I had double-incision mastectomy + free nipple-grafts with Dr. Raphael at the American Institute for Plastic Surgery in Plano, Texas on August, 18 2010, and I really couldn’t be happier with the results.

You hear a LOT out in the trans-interwebs about Dr. Garramone in Sunrise, Florida, and his work certainly speaks for itself; he’s clearly a very talented surgeon. However, Florida is a preeeetty far jaunt for most people (unless you’re from FL, of course), and travel expenses for a full week, PLUS surgery costs, can definitely add-up. There are other options —GREAT options— and Dr. Garramone isn’t the only top-surgery-genius out there helping us with this important step.

Especially for you, Texas/Southern guys – Dr. Raphael is conveniently located in the DFW metroplex here in North Texas. He and his staff have impeccable bedside manner and are very educated regarding trans-issues; from using preferred name/pronouns in your file (even prior to legal changes) to being sensitive to possible chest dysphoria concerns during pre-op appointments.

Another AMAZING thing about surgery with Dr. Raphael was the fact that he’s worked-out a double-incision technique that completely eliminates the need for post-op drains (Halle-freakin-lujah). NO drains, people. Now, THAT is genius, my friends. I can’t TELL you how important that was for me; it really made my recovery a (relative) breeze! All I had to deal with (other than eating/taking my meds, sleeping and staying comfy) was changing the maxi-pads that were (somewhat ironically) used as dressings along my incisions and keeping my chest properly compressed to manage the swelling… Eeeasy-breezy, yo!

My surgery cost fell somewhere in the median range ($6750.00) and that covered the all surgery costs for a double-incision mastectomy, the nipple-grafts and a bit of additional liposuction along each side of my chest. I financed through CareCredit.

You can contact Dr. Raphael’s office at: (972) 543-2477 or use their contact page.

I’m not affiliated in any way with the American Institute for Plastic Surgery or Dr. Raphael. I’m just a VERY happy patient.

If anyone has any specific questions, please don’t hesitate to ask!

I’ve seriously neglected this blog (and its followers), and for that I sincerely apologize.

Lately, I’ve considered archiving this particular blog/URL and migrating over to Tumblr to continue documenting transition/trans* related stuff… (eh, to be determined).

At any rate, there’s a LOT of updating I’ve wanted to do over the last several months, but to be honest, I just haven’t had the energy/focus to write… I think I greatly underestimated the mental drain involved in actually physically/medically transitioning (i.e. adjusting to the physical changes/puberty/hormones-in-flux + social stress/anxiety that’s come from transitioning within my existing life, rather than hitting some magical restart button and just starting over somewhere new. Although, I DEFINITELY see the appeal to going that route, now) — and only recently have I started feeling… normal(?)-ish… again. I feel like I’m just NOW over the general shock of it all, and I’m finally experiencing the joys of my new reality. Like many trans* folks, I spent countless hours watching YouTube video, after YouTube video, trying to get some sort of grasp on the experience before diving into my own, but no amount “research” can prepare you for your experience. And my transition has been a constant source of surprise. Pleasant surprises and not-so-pleasant surprises and everything in-between. There are times I’d painstakingly prepared myself for the absolute, possible worst, and was instead blessed with unconditional support and love (best surprise ever) Also, dealing with new emotions (or the [seemingly] sudden lack thereof) and navigating the same, old world/life while utilizing very different chemicals, has been much more challenging than I could have expected. You (or at least, *I*) somehow seem to forget that, in-between each upload, throughout a year’s worth of transition videos, there’s a LOT of adjusting going on off camera There’s growing and changing — and PUBERTY. Hello! There’s an entire evolution from one person to another, entirely. You know, I always said, prior to transitioning (largely, because I wanted it to be true), that I would “still be the same person” – in fact, it was my promise to many people in my life – friends and family. I’d been asking them to make this transition along with me, and I guess I felt that I owed it to them remain the same. To PROVE that I would be the same… when, in reality, I’m not the same person at all. (duh) How could I be?

