THE BUTCHER'S WALLET

FATMAN SOUNDS

2010-03-14T19:53:00.001Z

There has been a slow but sure input of big headphones back into public circulation. I guess the cost of them has comedown as the quality has gone up. The iPod has always come with it’s own lame in the ear headphones, I guess most people are looking for an alternative and the larger retro styles are suddenly becoming more popular. It can't have been me that started to notice that these headphones appearing on the larger proportioned generation. I must have seen two pairs a day on some of our larger community members over a three-week period. Once you spot one you start to spot them all. At first I thought it looked stupid and backwards. I understand the Bose noise reduction headphones for planes or noisy work environments, but on the street that's just chunky logic. Anyway that was several weeks ago in the UK and I'm currently back in Budapest eyeing up a retro pair of Panasonic headphones. When did this happen, nobody has fallen into that trap here yet. Maybe I am trying to start the trend here and passing it off as my idea, what a hoot. Hang on a minute I'm not a chubba any more, actually I've lost a couple of stone. But I am the king of cool here in my mind, and nowhere else.

HUMAN WING MIRRORS

2010-03-04T09:22:00.003Z

At what age do people stop looking where they are going, not noticing who or what they are blocking? Umbrella spikes pointed forwards or backward on an upward swing always freak me out. Not to mention the tips that flit past you at eye level. What are the stats on eye scratching and gouging from brollies?

The standard offenders are still high on my shit list:

People who stop or chat in doorways

Groups of people who walk on the pavement forming an impenetrable human wall.

Anybody who stops at the top or bottom of an escalator to have a look around.

When I'm King it will be legal to actually punch these morons in the back of the head and leave them on the floor to get the idea. The 'Human Traffic Police' could be a volunteer group but would be very effective in the curse of the open mouthed human beanbags that slow down the community. I'm sure there would be plenty of takers for this new position. Or once charged they could be forced to wear head mounted wing mirrors to witness the carnage that they leave in their wake. Come on people there are lots of us now and we need to be aware of our surrounding fellow man at all times........ You idiot, PUNCH!

VEGETABLE NAZI

2010-02-25T15:21:00.001Z

My healthy food kick started a few months ago when I decided to give vegetarian food more of a chance. I do like vegetables and good ones come at a price here in the Czech Republic. This did start to get out of hand as I was stuffing my face with meat-based products when others weren't looking like it was going out of fashion. We started a tour of the cheaper veggie outlets here in Prague and I began to get really stroppy. There is a restaurant called 'Beas' which can only be described as serving vegetarian prison food. The menus are set and you can't waiver from the slop that is on offer. The food is dropped into the segmented metal tray/plates and desserts overlap the boundaries into unwanted unrecognizable savory gruel. On one visit, I just wanted a side of the spinach lasagne that seemed to look quite tasty but they wouldn't give me any. I offered to pay but they said it was a different menu and couldn't let me have that as well. At this point I started to get quite narced and thought the only way I was going get a portion of vaguely edible slop was to don a fake beard and join the queue again. I damn these vegetable Nazis to a tofu based slow death. Anyway that lifestyle fell out the window when I started on a small film and McDonalds became the only option for breakfasts. But like most of these films are such hard work mentally and physically that the weight falls off me what ever I stuff into my face. Not a food Nazi in sight, which is nice.

FLESH OUT

2010-02-22T11:25:00.013Z

At the end of last year I witnessed a sight that has possibly scarred me for life. At first a few heads were turning towards then recoiling at what appeared to be your run of the mill nutter. But soon the full horror flapped out in front of me. She was probably in here late sixties with a black leather mini skirt. Her face had been well lived in, maybe by several people. Chatting and spitting happily to herself, your standard loonie. The biggest problem that her skirt was split at the front and back revealing her withered undercarriage and pallid old ass. At first I couldn't believe it thinking it was some sort of Czech TV stunt but no, she was for real, as real as her dusty lady pocket in the cold Czech winds. Uuuuuuurgh!

