The Carr Ride

Just So You Know

2012-02-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote a very long blog post tonight that did not get saved or posted. It may have told you about:

Adam's molars and words.
My pregnancy, contractions and red feet.
Honduras.
Abortion.
The burn that happened about a month ago.
Contanimated water.
Jeff's coolness.

You may now never know this information. I guess I could at least put up a picture of my red feet, but that's all you're getting.

You Are So Young.

2012-01-06T13:25:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, I bought a Groupon to get my hair done and finally one Saturday in December, I was able to go.

After the makeover.

It was fun. My stylist was an Iranian woman who didn't speak English, like at all, and because of that the owner of the salon kept coming over to talk to me to make sure I wasn't lonely. Jeff and Adam were out shopping during my year-long appointment and at one point, they came in and said hello.

After they left, the owner came running over. "You have a baby? You are so young. It seems like you are much too young to have a baby." Very slowly, I reached under my smock and zipped up my hoodie, making it less obvious that I am crazy enough to have not only ONE, but TWO babies at my age. I didn't want to distress her.

My age? I'm 23, but I usually tell people I'm 24 if they ask me in reference to my child-bearing. It's only a lie until March. If they're still distressed, I tell them that I am married and college-educated and when they hear the word "college" I can visibly see them relax. I kind of want to sit the commentators down and tell them that where I come from having kids at my age is not considered a huge deal and while I am on the younger end of the spectrum, I am not necessarily on the stupid end of the spectrum.

You see, I get comments a lot. Not enough for me to write a good blog about it until now, but it happens a fair amount and is certainly increasing as my second pregnancy progresses. I wish I could find a good solid stat to back this up, but the average age of first time mothers in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley has to be about 40. That's an exaggeration, but not as much of one as you'd might think. The first time I took Adam to the public pool in Palo Alto, I thought that all the women with their babies were grandmothers. On the other hand, people often think I am Adam's nanny. Because you just don't live in Silicon Valley and not have a nanny.

I've heard so many of my friends/FB friends/acquaintances complain about the narrow-mindedness of people in Utah/Idaho/Mormon Country. I'll be honest, most of these friends are ex-Mormons or Mormons who are too cool for school. Let me be clear: they are cuckoo-crazy wrong. People are narrow-minded everywhere. There are culture bubbles every place you will go and in these pockets you will always find people who: A.) fit in and think other culture bubbles are crazy and B.) do not precisely fit in and think that the local bubble is crazy.That's why my friends who don't fit well into LDS culture feel that they are in the seventh circle of crazy and that's why I sometimes feel like I am in another (insane) world. But neither Utah nor California has a monopoly on being judgmental- people in general do.

I wish I could have this conversation with the next person who is offended that I have a baby- let's say she's a woman named Sal.

Sal: I see you have a small child. That is interesting, because you seem to be very young.
Me: Ah, yes. He is the light of my life. I am young, but not obscenely so.
Sal: But you chose to have a baby over a career?
Me: Sort of.
Sal: But really, aren't you too young to be having a family?
Me: Who knows? I don't want a career right now and I like having a family. I like being a mother.
Sal: What a novel idea!
Me: You see, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and family is an important component of our doctrine. Culturally, we often get married and start our families young.
Sal: That's interesting. I believe that a woman is not ready to have a family until she has worked for several years and left her mark on the world. Then she will have really lived life before starting a new one.
Me: That's also very interesting. I think it's a very good philosophy- but maybe not the right one for me. I believe that having kids is not taking away from my life- it IS my life and I like my life.
Sal: I respect you. You go and have more babies.
Me: I'm 22 weeks ahead of you on that one.

To prove that I'm actually a hypocrite, I have to tell you something. I was playing at the park with Adam yesterday and after about a half-hour of observing (and finally I just heard her say it several times in Spanish), I realized that who I thought was a 15 year-old girl playing with her 2 year-old sister was actually her mother. I was just as distressed and condescending as all of my commentators always are when they look at me. Maybe she looks younger than she is? Maybe she is in a loving, committed relationship and she and her partner can easily support their little girl? Or maybe she is just an absurdly young teen mom who will have a hard life- does it matter? She will continue to live that life with or without my condescension and I'm sure she'd appreciate it if I didn't stoop to becoming one more commentator on her life that will surely be full of rude comments by strangers.

There's not an easy solution to my predicament, because I am still about 10 years off the accepted age of a local mother, but I'm going to try to be more patient with the next person who tells me I'm too young to be a mother. I am not the norm here and I understand that my lifestyle can be baffling to others. I am happy and confident in my abilities to be a young mother and I will try to let that shine through in these awkward little confrontations.

And also... I think I'm going to start telling people I'm 25.

Bad Day Blues.

2011-12-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Had a bad day. Fight with Jeff over my refusal to leave on time. Progesterone shot in the bum. Facebook argument. Quite a few contractions close together. Sat and watched Adam eat half a jar of sugary puffs that have absolutely no nutritional value. By the end of it I was feeling pretty blue and I couldn't remember anything good about myself.

Do you have the ability to say good things about yourself? I think it's one of the best things you can do. C'mon- you already think them. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can admit that you're good at some things. And honestly, it's hard to do. I respect someone who can sit back and compliment themselves. I hope you do too, because I'm about to blow your mind with my self-compliments.

TEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW

I like how I make up little songs. They are not good, but I will never stop. Today's song: "Shot in the barm and womb's to blame, darling, I give pregnant a bad name."
I like my singing voice. (Unfortunately, it's usually utilized in singing the aforementioned songs.)
I like that I am such a big fan of the Muppets. I've always been. And I've always liked that about me.
I like that I am not a bad natural cook. I just don't do it that often.
I like that I know all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire." And I like that I looked up every lyric and the historical context.
I really like that I smile like the chickens in Chicken Run.
I like my writing. I used to read my writing and feel like it was somebody else (like the feeling you get when you listen to a recording of your voice), but I feel like I can actually hear myself when I write now. And I'm only mildly annoying.
I like myself as a wife and mother.
I laugh a lot and I really like that.
I like that I'm the kind of person who will get sad, sit down with a bowl of burnt popcorn and a Capri Sun and write things that I like about myself. Because who does that??

Thank you for reading. I do feel better. Feel free to say something nice about yourself in public sometime. It takes gumption and you know what? I like that in people.

Published Author... Check.

2011-12-06T16:03:00.001-07:00

My Father-In-Law, Steve, writes a column for the Post Register (Idaho Fall's newspaper). When he was visiting us a month ago, he was trying to figure out a topic and write a column before he left to go abroad for a week or two. (Apparently, he owns the Red Cross or something. I'd be more impressed if I had any idea what he actually does and if I didn't beat him at Ticket to Ride so much.) Anyway, Steve was whining about his column and since we have kind of a bantering relationship, I bet him that I could write a column good enough for him to use in an hour. Weirdly enough, I actually did it and got 50 bucks out of it. The money is to be used on a Prime Rib dinner, since Prime Rib is all I crave during this pregnancy. I say that he underestimated the quality of Prime Rib dinner that my lifestyle demands and thereby he owes me more.

The column ran on November 27th. I looked online, saw that it had been published and froze. I couldn't (still can't) bring myself to read it. I went and sat in the shower for 45 minutes just completely embarrassed. I don't mind posting things on my blog. The majority of people who read this know me well or at least vaguely, with the exception of a weird bubble in Northern India who also tune in. I feel like I'm talking to friends. Now I know that the Post Register isn't the biggest paper in the world, but a lot of people read Steve's column. Basically anytime we're in Idaho Falls and we're out in public with him, someone stops him and tells him how they love reading his column. I know that at least SOMEONE who doesn't know me read it and that terrifies me. What if they hated it?

I've had a bunch of friends and family ask me to post what I wrote here, because the Post Register requires a subscription to see their content online. I know several of you want to see it, but I still feel dumb posting it because it is very specifically about Idaho/Idaho Falls and you really might not think it's interesting. Oh well, I feel stupid, but there is also a part of me that's proud that I actually wrote something and that someone out there liked it enough to print, so I'll post it here too. But you are required to adore it or I am going to take an hour-long shower.

