There are a lot of fashion looks that I don’t quite get, but I really don’t understand this one.  The one where the sleeves of a woman’s sweater/shirt/blouse come down almost to the middle of her hand.

What exactly is the look they’re going for?  Are they hiding man-type hands?  I don’t think so, because very rarely do you come across a woman who has man-hands a lá Jerry Seinfeld. 

Are they attempting to camouflage hideous scars?  Could be, but I don’t think there are that many women out there who have something that bad to hide on their hands. 

Are they thinking that a longer sleeve would make their hands seem more petite?  Hey, paws the size of Goodyear tires on a woman look big, no matter how you try to cover them up.

Are they trying to cover up the fact that they even have hands?  Hands are nothing to be ashamed of, so why in the world would they want to present themselves as having no hands?  God forbid they don’t have hands!  I have empathy for hand-less women, but I’ll bet with the strides medical technology has taken in the past decade or so, they could buy themselves some real pretty hands. 

So, I don’t get it.  They’re certainly not functional.  Can you imagine trying to change a baby’s diaper with sleeves like that?  Ewww!  Just the thought of a piece of my clothing dragging through what I’ve seen in a baby’s diaper is enough to make me burn the clothing afterward.  And if said woman is attempting to change said diaper while wearing these extra-long sleeves, she’ll shove the sleeves up to her elbows before beginning the task.  Well, if that’s what you’re going to do anyway, then just buy a sweater/shirt/ blouse with sleeves that don’t drag into the performing part of your hand!

I see these women shimmy-ing the sleeve down from their hands before they pick up a phone, or unload the dishwasher, or wrangle a corned beef sandwich, or perform any of the 6,000 other things you do with your hands each and every day.  If you’ve got to move the sleeve of your garment off of your hand, before you can perform a task with your hands, then the sleeves of that garment are too long!

You know what it looks like to me?  It looks like a lot of these women just want to draw attention away from their hands, for whatever reason.  But to me, it does just the opposite.  I’ll either stare at their hands, to see what they’re trying to hide, or look at the ends of the sleeves, asking myself where the hell have those hands been all day?

Hey Christine!  My 15-year-old doesn't want to attend a summer barbeque at her grandparents' house (they're her mother’s parents) because her mom’s live-in boyfriend will be there. Our divorce occurred, in large part, due to her infidelity with this man. If my daughter doesn't go, her grandparents will be mad at her. Should I "make" her go, or tell her it's okay not to go?

Dear Ex-Husband of a Homewrecker:   Maybe someone should clue GramGram and Poppy in on what’s going on.  Are they aware that your ex-wife was chalking up someone else’s pool cue while the two of you were still married?  Maybe if they knew the real reason your daughter doesn’t want to share the same air space with a philandering mother, they would cut your daughter a little slack.  Perhaps they’ll even stop inviting their homewrecker daughter to their house, and will be able to invite their granddaughter over for holidays and what-not without making her face what’s-her-name and the sleazy boyfriend.

Hey Christine!  My girl friend is having a huge problem with the fact that I still have contact with my ex-wife. My ex and I have been apart for about 2 years now. We don't have kids together but I told her she could always come to me if she needed help.  I am the one who asked for the divorce so I feel the need to help her because of my own guilt for hurting her. My girlfriend says if I continue to step in and help my ex that she won't want to stay in a relationship with me.

Dear Guilt-Ridden:  Duh.  You owe the ex nothing.  As in “nada.”  Just because you asked for the divorce doesn’t mean you’re at her beck and call for the rest of your life.  I’m sure you had your reasons for kicking her to the curb - maybe because she always made you feel guilty, yes?  Or maybe because she was too needy?  Your ex-wife survived just fine before she met you, and she’ll survive just fine without you (no offense intended).  Use some of that energy you would have spent re-caulking the ex’s bathroom to take your new Favorite Flavor out on the town.  And don’t forget to block the ex-wife’s number on your phone.

 

Hey Christine!  How do you know it’s time to divorce your wife?

Dear Clueless Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband:  Umm, let’s see.  I’d say the time to start divorce proceedings would be when you start finding receipts from sleazy motels on your Visa bill, or see her on Priceline.com booking flights to the Turks and Caicos Islands - knowing that you’re afraid to fly; or start hearing messages from a wedding planner on your answering machine.

 

I was a single mom, and when I wasn’t wishing permanent genital disfigurement upon his sperm donor who didn’t think it was wrong to date a high school senior while his wife was pregnant, I was treasuring the moments I knew Young Skywalker’s sperm donor would never experience. 

