The Chronicles of Comps2001

Incomplete Story of Tintin

2006-02-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY ARE ABSOLUTELY DYSFUNCTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLENCE OF THE PROTAGONIST AND HIS MERRY MEN TO ANY ANIMAL OR EXTRA TERRESTIAL CREATURE EITHER LIVING OR DEAD IS BUT NATURAL. IF READING THIS STORY RESULTS IN MENTAL IMBALANCE, THE WRITERS ARE ABSOLVED OF ALL BLAME. THE CONTENTS OF THIS STORY ARE OF ADULT NATURE AND HENCE UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN AND TEENS. IF YOU DO READ THIS MAIL, YOU ARE CERTIFYING THAT YOU ARE OF LEGAL ADULT AGE AND DOING SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.

A Sourabh – Ketan Presentation
Rated (PG-13)

Robin TomAss : Prince Of Beggars

After the tremendous Universal success of our last Production, Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai, we are back with our new feature and the first after coming to US. We are sorry for taking such a long sabbatical but were busy with studies and going out with blonde bombshells. The new story stars the notorious Tintin TomAss playing the role of Robin TomAss hugely inspired from the character that Kevin Costner played in the movie, Robin Hood : Prince of Thieves. We track the travails of Robin TomAss and his band of merry men in the legendary CompsWood Forest as they begged from the rich and gave to the poor.

Introduction :

Robin TomAss was a mallu stud whose origins could be traced to a small hamlet in the backwaters of the southern state of Kerala. A land endowed with great natural beauty, especially the blue lagoons and the equally exquisite beaches. However the story is based not in this surreal land but in a concrete Jungle Kingdom called CompsWood in the far away cosmopolitan mega polis known as Bombay. Tall, dark and innately handsome (I know its hard to believe … but we hope for Nitin’s sake that someone reading this might actually believe it), Robin TomAss was a man with great ideals. His entire life, he strived to do something for the welfare of the poor malnutritioned residents like cheapu langur and pom pom ponty amongst others of his beloved Jungle Kingdom.

Now Robin TomAss had considerable contacts in an underworld owned, Rangoon related company called I & BP (we guess I & BP … I = me = Robin TomAss and BP ... hmm ... I can only guess that it stood for Batata Pohe which was Robin TomAss’ favorite diet … I & BP outlined the considerable interest that TomAss had for Batata Pohe and the efforts that he had always taken to market this particular type of food … this honorable man took the responsibility of downloading the recipe for Batata Pohe on the computers of all his Jungle Kingdom residents especially Mister Wobin .. he stove so hard that he was nicknamed “despo” and for our desi audience “hawas” … however the two good guys Bhourabh and Shetan managed to deflect his efforts and did not store the recipe for Batata Pohe on their computers). I & BP had guest houses spread all over India, from the hot beaches of Goa to the icy whiteness of Shimla.

Robin TomAss was a brilliant thinker on the lines of Socrates and Pom Pom Ponty. But Robin did not think about philosophy like Socrates or about his career like Pom Pom Ponty, he was more practical. He thought about the welfare of the residents of his Jungle Kingdom in general and girls in particular. He was a person who could come up with the most innovative of code words and the most outlandish of plans and sell them to his followers in such a way that they seemed almost realistic. Being of modest nature, he always allowed his followers to take the credit for his plans and ideas. And he was generous to the extent that he allowed his followers to implement his plans.

Another thing that Robin TomAss excelled in, was paying his bills. He was very particular about them especially his electricity bill. Even when the entire Jungle Kingdom was off to a spectacular picnic at mARNALA, Robin refused to join them because of an outstanding bill. Such was his dedication. Which other person would have missed luscious white beaches (listen guys .. esp. those in America and Europe … I meant beaches and not bitches) and 4 hours of frolicking in a swimming pool with sprinklers and captivating music.

How could you ever write a story about Mister TomAss without mentioning his brilliance in all sports especially cricket (its something like baseball .. to my American friends). Robin TomAss was a master-blaster with his batting, and as far his bowling is concerned, his incisive spells were as much trouble for the scorers as for the batsmen who faced him. His tactic was simple, bore the batsman with 10 wide deliveries, drive him crazy with 2-3 No balls and then finally surprise him with a legal ball. The batsmen excited on seeing a ball that they could finally play usually misplaced their shot and hence missed taking his bowling apart. In spite of being such a restrictive bowler of legal deliveries, his wides cost the team both time and runs. So much so that the team captain usually got bored before TomAss could complete his over and would take him off the attack. As for his batting, Robin TomAss remains the only batsman in the world who has hit a six with his eyes shut. The only problem that he had while batting with his eyes open was that, he had a tendency of getting out first ball in the most innovative of fashions.
Well that’s enough background about the Protagonist of the story. Let’s get on with the story.

Story :

Robin TomAss had a towering personality and an easy going nature and made great friends with the boys of CompsWood including the cheapu and try and try till u succeed FLIRT Langur, the irrepressible and always single PJ master Paad, the 'Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai' sardar pom pom Ponty, the null pointer Bullu with his bulli, Bandru the kulla shaker, Emperor Rohit the Anaconda King, the settled tukku landlord Wobin and also the GOOD GUYS and natural SHINERS Bhow-rabh and Shetan. Robin TomAss was a genuinely nice guy and wanted to help his poor friends.

Soon he and his like-minded friends formed a gang called Robin and his bandars. Robin and his bandars never had any money in their pockets or at least they claimed they didn’t. And these poor guys, they could never help it, were always hungry. Whatever they ate went into a vacuum. They needed food to survive and for food they needed money. Robin TomAss their leader, was always the man with great ideas and plans. He suggested that they beg from the rich and feed the poor (themselves) with soda and Chinese vada-pav. The tactic was simple yet brilliant as was Tintin’s style. Robin TomAss and his henchmen prowled at the college campus for an unsuspecting victim, usually a junior with plenty of pocket money. Once they zoomed in on their victim, they would go in for the kill like an eagle. With seemingly innocent faces, they would approach the victim along the approach vector normal to the normal vector and ask him for a rupee so that they could make a phone call. They would add the most pitiable of excuses so much that by the time they were finished the victim had tears in his eyes. A day’s collection was more than sufficient to get them enough soda and Chinese vada-pavs to last them the entire day. Soon Robin TomAss became notorious as the Prince of Beggars.

The Gang :

1. Ponty was the master of making innocent faces and specialized in conveying his thoughts to the victim in silence.

2. Langur was like Little John in TomAss’ gang and please note that this characterization has nothing to do with the word Little in Little John. He was the not only the most flamboyant gang member but also the most voracious eater. Langur was always hungry be it food or anything else. His main weapon was however his persistence. Even when he was told “NO” he kept on trying till the victim decided it was better parting with his money than bearing with Langur. There was no doubt that he was the best in the gang because of his sheer consistency. He was even ready to fall down to the lowest levels to get what he wanted, even things like tying up their shoelaces. If TomAss came up with ideas, Langur was the one who actually implemented them. When TomAss came up with code words, Langur stress tested on them.

3. Mister Paad was the 4th main member of the Gang; he had only one weapon. He would crack one of his terrible PJs and would threaten to crack one more if the victim did not give him the money. These guys always got what they wanted. And life for them went on. Khao pio aish karo.

Kahani Mein Namkeen Twist :

Robin TomAss was a model and an excellent one at that. He had the grace of a marauding Rhinoceros and walked as elegantly and sensuously as a drunken elephant. His sensuous style had the girls in CompsWood swooning over him and the guys deep green with envy. He was the ultimate Gay pin-up fantasy behind only Wah-Mit the gay killer. Robin TomAss liked to be that way; in fact he liked to impress guys more. In Murud, on a guy’s only trip, Robin TomAss showed off his catwalk dressed in a titillating transparent towel, so short that it hid only his bare necessities from a group of embarrassed straight boys. He walked up and down the hall showing off his well-toned body smeared with layers and layers of Kerala’s original coconut oil amidst squeals of disgust and thuds of people fainting in horror. TomAss soldered on. He did however manage to impress a few local ‘happy and gay’ bystanders who recommended him to represent the Jungle Kingdom team in the Fashion show competition. It was at this competition that Robin TomAss met the one person that changed his life.

Now this fashion show was an yearly event called Nerve where all the neighboring kingdoms cum-peted against each other. Cum-peting against the CompsWood team was the ConstruShire team. Once TomAss who was tired of practicing decided to go have a cup of coffee (obvi sponsored by a poor victim). Along the way, he passed the GCR (Girls Common Room) where the ConstruShire team was practicing for the tournament. Robin TomAss couldn’t believe what he saw.

Walking the ramp was the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen in his life. His heart skipped a thousand beats. In fact it would have stopped beating had he not slammed against the door. Her beauty totally blew him away. Robin TomAss knew that nothing would ever be the same again in his life. He pondered about all the girls that had been in his life and realized that they didn’t match up to this gal. The ravishing puzzy maharaaz, the white as snow Shwetha, the talkative Tanan, the ferocious Jerry Hall, even his own Zulie and finally the girl that broke his heart the pretty 123-12. There were many more but he couldn’t recall them at that moment. They were all good but this one was the best. He knew he had to do something about this. And using his contacts in ConstruShire got to know more about the girl. He found out that her name was Unnu. But he had a problem, having been always unsuccessful with respects to girls, how should he approach Unnu along the approach vector without arousing suspicion of his noble intentions. To achieve this goal, he first befriended the sweet girls Pony and Tamu. Slowly and steadily, he along with his fellow bandars started hanging out with the ConstruShire group. And soon he managed to be buddies with Unnu. Finally in the Fashion Show cum-petition he walked with a vengeance, a walk that blew away all the cum-petition and finally managed to impress his queen of hearts Unnu.

And they happily lived ever after …… Well did you think it would end this way?

Kahani mein Twist - Villain ka Entry :

And TomAss had a bitter secret, a secret that he would never tell anyone. He had an evil twin brother called Bibek Sind. They were similar in many aspects. Bibek Sind stood for everything nitin was against. A man as evil as TomAss was good.

* This movie was left incomplete because we never got the time to complete it.

BE-3 Lingo

2006-02-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

Well this mail has inspired me to come with our own lingo ... the lingo of BE-3. It's vocabulary rivals that of the Bombaiyya lingo. I'm proud to present some of the BE-3 Lingo.

Dedicated to all the Crazy BE3 Americans and lunatic guys in Bahrain

1) Gopi ->

a guy always surrounded by girls. Mythologically speaking, it doesn't make sense at all since the guy should be called kanhaiyya but what the heck, this is BE-3 in your face lingo. Totally original term hai.

Eg: Kuljit (former Gopi), Sourabh, Ketan

2) Gopa ->

the gender opposite of a gopi. a gopa is a girl constantly surrounded by guys. again an original term.

Eg: kanan (former queen gopa), swati (current gopa)

3) Kalti ->

is to leave someone high and dry waiting for you while you fun and frolic elsewhere. well this is not an original term but is frequently used to describe the behaviour of many a good friend (so-called) of ketan and sourabh.

Eg: Hum Lonavala mein chouda dost log ke liye chaar ghanta ruka, lekin woh log ne kalti diya aur mauj masti karke aaya.

Translation : We waited in Lonavala for our 14 friends for 4 hours but they left us high and dry as they indulged themselves in a waterfall.

4) AnnaConda ->

Again an original invention. This later led to the creation of Anaconda. Annaconda meant Mr. Menon who in the First Year seemed like a vicious South Indian Anaconda. And so nicked Anna-Conda. This days this term has disappeared into oblivion as Mucchad a lingo used for years has prevailed for Mr. Menon.

Eg: Run ... Anna-conda is coming.

5) Anaconda ->

Anaconda refers to a multi-purpose utility tool that the Emperor Rohit, Lord of the Land of Bananas uses. For further information on this please contact Rohit Kelapure or read the story me and ketan have written : Mohabbatein.

Note : Rohit please forgive me for using this term here. I had to mention this as it's one of the most commonly used lingos in our conversation. Please spare me.

Eg: No need for examples ... read the stories on Lagaan and Mohabbatein

6) Cheapu ->

Cheapu is a person who continuously makes vulgar references, cracks naughty jokes and remarks or behaves in a vulgar manner. This lingo was actually created to describe the behaviour of a certain individual langoor in the class who would stop at no lengths to prove he's the best. (or the worst) Initially limited to a few male monkey members of the class, this term now emphatically describes the behaviour of a majority of people of the class.

Eg: The 4 monkeys.

7) Despo ->

Despo is a guy/gal desperate for the opposite sex (in some cases it might be the same sex too) and would stop at no limits to get what he/she wants. Again a term specifically created to explain the behaviour of a certain individual bhand from comps.

Eg : Nitin

8) Shiner ->

A guy/gal who tries to impress (woo) the opposite sex for long durations of time ignoring friends of the same sex.

Actually shiners are now classified into 3 types
1) Successful Shiners
2) Unsuccessful Shiners (called Triers or at times Becharas)
3) Reclusive Shiners

This classification was made to divide the large number of shiners in the class according to their performance. Those who managed to impress the opposite sex were called as Successful Shiners while those who tried pathetically were referred to as Triers or Becharas. The third category was for those who tried to impress only a specific person or group of persons.

The Successful Shiners were the sauve, funny, charismatic, confident, cool shiners who had the opposite sex drooling over them Eg: Sourabh and Ketan

The Triers were the ones who made a fool out of themselves as they strived for creating an impression. Eg: Saad

The reclusive shiners were either successful or just triers. We shall not go into deep research for this type of shiners. Eg :
1 - Kaushik who shined for all the teachers.
2 - Laukik who shined only for Bairry.
3 - Hemen who shined only for someone we know.

9) Lagaan ->

Lagaan refers to a tax. In fact a very different kind of tax. It's quite similar to the entertainment tax that is levied on movies. Please refer to the features of Lagaan in the story Lagaan. Those who do not understand, contact any of the 4 bandars.

10) Java ->

Please refer to the features of Java in the story Mohabbatein. Again ... if you do not understand .. contact the 4 bandars.

11) Bhai urf Badaa Admi urf Shanaa ->

It was tagged on to poor Rohit Kelapure in the 2nd year. It's stuck on ever since. Rohit's greatest regret has been that even the girls have called him Bhai for 3 years. Bada admi stuck to him because of his decision to migrate to foreign lands. Shanaa too was for similar reasons.

Well I would like to dedicate this paragraph to a person who was derided, teased, humiliated, molested, tormented, suffered IN-OUT torture .... the list goes on. But he still managed to forgive us time and again. He laughed sportingly at all the jokes we cracked on him. But for him, life in Shah and Anchor would not have been the same. Thanks Rohit. We are really going to miss you out here.

12) Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi

Bobby's house in Santa Cruz was a place everybody loved to hang out. Vishu made it his home while the 4 monkeys satiated all their hunger(Bobby's fridge), desires (computer), passions (computer), greed (fridge raids), internet hours, thirst (Tang), phone (conversations with lopa, asmita etc) ..... Also a famous place for parties. Used by Chandru for tap-dancing.

We all miss his house very much. Bobby please come back .. we need your house.

13) Kt, Bunny, Sobby, Bobby, Harry, Swats, Monty, Kullu, Mamu .......

Nicknames created uniquely at BE comps referring to you know who all.

Eg: " Hail Bunny. "

14) Kovali ->

Kovali in true sense of the term means fresh. Taken from a marathi word. Used specifically for Amit because of a discussion that went on for 5 hours at Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi till the early hours of dawn. It refers to Amit.

15) Tutorials ->

A term used to describe the theorotical tuitons that Kt took for certain guys and I took for certain girls to make them more aware of the realities in life.

Well there are a lot of terms which have been used again and again. These are all the ones I could come up with. Hoping you like my mail. Replies are welcomed and expected. Please contribute with the terms that you recall.

- Compiled by Sourabh

Letter From VTECH ...

2006-02-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

/* hey read this, satire on a guy from my class called rohit kelapure
written by who else but yours truly */

Hi Guys and Gals (especially gals)! U just have to read this. It is a must read!!!

This email was written by an SAKEC kid a month after he reached the US at the Virginia Polytechnic. Read on and get some reality-IN YOUR FACE.

Hi,

This is Rohit from VirginaTech - finally I got time to write about life here - u c, I'm 2 busy. Life here is cool, so are the babes. They are just waiting to come in your arms, even two at a time!

If u dream about such a life in US then WAKE UP! It's NOT like that, at least not here. I will attempt to give u some idea about life here along with some down to earth facts.

Let me apologize right now for writing such a looooooong mail. What could I do - When u'll come to know what I went thru I'm sure u will have to reconcile ur ideas about USA.

On leaving Sahar airport, I had something to eat for my dinner. I had a window seat but however hard I tried I just couldn't manage to open the window. So I had no benefit of the window seat.

However when I woke up - I was above clouds - it was a clear sunny daylight and I was about to land Frankfurt.

At Frankfurt: Our flight terminal was changed. So we had to run. Then they weighed my hand baggage - it appeared heavy so they put it on some belt. Then they weighed me and put me on the belt as well. I thought it was security check. I was waiting for them to lift me off the belt and give my handbag as well. Suddenly someone realised their mistake and let me off the belt. Thank god for that.

And they gave me a receipt - my handbag was sent to cargo! And it contained my immigration documents! I felt worried - what could I do?? And now no Indian food was available - so I was hungry for next flight, rather had only orange juice and coffee. Saw Erin Brokowich in flight. Julia Roberts looks hot in that movie. Wish they had shown Basic Instinct though.

ON LANDING:

When I went to immigration people, I told them the problem. They told me to wait. When everybody's stuff was processed, I had to deposit my passport there and a police came with me to retrieve the stuff. Then we had to go through customs and agriculture - they checked my foodstuff. I was worried they might take away my chocolate cakes that I had packed for eating in VirginiaTech. Luckily, nothing was seized.

WELCOME TO USA:

I had no one to pick me. Some of the first things I noticed was the cold, the cars, the roads and the american babes. Man they were hot.

ISA:

This is the VirginiaTech Indian Student Association. I was housed temporarily at one of their members' apartments. The guy who owned the apartment was quite good-looking. I had some cake and Pepsi.

APARTMENT:

The seniors told me that many people had arrived this year, so first I should book an apt. When I went to the office, they told me that my waitlist no. was 240! And they garunteed that I am not getting an apt. before spring.

Screwed! This is just the starting.......read on....

JOB:

There was already a huge rush of Indian and Chinese people.

So I went to bookstore & cafeteria - they have independent recruitment. Before I entered the bookstore, an Indian guy met me and told me that the bookstore manager is very angry on Indians with blonde hair. Same thing happened in cafeteria. They thought I was an American trying to fool them for jobs.

We dont have student ID's till then - so no internet access. But I managed to lay my hands on a comp at a seniour's apartment. I immediately sat down and typed a long letter for Asmita, I made 4-5 drafts before I wrote the perfect emotional mail. But when I logged on, I remembered that Asmita didn't have a computer at home. I cursed myself for my bad luck.

Meanwhile, i still continued to have pure jain food - that was the promise I had given to Kanan. Where I lived there were people cooking non-veg beside me.

THE JOBSEARCH CONTINUES.....

In our department, TA's are decided by a separate committee and thats something we cant help. So I moved to profs. for Research Assistantships. Again the same scene - they were so pissed off with ppl. like us that they put notices outside doors "Students, I do not have any RA positions. Still if u are interested, u can leave ur resume in the bin out there!"

