Since The Calm Space commenced in August 2007 we’ve had 29 Spaces, 20 regular contributors, untold special guest contributors, 650 posts and thousands of comments!

I have appreciated every post, every writer, every guest, and every single comment. I’ve been filled with hope and at times overwhelmed with the love and beauty that flows through this simple online space.

Each contributor, each guest, and most importantly each reader – especially you – are precious to me. For without you, there would be no Calm Space.

And you may have guessed that my words are leading up to an announcement.

They are.

When enthusiasm wanes, it can become easy to keep going simply because you don’t want to hurt feelings or let anyone down. Especially those who have been our champions over the past four and a half years.

But there comes a time when it is kinder to call timeout than to continue without enthusiasm.

There comes a time when we need to seek our own serenity and rekindle the fire once more.

And so it is with mixed feelings of gratitude, sadness, and a sense of hope, that I am putting The Calm Space into a holding pattern for 6 months.

All the content will remain, but no new content will be published between now and October 2012.

If you’re on our mailing list, you’ll be given options in the next few days :)

In addition, I know each of our magnificent writers will warmly welcome you at their place – you can find links to their sites on the About Us page, and also at the bottom of each of their (more recent) posts. Let them know where you found them!

Before I sign off, I’d like to give a huge shout-out to our regular contributors from inception to now. Thank you Chris, Angela, Annie, Anne, Vitania, Carla, Linda, Leah, Marc, Grant, Joanna, Joanne, Bo, Janice, Marjorie, Miki, Dee, Amy, and Joanne. I have treasured every single one of your posts, your support, your encouragement, and your patience :)

In the meantime, you will find me exploring more about the value of filling your well, trusting your own voice, and transforming your life into one of lusciousness and love at KarenWallace.com

See you in October.

From my heart to yours with love, Káren xx

 Image Credit: Louise Docker

We very much want to do what’s right for, and do right by, our kids. We want them to know that they are loved, and we want to be firm in our expectation that they know right from wrong. We want them to know that they can talk to us about anything, and we don’t want to have to listen to every little whine or referee every little skirmish over who gets to play with the Buzz Lightyear phone. We want them to be independent thinkers, and we want them to know how and when to ask for help.

And on top of the conflicts we feel within ourselves, we’re also trying to negotiate the conflicting advice of all those parenting “experts” out there, telling us what they think we should do about sleeping, eating, pooping, crying, time outs, exercise, television, school.

There’s a silent but powerful expectation that in order to be good parents, not only do we need to pick a side on these issues (and strictly defend it against other moms who have different experiences/opinions), we must also Get. It. Right.

All. The. Time.

This motherhood thing is work. Hard work. And though we receive zero training, we are expected to be instant experts as soon as our little one is born.

It’s no wonder then, that many of us feel our confidence worn down by these noisy expectations.

This is something I’ve struggled with myself.

Blessed with a very, shall we say, spirited little one, we tried a variety of behavior systems to help her channel her energy in positive ways—counting to three, timed time outs, untimed time outs, no time outs at all with lots of hugs instead. We tried rewarding, limiting, consequences and explaining.

We’d have brief successes (or not), but nothing really worked and, though it’s hard to admit, things were getting out of control.

But it wasn’t the kiddo’s fault, it was mine.

I couldn’t stick with any program because I wasn’t sure it was the right one. Because I wasn’t confident in what I was doing, I couldn’t follow through. And I wanted to run away and hide.

No wonder things were getting hairy. We knew something needed to change.

So we listened to our guts.

Rather than trying a bunch of pieces of a bunch of programs we hoped would work, but didn’t really believe in, we did some research (which is ok, there are times when our deep wisdom says there’s something we need to learn), we chose a program that matched our values. And we committed to it 100%.

I had to trust that we’d made the right decision. I had to trust that I had what it took to follow through with it.

And, though I don’t want to jinx it, things have changed. There is understanding. There is learning. There is softness. There is peace.

Are they always perfect angels? No.

Are there times when it’s been tough for me to stick to stick with it when the kids didn’t like what was going down? Yes.

But now I have a plan. I know what to do. And I believe that what we’re doing is right for our family. I no longer want to hide.

And as I follow through over and over again, my confidence deepens. I know I can handle this challenge today, because I’ve handled that one, and that one, and that one.

And that’s really what confidence is, no?

Listening to that voice inside you. Trusting that you will follow through.

Image: (c) Miki DeVivo

About our Mothering Space Writer

Longing to hear the call of your own inner voice? Miki DeVivo guides moms to the still space within themselves where this voice resides.

