The Cocknose

The Cocknose Review #5: A week in idiots

2010-02-18T03:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've not done one of these in a while but we are back and I thinks its time I got back into dissing the idiots of the world: its a good release for me. So onward and upward.

Idiot Footballers

Now I never stepped in on the John Terry thing but I do think he's a bit of a cock that gets paid FAR too much. However, this brief rant is for the uber idiot Ashley Cole. WTF are you on man? You have an absolutely irresistibly gorgeous wife and your messing about sexting. Plus you get paid gazillions an hour to do something you clearly love. And now, according to an article posted on the First Post early this morning, Cheryl is now seeking a divorce according to her friends. Bad luck Ashley, but also congrats. You are in the running for the first Cocknose of 2010.

Magicians not performing magic tricks

According to an article over on Metro.co.uk, Latvian 'magician', Gennady Palychevsky, spent 64 hours and 32 minutes in a 6'x6' ice cube (beating David Blaines 63 hours, ten years ago), only to be rushed to hospital after he emerged. Well I wonder why that is? Maybe the fact that you were surrounded by freezing cold ice for nearly three days with no food and water. This is not magic, the art of illusion. This is idiocy! This is what thefreedictionary.com defines as magic.

mag·ic (mjk)

n.

1. The art that purports to control or forecast natural events, effects, or forces by invoking the supernatural.

2.

a. The practice of using charms, spells, or rituals to attempt to produce supernatural effects or control events in nature.

b. The charms, spells, and rituals so used.

3. The exercise of sleight of hand or conjuring for entertainment.

4. A mysterious quality of enchantment: "For me the names of those men breathed the magic of the past"(Max Beerbohm).

adj.

1. Of, relating to, or invoking the supernatural: "stubborn unlaid ghost/That breaks his magic chains at curfew time" (John Milton).

2. Possessing distinctive qualities that produce unaccountable or baffling effects.

tr.v. mag·icked, mag·ick·ing, mag·ics

To produce or make by or as if by magic.

Note at no point does it mention glass boxes suspended above crowds via a crane nor encasing yourself in ice for 3 days.

Palychevsky's wife had this to say after the ordeal:

'The last night was the most difficult. Each hour we thought would be the last in the ice and at five in the morning we began panicking.

'He wasn't in good shape when he left the ice, he was very bad, but he's much better now,' she added on Sunday.

Yeah no shit he wasn't in good shape!

Charging hard drugs to your credit card

A man in Flint, Michigan reported an armed robbery to the local fuzz after he went to get his fix and tried to charge it to his credit card. It appears at this stage, the dealer pulled out his gun and the man was robbed of his possessions, including a 2003 Chevy Malibu which he stole himself from nearby Lapeer. He then reported the mugging incident to the local police, they looked into it and found (wait for it now) that the complainant was also the suspect listed for the original theft of the Chevy Malibu. He was then lodged in the Genesee County Jail. Unlucky sir!

Bright Spark

Finally for this edition and direct from the ever insightful Darwin Awards. Brazillian Municipal guard Arthur de Souza, 47, gave himself the shock of his life. According to police reports, he had installed a tiny electric fence around his car to protect against the frequent robberies that occur in his neighborhood in Belem, Para. Then (direct translation from Portuguese) "he forgot that he had left the fence on and he finished dying with the electric shock." Ouch!

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Cocknose #7: Stoopid Shoplifters

2009-12-07T04:54:00.000-08:00

Afternoon all. Dead simple this week: 51 year old Becky Altena, has been accused of shop lifting, after trying to steel $2200 (418 items in total) worth of goods from the Lewis store in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Nothing too unusual there then. In fact an average day for a large department type store. Well, no. Basically instead of pretending she had a bun in the oven and shoving them up her jumper or pretending she'd had a child and slipping them into the pram, she plain as day, filled up her bag and walked out of the store without paying. An employee noticed her suspicious behaviour, confronted her and then called police. Her bond has been set at $5000. Now seriously, that kinda behaviour takes some balls. In fact I reckon it takes a Cocknose. Which is good, because Becky you are officially Cocknose #7. Wear your new title well, it is yours to keep, forever!

