Mental Mommy

Blog Until You're Not Mad Any More!

2009-12-04T21:18:29-05:00

I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people. As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it... It's purging and then I can not be angry any more... Which is always good, right?

So why am I more irritated now than when I started? Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad? In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing... But then, it's not. Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about. That takes too much energy, for one. For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse. Who needs that? Not this chick, that's for damn sure...

I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be. I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair. Still...

So here I am, stewing away... I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above... I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry. How dumb is that?!

In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked. I am mad, but it's forced. I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off... LAY-MUH.

So what purpose does your blog serve?

Evaluation

2009-12-03T15:00:21-05:00

The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement. I hate that. *laugh* I think it's trite. I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round. Having said that, right now I am stopping hard - like both feet on the brakes hard. I am having a hard time with just about every little thing. I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night. So for one, why are these things plaguing me so? For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go? So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

1. Why do I keep getting upset when people behave in ways I wouldn't? While their behavior may or may not effect me, in the end, the consequences, positive or negative, are theirs. Why do I care? I'm not typically the type to give a lick about what other people do so long as they aren't hurting anyone... Now, in all fairness, some of the behaviors that have upset me most recently ARE going to hurt people - both the people exhibiting the behaviors, as well as others who are going to be caught off guard by the consequences. Even in those instances, there isn't really anything I can do about it. Worrying is not prodcutive, and I know that, so why can't I just let it go? Why can't I just wait for things to come full circle and prepare myself for any possible ripples of effect that may reach my own shores? Why is that so hard for me right now?

2. My midwifery journey is at a stall. Normally, when I find something new and shiny to focus on, I am like a child with a new puppy. The first week, I take care of every little detail with zeal and complete and utter devotion. Other the next 2-3 weeks, it peters out and I lose all interest, or keep at it, but without the 100% enthusiasm, etc. I just sort of plug away to get it done and get it done well so I won't have to do it again. I knew this was different because it is super important to me, and always will be. This is my livelihood. This is my dream career. When I finally decided to persue my CPM licensure, I also knew it would be a long, arduous road. I didn't expect to be apprenticing in a week, or ready to take my boards in 2 years. I did however, expect to be able to start. I expected to be able to enroll in an educational path that would help keep me focus, keep me from trying to lunge ahead, or skip over things I may not think about or think are important. Instead, every attempt I made to begin my journey has been stone walled. Where I would typically see that as a sign to slow down, or try another route, this time it feels like I am just being... bullied? picked on? I don't get the feeling that these obstacles are being thrown up to encourage me to find a path less often tread, or to encourage me to devote more time to my little ones. I just get pissed. Then I cry. Then I try to find a less common avenue that I may have overlooked, or try talking to more people to see how they did it... And then I get pissed again... And cry again. What gives? My heart tells me this is where I am meant to be. I have the most supportive husband I think any woman in my field could ever hope to find, my children will never know any different, and I am surrounded by strong professionals and friends who encourage me... What is the karmic/cosmic hold-up?

3. $$$ That's all I have to say about that.

4. I am taking a sabbatical from doula work. That breaks my heart. I have clients lined up from now until mid-April, but I believe from that point on, I will take the Summer off and resume when Mega Man starts school again. I have had too many high-stress cases lately, and too many situations with fellow doulas that leave me feeling uncomfortable. I think part of this is part of #1; I am taking too many things personally and holding people to a standard that isn't fair because it's MY standard, and not their own. That isn't fair, and I realize that I can't get hurt about every little thing. The high stress clients don't bother me as much. It's part of the job, and because you never know when a baby will come, I don't take more than 2 clients per month anyway. I at least get a break. With the other doulas, though, I see them and work with them all the time. There is no escape! So, in order to continue to love my job, provide the best possible service to clients, and not lose my mind, I believe a sabbatical is necessary.