MY STORY:

So this was the scene when I went to meet a prof called Ravi Prakash. He saw my resume and literally grilled me for half an hr. I still had trouble walking properly afterwords. Anyway he kept my resume and showed me the big pile of resumes in which mine was going to end up in.

Next day, while I was roaming around, still hopeless, he happened to mate me and asked whether I recieved his email - I didnt since in my last access, I had spent quite some time chatting with a female having a nick eeny weeny bikini. So I hadn't been in a mood to check my mails.

Anyway he told me that he would like to mate me at 3:30pm that day. It was already 2:30 then. He told me that I was one of the four ppl whom he is considering for RA.

It was a weekend that time and I spent 2 days cursing myself for losing a golden oppurtunity in a desperate situation. Suddenly, I banged (again literally) into Ravi Prakash and he told me to mate at 3:30 pm again for a bodystorming session.

When I went in sharp at 3:30, He told me : "So here is it, Rohit, I am giving you Research Assistantship for TWO Semesters". I still remember how I was smiling all alone all along the way back home and still limping.

Now for a new apartment. The seniors cannot be kind enough to keep 10 ppl like me in a 2 bedroom hall kitchen apt for 6 months especially when the other 9 of them turned out to be heterosexuals. But I managed to get a fantastic deal on a new apartment.

Then I had my i-card and my Computer logins and VirginaTech email ID. My new email is mailto:rkelapure@virgins.com

so that's it - those were the ups and downs in my briefs.

Enough to depress or excite u like anything.

Now I have moved in the new apt., the college has started and so is the RA work. Also 20 hrs a week is too less - I used to work 20 hours a day in Bombay - I realised that after starting to work - but no one pays u just like that!

Climate:

Its around 0 deg. right now. we can survive becoz all places (house, univ, car etc. ) have heaters in winter temp reaches -40 and there is snow all the times.

* no wonder this place is called virginia, it's too cold to do anything *

People:

VirginiaTech grad population can be divided as:
50% Indians ( desi - i hate them )
40% Chinese ( chinese are ok - i like their eyes )
10% American & other internationals

* i just love the american chicks maan *

American girls are generally sexy and helpful. It is normal to have casual sex when we happen to meet them while going around - even if we dont know them.

But thats not for all - i hate the african americans babes.

Wishing you best of luck in your endavours,

ROHIT KELAPURE

Bhai Kelapure
Research Assistant, Department of Computer Science,
Virginia Tech,
Virginia 75083.

INDIA'S MOST WANTED : BHAI

2006-02-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

To The Citizens Of India,

Attached below is the photo just released by Interpol. This criminal was found stealing important "data" from one of the biggest software firms in India, TCS (Tata Consultancy Services). He is on the loose and very very dangerous. The goverment of India has announced a prize of a 3 days 4 nights all sponsored trip to Andaman and Nicobar islands on his head.

The fugitive's name is "Rohit Dilip Kelapure" alias "Bhai". The Interpol managed to lay it's hands on an old photo taken in Ooty. However according to sources he hasn't changed much since the photo was taken.

According to the TCS-CEO, "bhai" had been working at TCS as a part time employee for his final year project. On 29th March 2001, "bhai" stole an important source code file from the TCS server and managed to send it to his own email address before being captured red-handed. Everyone at TCS have been tight-lipped about the contents of the file stolen. One employee remaning anonymous said that more than the breach in security they were taken aback by the breach of trust on the part of "bhai".

Red Alerts have been sounded throughout the world but sources maintain that the culprit hasn't left the country yet. He is however planning to migrate to the United States. US officials have beefed up the security at the American Consulate and also at all their International Airports.

If anyone has any knowledge of "bhai" please report immediately to 6312056 and say "bhai - chor hai".

Together we can and we will make a difference.

Thanking you in Anticipation

Inspector Sourabh
(Scotland Yard)

Havaldar Ketan
(Mumbai Police)

Heads of Interpol team assigned to tracing the whereabouts of Mr. Rohit
Dilip
Kelapure.
04/04/2001

Tale of a B(l)onded Slave

2006-02-21T18:18:00.000-08:00

Hey All

This is the story of a dude who managed to forget all his friends. Please do not ever do to your friends what he did to his. I "REPEAT" do not ever attempt this or you will end up losing all your friends. The story goes as follows.

Once upon a time there was a person called BHAI (not his real name) who was of a loving nature, friendly, treated everyone equally (no gender bias), no airs about him and the list of his good qualities goes on and on. He had a group of very "good" friends. He was about to do a project with Sourabh, Laukik, Amit (all are real names) but then suddenly things changed, he came under the spell of a wicked company(I dont know how) called TCS (The Company of Slaves) and from then he parted away from his project mates and all his friends who considered him as their life (blond bomshell :-)).

From then onwards things never remained the same. He started to bunk college regularly, started acting like a despo, stopped talking to his buddies (except the feminine versions) and in addition to the above was his GRE score (2320) which made his ego inflate like a balloon. He had an air of superiority around him and began to treat his friends (not the girls) like ants that he could stomp upon. But even after all this his friends remained loyal to him. Not for once did they think anything bad about him. Whenever they would hang out or make a plan they would BEG him to accompany them but instead of "accompaning" them he went to the "company". There, they taught him to forget his friends, was also chained to the computer and had to work his ass out (but i guess he loved it there). Never did he complain about his company (TCS) not even to his friends. What a kind soul !).

Even after all this his "friends" did not forget him. He is indeed lucky to have such "GOOD FRIENDS".

One day it so happened that all his classmates decided to go to Arnala beach. The moment his friends asked him to cum along, he said "YES". His friends were happy (but he had said 'yes' for a different reason -> it was for the girls ... beach and girls = yes for him). This was probably because the spell of TCS was fading or maybe for Bhai, girls had a higher priority than TCS (Also worth mentioning is that for him, the priority for his friends (boys) was the least.)

But he has to realize that for him TIME is running out and his friends wont be around him forever (but over him :-)). Either way, he will always have a special place in the hearts of his friends. This is the end of the unending story.

Well Comps ke dost log, if anyone liked this story, please drop a mail for rkelapure (His real name hasnt been disclosed yet:-)) and ask him to change for the good and "to cum of age".

FRIENDSHIP CAN NEVER BE VALUED BUT CAN BE TREASURED FOR A LIFETIME.

p.s -> BHAI dil pe mat le yaar.

Compiled by Ketan

Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai

2006-02-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER :

ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY ARE FICTIONAL AND SOME DYSFUNCTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLENCE OF THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS STORY TO ANY ANIMAL OR EXTRA TERRESTIAL CREATURE EITHER LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND TOTALLY UNINTENTIONAL. ANY VIEWS OR OPINIONS PRESENTED IN THIS STORY ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE AUTHORS AND THEY ACCEPT NO LIABILITIES IN CASE OF ANY DAMAGE TO EGO OR REPUTATION OF THE PROTAGONIST. THIS STORY IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND IS INTENDED ONLY FOR THE MEMBERS OF THIS EGROUP. IF YOU ARE NOT THE NAMED ADDRESSEE, YOU SHOULD NOT DISSEMINATE, DISTRIBUTE OR COPY THIS STORY. THIS WOULD BE TREATED AS COPYLEFT INFRINGEMENT AND A PARTY WOULD BE TAKEN FROM YOU FOR LIBEL DAMAGES.

THE PROTAGONIST - POM POM PONTY - TUSSHAR KAPOOR

Once upon a time in the magical village of Irla lived a big little kid called Ponty. Ponty was a Punjab da Sher and was often referred to as "Sher Singh". Ponty was enormously built and looked fearsome but in his heart he was still a small kid. All his close friends knew that he was a sheep in a lion's clothing. Ponty often seemed like a quiet person immersed in his own thoughts. It has been proven scientifically that Ponty has spent 2/3 rd of his life thinking. In such moments of mental solitude, Ponty has a mysterious smile on his face and enigmatic facial expressions. His closest friends too had no idea what Ponty thought about all the time. His deeply engrossed thinking had fooled many a people into believing that Ponty was a philosopher or a young scientist on the brink of a major discovery. Even his good friends from former BE-3 were fooled by this "thinking" sardar. (such irony) However after years of friendship with Ponty it was widely accepted by his friends, that Ponty was busy thinking about all the jokes that he had heard throughout his life and a sudden burst of laughter meant that he had finally understood a joke that was cracked months or even years ago. Ponty, they thought had a built in Delay Flip Flop, which had a delay almost equivalent to the time it took for the earth to revolve around the sun a number of times.

But the fearsome Sardar Ponty it seemed was not as foolish as he looked. While other people were busy cracking jokes (that Ponty could never understand) and laughing, Ponty was busy contemplating about his life and all the important aspects of life. He thought about his future, his present and even his past. He thought about love, about lost causes, about friendships .... even about studies. This was one man who thought about the entire Universe and above all his CAREER.

One more of his remarkable qualities was that he could come up with the most amazing of ideas in the most unlikely of situations.

1) In our previous story titled "Tungarlee Waterfall Project", we have illustrated how Ponty took all his friends for a ride in search of an elusive waterfall that never existed.

2) Also his insistence on his choice of dinner had burnt a hole in the pockets of his good friends which included the irrepressible cheapu Langur, the pathetic PJ master Paad, the "tukku" landlord Wobin, the new shiner Love-Kick Chutney and the two good guys Shetan and Bhow-rabh.

Ponty had a big heart and an equally shrewd brain. This intelligent Sardar decided to postpone his higher studies. Would any normal person of average intelligence give up an admit from a respectable University in America !!!! This was highly preposterous, in fact bordering on the ridiculous. Only GOD knows, why Ponty did that. Was it his job with Chatni Computers.... or was it something else !!!! (We wonder) Anyway this will always remain a mystery for us that only Ponty's mind (knees, I should say) can unravel.

Ponty was a giant among men and had a protruding belly. He could breathe fire and his voice was like the roar of a hungry lion that put fear among even the bravest of men. He could bamboozle even the smartest and the strongest of his fellow beings with his brand of questions and the most notorious of all his queries, "Q - kyooooooooon" ("why" translated to English for the sophisticated NRIs). Ponty's PJs are legendary (thought not in the same league as the PJ Master Paad) and his ability to belly laugh at his own jokes (at least he refers to them as jokes) is just mind-boggling. But Ponty is a coward at heart. He fears the world in general and girls in particular. On encountering a girl his tongue gets stuck up somewhere in his mouth and he starts to tremble and flutter like the leaves of a tree in a strong wind. After years of practicing, nowadays he manages to say "Hi" to quite a few number of girls. However this mighty Sher says it so softly that even his ears have difficulty in picking up. That's what you call as "saving energy" !

Legends have it that once Ponty sets his eyes on something, he will strive hard to get it. His patience is praiseworthy. Even a crocodile will get frustrated seeing the amount of patience that he has. In fact at the end, patience is the only thing that he is left with !!!! There are number of examples which we can give on this but we feel that it is unethical on our part, to divulge into the personal lives of people. That is why we are very well respected all around. Well we could go on and on about Ponty, in fact we could write a 1000 page Biography on him. But the time is short and hence it is not possible for us to write all his characteristics. So back to our story.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTRY OF BHALOO

We can't really recollect the time when this incident occurred, but we think it was somewhere in the Third Year of Engineering. Ponty was rushing down the steps on his way to the canteen to bully some poor unsuspecting victim into sponsoring his lunch. Just as he turned the corner on First Floor, Ponty laid his eyes on the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen in his life. Ponty stopped dead in his tracks. His mind went blank (or analogously, his knees went numb) as he kept staring at this lovely girl. He flushed and blushed. Her pulchritude was beyond compare and Ponty's heart skipped a thousand beats. He was so mesmerized by her that he did not even realize that he was blocking her path.

Excuse Me ... The words came to him like the mellifluous sounds of a flute or like the scintillating sound of the santoor reverberating through a lush green valley. Ponty was lost in his dream world.

Excuse MEE ... There was that sonorous voice again. Suddenly Ponty realized that the words were directed towards him. His dreams shattered, he came crashing down into reality. Ponty moved aside mumbling something incoherently (we guess that it was “Q”). As she breezed past him Ponty realized that he had finally met the girl of his dreams.

Later with the help of his common friends Ponty got to know the name of the girl. She was Bhalguni referred to, by her friends as Bhaloo. Ponty was besotted with her .. he could not get her out of his mind. Actually speaking Ponty was clean-bowled ! Ironically he doesn't know how to bat. Ponty is just an ineffective spinner (as Boycott says - Lollypop Bowler) but whenever Ponty sees her on the ground he bowls as if he is the "Irla-Express" (at times even faster than the Rawalpindi Express). The speed at which he bowls is astounding; the ball burns due to the friction with the atmosphere. He does all this to impress her.

As we mentioned above, Ponty gets tongue tied when it comes to talking with the opposite sex. But Bhalguni was Ponty's dream girl, and in front of her, however hard he tried, Ponty couldn't utter a single word. He stammered and stuttered, bellowed and screamed but nothing seemed to cum out of his mouth. That made him furious with rage. He realized that this wasn't the way to charm her. In fact her impression of him had slipped down to abysmal levels. Ponty knew he had to do something to gain her attention. And he decided, histrionics was the only way out. We already mentioned about the Irla Express, Ponty tried to be a part of the Fashion Show competition, he danced wildly at festivals, cracked more inane jokes, laughed louder and maybe even postponed his decision to go to America ( We still wonder ). He also managed to get some tips from a notorious Casanova-cum-flirt and big-time kulti-king, Sir Langur. He did all this just to impress her. He did manage to improve his image somewhat but his achievement was comparable to a small drop of water in the entire Indian Ocean. (Siddhuism). However being terrified of females, Ponty still didn't have the courage to open his mouth. It wasn't as if Ponty didn't try, he tried his heart out. Every time he tried to tell her the words just didn't come out of his mouth.

In sheer frustration he started to sing

"kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay…koi to bataa de is ka hal o mere bhai … ki ek taraf to us se pyaar kare hum ... aur us ko hii yeh kahane se Dare hum ...

kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay…. koi to bataa de is ka hal o mere bhai….. ki ek taraf to us se pyaar kare hum ... aur us ko hii yeh kahane se Dare hum ...

roz roz hum sochta yehi … aaj hum ko woh agar mil jaae kahi … to aisa bolega (saala) vaisa bolega … khula-khula us pe dil ka raaz hum kholega … woh saamne chamaktii hai saans hii atakti hai … aur yeh zabaan jaatii hai phisal ...

kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay !!!!."

This goes on and on. On her birthday Ponty tried to call her up. He had decided that this was it, it was now or never. When Bhaloo picked up the phone, Ponty screamed : "Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai ….. ". Bhaloo : "Kya?"

Ponty had practiced for this moment a thousand times, he wanted to say those three magical words, but nothing seemed to cum out of mouth. There was a deafening silence as the whole world came to a standstill. For 5 minutes Ponty couldn't say anything. On the other end, Bhaloo waited patiently for Sher Singh. Ponty, however couldn’t gather up the courage to speak out his mind (knees to be precise !!). Finally after what seemed like ages, Ponty just whispered an anti-climactic "Happy birthday".

At the end, Ponty hung up the phone and went back to his thinking process. (We are indeed privileged to have with us this intellectual of such a high quality among us) He was dejected, he had failed again to speak out his heart. Now his motto seemed just like the spider (and to some extent Mr. Paad) : “Try and try till you succeed !”. Way to go buddy (y).

Ponty should be thankful to his dear male friends of BE comps (former) for always being with him when he has needed them. They have tried everything to get things to work out for him but unless Mr. Ponty makes some useful efforts on his part, there's no scope for any improvement. He should realize that time is running out and “Pehle Aap, pehle aap main gaadi nikal jayeegi” He shouldn’t wait for things to happen but make things happen. This is all the advice we can offer. May the force be with you, Ponty.

We being writers of Fiction have taken the liberty of predicting what would happen in the future. Here is what we think will happen.

KAHANI KA CLIMAX …

APPROXIMATELY 2 MONTHS FROM NOW………

DATE : 13TH MARCH 2002…….
LOCATION : Tukku Ji Ni Vaadi ( urf Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi )
TIME : 9:00 am.

SCENE:

It's a quiet pleasant morning. All the free souls of BE comps and a soul from construction dept. are blissfully sleeping without a worry in this world.

The serenity of the morning is disturbed when all of a sudden, the phone rings…… RING! RING!.

Wobin, the LandLord of the Vaadi is woken up from his deep slumber and picks up the phone.

Wobin : "Hello"

Caller : "Ponty chhe?" (a Gujrati line for : "Is Ponty there")

A sleepy Wobin was surprised to hear a feminine voice asking for Ponty. In his 4 years of association with Ponty, this had happened only once. Well that time it had turned out to be Ponty's mom. So Wobin assumed that it was Ponty’s mom trying to speak in Gujrati and shook the sleeping tiger. The tiger woke up giving a terrifying roar, which was measured at 4.20 on the Richter scale. He hated to be disturbed from his sleep. However after having splashed water on his face to get rid of his sleep, he picked up the phone and in his usual style said (assuming the caller to be his mom) "Kya Hai" very arrogantly. But little did he know, it was not his mom. It was his dream girl Bhaloo.

Bhaloo : "Mujhe Kuch kehna hai"

But by reflex action he queried “Q Kyooooooooon ?”.

He soon realized that he was making a fool of himself. (Rather he was making a Ponty of himself) After gathering a little courage and his usual thinking, he said : "Kya Kehna Hai ?".

Ponty was suddenly excited. He thought that the moment he had been waiting for all his life had finally arrived. He had seen the movie Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai a thousand times and in that movie, in the climax, the heroine finally says the 3 magical words. Ponty thought this was it. Ideas begun to rain down on his mind in torrents.

So what did Bhaloo finally say to him. Did she finally tell Ponty what he had been waiting for his life. Was this the climax we have all been waiting for? To find what Bhaloo said to him, please scroll downwards.

Hold on to your seatbelts folks, you are in for the ride of your lives. Go on.

Still waiting for the climax ... go ahead ... and find out for yourselves.

The suspense is building isn't it ? Heart patients better stop reading. Others scroll down further.

Are you still with us ? Well your patience is astounding. Hats off to you. Go further down.

Anyway the person who guesses the suspense gets a free dinner at Subbalakshmi sponsored by none other than Mohinder Chopra.

Hee hee .. The tension is building. Go down scroll further.

You might have plans for bashing us up right ? But go on ahead .. the climax will cool you down.

You are still here ? Your patience amazes me. Go on .. you are almost there.

Ok well, that's enough of suspense for you people. Well what did Bhaloo say…..

BHALOO SAID …………. I MEAN BHALOO TOLD PONTY THAT ………… RATHER BHALOO TOLD PONTY ON THE PHONE ……… ACTUALLY BHALOO TOLD PONTY ON THE PHONE …….. (hmm) SHE SAID …… (he he) HAPPY BIRTHDAY PONTY ….

Ponty was crestfallen, his hopes shattered and his dreams destroyed. He had no other option but to mumble a Thank You and hung up the phone dejectedly.

THE END.

(Well we admit that this turned out to be an anti-climax but this is the best we can hope for our dear friend Mr. Ponty)

ps. (before we leave) - We would like to dedicated a song to Pom Pom Ponty. It is from the film ' Dil to pagal hai '.

And it goes “Kab tak chup baaythe ho…aab to kuch hai boolna!"

