The Cherry Bowl Slightly Twisted

Knee Jerk

2018-07-01T18:47:00.002-05:00

I almost titled this Response Time but then I thought, no......right now we are hearing much too much about response.  Response to danger, to criminality, to rhetoric....these days there are whole groups driven or paid to respond.

I am quickly learning at my advanced age that much of our response is being whipped up to suit others’ agendas.  Everyone, today, has a “cause.”  And, they naturally seek out other like minded people to try to help them push that “cause” on others.  Or, they give us a sucker punch in our solar plexus by appealing to our sense of right, fair and civil.  This punch is pretty effective since we are  constantly reminded that “facts don’t matter, just feelings.”  Therefore, finding people whose feelings you can manipulate isn’t hard, because at our core, most of us are kind, generous and fair minded people.

We all see things, hear things, know things that tend to elicit a “knee jerk” reaction in us.  We immediately hate it, love it, are sorry for it, or mad as hell at it.  Once we hit the feelings and emotions button on things it is hard to walk them back.  Our body chemicals start to do their thing and suddenly our knee jerk reaction makes us become a part of a potentially damaging issue.

I am trying these days to avoid my own “knee jerk” reactions to issues and people by hitting my own internal “pause” button.  I am trying to do my own research about things before I decide to fall into “hate it, love it, sorry for it, or mad as hell at it.”  The information is out there on everything, you just have to care enough to look and look in several places and then use that large melon on your neck to do some thinking........for yourself.

Issues today are NEVER what they appear to be on the surface.  There is a whole multi-layered story running like a raging river beneath the surface of what we are seeing.  Sometimes that story beneath is more positive than the negative one you are hearing.  Sometimes not.  But, I have confidence in us as a thinking people that we can think while continuing to feel.  But please, think first and feel after.  Doing the opposite is what is driving much of what is wrong in our country today.  We have whole groups of people who can’t get a hold of their feelings and those feelings can lead to random acts of violence, civil disobedience, and much worse.

You seldom see large groups of people who are thinking decide to create problems for other people, but every day we are seeing groups of people driven by their feelings and feeding off of the feelings of others, creating a chaotic world for all of us.  The danger in this “knee jerking” is that eventually the pendulum will have to swing the other direction, and that, my friends.....is a big problem.

....come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord....-Isaiah 1:18 (KJV)

Lesson Slate at 68

2018-02-27T22:56:00.001-06:00

As I turn the same number as the year I graduated from high school in a little town in the dusty Texas panhandle, I am extremely grateful for my upbringing...it wasn't privileged but it was protected and in many ways very easy. There wasn't a lot of enchantment - family struggles were at the forefront of my awareness, but I also knew that I could run a small distance in any direction and find a friend. At this age, I have come to realize that I actually am fairly smart, I have an honest and open heart, I'm pretty sensible about everything but money but not having an abundance of that helps in that area as well. I am deeply flawed, have made horrible mistakes that I regret. Mistakes I would fix if I could but that is a story for another day...and I've made my confessions to and peace with the BIG GUY upstairs...so I have to be good with that. But, I've also done some really good things as well and am blessed with some friends who like me so there's that. I have a good man who loves me, great kids I am proud of, grandkids that I love more than life and now I'm starting to accumulate those great grandkids. I reached a marriage milestone and have shared my journey for 25 years with someone I am grateful to grow old with, I worked some interesting jobs and lived a pretty danged interesting life. I've hurt some people along the way...I'm sorry. I've been hurt along the way....I forgive. But, in honor of God giving me 68 years to work on me, I wanted to put down on paper the things I feel are a pretty good road map for a life. Some of these are things I have been pretty successful at, but a great many are things I need reminding of every day. Don't panic there aren't 68 of them...my attention span isn't that long. Sooooo...here is my:

SLATE OF 68

Let someone else be the smartest person in the room sometimes.
Help people grow. At work, church, school, and at home. Don't let people drown in "sameness" - allow them to see and do something different each day.
Being right is not nearly as much fun as being loved and being right is cold comfort on a bitter night.
Love. Love God. Love your family. Love your spouse. Love your friends. Love your fellow man....Love your country. Love dogs....or cats...God put people and things in your path for a reason, try to find out what that reason is.
Sometimes it is okay to just BE, just sit, just think....or nap. Be bored, boredom brings your imagination into play...people and things don't necessarily do well in constant motion.
Not everyone is going to like you - some people are just not very smart.
You won't like everyone - see previous statement.
Practice saying I'm sorry until you believe it and mean it....and....use it.
If someone shoots an arrow and you run and step in front of it, don't blame the archer or the arrow...they weren't shooting at you. You made yourself the target...because you think you are just that important. Meanwhile you caused the arrow to miss its mark. Again, aren't you important?
The inability to recognize and admit your own shortcomings is a sign of a weak character.
Make someone else the center of YOUR world, no one likes a narcissist.
It's okay to say NO - with no excuses or disclaimers....just no.
It's okay to cry. Save it for the big stuff - not everyone or everything is worth your tears.
Look for the funny, happy moments in bad things, you will live longer. The longer you spend in anguish, the more likely it is to become your favorite shirt.
It's okay to be skinny....it's okay to be heavy as long as you are happy being you. Just give being as healthy as you can be your best effort.
You cannot and will not improve on God's original blueprint of you...be what God designed in every ounce of your perfection and imperfection...God does not make mistakes.
Money can't buy happiness but it does alleviate quite a lot of stress.
It's okay to be impulsive as long as you are willing to live with the consequences.
Make sure you are mentally and emotionally old enough and equipped to make important life decisions....kids should never be in charge of important life changing decisions. No one is that old a soul.
If you are a grown up....be in charge...the scariest place for a kid is somewhere they feel like no one is watching or protecting them. Oh, they love the freedom, they think. But they secretly want boundaries....there is safety in boundaries.
Work a job like it was your business. No one will notice, but that's okay.
If you spend all your time waiting to be offended someone will be happy to oblige.
Looking for sin and deceit under every rock ensures you will eventually find them. Don't look...God won't take you there.
The sooner you realize you are a composite of your mistakes and triumphs you will realize how unique you are and the happier you will be.
Try to build on your success....don't beat yourself up with your failures.
No one had a "perfect" childhood...that is not an excuse for being a butthead. Use that as a foundational road map to build something better.
We are not guaranteed tomorrow....don't leave anything unsaid today.
If you want understanding and respect...try giving it first.
Try hard to be kind and civil to everyone but pay particular attention to the young, the sick, the afflicted, the elderly, the widowed, the orphaned, and the furry creatures. I believe you will be judged by your treatment of those because they are the ones unable to fight for themselves.
And finally, be proactive in life as opposed to reactive.

Illegal Versus Unlawful

2018-01-18T13:19:00.001-06:00

Many, many.........MANY years ago I used to watch the Art Linkletter Show on a very small (think maybe about the size of tablet) black and white television.

Mr. Linkletter had a segment called "Kids Say the Darndest Things" and they did and they never disappointed. This cute little panel of kids under the age of 10 all decked out in the bowties, ruffly ankle socks, and patent leather shoes found themselves extremely comfortable in Art's presence and offered great wisdom...to much hilarity.

One such episode sticks in my memory quite vividly. Upon learning that the little boy's father was an attorney....the question was asked "so, do you know the difference in unlawful and illegal?"

The little boy pondered but a moment and replied "yes, unlawful means something is against the law, and illegal.......is a sick bird."

I can't help but think about the depth of truth here when talking about our current situation of illegal immigration. It is indeed a very sick bird.

While my heart soars with the words "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore." I finally realize those words are NOT a component of the thing that sets law for our country, they are not the building blocks of our constitution.

And, upon research I have found documentable video, or written transcripts from practically every single so called champion of illegal immigration where they spoke of the dangers of NOT protecting our country and its citizens from these people.

This is a great example...give it a read and a listen and tell me who it reminds you of. Someone saying these exact same words today who is maligned for having these same opinions.

https://www.lifezette.com/polizette/flashback-video-shows-diane-feinstein-railing-against-illegal-immigration/

This was approximately 2 decades ago and how much worse has it gotten in those two decades. What was true then, remains true today. But what has changed is all those people who spoke out so eloquently for protecting America and its people and resources have quickly figured out that all those things handed to illegal immigrants for free translate into a lot of votes so THEY can maintain THEIR standard of living and THEIR quality of life.

Don't think for one minute they actually care about them...they are using them...actually, they are enslaving them and we are being sold a bill of goods. Any group of people who is willing to see their own system of government fail in order to protect the rights of people who are not legal citizens has only their own best interests at heart.

I praise the people who came here out of need and a desire to have a better life and assimilate into a country that would provide them the chance to be better. The ones who did the work. What I have a huge problem with are the ones who want to leave their horrible places of origin, come here without the proper work to become a citizen and then begin to make of our country something resembling the one they fled from. The proverbial S Hole if you will.

What has been created is an enormous ill-eagle....a very sick bird that is spreading contagion in its path and in many cases is also manifesting in quite a bit of UNLAWFUL as well.

I watch news reporters spend 1/2 an hour weeping with illegals because in 2 or 3 decades they have never attempted to become a legal citizen (because they didn't have to - rights of citizenship were just handed to them like a lollipop in a doctor's office.) I have yet to see those same reporters weep with the mother or father of someone who has been victimized by an illegal immigrant.

We are broken....we are ill and some of us are trying to fix it. And we get told every day that we are heartless, inhumane, unChristian, ignorant, deranged, selfish, deplorable and entitled. They fail to mention we are also for the most part law abiding, hard working, good hearted and open handed people who can be counted on the do the right thing.

I reject those negative labels on myself. I choose to remain hopeful that our country can become a shining light of good stewards of the land and good protectors of our beautiful country and its citizens for other people, so that they want to come here, be part of us and labor with us for the good of all.

We will always have unlawful....but there is no reason for us to embrace illegal.

Spoiled and Entitled and It's All My Fault

2017-11-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

Recently, someone of some celebrity seemed to indicate that women tend to make their sons more spoiled and entitled than their daughters. Indicating that we expected more from our girls and less from boys.

I'm not sure what she bases this opinion on having never raised boys herself but I beg to differ.

In my case, I raised one of each of these little critters and I can tell you for sure I was much harder on my son than I was my daughter. However, my daughter was extremely hard on herself, she had this inner drive to succeed and she pushed herself much too hard. And, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if she argued that I was tougher on her.

Coming from the background I did I expected my boy to be brave, to not be a cry baby, to exhibit more masculine traits. This had to be hard for him as he has a very tender heart, a sensitive spirit and a great deal of creativity which lends itself to a softer side. He also has a very hard head and a strong will. He isn't prissy at all, he likes guy stuff, has been known to resort to fisticuffs on occasion and I have no doubt he is all man. But, I will say there were times I enabled my son in some wrong thinking mainly because I was just so worried about where he might land in life. For a pretty long time I was solely responsible for both my kids and it is danged hard to be the only adult/parent in the room. Sometimes, you just get tired and you let down and you let them down.

I am a huge believer in personal accountability, I think decisions you make you HAVE to own, and learn from, and do better. I am not a fan of excuse makers. If you try hard enough you can find a good reason for almost everything you do that places the blame on someone else. My children's father is a man of many stories and in every story he tells he either emerges as a hero or a victim (more often the latter) whichever suits his purpose. I've often said that if he were a book, every chapter ended one page too soon. But to continue would cast a whole different light on the story he tells.

