UFO bases? I thought Canada was enlightened.”

A source within the Consulate said the issue quickly escalated.

“The gays were going to send battleships to attack Canada.” Said the source. “Obama said he would help, but it would take awhile to mobilize the interstellar fleet. I guess we shouldn’t have backed down on climate change without consulting with Hillary.”

The source said the choice would soon be obvious.

“We could either recognize foreigners who get same-sex marriages in Canada, or Canada would become one big crater. We had to think about it for a bit.”

The new law should be in affect in a matter of months. The gay aliens have decided to hold off on any attack until the bill has a chance to clear parliament.

Harper could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for the Red Deer Conservative Party did comment. He denied any aliens involvement with Harper’s decision to change the law.

“We don’t care for the foreign gays, but we do care for their money.”

Also in The Red Tree Reporter:

Climate change will make winters only severely uncomfortable

Border fence could separate Bigfoot families

Keystone XL pipeline will filter out oil monsters

God to smite the rest of Canada on 1/20/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Anti-Rebecca Watson convention expects record crowds

2012-01-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

Fueled by controversies surrounding Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson, organizers expect record attendance at this year’s AntiRebeccaWatsonCon.

“We’re going to have more than 50 people this year!” Said founder Max Cornwall at an organizational meeting attended by this reporter. “Two years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed we would get this big.”

Each year, critics of Watson gather in Lisle, IL to express their “aggressive dislike” of her. The convention is free, but anyone who wants to speak has to pay a speaker’s fee.

Last year, Watson posted a video criticizing a man who entered the elevator she was on, and invited her to his room. This sparked what later became know as Elevatorgate.

“Any man should be able to go to an enclosed space and invite a drunk woman to his hotel room.” Said Bob Z. McGill, one of the organizers. “Hello, college spring break?”

A man who claimed to be a representative of the UNI Freethinkers and Inquirers, said Watson is too harsh towards women who disagree with her about Elevatorgate.

“All Stef did was make a small little blog post!” Cried the man. “Did Rebecca listen? No! She called her out in front of CFI! She said that poor sweet innocent Stef was part of the problem!” The man sobbed some more. “I’m sorry, I can’t go on. But just because you don’t agree with that woman, doesn’t make you a misogynist!”

Doug X. Paulson, another organizer, disagreed.

“Miswatsony leads to Misogyny.” Said J.P. Truman. “Sure you can hate Rebecca and still like women, but you’re not good at one of them.”

After a heated exchange, Cronwall calmed the organizers by saying they all agree that David Mabus should be barred from the convention.

“I can’t tell from his letter if he wanted to be the keynote speaker, or if he wanted to kill us.” Said Cronwall. “Why take the chance?”

Lydia Riversong then said that the organizers needed to be more diverse.

“We should also focus on Jen McCreight, Greta Christina, Stephanie Zvan, Ophelia Benson, and that bearded lesbian PZ Myers! Rebecca is just part of a larger problem.”

Cornwall tabled the proposal, saying that it was important not to dilute the convention’s important issues.

After a short argument, the organizers voted to accept Abbie Smith’s application to be the keynote speaker. Smith, through Skype, voiced her appreciation, and announced that she would also hold a special workshop.

“We’re going to come up with new names for Rebecca Watson! I can’t wait to see if anyone can top Twatson! This will be my answer to the Skepchicks’ angry vagina craft time!”

Bed Radford, who may be the focus of “dollgate,” also announced that he would speak at the convention.

“As sure as dolls have pink skin, the sky is purple, and Bigfoot is unproven, Rebecca Watson is wrong! I can’t wait to elaborate on my rebuttal to Rebecca!”

Cornwall then announced that “Elevator Guy” will be at the convention. He will host his special version of “The Dating Game” on a freight elevator.

“All the participants will sign waver forms.” Cronwall assured the organizers.

Cornwall then commented on the evolution of convention.

“We used to have a large contingent of organizers who were so-called believers in ‘woo.’ This year, it seems the skeptics and atheists are leading the charge against Rebecca.”

After the meeting, an anonymous female organizer approached this reporter.

“Sure we have some sexism issues to work out, but that doesn’t mean Rebecca isn’t a (expletive deleted)!”

Also in The Babbler:

Military joins search for illegal South Elgin UFO base

Iran threatens Bolingbrook women who post without wearing burkas

Claar: We are not building a microwave weapon!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/13/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2012!

2011-12-30T16:53:00.000-08:00

Will Tim Tebow die to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packer fan?

Once again, 2011 was a banner year for our psychics. They predicted that Jennifer McCreight wouldn’t organize another Boobquake, and that Obama would avoid another government shutdown.

The Chicago Skeptics might argue Greenland didn’t fall into the sea, Roger Claar didn’t appoint Bolingbrook’s government, and Dr. Oz wasn’t confronted by Orac in Chicago.

True. Predicting the future is not an exact science. But we will point out that Dr. Oz was confronted by Dr. Steven Novella on the Dr. Oz show. Hey, sometimes its hard to tell skeptical doctors apart.

So with that, we’re proud to present our psychics predictions for 2012. They may shock you, but when these events happen, don’t say you weren’t warned!

----

Shortly after midnight on New Year’s Day, Jenny McCarthy will try to interview someone in Times Square for ABC. The Skeptical Ninja will jump into the shot, holding a pro-vaccination sign. McCarthy will pepper spray her, and then she will be dragged away by the police. In a later interview, The Skeptical Ninja will say it was worth it because she got more publicity than the anti-vaccination ad showing on one of the big screens.

----

During a Bolingbrook Village Board meeting, Bonnie Alicea, who ran against Mayor Roger Claar in 2009, will try to speak during the public comments portion of the agenda. Before she can, Occupy Bolingbook will do a “mic check.” They will condemn both Alicea and Claar for their ties to businesses. Occupy will shout that Bolingbrook deserves a better choice for mayor in 2013.

Both will look on in stunned silence. When Occupy finishes, Claar will order the police to remove the protesters and then “reluctantly” allow Bonnie to speak.

----

Following rumors that Lisle will change its name to “The Village of Lisle Sponsored By Navistar,” hundreds of residents will pack into the board room to protest.

After his fifth denial, Mayor Joe Broda will shout, “We’re not changing the name of the village. Find something else to complain about!”

Broda will later apologize for the remark, but many will assume it means that the village board really will change the name of the village.

----

Mayor Claar will gain national notoriety when he comments about The Dark Knight Rises during a board meeting.

“I wish my young friends could see a movie about truly heroic characters. Not one about two mumbling men beating the stuffing out of each other.”

