All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me . . . You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

My lowest point hit shortly after my divorce, a time when it felt like everything in my life was falling apart.

I felt like the world was ending, and I couldn’t get my engine started. And sometimes I didn’t even try.

I had failed, and I couldn’t change a thing (or so I thought). I kept thinking, “Is it really over?” I was sinking, and my air was running out.

The worst part of all was facing my kids and my former wife. You could see a numbness in their eyes. And it hurt. It really hurt.

I soon found myself with no job, no car, no money, and high debts. Luckily, someone bailed me out. My second mom got me an apartment next to hers. Thank you.

But I didn’t know how precarious her situation was. This blessing was soon taken away when she was hit with eviction notices on both apartments—and there were our things, scattered all over the ground. “Can it get any worse than this?”

Mom got another place, and I found a friend who let me sleep on his couch (whew!). But that didn’t last long either: After a week he threw me out, and it was the best thing he could’ve done.

He threw me out because he grew so disgusted with my negativity. You see, all my blaming, complaining, and walking around like a zombie wasn’t working very well.

And he kept saying ten words—ten words his father had taught him. Ten words that he believed in.

Ten words that would become my mantra: “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

You Can’t Fix Your Life Before You Take Responsibility

When my friend kept beating those words into me, a light finally turned on. If I wanted a job, it was up to me. If I wanted to love and support my family, it was up to me. If I wanted to be happier and stronger, it was up to me. Everything about me was up to me.

My friend’s advice hit me like a ton of bricks. It shook me. I was responsible. I needed to do whatever it took. I needed to do the hard things. I needed to quit asking for bailouts. And I needed to start trusting my own abilities. Not only was it up to me, I needed to start believing in myself more.

Talk about a turning point.

Unfortunately, I didn’t find the strength fast enough to save my marriage. And that still hurts. But I wasn’t going to give up on life and my kids. They needed me. They needed a good father. They needed me to keep going, to try, to learn, to grow, and to get better. And they still loved their dad, even though he was flawed.

So, what do you do when your life falls apart, and you’re left to pick up the pieces?

I began by taking small steps: securing a modest room for rent, applying to numerous jobs, and, fortuitously, finding employment relatively quickly. The greatest triumph, however, came later: finding love again and remarrying, which brought a renewed joy into my life.

The journey taught me that climbing out of despair requires more than just the desire for change; it demands actionable steps toward improvement…

You Must Stop Playing the Blame Game

I wanted to blame my wife, or someone—anyone but me. And I kept trying, but it didn’t work. It didn’t do any good. I mean, blame doesn’t save you or give you peace. And it doesn’t give you strength to keep going. Rather, the opposite is true. It sucks you dry.

I knew that I was the one who had trouble getting a job, staying with it, and earning a minimal living. I knew that I was the one who would quit and try out a business idea that didn’t do squat. I knew that I was the one always asking for help and bailouts. I knew that I was the reason the debts were piling up, despite having a master’s degree in Exercise Physiology. And I knew I gave up too easily.

So what about you? Is blame still your best friend? Are you dishing it out all the time, or are you the blame magnet? Are you the one squeezing it so tight you leave marks in it, even though everything good inside you keeps trying to pry it loose?

You Must End the Constant Complaining

When I was in that bad place, after my divorce, I couldn’t stop complaining. And three times a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, wasn’t enough. I’d complain all the time.

I don’t know about you, but when I think about something, I talk about it. And if I’m thinking and talking about every bad thing that’s happened, whether to me or anyone else, then I feel like crap. And it wears people down, including me.

So I’ve committed to stop complaining, and though I still slip up–I’ve told my wife I don’t want to complain anymore and trust me, she calls me on it—I certainly complain a lot less. Complaining is human, so you don’t have to beat yourself up when it happens.

On the flip side, I have learned that every time I start saying out loud everything I’m grateful for, even the littlest things, I start feeling better. I start smiling again. And I’d rather feel the goodness of gratitude than the garbage of complaining. Maybe it is time to let gratitude take its proper place again.