When I met my husband, I didn’t realize there was something terribly wrong with him. But on our second date, he told me over dessert: “I want you to know that I think Idaho Falls is the greatest place in the world.” He didn’t even soften the blow.

I went home to my apartment in Logan and told my Utahn roommates the news. “He has Pride-aho.” They were upset, of course. We had all had high hopes for Jeff, but now we knew that the state of Idaho had another fine young man in her potato claws.

I’ll have you know that Pride-aho is a scientific fact. When taken outside of their beloved home state, Idahoans become fierce defenders of the Idaho faith. The concept of Pride-aho (Pride of Idaho) is especially relevant at Utah State University, which lies less than 20 miles away from the border. At USU, Pride-ahoans walk freely among the students, ready to defend their Motherland at the drop of a hat.. Regrettably, these zealots don’t look like Napoleon Dynamite or some other famous person from Idaho (ha!). Shockingly enough, you can even end up going on a second date with a Pride-ahoan and never know.

Unfortunately, I am from Utah and I had already decided after our first date that Jeff and I were going to get married in May, so I was especially perturbed by the news that he was one of THEM. Would that mean that we’d have to have our second reception in a potato field? Would he expect us to (gulp) live in Idaho?

After long thought, I realized that Jeff had a very specific genus of Pride-aho. Specifically, Jeff had Pride-aho Falls. I had never been to Idaho Falls and because of a pleasant Best Western continental breakfast in Boise, I knew in my heart that all of Idaho couldn’t be all that bad. Maybe Idaho Falls really was the mystical land Jeff thought it was? After I found out that there was in fact a Target store there, I was ready to give IF a chance.

We drove to Idaho Falls late one night in September. Jeff had wanted some Jack-In-The-Box (which Utah lacks) and was willing to drive a fair distance to get it. We drove to Pocatello and just as we were about to exit off the freeway, Jeff decided that he didn’t want Pocatello to be the first impression that I had of Eastern Idaho just as I was so recently willing to form new Idaho-opinions. So we drove the extra 45 minutes to Idaho Falls and suddenly the stakes felt higher.

He took me to downtown Idaho Falls. (“That’s what you need to see.”) It was past midnight and the only thing open was Ford’s Bar, but I was enchanted. Antique shops and small cafes were illuminated by the streetlight and everywhere I looked I kept seeing these cool artsy benches sitting outside retro-looking buildings. It was nothing like the Salt Lake suburbs I had grown up in where every new development looked the same.Even in the middle of the night, I could tell that Idaho Falls had a very specific, very charming character that I never would have expected. Then Jeff drove me around the greenbelt and the Falls and I was a goner. A Pride-aho Fallsian.

Listen, it’s not a perfect town. It is too cold. It’s easy to get lost. I still have never successfully turned left out of Target. But Idaho Falls, I was prepared to only tolerate you and somehow you charmed me into cheering at the Emotion Bowl; racing rubber ducks on the river; and watching the fireworks show on the Fourth. And that May wedding? We had it here and it was beautiful.

Think Pink... or Yellow or Purple or Whatever.

2011-12-05T15:21:00.003-07:00

On Friday we found out that we're having a girl! We had an emergency ultrasound because my doctor was concerned that I had a short cervix. Everything seems to be fine (my doctor's guess was waaaay off) and near the end of the ultrasound, we told the tech that we weren't opposed to finding out the sex if she wanted to tell us. Jeff pipped in, "That's the only reason I'm here!" which mildly offends me because it was an emergency ultrasound- c'mon, Jeff! Anyways, our tech was more than willing to tell us.

She paused the picture and just looked at us for a second. "That's the between-the-legs shot. What do you see going on?" I thought because she was acting like it was obvious that it had to be a boy. I think I offered a vague comment that it looked like there was something there and she just looked at me like I was blind and was like: "No, there's nothing there. It's a girl." She went on to point out different reasons that made the baby's downtown area specifically female which I'm still not sure I saw (Jeff is), but she was so sure. I asked her how long she had been doing this (10 years) and how much of a percentage she'd give her certainty (80%). When we found out what Adam was, it was so glaringly obvious, but the tech would only give us 70% certainty that he was a boy, so I was happy at this higher percentage. She was obviously extremely competent and the picture was incredibly clear (it was at the radiology department, not on the run-of-the-mill OBGYN equipment) but I just couldn't believe it. I kept saying, "But it could still be a boy, right?" and she would give me that you're-nice-but-kind-of-dense look and be like, "No." As we left- she called out after us, "See you in two weeks! Hope your little girl doesn't grow a penis!"

The night before, Jeff and I had been talking about the new baby and we both admitted that because we wanted a girl, we both thought the baby would be a boy. That moment that we found out still feels like a great dream- we're really happy. I keep remembering and smiling. Again, this really might be our last child and I'm glad that we'll be able to experience both genders. Also, this isn't something that anyone wants to admit, but we were afraid that we'd constantly be comparing the baby to Adam if she were a boy.

But do you want to know the funny thing? As soon as we found out the she's a girl, I've suddenly forgotten why it is that I didn't want a boy. I LOVE having a boy. He is the cutest, sweetest, and naughtiest little thing ever- he's basically the best. 2 boys now seems like double-the-blessing. I'm also going to miss being able to refer to my whole family as "my boys." I really liked being the only girl in our little family, just like I liked being the only daughter growing up. When I announced that we were having a girl on Facebook, I got a lot of "little girls are the best." comments, and my knee-jerk reaction was: "Nope. ADAM'S the best and he's a boy, so it stands to reason..."

Funny story- a few days before we found out, I was talking to my friend's husband's grandmother (that's a mouth-full) in Relief Society and we were talking about gender. I told her that we were hoping for a girl because we might not have another child and she completely agreed with that sentiment. Then she kind of looked off into the distance and said, " Little boys are great too. They stay closer to their moms. But little girls... I can just hear their whining and screeching voices now."

But despite my renewed love of the male gender, I am just so happy that she's a girl. I'm not even sure what to do with a girl. (I can't do hair at all, I don't dress well and I bake like once every 5 years. These are things I need to teach her, right???) I can't even explain it. I keep thinking about having a girl and it makes me feel giddy. I'm guessing that's because even though I now realize that I'd be so very happy with another boy, we're meant to have a little girl. And she's meant to be awesome.

Lord Diaperton of Parliament.

2011-11-30T23:42:00.001-07:00

That's what we call Adam when he wears a (clean!!) diaper upon his little head. (Please note my firm "stop wiggling" grip on his arms.) Jeff is working late tonight at a movie showing Stanford's putting on (we actually got to see said movie at Sundance a while back, which makes us seem cooler than we actually are) and then he gets to take the director out to dinner. What a life he leads! Dinner? A movie? Sounds to me like he's being paid to go on a date. Anyways, I thought I'd blog because I'm getting dangerously close to actually getting a paycheck from my little side ads. And because I am overall in favor of keeping people updated on us. I don't really have anything to say, so I guess I'll just post some pictures from Jeff's phone.

Adam thinks it's funny when I wear his hooded towels. Luckily, I do too.

This is me at 16 weeks pregnant with New Baby.

Adam really likes bubbles.

He also likes to climb on the coffee table.

He simply adores doing headstands.

And reading.

But mostly he likes to watch videos of himself.

He also likes me. (No Jeff in these pictures because he takes them all.)

He really likes hording pacifiers.

I guess I do have something to mention, but it's one of those things that I'm not sure is worth mentioning yet. I've started having some contractions and cramping, and though it hasn't been anything regular, I've been a little scared, which is why I mention it, I guess. I'm mostly just sad that I'm already entering THAT stage of my pregnancy. Well, we'll see. I'm going into my OB tomorrow to get a progesterone shot and she says she'll check my cervix (ew). Anyway, I thought I'd tack that little nugget on to the end of this blog of a cute baby. Have a great night and feel free to click on all my ads.