Blaming others for our shortcomings just isn't productive because not stepping up and owning your stuff stifles your growth and eventually creates a mindset and trend that only gets worse as you get older.

My biggest advice to anyone is to realize that none of us have had a perfect life. We have all crashed into the potholes of life and come out stinking. But every dip in the road, crack in the wall, or obstacle placed in our path provides us with two choices. 1) Take that imperfect life and use it as a foundation to build something far better. ....or.....2) Take that imperfect life and wrap it around yourself as a blanket of excuse and never have anything better to show for yourself. Because, that warm lack of accountability blanket eventually becomes a shield that repels every effort and good thing coming your way.

Entitled and spoiled men often share three things....1)Money 2)Power 3)Control - and every one of those things is an absolute corrupter if we are not vigilant.

So, no. As a woman, as a mother I refuse to accept that I might be responsible if my son was a jerk (which he isn't). He has a mind, free choice and the intelligence to make his own decisions. I will own the fact he was first and therefore my human lab rat, my science experiment in parenting. I made a lot of mistakes. I also did some really good things and in the end, he's a pretty decent human being....in spite of me.

Wahhhh, Wahhhh, Wahhhh

2017-09-21T21:47:00.000-05:00

Three words that describe this year's abysmal season of BIG BROTHER, which needs to immediately be rebranded as BIG FREAKING BABY or Herd Mentality in a Nutshell.

First of all, I am unapologetic about my fascination with reality TV. And while I am relatively new to this particular show (thanks a heap Kristina L), I am a huge student of human nature and people's behaviors and character....or lack thereof.

Here is my take away from this season of Big Brother. *****SPOILER ALERT****** - read no further if you have NOT yet watched the finale or proceed at your own risk.

1) I am not a fan of returning "vets" - in my opinion they have a huge advantage in this game and therefore it is unfair to bring them back for a second shot at winning.

2) One of the biggest mistakes made this season was for the entire house to NOT band together to eject Paul immediately upon his arrival. However, I totally have no problem with Kevin going for the $ in that temptation. In my mind he knew he didn't have a shot to win it all but he took the opportunity to walk away with something. Smart move....however, that move did release the annoyance of the "puppet master" on the house. Every single person in there should have immediately decided he needed to be sent right back out so they could have THEIR season...instead they were all in awe of his huge personality and success from last season soooo they played right into his hands.

3) I liked the temptation thing I thought it added a great little wrinkle to the play but no one used it wisely, therefore, once again....they were dumb.

4) Jessica made two really bone headed moves. First, she should have taken Ramses off the block and put Paul up beside Josh and Paul would have had to reveal his true colors while fighting for his life in the house. Dumb move Jess....you had all the power and wasted it. Secondly, when you had the power to halt the eviction you should have sat on that information until the second the eviction was announced and then unloaded it. You would have caught Paul off balance....as it was...you gave him days to plan yours and Cody's demise. Super dumb.

5) When you have someone in the house who has NEVER been on the block and yet has been in your ear the whole game telling you what to do with your power, common sense should tell you he is doing the same thing with everyone in the house. Did every one of you think you were that special??? I guess so.

6) When someone has to talk so fast they are basically unintelligible (JOSH) you can bet your bottom dollar they are an accomplished liar. Someone should have taken those 2 skillets and flattened his head while he slept.....one of THE MOST annoying humans I have ever seen on TV. The fact he won is beyond comprehension and I hope someone steals his money and makes him cry.

7) Alex, Alex, Alex....I honestly thought you were smart as a tack and I sat waiting for you to turn the house upside down and you left me hanging.

8) While I think Cody and Jessica are a cute couple, I predict that is not a long time thing because I think he will never soften on issues she needs him too. One thing about him - he believes what he believes and doesn't waiver. The fact he stuck the final knife in Paul was almost poetic and just shows that as badly as he hated Josh, he saw Paul for what he was, viewed him the biggest loser in the house and made it happen. And Paul knew it....when the vote was tied and Cody's key remained....I saw hope depart from Paul and my little heart was happy. It speaks to Cody's complete understanding of his own character that when he won fan favorite his only words were "it doesn't make sense." Probably not, but maybe, just maybe there were a whole lot of people who appreciated seeing someone stick to their guns and be willing to take it in the shorts.

9) Kevin might have been the smartest guy in the house...he cruised along like an aging GQ model knowing he had the money in his pocket and anything else was simply.......gravy.

10) Raven who daily sucked on a helium tank and spouted boatloads of ridiculous rhetoric in her squeaky voice was just annoying. Did that girl EVER make sense? I found myself wishing for a large mouse trap to spring on her. And really...she was helping Paul pull strings? Then why were you sitting your butt in the Jury House with Captain Crunch.

11) Christmas just got carried through on the strength of an injury. Throwing comps to her was insulting and she should have never stood for it if she is the strong independent woman she wants to profess herself to be. And let's face it the only reason she gave Josh the time of day was because she thought he would sweep her with him into the final two. Well, ho, ho, ho Christmas Joy.

12) Mark and Elena just kind of were there being swept along on the Paul wave until it crashed on the shore and they were left picking seaweed out of their teeth. I think both of them probably are pretty decent human beings but they were waaaaay out maneuvered in the deception and manipulation department.

13) Jason was kind of a favorite of mine and he and Alex had what it took to win the whole enchilada but they both allowed Paul to turn their heads and Alex allowed her smarts to be sucked up into her kitty ears. They could have rode their collective skill with winning comps and Alexs' supposed game savvy all the way to the end. But sadly, they did not...and honestly that would have been good for the show. This ending was not.

14) Long story short....neither Paul or Josh are good people. They want you to think they are, but they are not. I still think this exercise in human behavior can be done without destroying the core goodness of people. I hate coasters, I want to see honest competition and everyone giving 100% for their own game without throwing crap on someone else and then I want to see good sports both in winning and losing. After last season I do not believe Paul needed the money....he had a brand and a big following, he had the keys to his success from last season....this season it was all about his ego and I quite frankly was happy to see that squashed. I just hated to see JOSH win....to me this was the equivalent of watching a child throw a tantrum in Walmart in the toy aisle until his beleaguered parents give in and just buy him the store. Crying is one thing but his sobbing shrieking meltdowns were only eclipsed by the fact he allowed himself to be used by everyone in the house to just annoy the crap out of Jessica and Cody. She spoke truth when she said it took all of them banding together to put them out. What a pity they couldn't have used that team spirit to deal with Paul early on.

My conclusion on this season is that there were a whole lot of really not very nice people in that house and it could be a microcosm of society in general...in essence....a pretty good little dose of reality.

America - Your Medication of the Day is.....Growicet

2017-08-31T11:56:00.002-05:00

Let me go on record by saying statues and monuments are horribly offensive....let me show you why.

This one celebrates a grown man who made loads of money playing a game for a living. I mean....really?

Does it bother anyone else that this old dude is holding this baby in a questionable manner?

Is she cavorting naked with an innocent child?

There are no females in this image....I'm definitely offended by this one. Where were WE? Making coffee somewhere?

This guy is pointing at someone...how rude!

Shows weaponry....weaponry is bad!

This one is simply terrifying, what if children see this?

This triggers my depression....and it is clear he has obviously been abusing that horse.

Clearly someone had waaaay too much time on their hands...and who paid for that and who cares about these guys anyway?

This is a ridiculous waste of the precious resource of electricity...must go.

Clearly these children are stealing bread from that poor old woman...again...must go.

But this one is the worst....fat shaming is just plain wrong.

Begging

2017-08-23T10:40:00.002-05:00

If someone comes to you begging for food....do you deny them bread?

If you know that someone needs a little boost up financially....do you find an extra few dollars to help?

If you see a need in a child, or an animal, or an elderly person...do you try to fill that need?

Chances are, we are charitable with our goods, our money, and our time.

But, how charitable are we with our words? Do you "see" that person who needs to hear you say you appreciate them and that you love them? Do you "hear" the silence of their yearning to know you care, that you recognize you don't take a minute to acknowledge their existence?

Sometimes, all it takes to turn a person's entire day around is a simple "seeing" them and letting them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.

If you are lucky enough to have your parents, let them know. If you have been blessed with a slightly flawed, imperfect yet inherently good person to share your life with...let them know you love them, that you value them. And, if God has allowed you to never know the pain of losing your child...give them as much good and loving advice as you have means to give....for no one will ever love your child as much as you do. No one else will love them enough to try to help them avoid the potholes on the road of life.

Don't let yourself be guilty of turning your back on a beggar....especially those who only want you.

To See a Rainbow, There Must First Be Rain

2017-07-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have to watch from around the corner while people endure the most heart wrenching pain imaginable. And, you are helpless to do anything that can make a difference at all....and so....you watch, you pray, you cry, you do whatever little things you can to help...and you learn.

You learn that during an inexplicable tragedy like the sudden loss of multiple lives, there is really nothing else on earth that really matters. Petty issues, problems, dysfunction, spats, quarrels, hurt feelings and unkind and unthinking words pretty much pale in comparison. You relearn that any issues you have with anyone had better be taken care of today....right.now. because that chance could be ripped away from you with no warning and you will be left with a whole lot of "things I wish I'd dones" and "things I wish I'd saids."

You also learn than no one owns the corner at the intersection of Heartbreak and Grief. We all get to travel through there at varying degrees. Some of us are merely riding through in someone else's vehicle trying to help, while others of us are driving our own car....and often, we feel incredibly alone even when we are not.

I think it is telling of us as humans how we handle the situations where we are unbelievably raw. Do we take the time to understand that everyone grieves, suffers, and experiences pain in different ways? Or do we expect everyone to respond exactly like we do?

It is my belief that we could avoid some of the pitfalls of dealing with grief if we could come to grips with whether our own responses stem from sympathy/compassion or empathy, even though those qualities are related. While they are related they are also different. Empathetic people have the ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person. Compassion/sympathy takes those feelings and thoughts and works them into the desire to help. So does this mean that these two qualities are two sides of the same coin? I think in most cases it does. We have to be careful not to get stuck in our empathy and not progress on to how we can best help to improve a situation. Narcissistic people cannot recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others and in my experience some of those people are rabid empaths. They feel the emotions at the center of the issue but they assume them as their own and it becomes more about them than anyone else. They are stuck in their own place, never moving forward or helping in any tangible way.

Feelings of grief are like fireflies. Even when the night has passed where they have burned the brightest, they sometimes flicker at the most inopportune moments in the light of day. Some of us need to release those feelings in very vocal ways while others of us internalize, and then one day, we are taken to our knees from the overwhelming weight of what we feel.

You see things everyday on television where people say things like "well she/he never even cried." Maybe not. Maybe they never did....maybe they simply just died inside. Speaking personally, I have a bit of a tendency to under-react the closer and bigger things are to me. When my mom passed away...I was pretty stoic...I was sad, incredibly tired, and more than a little confused. But probably my behavior wasn't as overtly grief stricken as some might deem appropriate. Then a month later, a little dog I cared about was killed and I went absolutely to pieces. It was about the dog....somewhat. But, it was more about the fact I had squashed down all that agony over mom and once I allowed it oxygen to breathe it roared into a fire I had difficulty dealing with.