When the video gets on YouTube, the village will be flooded with letters from angry Batman fans. Claar will refuse to apologize, and this will be noted by some very powerful people

----

The Green Bay Packers and the Denver Broncos will meet in the Super Bowl.

Before the start of the second overtime, Broncos’ quarterback Tim Tebow will collapse and die. Though an autopsy will determine that Tebow had a previously undiagnosed heart condition, many Christians will say he died to absolve humanity of the sin of being a Packers' fan.

----

After Mitt Romney barely secures enough delegates to win the Republican Nomination, he announces that he never intended to run for President, and won’t accept the nomination.

After months of arguing, and a brokered convention, Mayor Roger Claar becomes the Republican nominee for President.

As he approaches the stage to make his acceptance speech, Michelle Bachmann also approaches the stage. She tells Claar that she is the nominee. Claar reminds her that she has zero delegates, and suspended her campaign after losing the Minnesota Caucus. She replies that obviously they want her back, so she is unsuspending her campaign and doing away the formality of voting.

Security eventually removes Bachmann, and Claar makes his acceptance speech around midnight Eastern time.

----

Radio Astronomer Nicole Gugliucci will solve the mystery of the Dr Who episodes broadcasting from space.

“It’s not aliens!” Gugliucci will say. “It’s caused by black holes!”

She explains that TV signals from Earth are entering a four black hole solar system. While some signals enter one of the black holes, the distorted space time field bends the signals back towards Earth. The Dr. Who episodes just happen to be the signals that survive.

“There are about 106 episodes that the BBC lost. I’m sure the black holes will send all of them back to us! I can’t wait.”

----

After a bitter and some times violent campaign, President Obama wins the Electoral College, but loses the popular vote.

The Supreme Court is asked to rule on the election. The world is stunned when they agree to hear the case.

The Court rules that in this specific election, the Electoral College is unconstitutional because corporations were not given a direct vote, and each elector is bound to support a specific candidate.

The election is sent to the House of Representatives. Despite days of rioting in Washington DC, Obama will not be considered by the House. Instead, Democrats and Republicans compromise and elect Jeb Bush as the next President.

----

Skeptics act smug as the world does not end in 2012. They will be surprised, however, when they realize that there was no major Internet controversy involving Rebecca Watson.

Also in The Babbler:

Happy New Year from The Babbler

God refuses to heal Jay Cutler

Bolingbrook Patch readers only interested in bad news!

God to smite bolingbrook on 1/2/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Happy Boxing Day!

2011-12-26T17:51:00.000-08:00

Publisher Chris Olson

Editor Sara Langston

Reader's Editor Doug Fields

Happy Boxing day from the Staff of The Babbler. We're taking the day off, but keep an eye on this site for our shocking predictions for 2012!

We'll also have a very special announcement in 2012!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Santa gets Bolingbrook business license at the last minute.

2011-12-24T20:31:00.000-08:00

Santa won't get arrested in Bolingbrook this year for breaking and entering. Thanks to an emergency vote by the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees, Santa now a one year license to "run a surprise delivery business within the boundaries of Bolingbrook."

"The credit really goes to Mayor Roger Claar." Said a village official who asked not to be identified. "He remembered on Christmas Eve that they forgot to give Santa his annual license to deliver presents. So while another mayor would have given up and told the police to ignore an obvious crime, Roger solved the problem."

According to the sources, Claar ordered the trustees to an emergency meeting. The trustees, not wanting to miss Christmas Eve dinner, quickly granted Santa's annual license for 2011. Claar then ordered the police ignore Santa.

"The last thing this village needs is to known as the place that arrested Santa." Claar allegedly said. "Can you imagine how that would harm our efforts to attract new business?"

This secret tradition started in 1966. Some residents were concerned that if Santa could enter homes without a warrant, a future police department might cite the "Santa Prescient" to enter homes at any time.

"This was before 9/11 of course." Said a village historian who asked not to be identified.

When asked to comment, Claar yelled, "It's Christmas Eve! I'm trying to eat dinner with my family! And no, my daughter will not run for mayor in 2013, and she's not getting married to an alien prince! Merry Christmas!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Watchdogs of Bolingbrook cancels “Until Roger Quits” campaign

2011-12-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sources with connections within the “Watchdogs of Bolingbrook” blog say they have canceled a campaign against Mayor Roger Claar.

The campaign, “Until Roger Quits,” was inspired by the “Until Abortion Ends.” campaign. Like that campaign, village residents were asked to make a sacrifice until Claar resigns, or is voted out of office.

“They expected people to make minor sacrifices, like giving up coffee, or soda.” Said a source. “People are giving up for those things for something a major as abortion. They thought people wouldn’t go that far for Roger. Just enough to make a point.”

Instead, the sources agree that two people were injured only a few days before announcing the campaign.

Paul Z Liano, a 12 year Bolingbrook resident, claims he tried to hold his breath until Mayor Claar resigned.

“Roger wants to turn Bolingbrook into a Socialist republic!” Cried Liano. “I had to do something. So I sent him an e-mail, and started holding my breath!” After several attempts, Liano became frustrated.

“I knew he doesn’t always respond to e-mails, but come on!” Said Liano. Liano then put tape over his mouth and nose. Liano then remembers waking up in Adventist Bolingbrook.

“The nurses said that Roger saved my life. He sent the police to check up on me, and they rescued me. (Expletive Deleted!) Thanks to our mayor, I’m tied up in his hospital! I’m not suicidal! I’m a political prisoner of Roger!”

Donald, who asked that we not use his last name, claims that he gave up sobriety.

“If Roger is going to socialize my water, I was going to drink booze instead.” Said Donald. “So I parked myself in a bar, and sent Roger a text message.”

Donald drank. And Drank. And Drank. Until he woke up in Adventist.

“I asked them for a drink, and they gave me water. Water! I don’t want Roger’s water! I want my booze. I have a First Amendment right to drink booze until Roger resigns!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Watchdogs denied they even considered an “Until Roger Quits” campaign.

“Until Roger quits, you have a choice. You’re either with us, or you’re against us. If you’re against us, then you’re with Roger. If you’re with Roger, you’re with the local 1 percent. If you’re with the local 1 percent, that makes you evil!”

When this reporter called Claar, his receptionist said he was too busy to comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Until Bonnie stops complaining, I’m going to keep running my village!”

Also in The Babbler:

Typhon the Terrible visits Clow UFO Base.

South Elign: We don’t have too many police officers!

