We know what your future holds.

This week, the TCGS gang is very happy to predict your future for you. When the show goes live on Wednesday, call us up at 212-757-1393. Tell us some facts about your past. Tell us some perceptions about your present. We will take that information, discuss it, and predict your future.

I promise that we will be right 100% of the time. History will prove us correct.

Joining our panel is the esteemed Amy Poehler! I couldn’t be more excited to welcome Amy to the show. Not only has she been a great friend to me over the years, she’s supported me more than almost anyone I can think of. On top of that, she built the UCB Theater literally with her hands, and it became my home at the age of 19. I can vouch for Amy’s credibility as a future predictor and shaper as she provided me a home and support at a young age and effectively helped shape mine as much as anyone!

It’s beyond obvious to say that Amy is one of the best in the game and I couldn’t be more excited that she’s stopping by the show. Also, our writing staff will vouch for the fact that I’ve never been more nervous about putting my best forward than I have this week as we plan this episode and I’ve sent over 30 completely neurotic emails about it.

Should be fun!

On top of all that, we have musical guest Zs on the program! Zane, one of our music bookers, let us know that Zs are a band he’s wanted on the show since he started booking acts for us. And I can see why! The band’s Wikipedia page – a source of reliable information if there ever was one – says that Zs “is primarily concerned with making music that challenges the mental and physical limitations of both performer and listener.” If ever there was an intriguing description for a band that sounds like they should have a home at TCGS, it’s this one!

Gonna be a good show! TICKETS FOR THIS EPISODE ARE ALREADY SOLD OUT. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ASKING TO BE ON THE LIST IF YOU’RE NOT ON IT ALREADY. AND IF YOU SHOW UP AND AREN’T ON THE LIST, YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE. IT’S NOT US TRYING TO BE DICKS, IT’S A FIRE CODE THING. PLEASE CUT US SOME SLACK ON THIS AND DON’T PUT US IN A POSITION TO MAKE YOU SAD. THANKS!

- Geth

This week, we will be doing a service to the public and HANDING OUT FREE HAIRCUTS. Keep in mind, no one on the air has any knowledge of how to give haircuts and you can’t get mad at us if we give you a really bad haircut. To participate, email zerolaughs@gmail.com with the subject I WANT A HAIRCUT. Tell us if you’re a guy or a lady, and whether or not you’re able to be at our studio from 10:30 PM to midnight. You will receive your haircut live on the air. I’m not sure how many people we’ll be accepting into this very exciting haircut charity program, so first come first served! If you are watching the show, you can call us up to give us suggestions on who should get what hair style.

Cutting hair along with our regular panel will be the incomparable Zach Galifianakis. Zach needs no introduction to nerdy comedy fans such as those who watch our show, but on a personal level I’ve always looked up to him and really respect how he’s always operated. If you haven’t read this NY Times article on his career http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/magazine/31Galifianakis-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

- I recommend you do so immediately. I have always found it to be truly inspiring and I think fans of our show will like it.

On top of all that, we’ll welcome the musical stylings of WOJCIK to the show. Wojcik was supposed to be on the show a month or so back but had to cancel due to emergency. Wojcik’s music is badass, brooding, fascinating, good stuff – I can’t wait to throw down and dance to Wojcik back in our big old studio.

It is good to be back. If you want to attend this show, email zerolaughs@gmail.com – it will be first come, first served!

- Geth

I get it. On real late night shows, the hosts wear suits. On real late night shows, there aren’t a gang of surly weirdos sitting around like it’s their own basement. Real late night shows don’t curse or take phone calls.

And they also, all of them, have a range of conventional bits that have stood the test of late night time.

This week, we’re going to dip our toe into some of those more conventional late night show bits. You know the ones – ones that Carson did, that Letterman has his version of, that Leno has his version of, right down through the generations until today.

Tune in, call in, let us know which of our conventional late night bits you think fit best on our very unconventional show. 212-966-1413. If you want to be in the audience, hit us up at zerolaughs@gmail.com – it’s gonna be a fun one to see live!