On Leap Day, 2/29, she is hosting a safe, welcoming, no-cost call to help you unearth and give voice to your own motherhood story. Click here for more information and to register for the call.

Your voice matters.

The confidence required to face hundreds, maybe even thousands of onlookers, hanging onto every sound uttered from your mouth, scrutinising every move you make – to me it is mind-boggling to imagine having even an ounce of the confidence required to perform in front of a large crowd.

Giving the matter some deeper thought, however, I realise that the performing begins for us all, and requires huge doses of confidence, from a very early age.

The small child takes their first tottering steps, independently of gripping hold of the coffee table, once they have gained enough confidence to do so. And watching closely is the child’s doting family, scrutinising every move this precious little bundle makes, with camera in hand, or perhaps even a video recorder, ready to immortalise this magical moment in this child’s “stage of life”, albeit a smaller stage than the professional actor may use.

But does true confidence involve any stage performance at all? I don’t believe it does, for true confidence stems from within.

Rather than being an occasional public performance, true confidence is more of a subtle, daily event.

If there are days when you feel your confidence may be lacking, you might like to give yourself the opportunity to shine like the brightest star, by trying a few of these simple ideas.

Believe that you are beautiful. The reflection in the mirror isn’t the important factor here. It’s your soul that counts, the inner being that makes you who you are. Believe in you!

Don’t allow unwarranted criticism to bring you down. Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life, there are those who feel so insecure in their own lives, they hate to see anyone else succeed. Don’t listen! Perhaps a kind word to these people, rather than retaliating, will bring about a positive change in their lives.

Don’t bring people down with harsh, unnecessary words. You don’t appreciate criticism yourself, right? The world is big enough for everyone to sparkle and shine, without the need to reduce another’s shining light.

Realise that nobody is perfect! Yes, that’s right, even the friend who appears to have it all has insecurities of their own and they would appreciate a compliment from a friend. Be that friend.

Smile! Even a stranger appreciates a smile. I’ve lost count over the years of how many conversations I’ve had with strangers, whilst standing in line at the supermarket! A smile can break down so many barriers.

It may surprise you when you realise how much confidence you have gained, simply by taking yourself away from your own introverted thoughts and beginning to show interest in others by reaching out a hand in friendship. :)

About our Freedom Space Writer

Choosing to live with her eyes wide open, Joanne Keevers has formed the habit of finding inspiration in the simplest aspects of everyday life. She shares her “Everyday Inspirations” at Home Life Online and more recently has begun to ponder the fact that there is more to this life than meets the eye at A Sense of Spirit.

One day I would like to meet this thing that everyone is talking about. It’s called Confidence. We’re not acquainted yet and I admit that I’m a little curious.

Will it be shiny or will it be subtle?

Will it be loud or will it be gentle?

Will it be noticeable or just a soft hum in the background.

How will I know it’s the real thing when we finally meet?

I sat down to write about this month’s topic and hit a wall. I’ve stewed over the topic, started many articles and discarded them all. I felt like a fraud, much as I would if I was writing about being a super-techy whizz.

Who am I to write about confidence when I wouldn’t recognise it?  But I guess that isn’t totally true. I do recognise confidence in others. I recognise it enough to envy the possessors of that magical feeling. I wish it was something I could transplant into myself: perhaps snip a little cutting and let it take root in the soil of my wilderly soul.

Ah well…  Perhaps one day my turn will come. I like to think that there is hope for me yet.

I found this quote while I was on the trail of the elusive confidence and it made me laugh.

 “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

~ anon

You know what that means don’t you? I’m going to lump myself in with the intelligent people!

Or should I? Would that make you dislike me?

Now I’m not sure what to do…

Image credit: Crismatos

About Our Living Space Writer

Anne Maybus is creative by nature and it expresses itself in her writing.

When she’s not indulging us here, you can find Anne at Clever Streak where she helps out small business owners as they juggle the demands of their online businesses, making it easier to keep up their internet presence by taking care of their writing needs.

You can follow her on twitter @AnneMaybus

Valentine’s Day can have some unusual effects on a long-term relationship.

For those whose primary Love Language is Receiving Gifts it is a Red Letter day, or at least a Red Rose Day! For others, it may hold so little significance, it doesn’t even fly near the radar. Some, who like-to-be-sophisticated, wouldn’t be seen dead playing along with such crass commercialism. For some Long-Partnered, it’s something to be scorned as unnecessary and ridiculous! For the Hopeless Romantics of this world, it’s an opportunity to revel in abundant, shameless (sometimes slightly soppy) romance!

