The Bruising Adventures of Girl Clumsy

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E9 Recap

2012-06-02T14:28:00.000+10:00

I'm somewhat speechless, really. Written with perfect pacing by George R.R. Martin himself, and superbly directed by Neil Marshall, this week's Game of Thrones was sublime and epic in every possible way. I'm not really sure it even needs a recap, beyond the phrase "HOLY. F***. YES."

Of course, if you read on from here and haven't yet seen the episode, you're doing yourself a massive disservice. Never in my years of watching televisual mediums has my loyalty been so torn. The Battle of King's Landing, which this episode focuses on, is an epoch-making moment in the history of Westeros; yet I went into it not really backing either side to win or to lose. It was another splendid example of how Game of Thrones refuses to paint with black and white, but rather, dollop everyone with more shades of grey than a Dulux concrete catalogue.

So for this episode of Raven On, I thought I'd focus on some key characters and their superstar moments - for better or for worse.

Episode 9: Ten Awesome Characters and Moments from the Battle of King's Landing.

10. Tywin

He appears for five seconds at the end, but by jingo Charles Dance almost steals the whole episode. The revelation that instead of marching against Robb Stark, the Lannister army has allied itself with the Tyrells (as proposed by Lord Baelish a few episodes ago) to surprise Stannis' invading forces was a classic "the cavalry saves the day" moment.

"I came to kick ass and skin deer. And I'm all out of deer."

9. Davos

Poor Davos. Battle plans a-ready, focus and determination in spades, the promise of a role as Hand in victory... and a whole lotta wildfire goes and spoils it all. Is he dead? I think his son is dead, but as for Davos himself? Less certain. He's a former pirate, he'd be a good swimmer, and most certainly have experienced wildfire before.

8. Shae

The mysterious handmaiden to Sansa has become as fiercely protective of her lover Tyrion as he is of her. She continues to show an adeptness for laying low, even in the middle of a crowd. Her courtesy curtsey lesson from Cersei was delightful. "You're not high-born," observes the Queen. Sadly the arrival of Lancel Lannister to deliver battle news interrupts the story Cersei commands Shae to tell. But she again proves herself a loyal friend to Sansa, while simutaneously protecting herself. "No one's raping me," she declares, flashing a nasty-looking leg dagger.

7. Joffrey

Cowardly, spineless, petty - Joffrey revealed himself as the scared little pyschopath we all knew him to be when he used the first opportunity he got to scarper from the battlements. The most joyous moment with Joffrey came when he presented Sansa with his new sword "Hearteater", entreating her to kiss it for luck (a metaphor if ever I saw one). But he got flustered as Sansa asked whether he would fight in the vanguard; "I'm sorry," she replied, "I'm stupid, of COURSE you'll be in the vanguard." Take that Joffrey, you mangy dookie socket.

6. Bronn

Everyone's favourite sellsword likes nothing more than booze, a singalong and a naked woman. But as the Hound points out, it's killing that really trips his trigger, and the rest is all show. Their stand off over who had the better approach to slaughter dissapated by the sound of alarums, both of them literally saved by the bell. Bronn also had a lovely moment with Tyrion as they finalised "the plan" in the throne room, boosting his confidence with an axe, and admitting that all money aside, they are actually "friends".

5. The Hound

The deployment of the wildfire provided the most spectacular special effect so far in Game of Thrones. Those vibrant green flames were the best demonstration yet of the theory of beauty in destruction (that may be a theory I just made up, but I stand by it). Tyrion, who ordered the strike, doesn't look happy about its use, but that's nothing compared to the psychological scars it viciously reopens in the Hound's battered brainscape. Fire was what melted his face; and certainly explains his threat to the chief archer: "If one of those flaming arrows comes near me, I'll strangle you with your own guts". The Hound is the first to be put out to deal with Stannis' soldiers, issuing the cheery challenge to his men: "If you die with a clean sword, I'll rape your corpse." And yet, he flounders in the flames, and would even have come a cropper had Bronn not been quick with an arrow. Over it, he spits out his resignation with as much hate as he spits out water he's handed as a refresher. And then he pays a visit to...

4. Sansa

...who's been doing her best to survive Cersei's inebriated onslaught. I feel like I may become a broken record about this, but I just ADORE Sansa now. ADORE. She is proving herself to be just as clever and resourceful as her other siblings, including a very queenly effort at boosting morale. By the end of the episode, she's fled back to her room, only to find the Hound there waiting for her. He offers to return her to Winterfell free of charge and/or rape. But does she go? The Wah seems to think she stayed, as the Hound walked to the door without her. But the final image of her hand, clutching a girlish poppet, dropping towards the ground makes me think it could be a bit of "leaving childhood behind" metaphor.

3. Stannis

Stannis is not a man of words. "Come with me and take this city!" and "To the Mud Gate!" and "Bring the ladders!" were probably his longest speeches in the entire episode. But boy is he a man of action. This episode proved all those tales of Stannis' warfaring ability oft-discussed in Series 1. The guy is HARD. CORE. Wildfire scuttles his fleet, but still he leads his army to shore and launches an effective ground attack under attack by fiery arrows and head-squishing rocks (one of the most awesome of a number of very awesome bloodthirsty battle wounds this episode). As Joffrey flees the frontline, the uncle he boasted about besting is first to scale a ladder and start chopping people up in the battlements. His angished call to his troops to "Stand and fight! Stand and fight!" is almost tragic.

2. DRUNK CERSEI!!!!

"And ANOTHER thing..."

Oh, oh, OH, Cersei. War and wine = so much bitterness. This was a glorious episode for Lena Headey, beautifully portraying the caged lion that Cersei undoubtedly is. She resents being born a woman even as she maintains her fierce protectiveness of Joffrey and Tommen. But as we learned a few episodes ago, a mother has no choice in that. She tortures Sansa by demanding her presence as a drinking buddy; but as Shae points out, there is an element of jealousy there. Sansa's family strength is different in so many ways to Cersei's. Sansa still has a future ahead of her; with Stannis bearing down on King's Landing, all Cersei can think about is how to seduce him. Her power has been reduced to "what's between her legs"; most of that a product of the times, but some of it her own doing. Having said that, she is to be admired for her pragmatic approach and acceptance of the potential danger they're all facing. ("If the city falls, these women will be in for a bit of a rape.") No idle prayers or time-wasting singing for this Queen. Gods won't help Cersei, she'll chart her own course. Also, how good was her decorative golden breastplate?

1. Tyrion

HALF MAN! HALF MAN! HALF MAN!

"And MY axe!"

Peter Dinklage better make room in his prize cupboard for another Emmy/Golden Globe/SAG award. He was utterly splendid in this episode. I mentioned earlier how difficult it was to choose a side for this war; the Lannisters won out purely on Tyrion's genius. Ned Stark used to say the only time a man can be brave is when he's afraid, and Tyrion's frank admission of his fear to Shae is exactly what saves him, and King's Landing. He's shit-scared, but he has a job to do. And besides, there's plenty of time for Joffrey to take it in his smug face.

Tyrion also had all the best lines:

On Bronn: "Just because I pay you for your services, doesn't mean we're not friends."

On battle strategy: "We'll come out behind them and f*** them in their arses!"

As the second wave of Stannis' army turns up: "Oh, f*** me."

And then to be sliced across the face but that horrid Kingsguard knight Ser Boris Something Or Other - luckily he took it in the back from Tyrion's sensational new squire Pod. That kid is one to watch. I'm pretty sure Tyrion will be fine, but will pick up another interesting physical feature. Still, I hope he at least gets a kind word from Tywin for his troubles. Well, maybe not a kind word, but at least not a punch in the teeth.

I feel like I've only scratched the surface of this episode. There is so much more to write about, but this post has already taken me too long; I need to prepare for the mopping up to be done in the finale. We've got the Starks, the Greyjoys, Jaime Lannister and Danerys still in play. Let slip the dragons of war!

The Sacha Drake Dress

2012-05-30T23:53:00.001+10:00

A strange series of almost-events happened to me during the final week of the election campaign.

A few days out from polling day, I was approached about being a panelist on a weekend news/lifestyle program the morning of March 24. The discussion would be, predictably, state election focused. I believe the criteria had been "female, from radio, not the ABC", so there wasn't a whole lot of choice, but still, it was lovely to be asked.

I grew a little nervous as I don't have much television experience, and to be honest with you, my brain was in such a campaign-induced fugue I doubted my ability to contribute in any constructive way. Plus I'd have to arrive at 6am.

I was pondering this impending date with a live camera on the second-to-last day of campaigning. It was Thursday morning, the realisation that I would be working until 2am Friday had yet to set in, and I'd bought a delicious sausage roll, so was happy enough hanging out while politicians talked to school-kiddies and parents and whatnot.

Then I noticed one of the mothers was wearing a stunningly smart navy blue dress with white trim. It was dead simple, but beautifully cut, and perfectly captured a "professional yet fun" style. All of a sudden I realised the answer to my TV conundrum. A DRESS. If I wore a great dress, then at least I'd look confident and put-together, even if I didn't feel it.

"Excuse me, I'm really sorry, but can I ask where you got your dress?"

"Oh!" the lady laughed at my ambush. "It's a Sacha Drake. I used to do PR for her, and look, I still am!"

Sacha Drake?

"Is it a Brisbane design?" I asked.

"Oh yes!" the lady replied. "She's fantastic. Makes clothes to fit normal women. They hide everything."

I explained my reasons for asking.

"You know she dresses people for TV all the time," the lady replied. "I can give her a call if you like. She'd probably arrange a loaner for you."

Within 15 minutes, this lady (whose name I frustratingly cannot recall, blame campaign brain) had taken my name and details. Before the bus had even left the school precinct to head to the next electorate stop, Sacha Drake herself rang me.

"No problem!" she said cheerfully, when I relayed the story about the TV, and the random dress-related approach to this lovely stranger.

"Are you sure?" I said. "I don't want to inconvenience you, it is just for a brief appearance."

"I'm always happy to see my clothes on TV!" she said. "I'll get my PR girl to give you a call, and work out some options. What size are you?"

"A 14," I said sheepishly.

"So am I!" she replied. "I've got lots of styles that will suit."

Back on the campaign bus another 15 minutes later, and I received a call from Sacha's PR girl. She took down my email address, and promised to send me pictures of size 14 dresses they had easily accessible, so I could choose one and then pick it up from their Brisbane store.

By the time I received the email, I'd googled Sacha Drake and discovered that she was, in fact, quite well-known and much-beloved for her glamourous yet practical designs.

At this point, I got Very. Excited. For the first time in my life, I was going to be Dressed. I'd approached a random lady, and the universe being what it is, somehow found myself being happily offered a dress to wear by an Actual Fashion Designer.

Of course, the universe being what it is, the excitement would only last a few hours.

Later that Thursday afternoon, I checked my emails again to discover a message from the weekend news/lifestyle program. They'd decided to "change tack" with their segment, and didn't have space for me anymore.

But.... but... but... I was getting Dressed! By a Designer! I'd gotten excited! I'D EVEN TOLD MY PARENTS TO WATCH.

It almost broke my heart to write back to Sacha's PR girl and tell them I was very sorry but I wouldn't be needing the dress after all. TV had rejected me. Well, they hadn't rejected me, they'd just changed their format, but still, sleep-deprived and surrounded by politicians, I felt entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself.

These ladies had been so generous to me, without knowing who the hell I was, and I felt like I'd let them down. I resolved I would go to the Sacha Drake boutique in Paddington and damn well buy myself one of her lovely dresses. It took me a while, but I finally managed to get there last weekend.

I spent close to an hour trying on frocks, with the enthusiastic help of a kind assistant. I was so overwhelmed by the time I finally bought something, that when she asked me to input my PIN into the Eftpos machine, I actually just looked up and TOLD HER THE NUMBER. I have never done that before in my life. Obviously I subconsciously wanted Sacha Drake to have all of my money.

Thankfully, she only took enough to allow me to take home this:

This is my Sacha Drake dress. It's called Iris and I love it. I'm probably never going to have the discipline to lose the weight I probably should, but it's reassuring to know that I can still wear nice things that fit the "professional yet fun" category.

I also developed a bit of a crush on this dress:

It's called the Maddison, and while it comes in several different colours, this sapphire is the best. I tried it on and it was heavenly. But I just don't know where I would wear it! Perhaps if I was invited to more special events? Or maybe I could do some sort of challenge where I wear the dress in a bunch of places you wouldn't actually wear a dress like that. Until I come up with a good justification/sufficient cash it will remain a "one day" purchase.

So that's the story of my close encounter with TV and my Sacha Drake dress. Do you have a tale about an item of clothing that gives you a confidence boost?

More to Follow

2012-05-27T17:38:00.001+10:00

I attended the lovely wedding of my friends Alister and Erin yesterday. Here's a picture of all three of us taken in the Photo Booth they had at the reception.

You get about 10 seconds between automated shots to work out
different poses. Sometimes you freeze. Hence examining our feet.

I tell you what, aren't those photo booths hugely popular now? I've been to three functions in six months that have had them. They're pretty fun, and it's always good to give people something to do at a reception, I find, apart from supplying non-stop free booze, of course.

Anyway, we had an hour and a half between the end of the ceremony and the reception, so a crew of the improviser contingent (we're Al's nerdish comedy friends) headed to a pub for a preparatory libation and some relaxed banter.

The front bar had a few copies of The Courier-Mail lying around, so I had a flick through, and lo and behold, came across this on page 7 of the Life lift-out section.

It's titled "Five Radio Folk to Follow" on Twitter, and look! There's me!

Not sure whether to be pleased or disappointed they
didn't use one of my many expletive-laden tweets.

Thanks to editor Rod Chester, aka @Chesterrod for including me. It's lovely to be called an "entertaining blogger". I'm going to have to learn to juggle flaming sticks or something to provide more entertainment going forward. Maybe I could jelly-wrestle a lion or perform a tracheotomy on a recently arrived immigrant or something. Suggestions welcome, obviously.

One thing I definitely CAN do is point you in the direction of ImproMafia's upcoming Theatresports Gold Coast show. It's happening THIS Saturday 2 June at The Arts Centre Gold Coast.

It's just $20 a ticket, $17 concession. It's our first show on the Gold Coast, and we're really excited. If you're a local, and you enjoy live comedy, do come along. I'm the MC for the evening, so I can guarantee you a big night of laughs. Or I will personally beat our performers with birch branches.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E8 Recap

2012-05-25T15:47:00.000+10:00

Can you believe there are only two more episodes of Game of Thrones left? I'm becoming a bit despondent about the impending end of Series 2. I'm not quite sure what else there is in life to look forward to, if it's not the wholesale slaughter of characters I've come to know and love like a dysfunctional bunch of hedonistic psychopaths.

Don't forget to catch up on Episode 7 before grabbing your goldcloak, don your mask of bone and strapping in for another installment of Raven On!

Of course, reading onwards entails the brain-bursting discovery of MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 8: Release the C-Bombs!

I'm fairly certain this week's episode contained more c***s than ever before - and they swore a lot too. Boom tish, thank you, thank you, try the veal. Cersei and Tyrion dished a few out, but the winner was definitely Yara, telling off her brother Theon in the Great Hall of Winterfell. I wish I could come up with an equally devastating insult to that colon-swabbing plop-bucket Theon, but I fear Yara took the cake with her own brand of salty repartee.

This was another episode of waiting for the attack on King's Landing/the clash between the northern host and the Lannister army, but still lovely moments and character development. It's all limbs a-flailing for the Starks: Cat give Jaime a leg up to escape; Arya legs it out of Harrenhal; Bran gets his broken legs back in the basement of Winterfell; and Robb gets a leg over the Lady Talisa.

But let's start with the most DELICIOUSLY EVIL scene of the show - Cersei's confrontation with Tyrion over his "little whore". OH MAN. Again, I hate to brag, but I knew from the start that it would be Ros, not Shae, who'd been captured. As much as she's intent on revenge for Myrcella's removal and Joffrey's impending date with combat, it was simply not possible to have Cersei do over her brother that easily. Well, do over Tyrion that easily at any rate.

"You're a c***."

HOW GOOD was Tyrion's reaction and handling of the situation? He revealed nothing, kept any bubbling emotion locked away. He would be devastatingly good at Tarth Hold 'Em. And his Statement of Doom to Cersei after comforting the shocked Ros was epic.