Sometimes You Must Do the Hard Things

I’ve always been a dreamer, with a desire to contribute in a big way and to work for myself. The idea of working for someone else, or doing something I didn’t want to do, especially something that seemed small, always created a big knot in my stomach.

Something needed to change. I needed to pay my own way and support my family more (what was left of it). I could work a job until I got something better (and that took me 25 years). And my first good paying job did come through—a government job. It paid the bills, helped my family, and I got back on my feet.

But it wasn’t fulfilling, and I knew I had so much more to contribute. I couldn’t stand the office politics. I tried to embrace the good that was there, but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t the fondest part of my life, but it got me where I am today. It got me a better life and a better life for my kids.

You know the best things in life don’t come easily. You might have to take a job you don’t like for a time. You might have to raise your kids alone for a time. You might have to be brutally honest about your weaknesses, and then do something about them. And you might have to date again, even if you’ve suffered heartbreak.

When the World Turns Again

My life has transformed significantly since those darkest days. I’ve found happiness in a new marriage, freed myself from debt, and am now pursuing my dreams with renewed vigor.

This journey has taught me the power of personal responsibility and the strength that lies within us to overcome adversity. When your life falls apart, it’s the realization that the power to rebuild rests with you, and taking action is the first step towards turning things around.

The post How to Find Strength to Keep Going When Your Life Falls Apart appeared first on Possibility Change.

“Whenever you see a successful person, you only see the public glories, never the private sacrifices to reach them.”

Embarking on the path to success in life can sometimes feel like navigating a vast, uncharted wilderness. With so many theories, strategies, and anecdotes about how to achieve our best life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of advice available. Yet, amid the noise, there are fundamental principles that consistently emerge as markers of true success. These aren’t quick fixes or trendy hacks, but deep-rooted fundamentals for success that have guided countless individuals to lead fulfilling and prosperous lives.

But what are these principles, and how can we apply them to our own lives? The aim here is to cut through the complexity and highlight five key fundamentals for success in life—time-tested truths that offer a clearer path forward. By focusing on these core principles, we’re not just chasing success; we’re building it from the ground up, crafting a life of purpose, joy, and achievement. Join us as we explore these foundational strategies, each offering a step towards a more successful and satisfying life.

1. Be Proactive

Viktor Frankl said that between stimulus and response, there is a gap, and within this gap lies all our freedom. Even as he was suffering immense privations in a Nazi concentration camp, he realized that he was responsible for his thoughts and actions and was not simply a bundle of conditioned responses.

Like Frankl, we should strive to be the creators of our own destiny, orchestrating our experience of life. Everything starts in the mind and ripples out, so what happens around us is a reflection of our own inner world. Whether we allow our inner world to grow wild, whether we let weeds spring up and take hold or whether we cultivate a green and pleasant garden – it is all our choice: this is what it means to be proactive.

2. Take Responsibility

Since we have the power to choose our experience, we also need to accept responsibility for this. Perhaps not that everything that comes our way is a direct result of our own thinking (though some might say it is) but what we attract into our life is, largely, a reflection of our thinking. Much of this occurs on a subconscious level, but the subconscious takes its lead from the thinking mind, so changing our thoughts will change our world, and we are responsible for this.

Our behavior is a natural outcome of our mental images, and so we are responsible for our behavior too, and also for the behavior we tolerate in others. If we allow others to ride roughshod over us, then we have ourselves to blame.

3. Be a Good Leader

We cannot be effective in any area of life unless we have good leadership skills. Leadership is an art and each of us needs to find our own approach to it. Primarily, we need to understand how to lead ourselves, and this means having a compass, a direction that guides all our actions. This compass often takes the form of a personal mission statement, a document spelling out the values we live by.

As we lead others, whether as parents, bosses, in families, or organizations of which we are a part, we need first and foremost to lead by example, making it clear what our values are and that we live by them. Any inconsistency in our professed values and our behavior will be spotted, seen through, and will ruin our effectiveness. Personal complicity and double standards are the nails in the coffin of our ability to lead.