Fetal FAQ

2011-11-28T16:11:00.003-07:00

I thought I'd do a little info session on the new pregnancy, because everybody wants to know my business. ;-)
And also because I've been super bad about answering any form of communication and I can't see this improving until I get a new brain. I'm basing the questions on things I've been asked and things I can tell people are thinking. Upon reviewing my words, I find them to be whiny and long, so continue if you dare.

Another baby? Weren't you just pregnant? Isn't Adam like 3 months old?
Yes, I do feel like I was just pregnant, but in actuality, it's been a little while. Adam and the new baby will be exactly 2 years apart. (Adam- May 12th, New Baby- May 9th)

Why did you keep it secret so long?
Because we needed extra time to let it sink it. I only regret lying to two of my friends who outrightly asked about my womb status. (Karissa, Jeanette) It sucks because they're both two of my most candid, honest friends. Sorry, guys.

Is it true that you got pregnant on birth control AGAIN?
Oh yes it is. Apparently, Jeff and I could really give the Duggars a run for their money if we wanted to. With Adam, I was prescribed antibiotics and my birth control by the same doctor. I knew there were some associated risks, but I figured he would be telling me these risks as he was prescribing both medicines AT THE SAME TIME. It wasn't until my 3rd cycle of antibiotics that the pharmacist told me that it probably was counteracting my birth control. By then, the little guy had made his way to my womb. And I'm grateful for that dumb doctor every day.

This time was more of my fault- actually, completely my fault. You know how they tell you to take birth control at the same time every day? You should do it. Because I had about 3 days where my timing was off and some little bugaboo is now in my womb.

Listen, I'm blessed. I'm glad that I can have children. Adam is the greatest blessing of my life and I know that this new baby will share that title with him.

Have you ever considered a new method of birth control?
Congrats, you are the billionth person to say that. :-) Yes, I will probably not be taking the pill again come May, but I'm pretty sure that my awesome fertility could find a way around a hysterectomy.

Is it true that you were sad?
Nope. I was super happy when I found out. Adam was too. I was holding him as I looked at the test and he just starting laughing and clapping. It was cool.

Yes, I was really happy to find out, but... I'm more scared than I was with Adam. I barely feel like an adequate parent as it is and I don't want to just be adequate- I want to be good. I'm a little burnt out by the toddler stage and I'm not sure I am ready for this new addition. I see people all around me having two kids two years apart and it makes sense for them. I feel like they can handle it. I'm not sure I'm there yet.

How's Jeff doing with all this?
Jeff has been sharing a little of my apprehension. He'd have liked to have had more say in our reproductive choices. Jeff is such an amazing dad and he and Adam are just so close- so Jeff has had more of the "how in the world can I love another child this much?" fear.

Luckily, Jeff and I are both aware of two things. 1st: Adam will love having a sibling. We can already tell that. This will be such a huge blessing for him. 2nd: Parenthood showcases humanity's amazing ability to adapt. I never knew how little sleep I could survive on 'til I had Adam. I never knew I could devote all day, every day to taking care of one little person. We will have this baby and it will blow our minds how we ever survived without our family of 4.

Boy or girl?
I picture the baby as a boy, but we'd like a girl. We might not have any more, and I'd like to have at least one of each. We'll find out what we're having on December 15.

Will you need a bigger place?
Probably not for a while. Our 2-bedroom is actually pretty comfortable. The baby will be living in the master bedroom closet for a few months, but will eventually share a room with Adam.

Are you sick this time around?
Yes, I've been sick, but that's not what people are really asking. Is it like with Adam? No. With Adam I had Hyperemesis. I didn't know that's what it was until I was hospitalized with dehydration and when the nurse was checking me in she was like, "Oh, I see that your doctor has diagnosed you with Hyperemesis." I had no idea 'til then, but I probably should have because I threw up about 5 times a day until about 22 weeks. Also, I learned that I probably should have been treating my dehydration more seriously. I was just kind of ignorant.

So yeah, I've been pretty sick, but nothing like before. I had a few weeks where I was throwing up a few times a day everyday, but it's really died down. I still maybe get sick a few times a week, but I've been holding things down well. And luckily, I haven't needed any Zofran. I feel like I'm super rotund this pregnancy, but I've been losing weight. I'm not super worried about it. (I am worried about my teapot resemblance.)

So... so far, so good?
Nope! My morning sickness had been fine, but I've had some other unique challenges. A lot of people know that I have anxiety. I'm not embarrassed about it. I was diagnosed when I was 12 with GAD and obsessive compulsive tendencies and it's something that I deal with daily. I know that there's a weird stigma attached to these problems and I know that a lot of people may ignorantly look at me and assume that I am just bad at coping with life's problems, but again, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I think my diagnosis is one of the most brilliant medical decisions I've ever encountered. I could regale you with tales of how cuckoo-crazy (also, cuckoo-crazy is my favorite phrase) I am/was or try to convince you that I'm super legit, but honestly, that would ruin my memoir. :-)

Anyway, through medicine, I've been able to keep my anxiety under control for several years. In fact, I think I'm a pretty happy, well-adjusted person, so... hooray! When I was pregnant with Adam, the medicine I was on (Effexor) was a Class B drug and I stayed on it. Since his birth it has been downgraded to Class C during the 1st and 2nd trimesters and Class D during the 3rd. There are some significant risks associated with bleeding and birth defects. Staying on it is not an option this time, and truthfully, there are not very many good options for anxiety medicine and pregnancy. (If you're curious, there are many anti-depressants that are safe, but I don't have depression.) Anyway, the decision to get off my meds was easy, but actually doing it has possibly been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've gotten off medicines before, but I've never been as sick as I was with this one. I tapered my dosage down over 2 months, but the final step was super difficult. I'm not sure I can emphasize that enough.

I went home to Utah to make the final leap so Adam would be looked after. I know that a lot of you wanted to see me and that I didn't make much of an effort, and this is why. I took my last dose of my meds Friday morning and by that evening, I felt awful. I couldn't get out of bed for most of the week-long trip. SSRI withdrawal is no joke. My main complaints were dizziness, headaches, nausea, intense nightmares, and the weirdest/worst thing I've ever experienced called "brain zaps" or "brain shivers." It's hard to explain, but it feels like your brain is being jolted around. It really was terrible- enough that this life-long proponent of psychiatry is terrified by the idea of taking another anti-anxiety medicine. Sheesh- I feel like I've been complaining for years- next question.

And what about preterm labor?
Ah, yes. What a jolly good time that was. Yes, I am at a high risk for it again. I'm seeing a high-risk OB and she is concerned. The main point of concern is not that I had Adam crazy early, (He was a solid 36 weeks despite my initial labor at 28 weeks and subsequent flare-ups.) but that I constantly progressed in my labor and dilation despite medical interventions and intensely strict bedrest. (I was dilated to a 4 1/2 when I was taken off bedrest and meds and then I instantly went into labor.) My doctor thinks that I "squeaked by" avoiding an earlier delivery and is concerned that I might not be as lucky this time.

There are some things you can do, luckily. I'll be taking weekly progesterone shots starting this week until the end of the pregnancy. The baby will be getting steroid shots to strengthen his/her lungs at 24 weeks. (I'm glad- Adam got them at 30 weeks, but still had some breathing problems.) I'll be also getting regular ultrasounds checking my cervical length and thickness (ew). My doctor tells me to plan on being on some constant anti-contraction medicine again, which is fine. The anti-contraction meds were never able to stop my contractions, but they spaced them out and made them irregular, which made a difference. And as for bedrest? Well, we'll see. I have a little ball-of-energy toddler and no family around, so we're operating under the assumption that I won't be able to have the same level of it that I did before. If I absolutely need to go on some sort of hospital/home bedrest, I have two amazing moms who I know would rearrange their worlds to be here. So, we'll see.