"Yes, my dear sister, but I think you'll find
you're the one who's completely f***ed."

Initially I thought Tyrion may have set something up, but his panicked return to his room to find Shae and his pleas with her to be more careful proved Cersei had caught him out on that one. They had a really touching moment together, even if it did prove Cersei right that his "little worm" ("It's not that little") does some of his thinking for him.

Someone else who was doing a *teensy* bit of thinking with the downstairs department was Jon Snow. Still up in the wilds beyond the wall, his kindness (horniness?) towards Ygritte turned out to be deadly for a bunch of his fellow Night's Watchmen. "They died because of me?" he asks the captured Quoren. "Make sure it was worthwhile," he replies. The pair of them get roped up and hauled off, presumably to finally meet Mance Rayder.

Meanwhile Sam & co are still on the Fist of the First Men, slaving away shovelling snow, only to find the leftover pack of a Ranger, including shard of obsidian, or "dragonglass". Who left it? My punt is on the still-missing Benjen Stark.

Having been turned loose by Catelyn in a desperate effort to get Sansa and Arya back, Jaime tries to niggle Brienne, who's been sent to deliver him back to King's Landing. I hope she tips him out of the canoe a few times along the way. Meanwhile Catelyn's incurred the wrath of not only her son, but Lord Karstark, and that bloke has a beard you could lose a shadowcat in.

"This is just my summer beard, and winter is coming."

Danerys and her enormous eyebrows are just wondering about in Qarth moaning again about her missing dragons, while Jorah acts all lovetorn and protective. This scene to me felt like it was inserted just to remind you that she's still around and determined and whatnot. Frankly I would've liked to see something of Xaro and the warlocks in their new roles in charge of the Greatest City That Ever Was.

Tywin Lannister is still f***ing awesome. That's what I love about this show; complete bastards who you believe need to die horribly still gain your unswerving respect.

Yay! (Best Moments)

I've seen a bit of disdain for the Robb/Talisa love story on other reviews/recaps - but I don't mind it. There was a great moment when she asked him how he was, only to receive a complete list of all the f***ked things that have happened to him, up to and including having to arrest his own mother for treason. Being King in the North sure isn't a Walk in the Park. But still, after Talisa's lengthy explanation of her journey to becoming a healer, they finally got to strip down to everything but their boots Who knew a childhood near-death experience could be such a turn-on? Of course, it raises a problem for Robb, in that he's supposed to marry one of Lord Walder Frey's daughters in return for safe travel across the Twins, but I guess he'll CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN HE COMES TO IT. (Do you see what I did there?).

Stannis' explanation to Davos, the "Onion Knight" about why he's pursuing the Iron Throne actually made the last Baratheon brother a bit more sympathetic. There the guy was, eating horses and cats to hold Storm's End during the Rebellion, then Robert ups and gives it to Renly. He gave it up, no questions asked, did his duty - no wonder he's pissed off. And wouldn't Davos be a GREAT hand! He's a dude.

Zing (Best Lines)

"Why are all the gods such vicious c***s? Where are the gods of tits and wine?" Tyrion nails it, yet again, while "playing the game" with Varys (a welcome return after a few eps absence).

Bronn: "Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves."
Tyrion: "For questioning?"
Bronn: "No."
Tyrion: "We've talked about this."
Bronn: "It's just the unknown thieves we have to worry about now."
Bronn remains a DUDE. And judging by his description of life under siege - anyone else reckon he may have been in Storm's End back in Stannis' day?!?

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Creepy Rapey Guy takes the bacon yet again. Clever Arya did what I wondered about a few weeks' back - gave Jaccin his own name as the third person he would kill for her. "The girl has no honour," he says, only for Arya to shrug. Honour killed her father, what use is it, really? Much more useful to blackmail a killer to help her escape. The sight of those guards hanging dead on the Harrenhal walls as Arya, Gendry and that little fat kid left was delightfully goose-bumpy.

Boo, sucks

No Sansa! I assume she's done what we all did at some stage when we were teenage girls - use the old "But I've got my period!" excuse to get out of Phys Ed. Or in her case, having to see smug Joffrey's smug face smug prick. Ear to ear grin, my arse. Go stick a knife in your eye. I know Arya is the easy-to-pick Stark sister of choice, but damnit if I don't cheerlead big time for Sansa.

Next week! Tywin's on the overnight march to meet Robb; Stannis' wind should set him ashore at the Mud Gate; and something's going to happen north of the wall. George R.R. Martin has written Episode 9, so LET'S SEE SOME CLASHING SKULLS! And please don't let Robb's moment of pleasure mean he's marked for death now... please....

Endorsed by Zookeepers

2012-05-22T23:25:00.000+10:00

Do you ever picture in your head what the coolest-looking version of yourself would be?

In my head - and in my dreams - I get around the place like a cross between James Bond and Xena. Effortlessly stylish, but powerful and deadly, like cobra tie. The reality generally involves untucked shirts, tatty scarf-wearing and shoes ill-suited to my bizarrely shaped feet. I am a proponent, it must be said, of "buffoon chic".

Which is why I was more shocked than anyone to see that while playing for Queensland in the 2012 Theatresports National Championships, I may have accidentally combined the Xena/Bond asthetic to look the coolest I will probably ever look in my life.

Note to self: more corsets.

I had the privilege of being one-third of the Queensland team for the competition, and had even lightened my hair to better match Wade and Tom, and fit in with our fascist/steampunk "Team Hindenburg" concept.

The June Dally-Watkins modelling course
I did when I was 14 finally paid off.

The night featured teams from Victoria, New South Wales, Western Australia and the ACT. The performers are all top improvisers, with many of them achieving legend status. It was an absolute joy to share the stage with them; to jump into their scenes when required; and to rely on them to support us - in one scene, literally, when we chose to do a physical challenge where our feet couldn't touch the ground, forcing the others to carry us around the stage!

Our very first game was an "I Love You" scene, and the suggestion our gorgeous MC Rebecca de Unamuno received was "giraffe".

Now the Enmore Theatre is fairly big, and there were around 1000 people in the audience. Sometimes in a space that big, your brain just goes a bit blank and you can't think of something sensible or clever to say - if you can say anything at all. That's kind of what happened as Wade and Tom left the stage and I looked out at the lights. I didn't really have anything in my brain, so I launched into my dodgiest giraffe impression. I used the heels of my boots to shape a lope across the stage in that languid, giraffe-y style. I actually really love giraffes, and always like staring at them whenever I visit zoos. So in between lopes, I stopped and gave my lips a big lick, sticking my tongue out as far as I could.

I must have been out on the stage by myself for a minute, not speaking, just... attempting to be a giraffe. The audience seemed to enjoy it; and the scene got more fun when Wade came on as a lion who just wanted to eat the giraffe. After some discussion, we resolved to put the long-running war between giraffes and lions to one side to take on our true enemies, poachers. Wade threw out the brilliant line "But our alliance cannot just be political, it must be sexual," prompting an "I love you" and a big giraffe-y tongue pash. It was a really simple, charming scene.

Lion. Giraffe. Art.

At the end of the night, we were shocked and amazed to be announced the 2012 Champions. It was extraordinary. This sounds like forty-two types of bullcrap but I honestly wasn't expecting it. So I think we were all very chuffed!

Woot!

As we returned to the stage after the show wrapped up to have our photos taken with the Championship Belt, four young women in the middle of the auditorium starting yelling and waving at me. I couldn't hear what they were saying, so I ran down the steps at the front of the stage and up the aisle to meet them. They were all in their 20s or 30s, still carrying drinks, obviously not yet finished their night.

"We all work at Taronga Zoo!" they cried as I reached them. "Your giraffe was SPOT ON!"

It was one of the best compliments I've ever received. Girl Clumsy: Officially Endorsed By Zookeepers.

You can see a full gallery of the show at the website of photographer Stephen Reinhardt, and a special thanks to Stephen for letting me use some of his images here. I must also thank the wonderful Impro Australia for all their support, and for putting on a professional and energetic show.

Wade and I returned to Brisbane around lunchtime on Sunday, to prepare for his show Jorogumo at the Brisbane Arts Theatre.

I'm really pleased with how this performance went - based on Japanese monsters and fairytales, I thought it was a wonderful format with shades of light and dark.

Wearin' whiteface and kimonos. That's how we roll.
Thanks to Paul Harris for the picture.

Life is swings and roundabouts though, as I spent much of Monday and Tuesday this week pondering whether I'm actually any good at impro at all. That's not me trying to fish for compliments, it really isn't. I think you're often your worst critic, but in my case, I felt slightly undeserving of the Nationals win, and felt like I should have done bolder work in Jorogumo.

I'm hoping this feeling is a good one though; the day I think I know everything about impro and can't improve is probably the day I should give it up.

Our next big show is on the Gold Coast! That's right, we're doing a one night only Theatresports show at The Arts Centre Gold Coast on Saturday 2 June. If you live near the coast, I highly recommend the show - tickets are only $20 and we'll even bring down the Championship Belt to show off just how good ImproMafia really is!

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E7 Recap

2012-05-18T15:44:00.000+10:00

It's quite obvious I'm about as punctual with this Game of Thrones recap as Lord Walder Frey was at the Battle of the Trident. Blame a busy week in Queensland parliament - or as I now call it, the Green Keep - and an exciting weekend of adventures in stage performance.

I was all set to roll up on the couch and get started watching Episode 8, when my friend Dan played the GUILT CARD and asked how I could possibly do that before doing the recap of Episode 7? I cursed myself for an oathbreaker, then I realised it was more fun to curse Dan, so I cursed him for a bit, then sighed and realised I can't beat the GUILT CARD. So hold onto your hats and duck because here comes another low-flying episode of Raven On!

Episode 7: Waiting for Stannis

This week was another marvellous tumble in the world of character development, but rather slow on the action front. I daresay things are going to ramp up significantly in Episode 8 once the last-surviving Baratheon brother descends on King's Landing like Elvis on a bacon sandwich; and once Xaro starts throwing his weight around Qarth like Elvis on a stage in the late 1970s.

The theme that emerged from this episode for me was that of "traps", both set and sprung.

Theon Greyjoy sets off to re-trap Bran, Rickon, Osha and Hodor, who cleverly snuck out of Winterfell at the end of the last episode. He spends this week taunting poor Maester Luwin, while trailing the boys' scent with his hounds. "It's all just a game," he cheerfully tells the kind old man. A game you're going to LOSE, dork-sniggler.

Beyond the wall, Jon is trying to find his brothers of the Night's Watch, while simultaneously trying to control the stalagmite slowly building in his breeches, courtesy of Ygritte, the wildling/free woman. Doesn't she have the filthiest-sounding accent in the entire show? Even dirtier than Ros (who's M-I-A ever since that 'pounding' from Prince Joffrey).

"Can you stop saying 'bone' for just FIVE minutes?!?!"

After all that trudging and cajoling, Jon was about to go for it (I assume the "pulling out his sword" action was symbolism), when whoops, Ygritte pulls the lead, trips Jon over, and a bunch of other wildlings appear. Trap sprung; I guess Jon will now get to meet Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall. Whether he'll get some frosty booty or not remains to be seen.

In Robb Stark's battle camp, Jaime Lannister is literally trapped in a pen, with a a fine bushy beard to show for a few months' imprisonment. Given a cell mate in the former of his cousin, Alton, he spends a fair amount of time building rapport and confidence - before battering the young bloke's head in with his chains in order to distract the guard and escape. Poor form, but not unexpected. However, killing the guard, the son of Lord Karstark, proved a very bad move, as when the Kingslayer is eventually recaptured, the bannermen start fighting amongst themselves about how quickly they can knock his block off. Lady Catelyn goes to see him, and after a fair bit of taunting, she asks Brienne for her sword. Is she going to kill him - or free him?

In the Red Keep - the ultimate gilded cage - Cersei is educating Sansa about "flowering" into a woman. Sansa's own body has trapped her, betrayed her, as it inevitably would. Curse you, biology! Our favourite little dove was offered some some hard truths about surviving the transition to womanhood, and how best to protect her heart against Joffrey. For me, Cersei has fundamentally become a tragic figure. Again, it's all her own fault, but you can't help but wonder how truly awesome she could've been if only she'd been more like Tyrion, and less like Tywin or Jaime. Speaking of Tyrion, he seems to have definitively pinned down the truth about his twin siblings. Throwing out a last-ditch bait line of "Joffrey is more Robert than Jaime," only to have it shrugged off by Cersei, Tyrion is now fully in charge of the Lannister's future at King's Landing. In a touching moment, he almost reached out to embrace a distraught Cersei. Almost.

Which only leaves the question - does TYWIN know?

So my legacy is one imp and a pair of incestuous in-breeding psychos?

The head lion is still holed up at Harrenhal, having delightful fireside chats with Arya about legends and warriors and the best way to pretend to be low-born. Tywin is trapped by his own need to leave a legacy; Arya by Tywin's protection. Gosh these scenes are enjoyable to watch.

Over in Qarth, Dany is whinging about her dragons. She essentially flips off Xaro's promises to help, only to collapse emotionally near the arms of faithful old Jorah. Speaking of which, The Wah drew my attention to this charming graphic, which sums up poor Jorah's predicament.

Jorah has another meeting with that mysterious face-plated priestess woman, who I'm sure is probably his ex-wife or something. She gets his assurance he won't betray Dany again, then sends him off to the Council of Thirteen just in time to find that Xaro and Creepy Warlock have been in cahoots to steal the dragons and launch a coup. Xaro is now the King of Qarth.

Yay! (Best Moments)

Shae flipping the knife on the other handmaiden after discovering Sansa's menses (Sanses? Mensa?) had set in. Sadly it did no good; the Hound had already sniffed it out. Oh, I just realised what I said.

The appearance of Tyrion just near the end. I hadn't realised I was missing him until he appeared and I mentally yelled "F*** YEAH TYRION WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM BEFORE NOW SERIOUSLY."

Zing! (Best Line)

Tywin: I can't say I've ever met a literate stonemason.
Arya: Have you met many stonemasons, my lord?
Tymin: Careful now.

Jaime (on seeing Brienne): Is that a woman?

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

"They don't have teeth." - Ygritte. That's Ygritty.

Maester Luwin's fresh take on the grief-stricken "Nooooo" on seeing the burned bodies of two children hanging from the walls of Winterfell. It's fairly obvious they're the poor orphan boys Bran sent to help the farmer a few episodes back, but Maester Luwin's not to know that, and his gutteral reaction was ... well, gut-wrenching.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Fricking Dan guilting me into doing this before fricking watching fricking Episode 8 fricking frick.

Flames and Ghosts

2012-05-16T21:49:00.000+10:00

This weekend, I'll be performing in both Sydney AND Brisbane!

I'm heading to Sydney to be part of the Queensland team for the Theatresports Nationals competition on Saturday 19 May, at the massive Enmore Theatre.

Flanked by teammates Wade and Tom.

Wade initially suggested we name our team "Titanic", in honour of Queensland's "living treasure", Clive Palmer (if you hadn't heard, he plans to build a replica Titanic). I replied that perhaps it wasn't the best plan to name ourselves after one of history's most infamous disasters, it'd be like calling ourselves "Team Hindenburg".

"TEAM HINDENBURG! YES!" was the unanimous reply from Wade and Tom. So now we're named after an airship that went down in flames. It's such an obvious metaphor, surely we can't actually lose? Our costume theme has somehow morphed into slightly-fascist-steampunk, so at the very least we're going to damn well be the best dressed team on the night. Or else.

The Nationals is always an amazing show; super high energy and bucketloads of fun. If you're keen, you can book a last minute special ticket deal through the booking page here.

Wade and I then fly back on Sunday morning in time for ImproMafia's Sunday night show - Jorogumo: The Spider Woman.

Inspired by Japanese lore, fairytales and horror stories, this is going to be a fascinating night of improvisation. There'll be fox maidens and samurai and geishas and tragic love stories and demons and monsters and magic and all sorts of fun things. ImproMafia maintains playfulness and comedy in all our performances, because we always want our audience to come away with their funnybone tickled. But this show promises to have moments of light and shadow, and I think that will really delight patrons.