FU 2009

2010-02-17T12:04:00.003Z

Well that was a shit year. Sorry but it really was, possibly the worst year in my fifteen years in the film industry. Personal life was great and my girl is the best. Together we suffered great loss in this year, but just kept pushing through with people tip toeing around us. I just wish 2010 to bring things back to normal as much as possible. I generally blame everything on Hugh Grant, what a tosser. I had finally managed to wangle a job towards the end of 08 which would have not only taken me on a life changing journey to China but brought our funds back to a less fluctuating roller coaster. Huge Grunt pulled out of this film at the eleventh hour again because he was unhappy with the script. It was the funniest script I had ever read and was really looking forward to help bring this comedy to the cinema. Good funny films are rare and this was a corker. I started on the Monday morning only to be given my notice with the rest of the crew of the film the very same day. We saw out our weeks notice all believing the standard feeble chance of it actually happening. I knocked my pipe out that week completing all the drawings I had started. I was due to go on a recce that Sunday to China and there still is a fantastic unstamped visa in my Passport. The last I heard was that the script was being rewritten for an American actor, hopefully someone a bit more committed than old floppy. After that the dark cold winter and shitty 2009 loomed it's retarded face, oh sorry not you Hugh.

LOST HEROES

2009-11-07T00:45:00.004Z

The third series of Heroes is just dull; we are so bored and confused by the stories. They have tried to stretch out the characters too far, and the plot got tooo thin to keep our attention. We just want it to finish so that we can give Lost our full attention. I saw a colleague popping series one of this Island based drama into his bag at work, I asked him if I could borrow it for a week. Me and me girl ploughed through these shows as Czech television is a poor man’s rip off of the worst British trashy shows. He told me that he had just got it back after a two year loan to someone else (don't get me started on people like that) Oh yes we like Lost, we have just finished the second season in one week. It's great to know that there are three more series to catch up on. We saw nothing of it when it was on the television and can't watch theses shows with a one-week break between each episode. If you can live without following the lemmings that must know everything about a show before it airs you have a very sad life. But hey look at me with my smug grin now picking these DVDs out of the bargain bin, just a few years to late. Now we can enjoy fresh new drama without the hype surrounding it. But at this speed what shall we watch next, any ideas?

DON'T BREAK MY STUFF

2009-10-28T20:41:00.002Z

Often things I take really good care of are damaged by other people who sometimes feel no remorse about what they have done. Whether it was my shiny new Walkman or my un-scratched car it always seems to be someone else that does it. I take good care of all my stuff and am surprised when I see people handling things roughly that don't belong to them. The problem I think comes down to me needing an excuse to buy the latest version and almost justifying it when my last one gets slightly damaged. There is a tiny chip out of the bottom corner of my iPod, it's tiny but I still want to replace it with the latest model. My computer screen has a chip in it from a grain of sand that was crushed in there, mmm upgrade? The same day the computer got damaged a dog ate my Ray Bans and my new watch just stopped. The watch took five months to repair and the glasses needed just new lenses taking three months. Last week on my new camera's first day out, a large dog tried to jump and snatch it, mistaking it for a stick. The slobber came off and the damage was minor but please, it was it's first day.

LAST ONE AT JESSOPS

2009-10-21T15:12:00.000+01:00

The camera shop Jessops is always the first port of call when I'm looking for a new camera. Sadly their stock is generally lower than most of their staff's IQ. Over the years the items I have or have tried to purchase have always been the last one in stock. It is like they only ever get one of everything and pop it on display. I don't mind an ex display but would prefer a new one, especially when the item is quite expensive. Trying to knock down the price because of the shop soiling never seems to work, and my bluff of just leaving the shop sometimes works. The alternative is a massive shop here in Prague selling cameras old and new, but the difference being that the new ones are all on the top floor and the second hand and nearly new are on the ground floor. It's great to have a defining line between new and old; sadly it is all just a little more expensive than Jessops.

CELEBRITY VIRUS?

