Everyone has a story

Timing, Fate and Chance

2009-10-27T01:02:00.004+08:00

I've been thinking about timing, fate and chance a lot.

A conversation with Veen made me remember a lot of things ...
and in turn, realized how sad I've been, as much as I've been trying to deny it.

You know,
I believe that sometimes in life ... you get just one chance with a particular person. A second chance is rare, and almost never happens.

A long time ago, he and I took a late-night drive out to town together. In the car, we talked about many things.
Life.
Love.
Money ...

I asked him about his decision to work overseas ... asides from obvious monetary reasons. Why leave? Isn't he happy here?
And he looked at me and said 'I have no reasons to stay here. Nobody to stay for.', his eyes probing into mine.

I wanted to tell him to stay for me. Me.

But I couldn't ...
how could I?
Whether or not it was important to him ... I was young, I was broke, and I was unemployed. Maybe it couldn't matter less to him or the world ... but it mattered to me.

Now I've realized that maybe ... just maybe - that night was it. That night was my "chance".

Now that I'm older, more mature (... a bit), with a business and all that jazz ... I've already missed my chance. I can't turn back time. We're beyond that now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

2009-10-23T02:07:00.000+08:00

you invade dreams that I'm not very proud of :)

Chances Are

2009-10-17T22:39:00.005+08:00

I think that if I don't write about this, I'll never get it off my chest -_-

To cut a long story short, there is someone whom I miss very much. And in a twist of very fucked up events, he will sadly never know about this.

It all started almost two years ago ... amidst all the late-night talks, impulsive suppers, and parties, we developed an odd friendship of sorts.
We cared about each other a lot. Don't ask me how I know - I just do.

He was the first man in my life (after my father) who truly believed in me.
And he made sure that I knew that.
This was way before Mario, way before all the people I subsequently dated after him ...

Over time, I gradually began to forget him ... though he never completely disappeared from my thoughts.
Recently, I met him again.
And to be really honest, I can't get him off my mind. I don't even want to talk to my friends about it - he is THAT special to me, so much that I can't even speak about it.

What kills me is not the knowing that I'll eventually begin to forget him again, just as I once did. -_-
It kills me that I'll probably never see him again ... and he will never know how much he meant, and still mean, to me.

It kills me that I did not even get a chance with him. We had a 'chance', but it was impulsive, nerve-wrecking and crazy - a 'chance' that destroyed all other chances, the enormity of it was too much to bear.

With the rest ... it was different.
I had a chance with them. When we parted ways, it hurt, but at least I knew that I tried.

What did we have?
It felt like a dream.
I close my eyes and all memories, fresh and expired, both old and new, come flooding into my mind and my eyes snap open at the intensity of it all.
We never had a chance or a shot, did we? We were fundamentally too different.

But if I really did have a 'chance' ... I think that I would try very hard to make us happy.

I miss him like crazy. Knowing that I may never see him again ... I don't know how to digest it, I really don't.

I'm not ready to let go,
cause then ill never know what could be missing.
but I'm missing way too much ...
So when do i give up what I've been wishing for?

- Jason Walker - Down

I'm addicted to you

2009-10-12T00:50:00.001+08:00

I always thought that you were so infectious, contagious, and so fucking addictive. Even back then, when nothing happened between us yet.

It hasn't changed. I still think so - and I think that I probably always will.

2009-10-10T22:41:00.002+08:00

I have to literally STOP myself from dialing your number ...

to say something - to apologize? or ... ?

but I can't bring myself to do it. :( I really can't.

the idea of a relationship scares me more than the idea of being alone. Especially when I'm planning to travel more ... especially when I have no idea if I'm leaving Malaysia or not. I can't imagine having someone so important in my life - someone who mattered enough to affect the decisions that I may make ... =(

you'll never know how much I'm thinking of you, or how much I miss you.

this will be my secret :)
in some time, I'll no longer think of you ... you probably wouldn't be on my mind 24/7 like you are now -_- and will become a mere passing thought and memory from time to time.

doesn't mean that I miss you any less now. I can't stop thinking of you - your kisses, the way you held me, the way you smelled ...

=(

2009-10-09T02:05:00.003+08:00

I have trouble getting you out of my head. It's not emotional, it's not sexual, it's ...

it's you. :/

A kiss is just a kiss

2009-10-07T00:56:00.002+08:00

C called me up yesterday, which was a phone call that left me feeling mighty pleased. :) He calls me from time to time, a rare surprise that always brightens up my day ... I'm always glad to know that he still remembers me.