So if you're in Brisbane on Sunday 20 May, head up to the Brisbane Arts Theatre on Petrie Terrace. The show starts at 7:30pm, and tickets are only $12 at the door. You can also book tickets online.

As always, I'm incredibly grateful for all the support my creative endeavours receive; I hope to see you at a show!

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E6 recap

2012-05-12T18:11:00.003+10:00

With all these noble houses and sigils, and lords and ladies indulging their petty squabbles, and political intrigues turning to outright bloody battle - you could be forgiven for forgetting Westeros even has a civilian population. Our occasional reminders are the unfortunate recruits at Castle Black and prisoners at Harrenhal; and the wounded soldiers, tended to by healers like Lady Talisa.

But finally it seems the Andal Spring may have hit Westeros - at least at King's Landing. So batten down the hatches, unleash the dogs of war (or should that be Hounds?) and get ready for another episode of Raven On!

I should remind you that if you read on from this point, you will come across MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 6. Singing the Song of Angry Men

By the old Gods, Theon Greyjoy is a cock-snaggling douche crevasse. Sauntering into Winterfell with his saliferous sea-dog sidekicks and demanding Bran Stark yield control of the place. Sweet little thing, he was so brave, but ultimately acted to protect his people, even if they were happy to call Theon out as a scum-sucking piece of arse biscuit.

Mind you, you have to give Greyjoy props for moving quickly. I mean, just last week he was boarding the Sea Bitch with a ragtag bunch of salty misfits - now he's captured Torrhen's Square, then sailed on to Winterfell without so much as a stop for a quick shag.

I've got to dip my hat to Alfie Allen, who plays Theon. He's probably second only to Joffrey now as the lord you love to hate. The expression in his face after his execution of Ser Rodrik went utterly, terribly wrong was amazing. He beautifully conveyed Theon's recognition that in that moment, he crossed a line. If he'd let Ser Rodrik live, there may have been a chance to reconcile with Robb, or at the very least, be exiled back to the Iron Islands or scoot up to The Wall. But now, some part of him - a part he's already blusteringly pretending to ignore - knows he's doomed to be Robb Stark's next mantlepiece favour.

After last week's shocking lack of any nudity, Osha got her baps out for Winterfell and proved she's quite the resourceful friend to Bran and Rickon. I can't wait for their adventures on the run.

I found this image via Regretsy, of all places. Kudos.
I'm going to have to consider a Hodor-kini myself next summer.

Speaking of temptresses, Jon Snow finds himself in a chilly conundrum up beyond the wall. Separated from his brothers-in-black after failing to kill a captured female wildling, he finds himself both chasing after her, and cuddling up to her. Jon's inherited a fair bit of the Stark sense of honour, but can he resist the red-haired chick's saucy spooning forever?

Over in Qarth, Danerys is looking smoking hot in her intricately-wrought golden armour, so much so that I *really* want to lose 20 kilos, dye my hair and take up cos-playing. I can't decide if Emilia Clarke, who plays Dany, is a really *good* actor, who captures the Khaleesi's occasional bursts of childishness well ("Give me my ships! Now!"), or if her portrayal is just a bit two-dimensional. Either way, the Spice King isn't interested in her cause, she won't marry Zaro, and now someone's taken her dragons. I can only assume it's one of the warlocks, as that stone tower seen at the very end of the episode did look like it could be their hideout, the House of the Undying.

There was some absolutely gorgeous character interplay between Tywin and Arya at Harrenhal this week. I particularly enjoyed the revelation of Jaime Lannister's dyslexia, and Tywin's father almost ruining the family name. They gave such an insight into Tywin's hard-bitten nature. Here is a man who does not tolerate weakness, and yet he is not wholly unkind, as evidenced by his growing fondness for his little cup-bearer.

Robb Stark spent some time cracking onto Lady Talisa, before cracking up at news from Winterfell. "I told you never to trust a Greyjoy!" cried Catelyn. I thought Robb could've been justified in throwing back a "Well, you trusted Littlefinger, so shut up," but it wouldn't be a kingly thing to do. Oooh, Robb. Let me comb your hair and polish your amour... I mean, armour...

But the BIG explosive event this week was the riot in King's Landing. The peasants are revolting! Ah, that joke never gets old. Suddenly and brutally, Joffrey got a karmic kickdown.

It was also great to see the Hound joining in on the comeuppance delivery. "I want them executed!" cries Joffrey. "They want the same for you," growls back Sandor Clegane. And I knew he'd be the one who'd rescue Sansa from marauders. "You're safe now, little bird." There's more to the relationship between those two.

Yay! (Best Moments)

This.

Watch it again, go on.

ANGRY LORD TAKING IT IN THE NECK WITH A POISON DART. So, so good. While Creepy Rapey Guy is still a bit creepy, and still a bit rapey, I'm beginning to develop a certain affection for him. But Arya better choose her third victim carefully. I wonder what would happen if she chose him? Would he top himself? I doubt it, but there didn't seem to be any obvious clause precluding him from the picking.

Zing! (Best Line)

As Cersei bade farewell to her little daughter Myrcella, she told Tyrion that she hoped he would know the feeling of true love for someone, then pledged to take that person away from him. OUCH. Watch out Shae.

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Apart from Ser Rodrik's beheading? Well, there was Littlefinger's appearance at Harrenhal, and he's always creepy. Plus the sight of all those dead Dothraki guards in Qarth was pretty horrid.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Still no Stannis. I guess he's still sailing, and that battle is up next week. Until then, my Westerosi chums!

The Tyranny of Long Hair

2012-05-11T12:48:00.002+10:00

Vidal Sassoon died this week, and it made me think of practical hair cuts.

I didn't realise Vidal was credited for inventing "wash-and-wear" hair styles - the idea that you don't need to subject your locks to hours of primping, perming, pinning and shellacking, just comb it and go. Vidal supposedly set us free from oppressive hair.

But I would argue that many women still labour unnecessarily with their locks - because fashion remains in favour of long hair for women. And I would like to start a movement encouraging women who are living with long hair - but, importantly, not doing anything with it - to lop it off, and try life with lighter, shorter tresses.

I've always had tricky hair - thick and bothersome. As a girl, it was blonde and straight. Pubescent hormones saw it grow thicker and darker, and a 1993 haircut saw the surprise appearance of tight curls, and led to me being dubbed "Afro" for a year at school. I worked with the curls as best I could until my late teens, when I decided to try to grow it long and luxurious. I imagined all the beautiful ornate hairstyles I would wear - the cute high ponytails, the braids, the chignons.

What I ended up with was this:

This is me on my 21st birthday, with a ratty, poorly-cut, badly-coloured, brassed-out curtain of hair. You can see the curl from my teens still in there - a curl that disappeared somewhere in my mid-twenties, along with my cheekbones. But you can also get a sense of how thick and heavy my hair is - it pulls down so much the top half is virtually straight.

I couldn't bear to put it in a high ponytail: the super-tight hairband would give me a headache. Wearing it out was annoying in the wind or the heat. So I would end up pulling it back in a low ponytail at the nape of my neck. It looked boring. It was boring.

It was also a pain in the arse to manage. Every wash was torture, as I combed out the knots that would build as I slept. Complicated hairdos were virtually impossible - no amount of bobby pins would hold those suckers up.

Eventually I realised I would never achieve the beautiful tresses I admired in magazines. I had the hair, but without the money or patience - what was the point?

Around a year after the above picture was taken, I went to an expensive hairdresser and had much of it lopped off. Throughout the 2000s, I went shorter and shorter. Before our big world trip in 2006, I got an ill-advised pixie cut, and while it was good for travelling, I realised my hair is too thick and puffy and my face too round for it to work well.

And so now I've found the general length and style that seems to work - and you know what? It's great. On rare occasions, I wonder if I could grow it again. I have more money and better hair care products now than I did at 21 - perhaps it would be a different story? But then I think... oh, I can't be bothered. I am lazy. And I don't want my head to be weighed down all the time.

Lovely photo taken by Heath C, who wanted a guinea pig for his new lighting rig.
Being a camera 'ho, I happily obliged. You can see more of Heath's work here.

I know many women who keep long hair because of what I consider to be slightly dodgy reasons, and I'd like to offer some simple rebuttal arguments, to see if my position does in fact have any credibility.

1) It's feminine.

Answer: it's one idea of femininity. Not the only one. If you're worried about not looking enough like what you think a woman should look like, may I suggest a push-up bra and some red lipstick?

2) It's fashionable.

It's hard to deny Hollywood and the fashion and music industries tends to prefer long-hair in their ladies. But remember, these women have stylists, and money, and helpers, and money, and time, and money. Their hair becomes part of their job. But even they resort to help - Beyonce and Lady Gaga love a wig. And also, long hair seems to be a de facto term for "beautiful". She must be pretty, she has long hair. Think Kardashian for a moment. Take away the long hair, and what have they got? Weird teeth, that's what.

3) I'm getting married.

Apparently long hair works better for "up dos", which are apparently better for weddings and wedding photos. I'm not sure why this attitude still exists, but then I know very little about weddings in general. If this is your preference, I don't see why a hairpiece or hair extensions couldn't work just as well - they might be slightly more expensive, but then, it's a wedding. They cost money. Just ditch an unwanted guest or two, or forego a band for a karaoke machine. I'm an ideas woman.

4) I like it.

And that is entirely fair enough. I'm not trying to hassle people for their appearance. I really believe you can do whatever the hell you want with your body. But my argument is aimed at women who have long hair, but don't do anything with it. Maybe it's a hassle, maybe they just don't have time, and always end up tying it up, or back. I know one woman who keeps it long because she sweats around her hairline. She thinks short hair would make her sweat more. But I always think of her as a short-haired woman precisely because she always wears her hair tightly pulled back in a bun. I've never seen it out. So what's the point? Chop it off, get a crop, rock it. You'll be sweat-free, you'll get time back, you can get out of the shower, rub on some pomade and go.

Long hair is a tyranny. It's time we realised it, and started freeing ourselves. Use it or lose it. It won't be the end of the world.

Scissors semper tyrannus!

Four Legs Good

2012-05-06T00:32:00.000+10:00

It's nice when a fairly selfish desire turns out to produce quite a happy day for many people.

Video by animal and heavy metal lover Andrew Saltmarsh.
You can read his take on the day here.

I received so many thank-yous from people today, that you'd think I'd have done something impressive. But all I did was book a baby animal farm... so I could play with baby animals for a few hours. As we set up the enclosure this morning, and I sat on the grass with goats clamouring over me, I called out to The Wah, entreating him to come in and play.

"Someone has to take charge out here. You've already lost all cognitive function."

And he was right. They had me at "Here are the piglets."

You complete me.

I think it was the enthusiasm with which others embraced the idea of the Baby Animal Farm that made it something truly impressive. By the time the petting zoo officially opened at 10:30 Saturday morning, there was already a decent gathering of 15 or so. That swelled over the following hour; at its peak, I reckon around 100 people were milling around Hardgrave Park, enjoying the picture perfect autumn sunshine, the sausages and cupcakes, and of course, the calm and happy animals.

It was lovely to welcome the RSPCA Qld community outreach volunteers on site as well, selling fundraising merch and raising awareness about their excellent Adopt-a-Pet program. This was enhanced in no small way by the addition of two beautiful Irish Wolfhound puppies, both up for adoption.

I'd say I knew or recognised perhaps half of all the people who attended; a testament, I think, to the power of a charming idea and social media. It wasn't so much a case of the Horse Whisperer, as the Hey-There's-Two-Shetland-Ponies Shouterer.

But whether I knew them or not, it was the surprising sweetness of a communal affair that proved the most satisfying. A whole lot of people just chilling out and having a nice time doing something a little different. Something that just happened to turn the cuteness right up to 11.

Which one of these creatures is not acting the goat?

The money aspect was icing on the cake. You might remember from my original post that I spent the $700 required to hire the petting zoo, hoping to recoup costs through a "Choose Your Own" donation strategy. With general donation entries, plus $2 a pop Shetland pony rides and $1 cups of feed - I wound up making $400 profit. All of that will go to charity; I'm planning $200 each to RSPCA Qld and Best Friends Rescue.

I'm starting to get reports about just how generous some people were, and it's enough to make one come over all heart-bursty. I am very, very grateful to you all.

Props.

I mentioned above how the real success of the day was its true community feel, and that was due to recruiting eager local small businesses, non-profits, charities and volunteers.

I can highly recommend Brisbane Pony Parties if anyone else in South-East Queensland is looking to hold their own animal farm. Sandra was professional, helpful, fun and incredibly generous with her animals. You could tell the critters are well looked after, and their behaviour was delightful. I dubbed one of the piglets "Hyper Piggie" due to his exuberance in the paddock, and the only roughness I saw were a few sly kicks aimed at him by Missy the month-old calf.

A bunch of dedicated Brisbane Arts Theatre members ran the tasty sausage sizzle. There are some great productions on at the theatre at moment: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, as well as Pinocchio for children. Coming up in June is the hugely popular comedy musical Avenue Q. The BAT gets no government or corporate support, so when you buy a ticket and see a show there, you truly are supporting a community organisation that gives creative people space to perform and develop skills.

RSPCA Qld has been great to me during this whole adventure; and again, I would urge anyone looking to get a pet to consider adoption. Thanks to their community outreach volunteers for sharing their time - and their puppies! - with us.

Greg and Dan - aka science podcasters from Smart Enough to Know Better - came up early with me to help set up, and along with the delightful Simm and Sarah, did the bulk of the collections work. A number of others took turns holding the fort so others could play/leave. Thanks to you all.

Kate Rohde rose to my challenge to bake cupcakes for the event admirably. Kate's developing her own small boutique cake business, and her delicious wares quickly sold out. Congratulations, Kate.

Thanks must go to my electrician, who's been waiting on the $700 I owe him for installing new lights for a few weeks now. Turns out I found another use for it; and I didn't feel too bad because you know you messed me around a bit (that's a whole other post right there). The good news is, I recouped the cash! So you'll get your pound of flesh next week, freshly laundered through the goodwill of punters and goodwool of animals.

Most importantly, I'd like to thank EVERYONE who took some time out and came along, and who were so brilliant in spreading the word. Your enthusiasm and kindness means a whimsically foolish idea I had turned out to bring more smiles to my face than I could have imagined; and even better, a bit of extra dosh for animal welfare groups, a very good cause indeed.

Finally, it would be remiss of me to not credit that person who mistakenly sent me that email with quotes for a baby animal farm. That one action set in motion a chain of somewhat fantastical decisions that resulted in today's amazing experience. Most unwanted emails are spam... this one actually proved to be real ham.

The Avengers 2: Still Avenging After All These Years

2012-05-04T02:05:00.000+10:00

My friend Dan caused a bit of Twitter scandal ("twandal"?) this week by issuing the following statement:

Dan's was the first kind-of-negative take on The Avengers I'd seen, and at first I thought he may have been stirring. Dan often likes to be a figure of controversy. His optional use of "pants" in our improvised stage shows once savagely divided audiences.

Even I thought The Avengers ticked all the boxes, and I'm one of the seven geeks left on Planet Earth who doesn't slavishly salivate over everything Joss Whedon does. My primary objection was that Thor didn't appear shirtless once. Frankly that was a massive oversight. They managed to shoot several minutes of Scarlett Johannson, from behind, in an ass-caressing catsuit - but Chris Hemsworth did all those sit-ups for nothing.

By thunder.

But Dan's entitled to his opinion, and maybe he has a point. Maybe there wasn't enough "story". So I've decided to pitch my mad screen-writing skillz against His Jossness', and pack more punch, but less "punch", into an Avengers story.

Here is my "treatment" for the inevitable The Avengers 2: Reassemble.

I don't think I'm really giving anything away about the movie here, but I should issue a SPOILER WARNING just in case.

"Guys, has anyone seen Hawkeye?"

The movie opens with Tony Stark facing a congressional hearing on his Arc Light power generation system. The US government has been unable to shut down the billionaire engineering genius through a series of punishing IRS audits, and so is trying to co-opt the technology through a show of public shaming, in the name of the national interest.

Stark's usual good humour is on display as he whips out the portable Iron Man suit, plays AC/DC to accompany a dramatic, jet-blasty exit, then quips "So much for Mr Stark Goes to Washington" to Pepper Potts, who promptly slaps him in the junk.