OUR MUSICAL GUEST this week is HELIOTROPES. As music booker Heidi says, “Their sound is huge and badass and a total psych-out.” If that doesn’t sound like something that The World’s Greatest Dancer Rob Malone can get down with, I don’t know what is. Very pumped to dance to the Heliotropes on Wednesday night.

Seeya there!

Geth

This week’s show is simple, but should also be perhaps the greatest hour of entertainment since Greeks gathered to watch plays. Here’s how it will work!

- Resident TCGS hunk/weirdo/good guy Andrew “Hot Dog” Parrish will sit on screen holding something in his mouth.

- Whomever guesses what is in his mouth first WINS THE THING THAT IS IN HIS MOUTH. Both panelists and callers will be playing to win these very valuable and smaller-than-mouth sized prizes.

- Each time someone is guessing they get to ask ONE yes or no question about the object in Hot Dog’s mouth. Then, they have to guess what it is. No follow up questions, no more than one guess.

Call us up at 212-996-1413 to participate.

If you want to be in the studio audience for what I think may be our greatest episode of all time, email zerolaughs@gmail.com

THAT’S IT. THAT’S OUR SHOW. THAT’S AN HOUR OF ENTERTAINMENT I REALLY BELIEVE IN. BECAUSE I DON’T THINK YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE MODERN WORLD NEED TOPICAL MONOLOGUE JOKES AND HOLLOW CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS TO BE ENTERTAINED BY A HOSTED LATE NIGHT SHOW.  I THINK YOU’D RATHER HAVE SOMETHING PRESENTED TO YOU THAT YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN, THAT FEELS COMPLETELY ACCESSIBLE, AND THAT LETS YOU KNOW THAT THE ORGANIZERS AND PARTICIPANTS IN THIS SHOW FEEL NO SEPARATION BETWEEN THEMSELVES AND YOU, OUR COMMUNITY. I THINK IT’S AMAZING TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE IN AUSTRALIA MIGHT CALL A PUBLIC ACCESS SHOW IN NEW YORK AND DAYS LATER WILL RECEIVE IN THE MAIL A SMALL OBJECT THAT WAS RECENTLY HELD IN THE MOUTH OF A CHARACTER ON THE SHOW THEY WATCHED ON THEIR INTERNET SCREEN. NOTHING SPEAKS TO OUR DEDICATION TOWARDS AND FASCINATION WITH TAKING MODERN TECHNOLOGIES AND MERGING THEM WITH COMEDY TO MAKE THE WORLD FEEL LIKE A SMALLER PLACE WHERE HUMAN INTERACTIONS CAN STILL HAPPEN DESPITE WHAT OUR RELIANCE ON IPHONES WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE. I THINK THAT THIS DECEPTIVELY DUMB IDEA IS ACTUALLY VERY SMART AND USES CURRENT ATTITUDES AND TECHNOLOGIES TO CONNECT PEOPLE IN A WORLD THAT FEELS INCREASINGLY MORE DISCONNECTED BY THE DAY.

PS – NOBODY TRY TO CLONE HOT DOG.

On top of all THAT, we are super super psyched to welcome CYMBALS EAT GUITARS as our musical guests! These guys bring raw indie rock straight out of a land I’ve always loved, Staten Island! As a New Jersey native, I’ve long known Staten Island to be a place where things are kept authentic and heartfelt, and Cymbals Eat Guitars bring it with a style that speaks straight to that. I can’t wait to have them on the show!

This week, Let’s Get Real.

To put this in perspective, it’s an undebatable fact that Dru is by far our most cartoonish and absurd writer. He tends to bring up almost exclusively ideas that involve burritos. That is not an exaggeration. He is currently pushing hard for an episode called WATERMELON BOARDING where the first 45 minutes of the show is the entire cast and audience removing juice from watermelons and the last 15 minutes of the show being me getting waterboarded with watermelon juice. (To give you the rundown of votes on this one, Dru and I are way into it. JD and Duke Ponzetti are not into it. Emma Noble remains quiet and cagy, as is her way.)