I’m finally Aaron.

And sure. Yes. Essentially, I AM the same… sort of, but it’s a little like discovering you’re made to run on diesel after 30 years of filling up with regular unleaded.. I don’t know. Maybe this part is different for everyone? Maybe it depends on how much testosterone you had in your body before? Or maybe the differences aren’t as “chemically-induced” as I’m assuming them to be? Maybe, at least in part, the differences stem from the sort of re-socialization that occurs as soon as you’re consistently indentified as the correct gender?

Hell if I know, but personally, *I* feel MUCH different than I expected I would…

I find the whole thing pretty freakin’ fascinating.

I still struggle (almost daily) with the temptation to be stealth over the assumed default (?) of being out… it’s nearly impossible to “manage” the knowledge of your trans-status at work or when meeting new people, while surrounded by a lifetime of friends, family and colleagues who still see your old face and think your old name in their head before correcting themselves when they speak, but I do hate the loss of control over something so personal. I guess that’s just part of it, though; I doubt that being stealth could ever, really, be an option — even if I decided to be. Not here. Not surrounded by my past life.

Then, just like that, I find myself on the opposite side of the fence, and I realize that I’m really okay being out (however, not with being *outed*) — being visibly “queer” is something that I got used to and (eventually) found comfort in. In fact, more often than not, I find it kind of WEIRD just blending in as an average, short, straight white guy… (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

I know that it really comes down to a matter of privacy, but generally speaking, I’m sort of terrible at managing personal boundaries ANYWAY. So… yeah, I most likely will NOT be stealth… (but ask me again tomorrow). Honestly, I really WOULD be out, without issue — but… being out as trans feels a helluva lot scarier (to me) than being out as a lesbian did. I suppose because, as I trans guy, I now share a LOT more spaces with cis guys… and that, yeah— *feels* scarier (to me).

I’m TRYING to share the mantra of the nastyass honeybadger, “Honeybadger don’t care. Honeybadger don’t give a shit”. What other people think is none of my business, and “they” REALLY don’t think or care about my transition/trans-status as much as I do…

My therapist and I spent the entire month of April trying to drill that stuff into my brain… May is obviously off to a brilliant start.

I STILL won’t use the men’s restroom on my floor at the office. Simply because I transitioned on the job, and my trans-status in fairly common knowledge. Public bathrooms have been the bane of my existence for a LARGE part of my adult life, and I’m REALLY (really)ready to be over it, but I also (still) feel REALLY uncomfortable. (no big issues in other restrooms, btw — and really, even at work, it’s MUCH better when I go to a different floor… It’s more about being in those intimate spaces with people who KNOW I’m trans, but don’t really know me at a person. Ha, yeah, remember those social anxieties I talked about at the beginning of this essay?) It’s all getting better though. Every day. I’m adjusting to the differences and becoming more comfortable and at-ease every. Single. Day. So, yeah, there’s still stress. There are still issues related to my gender than transitioning didn’t (couldn’t) fix. Transitioning is NOT the ultimate “cure” – at least, not for everyone… but now, personally, I AM making progress that I couldn’t have made otherwise, and I have hope that tomorrow I will feel even more comfortable in my skin that I do today. If I’d started transitioning at 15 or 19 or even 24 or *64*, instead of 34 things would be very different.. again, your experience will be your own. I can only speak to my own. And despite all of the turmoil and stress —the things I tend to write about— MY experience really has been an amazing one! I woudn’t WANT to start over, but I absolutely would. Without one single doubt. If I were to wake-up tomorrow and realize it was just a crazy dream— I would be waiting at my doctor’s office when they opened…

There are several posts I’ve resolved to write – there are a few issues, especially, (name/gender marker changes, coming out to various people from different spaces – family/facebook friends/employers) that I, myself, REALLY would’ve liked to read more about, over the course of this last year. Now that DO I have my own experiences to share, I want to document some of them with hopes that it might help others out there who find themselves looking for similar information…