But the confrontation puts him on a collision course with a friend; for, like another famous American who worked in showbiz during World War Two, Captain America has finally accepted his destiny as a Republican presidential candidate. His campaign suffered a slight setback when a printing error saw the comma left off posters featuring his catchphrase "Rogers, Everyone!", but he's still polling better than Newt Gingrich.

Hawkeye is particularly peeved about this development, as having survived Loki's spooky trance, thought he'd never again have to share the same room with someone who wanted to bend his will to their own. It's lucky he has Olympic selection trials coming up to distract him. Not in archery, that would be too easy. He's prepping for fencing.

Luckily, S.H.I.E.L.D's Asgardian contractor is ready to mediate the group dynamic. Now host of the MSNBC discussion program "Thor Spot", everyone's famous demi-god challenges the Avengers group to appear live on prime-time TV to ~~wrestle shirtless~~ thrash out their differences.

Unfortunately Bruce Banner can't make it, as he's dealing with a diagnosis of inoperable bowel cancer. It's not the cancer itself that's inoperable, it's just every time doctors attempt surgery, the Hulk explodes into action and crushes the skull of the nearest medico. The colonoscopy alone levelled a city.

"I guess you could call that a colonic irritation."

The ~~shirtless wrestling~~ debate doesn't go well, as Thor labels Stark an obstructive egomaniac, Stark challenges Captain America's war service record, and Rogers threatens to tighten immigration laws to prevent more invasion by bifrost.

Nick Fury declares enough is enough, and once again shuts down the Avengers initiative, telling the heroes he's lost faith in all of them. Natasha Romanov decides regaining some faith is precisely what she needs to help reduce the guilt she feels in having murdered so many people. She feels this guilt because she is a woman character; male characters don't have to worry about such trivial matters when there are ~~shirts to remove~~ bad guys to punish.

The Black Widow journeys to the wilds of Tibet, where she spends days meditating and trying to achieve inner peace, and nights kicking ass for cash as part of the Shaolin Monks show.

But then she learns about a mysterious plague sweeping the continent, leaving whole cities crumbling out of civilisation. It turns out a former Roman emperor, Dayus Massheena, has risen from the dead, and is using a combined supernatural army of Christians AND lions to raze factories producing high-end electronics and other luxury items for the American market.

Ditching her comfy gi pants for that catsuit once more, Romanov calls up the others one-by-one, begging them to join her in the wilderness of remote south-western China (population only 300 million). Stark and Rogers cannot refuse the call to help save capitalist enterprise; and Thor hopes to pick up a few cheap iPhones with universal roaming. Hawkeye had some frequent flyer points.

They all show up at the monastic fortress at the same time, which proves VERY awkward. But it's all part of Natasha's plan - by getting them to just ~~flick their shirts on the couch and flex~~ knock heads, she makes them realise the world needs them to work as a team.

Meanwhile a depressed Dr Banner fears his friends will face more danger without him there to "help". But he's struggling with radiation treatment, which just doesn't seem to take. In a climactic scene, his rage at his disease overcomes him, and the Hulk is released. After smashing several burns ward victims onto the streets of New York, the Big Guy shoves his fist down his throat and punches the tumour out of his own bowel. The whole incident is declared a medical marvel and documented in The Lancet.

The Avengers assemble on a field outside the ancient temple of Ho Lee Chit, where Natasha offers up a prayer for assistance. But oh no! Dayus Massheena has summoned an army of terracotta warriors to take them on.

Battle commences, and it's a brutal affair. A massed army of felines, God-botherers and rejected pot plant holders is a challenging enemy. Natasha's gun runs out of bullets, but she realises the faith she needed came not from religion, but the sharp martial arts techniques of the Shaolin Monks. Rogers, knowing a victory will mean generous campaign donations, drives the team forward, cutting through the ranks of the warriors. Stark fires up Pat Benatar and gets stuck in with his lasers, burning up the enemy like popcorn in a kiln. Thor ~~takes his shirt off and~~ ripples waves of energy with his hammer or something. Whatever, the second unit director and SFX people can just fill in the gaps here.

Eventually it's Hawkeye who manages to foil Dayus Massheena - literally stabbing him in the eye with his fencing sword. With that, the supernatural soldiers revert to mere statue form.

The Avengers are all patting themselves on the back when the Hulk shows up. Full of rage at missing the smashing, the Big Guy crushes the inanimate remains of the army. "Puny statues," he mutters. Everyone laughs, because they're too scared not too, even though it's not really a very good witticism. The Hulk knows they're just pandering to him, and is about to get even more furious, when Natasha gives him a kiss, because she's the only girl there, and it seems like that might be nice. With that, Dr Banner's human form re-emerges, and the Avengers all re-assemble and ~~take their shirts off~~ go to Baskin Robbins to celebrate. Over the credits, we see Banner being served the mint ice-cream and everyone laughing.

It's a happy ending - but Rogers still has a campaign to run, Stark can't keep getting away with pissing off the government, Thor has ratings to maintain and Hawkeye needs to win the gold. There are all the classic hallmarks of yet another sequel.

Oh wait... I forgot to kill someone off. You always need someone to die. Umm, let's see. OK - Pepper Potts. Maybe not dies. But she falls into a mysterious coma around 40 minutes in, and Dayus Masshena has the formula to save her, and Iron Man gets it off him during the battle, then they give it to Pepper in the form of a new Baskin Robbins flavour, and she wakes up, and Iron Man says "Watch out, she'll be STARK RAVING MAD!" and Pepper slugs him in the penis.

The End.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E5 Recap

2012-05-03T09:35:00.000+10:00

Raise the banners, get your weapons of mass destruction ready and swear fealty to whichever King looks nicer in his battle armour - it's time for another edition of Raven On, the world's 134,567th best Game of Thrones recap series!

Before we start, I thought I'd share this fantastic map of Westeros that I found online. Really helps me as a touchstone whenever I start getting confused about where cities, castles, waterways and other landmarks are in relation to each other.

Now, as per usual, reading beyond this point entails discovering MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 5: Schemes and Plots and Gendry Gets his Shirt Off

Well, I had suspicions last week that Renly might be in for it, but I thought at least he might get a chance to try to prove himself in battle. Turns out he was offed faster than you can say "Watch out! It's Kate Bush's smoky demon shadow assassin spawn!" Kind of a shame, I liked Renly's growing smarminess. Oh well, at least we've still got his pretend-queen Margaery, and I daresay she'll be good for some revenge, and scheming, and awesome outfits.

For me, Episode 5 was all about elements.

It opened with wind - the element carried the assassin to Renly, before carrying Stannis' ships across to land. Renly's troops also changed with that wind - his body wasn't even cold before they'd jumped ship to support Stannis. But it could be whispers on that very wind that come back to threaten Stannis: his smuggler sailor servant Davos just couldn't keep quiet about Kate Bush's supernatural power. He's now been tasked with taking a key bay in Stannis' bid to sack King's Landing, but for how long can he stay loyal to magic he disapproves of?

Meanwhile in the Red Keep itself, the element was all fire. Sadly, it was not Joffrey being set aflame, but Tyrion's discovery that the King and Cersei have been routing his authority as Hand by commissioning pyromancers to make pot after pot of wildfire, aka "fire made form".

"Bronn, I'm going to need a new pair of pants."

Across the Narrow Sea in Qarth, Danerys is the subject of burning desire from Zaro, the member of the Thirteen who vouched for her entry into the best city that ever was or will be. Ser Jorah Mormont was also given a spooky warning by a strange woman in a gold head mask that the Khaleesi needed his help now more than ever, because her dragons are power, aka "fire made flesh".

Water presented itself in the form of Theon Greyjoy, initially mocked by the crew of his new ship the Sea Bitch, but then exposed to a more fluid method of operation by a kindly first mate.

We also had Bran's disturbing dream of a flooded Winterfell, foreshadowing the death of many of his subjects, including faithful old retainer Ser Rodrik Cassel. The knight goes off to defend one of Winterfell's loyal fortresses, Torrhen's Square, from attack - but they don't know it's Greyjoy they're going up against, not the Lannisters.

Speaking of the lions, Tywin's language to his cousin at the Harrenhal strategy table is certainly earthy. But could Arya become an ally? She's exposed her northernness, but Tywin remains unaware she's a Stark. Someone else who's very interested in Arya is "The Man", who's a little bit rapey and more than a bit completely creepy. He offers to repay his debt to Arya for saving his life in a very handy way indeed.

The Night's Watch are also on the ground. Camped on a bluff well north of the Wall, Jon Snow couldn't warm to Sam's relentless positivity - he believes the First Men were scared when they holed up on "The Fist", facing threats beyond terror. So he does what any stubborn bastard would do - volunteers to join the guerilla mission against Mance Raydar. Typical heroics. Still, he wins the award for best brooding work of the series so far.

As deep as the winter snows.

Yay! (Best Moments)

Tyrion should just be given this award in perpetuity. Torturing Lancel for information in his litter; demanding his sister take the threat of Stannis seriously; and the interaction with Bronn and the pyromancer were all brilliant. But how good was realising the people don't like him? "Demon monkey?" he says forlornly.

I also adored the two Dothraki men arguing at Zaro's garden party about how they could steal the solid gold peacock statue. By the way, how can I get a dress like Danerys' turquoise and gold robe? I feel like cosplaying may be just around the corner...

Danerys has CUTE dragons! CUTE!

And finally, Gendry got his shirt off, right at the end of the episode. Kudos.

Zing! Best Line

"Our order does not deal in pigshit!" says the defensive pyromancer to Bronn. Classic.

Bronn had a number of corkers as well this episode, telling Tyrion about storing the wildfire, "This is a shit idea..."

And Tyrion to Cersei: "Schemes and plots are the same thing".

Ewww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

I thought this was going to be blue-lipped warlock guy at the Qarth garden party replicating himself, but then Creepy Rapey Guy turned up as a guard at Harrenhal. And, you know, he's uber-creepy.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

There was no Joffrey again this week, and I was a bit sad, because I would've like to see the repercussions of his encounter with the two prostitutes last week. I know they're constructed characters, and I don't know if that scene is in the book (chances are it probably isn't), but it seemed a bit of a cop-out to just have Tyrion declare that "the king is a lost cause". We already knew Joffrey was a complete shit, why show it so emphatically if you're not going to have some sort of comeuppance? Even if it was just Tyrion's reaction of horror, or maybe him slapping Joffrey about it bit. Go on, slap Joffrey about a bit.

Oh, and UPDATE!

Doy, I completely forgot to follow through with a question I raised last week - just how much does Tyrion know about his twin siblings? That was answered in part in this episode, with Tyrion using the accusation as part of a threat to Lancel. I suspect he knows it to be true, but it probably doesn't matter. It's still his family. While he certainly doesn't give a fig for Joffrey ("the king is a lost cause"), and probably doesn't care if Cersei cops it sweet, Tyrion does have affection for his brother Jaime, and for his innocent niece and nephew Myrcella and Tommen. Now my new question is - how much does Tywin know and/or believe?

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E4 Recap

2012-04-29T01:24:00.000+10:00

I must doff my cap and offer humble apologies for the tardiness of this week's Game of Thrones recap. I spent the week in the sultry climes of the South Pacific, wiling away the hours in a dreamy haze of sunshine and tropical punch.

Actually, what I was doing for much of it was reading the first book of George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. I'm about two-thirds of the way through it, and so far it's left me even more impressed with the TV series. The adaptation of Book One into Series One is truly terrific, capturing its epic nature and faithfully following the multiple narrative threads. And so far, the bits they've left out are completely justifiable.

So it was something of a shock to be jolted back into new territory, rather than the now-familiar tales of Season One. But WHAT a jolt it was. So raise the standards, remember to breathe, and here comes another edition of Raven On.

Once again, reading on from this point means MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 4: Queef of the Damned (title quipped by The Wah)

This may be the beginning of the recap, but we really must start with the end of the show.

What. The F***. Was That.

Now we're used to seeing ladies, ahem, spread their legs in this series, but crikey Moses I wasn't expecting to see the "red witch" Melisandre (aka 1980s chanteuse Kate Bush) giving birth to Lord Stannis' son, who seems to be some sort of half-formed demonic shadow man. Kate Bush obviously ignored all the cigarette packet warnings that smoke could be harmful to unborn babies; in this case it seems to have been an epidural and happy gas all rolled into one. Which you'd think might make the idea of childbirth somewhat more palatable - but frankly I'm now even more disturbed by the process than when my Gran regaled the story of having to birth my father in Iraq, in 40-degree heat, with no drugs, over a 48-hour period.

"Now that did NOT show up on the ultrasound."

Stannis himself was having a horseback confrontation with his younger brother Renly over crowns and sygils and claims to the Iron Throne. Stannis really is a humourless robot of a man; Renly is gallant and looks the part, but no doubt it will be a sticky end for him. Particularly if Loras Tyrell is involved, AMIRITE?!?!?!?

We also saw Danerys make her way to the Free City of Qarth (that's pronounced "Karth", not "Kwarth"); and do the best pleading of her life to be allowed in with her raggedy Dothraki band. We got to meet the mysterious "Thirteen", in charge of the city, and set up a new path for the so-called Mother of Dragons.

Tyrion was awesome as usual, but here's something that's been gnawing at me, particularly since beginning the book - how much does Tyrion know about Jaime and Cersei? If he's twigged to his cousin Lancel doing the nasty with his sister, surely he must know the twins have been going at it like randy blonde baboons for more than a decade. At the very least he's heard the rumours, and holding all the information is so crucial for a Hand of the King. But so far in the TV series, he's not admitted that the funny business between them is in fact VERY funny indeed.

We didn't see anything this episode of Bran and Winterfell, of the salty sea-dog Greyjoys, nor of Cersei herself or Jon Snow and the Night's Watch. Still, we did get...

Yay! (Best Moments)

...Tywin f***ing Lannister. FINALLY, some Charles Dance action this series. I didn't realise how much of an impression he'd made on me in the final episodes of Series One; but seeing him ride into Harrenhal like a boss was tremendous. Spotting the fact Arya is a girl straightaway was the cream on top. The man misses nothing - no doubt it can only be a matter of time before he twigs to who this girl actually is.

For some reason, I totally dug Margaery's bizarre stiff-round-necked gown, worn as she dispatched Petyr Baelish to his tent at Renly's encampment.

Also - is it just me, or is Robb Stark getting increasingly... sexy? Battle suits him. I'd remove his plate for him, ooo-er, guv'nor. His battlefield meeting with the healer woman was tantalising; no doubt he's found someone who piques his sword a bit more than any of the Frey daughters (one of whom he pledged to marry in return for a safe crossing of The Twins back in Series One). But it was telling that he has no plan for after his intended victory; he's still a boy in many ways. Albeit a more and more sexy one.

Zing! (Best Line)

"He's backed up, balls to brain," says Bronn to Tyrion about Joffrey. Of course, his idea on how to solve the boy-king's frustrations doesn't really turn out for the best (more on that below).

Arya taking on Yoren's lesson and repeating the names of those who've wronged her as she goes to sleep was really striking. I'm so pleased Gendry escaped the rat treatment; I hope they both stick it to the Mountain.

Ewww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Littlefinger trying to sleaze onto Catelyn Stark in Renly's encampment. Ugh, he's such a slimeball. Pretending Arya was safe and well with Sansa just to try to win her over. I wish she'd stuck him with that knife, but no, she just got Ned's bones and got all thunder-faced.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Finally, a really good opportunity to break out the boos for King Joffrey. What a foul little psychopath. First there was torturing Sansa in revenge for her brother's victories on the field; then there was his abominable treatment of the two prostitutes sent to him by Tyrion as a present. He made sure he sent his uncle back a present - although I must say I would have liked to have seen Tyrion's reaction to that this episode. Perhaps it will come next week, although the imp is already well aware of his nephew's uncomprimising shittiness.

Finally I must admit to having the thought "jump the shark" run through my head as Kate Bush delivered her shadowy babooshka on the cave floor. I really loved the first series' set-up of a world without magic. As someone who generally bypasses the fantasy genre, it helped keep the sprawling narrative grounded for me. But I realise that it was a grooming process; the whole saga is about the return of magic. And really, if Dany can mother a few dragons, then Kate Bush should be able to go running up that same hill all she likes.

