The Cheesepaper

Instant replay in baseball

2013-08-16T20:15:00.001-07:00

This morning, it happened.

I nearly fell off the shitter when I read that the MLB is instituting instant replay starting in 2014. I was relieving myself of a night's worth of solids reading the news on my phone and I almost fell off. Swear to God.

I'm going to get a lot of crap for this but I'm going to say it: I hate football. I understand it's this grand game wherein one player is the main thrower, there's a kicker, and people score touchdowns and shit but do you know what happens for 90% of that game? No? I'll tell you what. Referees staring at goddamn instant replay screens trying to decide what the perfect call is.

Baseball is already a slow game. Why slow it down with getting every call just perfect?

If you're a sports fan you remember two types of moments in sports: the time your team won the big game and the time the big game was stolen from you. That's a beautiful thing. When a game comes down to one call, one out, one safe... you start to appreciate the human element to competitive sports.

Have we become so intolerant of mistakes that we must review every possible mistake to ensure the perfect game was called? Have we become so dependent on machines to interpret data that we can't trust our own fucking eyes? Sure, there'll be bad calls and there'll be good calls and there'll be calls that are so damn close that there's no way to truly know. That's the beauty of it. There's uncertainty. Let the umps call the games - they're an integral part of it. I'd rather have a human being make a bad call than an umpire staring at an endless video loop of a nano second of a disputed call to get it perfect.

Perfection is overrated.

I, for one, enjoy saying things like, "Is that umpire blind? What the Hell? Get your eyes checked, fatty!" when I'm watching a baseball game.

My Talking Dog now up on the Slagdrop!

2013-04-25T16:30:00.002-07:00

Howdy, folks.

My story, "My Talking Dog," is now up for your enjoyment on the Slagdrop. Click here to hear it, read it, and enjoy the illustrations by Todd Mein.

I had a good time recording this one. I made a theme song for it, played me some guitar, some ukulele, and some singing. Hope you enjoy it.

Longbrief Vacation from the Cheese. I'm back.

2013-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. Last time I posted I wrote about a cop-family killer and now he's dead.

There's your update.

I've been hard at work on a new project called The Slagdrop. If you click that name, it'll take you to our site.

Basically what we're trying to do is marry many art forms into a website designed to get short stories heard. It's a "collective" more than a traditional magazine where many people can submit (although we are going to be quickly transitioning into that).

Why are we doing this?

The whole world has changed. Means of distribution have been diluted so much that artists rarely get paid for their work unless they're getting published in the New Yorker. The short story, a form that Americans love but a form that writers can't generally make a living off of (except for George Saunders), is extremely hard to place and most small presses don't pay a damn thing for the honor of showcasing them.

While we can't pay much, the plan is to have a site run on donations. Writers will get pretty token payments as an appreciation for allowing us to have their story. All stories, with few exceptions, will be recorded as an mp3 so readers can become listeners and engage with the story anywhere they want. Download it, listen to it while you exercise or run, sit in your car in traffic; you will not be limited to sitting in front of your computer and staring at a screen to enjoy the story.

We're planning big things. We have a live show coming on May 25th. We want to publish an anthology with a download code for the mp3 album of every story in the book. We want to take the show on the road.

All of this can be done by sharing our page and encouraging people to donate.

To make things really easy, here are individual links to every story published so far:

http://slagdrop.com/home/2013/04/10/kim-jong-il/ - The Miraculous Life of Kim Jong-il

http://slagdrop.com/home/2013/04/04/two-cowboys-settle-a-dispute/ - Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute

http://slagdrop.com/home/2013/03/01/ticket-to-nowhere/ - Ticket to Nowhere

http://slagdrop.com/home/2013/04/05/fecal-matter-in-the-water-cortin-a-zelaznog/ - Fecal Matter in the Water

Christopher Dorner

2013-02-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

I've sat back and watched people comment on this story for about a week now but I do feel it's time to say something as it hits close to home. I grew up in the same town that Christopher Dorner is from.

Chris Dorner is no hero.

He's a cold-blooded murderer.