We used to be quite close early last year. :) We'd met through mutual friends and even though we were from vastly different worlds, we still clicked ... in our own way. Our relationship was always like that of a mentor-student ... older brother - younger sister.

Back then, nothing ever happened between us but I was very attracted to him. Tall, good looking and madly successful - he was one of those people whom I want to be. Whom I'm inspired to be.
But I was not ignorant as well ... how could I ignore this lingering tension in the air that I sometimes felt when we were together? Those glances. Caring text messages. I always brushed it aside and told myself to not be so full of myself, he does not give 2 shits about me ... not when all these women are throwing themselves at him. I'm just a girl - not even a particularly good looking one, at that. -_-

We decided to meet up again today. I've missed him a lot and I was curious.
And ... amidst the movie playing on the LCD TV in front of us, he leaned in and kissed me.

I'm not writing this to chronicle the start of something new, or a new beginning of sorts. I'm writing this to conclude a fairytale that has long since expired ... IF we ever had a story, it was supposed to be all those time ago, when I was still loyal, naive, and enthusiastic about everything.

Now, the last thing I need is more drama and complications in my life.
I don't know what it is that happened between us ... maybe it was impromptu, maybe it was the accumulated curiosity and tension that never went away over time - I just know that I can't be the "Eliza" he once knew. Not now, not anymore.

I've changed. :( It's crazy, but I want different things now. I could never look him in the eye again.

'I Gotta Feeling'

2009-10-06T02:14:00.003+08:00

This sounds really off, but it was during the Black Eyed Peas concert, when they were performing 'Where is the Love', that I realized how much I missed you.

We once had a conversation over Black Eyed Peas. Random, I know ...
We once had a conversation over everything.

It has been one year. When we broke up last year, I was devastated, but I told you and I told my friends: I'm afraid I can't find someone whom I FEEL for as much as ... you.

I remember every conversation and every detail with clarity ... Gawd, we told each other everything, didn't we? It was effortless. Being with you was effortless.
Eating junk food at night and watching DVDs till the wee hours of the morning was effortless.
Waking up beside you, nestled under layers of covers, cos we both loved cold rooms, was effortless.
Talking to you about my dreams, my family problems, and my everything was effortless.

Being with you ... felt natural. It made sense. We both loved traveling, exploring and we loved amusing ourselves with DVD nights and we laughed at everything stupid. Together.

I don't take pictures with my other boyfriends, but I still have an entire folder of our pictures in my computer. :(
Fuck man, you were the only one who made my heart tremble. Whenever you smiled at me ... my heart skipped a beat. Whenever we fought, I wanted to crawl into a hole. It was like ... you held the torch to my happiness - you know all the corny shit they say? The sun rises and sets on your face.
You had me at hello.
You make me smile.

Well ... it was like that with you.

I can't even bear to remove you from my blocked list in MSN, or my limited profile list in facebook, coz you know so much shit about me. It's weird to have someone who knows you inside out yet ... isn't quite a friend, yet isn't something more.

I never loved you, I think. And I don't still hold this torch for you ... yet, it still comes down to this: I can't find someone I FEEL for as much as I did, for you.

I remember the time I went to meet you - the first time I decided to break up with you. You were waiting for me right beside the elevator, and when the doors opened, you were there, smiling at me, and I thought 'fuck ... he looks so good'. You walked towards me and hugged me. "You're here,", you whispered.
All thoughts of breaking up with you flew out the window at that very second. -_-

Though the break-up did have to happen.
Eventually ...

But you're the first person who made me crumble, blissfully happy, delirious, and all that jazz. You know more about me than all the other men that have ever played a part in my life. You know me.

I miss the way my head could comfortably rest on your shoulder, you were so tall. I miss our DVD nights. I missed the way you always knew how to hold me when I was feeling scared ... I miss the way you understand what I mean, even when I don't say anything at all.

I miss you.

2009-09-29T01:53:00.003+08:00

I just received the news about my friend's dad passing away. Prior to that, I was angry, stressed and irritated that my laptop is now dysfunctional ... but upon hearing the news, my fingers froze and I stared at my screen, letting the news sink in.