5. Sometimes I think my love for my kids may just eat me alive. Seriously. I look at them and think about what I would do if someone or something were to hurt them and it just about tears me apart. I think about what I would do if I lost them, and the thought alone is almost enough to make me go instantly crazy. I just love them that much, but have such trouble finding ways to show them. I hope it is clear. I hope they never doubt. They can hate me for the ways I try to express it, but I hope to The Force they at least know that when I show up at their school play with the video camera and the fan poster, it's only because this chick, this chick right here loves them more than anything else!

Do I sounds completely crazy? I guess I just feel like life is thumping me over the head, screaming at me to examine my priorities and my life in general and make some adjustments. It's not that I am ignoring it, but it's like a "cant' see the forest for the trees" sort of thing. I hear the voice, but it just feels like I should be screaming back, "I am trying, asshole!"

So yeah...

I am not looking forward to the first potential client I have to turn away.

*sigh*

Words Fail

2009-11-30T23:23:30-05:00

LRRH had her baby this weekend. At 6:00 PM on Sunday, she welcomed her son, who has yet to be named, into the world. He came complete with 10 fingers and 10 toes, a headful of jet black, curly hair, and chubby little cheeks. It was absolutely amazing.

Words fail to express all that I saw and felt during her birth, but this will have to suffice. If I don't get it out, I may very well explode. If I could take out a billboard for the entire world to see, I would. I want the entire world to see what an amazing woman my best friend truly is. She is astounding. I love her and her son more than words can ever say.

Birth is my business. I see women give birth, on average, twice a month. I am there from the time things get serious, until the babe is safely in mom's arms and mom and dad are ready to have some quiet time with thier new baby. I get to be a part of the day families expand and welcome a new member. I get to witness dads tear up when they meet their first child. I get to see mothers' hearts expand to new dimensions, even as they wonder how they will love another child as much, and watch their eyes light up and brim over with tears at that first little squawk. It never fails to take my breath away. It never fails to amaze me.

Her birth was different. It was different because I already loved her. I already loved her little boy. It was different because there is typically a learning curve concerning what works and what doesn't, figuring out how the mother communicates her needs and how best to communicate in reponse, working with the partner at their comfort level, and so on. I already knew how she worked, and how to work with her. I already knew I wanted to protect her and nurture her as she welcomed her baby into the world.

Her birth was different because, where I am always pulling for my client, I can seperate myself from them emotionally and remain objective. While I care about their birth, there is a degree of professional seperation that keeps me from displaying emotion - in other words, it keeps me from getting the client and her support team even more agitated by my reaction. I couldn't do that with her. When she cried, it took every ounce of my strength not to cry with her. When unforeseen circumstances arose, it took every ounce of my strength not to fall apart and cry with and for her.

I am always amazed by the strength of women and their supporters. Regardless of birth path or plan, every mother I have ever worked with had strengths that made her unique. I have never regretted attending a birth, nor left a birth feeling as though my time was wasted. I have learned or been reminded of something at every birth I have attended. In all sincerity, I never cease to be amazed and educated.

My best friend is amazing. Not only did she stand up for the things she wanted in a facility that does not often see, let alone know how to support, unmedicated child birth, but she inspired the nurses to learn more about the options she was seeking. She surrendered to her primal self and allowed her wonderfully efficient body to work as it was designed to do. She tuned in to her self and tuned out every thing that wasn't actively helping her progrss. When her hips said "MAKE ROOM!" she squatted, she rocked, she swayed. When her body said, "rest..." she became still and lightly dozed between contractions. Often the greatest challenge is surrender and she did that was such grace...

My best friend is absolutely, without a doubt, amazing. While I remember every birth I have seen thus far, hers will stand out in my mind, not only because of our previously existing relationship, but because of her incredible strength, willingness to advocate for what she wanted and felt was right, and her endless determination. I will always remember the day my best friend fought to have her son enter the world with as much peace and love as she could give him. I love that woman. I love that baby. I am humbled and reminded how truly amazing and miraculous my job is; I am reminded that I am blessed beyond belief to be a small part of so many great things. Thank you, LRRH. Congratulations, mama!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, indeed

