The Butterfly And The Guitar

Final Post From The Butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 23:48:00 +0000

Dear Friends,

They say that all good things must come to an end sometime & I believe this to be true. But with every ending there is a new beginning.

…With every caterpillar that "dies," a beautiful butterfly emerges…

So it is with deep sadness, yet renewed & empowered energy, that I inform you of my decision to shut down this blog.

The journey of "The Butterfly & The Guitar" has come to an end.

But with this ending has come an enormously powerful beginning. A new journey has begun & I'd love for you all to be a part of it.

You've all known me as "The Butterfly" for almost 2 years. But when you "met" me, you knew that I was a caterpillar, struggling to find my way in the world.

You stood by my side for countless nights as I mourned the loss of my marriage. You helped me through the tears, anger, & frustration as I coped with my divorce. You offered words of wisdom & kindness as I re-evaluated all areas of my life, everything from my health, relationships, family, & career.

You watched me build my cocoon & isolate myself during my darkest moments of depression. And you supported me when I started to break free, as I flew off to Brazil in search of inner peace.

Well, sweet friends, for all of this I am forever grateful to you. All I can hope is that you've felt loved & supported by me on your journeys as well - that you've taken away bits & pieces that have helped you in your own lives.

Dear sweet friends, I've finally started showing my true self to the world & I would absolutely love for you to join me as I continue to fly.

In an ideal world I'd find a way to get us all in one giant room to talk about life over tea & chocolates. But instead, I've decided to take a much more practical & realistic approach.

I've just launched my own website & created a brand new Facebook page. I debated for months about whether or not I should simply "transform" The Butterfly & The Guitar into a new page, but decided against it. I want to start fresh, with a new energy, one of empowerment & adventure.

I do hope you will join me on my new page, & engage with me on my new site! Something just feels "off" without all of you there - I tell the Guitar this all the time.

My hope is to build a community, one that wants to embrace life, to help other struggling caterpillars emerge as the beautiful butterflies they truly are!

So, here we are. It is time.

Hello, sweet friends: My name is Victoria, & I am The Butterfly.

Hi, I am The Butterfly

Now, I understand that you may have some questions for me. I am certainly open to answering any & all of them! The plan is to keep "The Butterfly & The Guitar" up until the end of the year. On January 1st, I will be shutting it down. In the meantime, ask away my friends!

You can also email me at thebutterflyandtheguitar@gmail.com.

But I do hope you will join me in my new community on Facebook & on my new website.

Let's continue exploring life together, shall we?

I've missed you all.

With deep love & respect,

xoxoxo

-Victoria, "The Butterfly"

P.S. Here are some photos of my recent adventures!

Hiking in Southern Brazil

Eating ice cream in Uruguay

Learning to surf in Northern Brazil

Horseback riding in Colorado

Visiting the Louvre in France

Hiking Squaw Peak in Arizona

P.S.S. Here is a song that I'd like to leave you with:

"Life goes on, it gets so heavy

The wheel breaks the butterfly

Every tear a waterfall

In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes

In the night the stormy night away she'd fly..."

Colorado Theater Shooting: A Change in Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 16:37:00 +0000

Hug

When I woke up this morning, I was about to step onto my yoga mat when I heard a dull buzzing sound coming from the garage. I tapped my Guitar on the foot and said: “Your brother’s back? Did he call and let you know he’d be here tonight? He isn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow.” My Guitar, not being a morning person, groaned and rolled over. I, on the other hand, became extremely annoyed.

You see, the Guitar’s brother was supposed to be in Denver for the night, watching the premier of The Dark Knight Rises.

Since Monday afternoon, the Guitar’s brother has been staying with us in Southern Colorado. While I made the suggestion that he live with us as he transitions into a new job in Denver, by Monday evening, I already had regrets. By Tuesday evening, my Guitar had similar ill feelings towards our houseguest.

“He’s a slob, a narcissist, and a liar,” was the conclusion my Guitar came to after expressing his gratefulness that his brother was taking a road trip up to Denver yesterday to see his girlfriend. While I definitely concurred with his sentiments, I was more annoyed at the fact that my Guitar’s brother was causing him great distress, and hurting him in ways he was incapable of understanding. “Don’t worry, he’ll be out of here on Monday, and he’s buying us groceries before he comes home tomorrow.” That was the only consolation my Guitar could offer regarding the obtrusive 22-year old living in our garage.

Realizing that our freedom was abruptly cut short, as I sat in meditation this morning, I began thinking of the many ways I’d like to tell my Guitar’s brother to "stick it where the sun don’t shine." In fact, I actually had a breakthrough; after all I’d been through with my ex-husband and my dysfunctional family, my Guitar’s brother was the first person I could actually see myself telling off. My yoga practice was invigorated with visions of myself taking a confident stance against the first person in the world I felt I didn’t owe anything to; how liberating it was to realize the worst case scenario was his departure from our home!

I carried on with the morning as usual, only becoming slightly more enraged as I realized that my Guitar’s brother did not, as promised, pick up groceries on his way back to Southern Colorado. I went for a short walk and listened to Eckhart Tolle, trying to imagine remaining calm when I finally had to face the man that has caused so much distress in the short 5 day’s he’s been living with the Guitar and I.

When I arrived home, my Guitar stopped me on the way to the shower: “Did you hear there was a shooting in Denver last night?” Since I hadn’t opened my phone or computer yet, the answer was no. “It was at the theater my brother would’ve gone to, at the premier of The Dark Knight Rises.” It took a few moments to make the connection in my brain: Denver, shooting, premier, the Guitar’s brother.

“Oh my…”

My Guitar sat in silence for a few moments before saying, “I’m going to wake him up in a few minutes to see what happened.” All I could say in response was “I’m so grateful your brother is here,” and I meant it. I truly feel grateful that his brother is safe, and sleeping in our garage with a loud, buzzing, swamp cooler.

This whole situation has had a profound impact on me. In the span of 2 hours, I went from the angriest I’ve ever openly allowed myself to feel towards someone, to feeling deeply grateful that every annoying piece of hair on that mans head is alive and safe. How easy it is to lose perspective about what really matters in life; how easy it is to let trivial matters enrage and consume us.

As it turns out, my Guitar’s brother never ended up going to the movie premier last night. As he puts it, “I had a feeling something like this was going to happen.” Whether that’s true or not will always be a mystery. The important thing is that he’s safe and sound, and for at least the next 24 hours, he has free reign to be as annoying and obtrusive as he wants to be – but I won’t tell him that.

My heart goes out to those that have been affected by the shooting.

-The Butterfly

Where are the Butterfly & the Guitar?

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Mon, 18 Jun 2012 01:03:00 +0000

Colorado

Where in the world are the Butterfly and the Guitar?

April: Brazil

May: New York

June: Colorado

When our time in Brazil was coming to a close, the Guitar and I realized that there was only one thing certain about our future:

Staying in New York was absolutely not an option.

So when our plane touched down at the end of April, we knew we had to tie up loose ends and get out as soon as possible.

The Guitar and I quickly realized that when you’re in a toxic environment, there is no way to "get out" quick enough. In one month’s time, it seemed as though most of the personal growth the Guitar and I had made over the last 6 months in Brazil was completely washed away. By the end of our stay, we were completely drained.

Our time in Brazil was extremely healing. The lifestyle we were living was slow, simple, and calm. We were surrounded by nature, and nourishing our minds, bodies, and spirits on a daily basis. The people in our environment were positive, supportive, and loving.

New York was the exact opposite. White sandy beaches were replaced with suburban homes. Warm weather was replaced with the bitter cold of spring in the Northeast. Soft, sandy paths were replaced with hard, harsh roads. But more importantly, our environment was filled with negative, unsupportive, and toxic people.

The Guitar and I made a mistake: we moved into my family’s house while we waited to leave for Colorado. From the moment we got home, my parents were vocal about their disapproval about my divorce; this immediately caused issues in my relationship with them, and immediately caused tension in my relationship with my Guitar. To make matters worse, I also had to tie up all of the unpleasant loose ends from my marriage, like removing all remaining items from my old condo, and filing taxes from the year prior to the divorce. The final blow? The Guitar and I were banished to an upstairs room in my parent’s house. While I tried to remain as grateful as possible, it was definitely a daily test in my commitment towards letting go: letting go of anger, letting go of judgment, letting go of anxiety, and letting go of resentment.

For the entire month of May, I watched my Guitar visibly crumble before my eyes. He put on 30 pounds in 30 days. He was having massive headaches, weekly breakdowns, and panic attacks. I quickly realized that it was my turn to be strong; if we were going to get through the month, I’d have to keep it together for the both of us. Just like he packed all of my stuff for our trip to Brazil, I knew I’d have to pack all of his stuff for our trip to Colorado.