Tapestry

2012-04-26T23:35:00.001+10:00

"I still have my WRNS scarf, with all my history on it, I can give it you if you like," she said.

That was last night; today she dug it out. A rough, yellowing fabric, linen I think, although my knowledge of habidashery is sadly minimal.

I've been interviewing her, on and off, for days. "We haven't even LOOKED at my memoirs file on the computer," she mock-complained to friends this evening. "She's just had me TALKING."

I've had her talking because I want to capture her stories as they come to her mind, to record her manner of speech, her delivery, her words. Editing what she's already written, fleshing it out with my own transcribed interviews - that can come later.

"If it comes," she said, rolling her eyes.

Well, I am lazy. And I have spent much of my time here sleeping and recovering from illness, letting my poor, rundown body do very little for a while. But interviews just take an eager ear and a few questions. That can be easily done on the verandah, overlooking the sparkling harbour, with the breeze gently dancing with the flowers in her garden.

It was on the verandah today where she'd brought out the scarf, as well as the crossword from the Telegraph, which she has delivered weekly. Got to keep up on the news from Blighty, even though it's a desperate place to live these days, according to the Telegraph.

The memories are wonderful, but the detail can be hard to get right. So many years, so many adventures.

Then in comes the scarf.

She got issued with it when she joined the Women's Royal Naval Service in 1943. Every base she served in is listed, along with a picture of the type of craft it serviced, and even a flag of the country the base was in. Mostly handily for the amateur family historian - it lists full dates of service in each and every place, right up until her demobbing. It's a historical document in tapestry.

The embroidery is crude, or at least that's what she thinks. But she was 17 years old when she began it. I had no sewing skills at all at 17. I still don't. Perhaps one day this blog could stand as a sort of historical document of parts of my life. But you can't feel the stitches, can't run your fingers over the coloured thread, needled into place by a young girl, who now sleeps a few metres away, much older but no less headstrong.

And she's not asleep.

"Natalie, you're still awake! You'll never get up in time tomorrow."

"Yes, I will. Go back to bed. See you in the morning."

I've got stitching of my own to do.

Do you have a 3D, almost living historical document in your family? I'd love to know what other little treasures are out there, being passed along the generations.

The Trouble With Bochenski

2012-04-23T22:37:00.000+10:00

Growing up with the surname "Bochenski" meant a constant battle against mispronunciation and mispelling. One day I'm going to write a one-woman stand-up comedy show called "The 'C' Is Silent", which will act as a stern warning to those who would CHOOSE to give their children stupidly spelt names, particularly first names.

But it seems this is not a modern problem.

In Vanuatu this week to work on the memoirs of my esteemed Grandmother, Queen Patricia Zhindhu Khambatta Bochenska (the "Queen" being the only made-up bit), I have discovered proof of the English-speaking world's inability to handle this simplest of Polish names.

My Gran married Maciej Tadeusz Bochenski in Plymouth on April 28, 1948.

Pat and Maceij in the centre; the woman in the enormous fur coat
to the right of my Gran is her mother, Eva.
I suspect the woman knew how to make a statement.

The happy couple received a stack of congratulatory telegrams, which I discovered while snooping through Gran's album collection. They're lovely things, slips of yellowing paper, topped with the crown symbol of the Post Office, almost 64 years old to the day. But gee, they make for jolly reading.

It's somewhat heartwarming to think of all those confused exchanges at the Post Office, between well-wishers and telegram operators, struggling to work out if there's an extra "z".

I've discovered all sorts of other fun facts about my grandparents' wedding and first flush of marriage.

Gran stopped in at a bakery in Padstow, waiting for the change to Plymouth, to order the cake, as she'd heard there was a good bakery there. It turned out the baker had been a navy chef, and knew Gran when she was with the WRNS in Beirut. He made her a nice three-tiered cake.

My Gran and her mother took the 4 o'clock train from Plymouth back to London, so she could get "demobbed" from the WRNS. So there was actually no wedding night, and in fact, it would be FIVE months before they were actually reunited for a proper honeymoon. The merchant ship Grandad had got a job on changed its mind and refused to take Gran as well. So she returned to London to live with her mother, until she was eventually able to get a seat on a converted Lancaster bomber and fly four days across North Africa and the Middle East to join him in Bombay.

Grandad booked them a honeymoon in the hills near Bombay, where Gran had holidayed as a girl growing up during the Raj. While they were there, a devastating hurricane hit Bombay, sinking around 15 ships, including Grandad's. All their possessions, navy clothes, wedding gifts and more went down with it.

And BEST of all! When my Gran first met my Grandad and they began courting, he was known as Rocky. Apparently, the Polish mariner used to rock from side to side while standing. Perhaps it was his remarkable sea-legs getting used to land, who knows. But the whole time, she knew him as Rocky. It eventually dawned on her that she should probably ask him his real name, in order to, you know, pledge her life to his at the altar and all that. When did she finally do it?

Why, on their wedding day of course.

April 28, 1948. A day for getting married, and finally finding out your beloved's first name.

Baby Animal Farm

2012-04-21T00:21:00.000+10:00

My inbox pinged late one Wednesday afternoon earlier this month.

"Got these prices through and they have dates available. We have two to choose from."

Below that was a quote for a mobile baby animal farm.

I posted an update to Facebook:

The reaction was explosive. "Do it!" came the near-unanimous response. I even had people offering to throw in money to defray the cost. And it dawned on me that there must be a lot of adults out there who rarely come in contact with farm animals. A few hours in the sunshine with some cuddly creatures seemed like a more popular idea for a party than a fry-up at the Playboy Mansion.

And so I started thinking, seriously, about hiring a baby animal farm.

Before that errant email, I didn't even know you could hire petting zoos, but in hindsight, of course, it makes perfect sense. What could be more fun for children at a party, save a jumping castle or beating the crap out of a clown?

Like most people, I adore most animals, particularly baby animals. There's nothing more deliciously cute than a wee lamb. And yes, that's a deliberate play on the fact that I eat the flesh of animals I find adorable.

My first action was to email the baby animal farm group, explaining how I'd wound up with their details. We began exchanging messages about the logistics of hiring a baby animal farm. It firmed as a very do-able project. For $695, I could hire a petting zoo containing: baby goats, lambs, a calf, a piglet, chickens, ducks, guinea pigs and a shetland pony.

When pony meets Warwick Capper.

I couldn't really justify paying almost $700 from my own funds (I have bills), so I thought about those offers of donations. If I made the event "Entry by Donation", and allowed people to throw whatever they liked, it could make an interesting experiment. How many people would come, and could we as a group make $700?

Then another thought occurred. What if I received more than $700 in donations? I couldn't very well keep the money, that would just be rude. A charity, then! There was an obvious choice. If I managed to make back the costs of hiring the farm, everything over could go to animal welfare.

Then I hit a moral boom gate. I couldn't very well make money for animal welfare if there was any possibility the animals of the farm were in any way mistreated themselves.

So I rang RSPCA Qld and ran the whole scenario by them. They completely got where I was coming from - wanting to put on an experience that people don't really have any more. But of course, animal welfare is their priority too, so they took the name of the company I'd made the tentative booking with, and did a search for complaints.

The company came back clear. Hooray! A step closer.

I also asked the RSPCA Qld if I could donate any proceeds to them. But that one's a bit trickier. The RSPCA has strict guidelines about what kind of fund-raising activities it will accept donations from. Even though mine is technically not fund-raising, they green lit the company, and they accepted that it's not my intention to provide pig-punching or lamb-wrestling opportunities to the general public - the event may still fall into the category of "using animals for entertainment".

So I'm still waiting on a final decision on that; but I accept the RSPCA has to manage its reputation. And I'd hate to open them up to attack simply because I wanted to bottle-feed a goat. Whatever happens, I'm sure there will be some animal welfare charity out there that will accept any extra funds.

I then rang the Brisbane City Council to find out about booking a local park in which to hold this ridiculous idea, given that my second storey apartment is not ideal. Turns out that's relatively easy to do - just fork out a $300 bond, fully refundable if there's no damage to the park.

So just over two weeks since that original email landed by mistake in my inbox, I can announce:

Hardgrave Park is opposite the Brisbane Arts Theatre, and they've kindly agreed to put on a sausage sizzle on the day.

So, if you're in Brisbane come along, for a few minutes, or a few hours. Throw some money in my hat. Play with some animals in a fun, happy way. Buy a sausage. Hell, bring a picnic and enjoy the autumn sunshine. See what sort of crazy schemes can come out of a missent email!

There is a Facebook event listing too, if you'd like to sign up that way!

WTF? New Clumsy!

2012-04-18T23:32:00.000+10:00

Welcome to the refreshed, rejuvenated, revived and renaissance-d Girl Clumsy HQ.

For several months now, I have been working diligently with the divine Ms Sharon Carpenter, Esquire-ess, Supplier of Fine Boutique Websites for the Distinguished and World Domination-Inclined.

This week, Ms Carpenter and I have been holed up in her three-storey underground eco-lair near the Melbourne seaside, emerging only to restock the lair's supply of flavoured sparkling mineral water and scare pelicans off the satellite dish.

I have been struggling with a cold, and have been pepped up with a pseudoephedrine supply that would impress even Gold Coast policemen. So really, it is the divine Ms Carpenter who deserves all the credit for building the entire thing. There was a brief delay while she had to derail some sort of North Korean satellite project, I'm not sure, she doesn't tell me the details, just gets this steely look of determination on her face and says things like "I took out your Dad, I can get you too, Jong-un".

But that's OK, I spent the time picking out pretty colours and saying useful things like "Umm... can I
have one of those things that, like, scrolls through different images, and stuff?"

And voila! Ms Carpenter has delivered her payload. At least, that's what the UN warrant nailed to the
postbox that doubles as the eco-lair's ancillary entrance says.

I hope you all enjoy having a look around the new site; there will no doubt be a few tweaks to come, as Ms Carpenter lets me loose on the back end of things, I break it, and she subsequently has to clean up the mess, muttering something about the Taliban being more tech-savvy than me.

While you're here, why not be reminded that there is a spectacular ImproMafia show this Saturday 21 April at the Brisbane Arts Theatre. The show is called Prognosis: Death! Big House, and it's a schlock medical comedy (prison) riot. I will be in it, getting covered in fake blood and gore and all manner of delightful things.

It's a really fun show, and I've love to get a big crowd. Tickets are just $12, and you can grab them at the door, or get them online now.

Please let me know what you think of the new design, and if you encounter any problems. And I should point out that the devine Ms Carpenter is available for hire at incredibly reasonable rates, payable via the highly convenient method of a network of untraceable, double encrypted Swiss bank accounts.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E3 Recap

2012-04-17T23:08:00.000+10:00

It wasn't really in doubt, but this week's Game of Thrones episode proved conclusively that Tyrion Lannister is the best character ever committed to celluloid. Ever. Full stop. OK, fine, except maybe Xena and James Bond.

But maybe that's just my opinion. Let's see what yours is - after we put the iron in your islands and the baby in your belly, with another Game of Thrones recap!

And now, be warned ... MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode Three: It's About the Gender, Stupid

My initial thoughts about this episode was that it focused on gender roles more strongly than perhaps ever before: Catelyn's job as messenger for her son Robb; Renly's new bride taking charge in the bedroom when he is unable to do his kingly duties with her; the warrior Brienne (I'm no lady") wounding Loras' ego even more than his body; Shae as Sansa's new handmaiden; and Theon Greyjoy trying desperately to play catch-up with his sister.

But Tyrion's sublime turkey-shoot set-up of Pycelle, Littefinger and Varys swept all that aside, and it all became about intrigue and political wiles and Peter Dinklage's god-damned brilliantly nuanced performance.

"Well, Bronn, I think that's this year's Emmy sewn up."

However, even that masterfully scripted, perfectly paced set of scenes had a foundation in gender politics - specifically, the tenet of using the girl bride Myrcella to secure strategic support; while actually working to root out untrustworthy colleagues, and dish out a bit of brotherly payback on Cersei.

Poor Cersei. She really is losing it. Varys' profoundly beautiful riddle to Tyrion - "Power resides where men believe it resides" - has specific application for her. She has no real power in King's Landing, despite her boasts to Littlefinger in the first episode. Her own eldest son doesn't even eat dinner with her anymore; all she can do is instruct Sansa to answer Myrcella's questions. And when Pycelle obviously spills the beans about the Martell deal (losing Cersei her chief spy), the family-first politician in her that could see the benefits of an alliance is overruled by the emotion of motherhood, and her own quite tragic experience of a political marriage.

Speaking of which, Renly is now shacked up with Margaery of House Tyrell, sister of his real lover, Loras, the Knight of the Flowers. The reveal that the large, fierce warrior was actually a woman, Brienne of Tarth, was not wholly surprising, but still well done. Surely she'll have to come up against the Hound or the Mountain at some point?

And we've got the Greyjoy subplot moving along, with Theon swearing allegiance again to the Iron Islands' Drowned God. He did have a nice moment exposing the hypocrisy of his Dad, yelling "You gave me away!" after Balon once again sneered at him for becoming weak due to his exposure to wolves. I really want to see Theon return to the Stark fold; but I fear it will be a long time if it ever happens.

Yay! (Best Moments)

You mean, apart from everything Tyrion did this episode?

Catelyn telling Renly that his army won't last, because "they are the knights of summer, and winter is coming". Boo-yah.

I loved Shae's arrival as Sansa's new handmaiden. For a moment, we got to see a bit of the snotty Sansa of old, which was actually charming in its way, now that we know she's not really a bratty teen queen. But then Sansa realised that having a companion may not be a bad thing, and asked her to brush her hair. Remember, in the first episode of Series One, our first real introduction to Sansa was as Catelyn brushed her hair. She's still a teenage girl, and must long for some decent motherly affection. Shae will hopefully become a good ally. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing their relationship develop; and how Tyrion plays into it.

And Sam gets another look-in with his sweet request that one of Captain Incest's daughters keep his mother's thimble for him until he gets back.

Zing (Best Line)

After Lannister thugs shoot Yoren in the chest with a crossbow, the hard man of the Wall declares "I always hated crossbows; take too long to load", before drawing his sword and whooping some major ass. It took half a dozen men to bring him down. Alas, poor Yoren left this world, but what a way to go.

He may be dead, but I still reckon he could take everybody.

I also loved Margeary, King Renly's "officially" virginal bride saying "Do you want my brother to come in and help? Or I could turn around and you could pretend it's him?" Let it never be said the women of Westeros aren't problem solvers.

Ewww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Jon Snow's realisation that Mormont knows all about Captain Incest's hobby of dishing up his boy-children as sacrifices, and deals with him anyway. He may be wearing black, but life beyond the wall is certainly grey.

The Lannister thug spearing a young boy's neck with Arya's sword was pretty awful. But it did give Arya a chance to get Gendry off the hook, at least for now.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Still no Joffrey to boo at. Mind you, there was no Stannis, no Robb, no Jaime, not even any Danerys this episode - that's what you get with a sprawling narrative.

The biggest boo sucks then would have to go to Theon Greyjoy, for burning that letter he wrote to Robb Stark - who he had sworn an oath to! - to warn him of his father's plans to raid the North. As if things weren't already complicated enough.

Sadly, next week's Raven On is going to be late - I'm heading out of town for a few days where access is unlikely. But never fear, it shall return as soon as I do!

Titanic: A Memorial Viewing

2012-04-15T19:09:00.000+10:00

The last time my good buddy Disco Stu and I got together to watch a movie based on sea-going adventures, it was the naughty nautical romp Pirates.

Given it’s the 100th year anniversary of the maiden voyage, iceberg strike and sinking of the Titanic (it was a very busy week for the White Star Line), we decided to team up again for another cinematic pilgrimage – this time for James Cameron’s 1997 epic Titanic.

I hadn’t sat through the entire film since seeing in at the cinema in late ’97; Stu had never watched it in its entirety, although like most people he absorbed most of it through osmosis. It’s now got a slightly naff reputation about it; Stu declared the viewing “an exercise in masochism.” But then masochism shared is masochism halved - which may not be exactly what a masochist wants, but that’s by the by.