And all of those points of view have validity.

But really our view of Valentine’s Day will depend on the meaning we put on it. What meaning and judgment do you put to your partner’s attitude to Valentine’s Day?

If his gift is a kiss and a mumbled “Happy Valentines”, do you read that as “he doesn’t love me”?

If she sends you a plate of cupcakes to work, will you wonder what she’s been up to, or assume she’s having an affair?

If your partner doesn’t even register that the world around them is all fussed up, do you read that as not caring about your relationship?

Is your confidence in your relationship so unbalanced, that the presence/absence of a gift (or even a kiss) is going to dictate how you measure the health of that relationship? Really?

Like is said about leadership, parenting adolescents, and even politics – we need to pick our battles.

This one doesn’t even need a battle. It just needs some thinking.

One very useful guide that I use to guide me (when I’m getting all emotional and not very realistic) is that old question of “Will this matter in one, three or even twelve months time?”

So right here in the very best space, The Calm Space, let’s look at things that might help you feel confident, even proud, of your healthy relationship. Let’s find some evidence of that health:

• How often does your partner regularly and spontaneously tell you he/she loves you?
• What signs are there that your partner thinks of you during the day or while you are apart? Quick texts, phone calls, emails?
• What little gestures does your partner do so regularly now that it’s normal? Making you a cuppa, emptying the rubbish, bathing the kids, washing the dishes, cooking a meal, foot massage while you watch the TV?
• How often does your partner make time to sit and chat with you? Do you always recognise that’s what he/she is doing?
• Other than obligatory (birthday, Christmas, anniversary) gifts, what kinds of spontaneous gifts do you receive? Bottle of your favourite wine, bunch of flowers from the supermarket (or the neighbour’s garden)?
• How often does your partner praise your skills, or admit their admiration for how you behave, or even acknowledge your superiority at a particular task?
• When you share your opinions, thoughts and feelings with your partner, how  often do you feel respected, heard and valued?
• How often do you receive a hug, warm kiss, hand squeeze, meaningful look, or even an appreciative but undemanding proposition for a quickie?
• How often does your partner forgive you even when you’ve stuffed up?
• How often does your partner admit their behaviour was unacceptable after a fight and ask for forgiveness?
• How often do you recognise that he/she loves you just the way you are?

Most people who have a reasonably healthy relationship will have recognised that at least one of those questions prompts positive answers. We often get so absorbed in looking for evidence of the negative that sometimes we humans aren’t so good at noticing the positives! So, sit here for a moment longer, with your cuppa or your glass in hand. Now think about the signs (that only you might recognise) that your partner uses to tell you that you are loved.

Close your eyes for a moment and revel in that feeling. What a gift you’ve just given yourself! Savour that feeling of being cherished. It’s what people in unhealthy relationships yearn for.

PS: If this set of questions has left you feeling rocked and seriously doubting the health of your relationship (that certainly wasn’t my intention) then please talk to a professional Relationship Advisor sooner rather than later. Before it’s too late to make healthy changes part of your lives together!

Image Source: Sean McGrath

About our Relationship Space Writer

When not writing for The Calm Space, Chris Owen of Pink Apple is helping divorcees and the newly-re-coupled build their skills and confidence at Relating Better and avoiding the pain of relationship breakdown again!

While Pink Apple’s website is under reconstruction, you can test your Relationship Mojo here and receive a simple eBook Your Relationship: From Mojo to Marvellous to help you start making changes to any problem areas the Mojo Test might highlight.

If you are regurgitating what your family or your race or your religion have dictated all your life, I’m sure you feel confident on some level about your beliefs.

However, I would suggest that If you have gained your own knowledge by reading widely and talking to many other people, and have decided for yourself what constitutes your spiritual belief, you could be said to be spiritually ‘confident’ on a whole ‘nuther level.

To be spiritually confident means that you don’t feel any need whatsoever to convince other people that yours is the one and only belief. I’m picturing a quiet confidence here, not desperate arguments to sway others to your way of thinking. What does it matter what other people believe if it is not hurting you?

The spiritual journey is by its nature, a very personal one. It is not necessary for anyone else to take the trip with you. Your relationship with your God is very intimate and can’t be shared. Even though it is nice to chat with people of similar beliefs, they are never exactly the same as yours.

Confidence in any circumstance in your life comes from a quiet ‘knowing’. It is no different with spirituality. If you ‘know’ God, rather than know about God, you can be quietly confident and therefore, peaceful.