The drive out to Colorado was miserable. My therapist warned us that we would need to “detox” from our month long trauma in New York, and he was absolutely correct. We fought for most of the drive, and the icing on the cake was when we got rear-ended in Kansas.

But we've been in Colorado for almost 3 weeks and I’ve finally regained some of the inner peace I found in Brazil. The Guitar can finally take a deep breath and relax, knowing that he's in a safe environment, and knowing that everything with my marriage is finally over.

Why Colorado? Well, perhaps that’s a story for another blog entry. Just know that we are safe, and that we think about you often.

Every morning, the Guitar and I go on a walk. There are butterfly’s everywhere in Southern Colorado…

It’s like I always say: “Look! There’s a butterfly! See, my sweet Guitar. We are exactly where we're supposed to be.”

Peace & Love,

-The Butterfly

Sweet morning butterfly

The journey or the destination?

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 22:30:00 +0000

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end."
-Ernest Hemingway

The Guitar and I have arrived in New York. After two straight days of traveling, we were both exhausted. We spent a few days recovering, but once the fatigue wore off, reality smacked us both in the face:

We’re not in Brazil anymore.

At first, we were both too overwhelmed to comprehend what that even meant. But we knew what we felt.

The energy here is heavy. The air is thicker. The pace is faster. The weather is colder. The people are more hostile…. more negative… more aggressive.

Unbeknownst to us, as each day passed, a little seed was slowly growing within us, waiting for the right time to burst through the surface; but after about a week, it finally did.

As I stared into the eyes of my Guitar, we both had the same, difficult question ringing between our ears: “What now?”

What now?

It’s a question that my parents had been dancing around since our plane touched down in New York. It’s a question that I’ve been avoiding since October.

What comes after Brazil?

For the first time in my life, I didn’t have an answer – and neither did my Guitar.

Not having a plan is scary; we both felt anxious and afraid. When the Guitar and I left for Brazil, we did the best we could as we watched pieces of our lives slowly spiral out of control. Unfortunately, things got messy, and that mess was left to stagnate for the 6 months we were away. While my Guitar and I changed, grew, and healed, the people and situations we “left behind” didn’t, and now that we are back, people want to know what we have to show for ourselves. They are uninterested in stories about our time on the beach; they are uninterested in our adventures with nature; and they are certainly uninterested in the personal growth we both achieved. People don’t care about how we “healed.” People want to see the results of our time away – they want us to justify why our time in Brazil was “worth it” – why we thought it was ok to leave them behind – why we thought it was ok to leave the “mess” we had made behind as well.

It seems like everyone wants us to look backwards, when all my Guitar and I want to do is be present and look forward.

It’s been a rough two weeks, and my Guitar and I are slowly starting to formulate the answer to “what now?” But this situation has left me wondering:

Is Mr. Hemingway correct when he says that, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end?” Were we foolish to think that an adventure to Brazil would change anything – that healing our lives would be worth anything to those we “left behind?”

Is it ok to be on “the journey,” and deal with the “what now” when it actually needs to be dealt with? Or should we always have a concrete “end to journey toward?”

-The Butterfly

The Butterfly: A Connection to My Higher Self

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:21:00 +0000

“Associating an image with our higher self can help us find our way back to it when we’re feeling uneasy, stressed, or challenged. The image gives us a very personal, direct connection with our inner wisdom.”

–Mali Apple & Joe Dunn

I am the Butterfly. After over a year of intense transformation, I finally broke free from my cocoon, spread my wings, and flew.

… and I flew all the way to South America.

When I arrived in Brazil, I made a commitment to myself to develop a more regular yoga practice. For the past 144 days, I’ve begun each morning by rolling out of bed and stepping onto my yoga mat.

I start my practice with a few moments of silence; I close my eyes; I feel myself grounded to the earth; I connect with my breath; I feel the fresh air flowing in and out of my nostrils; and when I am ready, I gently start to move my body.

During the first 3 months, when I was in Southern Brazil, my gentle movements always turned into a vigorous stream of flowing postures; my heart rate would increase; and about 45 to 90 minutes later, my clothing would be sweaty as I closed my practice with a few moments of silence before hopping in the shower.

…while this Butterfly had emerged, she was still extremely delicate and was struggling to get used to the new external world she was creating around her…

Much like everything in life, things change – and my yoga practice has not been an exception. As I greeted the beaches of Northern Brazil a little over a month ago, I also greeted an entirely different experience on my yoga mat. Long gone are the days of flowing postures, accompanied by rhythmic music and beads of sweat. Lately, I find myself craving the silence of the morning hours, the stillness of the darkness, and the gentleness that comes with slow, long stretches; 45-90 minutes has now turned into 2, and sometimes even 3 hours of calm, meditative movements.

A few days ago, I was sent a link to an article entitled “Create a Shortcut to Your Source.” In the article, it states that: “Associating an image with our higher self can help us find our way back to it when we’re feeling uneasy, stressed, or challenged. The image gives us a very personal, direct connection with our inner wisdom.”

After reading this article, I immediately realized that the image I have chosen to identify with is, of course, the butterfly. My tendency is that of the butterfly – to develop my cocoon, protect myself from the external environment, become still and isolated, slowly transform, and when I am ready – make a drastic emergence into a whole new world. When I reflect upon my life, I can clearly see this pattern repeating itself over and over and over again. I went into my cocoon before I left home for the military, and emerged transformed the day I started Basic Training; I went into my cocoon before I got married, and emerged the day I walked down the aisle; and I absolutely went into my cocoon when I decided to end my marriage, emerging the day I flew to Brazil.

Once again, change is in the air: in little over a month, I will be flying back to New York. With this knowledge, as I step on my yoga mat each morning, I can feel myself stepping back into my cocoon. Yet, something is different; in the past, each time I went into my cocoon it was to transform to meet the needs of my external environment. But this time, the external environment seems to be less important. My cocoon is serving as a safe, still, silent place for internal growth to occur. I don’t want to use it as a protective shell anymore. I want the internal growth that I’ve achieved in Brazil to stick. If I am going to re-emerge once I step back on US soil, I need to make sure that the cocoon I am currently inhabiting is more still – more calm – and more honest then it’s ever been before.

My time in Brazil is about INTERNAL – not external – transformation.

Dear readers, this is why I’ve been struggling to write lately. I am enjoying the silence and stillness of the present moment so much that I no longer comprehend what it means to think about the past or the future.

…This Butterfly needs to remain still until the timing is right for her to emerge…

My Guitar is going through something similar as well. He used to strongly identify with the sturdiness of the wooden structure of the guitar, but as we approach our departure from Brazil, the more beautiful, creative side of this image has emerged.

What image do you associate with your higher self?

-The Butterfly

The "next step"

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:02:00 +0000

“It sounds like this was the perfect break you needed from life.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.”

“You should start thinking about your next step.”

The Guitar

These people are totally missing the point…

It’s been 4 months since I stepped foot in the United States.

It hasn’t been an easy 4 months. The first 3 months were filled with depression, anger, resentment, and confusion.

But I wasn’t depressed, angry, resentful, or confused about my decision to come to Brazil. I was depressed, angry, resentful, and confused about pretty much every other aspect of my life- but not about my decision to leave NY.

Ending my marriage – leaving my job – selling my stuff – giving my ex-husband our condo – these were all steps towards living a more authentic life. These were all steps on a journey towards something greater- towards freedom.

The first few months were rough; but that’s to be expected, right? After all, one would be foolish to think such huge personal changes could be made with zero aftermath. But come January first, I grew tired of being miserable. When we relocated to Northern Brazil, I made the decision to let things go – to move forward. I realized that, while things got ugly over the past year, in the end – I still did it – I still set myself free.

So now, a month after that decision was made - the decision to be OK with the life I created - I find my life moving in a totally different direction then I ever could have imagined. I find myself laughing more. I feel excited. I smile.

But the biggest change of all has been realized over the last week. As the days drift by and our departure date from Brazil slowly nears, I am starting to realize that – for the first time in my life – I don’t want the time to pass. For the first time in my life – I don’t want to be any place but here. I have spent my life living mini-countdowns until the “next thing;” 4 years until graduation, 4 months until I get off of my navy ship, 8 years until my military commitment is over… 4 hours until dinner.

For the first time, I just want to be present. I want to be here, and only here – in this moment. I want to absorb every second of this adventure in Brazil.

But that’s not all; I want this adventure to continue. I want to keep living an exceptional life. I want to see the world. I want to meet new people. I want to feel excited and inspired for the rest of my life.

Isn’t that the point?

Next step???