I see people saying, "It's good that somebody's taking out the trash." I don't know that I'd be saying that if I was the daughter of a lawyer who had "wronged" Dorner. I don't know that I'd be saying that if I was the fiancee of the daughter of the lawyer. I wouldn't be saying that if I were those two because those two are dead. Shot in the back of the head in cold blood. Two people who had probably never met Dorner, probably never knew his name, probably never knew he even existed. He knew they existed because he is a predator, plain and simple.

The world owes Dorner nothing.

If his cause were righteous, there would be no innocent blood spilled. He could have pursued legal means, he could have pursued media attention, instead he chose violence.

I see plenty of anti-war liberals saying that Dorner has a "point." Your bullshit has now been called. Our governments are reflections of our societies so if you're against war and violence, it's time to start speaking out against it in your own country, in your own states, in your own cities. We will never have peace on a global scale without peace on a community scale.

The LAPD are no angels. They are brutal at times, they deserve to be called out and cleaned out through legal means, but if you are crying out against one instance of police brutality and you go around targeting innocent people, you have NO moral argument. You are every bit as bad as the enemies you are warring against.

Every mad man has a manifesto that he believes absolves him of all guilt for his actions. The joke's on you if you fall for that.

Why is it that some people are so quick to take this guy at his word? Do we know what actually happened? I suspect these are people who simply hate cops and want to see as many dead cops as possible regardless of who's doing it.

This is not the "cool" opinion to have but, here's a newsflash, cops are human beings. They have families, they have people who love and hate them, they hate and love just as anybody else. Not every cop is crooked. So enough of this bullshit. This guy got fired over circumstances that are largely unknown to the public. We only have one side of the story and that side is coming from a guy who supports gun control but is going around shooting people vaguely connected to his troubles with guns. He wrote a 20 page manifesto that, at one point, compliments the First Lady's new hairstyle. If you take that kind of shit at its word the first time you hear it, you need to strengthen your bullshit detectors.

The LAPD isn't a shining beacon on a hill. They shot up a truck that matched the suspect's and two innocent ladies were shot. They do need to clean house and treat their citizens better. Christopher Dorner is not the man to lead that charge. He is a cold blooded murderer and I have absolutely no sympathy for him. He has no honor and he believes the world owes him something because he believes he is something more than the world.

New Yorker Caption Contest

2013-02-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

I demand to be looked at.

He complained that I cut off his sideburns so I straight up killed him.

North Korea's karaoke video from Hell

2013-02-05T07:24:00.002-08:00

North Korea has officially stooped to cyber bullying which is the only resort for cowards and leaders who steal food from their people to spend money on shitty karaoke videos proclaiming that they will destroy the United States.

The North Korean government is not legitimate. It is a rabid dog kept on a long leash by China because China does not want a flood of refugees if the North Korean government fails.

I'm starting to doubt that the North Koreans even have a working nuclear weapon. Most countries don't make music videos threatening other countries with them. Most countries threaten other countries by the simple virtue that they have them. I don't know which apocalyptic meltdown scenario I prefer.

When the history of Earth is written by space aliens from the Pleiades, will they say that civilization was destroyed by a man who loves American music and making 3am call spoof music videos?

There are no solutions to this problem. We labeled North Korea part of the Axis of Evil, then we attacked Iraq. Iran and North Korea took note: The United States only attacks countries without nuclear weapons. They did the logical thing and pursued a weapons program.

The difference between Iran and North Korea is that Iran is actually a semi-responsible government ruling over a country that is well-educated and has the most web-connected citizens in their region. It is not in Iran's interest to blow up other countries because they do business with quite a few of them.

North Korea is the Cartman of the world. It demands to be fed because they can't feed themselves. Other nations, nations that North Korea threatens with destruction on a daily basis, sends food meant for their starving people. Most of that food is stolen by the ruling class in Pyongyang while the rest of North Korea starves. North Korea has no interest in the consequences of nuclear war. They have no consequences; they're already the most isolated nation in the world that is driven by a cult-worship of one family. There are no ideals behind their rhetoric. The Kim dynasty is in power for power's sake and nothing else.

And the world can't do a damn thing about it because North Korea has nuclear weapons and they will use them if backed into a corner of life-and-death.