If a guy who has ideas like that wants to get real, LET’S GET REAL. We’ve had fun in recent weeks with Beyonce themed episodes, insane games of Twister, and fictional characters getting murdered on the air, but it’s been a little too long since we’ve had one of our trademark TCGS way too real way too fast, sort of emo sort of fun, everyone else gets uncomfortable while I, Chris, find myself weirdly overjoyed with the discomfort episodes. In the grand tradition of Angels and Demons, Loser is the New Nerd, and GENUINE SADNESS, this week we challenge everyone – LET’S GET REAL.

Calls this week can be about anything, as long as they’re honest. You can let us know what you had for breakfast. You can let us know about the girl you’re currently scared to ask out. You can tell us about your badass victories at work. You can tell us about your grim inner thoughts that you are scared to show the world. We don’t care. JUST MAKE IT REAL.

212-996-1413

Call us up. You can talk about anything. Anything REAL.

212-996-1413

On top of all that, I’m super psyched to welcome REAL ESTATE to the show as our musical guest. Discerning music fans know that Real Estate is one of the best Goddamned bands going today. I have a personal connection to them as well, since I appeared in the video for their track Easy, directed by my good pal Tom Scharpling. It was an honor to appear in their video and it’s an honor to have them on TCGS.

I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS ONE.

Well if there’s one rule that’s proven true with TCGS, it’s that ALYSSA ALWAYS WINS. I’ve booked some work – #HOLLYWOODGETHARD – and have been taken out of town for Wednesday’s show. And Alyssa’s cool ass parents have said it’s all systems go on Alyssa coming down to New York City to host this very special event.

I’m not sure exactly what Alyssa is cooking up, but I’m sure she, Shannon, Murf, Bethany, and Maxine are going to put Beyonce on the pedestal that Alyssa apparently thinks she deserves.

Please call us during the show at 212-996-1413 and give us your views on Alyssa’s hand picked call in topic – “What is YOUR favorite thing about Beyonce?” And as Alyssa texted me earlier today -

“I’d like to emphasize that we’re not going to talk about ANYTHING else.”

So don’t try to deviate from the topic! Alyssa ain’t having it.

On top of that madness, we’re psyched to welcome CLINICAL TRIALS to the show so they can rock our brains out with their musical stylings. They’ve described their sound as “A little live punk nihilsm, with love”, which sounds just about perfect for TCGS. I’m very sad that I won’t be there to experience them live. Have you ever noticed that some of the best musical guests in the show’s history come through when I’m out of town? Laura Stevenson and the Cans, Pearl and the Beard, Yula Be’eri… all badass. Clinical Trials will I’m sure further the tradition of when I have to miss a band that becomes one of my favorite bands plays the show.

See you all soon, and enjoy celebrating Beyonce with one of her biggest fans!

This week’s show is going to be bonkers. I predict high energy, hard hitting, fun weirdness of the variety that only TCGS is allowed to bring you due to our lack of commercial success and our existence on a platform dictated only by obscenity rules in one of the most liberal areas of the country.

First things first, friend of TCGS Colt Cabana is back in town and stopping by! We haven’t seen cult since last March’s Culture Show, but Wrestlemania’s in town and as the impresario of the Art of Wrestling podcast and the Worst Promo Ever webseries, Colt’s in town for all the action. I’m flattered that TCGS is a stop for him when he’s in NYC.

I am lucky to be friends with Colt Cabana. I think he and I have similar experiences and feelings about the industries we work in, and his support has meant more than he can imagine. Including him in our WEIRD DUMBNESS means the world, so this week we’ve gone above and beyond in the pursuit of WEIRD DUMBNESS.

That’s how the ROYAL RUMBLE OF TWISTER was born.

I grew up a huge wrestling fan. My brother and I were obsessive about it. And I remember when the Royal Rumble debuted, and I remember thinking it was the coolest thing of all time. For anyone who’s not acquainted, the Royal Rumble is an event where two wrestlers start out in the ring. Every two minutes another wrestler is added. Going later in the event is beneficial, because it means you’re less tired and have to eliminate less people from start to finish of the event. It’s one of the most fun things to watch.

This week we’re staging our own Royal Rumble – of Twister. A board game that demands far less physically than pro wrestling, but will still be challenging to the physically uncomfortable comedians that call TCGS home.