4. Don’t Let Fear Stop You

I love the movies of M Night Shyamalan. My favorite is The Village. The film is about facing the fears that haunt us and realizing that, when we do so, they disappear – nothing is as it seems. I heard once (though I can’t remember where) that the most commonly given command in the Bible is ‘Do not be afraid.’

Whenever we grow, there is fear. Whenever we do something new, there is fear. Whenever we push ourselves to new heights or expand our comfort zone, there is fear. This is the nature of life. Life is always moving – either we are moving forward, growing, or we are moving back, dying. We have a choice – we can either grow or we can die. Growth and fear go hand in hand. It’s part of a package, and if we fail to embrace the whole package, we will die.

Don’t fear failure – failure is inevitable and necessary. Look at the life of any successful person and you will see a litany of failure. This failure is the foundation of success, so long as we learn from it.

Don’t fear other people. They are as vulnerable and as beautiful as you are – only sometimes they lash out in various ways to protect themselves. Everyone is doing their best, so be gentle with other people and don’t be scared of them.

When you face your fears, they will vanish like smoke.

5. Never Stop Learning

I have come to the conclusion that learning is the fundamental activity in a successful and purposeful life. If we fail to learn, we fail to grow, and this means that we die. Life gives us endless opportunities to learn, and the more difficult the situation, the more we are likely to learn.

We can learn from other people, especially difficult ones – they are like angels sent from heaven to teach us about ourselves. We can learn from the things happening around us. And most of all, we can learn by watching ourselves, seeing how we react, and reflecting deeply on what moves us.

In conclusion, understanding and integrating these five fundamentals for success into our daily lives paves the way for a journey filled with growth, purpose, and achievement. Whether it’s taking proactive steps to shape our destiny, embracing responsibility for our choices, honing our leadership skills, facing our fears head-on, or committing to lifelong learning, each principle offers a building block for constructing a fulfilling life.

As we navigate the complexities of our personal and professional endeavors, let these timeless truths guide us toward realizing our fullest potential and achieving enduring success in life.

The post 5 Fundamentals for Success in Life appeared first on Possibility Change.

When my daughter was seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college – my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, ‘You mean they forget?’

I’ve always been creative, for pretty much as long as I can remember. My childhood was filled with arts, crafts, and music, and every day was an exciting adventure of creation.

Somewhere along the way though I lost touch with my creative self. It happened slowly but surely, until one day I found myself at 21 years of age staring blankly at a computer screen filled with spreadsheets wondering what on earth I was doing.

I had just finished a business degree at uni and started my first full-time job. I’d landed a graduate position at a big insurance company straight out of my degree. It was something I had strived towards and worked incredibly hard for. But there I sat wondering how I got there.

My 9-5 Existence

I would go to work, sit in my cubicle, and do what I considered rather mundane and meaningless work five days a week 9 to 5. It was uninspiring, to say the least.

As I sat at my desk each day I would look around at all the other people in that big grey office. I was the youngest in my department by almost ten years and I wondered to myself where all the other people my age were. Out having fun, discovering themselves and their passions I assumed. In many cases I was correct.

Many of my own friends were out doing great things – studying their creative passions, starting bands, and going on exchange at uni to live in a new country for a year. The stark contrast with my own situation was confronting and thought-provoking.

The days were long, tedious, and mundane. Imagining myself working in that office, or others similar, for one year was painful enough, let alone a lifetime. Before long I decided that I needed to make a change.

The Seeds of Change

I started looking into my options to do something I would really enjoy. Not as a new career, but rather a hobby. Something that might relieve me of the boredom of my day job and stimulate the senses.

I had always had the creative spark, though it was something I had fallen more and more out of touch with in the previous few years. One thing I had developed an interest in recently though was sewing, and with that in mind, I decided to enroll in a short sewing course at my local community college. It was only a five-week course but it sparked my interest and got my confidence up to think bigger.