I’m going to post the first of these, a short overview of my top-surgery experience with Dr. Peter Raphael at the Institute for Plastic Surgery in Plano, Texas, in just a few minutes – so keep an eye out for that! I swear I will do my best to fill in a few more blanks over the next few weeks…

Happy Monday! I had ONE seriously amazing weekend – from coming out at work to coming out to my mom (they’ll both be getting their own posts soon)… I’m just so overwhelmed with the awesomeness of people I don’t quite know what to write just yet… Frankly, I think I’m still in shock.

Anyway! On to something kinda cool**!

I bought a new binder a few weeks ago (my usual double front compression from Underworks, and I decided to throw in a tri-top version – just to try it out). Unfortunately, they sent me the wrong size in the tri-top. I thought about just returning it for the correct size – Underworks return policy for wrong sizing is really great!

BUT THENNNN I had the MUCH better idea to just give it away to someone who could use one

I know there are a ton of guys out there who are in desperate need of a binder and have no way of getting one… I have one that I can’t wear = no-brainer

If you’re interested – just shoot me an email at thebutchelor [at] gmail [dot] com and tell me your story in a nutshell.

How old you are? Why you’re unable to get your own? And uh, I don’t know – maybe just a little about yourself… Oh, and I’d really like for this to go to someone who doesn’t already own one. So, even if yours is ripped and nasty – at least it’s better than NO binder at all, right?

If one person responds – that will be the lucky winner!

If 20 people respond – I’ll toss everyone’s name into a hat and pick one.

I’ll notify the winner via email, and you can then provide your mailing address and your brand-spankin’ new black tri-top will be on its way!

Let’s make the deadline one week from today… Monday, August 2, 2010

That’s it!

Easy breezy.

My gift to you, mystery-internet-person-in-need-of-a-binder

Please note that it will be a size MEDIUM, Tri-Top model from Underworks – in BLACK.

Tri-top Chest Binder – Extreme Binder Waist Length

Three powerful layers of medical industry grade 70% nylon and 30% spandex throughout the front, and a single back layer, provide maximum comfortable chest binding. fifteen inches in length, this is the ultimate crop top for full chest binding. Fits all body types. Slip on like a sweater, or step in to your Tri-top and experience the utmost confidence. The Tri-top is undetectable under clothing and will provide you with all day security and comfort. Made in the U.S.A.

Medium 34-36

**unfortunately it won’t be cool… not literally. BLECH. Stupid summer-in-a-binder.

I found this guy’s YouTube channel awhile back and it’s quickly become one of my favorite trans-related subscriptions for a couple of reasons…

1. I think he adds a unique perspective on being trans, and personally his decision to transition without the use of hormones or surgery is one that I definitely considered. I think it’s pretty friggin’ awesome that he’s making it work.

2. This guy is funny. Really funny! Not only does he offer an alternate voice to the transition conversation; his topics are entertaining and thought-provoking AND he is very engaging as a personality.

So far he’s only posted a handful of videos, but he’s adding more every week.

Definitely check him out!

Ha I really love this guy, Spencer — I’m very non-confrontational, too and really identified with a lot of his story… I love how he came out to his friends on Facebook, and I especially love the story about coming out to his family.

Hmm. Too bad my parents don’t drink…

This is from It’s T Time 2010 collab channel

My most popular post (by FAR) is 10 reasons that chest binding sucks balls. And with very good reason – the topic of binding is one that is widely searched and researched and discussed among transguys, genderqueers, androgynes, drag kings and all sorts of female-bodied, masculine-identified people. People always want to know how others do it, which binders are best for their body type, how much they cost, how to get them on/off, how to keep them in place, etc., etc.

So, I decided to create yet another binder-related post with a few of the tips that I’ve discovered on my own over the years and that I have found through my own research. Also, PLEASE feel free to add to this list in the comment section if you have any other tips/tricks that I don’t mention.