2009-10-19T19:00:00.006+01:00

What if there was a particular virus that only affected celebrities? Who would report on it? It would certainly change the smug face of television as we know it. Sadly it would halt any current and future film productions which would put me out of a job. I guess I'd turn my hand to something different and low key to avoid bringing unwanted attention to myself. You could hide from the disease if you weren't recognized. But it would put a stop to any sort of celebrity farewell parties, except the vindictive ones. This particular strain of the virus could be quite sensitive only picking off people who are in the lime-light, not older retired celebs in their twilight years. It would be unfair to pick off the ones who have hung up their robes. Just those 'celebs' who do nothing and have never done anything, we don't need them. As usual my attention is mainly aimed at the big brother wannabees. If they have made nothing of their one and only chance, the virus should strike there first,bring on the unadvertised panic.

MOLLY SUGDEN

2009-05-08T08:28:00.001+01:00

Was it just me or was I the only person fascinated with the colour of Mrs. Slocombe's hair. Are you being served was the highlight of the week for me when I was growing up until 'allo 'allo came along and filled my void (ooh er) Looking back I can't believe that my parents didn't point out how rude these shows were. They wouldn't let me watch Spitting Image or The Young Ones because of the violence and bad language, but I think these other shows affected me more. I do enjoy comedy violence, and have an absurd fascination with innuendoes so all these shows worked for me. For example just writing this I have only just realized that it was Mrs. Slow Cum, I sort of understood her pussy jokes but this has knocked it up a gear for me. I guess I was too young and was entertained by the ever-changing colour of an old lady's hair. Actually that still seems to keep me amused in my adulthood too.

ANIMAL ATTRACTION

2009-05-05T14:04:00.001+01:00

Is there a law against punching a German sheppard in the face till it shits it's own teeth? I'm pretty sure there is some political correctness gone mad/health and safety legislation against that. I have a real connection with most animals and often surprise people who's pets are "never that friendly towards strangers" it even surprises myself sometimes and often am quite frightened of some larger dogs. I couldn't have a dog myself as the picking up of hot shit turns my stomach even as I type this. This is a problem but not the biggest problem. My beef is in the area of food preparation while in the company of dogs. It should never go hand in paw, but sadly it quashes my appetite quicker that a hot turd any day. Just a large slobbering dog covered in it's own filth tying to get a lick or massive bite out of my food. Often it doesn't affect other people around me but I find it very uncomfortable. German sheppards seem to be the biggest offenders with their massive teeth chomping at me 'playfully?' or just their massive pink tongues lolling around making contact with everything within a three-foot radius. I once had a Alsatian finish off my lunch in a pub while the owner just smiled and said he loved caesar salad, ok but so do I and now it is covered in dog breath and shit so he can finish it. It's not ok for owners to let that happen, but also sadly not ok for me to punch their pet in the throat, shame.

NUTTY MAGNET

2009-05-04T09:51:00.000+01:00

Why do I still attract nutters? Maybe the fact that I often travel by myself, some people feel the need to state the bleeding obvious. " That’s a lot of luggage, are you going somewhere? "etc. It's like the standard quip that those sad people come out with while you are washing your car by hand, "you can do mine if you like, ha ha" tossers. Yes I'm going to the airport so fuck off, please don't talk to me. I found a tenner in the road yesterday and I still happy about that. It is a skill that I have, I think I can smell lost or dropped money as I am always finding cash. There was a very impatient man today sitting next to me who was really keen to be my bus buddy. He was harmless and I was still playing cool, trying not to engage him too much. Suddenly he remarked on the sexiness of a strange girls feet as if he knew anything about me, this was my cut off point as I really wasn't in the mood for a general letch with a strange bloke

3 WAY TRANSLATOR

2009-05-01T09:35:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was visiting a Chinese doctor to try and sort out my urticaria disorder once and for all. I was there with my Czech fiancé and the doctor had a translator too so I'm sure some things must have got lost in the post. Apparently I am a woman and my blood is flowing the wrong way around my body. But as usual it can all be sorted out with a better diet and some herbal black thick shitty looking tea. I have tried everything as previously mentioned in other blogs. I was again looking on the Internet the other week at acupuncture which I have had a few times, but I had missed a procedure. This different technique was using several needles in the ear and allowing a fair amount of blood to flow. Apparently it can be quite unpleasant, not just for the patient but also for the doctor. Sadly the doctor yesterday did not suggest this method, shame really as I was strangely well up for it. I'm heading back to the UK now and will start my tea when I get back to Prague in six days. Oooh I can't wait to get started on the tea, phooey.