It’s hard hearing my parents, friends, and family say things like, “it sounds like this was the perfect break you needed from life,” “enjoy it while it lasts,” and “you should start thinking about your next step.”

Perfect break? While it lasts? Next step?

When I came to Brazil, it wasn’t to “take a break” from something. It wasn’t supposed to be a temporary “fix” with a limited shelf life. No – coming to Brazil, leaving my marriage, quitting my job – those were all LIFE changes... permanent life-style adjustments.

There is a reality to the situation that cannot be ignored, however. In two months, I will be forced to return to the United States. I will be forced to file taxes, face the little remaining “stuff” I own that is stored away in the attic of my old condo, and start thinking about my “next step.”

But does that “next step” have to feel so… depressing? I have zero intention of ever working a 9-5 job again in my life. I have zero intention of staying in New York for the rest of my life. There is a big world out there, and I want to see it.

Staying with my parents for more then a few weeks while I get back on my feet is absolutely NOT an option – especially since my Guitar and I will be together. We know we need a plan, but we are too busy enjoying the present moment to actually sit down and come up with one!

So what would you do? Would you stay present in the moment and think about the “next step” when you got home - or would you start planning now? After all, the present moment is all we really have – right?

Perhaps if I call it the “next adventure,” it won’t feel so doom-and-gloom…

-The Butterfly

...an adventure...

Focus on the exhale...

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:25:00 +0000

"By focusing on your exhaling breath, you can let go of the past and come into the present with a renewed commitment." -Unknown

The Butterfly

It’s official. I am divorced.

Apparently, my (now ex-) husband has known for a while (I am still not sure how long), but I hadn’t specifically asked about it, so he never offered the information.

Some things will never change…

In any event: it’s over. I am now the dreaded “D” word: DIVORCED. I have an “ex-husband;” I am now an “ex-wife;” and I can now join clubs that require members to be “divorcees.”

Great.

Of course, my new change in marital status raises many questions. First of all, does this mean I am legally obligated to check the “divorced” box? Why can’t I be “single?” Once we file our 2011 taxes, the only thing connecting us will be our condo, and once I sign that over to him in June, there will be nothing but photographs and memories documenting our life together.

Oh yeah, and the divorce papers.

But if there are no children involved, no legal battles to be fought and no lingering pay-outs, pension plans, or financial obligations- can I just go back to being “single?” Or is it unethical to “erase” the last 3.5 years of my life? It's bad enough that my heart will always skip a beat when faced with the “status” question- but do I have to repeatedly document my dirty laundry for all those to see? Don’t I have a right to my privacy- especially since there will be nothing lingering to connect the two of us?

But “single” would be incorrect as well - I’m not “single.” I have my Guitar. Facebook seems to be the only one that cares that I am “In a relationship.” In the real world where status boxes are checked, “In a relationship” means nothing. In fact, “In a relationship” doesn’t exist. No medical insurance will be given to someone I am “In a relationship” with; no tax breaks will be cut because I am “In a relationship;” and I cringe just as much as the next guy when I utter the words “boyfriend” – like I am in junior high going on dates to the bowling alley with the boy that sits next to me in math class.

Maybe I should just check “other.” Is there an “other” box under “Marital Status?”

And what do I call the last 3.5 years of my life? I can’t refer to it as my “first marriage” because that would imply that there is, and/or will be, a second. My ex-husband won’t become my “first husband” until I decided to have a second one… right?

Anyway, the point is that I am officially on the “other side.”

When my husband told me, I didn’t know how to respond.

“I didn’t get anything in the mail. I actually found out online. There is a website; if you type in our names, it comes up,” he said.

We sat in silence for about 5 minutes before I could utter the word, “Seriously?”

To which he responded: “Yeah. That’s the same reaction I had.”

In the moment, my mind was completely blank. But ever since that conversation, I haven’t been able to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with extreme chest pain. It has become increasingly difficult to remain present during my yoga practice; certain poses bring a stabbing knife right through the center of my heart.

Could it be that my heart is truly broken?

Putting words to this new change in marital status has been extremely difficult. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized how constricted my chest has become- how much pressure I have been placing on myself to “keep it all in.”

“Focus on your exhale,” were the words of wisdom dished out by the senior patroness of the retreat center in Brazil.

So I did. For the first time, I stopped “focusing on the breath” and I drew my attention more specifically to the exhalation.

“My breath is in my chest,” I responded.

“Exactly. You need to allow the exhalation to ground and center you.”

So I did. After a few moments, my chest pain was gone- my mind, body and emotions were calm- and I felt like I could finally relax.

Sometimes in our lives, we are faced with situations that truly feel like they are “breaking our hearts.” Before you embark on an endless journey for a diagnosis, connect with your breath. Connect with your exhalation. See if you can use the breath to clear a pathway that runs the entire length of your spine.

And then: Cry. Laugh. Scream. Dance. Run. Paint.

…Mark “other” as your status on Facebook.

-The Butterfly

I created this...

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:57:00 +0000

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” – Deborah Reber

Healing Lake

It’s been a long day of traveling: an early wake up at 3 am followed by 1.5 hours of highway driving, 2 flights broken up by an airport delay, 1 hour of highway driving, 45 minutes of dirt roads, and 30 minutes of sandy roads.

But as I watch the sun set over the beautiful lake near my new home for the next 3 months, I feel an energy pulsing through my body that makes me feel more alive than I have in over a year.

I slowly glide my body into the warm, soothing lake; as I float across it’s surface, I feel the setting sun caress my face as I gaze up at the moving clouds above. A voice from deep within my heart whispers gently in my ear: You created this…

This voice startles me. I sit up and quickly look around. I see the ocean off in the distance. The only other person in the lake is my sweet Guitar, floating several feet away. I see the sun setting behind the palm trees.

Slowly, I allow my body to relax and resume its gentle float across the water’s surface. I hear my heart whisper once again: You did it. Life is good.

At night, I meditate outside under the full moon. The air smells like fresh mangos and ocean breeze. I forget about my travels as the scenes of the later part of my day replay in my mind: monkeys in the trees 2 feet from our house, learning to surf in an ocean with perfect blue water, tasting fresh local cuisine cooked right on the beach, papayas growing on the trees outside my bedroom window. As I open my eyes, I see two shooting stars. Once again, I hear my heart whisper: You created this. Be happy.

For 3 days, we don’t have Internet. For 3 days, I am able to maintain my state of happiness- that’s 2 days longer than I have in the last year and a half.

Tropical beaches. Healing lakes. Fresh cuisine. Clear skies. Nature. No distractions. A man that loves me and has stuck with me through the worst moments of my life… I did it. I created this. I am here.

And then, at the end of day 3, we got Internet back. After 15 minutes of reading emails from home, my emotional state is immediately shot directly in the heart. I hear that little voice scream inside of me: Shut your computer. Stop. Now.

I listen. I shut my computer. I step outside for a brief moment. I stare up at the sky full of stars. I cry.

This needs to stop, once and for all.

The Butterfly & The Guitar

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” – Steve Maraboli

Dear followers, I know it’s been a while. Please bear with me as I try to sum up the events of the last several months.

As you know, I flew to Southern Brazil in October. The plan was to stay there through December, and arrive home in New York right before Christmas.

When my Guitar arrived in November, it was only a matter of weeks before he and the couple I have been staying with illuminated the reality of my mental and emotional state: I was severely depressed. This depression was manifesting in several ways. I could not sleep. I was losing weight. I was getting sick. I felt completely lost and alone. Every time I started to feel better, I’d interact with home and immediately fall back to square one (sometimes farther). I knew I was in a beautiful place surrounded by loving people and gorgeous nature; but even though I had moments of pure happiness, the bad times severely outweighed the good times- and my knowledge of this fact only made the bad times worse.

As we approached December, the couple we have been staying with suggested that we spend an additional three months volunteering with them at their vacation home in Northern Brazil. I spent several weeks debating whether or not this was a good idea. Against my better judgment, I (once again) attempted to seek advice from my parents. Their response involved words like: “selfish,” “missing the holidays,” “you’re dead to me,” and worse.

This short conversation resulted in a solid week of tears.

Despite this anger from my parents, I started to realize that I didn’t have an option: I needed to stay in Brazil. I wasn’t ready to go home. At the time, missing the holidays seemed like the biggest deal in the world. But as scary as that prospect was- flying back to NY was even scarier.

I made life extremely difficult up through the New Year. I moved through extreme highs and extreme lows with my emotions. But through it all, my Guitar has remained by my side and allowed me to slowly come to my own conclusions about the past year and a half of my life.