Rediscovering My Creativity

As I dreamed bigger, I imagined the possibilities. I began looking into local college courses for Fashion Design and just a few months later I was enrolling in a part-time design course. I attended night classes after work two nights a week and although it was exhausting it got me through what was otherwise a rather mundane existence. I looked forward to the creative outlet and I learnt so much.

I learned how to sew, drape, make patterns, design, illustrate, and more. It was stimulating and fun. I felt so engaged and excited for this work. In fact, it was pretty much the complete opposite of how I felt when doing my work at the insurance company. That work drained me. It left me feeling unfulfilled and exhausted. In contrast, my fashion design work lifted me up. It gave me energy, enthusiasm, and joy.

I spent the next year struggling away at my job at the insurance company.

As it became clearer that fashion was what I wanted to do full-time, the reality of my day-to-day work became harder. Sometimes it brought me to tears. Most of the time though it just left me feeling completely flat. No energy, no motivation, and zero fulfillment.

Deciding to Leave It All Behind

I knew I needed to make this a bigger change, but I was scared. I had invested years of my life into my dream of working in the business world. I had strived towards it at school and throughout university. To throw it all away felt like I would be letting down myself and everyone around me who had helped me get there.

Before long though, I received the push I needed. My ultimate salvation came during a company restructure. It was 2009, right in the middle of the Global Financial Crisis and my company was one of many cutting staff. Hundreds lost their jobs and there were tears and uncertainty over the future for many of the people I worked with. The layoffs came slowly, and secretly, though with some guilt, I hoped I would be next.

The Push I Needed

One morning my manager called me into her office to break the news to me. I too was to be retrenched. I tried to hold in my excitement, but it was my out – the push I so badly needed. I was secretly overjoyed.

I gladly accepted and I knew at that moment what I was to do. That very day I contacted the college where I was studying to see if I could study my design course full-time. Luckily there was a spot and over the next year and a half, I would study Fashion Design full-time and get my Diploma.

Following My Heart

The last few years have been exciting because I’ve been following my heart to do what I love. Leaving my work at the insurance company wasn’t my clear-cut to a creative life. In fact, the last few years have seen me in and out of the business world to varying degrees, often for necessity’s sake.

Every time I have been back for a short stint it has only convinced me further that doing what I am doing is the absolute right thing for me. At every point over the last few years, I have had my new goal guiding me – to live creatively every day and do what I love.

Living the Change Every Day

Today I am living a creative life every day as the designer of my own fashion label and the founder and writer of a blog on all things creative. The journey hasn’t always been easy or clear-cut, but I’m so glad I’m here.

Sometimes it’s hard to make a change. We often feel we have invested so much in our current situation that to make the switch would be to waste everything we have put in up to that point. I believe though that when you know at your very core that what you are doing is not right, it’s time.

I’m so glad I set the wheels of change in motion with that very small first step because it has led me to where I am today.

Have you made a change to live a more creative life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

The post My Journey Back to Creativity appeared first on Possibility Change.

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.

For many years I wrote in secret. I would only put pen to paper when the lights were dim, when everyone around me was asleep.

Also, I wrote when no one was home, I made sure that I was alone because I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to be questioned and I didn’t want anyone interested in what I was doing.

In hiding, I filled up journals with words of heartbreak, poetry, love, laughter, inspiration… anything that was bubbling to the surface.

Those notebooks were mirrors of my truth.

I threw them out. I violently ripped out the ink-covered pages.

I was terrified of anyone reading them. I worried what they would think of me if they really knew me.

I worried about judgment, about being misunderstood, about being truly known.

All those words, all that truth, was destroyed because of my own fear.

What happened when I destroyed my writing was I became further disconnected from my own story, became disconnected from my own truth. I was unsure of my expression and I was unsure of myself.

Over time, I felt fragmented; I felt that the me I presented to others was a contrived version of myself. I was a people-pleaser. I made sure to stand up strong on a foundation of persona that reflected how I thought I would be most accepted and loved.

When I met people and they asked about who I was, what I believed in, or what I did, I said something vague and cliché. I eagerly changed the subject back onto them. I became disconnected from my own words, from my own uniqueness, from my own power.