COCKDOCKING

2009-04-30T11:00:00.000+01:00

Now there's a term I've never heard of before. No honestly I haven't, just do a Google image search if you dare. A gay friend of mine just mentioned it in passing in a Skype chat last week. He knows I have a thirst for new phrases and this conjured up all kinds of images. He wasn't asking me to join him in this procedure, he was just testing my slim knowledge of gay slang which strangely and slowly I am gathering subconsciously. I'm not gay, not really my thing but hey, it's always good to be aware if what to turn down of an evening, and this was no exception. One page of Google is all it took for me to get the idea, I had no idea that was like a handshake amongst gay men. Here we go...cover your eyes, I'm not sure what happens after one man has pulled his foreskin over another mans penis but I imagine an awkward silence followed by " er, now what?" What if they stuck, will a bucket of cold water do the trick or is it an embarrassing trip to A&E? The original Skype message said " Do you know what cockdocking is?" ten minutes later I replied after some research with, " is there room in there for one more" Just a bit of idle harmless banter with my gay chums, on a Friday. Spacedocking is another world of filth on the other hand should not be looked up, no don't. NO!

DISTRACTION

2009-04-29T09:20:00.001+01:00

I am really distracted with nearly everything I do, not a day goes by without me...oh look at that......

DIABETIC DELIVERY

2009-04-28T13:28:00.000+01:00

A few years ago I took delivery of two double beds in my home (ooh get me!) The day started well with some simple work and the promise of leaving just that little bit earlier to go home for this evening delivery. Suddenly I got a call from the delivery team telling me that they were sitting outside my house four hours early. That's weird because I paid for an evening delivery. I told them that I could be there in an hour and managed to wangle the rest of the afternoon off work. I was quite pleased to get off scott free but pissed off that I had paid extra money to avoid the disruption of my working day. The delivery driver told me over the phone that I was the last one on their list for the day. On arriving at home the guys were waiting with half a truck of undelivered stuff obviously trying it on. Soon the driver was loading the ten or so boxes into my front room. The other guy had asked to use the bathroom and my politeness had overpowered my neuroses and had let him upstairs. He was gone ages and I thought he was going through all my stuff, while the driver distracted me but the truth was much worse. The guy came downstairs and said that he has had trouble recently since he had become diabetic. Oh no I thought, a poo!? not a poo, I didn't authorize a poo! The other guy had done all the work while Mr Poo was busy in my bathroom laying a diabetic delivery of his own. I signed the paperwork and saw them off, then had to face it. "He wouldn't have made a mess in someone's home would he?" I thought to myself. Halfway up the stairs I was confronted by a thick green cloud of toxic and acidic gas that could have killed anything small. On opening the door I couldn't even keep my mouth open long enough to swear at this fucker. The window was soon open and the unflushed lavatory was now humming as if a horse had had a dodgy curry the night before. Who doesn't flush toilet or even fail to get it all in the pan, what a bastard! What would you do? Complain? that could get him fired and he knows where I live, imagine what he could do if he was pissed off. I cleaned the toilet, sprayed the air with stuff and burnt the house down just to be sure. I did complain, but only about the early delivery of the beds not of the steaming pile. Who would expect this from Habitat, maybe I should have complained more but just talking about it used to make me feel bilious, it still does a bit.... bon appetite.

COAL TAR SOAP

2009-04-27T08:41:00.001+01:00

In my spottier years I stumbled across a classic soap that I still swear by. "Fuck me! that stinks" Coal tar soap is bright orange and smells of Savlon. It is actually disinfectant in a bar but sorts out any spot in any form. Pre spot, mid spot even post spot. I use it all the time and it keeps my skin in great condition. Sadly I haven't found it in Prague and have to keep importing large quantities out of the UK like a soap baron. Occasionally I run out due to my germaphobia and hand washing addiction. It works on clothes too, removing stains and is excellent mans soap for removing paint from my hands. The only down side is that it smells a bit but I guess that stops other people using it. Hands off it's mine! I'm on the way home to Blighty now and will me picking up a caseload, as the alternative in the Czech Republic is just wrong. Soap, soap lovely soap.