Now while only Kate Winslet gets her boobs out, we thought there would be plenty of chances for gags about “all hands on deck”, and “going down with the ship”. But as it turns out the jokes and satirical commentary gave way to a surprising dose of Stockholm’s Syndrome.

The movie is over three hours long, and while I have been judicious with editing our commentary, the transcription that follows is quite lengthy. You have been warned!

The credits play, and the movie opens with a deep water submersible visiting the actual Titanic wreck.

DS: That’s how this all started – James Cameron was mad keen on deepwater diving, and wanted to film the wreck.
GC: So are you saying it was a tax write-off?
DS: Pretty much, yeah.

Bill Paxton films himself discussing the majesty of the ship.

DS: Oh I forgot Bill Paxton was in this.
GC: He’s doing selfies, before selfies were invented.
DS: I was actually a geek for this stuff when I was at school.
GC: Of course you couldn’t make Titanic today, because the central premise is that the Rose character is still alive.
DS: Yeah, the timeline wouldn’t work.

Grainy video footage of the interior of the hull, and shots of the robot camera, nicknamed Scooby-Doo.

DS: He was my favourite unsung character. You never saw any toys of him.
GC: He’s like the original Wall-E.
Scooby-Doo finds a safe.
DS: I’d completely forgot about this – they were treasure hunters!
GC: They’re looking for the diamond, the Heart of the Ocean.

Bill Paxton and his treasure hunters get prematurely excited, but when they crack open the safe, no diamond.
GC: WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT IT’S JUST SOME PAPER WHAT THE F***WHERE’S OUR DIAMOND IT’S JUST ALL RUBBISH
DS: Game over man, game over.

They uncover the nude drawing of a young Rose.

DS: This was a pencil sketch, but it survived underwater?
GC: Well, it was in a leather bound journal.

Bill Paxton takes a phone call from old Rose, who asks if he’s found the diamond. She then confesses the woman in the picture is her.

BOTH: DAH-DAH-DAHHHH!!!!

DS: With the surging of the music just then, it reminded me of Jurassic Park, and just I thought how much better this movie would be if it just had dinosaurs in it.
GC: I just had images of raptors sliding down the decks…

Old Rose arrives on the recovery boat. She looks at her picture, then at other relics from the seabed, including her mirror, and notes how her face has changed.

DS: It is interesting to view this movie as the dementia-addled delusions of an old person.
GC: Maybe they chose that as the humanising element, the life lived… because I don’t want to spoil things for you Stu, but I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio is going to make it.

Bill Paxtons’ tech crew mate shows Rose the simulation of the sinking.
DS: This guy is basically me as a kid.
GC: There’s a certain physical similarity too, with the beard.
DS: I was a strange, lonely child.
GC: That’s all right, I was obsessed with serial killers.
Beardy guy finishes his speech by saying “Pretty cool, huh?” to a woman who survived the actual sinking.
GC: Like who would actually say that to someone who was on the Titanic? Even if you thought it privately, you wouldn’t say it…
DS: You’d have to be sperging pretty hard…
GC: Sperging?
DS: Yeah, sperging, as in Aspergers?
GC: Ohhh. That’s a thing now?
DS: Apparently.

We follow Rose’s memories back to April 1912, when she arrived portside at Southampton to board Titanic. Young Rose exits a Rolls Royce and famously tilts her be-hatted head up to look at the vessel.
GC: Whenever I see this moment, I always think of the Futurama Titanic parody.
BILLY ZANE appears, as Cal Hockley, Rose’s fiancé.
BOTH: BILLY ZANE!!!
GC: What is he up to these days?
DS: I was just going to say, there is an actor who is not getting enough work.
BILLY ZANE bribes a White Star line steward to ensure his luggage is checked on quickly.
GC: You can already tell that he’s evil. You just know.
DS: He’s very rich, you see.
GC: Why are those people having their heads examined?
DS: They’re having lice checks, because they’re filthy commoners.
We glimpse first class dogs boarding with their owners.
GC: But dogs, just let them onboard.

Leonardo DiCaprio appears for the first time as Jack, playing poker to win tickets onboard the ship.
GC: Tony Martin always used to say girls would regret fawning over Leo, because he was a dead ringer for a young Bert Newton.
DS: Leo definitely has gone a bit moon-faced.
Jack wins the tickets and celebrates with his Italian friend Fabrizio.
DS: This whole scene seems fairly implausible. Like, if you’re going to get a ship to America, it doesn’t seem like it would be the Titanic.
GC: WE’RE-A GOING-TO AMEEERRRICA!
DS: What are an Italian stereotype and an American doing in Southampton anyway?
GC: Well he travels, Jack, he’s very worldly.
DS: Fabrizio’s turned up the ethnicity to eleven.
The engines start, and the Titanic putt-putts out to sea.
DS: Oh, there go the propellors.
GC: Wow, look at that CGI. That’s Xena-level CGI.

Cut to Rose’s stateroom, where’s she’s busy hanging artworks by someone called “Picasso” that everyone else hates.
GC: See, she’s the intellectual who knows they’re worthy.
Jack and Fabrizio head to the prow.
DS: Here’s THAT scene. Are you even allowed up there as a passenger?
GC: Eh, back in the day.
DS: I suppose health and safety standards weren’t as strict back then.
GC: Maybe if they had been Stu, this whole thing would never have happened.
Captain Theodan from Lord of the Rings is at the bridge. He’s playing Captain Smith.
GC: I love that’s the extent of Captain Theodan’s acting - it’s just a lot of leaning on railings. Cup of tea, put my hands on the railing, that’s all the acting I need to do.
DS: That’s the extent of the captaining he did too.

Fabrizio gets excited. I CAN-A SEE THE-A STATUE OF-A LIBERTY ALL-A-READY!

DS: Oh that Italian accent is amazing.
GC: I wonder if he’s actually Italian, and we’re just mocking his real accent?
DS: I don’t know, there are stereotypes and then there are stereotypes.
Jack famously declares himself the “king of the world!”, and stands triumphantly behind Fabrizio.
GC: That looks a bit homoerotic now actually.
DS: They’re sort of leaning up against each other. I always thought he said this line while Rose was there.
GC: He repeats it with Rose and the flying bit later on.
DS: Yeah, and it’s kind of funny now realising there’s a swarthy Italian man who’s there instead.

It’s lunchtime, and Kate Winslet is smoking.
DS: A bit Hunter Thompson like, with a holder, which is what I like.
It becomes a game of “Who’s That Actor?”
GC: That’s the guy from Alias as the ship’s architect.
DS: That’s Kathy Bates, right?
GC: Yeah.
DS: And that guy, he was in Jumanji.
Rose disses White Star line manager Bruce Ismay’s love of size by quoting a famous psychoanalyst.
GC: See, she’s clever, well-read, knows Freud.
DS: And she’s sassy.
BILLY ZANE says he’ll have to control what Rose reads more.
DS: So they never even go out of their way to make BILLY ZANE even a little bit charming?
GC: No, I think they thought, you’ve got one dimension, and that’s all you need.

Old Rose narrates about how imprisoned she felt which prompts her to attempt suicide by jumping off the back of the ship.
DS: This is fairly abrupt.
GC: They don’t have any time, they need to spend two hours on the sinking.
DS: I just feel like this wasn’t earned, we haven’t seen her miserable enough.
GC: Maybe there were some cut scenes?
DS: Maybe BILLY ZANE being all evil and oppressive.
Jack intervenes to talk Rose down. Or rather, up. Off, at the very least.
DS: Everyone seems to be of the time, but he’s not, he’s the modern kid.
GC: He’s talking like a teenager in the 1990s.
DS: He’s not even attempting speech patterns, it’s like he’s just walked in off a sitcom.
GC: I never understand the crazed fandom of Leo. I mean, I get that he’s kind of cute and boyish.
DS: I can understand in an objective way.

Hubbub erupts as Jack’s rescue of a dishevelled Rose looks a bit suspicious to security guards. Cut to an interrogation scene of sorts, where Rose jumps in to say it was an accident, and an old general blusters “Women and machinery do not mix!”
GC: Bwa-ha-ha-ha I’ve got a moustache.
DS: They managed to get him into handcuffs and her into a blanket before anyone’s asked any pertinent questions about what happened.
BILLY ZANE sarcastically invites Jack to dinner as a thank you.
GC: BILLY ZANE is evil.

Totes evil.

BILLY ZANE gives Rose the Coeur de la Mer , which of course she translates as the Heart of the Ocean. She clasps her neck in a metaphorical gesture.
BOTH: IT’S A CHAIN!

Very awkward scene of Rose and Jack walking on the deck. She complains about her life, he asks if she loves BILLY ZANE, and then she gets somewhat inappropriately prissy about it all.
GC: This is so badly written.
DS: It’s like three different scenes.
GC: Just completely overblown. They didn’t need to argue here.
DS: They were just having a fight, now she’s looking at his art.
Rose says Jack must have had a love affair with one of the girls in his drawings. He says no, just with her hands.
DS: Glad we’ve got that sorted out.

Inside, Ismay demands Captain Theodan increase the ship’s speed.
GC: After this conversation, I’m going to the nearest railroad track to tie a young woman to it.
DS: He is from a silent movie..
Jack promises to teach Rose how to ride a horse like a man, which prompts a spitting lesson.
DS: I do not remember this scene. Understandably it doesn’t make it into a lot of highlight reels.
GC: At the Oscars.
DS: Yeah, here’s the Titanic spitting scene.

Cut to dinner, where Jack’s managed to procure a suit, and is barely recognisable to anyone but Rose, in her finery.
DS: You can tell why a lot of girls fell for this film. Romance, girls in pretty dresses.
GC: Oh yes.
Rose introduces Jack to the cream of society, including millionaire John Jacob Astor.
DS: Oh, he’s that guy.
GC: Isn’t he from a soap opera?
DS: Yeah, he’s from Days of Our Lives.
GC: No, it’s Young and the Restless.

After an uptight dinner where BILLY ZANE does his best to undermine Jack, but he inspires a toast nonetheless, he invites Rose to “the real party” in steerage.
GC: Upstairs it’s all proper string quartets and whatnot, and down below it’s all bodhrans and fiddles and liveliness.
DS: Now play Whisky in the Jar.
Rose shows off her party trick of going en pointe barefoot.
GC: Pfffft. Actually impossible to do. Well, I tried a lot anyway.
Rose is smoking again.
GC: She’s having a wee fag. AND A CIGARETTE!
DS: Leonardo DiCaprio’s lawyers will be in contact with you shortly.

The next morning, BILLY ZANE chucks a fit and throws Rose’s breakfast table at her.
DS: BILLY ZANE.
GC: Clean-up on aisle three.
Rose’s mother forbids her from seeing Jack again.
DS: Oh that always works.
GC: This is a nice little bit of acting though. These sorts of intimate, particularly feminine closet scenes, is what Kate Winslet does best. The semi-comedy they were trying to do earlier just didn’t come off.
The upper-crusts sing the hymn that ends “for those in peril on the sea”.
DS: FOREBODING
GC: FORESHADOW

Rose and Co. head to the bridge just in time to see Captain Theodan get an iceberg warning. He declared it normal, and in fact he’s speeding up.
GC: Like Keanu Reeves in Speed.
Rose asks the guy from Alias about lifeboats, and she’s done the sums in her head and knows there’s not enough lifeboats.
GC: This scene always drove me batshit crazy. Like how would she know that? Why would she be wandering around the ship checking out lifeboat numbers?
BILLY ZANE says even the ones they have are unnecessary on an unsinkable ship. Cause he’s an IDIOT.

Jack grabs Rose for a private chat, and declares her a “spoiled little brat”.
DS: Not the best pick-up line.
GC: But she’s not a brat!
DS: He’s being just as forceful as BILLY ZANE is. And we’re supposed to root for him …because he’s poor?
GC: Her future is tied to one of these two men. She must choose one or the other, there is no third option.

Rose joins Jack on the prow.
GC: God this is so clichéd.
DS: Look at that background, it’s like something out of an animated film.
The melody of “My Heart Will Go On” starts to pick up.
DS: Christ, you could not get away from this song.
GC: Yeah, and they don’t really do theme songs from movies anymore…
DS: Where that song would be a chart hit.
Rose opens her eyes and says “I’m flying!”
GC: It’s so naff, but you can imagine how 15-year-old girls would react to this.
DS: I just got a sense of déjà vu to the first Superman movie where they’re flying around together.
GC: Well, I’m not sure if I’ve seen that movie completely, but I’ve seen the Hot Shots! parody of it.

Moments later, they’re back in her suite where she’s going to pose nude with the diamond. Rose drops her robe, then it jump cuts to Jack’s face.
DS: They’ve cut that right to the frame.
GC: It’s so hard to draw when you’ve got a massive erection.
DS: You need a table to rest your notebook on, you can’t just put it in your lap.
GC: It’d be funny if they just cut back to his drawing, and it was just a crude outline of some boobs. And he says “I’ve done this, can we just have sex now?”
DS: Perhaps stick figures.
Kate Winslet looks winsome nude.
DS: It’s funny that no one ever remembers that Kate Winslet gets her tits out in this movie.
GC: Oh, I think you’ll find some people do.

A Google search turned up a censored version. Thank heavens for that
black strip, or who knows what horrors we'd all be exposed to.

BILLY ZANE and his shifty assistant/spy start looking for Rose.
GC: Why didn’t they look in her room?
DS: You’d think that’d be first on their list.
GC: And the guy just opens the door and says “Excuse me, are you…. WOAH!”
DS: “WOAH!”
GC: “Do you want to get a robe or something?”

Meanwhile on the bridge, all looks good. The water is like a “millpond”.
DS: It’s quiet. A little too quiet.

Jack and Rose go running through the ship to avoid Mr Shifty, giving him the finger as they descend in a lift. They eventually find the cargo hold and nude up in a Rolls Royce or Model T-Ford or whatever.
GC: Wasn’t that a joke at the time, that they’re on the most epic romantic cruise liner of all time, but they’re teenagers so they still find a car to have sex in?

BILLY ZANE rifles through the safe and finds Jack’s porno drawing of his fiancé. Meanwhile Jack and Rose run away from stewards again, and onto the ship’s deck. Two crewmen up in the Crow’s Nest warm the chill by observing Jack and Rose’s passion.
DS: So essentially Cameron is blaming Jack and Rose, for distracting the lookouts from seeing the iceberg?

Oh yeah, the iceberg. It hoves into view, and the crewman start ringing bells. “Iceberg! Right ahead!” We’re silent while the iceberg tears into the side of the ship.
GC: Now I feel bad. It’s sad.
DS: I’ve got to admit, that was pretty effective.
GC: Yeah, you think, just turn it…
DS: Just a little bit more… aww, they hit it.

A steward tells a concerned passenger that it’s nothing to be worried about; meanwhile the guy from Alias and other officials are freaking out. Jack and Rose go to warn her mother and BILLY ZANE, only to have Mr Shifty frame Jack up as a diamond thief, and have him sent to the brig. Then BILLY ZANE slaps Rose.
GC: BILLY ZANE!

The evacuation is underway. Steerage passengers start getting clogged up. A nice Irish lady tells her kids they’re putting first class passengers on boats first.
GC: Because that's right and proper and all.

Rose joins her mother and other nice ladies in a queue for a boat. She tells off her mother for hoping the boats would be seated according to class, then eventually calls BILLY ZANE an unimaginable bastard and spits in his eye.
DS: YEAHHH.
GC: She hocked a loogie, right at Cal Hockley.

Rose goes to rescue Jack, but water starts seeping up hallways.
DS: That would be vaguely unsettling.
GC: It’s kind of like The Shining.

Rose bumps into the guy from Alias, who tells her where to find Jack.
GC: It’s quite fortunate she ran into him. What with this massive ship with the emergency going on and all.

Rose finds Jack, but without a key, he sends her off to find help to free him from his handcuffs.
GC: You can’t find help! You’re underwater!

Meanwhile stewards tell steerage passengers to stay behind the gates.
DS: Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
GC: I guess this is panic stations really.

BILLY ZANE approaches First Officer Murdoch about getting past the whole “women and children first” deal, and getting himself on a lifeboat.
GC: I’m BILLY ZANE. I must go on.
DS: There must always be BILLY ZANE.