I cannot begin to imagine what pain is he going through right now ...
I thought of my dad, and how much I love him - I love my dad in SO many inexplicable ways, he's my rock, my best friend and my everything - and I know that it is not an ounce less for this friend of mine. Another one of my good friends lost her dad 2 years ago and back then, I did not know what to say to her as well.

Words do NOT suffice. What IS there to say? I'm sorry? You'll be fine? Obligatory condolences?

I wish that I could be there for him ... in some ways, we aren't close anymore, but I STILL wish I could be there for him. Give him a hug. I'd remain silent, but I'd hope that he knew how much I feel for him and how much I (still) care.

Things have changed, but we were close once. The random hand-holdings, cuddles and that one kiss kinda messed it up a bit, but cemented the memories I have of him all the more. It's weird ... We don't spend that much time together anymore, neither do we talk that much on a regular basis, but there's still this part of my heart reserved for him and our friendship. To think that in such a short period of time, things have changed so much, and now he's going through THIS ... ?
Really?
To experience such a huge loss so early in life?
It isn't even a damned break up or some broken friendship.

I'm sorry I don't know how to be there for you in a better way.
I don't know what to say ...
If I called you ... I'd end up saying all those things other people already have said. Or I'd be completely speechless. Awkward silence and all.

I don't even want to say 'I hope that you're okay' cos how COULD someone be 'okay' going through something like this?

This is one of those moments in life where I feel completely helpless. No, I know that I'm helpless.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up :(

2009-09-28T02:07:00.002+08:00

Was looking at all the pictures in my folders, and I suddenly stumbled upon a picture that made me giggle.

Taken in April, on my birthday, when I rented a hotel room in KL for us all to par-tay at. :) Of course, this was after the alcohol. Don't ask me which one am I, wtf.

A few months back, I think that everyone would've killed me for posting this up ... but now, it just seems like such a long time ago (though it actually isn't) that it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

I feel very different now, compared to then. I breathe through different lungs, walk the earth with different feet and look at the world through different eyes. Or at least, that's how I feel.

What changed?

2009-09-24T23:46:00.003+08:00

The past month in a nutshell:

Happy times:
- that time in Zouk :))
- all the times I spent with Chris and the gang
- work! :)
- watching District 9 with Ray

Sad times:
- When John left. Cried like a bitch.
- Everytime I think of Andrew
- ...... Everytime I think of my pretty good CGPA and remember that I won't get to get my Degree and MBA. Shit man, what a freaking waste of my potential.
- the whole drama over breaking up. o_O

Lies I told:
- all the times I muttered "going out yumcha la" to my parents whenever I was out late - that wasn't exactly necessarily the case, haha!
- ... when I'm late. 'Nuff said.
- the time I told Ray that I needed to clarify things, saying that I was crying and shit. HAHA ... actually, I was happily chatting on MSN at the time, but I just REALLY needed to end things the 'right' way. His harsh reply made me cry though! >:( But oh well, it blew me back into reality, though it still wasn't a 'proper' break up.

Things that I am looking forward to:
- Black Eyed Peas tomorrow! :) Arthur's Day, baby!
- New beginnings? Singapore? Malaysia?? Whatever?
- Traveling :))))
- the future

ByeBye Baby =(

2009-09-24T17:52:00.002+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have officially decided to quit smoking.

... It comes as no surprise, considering how I pout and my heart aches everytime I have to whip out RM9 to get a packet. x_O

What I did not expect was how dependent I've become on them for the past 2 months. It's been about 6 months since I smoked, and I'd forgotten how hard it was to actually quit it. #$#$#$#%#%^%
It's been less than 48 hours and I literally have a headache now, fucking shit.

I WILL PREVAIL RAWRRRRRRR.

Girl, Interrupted

2009-09-22T02:15:00.004+08:00

I'm watching Girl, Interrupted now ... and it gives me chills up my spine - one of those movies that reminds you that the world is a fucked up place with many problems ... and it's VERY upsetting to know that there are millions of people with real problems who are genuinely suffering.

But what can we do? What can someone like me do to help?

If there is something wrong with me, I suppose it would be that I suffer from a mild case of chronic dissatisfaction.
Reading this blog post I stumbled upon hit pretty close to home.

I'm always on the go ... finding, hunting, searching, craving for new experiences, new inspirations, new muses to fill the pages of my life with.
I move on fast ... and the masochistic writer in me revisits the pain from time to time to revel in it, remember it ... and embrace it.