WHERE DO YOU GET A BINDER?

There are a LOT of resources out there, and this is something that’s discussed fairly frequently in blogs, LJ and on YouTube.

Probably the two most commonly-used binder companies are:

• Underworks – this is where I buy mine (I use Style 997, the Double-Front Compression Binder – which is definitely a popular option). Typically Underworks is the go-to for large-chested guys, but they seem to have styles to suit just about everyone.

• T-Kingdom – I know a lot of smaller guys prefer T-Kingdom. Personally, I have no experience with them.

There’s also a hand-me-down-type big brother binder program for folks who meet the criteria listed on their site.  The restrictions seem to be a LOT more limiting than when I first found it a few years ago.

A lot of times you’ll find transguys on YouTube who do binder give-aways after they have top-surgery – so keep an eye out for those too!

** I ALSO just stumbled across this community on LiveJournal – FTM Garage Sale **

There’s a binder review site here if you have questions regarding specific binders.

WHAT SIZE SHOULD YOU BUY?

Sizing is a matter of personal preference — and maybe a little bit of trial and error.

According to Underworks’ site you should:

…Take a snug measurement under the bust line with a tape measure. Next take another measurement over the fullest part of your chest.  Again not too tight but not too loose. Take the average of theses two measurements and apply the result to the scale provided… Each item has a different scale based on the elasticity of the fabric used and the cut of the garment, so please pay attention to the sizing scale for each style.

T-Kingdom’s site suggests going with a larger size, if you find that your measurements fall in-between sizes, so you can adjust and get comfortable with binding.

Typically, guys tend to go with as small as physically possible to fit into… sure, it will give you a flat chest, but it can ALSO cause difficulty breathing and bruised or broken ribs. Binding is NEVER comfortable, but you can certainly be smart about it. I ultimately decided that binding a little looser and wearing baggier clothes was a good compromise. The only times I wish I had a smaller/tighter binder is at the gym – so, I’ll usually wear two.

HOW DO YOU PUT IT ON?

I seriously wish I had a video of me trying to wiggle into my first binder! Uh… on second thought, noooope. I don’t. It probably took me 20 minutes to get into it, and I was close to having a claustrophobia-induced panic attack at least once during the process. I had NO idea what I was doing. I just ripped it out of the package and tried to put it on like a tank-top… which SHOULD work – and does. NOW. Now that I’ve practiced. Now that my binders are broken in and stretched out a bit. BUT…

1. When you first get your binder – especially if it’s one of the tank-top versions from Underworks – you might want to try stepping into the neck and pulling it up from the bottom the first couple of times you put it on. It’s definitely a lot easier to maneuver, and your arms won’t get trapped above your head, rendering you helpless (and breathless) in the midst of binder-trapped-panic.

2. Try coating your torso in baby powder (or Gold Bond if that’s how you roll) – it will make it a lot easier to slide the binder into place.

3. Don’t try to put your binder on while you’re still wet after a shower… it just wont work. Not without an exhausting battle.

4. A lot of guys don’t like wearing the binder directly next to their skin so they’ll put an A-shirt or tank on first. Many who use this method claim it makes it a lot easier to pull the binder onto a shirt, rather than directly onto their body. This would probably help if you’re in a hurry after a shower, for sure!

IS THERE SOMETHING THAT WILL KEEP IT FROM ROLLING UP?

This is definitely MY biggest issue with binding. It sucks, but it seems no matter what your body shape/size, it’s an issue for just about anyone who uses a tank-style binder.

There are a few different methods to deal with it – you might just have to try some of them to see what works for you. A few of the possible solutions I’ve found are:

1. Pulling the binder down over your jeans/belt. Pro: It stays put, for the most part. Cons: It can be visible at the bottom of your shirt and you *do* have to continually pull it back down after sitting/bending.