One of the conclusions that I came to over the past several weeks is that I value commitment. I value marriage. As such, I have been struggling with the fact that mine ended, and that I am the one that left. But more importantly, I am struggling with what I had to do in order to make it happen. I did not honor my commitment to stay with my husband "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse;" but I also lacked just as much commitment to my decision to leave. I am struggling with the fact that things got messy- people got hurt- and that most of the issues were attached to my recklessness and indecision.

So, for 2012, I will be working on commitment. Commitment to myself- commitment to others- commitment to decisions, no matter how big or small. For the last two weeks, every day that has passed has made this process a little bit easier. When we arrived in Northern Brazil on Sunday, I thought I had started to figure some things out. As I floated on the surface of that lake, I realized that I did it; I realized that I created all of this- it may have gotten ugly at times, but ultimately- the beauty and love surrounding me in the present moment is what I’ve always wanted- it’s what I’ve worked to have over this past year and a half- it’s why I left.

I did it.

The Butterfly

But when our Internet was finally restored last night, I was greeted with several emails that brought me back a few steps in my healing process. Questions were raised about why I left my husband without having solid facts first- why I listened to my intuition and made the decision so painful for everyone.

I couldn’t finish checking my emails.

I can’t go back there. Not now.

So all of this has raised some questions (of course): Do I have a right to be this happy after the hurt I caused to get to this place? At some point in the grieving process, is it OK to finally feel like you’ve grieved enough? Is it OK to finally make the decision to let it go and move forward?

My Guitar says I have “survivors guilt.”

I am tired of grieving. I feel like I have been sad enough. It’s like I finally feel like I’ve earned the right to tell my mind to “shut up!” when it starts to go to the dark side.

So you see, dear readers, why it has been difficult for me to write this blog over the last several months? The Butterfly & The Guitar is a written account of the trauma I caused both myself and others over the last year; it is a play by play of the sadness and hurt that I have cycled through on my continuous quest to find happiness. At some point over the last few months in Southern Brazil, I became deeply ashamed of my process and the mistakes I have made along the way.

But even though I haven’t been writing over these past few weeks, I have received comments on facebook and emails from many of you, truly concerned about where we have been over the past few months. I started to realize that not writing is pushing away real people that truly support me and understand this journey I am on- people that have stuck by my side just as diligently as my sweet Guitar- even when things got ugly.

Pushing you all away would be going against my commitment to heal myself and heal my life.

So, dear readers, I hope to once again start writing more frequently. I plan on responding to the many emails and messages I have received. I thank you all for your words of wisdom, patience, and love.

I have missed you all.

Peace & Love,

The Butterfly

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

Photos: The Truth Unveiled

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:56:00 +0000

“There’s always a reason behind a smile, whether it’s real or fake.” - Unknown

My Guitar quickly scrolls through the 262 photos he took during our afternoon adventure at the beach.

“Wait, slow down. Go back a few images.”

My Guitar scrolls back to an image of me standing on a giant rock moments before a huge wave crashed into its side.

“Look at that!”

“I know,” said my Guitar, “that was a huge wave!”

“No, that’s not what I am talking about.”

My Guitar looks up at me from the computer.

“Look at my face.”

Glancing back at my computer screen, my Guitar says, “Yeah. What about it? You look great!”

I place my hands on the desk and lean towards the screen. “I look… happy.”

There is a sense of calm on my face that I haven’t seen in years.

“I can’t remember the last time I looked that relaxed.”

Sometimes, catching a glimpse of a photo of ourselves can give us insight into how the world sees us. Until I saw this image taken by my Guitar on a sunny beach in Brazil, I did not realize how sad and stressed I used to look in photos. Now, as I scroll through old images taken throughout my life, I can see a deep pain seeping through my eyes. It’s almost as if fear, anxiety, and tension are screaming through my posed body language and fake smiles.

You can’t fake happiness. Happiness doesn’t look perfect. Happiness doesn’t look posed. Happiness certainly doesn’t come from a forced smile.

I used to model. One of my photographers once told me that “your images are amazing, but there is a deep sadness that pours from your eyes.” At the time, I wrote off his comment as psychobabble coming from a man missing at least 5 years of training to be making such an outlandish statement; but now, as my sense of inner freedom and confidence grows, I am starting to understand what he meant.

When I look at myself in old family photos, I see a scared child screaming for love and support. Every photo taken of me until I hit my teenage years contains the same facial expression: me biting my lip, eyes wide open like a deer in headlights.

When I look back at myself in old photos with my ex-husband, I see a scared woman screaming for love and support. Every photo taken throughout our relationship contains the same body language: I am hanging on him- clinging to him- hoping that he will give me whatever it was I thought I so desperately needed at the time. I was longing for him to want me; I was longing to be his one and only. I was scared he would not take a photo with me, let alone stay committed to our relationship.

But now, as I look at these images taken with a loving hand- the hand of my sweet Guitar- in a place where I am surrounded by endless emotional support, beautiful beaches, and soothing rays of sunshine, my facial expression cannot hide the deep inner healing that is occurring. These pictures aren’t posed. The smiles aren’t prompted. The photos aren’t staged.

You can fake a smile, but you can’t fake happiness, and a photo never lies. The truth always finds a way to seep through the image.

Take some time to look through old images of yourself: what do you see?

-The Butterfly

Walk away: Take what you deserve

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 10:04:00 +0000

“Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?” –Jane Burke, Grey’s Anatomy

Walk away...

“Right now, the ups and downs in our relationship remind me of the beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband. I should have walked away, but instead- I married him. I can’t make that same mistake twice.”

My Guitar slowly takes off his glasses and places them on the side of the bed. Covering his eyes with his hands, he lets out a deep sigh.

“Maybe I need to look within myself and figure out why I can’t walk away from you.”

My Guitar has a valid point: it’s been a horrendous 15-month relationship. Yes, we’ve had great moments- but the “downs” certainly out-weight the “ups” on this roller coaster ride.

“I just know that you’ve been through so much. Now that you are healing, I am out of energy. I’ve got nothing left to give.”

I can hear the sadness in my Guitar’s voice. But he is right: we’ve been on a rough road. I am finally healing, but I can’t rush the process. He has lost patience and energy.

Every argument leads me to ask the question “Why now?”

Why does my Guitar have to lose patience now?

Why does my Guitar have to be tired now?

I am finally feeling better, finally moving forward- and now he get’s burned out?

But I do understand where he is coming from. It makes total sense.

“So what do we do?” My Guitar does not want to hear that I think we should walk away from this relationship. I don’t want to walk away from the relationship. But these “ups” and “downs” are too familiar.

My eyes lock on the corner of a chipped floor tile. I let my mind wander for a few moments as I try to imagine life without my Guitar. A quote pops into my head:

“If they don’t chase you when you walk away, keep walking” –Unknown

Chase me...

My Guitar always chases me. The reason I clung so hard to my ex-husband was because I knew he never would… and sure enough, he never did…

I look over to my Guitar. I can tell he is tired, distraught, and deeply saddened that we are having such a rough time in our relationship right now. I look over to the window. I see the landscape of Southern Brazil glowing in the dimming light of the setting sun.

Finally, I whisper: “We’re in Brazil. Life is good. Let’s not walk away from each other. Let’s walk away from the past 15 months and live in the present moment.”

There is a quote from Grey’s Anatomy that says, “Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?”

Last night, I panicked. The difficulties my Guitar and I have been experiencing in our relationship have scared me. My mind wanted to equate these issues to issues I had with my now ex-husband. My mind got caught up in the concept of walking away.

Why didn’t I walk away from my ex-husband all those years when things were bad, even after he cheated on me?

Why don’t I walk away from friends that are selfish and unsupportive?

Why can’t I walk away from family members, even temporarily, while I heal?

Walk away...

I know all of these things don’t serve me; I know by staying in these situations, I am taking less than I deserve. But it all boils down to fear: fear that they won’t “chase me.” Fear that they will walk even faster away in the opposite direction. Fear that I’m not good enough.

But what I realized last night is that my Guitar is absolutely not my ex-husband, or my unsupportive friends, or my family; my Guitar wants this relationship. My Guitar has proven over and over and over again that he is willing to work through the difficulties- that he wants to make things better- and that he will fight for us to be together.

I won’t walk away from my Guitar. I am not going to take less than I deserve... I deserve the love of my sweet, gentle, Guitar.

Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?

-The Butterfly

Hitting the wall: Healing is painful

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:13:00 +0000

“Hitting The Wall is basically about running out of energy.” -Dave Martin

Hitting the Wall

As I begin my 6^th week in Brazil, I can confidently state this as fact: healing is painful.

My one goal for my 3-month hiatus to the Southern Hemisphere was “to heal” from the trauma of the last year; to come to terms with my divorce, to deal with my anger towards my family, and to recover from anxiety and fear of leaving my high paying job.