We’ll start with two people playing Twister. Every two minutes, a new character from our show will enter and get in on that competition. Callers will call up and tell us what to do with our bodies. I want to encourage people to go beyond “Right hand red” and think more along the lines of “Everyone touch head writer Duke Ponzetti’s stomach with your foot”. Go for broke, callers. Make this challenging.

Whoever is the last person standing will win…

… a copy of the Helen Hunt classic TWISTER on DVD. (Prize suggested by Colt Cabana himself.)

Here are the people participating in the first ever edition of the ROYAL RUMBLE OF TWISTER:

Colt Cabana

Chris Gethard

Vacation Jason

Random Maxine

The Human Fish

Olympic Hopeful Connor Ratliff

The Writer Who Was Fired From the New Yorker for Being TOO Pretentious

Bananaman

Murf, the Scourge of Gimghoul!

Andrew “Hot Dog” Parrish!

ON TOP OF ALL THAT INSANITY, FREE ENERGY IS PLAYING THE SHOW. Free Energy rules. That’s my opinion. They play poppy rock and roll you can dance to and I can’t imagine anyone who likes TCGS not liking that description. I am beside myself with excitement and can’t wait to throw down with them!

Do you guys remember that dude Dougie from Connecticut? He’s called the show a few times. He has a lot of social anxiety, walks around the block before he can get up the nerve to enter the studio, and sort of nervously lingers around when he does.

Well, it turns out that Dougie from Connecticut is a psychopath and a murderer.

Earlier this week I got a late night phone call from a number I didn’t know, and the voice mail left by that call was a screaming and crying Dougie from Connecticut. He told me that only I understand him. He told me that there is a void in his life that is filled only by The Chris Gethard Show. He told me he doesn’t understand why he can’t be both my personal best friend as well as a featured cast member of TCGS.

Then he said he’s going to make more room in the TCGS universe for himself.

Apparently, Dougie from Connecticut has kidnapped a large number of the fictional characters who inhabit the world of our show. And he’s bringing them all to MNN Studios on Wednesday and by the end of the episode one of them will be murdered live on the air so that he can take their screen time.

There’s nothing we can do. He’s a wild eyed, unpredictable mad man and we’re scared that if we don’t let him kill one of our fictional characters, he’s going to flip out and kill one of our actual living and breathing cast members.

There is strong suspicion among the TCGS camp that Dougie from Connecticut killed Random Maneascha and that’s why she never actually appeared on the show.

So this Wednesday, call live and let us know which of our fictional characters you think should be murdered on the air! You submitted many of their names, you voted on them, you told us who to keep around – and now you must ultimately decide their fate. Call in during the show at 212-996-1413 and simply tell us who you think should die and why.

If there’s one thing that will keep me in good spirits during this very grim experience, it’s that PLOW UNITED is our musical guest! I grew up listening to a lot of local northeast pop punk. If I wasn’t seeing Boxcar and Felix Frump in a church basement, I was probably seeing Missing Children and One Nature at a VFW hall, or maybe Thirsty and Egghead. in a backyard. When I grew up in Jersey Weston was king, the Bouncing Souls were still a local band, and sneaking into the city to see a show at the Wetlands felt like a big deal.

Well PLOW UNITED is a band from that lineage of northeast punk rockers who have been rocking out since the mid-90s. These guys are rock solid people, who write rock solid punk tunes, and who represent fully the exact type of music I grew up on and that helped convince me that the punk rock Do It Yourself ethos was the right way to live ones’ life. I don’t want to put too much pressure on Plow United, but they come straight from that section of Pennsylvania that a ton of great bands I grew up on came from and I can’t wait to enjoy them on the TCGS airwaves.

Plow United has a show on the 28th, along with THE UNLOVABLES, who are fronted by Hallie of the LLC and feature Mikey Erg, along with Joe and Johnny from the LLC. This is going to be an unbelievable show. If you’re in NYC I highly encourage you to come. You’re going to fall in love with Plow United on Wednesday, then you get to see Plow and a bunch of the TCGS family rock out at the Knitting Factory on Thursday. Tickets available at http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=3318804

If you want to attend this week’s TCGS, email zerolaughs@gmail.com

What I mean is this – first of all we will have first time TCGS guest AIDY BRYANT on the show. Aidy has been tearing it up as a new cast member of SNL this year, and I’ve gotten to do some improv with her and joke around at her during some of those gross entertainment industry events and I think she’s the best and super funny and a total sweetheart. She will be joining us for the first time and I couldn’t be more excited.