2. Tucking the binder in-between your boxers and your pants. Pro: it’s hidden under your clothes. Con: It can still roll up UNDER your pants and that can make for an awkward re-positioning moment.

3. Tucking the binder inside of your boxers. Pro: Again, it’s hidden under your clothes and CAN (for some guys) stay put. Con: It can STILL roll up UNDER your boxers/pants and that can make for a REALLY awkward re-positioning moment.

4. Using lotion – AFTER you have the binder on (and tucked into your boxers), put some lotionon your skin under the bottom of the binder. Having that moisture there will help keep it in place.

5. Sewing an extra length of cotton material to the bottom edge of the binder so you can tuck it into your pants. Con: ugh… SEWING.

WHERE SHOULD YOUR CHESTICLES… UH, GO… ?

Haha Again, this kind of comes down to personal preference AND the size of your chest. A lot of times guys will just let them sit wherever they land when the binder is pulled on. I have a large chest, so I try to moved them sort of… out (towards my armpits) and down. Other guys just push them straight down.

HOW SHOULD YOU CLEAN YOUR BINDER?

1. Hand wash or, if you machine wash, use cold water on the gentle cycle.

2. Don’t use bleach. I know it’s tempting if you order white binder – because it WILL NOT stay white… even if you live in the arctic and never, ever sweat. It just won’t. Ideally you’ll eventually own more than one, but chances are – you’re going to be wearing the same binder everyday for awhile… EVERY. DAY. Sooooo, yeah. It won’t be white for long. That’s why I order black! Unfortunately bleach will weaken the elasticity and it will affect the binding. It will also, eventually, cause the longer binders to rip in the back from constantly pulling it down.

3. Air Dry! Machine drying your binder will compromise the integrity of the fabric in the same way as bleach, so do NOT use the dryer. Air dry only — unless you’re okay with those rips.

**note: the longer Underworks binders might rip anyway – especially the black ones, for some reason. I just notice that the first ones that I bought ripped a LOT easier/faster if I dried or bleached them**

HOW OFTEN DO YOU WASH YOUR BINDER?

Thankfully I have a few in rotation now, so they get washed twice a week or so. When I bought my first one I would have to wear it all week and then wash it on the weekend when I could be home (and binder-less) long enough to wash and dry them. UNFORTUNATELY, that’s how I learned (the hard way) about not putting them in the dryer… It didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed more than one if I didn’t want to find myself stranded and waiting for my binder to air dry – OR wearing the same, stinky binder for a month… Ew.

Okay, I think that’s about all I’ve got… A large part of binding is just matter of personal preference and trying different things to see what works for YOU. I’m hoping that if anyone has any additional thoughts or ideas they’ll post them in the comments!

Happy binding!!!

ugh.

Okay, now that I got all of THAT negative, self-doubting crap out of my system Here’s my update for six weeks!!

I seriously can NOT believe how fast time is passing! It’s exciting (and scary – but I’m done talking about that for the moment)

PHYSICAL CHANGES:

• Voice: I still don’t hear much difference in my voice, but I DO have a wider vocal range. I find myself talking towards the lower end of that spectrum more often than not – except when I get around my family, then some sort of subconscious *something* kicks in and I raise it—without even thinking about it. It just happens… weird. My voice definitely cracked though — it’s actually done it several times, but I don’t think it’s THE cracking that will happen when my voice breaks.

• Hair Growth: Noticing a LOT more hair… mainly on my upper leg/thigh area and maybe a little on my arms/hands. It all still seems to be fairly light though. Oh, and the hair on my face is growing in a lot faster… I’d always been a little hairy and had some facial hair that I always got rid of. I started actually shaving my face just before starting T, and now I have to shave at least once a week or I have a LOT of awkward, patchy hairs sprouting around my sideburns and chin. And they’re definitely more whisker-like, and not just random stray hairs.

• Downstairs Growth: I’m not really paying very close attention, but there’s certainly.. uh… MORE going on in the pants lately.