For the first 4 weeks of my trip, I struggled to adjust to a slower work schedule and new environment- but overall, I was thriving off of the excitement of my new adventure. However, by the time my Guitar boarded the plane for Brazil on October 29^th, I knew I needed his support.

For the last year (in reality, for the last decade), I’ve been operating at full speed; I woke up at 4 am, got in an hour of cardio exercise (usually running or the elliptical machine), worked all day in an environment that stressed me out, and then went home to a house full of anger and resentment. I struggled to deal with my divorce and suffered through many stress related health problems. I averaged about 4 hours of restless sleep per night, rushed through my meals, and isolated myself as I came to terms with the many superficial friendships I suddenly realized I had created.

As I started week 5 in Brazil, it was like my body finally felt the affects of “hitting the wall.”

As part of my plan to heal from the last year, I committed to never setting my alarm clock while I am down here. I now average about 8 hours of sleep per night. Instead of waking up to a cardio workout, I wake up to an hour of gentle yoga. Instead of rushing through my meals, I enjoy cooking meals with the fresh local organic ingredients available. Every week I get a massage. I have a 4-hour lunch break to go for a nice walk and take a nap. I am surrounded with loving people that always greet me with a warm hug, a double kiss, and a genuine smile.

All of this sounds great, right? Well, unfortunately, when you slam on the brakes and go from full speed to dead stop in one 9-hour flight to Southern Brazil, there comes a moment (at about the end of week 4) when the aftermath of “hitting the wall” sets in.

The aftermath for me came out in the form of physical illness, anxiety attacks, and complete exhaustion. Even though I have been taking the time to be gentle with myself, and to nourish my body, mind, and spirit- I cannot escape the fact that “healing is painful” and that there are very real issues that I need to deal with and very real side effects that occur after enduring a year of constant stress.

So, week 5 was pretty brutal as reality finally set in. But, I am proud to say that I am still committed to my one goal: “to heal.” No matter how painful the process may be, I know I can do this. When you “hit the wall,” you basically run out of energy. Luckily, it doesn’t take much energy to slow down.

Slow Down

How do you cope with “hitting the wall?” Is it possible to view “hitting the wall” as a positive sign that it’s time “to heal?”

-The Butterfly

Nourishment: feeding the mind, body, and soul

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 20:46:00 +0000

"There are realities we all share, regardless of our nationality, language, or individual tastes. As we need food, so do we need emotional nourishment: love, kindness, appreciation, and support from others."
-J. Donald Walters

The minute I hear the taxi pull up, I feel my heart begin to pound. The truth is, this is the third time I've raced outside to greet my Guitar. Will it really be him this time?

Waiting

As always, life throws curve-balls. My Guitar was supposed to arrive late Saturday night, but his flight was delayed. He, and several of his companions, missed their final connecting flight that would have brought my Guitar home to me in the middle of the night. Instead, the airline gave him a hotel room and a new ticket for an early morning flight.

Communication was difficult; it's not like our cell phones work in Brazil! So when my Guitar hadn't arrived by 2 am, I figured he would be flying in the next morning.

Needless to say: I got no sleep.

Finally, at 11 am on Sunday, I hear the familiar sound of a taxi pulling up the driveway.

It's him!

I run outside. For the third time. But this time- I am right.

The moment the car stops, my Guitar pops open the passenger side door and hops out. Any anxiety about what it would be like to have him join me on this journey through Brazil is immediately washed away the moment I jump into his arms.

He feels so warm.

I melt into his body, letting his love nourish my entire being. I feel his heartbeat.

I am home. I am safe.

Warm Hug

When I arrived in Brazil, I had one goal: to heal. I wanted to heal from a year of trauma. I wanted to let go of a year of anger, depression, anxiety, and betrayal. I wanted to release that which no longer served me, and embrace that which does.

Since I arrived in Brazil, I've ended up at the health clinic three times. Once for an injury to my ankle that occurred the week before I got on the plane; once for a growth on my skin that looked suspect; once for a severe reaction to a medication I was taking.

All of these physical ailments have brought one word to the service: nourishment.

I tell my Guitar that I want to get healthy. But what does "getting healthy" really mean? For most, it means physically feeling better. But we all know that mind, body, and spirit are deeply interconnected. And I know that in order for me to stop physically feeling terrible, there are certain things I need to do- the first of which is receive nourishment.

Nourishment has developed a strong meaning for me over the last few days. It means rest; it means proper nutrition; it means listening to my body; it means slowing down; it means letting my Guitar shower me with hugs and kisses.

Right now, nourishment is critical. Every moment I chose to over-exert my body, I know I've denied myself nourishment. Every time I eat something that does not soothe my soul, I know I will feel the side-effects. Every time I isolate myself, or push away the emotional support I so desperately need right now, the anxiety zaps any and all reserves of nourishment I may built up in the short time I've been in Brazil.

Nourishment needs to be consistent; I need to consistently feed my mind, body, and spirit with the gentle, loving warmth I have been denying it for years. That is how I am going to meet my goal- that is how I am going to heal.

So for me, nourishment means warmth: warm foods; warm clothes; warm sun; warm, slow, gentle yoga; warm people; and the warmth of my Guitar's embrace. Denying myself nourishment means: cold people; isolation; cold temperatures; rough, vigorous exercise; and cold energy from unloving people I have surrounded myself with over this past year.

Warm Soup

What does nourishment mean to you? Are you nourished on all levels of your being- mind, body, and spirit? How will you allow nourishment into your life today?

-The Butterfly

Presence: I am here

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:29:00 +0000

"When you surrender to what is and become so fully present, the past ceases to have any power. The realm of Being, which had been obscured by the mind, then opens up. Suddenly, a great stillness arises within you, an unfathomable sense of peace. And within that peace there is great joy. And within that joy there is love. And at the innermost core there is the sacred, the immeasurable, That which cannot be named." – Eckhart Tolle

With my Ipod on shuffle, I slowly make my descent down the stone staircase built into the side of the mountain. As I approach the last step, I mumble under my breath in frustration: Why am I having such a hard time adjusting to life in Brazil?

As I arrive at the entrance to the retreat center, my Ipod goes silent. Annoyed, I look down to make sure it’s still working- and then, I hear this…

I continue to walk. I’ve never heard this song before.

I look over to my left and notice a trail that’s been calling me to walk down it since I arrived in Brazil: today is the day.

As I turn onto the trail, the music suddenly gets louder; a warm breeze hits my body; and my eyes lock on a gorgeous tree in front of me.

I can’t move. I become mesmerized by a tiny pink flower- the only pink flower- on one of the tree's branches. The music vibrates throughout my entire being. My shoulders begin to relax as though the breeze is pushing a year's worth of stress out of my body. I feel my face soften. I drop my camera as my fists unclench. Three words pop into my head:

I am here.

I let out a huge sigh, and tears begin to flow down my face. I feel completely present in this moment. Peace enters my body as my mind visualizes letting go of all the negativity and drama that has been consuming me for the last 12 months: my divorce, leaving my job, the lack of support from my family, the loneliness…

I am here.

I want to stay in this moment forever- with the breeze caressing my face, with the wise old tree supporting me, with the sounds of the beautiful chanting ringing in my ears.

My mind fights to stay present, but I feel it slip away as quickly as it arrived. I slowly start to walk down the trail; there is a new energy running through my body. I feel more alive- more present- than ever before in my life. It’s been weeks, but I finally feel like I am really in Brazil; I finally feel like I can cope with all of the negativity occurring back home.

My Ipod remains on shuffle, and a chapter from Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth” is the next track to ring through my headphones. He begins to talk about the awakening that can occur when we are fully present and open to life.

Each step down the trail is full of excitement, as though I am a child walking in a forest for the first time. I become mesmerized by thousands of ants marching back and forth in a huge line, carrying leaves to some unknown destination. I stare in awe at two horses off in the distance; they feel my presence and begin to stare back. Then they walk towards me. I inhale deeply, taken aback by their beauty.

Butterflies dance around me with each step that I take, as though guiding me on my journey. I round a corner and see an entire bush full of butterflies; my jaw drops. Once again, I am mesmerized.

On my walk back up the trail, another chapter by Eckhart Tolle rings through my headphones. As I once again approach the mystical tree, he begins to talk about the power of nature, and how flowers, birds, and crystals are common symbols in spirituality.

I am blown away by the synchronicity.

Presence.

As I walk up the side of the mountain towards my apartment, I decide to take a detour to the retreat center’s Buddhist Temple. I sit in a chair in front of the temple for a few moments. I close my eyes and let the warmth of the sun’s rays fill my body with fresh energy; as I open them, I see a magnificent blue bird fly between two huge trees off in the distance. A smile spreads across my face.

I am here.