NEW BUTCHER ON THE BLOCK

2009-04-22T19:22:00.001+01:00

Hey kids I'm coming back, it's been a while but my bag is brimming with new spleens to vent, so keep your eye for me later in the week. BW

PISSING ON THE TUBE

2009-03-26T09:08:00.000Z

Public piddling is something I cannot do, I always opt for a painful and uncomfortable bladder situation. It's like some form of Japanese game show that I always win but with no promise of a prize. Pissing in the streets with my mates after a heavy session has never really happened, as I have no friends that would consider this to be the norm. Several years ago I was witness to an Australian man in his early twenties pissing on the London underground. Not on the platform or on the train but actually standing between the carriages. It was a very hot summer and a really busy tube, he was desperate so he opened the adjoining door and started pissing off the train while we were moving. Sadly it was the short journey between Embankment and Charring Cross, barely giving him time to finish his business. As we pulled into the station he was now urinating onto the platform with a heavy flow. The commuters were unaware of what was going on just that the platform was now puddled as he stood there with his lad in his hand trying to avoid eye contact. I'm not sure what would have happened if he had made contact with the live rail but I guess I will never know, unless I give it a go myself, and this is obviously highly unlikely.

CELEBRITY GRUEL

2009-03-19T07:36:00.001Z

Not watching any British television has really helped in allowing more storage in my head for useful stuff. But yesterday I became aware of Rowan Atkinson taking the West End by storm with his Fagin in Oliver. A couple of moments later and there I was live a Drury Lane via some numbnut's camera phone and YouTube. Good god, is nothing sacred to these idiots? Looking further into the magic of the Tube I found an entertainment news report live on the opening night of Oliver last year. I had forgotten how rubbish our celebs are, but they were all there. Michael Winner, Lionel Blair, Terry Wogan and Alan 'Fricki' Titchmarsh. What a bunch of lightweights, only interspersed with a scum of various soap opera actors and Big Brother illiterate monkeys. "Yeah, it was absolutely amazing, absolutely brilliant" one bint commented, why is the word absolutely have to be used so often by people with limited vocabularies? It's like they are like trying to like fill out their absolutely vacuous existences, idiots! But where did all the beautiful people go, you know the useful ones, the clever ones. Why do we have to put up with the same old sludge being churned up to make a story out of nothing? The Czech Republic has a total of three celebrities, only one of which I could name. He is approximately eighty years old and he has a face like a surprised guppy struck full by an oily frying pan. Karel Gott is the Czech version of a Des O’Connor and Peter Stringfellow half-breed. His age isn't stopping him fathering more children with his young brides, they are queuing up for more gruel round the block, because as one of the only celeb here he controls all the money, lucky bugger. When is Britain going to have a celeb cull, I would watch that, actually I would pay for that, are you listening channel 4? The only problem would be who would host the show, someone obviously who would never fear the chop er .............. nope I can't think of anybody that I wouldn't chop.

PUNK'D-TUATION

2009-03-17T07:11:00.001Z

My father sends me text messages like a yoof. R U OK, we r hme safe n snd, speak l8er, I'm not sure of he is being ironic or he has been receiving text like this from other people. I know he hasn't picked it up from me as I never use this bastardized language. The other month there was again a debate on the news and in the papers about bringing punctuation up to date and rewriting the rules of the English language. The thought of allowing phonetic spelling and text message words into everyday life horrifies me. It has taken years for me to get this far and am very pleased when I finally nail one of those words that have constantly flummoxed me. My punctuation is ok, but not perfect and with the aid of my American spellchecker seemed to have improved my spelling no end, but my struggle will continue. The gradual understanding of the Czech language is proving to be quite hard but I surprise myself sometimes combining the local dialogue with sign language can get me into, and out of trouble.