What's wrong with Burger King horse meat?

2013-02-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

The only time I have ever been to a Burger King is during a lunch rush and the Burger King is right next to a McDonald's whose drive-thru line wraps around the building a few times so I'm no Burger King expert. Now that Burger King is in the news in a big way, I thought I'd comment.

Horse meat ain't so bad. It's even better when it's mixed in with beef. The only reason we are disgusted with eating horse meat is because we are used to seeing horses as majestic animals that little people ride on for money in Kentucky. If horses possessed special skills besides farting and mooing, we'd be disgusted by their meat too.

Fun Fact: You cannot ride a horse through Burger King drive-thrus.

Horse meat is higher in protein and lower in fat and nobody noticed a difference in taste until somebody tested the meat. Who cares? Any fast food burger pales in comparison to a real barbecued one, why not leave it up to the gods whether there's any other kind of meat in there?

If McDonald's was Jack in the Box, they'd capitalize on this. They'd have billboards that say, "NO HORSES HARMED." McDonald's is not. McDonald's maintains a sterile and safe advertising strategy. This has worked wonders for them. I'm lovin' it.

Fun Fact: Horse riders warm their buns on horses before they eat them.

When I was but a lad, my father used to say Jack in the Box tacos were made out of kangaroo meat. He didn't like Jack in the Box and this was done to gross us kids out. It didn't.

"If this is kangaroo meat, I fuckin' prefer it," I said seconds before a fresh bar of Irish Spring hit my mouth.

We're eating crap anyways. Horse meat is legal everywhere and was only made legal in the United States recently because Americans can't get over eating their friends. The issue should be that Burger King is mislabeling their meats, not that they're expanding our tastes to a more exotic palette.

Look, I've eaten a gator sausage. Alligators can be cute and cuddly but, god damn, chunk them up into a sausage and I'm salivating.

Listen, I don't want to beat a dead horse too much but you've got to tenderize it.

The worst part of Rick Perry's State of the State Address

2013-01-30T10:35:00.002-08:00

Particularly.

Granted, particularly is a particularly hard word to say clearly. It's much harder than nuclear.

Rick Perry says particularly like his tongue had just spent five hours licking cocaine out of a coyote's asshole.

He said something about the rainy day fund and using funds to fix Texas' water situation. That was good.

He said something about education funding.

He said something about how Texas doesn't fund art at all but it's thriving. Which is true on both points. Not lying there.

But, dammit, he said particularly in a particularly peculiar manner and I just couldn't hear anything else.

Manti Te'o and a big glass of who cares?

2013-01-23T12:22:00.003-08:00

Manti Te'o, noted Hawaiian and phoniest Mormon since Mitt Romney, is on everyone's hearts and minds these days.

Was the poor guy duped by a sociopath friend?

Was the poor guy a sociopath who used a fake girlfriend's death as a way to get into shilling for Best Buy commercials?

Who cares? Really, who cares?

Manti Te'o (left) and his girlfriend (right).

I didn't know who Manti Te'o was until someone asked me, "What do you think of Manti Te'o getting duped?"

I stared with a blank face for a few minutes then asked, "How do you spell that?" and searched it. BAM! There's more on it then there is on Lance Armstrong.

He's not kissing little kids. He's not killing people. He's just playing with imaginary friends that he may or may not have been aware that they were imaginary. He's either naive or stupid. I'm betting stupid.

In other news, America kills some people with flying death machines and Facebook launched a new search engine! Is Google jealous? Find out next time on every fucking channel that exists.

Bar patio smoking ban

2013-01-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's come to this.

Austin is mulling whether or not to ban outdoor smoking at bars and restaurants. Fine. Ban it at restaurants. I could care less.

I was listening to KUT this morning and the joker who wants this thing to pass says banning outdoor smoking is for child safety. That's a valid point at restaurants. It's not at bars.

First step to strengthening child safety: don't bring your kids to bars.

Nobody walks into a bar thinking I am going to be super healthy here.

What happens inside a bar? Drinking. No smoking. What happens on the bar's patio? Drinking and smoking. You don't like smoke, be an adult and go inside or go home. Don't legislate legal behavior out of existence.