With that, 5 more large blue birds fly back and forth in front of me, dancing between the treetops.

I let out a sigh.

I am here.

After a few minutes, I walk back up to my apartment. I sit down at my desk and try to contemplate what has just happened, but my mind is blank. A deep, inner peace consumes me, and all I can think about are those 3 short words:

I am here.

Are you present in your life? Have you had a moment of awakening? Do you take the time to slow down and feel the energy surrounding you?

Are you here?

-The Butterfly

Cheating hearts: Is love enough?

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 11:36:00 +0000

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."

-Ann Landers

As I opened my computer last night, I was greeted by an email from an old friend. The subject line was clear:

“We need to talk.”

My heart sunk.

Since I’ve been in Brazil, my inbox has been flooded with “What happened?” and “Call your mother” emails. Now what…

As I opened the email, her “need” became clear: “He cheated on me. I don’t know what to do.”

My stomach twisted as I read her thoughts about the situation: “There were events that led up to this,” “I understand why he did it.” I could see her low self-worth seeping through her words.

I decided to close my email and respond to her in the morning, when my mind is more clear.

As I opened my computer this morning, I was greeted by a news update with the headline: “Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: More mystery, allegations, silence”

We all know the story: famous young actor accused of cheating on his older, successful, beautiful wife with younger, 23-year old he met at a party.

As I reread the headline, once again- my heart sunk.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore

Not being one to judge, I tried to view the situation between Demi and Ashton objectively. Clearly, they don’t need each other: both of them are beautiful, wealthy, and widely successful. If allegations about cheating were true, why would Demi stay with him? Could love really be enough to pull these two through this supposed affair?

Of course there is always more to these situations than meets the eye, but I thought it was an interesting contrast to the situation with my friend. My friend and her boyfriend struggle to make ends meet, they are average looking people, and she supports the two of them and his son. Yet apparently, my friend and Demi were both subject to the same devastation in their relationships: cheating partners.

All of this hits close to home; as I read my friends words about understanding the events leading up to the situation, I cringe. I see myself months before I was engaged to my (now ex-) husband, justifying why he was involved in a 6-month relationship with another woman he met at work. As I read the allegations about Demi and Ashton, I see myself a year ago trying to sort through a broken marriage due to a husband’s inability to be loyal to his wife.

Infidelity clearly knows no boundaries; rich, poor, attractive, unattractive, famous, average… Anybody can fall victim to the cheating partner. Nobody is immune.

So what does it all mean? Are long-term relationships futile? Am I disillusioned to think that this time, with my Sweet Guitar, things could be different? Is it really as simple as Ann Landers states: "If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife?" If we avoid those "men" (or women), do we have a better chance at having a successful long-term relationship?

Is love really enough to pull relationships through these situations where betrayal and infidelity occur, or is the fact that these very aspects exist a sign that love is not even involved?

-The Butterfly

Who can you rely on?

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 13:51:00 +0000

"Rely on no one and you'll never be disappointed." - Unknown

"I just feel completely alone down here- like I have nobody I can rely on."

Without saying a word, I know my Guitar is offended. This is a man that has spent countless hours on email and Skype helping to make my transition to life in Brazil as smooth as possible.

I attempt to reassure him: "Babe, I'm not referring to you..."

Alone

My Guitar doesn't say a word. He waits for me to elaborate.

"It's just that... when I got married, I thought I would always have a husband to rely on. Before that, I thought I could always rely on my family. But now, they are all gone..."

I don't need to explain any further; my Guitar gets it and is quick to respond.

"But don't you see it's all an illusion- that you could never really rely on them for anything beyond superficial comforts?"

I let out a deep sigh.

"Dear Butterfly... don't you see that in life we can't really rely on anybody but ourselves."

His words pierce my heart like a knife as I struggle to wrap my mind around the magnitude of what he is telling me. After a few moments in silence, I finally speak: "So, to rely on somebody is to allow ourselves to become completely vulnerable. It is a false sense of security."

"Absolutely."

After I hung up the phone with my Guitar, my mind would not stop dancing around this concept of reliability. The truth is that I have moments when I feel extremely lonely down here in Brazil. I notice that in those moments I immediately want to reach out to one of my family members, or to my ex-husband.

I have only spoken to my ex-husband twice since I arrived in Brazil a month ago. I have only received a few emails from my mother and father. My siblings are all in their own worlds and extremely inconsistent with communication. But every time I hear from any of them- my ex-husband, my mother, my father, my siblings- even though there is a huge amount of dysfunction surrounding the interaction, I still feel a deep sense of comfort from the exchange.

But then there is my Guitar; in reality, he has been the most reliable person I've ever known in my entire life. The fear that exists is that he is just a man in my life. We aren't married. We aren't blood related. We aren't connected in any official way. We are purely in each other's lives by choice.

...and as you know... that choice has not always been easy...

Rely on Yourself

I am coming to terms with the fact that everything I thought about reliability is a sham. Just because I have family members doesn't mean I can rely on them. Just because I had a husband didn't mean I could rely on him.

Letting go of these beliefs makes me feel extremely vulnerable to being alone... to being stranded and lost...

Who can I call if I cannot call my family? Who can help me if my husband can't be reached?

Is it really realistic to think that an unattached man (my Guitar) would make the choice to be a person I can rely on- even amidst all the many ups and downs we go through as human beings on this scary journey through life?

Or am I missing the point? Is the point really that we can't rely on anybody but ourselves?

What do you think? Are you a reliable person? Do you have people you can rely on in your life? Or should we really "rely on no one," and avoid the risk of disappointment all together?

-The Butterfly

Listening to Life's Warning Signs

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 09:38:00 +0000

“One timely cry of warning can save nine of surprises.”

-Joshua Thompson

As I roll over and look at my watch, I can’t help but to be angry:

2 a.m.

Why are they barking so much?

I pull my pillow over my head as I continue to listen to 4 dogs jumping around on the floor above my apartment.

After an hour of their barking and excitement, I throw off my sheets in anger.

“Why aren’t the owners doing something? There is obviously something going on outside!”

In that moment, I realized how complacent the owners had become; in their words, they have 4 dogs guarding their secluded home in the mountains “for protection from wild animals and random humans that don’t belong.” Well, what good is their "alarm system" if they ignore it in the middle of the night when it’s been going off for an hour straight?

As I laid in bad contemplating the owner’s non-responsiveness to their “early warning system,” I started to think about my own life. Many times, I am just as guilty for ignoring the “early warning systems” that the Universe conveniently provides.

For example, since I arrived in Brazil I’ve been having issues with my ankle. The injury occurred during a run before I left. Normally, (and while I was home) I would “ignore the warning signs” and run through the pain. But since I’ve been down here, I decided to actually listen to the warnings and take some time off from running. Having done this has been a blessing in disguise; I now take long walks on my lunch break and have been able to slow down enough to enjoy the scenery around me; I now wake up to a gentle morning yoga practice, rather than the repition of a cold elliptical machine or the pounding on the hard pavement.

Life was giving me a warning: Slow Down.

And for the first time, I listened.

Life gives all sorts of “warning signs:” physical pain in our body, anxiety, sadness… and even barking dogs at 2 a.m.

But the question becomes: Do we listen?

Life can only show us the doorway- we have to choose to walk through it.

What warning signs are life giving you today? Are you listening, or are you choosing to ignore them? Could "one timely cry of warning" possibly save "nine surprise?" What would happen if you actually got up and thanked those barking dogs at 2 a.m.... if you actually nurtured that sore ankle…? What would change?

-The Butterfly

It's Amazing How Easy It Is

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:16:00 +0000

To lose track of our own self-awareness.
To focus on what we perceive to be lacking.
To dwell on the past though we have no access to it.
To obsess over a future that exists only in our minds.
To feel rejection when really it was never anything personal.
To fear loneliness when we are actually completely surrounded.
To seem out of control when really we are just out of alignment.
To become distracted my mediocrity in the face of our own inner splendor.
To insist that we are lost even with the searchlights of the world shining in our faces.
To forget our appreciation for what we already have.
To allow the walls to be our comfort instead of the hand reaching out to us on the other side.
To neglect to acknowledge our own existence every day.
To condemn others who do the same.

And isn't it amazing how hard it can seem sometimes,
To look in the mirror and tell yourself
That it's all gonna be ok.

But when you do.....
The whole room spins and the lights get brighter
The warrior within awakes and your spirits get lighter
The strength within melts fear like a wax plug in a rafter
And the child inside you starts shaking with laughter.

The fire pours through you like water through earth.
Carving its way through your length and your girth,
The words that come out are most likely the truth.
And if you listen to them they bear the sweetest red fruit.