CLUMSEY

2009-03-16T09:07:00.000Z

When did I become so clumsy, not a day goes by without me hurting myself in some way or another? Yesterday I fell down some wet steps with heavy bags, walked into a door face first and ended the evening by dropping an iron on my foot, point first. My foot is still hurting and the other one I fear is twisted from the fall, but will not show me pain till later on today. My fiancé has a theory that I am psychically taking theses accidents from her while she is pregnant. It is still true that I am feeling many things from her, the sickness has gone but currently I am having food cravings. There was a point last night around midnight that I nearly donned my shoes to go and get some McDonald's chips, I don't eat this stuff anymore. Then the thought of a juicy steak and chips popped into my head with blue cheese sauce, mmm my mouth is again watering. The standard or food variation has plummeted recently and there is a lack of lunch choices at work currently due to our studio being stuck in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. Although while soothing my aching joints in the bath last night I was contemplating taking my rollerblades to work and exercising my lunchtime away, but taking my new found clumsiness into account I think I am having enough trouble without any foot enhancements.

BUM PIPE

2009-03-13T07:44:00.001Z

Anal douching has never been up there on my wish list. Although it appears to be the answer to all ills as far as my flatmate is concerned. "Oh I'm feeling a bit sluggish today I might just have a bath and take it easy in front of the telly" " Have you tried a colonic, that will bring you back to normal." thanks but no, is my normal reply. Over the years I have had many different alternative treatments but this one has never been an option. In the last month, colonic irrigation has been suggested for constipation, spots, kidney stones and bad breath, gladly none of those have been me. The thought of this procedure being used within the confines of the flat didn't bother me until I was confronted by the recently rinsed apparatus draped over the bathroom taps. There it was in all its glory a combination of hoses, attachments and nozzles. It wasn't dirty but there wasn't a snowball chance in he'll that I would touch it. One simple request of "Can you not leave your arse pipe in the bathroom please" and the offensive items were removed. "If I ever see it on show again, I will stuff it up your....oh"

THE BLACK STUFF

2009-03-12T11:26:00.002Z

Recently I become addicted to the black stuff, I can't get enough of it and I fear for my health. I'm not sure how much liquorish it would take to kill a man but I'm probably pushing it to my limit. It all started when my Fiancé bought a packet of Czech liquorice bits to help her with pregnancy, but I tapped into an addition that I considered dead and buried. This local stuff is nice but not as specialised as the more traditional Bertie Bassett, well that's what I thought. One of my current work colleagues on a recent dip back to Blighty bought me two massive bags of original liquorice allsorts, bingo! There have been a few changes over the years to their designs but the principle stayed the same. I couldn't help feel that they were a little more chemical than they used to be, but I am probably wrong. It only took two days to munch that lot down with selective help from friends. Suddenly and without warning I am surround by this stuff, props have a cupboard full of black spirals and cute light teddy bears. Now there is a packet of Fox's Glacier liquorice on my desk, but it is a selective few that can handle the very "salty sill" fish from Ikea, they contain so much salt they could suck the water out of a pig. My insides must be as black as a coalminer's arse crack, that's just after one week. The only way to find a internal happy balance would be to pump in a couple of pounds of white chocolate, oh go on then if it will stop me farting with such gusto and potency.

MEAT-HOSING

2009-03-09T07:26:00.001Z

How can Ikea meatballs cost only 1p each? Are these the last scraps of flesh that can be power-hosed off the bone? I don't think we will ever find the secret of their cheap food, it will remain as much a mystery as their staff qualification requirements. We were there yesterday and it all suddenly became like the emperors clothes to me. Orange squash passing it's self off as freshly squeezed, and the meatballs were almost inedible, almost. I will never eat there again though, I can't help feeling it is the poorest quality food dressed up as cheap and easy convenience food. I gave up McDonalds and all that other crap years ago and feel this store has slipped through my fast food filter. It has never been my first choice for dining but sometimes it's your only choice. Next time Ikea beckons I'll be taking a packed lunch.