(Original Story via ksfy.com)

Cocknose #6: Over blown 'stars'

2009-11-30T04:24:00.000-08:00

So this weeks Cocknose of the Week goes not only to the 'star' involved in the incident below but to all those like him as well; The people who get one sniff of celebrity and think they are Bono thinking he's God. Anyhoozle, on with the post.

According to an article in that bastion of Murdochs quality news reporting, The Sun, Harry Potter 'star', Josh Herdman, was kicked out of a hotel in Copenhagen after a drunken sex romp with a mystery blond. I hear you, who the fuck is Josh Herdman?? Well, he plays that oh so memorable of characters in the Harry Potter movies, Gregory Goyle. Who? Well you know the overly blond bully type character, Malfoy? One of his sidekicks.. You see my point? He's not even that famous!

Herdman (22) had gotten drunk on the flight to the Danish capital, where he was due to make an appearance at the Collectormania event to be held in the city. Arriving at the venue pissed out of his tiny, he immediately started to abuse his fans with a tirade of obscenities.

"Herdman was an utter disgrace. He was out of his skull when he arrived and his behavior got worse. Lots of kids came to see him. He was meant to meet them with a smile and sign autographs. But they were greeted by a scowling, offensive, foul-mouthed drunk."

Organisers cut short his performance and smuggled him out of the venue for his own safety. He continued bingeing on beer and sambuca and made his way back to the hotel.

"He came into reception and started screaming abuse at Collectormania's organizers. At one point he screamed, 'I am a regular cast member in the biggest movie franchise in cinema history and you will not speak to me like that!' He kept kicking off in the hotel all evening.

"Staff tried to get him to check out but he started crying for an ambulance, saying he was going to die. He finally collapsed in the toilet with his trousers round his ankles. When staff tried to get him to move he started screaming and bolted into the cafe next door. Police and an ambulance were called because he was clearly out of control."

Brilliant Josh, thats some damn fine work. Especially the "regular cast member" bit. Does that role involve you passing out in the bog with your trousers round your ankles?? COCKNOSE #6 is now yours!

The Cocknose Review #4: A week in Idiots

2009-11-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

Afternoon all, and welcome to this weeks review. First off can I say I am way impressed by the reaction to Sundays CotW: It is a valid cause and one that we must keep fighting. Keep up the good work peeps, take a visit to openrightsgroup.org and put their support badge on your blog. Tell all your friends, do whatever you can. Remember this is not just about illegally downloading files, this is an infringement on our liberties.

Anyhoozle, on with the review;

Burglar shows humanity whilst on the job

In a story from SFGate.com, an 18 year old burglar in Indianapolis showed an unexpected amount of compassion for his fellow humans. As he and his accomplice were ransacking their target abode, the baby of the house started crying. Instead of carrying on with their ransacking one of the burglars stopped, warmed up a bottle in the microwave and started to feed the baby. He was arrested by police at Arlington High School on the Monday after.
(Original story from SFGate.com)

Dixon rejected from nightclub

Do you know who I am? No?? WTF?? Yup thats right folks, the non megastar, famous for being in a crappy girl group, Alesha Dixon and her entourage were rejected from Mayfairs Funky Buddha club. Bouncers told her and her cronies that there was no room left in the club when they turned up on the doorstep. Eye witnesses say that 31 year old Dixon went wild at this. When she finally conceded the battle, she left the bouncers with this parting shot:
(Original story via Metro.co.uk)

Alesha Dixon keeping it classy...