I once had to try to explain to someone why they needed to try to realize that while the death of someone was painful to them, they needed to understand their own place inside the pattern. In this case it was the mother of their friend. She had treated them incredibly well and they had spent a lot of time around her and they were suffering, and I knew that. But I explained to them that to allow their feelings to overtake them when there were others closer to the epicenter of the issue would not be very helpful. That event firstly happened to the woman, then her husband, children, parents and grandparents if they were still living, and siblings, then extended family members - aunts, uncles, cousins and then friends and acquaintances. I had to gently remind my own suffering child that while he loved her a lot, he needed to try to stand strong for his friend who had just

lost his mother. In that moment, he needed to express sympathy and compassion and find a way to help, even though I knew that he absolutely "felt" that pain. It was not intended to diminish his own feelings but to try to help move him to a place of positive contribution as opposed to rushing into a burning building carrying a can of gasoline.

In the long run, it is my hope that every instance of grief can serve as a catalyst to repairing relationships, healing hurt feelings, and learning to live life a little better day by day. To come more and more often from a place of kindness and love. To look more and more to the creator of us all as our ultimate destination on this journey called life which unfortunately is filled with many rest stops called grief.

Moving Mother

2017-07-12T23:18:00.001-05:00

It has been a minute since I shared a mom story, but this one popped into my memory today.

After daddy died, Mom spent a while trying to stay in Amarillo, but she just wasn't happy there. Since I was her only biological child, she wisely decided she should move closer to me. Plans began to be made as to how to accomplish such a mammoth move.

At that time, my husband worked for a local company here that often had trucks dead heading back to Arkansas and his company generously offered to let us move mom's household stuff in one of those trucks. We hired about 5 man power guys to pack and load her belongings and we had someone who was also responsible for carting all the stuff to storage that she didn't want to bring right now.

We had already sourced a great apartment in a really nice neighborhood and location so once her things arrived, mom was soon settled in.

Several months passed and she let us know that she was ready to have the stuff from storage that she had left behind in Amarillo. It was right around Thanksgiving time so Roger and I both took off work and told her we would go to Amarillo and get the rest of her stuff.

Mom assured us that it would all fit in Roger's Chevy truck , so off we went.

We got into Amarillo pretty late so we opted to motel it for a night and hit it hard early the next morning. November in the panhandle of Texas is usually pretty chilly and that year was no exception but we bravely set out the next morning to the storage complex with our truck, ready to load up and head home.

When we arrived at the storage place, I took the key mom had provided and soon learned it.was.NOT.the.right.key. So now we have quite a conundrum. Between Roger's pockets, my purse, the key ring mom had given me, the glove box in the truck and the console we had probably seven sets of keys. We tried each one of them one by one. Wonder of miraculous wonders, one of the keys on one of Roger's key rings worked! How? I have no idea. God took pity on us.

We were elated.

It was short lived.

When that storage door rolled up, we were met with a solid wall of Rubbermaid tubs, boxes, barrels, and loose household furniture. In short, we were about a semi-truck short of the needed equipment to get it all home.

So....off we went to U-Haul to rent a trailer....oh, and have a trailer hitch installed because the one on our truck would not work for the trailer we rented. That all took the better part of a day. By now, I can see my husband's patience is starting to fray.

We decided to not continue, but to load up the next day and head home. So, we spent another night in a motel, something we were not financially well prepared for at that time.

The next morning was freaking freezing and the wind was blowing straight out of the north at about 50 miles an hour.

We loaded as much in the truck as we could and started filling up the trailer. Each item that went in to that trailer made me doubt that we would find room for everything in the storage unit. We were quickly running out of space. So we decided to double stack the truck and tarp it.

We found a Walmart out in the middle of Nowheresville, literally sitting all by itself out there on the prairie in Amarillo. We bought a tarp, some rope, a pair of scissors and began the task of securing our load for a long drive back to Arkansas.

Trying to wrestle that tarp in gale force freezing winds could easily become an Olympic event. Roger finally made me get in the truck because we were both freezing and I know he was probably muttering profane statements regarding my mother....me....Texas....that he didn't want me to hear and take issue with.

So, I'm in the cab of the truck with the heater blowing, teeth chattering, watching to see if he signals for help. As I'm watching, he lays the scissors down on the edge of the truck bed to secure the tarp with rope and the wind lifts the scissors and blows them OVER the truck.

At that moment, Roger opens the truck door, crawls inside and says "f this, we are going home." This is not his usual preferred expression....so I knew that the patience had flown and I needed to tread carefully or I might too.

And so we started for Arkansas just in time to travel in a freezing rain storm that ended up laying a solid sheet of ice on the highway.

We must have been quite the sight...flapping tarp, piles of useless junk and pulling a U-Haul. Each attempt to find a place to eat devolved into pulling into places that had no power due to the ice storm, or simply had no food.

I honestly can't remember how long it took us to get home, but it wasn't a quick or pleasant trip. But, mom was happy to have her stuff and she was wildly unapologetic about our trials and tribulations to make that happen for her.

And Now a Word About Bullying

2017-07-01T19:39:00.003-05:00

Bullying. Was this a thing back in the day? I'm pretty sure at some point in our lives, we have all been technically bullied. Or......we have been on the pitching side of some pretty nasty behavior to others. I seem to remember people calling me a loud mouth (that hasn't changed), some even called be a word that rhymes with witch (again, still appropriate), and I was often told I was too skinny (would that I had that problem today, too freckled (those faded...or were eaten by wrinkles), and also that I was just down right ugly (that one hurt because I thought I looked like my mom and I thought she was the most gorgeous thing ever). But, I also remember in elementary school being part of a nasty little set of "mean girls" who mercilessly picked on a girl someone deemed "less than." I am to this day not sure why I did that because I actually liked the girl and had spent the night with her a time of two and every now and then, her brother was my boyfriend. But, I did it and it wasn't until a teacher, my favorite teacher who I thought probably went home at night and unfolded her angel wings, pulled me to her side one day and told me how disappointed she was....in me.

It killed me.

In any case...I don't think bullying is new and I don't think it is worse than it's ever been. And, I know it is an important subject and of great merit as a teaching moment. And, I also know that for probably at least 5 years now, it has been front and center of a lot of teaching, preaching and in some cases over reaching.

My flakes are frosted over the grown people in this country who are daily whining, crying and having to seek out crayons and play dough because some other grown up "bullied" them.

To my way of thinking the overuse of the "bullying" tactic is basically making it increasingly ineffective in the areas where it should really matter. Children, the aged, the handicapped, the infirm and the otherwise challenged individuals for whom we should all make a stand.

When a grown man says a female "bullied" him - I cringe. Maybe I'm not terribly evolved but I mean really dude? Just how big of a "baby" are you? I am proud to say that there isn't a single man in my acquaintance who would resort to emasculating himself in this manner. They would either smile and walk away noting to themselves, that you, dear, are a horrible human being or they would call you out not as a bully but as an awful person, and let the chips fall where they may. If you were another male, their response would be different and could possibly involve fisticuffs or pistols at 50 paces, but call you a bully? Nope. Not even. They might call you something else, but they would never relinquish that inherent maleness by slapping a "victim of a bully" label on themselves.

When we, as a society, decide to verbally needlepoint trendy buzz words on our feelings pillows, those words lose their meaning and their strength little by little. Plus, in resorting to always feeling like we are the victims of bullying, we are depriving ourselves of the opportunity to utilize our people skills, our powers of persuasion, our finesse, and our intelligence, heck...in some cases even our attractiveness to the opposite sex. Yes. I went there. But ultimately, we deprive ourselves of the ability to "rise" and show just how tough we are in a crisis.

Can we please save the word "bullying" for the playground

Or for those among us who truly need a strong voice advocating for them against real bullies, real threats, real dangers and real problems.

Merely getting your "feels" hurt or your proverbial panties in a twist just simply isn't enough.

Say What??!

2017-06-20T13:44:00.001-05:00

Growing old affords you a lot of things. You gain some perspective on the importance of issues and lose respect for some other matters that seemed to be a really big deal once upon a time.

Sometimes you lose your hair, sometimes you find you have it suddenly appearing in the most unexpected places.

Often, small tasks like threading a needle, opening a jar, driving after dark or remembering where you left your glasses take on an accelerated degree of importance.

Many years ago, quite a few now that I think about it, I started losing my hearing. Honestly, most of the time it was kind of enjoyable. I was able to experience that "selective hearing" that men seem to think they have the market cornered on.

However, the spouse and the kids became increasingly annoyed with my inability to hear them unless they were shouting so I decided to throw them a bone and get something to help.

Hearing aids have come miles and miles since my grandpa's kind. Now you can wear them and the world truly never knows they are there. That is a plus.

But, every plus has a minus, or in the case of me and my little helpers, many minuses.

If you get hot and sweaty, they make my ears itch - therefore I often opt out of hearing in those conditions. Music that is comfortable or only mildly too loud for everyone else can make me feel like I'm being tortured by sound as some form of psychological warfare.

And in a crowd....oh my goodness....if the Tower of Babel sounded anything remotely like the crowd at my recent high school reunion, I'm surprised those people didn't fling themselves from the parapets.

I can hear a little without aids...very little. And there is no vibrance or vitality in the sound. It is dull and flat. My hearing aids bring vitality and color back into sound for me and in small gatherings and one on one they actually make things very enjoyable.

But in large crowds, there is an over abundance of sound. Everyone talking and laughing all at once and I am hearing all of it. The couple in the corner, the lady going out of the door, the man telling the funny story.....I'm hearing it. But not really. It becomes like wind noise in a speeding car....just sound....lots and lots of sound.

And, something I learned this time was after I leave that crowd, my brain is on sensory overload. I start working to process what I've heard...or worse....what I might have missed. Did someone say something to me directly that I didn't hear and now they think I ignored them? (Stuck up snob) Did I fail to properly express concern or excitement over something I was told? (Rude and uncaring heifer)

The last evening of my reunion, I forgot(?) to wear my hearing aids. I missed a lot of things the speakers said (I hate that) and I spent a great deal of time trying to make sure I spent a moment of true face to face time with a great many people.

So, if you observed me flitting about like a crazed bumblebee just know that I was absorbing quality sound and words from as many people as I could find that would spend a moment talking to me and making me laugh. And, remember...that issue isn't going to get one bit better so in 2 years, for the next get together, I may be scheduling private audiences like the Pope.

Say What?????

As I See It

2017-06-08T23:42:00.002-05:00

Let's All Have a Little Whine With Poor James

I'm going to drop my thoughts on this subject here instead of just doing a huge Facebook rant. This way people can be forewarned and steer away if they feel they may be offended or choose to take issue. I am fine with disagreements regarding my opinions and I welcome you to leave your thoughts....good or bad. But, please do it as a comment on this blog post as I have grandchildren who see my Facebook page and I would just as soon they not have to realize as such tender ages that the grandmother gets hate mail.

Today in Washington D C, the taxpayers footed the bill for a gigantic nothing burger that proved a whole lot of people right and even more people wrong. The whole Russia - Trump - Collusion national tour suddenly got all future engagements cancelled and some people had to eat their nothing burger with a lot of egg on top with a side helping of crow. While Mr. Comey's testimony today debunked a whole lot of the crap we have been suffering through for months on end....I found myself ridiculously disappointed in him as a human being.

The ex-director of the FBI is a physically imposing man. He stands head and shoulders taller than almost anyone in the room. He carries himself with an air of confidence mixed with a little swagger which is certainly understandable...for a long time, he was the baddest badass of them all.