Those same restaurants that you want to be healthier? Tell them to stop serving kids platefuls of french fries and to stop encouraging unlimited refills on soda.

I don't mind businesses choosing whether or not they want to allow outdoor smoking on their premises. That's within their rights. But to send a law like this from on high is idiotic.

Ban it at restaurants. Don't ban it where adults congregate under the dubious claim that it's to protect "the children."

I bet you these people wear Livestrong bracelets, too.

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: OSCAR NOMINATIONS EDITION

2013-01-10T07:59:00.002-08:00

It's Oscar time again which means all of Hollywood is suiting up for the year's biggest circle jerk! Lube is selling out in the millions and Angelenos can hardly get a hand on a box of Kleenex. Let's go through each picture nominated, one by one, and predict who's going to go home with a hard one and who's going home on a depression fueled drug bender.

Amour: No American has seen this film but it's here to show the world America kind of cares what's going on in the rest of the world but not really. Look, we elected Obama twice. We're not total imbeciles but do we have to prove it to you every year by nominating some foreign flick that moves at a mile per minute and says nothing in English? Be on the lookout for Amour 3D, though. I hear the subtitles really jump out at you.

Life of Pi: Any movie that's billed as a coming of age story that takes place almost entirely with the protagonist in solitude that doesn't include a ton of masturbation is just one fucking lie.

Argo: Ben Affleck gets to portray a hero in his own movie again. We've seen it all before. Ben Affleck can't close his mouth all the way which leads me to conclude he's a mouth breather. Ben Affleck plays the same role every time: Ben Affleck with slightly different hair styles. This time, the hair style was a beard but it was too well trimmed and manicured. Unbelievable.

Lincoln: If I wanted to see a movie about the greatest president ever I'd be waiting for the one about George W. Bush.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: This is the Academy's answer to including a foreign film. Let's just pick this movie that made no sense and nobody saw and everyone will think American film making is experiencing a revival. I've got news for you, movie-about-a-young-person-on-the-water, Life of Pi had better special effects so it's going to win.

Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper is a pupil in the Keanu Reeves school of acting. Ryan Reynolds is also in that school. If Ryan Reynolds is Keanu Reeves without the personality, what is Bradley Cooper? Bradley Cooper is Ryan Reynolds without the paycheck. At least Ryan Reynolds gets to play super heroes and gets a fat check for appearing on a box of french fries. What does Bradley Cooper have? Playing a public school teacher in 90% of the movies he makes.

Bradley Cooper doing an impression of every public school teacher I've ever known.

Django Unchained: What is there to say about Django Unchained that hasn't yet been said? It's an ass-number. If movies continue this trend of being 2+ hours long, I'm just going to quit watching movies. That's the end of it. I can think of one scene that stuck out like a sore thumb in this movie and if it would've been cut, the movie would have been just under 2 hours and I wouldn't be here typing with one hand and applying Preparation H with the other.

Zero Dark Thirty: A racist exploitation film.

Les Miserables: Why do people feel the need to make musicals out of novels? You don't seem that miserable when you're whistling while you work. You seem downright happy when you're breaking into song and dance while you're eating pigeon droppings and sewing up the holes in your boots.

Obviously, folks, nothing is going to win this year just like nobody won the Pulitzer Prize in fiction last year. The crop is just too crappy.

Fuck AIG

2013-01-09T09:00:00.002-08:00

Sometimes it's hard coming up with a post title but this one was easy as all Hell.

AIG is a collective of fuckers. They spend their days sucking each other's toes while masturbating and cleaning up their mess with $200 billion worth of dollar bills provided by the American taxpayer.

How great would it be to tank the economy, be bailed out by the taxpayer, and then turn around and sue the taxpayer for the terms being unfair?

They're goddamn right it was unfair. It was unfair to bail their asses out while hard working citizens can't find jobs. They got a sweet deal. Take it and grovel at our feet. Instead their dropping their boxers and taking a shit all over us.

All that being said, they're just thinking about joining a lawsuit saying the terms of the bailout were unfair. For them to even consider that kind of bullshit is a joke.