Thank you for bearing with us. This is all we have to say. And Ponty, Dil Pe Mat Le Yaar. Any comments, whether appreciation or criticism are kindly welcomed.

- Compiled and Edited by Sourabh & Ketan.

LAGAAN - The Match

2006-02-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Americans, fellow dirty Indians and a lone crusader from Bahrain,

The D-Day was closing in just like the cloud formations at Tungarlee. The armies were marching in, the forces were gathering and war was about to commence. A force more powerful than any ,the world has ever known was about to be unleashed by the two people who knew better. Yes we are taking about Captain Langur The Cheapu & Emperor Rohit The Anaconda King urf Bhai The Betaaj Badshah. The Land Of Bananas was filled with excitement as their team was marching towards the battle-ground. (analogous to the basketball court in Shah and Anchor grounds). The villagers marched towards the ground shouting slogans such as " We will , We Will Rock You ... We will, We Will F*** You , You and your *ocks ".

By now you must be knowing what Paad the PJ Master would have said about Analogous.

The village wore a festive mood as villagers and blond bombshells poured in from neighbouring villages in large numbers. The clock systems went for a toss as the minute hand started cum-peting with the second hand. (think straight you filthy cheapus Indians and more so for Americans). There was total dis-orientattion. The entire ground was over-flowing with colorful villagers just like the Bhushy Dam as they thronged along to support their home team. Most of the Barbarians in apprehension of the big match (Captain Langur being a major exception) "spanked their monkeys" urf "unplugged the dolphin" urf "wonked their wonkies" urf "strengthened their respective hands". Everyone had their own unique styles. (Please refer to the movie THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MARY to understand the above jargons.)

THE TOSS :

Both Bheja-puri and Captain Langur walked out to the cricket field for a toss. As Anaconda King tossed way up in the air (we meant the coin you cheapus --> sudhar jao), Captain Langur saw an opening and swiftly went in for his famous and copy-left Out-Out trick. This caught Anaconda King off-gaurd as he wasn't wearing his leg-gaurd and his got displaced along the sliding vector. The coin slipped out of his hand and Langur won the toss. With his trademark irritating grin Captain Langur declared that his team will make first use of the pitch. Captain Langur was delighted since he knew that batting second on this pitch was next to impossible. And he always preferred batting first on any type of a pitch unlike his second in command Lieutenant Tintin The Terrible who always was of the opinion that 'playing the last innings was his forte'.

As the crowds awaited the match to start The Anaconda King and his merry men prayed one last time before marching on to the field ready for the final assault and to reverse all the insults that had been bestowed upon them by this barbarians. Undeterred by the humiliation by way of the displacement he suffered, Anaconda King made his so called "setting" or "adjustment". He was a now a man on a mission. For him nothing seemed impossible. And victory was a must against these cheapu barbarians.

THE TEAMS :

Banana Team : ( batting order )

1. Anaconda King- Bhuvan ( captain & all- rounder )
2. Funali - lakha ( bastman )
3. Jerry - Bagha ( batsman )
4. Shetan - Ismail ( batsman )
5. Gwati - Arjan ( batsman )
6. Mona Darling - Ishwar ( wicket-keeper )
7. Genie - Deva ( all rounder )
8. Nunki - Bhura ( bowler )
9. Bini - Guran ( bowler )
10. Bhow-rabh - Goli ( fast bowler )
11. Paad - kachra ( spin bowler )

Barbarian Team : ( batting order )

1. Captain Langur the Cheapu ( batsman )
2. Sepoy Kulal Machmach ( batsman )
3. Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle ( batsman )
4. Sepoy Wobin ( all rounder )
5. Sepoy Harsole Saah ( all rounder )
6. Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty ( wicketkeeper )
7. Sepoy Bandru Shaker ( fast - bowler )
8. Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi ( null pointer bowler )
9. Corporal Tanan Bandit ( spin - bowler )
10. Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu ( slow bowler )
11. Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible ( batsman )

Lieitenant Tintin, though in the team as a specialist batsman was always sent last for batting. the reasons are obvious ...

THE MATCH :

Day 1 ....

Anaconda King opened his bowling attack with the fearsome but quiet bowler Genie Patel urf Deva. Genie Patel was an "NRV" i.e A None Resident Villager. She came from a village called Mary-Gaon. On the other hand Captian Langur was supremely confident of victory and so sent his worst batsman Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible to open the batting along with the regular opener Sepoy Kulal Machmach. Tintin the Terrible took strike .. he wanted the off-stump gaurd but the umpire kept on telling him that he was making a mistake .. so Tintin asked for a middle stump gaurd .. again the umpire affirmed that he was making a mistake .. Tintin then asked for a leg-stump gaurd .. again the umpire told him he was making a mistake. Now Tintin shouted at the umpire for being incompetant and asked what the mistake was ? The Umpire told him that he had to take gaurd in front of the stumps and not behind them.

Just as Genie was about to bowl, Terrible Tintin went on to his backfoot and hit the wickets with his bat. All the villagers found it to be hilarious and were rolling on their stomachs laughing .. clutching their stomachs. Terrible Tintin was humiliated as usual and for the first time in the history of the game someone was out before even facing a ball. At least till date Tintin used to get out first ball .. this time he got out before facing one.

Then there was a momentary silence as the unconquerable Langur came to the wicket. He was by far the best batsman in the world. He was a class act. Sheer elegance marked his batting and started flaying the attack. He not only smashed them all over the ground but frustrated them to no limits with his laughter. Meanwhile Kulal Machmach also managed to find his touch and was playing very sensibly. But while hitting a boundary he just glanced at the pavilion and saw Liuetenant Tintin and Corporal Tanan sitting beside each other and conversing. Kulal was instantly jealous and in a sudden rush of blood tried to smash a yorker from Genie out of the ground. He missed completely and was comprehensively bowled. The score now read 50 runs for 2 wickets with Langur batting unbeaten on 37. Corporal Wah-Mit walked in with his bat carrying it like a gladiator brandishing his sword or a cowboy aiming a half-sawed shotgun. He was famous for his fearsome batting. He joined the party and started assaulting the bowling attack of the banana king. There wasn't a shot he could not play and even overtook the irrepressible hitting the fastest 50 ever recorded in history. Soon the score was 115 for 2.

The Anaconda King then decided to make his first bowling change and introduced a variation. He brought on the spinning sensation Kachra - Mister paad with the unique "frog in the blender action". He would, at the start of his run-up jiggle his butt for approximately a minute and this would impart enough spin on the ball like a top to actually let it rip at right angles bamboozling the batsmen.

But the Anaconda King did not know that the pitch was a non-turner on the first day. Its hard to spin a new ball on the first day. Spinners should always be brought on with the old ball. So the Bechara and unsuccesful Kachra was spanked to all parts of the ground by both the prolific Langur and the swatch-buckling Wah-mit. Soon the score read 192 for 2 with Wah-mit on the verge of a century and Langur having just crossed his half-century.

Anaconda King had to replace him and brought on the ever dependable Goli - Bhow-rabh with an unusual but effective action. He immediately got the break-through having Wah-Mit caught behind. Not only Wah-Mit he also got the next two wickets in succession thus achieving the first hat-trick ever in the Land Of Bananas. Both Sepoy Wobin and Sepoy Har-sole were back in the pavilion with their egos deflated by this awesome bowler. No one could play him. Even the current Indian team needs bowlers like him !!! His secret behind his bowling abilites was that he could swing the ball either way, and also was the master of the reverse swing. He was such a born shiner that his shining abilities were often transeferred onto the ball which made it swing and seem at seemingly impossible angles.

score : 200 for 5 wickets

But for how long could he bowl?? He soon got tired and then the cheapus cashed in. Captain Langur who was still out there with the help of Lieutenant Ponty the wicket-keeper batsman played brilliantly to end the days play with the Barbarian team comfortable placed on 290 for 5 wickets with Captain Langur having compiled yet another ton. The day went miserably for the home team.

Meanwhile Lakha - Funali had fielded miserably all day as per her deal with Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi. Even that evening while the villagers were contemplating the day's play Fun-Ali was on a jaunt to visit Sepoy Bullu and to chalk out ther plan of action for the next day. Actually the villagers were trying to relieve their misery by watching 'Mohabbatein' at Basant Theatre at the stalls. Fun-Ali, while no one was looking quickly slipped out of the stalls and went up to the balconey to meet Sepoy Bullu. Hiding in the balconey they decided to continue their betrayal plans. This time they decided that Fun-ali will hide the ball in her hair while fielding and let the Barbarians run twice as much while everybody was busy searching for the ball.

However they did not know that Ass-Mita was sitting in the balconey too and had seen them together. She went to the stalls and warned the Bananas about this disgusting betrayal. The Anaconda King and his merry men were shocked. When Fun-ali returned to the village after the movie was over .. she was quizzed by Anaconda King. Terrified of the King and his Anaconda .. Funali confessed everything. She felt terribly guilty at having betrayed everyone and promised to the King that she will never do it again. The King & his Anaconda were deeply moved by her guilty conscience and the fact that her 'Love' for Bullu had made her a traitor. He forgave her on behalf of the villagers. Such was his forgiving nature.

Day 2 ...

The bananas came back to the field on the next day with resolve and determination. They had decided to get over their disappointments of the first day. Captain Langur and Lieutenant Ponty marched on to the crease arrogantly. They started off from where they had left the day before and continued playing the Banana Bowlers well. However the Banana bowlers were bowling with a great line and length troubling both the batsman. They were still unable to get wickets. Soon it was lunch and the score stood at 380 for 5. Anaconda King was confused. What could he do next ? Suddenly he had a brain wave. He decided to change the field setting and bring in new bowlers. He sent Bini - Guran to the boundary and brought in Nun-ki - Bhura as a bowler. Nun-ki too had a strange style of bowling. She made sure each time that her hair wasn't spoilt throughout the run-up and delivary. While observing this strange ritual .. the batsman often got distracted by her long cascading hair and would be caught off-gaurd. Ponty had just managed to negotiate 5 balls when he decided to show off his batting prowess. He smashed the next ball way over Nun-ki's head and everyone was sure it would go for a boundary when suddenly there was strange sound as if a vacuum cleaner was turned on. Bini's habit of inhaling air with a deep breath had made the ball deviate from it's projectile motion and go straight into the hands of bini standing at the boundary. Ponty was out.

score : 395 for 6.

Suddenly the bananas were fired up. Bini was saving everything at the boundary. Fun-ali was using her hair to stop the ball going over her head. Emperor Rohit himself used the Anaconda at this disposal to totally stop runs being scored. Runs had totally dried up for the Barbarians. Cheapu Langur was often left stranded as Sepoy Bandru could not manage to score. However they managed to occupy the crease without scoring anything. Anaconda King knew that time was running out as they would not have enough overs to chase the target. With just 5 overs for Tea, he brought on Mister Paad - Kachra.

score : 420 for 6.

First ball that Paad bowled, it was pitched outside leg-stump, turned a full 90 degrees and just crashed into the Sepoy Bandru's off-stump. He was left bewildered with his mouth open. As the villagers celebrated he walked back to the pavilion still in shock. Sepoy Bullu walked in and did not last for long as he was caught behind by the wicket-keeper Mona Darling - Ishwarkaka playing an absolutely deplorable shot.

score : 420 for 8

2 balls later Corporal Tanan was incidentally caught at 'Silly Point' by Fun-Ali and the Barbarians were reduced to 420 for 9. Sepoy Mamu managed to face the last ball and survive. Cheapu Langur now knew that he had to score of the other bowler since playing Paad was not possible. Facing the first ball of new bowler Bini, he tried to hit the over-pitched delivary for a 6 but mishit it way into the air. Anaconda King rushed after the ball and using his famous RPC (remote procedure call) managed to pluck it out of thin air. The Barbarian innings had come to an end with them having scored 420 all out. Such a fitting number for such a cheapu team.

Banana Innings :

Now it was time for the Bananas to bat. Out strode Fun-ali and the Anaconda King himself. Fun-Ali was determined to play well and make up for her betrayal but the silent assassin Bandru was about to bowl. Both Fun-Ali and the Anaconda King faced him comfortably. The Anaconda King is one unique player, he never uses a bat. He was elegance personified and could stroke the ball with such splendid touch that it had the spectators applauding every single shot. Fun-Ali herself was holding up the other end. They pulled up the total to 50 for no loss playing Bandru and Wobin quite comfortably. Soon there was a bowling change and Sepoy Bullu was brought on. He was a null pointer bowler. Fun-Ali was bamboozled by a terrific delivary and was clean bowled. In walked Jerry Hall - Bagha and she just went off after Bullu and hit him for 24 runs in a single over. Jerry was in fine touch and she hit the ball with raw power and soon the score was 111 for 1. The shrewd Langur took a calculated risk and brought on the slow bowler Sepoy mamu. Sepoy mamu bowled such a slow delivary that Jerry got bored waiting for it to come, she went to the pavilion, took a shower, changed her clothes, took a small nap and came back to the field to smash the ball over the boundary. Ther next ball was even slower .. this time when she went for a nap, the alarm clock didn't work and by the time she woke and came back, she was stumped by the sledging wicket-keeper Ponty.

score : 117 for 2

Day 3 :

Next came in the angry woman Gwati - Arjan. She too was a hard-hitting batsman and started to massacre the slow bowling of Mamu and the null pointer bowling of Bullu. Langur now brought back the Silent Assasin Bandru. He strode in full speed and threw a vicious delivary at Gwati right into her face. It caught her off-gaurd and she screamed I swwwwwear as she tried to save her head. The ball hit the handle of her bat and flew straight to wicket-keeper Potny. ( Kyooooooon ?? ). Now the Bananas seemed in trouble as Shetan - Ismail walked in to the crease.

score : 179 for 3

Meanwhile Anaconda King was in great form. He often just caressed the ball to the boundary. It was an innings of high class from him. Shetan the technically flawless batsman joined the run chase and had a great partnership going with his King. Runs flowed off their bat as they took runs off virtually every bowler and delivary. Bandru, Wobin, Mamu and Bullu had no answer to their onslaught. As the last option, Langur brought on Corporal Tanan. She was hit out of the attack by the marauding Anaconda King and his technically perfect partner Shetan. Runs flowed like Champaigne as Anaconda King completed an excellent century and Shetan raced to a delightful 50.

score : 300 for 3

Paad the PJ Master said " flowed like Urbana Champaign "

Langur was now in a quandary. What could he do to stop this excellent partnership. Ponty ran up to him from behind the stumps and whispered something in his ears. So at the end of Wobin's over .. while Anaconda King was drinking water in the break .. and not attentive ... the secret duo of Ponty and Langur tied up his anaconda in knotts. In fact they tied the last knot around the stumps. Poor Anaconda King when he was facing the fist delivary after the drinks break tried to play the hook shot to a steep delivary from Bandru. But his Anaconda which was tied around the stumps could not play the shot and he was out hit-wicket. Also he was hit on the face with the short delivary and had to be carried out of the ground on a stretcher. He was the second batsman out in the same match, hit-wicket. Shetan was infuriated. The next three batsman Genie, Nun-ki and Mona Darling tried their best to hold up one end and help Shetan win the match but they got out quite early. Suddenly from a winning position they had slipped to 320 for 7.

Bhow-rabh joined Shetan at the crease. Bhow-rabh wasn't a good batsman and knew his limitations. However he just hung out there taking singles and giving strike to Shetan. They managed to hold out together for a partnership of 75 runs at the end of which the score read 395 for 7. Shetan by now had completed an terrific hundred and looked good for more.

Meanwhile in the next over when Bhow-rabh was taking strike and Bandru was bowling, Ponty shouted Kyooooooooooon into Bhow-rabh's ear. It sounded like a thousand sabre toothed tigers just returning from hell bellowing with hunger. Bhow-rabh's concentration was affected for a milli-second in which the short pitched delivary took his outside edge and went into the hands of the eager wicket-keeper. Ponty was having a good match.

In walked Mister Paad - Kachra. He was the worst batsman in the side but still better than Tintin. Since Bhow-rabh was out on the last ball of the over he was at non striker's end. Corporal Tanan was bowling. While running in and trying to complete her action, she TAPPED Kachra on the most delicate part of his body - his butt. He started dancing down the pitch in excitement and in his antics took the ball in his hands before Shetan had even played it. Corporal Tanan appealed and the umpires after contemplating declared Kachra out for handling the ball. But it was the first time in the history of the game that a non-striker had been given out for handling the ball.

score : 395 for 9.

All seemed over as Bini - Guran walked out. With 26 runs still required, the last pair was at the crease and just 17 balls left. Shetan scored 10 runs of the remaining balls of Tanan's over. Now the requirement was 16 runs of 12 balls. Bini on strike .. she used her vacuum cleaner to deviate the ball from the stumps and take singles. They managed to score 9 runs of the over. So it was 7 runs of the last over with bini on strike. Bandru came on to bowl the last over.

First ball that he bowled was a bouncer. Bini couldn't play it at all. Second ball she hit straight to the wicket-keeper. The tension was mounting. The next three balls bini couldn't even play. She was so nervous that she couldn't get her vacuum cleaner to work. Everyone thought the match was over for the bananas. It was the last ball and bini was on strike. She had to hit a 6 just to tie the match. Just was the bowler was about to bowl .. she shouted "TRAIN CHAL RAHI HAI". All the barabarians thought a train was coming and dived for cover. Meanwhile bini played the ball and the pair ran a single. Shetan thought they had lost but the alert Umpire Chutney had seen Bandru over-step and declared a no-ball. So the Bananas now had one more ball to hit the six but this time the centurian Shetan was on strike. Just as Bandru bowled the last ball, Shetan smashed him way in the air.

as Sidhu the commentator says "it got an air-hostess with it on the way"

Langur ran after the ball. He ran and ran and ran and dived to pick up an extra-ordinary catch. Langur thought they had won. But when he looked down .. he observed that he had crossed the boundary line. It was a 6. The bananas had won

The Barbarians very left licking their wounds like wounded lions. They could'nt digest the fact that they had lost. Dejected, they left the peaceful Land of the Bananas for good. And the people of the Land Of Bananas lived a free and happy life thereafter.

We will just briefly tell you what all the Characters above are doing at present. If you are interested in what the characters are doing right now, then please scroll down.

CURRENT STATUS

The Villagers.

1. The Anaconda King --> Seeing his batting and bowling exploits he was given a scholarship in some distant Holy Land of Virgins. Right now he's drooling over the voluptuous and vivacious beauties of this exotic land. In fact he is now called Emperor Rohit, Lord of The Land Of Virgins urf The Virgin King.

2. Bhow-rabh --> This fearsome bowler is included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now honing his shining skills on poor unsuspecting girls and patenting new ways of swinging the ball.

3. Shetan --> He is one the luckiest and only the second batsman along with Sachin Tendulkar currently still playing to be included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now going to Sri Lanka to help the Indian Team to win One Match at least !!!

4. Fun-Ali --> Tired of hearing about the "betrayal" she has decided to go away to a far away land.

5. Jerry Hall --> Waiting for Wobin to return !

6. Gwati--> She is right now on a mission to kill all the 'Sharks' in the world.

7. Mona Darling --> Still finding the right oppurtunity to SPEAK. She is still angry over Kulal taking her clip to the Holy Land of Virgins.

8. Genie --> Sorry its Mrs.Genie. Right now she is playing cricket for the Mary-Gaon team and has got married to the team doctor Mr. Neil.

