The Brazen Hussy by Sherry Baker

PENILE PATTER

2011-08-25T22:53:00.309-04:00

(oh, don’t be a weenie, you do TOO want to read this..)

If you are of the male persuasion, admit it: you think about your penis most of the time (although, darlings, it could be argued it thinks FOR you most of the time).

So isn't it tiempo I gave IT some attention (oh, get over yourself, I'm not giving it THAT kind of attention ~~ so just skip that salacious e-mail you were momentarily thinking of sending me... UNLESS you are a perfect clone of Cary Grant).

Ah, yes. The male member.

Your linga, membrum virile, phallus, pizzle, priapus. A weenie by any other name would STILL lead you, like some powerful divining rod, into lust, love, and ludicrous situations.

But Sher, the Brazen Hussy, is here to put it ALL into perspective for you, darlings, with this special collection of phallic facts and fallacies.

So zip up your pants, put your hands in front of you, and pay attention!

Here’s what wags and wits (including lots of women, naturalmente, who, even though we do not HAVE penises, have gained quite a bit of knowledge about them in one way or the other....) have had to say about that most UPPITY part of maleness:

" A man, mangled, injured, on the way to the hospital will try to f*ck the nurse in the ambulance... a man will f*ck mud."

~~ Lenny Bruce

"People say to me, 'You're not very feminine.'

Well, they can SUCK MY DICK!" ~~ Roseanne

“ See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.“ ~~ Robin Williams

"If a penis is so great, two penises should be even greater." ~~ Letty Cottin Pogrebin

"A man is two people, himself and his cock.
A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer,being more able to show his feelings." ~~ Beryl Bainbridge

"I wonder why men can get serious at all.
They have this delicate long thing hanging outside their bodies, which goes up and down by its own will...
If I were a man, I would always be laughing at myself." -- Yoko Ono

" My brain is my second favorite organ." ~~ Woody Allen

When a friend of Tallulah Bankhead's asked her if Tyrone Power was gay, she replied:

"I don't know Dahling, he's never sucked my Dick!"

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"All jobs should be open to everybody,

unless they actually require a penis or vagina." ~~ Florynce Kennedy

"Beware of the man who denounces women writers;
his penis is tiny and he cannot spell." ~~ Erica Jong

" Rock is really about dick and testosterone. I go see a band,

I wanna f*ck the guy ~ that's the way it is..." ~~ Courtney Love

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"All that you suspect about women's friendships is true. We talk about dick size."

~~ Cynthia Heimel, who wrote Sex Tips for Girls.

Oh, What do THEY Know, Darlings!

2011-06-18T00:23:00.006-04:00

Who gets through a work-a-day week without hearing, seeing, reading about or crossing the path of someone who is, well, short in intelligence, sensitivity, judgment or just plain , come to think of it, short.. but this is not a collection of tizzies about Napoleonic complexes of the height challenged... these are words to pick you up when you are having a Bad Day at Black Rock.. or in Manhattan, or LaLa Land or whereEVAH…

Do not cry, darlings (it will give you raccoon eyes, especially if your mascara is water-proof).. and do not fret (frown lines! And Bo-tox injections can only do so much, mon ami).

Instead, read on... I promise, you'll feel much better in a momento!

Why? Because I have collected examples, sweeties, of muy estupido and even stinky critiques of all kinds of stellar talents. So when faced with the challenge of remaining your brazen selves in spite of those who do not recognize your unique fabulosity, remember to pick yourself up, dust yourself off ( preferably with something luscious smelling by Chanel) and laugh in their (no doubt boring as all get out) faces.

And, most importantly, remember these examples of who said what wrong-headed thang to which wonderous whom.

Say WHAAAAAAT?

Say... I did NOT these up:

"Her unattractive hairdo lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel." -- Henry Allen describing Lauren Bacall's always classic, from then until now, 'do.

"He's passé. Nobody cares about Mickey anymore. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can't give away. I think we should phase him out." -- Walt's brother, Roy Disney, in l937.

"Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little."
-- MGM executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's l928 screen test .

"WHO DID THIS TO ME?!!!!!!" -- the powerful studio czar Samuel Goldwyn pitching a snit fit after sitting through a “nobody” screen test in l930 ( it happened to be the screen test for Bette Davis!)

"Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it." -- blithered by long forgotten critic Bosley Crowther about the NEVER forgotten star, Loretta Young.

"No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment." -- Clifton Fadiman about Clare Booth Luce (yeah, right... Miss Luce wrote "The Women", remember, and Mr. Fadiman wrote.. well.. he wrote.. something....maybe.. at least THAT dumb line above.)

"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." -- Emmeline Snively , Director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, rejecting "not pretty enough" Marilyn Monroe in 1944 .

"A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent." -- Mr. Blackwell dissing the at-her-prime-of-gorgeousness Brigitte Bardot in l962 ( girdle? GIRDLE? Actually, La Bardot wasn't into underwear at all!.... )

SEE what I mean, darlings? There is always someone waiting to cut you down to size.. which is SUCH a waste of time because, natch, you are reading this and you are -- ta da!-- BRAZEN hussies and huss-hes.

The world is your FABO enchilada.. you just need to put on the salsa sauce (I say make it hot, Hot, HOT!)..

So the next time someone says you can’t, you aren’t, you won’t be, you’d better not……

Go out there and do something so BRAZEN people shout out Bette Midler's famous line:

"That hussy's as confident as Cleopatra's pussy!"

2011-05-27T17:33:00.001-04:00

Cliche? TOUCHE!

You never know WHAT you'll find in Sher’s Brazen Hussy blog, darlings.... news, views.. perchance, snappy repartee. But you can be sure it will NEVER be clichéd.

Well, except today... because today's Brazen Hussy blog is about – ta da -- CLICHÉS!

After all, sometimes you can't avoid them (I’ve even gone out with a few in human form)..

ANYHOO, hitch your wagon to a star as I wish a top of the morning to you and hope you aren't cold as ice as you cry uncle --just remember not to judge a book, or blog ( how DO you get this template thingie to work better) by its cover.

Ready for clinches of clichés of the cinematic kind?.... Say WHAAAT??? Say, you may recognize these stick-a-fork-in-them-they-are-waaaaay-too-overdone scenes.

Por ejemplo, have you ever noticed that when the bad guy captures the good guy, he stops for, oh, five minutes of stupid dialogue to tell the hero all his plans to murder or blow something up or, heck, just rule the planet?

Also, women can moan during sex but ever see one sweat during the act on the silver screen? Me, either.

And what about these cloy ploys people make in the language of cliché-ese.

You know, like when you dump Mr. or Ms. Wrong and you hear: "There are plenty more fish in the sea."

Yeah... and the point IS????!! What if you aren't into fish? What if the problemo in the first place was that the person's behavior was way tooooo fishy?

And, of course, there's always "All's fair in love and war."

What does that MEAN???

Oh, boy, can I use a bazooka to get even? Run over him with a tank, perchance?

And I NEVAH understood: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I prefer: "It is better to have loved and lost and come up with a TRES good plot for a thinly disguised novel that will make me loads of mula AND embarrass the you-know-what out of that famous narcissist creep than never to have loved at all."

N'est-ce pas?

Of course, clichés can be used to advantage. They are so annoying you can use them to, well, ANNOY someone..

Fresh out of clichés?. Is your back is up against the wall, time is flying, and you don't EVEN want to go there ??? Well, move OVER , darling! (OH NO.... I AM STUCK IN CLICHÉ HELL!!! .... whew! I just sloshed some ice cold champagne on my face and I’m beginning to feel much better...)

What I MEANT to say was -- go out there and do something so BRAZEN and un-clichéd people sigh, "That hussy is a walking inspiration of joie de vivre jolting originality!"

2011-05-25T22:54:00.000-04:00

Of COURSE, Size Matters!