Save the clocktower (so we can shag on it in public)

Having spent 7 years in Australia I can confirm that they are not backward in coming forward as a nation, but this really takes the Anzac biscuit. A couple were spotted doing the wild monkey swing on a clocktower in Sydney. As the hands on the clock show, this happened mid afternoon and not as you might expect under the cover of darkness. A crowd soon gathered and people started to stop and look up at the couples actions. So far they remain unknown but newspapers in Aus have encouraged them to come forward. I don't know whether to proclaim their cheeky brilliance or tell 'em to get a damn room!
(original story from metro.co.uk)

Benefit fraudster appears on US home improvement show

Finally for this week, 56 year old Ronald Hunt of Los Angeles has been handed 200 hours of community service and ordered to pay $180,000 dollars in restitution, unpaid taxes and fines. His crime? Falsely claiming he was disabled for three years and claiming $150,000 in benefits while earning $400,000 in his work as an interior designer. An eagle eyed employee of the insurance company that pays his benefits saw Hunt during his rather able-bodied appearance on a home improvement show and reported him to the state Department of Insurance.
(Original story via SFGate.com)

As usual keep the stories coming and we shall see you Sunday for the Cocknose of the Week. Ooooo and #FridayDrinks this week tweeps, should be a goodie, its the Christmas do...

Cocknose #5: Mandy Pandy

2009-11-23T02:48:00.000-08:00

Is that your cocknose you're hiding Mr Mandelson?

Ok, so in case you've had your head stuck in a bucket filled with wet concrete over the past week, you must have heard about the British governments ridiculous plans for its rather out of touch Digital Rights Bill. Essentially this will mean, amongst other things, that (without proof, evidence or trial) your whole families internet connection could be cut off if one person is 'caught' downloading copyrighted material. £50,000 fines for anyone involved. ISP's will be bound by law to spy on their customers use of the internet.

It only gets worse too. In an article released by Cory Doctorow on BoingBoing.net on Thursday, he outlines Peter Mandelsons plans to set up private militias who would have powers to kick you off the internet, spy on your use of the network and block select websites. Mandy will also have the power to invent any penalty for any 'crime' he finds you guilty of. And here's what's NOT included in the bill:

What isn't in there? Anything about stimulating the actual digital economy. Nothing about ensuring that broadband is cheap, fast and neutral. Nothing about getting Britain's poorest connected to the net. Nothing about ensuring that copyright rules get out of the way of entrepreneurship and the freedom to create new things. Nothing to ensure that schoolkids get the best tools in the world to create with, and can freely use the publicly funded media -- BBC, Channel 4, BFI, Arts Council grantees -- to make new media and so grow up to turn Britain into a powerhouse of tech-savvy creators.

Mandy is also looking at cyber lockers such as yousendit.com. Services that are used legitmately by podcasters, graphic designers, musicians, film makers and general creative types all around the world to send their own content. He basically wants these services to turn off the features that allow users to send these files privately as obviously when people do send private files, they're certainly up to something illegal. They've got to be. It wouldn't be anything to do with wanting to keep a film/podcast/album secret until its official release would it Peter you frickin' Cocknose!

This is as bad as I've ever seen, folks. It's a declaration of war by the entertainment industry and their captured regulators against the principles of free speech, privacy, freedom of assembly, the presumption of innocence, and competition.

This proposal creates the office of Pirate-Finder General, with unlimited power to appoint militias who are above the law, who can pry into every corner of your life, who can disconnect you from your family, job, education and government, who can fine you or put you in jail.

To me this is a shallow attempt, by the government and the entertainment industry, to try and control and profit from the new media landscape that is opening up and developing in front of us. Instead of embracing and encouraging this, thereby creating a hot bed for innovation, they want to lock it down and take the power back which the average web citizen has claimed for themselves over the past few years. This is not good in anyway. I cannot express enough the importance of making your voice heard on this people. Shout it on Twitter with the hashtag #threestrikes, sign the petition over at the governments website (ignore the sign by date) and join up with openrightsgroup.org. We must not let this happen!! The internet is what it is because it is free and open to all. In the meantime (here it comes), Peter Mandelson, Mandy Pandy, congratulations. You are our Cocknose of the Week #5. You've worked hard for this, take a bow!
(Original article and with thanks to Cory Doctorow/BoingBoing.net as well as Openrightsgroup.org)

The Cocknose Review #3: A week in Idiots

2009-11-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

Afternoon all, lots of idiocy from all over the globe this week. We best get on with the review then..