9. Nunki--> She has applied to the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest hair in the world.

10. Bini --> She has patented her unique ability to create a vaccum. Right now she has got a TA for giving all the tutorials she has imbibed from her 'God Fathers'.

11. Mister Paad --> Still using the obsolete 'try and catch' technique. He thinks he still has a chance like Aamir Khan in DCH .

The Barbarians

1. Langur--> Right now he doing whatever his "Jiju" asks him to do. He's still the Cheapu King.

2. Kulal--> He is dejected because his long time Sweet-Heart got engaged. He still has Mona's clip.

3. Wah-Mit--> He still says "Not before, only after!!!" (Remember the question at Ankur's terace?)

4. Wobin--> This Sheikh has got married legally to 4 different women .

5. Har-Sole--> Still thinks that the computer is a thing which you can Marry.

6. Pom-Pom Ponty --> Still inquisitve as ever asking "kyoooooooooo" and is now a full time slave in PCS, (Ponty's Company Of Slaves). He's responsible for implementing whatever plans that Tintin furnishes.

7. Bandru --> Has gone to an arid-zone called Arizona.

8. Bullu --> Shining as ever but now in PUNE !!!

9. Tanan--> Has ditched everyone and got away with a stranger called Niraj. Every guy except Bhow-rabh and Shetan hates u, Niraj !

10. Cow-Shit --> He has gone to Rajkot to bash up Niraj.

11. Tintin --> The Indian government has given him a VISA for Cyprus hoping that he never returns back. This guy is still a silent one-shot killer and still enjoys batting last on any type of pitch. Watch out Everyone !!!!

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- Compiled and Edited By Sourabh & Ketan

LAGAAN - The Tax

2006-02-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

DISCLAMER :

ANY RESEMBLANCE OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE STORY TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY UNINTENTIONAL AND FICTIONAL.

Ladies, Gentleman and Cheapus,

We are back with a new story. After the epic saga of love, Mohabbatein we have brought to you the story of Lagaan. Lagaan depicts the clash of two civilizations and the victory of the Weak over the Strong. A story which hails the power of unity when girl-power combines with the alluring charm of 2 all time great shiners and a genial king with a 'heart of gold and an omni-potent weapon'. They win against all odds with determination and commitment. Sourabh-Ketan productions bring to you Lagaan

THE STORY :

ACT 1 : LAND OF THE BANANAS

Once upon a time in a distant land, called the Land Of Bananas, lived a King. Handsome and wise, his flowing blond curls were the envy of many a men and a source of threat to numerous women. Even Nun-ki the 'Funky' famous for her beautiful cascading hair and a very good friend of Bhow-rabh and Shetan was jealous of him.

He ruled like an Emperor and cared for his people. His orders were never to be defied else he would roar like a lion and whip his Anaconda with the ferocity of a Ballistic Missile. His worst and most humiliatingly painful punishment was the dreaded "OUT-OUCH" technique.

The people of the Land Of Bananas were peaceful people who liked their rustic and quiet life-style. Life in this Land was like living in Paradise. Led by their benevolent but disciplinary King they loved their bliss-full existence.

The Emperor's subjects feared him but held him and his anaconda in high esteem.

Mister PAAD the PJ master says " 'high esteem' is the new model of Maruti"

His Royal Highness went by the name Emperor Rohit Bheja-puri, Lord Of The Land Of Bananas. However in private, he was often called the Lord Bhai the Anaconda King. In the rest of the story we will just refer to him as the Anaconda King much like the legendary Scorpion King in Egyptian folklore.

( we wasted 70 bucks for that movie :-( )

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ACT 2 : THE BARBARIANS ATTACK

Now in a sudden twist of fate or twist of anaconda, the Land Of Bananas was invaded by Barbarians led by the inimitable Langur the Cheapu. He held the title of Captain Langur and was thus the highest ranking official amongst the invading army of Barbarians and hence was the leader of the rampaging conquerers. Being a peaceful kingdom the Anaconda King had no reply to this ravaging attack and was forced to surrender.

The once proud Anaconda King was humiliated in front of his subjects by these Barbarians. The well-bred Anaconda too was publicly whipped by these cruel invaders. To add insult to injury, Captain Langur the Cheapu implemented the PLAN BCG on someone that the Anaconda King loved dearly. He despised this act of Captain Langur and vowed to wreak vengeance on this Barbarian.

The Anaconda King had now become a slave of the Barbarians and his anaconda went into hibernation. His subjects too had to face the brunt of the invasion and also had to bear with Captain Cheapo's very very wicked smile and an irritating laughter (so irritating that it could force you to bang your head on the wall) and were forced to pay a tax called Lagaan.

Features of Lagaan :

( to those who think Lagaan is just a monetory tax )

1) Lagaan is analogous to the terms used in Robotics such as
a) Tool Configuration Vector - Yaw, Pitch, Roll motions
b) Screw Transformations
c) Pick and Place Operations
d) Compliant, Gross and Grasp Motions
e) Shrink and Swell Iterative Operators

* please refer to "Fundamentals of Robotics" by Sourabh & Ketan

2) Also analogous to a Game of Golf ( where we take 1/6 the field of play )

3) Compatible to Java / Advanced Java developed by the 4 bandars at SAKEC labs.

4) Recall that we mentioned, that Java incorporates a unique template matching algorithm. Lagaan being an upgrade matches the objects in their entirety.

5) It also does away with the count variable in Java and instead initiates it to 0. count = 0 (default setting) However in unique cases, when access privilage level = 0, an ISR may be written to handle the interrupts where the count variable is incremented by 1. count ++

6) If constraints are not handled properly a child procedure might be created that might start feeding on the resources of the parent procedure.

7) Lagaan is partly equivalent to compiling a Javac program. But for complete Lagaan vasool, it is essential to compile and run the Javac program along with side procedures such as 18_till_i_die.mp3(song), 4-play.exe (game), hungry.pdf etc.

8) In the hill-climbing algorithm associated with Lagaan, if the Lagaan is not vasool (collected) properly, it leads to frustration. Hence many a times frustrations are associated with the hill climbing algorithm.

9) When a party wishes to communicate with a second party (she-party), it sends a flirting request to the she party. If the she-party is in agreement, it sends back an acknowledgement. Next control parameters are exchanged to pave the away for data information. Setting up the control field is an integral part of the entire process. Unless the settings are perfect, data exchange is not possible. Now that the connection is set. Party sends data across the physical connection. Once entire data is sent the she-party breaks off the connection and the entire process comes to an end. Sometimes either side may use Fire-walls for security and protection.

10) Throughout the process of Lagaan vasool, QOS has to be maintained. More often than not the spiral model is used for maximum performance. For better quality, Function points have to be taken care off.

11) With reference to point 9, if party = client, and she-party = server ... the entire process becomes a client-server process also called RPC. In such a case if client crashes, running process is called orphan. Orphans can be stalled by using a) extermination b) reincarnation c) gentle reincarnation d) expiration

Back to the Story ......

One fine day as Cheapo Langur and The Anaconda King were having breakfast Captain Langur asked The Anaconda King to do the famous "Anaconda Show".

(Mister Paad the PJ master says : break-slow ).

The King and his hibernating Anaconda refused to do so. Captain Langur knew the omni-potent power of the Anaconda and wanted to control it. He knew that if he could get the Anaconda to do what he asked it to .. he could become the most powerful man on earth. The King's refusal to comply infuriated Cpt. Langur to no bounds. ( remember the "unbounded buffer " algorithm in Operating Systems) Shaking with fury, he decided to teach the King and his men a lesson.

( By the way this para is called the Classical Producer Consumer Problem)

So Captain Langur decided to levy more Lagaan on the King and his men. He roared "tum mujhe dugna (double) lagaan doge ". The King could not humble his proud Anaconda and knew he had to pay up. He had no other option.

This whole act angered the King's men. Already frustrated with the cheapu-giri of their new rulers, this additional Lagaan seemed to be the last straw. Now let us talk about some of the King's men.
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1) Kachra --> Mister Paad

Mister Paad used to clean up after the King had used the toilet.

( there were no toilet paper in those days )

This pathetic character was nicknamed Kachra because of his job and also his dirt-cheap copy-left PJ's that were a torture to those who heard them. Basically he's a low-life scum.

2) Ismail --> Shetan

Potter and part time Court Jester. A very funny, witty and jovial man, he brought a smile on the faces of many a person including the King with his witty and sarcastic comments. A great shiner he was very popular with the girls of the Land Of Bananas. A living legend and along with Bhow-rabh one of the only two successful GOPIs left.

3) Goli --> Bhow-Rabh

Farmer and also a funny man. Along with Shetan, he's a top notch Shiner, Gopi and a good man at heart. His charismatic personality has left many a woman drooling. Another living legend.

God bless both Shetan and Bhow-rabh.

4) Arjan --> Gwati the 'Naughty' Faatkar

( I Swwwwwwwwwear ) Black-smith and trekker, she's got the stamina and fleet-footedness of a mountain goat. She's good at heart but her love for double meaning entendre' had even the barbarians shocked. (I Knnnnnow)

5) Ishwar Kaka --> Mona 'Darling'

A very good natured girl who never said "no" to anything. She plays the soft-hearted Vaid.

6) Bhura --> Nunki 'the funky' ka-nokia

Her long cascading hair the envy of many, she's the best friend of both the script writers. She's a 'Murgi-wala' and is frustrated especially while catching a murgi called 'he-meeeeeeen'. Actually it was a case of the 'cart pulling the horse' because the murgi was trying to catch Nunki.

7) Bagha --> Jerry Hall

Bagha is the Mute-Drummer. Jerry gets the role because of her enormous strength and power. It was quite an effort getting her to keep quiet throughout the shooting of the movie. Her frustrations at not being able to speak made her stomp her foot in anger which caused an earth-quake in Bhuj where the movie was shot.

8) Guran --> Bini the Bunny

Guran is the crazy fortune teller. Bini was given this role because of the way she laughs. Almost like Guran. Also her ability to crack very silly comments and start laughing.

She often fortells fortunes like -> train ruk gayee etc. Often seems to me like a Psychic. She also has the same love as Gwati for some double meaning entendre'.

9) Lakha --> Fun-Ali Dholey alias Bam Bam Bhole

Lakha is the Wood-Cutter and the ultimate betrayer. Please watch out in the story how she manages to betray the team. She talks like a foreigner and is well known for saying

"There's a bottle out there"

I can mention a thousand things about her hair but we have already said a lot about them in our previous stories.

10) Deva --> Genie Patel

The Sardar from the neighbouring village -> Genie Patel. Genie is a quiet nice girl who comes to help the villagers in their fight for glory. She has quite a few surprises up her sleeve.
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All the King's men (and women) decided to show their disapproval. They approached the King along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and requested him to forfeit the Lagaan. But the King could do nothing. He was helpless.

When Captain Langur the Cheapu heard their plea for help, he decided to trick them with deceit and decided to challenge the villagers to a game of Cricket popularly known by some as "OUT-OUCH" game.

He promised them that if they win the game he would forfeit the Lagaan. But if the Barbarians won, the villagers would have to pay him 'triple' teen guna lagaan. Bhowrabh and Shetan the good guys promptly accepted the challenge. Such was their confidence ....

Cricket was a game that was never witnessed by the villagers of the Land Of Bananas because all their life they were playing "Gilli-Anaconda".

The Barbarian Cricket team consisted of many a world class players. They are nicknamed ' The Barbarians ' by their vanquished opponents. A run-down of the team.

1) Captain Langur the Cheapu

Captain Langur was the strike batsman par excellence. Regarded by many as the best batsman in the world. His arrogant and irritating grin while batting infuriated many well-renowned fast bowlers. He managed to bring the worst out of them. Captain Langur is the pioneer in the field of Lagaan vasooli. Also one of the co-founders of Java he's often lovingly called The Cheapu King much like The Anaconda King.

2) Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty

kyooo?? I dont have to give intro abt him !

Actually Pom Pom Ponty was second in command and also instrumental in the creation of Lagaan vasooli. However he loves when the 'Odds' (Mister Paad the PJ Master calls them 'Evens') are trebled and his dream lies in teen guna lagaan. Pom Pom Ponty was the wicket-keeper and an expert in sledging.

kyooo??

3) Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible

The Sometimessssssssss ... Despo Bhand

Tintin the terrible, sometimes was also known as The Despo King. He was often the last for Lagaan vasooli because his victims of taxation often ended up beyond help. He also had this fixation of roses with thorns especially thorns.

4) Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle

Hard hitting Kovali (pre-marital) batsman

Wah-mit was known as the Body. His bulging biceps, flexing muscles and drop dead good rugged looks had the women swooning over him. He was the hard-hitting batsman in the side. His power and elegance made batting look so easy. Wah-mit was a man of principles, a man with ethics, and he was against Lagaan vasooli. He firmly believed that if Lagaan vasooli was to be done, it should be after marriage. The secret of his batting was his complete abstinence from Lagaan vasooli and he followed his ethics with passion just like Hitler's passion for conquering the world.

5) Corporal Tanan Bandit

The garrulous Tanan Bandit was the spin bolwer of the side. She was an expert in bowling googlies. Honestly speaking .. she was a lousy player and many believe it was her proximity to Captain Langur that got her a place in the side.

She was the dream of all Romeos. Her drop dead looks had mesmerized Captain Langur the Cheapu, Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi, Sepoy Kulal Machmach and Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible. In fact though a lousy player she seemed to be a key player of the side. She was like an Anchor of the side around which the entire team revolved.

6) Sepoy Bandru Shaker

Sepoy Bandru is known as the Silent Assasin. A quiet fast bowler he spells doom on any batsman that dares to bat against him. He runs in like the wind and bowls deliveries beyond the speed of light. Also a useful batsman, he can make mince-meat of any bowling side on his day.

He was a quieter and more decent member of the side. His use of technology was also remarkable. He did believe in Lagaan vasooli but used the new internet technology to create Cyber-Lagaan. An invention that was instrumental in making him a quiet and mentally satisfied individual.

7) Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi

Bullu Di Chaddi was a very fearsome null pointer bowler. A medium pacer by specialization, he would often torment the opponents with his excruciatingly slow batting. As for his fielding .. one can only praise his greatness .. he prowled the outfield like a squatting dog hidden snake. His exploits were not only limited to the cricket field, his null pointer attacks on poor unsuspecting victims like Wobin and Shetan have been well documented.

However he continued to be a sweet-heart of both boys and gals.

8) Sepoy Kulal Machmach

His curls the envy of many, Kulal was the opening batsman in the side. A shake of his head and girls would fall down unconscious. Such was his prowess. A technically correct batsman, he was more famous for his PCO and bIndica. He also had this lapses in concentration, this was because his interests lied elsewhere. It is often said that he joined the cricket team only because Corporal Tanan Bandit was a member of the side. He often had personality clashes with Captain Langur over Corporal Tanan. However later in the story they team up together to defeat the evil designs of Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi.

9) Sepoy Harsole Saah

A quiet character. He was the brains of the side. A computer geek, he analysed the weaknesses and strengths of the opponents. He also created a Virtual reality software that assisted players to correct their technical flaws. He was a lower order batsman and part time bowler in the side. However he was in the side because of his mental shrewdness. Also a shiner in the mould of Shetan and Bhow-rabh, he was a great trekker and mountain climber. He was nicked the Cool-Kid.

10) Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu

Another bowler in the side, he could out-fox opponents by bowling a faster delivery once in a while. Much like the legendary Venkatesh Prasad who was his idol. Sepoy Cow-Shit bowled really good slow balls and better slower balls but his normal speed delivary was his surprise weapon. He was much of surprise packet and was used to break partnerships.

However he was a decent guy though he tried to shine a lot. More in the mould of a TRYER than a SHINER. However his shining success with umpires and referees is legendary.

11) Sepoy Wobin

Sepoy Wobin was a true warrior. He could bat and bowl with great control. A good-natured guy, he was very secretive about his love life with neighbourhood girls. He always had a few surprises up his sleeve. There is a saying about him

" Wobin was a Right Man in a Wrong Team ". Often supported the Constructors led by Havaldar Biswas Halva.
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Faced with this task of defeating the Barbarians, the Anaconda King hand-picked his team to take them on. Soon this team of villagers came to be called as the Bananas and the clash came to be known as Battle of the Bs. Anaconda King himself decided to take on the mantle of Captainship.

* remember this is not an exact replica of Lagaan.

1) Bhuvan (Captain) : Rohit Bheja-Puri the Anaconda King

The Anaconda King was definitely the best batsman and bowler of the side. None could even hope to come close to him. The greatness of his batting was that he never felt the necessity to use a bat.

2) Lakha (Wood-Cutter & Betrayer) : Fun-Ali Dholey

Fun-Ali was an attacking batsman of the side.

3) Bagha (Mute Drummer) : Jerry Hall

Jerry is another hard-hitting batsman. She uses all her strength to send the ball sailing well beyond the ropes.

4) Kachra (Sweeper) : Mister Paad

Mister Paad is an unlikely hero. A spinning sensation, he could mesmerize a batsman, just like Shane Warne used to. He had this unique ritual before he came in to bowl, he would dance around at the start of the run-up jiggling his butt. That gave the momentum to spin the ball like a Top.

5) Ismail (Potter) : Shetan Shah

A classic batsman, he was the second best batsman in the side after Ananconda King. Elegance was the hall-mark of his batting.

6) Arjan (Blacksmith) : Gwati the 'Naughty' Faat-kar

She was also a hard-hitting batsman and could smash the ball way out of the ground. She had the stamina of a mountian goat and could run like a cheetah between wickets.

7) Ishwar Kaka (Vaid) : Mona Darling

Mona Darling is the wicketkeeper and a decent batsman at best.

8) Guran (Fortune Teller) : Bini the bunny

Wild with both bat and ball, bini is unpredictable. Capable of taking a coupple of wickets, she had a strange batting style. However she was an excellent fielder as you will see later in the story.

9) Deva (Sikh) : Genie Patel

A good all rounder, Genie was an excellent cricketer. She was the only one with some cricketing back-ground as she came from Mary-Gaon a place where cricket was played. She came to the Land of Bananas to help the poor villagers against their evil rulers.

10) Bhura (Murgi-Wala) : Nun-ki the 'Funky' ka-Nokia

Good at catching chickens, Nun-ki was a fielder who bowled a bit. A la Jonty Rhodes, she was an excellent fielder much like bini.

11) Goli (Farmer) : Bhow-rabh

The second best bowler in the side after Anaconda King, he was an attacking pace bowler who had put fear into the hearts of many a batsman.

Umpire :-

1) Colonel Love-Kick Chutney : the unsuccessful detective and also one of our loyal friends left after the Lonavala trip.

2) Colonel Purr-Aag Kanan-De : Quiet Skeleton

The Captain Langur the Cheapu had given the villagers 3 months to prepare for the match. Initially the villagers had some reservations about taking on the Barbarians but Bhow-rabh and Shetan cleared those out. The real problem was that the villagers didn't know how to play the game. As we said earlier the only game they played was Gilli-Anaconda.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTRY OF ROSE (RACHEL SHELLEY) aka ASS-MITA

The Captain had a gorgeous sister. No number of adjectives could ever completely describe her pulchritude. She was as beautiful as a lotus growing in a dirty pond. Indeed she stood out as an exception in this gang of ugly Barbarians. She also had a heart of Gold. She believed in equality of all humans and was against her brother's exploitation of the poor pheasants of the Land of Bananas. When she heard about the challenge she knew that this would not be a fair fight and was of the opinion that her brother was doing something wrong. Believing that the villagers should get a fair chance to defend themselves, she decided to oppose her brother and going against his wishes she made up her mind to help the poor villagers. And the best way to help them was to help them learn the game of Cricket.