No more kids??? But you're both so attractive!
We'll see. If this pregnancy is rough, we may be done. I can handle me being sick, but the fear and risks of preterm delivery is paralyzing. (This is what is in competition with "hardest thing I've done.") Imagine having a baby that could realistically be born at anytime and thinking, "if the baby is born today, he/she has a 30% chance of cerebral palsy" or "if the baby is born today, he/she will probably be in the NICU for 2 months." It's scary and if we have a similar experience, we will probably not have another child. But don't be super upset. I do not feel like I have the capabilities to be a good mother to many many children, so even if every thing is peachy, you'd only be seeing one or two more baby Carrs tops.

Is it true you're off Taco Bell?
This is a vicious rumor. Taco Bell and I still are in love, but I don't crave fast food when I'm pregnant. In fact, the idea of a lot of them make me feel queasy. This totally ruined McDonald's Monopoly for me this year, but is probably healthier for me and the baby (grumble, grumble).

Why don't you blog more, Sarah?
Because I'm tired. And because I watch a lot of bad TV and read dumb books when I have a spare moment. When you're really busy, you go for cheap thrills.

Promise you'll be better at blogging?
Sheesh. Why are you all so needy??

Please observe.

2011-11-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

Pause this movie at 0:39.

Let this visual information gestate until May 9th, 2012.

Cycle and Culture.

2011-10-17T23:40:00.000-06:00

What? An Update?

Not so fast.

Sometimes blogging isn't about the cute thing your baby does, or the amazing craft you just made. (Adam = cute, but infuriating, craft = nonexistent.) Sometimes it's actually just about writing. I feel like writing about something.

Last night I was woken up around 1:30 by a woman talking. I had no idea if she was in my building, or in one of the several buildings squeezed nearby- we can hear people from all over. I thought she was talking loudly on her cell, but as I woke up and as she got more agitated, I realized that she was fighting with somebody in her apartment. I could hear a man's voice once in a while, but really I could just hear her. She was obviously very young, in her late teens or early twenties. She was very profane. She was very hysterical.

What I couldn't figure out was why they were fighting, or rather why she was fighting. The guy she was fighting with wasn't yelling back like she was. I could hear muffled things he'd say, but really it'd be like "mumble mumble mumble" and then she'd be all "I WORK ALL DAY SO I CAN LEAVE YOU!"

Obviously he wasn't being nice, but really, she was the aggressor. She was screaming at him for about a half hour, not yelling, screaming. Her level of volume and the amount of emotion in her voice reminded me of the scream of what a person just about to hit someone with their car would sound like. It was terrifying.

I lay in bed, just praying for it to stop, when suddenly the fight escalated. He called her family stupid or something and she just lost it. She was just screaming and banging around and then suddenly she stopped for a second and then started up again. "YOU JUST HIT ME! GET READY TO GO TO JAIL!" And I realized that what I was listening to was more sinister than I thought. There was physical violence going on- this was not just a fight- it was domestic abuse. I'd never been near that sort of thing before.

What makes me want to blog about this is not the story itself, but my reaction. As soon as I figured out that this guy had hit her, my first instinct was, "She kind of deserved it." And then my stomach just clenched. Everyone knows that nobody deserves to be abused. That's like the first thing they teach you at college orientation. Not where your classes are, but that if you're abused, it is not your fault. It is never your fault.

When we're taught about abuse, as women, we are told that we might get into an abusive relationship if we're insecure and this charming guy just devotes himself to you suddenly. The after-school specials are all the same: he's great, but maybe a little jealous and then he won't let you go out with your friends and then all of the sudden he beats you up. But don't worry, someone helps you and you are free of that awful man. That could be exactly what was happening to the screaming girl.

But my stomach won't unclench.

I can't absolve her, she simply can't fall into white innocence in my black heart. Have I taken a step backwards? Why can't I sympathize with a person who was a victim of physical abuse? It's been simmering in my mind all day and I think I am beginning to understand, or at least grasp some thread of something I obviously do not understand.

She was an abuser too. Her verbal abuse was so electrifying that it made me shake with fear. This girl was doing something very wrong and there is a puritanical voice in my head that tells me that if you do something wrong, you ought to be punished. When the mystery man hit her, I subconsciously felt like justice had been served. To tell you the truth, I still do. I can't let that knee-jerk reaction go, which brings me the real point of this blog.

I have no understanding of domestic abuse. I've always heard the term "cycle of abuse," but I only understood it at face value: when there's abuse in a home, the people in that home are more likely to be involved in other abusive situations, whether as the victim or the perpetrator. But as much as I think I understand what that means, I can't ever visualize a child who saw a parent getting abused growing up to become an abuser. It just doesn't compute in my brain. Why would someone who faced something terrible force it on someone else? How does that transformation begin? When does the abuser become the bad guy?

I realized that the phrase, "cycle of abuse" isn't completely accurate. It's more than a cycle- it's a culture. That girl had obviously picked it up somewhere that verbal abuse is ok; that guy had learned that it's ok to hit. This can't just be based on past events in their lives- it's a part of them, of the people they're around. Chances are, she will scream again and he will hit again. Who is more wrong? Who deserves to be punished? How do you begin to understand something that features two bad guys? Or is it two good guys? Cycles can be broken- you can slam the brakes- but how do you redefine a culture?

How do I get my stomach unclenched?

And How Is Adam Doing?

2011-09-01T23:39:00.003-06:00

Even though I'm a Mom with a blog, I sometimes don't do it Mommy-blog justice. I've been getting a lot of "put pictures of Adam on the blog" comments. My answer? You try and photograph that little cretin. He is still super photogenic, and always smiles for the camera, but he is now a toddler and by definition can't sit still, so he will only pose for a millisecond and our camera just isn't up to the task.

There's so much I could say about Adam. I adore him, to put it simply. To make it more complicated, I have to say: he drives me cuckoo-crazy about 50% of the time and that number would be higher if he slept less. Apparently he likes me, but it only shows up when I want to put him down or when I need to use the bathroom. We don't see a lot of other people now that we're in Redwood City, so we've got a weird relationship. Sometimes we get sick of each other, sometimes we argue (but his rhetoric sounds suspiciously like gibberish). I like to think we're like Tom Hanks and Wilson. Unfortunately, I'm not sure who's who anymore.

He's growing up, and quite frankly, that unsettles me. Every time he does something new or I'm suddenly hit by how much he's changed, the song, "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof plays melodramatically in my head. I'm not sure I'm ok with how the world works. I know that's a pretty massive complaint, but it's true. Why does everything have to change? I'm grateful for the change that has happened in my life thus far, but I think I'd like some things to slow down. I don't want Adam to say "I hate you" to me. I don't want him to make bad decisions. What if he turns out to be a jerk or a drug addict or something? People will see him and think about all of the bad things he encompasses. They wouldn't know that his mother looks at him now and thinks her heart will burst because he is so perfect, so pure. I don't want to give that up, so I'm hoping the laws of the universe can just be sidestepped.

Gosh.

Even though, I called him a "cretin" and possibly compared him to a volleyball earlier, I just love that little boy so much. I guess I should do him mommy blog justice and actually talk about him and not just my feelings about him.