Happy Holidays from The Babbler

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Adele leaves Clow UFO Base rolling in the boos

2011-12-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Adele, minutes before her alien audience rioted.
(Photo based on a work by Nikotransmission)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base continued a holiday tradition with another disastrous holiday concert.

The concert ended with 130 arrests, 240 injuries, and a classified amount of property damage.

“We prefer to highlight the lack of deaths and drug related arrests.” Said John X. Riverton, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs. “Try going to human concert without getting a contact high. You couldn’t get high at our Winter Festival of Human Music.”

Riverton also denied that concert’s problem was related to “the curse” of Chicago radio personalities Eric and Kathy.

“Eric and Kathy used their only hosting opportunity to tell The Aristocrats joke. Not only did they offend the morally upright visitors, they also bored the more open-minded civilizations present with their PG-13 version of the joke. Despite the interstellar legends, Eric and Kathy did not curse our concerts after being barred for life. Our past performers were perfectly bad on their own.”

The theme for this year’s concert was “Modern Western Hemisphere Dance Music.” Sources close to the planning of the concert, felt that they could avoid past problem by focusing on one genre of music.

“If we just used some artists featured on B96, it would be simple.” Said a source. “We figured they’d turn on their synthesizers, do a dance, lip-sync, and collect their paycheck. It didn’t work out that way.”

The concert started slow with a performance by artist September. Some in the audience were warned after trying to scan her thoughts.

“I just wanted to experience the party in her head.” Said Rin Gansu from Kepler 35c.

The concert took a turn for the worst when a very pregnant Dev took the stage. Dev sat down throughout her entire performance, drinking water and eating food.

“Yum! Pickled chocolate!” Exclaimed Dev. “You guys really are from an advanced civilization!”

Near the middle of her performance, a hackler slammed her lack of dancing.

“I am came here to watch electronically enhanced human mating rituals!” Said the unidentified heckler. “I do not need to watch the product of those rituals. I examine them every day.

“You try (expletive deleted) dancing while carrying a baby!” Countered Dev.

“I can fix that problem!” Yelled the heckler. When the Men in Blue started dragging the heckler away, it added, “Only temporarily! I meant only temporarily!”

While performing her hit song, “In The Dark,” the audience turned against her when she sang, “Sex/Drugs/Push to start.” Dev stopped her performance, and cried, “You guys think I would do that while pregnant? (Expletive deleted) you! (Expletive deleted) all of you! I hope you get AIDS the next time you stick an anal probe into someone!”

She cried while running off stage.

Adele shocked the audience when she walked on stage wearing a cowboy hat and Country-Western styled dress. The audience grumbled when announced that she would only perform songs from her upcoming album. The grumbles turned into screams as fiddle music came out of the speakers, and her dancers started square dancing.

Adele only got five minutes into her performance before some members of the audience started rioting. The Men in Blue fired tear gas and riot foam into the crowd Adele was hurriedly escorted off stage while authorities restored order. The crowd cheered after a Man in Blue announced that she would not finish her performance.

“Country music is universally hated!” Said an anonymous staff member. “She could have started a war. What was she thinking? Why couldn’t she sing one of her songs about being dumped by a guy? Getting rejected by a mate is a universal theme!”

Backstage, the 23 year old British artist explained herself.

“I should have been the headlining act, but they gave it to Kesha!” Said Adele. “If they’re not going to appreciate my music, then why should they care what I sing. I made this my Bob Dylan goes electric moment! So what if they didn’t like it. They’re aliens. That means they’re alien! So why should I care that a bunch of aliens from an alien planet like Kesha better than a nice woman with a critically acclaimed singing voice! I’m not bitter! I said I’m not bitter. After they wipe my memory , I’ll find someone better then those aliens! I don’t have to be universally loved. I just have to find one person to love me. Just one!”

Adele ran away, bursting into tears.

After restoring order, Clow officials nervously awaited the start of Kesha’s performance.

“We told her not to make things worse.” Said another staff member. “But you never know with those music-star types.”

Their fears eased, when Kesha walked on staged wand waved to the cheering crowd.

“The Internet says I’m bigger than The Beatles!” Yelled Kesha. “Let’s dance!”

The aliens seems to enjoy her performance, and The Men in Blue stood down.

“Kesha excites all ten of my senses!‘ Said Mu Goo, a fan who traveled all the way from the Small Magellanic Cloud to see her.

After the show, she dismissed her critics.

“Big stars like me can be so competitive.” Said Kesha. “It’s really stupid, if you think about it. I mean we’re all going to end up on a VH1 reality show at the end of our careers. It’s unavoidable, so all you can do is enjoy the ride before you’re at the mercy of a reality show producer.”

Kesha sniffed herself. After liberally using body spray on herself, she splashed glitter all over her body and face.

“Better.” She said.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment because, “He is practicing martial arts on his desk.”

Also in The Babbler:

Tim Tebow: God doesn’t love me more than The Bears

Aliens celebrate Bolingbrook Raider’s State Football Championship

Claar: I won’t ask the military to indefinitely detain Bonnie.

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/16/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Letters to the Editor: Skeptics, Bug Foot and Occupation!

2011-12-05T20:38:00.001-08:00

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here. It took awhile, but we finally have a batch of letters to worthy of publishing. Sure you can post a comment on the site, but only a worthy few will get a letter to the editor published. If you think you’re up to the challenge, send an e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com.

The first letter is from our rivals, The Chicago Skeptics. Apparently they’re holding some kind of convention.

To the Editor:
Registration is now open for SkeptiCamp Chicago 2012, an open skeptical convention which takes place on January 28, 2012.

SkeptiCamps are informal, lively and entertaining day-long events where participants gather to learn and talk science and critical thinking. The last SkeptiCamp in Chicago, Skepchicamp 2010, had over seventy participants. Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012 aims to provide a platform for all skeptics to share their favorite subjects with the rest of the skeptical community. The public is invited to SkeptiCamp 2012 to engage in conversation and exercise critical thinking in the exploration of issues new and old. All attendees are encouraged to participate by either speaking or helping out.

SkeptiCamp 2012 has 15 speaker slots. First time speakers are encouraged to try making a presentation in a supportive, friendly environment. If there are more speakers than slots, speech topics will be brought for a vote. There will also be space for poster presentations.
Anyone interested in participating should go to http://j.mp/ChicagoSkepticamp. More information about SkeptiCamps around the world can be found at http://skepticamp.org/.

The Chicago Skepics and Chicago SkeptiCamp 2012

Chicago, IL

Hmm. If it is open to everyone, maybe they’ll let our open-minded readers give a presentation. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.