• Libido: Holy freakin’ MOLY, man… it’s just crazy… I don’t really even know what else to say about it… I really had no idea what to expect since my sex drive was always pretty healthy (at least, in my opinion). There were moments this week that I had to remind myself of the power of testosterone — because at one point I thought, “There is seriously something wrong with me…”

• Muscle/Fat Redistribution: BIG difference in strength and muscles the last couple of weeks – especially my biceps/triceps. Still not going to the gym though :/

• Face: Pretty sure I still look the same. Except…

• Acne: …for stupid zits. My forehead is INSANELY oil aaaaall the time. I’ve been washing my face religiously and it just doesn’t seem to help. Not sure if seeing a dermatologist could do anything since I KNOW most of it is hormone related.

• Menstrual Cycle: I don’t think I had this listed on my three week update, but I’m happy to report that June was a period-free, cramp-free, PMS-free month!!! Amazing. Hope that’s out of my life for good!

SOCIAL/MENTAL/EMOTIONAL:

I really don’t feel like talking about any of this stuff this time around — especially after that last post… In all honesty, I’m just overwhelmed with thoughts/emotions about all of it right now, and I think I’m also struggling with how to process them.

I think that’s another change I’ve noticed a lot lately, though — so, I write about it briefly… It’s just hard to know if the stuff I’m dealing with emotionally is because of the testosterone or because of stress or… whatever (?), but I have definitely stopped crying or even feeling like I need to or want to or CAN. It’s really very weird since I’ve ALWAYS been pretty emotional – especially during PMS-y times. Other positive emotions seem to be coming through okay though so… maybe it’s just related to sadness? I really don’t understand this part…

Hmm. I think that’s about it for now! If I think of anything else I’ll update this post.

I’m SO sorry that (once again) I kinda fell off the planet… it’s definitely been a stressful few weeks, and I just haven’t found the focus/energy to write — even though I really have wanted to.

I guess I’m also a little frustrated with myself for not making more progress on the coming out front. If I take a minute to step outside of myself and my fears and my transition experience in general — it really doesn’t seem like it should be taking me this long.

*sigh*

Of course, I realize there’s no set rules or guidelines for this process, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like sometimes I’m falling behind in transition-school.

On the upside, I DID finish and send out a letter to my extended circle of friends a couple of weeks, and overall the response I’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive! I seriously have some INCREDIBLE friends, and I feel crazy lucky to have the support that I do from them.

The roller coaster of emotions I experienced during THAT phase of coming out was friggin’ exhausting, though… Honestly, I was so emotionally spent at the end of the week I didn’t even want to look at another email or read a blog or watch a video and I *certainly* didn’t want to write about any if it. It was like I didn’t quite know WHAT to do… so, I did what I typically do best in those situations: a whole lotta nothin’!

Ah, I *say* I did nothing, but that’s not completely true. I did read a little… and I… “processed”… and I’ve spent a lot of time talking about it — A. lot. My friends are amazing, but a lot of them had questions. So, I spent some time listening and reassuring and recounting.

For the most part, it’s just felt a little like I’ve been moving in slow motion and slightly disconnected from — reality. Everything. Everyone. Of course, that could ALSO be due to the fact that I’ve been self-medicating a bit with ye ol’ marijuanas. So, who knows for sure? I tend to believe that it’s just my brain’s way of decompressing and managing the stress and anxiety of this process, but of course it was also an EPICALLY frightening experience, so… yeah. There was a lot of smoking that particular week.

I really think that I’m going to see my doctor about some REAL anti-anxiety meds to get me through the next few months of conversations and confrontations. Otherwise, I really don’t know how I’m going to do this… I can’t just be freakin’ high all the time. As much as I’ve wished that I COULD lately — the past couple of weeks especially— I know better… I mean, c’mon, people! I’ve got a blog to write and some transitionin’ to do! AND (hellooo) a career to maintain… So, I’m not going to blaze myself into oblivion every single night… Eh, well, mostly. Seriously, it’s a matter of mental well-being at the moment, and I definitely need all the help I can get… but still.