Jack and Rose come across BILLY ZANE, and both men convince Rose to get in a lifeboat.
GC: Part of me wishes to see the movie where Rose thought, “This is sensible, I’ll get in the lifeboat, Jack’s doing this for me, even the heartless BILLY ZANE is doing this for me.”
BILLY ZANE informs Jack he has a way off – but not for Jack.
GC: I’m taking this moment of heartbreaking international tragedy to smear your face in faeces.
DS: I’m absolutely gloating.
As she’s being lowered, Rose realises she can’t leave Jack.
DS: Never let go!
GC: Never let go!
DS: Until she does at the end.
GC: Everyone always goes on about that! But come on, the guy was dead. He’s dead.

BILLY ZANE chases them, then shoots at them.
DS: What we see here is James Cameron trying to add more drama to the sinking of the largest cruise ship the world has ever known.
GC: It just wasn’t dramatic enough.
DS: What we needed was a man with a gun.
GC: You always need a man with a gun.
BILLY ZANE realises he’s out of bullets.
DS:: Damn you, pistol, I command you to work.
Jack and Rose get trapped in water.
DS: They look absolutely petrified there, and I don’t blame them, that would be terrifying, even just as actors.

A lifeboat falls on a few people as they try to manoeuvre it to the correct position for launch. BILLY ZANE tries to cash in on his deal with Murdoch, who promptly throws the cash in his face. The crowd surges and a nice Irish fellow is shot, along with someone else from third-class. Fabrizio says BASTARDO!
GC: I think this caused some controversy.
Shocked, Murdoch shoots himself and crumples into the water. The crowd surges again.
GC: No time for personal tragedies; we’ve got a large tragedy to deal with.
BILLY ZANE grabs a crying kid and uses it to get onto a lifeboat.
DS: Come child, you must be my pawn.

Elsewhere on the deck, the band starts playing “Nearer My God to Thee”.
GC: It’s a sad song to play really. “We’re all f***ed, we’re so f***ed, we might as well…
BOTH: …play ourselves off.”

We see more people getting ready to die.
GC: Aww, look at the old people cuddling in bed together. How terrifying would that be?
DS: There go the Picassos.
Mr Guggenheim, dressed to the nines to meet his fate, looks at the water coming up to claim him.
DS: I’ve made a terrible mistake.

We start seeing desperate passengers jump/fall off the back of the ship.
GC: It’s actually quite chilling seeing people jumping off, because do you remember that thing about September 11, when people jumped out of the Twin Towers to escape? And people said they wouldn’t do that, they wouldn’t kill themselves, but they’re in a burning building…
DS: So yes, they probably could do that.

The middle of the vessel starts to crack. A funnel collapses, taking out Jack’s best friend.
BOTH: FABRIZIO!!!!
Everyone else is rushing to the stern. Rose tells Jack this is where they first met.
GC: You know, two days ago? It’s been such a wild ride.
DS: So much has happened since then. Possibly too much.
Pause.
DS: Here comes guy who falls through the propellor…
GC: Woooo….
BOTH: BOOM!

The stern continues to rise, the lights go off.
GC: That sucks. I think the light is the last thing left to keep any kind of sanity.
Down goes another funnel. And another.
GC: It’s quite sickening really.
DS: Yeah.
GC: That’s the thing, I haven’t watched this for so long, and now I just think it’s really sickening. I can’t remember what I thought of all the horror of it at the time. It seems all too easy to slag it off.
DS: It’s actually hideous in a way, because he’s made this love story in the middle of this actual disaster. It’s like someone in 50 years’ time making a love story set on the Twin Towers on September 11.
GC: I wonder if that’ll happen?
DS: Probably.

Jack and Rose look down at impending doom.
DS: That would be a pretty f***ed up sight, looking down at the sinking ship.
GC: How has old Rose not got post-traumatic stress disorder?
Jack instructs Rose on how to survive the sinking, taking a deep breath then kicking upwards, and holding onto his hand.
GC: Never let go, never let go. She let go. OK, she let go there.

Cut to a mass of screaming people in the ocean.
GC: Basically everyone’s living on adrenalin at this point.
Some dude tries to use Rose as a buoy.
DS: Turns out human beings can be f***s.
Jack tells Rose he needs her to swim.
GC: She probably can’t swim.
DS: But she’s so sassy.
Jack and Rose have a touching final scene, in which he tells her she will die an old lady, warm in her bed. She replies that she can’t feel her body.
GC: I’ll feel it for you.
DS: You leave that to me.

Cut to Horatio Hornblower/Mr Fantastic rowing a lifeboat through now-corpses to find any signs of life.
GC: It’s like the Harry Potter and Dumbledore boating through the Inferi in Voldemort’s cave.
Kate Winslet looks at the stars, as she hears the rescue crew yelling in the distance.
GC: Aww, he’s dead. I’m sad. I’m finding myself more reluctant to…
DS: It is kind of a shame that he makes it ALL the way, he’s imprisoned and everything, and it’s the cold that gets him.
GC: Never let go Rose. They’re going away Rose.
DS: Say something Rose. Pipe up, Rose, for God’s sake.

Rose lets go of Jack, and he sinks. She swims over to a dead crewman, and uses his whistle to call back the rescue boat.
DS: They always say on planes that the light and the whistle are there to attract attention. And it works!
Young Rose takes Jack’s surname of Dawson on arrival in New York, to start a new life. Old Rose talks about a woman’s heart being a deep ocean of secrets, and the crew tell her there’s no record of Jack at all.
DS: Almost like it was a made up story.

Old Rose goes to the edge of the boat, to reveal the Heart of the Ocean diamond in her palm.
DS: She had it the whole time.
She tosses it off the edge.
DS: Oh well, whatever.
GC: Now I remember when I first saw this, I’m sure I thought that was a romantic gesture, oh, it belongs to the ocean, but now ….f*** that shit.
DS: It’s actually quite a valuable diamond.
GC: It should be in a museum or something.
DS: It’s quite irresponsible.

Cut to Old Rose in her cabin, surrounded by pictures of her long life.
DS: So hang on, did Bill Paxton give up on the diamond because she told her story?
GC: They never really explain that.

Cut back to the Titanic’s staircase, with the ship’s crew all applauding as Rose walks in to meet Jack.
DS: What we have here is a bit of symbolism.
GC: That’s obviously a dream, but why?
DS: I think she’s dead.
GC: But in the song it says “every night in my dreams”.
DS: Ooh, ambigious.
GC: I thought it was just her dreaming
DS: But I took that to mean that she died, and she’s back with Jack.
GC: But she married someone else, wouldn’t she go back to him, because they spent half their lives together?
DS: You’d think so, but this guy was obviously the love of her life, for two days on the Titanic.

So final thoughts?

We seemed to agree that Titanic is both a seminal film, and nothing special. We definitely agreed that Celine Dion’s voice is grating. But we couldn’t rag on it as much as we expected to, because the actual tragedy it portrays was real, and the film does manage to capture the starkness of that horror – even if it falls short in terms of well-rounded characters and believable dialogue.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E2 Recap

2012-04-10T00:52:00.000+10:00

Sound the alarums, alert the bannermen and for the old gods' sake get some clothes on - it's time for another Game of Thrones recap!

Ah, Raven On. I'm still utterly delighted with that name.

Thanks to those of you who read and commented on the first installment. My plan to do recaps was actually mentioned on the most recent Televised Revolution podcast; admittedly after co-host Dan described TV recaps as "the worst thing ever". So I just wanted to reiterate that these are meant to be a bit of fun. I read the wonderful recap on the i09 last week, which was practically thesis-like in its discussion of broad themes and how they played out on a personal level in the first episode. I can't see mine being that lofty; more an excuse for a bunch of nob gags.

So here now comes the jump cut; if you click and expand you may read MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode Two: Nevermind the Incest; Here's the Sex (With Incest)

It was a bit of a sexy episode wasn't it? There was sex on a ship, sex in a brothel room, sex just outside a brothel room, sex on what appeared to be a Warhammer tabletop game, and even sex on a horse.

Sadly no.

But there were key plot points being driven forward too.

Umm.

Oh yeah! Arya and Gendry on their Night's Watch trek. It was great to see everyone's second-favourite imp being all "I'm a boy, I'm not scared" on the King's Road north. If you weren't fully confident in Yoren's badass-ed-ness, he certainly proved it with his steely-eyed, steely-groined intimidation of the Lannister soliders sent to track down King Robert's bastard son. Gendry himself is fast becoming one of my favourites, and his interplay with Arya on discovering not her gender (he'd worked that one out) but her lineage was delightful.

There was no Joffrey this week (Boo! I mean, yay! No wait, boo! because I love to boo at Joffrey); instead the King's Landing events focused on Tyrion and his Machiavellian routing of the new City Watch captain Jonas Slynt. All Dornish wine and pork crackling, and then bang, off to the Wall with you, and three cheers for your replacement, Bronn.

Ecstatic as I was with this development (I can't wait to see Bronn in action in an official capacity), it could very well backfire on Tyrion, as Bronn seems happy enough with his own moral vacuum to make sure "How much?" was the only question he'd need to ask before skewering a baby.

Tyrion also faced spidery threats from the ever-charming Varys, who discovered his illicit companion Shae, although politely refused her "fish pie" (the GoT drinking game should be expanded to included vagina metaphors); and had a run-in with his sister, which got very personal.

As an aside, I have developed a degree of sympathy with Queen Cersei. Don't get me wrong, she's completely misguided, but I love the growing sense of frustration and hostility she has towards the male-dominated culture she lives in. In a telling moment, she accused both Tyrion and Jaime of never taking the business of ruling seriously, and how it's fallen to her. She's a woman who had to live with a buffoonish husband, and is now realising she's losing control of her arrogant son. Privately, she must rage against being surrounded by these idiots.

Of course as Tyrion points out, she's getting the business of ruling all wrong, refusing to help the common people or send more men to the Wall - but in Cersei's mind, she's the one actually doing the hard yards to protect the throne.

Episode Two also saw the introduction of the Iron Islands, and fleshing out a bit more of the Theon Greyjoy storyline. Flesh being the operative word, as young Greyjoy got busy with a ship's wench well below decks (oo-er), before getting all Equus on a horse with a pant-suited chick who TURNS OUT TO BE HIS SISTER. Yara is now his father's favourite, so creepy incest aside, yay go feminism and chicks rule.

Having said that, I don't think Greyjoy's fragile ego is going to take the humiliation well. His father may well be a salt-encrusted anger management course dropout, but I suspect Theon will come up with some grossly over-the-top act of stupidity to try to prove he's still Daddy's little kraken.

Yay! (Best Moments)

Lovely Sam up beyond the Wall, trying to help out one of Captain Incest's pregnant daughters. She obviously feared what would become of the child if it were a boy... a fear well-grounded as the chilling final moments of the episode proved. But isn't Sam just so sweet and well-meaning? He is perhaps the one character in the show without any ulterior motives. His complete lack of canniness or conniving is so refreshing. I loved him telling Jon Snow's massive direwolf Ghost to back off.

Zing (Best Line)

Tyrion had some more corkers this week; but I loved Arya's rejoinder to Gendry when he asked why she insulted people bigger than her: "Well then I wouldn't get to insult anyone".

And the new character, pirate Salladhor Saan, kept it real by declaring his forces for Stannis, on the proviso he can have it off with Queen Cersei should they take King's Landing. Turns out he's not a religious man: "The only God is between a woman's legs". Hey, that explains the small cathedral on my upper left thigh!

Ewww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Littlefinger's couched warning to Ros that her emotions were not welcome in his bordello. "Take the night off to mourn the child... then come back tomorrow happy. That makes me happy." I've never liked Lord Baelish, but I'm starting to loathe him. I really hope Catelyn Stark knifes him at some point. It's got to be her, surely.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Maybe it's just me, but I found the Stannis/Kate Bush sex-on-a-LARP-board scene a bit over the top, particularly the shots of battle pieces falling to the ground. If Stannis has been loyal to his wife all this time, even though she's born him no heirs, would he really just drop that all for a naked red-haired, dead-eyed loony nymphette priestess' promise she could give him a son? And OK, fine, if that's just a stupid question - how can someone so matter-of-fact, who's been aligning with the God of the Light only for political expediency, so easily be convinced into the religion by a quick bumping of the uglies on top of his freshly-painted Orcs and Chaos Space Marines?

That's it for this week - would love to hear your thoughts, ideas and nob jokes in the comments! If you know anyone who is a fan of the series and is watching, spread the word and get them to join in.

Never A Bridesmaid

2012-04-07T22:39:00.001+10:00

I came to the Samantha Brick brouhaha somewhat late. After finally reading the English columnist's first "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful" piece, then her follow up "You Trollers Have Just Gone and Proved My Point" rejoinder, I thought perhaps I should write about it.

My initial idea for a response on the topic was an ironic parody in which I too identified as heart-achingly beautiful, and echoed the troubles that Samantha herself encounters by merely existing. But that got done pretty quickly.

My next idea was to point out how The Daily Mail must be laughing all the way to the bank with this hullabullo; whether or not they deliberately put Samantha Brick up to it, or just cashed in on the massive response doesn't really matter - the click-throughs, the comments, the media coverage must be absolutely delighting the paper's publishers. But then I read this great piece from Jezebel, which covers those points much more eloquently. There's also this insightful column that outlines how no one cared about some of the other things Samantha Brick wrote about, some quite sad things, until she committed the unforgivable crime of being "massively up herself".

And so the only thing I can think to write on the Samantha Brick affair that hasn't already been covered related to one line. One little line that may have not jumped out amongst the self-praise and discussion of her slightly creepy mustachioed French husband...

Oui?

... but one that resonated with me. One of those quite sad elements of her column that got overlooked (not undeservedly) by her massive up-herself-ism.

"And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid."

Maybe I'm a complete sap, but that made me feel very sorry for Samantha. I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid either; and in recent years it's made me a little heartsick.

Now I'm not suggesting I'm too beautiful to be asked to be a bridesmaid. I really don't hold any illusions about my own level of attractiveness. I'm all right looking, I could lose a few kilos, but I generally have interesting hair. I think that's a fair assessment.

What the bridesmaid deprivation represents to me is that I have not had the fortune to have a bestest female friend.

One of the reasons I love Sex and the City so much is because I adore the four leading ladies' closeness. I love that they really can say anything to each other, and they actively keep each other company. I know a lot of people dismiss the show, but it allowed me to experience something I felt I lacked in my own life - having the kind of girlfriend you could call at any time of the day or night for absolutely no reason at all.

I am incredibly aware this is much my own doing, and I'm not looking for pity. I realise I wasn't ever very good at cultivating female friendships. I was always affected by jealousy and the idea that I was never as pretty/clever/nice enough. I liked hanging with the boys. I've also never been into big weddings, and as a bit of a show-off actor type, don't really present as someone eager to put the time, money and energy into making sure it's all about the bride. And of course, everyone has different reasons for choosing who they choose as their companion/s for their "special day".*

But as the years have gone by, the "bridesmaid" position has started to mean something specifically to me - whether or not it's 100 per cent representative of the truth.

Surely, a bestest female friend would have you as their bridesmaid no matter what the hell you thought of weddings, parties or anything. I've never been close enough to another contemporary woman to be considered in that role - therefore, I've never had a bestest female friend.

I'm not saying I don't have lovely girlfriends. I do (even though I've done my best to mess up a fair few of my female friendships). But most are already married, or if not, have existing bestest female friends who are far more suitable a choice, should they decide to pursue the wedding option. And none feel so close that I would feel OK calling them at any time of the day or night for no reason at all.

So I feel a certain empathy towards Samantha Brick, and wonder if perhaps a deep-seated longing for a more closer female connection has perhaps manifested itself in her overblown self-confidence.

Perhaps it's a vicious cycle. She wasn't able to cultivate good female friendships, because of her looks perhaps, or because of her personality. She blamed female jealousy, which is hardly likely to encourage other women to warm to her. She reasoned that their stand-offish-ness was due to her beauty - and the cycle continued.

Maybe I'm imposing my whole frame of reference and experience on her, and giving her sympathy she doesn't deserve. Maybe she simply is a vain, arrogant woman.