We let massive banks loot the treasury and poor people still have to beg to get $200 worth of food stamps a month. It's a joke.

FUCK AIG.

Say what you will, proletariat, I'm wiping my ass with this tonight!

RIP Huell Howser.

2013-01-07T15:52:00.002-08:00

Few television figures can incite as many feelings of nostalgia and sadness as Huell Howser can. He died today and, although I am no longer a Californian and no longer paid much attention to his show, I am deeply saddened.

Huell Howser hosted a few shows about California. He'd visit weird places and interview people and he had this natural curiosity about everything. His joy was contagious. For god's sake, this guy got excited about everything. This was not some TV ruse, either. Huell was the real, happy-go-lucky deal.

There was a radio show called Conway and Steckler and they'd play Huell Howser clips and make fun of it. This was actually part of the fun of Huell's show. His child-like happiness and wonder was something to scorn and laugh at but truly, everyone I know loved Huell like crazy.

When I was a kid I saw his show as something only old person watched. I still would catch it every now and then but as I got older I appreciated it more. We lose our interest in new things as we get age and dance in sandwich costumes for the grand opening of a Subway for $6.75 an hour. Huell gave us an hour to empty our minds and be awed, not only by the quirky stuff he did but, by the way he reacted to it. Huell provided some real squeaky clean fun that wasn't available anywhere else.

"I've never seen a dog eat avocados."

I haven't either, Huell. Not until your show at least.

I'm sure the afterlife is blowing your mind.

Introverts, shut up about being introverts

2013-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

That book Quiet came out and now all the introverts won't shut up about themselves.

Everyday on Facebook, there's a new photo with text superimposed about being an introvert or, there's a new quiz result displaying that the person who's posting results is, indeed, an introvert. It's become the en vogue thing for latte sipping, NPR listeners.

I don't think bragging and putting on display your introversion matches the character trait.

It's fine to be an introvert. Hell, it's even fine for you to label yourself one. But to do so almost every fucking day, multiple times a day, reminds me of a child begging to be noticed at a family Christmas gathering by standing up in the middle of the room and belting out Jingle Bells in the style of Whitney Houston. You're special, we get it. The adults just want to drink egg nog.

Here's the thing, you who beg to be recognized as different and special by constantly reminding us you're introverted: you're not introverted. You're an unappreciated and ignored extrovert. Don't mistake introversion with being loud and everyone tuning you out. You don't have to prove just how introverted you are, doing so proves the opposite.

Hey, now. You're still special and hey, I noticed you! Here, take this Whitney Houston video for comfort:

A new year

2013-01-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

2012 came and went like a kidney stone. It built itself up, lodged itself in your urethra, and then came out in a bloody and satisfying fashion.

The world didn't end in 2012 despite the media building up every stupid doomsday prediction. I think there were four. Maybe the world did end and we all just slipped into another dimension without even knowing it, man.

Anyway, I've let this blog develop cobwebs in December. It ain't going to be that way in 2013.

You know how sometimes you can just tell that you don't need to do something? Whenever I see a band fronted by a guy with a goatee, I know I don't need to listen or pay attention. It saves me time and annoyance. Some of you will say, it's about the music, not the looks. Yeah, well I can just tell that a guy under 50 who decides a goatee is a good look is not the kind of person I want to hear music from. A bass player can do it. A lead singer can't.

The top five posts of 2012 were:

Operation Offend Arizona, Day 2: From the Comments 5218 views

The Black Keys and why they suck 3904 views

Unmanned drones over America 623 views

Technological breakthrough 595 views

Wherein I examine laughter over the internet 317 views

My favorite comment of the past year was this gem in response to The Black Keys and why they suck:

G. B. MillerMay 15, 2012 3:19 AMDid someone give you a turban wedgie and got your panties in bunch today?
Is your musical speed Justin Beiber, et al and the other nonsensical garbage that the record companies peddle to people such as yourself?
Because this post sounds like a whiny petulant little child wrote it.
Must suck to be such a "open" minded indvidual.