Love, peace and wisdom

Image credit: Leland

About our Spiritual Space Writer

Annie Hutton‘s life is spent in the pursuit of self development through spiritual connection, reading, speaking with like minds, meditation, courses, etc. learning as much as possible from traditional and modern wisdom – the Enneagram, chakra energies, Frederick Bailes, Lao Tzu and many more.

Annie has enormous respect for the wonderful potential of every person who, given the information and space, can find their own way by exercising their mind, heart and soul. She shares ways to find your bliss in the every day.

I’ve created a special desktop wallpaper just for you, to remember your astonishing light this month.

Download your wallpaper here: Calm Space Astonishing Light Wallpaper

 Remember your light and be confident, my love.

When you’re running on empty it can be difficult to stand tall and be confident. In fact, it can be hard to make the simplest of decisions (what’s for dinner?) when you’re in that empty place.

That’s where nourishing yourself can have a huge impact on how you feel and how your life works. Join us for Nourish You:

Walk taller, make stronger (and easier!) decisions.

Simple steps to refuel your energy and enthusiasm at a soul level!

For the month of February, because we’re talking about confidence and this is such a crucial aspect of thriving and being happy, we’re offering you a special rate on this course. I wanted to do a two-for-one offer, but the technicalities were just too confusing. So we’re giving you 50% off, and highly encourage you to bring a friend along so you can enjoy this together. The experience and value is doubled when you share.

Full details here.

Hard as it can be to realize sometimes, no matter what you think, you are good enough. With the onslaught of picture perfect images in the media and culturally defined ideas of what we “should” look like, sometimes it’s so hard to just do one of the most basic things — love ourselves. To me, loving yourself is the very first step to living a positive and present life. If you can’t love yourself, you’re going to have a hard time truly loving the world around you and enjoying the life you’re living. However, loving yourself is no easy task sometimes. It actually takes a lot of hard work, which is why I’ve come up with the top five ways you can start loving yourself right now.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. The entire world encourages us to compare, to want what others have, to want to be like others. In the post I wrote back in 2009, Stop Judging: 4 Reasons, 5 Things, 6 Ways, I talked about how much we lose when we waste time judging others and ourselves. If you truly want to love yourself, you must stop your comparisons. Focus on you and what’s great about who you are, what you have, and what you do. Don’t waste any more time comparing yourself to those around you. This is the first — and most important — step to loving yourself now.

2. Focus on your achievements — big and small. To often, we focus on the things that went wrong (or could go wrong) and not on the things we did right. We’ll dwell forever on a conversation that went poorly, but hardly think at all about a wonderful interaction with had with someone. Likewise, people are often more likely to focus on their failures than their achievements (probably as some sort of self-protection in order to avoid future failures). It’s okay to acknowledge the things that didn’t go swimmingly, but if you really want to love yourself, you have to spend most of your time thinking about what you did/said right. And, remember, even the little things deserve a pat on the back.

3. Look past the mirror to your true self. It’s all too common for people to define themselves by the way they look. Remember: you are more than what you look like. Yes, it cannot be denied that appearance is important and has some merit, but it is not everything. The way culture is set up, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Next time you look in the mirror and find yourself filled with negative thoughts, remind yourself that you are more than what you see in that reflection. Your worth is more than the way you look. Once you convince yourself of the truth in those words, it will become much easier to love your true self.

4. View yourself from another perspective. We all have the tendency from time to time to get wrapped up in our own minds. Our thoughts and ideas take over and we tend to forget that there are millions and millions of other opinions and ideas out there in the world. The next time you find that you’re giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and try to look at the situation — and yourself — objectively. You may soon realize that the way you were looking at yourself or the situation is not the way that others would. Taking a step back and looking at yourself with fresh eyes will help you to realize that you are worth more than you realize — and you are certainly deserving of your own love.

5. Make a list of all your awesome traits. Feel like you’re not quite up to par? Stop. Drop what you’re doing. Grab paper and a pen. And get to work. The activity might seem like a silly one, but, seriously, taking some time to write about how great you are will help you to realize that, no matter how you might feel about yourself sometimes, you really are pretty awesome. And if you find yourself struggling with this exercise, enlist the help of friends and family. Hearing their input about your awesomeness will make you realize that, hey, if all of those people can love you, you can certainly love yourself!

As I said, loving yourself isn’t easy. It seems like the kind of thing that should come naturally, but I think most people are filled with reasonable amount of self-doubt and, as a result, their minds fill with self-deprecating thoughts from time to time. It’s okay to struggle with self-love, but it’s not okay not to give it a really solid try. You deserve to love yourself because, no matter who you are, you are awesome. So start embracing your awesomeness and use the five tips above to start loving yourself now. There’s no time like the present to learn to love yourself!