The villagers were delighted. Now at least they could learn something about the game and at least fight the Barbarians on even terms. So the over-joyous villagers and especially Bhow-rabh and Shetan accepted her with both hands and ..... Now the moment that the Anaconda King laid his eyes on her, he fell head and heels in love with her. Soon enough the Anaconda King and his faithful Anaconda be-cum a slave of her beauty but both (King and his Anaconda) couldn't quite convey their feelings. On the other hand Bhow-rabh and Shetan who were always looking out for a chance did the needful .......

KAHANI MEIN DUSRA TWIST : THE BETRAYAL

As we mentioned earlier, Captain Langur's team had a very special player, Corporal Tanan Bandit. Well what can we say about her. We have already mentioned her characteristic traits in an above paragraph. Corporal Tanan was a loquacious person and very beautiful. She had created quite an effect in the Barbarian team when she had first joined them. Captain Langur, Sepoy Kulal and Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi had gone weak in their knees ever since they had laid eyes on Corporal Tanan. Now Bullu Di Chaddi being the sweet talker that he was took her to the village canteen for a date. Sparks flew between them as they sat beside each other in the canteen. Bullu Di Chhadi and his bullu fell big time for her and he proposed to her right there in the village canteen. She promptly accepted it. Bullu Di Chaddi and his bullu were absolutely delighted. The two made a really beautiful couple.

Captain Langur also liked her a lot. But however hard he tried could never impress her. He too tried taking her to the canteen but she refused to go with him insisting that she wanted to go only with Bullu Di Chaddi. Next he tried to impress her in the Computer Labs of the village. He and his friend Lieutenant Tintin the Despo King did all they could to create feelings in Tanan's mind for Captain Langur. As the final step they tried to Console (!!!!!!!!) her. For those who do not know what "console" we are talking about here, please refer to Ankur Pal or Mohinder Chopra.

After all this the animosity between Langur and Bullu grew no bounds just like the unbounded buffer algorithm.

On the other hand Lakha (from the Bananas) urf Fun-Ali also started having feeling for Bullu. She wanted him so desperately that she did not mind betraying her friends and team-mates. She was just mad about him and his irresistible hair.

(According to us they make a good HAIRY couple .)

However seeing him going around with Tanan made her shake with fury. One day when her in-built delay flip flop was not working, she came up with a brilliant plan. While the preparations for the match were going on Funali secretly approached Bullu along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and confided in Bullu. She had a deal for him. She agreed to give the Banana team's strategy and game plan for the match. Not only that she would throw away her wicket quickly and also mis-field purposely.

But she had condition !!!

Bullu was told to part from Tanan and to accept her with all his mind and soul. Bullu was now in a dilemma. It was a choice between his love for Tanan and his love for the Team. He decided to help the team. For him, his team was a priority and so he parted away with Tanan.

Seeing all this enraged Pom Pom Ponty ( kyooooo? ) because he had feelings for Funali. Captain Langur and Sepoy Kulal who were already enraged with Sepoy Bullu decided to help Ponty in his evil designs. One day when Sepoy Bullu was travelling in a train, Pom Pom Ponty injured him in a one to one mortal combat. Poor Bullu was left with an injured left hand.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : THE MATCH

Continued in Lagaan - The Match.

- Compiled and Edited by Ketan & Sourabh

The Tungarlee Waterfall Project

2006-02-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

THIS IS A TRUE STORY !!!

ALL CHARACTERS ARE REAL AND NOTHING IS IMAGINARY

The Tungar-lee Waterfall Project is loosely based on the movie The Blair Witch Project. For those who don't know, The Blair Witch Project is the story of 3 young reporters with handy-cums (2 guys and a gal) who go to the woods surrounding the Blair village in search of a legendary witch known as the Blair Witch. And then they disappear into the wilderness.

One year later, their video footage was found. The entire movie is based on this footage which shows how the three reporters disappeared.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Cheapus and Kuljit with his Chaddi, Sourabh and Ketan Productions present yet another pulsating climactic adventure. So fasten your seat-belts and hold on to your Anacondas as we take you through this nerve racking experience. Get ready to rumble with The Tungarlee Waterfall Project.

TUNGARLEE WATERFALL PROJECT :

THE STORY

One fine day, 17 young men,women and Kuljit went on a trip to Lonavala, a scenic paradise for fun and frolic. Excitement and exuberance was in the air, when these 17 friends (so-called) met at their rendezvous point at VT station in cosmopolitan Mumbai. So far so good, everything was going according to plan as they reached their destination : Lonavala. After whetting their appetites with some mouth-watering Bhurji and veggie Poha, they sat down to decide the day's plan. Everyone had their own ideas but a majority were of the opinion that they should visit the Bhushy Dam, when a resounding and firm voice said

"kyoooooooooo?"

Everyone looked around to find the source of this voice, it was none other than the gentle giant Pom Pom Ponty. (kyoooooooooo) Suddenly there was silence in the air, as all waited for Ponty to say something. After his customary pause (a la Vajpayee) Ponty with a firm and authorative voice said "Tungarlee Waterfall". Except for Fun-ali no one knew what he was talking about. (Tungar-lee = brother of Mana-lee {Fun-Ali}). Ponty re-affirmed his idea saying with a certainty (certainty factor used in Dempster Shaffer Theory=1) that this was the place to go. For the first time in eternity of Ponty's life, his brain had become active like a person cuming out of a 22 year old Coma. He assured everyone that he had been to this place and it was definitely a mind-blowing experience.

(Mister Paad the PJ master says : job-blowing)

According to Pom Pom Ponty, Tungarlee was a fantastic place for Pom Pom. Beautiful cascading waterfalls hall-marked by smoothly free-flowing quintessential water just like our best friend and fellow protagonist Nun-ki Ka-Nokia's hair. Lush green landscapes surrounded this majestic sight. It's pulchritude far beyond description, it was something that had to be explored to realize it's awesome and exotic beauty.

Here is the image the Ponty created in his friends minds.

Everybody was convinced with this idea. Considering that it was Ponty's first ever contribution (idea) to the group, all the 17 decided to give him a chance. Actually they were foxed by this cunning sardar (what an irony!!!). As Shetan always reminds us, "Ponty is not as dumb as he looks". Surely Ponty had other ideas. Behind the scene his untaxed brain (so-called) was working over-time to come up with a devilish plan to isolate his long time infatuation, the serene and beautiful Nunki ka-Nokia. Accompanied by his friends (so-called) Ponty set out to find the elusive water-falls (or was he ?). The dangerous Pom Pom Man, confided in 13 of the group about his plans and threatened them to act accordingly. However knowing Nun-ki's friendship with Bhow-rabh and Shetan, he could not dare to tell them the truth. Ponty's plan or at least what he told the others was that, they should all ride cycles on the way to the water-falls (no one should ask kyoooooooooo ?) and force Shetan and Bhow-rabh to ride the same. Actually devious Ponty knew very well that Nunki could not ride a bicycle for fear of damaging her beautiful silky, smooth, shampoo-conditioned ....... hair.

As everyone selected their bikes, Ponty waited patiently like a vulture circling about its prey waiting for it to die. Now at the end, only the three good friends (Shetan,Nun-ki and Bhow-rabh) were left without bikes. Shetan and Bhow-rabh being very good human beings and caring for all their friends waited till everyone had their cycles of their choice before selecting their own. Such was their loyalty and dedication to their (so-called) friends. Now the evil cunning Ponty decided to make a move and approached Nun-ki along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and quizzed her if she would like to ride double-seat with him. Nun-ki being such a simple and decent girl immediately refused him. Crestfallen and dejected Ponty quickly got over his disappointment and decided to modify his Plans. He quickly asked the Shetan to take his bike and ordered Bhow-rabh to take a new one while like a gentleman he offered to accompany Nun-ki in the Rickshaw.

Bhow-rabh and Shetan smelled something fishy (Mister Paad the PJ master says fish = shark --> smelled something sharky) and decided to investigate. They were very protective of their good friend Nun-ki from the clutches of sinister minded individual's like Ponty. That is why Shetan and Bhow-rabh are highly regarded in Girl-circles. So they firmly told Ponty to ride his own bike alone and they would bring Nun-ki along, to the falls, by the rickshaw. This infuriated Ponty to no bounds (like the unbounded buffer algorithm used in OS). And he formulated a third plan which will be revealed only at the end.

Now begins the actual adventure. The two guys and a gal (i.e us and Nunki) set out for the exclusive waterfall (just like the search for the blair-witch, where waterfall is analogous to the witch) in a rickshaw while their 14 other friends ride bikes.

(Mister Paad the PJ Master says waterfall is digitologous to the witch)

Pom Pom Ponty takes the 13 riders through long winding roads and seemingly impossible ascents to reach the Tungarlee falls. Hours pass by as a confident Ponty takes them for a ride. Towards the end he seems genuinely confused (but was he?). After the long and enduring ride, the 14 riders managed to reach some sort of a water-fall (cataract). A relieved Ponty claimed that this was the Paradise that they had come in search of. This was the famous elusive Tungarlee Waterfalls. Meanhwile the three loyal friends had disappeared. But the gang of 14 friends (so called) were euphoric on seeing this cold gushing water (actually it was sewage water -> made more dirty by the contribution of uric acid) amidst a drizzle (i am talking about the rain you cheapus!!!). No sooner than they splashed into the water they forgot all about their three loyal friends. Lost in their fun and frolic, they could not spare a single thought for their poor loyal friends who had disappeared into the cold lashing rains. Such was their lack of concern for their friends. After splashing around in the water long enough, these 14 friends content with the fun they had rode their bikes back to the market. Still adrenalized by their water-sports, these chaps now felt hungry.

Another lone crusader --> Bullu with bulli, suggested that they go to a fantastic eatery called Radha Krishna where he said, the food was a gourmet's delight. Fun-Ali agreed immediately and enthusiastically supported the idea as she was tired by her day of playing around in water and riding bicycles and so had elephants trumpeting in her stomach. Ponty too gave his approval for Radha Krishna. Thinking with their stomachs now rather than their knees, these friends (so called) trode along with Ponty. They sat down in the restaurant and had a great delicious stomach filling lunch.

Satisfied with their day of entertainment they walked back to the Bungalow in which they lived. When they reached the Bungalow they realized that they didn't have the key. They thought for long and traded charges as to who had the keys. Suddenly some-one had a brain-storm. The keys are with Nun-ki said an enterprising fellow. Now there was pin-drop silence as the 14 friends (so-called) realized that 17 people had come to Lonavala not 14. Three people were missing. It was analogous to the Blair Witch Project where 2 guys and a gal go in search of a witch and then they disappear. Similarly the three loyal friends in search of the exclusive water-falls had completely disappeared, in fact vanished into thin air.

Now the 14 friends (so called) were really worried. Well they were worried not because 3 of their former friends were missing but because they were feeling cold and had no keys. They came across the care-taker whom they persuaded to open the neighbouring bungalow. They sat there waiting for the 3 loyal friends to turn up. Mister Paad cracked his usual jokes, Ponty silently whistled to himself --> his devilish mind grinning to itself, Langoor continued showing his teeth, Tintin was worried about the bungalow, Bullu and Fun-ali were lost in their romance, the rest of the girls dreaming about something or the other, Purr-aag, A-mole and Wah-mit sat silently and Mamu and Har-zole discussed the latest OS on offer. The clock struck 9 when they heard some voices outside. Someone looked out of the window and lo behold the three loyal friends had come back. Everyone was delighted, now they could go inside and change into something hot and dry. However Ponty looked a bit surprised. They pounced on the three loyal friends and Tintin stuck his hand right inside Bhow-rabh's pocket to snatch the key and open the door. They rushed into the bungalow like stampeding buffaloes on a rampage. However a few of the more sympathetic ones stayed behind to ask the three loyal friend's whereabouts. It was then that the three loyal friends told them their story.

The Tungarlee Story :

The three friends got into a rickshaw and ordered the driver to take them to the Tungarlee Water Falls. The driver smiled devilishly at them and answered that he would drop them off at the Tungarlee Dam and they would have to take a walk to the Tungarlee Waterfall which he said was just a 15 minute walk from the Dam. Lost in their conversations, the three loyal friends were dropped off at the foot of a hill which the driver said led to the Tungarlee Dam and the Waterfall further on. Again he gave them a devilish smile. Innocently the three loyal friends trudged along to the top on the hill on which a moderately beautiful Tungarlee Dam was built. Worried that that their friends on bikes (so called) would have a hard time climbing up to the dam, they waited for a while on the Dam for them. Then Bhow-rabh suggested that since their final destination was the Water-falls and it was where they planned to meet, they should proceed ahead with the plan. So poor Nun-ki and Shetan trudged along in search of the Waterfalls. As they trekked along a treacherous route up the hill, they had to encounter various obstacles and difficulties including mud filled paths and rocky patches. But they went along with resolve and determination to find those exclusive falls. Soon enough they reached the top of a mountain. It was a wonderful place to be with a pleasant wind and a scenic view of the entire landscape of Lonavala including a neighbouring mountain with some wonderful cascading waterfalls. But still the three friends walked on and on with the firm resolve of finding those falls. Poor Nun-ki was worried about her friends (so called) and wasn't ready even to spend some time on the hill-top and watch the very scenic view. She suggested that they rush back to the bungalow and wait for their friends(so called) because they might be wet and hungry.

Just as they were discussing what to do next, the wind suddenly started blowing faster and faster. Dark clowds covered the skies and a dangerous formation started to take shape. Shetan the well-informed guy screamed that it was the same formation of clouds that led to twisters in the movie "Twister". The three poor loyal friends were terrified. The wind picked up velocity and blew in gusts, bellowing with the rage of a thousand roaring lions. Soon enough the rain started pouring down at sharp angles like they were spears thrown by the God Of Death. Bhow-rabh and Shetan didn't have any protection and were showered with the hurtling rain as it created sensations of pain on their body. But they were more terrified that Nun-ki would be blown off the hill. Suddenly the lions took a break and a gust of wind blew with a new sound .. something that sounded familiar to Bhow-rabh and Shetan .. it sounded like someone screaming Kyooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon. But they didn't pay any attention to it as they thought that it was a mere coincidence. Kyoooooooooooooooooooooooooon .. the wind continued unabated. The loyal friends rushed down the hill fighting against the thundering wind and the lashing rains. They just about managed to reach the Dam when the rains suddenly stopped and the sky cleared as if the storm had never occured. Perplexed with this Shetan and Bhow-rabh brushed it aside again as a coincidence. Again on Nun-ki's persuasion they went to the Bungalow and waited for their friends (so called) for what seemed eternity as a whole herd of brontosaurus trampled on their starving stomachs. When till night their 14 friends hadn't turned up the three loyal friends went for a quick dinner cum lunch. They had only one meal the entire day. Another interesting phenomenon occured when they were returning from the dinner. The rickshaw that they got into was driven by a crazy fellow who appeared to be quite drunk. His face had a blank stare, and when the trio told him that they wanted to go to the Kauveri Farms he just said "kyoooooooon?". Suddenly the brilliant duo --> Bhow-rabh and Shetan finally understood what this was all about. They managed to hold on during the roller-coaster ride and directed the rickshaw to the bungalow.

By now everyone had gathered around them and were listening with interest (actually for some people the interest was more to do with 'what they had done with the pool - money'). It was now that they told the actual story.

The Actual Story :

What happened with the trio is the suspence that you have all been waiting for. But hold on to your seats and please scroll downwards.

Still waiting for the climax ... go ahead ... and find out for yourselves.

The suspence is building isn't it ? Heart patients better stop reading. Others scroll down further.

Are you still with us ? Well your patience is astounding. Hats off to you. Go further down.

Anyways the person who guesses the suspence gets a free ride to the Tungarlee Dam from Bombay on a Hero Cycle sponsored by Kuljit Chadda.

Hee hee .. the tension is building. Go down scroll further.

You might have plans for bashing us up right ? But go on ahead .. the climax will cool you down.

Ok enough of suspence. Here is the true story. Pom Pom Ponty had plans of isolating himself and Nun-ki from others but the two brave fellows Bhow-rabh and Shetan had managed to overturn his plans. Angered with this Pom Pom Ponty was determined to take his revenge. Thus he sent the trio hurtling to their doom to Tungarlee Dam when he knew that Tungarlee Water-falls did not exist. Meanwhile the others he took for a ride through the streets of Lonavala so that they would tire and would not follow him. He made sure that they were as far away from the Tungarlee Dam as possible. The rickshaw wala who smiled devilishly was a crony of Ponty and was paid handsomely for taking the trio to the foothills of the Tungarlee Dam. Ponty meanwhile ran to the top of the mountain. Seeing Nun-ki with her loyal friends enraged Ponty so much that he erupted like a dormant volcano. His anger led him to create the storm. The gusts of wind and the rain was created by Ponty himself. He was so angry that he wanted to blow Shetan and Bhow-rabh off the mountain. When his plans didn't succeed, he shouted kyooon a couple of times. This was the sound that Shetan and Bhow-rabh heard which sounded like a burst of wind. Then his next plan was to starve the trio till night as a punishment. But the loyal trio bravely withstood this test of time as they had throughout. Finally as a last resort Ponty got drunk and and tried to frighten Shetan and Bhow-rabh so that they would run away and leave Nun-ki for him. But that didn't happen as they held on. Finally tired with all his exploits Ponty gave up.

This, our friends, is the true story of Tungarlee. The story of the fight of three friends and their friendship against the tirade of an evil rampaging Ponty.

That is all I have to say our friends (so called). Hope you all do well wherever you are.

- Compiled and Edited by Sourabh & Ketan

Mohabbatein

2006-02-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends, Foes and Bhai, We are back again and back with a bang! The team that brought to you such classics such as Darr, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Kaho Na Paad Hai now come up with the Mega Block-buster Mohabbatein with a sensational cast. We present to you all, our biggest project undertaking. This story has everything you could ever imagined in life -> Love, Hatred, Friendship, Family, Broken hearts, Kovalis, Shinning and what not.

The movie was exclusively shot in the mystical islands of Java and also the surreal Virgin Islands. Java is such a fascinating place to shoot, lovely white beaches and corral filled crystal like seas. You could dive in and search for exotic pearls or lie on the beaches with the waves lapping up at your feet. The interiors of the island were equally wonderful, lush green valleys, trimmed bushes, cascading waterfalls and peaks exquisitely sculpted by the forces of nature. It was so beautiful that we explored the complete length and breadth of these wonderful islands.

Anyway back to our story, this is a true-life story and any satire detected is unintentional. So the story goes as follows

Mohabbatein - The Uncut Version

Characters :

1) Amitabh Bachchan - Narayan Shankar : Wah-Mit Bhow-kulle

Wah-Mit plays the role of Amitabh. Wah-Mit "the ever fresh Kovali" suits the role perfectly being fresh in all sense. Wah-Mit "the ever fresh Kovali"

2) Mrs. Narayan Shankar : Miss Uttara Bhatt

Our very own maam, Miss Uttara Bhatt plays a special role in this movie in a sporting guest appearance. She agreed to this role only on the terms that the role of Amitabh Bachchan is played by Wah-Mit.