2009-11-26T23:09:06-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I realize I am posting a little late in the day, but yours truly was cookin' most of the day, and stuffin' my face the rest of the time! I actually did very well. I did not over eat, tempting though it was. I figure there was no sense in throwing away a few weeks of hard work - portion control is a bitch, but it has me back under 150, so I will stick to it. :-)

Anyway, I have to do the obligatory, "What are you thankful for?" post, right? Right. I have the usual things to be thankful for of course: my health, family and friends, yadda yadda yadda... But what I am most thankful for this year is the ability to look around and find plenty of things to be thankful for while temporarily suspending all desire to point out the things I do not have. I'm not going to lie and say I don't notice that we still haven't replaced our roof, or that it's a breeze to be a single car family, or even that it's not a pain in the ass trying to re-vamp the budget yet again because our utility rates increased. Of course I notice those things, and they make me uncomfortable, and sometimes, unhappy. But you I find that while it is important to note those things so that I can work on them, or accept them, or whatever needs to be done, it's even more important not to dwell on them. How can anyone ever be happy if they occupy themselves with all the things they don't have? It's so much easier and so much nicer to absorb all that you DO have and appreciate it for what it is. I spent most of the day just taking in my kids and my husband. That was pretty damn cool. I got lots of love from T-Rex, saw some serious maturity in Mega Man, and so much more...

I have several friends upon whom I wish I could bestow this "thing" I have discovered. They seem hell-bent on focusing only on what falls short of their wishes and desires, and what they don't have that they are missing out on so many neat things in their lives. I imagine it brings a lot of undue frustration... I mean, I stress more than enough, but there comes a point when you just have to let it go... And I think that if you don't appreciate what you have, you're missing out even more. If you can't see what is before you for what it's worth, what is the point in having it? What good is the love of a child if you don't cherish it? What good is an hour or two with a friend if you're texting someone else the entire time? What good is a hot, home cooked meal if you gobble it down so fast you don't taste it, and skimp on conversation with the family sitting at the table with you?

It's been a long time coming, but I think I finally got it. I am thankful for it all... even what I don't have. :-)

...

2009-11-15T23:24:48-05:00

Normally when I feel this way, I post to my private blog. It's just not the sort of thing I post publically because it feels... cheap. I guess I am throwing it out there because, well, keeping it to myself hasn't done me any good, so I assume putting it out there can't hurt much, either.

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts. I catch myself saying something she would say and I damn near burst into tears. But, as always, I don't. I just dummy up. Or shut down. It's funny. I know DH has asked me things about her or that would turn the conversation towards her... And I know I swore my babies would know her through me, but I have failed because I can't bring myself to talk about her. We turn those pages too quickly in the photo albums. Whenever we start to get too near the subject in conversation, the last thing I recall saying is, "I don't want to talk about this any more," and then it's like someone else steps in and covers for me for a minute while I collect myself somewhere else. When I rejoin the situation, there are several minutes missing and it's like I was in a fog... Like I just dropped in out of nowhere. I don't think that's normal, but I must admit that I am not exactly in a hurry to do anything about it, either. I'm not lying when I say I don't want to talk about it... I don't. I can't have a conversation about her without facing the fact that she isn't here... And won't ever be here. The past tense is a bitch. If there were some way around it... I might be able to talk about her... But that past tense is a wicked, wicked thing...

I wish to The Force she were here. I can't think of anything short of my children that I wouldn't give up to have her here... I look at Dizzy Girl and I just ache. Physically. I ache. I think about how much she looks like me and what she would think of her hair and her smile. I think about how she would adore her toothless grin and her chubby little cheeks and her pink outfits and her bows and frills... I think about how she won't be there for tea parties and doll houses or dance recitals.... And I think about what she will never see with the boys and how much she loved on Mega Man when we were out in California... I just ache when I think of all the things the children are missing because of that void...