I don't even know what a turban wedgie entails but I love how once I make fun of a band this gentleman likes, he assumes I must be a Justin Beiber fan. A Belieber, as they say. No way, dawg, I'm a huge Justin Guarini fan.

Here's to a new Justin Guarini Old Navy jingle in 2013. The Cheese lives on!

The NRA, the 1st Amendment, and the 2nd Amendment

2012-12-20T14:42:00.002-08:00

I'm not one of those people who doesn't acknowledge that the 2nd Amendment exists. It does, we live with it. The right to bear arms isn't a free-for-all, though.

I can't get anti-aircraft weapons. That's good. I can't get a bazooka. I can't get a tank. These are all reasonable restrictions.

The chatter right now is that the NRA is poised to blame video games and the entertainment industry for the violent culture they've created that's contributed to mass shootings.

This is ridiculous.

Just because the 20 year old man who killed innocent people played video games does not mean that video games are at fault. I can tell you right now that an Xbox controller makes a terrible weapon.

The 1st Amendment comes absolute first for a reason: it is the most important one to a successful democracy. The video game industry self polices itself quite fine, actually. I have a full beard and am obviously too old to be asked for ID before I buy a Mature rated video game but guess what? I get carded. In fact, I get carded more for purchasing a video game than I do for buying alcohol. Why is that? It's because the video game industry polices retailers and educates retailers about the rating system so that little kids can't easily buy a shoot 'em up.

Why can't the NRA look itself in the mirror and agree that similar restrictions should be applied to guns? Responsible gun ownership implies hoops to jump through. A video game is not a weapon. It is an artistic expression sold for pleasure. It's intent is to entertain. A gun's intent is to kill or destroy.

I've met many responsible gun owners. When I was in the Midwest, I went to a shooting range that was closed. The gentleman who manned the store told us that the first rule of a gun is, "Do not point it at something in which you do not intend to kill or destroy." That tells you right there the implied uses of a gun.

For the NRA to presumably come out swinging against the 1st Amendment as if it is an integral piece of the puzzle that causes mass shootings is a joke. Almost every person I know plays video games, reads violent pulp stories and novels, watches action movies with great enjoyment. None of these people are violent murderers.

The truth is that when guns are easily accessible to anyone, bad things happen. A video game has never been a weapon of mass murder. A gun has time and time again.

I do not advocate banning firearms outright but there are some common sense restrictions that, if you are a responsible gun owner, should be no skin off your back.

A waiting period. An extensive background check. Mandatory education about safety for guns. Banning the sale of automatic rifles. Limiting the number of bullets in a clip. These are all reasonable and still preserves the right to bear arms.

For all the hoo-ra-ra that comes out of the NRA, they are opposed to almost all of these and do little to advocate for firearms education. Instead of looking themselves in the mirror, it appears they are readying to blame video games and entertainment for the shooting. This is irresponsible.

America needs to look at its mental health policies and it needs to look at its gun policies and make some real changes but blaming freedom of speech and expression for murder? That's a bridge too far. If you're a responsible person, you would recognize that guns make murder a hell of a lot easier. Not only 'bad people' go out and commit crimes. Regular people snap and go crazy, too. It's time to stop scapegoating and start soul searching.

Violence, Tragedy, and Gun Control

2012-12-14T15:04:00.003-08:00

The United States has been plagued with mass shootings this year and it's time to start talking about what is causing it. Our society cannot continue its self-destructive path.

Too many times, I've heard people say, "Gun control doesn't work because criminals will always have guns."

I suspect that today's shooter in Newtown, CT was not a 'criminal' and probably obtained his guns legally. Let's remember that the people who lost their lives today were not gang members killing each other. It was one man who decided to kill 20 children and 6 adults. They were not deserving of their deaths, they didn't join a life where dying by the gun is an acceptable end. They were going to school.

I live in a state (Texas) where anyone can get a gun in under an hour. This is unacceptable. There is a right to bear arms but that doesn't mean that we have to get them as soon as we want them. Responsible gun owners would be perfectly fine with regulation; that's part of what responsibility entails. If you want a gun, why shouldn't you have to wait for weeks or even months to be approved for purchase?