3) Shah Rukh Khan - Raj Aryan : Kulal Machmach

Kulal, The Certificate (Vivekanada College) carrying boy, plays Shahrukh Khan.

4) Aishwarya Rai - Miss Narayan Shankar Jr. : Tanan Bandit

Tanan, The Certificate (Vivekananda College) owning girl, is the very intelligent Ashwariya Rai.

5) Jugal Hansraj - Sameer : Bullu Di Chaddi (minus his pagadi)

Bullu (the null pointer) - his pagdi = Jugal Hansraj

Bullu the Man-Eater from Meera-Gaon plays the cho chweet chocolate hero Jugal Hansraj.

6) Kim Sharma : Fun-Ali Dho-ley (alias Bam Bam Bhole)

Fun-Ali, (of no relation whatsoever to Mohammed Ali) famous for her Grizzly hair, plays Kim Sharma.

7) Kim Sharma's Beach Friend : Pom Pom Ponty No-Bra

Pom-Pom Ponty plays Kim Sharma's beach friend. You might say, Beach Friend who? But remember this is the Un-Cut, Un-Edited version of Mohabbatein.

8) Kim Sharma's Pool Friend : Cheapu Langur

Cheapo Langur is Kim Sharma's pool friend.

9) Anupam Kher : Wobin Kaun

Wobin (the not so fair) traitor plays the role of Anupam Kher who is a Sardar in the movie trying to woo the Sardarni Archana Puran Singh.

10) Archana Puran Singh : Jerry Hall

Jerry (not so slim) Hall is Archana Puran Singh.

11) Jimmy Shergil - Karan : Rohit Bhel & puri (alias Bhai, alias Emperor Rohit, Lord of the Land Of Bananas, alias The Anaconda Man, alias Badaa Admi)

Rohit the "Shaana" plays Jimmy Shergil.

12) Preeti Jhangiani : Ass-Mita

Assmita "The Sarvajanic" has been cast as Preeti J. Ass-mita is the surprise element in this story, read on how she finds her true love at the end.

13) Uday Chopra : Mister Paad

Mister Paad, "The shinner" plays Uday Chopra.

14) Shamita Shetty - Ishita : Miss Gwati Faat-kar

Gwati, "the Free-Dick hater" plays Shamita Shitty.

15) Salman Khan : He-man Jhapad-diya

He-Man, "The Linux Man" plays Salman Khan. You might say, there is no Salman Khan in the movie, but as we have constantly reminded you, this is an un-cut version.

16) Karishma Kapoor : Nun-ki Ka-Nokia
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Once upon a time long long ago in a distant land lived a tall, well built sweet little re(freshing) boy called Wah-Mit. Wah-Mit was a really good natured boy who always spoke the truth. He was a 'Man Of Principles', and believed in himself. Like Mister Paad, Wah-Mit had an angelic face full of childish innocence, however unlike Mister Paad, he was innocent in his heart as well. He was so naive that he believed that the world was as innocent as he was. Purity in 'Mind' and 'Heart' was his one principle in life. Fresh like the dew drops of morning, he was the purest of them all. Such was his pureness that he could even pass Lord Ram's "AGNI PARIKSA" with ease. His friends nicknamed him Kovali.

Wah-Mit also had this great respect for the opposite sex. He held them in high regard. He never looked at them with a 'Burri Nazar'. He would rather stare at the floor then look at girls directly in their eyes. In return the girls too held him in high regard. He was Mr. Perfect for them compared to the other 'Nalayak' guys. Wah-Mit was like a breath of fresh air. The girls idolised him to no extent. Well his purity and innocence wasn't the only reason they liked him, Wah-Mit looked like and was as well built if not more than "Hrithik Roshan". He was a true Kovali. For him every girl was like a sister (even Ass-mita).

But with the Information Technology boom there emerged a seemingly simple but very cruel language called "Java".

Features Of Java :

1.It is male-dependant.
2.It is completely object(s) oriented.
3.It creates an "instance" of an "object" of type "class"
4.It has unique "template-matching" algorithm developed by the 4-Bandars at the S.A.K.E.C labs.
5.It provides multi-user support.
6.It implements a perspective vision.
7.It has a unique AppletViewer.
8.It supports the famous "count" variable. Java provides each user a 128-bit "count" variable.
9.Java offers "socket programming" to communicate with a remote host.
10.It comes packaged with other additional components such as Java beans.
11."Data-Base at the back-end" can be accessed using JDBC-ODBC drivers by Java at the front end.
12.Java is completely compatible with "Oracle".
13.Improves knowledge of such diverse subjects as Geometry, Geography and Arithmetic.

The Complete Reference, JAVA 2 (Third Edition) authored by Patrick Naughton had this to say about Java

" Java can be summed up by the following buzz-words, Simple, Secure, Portable, Object-Oriented, Robust, Multi-Threaded, Architecture Neutral, Interpreted, High Performance, Distributed and Dynamic. "

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So back to the story.

Seeing the ever-increasing popularity of Java, Wah-Mit hired a personal instructor to teach him this language. Her name was Uttara Bhatt. But she had some other ideas.

Now Wah-Mit had a very well toned body in reply to all the hours he had put in at the Gym. His Bulging Biceps were worth their weight in Gold. Salman, Sanjay and Free-Dick had inferiority complexes when it came to Wah-Mit's Body. Wah-Mit would have put even Arnold Shwarchnegger to shame, such was the impact of those rippling muscles. Having a good height, his athletic frame made him an 'ADONIS' among mortals. Girls would start screaming "We Love Wah-Mit" laying their eyes on him. The entire country drooled about him. Guys and gals alike. Wah-Mit was the ideal 'Gay Pin-Up' fantasy. His handsome sharp features made him a Gorgeous Hunk in the true sense of the word. Good-looking, sizzling body and a pure heart, what else do you need?

Uttara Bhatt fell for him big time. She absolutely drooled over him. She very soon found that Wah-Mit as usual never saw her in that way. She did not give up and began to impress him by showing him features of Java. It was like Manika trying to seduce Vishwa Mitra. And soon enough Wah-Mit fell in for her and did the unexpected. He did something that he even hated to think about and was against his so-called ethics. This thing in novice terms is called "premarital". It was like using the 'Javac' (compilation) command before even writing the program code.

Very soon a baby girl, Tanan was born (it is similar to creation of a .class file after compilation). Miss Bhatt was ashamed of herself and so she left Wah-Mit and Tanan. His principles in life undone by one stupid mistake, Wah-Mit was dejected with himself. His entire life was now in ruins.

From that day onwards, Wah-Mit decided never to compile a Java program. He decided to save thousands of students from the evil cluthes of Java. So he setup his own University. A University where his principles were strictly followed. By now Wah-Mit had become a very rigid man. He didn't like any changes in life and still teaches students COBOL virgin 4.0 in this modern age. He even devotes most part of his day in making Tanan more intelligent. He was indeed the best premarital single father ever known.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Attention Readers !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We now start the story 20 years later from now . JMP 00x000020 years.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

By now Wah-Mit's University had grown leaps and bounds. His university offered all types of courses except Java. TEACHING OR PRACTISING JAVA WAS AGAINST THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSITY. Students from all over the country tried their level best to enter this university. Competition was fierce. But this year only a handful of students were selected from the thousands of applications and among them were 4 very evil minded and notorious shiners, Bullu the Male Slayer, Rohit the Badaa Admi (he joined this university because he was thrown out from Virginia Tech for not being a virgin), He-Man the Linux-Man and Mister Paad the father of all P.Js.

Let me go into the details about these cartoons.

1) Bullu - his Pagdi ->

This guy (I really doubt) was brilliant academically. He was called "Raatofier" by his good friends. He didn't need to know the concepts to understand things, he would just raatofy them. However the problem with Bullu was that he was known as a Male Slayer. He had a fetish for men's undies and made his evil intentions clear when he tried to do what he did to poor Wobin. Even in the pools of Arnala, he held Shetan's hand and said "Yeh Dil Maange More". He was a God in writing C programs but could never avoid the "Null Pointer" exception as he didn't have the required Header files (ROUND about 2 in all). Also the truth is that he still doesn't know Java.

2) "Bada Aadmi" Rohit ->

In the initial part of his life he was like a gentle and friendly giant with a very weak right hand. But as he cume in contact with the opposite sex, things (I mean all things) changed. His hand becume much stronger and in the process developed a huge vicious "Anaconda" also known as the venomous "Spitting Cobra". He could play the anaconda with great efficiency. His Anaconda was multi-functional, it was a musical instrument, a deadly weapon, a sensor, dance partner, it even helped him while writing a paper or typing an email, fast transport, 3-way handshake device and an end effector with three degrees of freedom -> roll, pitch and yaw. The list goes on .........

Only the vocal chords of a female could distract him. He paid no attention at all to his male friends. He hated his male friends. In fact he hated all Indians (males) and dogs. One day, he even spitted (water to be precise) on his long time well-wisher Shetan (please don't go by this name, Shetan is indeed a good guy) He also treated Shetan's partner and his own long time friend Bhow-rabh like a beggar (even Bhow-rabh is a good guy). The Blonde Bombshell had now indeed turned into a "Badaa Admi".

3) Paad the unsuccessful Shiner ->

It is indeed an insult to write about this guy. My computer crashed a few times when I wrote about him. Please refer to the story " A Tail Of A Casanova" to know everything about this bum. In short, he was a master in "paakofing". He could crack the most pathetic of jokes and make normal people go absolutely crazy. His jokes cause normal people to pull out their hair and at times could make honorable god fearing citizens start removing their clothes in sheer frustration. Hence you don't need a haircut if you are his friend. (Fun-Ali is an exception to this). He is indeed a barber's nightmare and a curse to humanity. Also he was one of the guys whose pioneering work was instrumental in developing Java. (i.e. JDK 1. 3XXX)

4) He-Man the Linux Man ->

He-Man was a born shiner like Mister Paad but unlike the PJ Master, he shined in front of only one female, Nunki. He-Man was a serious kind of a person who took his life very seriously. Never the one to mess around, all his life he tried to support Open Codes. He felt it was the duty of a software professional to make codes free for all. Share and Care was his motto in life.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Bullu and "Bada Aadmi" had high hopes of learning Java but were very disappointed when they learnt that the University didn't offer any courses in Java. Though Mister Paad on the other hand, had developed JDK, he couldn't compile any Java programs. His pioneering work had left him too exhausted to Compile programs in Java and therefore lacked the required knowledge. Also he had not read any issues of the very famous CHIP magazine. He-Man was the only one who wasn't interested in Java, his only area of interest was the deployment of Open Source Code throughout the Institute. Wah-Mit was absolutely against the use of Open Source Codes and banned the use of Linux from his Institute. He-Man was disappointed.

These four were room partners and had soon become the best of buddies.

One day it so happened that Bullu had gone to the market to buy some stuff. There he saw his childhood friend Fun-Ali buying about a million Clips and a lakh Hair-Bands to keep her hair intact. Old memories flashed into his head, Bullu and Fun-Ali had been Langotti-Yaars. Her hair made him go bonkers and he fell in love with Fun-Ali and her outrageously enigmatic hair. Bullu was just about to express his feelings for her, when much to Bullu's disappointment came a man of few words and lot of actions, Mr. Pom-Pom Ponty No-Bra in a car and took Fun-Ali with him.

Note : Pom pom Ponty and the Cheapu Langur have performed ground breaking research in the field of Java as a programming language and are regarded along with Mister Paad and Despo Bhand as the 4 developers of Java.

Poor Bullu couldn't hit the 'hammer on its head' and soon turned into an introvert. One fine Day Fun-Ali, Pom pom Ponty and their friends had gone to Gorai Beach for a picnic. What happened there is now a part of folklore. For those who are not aware please contact Bishwas for complete details.

From that day Fun-Ali broke her friendship with Ponty but again to the disappointment of Bullu befriended Cheapo Langur. Cheapu Langur on the outside seemed to be just like Ponty, a good guy. But it wasn't so. Now this guy had a great swimming pool that could lure anyone at his guesthouse at Arnala. Bullu on the other hand had nothing. He badly needed a part-time job to pay off his college expenses. So Fun-Ali recommended him to Cheapu Langur who gave him a job of cleaning the pool daily. Bullu was indeed honored at getting such a good job.

One day Cheapu Langur invited all his friends for a poolside party including Fun-Ali. Since Fun-Ali was feeling nervous for the party she asked Bullu to accompany her. It was Fun-Ali's first poolside party and so Bullu being such a good friend accompanied her. Langur on the other hand had very cruel intentions. During the party he caught hold of Fun-Ali and threw her in the pool. He followed it up by jumping into the pool and started drowning her with his bare hands. This made Fun-Ali cry and Bullu started fuming with anger. He shouted at Langur to leave her alone. But Langur gave him his characteristic irritating dirty smile and said "Chal Bhug". Bullu and Fun-Ali decided to leave the party. Bullu asked Fun-Ali to use her head (which she incidently lacked) while choosing her friends. That day Fun-Ali attained the realization that she had fallen in love with Bullu. She expressed her feelings for Bullu and he said 'yes' at the speed of lightening. Since then they lived happily ever after. (Except for some stray incidents like 1) Arnala swimming pool incident with the good guy Shetan and also 2) the desperate plunge for Wobin's pants).

Meanwhile, one day "Bada Aadmi" had to go to the railway station to receive someone. As he was waiting for the train to arrive, he saw a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and a white female Ass-mita standing on the other side with a black skinned hairy baby in her hand. (Incidentally she was waiting for Shetan the father of her child) Rohit was so moved by her beauty that his roll, pitch and yaw motions got distorted and disturbed his anaconda from it's slumber which rose up to see what was happening. That very moment Rohit wanted to do an RPC (Remote Procedure Call) but the train came in between which led to congestion. To reduce the congestion Rohit used the LEAKY-bucket algorithm. However Rohit couldn't stop thinking about her. From that day onwards he and his poor Anaconda couldn't even get a good night's sleep.

Now lets talk about Mister Paad, the world's most unsuccessful Shiner. In fact he even holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the most Unsuccessful Tries. As Mister Paad was about to reach his university he saw a sweet little girl trekking her way up to the peak of a coconut tree which belonged to the university. Her good name was Gwati and she had an infatuation for coconuts after her Fundoman and Chocobar trip. Mister Paad thought that he could shine on her. So he caught her and told her that she was not doing the right thing. Gwati told him politely to let her go but he did not heed her request. So a furious Gwati had to implement the famous 'OUT-OUT' technique which took Paad by surprise and left his mouth open for a while. Please note that this incident happened on land so the SHARKS couldn't come to poor Gwati's rescue and so she had to do the dirty job herself. Gwati's boldness and arrogance left a positive impression on Paad, which started a spark in his heart, called love. Since then he tried many times but as usual was unsuccessful at every attempt.

Now on to He-Man. He-Man one day was busy programming in Linux when he heard a sonorous voice asking him if he knew where the Water Cooler was. He-Man turned his gaze to the source of the sound and looked straight into the twinkling eyes of a sweet little innocent faced girl. He-man could only stare and mumbled incoherently pointing in the direction of the Water Cooler. As she turned, He-Man saw the longest hair he had ever seen. The cascading hair stretched for miles and created a built-in predicate in his mind. It was sight he could never forget. So far only Linux had managed to create such an impact in him. He-Man had just had his first meeting with Nunki.

He-Man was a very reclusive shiner. He didn't shine for all and sundry like the other shiners in the class. His shining was Intel reserved only for Nunki. One day, he even polished Nunki's MP3 CD using a mixture of Old Spice After Shave and Axe Effect Spray, when he was supposed to polish 9 1/2 weeks movie VCD. The excessive shinning caused Wobin's CD-ROM Drive to crash and his friends were not able to see the movie.
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Kahani Mein Twist : Enter Kulal without his car and cell phone

( NOTE : Kulal - (car + cellphone) = non-existent entity ).

Let me tell you something about this character. A soft-spoken person, he never abused anyone. He had a great butt to which even Mona Darling would agree. He was very very helpful person. E.g. --- if someone (for all X where X = she) had to get something say certificates from a far away place like Vivekananda College, he would unselfishly accompany her/her. Such was his good nature. He was never violent and hence could play the violin (an e.g. of Mister Paad's jokes)

One day when he was playing his violin just outside the University, the sweet resonating music attracted the Khaadus Wah-Mit. Wah-Mit approached Kulal along the Approach vector which was Normal to the Normal vector. Kulal requested Wah-Mit to employ him in his university as a music teacher. Touched by the conviction in Kulal's voice and also his scintillating music, the rigid Wah-Mit enrolled Kulal into the college. Now Kulal was a Wolf in Sheep's clothing, his intentions of joining the university were devilish. This guy was a professional in Java (in fact he is the author of Java 3XXX - THE COMPLETE REFERENCE) and wanted to teach every student in the university how to use and compile Java (I wonder what he was up to)

Very soon he befriended the four despos amongst other students. He asked them to attend his (mu)sic classes. They all agreed enthusiastically. Kulal knew that Wah-Mit hated any sort of changes. He was a man of Principles and a strict disciplinarian, never the one to go against the rulebook. One day Kulal approached Wah-Mit along the Approach vector and Normal to the Normal Vector and requested permission to organize a 'Tharra Party ' (an alias for holi). Wah-Mit gave in to his advances and asked them to enjoy it, but it had to be outside the university premises. So Kulal and his students went to Wobin's Sarvajanic house and had a blast. The Party was a big hit with the students. Bullu started singing songs and riding imaginary horses; even Rohit's Anaconda got drunk. The students were really happy with the arrival of Kulal.

Kulal setup Rohit as a music teacher at Ass-mita's place. As I told u, Rohit was very good in playing the Anaconda. We did mention that one of Anaconda's multi-purpose uses is as a Musical Instrument. And Rohit was a master of this mystical instrument. No one could play the Anaconda better than Rohit. Now Rohit wanted to take full advantage of Shetan's absence. He firmly believed in the principle "Garam Hai Loha Maar De Anaconda (Hathoda)".

He hoped that someday he would be able to ball-dance with Ass-Mita. Initially Ass-Mita was very reluctant to use the Anaconda but seeing the experience, expertise and the efficiency with which Rohit could use the Anaconda made her accept the Anaconda with both hands. Well we forgot to mention what kind of musical instrument the Anaconda was. The Anaconda is a wind instrument much like a Flute or Scottish Bagpipes. The player has to blow very hard at one end varying the chord and the pitch using the fingers of both hands. It is very difficult to maneuver and hence only few people in this world can play it with the ease and clarity that Rohit can. Also the specialty about the Anaconda was that it could itself play the Bongo. So it worked as a dual musical wonder.

Now Ass-Mita was impressed by Rohit's musical skills and slowly their friendship grew into love. Rohit started dancing with euphoria. But to Rohit's disappointment, a few months later Ass-Mita gave birth to another black child. This time it was Langur who had the last laugh. Even after this incident Rohit still loved her with his heart and Anaconda. Seeing his love, loyalty, affection and dedication towards her, Ass-Mita decided to only bear children from men who are white and have blond hair so that Rohit would not suspect any foul play. Both of them lived happily for some time. Then one day, a blonde baby was born to Ass-Mita. Rohit was very excited. At last his efforts had borne fruit. However days later when he picked the baby up and ran his hands over it's blonde hair, he found out that the baby was wearing a blond wig. The baby had black hair and said " Badaa Admi, galti se mistake ho gaya ". This time Bhow-rabh had the last laugh. Rohit was infuriated for a while and he never quite forgave his old friend Bhow-rabh who got a good spanking from The Anaconda. However he pardoned Ass-Mita and they lived happily ever after.

ps: "they" in the above sentence refers to Bhow-rabh and Ass-Mita.