But happiness isn't too far away from me though ... I'm cheerful and I have a very wacky sense of humor that saves me. The laughter saves me. Love saves me.
I just pray that the person I fall in love with someday will give me time. I'm not there yet ... please wait for me. It's a bit nonsensical, but a very genuine plea.

the difference between love and like

2009-09-21T15:25:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was hands down one of the hardest days I've had to go through in a long time.

I said goodbye to John, who was leaving for UK.

I thought I'd be okay, but the minute we hugged each other goodbye, I started bawling. -_- I think I have my tears and mucus on his shoulder, wtf. He was crying, I was crying, and it was all very hard and emotional.
I kid you not ... I am prone to exaggerating but this time it was ... different. It was truly painful.

The only thing that could come close was when I had to break up with someone last year.
I figure that, well, this is the difference between like and love. If I like someone ... it hurts and I'm a bitchy drama queen, but the hurt goes away the next day. :S If I love someone ... the shock doesn't materialize unless the 'goodbye' sinks in. Then it takes you by surprise and consumes you in ways you never knew existed.

Who am I going to call whenever I lose my way in KL? (which is all the time, really)

Will all of us ever sit in the same place again, just chatting and talking about everything as usual?

Who am I going to turn to for all my dramatic love problems and who am I going to tell all my cheeky stories to?

You were the one who was always kind, sweet and warm to me.
You were the one who never judged.
You were one of my first true friends from college.
You were the one who believed in my potential and always told me you think that I'm smart.
You were the one who hugged me and let me cry on your shoulder when my first love broke my heart.
You were the one who NEVER put me down and tried to change me, you accept me for who I was, am and will be.

I just read your facebook message and I'm crying a bit again. -_- All the waiters are staring at me but I don't care.

I miss you like crazy already. I love you too - not in the 'boy-girl relationship' kinda way but in a way that's ... different. Deeper. More poignant, significant, and real. In a way that screams "You have my loyalty forever" ... in a way that stubbornly believes that even though we know things will change and we may never see each other again - we'll still beat the odds. We'll be friends no matter what.

I can't imagine pursuing a future in Malaysia ... and I can't imagine leaving for Singapore or wherever either. Because without you guys, I know that it'll be a very different journey. Maybe it'll be exciting and exhilarating ... maybe I'll meet new people that will fill the pages of my life with equal intensity - but it won't be the same. :(

I want to thank you - and Andrew, May, Elizabeth, Galriad, Suet, - and whoever that I may have missed out - for making this journey into adulthood (you know ... turning 21 and all) so much more meaningful, loving and fun.

Know that wherever we are, no matter how far we are and how the oceans and miles of distance may separate us - I'll ALWAYS be rooting for you, I'll always remember you and this is NOT a 'goodbye' ... but a promise that we will meet again. :) No matter how much the plane tickets cost.

I'm like a bird

2009-09-20T02:06:00.008+08:00

"So ...", he smirked. "You're free now."

I rolled my eyes in mock sarcasm. "Yes I am, so what?", I smirk back.

"No seriously though. You're okay?", he asked me, genuine concern plastered over his face.

"I'm okay, actually. But it was a really shitty week though. I was always guilty, shaking with confusion, and I periodically felt like crying ... Can't say that it was completely because of him, you know what I was going through - all these decisions, annoyance that he and I didn't break up the right way, and yeah .... guilt.", I muttered with a frown.

"Guilt? The Zouk thing?", he grinned.

"Oh that and .... well, I just really needed to ... be myself, and focus on walking down the road I'd always wanted, and I knew that this relationship wasn't really helping. But I wanted to be there for him ... I tried, but it just wasn't really easy. You know?" I sighed.

He laughed. "I don't get you Liz ... you're exactly the kind of person who gets what she wants. You were fascinated earlier this year over the whole dating younger men thing, and you got the experience you wanted with a younger dude just a while later. You've always talked about how you think you're bisexual, and you hooked up with two girls this year! So what if you were with a girl last Friday at Zouk? The Eliza I know would not be guilty and emo and shit over it ... she'd find it funny."

"Ahhhh", I grinned sheepishly. "See, I'm not the cheating kinda person. So it literally kills me when I confine myself, coz I don't wanna cheat. Bangkok was the first slap to my face that it wasn't going to work out ... my second Sgpore trip was the second. The third slap - the one that really confused me - was when I figured that I might look for a job in Singapore. I DON'T want to embark on this new adventure and be the person I was on my second visit to Singapore, I just don't! I barely took pictures in Bangkok and when I was in Singapore the second time - and he had no idea, based on that alone, how confined I felt!", I exclaimed, frowning again at the glass of iced milo in front of me.