ADAM AS OF SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2011

Adam officially took his first steps on July 5th, but decided shortly after that he never wanted to walk again. He is now reversing his position on the issue. It's fun to see him toddle around like he owns the place.
He's been saying "Mama" "Dada" and "duck" for a few months now, but always sporadically and only very rarely when we prompted. Finally, he has a solid word down, "ball."
Adam only uses his pacifier at bedtime, and he definitely doesn't need it nor is he really attached to it. But he does have the strange ability to go into any given room and comeback with a pacifier. We have no idea where he is stashing them.
He thinks the word "Amen" is hilarious.
I can't really comment on what his favorite food is, because he hates all food. You would all feel sorry for me if you saw meal-time. I can get him to eat baby food if the TV is on and I do a Charleston-like dance after every bite. (He eats better for Jeff, for some reason, no dancing needed) He has no inclination to eat anything solid except a few goldfish and french fries. This is obviously an issue, but one I am scared to press as his weight is an problem.
He's little, but less than he used to be. He is still drinking soy formula, at his doctor's request. I don't know what he'd be drinking if he wasn't, as he still appears to have reactions to milk. I've weaned him onto yogurt and small amounts of regular formula, so progress is being made.
Have I ever mentioned, Ducky, Adam's best friend? Well, I should have, because he is super in love with that thing. He goes into the bedroom and pulls it out of the crib almost every day. He likes to dive on top of it-- we call it duck diving-- like a million times a day. He also quacks at his duck, but Adam-quacks sound famously like "goy."
His favorite shows are "The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That." and "Curious George."
His favorite game is probably "Momster," which is the game where I pretend to be a monster. Also high up there is the game where Jeff and I take pacifiers, put them in our own mouths and spit them out at him. He also plays mean games of Catch, Peek-A-Boo and Patty-Cake.
His favorite book right now is "Another Monster at the End of This Book," which is an unnecessary sequel to "A Monster at the End of This Book." He also loves his Toy Story bath time book.
He likes drawers and cupboards, especially getting inside them. He also really likes taking things out of one place and putting them somewhere else. He's a good little gatherer.
He had his first time-out. He bit my cheek super hard.
He loves electronics. LOVES. He is obsessed with our computers, loves remote controls, and spends a surprising amount of the day pretending to talk on the phone.
He is currently obsessed with garbage cans and toilets. Let's just say there's been several incidents involving Ducky.
He can drink out of a straw quite well. I was carrying him in one arm and a Baja Blast in the other and spacing out when I heard him giggling. I then realized he had been leaning over and taking sips of my delicious, caffeinated soda. Oy.
He cannot be contained by straps in carts and high chairs. He's just too skinny. He just wiggles out. It's a major problem, because he just wants to stand up in carts. And I really don't know what to do. I've been putting him in the big parts of carts, but I feel like I get dirty looks because you're really not supposed to do that. But I would rather have him constantly standing up in the deep section than in the high, shallow one.
He's down to one nap a day. I'm adjusting- sort of. I feel like I watch the clock more now.
He loves animals, but especially dogs. He loves the Humane Society and ASPCA commercials with the abused animals. He giggles at all the puppies.
He got his first professional haircut a few days ago. He cried so hard he threw up. Apparently this is common?
He is on a constant quest to throw things over the balcony.

And now for the cute parts:

Ali and Adam.

With his daddy.

He's super strong.

Makes me laugh.

He's not happy about Ali reading a San Fran guide.

Helping me pack.

The only babies I know have blue eyes and brown hair.

Pre-haircut coolness.

He likes to climb into chairs.

My brother painted a picture of Adam in the style of German Expressionism. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what that exactly means.

Playing with Mom and Grandma.

His hair is all fancy.

Enjoying a good shake.

He dubs this water suitable.

Phew. This is getting exhausting. But I probably should link some videos too to be thorough. They're all super cute, so check them out.

Ok, that's enough. I feel like I just birthed my second baby. So yeah... in summary, Adam is doing well.

Secret's Out.

2011-08-30T21:24:00.000-06:00

It's been discussed and in the works for a long time, but today Jeff formally accepted a position at:

He'll be the Program and Publication Coordinator at the Center for Russian, East European and Eurasian Studies. I'm not sure exactly what he'll do, to be honest. Something with borscht?

This is a legit deal. He actually has business cards being printed out. He said I could have at least 10, but only if I use them for legitimate reasons. I will not.

It is an entry-level job, so he's not planning on being in the position forever. Stanford knows this, but they still want him anyway. (It's like dating a guy who said he doesn't want to marry you, Stanny.)

There were 42 applicants to the job, many with PhD's, so we're really humbled that they chose Jeff. This job really was an answer to many, many prayers.

In And Out With The Gross.

2011-08-20T23:00:00.001-06:00

Well, we moved off Stanford campus. In honor of a good year, I will post an expose that will blow your mind.

For the past year, I have been doing my laundry in a nearby building. To get there, I have to walk through what I call "The Rapist's Den." I know that's an awful thing to say, but it seriously is a scary place. It's in a secluded, dimly lit basement that is rife with scary possibilities. I've seen some crazy crap there. But actually, I haven't seen any feces, so that's good.

The entrance. May I stress how secluded and dim it is?

You walk down the stairs and you are greeted by a bunch of garbage cans. There is also strips of newspaper stuck to the concrete walls- I'm not sure what's making the strips sticky. Best of all, one time I found several piles of human hair here. It was the scariest moment ever, but also so bizarre that I decided right then and there that I had to tell the world.

You open the door to this.

The first door on your right has a good old asbestos warning sign. One time, the door was propped open (what about the asbestos???) and this guy sauntered out and yelled, "Booze!" I know that sounds made-up, but I think he was speaking in another language and he just happened to say "booze."

First door on your left has a high voltage warning.

Not to be undone, the next door has voltage AND asbestos issues.

The next door is the trash chute room. It's usually closed, so I thought it was just good luck that the door was open and the garbage was flowing freely on the day I brought my camera.

After the trash room, you have some kind of torture chamber or something.


Finally you reach the end of the hall and you open to a nice normal room with vintage French posters. Stanford, if you can afford nice posters for random rooms, could you please make that hallway not the place where dreams die?

We're settling in to our new place. We moved about 7 miles away, to Redwood City. Thus my title. Redwood City is also kind of a gross place. I've been making fun of it for quite some time, actually. The faint smell of cigarette smoke everywhere you go. The pounding mariachi music. The Vietnamese sex trade. All delightful Redwood City staples.

Girls in White Dresses with Blue Satin Sashes

2011-07-28T16:38:00.000-06:00

That was always my favorite line of the song. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are too vague for me, but I can just see a girl in a white dress with a blue sash- it's just so clear to me. Unfortunately, I googled the phrase, and I couldn't find a single picture like the white dress I picture. I guess that's what makes it a great image- you can interpret it many ways. I just wish everyone else's interpretation wasn't so wrong.

I'm in need of a good old Sound of Music philosophy lesson. Life has been a little up in the air for us. Jeff hasn't found a job yet and in 2 weeks, we will be homeless unless the Northern California housing market finally pulls through for us. I worry constantly about Adam, if he's gaining weight, if he's hitting his milestones. I worry about Jeff; he's been so stressed and scared. I worry about packing. Mostly I don't want to do it.

People ask us: "What are you going to do?" Well, what can we do, really? We will find a place to live in California because Jeff still has an internship and a part-time job here. We will live on our savings. I will order less expensive menu items at Taco Bell. (Hee!) Sometimes things aren't ideal, but you just have to press forward without whining, because there is always someone who has it worse than you do. Luckily for all of you, I am that person. (Double hee!)

Basically, The Sound of Music is awesome. We all know that. But Maria really did me a solid last week. I was pretty stressed and downtrodden about our future. I felt secure on a deeper level- I know that Heavenly Father will watch out for us. But on a superficial level, I needed some comfort. So I thought of my favorite things. And then I didn't feel so bad.

Here are some of my favorite things:

Stomping on mushrooms. (This has been videotaped, unfortunately.)
The smell of something just cleaned with bleach. (May all of my bleach-stained clothes rest in peace)
When Adam bites Jeff's nose. (I guess I should start intervening.)
Small children speaking foreign languages. (Especially French.)
Petting zoos and zoos in general. (When regular zoos have a petting zoo section, I'm over-the-moon.)
Miniseries. (The long P&P, Anne, Little Dorrit, Downton Abbey, among many glorious others.)
Napping. (When Adam does it, or when I do it. Either way, it's great.)
Wedding dresses. (Poor Adam has seen waaaay too many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.)
Gardens. (I like to see things grow from the ground. It still blows my mind that that's possible.)
When Jeff comes and waves at me while he's brushing his teeth. (He does it every night.)
Young adult novels. (I want to write one one day. And it will blow all ya'll's minds.)
The feeling of kissing Adam's cheeks. (Baby skin is so amazing.)
Anything with the Muppets. (This November will obviously be a good time.)
Singing and dancing in the car. (I'm always sad to see that most people I drive by aren't doing this.)