Meanwhile another love story was in the making. Wobin the Sardar Canteen-wala in Wah-Mit's Institute was infatuated with a Sardarni Jerry Hall. He loved her aggressive style of speaking and also the way she walked. She was a Gaja-Gamini. Now one day Bullu had invited everyone to a party at his native place in MeeraGaon. While everybody was having a ball dancing to the tunes of Dil Se, Wobin slowly while no one was watching took a pillow placed it on Jerry Hall's lap and slept on it. Since everyone was busy dancing, no one really noticed what Wobin had done. Wobin enjoyed this LapTop service for quite a while. His heart fluttered and he was heads and heels in love with Jerry Hall. At first, Jerry Hall was enraged, she stamped her foot down so hard that the earth shook violently and an Earthquake occured in Bhuj. But later when she calmed down she started to have some feelings of affection for Wobin and they lived happily ever after. God Bless Them.

Kulal after the success with Rohit, turned his attention to He-Man. He advised He-Man to change his route and start travelling by train Central side so that he gets to know Nun-ki better. He-Man was delighted, now he could spend his travelling time talking to Nun-ki and also get to see her lovely long hair every day. By the way, now it took him almost twice the time to reach home as compared to the Western side, his earlier route of travel. He-Man and Nun-ki soon got to know each other better and became the best of friends. He-Man started to divide his time equally between Linux and Nun-ki. Kulal suggested to him that instead of concentrating on Linux which was banned in the Institute he could create a new Open Source code called Janux which had all features of Linux. He-Man was ecstatic on hearing this new idea and jumped up with joy. However till date He-Man still likes his Linux more than his Janux.

However Kulal the shrewd guy had other ideas. He wanted to load Linux everywhere after upgrading it with JDK1.3XXX. That meant an open source Java which was the deadliest weapon against Wah-Mit. Such was his sinister mind.

While all this was happenning, Kulal knowing Mister Paad's pathethic failures at shining set him up as Miss Gwati's dance partner. In a way it was a good pairing. Mister Paad's butt was as good as, if not better than anyone. Mona Darling would definitely agree to this. It was like a huge tomato (his butt) that was held by a 1 mm stick (his body). Even Jennifer Lopez was like "Paani kam chai" in front of him. Mister Paad also knew some erotic butt-moves which could even enthrall Visha Mitra.

Initially, the arrogant Free-Dick hater, Gwati had some reservations about Mister Paad and kept him at a distance. This made Mister Paad ill at ease since he thought his attempt had gone waste again. Disgusted with his misfortune Mister Paad began to cry. Gwati was moved by his tears (not by him). She could not bear to see him cry. Touched with emotions, she accepted him with both hands which were insufficient in length because of the huge circumference of Mister Paad's butt. However Mister Paad had broken his record of "Unsuccessful Try" streaks. From that day onwards their life was never "Ruke Ruke Yeh Zindagi".

Meanwhile, the ever observant Wah-Mit had taken a note of all these incidents and the animosity between him and Kulal was growing day by day. Kulal, one day, asked Wah-Mit if he could arrange a Terrace party for the guys of the university and also bring a few girls from the girl's hostel nearby. Wah-Mit was enraged with this request and flicked it aside like VVS Laxman. Wah-Mit rejected the proposal because he was of the opinion that a Terrace party with girls would lead to breach of university rules including the ones on Java, Visual Basic and in particular the fundamental rule on "Premarital". Kulal was shocked by Wah-Mit's blunt refusal and his ego (egg) took a beating. He was hurt to no bounds. He decided to reveal his true color.

( colour -> this is for those who going to stay in India )
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Attention readers !!!!!!!!!now the story goes back in time to 5 years from now

JMP -00X0005 years ( intra segment jump )
_____________________________________________________________________________________

This was a time when Kulal himself was a student of Wah-Mit's prestigious University. Wah-Mit's daughter Tanan, had mastered all the programming languages except for Java. She knew that Wah-Mit vehemently opposed education in Java and would never agree to her learning Java. So boldly she decided to learn java from a private institution near Swami Vivekanand College and mastered it in no time. One day she bumped into Kulal while she was going to collect her "Java Certified Professional" certificate. The chemistry between the two of them clicked instantly and Tanan asked him to accompany her. Kulal agreed instantly as he was indeed a people (her/her)-person.

Deep inside, Tanan being so much attached to Wah-Mit, was feeling guilty conscious about two things,

1) Her learning Java without Wah-mit's approval

2) Her going out (-out) with Kulal.

So she went to Wah-Mit and did the unexpected "Haag diya" ( means she told him everything). Wah-Mit was so enraged that he exploded like a Volcano and turned red with anger. The confession had infuriated Wah-Mit so much that he rusticated Kulal without even seeing his face or listening to his side of the story. He also decided to send Tanan forever to a place far far away enrolling her in a Java-Rehabilitation centre under the guidance of none other than Nun-Vi.

Kulal decided to teach Wah-Mit a lesson and take his vengeance. He learnt Java " inside out " and explored it like no man on the face of the earth had ever done. He became a Jedi-Master in the art of Java. He swore to inculcate Java into each and every future student of the university.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Back to present tense. ( Scene - Confrontation between Wah-Mit & Kulal )
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Kulal told Wah-Mit he would spread java in the blood of all the students. Wah-Mit challenged him to do it. Kulal installed Linux on the servers of the University and upgraded it with JDK 1.3XXX on the servers of the University without Wah-Mit's permission and knowledge. He did not stop at that and taught Java to every student in the University with great passion using all his years of Java experience. He also loaded Java 3D XXX, JSDK 1.1XXX, JavaBeansXX and also CORBA XXX.

One day Wah-Mit on his usual rounds of the University Campus unseemingly caught a student compiling a Java program. Wah-Mit remembered his days with Uttara Bhatt and his heart skipped a bit. His everything was moved by this incident and he and his everything started melting. He could not sleep at night thinking about the compilation. Next day, he went to a Udipi restaurant with his old chum Love-Kick. While they were discussing Wah-Mit's problems, Wah-Mit laid his eyes on two very exotic sites (sights). Wah-Mit couldn't help himself and with the help of Love-Kick compiled his first Java program in 20 years using an AppletViewer. He didn't stop at one but compiled his second program in quick time. Wah-Mit was relieved and realised his folly. He had been mislead for 20 long years. He resolved to set matters straight and apologised to Kulal. The following day he apologised to the students and made Kulal the (dick)head of the university. The students cheered loudly and danced with joy.

This, my friends is the end of a very fascinating story.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Here is the present condition of all the characters.

Wah-Mit -> After realising that he had wasted many years Wah-Mit now compiles a different java program everyday.

Kulal -> Currently developing an advanced version of the template-matching algorithm. He is also the sole author of "JAVA 3XXX UNLEASHED".

Tanan -> Right now she is being harrassed by Nun-Vi. (I wonder why)

Bullu -> Still doesn't know anything about Java but can at least compile a Java program unknowingly.

Fun-Ali -> Is fed up with Bullu and his encounters of a different kind with his very close male friends.

Pom pom Ponty -> Visits Gorai everyday hoping that his luck would change.

Cheapu Langur -> Swims alone in his pool.

Mister Paad -> Compiles the same program everyday so that he doesn't get a "try-catch" error.

Gwati -> Still hates Free-Dick.

Rohit -> He has developed the Network Programming (RPC, Congestion Control, TCP (safe) and UPD (unface) protocol) part of JDK.

Ass-Mita -> Still giving birth to black children.

Wobin -> Still loves Programming on his Lap-Top.

Jerry Hall -> Still loves being Programmed on her Lap-Top.

He-Man -> He-Man still likes his Linux more than his Janux. (Red) Hats off to him.

Nun-Ki -> Nun-ki still travels by Central Railway with He-Man.

____________ THE END _______________

Bhow-rabh->B Shetan->S

Director : B & S, Producer : S & B, Dialog : B & S, Cast : S & B

JDK : 4 Banders.

DARR

2006-02-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

May I present to you a brand new story…. Yeh story mein Comedy hai, Violence hai, Naach-Gaana hai, Romance hai, Hero-Heroine hai, Sidey hai aur ek Villain bhi hai.

This story is about 3 individuals. Let me introduce them one by one.

CHARACTER 1 : SUNNY DEOL

Once upon a time lived a sweet little boy (that's a bit debatable) called Bullu (Bull-jeet). He had an angelic smile and an innocent face. Now, Bullu was a great lover of Women-kind. He respected and worshipped girls. In fact girls would flock around him like a herd of sheeps and buffaloes. (By the way Bullu has got admission in SUNY-BUFFALO). Soon he had a new nickname "GOPI". He could allure even the most unorthodox or reticent of girls to his side and would make them dance to his tune like a snake charmer. Indeed, he was a Casanova ; and a good one at that. Girls just adored him. Being a sweet talker he could charm his way right into a girl's heart. The guys, well they were just plain jealous of him. A lot of his friends tried to shake his stronghold over the girls but to no avail. Prominent among them were Mister Paad, Shetan, Bhow-rabh and She-man. But Bullu had good friends and they just loved him, even though he ignored them and acted as if they didn't exist.

CHARACTER 2 : JUHI CHAWLA

Also in Bullu's class was an absent-minded crazy sweet girl called Fun-Ali. (By the way, she is of no relation to the famous Mohammed Ali) Fun-Ali was a "Cartoonist's Delight & Hair-Stylist's Nightmare". She had this irritating little grin on her face much like Kulal, and always was late in understanding jokes. She always laughed much after the joke was over. This was due to a built in 'D' Flip Flop.

/* For those who didn't get the joke D means Delay */

What made her a cartoonist's delight and a hairstylist's nightmare, were her hair. They were obnoxiously wild and in fact could even be termed outrageous. IT WAS A JUNGLE OUT THERE.

OLD JUNGLE SAYING 1 : A legend has it that a Cuckoo built a nest out of her hair when Fun-Ali was sleeping in the balcony while still a little kid. And they have been the same since then.

No amount of hair-gel or straightening could rectify them. Her hair is like Iron-Fillings piled up in a heap and aligned along random magnetic fields of varying intensity. Indeed a hair-raising experience.

However her hair do have good qualities. Let us just list some of them.

1) As a Mop : You could hang Fun-Ali upside down and use her hair as a mop to clean your floor.

2) As a Stationary Carrier : Her hair is so dense that you could stick all your pens, pencils, rulers and erasers in her hair. This negates the need to carry a pencil box. But the only problem is that they may get lost for all of eternity.

OLD JUNGLE SAYING 2 : Another legend has it that Fun-Ali's good friend, Gwati found her "Drafter", "Set Square" and her "Drawing Pins" in Fun-Ali's hair almost 3 years after she had placed them there immediately after the Semester II exams.

3) As a Cap : Fun-Ali unique hair deviates Sun-beams so much that they often lose their way in trying to reach her scalp. This gives her a natural protection against the Sun.

4) Self-Defense : Fun-Ali's hair is spiky like that of a Porcupine, so she can use them in self-defense.

5) Water-Reservoir : Fun-Ali's hair can store water because even water finds it difficult to escape the unique structure.

6) Aegis against Brain Damage : No matter how hard you try to hit Fun-Ali on her head, her hair offers protection in addition to her cranium. However this is ironical because Fun-Ali does seem to lack one. (brain) Try tapping her knee.

In spite of her hair, she had good friends and they cared a lot about her. She is lucky to have such good friends.

CHARACTER 3 : SHAH RUKH KHAN

Now in the same class lived a devious minded big little kid called Ponty. Ponty was enormously built and a toughie. He was a Punjab da Sher and was often referred to as "Sher Singh". Ponty was gigantic and had a protruding belly. He breathes fire and his voice was like a lion's roar putting fear among even the bravest of men. But Ponty was a coward at heart. He feared the world in general and girls in particular. We will be specifying Ponty's other million 'bad' qualities in an exclusive story being released much later.

KAHANI : DARR

Bullu and Fun-Ali were good friends. They got on really well together. Fun-Ali without Bullu and Bullu without Fun-Ali were like fish taken out of water ( or like Fun-Ali without her hair. )

Bullu and Fun-Ali hung out together, sang duets at Dadar Station, pushed each other down from benches, went for picnics to Meera-Gaon, pranced and danced around trees like 'Ostriches' and saw movies sitting in the Balcony when all their friends sat in the Stalls waiting for them. Their life was going of really well together. The effect of Fun-Ali was such that Bullu started to ignore his female friends just like he used to ignore his male friends. Even Bandru his traveling companion and "langoti yaar" was not spared. This gave rise to new "Gopi's like Shetan and Bhow-rabh though other challengers like Mister Paad failed miserably.

KAHANI MEIN PEHELA TWIST : ENTRY OF PONTY

Ever since he first set his eyes on Fun-Ali, Ponty was bowled over by her beauty, her atrocious hairstyle (Ponty liked wild hair), her charming personality, her late reaction to jokes (Ponty too found it hard to comprehend jokes quickly) and also her platform sandals. Ponty started drooling over Fun-Ali. Ponty punched her, kicked her, stole her pens, hid her platform sandals, and made her run around the entire college chasing him but in his heart of heart he still liked her. However being terrified of females, Ponty didn't have the courage to tell her. He would blurt F.F.F.F.F..... (like k.k.k.k....kiran in the real Darr) but just couldn't manage to say it right. He stammered and stuttered, beloved and screamed but nothing seemed to cum out of his mouth. That made him furious with rage. He would play more and more pranks to get her attention but these would just succeed in alienating her. What happened at Gorai Beach is now just a part of folklore.

Fun-Ali in turn slapped him, kicked him, screamed at him and even tickled him with her porcupine hair but to no avail. Ponty was an honest man and let everyone know about his feelings. He had good friends; they tried to help him but were handicapped because Bullu was their good friend too. Ponty became like a man possessed, he would say F.F.F.F.... all day long. Finally after many unsuccessful attempts he did manage to say it right but it was too late. The sweet little Gopi had beaten him to the finishing line by a long long way. Ponty was like a turtle cum-peting against a hare like Bullu.

Ponty was enraged. In a bus-ride, he got so infuriated that he turned beet red with anger and started to "shake" with fury. But nothing could "calm" him down. Suddenly he let out a huge "roar". The bus trembled and his co-travelers feared for their lives. Then just as suddenly as he had "erupted" Ponty calmed down. The entire bus heaved a sigh of "relief". Ponty had just laid his eyes on an exotic Gujrati beauty called Bhaloo (Bhalguni). His attention diverted, he forgot all about Fun-Ali. Funali and Bullu were saved from the clutches of a sinister force --> the evil Ponty.

KAHANI MEIN DOOSRA TWIST : THE NULL POINTER

Fun-Ali and Bullu having survived a stern test lived happily for a long time before a new character entered their lives. He was Shetan, the evil conjuror.

Date: 20th March
Time: Afternoon
Place: Arnala Beach

Scene: Boys, girls and Ponty from BE-3 having fun in a swimming pool in a resort. Everyone was busy enjoying but nobody paid any particular attention to the scheming Shetan and his buddy in crime Bhow-rabh. Having picked their prey Bullu, they planned to pull down his shorts under-water. Bhow-rabh and Shetan slith across the water along the bottom of the pool like a shark out on a kill towards their potential victim, Bullu. Bullu was caught off-guard as 2 pair of hands (that makes it 2+2=4 hands) attacked him. One pair pulled down his shorts and swam away from the scene of crime having achieved their purpose. (Bhow-rabh). But the other pair, blissfully unaware that his buddy had already completed their mission, stretched out his hands in order to pull down Bullu's shorts. But by mistake he managed to grasp something. he shouldn't have. Because those shorts were the last line of defense that Bullu had. Bullu was taken by surprise and managed to catch an exasperated Shetan trying to make his exit. When Shetan surfaced from the water, Bullu caught hold of his hand and said "YEH DIL MAANGE MORE".

Shetan was shocked, he did not expect Bullu to have reacted the way he did. Bullu fell heads and heels in love with Shetan. Fun-Ali was meanwhile busy defending herself against the "cheapu" Langur who was hell-bent on drowning her. When she found out much later what had occurred, she was furious with Shetan for having exposed Bullu's true identity. (a null pointer)

Shetan being a good friend was ashamed of himself for having cum between his two friends and backed off. Life returned to normal and Fun-Ali and Bullu lived happily ever after.

However Bullu still sends signals to Shetan every alternate day. Shetan being such a good friend has resisted himself. Both Fun-Ali and Bullu should realize that they have such good friends. Considering they have only a week left in college, they should invite all their friends for a big party at Meera-Gaon. Ponty also should realize that he has such good friends who try to help him with each of his crushes.

- Edited and Compiled by Sourabh / Ketan

Kaho Na Paad Hai

2006-02-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

We are back again with a new story and a new cast. This story, basically has two protagonists, Miss Gwati Faat-kar and our very own Mister Paad the Casanova. Well this story is about love, about relationships, humour, violence but the main feature about this 'kahani' is the climax. So fasten your seat-belts as we take you through a roller coaster ride. Ladies, Gentlemen and Bhai, Bhow-rabh and Shetan productions present to you - "KAHO NA PAAD HAI".

Now let me introduce the characters.

CHARACTER NO.1: MISS GWATI FAAT-KAR : AMEESHA PATEL

Well what can I say about her. Once upon a time there was a very sweet, caring girl called Gwati who just enjoyed life. Helpful by nature, she devoted her life to helping her needy friends. She was very calm as a person and would never get annoyed. (The one exception being when she smacked 'Bhow-rabh' with a Bruce-Lee chop when he compared her new dress to his curtains.)

Now Gwati was also very sporting by nature, she supported the home team in all of it's fixtures (cricket and football) against devilish opponents. However she failed to turn up on the Sport's Day (B.E) when her friends needed her the most.

/* All their dancing skills in the midst of the cricket field went waste, because there wasn't a single girl to watch their antics. */

But she had good friends, and they willingly forgave her for not coming to cheer them up. Her friends really cared for her, and she is lucky to have such friends.

Now, Gwati is a great trekker. She is probably the female version of the great Edmund Hillary. Maybe she was a 'Sherpa' in her last birth. But Gwati has reached Great Heights in her aspiration to be the best mountaneer in this world. There is no peak (and I mean no "peak") she hasn't yet conquered. Such is her "Prowess".

Gwati has an amazing personality. Charming and modest, she makes guys dance to her tunes. Such was her charisma that even the most inert of guys, Bhai (Mr. Bheja-puri) made a "pass" on her !!!! This happened when he was requesting her for a steplar during the FE exams. But being one of the few practical and sensible girls in BE-3 she was not to be fooled by Bhai's cute looks and his enormous "anaconda". She very well knew the devil inside him. (Please note that I'm talking about the devil inside him and not the one inside his pants) This incident made such an impact on Bhai that he solely relied on his "right" hand.

But Gwati, being of such a nice nature forgave Bhai. She befriended kind hearted and decent fellows like Shetan and Bhow-rabh (who are mistakenly considered evil by quiet a few). They are such good friends, they are always there to help her when she needs them. Gwati was indeed such a 'good friend' that the definition of a friend was "Gwati" in those days. Infact she was the ideal friend a person could ever hope for.