"I guess ...", I mumbled. "He just doesn't know me. I guess he thinks he does, the way he talks to me, but he doesn't know ... me."

"I don't think that it's your fault, Liz." His face was serious. "I don't think it was anyone's fault. He should have known better than to try to date you for real, while you've just recently graduated and have so many ... options. You need company, someone who will travel with you and make you laugh ... not the kinda experience you had with him, I think."

"I guess you're right", I smiled weakly. "Everything ahead of me scares the shit out of me. But it's something I have to go through on my own."

++++

This conversation made me think a lot. :) And made me grateful that Ray is doing fine (I presume) and that I'm getting better as well.

I have never been one to turn down new adventures, and I don't look back with regret. :P Sigh. I just really missed my old happy adventurous touristy self ..... I remember when I was in Singapore this year, I was happy - I loved exploring the shopping malls, I excitedly walked all the way from Marina Bay till the Merlion Park coz I wanted to smell the sea breeze at night, I snapped touristy pictures at Sentosa ... I gleefully went to Rebell with no intention except to dance on my own and check out the Singaporean party scene. :D

I expected the same out of Bangkok. -_- Sighsigh. I didn't want to explore the party places on my own and make friends with cute foreigners and risk cheating on Ray, I really didn't. :(
Fuck, now that I can talk about it, I feel so much better.

It was then I realized that I couldn't date ... not until I have a grasp of where am I heading in life, I guess. I'm wild, I'm spontaneous and I have big dreams - some of which involve leaving Malaysia ... and I can't feel guilty and confused all the time while I'm at it. O_x Wtf.

I feel like a bird who's still finding the perfect place to build her nest. A wolf who hunts on her own, without a pack. :)
It's going to be very tricky ride ahead of me ... but I'm game! I'm scared, but riding on a high that comes with the thrill of a new adventure.

That 'C' Word

2009-09-18T03:36:00.003+08:00

To be honest, I've always known that I have issues. Especially when it comes to relationships -- I don't know why either, though I ponder over it. I lack the spirit and suaveness for it. I have a big commitment phobia - something I easily admitted when I was younger, but as I grew older, I learned that it's sometimes best not to say anything at all. Then maybe it will go away.

It's always like this: If I like someone, I think about being tied down, and I always chicken up and fuck things up. I don't talk to him about 'me' anymore. I keep a distance. I become clingy. I become someone I'm not.

I have never posted up pictures of me with my ex boyfriends before and I painfully admit that I have never said 'I love you' to anyone before. All these are things that "cement" the relationship ... and I've always craved and desired to be free.

I always thought that maybe it's because I've yet to meet my 'great love'. You know, the person who makes you throw all cares to the wind ... that one person who makes you lose your mind. I believe that most of us get only one shot at this kind of a crazy love, and most of us do not end up spending the rest of our lives with them.
I always knew that I have yet to meet my 'great' love.

And then ..... all the things I said and did with Ray, told me that maybe I just don't want to meet that love. Yet.
It's fucked up, it's crazy, and I was NOT 'Eliza Lee' - I could not recognize myself, and it isn't something I'd like to feel again anytime soon.

I told my friend the other day that I'd like to get a tattoo that symbolizes freedom. I told her that growing up, I always felt caged ... locked up, smothered, and never good enough. It took me every ounce of courage to break out of that, and now that I have ...

I fear the sensation of being caged; smothered ... being someone who is no big deal. Being someone who is easily brushed aside; forgotten, unmemorable.
It fucking scares me, the idea of having someone who leaves you vulnerable to all these emotions again. All these 'what-ifs'. What if I never live up to his ex girlfriend? What if I'm not good enough?
What if I'm not as sexy as her?

Ray once told me that he needs someone to calm him down.
For me, it has always been the same thing: I need someone who inspires me. I need someone who will inspire me to take risks ... and love. Be myself. Someone who doesn't judge me by my flaws, but helps me work my way through them. Someone who holds my hand when I'm trying to stop buying packets of cigarettes. Someone who understands that when I fuck things up and take two steps backwards ... it's because I'm afraid of moving two steps forward with him, because I'm not like other people - I need baby steps.