I guess I probably should stop here because Adam is waking up from his nap (see aforementioned favorite thing) and I have to return to reality, I guess. Could you do me a favor, blog stalkers?? Could you please comment and tell me some of your favorite things? It would make me really happy. I like knowing silly little things about people. It actually is one of my many unlisted favorite things.

The Happiest Place On Earth.

2011-07-18T23:08:00.000-06:00

If you thought I was talking about Disneyland, you are so wrong. I'm a SeaWorld kind of girl. I will never stop reminding you all.

I'm talking about "The World's Nicest Taco Bell."

I read about this place several months ago on MSN. I clicked on the link just because I love Taco Bell, and it took me a little while to figure out that this Taco Bell was within my grasp. When I see cities in California, I just assume that it's too far from us. Luckily, this Taco Bell is in Pacifica, which is just below San Francisco. Success!

We had a free Saturday, so instead of doing something enriching, we did something awesome. We went to that fabulous Taco Bell. And it was fabulous.

It's on the beach, actually on the beach. There's a walk up window for people with sandy feet to order. Isn't that awesome? It's impeccably maintained and there are huge windows everywhere showcasing the fantastic location. And when we walked up to order, they gave Adam a balloon. I've been to Taco Bell a shocking amount of times (even more than you're imagining) and I've never seen balloons being given out. But I guess I've never been to the World's Best Taco Bell before.

Adam loved his balloon.

He's still such a photogenic guy.

He now has about seven teeth. They all came out in June, poor kid.


Don't judge it by its rustic exterior. It's the nicest fast food place ever. I want to live there.

There's a gazilion other things I should blog about. Maybe I should mention how we get kicked out of our home in a month and don't have a place to live? Maybe I should mention how there haven't been a lot of job offers rolling in yet? Maybe I should mention how Adam bit my finger and it left a strange blood-freckle thing that maybe defies the laws of nature?

I shouldn't. We'll find a place to live and Jeff will find a job. In a few months, I'll barely remember what was bothering me this summer. (There's a chance I may still have the blood-freckle, but c'est la Sary vie.) But anyways, I will always want to remember the feeling of a Saturday driving on the coast with my boys, especially since Taco Bell was involved.

Search History.

2011-06-28T01:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I like to look back and see what I've been searching for on the internet. It is almost always hilarious.

Here's what pops up for the letters F, G, and H.

Funny LOTR shirts
Fayetteville, NC
Ft. Point Presidio
Farah Fawcett
Fictionpress
FBI
Family radio
Fort Mead
FTD
Funny or Die
Famous Bulgarians
Famous Moldovans
Feline aids
Famous diamonds
Francisco Goldman
Fired 2 warning shots.

Gain
Gypos
Geneva to Moscow train
Gilded Age
Gemini's Twin
Give up the ham
Government consulting
Gonzo
Grace Kelly wedding dress
Gaycare
Golden Anniversary
Gluten-free pizza
Guaymas
Gilly
Gaga GMA
Graco

Hunger Games set
Http://vivanloscarrs.blogspot.com
Harper Colins
Hot people in history
How many Americans died in the Bataan death march
Huffington Post
Hendonstat
How can you edit content
Hugh Jackman San Francisco
House of Carters
How many times has Tim Calhoun been on SNL
Has waited, the anticipation's got her glued
Ham pregnancy
Hoda Kotb
How do I teach English
How long is the flight from Anchorage to Hawaii
Harrison Ford chin
Honda

Many of the references are a mystery to me. A great many have to do with SNL. They're all in order, which begs the question: how is Firefox organizing this? That might be the greatest mystery of all.

Master.

2011-06-14T21:40:00.000-06:00

Jeff graduated! He officially is Master Carr, which I shall call him with great delight. He has worked so incredibly hard. It's been a tough year, but he's been great. There have been many nights where he's gone to bed at 4:00 and woken up at 7:00. Jeff has an amazing ability to run on little sleep, but that's another blog.

I missed the general commencement because Adam was napping, but I hear it was... actually, nobody has really said any thing about it. The president of Mexico was the speaker, which is pretty darn cool. He's not really considered to be that great of a president, so that makes it less cool, I guess.

His department had its own ceremony, which was nice and small, as there were 9 students in his program. As each graduate received their diploma, the head of the program spoke about each student. He said that Jeff was the outstanding language student of the year, which is cool and true. Jeff's Russian has gotten really good. I have no way of really knowing that, because he's humble and I can't speak the language, but I've got a good feeling about it.

After the diplomas were given out, we had a ceremonial toast to the graduates. We could have had some Russian champagne (which sounds really sketchy to me), but luckily the good people of Stanford provided some apple cider for the five of us associated with Jeff. They almost accidentally gave some to a lady in front of us, and she was not happy at all. It just made me laugh. It felt like not drinking alcohol was this crazy notion that they had to accommodate, but the luncheon afterwards had all kinds of vegetarian and vegan options. I'm not sure what my point is- it's just strange.

You may be asking, "What now?" I'd like to answer your question with another one, "Do you know of any places that are hiring?" Our future is very uncertain right now. As of right now, Jeff is doing an internship at a local newspaper and working for the Russian Studies department part time. Jeff applies for jobs everyday. Luckily, we have a place to live till August, but then we are on our own. It's scary, but kind of exciting. I have faith we'll figure something out. We're ridiculously blessed.

We have some job leads, but nothing is set in stone enough for blogging. You'll just have to go crazy thinking about our tricky situation until something pops up.

And now, some pictures.

Jeff's the guy looking up.

The two of us at the smaller ceremony.

If you've been waiting to see Adam pictures, this is all you get. He was NOT good at graduation.

Jeff gave me his academic stole, you give it traditionally to a person who has been a support to you.

I am victorious.

But I'm still really proud of this guy.

I Started A YouTube Account.

2011-05-21T21:53:00.000-06:00

Well's there's really nothing else to say.

Here it is.

Also, here is a movie that Jeff and some cohorts made for his branding class. He didn't want to post a link on his blog, the little snob, because he said it didn't mesh with his "motiff." Well, even though I just called him a snob, I'm proud of him and his many talents, so I will post it.

Also, my videos on YouTube will be 99% Adam, but once in a while, I'll probably put one of me singing. Ok.

Special Occasion

2011-05-17T22:50:00.000-06:00

May is a special occasion kind of month for us. Basically, everything that ever happens/ed is in May. This means that our gift budget for May is way too high and last week we had three cakes in our fridge for three separate occasions. I felt pretty glutinous, which is all I want in life.

MAY 3RD is our wedding anniversary. This is the 3rd one, for those of you keeping track. (Or placing bets) Our options for celebrating were limited (due to Adam), but not as limited as last year (due to bed rest with Adam- common theme?). We went out to a fancy restaurant, Sundance the Steakhouse that I've been wanting to go to since we moved here. In fact, as soon as I saw the word "steakhouse" nine months ago, I pulled a Liz Lemon and said, "I want to go to there." We both had the prime rib, and two bites into it, we simultaneously expressed the regret that we didn't order a larger cut. In my book, that is a smashing success of an evening!

We plan on taking a small trip in June, when Jeff's parents are in town (graduation), and we will not be taking Adam! That will be strange, a special occasion in itself.

But in all seriousness, these 3 years have been the best of my life. Apparently marriage is supposed to be hard? Not with Jeff Carr. I recommend you all marry a Jeff Carr. Wait...

MAY 8TH is Mother's Day. My first one as a Mom. As I've said, I require presents pretty frequently, and Jeff and Adam were kind enough to oblige me. Most notably, they gave me one of my favorite movies as a little girl, "Mathilda." I loved the book too, I read it after I saw the movie- it took me a shockingly long time into the novel to figure out that the characters were British. I think it was after she blew up the "telly." My mind was blown that characters that I assumed were American were actually British.