I was unhappy, insecure, and uninspired.

We Block Ourselves from Living the Life We Want

At the core was a fear of what it would mean to shine brightly. To shine with my story, my truth, and my words. It was safer to play small because then I was safe from judgment, from attention, from being seen, from vulnerability.

When we share our creative selves and authentically express our truth, we are raw and vulnerable. This is extremely powerful but also can be extremely frightening.

However, if we allow fear of this power to take over, if we shy away from sharing our stories, or if we keep expressing ourselves from the sidelines, slowly but surely we become disconnected from our creative selves. We become disconnected from our uniqueness and vibrancy.

When we express ourselves we materialize our truth, we materialize our authenticity. This can initiate fear, it can stir up the part of us that wants us to be small.

However, this fear is an illusion, but it can also be a gift.  This gift comes from shifting our perception to seeing that fear suggests we are getting closer to our highest truth.

The One Change That Changed Everything

One day when I was tearing out the pages of my notebooks, I tried to tear out too many at one time. They wouldn’t rip.

I became frustrated, trying to tear them with all my strength. They still wouldn’t rip.

As I looked down, I felt a pit in my stomach. It hit me what I was doing.

I was perpetuating fear, I was disconnecting further from who I was and the tool I was given to express myself.

I saw the piles of torn-up words and realized I had enough to begin a book, enough to possibly help or inspire someone. My healing was now in shards, lying in ruin.

In that moment it hit me that I was a writer. I thought the words to myself, “I am a writer.” Then I said them out loud. My whole being lit up. I lit up with love, with truth, with expansion, with a wonderful feeling of effortlessness.

In that instant, I felt like I was a train, and the tracks that were going in different directions clicked into place. I was now aligned with my destiny.

For the first time, I was able to see my light and I was able to feel and touch the power of my words.

I named myself a writer. I could feel the writer in me breathing deeply.

Slowly but surely I began writing in coffee shops, jotting down notes when out with friends, writing before bed, and when traveling. Writing became part of my routine; became part of who I am.

Now when talking with new people I proudly share that I am a writer. When I do, I feel confident, joyful and inspired. I am speaking my truth.

Stand Strongly in Who You Are and in Your Gifts

I believe that we all have a medium of expression that holds energy for us. It is the form that we go to when in our darkest hours; it is our soul’s medicine.

Maybe you are connected to music, writing, art, being in nature, dance, cooking, or yoga.  Notice the energy this gift holds for you. Does it bring up excitement, fear, love, resistance, or peace?

Know this is all energy. When we are charged, we have an opportunity to harness this energy and make beautiful positive change, for ourselves and others.

Look at the ways your inner light shines through when you express it in this way. Notice thought patterns that may hold you back and may be blocking your light from expressing itself fully.

Connect to it honestly.

Name it.

Call yourself a dancer, a yogi, a writer, a musician. Integrate this into your identity, into who you are. Love this part of yourself. Honor it.

This is your destiny.

Identifying your creative self will send a jolt through your bones, asking you to stand more confidently, happily, and lovingly.

With each day remind yourself of your story, your expression, your identity. Remind yourself who you are and give this part of you a nod of gratitude. Nurture this part of yourself and you will help nurture others to do the same.

What is your truth? Name it in the comments below.

The post One Simple Change to Live a Happy and Empowered Life appeared first on Possibility Change.

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.

I was trapped behind my ambition.

I knew the supreme importance of exercise and how it would benefit me so much, and yet I couldn’t do it consistently. I’d often think, “I can’t do my 30-minute workout today because [excuse]. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The benefits we gain from exercising are unreal. When you exercise, you improve your health, circulation, body, stress levels, moods, mental sharpness, willpower, libido, and more. Singling out any one of those makes exercise an exciting and worthwhile pursuit, but we get them all.

Knowing the Benefits Isn’t Enough

Why is it some people can have knowledge of the serious risks from smoking and the out-of-this-world benefits of exercise, and still choose to smoke and rarely exercise? The allure of bad habits is one thing, but another problem is that they are both so important.