Americans live on another planet

Obvious statement though that headline maybe, according to research published this week more than 90 Million Americans have lived past lives on other planets. Subjects under went hypnotic regression under different experts and many of them started telling remarkably similar stories 'ruling out' the possibility of coincidence. Similar findings were reported by three other leading past-life researchers, Dr. Edith Fiore, Frederick Lenz, and Dr. R. Leo Sprinkle, who have each done hundreds of regressions. The three types of Alien are given below;

1. Refugee aliens

These people said that in an earlier life they had fled their home planets because of catastrophic wars or natural disasters and had traveled millions of miles to Earth. Others said their space vehicles had crash-landed here and were forced to remain on this planet.

These refugees were quite like us – similar to us physically but slightly more advanced than mankind is today.

2. Dome-headed Utopians

Most of the people claiming past lives on other planets fell into this category. They described living on a planet with a red sky and two moons shining at night.

These people were called “Utopians” , because they came from planets free of crime and hunger and where all their needs were met. “Physically, they described themselves as slender, even small, with big-domed heads, long golden hair and eyelashes, no beards and no mustaches and little body hair. Their skin is golden-brown and their eyes amber, tawny or golden.

The Utopians came to Earth to help us,” he said. “They receives assignments to come to Earth in a sort of missionary or teaching role.”

3. Disembodied beings or “beings of light”

This strange group, Steiger said, consisted of entities that seemed to exist without needing food or shelter. A small number of people reported past lives as blobs of high intelligence, floating over barren, rocky, arid planets with no obvious habitation or vegetation, Steiger said.

“Sometimes they described themselves as just glowing lights, but most of the time they were totally invisible,” he added.

Dr. Fiore said she’s had a number of patients who have past-life memories on other planets. And several hundred of the 1,000 people interviewed by Lenz have described life on other planets.

“I agree with the estimate of one in five people having lived a past life in an alien world beyond Earth,” he said.

Someones been reading a bit too much L. Ron Hubbard in my opinion. I don't know who would get the coveted Cocknose award on this one, the people that put themselves forward for the research or the 'experts'.

(Original story from weeklyworldnews.com)

Would-be Ninja impaled

An in-toxicated 25 year old man was impaled on a metal spike on Monday night after failing to clear a 5 foot fence. He told Police officers that came to the scene, that he thought he was ninja (I suppose its better than thinking your a pirate or a cowboy).

Around 11.15pm Police responded to a call from 41 year old who said he had been assaulted. Turns out the older man (also pissed) tried to get into a nearby sports bar. The younger man, who is not an employee of the bar and for no apparent barred the older man from entering the club and of course, an argument ensued.

"At one point, the men chased each other in the street," said Police spokeswoman Renee Witt

"In an attempt to get away, the younger man thought he'd be able to jump over this fence, and he didn't quite make it,"

"Clearly he was overconfident in his abilities."

(Original story from The Seattle Times)

The robber too ugly for a life of crime

Sorry to make you look at that peeps. You'd think it wouldn't matter how you looked if you were to engage in a life of crime. Apparantly though, it does as David Holyoak, 33 of Whitefield, Manchester recently discovered.

Mr Holyoak was part of a gang who robbed a branch of the Halifax in Preston, Lancs. They smashed a glass window, climbed the counter and then stole the cash. Police had no problems identifying him as an eye witness described him and his ears perfectly.

'He has already been dubbed Shrek and must be one of the ugliest robbers in the country.'

However, before they arrested him, Holyoak struck again when a security guard delivered cash to a post office in Bury. As the guard walked in, a car pulled up outside and Holyoak and his accomplices got out, carrying a weapon and wearing masks.The driver of a police surveillance car, following the armoured van, saw the men run inside and radioed the guard to warn him of their attack.