The director of the FBI is by definition a person who can cause grown men to tremble in their shoes, women to weep and cling to their children because such a person can lay waste to your life and salt the earth effectively ruining it for as many future generations as you can hope to have. That person is the ONE person all politicians fear....all business owners fear them as well because the power they wield is so great the potential for utter ruination of an ordinary life is huge.

This past director, at one time, in a former incarnation relentlessly pursued a "Scooter" as a means to get to a very high official in another administration. In short, his badassery is legendary.

And yet....today this man portrayed himself as a trembling sorority girl who finds herself enduring a blind date with a newly minted frat pledge who is far less attractive than she is. Even going so far as to write about it in her diary and send it to a "friend" back home so everyone will know how miserable and put upon she was. When in fact....all she had to do was say no thank you and walk away.

While I don't think some people served any good purpose in trying to mitigate the circumstance by talking about the inexperience and lack of political acumen of our current President...it is somewhat a known factor. However, Mr. Comey has risen through the political rank and file like a bullet to the top and he KNOWS. And he knows he knows. And the President knows the director knows as well. As a person who works for the American people he has a moral responsibility to the person those people elected to protect not only his own integrity but that of the man who holds that high office.

"Sir, this is an inappropriate meeting that I am uncomfortable with not only for myself but for you, even though, in the past I have requested private meetings with you...this situation is different and we need to make sure we are both protected by having others in the room with us." It might have made the President mad but at least we could have all looked at that as a righteous move on the director's part.

Throughout his testimony today, he repeatedly made statements like "it was my impression, and I could be wrong" or "I just got the feeling, and maybe I'm wrong" and worse...."I just wasn't brave enough." At least he stopped short of declaring himself the victim of sexual assault.

Really.

This is the ex-director of the F B freaking I and he was afraid of a 70 year old man who he knows if that man crosses him he can rain hell fire down on him and all his descendants in Biblical proportions.

I.Don't.Buy.It.

Not for one single second

Intention

2017-05-18T09:07:00.000-05:00

intention - noun - in-ten-tion: A determination to act in a certain way: resolve

I think about this word....a lot. Oddly enough, it also means, "a process or manner of healing of incised wounds."

Hmmmmmm.....maybe wounds inflicted by careless tongues or thoughtless deeds?

Intentions...those things of which the road to hell is paved with.

Then, there are people who "intend". They intended to call, they intended to offer help, or solace or maybe a kind word. They intended to apologize. The intended a lot of things, but something always kept getting in the way, something always stopped them right on the threshold of intention on the way to action. And, suddenly.....there were no more chances to act.

I find myself, often, learning of a life shaking event and thinking "oh, I intended to tell her/him just how much I enjoy knowing them, or how much I love having them in my life!" That lack of action of intention leads to REGRET and regret soon gives way to guilt which results in sadness.

So, if over the course of the coming years, you find yourself on the receiving end of my action and resolve, don't be surprised. I am resolved to live my life with intention followed up by action. I don't make resolutions but I fully am committed to intention driven actions. And, in the process, I'm going to like myself a little more and stop allowing others' lack of action influence my behavior. I intend to be happy, I intend to be content, I intend to be kind, I intend to do the best thing I know how to do, and I intend to be me. And my actions will reflect these intentions because I choose not to perish being afraid to open the door of an action driven existence any longer.

Apology NOT Accepted

2017-05-06T12:41:00.001-05:00

I guess I don't completely understand the whole concept of regret, acceptance, accountability, and apology. Or....I'm just not good at the last part.

I live with tons of regret and I've come to realize that the more regret I have and the more I allow it to break my heart, there are some people who are perfectly willing to allow me to suffer that regret without any means of attempting to fix it.

I accept a lot of things about myself. I know I am selfish, I am VERY opinionated and not afraid to let it fly (which causes me no small amount of that word REGRET.) I am stubborn, willful, and at times down right mean spirited. Sometimes the realization of those points occurs to me while I am spewing that thing called OPINION. I am not always a nice person....I'd like to be....I try to be, but I fail more often than not. On the flip side of the tarnished penny of "ME", is the fact I love too easily and expect that because I love someone - warts and all, they will return that favor. I also come to a point of forgiveness pretty quickly and once I do I start trying to make amends.

I find it interesting that it takes more than just you to wreck a relationship, but one often finds themselves trying to "fix" what is broken all by themselves.

When you ask for forgiveness for your part in a strained relationship and you are met with a bullet list of all the things you did to cause the rift with no acceptance on the part of the other individual regarding their contributing role, what do you do? The last thing that I want to do is get caught up in a circular argument when it is apparent that the other person sees nothing wrong in what they have said or done. Instead, they only want to paint themselves as the victim in the situation which almost leads you to ask "what will it take for you to get over this, feel better about this or move on?"

And when that conversation just stops with no conclusion....then what?

I fully think that if someone apologizes to you....you owe them either the acceptance of that apology or you need to simply say "I don't accept your apology." To leave someone hanging without knowing if they should continue to try to mend a fence or simply dust off their shoes and move on is pretty dehumanizing. And....I am also finding that it is almost impossible for someone to just open up enough to "own" their part of a situation. Is it really that painful to admit that yes, you might have played a role in the disagreement as well?

I guess I am greatly blessed and infinitely lucky that I am a firm believer in the forgiveness of God because I know he sees my heart all the way through the layers of black and grey and finds the small little red beating part and gives me the benefit of the doubt. Over the course of the past 6 or 7 years, I have inflicted on myself much to atone for and I have genuinely tried to begin that process only to find people who will not accept it, reject it or own any degree of it.

I'm pretty sure my "Apology Tour" has come to a close. I've owned my behavior, regretted my words and actions, acknowledged the need for healing and attempted to accomplish it. I've put my balls into the other courts and it remains with the other players to decide if they want to play them or let them lay there. But, I will continue to be #sorry.

I'm A'gin It!

2017-05-04T12:48:00.006-05:00

Here is my feeling about the whole Stephan Colbert issue, not that anyone cares, but I always like to have my opinions on record. I enjoy the private hate mail.

First of all, I have a hard time with people who think they are the be all, is all for the whole world and seem to be more impressed with themselves than they are the impact they have on others. People who star in their own movies rarely exist in a reality I recognize. Therefore, they simply cease to have any direct impression on me.

The things this questionable self appointed comedian had to say recently weren't funny, weren't helpful, weren't respectful of anyone and created nothing positive at all. And in fact, he merely served to amp up the hate and negativity a lot of us are striving to put behind us. But there will always be those who enjoy a fire so much, they can't help but run up and throw their little cans of gasoline on the blaze to make it bigger and burn brighter and they don't care about the after party.....at.all.

I know there is a huge cry for him to be fired and while I don't disagree that there should be some accountability for his actions, I don't believe this is the best course. I think for conservatives to resort to the tactics we observe from the radicalized left and the snowflakes in the land, is the wrong course of action.

I believe we should hold ourselves to a much higher standard that the examples being played out for us in the media every day..

What Mr. Colbert and his network deserve to have happen is for people like me to simply slip out the door and not watch another thing they put forth. Advertisers should merely say, "we've decided not to advertise with you in the future" and offer no explanation....just leave and take your money with you.

At some point....someone will review the timeline for falling ratings and diminishing revenue and trace it back to the root of its beginning and at that point they have the opportunity to continue down the path they've set their feet upon, or embark on a new journey.

That would be an interesting thing to follow, as so far it hasn't happened with certain factions of the political arena or the news. They just don't get it and they keep thinking they can strong arm us into not knowing or feeling what we know and feel. It isn't going to happen. We are smarter, better informed, better researchers and far more driven than they give us credit for but instead of listening.....they continue to grind the same grist in the mill.

I say, let Colbert hoist himself on his own petard....let him spin on his own whirlygig and eventually stew in his own juice. I don't have time for him....he simply doesn't matter enough for me to give him fuel for his own personal little blaze which will eventually become his own roast.

And that's the way I sees it!

Oh No They Didn't

2017-04-26T13:04:00.001-05:00

It has taken me a while to write about this. Mainly because I wanted to make sure that the person involved had truly moved on and was no longer bothered by it.

My husband, a veteran and disabled with two knee replacements, has struggled with the fact that he feels he no longer has a purpose in life....spelled J O B. I think a lot of us don't realize just how much self worth is attributed by being gainfully employed - particularly to men. It is really difficult when that desire to remain productive has a qualifier of "things you really shouldn't do with two metal knees." Few people truly understand that doesn't inhibit your interest in doing something and yet even more people will ask that person to do the very things they shouldn't. First rule of artificial knees - don't kneel and for God's sake don't spend a lot of time ascending and descending ladders. Now when construction was your "go to" skill when the world went crazy and you lost your "using your thinker" job, that makes for a frustrated man.

Because of my hearing trouble, I enlisted the help of the Arkansas Rehabilitation Department who were very helpful in burning the underbrush of job search and helping me find something possible. Therefore, when Roger truly decided he wanted to a) do something other than build crap for me and b) make a little money doing it, we went to ARD again.

Recently, they hooked Roger up with an online training program that would teach you in a 3 week 8 hour a day on line class how to provide customer service. (Think of those people you get when your garage door opener won't work - or you can't find the battery compartment in your whoozits). Well, this seemed good....work from home, kind of technical....Yay! Plus, they were very veteran friendly.

BUT NOT!

Based on this program, we invested in a new laptop with Windows 10 - (trust me, if you aren't familiar with this operating system, you better get on board NOW), we invested in a second monitor, a microphone headset and had already called our internet provider to have our internet speed bumped up with ethernet because we were deemed "inadequate."

Class began, and a whole lot of time was spent with the trainer not being able to access their own teaching modules, trying to figure things out, etc. And yet....Roger persisted staying sat in a chair for hours on end, waiting for them to get their stuff back on line after crashing, etc. Then, two and half days into training as he was trying to move into a new module, his credentials quit working. He tried repeatedly to log in and got nowhere until he received a message telling him someone would be calling him shortly.

He waited two hours and finally they called and told him his computer skills weren't adequate for what they required. Please know that in all the preliminary talks regarding this "job" they did not mention you had to be proficient in Windows 10 or what your internet speed needed to be. Just internet connectivity and basic computer skills were required.

So, in essence, after spending a bunch of money and 2 1/2 days of his time he was "fired" from a training program. That helps a person's ego now doesn't it?

Roger is one of those people who just goes silent and deep with things like this. However, I am one of those people who goes nuclear and loud. The first thing I did was call the ARD and tell them what happened as they provide those online training programs with a lot of their people which translates into a lot of $ for those companies. I rattled every cage in every zoo I could find.

Now, the training program wants to have him back in the program, but we think no. It's kind of like being newly married and coming home the day after the honeymoon, to find your spouse has run off with the mailman - the trust is broken, plus we don't think we can afford them.

I am absolutely happy with the knowledge that the ARD probably has made their ears bleed with their disapproval over how this was handled and that they are also further armed with a lot of information they did not have prior to this event.

Hopefully, there are still people out there who look at people who are "mostly retired" but still productive, honest, dependable, smart, and willing that will say to themselves "hey, I don't need a full time body....but I could use a guy like that 10 or 15 hours a week." And hopefully, there are even more people out there willing to go to bat for those men and women who still want to say "I work to pay my bills and take care of my family" - even if that family is only a bunch of little brown dogs.

Cherry Picking

2017-03-22T10:03:00.003-05:00

There have been many instances lately of “cherry picking” in an attempt to spin a narrative in one direction or another. To use an image to lend credence to a particular argument either for or against a situation, event, or person. To my way of thinking, we, as thinking humans must be vigilant in our efforts not to be victims of “cherry pickers.”