The crown on your head points your eye towards a place
Of unwavering love and untouchable grace.
A place warm and tender but with one special twist:
Its powerful force is stronger than a fist.

This place that I speak of plays a very unique part.
It's been known to write music and paint works of art.
It pains when rejected and cries when its mocked,
I am of course speaking of the human heart.

So next time you freeze in contempt of yourself,
Just remember these words for the sake of your health,
Your dishonest eyes will just lead you astray
But your heart in the mirror burns doubt and fear away.

-The Guitar

Time: make every hour count

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 11:27:00 +0000

“Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.” –Unknown

Time Flies

I look at my watch 5 times to make sure I am reading it correctly. I place it back on my desk for a moment before picking it up one more time, just to make sure I’m not going crazy.

Nope. It says 6 am.

I look back at my computer clock: Exactly 1 hour ahead. How is that possible?

Having downloaded several software updates onto my computer last night, I decide that the time zone setting got messed up.

I’ll fix it when I am done with my yoga.

An hour and a half later, I am still not convinced about my software update theory. So I do a quick Google search: “Local time in Brazil.”

"8:30 am"

What?

Completely confused, I decide to contemplate the situation over some breakfast. I walk into the kitchen and look up at the clock: "8:30 am"

Seriously?

I turn around and go back to my room. I look at my watch. I look at my computer. Then, it hits me.

“Spring ahead, Fall behind.”

Wait… but it’s Fall… and we sprung ahead… we didn’t “Fall behind?”

I do another Google search: “Time changes in Brazil.”

Search results: "+1 Hour on October 16^th"

Then, it suddenly all makes sense: I am in the Southern Hemisphere.

...And just like that, I lost an hour.

...And just like that, there is now a 2-hour time difference between my Sweet Guitar and I.

Earth, Time Zones

Having lost an unexpected hour of my day has me thinking about how I spend my time. Before I came to Brazil, I was grateful for any time change that would bring me closer to the next day. My daily schedule was insane: Wake up at 4 am. Exercise. Drive 45 minutes to work in traffic. Work all day. Drive 45 minutes home in traffic. Eat dinner. Talk to my Guitar. Write a blog entry. Go to bed by 10 pm.

But I no longer go to the gym to exercise. I no longer commute. I no longer have a full time job.

Yet losing an hour of my time in Brazil seems more devastating than any loss of time ever was back in New York.

It means one less hour of exploring the mountainside; one less hour reading; one less hour of yoga; one less hour of writing; one less hour of cooking.

It means one less hour of living.

Do you value your time? How would you feel if you unexpectedly lost an hour of your day? Would you be grateful, or would you wish you had gained an hour instead?

Do you count every hour in the day, or do you make every hour in the day count?

-The Butterfly

Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Relationship Killer

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 11:44:00 +0000

“Passive-aggressive behaviors destroy relationships. Whining, complaining, blaming and deflecting responsibility for every problem that arises exasperates others. Relationships require people to take ownership over their own actions and life, so that all members can deal with each other on equal ground.” –J. Neal

“My mother stopped by?”

It’s the first time I am speaking with my ex-husband since I left for Brazil.

“What did she say?”

My husband took a deep breath before responding; “She says she harbors no bad feelings towards me, and that she is here for me if I need anything…”

I sit in disbelief as he continues.

“She also said that she thinks you are crazy, and that you made a mistake going down to Brazil.”

Wine

“I walked in on your mother and brother talking about me. They think I have a drinking problem because I have one glass of wine a day.”

Even over the fuzzy Internet connection, I can tell that my Guitar is distraught.

What my Guitar doesn’t know is that my brother already wrote to me about the situation:

“Mom doesn’t think your Guitar is good for you. She thinks he can’t support you, and that he has an alcohol issue. Oh, and she claims the reason she hasn't written to you is because she doesn’t have your email address.”

By the time I climbed into bed last night, the days conversations finally set in:

My mother doesn’t have a problem with my ACTUAL alcoholic, verbally abusive, cheating ex-husband- but she has a problem with my CHEF boyfriend who likes a glass of red wine with his dinner?

For a few moments, I was extremely angry. I quickly re-centered myself and came to this conclusion:

She is being so passive aggressive!

Passive Aggressive

Passive aggressive behaviors hit below the belt; they definitely “destroy relationships.” Since I arrived in Brazil, I have heard from several different people about the “whining, complaining, blaming, and deflecting” that my mother has been doing; rather than contact me directly about her issues, she feels the need to “exasperate others.”

How do you handle passive aggressive behavior? Do you engage in these types of behaviors, or do you take ownership over your own actions?

Do passive aggressive behaviors “destroy relationships,” or is there something else going on?

-The Butterfly

Eyes: the mirror of the soul

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:23:00 +0000

“The eyes are the mirror of the soul.” –Yiddish Proverb

As I waited for my luggage at the airport in Rio de Janeiro, I began to look around; not a single person spoke English. My mind wanted to panic, telling me things like “You’re all alone!” and “You idiot- you should have learned Portuguese!”

But as I watched the people around me more closely, I began to notice something: Brazilians have the friendliest eyes!

Brazilian Eyes

Even though I didn’t speak a word of Portuguese, I suddenly felt more relaxed in this foreign country than I normally do back in New York!

A few hours later, when I arrived at the retreat center where I will be staying for the next three months, the female owner greeted me and my theory was once again confirmed. I remember the day I met her; it was while she was leading a yoga teacher training in Massachusetts a few years ago. I was upset about something going on with my ex-husband.

“Come… here… sit with me,” she softly whispered as she reached out her hand in a gesture welcoming me to sit on her yoga mat.

As I sat in front of her and looked into her eyes, a sense of calm poured over me; I felt as though I had entered some special, protected space made only out of pure love. As I looked into her eyes, it felt like she was speaking from the depths of her heart.

These were the same eyes that surrounded me at the airport. Even though I couldn’t speak a word of Portuguese, I knew the people around me were happy; I knew I was safe.

I love the people in Brazil.

It is said that, “eyes are the mirror of the soul.” When I think about my sweet Guitar, I know this to be true. His eyes have a depth to them that quickly help you understand that he is truly a wise, old soul.

When I look into my parent’s eyes, all I see is sadness; and when I look into the eyes of my ex-husband, I see a lost soul.

G.K. Chesterton says, “There is a road from the eyes to the heart that does not go through the intellect.” The people I have surrounded myself with in Brazil have young, vibrant hearts that speak the language of love through eye contact. I am starting to realize that most of the people in my life back home don’t know how to speak from their heart; their eyes are dark and sad, and their words come from the mind- not the heart.

Eyes

It doesn’t matter what language you speak- when the heart is open, the eyes speak the Universal language of love.

What language do your eyes speak? Are you surrounded by people that have loving, vibrant eyes, or are they dark and sad instead?

Do you believe that eyes truly are “the mirror of the soul?”

-The Butterfly

What is "home?"

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 11:23:00 +0000

"There's no place like home." - Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

“I don’t know if I want to be here anymore.”

My Guitar didn’t react; he held the space for me to vent and responded with what would seem to be a simple question: “Where do you want to be?”

My mind went blank. One would safely assume that if I don’t “want to be here anymore,” that I probably have the place that I do want to be clearly mapped out in my head.

But as I pondered his question, I finally realized that the answer was simple: “Nowhere.”

After a few deep breaths, my Guitar responded: “Do you realize how profound that is?”

I didn’t at the time, but as he explained his rationale I began to understand that my Guitar is correct.

“When you feel terrible about where you are, but can’t think of any place else you’d rather be, you begin to realize that the only answer is to look within.”

What I also began to realize is that I’ve really shed myself of all comforts. No place feels like “home” anymore. In fact, I am not even sure I know what “home” is at this point. The only place I feel comfortable is in my Guitar’s arms.

As my journey in Brazil progresses, certain realities about my family and ex-husband have started to set it. But the biggest “reality” that I am struggling to come to terms with is this loss of a sense of “home.” It is “reality” that I have no car, house, job, family or even cats to go “home” to once my time in Brazil is over. In fact, my Guitar is spending the next 3 weeks selling everything I own to help fund his plane ticket to join me down here.

I can't just click the heels of my red shoes together and transport back to my "home," because if being in Brazil has taught me one thing, it is this: when you don’t feel at “home” within, you don’t feel at “home” anywhere.

So for the next 20 days, until my Guitar arrives in Brazil, I will continue to look within; I will continue to walk around the barriers surrounding my internal “home.” If I look hard enough, I am sure a window or door was left unlocked somewhere; once I find it, I will enter and create my own, welcoming, “home” for his arrival.

What is “home” to you? Who lives there? Is your physical “home” a reflection of your inner “home?”

Is there really “No place like home?”