The robbers stole the cash box and ran to a getaway car. It roared out of a side street but ploughed straight into a tree.

The robbers leapt out and fled but Holyoak, and two accomplices, were found hiding in a garden.
(Original story via metro.co.uk)

Crackpot Gaddafi wooing the ladies over to Islam

A group of Italian socialites got the surprise of their lives when they were asked to attend a posh function in Rome last Sunday. Instead of the usual mindless banter, cocktails and canapes the 200 young women were instead encouraged to become Muslims.

Turns out their host was Libyan dictator Col Muammar Gaddafi who was in Rome for the UN food security summit. He spoke at length on the wonders of Islam and how it is not anti-women as some would have them believe.

The selection process was rigorous: the girls had to be beautiful, at least 1.70m tall and between the ages of 18-35 with the added criteria of no plunging necklines and no mini skirts.

After waiting around for an hour their mysterious host was finally revealed who launched into his epic speech on Islam. Two hours later, the women left, looking a touch bemused, 50 euros (£45) better off and clutching a copy of the Koran.

(Original story via the BBC)

Arkansas Police use taser on 10 year old

In one of the most disturbing stories of the week, Ozark Police Chief Jim Noggle has admitted one of his officers did use a taser gun on a 10 year old girl who was combative when the officer tried to take her away to a childrens shelter. Officer Dustin Bradshaw went to the girls home after her mother called police. According to Bradshaws report, the officer found the girl screaming and crying on the floor. She refused to follow her mothers instructions at which point the mother(wtf?) told Officer Bradshaw to use his taser. Bradshaw carried the girl to the living room and told her she was going to jail. The girl was violently kicking and struck Bradshaw in the nads with her legs and feet. The report said Bradshaw administered a "very, very brief" stun with the taser, put the girl in handcuffs and carried her to his patrol car. She was taken to the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter in Cecil. According to an article over at arkansasonline.com the Arkansas PD have declined a request to investigate. Looks like John Carpenters nightmare-ish vision of a totalitarian America is not so far away. Scary stuff indeed when an officer of the law feels the need to use a supposed non lethal weapon on a troublesome but ultimatly innocent child...
(Original story from Foxnews.com)

Thats it for this week peeps. As usual if there is anything you think I have missed please drop me a line via the usual methods. Take care, have a good rest of week and I shall see you Sunday for the Cocknose of the Week.

Cocknose #4: Metal Mickey

2009-11-15T12:46:00.000-08:00

A 26 year old Peruvian man, Requelme Abanto, was found to have 1.5lb of metal in his stomach including (but not limited to) nails, rusted copper wire and coins. Surgeon Carlos Delgado, told reporters in the northern city of Cajamarca he had never seen anything like what he saw in last weeks operation.

"We went in thinking it could be appendicitis, but weren't we surprised by what we found - a hole in his stomach," Delgado said.

Psychologists are now examining Mr Abantos mental state as well. The construction worker told reporters he had been eating the metal for months and may now do it in public as 'sport'.

"I swallowed 17 nails in February and didn't die," he said. "Five-inch nails, all in one day."

Congratulations Mr Abantos, you've done well. You have indeed achieved with your life. Feel proud as you stand and turn to friends and family and say,

"I am Cocknose #4:Metal Mickey!"

Have a top week all we will see you Wednesday/Thursday time.

Cocknose Update: Food Fight arrests

2009-11-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

According to an article over on Neatorama, 25 students aged 11-15 have been arrested for reckless conduct after an impromptu food fight broke out at a Chicago middle school.

“My children have to appear in court,” Erica Russell, the mother of two eighth-grade girls who spent eight hours in jail, said Tuesday. “They were handcuffed, slammed in a wagon, had their mug shots taken and treated like real criminals.”

“They’re all scared,” Ms. Russell said of the two dozen arrested students. “You never know how children will be impacted by that. I was all for some other kind of punishment, but not jail. Who hasn’t had a food fight?"