Image credit: Daniel E Bruce AKA (Humble Light)

About Our Guest Author

Dani launched PositivelyPresent.com in 2009 when she decided to turn her life around and start focusing on the positive while living in the present moment. Positively Present focuses on living positively in the present moment, and since its launch Dani’s personal development site as grown and it continues to touch lives around the world.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living

When you stand tall and straight and look life squarely in the eye, you cannot help but feel better about yourself, and about everything else.

And then, things get better. When you’re confident (or appear so), the world meets you where you’re at.

If you’re slumped and have that ‘depressed stance’ (you know the one I mean…) then life is not going to get excited about helping you. There is a reason for the saying ‘everyone loves a winner’. We love to hang around happy, confident people, because then we feel better.

And the opposite is also true. If you want to wallow in our misery and drama, others who love to wallow will join you. But you’ll notice (if you lift your head a little) that the confident, courageous ones stepping out tall and strong aren’t wallowing with you. They’re getting on with it :)

And so, as we commence February here at The Calm Space, I am thrilled to introduce a month of Confidence. Come, smile with us – and who knows who else may smile with you!

Image Credit: Tanaka Juuyoh

When you’re running on empty it can be difficult to stand tall and be confident. In fact, it can be hard to make the simplest of decisions (what’s for dinner?) when you’re in that empty place.

That’s where nourishing yourself can have a huge impact on how you feel and how your life works. Join us for Nourish You:

Walk taller, make stronger (and easier!) decisions.

Simple steps to refuel your energy and enthusiasm at a soul level!

For the month of February, because we’re talking about confidence and this is such a crucial aspect of thriving and being happy, we’re offering you a special rate on this course. I wanted to do a two-for-one offer, but the technicalities were just too confusing. So we’re giving you 50% off, and highly encourage you to bring a friend along so you can enjoy this together. The experience and value is doubled when you share.

Full details here.

Just recently I read a quote, author unknown, which really started me thinking. Don’t you just love such moments, when a whole new chapter of your mind opens itself up to the possibilities of what was, what is, and what is to become of you?

“If you knew me in the past, please do not think that I am the same person that you are meeting today. I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed, and I am different.”

Within this quote I saw truth and reality. Yes, I really had an “ah-ha” moment!

For what I realised within these words, with such profundity, is just how much we are a part of every person we meet, the circumstances we encounter, the choices we make, the relationships we choose to hold close within our hearts.

For every rejection I have experienced, every pain, every loss of a loved one, I have moved a step closer to who I have become.

For every joyful moment, every song lyric that has moved me, every child I have given birth to, more of who I am today has developed.

For all of the friends who have entered my life throughout the years, staying with me either for a reason, a season or a lifetime, for my family, some still here, some who I have loved and lost as well as the romantic relationships I have endured (and the one I kept!), yes, they have shaped the person I have become.

The imprints of the places I have visited, the homes where I have lived and the teachers I had at school who at one time broadened my child’s mind to the possibilities of the magic present in the world, have remained embedded within my heart and soul.

And I am grateful for every single pain, loss, joy, person and place I have encountered, for without these people and things, I would not have become the person I am today.

And yes, I have changed.

My life’s journey began with a relatively blank canvas. As the years unfolded, each incident, every person and every place I have visited have painted upon my canvas with the sometimes gentle, sometimes harsh, but always meaningful brushes of colour, bringing to life the ever changing work of art, which is truly and uniquely me.

This work of art will continue, with more strokes of the brush every day adding the colours of change and growth, maturity and wisdom, sunshine and rain.

My canvas will never be completely covered with the artistry of my life. I am forever changing, becoming more each day, as I experience the emotions presented to me by those who I encounter. This work of art is infinite.

I will forever be an unfinished work of art.

And I am free to choose my reactions to the eventuations of my life, just as you are. I choose to add beautiful colours to the canvas of which I am becoming, all of my favourite tones, with a generous sprinkling of love and kindness to share with others.

As you all reflect on the echo’s of your life and who you have become, hopefully admiring the canvas of your life up until now, with expectations of continuing on the mission of becoming even more, I hope you will notice a little patch of colour that I have added to your work of art.

Image Credit: Louise Docker

About our Freedom Space Writer

Choosing to live with her eyes wide open, Joanne Keevers has formed the habit of finding inspiration in the simplest aspects of everyday life. She shares her “Everyday Inspirations” at Home Life Online and more recently has begun to ponder the fact that there is more to this life than meets the eye at A Sense of Spirit.