Counterintuitively, life’s most important things can make us turn away because important means “don’t mess this up,” and that scares us. And so we’ll think, “if I can’t do this right, I won’t do it at all.” We may not think this consciously, but it’s the underlying idea behind many cases of inaction. It’s a combination of perfectionism and intimidation.

I know this because I used to live this way.

It was this same story in every area of my life that really mattered to me. I avoided the important things in favor of that which mattered less; something that I couldn’t fail at. Realizing this was the key to turning my life around, and it can do the same for you.

How to Turn Your Life Around Right Now

If you’re in a rough patch, you need exercise. Those benefits I listed above are SO real, and you’ll find that when you take care of your body, a lot of other things fall into place. But if you want to never fail to exercise again, you can’t go the usual way of “I’m gonna DO THIS!”

You have to make exercise more like playing video games or watching TV. After all, these are likely the things you find easiest to spend your time on.

But how? How do you make exercising like watching TV? Here are some suggestions:

1. Devalue Exercise

The first thing to do is devalue it. Treat it casually to make it approachable. Exercise isn’t better than you. It’s not an untouchable, exclusive thing only for people with 4% body fat. It basically means moving your body around. If you flailed your limbs for 2 minutes, that’s exercise.

Don’t see exercise as some golden ticket that’s going to save your life (even though it can). Act like it’s just something to mess around with, in the sense that you’d do a push-up randomly for no reason, just like you probably watch random YouTube videos for no reason.

There actually is entertainment value in viewing your life this way, too. It’s funny to drop in the middle of Walmart and crank out a few push-ups. This type of public display might not suit everyone.

2. Destroy Your Concept of a Workout

Second, destroy your concept of a workout. A workout isn’t 30 minutes long. A workout doesn’t only happen at the gym. A workout is dancing to your favorite song as you eat a doughnut. A workout is 3 push-ups in the morning. Reject the idea that an activity isn’t big enough. Reject the idea that eating a doughnut means you’ve “chosen the dark side” and means you can’t exercise at the same time.

Right now, raise your arms up and move them around a little bit. That’s exercise. If you struggle with exercise, it’s because you’ve put it on a pedestal; you’ve made it untouchable; you’ve incorrectly assumed that it’s too hard for you.

3. Mess Around With It

Third, commit to “messing around” with exercise every day. You don’t have to be a hero, you just have to move a bit. Easy. Simple.

This Is Obtainable, and Not Insignificant

I’m in great shape now. I can do 8 pull-ups with 10 pounds tied to my waist (or 16 in a row without). Before this, I could only do 4 or 5 pull-ups without extra weight. Want to know my secret? Want to hear about it all began?

I did one push-up per day, every day. This was my “stupid” and “meaningless” beginning that evolved into the elusive gym habit I had wanted for years. After six months of doing one push-up per day, I was shocked to see how my brain had changed. I was able to make the leap to going to the gym 3-5x per week, doing full workouts. I’ve been doing this for 11 months straight now.

If you’re in the middle of another one of your motivation struggles to “really do it this time” and stick to your massive life-changing goal, please stop. Let it go. Drop your “life-changing plan” that hasn’t ever changed your life and adopt this one, which really can change your life.

The reason people can’t change is usually because they want so badly to change. If this is you, give yourself a break and drop the guilt. You were never the problem—your strategy was. How can you be the problem? You’re just going to be yourself. The variable is what strategy you use.

It’s mathematical why we fail to reach our fitness goals. Strong desire causes us to set goals beyond our willpower strength (which is limited, but can be strengthened). This limits progress to the short term. Short-term change is worthless. If it doesn’t last, the strategy was flawed.

What This Can Do For You

The goal with this is twofold: to do something that you can do forever and change the way you look at exercise.

By viewing exercise in a playful, unintimidating, and “this is too easy” kind of way, you’re going to change your brain’s relationship with exercise. My brain prefers exercise now. Before, it was a huge battle to get myself to the gym.