So ... I guess that's it.
The craziness had to end eventually, it was killing me and eating me out alive.
I was shaking a lil' just now ... and its weird, coz I've always been prone to anger attacks and I shake with anger - fists clenched, jaws tightened and all that jazz. But this time, it was different ... it was a confusing tremor.

I have never felt more confused, scared or lonely in my entire life. That is saying a lot, coz I was very close to loving Mario, and I know the meaning of heartache.

This was just ... confusing. The worst kind of loneliness there is, I've come to discover. I don't blame him and I don't hate myself for doing this to us ... I guess the experience, short as it was, taught me a lot.

I guess it's time for me to go back to my writing, work, scholarship applications and figuring out what's next. Singapore or Malaysia? Degree or Diploma? ... Sigh.
Isn't it ironic that in all my time I dated Ray, I did not talk to him about all these at all, even though all these things are on my mind 24/7?

Ironic. Very ironic.

2009-09-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

Smirking. ;)

Happy "I Think" Birthday

2009-09-02T14:05:00.003+08:00

This is the first time I'm actually writing here from work ...
the aircond is blasting at me and I'm freezing a lil' - Jaclyn's denim jacket helps a bit, though.

For some reason, a voice at the back of my mind tells me that it's Mario's birthday today. -_- Isn't that random?
Did we even talk about our birthdays before? Hmm ... Odd.

I'd ask him myself, but I haven't spoken to him in ages. I've never been one to stay in touch or be great friends with my ex boyfriends or flings or whatever - partially because they tend to annoy me by hitting on me or telling me bullshit after we break up - but I just find it ... weird and ultimately a bit unnecessary.

I've been known to be loyal and emo but in that sense, I can be pretty cold, I guess.
A few minutes ago, I wanted to text him, but I'd even realized that his number isn't even in my phone now that I'm using a different phone. o_O

Happy "I think" birthday, Mario.

Life is back to its usual pace now ... :) I'm still adjusting to things, taking it slow and I hope that this time could be different.

And I still keep thinking about venturing into new business endeavors ... any investors? What say you? :) I may look clumsy and ditzy on the outside, but when I work, failure is never an option. I can prove it to you, TRY ME!

Oh wait, I haven't thought of a specific idea yet. Teehee. Watch this space!

Updates: holy smokes, it IS Mario's birthday! I am GOOD. I remember how I got him an electronic massager thingamajig and an ashtray + lighter set for his birthday last year - not bad okay considering how I was jobless and broke at the time. How time flies ... and how things have changed so much in just one year. :) I think that all the changes are for the better though.

Stupid Ex Boyfriends

2009-07-22T23:45:00.002+08:00

I'm generally on pretty good terms with my ex boyfriends ... partially because I don't think I'm easy to hate (haha!) and that we could still be friends, why not?

But a few days ago, an ex boyfriend tried to make a pass at me. -____- Which greatly offends me on many levels. Dude, do you want me to copy and paste that MSN conversation to her?

And today, another ex talked to me, and he managed to seriously tick me off coz it was just plain ridiculous! Hello boy, I am not stupid. You should remember that, among all the other things you remember about me. -____-

I think that I've lost a certain amount of faith in men and relationships ... I don't know about other men, but the guys I dated almost always turned out to be complete assholes in the end. O_o
I don't even mean the regular 'check out my hot new girlfriend' kinda asshole ... I mean the 'cheats on you - sleeps around - lies to your face' kinda asshole.

Sorry if I'm cynical ... but that's just the way it is. :/

TGIWF! :) (Thank God It Was Friday)

2009-07-18T21:33:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was crazy. I had to go to work in the morning, head out to cover an event right after work at night, and then head out to Damansara - only to get lost on my way there, and finding myself at a graveyard in PJ. -_-

I took lotsa pretty pictures at the event ... But I reckon that it isn't REALLY 'mine', but the company's. :p
There are many good things about covering events - one of which is the freeflow of food and cocktails. But if there's anything more loser than taking pictures and talking to strangers alone - it's drinking alone. O_o

And then it was off to events of less glamor ... but felt closer to home. :)

Though I was tired, gross, smelly (I was out since the morning! *defensive*) and my legs were beginning to feel prickly from the lack of the day's shave WTF

But.
It was an amazing night :) Or actually, it was an amazing two days ... 'cept that the previous night, I was grouchy and sleep-deprived from work O.o