To drive, you have to go through months of training. There's no such federal law mandating that kind of training for driving but states know that cars are killing machines and long periods of training are necessary before handing out licenses. Guns should be treated the same way. There is no other reason for a gun but to kill or destroy. If you are protecting your house, that's fine. But let's call it what it is. You are in possession of a gun for protection and the means of that protection is to kill the intruder. It is a killing machine.

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." I'm sick of that cliche. If the shooter had a knife rather than a gun, the scale of his massacre would be no where comparable.

You romantic revolutionaries, pretending that guns are necessary to protect against tyranny: You're wrong. You already have a weapon to protect against tyranny. In fact, you have many: peaceful assembly, freedom of speech, the right to vote, to name a few. What worked for rural colonies no longer works today. Your poster boy, Thomas Jefferson, even acknowledged that constitutions must change otherwise they impose their own tyrannies. The right to bear arms, unregulated, unchecked, is not compatible with our society. It worked when the threat of invasion from the British was real. It worked when people weren't packed like sardines into cities. It worked when not every city had its own armed police force. It worked when there was no national army. We have progressed past the point of that necessity. It is no longer valid.

When you say, "America has a violent history." You're right, but no more violent than any other country. The story of Europe is a story of violence and war, yet they do not have the same problems we do when it comes to citizens killing each other. Our past is no more nor no less violent than any other country. Our present is more violent than most. The madness needs to end.

There are a ton of people, their hearts pointed in the right direction, who waste energy protesting against war. It is any wonder why countries go to war? Just look at the societies they are built on. We are a violent people, we are full of rage, and we are full of pettiness and until we can start treating each other with respect and patience on a personal level, we will always have war on a global scale. We are tearing each other apart from the very bottom, how can we expect our leaders to be any different?

My thoughts are with all of the victims today and I hope that we can make a serious effort to limit the risks of having a government that believes the right to own a gun, unregulated, is greater than the right to live free of fear.

Out of the Gutter 8

2012-12-13T10:22:00.001-08:00

Howdy folks.

Out of the Gutter has just released OUT OF THE GUTTER 8 and it features one of my flash stories, "Two Cowboys Settle A Dispute." You should check it out. Everything Out of the Gutter posts on their site is phenomenal pulp reading and I am honored to have been selected to be anthologized in print.

Click here to buy the paperback.

Click here to buy the ebook.

Out of the Gutter 8

2012-12-11T18:42:00.002-08:00

Get your Ebook version of Out of the Gutter 8 today!

My story, "Two Cowboys Settle A Dispute," is in it!

Christmas Shopping Part II (The shameless non-self promotion post)

2012-11-29T10:49:00.002-08:00

Choice Cuts by Joe Clifford

Piggyback by Tom Pitts

The Zelaznog Criterion Collection by Cortin A. Zelaznog

The Early Death of Men by Clint Margrave

Strange Light by Derrick C. Brown

Who Farted Wrong?

by Syd Butler

Frankenstein 2010

by Andrew Hilbert

Of course I was going to self promote a little.

Shameless self promotion

2012-11-25T16:48:00.003-08:00

Howdy, folks.

This is the big Christmas gift post. Buy yourself, buy your friends or family these items for Christmas because, Hell, that time's a'coming.

The Silver Birch Press' first anthology Silver is packed full of great poems and stories with a connecting theme. Yours truly also has a piece in it. So click here!

Got a Bukowski fan in your life? Who doesn't? This is a great collection put together by Rain Dog and the Lummox Press. Get your hands on it!

Frankenstein 2010. It's an Ebook, so do with that information what you will.

And my chapbook. Notice a connecting theme to these suggestions?

BONUS

Pick yourself or a loved one up a copy of the first issue of Foxing Quarterly here.

The Circuit of the Americas and Oltorf

2012-11-15T09:49:00.003-08:00

Welcome to Austin, TX to the disgustingly rich of the world! We beg on bloodied knees for your spending money so that we can build more condos to kick out poor people who have lived here their entire lives.

Tiniest Bar? You've been there for awhile but we're going to enforce the most ridiculous building codes on you so we can invite more New Yorkers and Californians to live in the comfort of a city that looks exactly like the cities they left.