I guess the first time I was aware of “cherry picking” outside of the agricultural aspect was when I found the desire of some to “cherry pick” the Bible to either pound me over the head with one phrase plucked out of the millions between the cover of that holy book or use one to legitimize someone’s own behavior. It taught me to take a phrase, read it in context, and then cross reference it with other phrases that might be related to it and then determine for myself how I felt about it.

I’ve now been on this earth 67 years and in my time, I’ve been some places and I’ve done some things. I have a pretty vast array of knowledge and little of it has been experienced in an educational forum. Most of my knowledge has come from living, working, and doing ordinary life and quite often I find I actually DO know a thing or two about a thing or two.

When the Apostle Paul wrote his letters to the various churches, he had much to say about how they should conduct themselves and how they should structure worship. My whole life I had a BIG problem with the “let your women keep silent in churches…” statement. Then I took about 5 years of Disciple classes and found that phrase had been much “cherry picked” to enforce a doctrine of some more recently developed religions. If you read Paul’s letters you find that he wrote letters to those churches in much the way I would write letters to my children. I would frame my words and instructions to them based on 1) my relationship with them as individuals and 2) what I viewed their individual problems to be. In other words, I wouldn’t tell a child that had 2 jobs and carried a full load of college courses that they needed to stop being unmotivated and get busy. As I understand it, the women Paul referred to were recent converts to Christianity and therefore quite excited and enthusiastic. They were previously pagan and therefore had not yet been “civilized.” They were disrupting the proceedings, making it impossible for anyone to receive the blessings of being taught.

And, now we are in the instant gratification real time world where we know what is happening every single second every where in the world. Television, radio, iPads…pods, cell phones and computer streaming afford us the opportunity to see and hear for ourselves what is transpiring around us. Therefore, we have to be even more careful about not falling prey to a random, “cherry picked” quote, phrase, or image.

When there are 50 photographers rapid firing cameras the chance of them recording an awkward, uncomfortable or unfortunate image is enormous. People are human beings and you can’t be human and not have an off moment. Try it sometime. Let someone sit in your home with you and just document every second and see what the images say about YOU. And then imagine if that person documenting your day liked you….or worse….didn’t like you. And they needed to enforce their feelings about you using images to lend a reality to the words they were going to write. If they didn’t like you, they would write their piece and use the most unflattering image at their disposal.

We see this every day and this is the reason I try to see, hear and watch as much as I can about the events of the day for myself. I like to draw my own conclusions and here they are.

1) Interchanges between husbands and wives are not always touchy feelie. Sometimes, they hold hands, sometimes they walk side by side without touching, sometimes they greet each other with a show of affection and sometimes they barely interact at all. You can’t read their relationship from any single event.

2) Meetings between world leaders have many tense moments, they also have moments of levity as well as respectful dignity. When there is a language barrier, the awkward factor is going to amp up quite a lot due to the lag time in translation being delivered and heard. Don’t speculate on what you think is being disrespectful until you know personally what it is like to have to listen to someone speak a language you don’t understand and wait for that to be translated and delivered to your ear and then processed by your brain.

3) People thrust into new situations are often very uncomfortable until they get their legs under them enough to understand the ins and outs of where they find themselves. Picture yourself in a new job….how comfortable were you on your first day as opposed to a year down the road. I am a pretty good “secretary” but just having a grasp of what that term defines does not mean that I don’t spend more than a few days feeling overwhelmed in a new job, a new building, around new people, and trying to fit into a new protocol that is inherent to that business and the work environment they have put in place. Being a secretary for the governor of a state would be much different than being the secretary of the pastor of a church.

4) Maybe we all need to be less concerned with the actions, body language, and images being tossed around ad nauseam and take a few beats to judge. Watch what they show you, but watch it in connection to the event as a whole and maybe go out there in the vast super highway of internet exposure and look for some things that don’t support that viewpoint and weigh them for yourself.
Unfortunately, most of us just stick to the team of “cherry pickers” we agree with and we discount the “cherry pickers” in the other field. Maybe we need to remember that all the cherries need to be harvested and it takes all the pickers to get it done.

As I See It

2017-01-30T11:55:00.003-06:00

This has been pricking the back of my brain for quite a while now. It has taken me a minute to work out how to reconcile my conflicting feelings on this issue.

In the wake of a tempest tossed sea of campaigning, elections, outrage, elation, emotional breakdowns, snowflake meltdowns, celebrity cuckoo birds, and downright insanity - I've often found myself off balance. Wondering.....how do I feel about this, or that, or this again.

But lately, with all the back and forth regarding immigrants I've had to seriously concentrate on trying to get a handle on my own personal position.

Yes, we are a nation of immigrants, a huge melting pot of humanity who fled their countries of origin for a whole host of reasons. But, one of those reasons was NOT to pretend to assimilate into life here with the express purpose of bringing down the country we came to for comfort. We maintained our individual heritages and yet managed to come together under a single identity - that of Americans.

And let us remember, it was a different time...there were no airplanes, no automatic weapons, no cell phones, or pressure cookers to be blown up. If you had a problem with someone, and let's face it, we did - you took up the weapon of the day and fought it out. Someone always won, someone always lost. Sometimes we were better for the struggle, sometimes not, but when the bag was shaken up and spilled out again, we all spilled out as Americans and sometimes we had things happen to us that polarized us in that identity, horrible tragedies that broke our hearts, but not our backbones.

In our beginning days of nation building, there were ideological differences which often led to dastardly cowardly acts of sedition or assassination for which many were summarily hung, even women. We had no problem taking care of our own knitting.

So, this was a long trip to get to my point....and there are several.

Immigrants - yes, we are. Except for indigenous American Indians, we all came here from somewhere else. But, we came escaping a myriad of problems, ideological differences, civil war, famine, and oppression to find something better. We didn't come here to reconstruct America into that which we had fled from. And, by and large we did not come here to kill the other people we found here. Yes, yes, I know we have a bad history with the Indians and that is regrettable at best, they were doing the only thing they knew how to do which was wage war on encroachers and we responded in kind and what we allowed to happen to them was horrific and to me is one of the greatest embarrassments our nation has to bear.

The Statue of Liberty - lately there has been much said about the message on the statue of Liberty as our government's duty toward the world. While the message is lofty, soaring and full of hope and promise it was a gift to the United States from France. Gifted to a nation of immigrants who had successfully assimilated themselves into a great nation. This message was not part of our Constitution. Our government has an explicit duty to protect and defend our citizens from all enemies both foreign and domestic. I have absolutely NO issue with anyone who desires to live here and share in the beauty of our country, but they have to become our countrymen. They cannot come here with the desire burning in their hearts and minds that we are a part of some holy war they are weaponized against.

The President - like them or hate them, no matter who sits in the chair in the oval office IS the President of everyone who calls themselves an American. If you cannot respect the office of President as a citizen then you should move elsewhere. Does this mean I believe you should rubber stamp their behavior? Absolutely not, we should hold our leaders accountable. ALL.OF.THEM. And to purposely introduce incendiary language into our country where the President is concerned should be actionable. Do you have any idea the amount of chaos and danger we would all be in if someone assassinated our President? Some of us remember the assassination of Kennedy which ushered in LBJ who was unapologetic in his grand scheme to re-enslave the black voters by making them dependent on the government which would in turn bring about the control of the Democratic party for the next century. Don't take my word for it.....look it up for yourself. Our current Democratic party is not the party of our great grandparents. And those people who pretend to be Republicans (RHINOs) are the lowest form of a political entity I can imagine. Republicans In Name Only accomplish nothing for the party they supposedly represent and are in fact little more than the sneaky little pea shooters for the opposition.

Walls/Fences - We, as a thinking people, know that borders, walls, fences, enclosures, or whatever type of non-encroachment word you like to use.......are freaking necessary. If they weren't we would all be living in tents with no possessions. We fence in our school children. Why? To protect them, both from them wandering off or someone else wandering in. We fence in our criminals. Why? To protect the citizenry from further acts of the violence they've proven themselves capable of. We fence in our livestock. Why? Because they are an asset and mostly not bright and they can't be trusted to remain where they should. We fence our yards. Why? To protect our pets, our children, and our assets. The borders of a country....any country....should be such that we can be watchful of the influx of people who do not wish us well.

Love everybody - well this is a great and lofty thought founded in Christianity which seems to now be used as both an uplifting message and a means of punishment as well. Don't speak to me of "we are better than this" when some of us are worried about RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS (yes, I said the words) are pouring into our country when we ignore the thousands of our own children in foster care, refusing to even do something as simple as help to support those over burdened foster parents with meals, or diapers, or anything else. And God forbid we shake up our easy little home life by fostering or adopting! I truly believe there are people in this country who would take in a Syrian refugee before they would open their home to a hurting child. I am as compassionate a person as you could hope to find, but I believe in fixing "US" before we presume to fix anyone else. Let us place as high a value on our elderly, our babies, our veterans, our people with disabilities, and our students as we say we value everyone else. Each person who comes into this country who does not assimilate by becoming a citizen, learning the language, and becoming gainfully employed is a dead drain on the battery of life for every other person here. Our infrastructure simply cannot withstand any more people who simply want to move to American but not contribute to the American way of life. And those people are a potential threat to us all. And the hypocrisy of Liberal Christians who have fallen silent about the thousands of Christians being slaughtered overseas is mind boggling.

And, there are millions of fine vocal Americans who believe that they have the right to sit on their widening backsides and allow someone else to take care of them. Many of them have had difficulty finding jobs and have given up....but they should be the first of us standing and applauding the effort to create more jobs in America rather than complaining about how we are alienating other nations. Haven't you figured it out yet? Other nations, with the exception of a few (Israel comes to mind) don't give a flying fig about America and are waiting for us to fall so they can pick clean the bones of what was once a mighty nation.

An Open Letter to You, and You....and You

2017-01-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

What's it been now....two years....give or take a week or two? At least two years when we all started considering who might be the next President, and anguishing over the lack of really inspiring candidates. After all, most of those really GOOD men and women with great inspirational characters would rather take a bayonet to the eyeball than put themselves into the political lion's den. Many were called, fewer were chosen, some ran like rabbits and in the end only two remained.

I feel like a talent agent who discovered a Marilyn Monroe in a coffee shop on the corner of BFE....I SAW Trump from the beginning. I saw him, I heard him, I laughed at him, I wondered about him and more than a few times, I cringed over him. But, he made me feel things. Each encounter I had with him via TV made me engage with him. Sometimes, it was a visceral not nice engagement. Other times it was an "I wonder what this guy was like in junior high school" engagement. And, sometimes, it was "this guy must be an amazing businessman."

I have said for a long time that America is a business...the biggest business in the world and it needs a business man to hold the reins. We spend too much, we don't account for things correctly, we don't protect our investments, and we don't recognize that when the takers in a society outnumber the makers in our society, we are doomed to fail. My husband didn't agree with me....AT ALL. He was a late arrival on the Trump Train, but he kept inching closer to getting a seat as more and more of those career legacy politicians left unsavory flavors in his mouth that he couldn't ignore.

So, whether or not you like it, or like me, on the dawn of this momentous moment in our American history, you are going to receive my opinion. You are forewarned....if you don't want it, click off now. I am going to use my right as an American citizen - old, white, not privileged, under educated, female, to speak my mind.