I don't know what is it about him that gets to me so much ... but I think that it's because he challenges me. He stimulates and challenges me on so many levels, be it physically, emotionally and intellectually ...
and frankly, I find it refreshing and very sexy to encounter a man who isn't scared of telling me off and putting me in place when I make mistakes. :p

baby,
we've been friends for a pretty long time ... and honestly, what we had still leaves me with both shock and awe - I mean ... really? Were those two people 'us'? I still have trouble digesting it ... but in a good way, of course. :)

I'm not sure if we'll ever have a 'defined' relationship status. I'm not sure if we're a summer fling (wtf... :( ). I'm not even sure - not quite ... of what you really feel about me. I can only make guesses :)

But the memories were worth the risk. :D You are worth the risk. I'll always remember the 17th of July, 2009.

I'm still in a state of daze, actually. It just feels a lil' surreal ... I'm sure you know what I mean.
You bring out a side in me that I never knew existed ... well, I always knew it was there, but not 'till the extend of which I am with you. O_O
I think I like it, though. :D

Thank you for everything. =)

John, this is for you

2009-07-11T18:07:00.002+08:00

john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
can I say something,
Liz says:
yes?
john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
I love you as A friend Liz
Liz says:
I know
hahahahaha
john jerald. Northern Kings Rethroned says:
Hugs

------

hahaha so random and funny.

You know John, thank you for being such a big part of my college life. :) I will always look back on my college days with fond memories of you - our talks, your endless girl issues, our friendship ...

our discovery of Waikiki :p
our early days ... back when we were very UNeligible, UNwanted and fat. :D
our secrets,
our acceptance of each other - the good, the bad and the ugly.

and the "I love you lar .... AS A FRIEND" lines.

I really do love you. (as a friend ™) :p

I wish you didn't have to leave to UK. >_O
It's going to be much less interesting without you. :(

Forgiveness

2009-07-09T16:45:00.004+08:00

I'm not good with forgiveness. Or rather, maybe I'm too good at it ... All my life, I've been blessed to be close with family and friends who overlook my flaws, and stand by me no matter what I do :)

So when it comes to forgiveness ... I have a bad habit of assuming that everything I do will go forgiven; every harm I could pull off will go forgotten. I completely overlooked the fact that sometimes I could really hurt someone ... and when that happens, that person has the right to not forgive me. That person could choose - rightfully so - to let me go.

... that's why I've been so down in the dumps for the past couple of days. I thought that someone had already given up on me and let me go. And I guess I knew that I deserved it ...

However, I can't be completely certain that it isn't out of the mere goodness of his heart or because he feels guilty and whatnot ...
but I think that this person is giving me a second chance. :)

I don't know what's going to happen to us - will we be the friends that we were again?
Would we end up fighting again, and end up really walking away from each other for good?
Will we find a happy ending (or some semblance of it) with each other?

I'm not sure ...
but I'm glad that he's giving us a chance to find out. =)

I needed you to believe in me

2009-07-08T00:01:00.000+08:00

Some time ago, there was this scene that I watched from a korean drama, First Shop of Coffee Prince ...
(yes, I watch K-dramas, shut up)

and upon watching it, tears just formed in my eyes out of nowhere. It wasn't a particularly emotional scene, and there were no deaths, or melodramatic goodbyes and whatnot ... but it struck a chord in me - I could barely contain myself.

In this scene, this man, upon finding out that the girl he loves has been lying to him, uttered words to the girl that really touched me; his hand on his chest, a hint of tears in his eyes ...

Today, more than ever, I recall that scene with a certain sense of wistfulness ... and I want to say what that actor said to that korean actress in that scene, to a certain someone. In my own words.

to whom it may concern:
I screw up a lot and maybe a lot of people think that I'm a loser. I'm not trustworthy. I'm a nobody. They may think such things of me ... and even if they may be true, I want someone who will stand by me. Someone who will go "hey ... Eliza isn't fucked up. She's just a bit lost, confused, and she just needs a bit of time." to the world who does not believe in me.

I need someone who will see me for who I really am ... and will love me not despite my flaws, but in spite of them. I want to love someone who will always see the good in me and tell me 'yes, you need to improve and change ... but I love you anyway'. I need someone who will hold my hand through the bad times and kiss me through the good times.

I don't know if I could have been that person for you.
I don't know if you could have been that person for me.

I just wish that 'goodbye's don't come so easily.