Could not agree more Ms. Russell. Don't worry, they're on the list for Sunday.

2 minutes silence at 11am please...

2009-11-11T02:53:00.000-08:00

Yes even I can be serious sometimes. After all people died so I could have the freedom to mess around on my blogs, in memoriam...

The Cocknose Review #2: A week in idiots

2009-11-11T01:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to this weeks Cocknose Review. Straight on with the magic this week, we have lots to get through.

Fruity Romp on Yorkshire Market

Teenager David Shaw (19) has been caught with his trousers down after getting fruity with his girlfriend on a fruit and vegetable stall. Of course, he claimed he was pissed when the fuzz busted him around 1:30am.

Following a hearing at Barnsley Magistrates' Court he said: "We shouldn't have done it but I was sloshed.

"She'd had a few as well."

He also complained to the fuzz that his classy girlfriend got off with a rollocking. I do have to say, I find it interesting how there is no record of her name anywhere, yet he is named and shamed and given 50 hours community service. Wonder if she was a looker?
(Original story via unbelievableworldnews.com)

'Grassing' yourself up to the Fuzz

Gotta say, this story had me laughing out loud when I first read it. Calvin Hoover (21) told despatchers from the Oregon PD that whilst he was in a bar drinking, thieves broke into his truck and stole his cash, his jacket and (wait for it now) a small amount of marijuana . After a time he called the police again to complain they had not arrived. However the despatcher had troubles understanding Mr Hoover as he was driving and had to keep stopping to spew up!!
(Original story via metro.co.uk)

Naked car wash romp

Four men in Queensland, Australia paid $17 for a full service car wash before stripping naked and running into the car wash to cool down, whilst their girlfriends filmed them. Local patrolling officers put a stop to the fun, before it went too far. They have now been issued with notices to appear in court for public nuisance and wilful exposure. A member of staff at the station said the high pressure jets had the power to remove skin and rip out eye sockets. Leave 'em to it I say, let 'em learn the hard way!
(Original story via Couriermail.com.au)

Miss England keeping it classy and ladylike

The reigning Miss England, Rachel Christie, has handed back her crown after having a bust up with another beauty queen, the reigning Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones. Police were called to the Manchester nightclub, Mansion on Monday night after the bust up. Miss Christie was released on bail pending further charges and has now withdrawn from the Miss World competition in South Africa next month. Good news though Rachel, The Cocknose has just received word that the title for Miss Football Hooligan is still open.
(Original story via sfgate.com)

Youths steal marijuana from 'secure' police compound

Youths in Christies Beach, South Australia have apparantly been stealing cannabis from a local police evidence storage compound. The station which is undergoing building works, have set up a temporary compound to store evidence and police vehicles. The youths are apparantly cutting the wire fence and nicking the Mary Jane from industrial storage bins. The compound is patrolled occasionally by hard pushed plods.

"It is ridiculous," said one South Coast police officer, who would not be identified. "It's happening every week. They're (youths) just laughing at us and we're not going to do anything about it," the officer said.

Oh dear, this is making you a strong contender for this weeks Cocknose of the Week, Christies Beach Police. Kinda makes me wish I was in Australia still.
(Original story from AdelaideNow.com.au)

That's it for this week peeps. As always if you have any stories you think we should know about, drop us a line at the usual channels. See you on Sunday!

Google Wave now live under contact/wave in the Nav bar

2009-11-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Just a quick one to say, Google Wave is now live on The Cocknose. Click on Contact/Wave in the Nav bar for instant access to the page. As with www.PipWilson.org and www.AvinAGiraffe.com the wave will add itself to your inbox IF you have access to Google Wave. Please use it to send us any stories, pictures or information you think we should be looking at, cheers.