First I will address the Jackass in the room (I wanted to say elephant, but that is my party's symbol so I had to go in a different direction.) My great grandparents were yellow dog Democrats. I actually remember hearing my Great Grandfather (whom I adored) tell his granddaughters, "If I ever find out you have voted Republican I will personally beat you bloody." He felt that way because the Democratic party began as a party for the people (unfortunately, they also have quite a history in being anti-black, pro-slavery, anti-feminist, pro KKK, and a great many other platforms on which they stand with righteous indignation today.) In fairness, so do those who grace the "other" side of the aisle. Pawpaw had such an impact on his granddaughters that one of them voted Democratic until she died because she thought it was the right thing to do regardless of how she felt herself. Such was the respect she had for that man.

I did not vote for Hillary Clinton. I have never voted for anyone because they were black, brown, yellow, white, male or female. I vote because I feel things and I trust my instincts. I AM a woman and I know women far better than I would like to and as a woman she made me uncomfortable. Had she been the woman my heart believed was right for America I would have marched, burned my bra (happily), donned unattractive pant suits and stood right there with her..........but I couldn't.

The reason I couldn't is because I am tired. I am tired of the same old business as usual, legacy entitled political machine that believes they are the only people with ideas, the only people with social conscience, and the only ones who manage to put one foot in front of the other and walk through the world. We don't need our leaders to tell us how to live....we're doing it every day. For the most part we don't need a moral compass - we need someone to be strong.

The thing that has pushed me to the limit is the fact that unless you are a certain color, sexual orientation or lack of one, or live in California or New York....you simply do not exist....you do not matter....you aren't smart....you need guidance....you need to be taken care of or protected from yourself.

And then...along came Trump. With his funny hair, his erratic movements, his outrageous personality, and his complete inability to back down when he felt he had been wronged. He didn't whine about the fact that he was talked about because he was a man, or had funny hair, or that he had failed at a lot of things, or had no political experience....he simply fired back and more often than not hit his target. If news organizations are telling overt lies about you, are you supposed to shrivel up and die? Or, should you whip out the worn out race or gender card? Or, should you state your case, and let the chips fall.

I found myself, often, over the past 8 years hypnotized. That even, dead calm delivery left me wondering at the end....what was said? Maybe it is because I myself, am blunt, direct, to the point, and often speak without forming complete sentences because my ideas are coming so quickly I seem erratic - but I find the brisker, pointed, and get down to business language easier to understand. I don't like 10 minute answers to a "what time is it?" question. Tell me what time it is don't tell me how to build a clock or the history behind clocks. Answers that are filled with many big words strung together resonate with me as an effort to sacrifice quality for quantity and lull me to sleep where I'm not paying close enough attention.

I am a different person - I know that. I don't respond often as a "typical" woman and I am not easily offended unless you make the mistake of discounting my intelligence or ability to understand issues and platforms for myself. And, I don't appreciate someone else being discounted because they don't speak as eloquently as some or swagger through life like a seasoned politician. I don't need my information filtered through the hearts, minds, and mouths of people who view themselves as much smarter - I kind of like hearing from the person themselves and deciding for myself how I feel about it.

Eight years ago, I watched with a prayerful heart and tears in my eyes. Not because I was angry about the outcome of the election but because I genuinely felt it was an amazing moment in history. I prayed and hoped it would finally close the door on a division in our country. President Obama was not my candidate, but he was my President and I prayed for him and his entire administration every day. To wish him ill would have been wishing ill on my country, my countrymen and myself. In my mind, this is the definition of an American - God, family, country.

Today, I again stand with a prayerful heart and tears in my eyes, hopeful that we can regain our country because I truly believe this is our last chance. And I know that God rarely calls the qualified. He instead chooses to qualify those He calls. And today, once again, I get to witness a great moment in our nation's history that confirms for me what I was taught to believe as a child. The greatness of our nation that assures anyone that they can grow up and one day become President of the United States of America.

I am finished with political posts and commentary, I instead choose to spend my energy on helping our new President accomplish what we need. I did it 8 years ago and maintained until I just couldn't see the reason to continue to support someone who did not respect or represent my core values. I assure you that should our 45th President prove to be a disappointment I will be reflecting my displeasure at the polls where contrary to what I once believed, votes really do matter.

I thank you all for taking this journey with me whether you've ever agreed with me or not. I respect you all and wish you well and I urge you to give this guy a chance. Don't enter into tomorrow automatically discounting his ability or desire to accomplish great things. We all have greatness within us and with God's help that greatness can come forth in a mighty way. Don't label yourself as anything other than an American.

The Unfriending of America

2016-11-28T12:23:00.003-06:00

While I personally have seen a lot of good stem from social media and increased abilities to instantaneously communicate and connect with other people, there is a disturbing undercurrent raging these days.

Never before have we had such a climate of contentious happenings and over powering opinions. Well…..opinions are like that bodily orifice which shall remain nameless…we all have one. Some of us are better at expressing ours, some of us buy what we are spoon fed by others, some of us believe anything and everything we read and hear, others refuse to believe what they see with their own eyes, some of us ignore the rattling skeletons in our own closets while dragging others through the sludge, and fewer of us take the time to be well informed and truly knowledgeable about what we believe. We are all different…we are diverse…we are each unique…and we are each important.

Many years ago I was told there were two things you should absolutely NOT discuss….religion and politics. I used to wonder why because both of those subjects were interesting to me personally because I wanted to know why people thought and felt the way they did about those two issues in particular.

After the past few years, I no longer wonder why those things should be taboo. Those two things can cause more misunderstandings, divisiveness, and actual pain than anything else on earth.
We are a better informed people….some of us are at least, but all of us want to think we have the answers and it usually fits our own agenda and how we will personally be affected by that viewpoint. Does it make any of us wrong? Therein lies the question of the ages…..if you base your opinions on your own experience and your own need and your own information….are you wrong? And, if someone respectfully disagrees with you based on their own beliefs and tries to bring another tier of discussion to the table, how should you handle that? I believe a respectful and free thinking people are enriched by good and honest debate.

About 5 years ago I started to see a trend in my own social media experience. Suddenly….there were some folks who had dropped me like a hot rock because I didn’t think or feel the same way they did. I am grateful, I think, that they didn’t make grand pronouncements….they just sort of slipped away. It made me sad….some of them I had known since I was very very little….but because I had differing opinions, they chose to “break fellowship” with me. And, I missed them.

The first instance of this happening made me vow that I would never be someone who cut ties with anyone because I did not agree with them in a social media forum. And….I have remained true to that vow. I’m not going to say that I have failed to express myself both on my own postings and the postings of others because I most certainly have utilized my right to defend my position when I felt I should but I will say I have tried very very hard to be respectful, kind, humorous and tolerant in doing so. I hope I’ve been successful. If I haven’t, I have no doubt someone will make sure to point it out to me.

One of the things that has been most disturbing to me is the willingness of people to allow their “like minded” so called friends to verbally eviscerate someone who disagrees with them….even if that person is someone they have a very close connection with. Does this mean we are willing to lose very real people in our lives in order to have the stamp of approval of those we will probably never have to physically interact with in life ever again? Allowing anyone to call someone else vile, disgusting and a traitor to their race or gender on one of your posts is simply unacceptable to me. And….I don’t care who you are….or how thick your skin is….things like that are hurtful.

One of the things that might fix our divisions in some small way is if we could manage to communicate without resorting to hateful name calling or labeling those of us who feel differently than we do. And we are all responsible for how we allow people to be treated in our commentary….you cannot plead for tolerance for all people while allowing someone to be shouted down and maligned without your own intervention.

It seems that the ability to hide behind a keyboard and a monitor while sipping coffee in our pajamas is not making us a kinder group of people. We are retreating into our own little comfy bubbles of our own opinions while forgetting some of the people who might disagree with us actually really love us and are the ones who are listening when we have problems and are the ones who will “step up” in spite of a ridiculous difference of opinion.

And so, in closing, if I liked you last year…..I still do. If I loved you last year….I still do, more in fact. If I’ve allowed anyone to disrespect your opinion by labeling you or trying to make you feel less than you are….I am horribly sorry. If you’ve allowed that to happen to me….I forgive you. I’m hurt, but I forgive you and am waiting to resurrect that which has been lost between us. But, if you are content with a separation I release you and wish you peace!

Brushes

2016-10-11T11:23:00.001-05:00

This was my childhood paintbrush. When all I saw were the colors black and white. There was good....there was bad, hot and cold, up and down. I had not yet learned the different shades of black or the infinite boredom of only white. I believed what I was told by everyone because I had not yet learned that there were things such as lies, betrayal....lukewarm feelings. The revelation of those things caused me to learn to paint sometimes with gray....neutral...non-threatening....easy because it blended with everything and offended nothing.

As a grew a little older my paintbrush was heavy with the colors of the rainbow and all the shades in between. I learned to look for nuances in shade and tonality and I began to see people as colors. Some people were vivid....vibrant. Others were plain and pale and uninteresting. I wanted to be all the colors....but more than any I wanted to be a bright, happy, and sunshiny yellow. While my childhood was often turbulent, it was full of events that sometimes made me have to step out from the comfortable places and face things. Sometimes I faced them with my rainbow paint brush, making things seem better than they were. And, sometimes, I reverted to unassuming, non-confrontational gray.

As time passed I found myself defined by other colors....like maroon and white which represented my school, my friends, and my safe haven in times of trouble because more than occasionally I found areas of my life were very black. During these times....I found myself longing for the grey days when I could simply blend with little expected of me. But, for me, gray was cowardly, so, I threw myself into maroon and white with like minded people and spent several years hiding out in the colors of my cheer uniform.

I became older....terribly old at 18....and I married. Often my paint brush during this time was bright red....blood red....angry, angry red.

But my babies came along and the purity of the love I had for them turned my paint brush a soft pink. This became my favorite brush and I tried to make it last as long as I could, but sometimes the other colors leaked in and I found that each time they did, my pretty soft pink brush just didn't paint quite as nicely as before.

I've often had a passing romance with a blue brush when tears fell like rain and mixed with every other color making a confusion of patterns.

I've even painted with a green brush from time to time....envious of other people and other things....things that seemed easier and more pleasant than what my own reality had become. I've dabbled in dirty brown paint that was hard to clean off and I've often been a ridiculous shade of purple - so angry I boiled.

I've come to know that each color I've painted with for a season represented what kind of person I was at the time. Even when I revisited certain colors their vibrance was a little different, sometimes softer....sometimes bordering on a disturbing neon version.

I'm different today. I paint a lot in red....not because I'm angry anymore, but because I like it....it is strong and can stand up to other colors. I also paint in yellow now more than ever...because I've found I can be happy with myself even when others are not. I am the only one who knows my heart. I still have moments when blue and green come calling but I'm happy to say that brown and black are nearly a thing of the past. I don't have time for them....my life left is short and I don't want dirty or hurtful things to color any of my days. I learned to use gray again, because it is in my gray areas that I find my tolerance for others who may not think as I do or agree with me. The tolerance for differences and the tolerance that helps me understand that someone may be having their season with a particular paint brush and they just need to paint it out till it is finished.

I am so very different than I was at 14, 18, 25, 40....50. In fact, probably my biggest transformation has come in the last 5 or 6 years. Life dealt me an exhausting and heart wrenching blow that changed me forever. I struggled to find anything that remotely could represent that time frame for me and all I can think of was that I was painting for a while in transparency.