Stressed out? Here’s a brazen hussy’s prescription (no this has NOTHING to do with Xanax) to have you feeling better, even if you aren’t feeling higher than a kite.

Say whaaaaaat?

Say forget your troubles, c’mon get yappy.

Let’s talk about total mammoth movie escapism.

You see, whatever is stressing you out could be worse. Por ejemplo, if you were higher than a kite you might meet up with a 50 foot tall termagant ( oh, go look it up!!).. or, come to think of it, you could turn INTO a 50 foot tall something or other.

Anything’s possible in the land of vintage cinematic excesses.. especially the land of classic so-bad-they're-hilarious sci fi flicks featuring behemoth brazen babes ( like the original “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" or " The Thirty Foot Bride of Candy Rock") and a couple of huge and cheesy huss-hes, too.

I came across this muy importante cultural subject my lil’ ol’ self while surfing about TRYING TO FIND AN AGENT WHO DOESN’T HAVE HORNETS FOR BRAINS.. sorry… I didn’t mean to shout..

Anyhoo, I came upon -- TA DA -- a big, strong, gorgeous and sultry sexy hussy , namely Allison Hayes who was, you guessed it, the 50 foot tall woman.

How did she GET that way in this l958 movie (a must for those who really REALLY like tall women)? Well, the plot goes something like this: Miss Hayes plays a boozing broad who is zapped by a UFO and grows right out of her house! (but not out of her clothes... although she does get to wear itsy bitsy cleavage revealing torn tops).

And she's ticked off. Well, she was ticked off BEFORE she was zapped by the saucer -- her hubby was mean to her and fooling around .

Yes, his hot tamale on the side girlfriend ( named Honey Parker, if you must know) is played in the flick by the late Yvette Vickers who, in real life, or rather death, was just found mummified in her house.. but that’s another story. She was famous for wiggling her ASSets and revealed her luscious (young and pre-mummified) bod in the July l959 issue of "Playboy" .. but I digress.

So the (BIG) bottom ( and boobs) line in this flick is that a 50 foot hussy gets revenge and actually has a pretty good time doing it. And most importantly, she manages to look just fab the whole time!

By the by, of COURSE I know that Darryl "Lanky La-De-Dah Boring" Hannah starred in a made-for-the-boob-tube redo of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" in, what, l993? Let me share my brazen review of THAT travesty in one word ( OK, so it's not a word..) EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! But she was given a gigantic set of bazookas for the flick.. talk about special effects!

And now, darlings, let’s talk about the story of a man with a really big, well, EVERYTHING. It’s that l959 monstrosity of a sci fi stinker, "The Amazing Colossal Man" about -- you guessed it -- a colossal man! Too bad, he couldn't get together with the 50 foot tall woman ...

The star is Glenn Langan who lets nothing be seen hangin' because, despite being a crazed gigantic maniac with a radioactive-fried brain, his character remembers to cover up his ginormous manly man bits with something akin to a gigantic Depends.

Whoops... Let's get back to the plot.

This time it's not aliens but a plutonium bomb blast that zaps Lt. Col. Glenn Manning. Sooooo, he keeps growing and getting more and more weird about the fact he's growing. Plus, his hair disappears (in fact his entire body seems to have had a Brazilian wax job)...

So like lots of guys who go bald, he OF COURSE heads to Las Vegas -- possibly because he heard that Las Vegas show girls are really tall, but he found out they weren't THAT tall...and so he throws tantrums and finally collapses in a dead-as-a-gigantic-doornail heap. If only he had practiced “duck and cover” when the radioactivity hit… le sigh.

That's the Brazen Hussy blog for today, darlings.. It was good for me, was it good for you?

Why, I feel ready to strap on my highest stilettos and think BIG!!

I’ll be back soon with a new and brazen blog… you be back, too! In the meantime, go out there and do something so BRAZEN people gasp, " Now that is one colossal free spirit!!”

2011-05-24T17:50:00.005-04:00

IT'S MURDER!!!!!