Who knows? Maybe this will be the year they let Anti-psychic kitty speak.

Speaking of the skeptics, our last article about a confrontation between Occupy Chicago and local skeptics produced this letter:

To the Editor:

I hope we annoy the one percent as much as those so-called skeptics annoyed us!

Anonymous

Chicago, IL

Welcome to our world, Mr. 99 percent.

Finally, we have a followup to one of our stories from June.

To the Editor:

Despite years of study, so-called skeptics have criticized my theory that a half-insect, half-human creature lives in Oswego, IL. So I, along with my fellow researchers, have reevaluated the evidence.

In my last book, I claimed that the creature was the famed Skepchick Bug Girl. It is now apparent that several years ago, the Bug Girl handle was secretly handed over a respected entomologist. The government thought they could fool me, but they didn’t! I, and my fellow researchers, have no interest in this fake Bug Girl.

Though I am certain the creature still runs a blog, she does not post under the handle, Bug Girl. We are actively searching Google, and I am confident we will find this creature’s new blog!

Starting now, to avoid any confusion, we will now refer to the creature as Bug Foot!

Some have criticized all the cryptozoological field research in Oswego, calling it tasteless. I say that your sense of taste ends with humanity’s right to know the truth. The truth is, Bug Foot is out there in Oswego, and when we find her, we will study her in her natural environment! The honor of getting the first fuzzy video of her is worth the risk of getting shot by Oswego’s unenlightened residents!

Jules Roberts

Minneapolis, MN

We appreciate your dedication to the truth. Just try to stay on public property, and don’t break any laws.

Also in The Babbler:

Mediums: Ron Santo thankful for election into Baseball Hall of Fame

Martian Colonists: Mayor Claar is the reason we don’t destroy the Earth!

Number Crunchers Clow will still hold their holiday brunch

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web Exclusive: Interstellar Court tosses Burzynski Clinic lawsuit

2011-11-29T20:34:00.001-08:00

By Reporter X

An extraterrestrial judge threw out a libel suit filed on behalf of The Burzynski Clinic.

“In all my years serving on interstellar courts, I have never seen such an abuse of libel laws.” Said Judge Kilos Surgon of the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit. “Well, except in the United Kingdom, of course.”

The suit, filed by the firm of Kuazon and Corplos, accused famed Interstellar skeptic Dischum of “attempting to destroy the reputation of the brave maverick Dr. Stanislaw R. Burzynski and his struggle against Oncology!”

The plaintiffs specifically mentioned this quote from Dischum: “Based on what I have read in posts by Dr. David Gorski, Andy Lewis, and Rhys Morgan, in the medical media, I do not believe in his antineoplastons treatment.”

Before the defense could state their case, the judge asked if the plaintiffs had objective scientific proof that Burzynski’s treatment worked.

“Why should we let science stand in the way of justice?”

“Why should justice obscure the truth?” Retorted the judge.

“Because it’s justice?” Answered the plaintiffs.

The judge dismissed the case without listening to the defense.

A spokesperson said the firm would appeal.

“Justice is the highest ideal in galaxy! Why should we let the so-called seekers of truth and their science based minions obscure justice? Dr. Burzynski is not getting justice because interstellar scientists won’t give him credit for his hard work. You can’t test for hard work!”

The firm also confirmed that they were not commissioned by the clinic to file the lawsuit. Instead, they file lawsuits like these in Interstellar Court. Any winnings are kept by the firm until humanity is allowed to learn the truth about the interstellar community. Until that time, the firm collects the interest on the winnings.

“This is a win-win.” Said the spokesperson. “We will earn money in the short run. Burzynski’s decedents will eventually get a large lump sum payment.”

Dischum could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for the clinic yelled something about an “Internet lynch mob!” and hung up.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Occupied Chicagoland: A Babbler special report

2011-11-28T21:15:00.001-08:00

Anti-psychic Kitty poses for an Occupy Bolingbrook picture.

Anti-psychic kitty elected leader of Occupy Bolingbrook

The most skeptical creature on Earth and columnist for The Babbler, Anti-psychic kitty is now the leader of Occupy Bolingbrook.

“After we setup the Meetup page, we realized that we needed someone to distract (Mayor) Roger (Claar).” Said Robert Finn, one of organizers of Occupy Bolingbrook. “So we thought we’d follow Occupy Denver’s example and elect an animal as our leader.”

A self-described fan of The Babbler, Finn said Anti-psychic Kitty was an obvious choice for the general assembly. “All three, I mean all of us, like his work. He’s the smartest columnist in Bolingbrook. Plus his anti-psychic powers will prevent Roger from using psychics from spying on us. Not that we have anything to hide, except where the first camp site will be. We want him to be surprised when we pitch the tents!

Finn also hopes that Anti-psychic Kitty will use his column space to promote the 99 Percent movement.

Anti-psychic Kitty, speaking through a facilitator communicator, accepted the position.

“I doubt I was elected to lead the group, and that’s OK. It may be a joke to them, but to me, it is an opportunity. An opportunity to talk to Mayor Claar about how the foreclosure crisis victimizes pets. Maybe he can help spread the word that pets shouldn’t be left in abandon homes. Cats, like me, love our homes, but we also love our families and we like to be fed and watered. Dying alone in a dark cold home is a terrible way to go. People should also support shelters like Humane Haven Animal Shelter.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I refuse to negotiate with The Babbler’s sock puppet! If they want to camp in our parks, they better tell me in person! I’ll even let them do that hand waving thing!”

Occupy Naperville considers expanding to Sundays.

Sources with friends within Occupy Naperville say the group is considering marching adding Sunday marches to their schedule.

“The Saturday marches are working out for us.” Said Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name. “We hold up signs and wave American flags as we march towards the downtown. Then after the General Assembly, we’ll get a bite to eat at one of the great local restaurants, then go home. No wonder the 99 Percent movement is catching on!”

Dawn says the Sunday marches should attract more participants.

“I can picture people coming out of church, feeling Christ-like and wanting to do good in the world. They can keep that feeling going by marching with us, and then making a donation to the local food bank. It doesn’t get more Christ like than that.”

Joan, a long time resident, hates the critics who question why Occupy Naperville doesn’t have a camp site.

“You don’t have to get dirty to protest injustice in this country. We’re fortunate enough to enjoy the Naperville lifestyle, but the One Percent are endangering our way of life! They get tax cuts, while we get cuts to our schools, our police, and our summer events! That’s just not right! Plus think of the damage they’re doing to the less fortunate communities!”

The part time protests are still too much for some residents.