My feelings were out there, raw like an open wound but most of the time I felt almost invisible. With the exception of a very few people, I don't think anyone was aware of the magnitude of my isolation. Losing your mother as an only child of hers with no one to share that pain....that ripping hurt and then having to nearly single handedly spend years putting her life and her things away was demoralizing and sometimes dehumanizing.

I was a living ghost going through the motions of life, trying to hold together my own fragile person. On the day I shredded the final piece of paper of all the records mom had kept for decades was the day I begin to feel a lightening in my spirit. As the last tax return (from 1962) slid through the shredder with staple intact it seemed to pull my anger, pain and disappointment with it.

It didn't happen quickly or easily but finally, all the things that seemed so important and all the issues I felt so strongly about sort of faded into softer shades of themselves and I gathered them in to my colorful life and tried to make sure they remained part of my palette but that none of them would ever dominate the picture again.

I have strong feelings....even stronger opinions but I have learned a tolerance for things I never thought I would. It is not that I agree with them, but I have realized that I can only paint my picture with the colors God has provided me with and allow others to do the same.

More than anything else, I've realized that I am strong and if I were not me I think I would like the person I am today. The bristles on my brush are more than a little worn and there is evidence of all the past colors used and cleaned and used again, but more and more I find myself picking up the happy colors. I have days. Days when I go black, dark and dirty.....I hope that is natural. I think what is important is to learn to not live in the dark and dismal side of life. To always be seeking the light and happy moments that make things better for ourselves and maybe eventually for others...particularly those who might have gotten splashed with some of our more unattractive colors when we weren't being very careful with our life...our words.

Peace my friends....pray for each other....those you know and those you don't. Pray for our county and the people in authority over us. Pray for me that I will one day lose all my brushes but the happy ones.

In the Beauty Pageant of Life, Just Call Me....

2016-06-21T11:00:00.003-05:00

Miss Understood

I guess we all have those moments when we wish other people had insight into our circumstances without us having to rip open our hearts and show the bleeding remains of heartbreak.

As I get older, I am seeing a greater disconnect between people and with that comes a more distinct unwillingness to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. People no longer seem to even attempt an understanding of what someone else has struggled through or is wrestling with in the moment. We as a body of human beings are losing much of our humanity in only thinking about how someone else's behavior is affecting US.

No one should have to explain their personal pain, and yet....if we don't, someone is most certainly apt to get offended and stay that way. To that end...I am just going to lay my "stuff" out there for anyone who cares to know. And if they still are resentful or hate filled at the end of it, then I am just going to have to say "that burr is remaining under your saddle blanket by YOUR choice."

I'll go back a ways and briefly do a personal history first. My biological parents divorced when I was very very little. So small that I don't remember them being married at all. I was raised by my mother and step-father. My mom had always been a caregiver for HER mother and never enjoyed being able to feel like she was the child - she was always pushed into a parental role. Because of this, she wasn't the most "touchy feely" mom in the world. My step-dad suffered with the pain of not having his own biological children with him and had difficulty at times being the daddy a little girl needed and wanted. My biological father disconnected emotionally from me at a very young age and was always this shadow figure that I knew should hold importance in my life, but I could never effect a re-knitting of our relationship.

As I grew older, my step-dad and I became closer and began to bond as a family should. Part of this was due to the fact that my step-brothers came to live with us, and so, Daddy had what he had always wanted and needed in his life. Fortunately, my step-brothers and I became close as well and our family as a whole was better for their inclusion into it.

All of these things set the stage for what has been the darkest of nightmares in my life. In the span of approximately 4 years....I lost my Daddy, then my oldest brother Nick, and then my brother Dave. And then....I lost my mind. I had a total mental breakdown which had been building due to an undiagnosed medical condition and kicked over the cliff by not 1, not 2...but 3 deaths in rapid succession in my immediate family.

My medical problem was revealed and treated and I grieved for my family and began to heal. However, while all this was happening I was also "doing" life. I had a great husband and a big family I was partially responsible for. My husband and I both worked very hard but we struggled in our attempts to manage financially and to "blend" 2 families. All of the 6 kids involved were in their teens and all but 2 lived with us full time.

I will stop here and state that I genuinely love all of these now adult kids. Roger and I were different types of parents but we each had areas of strengths where the other was weak and I felt it was a very do-able process. I will be the first to say I am in no way a good candidate for mother of the year, but I have given motherhood my very best shot with both my own and Roger's kids. Roger, on the other hand, is a fantastic dad! He is 100% selfless in his approach to life and the people in it. I wish I were worthy of his example.

We had hiccups, bumps in the road, misunderstandings, out and out fights, and a lot of tears, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Both of us lost our jobs, we tried to have our own business (twice) but because of the economy and a situation of no cushion to hold us up during the early formative days of business, we were not successful in keeping that balloon in the air. The really horrible part of that was while we were struggling to keep a business going, we were barely paying our own bills and we had two of our sons working for us. We tried to make sure they got paid, even when we didn't. We sunk every dime we had into it until it sunk us. And yet, even still, we also had a lot of fun and laughter. It worked....or I thought it did.

But then.....my mom got sick. I quit my job with a local landscaper and went to Amarillo right after Thanksgiving that year. I was still recovering from H1N1 and had very little emotional or physical strength. Roger was watching his business fall apart right in front of his eyes and neither one of us could lean on the other. We both had to just stand on our own and try to make things better without burdening the other. It was a bleak time. It was an unhappy time. It was a damn frightening time.

I spent the entire month of December 2009, in Amarillo by myself (with visits and support from very good friends) while Roger remained in Arkansas trying to hold our life together. My days were filled with visiting my mom in rehab, watching her deteriorate mentally, and packing and moving all of her household goods into storage. I had been told she would no longer be able to live by herself and with no family in Texas to help, I needed (and wanted) to bring her to Arkansas with me. To say mom didn't want this is an understatement and so we struggled with each other over that repeatedly. On January 4, 2010, my daughter Kaylee flew to Amarillo and she and I drove my mom, her clothes and a few of her possessions from Texas to Fort Smith. Roger and I installed her in our house, in our bedroom... in our bed.

The weather was horrendous that year and we were basically housebound for several days. But, mom's spirits had improved and she finally seemed to be okay with the realization that her life would be here now instead of "home." For many months, Roger's dad had been very ill as well, and he and his siblings were rotating in and out of the caregiver role. I was so glad he had brothers and a sister to share that burden....it is an awful thing to shoulder alone.

Mom started having "spells" and eventually had to be hospitalized. As our luck would have it, my mom was in a hospital room while 2 doors down in the same hospital Roger's dad was fighting for his life. Again, neither of us could lean on each other - we each had our hands full and while Roger had his siblings, I had no one. I just couldn't ask my kids to walk that journey with mom as she had settled into full blown dementia and I just never knew what she might say or do.

After almost 3 long weeks in the hospital mom just gave up. She passed away and her last words to me were angry ones because she truly didn't know what she was doing or saying....but it hurt all the same. Mom's passing left me with a full time job of settling her affairs, dealing with all the remains of her life and trying to work my own recovered job at the same time.

I was of no use to my husband or anyone else. I sank deeply into my own knee jerk reactionary mode and just went about the task of trying to settle things as quickly as I could. My poor husband was watching his dad lose his fight and he was losing his own fight for his business - none of which I could help with except to try to help financially. Emotionally I had nothing.........for anyone.

There was non-stop arrangements to be made. A funeral here with a memorial and burial in Texas. The sale of her home and tying up the loose ends of her life in Amarillo. All of which I was having to do long distance, which meant marathon telephone calls and having to impose on friends in Texas to do things for me. Things like check on her house, keep the appliances running, the yard cleaned up and then showing that house to potential buyers. There was not one moment of one day when I could just let down and allow my mind to rest. Once the house was sold, there was the chore of moving all her worldly goods from Amarillo to Fort Smith and putting them into storage here. I spent over a year sitting in a storage unit for a lot of time, practically daily, sorting through things, tossing things, piling things in categories and crying. My mom died in January of 2010 and about 8 months ago I finally shredded my last document and was able to see an end to what my life had become. It was at that moment that I finally allowed myself to begin to truly grieve for mom, for daddy, my father, two of my brothers and a few furry friends along the way. I couldn't afford myself that luxury before that moment.

During this time, Roger lost his Dad and his Mom. Both were devastating losses for him, but losing his Dad was particularly hard because he always had his dad as his sounding board and his staunchest supporter. I hope I was able to pull myself out of my own fog enough to be of some help to him. I'm almost afraid to ask. On top of all the actual human loss, there had also been the loss of two jobs with nice incomes, both Roger's and my own, people we loved who were struggling with problems, and just the general day to day life events that everyone has.

But over the course of the past 6 years, our family crumbled and I know that I am to blame a great deal for it happening. I hate it. I hate it so much that I would do anything to fix it.......and I feel like I've tried. But if you only have the materials to build 2 walls of a room you can't finish it without the other 2.

I will not make excuses for doing what I had to do during those 6 years to survive, to stay sane, and to bring myself back from the edge of the abyss. I am blessed with my husband who has allowed me to "feel" throughout this whole ordeal without putting pressure on me to pretend that I was in any way, shape or form....okay. Because I wasn't. And he and I had both arrived at the understanding of what happens when you squash your feelings so far down they sit on top of the internal raging inferno with nowhere to go but up and out when the pressure becomes too great. He and I are well matched, we love each other and in spite of what a lot of people think we are truly happy together. We have a lot of unhappy moments, mostly rooted in the fact that our family is shredded and there seems to be absolutely nothing either of us can do to fix it.

Am I sorry? Oh my goodness, yes. A thousand times yes. Do I still love everyone in my family? Infinitely and eternally. Can I guarantee that there will never be problems or issues again? No...I can't. And I shouldn't be expected to have to live up to anyone else's ideal me. I am deserving of being myself and being forgiven and loved in spite of my warts, flaws and shortcomings. Everyone is deserving of this.

I guess the lyrics of that song about walking a mile in other people's shoes might be helpful to some. I know that because of my journey these past 6 years, I am certainly a much more tolerant person than I ever was before. And I've also come to understand that just because people don't talk about what they are struggling with, it doesn't mean they aren't suffering and doing the absolute best they can do. It also doesn't mean that just because someone doesn't call you out on your behavior, they approve of it.

Stagnant Water

2016-06-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

God has blessed me with a very good memory. At this time in my life I am most grateful for that blessing, even though, I do occasionally drop the ball and forget something "today" - I remember my life's milestones pretty vividly.

Growing up, I attended a VERY small school in the Texas panhandle. How small was it? You ask.

This was my entire 8th grade graduating class!