He missed the first step, the first word, the first tooth; the first time elbow-met-asphalt, the first black eye.  And he missed out on an incredible sense of humor that was inherited from my side of the family.  Young Skywalker is almost 23 years old, but I can still remember, like it was yesterday, the things he used to say that either made me laugh until I cried, or wonder, “how the hell did he come up with that?”

Back when he was about 4 years old, he and I went shopping with my Mom.  It was at a Laneco.  Remember those?  They were the pre-cursor to Walmart.  There was a display set up near the toy department of action figures, and Young Skywalker spied them before I did.  He asked if he could get one, and before I could answer, Grandma said, “I’ll get it for you.”

I drove Young Skywalker home, and he was as happy as a clam with the new action figure.  Captain Planet came with a crime fighting ring (I guess so the Captain Planet fans could be easily identified in a crowd), and some other accoutrements to make him seem invincible.  He played with it constantly, making up his own little Captain Planet scenarios, none of which I could understand.  But hey, as long as he was happy.

Fast forward a few weeks.  He and I are horsing around in the living room, and at one point are rolling on the floor.  He “wrestles” me, and pins me to the floor, then sits back on his heels, and regales me:  “Remember that day we went to that store and we were with Grandma and you were pushing me in the cart and I had to sit in the back because I couldn’t fit in the seat and I saw those action figures and Grandma said she’d buy me one and it came with that ring and the card and you told me I couldn’t open it in the car and I had to wait until we got home and then you bought that Captain Planet lunchbox and it was green and had those little boxes in it? "

Whew!  “Yes, Young Skywalker.  What about it?”

“You’re laying on the ring.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

Yes, it’s been an extremely long, long, long time since I’ve updated my blog.  So many things going on … so little time to sit down and kvetch about them.  I’m easing back into the swing of things slowly.  Here, for your amusement and possible Budweiser-induced bar discussions, are a few topics to get you thinking before my next post.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? 

 
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Who had the bright idea to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? 

 

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'  Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

 

Why, during the winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

Why haven’t you heard any father-in-law jokes?

 

Discuss.

 

 

Hey Christine!  My ex-husband has started bringing his girlfriend to our daughter’s high school swim meets.  Although my daughter says she doesn’t mind, the woman’s presence makes me very uncomfortable.  Shouldn’t he, out of respect for me, keep her away from public gatherings where he knows I’ll be?

Dear Non-Trophy Ex-Wife:  Respect?  What planet are you from?  Since when does an ex-husband have to show you anything but civility?  How respectful were you of him during the divorce?  Get over your highfalutin self.  You’re just jealous that your ex-husband is a better person than you and was able to land a stone cold fox, while your slime of a boyfriend is still stumbling to first base.  If you’re uncomfortable around someone who is probably prettier and smarter than you, then I think you’re the one that has to make alternate plans to avoid public gatherings where the object of your ex-husband’s affection may show up.  Grow up, Sweet Pea. 

 

Hey Christine!   I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband’s girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home wrecker in the least, and unprintable names at the worst. I have no choice but to be civil to my ex-husband because of our child, but do I also have to acknowledge her?  I’m sure she’ll show up at my son’s soccer game, and I don’t know what to do or say to her.

Dear Divorced Hag:  So many things going on here, and so little space to set your ass straight.  First, you do not handle your ex-husband’s new girlfriend.  Your ex-husband stepped out on you, probably because of your whininess, and the girlfriend just happened to be the one that caught his eye.  She is not the home-wrecker, and neither is your ex; you are.  You are the one that forced him into the arms of another woman because of your frigidness, so the blame’s all on you, sweetheart.

Second, yes, you have to acknowledge her.  What were you planning on doing … pretending she was invisible?  Pull yourself together, woman!  Just because your ex is puppy-dog in love, and you’re just withering away because of your inability to keep a man happy, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to treat the girlfriend like shit.

And third, has your divorce made you socially inept, with no clue as to how to act in public?  You would do and say the same things if you were meeting anyone for the first time:  You say hello, nice to meet you, and shake her hand.  You dipshit.

 

Hey Christine!  It just kills me to see my ex-husband happy with his new girlfriend.  How do I get over this?

Dear No Second Chance:  You don’t.  Do you know why it’s killing you to see him happy?  Because it brings up old flashbacks of how you got all bitchy and everything, nothing made you happy, you cheated on him with some white trash wannabe, and you know that the life you chose with ol’ Sleaze Bag is nothing compared to what you chased out of your house.  Too bad.  So sad.  I hope your ex lives really close to you so you have to see his happy-ass-self and his drop-dead-gorgeous squeeze everyday.