“We’re Naperville, and we have a reputation to uphold.” Said Paula Z. Fly. “Protests aren’t part of that reputation. That’s for the South suburbs and downtown Chicago. We moved here to get away from that. I wish these protesters would realize how fortunate they are to have freedom of speech and just shut up!”

Occupy Chicago clashes with a pub of skeptics

What was expected to be a peaceful general assembly turned into verbal clash with the local skeptical community.

During a speech in support of alternative medicine, 10 local skeptics stood up and each made wigging moose antlers with their hands. They interrupted the speaker with a “fact check.”

“Moose antlers are the symbol of skepticism.” Said the skeptics, adding that the symbol is in honor of PZ Myers. “The so-called one percent may be destroying our economy and pepper spraying our family members, but we will not sacrifice the scientific method for the sake of consensus! Reality is not up for a vote.”

The interruption irritated some of the occupiers.

“It was so groovy looking at all the happy hands.” Said April. “Then those so-called skeptics ruined it with their moose antlers. They were such dicks.”

The speaker “mic checked” about “big pharma” and the need for cheaper therapies, like acupuncture. The skeptics “fact checked” that acupuncture is no better than a placebo and was actually a tool of the “.5 percent.”

“While the poor in China got acupuncture, Mao and high ranking party officials received science based medicine. Alternative medicine exploits the 99.5 percent with distilled water and worthless needles!”

After several exchanges, Occupy Chicago tabled the resolution on alternative medicine. The “Occupy Chicago Skeptics Pub” promised to be back.

Not all were upset with the pub of skeptics.

“One of them introduced me to their philosopher, Tim Minchin.” Said Mark Bruce. “His non-violent solution to the Palestine situation is inspiring. I hope the Israeli and Palestinian members of the 99 Percent will not eat pig together! Maybe that will end the violence there!”

A spokesperson for the Chicago Skeptics denied any involvement with the pub.

“No no! We’re not organizing an occupation. We’re organizing a SkeptiCamp! It’s kind of like Occupy in that it’s very democratic. Except we’re not occupying the streets, but a bar. That we’re renting a room in. Oh, and we’ll eat peppers instead of being pepper sprayed.”

Also in The Babbler:

Millions of praying Bears fans fail to heal Cutler

Mutant moles delay Boughton construction

Smugglers try to reestablish South Elgin UFO base

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Will fake artificial limbs connect with the public?

2011-11-21T19:22:00.001-08:00

An ad for a fake artificial limb.

Could the hottest Christmas gift this year be the fake artificial limb? Chicago Express Prosthetics hopes so.

“Now you don’t have to be veteran, diabetic, or have an unfortunate accident in order to enjoy one of our fine prosthetics.” Said Paul Kramerson, owner of CEP.

The limbs are actually plastic covers that can be placed over an arm or a leg. CEP makes standard sizes that can be ordered on their web site. They will, for an undisclosed fee, create custom “limbs” for walk-in customers.

“Sure you can put a tattoo on your arm.” Said Kramerson. “But you can do so much more with our covers. We can add an iPod holder, spell-out your name with embedded fake diamonds, or add sound activated lights. Our old customers wanted prosthetics that bended in with their bodies. The next generation of customers can expect a fuller, more entertaining experience with our fake artificial limbs.”

Kramerson hopes the plaster the Web with ads by Friday, and start taking web orders by Cyber Monday. He added that he already has several “high profile orders.”

“We’ve had several orders from up and coming rappers who’ve ordered our covers.” Said Kramerson. “Their fans will think they really lost a limb, and that will give them instant credibility. Sure Fifty-cent was shot, but he still has his limbs. Plus his tattoos won’t compare to our pimped out fake limbs!”

The idea for fake artificial limbs came from Jamie Henderson, a resident prosthetist at CEP. According to Henderson, she was along when an unusual visitor stopped by the office.

“He still had all of his limbs.” Said Henderson.

The visitor, according to Henderson, asked to be “pre-measured” for an artificial limb. When she asked him why, he replied that he was going to saw off his left leg.”

“He assured me that a web site taught him how to do it safely.”

When asked why, the visitor said he felt his leg was “alien” and no longer a part of him.

“It’s a prosthetist’s worst fear.” Said Henderson. “A patient with Body Integrity Identity Disorder. He was right in front of me, and there was no one in the office I could ask for help.”

After failing to persuade the visitor to accept his leg, Henderson offered a compromise.

“I had some old parts from my other projects. I didn’t have much time, so clubbed together a cover for his leg. When I put it on him, I said that he could now enjoy the stiffness and discomfort of an artificial limb without the risk of an amputation. If it looked alien to him, than he could accept that it wasn't part of him. ”

The next day, the visitor called Kramerson.

“He kept going on about how he loved his leg again.” Said Kramerson. “He also said that his friends wanted their own covers. At first, I wanted to have a long talk with Jamie, but then I recognized the beginning of a viral marketing campaign!”

If the covers catch on this Christmas season, Kramerson hopes that the mass produced parts will also lead to higher profit margins for their real prosthetic products.

“I wouldn’t have handled that patient the way Jamie did.” Said Kramerson. “But thanks to her quick thinking, I’m going to own a very profitable company. Bring on the Medicare cuts! I’m ready!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar: Don’t occupy Americana Estates!

Wereturkeys spotted in Chicago

Homeopaths fail to cure Jay Cutler

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Web exclusive: The ‘one percent’ criticize Bolingbrook Police Department for ‘insufficient brutality’

2011-11-20T11:13:00.001-08:00

The ‘one percent’ sent a message to Bolingbrook’s village government criticizing their response to Tuesday’s protest against Rep. Adam Kinzinger and Condoleezza Rice.

“Your police department showed insufficient brutality when confronted with an Occupy front group.” Read the courier message, which was delivered to Trustee Rick Morales, who is also vice-president of commercial banking at Charter One Bank. “Perhaps you did not get the memo from our last meeting. We clearly stated that any Occupy protest must be met with a minimum of 20 arrests. Pepper sprayed individuals count towards that quota. Your officers did even attempt to inflict discomfort on any rabble.”

The ‘one percent’ reminded village officials that they would be compensated for the “inconvenience” of “aggressively enforcing Time Place and Manner restrictions.” They also promised to flood all local media with “messages designed to support the police department and belittle residents making less than two million dollars.”

Officer Bob, who asked that we not use his last name, defended the Bolingbrook police.

“They were just holding up signs outside the golf club.” Said Bob. “They didn’t disrupt the meeting. Heck, they didn’t even do a mic check. They protested, and we made sure it didn’t get out of hand.”