I like being a Mom, maybe even love it. I guess I feel like I would be lying if I were to gush about motherhood, because it's not always perfect. Every morning when I hear Adam at 7:00, I say a little internal "Aw, man!" Motherhood isn't always the cute moments. Sometimes you're bored, sometimes you're frustrated, you're ALWAYS tired and anxious about your performance. Sometimes, you wake up and for just a minute, you want your old life back.

But then I see Adam standing up in his crib, wearing that ridiculous sleep sack that I love. I ask him if he's grown any teethies yet, he grins his gummy smile in reply. And even though I'm tired and inadequate, I think, "Yeah, I love being a mom." It's funny how I can list all of my issues with motherhood, and feel they are legitimate, but they are completely overshadowed by the positive experiences. Basically all I have to do is see his face and I forget that I ever had a bone to pick with motherhood.

MAY 9TH is Jeff's birthday! He is 26 years old, which I think bothers him a little bit, but I have no idea why. He's lived a great life in such a short amount of time! He has...

Been to 4 of the 7 continents. (Africa, Asia, Europe, and lame old North America)
Lived in a foreign country. (Russia)
Lived in a crazy part of an freaking crazy country. (Siberia, Russia)
Lived in this crazy land because of his beliefs and convictions and did so for 2 years! (and it was cold!)
Published pieces of his writing. (fiction and non)
Graduated with honors from USU. (Creative writing)
Is about to graduate from Stanford (Russian Studies- don't think they give honors to MA students.)
Got married. (and word on the street is she's a 10!)
Had a baby. (I'd give him a 9.5 because of his recent grumpiness)
Worked full-time in PR and was loved universally by his office. (and he loved it too)

There are many other cool things about Jeff, but these are just some cool life milestones. I think he stacks up well against any 26 year old, except maybe Mark Zuckerberg. (Who actually just turned 27- so you're doing ok, Jeff!)

Jeff's best birthday gift? Tickets to the NCAA tennis tournament, conveniently held at Stanford this year. Good luck trying to get me to accompany you.

MAY 12TH is Adam's birthday! It's weird that he's been alive a whole year. Unfortunately, his accomplishment aren't as varied as Jeff's.

Was born. (May 12th, 1:25 AM)
Came home from the hospital. (May 28th)
Was allergic to milk. (still is.)
Gained some weight. (he's 17.5 pounds now- and honestly, I deserve the credit for that.)
Likes computers. (we bought him a baby laptop.)
Said the word "duck." ("da")
Like to eat leaves any chance he can get. (this has resulted in him gagging and throwing up many times)
Likes veggie stix, and really nothing else. (except the aforementioned leaves)
Likes to walk around the house holding onto things. (no real walking yet)
Once sneezed 8 times in a row. (awesome)

It has been an amazing year. Adam, you make us smile about a billion times a day. When you go to bed, all we do is talk about you, and we sneak in your bedroom to watch you sleep. You might be aware of this last fact, because some times you spring up, look at us, and fall back into your crib. You've got excellent reflexes.

But the cupcakes were delicious.

I've blogged a mighty long blog, and I hope that everyone who chances to read it will comment. (And I mean everyone!) Hopefully, the praise from my peers will entice me to be a better blogger. Also, here's some pictures.

We got married.

I'm a mommy.

Jeff is 26.

Adam is only one.

We're happy.

Where Have I Gone?

2011-05-04T23:27:00.001-06:00

Answer: I have no idea. I want to blog- I miss it. But the words won't come.

So I will give you ten-word updates on each individual Carr.

Jeff: school; job applications; newspaper internship; what to do with life?

Sarah: Adam's keeping her busy; tutors two Korean gentlemen; loves Nook.

Adam: oil in food to gain weight; no teeth; birthday soon.

Pretty vague, eh? That'll keep you guys coming back for more- once I finally find my groove again.

Also, who else likes that I haven't updated the about us section or the links on this blog? I hope you readers find laziness charming.

I guess I'll throw in a picture of the boy and I, because he's cute.

Goofery.

2011-04-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

A common occurrence around these parts.

This is Admiral Diaperhead, a reacurring character in our home.

Pneumonia

2011-04-10T16:52:00.000-06:00

Here's the things that I know about pneumonia: In Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, her son gets it. I remember her describing his symptoms as something like, "He'll complain about being cold, but he's burning with fever. When he complains of being hot, he's chilled to the bone." So anytime that I felt like my temperature was unbalanced in anyway, I'd suspect pneumonia.

That's really about it. I think I remember that my friend Hannah had it before I knew her. I know that it can be serious for the elderly, mainly because a lot of older celebrities seem to die of it. Most of my geriatric health knowledge comes from the obituaries on People.com. (Ok, and the years I worked at an Alzheimer's Ward.)

Well, despite my ignorance of pneumonia, pneumonia has decided not to be ignorant of us. I'm not sure that sentence makes sense- what I'm trying to say is that Adam has pneumonia. Poor baby.

He'll be ok. It's a mild case, the doctor says. The chest x-rays were hard for them to completely decipher, because Adam wiggled around too much, but there was some evidence of pneumonia and his oxygen and blood tests confirmed that there's something wrong.

It's weird, because he seemed sick, but not THAT sick. So, even after the doctor diagnosed him, I wasn't completely convinced. Mostly because the medical assistant taking his oxygen levels kept confiding to me that she had no idea what she was doing- not her most professional moment. But I believed the diagnosis yesterday, when: 1. his fever spiked and 2. I realized that I could walk up to his crib without him waking up. Normally, he pops up as soon as he hears the creaking door, so something must be going on.

He seems to be doing better, his temperature hasn't spiked today, but he's still sick. I know this because I just snuck up to his crib and took this picture. That's me, risking my son's comfort for blog journalism.

Get well soon, Mr. Wiggles!

Best Day.

2011-03-13T23:30:00.002-06:00

On March 9th, I had the best day. Ok, it was my birthday, which is the only reason I'm blogging about it. I'm not fond of blogs where the sole purpose is to point out how great the blogger's life is. If my life is so great, tell me, why can't I figure out a way to keep Adam away from the lamp in the corner? But my birthday was the best one I've ever had, so I'd like to tell you about it.

9:00 AM Wake up. Waaaaaiiit. Why is it so late? Oh yeah, Jeff got up with Adam. Boo-yah. (Hey, for all of you singles and couples without children: kids like to get up early. Every day.)

10:00 AM Went to work. Did I tell you all I had a job? It's great. I work 6 hours a week for the Stanford CS department, tutoring their visiting scholars in English. Anyway, I went to work and Sam (his Americanized name) gave me a bag of Korean cookies for my birthday.

11:00 AM Henry, the other man I tutor, comes in and gives me a bag containing a stuffed animal lion that dances to a song that I've never ever heard of. I love it.

12:00 PM I come home to a sign on the door that says "Happy Birthday, Mommy!" Jeff goes off to get me Taco Bell.

1:00 PM Jeff and I eat our Taco Bell while watching SNL on Netflix. We've been watching a lot of SNL lately. I mean, it's hit and miss, but there's many a gem. Adam naps.

2:00 PM Jeff goes to his one class of the day, he's taken the day off from studying, which is a major sacrifice for him, but makes me very happy. I check the news and such, like I like to do.

3:00 PM Adam wakes up, we go and play outside. He swings and gets compliments from the other moms in the courtyard about what a happy baby he is. He's really pretty normal- he just likes to swing.

4:00 PM We go over to a friend in the ward's house (Mary) to practice singing. I'm doing a choir/musical program thing for the Relief Society Birthday party. Adam plays in an Exersaucer. He likes it. Jeff comes home.

5:00 PM We go to Safeway to pick up the cake Jeff secretly ordered. When he had previously asked me what I wanted, I was very vague about strawberries and possibly a white cake. He ordered the most delicious cake known to man and let me get these cool candles with colored flames!

6:00 PM We go home and have cake and presents. Adam's a little cranky, but not terribly so. Jeff got me many a wonderful present, but I don't want to brag too much. Let's just say that I'll be reading about Charlie Sheen in my new high heeled shoes while admiring my new vase. Or something.