It all started last night --- the kind of night where fog and smoke and memories of love gone wrong and double crosses all jumble and merge and swirl around you.... and you can't shake the blues any more than you can shrug off cheap perfume.

Sher, a dame with an eye for danger and a body to match, was fed up. Fed up with guys who didn't know how to treat a dame right..

There was only one thing that would make her feel better. It was what she had to do.

Call it destiny.

Call it karma.

Call it fate.

Call it a trip to the last Blockbusters in town.. Quick, down and dirty, bargains. The Going Out Of Biz sale. You might call it the Big Sleep of videoland.

The Mercedes rolled quietly into the parking space. Sher parked and slid out like a panther moving through the night. Then she tossed her golden mane and headed straight for what she wanted.. Her stiletto heels clicked on the sidewalk like staccato gunfire.

She pushed the glass door open with a quick jerk. The bald guy behind the counter who'd been napping knew trouble had just walked through the door... dame trouble. Tall blonde trouble, to be exact. His eyelids flew open like shades in a two-bit hotel that won't stay down..

" Listen up and listen good," the blonde snapped. "You know what I'm here for. "

"M.... mmmm.. murder?" the little guy wheezed, a bead of sweat glowing on his upper lip.

The blonde nodded.

"You might as well sing like a mockingbird and spill the beans," she said, bending over to smooth her stockings.

She straightened up and shot him a look. He knew this doll meant business.

Deadly business.

The little guy pointed, finger shaking, at a section at the back. He knew what she had come for… Classic movies.

The kind that spit out murder and mayhem in a package of hazy gray seduction and smoky bedroom eyes....

Yes, darlings, today I’m dishing up some fave lines from those flicks filled with murderous twists and snits. To paraphrase the opening line of "Roxie Hart" (l942), this bloody blog "is dedicated to all the beautiful women in the world who have shot their husbands full of holes out of pique."

So listen up. And listen good.

Double Indemnity (l944):

"Then there was the case of a guy who was found shot. His wife said he was cleaning a gun and his stomach got in the way. All she collected was a three-to-ten stretch in Tohatchapee.”--- Fred MacMurray

“Perhaps it was worth it to her.” --- Barbara Stanwyck

The Strange Love Of Martha Ivers ( l946):
"Now, Sam. Do it now. Set me free. Set both of us free. He fell down the stairs and fractured his skull --- that's how he died. Everybody knows what a heavy drinker he was. Oh, Sam! It can be so easy." --- Barbara Stanwyck giving it everything she has ( and then some) to convince lover Van Heflin to do in hubby Kirk Douglas.

They Drive by Night (l940):

“The doors made me do it." --- Ida Lupino ( who was NOT talking about a certain l960s rock group), confessing to suffocating her husband by closing (those bossy) garage doors on him.

Libeled Lady (l936):
"Gladys, do you want me to kill myself!?" --- Spencer Tracy

"... Did you change your insurance?" --- Jean Harlow

Adam's Rib (l949):

"And after you shot him, how did you feel then?" --- Katharine Hepburn

"Hungry." --- Judy Holliday

"I loved you, Walter, and I hated him. But I wasn't going to do anything about it. Not until I met you. You planned the whole thing. I only wanted him dead." --- Barbara Stanwyck again… artfully blaming the driven-to-murder-by-lust Fred MacMurray in "Double Indemnity" ( 1944)

"Good-bye, baby." --- Fred MacMurray, before shooting Barbara Stanwyck in ( you guessed it!) "Double Indemnity”.

That's all for now, darlings.. by the way, kiddo.. are you on the lam? Just make sure you sneak right back here soon for a brand new Brazen Hussy blog....

In the meantime , go out there and do something so BRAZEN people gasp, "Now THAT's a dame I wouldn't want to cross --- with anything except ropes of diamonds and pearls..."

And, if you need a baaaaad dame fix, check out Double Indemnity (murder doesn't get any sexier than this...as Stanwyck spins her sensuous web... and Fred MacMurray falls heavier than a dead man with his feet in cement..)