Officer John, who also asked that we not use his last name, said the department can’t afford any more controversy. “Have you ever sat through a training session telling you not to date a minor, or make your wife disappear? I’d never felt so insulted in my life, and I don’t want to go through that again.”

Added Office Bob, “We’re part of the 99% too. We just want to make Bolingbrook safe from gangs, petty criminals, domestic abusers, and obnoxious teenagers. Beating up peaceful protesters doesn’t help.”

Chief of Police Kevin McCarthy and Mayor Roger Claar refused to comment for his article.

The Babbler did receive a copy of Claar’s response to the ‘one percent.’

“Next time you have a complaint about Bolingbrook, send the message directly to me, and then I will forward it to my trustees! You may be the richest one percent in America, but when it comes to Bolingbrook, I’m number one!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Mayor Claar defends Carl Sagan Day trip to intergalactic space

2011-11-14T19:51:00.001-08:00

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar defended his trip last week to watch the Milky Way rise over the horizon of a planet.

“Sure it was great to see a spectacular view.” Said Claar, “It was also a business trip to generate more trade in Bolingbrook. Did I mention that I didn’t spend a single dime of covert tax money?”

Gaxton, a planet with a full evening view of the entire Milky Way, is a popular tourist attraction, and a busy Intergalactic trading post. According to Claar, administrators from Earth Intergalactic bases will gather on Gaxton to celebrate Carl Sagan’s birthday.

“Carl believed in the beauty of the cosmos, and the importance of contact with other civilizations. Gaxton is where Carl’s dream comes true. I can enjoy the view while talking about intergalactic trade.”

Intergalactic trade, according to Claar, is important to Bolingbrook’s covert future.

“Earth’s economic recovery is too damn slow. The Milky Way's economy is about to go into another depression. Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an economic boom. They’re buying and we’re selling at good prices.”

When asked, Claar couldn’t cite a specific trade agreement he had negotiated during the trip, but said there was potential.

“Our gravel is the finest gravel in the Milky Way.” Exclaimed Claar. “Any merchant from Andromeda can make a profit from the 5 year round trip. Plus, we don’t have the burdensome taxes you’ll find at other urban UFO bases. Seattle’s base comes to mind.”

Claar also denied charges by The Number Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was trying to exploit Sagan’s birthday as an excuse to take a vacation.

“The black ops section of Skeptours had a great deal for this trip. They’re a private company, not taxpayer funded. Sure I had to spend a few days with some skeptics, but I learned things. Did you know that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth? The New World Order wanted to give him plausible deniability whenever he talked about UFOs. That’s sad. He would have liked meeting some of the aliens I’ve met.”

He also added that he didn’t spend any of Bolingbrook’s funds to buy a ticket.

“All the funds came from my new charity.” Said Claar. “Just like my wife helps human at risk youth, my new foundation helps Clow’s at risk alien youth to become good interstellar citizens. With the donations I’m amassing, this trip will pay for itself, and raise money for a good cause.”

When the Milky Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics.

“Carl once said, ‘A still more glorious dawn awaits.’ Since the true leaders of humanity won’t let us destroy ourselves, someday we will travel here without alien assistance. I just wish Carl could have lived to see that day.”

Also in The Babbler:

Anarchists kicked out of Occupy Oswego

Aliens deny stealing Perry and Cain’s brains

Claar: No fracking under my home!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/11

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2006: Senator Barrack Obama conciliatory to Martian Colonial ambassador

2011-11-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

After meeting with the ambassador from the Martian Colonies at Clow UFO Base, Illinois Senator Barrack Obama briefly addressed the visitors and staff.

“There has been too much hatred between the Colonies and Earth.” Said Obama, “So I want to say, yes. Yes, we can compromise.”

Obama spent most of the speech explaining why the current course of Colonial/Earth relations is not sustainable.

“I want to change this discourse between our civilizations. We can change so that the colonies do not feel the need to destroy Earth. We can be the change that saves our planet.”

Obama also attacked “extremists on both sides” for the tense relations between the two worlds.

“Now some people in the New World Order, say, ‘Senator! You want to give the Colonies 95% of what they want before we start negotiating. Aren’t you betraying the human race?’ I say getting five percent of what you want is better than getting nothing. On our current course, they will give us nothing, and we will have nothing. There will be nothing left of Earth.”

Obama said that despite the criticisms, humanity will do what is best for its survival.

“I have the audacity to hope that the leaders on both worlds will turn away from the hateful path we are on. I hope that they will change course, and lead us on a path that will allow both our civilizations to share this blessed solar system.”

The crowd gave the senator a standing ovation as he called upon God to bless both civilizations. Clow staff members started chanting, “Yes, we can compromise!”

Obama’s speech even moved the normally stoic ambassador.

“Truly this is the best living speaker your civilization has! We were going to ask for 99% of what we wanted, but after this speech, we’ll only ask for 96% of what we want.”

The senator smiled, and replied, “Thank you. I will remember this the next time I am faced with a difficult negotiation. Compromise is the key!”

After the speech, Obama briefly spoke with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Nice speech.” Said Claar. “You know, not that I should be giving you this advice, but you should considering shortening it a bit. Maybe take out a few words. Then you’ll have a great speech to give on the campaign trail.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Replied Obama.

“Don’t be too happy. Next time, we’ll run either an Illinois resident or a veteran or both against you.”

“I look forward to the challenge.”

“We’ll also bring up Reverend Jeremiah Wright.”

Obama smiled. “I doubt anyone will care about him.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2005 ‘Katrina Abductor’ arrested at Clow UFO Base

2011-11-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue arrested an alien suspected of being the “The Katrina Abductor.” He is suspected of abducting New Orleans residents during Hurricane Katrina.

“Our agents identified themselves to the suspect, and he was arrested without incident.” Said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “There is no truth to the rumor that we were disappointed in his surrender, and we were not going to test a new death ray on him.”

The suspect, Que Gai from Alpha Centauri, waved to interstellar reporters as he was escorted to a cell.

“I have nothing to be ashamed of!” Exclaimed Gai. “History will vindicate me!”

He waved at five cheering supporters, before stepping into the holding area.

“He saved lives.” Said Sargos, who asked that we not identify his planet or use his other four name parts. “There was no reason for your New World Order to impose a no-fly zone during the hurricane. We could have saved lives if they had let us.”

“Valuable humans were drowning!” Exclaimed Staco Pasca. “They shot their noise makers into the air to cry out for help. Instead of helping, your rescuers hid in fear. I wish I had been as brave as Gai was. I like my life, but so do the humans he saved.”