7:00 PM Adam goes to bed and the aforementioned Mary comes over to house/baby sit while Jeff and I go out on a (gasp!) date. He is taking me to Benihana, which you avid readers may remember was my fondest Valentine's Day wish that was smashed to sick smithereens. It is in Cupertino, home of the headquarters of Apple and home to my pupil Henry. Henry tells me that Cupertino is also 80% Asian, which I think is really interesting, because it's not a small town. I'd like to live in Cupertino, because it's supposed to be really nice, but mostly because it has a Benihana and I love to say "Cupertino."

8:00 PM We arrive and are seated at our group table. Our chef, Mario (who is not very Asian despite it being a Japanese restaurant and despite Henry telling me that basically everyone in Cupertino is Asian. I believed him because he lives in Cupertino and is Asian.) begins to do tricks. I ooh and ahh and clap at everything before I realize that I am the only one at the table who hasn't been there before and my delight makes me stand out. Nobody else is really paying attention as Mario cuts of some shrimp tails and flips them all into his hat! It was amazing! His hat was really tall! Benihana is simply delightful and it was seriously one of the best meals I've ever had.

9:00 PM We leave Benihana and drive home, enjoying being out after 7:00 and talking about the time my brother James made my family go to a Japanese restaurant that was really bad and my brother Tim decided to steal one of the fancy spoons they have there because the food was so bad and my mom was so upset that she made him take it back. I've told Jeff this story a gazillion times, but he's still nice and listens and laughs, because it is hilarious.

10:00 PM Back at home. We thank Mary and watch another SNL. Netflix is either a really good technological advance or a really bad one. We lean to the former.

11:00 PM I take a bath and read about Charlie Sheen in my People magazine. Apparently he's gone crazy.

12:00 AM I purposefully stay up to see the end of this great day, and fall asleep while talking to Jeff about something that I hope wasn't important. Best day ever.

The sign my boys made.

Presents!

Most delicious cake ever.

Most delicious baby ever.

Going on a date!

At Benihana. This is better than the one that the waiter took and printed out to commemorate my birthday. Jeff was chewing in that one. Mostly he looks smug.

Really, it was the best day. I didn't even know candles could have colored flames!

Love you, Jeff.

Love in the Time of Night Terrors.

2011-03-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of reasons that I love Jeff. I think if you peruse our blog to a time pre-baby, you'll see that basically all I blogged about was how great Jeff is. Just to prove that I can talk about something other than Adam (and because I also love Jeff), I'd like to tell you about one of the reasons I love Jeff.

I have a problem with waking up and being confused. I guess you could call my wakings "quasi-night terrors." I know that's pretty vague, but it's the best I can do. It's happened to me for as long as I can remember. I usually am not aware of what is going on, but I am often able to remember that something strange happened the next day. Very very rarely I can remember the entire incident. Since I fall asleep long before Jeff does, he often witnesses my outbursts and can corroborate my memory.

This summer, my night terrors were always focused around Adam. I'd wake up at least 3 or 4 times a week and start clawing at my pillow, because I was convinced that Adam was stuck there and couldn't breathe. As Adam got older (and started biting me) I stopped having the pillow night terror.

Lately, I've been going back to my most reoccurring night terror- that there's an earthquake. Oddly, this night terror is a pretty calm one. I usually wake up and tell Jeff, "Oh! There's an earthquake!" I say this the same way as I might say "Oh! The DOW dropped a little!" or "Oh! The Steelers won!" (I would never say either of these things, due to boringness.) Anyway, I am always mildly distressed as I tell Jeff about the earthquake.

This is one of the reasons why I love Jeff Carr.

He never makes fun of me when I say ridiculous things in my sleep. He's always very nice about it. For example, when I had my latest earthquake outburst, he didn't tell me to go back to sleep or that I was wrong. He said, "Oh! Really? Are you sure?" And he didn't say those words with a trace of sarcasm; he said them like he was open to the possibility that there might actually be an earthquake that only I could feel. Obviously, this has happened many times before, but he never makes me feel embarrassed about my night terrors. Whenever I would have the Adam-suffocating night terror, he would always hold me and comfort me, even after I realized Adam was fine and that I acted like a crazy woman. I really feel like I could wake up and tell Jeff that I was secretly the Queen of Narnia every night for ten years and he still would gently act surprised and impressed. I know it's a silly thing, but it means a lot to me that I have a spouse that cares about my feelings, even when I probably won't remember or care.

And on the times that I wake up and can remember what happened, I smile, because Jeff loves me too.

Vignettes

2011-03-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Wish I could dazzle you all with my writing, but I simply don't have the energy. Plus, Adam being cute is the real reason you're all here. (Especially my mother.)

These little videos aren't really hilarious or overly adorable, but they show a little picture on what life is like with our little friend. He just fits in.

Horror! Nostalgia! Racoons! This Post Has It All.

2011-02-25T00:32:00.000-07:00

In first grade, my school friend Kylie and I loved The Lion King. Mostly we liked to talk about Lion King Land, a place that we reckoned was just behind a hill nearby the school. In Lion King Land, there were rides, various talking animals, and most importantly, a particular kind of ice cream that was popular for about a day in the 90's. I can't remember the name of it, but it was basically like Sweetarts that you could put on top of individual cups of ice cream. The candies were shaped like LK characters for a limited time, so it really was pretty understandable that they were part of the cuisine of Lion King Land.

Then when second grade came, Kylie came to school wearing a t-shirt with the raccoon from Pocahontas. I should have known things had changed. At recess, I wanted to talk about Lion King Land and how amazing it was, and Kylie wanted to tell me about a new place, Pocahontas Land. She told me that it just so happened to be in the same place as Lion King Land and that it too was a great place. I just looked at that dumb raccoon on her shirt and had an epiphany: Lion King Land wasn't real. I had made it up, of course, but I had believed so fiercely in it, that a part of me had forgotten that it was a fictional place. As a young child, my imagination was basically as vivid as a drug user's. Having a friend who also swore Lion King Land was real just validated my delusion. So when Kylie was so disloyal to The Lion King, I took it hard. We were never close again and I never ever believed in Pocahontas Land. I never even liked Pocahontas- especially that dumb raccoon.

Dear reader, this post is actually about raccoons. It started that day and continues to this very line you're reading. I don't like raccoons. They make me very uneasy, in fact. How much do I dislike them? Lemme put it this way: you know the classic raccoon-killing novel, Where The Red Fern Grows? LOVED it.

Stanford has a coons problem. Jeff and I are the only ones who seem to notice, but it's true. I've caught them scaling the roof, digging through the dumpster and even hanging out on our patio. I think was bothers me most of all about them is how I usually catch them sneaking around in groups. Basically they've formed raccoon gangs and I am the informant that they want to terrorize.

My paranoia had reached epic levels, so Jeff decided to take me home to Utah to recuperate during Christmas. (At least, I'm pretty sure that's why.) When I returned home, I felt a renewed sense of hope. The coons were gone, I could feel it in my bones. Or so I thought...

A few nights ago we had the front door open (we live in California, suckers) and after checking on Adam, I came down the stairs and looked through our screen door at the nice night. Suddenly, the leaves rustled. Not unusual. Then I heard heavy breathing. It sounded like some sort of fiendish dog and my first thought was the scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus has to shoot that rabid dog and it made me scared that I'd have to figure out a non-gunny way to kill a dog, the thought of which is almost as horrifying to me as a raccoon street gang.

The breathing got heavy and I got more alarmed and then there was an abrupt silence. I stared out the door, not fully convinced and then ALL OF A SUDDEN a raccoon walked past very deliberately. Reader, it was terrifying, mostly because it felt exactly like this scene in Signs.

You may think I'm exagerating, linking a raccoon to a hostile alien takeover. BUT you don't understand!!!

There are gangs of them!!!

They live among us, hiding by day, but practically joy-riding around at night. They eat your children's trash. Think of the children('s trash)!!

What is the world coming to?