On top of that – all of our panelists will be asked to do something they’ve never done for the first time ever this week, live on the air. What’s something I’ve avoided in my 32 years of life? It’s time to go straight at it – three decades of living with some type of experience will crumble as I have that experience live on the public access airwaves. All of our panelists will have a similar revelation as they commit to something they’ve never done before!

On top of ALL THAT – we want ONLY FIRST TIME CALLERS this week! We love our regular callers and are proud and protective of the regular gang that’s become such a part of the show, but for this week we want to commit to the theme and make it all about people having a first time experience by calling our show for the first time. We’ll be at 212-996-1413 and we hope to hear from you! Let us know about a first time experience of your own – from losing your virginity, to the first time you drove a car, to whatever strikes your fancy, if you’ve never called our show before, we want this to be your week! I’m astounded by how many people I meet who tell me they watch the show and have thought about calling and never have – make this week the one where you go for it!

ON TOP OF ALL THAT – musical guest Aleister X will be joining us! It’s Aleister’s first time on the show as well, and I can’t wait to dance to his triply, cool ass tunes!

Seeya there!

Geth

First things first, the logistics: The show is happening at the IFC Crossroads House, which is at the corner of 6th and San Jacinto, on Tuesday night at 10:30. If you are a TCGS fan in Austin, get down there. Technically, you need a badge to get in, but if there is room inside I’m going to do my best to make sure no one gets turned away. (And if you are DEFINITELY in Austin and DEFINITELY want to come and don’t have a badge, post on the show’s message board and I’ll get in touch with you.)

Now, the show itself – this is the last show at the Crossroads House, we are known for being weirdos, and last year we had a greased up man in his underwear and a tie wrestling a greased up half fish creature before leading a parade down the trade show floor as everyone sang the words “The Human Fish Loves Cock”. With all those factors leaning on us, we gotta go big.

To do so, we’re going to play AMERICA’S MOST FUCKED UP GAME OF PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY.

Here’s how it will  work: Four cast members of TCGS will be blindfolded on stage! A man dressed as a donkey will be positioned somewhere in the IFC Crossroads house! Over a dozen other TCGS cast members will be positioned throughout the Crossroads house, each wielding some sort of implement of physical or emotional torture!

You the audience, will be in charge of guiding our four heroes to either the donkey – or the punishments. If you want to see someone get electrocuted, convince them the donkey is in that direction. If you want to see them get tickled, or hit, or shamed, or whatever else insane stuff our writers are dreaming up – (I don’t know about any of it, as I will be blindfolded) – send them that way. If you think they’re pure of heart and deserving of escaping this game, send them to the donkey so they can un-do their blindfold and participate in the torture!

Along the way, we’ll ask you the audience to participate in some room-wide experiments to further this exercise in social experimentation – you’ll all be asked to do things that help mess with our cast in the course of this strange evening.

Worst of all – whomever our final cast member is to reach the donkey will be left in their blindfold. They will be marched out into the middle of 6th Street directly in front of the IFC Crossroads House. They will be forced to hold a sign that any passerby in drunken Austin might see. They will not know what that sign says. They will deal with the consequences.

It will be a balls out, non-stop, ill advised party, a truly interactive experience, and something hopefully none of us will ever forget. I’ll see you there, Austin! And we’re bringing the entire gang, so you’ll also be able to meet -

- Shannon O’Neill

- Murf the Reservoir Dog

- Bethany Hall

- The LLC

- Jake Fogelnest

- Jesse “The Body” Ventura

- JD Amato

- Noah Forman

- Dru Johnston

- The World’s Greatest Dancer, Rob Malone

- Bananaman

- Andrew “Hot Dog” Parrish

- Phil Jackson

- Olympic Hopeful Connor Ratliff

- Vacation Jason

- The Keeper of the Battledome

- Last place Beef Off contestant JERSEY DAVE

… AND MORE!

Come on out, say hi, throw down, have fun! Let’s do it up!

- Geth