But I am a bit of a sap. I find it hard to criticise someone who's already born the brunt of the internet's fury. And I feel sorry that her relationship with men, according to her writings, seems to be mostly as glamourous plaything and dollybird.

Because while I may not have a bestest female friend; I've still had friends. Friends to knock me down a peg, lift me up a bit, and help me out occasionally.

Samantha Brick doesn't seem like she has any friends at all. She almost certainly won't for a while after this business. And if that's not a reason to feel sorry for her, I don't know what is.

*I've been reminded by the lovely KatKohl that being a bridesmaid can, in fact, be a huge pain in the backside. I'm not unaware of this, and am sure if I was ever a bridesmaid I would complain endlessly about it. That's just the way life works, isn't it?

You've Got... Male?

2012-04-05T23:36:00.000+10:00

"You didn't say good-byyyyye." she drawled from the back of the post office. "Din't ya hear me sayin' good-byyyye?"

She was tall, taller than me, and much taller than the companion she now rushed towards to embrace.

The post office queue was unreasonably long for 2:30 in the afternoon, and the couple moved to join the line just behind me. Obviously it wasn't good-byyyyye, not yet.

She kept moving into my peripheral vision, as she surveyed a range of children's books and toys strategically placed to be a nemesis for parents.

"Awwr, remember this?" she intoned, as she picked up a soft-cover copy of Animalia.

"Yeahh," came the second voice. "Ya gotta look for a clock or something, doncha?"

I say second voice, second person, the other, Two - because I have no idea what sex and/or gender they were. And it was to prove a frustrating puzzle.

I tried to sneak a glimpse of them as she sniffed loudly, a long, wet sniffle that came with enough regularity to make my mind turn to unflattering theories.

"A clock, yeahhh," she said. She was slim, wearing a white loose tank top and a short denim skirt. Her brown hair was pulled into a topknot. She had a stud in her chin and a white plastic tusk through her left ear.

I couldn't see Two as well, as they were standing right behind me, but they had a trembly voice with an oddly-pitched timbre that didn't emphatically indicate sex.

I shifted the two grocery bags I was carrying in my left hand, giving me a weak pretext to turn my head slightly behind me.

Two was shorter, wearing black pants and a black shirt, with short hair and a black cap.

My brief but close-up glimpse showed a babyish face with a pointy chin. No obvious facial hair, but no obvious make-up either. Age... mid-twenties? But male or female... no idea.

They embraced again, a close nuzzle. "You're bewdiful," she said. "Look at you."

"You're taller than me," Two replied.

She snorted laughter and sniffled again, and mumbled something in his ear about him being priceless.

"Not even Bill Gates has the money to buy you," she said lovingly.

Her attention was drawn by the soft toys, and a plush ladybird on a discount table.

"It says $12.99, but it doesn't say if it's reduced," she said.

"Don't worry about it, I'll buy it for ya," Two replied.

My curiosity over Two was growing. It was none of my business whether Two was male or female. But for some reason, I wanted to know.

"They should have more staff on, this is long queue," she said, loudly enough to be heard by the three people in front of her, and by now, the four behind.

"Nah, they just need two people who are quick," Two replied. "It's not rocket science, it's just the post office."

"Huh, like you were telling the kids about rocket science the other night," she said.

Kids?

"And you know I loved how they started calling me Auntie without you saying anything to 'em," she said.

Auntie?

"Well you know it's just respect. Like my lawyer said, you gotta teach kids about respect."

Lawyer?

They embraced again, and I had to force myself to not turn around to have a full on, nosy parker stare. Was Two a man, or a woman? Why couldn't I figure it out? Someone else may have been able to instantly pinpoint Two's gender, but for me, Two was the very epitomy of ambiguity and androgyny.

Oh God, I'm being hetero-normative, that's the phrase they use isn't it... I'm being judgemental of this couple's relationship and socio-economic status, it's not my business, it's not my business, it's not my...

"Next, please."

Finally, the post office attendant called me to the counter. I handed over the collection card for my parcel, and as she went to collect it, the second attendant called forward She and Two.

"Yeahh, I'm just here to cash a money order for $100," Two declared.

A glint of a gold chip on some sort of ID or ATM card hit the corner of my eye. A name! If I could see a name, perhaps I could work out whether Two was a man or a woman.

I thrust my eyeballs sideways but the card changed hands too quickly.

"And can I have a few $5 notes in that please?"

"Sure," the attendant replied.

I could feel it, it was coming, the name, Two's name, something that would finally solve this post office mystery that was none of my business.

"Just sign here.....Kelly."

Kelly? KELLY?

Kelly as in Kelly Slater?

Or Kelly as in Kelly Clarkson?

WHICH. F***ING. KELLY?

My attendant came back with my parcel of cosmetics worth almost as much as Two's money order. I swept it up in my arms and turned on my heel, leaving She and KELLY behind.

Good-byyyyyye.

Game of Thrones S2: Ep1 Recap

2012-04-03T00:06:00.004+10:00

I've decided I can no longer resist the siren call of that brave literary form that eventually entices all internet participants to crack their knuckles, knuckle down, and have a crack at:

Writing episode-by-episode fan-service recaps on epic genre television productions.

My love of the political-fantasy series Game of Thrones was born last year, when I ravenously devoured all 10 episodes over just a few days.

I haven't been obsessing over Series 2 - mostly because I was too busy on the state election trail to look up sneak previews and trailers. But I tell you what, the thought of another bloody serve of political machinations and brutal campaign life was sometimes the only thing that kept me going through another bloody serve of political machinations and brutal campaign life.

Now THAT's a visual metaphor.

And given my predilection for being slack with blog posts, I thought perhaps having a regular content feeder might be a good incentive to, you know, write.

The only thing left was to decide on a name. I needed something that reflected a recognisable element of Game of Thrones, and also one that underscored the communicative nature not just of recap posts, but of my role as a writer in general. A nod to potentially obsessive fandom craziness was a must, but above all, the title had to be suitably punny.

And I think you'll agree, the following hits all those points in just two striking words.

Dan once again answers my Photoshop help signal

Yes, the raven, the iPhone of Westeros, faster than 3G in a valley and more responsive to capacitive touch.

Now, whenever you do anything on the internet that will contain MASSIVE SPOILERS, it is imperative that you point out very boldly that your post will contain MASSIVE SPOILERS.

But I should also point out the perspective on how I view this series, so you understand my context.

I have NOT read the books. I came to Series 1 a complete n00b. I have seen all of Series 1 (several times over), and am watching Series 2 without any knowledge of what is to come.

So the rules of the recaps are:

*You don't need to have read the books; but you should have seen all of Series 1. There are some spoilers that I really don't want to ruin. Go get it on DVD, devour it, then come back and join us for the fun.

*I will always use a jump cut to hide the spoilers, and will be as obvious as I can to prevent you from accidentally finding out things. But at the end of the day, it's the internet. You have to use your own discretion. And I will be mentioning spoilers. Just in case you thought I was just saying that to be extra careful. Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers.

*If you HAVE read the books - awesome. Love your work. I haven't yet decided if I want to, and I'm quite happy at this point having the story revealed to me in the televisual medium. So please feel free to comment (I'd love a discussion!), but don't list any future spoilers in the comments. If I see them, I will delete them immediately - but of course that won't stop me from seeing them. So play nice!

Now, below is the jump cut. If you click on that and expand the post, there will be MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Winter is coming. Enjoy!

RAVEN ON 1: This Shit Just Got (More) Real

Re-introducing multiple narrative threats was always going to be an epic task in itself, but a vital one to establishing the scope of the series, and to elicit the required "Oh yeah, THAT guy!" memory re-engaging moments from the audience.

And so we saw King Joffrey (boo!) getting his douchebag on in the Red Keep; Tyrion returning home to become Hand of the King; Robb Stark's growing confidence in battle (due in no small part to his now-massive-f***ing-direwolf); and Daenerys' troubles in the Red Waste (which kind of sounds like a time of the month thing; I'm really sad I thought that now because I can't un-think it).

We also met Stannis Baratheon, who appears a) f***ing nuts, b) easily led by spooky red-headed Kate Bush lookalikes and c) completely anally retentive. Which for this show means FUN TIMES AHEAD, WA-HAY.

"Stannis, it's me, Melisandre, I've come ho-o-o-o-ome,
so cold, let me poison some old du-u-u-ude..."

We even had a brief bit of sexposition, as Ros - evidently moving higher in Littlefinger's whorish ranks - instructed a newcomer to the den in the gentle art of bouncing up and down on a client's fundamental protuberance.

It was all topped off by an action of PURE. F***ING. EVIL. Way to go big early, GoT. Ain't much that tops discriminate baby-killing, but I'm confident you'll find a way.

With the exception of Tywin Lannister (probably off skinning a deer somewhere) and Renly Baratheon (probably off skinning the Knight of the Flowers somewhere), every main character had a moment, and no one outstayed their welcome. The only one I would have liked to seen more of was Arya, but her split second appearance at the very end of the episode left a delicious taste of "ominous" on the palate. Bring on next week.

Yay! (Best moments)

*Littlefinger throwing down to Queen Cersei, only to be given a colossally awesome lesson in what actually constitutes power in her world.

*Robb's direwolf. Damn.

*The sweeping shots of gorgeous rooftops and divine coastline of Dubrovnik, the Croatian city that doubles as King's Landing. Makes me want to return!

Zing (Best Line)

Tyrion: "You love your children. That's always been your redeeming quality. That, and your cheekbones."

Ewww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Captain Incest north of the wall. What was that about? Marries his daughters, who give him more daughters, who he then marries, to beget more daughters. Leaves Lord Frey for dead in the dirty old man department. I assume the heavy-handed "Don't mess with my daughters!" warnings to Jon Snow foreshadow him falling madly in love with one of them. Presumably the one with teeth.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Oliver Ford Davies made a brief appearance as an adviser to Stannis Baratheon, who bravely swallowed poison, in an effort to get Kate Bush to follow suit. Sadly, he died. I've seen Oliver Ford Davies live, in a production of Hamlet at Stratford-upon-Avon. He was the best thing in the whole show - and his co-stars were David Tennant and Patrick Stewart, so that's saying something about the guy's acting chops. I'm really disappointed he couldn't be given a slightly longer-lasting role.

Winning... Something. Anything.

2012-04-02T00:43:00.000+10:00

Maybe it's all this election business that's been on of late, but for some reason I've got the hankering to win something.

It doesn't have to be a 77-seat majority in the Queensland parliament; I think that might be over-egging the pudding (for everyone, really).

But it's been... I don't know... years since I actually *won* anything. Like a prize, or a trophy, or a certificate.

I know it's trivial, and not necessarily reflective of your general success in life, etc etc, blah blah blah - but who doesn't like to be picked out for something ahead of a bunch of other people? I'm sure scientists work hard on weighty matters concerning the nature of the universe because they're passionate about learning and understanding, but come on. You think they've never once thought about a Nobel Prize? Even just a little?

Over the weekend, I scored a last-minute invite to The Molkies, a glamorous celebration of all things television, hosted by the enigmatic and eponymous Molk.

It was a lovely opportunity to catch up with a lot of people I know vaguely well, and to connect names to Twitter avatars. It was also a great chance to wheel out this Maiocchi dress I picked up on sale on the first week of the campaign in Cairns. A Courier-Mail journo insisted I try it on; I would never have picked that style for myself. Then the Courier-Mail took their journos off the buses, which left me without solid fashion advice for the rest of the trail. Such a shame.

Anyway, check out this photograph by the very talented Heath Carney. You can barely even see the lack of sleep and four extra kilos I piled on during the campaign.

Of course, a split second after Heath's shutter snapped, my foot started cramping up, so it wasn't entirely a classy evening for Girl Clumsy.

Oh yeah, and I did my best Gwyneth Paltrow impression while mucking around with the Molkie statuettes.

But all this business of holding a statuette made me think about the last time I won something - anything - based on personal merit or achievement.

Possibly my greatest year for awards came in 1994. First, I took out first place in second division breast-stroke at the intra-school swimming carnival; then I wound up being named Dux of Year Nine.

Sadly, a rapid deterioration in my relationship with maths meant I never took out Dux again, but I still managed to scrape academic prizes every year. In Year 12 I took out four different prizes, which meant I got to choose four different books from the big pile they'd spread on a table in the library, and bring the recipients in year-by-year to survey.

Because Year 12s got first dibs, I was able to take home a few beauties, including a great big book on the Third Reich, and the Hamlyn Book of Punishment and Torture (fully illustrated).

And yet, that same year, I was bopping around to Barbie Girl by Aqua.

I was nominated for a Clarion Award last year (that's a Queensland Media Award), but lost out to the gang from the ABC. The nice people at the MEAA then suggested I should enter the Walkley's, and after I'd stopped gut-laughing, I thought, oh well in for a penny, and sent the stuff in.

...anybody?

So buggerising around with a Molkie was really the closest I've been to any kind of gong since I saw Memoirs of a Geisha.

I've entered my website into the Sydney Writers' Centre Best Australian Blogs competition again this year, but once again there was no category that really captured the kind of nonsense I put on the internet, so I had to go with "Personal/Lifestyle" - even though I would highly recommend against following anything I do on a personal or lifestyle basis. It's simply too risky. You'll end up alienating people and suffering foot cramps.

So I'm stuck for ideas. Where to from here? What can I enter? How do I get my hands on a sexy certificate, short of printing it out myself at home?

And how about you? What awards have you received over the years?

Election 2012: The Rear View

2012-03-26T11:28:00.002+10:00

For those not familiar with the ins and outs of Queensland politics, but instead familiar with annoyingly naff bumper sticker trends, I think this is the best way to sum up the result of our March 24 state election:

Dan Beeston used his own stash of My Family stickers to mock this up.

Campbell Newman and the LNP romped it in, scoring more seats than James Bond at Ikea.

Everyone was expecting an emphatic LNP victory, except the nice hairdresser I went to on Friday evening after finally getting off the campaign bus.

"But surely anything could still happen?" she said.

"Universally, yes," I replied. "But the polling techniques they have these days are just too accurate. And just a little more off the bottom, please."

But nobody thought it would be so devastating for Labor, that you couldn't even use the word "decimation" in a grammatically correct way (while I'm not good with the maths, I'm pretty sure they lost more than one in ten MPs). Annihilation is more likely. Holocaust is probably going too far (it generally always is).

This morning I spoke with Dr Paul Williams, a political and media analyst from Griffith University. We chatted about the strange parliament Queensland will now have, including the challenges Mr Newman will have making sure all of his 77 or so MPs have plenty of work and stay out of trouble, and the risk a tiny opposition will not be able to adequately scrutinise legislation.

His killer line came at the very end of the interview, when we were discussing how long Labor will be in the electoral wilderness, cowering from wolves and subsisting on frozen Siberian tiger droppings:

"When people say that the next Labor premier isn't even in parliament yet... I might be cynical when I say this, but perhaps the next Labor premier hasn't even finished school."

DAMN.

In Queensland, once you're gone, you're gone for a LONG time. There were ten James Bond movies produced during the time Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen was Premier, before Queenslanders got a chance to enjoy 1989's Licence to Kill unencumbered by a sternly Lutheran but ethically flexible moral code.
It's likely we'll now see at least another four Bond movies (and at least one more Bond actor) before Labor can attempt to regain power.

It boggles the mind. I mean, can you even imagine someone not Daniel Craig as Bond?

Labor came close to losing the 2009 election; and frankly now probably wishes it had. It wouldn't have won this time around, but the destruction wouldn't have been so complete.

In the end, Anna Bligh's leadership during the floods and cyclones last year - while respected - came to nought. People had already drawn their plans against her. Asset sales seems to have been the biggest issue, followed closely by ongoing problems in Queensland Health. Campaign-wise, the ALP's been universally condemned for going in so hard on Mr Newman, his family and business interests. The mud stuck, but to the wrong side.

Labor has seemingly lost its base. At her concession speech in the ALP HQ in South Brisbane on Saturday night, there seemed to be no "True Believers" amongst the crowd. They were all twenty-somethings. Has the "working man/woman" had enough? Or was time in government a hump they just couldn't get over?

I'm interested in your take on the state election, and why you think the result unfolded the way it did. What do you think Labor needs to do now, given they've only got seven or eight MPs, a decreasing membership base, and a whole lotta wolves out there?