It's like a black hole for me, really. It has gravity. It pulls me in all the time, but pulls in pieces of other stuff, too. We had Mega's 5th birthday party this weekend and before I could stop myself, I pulled out my phone and started to dial so she could sing to him. Christ on crutches, I tried to call her. I can't remember my own damn phone number half the time, but without thinking, I started to dial a number I've not called in almost 4 fucking years. How do I do that? How do I just block it out like that and access it without even thinking? How for fuck's sake do I do that? I don't even think I want to know... And I don't care to change that, either. I just sort of trembled and closed my phone. I lost a few more minutes, but BFD... I was back in my party room with 18 energetic children and no one noticed...

So I skip some beats... So what? I could be losing my mind, right? I mean, I could just forget. In this case, I don't really see an issue with my method of holding white-knuckle tight to every little thing I can get my fragile little mind to recall. Where is the harm in that? Sure, I can sometimes see an overlap and again, I lose afew minutes before I can get the memory out of real life... It's like watching a movie, but instead of just the current scene, I can see a scene previous, too. Where you should see children running in a park being watched by me, their mother, I see me running in Schiller Park being watched by her... BFD. No harm, no foul. In some instance, I can't control it. It starts and stops of its own accord and I drink it all in... Because after that, I don't know if I can recall it again or if I will even remember what I saw when it is over. It's like a flashback, but better. Sometimes I can even smell things... Like pudding. Does anyone else remember cooking pudding on the stove? To this day, I still prefer hot pudding to cold or room temp... Pudding cups suck. Gimme the real deal.

So I miss her. And today it was so bad that I kept seeing her everywhere. Everywhere. It hurt. A lot. I hate that. I hate that hurt and I hate that ache. I fucking hate it. I hate that I feel it at all. I hate that she's not here. I fucking hate it. Why can't I have her back? Better yet: why did she have to go at all? Seriously, of all people, The Force couldn't have picked someone, anyone different? WTF...

FUCK.

I need a mental health day!

2009-11-06T11:33:13-05:00

Along with being seriously under-valued, under-paid, under-appreciated, and sleep deprived, one thing the career of motherhood lacks is mental health days. I desperately need time with myself and myself alone to evaluate, prioritize, and tackle.

Bills. One of our credit cards is jumping to 29.99% in response to Obama's fair credit laws. We are not maxxed out, have never made a late or partial payment, and yet, if we keep this card, we will be paying 30% interest. Guess which card will no longer have a place in our wallets? That leaves us a single credit card that is just below its limit. It has a phenomenal rate, though... we have a hole in our wall with water damage lurking behind it. It's going to take a couple hundred dollars for the repair and making the room look decent. If we went to just repair the damage and leave bare wood, no drywall, or paint, obviously it would be less expensive... we still have one car... none of my midwifery schools accept federal funds, so we're looking at personal loans or putting off my education... shall I continue?
Temptation. I continue to be offered awesome opportunites that I think would enrich my midwifery and doulas qualities. They are being dangled in front of me like cake and while I want to seize them all, obviously that would be unwise and over-taxing. So which do I take and which do I leave?
Food. I hate being gluten free around the holidays. No stuffing, modified pies, no green bean casserole... LAME.
Children. T-Rex just doesn't listen. Period. I think I feel the urge to throttle him at least once every other day... Kili is having a hard time sleeping and the only way I can get any rest is to have her in the bed. DH hates co-sleeping and keeps trying to sleep on the couch which really pisses me off. Mega Dukes is great, but getting him to and from school every day is irritating some days.
Family. I'll just say one thing: When people have a common goal, why is it so hard to see / understand / accept that your way of getting there and mine might be totally different?

*sigh* Seriously...

While I'm Falling

2009-11-05T11:35:00-05:00

An entertaining diversion, October 27, 2009

By	Mental Mommy "Mental Mommy" (Portsmouth, VA United States) - See all my reviews

Customer review from the Amazon Vine™ Program (What's this?)

I read this in bits and pieces while house-sitting. I think if I had been able to sit and read it all at once, I may have enjoyed it more. I flip-flopped between 3 and 4 stars and decided on 4 only because I hate to give low reviews unless I really, really don't like something.