Smith, during the press conference, asked the media to listen to both sides.

“The ‘Katrina Abductor’ kidnapped New Orleans residents during a stressful event, and asked them to become permanent test subjects. The middle of a Category 5 hurricane is no time to get a consent scan. He exploited his victims.”

A member of Gai’s legal team would neither confirm nor deny if his client is the abductor. He did say that the no-fly zone was unlawful, and any violations were justified.

“If my client had flown into Katrina, he did so in a craft that could fly inside The Great Red Spot. So he was justified in trying to save intelligent beings from crudely maintained levees.”

To date, none of the Abductor’s subjects have been located. Authorities hope to use enhanced interrogation to find their location. They hope to return the subjects to society after altering their memories.

“No one should have to choose between drowning or being a lab rat!” Said Smith.

Update: Gai was found guilty in 2007, and exiled from Earth. His subjects were found on Mars. Three decided to say on Mars, while the rest were returned to New Orleans.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2004: Bolingbrook Community Television bans “Fishing Boat” political ads

2011-11-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

The mayoral election isn’t until 2005, but Bolingbrook Community Television has already banned 10 attack ads against Mayor Roger Claar.

The ads, produced by a group called Fishermen for Bolingbrook, are narrated by alleged former fishing buddies. In the ads, the alleged buddies attack Claar’s devotion to Bolingbrook.

“I heard Roger talking about a fish he caught.” Said alleged buddy Paul. “He put his hands out this far to describe how big the fish was. I was there. I saw that fish. He could have stretched his hands out much further. So I wonder. If he won’t stretch just a few more inches for a fish, will he also refuse to go the extra mile for Bolingbrook? Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who will do more for Bolingbrook. Roger won’t do that.”

In another ad, John, an alleged friend, questions Claar’s sanity.

“We were in our fishing boat on Hidden Lakes.” Said John. “Roger told me that in four years, a lake would appear next to Royce Road. Now I don’t know about you, but lakes just don’t suddenly appear. I like my friend Roger, but I question his judgment. So next year, I’m not going to vote for him, and I urge you to do the same. Maybe he’ll get the help he needs.”

According to village officials, it is illegal to put a boat on Hidden Lakes.

A spokesperson for BCTV explained the bans.

“For some reason, the producers keep submitting videos that aren’t broadcast quality. There are people who watch our channel, and we owe it to them to show videos that are more than moving blobs of color.”

Some sources within BCTV disagree. The videos are broadcast quality, but the Village told BCTV not to show the videos.

Said one source, “The village has the right to refuse to show videos on BCTV. So obviously a video attacking the mayor won’t be allowed to air.”

Another source said that Claar isn’t aware of the videos, but Village Clerk Carol Penning, is.

“I was looking for Roger.” Said the source. “Instead, I saw Carol, and told her about the first video. She just smiled and pointed to her What Would Roger Do bracelet. We got the message.”

Penning refused to be interviewed.

When this reporter tried to call Claar for a comment, his receptionist said he was busy.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “Back off Karl! Or I’ll tell the world you’re an atheist. I mean it.” He paused and then added, “I don’t practice golf everyday!” Later, he continued, “No one is running against me in 2005.” Then he finally said, “Fine! I dare you to run a candidate against me in 2009!”

The Babbler could not locate the producers of the ads. The cell phone number for one of the producers is from the Washington, DC area.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2003: Sources: Former governor Howard Dean using mind control to win Iowa Caucus!

2011-11-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

Former Vermont governor Howard Dean is using highly advanced mind control techniques to win the Iowa Caucus, say sources.

“The governor is using cutting-edge techniques to warp people’s perceptions and trick them into voting for him.” Said Kay Amrent, a journalism professor at the University of Iowa. “Young people are susceptible to his sophisticated devices! If only it were legal to use them in class.”

Some say that Dean is using the Internet to spread his propaganda in Iowa. This could explain why he has a large number of Internet donors who give an average of less than $80.

Paul, who asked not to be identified, is one such donor.

“I was, um, doing research on line.” He said. “So I took a break and read Daily Kos. For some reason, I felt compelled to read this one diary. Before I knew it, I was on Howard’s web site. The last thing I remember, I saw a bat. I had to go to bat for Howard! Then I woke up, and saw that I had my credit card out! I gave money to him. Since I gave him money, I thought I might as well volunteer!”

His mind control isn’t limited to the Internet, says some. Jean Cubby, a Coralville resident, claims she was brought under his spell.

“I was reading the Socialist Worker, when someone knocked on my door.” Said Cubby. “When I opened the door, I saw the orange cap. Suddenly I felt the urge to discard the socialist revolution, and join the Dean revolution!” Cubby started to cry. “I was going to give up the true revolution in exchange for passing health care reform, a middle class tax cut, and ending the war in Iraq. Good thing I have years of enlightenment, I mean awareness, I mean education. I would have fallen under his spell.”

Professor Jon. Z. Lee from the University of Northern Iowa, believes Dean is using mind control, but doubts its effectiveness in Iowa.

“We’re the experts on political (expletive deleted).” Said Lee. “I doubt his web sites and hats can maintain control over the average caucus goer. I’m sure one of his opponents, maybe Gephardt, will launch an attack against him that will break the spell. It will destroy that candidate’s chances, but it will mean someone other than Dean will win.”

Lee, however, thinks Dean’s mind control efforts could win over the rest of the country. “Candidates who win Iowa rarely win the general election. Just ask President Dole. You know, as long as Howard doesn’t act like a screaming madman trying to conquer the United Sates, he could defeat George Bush.”

A contact at Dean headquarters answered the phone, asking if this reporter would “Go to Bat for Howard.” After saying no, the contact hung up the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2002: TSA screeners disrupt Clow UFO base

2011-11-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

By Reporter X

Three weeks after being deployed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base, Transportation Administration Screeners are drawing the ire of both aliens and staff. Some anonymous sources fear the new screeners could damage relations between Earth and the Interstellar community.

“I couldn’t bring my new tools onto my spacecraft.” Said Wygo. “They said I had to check my luggage. I told them it was my ship, and I wasn’t a passenger. They didn’t care. It was the rules.”

Wygo ended up “checking” his toolkit and then getting it out of the cargo bay.

“What a waste of my time and their resources!” Exclaimed Wygo. “They should be looking for terrorists, not harassing merchants like myself.”

Paula, a Level 6 staffer, complained about the passenger screeners.

“I hate it when they decide to swipe my purse with their grubby cloths. It always sets off their machine. You know, one time I asked a TSA man when he last calibrated his machine. He said, ‘What does calibrate mean?’ Where do they get these people?”