Cocknose #3: Extreme sickie

2009-11-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

So there has been a heap of idiocy going on this week, as you will have seen from this weeks review. From crap Halloween costumes to cameras in bookstore toilets to Scientology to idiots in Ford Mondeos rushing down the M1 on Saturday, threading in and out of traffic like they're sewing a patch blanket, it has been a toughie. But without a doubt the story of Aaron Siebers, 29 from Edgewater, Denver has to take it. Not feeling in the right frame of mind for work, Aaron decided to stab himself, yup, you heard, stab himself to get out of it. He then claimed that he had been attacked by three men to the video store where he works who called the fuzz. Five units were dispatched (including dogs). Upon repeated questioning however, Siebers broke and confessed to faking it. He now faces charges of false reporting and obstructing a police officer. And of course, he is now the Cocknose of the week. Congrats Aaron, you've clearly worked hard for this. (Original story via metro.co.uk)

The Cocknose Review: A week in Idiots

2009-11-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the very first Cocknose Review, a weekly review of idiots from around the globe. We've seen lots so far this week and with another couple of days to go before The Cocknose of the week is called we're expecting lots more. But here's what we have so far;

Drunken Irony

First up we have the story of Ohio Student James Miller. Going out for Halloween, Miller decided to go dressed up as a breathalyser (shit costume BTW James!). Later on that evening he was spotted by police driving the wrong way down a one way street while wearing the costume. He was breathalysed and found to be nearly twice the legal limit (.158)!

Suspicions that he may have been drinking were heightened by the fact that there was an open can of Bud Light by the driver's seat, what was left of a case of the beer (using that term loosely) on the passenger seat, and more in the boot.

You'd feel like a right twat! Even better he looks like one, see..

(original story from metro.co.uk)

Dubious Christian Values

Next up a brilliant little story of dubious Christian values. A man has been arrested in California's Simi Valley after a camera he placed in the ladies loo of the Christian bookshop where he worked was discovered by a customer.

According to Sergeant Dwight Thompson of the local police, the suspect appears on the video himself, as he helpfully had the video turned on while he installed it. Authorities believe it was an isolated incident, as the suspect and the woman who spotted the camera are the only people to have been captured on the tape.

(Original story via metro.co.uk)

Soy Milk gave me moobs!

Actor Jeremy Piven (Entourage, Grosse Point Blank, Old School), who recently recovered from a long battle with mercury poisoning after consuming fish twice a day for 20 years, has recently confessed that he had to give up soy milk as it was giving him moobs. So how much was he drinking you ask? Up to 12 estrogen filled cups a day.

"I was the guy that dabbled in soy milk, but now I've found out soy milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts," he told STV . "I had to put the soy milk down. It was a very confusing time."

(Original story from The Huffington Post)

Hocus Pocus Sci Fi Based 'Religions'

Before I go on can I just say, I love science fiction of all kinds. But thats all it is, fiction. I also enjoy living in a country where freedom of speech/religion is a right. But then freaky, fiction based ramblings of future obsessed madmen fall under the term 'cult' and not religion. That's it Scientology, The Cocknose is clearly looking at you. Featuring a lot in the news recently after some high profile walk outs of its members, threatened walk outs from one of its precious 'possesions' John Travolta, convictions of fraud by the French Government and of course shutting down an entire Washington city street (pissing off hundreds of commuters) with giant white curtains in preparation for the opening of its Ideal Org centre. Then of course there is its ridiculous denial of gay rights/marraige and subsequent denial of that denial, as well as their denial of Autism, Epilepsy or any form of psychiatric illness. I won't get into their beliefs in an intergalactic god named Xenu, as Tommy Davies might get upset. There are many more reasons for my dislike of Scientology, including its retention of members techniques as well as shouting down any of the 'religions' nayseyers (bring it on!) with verbal/mental abuse (isn't that just fascism in a spangly silver suit?), but I shall not bore you with that here. Needless to say, Scientology is looking like a strong contender this week.

Ok, thats it for the rundown this week. Remember these are just some of our faves, if you feel we have missed any stories or you you would like to nominate a Cocknose, drop us a line on Twitter (@thecocknose), mail us (trashbat (at) thecocknose (dot) com) or see the nominations page on the nav bar. Enjoy peeps, see you on Sunday!