Have you heard of Irvine, CA? It is the pinnacle city made of concrete parking structures, office buildings, and ridiculous condos. I deem it the blandest city in America. You can't 'keep Austin weird' by Irvinizing it. You either move here because you appreciate the local culture or you move here to change it and drive up the prices of everything to chase all the undesirable working class out.

It took under 2 years to build the Circuit of the Americas racetrack. Oltorf construction has taken, what, 22 months? This is a road people that live here use every day. Once the racers and the rich of the world are done with their game, the race track won't be used for anything. It'll sit there in decline making no money on sales tax while Oltorf drivers pray a pot hole doesn't ruin their tires and bikers pray that they won't be run over by a rich European driving on the wrong side of the road.

I'm a transplant myself. I don't have shame saying it. I've been in Texas for about 3 years but I don't think I came here to change the direction of the city. I don't have enough money to change the direction of the city and if I did have the money, I wouldn't. If I had enough money, I'd buy the nearest newly developed condo and tear it down.

On another whiny note, my car was towed and I'm pissed.

EDIT:

For Austinites wanting to know how the hell to get around your city click here for a nearly unintelligible map.

Let's beat a dead horse

2012-11-12T20:13:00.002-08:00

Broadwell.

Petreaus.

Love triangle.

Who cares?

Out of the Gutter is making a print anthology and the stories with the most views will get printed.

I have a horse in this race. It's called, "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute."

This cowboy wants a dispute settled. Click anywhere on this post to read the story. If you've already read it, read it again.

That's one way to settle it.

The end of America

2012-11-08T15:32:00.001-08:00

It took me two days to write this post because I've been passed out underneath a freeway drinking nothing but whiskey and unfiltered heroin because the United States of America is now totally fucked because they re-elected a dictator.

Ha. Just kidding. It took me two days to write this post because I've been partying with homeless people and welfare queens and trading my food stamps for drugs because the United States of America elected the guy who will "give me things" according to Bill O'Reilly.

Ha. Just kidding x2. It took me two days to write this post because I've been enjoying the deafening silence of Republicans too much to do anything else but look at Karl Rove's sweaty upper lip that I've affectionately named Defeat.

I wonder what Mitt Romney's up to right now.

Probably looking for a caffeine dealer.

Or, he's shopping with a considerably frown-ier smile.

Get out and fuckin' vote

2012-11-06T08:27:00.001-08:00

Good morning, America.

Today is the only day that is important in your duty as an American citizen. You live in this country, you're given the right to express your political desire, and your voice fuckin' matters.

Fry your bacon, scramble your eggs, finish off your coffee, get into your car/on your bike/into the bus, and get to a goddamned polling station. Get a sticker that says you voted and put it on your shirt. Parade around town telling other people to vote and prepare for some serious partying or crying tonight.

This isn't football or basketball or baseball. This isn't some willy-nilly thing to do if the mood is right. It is an election and in a country where church and state don't mix, it is the only sacred duty you have.

I won't tell you how to vote but I will tell you how I voted: his name starts with a B and ends with arack Obama.

The first vote I ever cast was in the Democratic primary and it was for Howard Dean. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. My second presidential vote ever cast was for John Kerry and I'm grateful that I got to vote for him because he shot Obama out of obscurity and into the national scene. I remember watching Obama's speech at the DNC and thinking, "Holy crap." Then he ran against the Clinton machine and won. My house was a house divided. Half of the registered voters voted for Clinton and the other half (myself included) voted Obama.

There are many things about Obama that unnerve me but there's a whole lot more that make me immensely proud. Barack Obama has proven that he is a steady and capable leader and he definitely deserves four more years.

I've said this many times but I will say it again. Romney is an Etch-a-Sketch toy. His people have said it themselves. I respect my opposition when they have actual positions. I may never vote for one of them but hell, at least I know they stand somewhere. Romney is like a kayaker who is constantly shifting his weight to stay afloat. If he leans too far to the right, he immediately has to shift to the left, back and forth, over and over again. I got news for you, that fucking kayak is going to tip over.

Go out and vote, dammit.

I leave you with Jimi Hendrix.