Screener Jamie, a recent high school graduate, is proud to be part of the first TSA team at Clow. Before joining the TSA, he was hall monitor in a Chicago High School.

“I told the TSA I had security experience. During the interview, I mentioned that I loved UFOs. Now I get to secure aliens and serve my country. It beats joining the army.”

So far, there have only been two major confrontations with the TSA. In the first incident, a screen suffered minor injuries after being attacked by an alien pilot. An investigation revealed that the alien’s translation device mistranslated “I’m asking you” as “I’m axing you!” When the screener failed to show up at trial, the alien was released.

The second incident involved a screener refusing to let Mayor Roger Claar bypass security.

Eyewitnesses say when Claar approached the screener guarding the bypass lane, he was told to get in line. When Claar identified himself, the screener replied that if the mayor of Romeoville had to go through screening, so should Claar.

Claar replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook. I am no ordinary mayor, I am an ambassador and administrator of Clow UFO base! I’m also the commander of the Temporary Bolingbrook Interstellar Task Force! You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life if you don’t let me through!”

A supervisor finally intervened and confirmed that Claar could bypass security. The offending screener hasn’t been seen since.

TSA Administrator Blue, defended the TSA presence at Clow.

“Since 9/11, any aircraft entering US airspace must abide by our air security regulations. That includes interstellar spacecraft. We have reliable intelligence that the terrorists want to hijack an extraterrestrial craft and use it as a weapon of mass destruction. At this very moment, we’re trying to prove that Iraq is planning on using such a craft to destroy Washington.”

TSA screeners will remain at Clow until 2005, when the New World Order will review their performance.

Screener David hopes the TSA stays past that date.

“Sure this isn’t the best job, but it has it’s perks.” Said David. “We’ve confiscate a lot of cool stuff. I’m able to supplement my income by liberating the best stuff and selling the rights to corporations. At this rate, I’ll be able to retire two years. So I should be gone before they complete my background check!”

Blue admits that the transition to TSA security has been rough, but he is still optimistic.

“I’ll bet you by 2010, the American people will love TSA. They’ll happily go through our backscatter scanners and answer our questions. While the terrorists will always be one step ahead of us, the American people will be behind us!”

TSA screening will take over screening at American airports on 11/19/02.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Lost Years 2001: James Randi to invade Chicago!

2011-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Editor’s note: The James Randi Education Foundation would have us believe that their first Amazing Meeting occurred in 2003 at the request of their forum members. As this article from 2001 shows, our nemesis was planning for TAM much earlier than that.

Will James Randi and his skeptical foundation hold a convention in Chicago? Eyewitnesses claim that a bearded man is secretly trying to organize such a convention.

“The guy kept talking about how great James Randi is.” Said Paul Y. Thompkinson, an organizer at McCormick Place. “He’s a great magician, hates psychics, knows Johnny Carson, and has a million dollars to spare. I wasn’t that impressed, but hey. He wanted to pay us money, and I wasn’t going to refuse.”

The mystery man, said Thompkinson, believe that Randi has made a great contribution to society. The JREF wanted to hold a meeting as awesome as the man himself.

“When I showed him an estimate, he wasn’t glowing any more. I told him that union members have to put food on the table and still afford their dues.”

Thompkinson said the man decided not to rent McCormick Place.

“He said if they had 100 people at the second meeting, they might use us. Nice guy though. Wonder if I’ll ever see him again.”

Richard Saunders, an Australian origami artist visiting the US on a book tour, claims he was also approached by the mystery man. According to Saunders, the man asked him to speak at “an adventurous meeting of skeptics!” Saunders turned down offer, saying that he would be too busy with his web design job.

“Then he made sure I understood that they were committed to having a diverse group of men with beards and men without beards at this meeting. That shows forward thinking.”

Saunders, who spoke to this reporter during a book signing, said the man wanted him to speak because he will be starting web based radio show focused on skepticism, and the Australian Skeptics will honor him with a lifetime membership.

“Things are going well for me, but I have a feeling the best is yet to come.”

During the interview, a thirteen year-old woman asked for his autograph, and if he had appeared in the Harry Potter movies.

“I haven’t appeared in a movie, but I can make Harry appear before your eyes!”

Saunders then made an origami Harry Potter.

The woman squealed, and yelled, “Hey Emmet! Look what I got!”

Rebecca Watson, a visiting student from Massachusetts, said the bearded man approached her after she finished a street magic show.

“He asked where he could find the local magicians guild. I told him I didn’t know because I’m not from Chicago. I just put on a magic show to get some lunch money. I’m really here for a future copywriters convention.”

The man then told her about the JREF and their plans for “The Astonishing Meeting!” Watson didn’t know if she could make the meeting, but said the foundation sounded interesting.

“I don’t much about skepticism, but do know that Randi is the dude who took down Peter Popoff. My magician friends are saying I should learn more about skepticism, so I want to check out this foundation. I heard they have an Internet forum. Maybe they’ll allow sock puppets.”

During the interview, a man yelled threateningly obscene insults at Watson, and accused her of trying to ruin street magic. A large man, wearing a hooded robe and holding a wooden staff, yelled at the heckler and approached him.

“Leave the poor hippy chick alone. Her act isn’t bad.”

“Why do you care about what I think of that (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)! She doesn’t need you to stand up for her and her (expletive deleted) act!”

“You’re right. She can speak for herself, and I can speak for myself. You are acting like an (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted), who gives all men and all fans of magic a bad name. You’re an embarrassment to us all!”

The heckler laughed. “So what are you going to do? Fire a magic missile at me?”

The hooded man didn’t look up. “No. If you don’t stop harassing her, I’m going to (expletive deleted) your (expletive deleted) and then (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted). When I’m done with your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted), I’ll (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)! You know I’m big enough to do that.”

The heckler hurriedly walked away.

“Thanks.” Said Watson. “I guess.”

The hooded man replied. “If that man bothers you again, let me know. I’ll be upstairs with the other LARPers. Oh, and don’t take the elevator. Some of my fellow players haven’t bathed in a few days.” The man then walked into the building.

“Why do I have a feeling I’m going to see that man again?” Asked Watson.

The Chicago Association of Psychics released a statement saying that there was a strong possibility of “negative energy people” gathering in Chicago at least once a year.

“If James Randi tries to invade Chicago with his so-called skeptics, we will spiritually protest him! His million dollar prize can’t deter us from using our extra senses! We will see the greater truth and help others see that truth in exchange for reasonable fees!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.