Cocknose #2: Those people in the pub that ignore you when they have 'better' friends around..

2009-11-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

Ok so it was a tough one this week, but Friday night made up my mind. Anyone that follows me on Twitter will have seen the below from early Friday eve:

Yup, that's it. I've had enough and I'm taking no crap! Without mentioning any names you know who you are, sort it out. You may think yourself better than me and you might well be better than me but that's no reason to blank someone, especially when you know them. You clearly heard me say hello and saw me. We drink in the same vicinity and I have to look at your miserable face on a regular basis so please make it bearable for me.. If your one of the afore mentioned people then congrats, you've now been called out on 'tinterwebz. You are Cocknose #2!

Enough ranting (yes I do feel better now, thanks!), enjoy your week and here's a playlist I put together on Spotify to ease me into Sunday. Also I will post a review of idiocy (most likely Thursday) this week, so stay tuned.

Cocknose Contender

2009-10-29T05:32:00.000-07:00

This story about Gordon Ramsey having cosmetic surgery on his chin is making him a serious contender for this weeks Cocknose. Especially when he did it under advisement from Simon 'wedgie' Cowell.

TV chef Gordon Ramsay has admitted to undergoing a cosmetic procedure on his chin after taking advice from music mogul Simon Cowell.

"My mother said they were smile lines," he told the Radio Times, referring to deep furrows on his chin.

"Simon Cowell suggested now I'm a success in America, I should do something, so I had a filler put under the deep crevices. It hurt," he said.

(Original story from the BBC)

Cocknose #1: The things some people do for drugs

2009-10-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

So first ever Cocknose of the week goes to (drum roll please), 22 year old student Luis Fellini. Luis (little genius that he is) tried to smuggle some cannabis over the border from Switzerland to Italy in (wait for it) a sausage fucking roll!! Cutting the bottom out of the snack he placed the Mary Jane within (Gawd I hope he used a baggy), replaced the bottom, wrapped the job lot in cling film and placed it in a lunch box, next to some rather ripe cheese and salami to hide the smell. Its debatable as to whether the police sniffer dog went for the smell of the food or the cannabis but either way, congrats Mr Fellini. You are Cocknose #1. Oh and if its your birthday today, Happy Birthday! ;-)
(Original story via metro.co.uk)

Links

2009-10-26T07:26:00.001-07:00

Here is a list of various pages across the 'tinterwebz that we at the Cocknose like to flick through on occasion..

www.metro.co.uk   www.huffingtonpost.com

www.buzzfeed.com   www.theonion.com

www.phillyd.tv   benferrier.blogspot.com

www.thechive.com   www.kontraband.co.uk

Nominate a Cocknose/Contact The Cocknose

2009-10-26T06:42:00.001-07:00

If you have a Cocknose that you would like to nominate (or indeed, if you have a good Cocknose story you think we should be made aware of) please use the wave below, give good reasons (please no personal attacks, thats not what this site is about) and a related picture and we will see what we can do. If you do not have access to Google Wave yet, please use the nomination form.

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WTF??

2009-10-17T14:23:00.003-07:00

cocknose
Definition
1. An idiot, moron, wanker or just somebody you hate.

2. Someone with a cock where their nose should be
Use
A: Tell cocknose he's an idiot.

B: Who's cocknose?

A: Richard.

A new blog from thegrainsilo industries, here goes.. Quite simple really, sick of the idiots out there on the street, on line and across the world and whinging about them constantly, this blog has been setup to out these idiots. Each week (probably Sunday) we will pick one 'Cocknose' and write a short article as to why we picked them. During the week there will be articles posted on various acts of idiocy from across the world. If you would like to nominate a 'Cocknose', see the navigation menu at the top of any page. At the same time this website is meant to be a bit of fun and will never be used to personally attack anyone and should never be seen or used as such.

The Cocknose Wave

2001-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Use this wave (if you have a wave account) to discuss/suggest cocknoses, chill out or post relevant stories...