CHARACTER NO.2 : MISTER PAAD

You all must be knowing about Mister Paad. I have delved into detail about him in the story titled "Tale Of A Casanova". But let me elaborate on this cartoon piece. When he arrived on the scene, he was a very good, friendly guy with a smile girls would die for. An aura of innocence surrounded him. He had a butt even Jennifer Lopez would envy. An easy to approach and good-natured guy, he had no airs about him. All his good friends just loved him.

Then one day he fell under the company of the wicked Threesome -->

1. The Cheapo Langur,
2. Pom-Pom Ponty and
3. Despo Bhand or the Tiltilating Tintin

The change these guys brought in this earthly guy was mind-bogling (though knee-bogling for Bullu and Fun-Ali). Now Mister Paad was no longer the fun-guy anymore. He had a devilish look about him. A sinister looking wicked grin lit up his face. His eyes became fiery with passion, they could burn charcoal just by looking at it. The look of a despo (Bhand alias Tintin), the grin of a maniac (Ponty) and the behaviour of a demented mind (Langur). Mister Paad had inherited all the worst qualities of the trio. Mister Paad was now a cheapo like Langur, a hopeless dare-devil like Ponty and an unsuccessful despo like Bhand(Tintin). He began to see DEFECTS (though not that big) in his male friends.

He just fell in lust for women-kind. Women drove him crazy, there was nothing else he could think off. He drooled night and day over them. Oops, I think I got it wrong, he drooled over them in daytime, it's beyond the decency of this Yahoo-group to specify what he did at night-time. But all I can say is that Mister Paad performed a lot of 'Potential Infant'icide. Mister Paad had now become a full fledged 'Shiner' and ironically started calling himself 'Casanova'. Ok now lets head to the Main Story.

KAHANI : THE BEGINNING

This is long before Mr Paad fell in for the sinister clutches of Boni. He was yet to come under her Magical Spell. Gwati, Cheapo Langur, Bugs Bunny and our very own Mr Paad were rehearsing for the very first time for a dance performance in the college festival. What a combination !!! A wannabe Michael Jackson, a Clumbsy Oaf, an energetic rabbit and an athletic trekker cumming together for a Dance competition is a marvel to watch. A mixture of Salsa, Break-dance, Cabaret, Hindi Movie ishtyle abdominal jerks, Twists (especially the one Mister Paad performed), Kangaroo hops and Ball Dance was what they intended to perform. A perfect mixture to show-case your talents. Now while doing a Ball-Dance, the moment Gwati touched Paad, an electric current flowed through Paad (since it was the first time any girl had touched him in his entire life). This distorted the magnetic field of his brain. He lost the control of his grey cells. And began to act like a lustful maniac out on the loose.

He started his own brand of cheap P.J's which could even frustrate GOD himself. Listening to Mister Paad's humour was like being sent to a Concentration Camp. He also started liking Gwati and turned into a even bigger despo surpassing Bhand by miles. Bhand was left astonished as Mister Paad soon became the 'Betaaj Badshah' of Despo-giri. He mistaked Gwati's friendliness as a kind of a positive vibe. His mental disintegration now complete, Mister Paad became like a man possesed.

/* but he truth is that he does not possess (have) anything. Please do not take the wrong meaning */

He be-cum(came) bolder and bolder just like the Colorado Boulders (this is an example of the level of P.J's which Mister Paad cracked)

Gwati being such a good friend didn't object to all this which sent wrong signals to Mister Paad. Mister Paad was ready to pounce the moment he got an oppurtunity. But he was yet till unsure of his fate. But Mister Paad had good friends and they tolerate him and his jokes because they still like him. Mister Paad is lucky to have such friends. He should invite them to his house and serve them with good food to cover up for all the pain he has inflicted upon them throughout the four years they have known him.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTER FREE-DICK LOTION (Hrithik Roshan)

Before Mister Paad could do anything lighting struck, and the unexpected happened. Not even in his wildest imagination, could Mister Paad have dreamt of such a thing. Gwati fell full-time for Free-Dick(I dont know what she saw in him). She started day-dreaming during lectures, would walk in circles all day long, and would call up every number in the phone-directory and ask if "Free-Dick was home". She started talking out loud to herself and would laugh suddenly looking at a wall to her own private joke. She would sing love songs during crash courses and Ball dance with her sweater imagining it to be Free-Dick Lotion. She stopped helping her friends and would get angry very easily especially on poor Bhow-rabh and Shetan her two really good friends. She smacked Bandru a hundred times in a fit of rage when all he had done was not to allow her to enter class for a few minutes. Her entire attitude in life changed. She would take wrong meaning of even the most harmless of terms used by 'Seedha Sadha' guys like Shetan and Bhow-rabh. She had changed completely.

Now Free-Dick was a guy whom even the apes/gorillas won't mate. Yet Gwati saw something in him. ( As a matter of fact he has nothing as compared to Bhai. The ratio Bhai % Free-Dick = infinity since infinity(Bhai) divided by anything is infinity OR something divided by zero(Free-Dick) is infinity ).

He lured Gwati onto the beaches of Candyman And Chocobar where they sang and danced love duets, went for scuba-diving, drank coconut water, danced with tribals around caldrons (full of boiling vegetables and people), ran around vast empty beaches, locked and unlocked themselves at Kala-pani.

But in his heart Free-Dick was a cruel man. He felt that women are no good than tissue-paper which is exactly oppposite to what Paad thinks.(Infact Paad uses the same tissue-paper every mo(u)rning). He liked to treat women like dirt. But Gwati who was completely bowled over by him, failed to notice this. While they were cruising alone on a cruise-liner somewhere on the Indian Ocean Free-Dick thought that he had an opening(I mean opportunity you naughty people and not that kind of opening). But by that time Gwati had realised this other side (evil) of this Free-Dick chimp

/* sorry to all the chimps in the world, we will not humiliate you again by comparing you to Free-Dick Lotion */

So he decided to pounce on Gwati and went in for the kill. But Free-Dick eventhough a muscular man and much stronger than Gwati didn't realize that he had a weakness. A weakness that no woman in this world has. So before he could do anything, Gwati kicked his weakness ("OUT KIYA") which left Free-Dick aghast (muh mein akhrod aa gaya). She then threw him in the open ocean where the sharks caught hold his weakness and removed it once and for all. An evil was finally destroyed. We should all thank the Sharks (though the sharks died soon after). May You Rest In Peace, Sharks.

After this incident Gwati realised what a great mistake she had done and returned to her senses. Now she is a good girl once again. No double meanings. She is back to her old helpful sweet self. In an online conference she finally called Free-Dick as hopeless using two facts

1. All guys are hopeless.
2. Free-Dick is a guy.

Using predicate logic in Artificial Intelligence, we can easily prove that Free-Dick is hopeless. Anyway even now she doesn't have any feeling for Mister Paad. But Gwati should realize that Mister Paad minus all his bad qualities (which leaves a null set) is still a good guy and is still better than Free-Dick Lotion.

Since only four days are left we ask her "Kaho Na Paad Hai".

- Edited and Compiled by Sourabh / Ketan

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

2006-02-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

Once upon time, there lived a crazy little boy called Kulal. There was a wicked grin on his face and a hairstyle like that of a Shah Rukh Khan. His hair covered half his face and his grin made up the other half. Every horse in the world would have been jealous of his hair. And each barber at this side of the Atlantic Ocean hated him for his coiffure. It was like "burkha" covering his face, like a veil of darkness. For that he had no special reason to use sunglasses. He had probably never seen the sun in his life, and even Nun-ki his good friend used to be jealous of his locks.

Kulal had a special talent, which we realized; God gave to a privileged few. I/O privilege level --> 0. And that was his fluency in English profanities. There was no word in the "Oxford's English Profanity Dictionary" that he was not acclimatized with. In fact he was responsible for adding a few thousand pages to this dictionary. They were his creations, of which there was no doubt, not even to God himself. After having conquered the English Language he shifted his attention to exploring the Hindi Language. It didn't take him long to conquer this "peak" as well and soon overtook the likes of "Langur", "Ponty", "Bishu", "Tintin", "Mister Paad" and even "Shetan". "Shetan" was the Betaaj Badshah of the Hindi Slang and was for long considered the "Father of The Hindi Gaalis". But he was no match for Kulal who was determined to become the "Best" or "The No.1" in the business. LANGUAGE NO BAR.

Even after this fierce rivalry to succeed in the "gaali" business, his friends still liked him. They were ready to withstand all his gaalis and abuses, thinking that he would improve someday. Though it did seem a distant possibility. After his heroics and conquests of English and Hindi, Kulal turned to new horizons. The last we heard he was trying to memorize the Swahili abuses and even befriended Wobin to learn the Mallu Gaalis. Such was his resolve to be the "Best" ever and to be better than people like "Denis Rodman" and "John McEnroe". His name was finally entered into the "Guinness Book Of World Gaalis" for patenting the maximum number of abuses / slang words. Among all his profanities, the word he likes most and the one he uses as a lethal weapon is the R**** word. In full flow he can even leave God ashamed (forget Langur) and agitate even the mildest and the calmest of all his God-fearing honorable friends. Such was the aura surrounding him.

Now, Kulal had a special friend called Nun-vi. They were great buddies, just like Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota hai. Actually the film Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was loosely based on Kulal's real life. We will let you know who the real life counter-part of Rani Mukherjee's character is. Kulal and Nun-vi always hung out together, traveled in the same bus, sang duets at Maitri and hopped around trees like Kangaroos in the world famous Diamond Gardens at Chembur.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTER RANI MUKHERJEE

After around an year of college-life, entered a girl called Tanan. Such was her charisma that Kulal and all his male friends were spellbound and left drooling. But she had her own priorities, which certainly did not include Kulal's male friends. Kulal fell for her big time. She cast a hypnotic magical trance on Kulal. Such was her effect that Kulal got a haircut for the first time in his entire life. This act of his disappointed Nun-vi and left Nun-ki a happy person. Now she had the longest hair in the class.

Nun-vi packed off her bags and went away sulking to a far-away land. This had absolutely no effect on Kulal since he was already in a vicious spell. To impress / "shine" he tried showing off his talent which was his vocabulary skills. When this didn't work, Kulal added another feather to his already illustrious career and tried to master the "Gujju" slang. His efforts showed "shining" results, though not much. Now Kulal started to cum to college by a different mode of transport --> a bIndica and also bought a mobile phone(PCO) which he used in great effect for "shining". He soon realized that she had a great dislike for profanities. So he had to part away with his vocabulary, which was a very stressful period in his life. For his vocabulary was the only arsenal in his armory till he got a car and a phone. However this did not make much of an effect. Kulal still hasn't given up "shining".

However, his friends have realized the inevitable and they tried to convince him but he abused them and stopped giving free rides in his car to friends who tried to help him including "Bhow-rabh". But he has good friends. They still love him, his car and his phone in spite of having to suffer from his vocabulary. Now that he has got an admission in "Virgin-ia Tech", his priorities have changed. All the "Kovalis" in Virginia beware, Kulal's cumming to you with a vengeance and his tongue (via his vocab).

Kulal should realize that only 7 days of college are left and you should give a free ride to every soul in college especially the ones that live in Powai and Ghatkopar. We thank you Kulal for having improved our vocabulary. You have made a difference. It's been a pleasure and a learning experience listening to all your talks. I hope you grant us all a PHD in "gaali-logy". May you educate thousands of our countrymen / countrywomen and also our friends in the United States of America

- Edited and Compiled by Sourabh / Ketan

Tale of a Casanova

2006-02-21T11:22:00.000-08:00

Guys, Gals And Monty,

After the sizzling stories of the b(l)onded slave and the class betrayer, may I present to you the tale of the self proclaimed Casanova. Dictionary Definition.

Webster.

Casanova \. ka-ze-'no-ve, n lover : esp : a man who's a promiscous and unscrupulous lover.

World Book.

Casanova \.kaz'e-no*ve, n a man noted as a lover; lady's man. * Giovanni Jaconna Casanova 1725-1798, an Italian Adventurer famous for his romantic conquests

I'm providing the definition of a Casanova by these 2 very highly regarded and respected dictionaries. This definitions will be used later to highlight the irony behind the Tail of the Casanova. Again here, we strive to protect the identity of the so called modern day Casnova. Let us just call him Mister Paad.

Once upon a time lived a little boy called Mister Paad. A mystic, angelic smile adorned his cherubic face emanating an aura of childish innocence. People who didn't know Mister Paad too well, would take one look at his face and say that this child could do no wrong. They would say he was as Perfect as they came. An ideal boy they proclaimed.

But his friends knew better. Behind his mask of innocence lay a Sinister evil. His angelic smile was a forbearer of a curse, of epic proportions. The smile indicated Mister Paad was ready for one of his notorious PJ's. PJ for the uninitiated means A Poor Joke. Mister Paad's jokes were not poor, they were cruel, they were probably the worst pain that you could inflict on a living soul since the Roman Torture Chambers. It made poor God-fearing citizens run helter-shelter for cover. Other would start screaming and pulling out their hair. And some other would even start tearing out their clothes in sheer frustation. Such was the effect of his jokes. But Mister Paad had good friends, they suffered all those inflictions without even a mumble. Only on occasions when Mister Paad crossed the limit of even his own abysmal standards, he would incur the wrath of his good friends. This wrath, however was limited to open threats. But Mister Paad never learnt from his mistakes and went on and on torturing everyone especially his good friends.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : THE BIRTH OF A CASANOVA

Now Mister Paad thought highly of his humour. He had a false sense of belief that he made people laugh. Little did he realise that people laughed at him and not his jokes. In this delusionary state of mind, Mister Paad believed that all the girls were impressed with his style of humour. And he started cracking more and more jokes when surrounded by the fairer sex. His sense of humour could be compared to a bottomless pit out of which there is no escape. He failed to realise that the girls who had to bear the brunt of his jokes were dying to escape. But even the girls being good friends and polite human beings made a great show of laughing to his senseless humour. Mister Paad started getting more and more confident. Following the example of Mr. Wobin, he started to explore new horizons. He hung around the BE-4 girls boring them to death. Poor Noni had to bear with him for 2 hours everyay travelling by 352. His other fellow travelers shifted to new modes of transport. Kulal started to cum to college by car wasting precious petrol. Mr Bheja-puri in fact stopped cumming to college and joined TCS as a full time slave. Mister Paad then started to hang around with the TE-1 girls namely Bhaloo (Bhal-guni) and Fur-aana. Both of them have since then stopped cumming down to the canteen, a place where they used to cum daily and a place where Mister Paad hangs out daily as well.

However Mister Paad's confidence grew to new levels. He proclaimed himself the New Casanova. The Czar of all Ladies Men. He started chasing skirts and would try to "shine" for hours together. He would spare no one, juniors and seniors alike had to run for their lives. Mister Paad had cum into his own. But what Mister Paad does not realise is that A Casanova is a Lady's man not a Lady Chaser. Ladies get attracted to a Casanova, not the other way around. What Mister Paad is, is a Despo or a Shiner, both terms used by BE-3.

Despo /. day-spo*, n , a man / woman desperate for the opposite sex and would stop at no limits to get one.

Shiner /. shaay-na'r , n, a man / woman who tries to impress / woo the opposite sex for long durations of time ignoring friends of the same sex.

What I want Mister Paad to realise is that his friends (both boys, girls and Bullu) have suffered a lot from both his "despo" giri and jokes. They are his good friends and have tolerated his antics for a long time. It's time he stop calling himself a Casanova. At least for the last 7 days in college, he should stop tormenting his true friends with his "bakwaas" jokes. Hoping this story will improve Mister Paad.

compiled and edited by sourabh and ketan

Tale of a Betrayal

2006-02-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I present to you the sensational story of a college guy who betrayed his friends and sold himself to his foes. For reasons best left unknown, I rather not reveal his true identity. However let us call the protagonist of this story, Wobin (or even Woobs).

Once upon a time lived a sweet boy called Wobin. An angelic smile adorned his face and had a heart of gold. His passion and loyalty for his friends and country was legendary. This was a person who would gladly lay down his life for his friends. Sacrifice was his second nature. Wobin had his origins in a small village in a southern state in India, a land famous for it's lagoons, a land blessed with great beauty. Wobin spent his entire schooling life in a strange foreign land, a place where Oil Sheikhs and Mumbai Dons lived as neighbours and even beggers went about their job in a Rolls Royce. So far he was an NRI a Non Resident Indian. NowWobin decided to cum to India to complete his undergrad studies. He joined a college in Chembur called the Sar and Anger College and in the class BE-3.

Note: The name of the college has been changed to provide protection to Mr.Wobin.

Wobin had a golden heart. Genial and kind, he had a very easy going friendly nature. Generosity was his forte. He allowed his good friends unlimited and unconditional use of his ownings even his maid Maar-Amma. His door was always open to his homeless friends like Bishu and so was his heart. There was place for everyone. His computer stored all the fetishes and desires of his desperate friends like Tintin. His fridge was full to the brim with goodies for his ever-starving friends like Langur. He never said"no". Such was his nature. He provided thirsty neighbourhood travellers like Ponty with glasses full of Tang. Tang was the favorite drink of many of his friends. He even arranged a terrace party where he invited all his friends, even those of the fairer sex for fun and frolic though at their expense.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST

Being so helpful, he was always worshipped by friends and foes alike. His friends respected him and held him in hight esteem. Girls had brotherly feelings for him. (Though with one notable exception namely a female called Jarry Hall) Note: The names of all of Wobin's friends, his maid and the exceptional female have been changed to protect both their identity as well as that of Mr. Wobin.

Suddenly during the course of the 3rd year, Wobby befriended some girls from a rival class. A class called BE-4. He was allured by them and fell under their magical spell. He started walking around in a hypnotic trance. Now the relations between Be-3 and BE-4 were like India - Pakistan. BE-4 was filled with chors and dakus. But people thought that Wobin being of such a wonderful nature was just trying to extend a hand of friendship and was trying to change their meandering ways. However it was not so. A sinister force had taken over Wobin's mind. He had sold his soul to the Pakistanis. He started hanging out with the Pakistanis and snubbed his old loyal friends. He not only ignored them but cheated them by creating scandals like the T-shirt scandal and the Kheema Samosa scandal to put BE-3's morale down. He deliberately threw (lost) his carrom games playing for BE-3 and rarely turned up on the Sports ground to cheer for his home team. He had not only forgotten his friends but had sold everything including his patriotism to their bitter rivals. This was a case of deceit and betrayal of the worst kind.

His friends were shattered and broken hearted. They had trusted him so much but he had let them down. He turned out to be an NRI (Non Reliable Indian). But his friends still love him. May God give such good friends to every Wobin out there in the world. However to add injury to insult and later rubbing salt over that injury he lied to his friends. Not once, not twice but a million times especially to his true friend Kulal who let him a free ride home everyday. Even when he knew the true identity of Jaya Bhaduri he acted as if he didn't know. On one more occasion he refused to divulge the name of his neighbourhood sweetheart to his friends who used to have no qualms about telling him their secrets. This lie still rattles his faithful friends who haven't yet stopped believing in him. They still think he can change to his old former self.

He was a wolf in sheep's clothing wearing a white coat. But he is black in every sense (especially his heart). Even then he has good friends. They still trust him and hope he will change back to his good ways. This ends the Tale Of Betrayal. If not anything let us hope that at least this post changes him. This is all we have to Say.

- compiled and edited by sourabh and ketan