The book was a bit predictable for me. I enjoyed it well enough, but nothing that happened really surprised me. If it did, it wasn't a huge surprise, just a minor kink in the story line I'd already played out in my head. The main character, Veronica, at first seemed whiny and peevish to me. I found her hard to sympathize with initially because she seemed childish. As the story progressed, I did come to like her more and even feel sympathetic towards her. As things begin to deteriorate with her mother, Natalie, I feel for her even more. I enjoy role-reversals, even when they are predictable. As soon as things really start to shift from Natalie as the mother to Natalie as a child, or someone in need of mothering, I sort of warmed up to the book a bit more.

Overall, and without spoiling anything, if you're looking for a good weekend getaway read or a book to put at your bedside, this will do the trick nicely. If you're looking for something more in-depth or classic, this will leave you wanting. I always find popular fiction troublesome for that reason, as well - I always leave feeling like there should be more. If you're looking for something profound like Plath or Chopin, this isn't it. If you're looking for something entertaining like Picoult, you'll be pleased with "While I'm Falling."

100 Days of Gratitude

2009-10-27T09:41:06-04:00

I wanted to make sure that on my 100th day of gratitude, I really got it. I didn't want to record appreciation for something flippant or fleeting. As I was thinking about what I am most grateful for, it seemed very obvious. Today I am grateful for never having to think too long or too hard about thing to be grateful for. I have more than enough "things" in my life. While we may be less inconvenienced if we owned another car, we have a reliable vehicle. While we may need to replace our roof, for now, we are dry and happy with our current roof. We may not have an iPhone or a laptop, but we've more than enough toys and gadgets to keep us busy. We have more than our fair share of friends and family members who are always there to help. We've been beyond fortunate in the people that have been brought into our lives, and even in the people who have left our lives... Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong and fulfilling. Both my husband and myself are pursuing careers we chose not out of necessity but out of true desire. Much as I might complain, I have a damn good life. There is almost always room for improvement, but for the moment, I am stepping back and basking in the glow of the divinity of my life... problems and all. I am grateful for the bounty that is my life. I am grateful for every little thing that's been given to me... for better or worse.

Winding Roads

2009-10-13T16:55:10-04:00

I am researching my path... MEAC schools aren't exactly prevalent, and none of them are local. Not all of them offer distance learning, and the one that I thought I liked requires you to be there more often than is feesible for me. I admit... I am a bit overwhelmed and discouraged. It took me 30 minutes just to figure out what I needed to have already done before I could apply to one school. In my defense, it listed the prerequisites in another place... Whatever. Anyway, I am still excited, but now I feel like I have nothing to funnel all my energy into and it's just wasting away. My kids are looking at me like I am insane. We've been painting and stamping and drawing and we drew with chalk outside, and even Kili Bug is a bit overwhelmed by my energy. It's just... blah.

I know I can do the work, I just have to find my school and get all my paperwork together. I suck at stuff like this. I get mired down in details and forget that the bigger picture ROCKS and that I will, indeed, get there. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim!

Day 99: I am grateful for mental clarity and the willingness and ability to see and embrace the challenge before me!

Legends of the Fall

2009-10-11T08:50:00-04:00

Legends of the Fall by Jim Harrison

My rating: 3 of 5 stars This is another one of those books that I made the mistake of seeing the movie first. Again, didn't know the book existed. However, I think if I had read the book first, I never would have bothered with the movie. The book is actually a novella. I picked it up as part of a collection of 3 of Jim Harrison's works. After reading this and another Jim Harrison piece, I conclude that I am simply not a fan of Harrison's writing style. I thought that Legends could have appealed to me, but it was written in such a dull manner that I found myself trudging through it. I do not like to trudge through anything I read! The best part of the story was actually the physical descriptions that were given about the land. My husband I and read this together and we both thought it was impressive and beautiful. It seems such a shame to waste such wonderful description on the scenery when the characters and their relationships, particularly to Tristan and Tristan's growth throughout the story, are the primary focus. The movie really took this small piece and ran with it! I will take the movie over the book any day! Besides, with all those pretty faces, who wouldn't mind a little visual stimulation? ;-) View all my reviews >>