I should have said this a long time ago

2009-06-28T04:53:00.002+08:00

His name blinked on my screen, as my phone vibrated, emitting the odd fart-like sound that it usually does ...
and for a moment, I just stared at my phone in disbelief.

"Heyyyy you!", I squeaked, when I finally answered his call.
He still sounded the same. :)

Upon chatting a bit, he told me that he's in Penang ... which led me to wonder, why is everyone in Penang?? My friend who's visiting from Aust is in Penang, Mario is in Penang, he is in Penang ...

"I can't believe I haven't seen you for so long ... will you promise to visit?", I asked him, with a sheepish grin that I was glad he couldn't see through the phone.

"No ... why would I?", he said.

"Oh okay. Okay.", I squeaked again, feeling extremely foolish at this point.

"Hey, I'm joking, You're still as gullible as you always were! Of course I'll visit. I'll come to KL in July, okay?", he teased me.

... Which left a big smile on my face for the rest of the evening :)

*****

We were never romantically involved, but he was one of those guys that I could spend hours with and not run out of things to talk about ...

I was always somewhat shy, irritatingly squeaky and quiet around him, which led me to suspect, on many occasions, that I had developed feelings for him. It wasn't really hard to see why - he was very smart, successful and everything I wanted and wanted to be.

We were always very nice to each other :) I still remember all the little (and big) things he did for me. Along the way, I realized that we genuinely cared about each other - but not in the romantic sense.
It was special. :) One-of-a-kind. Or at least, that's what I thought.

He always believed in me and my dreams. I owe him SO MUCH for being my rock, my friend and most of all - my inspiration.

When he left ... a part of me felt like begging him to stay, though the bigger part of me told me not to make the stupidest mistake of my life.
Just like Mario ... just like me, he was a very free-spirited, freedom-craving soul who couldn't possibly be caged. Not yet, anyway.

I've missed him.

I'm glad that he still calls me every once in awhile ... it's always such a pleasant surprise.
I'm even more glad that he is going to visit me in July. :) :)

And I'm still trying to wipe this stupid smile off my face. ;)

Real Love =)

2009-06-24T02:29:00.003+08:00

I just walked into my house, feeling sleep-deprived, tired, excited (from watching Transformers 2 yo!) ...

My dad was watching random videos on youtube, and I was exclaiming to him, "everyone is getting sick! whyyyyy..."
and we just randomly chatted a bit. :) There was no stern questioning of my whereabouts ... no serious talks about my curfew (or the lack thereof). :)

And even though I'm in a state of daze, being sleepy until the point of feeling like my body is functioning on an auto-pilot mode ... I just knew I had to come online to write this post.

Despite our fights and sarcastic banters ... I love my dad so much, till the point that it feels that my love for him is beyond understanding and comprehension.

And it struck me today that I am who I am because of him. I may not be perfect ... but in all my imperfections, wildness and tendencies to fuck up,
I am not needy.
I'm independent and self-assured.
I never needed a man in my life to solidify my existence.

I REALLY don't mean to stereotype ... and I know that it isn't true for every case ... but as I witness the people around me, I realized that the men who are players, and the girls who are desperate / clingy / serial-daters ... more often than not, come from families with problems.
I don't mean it has to be something major like divorce, or child abuse and whatnot ... it's just, well, harsher circumstances, I suppose.

Because of my father's loyal, undying love to me ... his understanding of my free-spirited soul and above all that: his acceptance of who I am - I've been VERY lucky to not have much baggage to carry around. :)

No matter how much my heart aches when I lose a man I love ... I will always recover in time. :) Longer than most people, I guess ...
but if there is one thing I've learned from my dad's love from me over the years - it's loyalty. I don't fall in love easily ... but when I do, it's a love that lingers around.

For my dad, I know that losing me would destroy him ... and he'd probably never recover from that. :/
It's the same for me.

In all my big talks about dating only men who are worldly, wise and good-looking ...
In truth, I am still searching for someone who could grow to love me the way my dad loves me.
The way he accepts who I am ... till the way he understands my need for freedom :) yet, his trust of me remains unwavering.

How could I settle for anything less than that? And oh believe me ... those are the things that are the hardest to find.
It isn't easy for someone to completely understand me ... and it is VERY hard for man to truly accept my need for freedom and comprehend the daredevil, devil-may-care way I choose to live my life.

I just ... hope he knows that I may not say it much,
but I love him.
Maybe not in the best way anyone could love her father ... but in the best way that I know how.