A lot of people responded to my friend letter with extremely kind and supportive emails and they used words like: courageous and brave and inspirational. And I really had NO idea how to process how I felt about those perceptions… Don’t get me wrong—it’s certainly a “warm and fuzzy” day when you can receive notes of unconditional love and support from a group of very important people in your life. I mean, I *highly* recommend it! It’s kiiiinda the best therapy EVER. But you know, no one should have to wait until they’re dead or risking everything and everyone in order to be true to themselves to find out how much their friends love them. Seriously. Go ahead and send a “just because” note to some-important-someone. Go ahead! Do it now. Maybe someone you haven’t seen in a year—or ten!—But you know you could pick up right where you left off… and no matter what, that friendship can stand the test of time… and test of transition.

All of that to say… repeatedly hearing that people see you as brave and courageous is a little awkward when REALLY, you know what a giant chicken shit you are! ha

ESPECIALLY when I turn around a take a look at my equally-epic LACK of progress with coming out to my family and at work… every time I think think about it my fear(s) takes over and I start negotiating with myself… I start thinking things like “should I even bother continuing with my transition?” or “Is there somehow a way I could NOT have to tell them??” or “Can I rethink my idea of transition to somehow be all things to all people?!!”

Yeah. Just one big counterproductive loop of fears and questioning right now.

Ridiculous stuff. Feelings and reactions that are based on nothing but stupid FEAR… Gah! That’s my dirty 4-letter word now. And the most frustrating part is I have absolutely NO idea how to move past it. I KNOW I will feel immense relief and that *maybe* all of this worrying is probably going to end-up being FAR worse than the actual conversation or aftermath… or… not…

And *that* is where the negotiating usually begins.

Ugh. I don’t know.

Maybe the answer IS medication (PROPER medication)… maybe the answer is — what? Heh, I need to call my therapist. Obviously.

I keep telling myself to just “man up” and do it already!!! And I suppose it *should* be as easy as that, right? I mean, just fucking DO it. Do SOMETHING. Take a step, dude… just one tiny step...

Okay, okay… I know. I DID take a step — just a couple of weeks ago, and a pretty big one at that!

I guess that’s just yet *another* frustrating part — that, even after that great, big step (and all of the anxiety and stress and freaking out that came with it), it was just the beginning… And even with as hard as it was to do, it was EASY compared to what I have to do next.

I know that these are the moments that I’ll be looking back on in a few years… Character-defining, strengthening moments. One of those “make or break moments” we all hear about, and I KNOW it will be worth it.

…I hope.

I hate that this is kind of a downer of a post — especially after such a long time without any new news, and again this is something that I initially wrote almost a week and a half ago, but I’ve struggled with posting it. I know I don’t just want to write about the exciting/fun/happy stuff. Hell, the HARD stuff is the GOOD stuff, right?! The hard stuff is what has me searching through YouTube videos and blogs to find people who’ve dealt with it all before me… I guess I just have a lot of self-judgment surrounding this issue, and I’m caught between feeling embarrassed and frustrated and just fucking ready to get through it. I really have spent a large part of the last few weeks really kicking myself over the fact that is IS such a struggle… and then that, in turn, creates doubt. Once the fear kicks in its two cents, it’s all over and before I know it, I’m negotiating the terms of my transition with some unknown, non-existent person! Or, more accurately, I’m anticipating and assuming the worst to the point that I’m just fighting those battles with myself.

Fucked up, right?

But… never once have I doubted a dose of testosterone. Never once have I thought that I would (or could) stop. That means something and it definitely carries more weight than all my fears and questions put together. So I just keep taking those baby steps, and try my damnedest to ignore my biggest adversary in all of this so far… Me.

My voice has officially started cracking

Crazy!