Pringle Elementary 1964 I remember that night like it was yesterday. There were a lot of tears - we had been very sheltered in the 8 years we walked the halls of that little school. We had the equivalent of a private school education and we had great teachers! I'm not sure about the other 6, but I did not attend a pre-school or Kindergarten. I just started off in 1st grade, a little only child, and, for me, the first time I had experienced more than just a few other children remotely my age. Needless to say, we were all pretty tight...some of us still are. I do often wonder what happened to Gary Kelley, Freddie Mayfield, Sharon Freeman & Karen Blanton. But I know exactly where Canon Knight and Mary Hembree are and we talk from time to time. I remember the somber yet celebratory mood of the evening and the knowledge that after the tears and speeches, we would be headed to Borger for a Bar-B-Q dinner at Sutphens with our sponsors and parents. When I was this age, I was pretty smart...smart enough to be the Salutatorian of the class. No one could outsmart Karen - she was hands down the smartest chick I've ever known. As the Salutatorian, it fell to me to address the assembly. Back then, no one trusted you to write your own speech (and honestly, I'm not sure they should have....then....or now.) My speech was written by my English teacher, Rita Chisum. Mrs. Chisum was a great teacher, one I always tried not to disappoint. Disappointing Mrs. Chisum hurt......because she hurt for you. She was a fabulous role model and she gave me great words to say on an important night. Unfortunately, I can't remember the whole speech but I do remember one part of it, "Our lives must be always moving forward to remain fresh and full of promise. Like a river, we must be continually flowing - for standing water grows stagnant and stale. Nothing good grows in stagnant water." Over the course of my lifetime, this phrase has played out many times. And, I must admit that it has been a primary driving factor in what I do. It is the reason that I recently stepped out of my work comfort zone to learn something new. I went in an entirely different direction than the one I had spent my entire working career traveling. It is challenging, fast paced...it can be frustrating and the environment is busy and loud. I have to be quick....I have to be accurate and most of all....I have to be mentally alert, well rested and focused. There is no skating through my job as there is a great deal of accountability. There is also a great deal of satisfaction in knowing I still have the capacity to learn new things, to thrive in new environments and to be productive. I feel lucky. And I hope somewhere in some way I have made ALL of my teachers proud of the lump of wet clay they had a hand in molding into a person who is not content to stagnate.

Bless the Beasts AND the Children

2016-06-01T11:36:00.001-05:00

I’ve been listening for a couple of days at all the back and forth regarding the child who managed to get himself into the gorilla enclosure, leading to the death of the gorilla. I’ve listened to animal rights activists, parenting experts, zoo authorities, animal psychologists and hundreds of other so called “know it alls” on what happened, why it happened, how it could have been prevented and how it should have ended.

Here is what I know for me…….as a parent and grandparent……..and a lover of all animals large and small.

No matter how careful you are, at some point in your parenting career you have momentarily misplaced a child. They are like little colts, they bolt unexpectedly, their attention span is nil and they are determined to go where they shouldn’t go. The very nature of being a parent or a grandparent is one of hyper-vigilance and it is exhausting. I have quietly grieved and somewhat understood those people who have forgotten a child in the car. While I don’t think I ever could….I have no clue what someone else is dealing with that makes them just not present enough. And….I have no right to judge. Granted, I do believe that some of them were deliberately negligent and it breaks my heart. But for me to sit in my living room and rant and rave about how irresponsible people are would be hypocritical at best. I will say that given the fact our cars can tell us when our lights are on, our seat belts unfastened and our door unlocked they should be able to sense and alert when something weighing more than 10 pounds is on a seat. But that is a post for another day.

Confession time….when my son was still in diapers but mobile he would patrol the house looking for liquids to drink. One could not clear a table fast enough to avoid him trying to drink all the left over cups and glasses. At that time in my life, I painted….A LOT. And, one day I was sitting at my table painting when the phone rang (pre-cell phone days). I turned to pick up the phone and as I turned back I saw him replacing the orange juice container that had held about 1/4 of a cup of turpentine. Yep……he drank it. I grabbed him up and whisked him away to the doctor (you could still get in to see a doctor in those days as well) who gave me a laxative for him and recommended a good double diapering. I won’t go into the epic nature of the resulting blow out but he did have a nice burned bottom to show for my lack of attention (for a split second.)

Fast forward to a few years ago when I was baby sitting my granddaughter Audrey. We were sitting on the couch watching TV. I got up to use the restroom and came back and she was gone. For what seemed like a hour (probably more like 3 minutes) I tore my house apart. The doors were all locked…..the garage door was down….and yet I could not find her anywhere. I searched closets, cabinets, the washer and dryer and even resorted to looking inside the break maker………no kid. I was sobbing I was so terrified and yet I knew she had to be in that house somewhere. She would not answer me and I was scared to death. Finally……I said, “Audrey, I’m going to watch Monster House. Do you want to watch it with me?” From the corner of the living room came a small little “yes.” That child had been sitting under an end table right there in plain sight the whole time, hiding. This led to a discussion regarding the rules of hide ‘n seek. If I say 3 times, it’s time to come out….you HAVE to come out. My blood pressure did not return to normal for quite some time.

I confess these things to say I understand how things can go wrong and I feel badly for everyone when they do. Sometimes bad things happen to good people….sometimes bad things happen to bad people. Sometimes things just happen.

To me the greater question in the issue at hand is how an enclosure meant to secure a huge wild animal was able to be breached by a small child. And once it was the whole situation became a flaming train wreck headed to one ultimate conclusion. Something was going to have to be done and quickly. Wild animals are wild animals – they operate on instinct…..and they can flip a switch without any warning. Even the family dog that has always been a kind and patient animal has the capacity to revert to that inner wolf given the right provocation.

Was there a different ending for this story……..maybe. But, I don’t know it. I don’t know the animal in question…..didn’t know his nature or habits. Sedating him might have worked and it might not have. Again….we never know what single action will flip the switch on the nature of a beast.
I am an animal lover and yet I have no problem with eating meat. I believe God put plants and animals here for man to use and enjoy. I don’t agree with hunting unless you are putting food on your table. I do believe the meat industry could do a much better job of being humane in the treatment of food animals. And wild animals are a mysterious source of wonder to me. Zoos are the only opportunity I will ever have to see the magnificent animals found in the wild. And I believe that for the most part good conservation is practice by zoo authorities.

But………..I believe the life of a child trumps the life of a beast in this situation. It was not the child’s fault he found himself at risk. Maybe it wasn’t anyone’s fault…..it was just one of those random crappy things that happen that give us all the opportunity to sit back and arm chair quarterback the play by play. We all have an opinion but that doesn’t mean we are right. I venture to say there are a lot of people who feel dreadfully about how this played out and even more who are second guessing their own actions and behaviors in resolving it.

Be careful in loud affirmations that you WOULD NEVER, COULD NEVER be in the situation all those people found themselves in that day. Because you very well could and might if you deal with beasts and children on a daily basis.

God bless all the beasts (large and small)
And all the children (short and tall)
And all the parents and standers by
Who had to bear witness….
Bless those who cried.
Bless those in charge
Who had to decide
And bless dear God
The beast who died.
And bless the child with infinite measure,
Help him know his life is a treasure.

Perfect

2016-05-06T10:04:00.000-05:00

"Probably there is nothing in human nature more resonant with charges than the flow of energy between two biologically alike bodies, one of which has lain in amniotic bliss inside the other, one of which has labored to give birth to the other. The materials are here for the deepest mutuality and the most painful estrangement." - Adrienne Rich

As I reflect back on motherhood, as the child, as an observer, and an active participant, I find the above quote to be absolutely on point.

Maya Angelou described her own mother as a "hurricane in its perfect power" and "the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow." Wow! She must have known my mother too.

I believe that you never fully understand or appreciate your own mother until you are one yourself. It is in those dark moments of worry in the wee hours of the night wondering where your child is and what they are doing, that make you regret the agony you inflicted on the one person who would lay down their life for you.

When it has been a minute since you've seen your children's faces, you wonder how often your own mom yearned to see yours.

A thoughtless, unkind word delivered from the mouths of your own seedlings sends a dart of poisonous regret through your heart when you remember how often you were short, unthinking and hurtful to the one who would forgive you anything and everything.......and did.

Did my mom ever wish I would just show up unannounced only to spend a moment with her? While she might have wished it, my mom knew that was impossible because we lived too far apart. And my mom was fiercely independent. She enjoyed being on her own, having her own life, doing her own stuff. When she was alive, I might call her only to have her say "did you need something?" "No......I was just calling to check on you." Wrong Answer! She was fine thank you very much and after all we had just talked last week.

While that stung a little, I have come to know that she knew I couldn't fix anything for her. And, maybe....just maybe....had I called the day before, she might have actually needed to talk to me. She was busy living and being present in her own life and her own space. And...good for her.

And, while she still loved me completely she was okay with me having my own life. It was my knowledge of my failings as a daughter that made those moments of disconnect so painful for me.

As a girl, a little girl, I thought my mom was perfect. As I grew older, I expected her to be perfect. And, ultimately the time came when I "saw" her as the perfectly flawed individual she was. And, shame on me....I resented her for it. Yes, I knew that everyone had their little blemishes and warts....but my mother was supposed to be perfect.

I mean....come on! This was the person I was supposed to listen to! This was my role model, the person responsible for shaping me into a good role model for my own children and a beautiful partner for a husband.

This woman was my road map to being LOVELY, and she was anything but lovely herself at times. Her standards were unreachable, her temper a frightening thing to behold, her criticisms were biting and much too often right on the button.

She did not raise me to think I was a fantastic person, even though she often told others that I was. She frequently remarked on my use of hair color (when I wasn't coloring my hair), and never failed to mention that after worrying about me not eating as a child, she was surprised to see that I had gotten "fat." Not heavy, not plump, certainly not voluptuous....just plain old fat. I would venture a guess that she never said that about me to anyone else....other than family.

Mom did not guard her tongue. And while that was certainly disconcerting at times, in some ways it was delightfully refreshing. You always knew where you stood, what she approved or disapproved of, and exactly what she was thinking. I've realized, with time, that she operated in the only way she knew how. She had not grown up with a loving, engaged, and nurturing mother herself. Therefore, she lacked a certain amount of insight into child rearing. We were both lucky that through my formative years, I was a pretty easy kid to raise. It was only after I reached the teenager period that we chafed against each other.

But....I also saw her loving, compassionate nature exhibited in her care of her own mother throughout her life. She had taken care of her mother when she was a child and continued to do so as a grown woman. She also never complained about the toll my Daddy's illness took on her. She was a born nurse and it was in these situations that she shined. She had been a care giver her entire existence and it was almost as if she never quite knew what to do with herself without someone who was ill to look after.

Mom raised me to be humble, hard working, independent, and STRONG. She taught me that it was okay to be myself. Imperfectly perfect and perfectly flawed. At some point, my own children will have occasion to look back on their own mother and analyze what made her tick. That frightens me a little. My husband has told me that the dynamic between my mother, myself, and my daughter is one he can't figure out. Maybe it is because (and none of us EVER want to admit it) we are very much alike at our core. We are like the bumpers posts in an old pinball machine sending objects and people ricocheting off of us. There is a lot of noise and confusion at times.

While my relationship with my son in its early years was hard, that has leveled off and we have settled into a pretty good place with each other. Boys are like that...I think they really want to see the best and think the best of their moms. My daughter was an easy raise and for a long time...she adored me. I mean she was absolutely mine. As she grew older, she came to know my failings and faults as well. I feel bad about that because I know how much it hurts to see those unlovely things in your mother (your role model) and try to find a slot to shove them in. And bless her little heart....she has two daughters. The circle of mothers and daughters Chapter 5. But, I am in awe of her as a mother. I couldn't imagine a better person to raise my granddaughters.

And so, on Mother's Day...I pay tribute to my Perfect Mother who in all her imperfections became the standard I will forever hold myself to. Thank you mom, for loving this imperfect creature you gave birth to and for always forgiving me in my shortcomings as your child. Oh, and mom, do you know what that white stuff is in bird crap? No..................it's bird crap, mom. (for the 100th time - she always fell for it)