I tell you this with great eagerness and sincerity because I know this is the way. I’ve written a book about it called Mini Habits which is highly acclaimed and changing lives as I type this. The basis of the book is how these small, but consistent actions can decrease resistance over time by becoming habitual.

We Have the Luxury of Choosing Our Challenges.

What if you never lost again? What if you always hit or exceeded your targets?

To exercise consistently, change what “exercise” means by aiming for a small target you can’t possibly miss. If you’re truly not satisfied with that small amount, you can do more. I rarely only did one push-up. Aim for the sure win first, and then go to war. And just like that, you’ll convince your stubborn brain to exercise.

The post The Embarrassing Way I Got Into the Best Shape Of My Life appeared first on Possibility Change.

Find out who you are and do it on purpose.

Embarking on a journey from self-neglect to self-respect taught me the critical importance of setting boundaries. It was a transformative process that not only helped me reclaim my life but also allowed me to understand and advocate for my own needs.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family system with emotional abuse and neglect. I quickly learned to stay small, even invisible, and put others’ needs ahead of my own. I grew up feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, like something was wrong with me, a fatal flaw.

In high school, I discovered the power of alcohol to heal my feelings of discomfort and deficiency. Suddenly, I said all the right things, met all the right people and could share my thoughts and feelings.

My alcohol dependency worsened when I married someone who confirmed my belief there was something wrong with me. His constant criticisms and emotional neglect felt like home to me and I stayed married to him for more than ten years.

When the marriage ended, I began a journey away from self-abandonment. Less than a year later, I faced my alcohol abuse problem and entered a recovery program.

I learned that addiction recovery is much more than stopping drinking. It’s about getting honest and digging deep to understand yourself and acknowledge what you’ve been through and how that impacts your behavior.

It was there that I learned how to implement healthy boundaries in my life. Before that, I thought I owed everyone whatever they wanted from me. I did not feel I had the right to say no to anything.

Slowly, I realized it’s not selfish to set boundaries or remove toxic people from your life. Here are three things I learned about setting boundaries that surprised me:

1. Setting boundaries is authentic.

It means being clear about what you want and don’t want. It’s honoring to both yourself and the people around you. People aren’t mind readers. That’s why you need to explicitly communicate your needs and limits.

“People-pleasing” sounds nice, but it’s a form of deception because you’re not being honest about what you want. You internalize that self-abandonment and do things like drinking or eating too much to try and feel better.

2. Setting boundaries increases confidence. 

My confidence grew as my choices aligned more with my desires than trying to please other people. My opinion about myself changed when I stopped putting myself last and began to prioritize my own needs and communicate them clearly to others.

When you set healthy boundaries, you begin to believe your needs matter. As you fulfill those needs, you rely less on unhealthy coping mechanisms to feel okay. And you feel better about yourself in the process.

3. Setting boundaries helps you discover your values.

When I got more intentional about how I spent my time and energy, my values became clear to me. As I focused more on doing things that fulfilled me, I used those values to help me make decisions that would keep me on track for the life I wanted.

As a result, I spent time on things and people that made me feel most like myself. In the process I gained clarity over what mattered most to me, and those weren’t material things.

Knowing my values has helped me live a more intentional life, one aligned with my passion to share knowledge about healing from childhood trauma. Rather than hiding my past, now I use it as a way to reach others.

I no longer react to life but am actively creating one I love. I’ve made intentional choices to use my gifts to serve others and to live simply and compassionately.

In the past, I’d wake up dreading each day because it meant merely surviving and getting through. I knew my needs would take a back seat to what I thought everyone else wanted.

Now I wake up excited at the prospect of another day doing what lights me up and makes me feel authentic. This transformation has been largely due to my commitment to setting boundaries and advocating for my own needs.

Healthy boundaries have helped me create a life aligned with my values and purpose. Have you experienced the power of setting boundaries? How has that made a difference in your life? Please share your experiences with setting boundaries in the comments section below.

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