-The Butterfly

Nature is our guide

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 11:29:00 +0000

“I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.” -Henry David Thoreau

I hear the wind moving the trees surrounding my room. Unfamiliar birds are singing their morning songs off in the distance. As I roll over, I begin to open my eyes. The room is bright, lit by the morning sun.

After taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and let out a long sigh; as they reopen, I see the sun rising over the mountaintops in the distance.

Sunrise in Brazil

I am so grateful to be here.

A smile spreads across my face.

It’s been a long time since I felt this way…

I take out my journal and begin to write. Within a few moments, an entire list of affirmations fills the left page.

“I am open to the beauty of life.”

“Life is magical.”

“I am blessed by nature’s abundance.”

“I am grateful for life.”

“I am exactly where I am supposed to be.”

On and on, my heart continues to sing.

I slowly get out of bed and grab my yoga mat. As I sit in meditation, my mind quickly forgets the joy it has just witnessed and begins to wander through the highlights of the last year.

Divorce. Betrayal. Fear. Sadness. Disappointment. Loss. Anger. Depression.

In an effort to refocus my energy, I open my eyes in hopes of seeing the beautiful sun still rising over the mountains. But instead, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of one of the window curtains.

Is that really a... butterfly??

Butterfly Curtain Shadow

I rub my eyes to make sure I am seeing clearly. Sure enough, the shadow on my curtain is of a beautiful butterfly. The smile comes back to my face as I sit in disbelief.

Nature is talking to me. “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.”

Since I arrived in Brazil, I have confirmed that distance does not heal wounds. Threats to our emotional health travel across time and space- and absolutely across continents.

But every time I ask the Universe for guidance, she delivers. Whether it is a beautiful sunrise, a blossoming flower, or the shadow of a butterfly on my bedroom curtain, there is always something there to remind me that I am ok.

Every day since I've gotten here I have gone for a walk, and every day I've seen at least one butterfly on that walk.

Do you believe that nature speaks to us- that it can serve as a guide? Do you believe that the world gives us signs when we are on the right track- when we are truly follwing our heart and living our truth?

How has life spoken to you?

-The Butterfly

Spiritual Warrior: a willingness to piss people off

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 12:01:00 +0000

“In order to take up the path of the Buddha, of warrior-like discipline and striving, we must turn inward.” –Justin Whitaker

“Your parents just told me that they think you are childish and crazy. They think going to Brazil was extremely selfish. They say you have a lot of work to do if you want to repair some of your close relationships.”

As soon as my Guitar finished, I knew why he was hesitant to fill me in on the latest news at home.

“Honey, you don’t need this energy in your life. You need to step away from all of this for a while. You have bigger things to do in this world.”

I knew he was right, but I also knew that I needed to know the truth if I want to establish healthy boundaries with my family.

Before we said goodnight, my Guitar reminded me of a speech we recently heard by Iyanla Vanzant. “Remember what she said: you need to be a spiritual warrior. Don’t react, respond.”

While I knew he was right, I was restless all night. When I woke up in the morning, I felt completely off-balance. The peaceful energy I had maintained for the first few days in Brazil was suddenly nowhere to be found.

Even though I was frustrated, I pushed myself to get on my yoga mat. As soon as I sat down, I began my typical sequence of mediation and stretching. But it wasn’t long before I realized my mind was drifting.

This is not yoga. What do I need right now?

I took a deep breath and stood up.

I need to move. I need to breathe.

I began doing a few rounds of sun salutations. It wasn’t long before my body naturally gravitated into the Warrior series. As I held warrior II, I closed my eyes.

Warrior II

Settle in. Breathe.

My body began to tremble.

You are a spiritual warrior. Respond, don’t react.

With each passing minute, I could feel the support of my inner strength; I could feel the support of my breath.

I can do this…

As I slowly moved out of the pose, I placed my hands in Anjali Mudra. A deep sense of peace settled into my shoulders as they relaxed down my back. Feeling the ground beneath my body, a deep sense of grounding filled my body.

Anjali Mudra

In that moment, I remembered that I could no longer respond to every negative thought and emotion that is thrown in my direction. I also realized that there are growing pains when it comes to spiritual growth. The words of Iyanla Vanzant screamed in my mind: “To be a spiritual warrior, you must be willing to piss people off!”

She is right. And I am ready.

I must look inward. I must become a spiritual warrior. I must respond, not react.

I must piss some people off... Even if they are my parents.

Are you a spiritual warrior? Are you willing to look inward? Are you willing to respond, not react?

Are you willing to piss people off?

-The Butterfly

Cassandra's Angel: Gina Otto and her quest for self-esteem.

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 15:15:00 +0000

Good morning people! I was sitting with a big bowl of oatmeal today when I heard something come from the television that resonated with me (which is a rare occurrence). It was a story on Good Day New York that was being run on the author and speaker Gina Otto, who has made her debut as a children's book writer with her book Cassandra's Angel.

According to Otto, "Cassandra's Angel is about the stories we are given by the people in our lives about who they think we are.... and then dropping those stories so that we can become who we came here to be..." As you can all imagine, this mission is close to our hearts as well.

***

Throughout our childhood, we were told different things about who we were supposed to be, how we were supposed to act, and how to recognize the structures of hierarchy as "to know our place." But at some point we decided that this wasn't the way we wanted to live. Luckily I had the foresight to make decisions to remove myself from those structures at a younger age than most. The Butterfly, my partner, has been battling her way out of them for the past year.

In the quest for self-esteem, it is becoming apparent that the seeds for change are being planted at younger and younger ages. Therefore, Ms. Otto's mission to bring that sense of self-worth and healthy independence to young children, especially young girls, is an encouraging sign that the newer generations will have a better chance at radical self-acceptance and self-actualization than any other generation before. Gina Otto is helping little caterpillars become beautiful Butterflies!

Gina Otto gets The Butterfly & The Guitar Stamp Of Approval!
Check out her blog here!

When did you decide to start claiming your self-worth? Are you still struggling with the choice to put your well-being before the well being of societal expectations?

-The Guitar

Barriers to Love

noreply@blogger.com (The Butterfly and The Guitar) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 10:43:00 +0000

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi

Moonlight

It’s 8 pm and I am exhausted. Light from the moon streams through the large windows in what is now my bedroom for the next 3 months; it provides just enough light to see the brick walls surrounding my tiny wooden bed. I close my eyes and begin to focus on my breath. I hear the waterfalls off in the distance.

As I exhale, I let out a deep sigh. I made it. I am here- in Brazil.

For a moment, my mind wants to panic. Where is my Guitar? I am alone…

But the day’s events have been too powerful. I have finally surrendered. I am finally free. The words that pop into my mind are loud and clear:

I am at peace. This was the right decision.

As I begin to drift off to sleep, I hear a gentle voice outside my window; a married couple owns the retreat center I am volunteering at, and the wife has just arrived home from a 6-week journey.

For a moment, my mind wants to panic. What do I do? Do I get out of bed? I want to sleep…

But then I remember the mantra I wrote in my journal less than 30 minutes prior:

“I am open to the healing power of love.”

As I close my eyes, I hear the voice of my Guitar sending me off at the airport: “Promise me that you will be open to the love people want to give. You are staying with amazing people. They love you. Be open to receiving that love- you need to heal.”

After a few deep breathes, I know what I have to do; I force myself out of bed, freshen up, and walk into the kitchen. The moment my bedroom door closes behind me, I am greeted with a warm hug and multiple kisses: “Oh!! Welcome to Brazil. How was your flight? I am so happy you are here to stay with us.”

My body relaxes into her embrace. As I look into her eyes, I can almost feel my heart breaking open, as though her love has penetrated a wall that has hardened and thickened over the last few decades of my life.

I close my eyes and remember my Guitar. I can hear him whispering into my ear, “You are safe.”

Tears begin to form behind my eyelids. I release the hug and say goodnight. As I crawl back into bed, I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

So this is what it feels like to let love in…

Over the last year, my sweet Guitar has worked tirelessly to break through the barriers that I have built against love. These barriers have names: fear, anger, loneliness, regret, guilt, shame, and sadness.

My Guitar’s efforts were not in vain; I am learning. Over the last month, I made the conscious decision to let him fully into my heart. However, I haven’t felt safe enough to fully let others in… until now.

I feel exposed. I feel vulnerable. And my mind still likes to chime in every once in a while with things like, “Why did you say that?” and “You’re such an idiot.” But this trip down to Brazil has empowered me. The results of this last year have empowered me.

I know that I can do it: I can make changes. I also know that I am worth it.

The barriers that I have built against love are all encased in an ugly shell called “low self-esteem.”

What barriers have you built against love? How can you empower yourself to know that you are worth it?

-The Butterfly