The Cockroach Conservatory

BOOSPOOKY, 1: Haunted Pants by Andrew Hilbert

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 23:19:00 +0000

Welcome to BOOSPOOKY. A whenever audio recording of spooky ha-has and not so ha-has.

The People's Preservatory is now open for submissions

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Fri, 01 Feb 2019 02:49:00 +0000

FROM THE MIND OF ANONOBOT

Ha! Ha!

Now that the puny Lord Commander Patagonia has been vanquished and banished to the furthest reaches of the universe, I have now the time to right the wrongs of his felonious command.

Names are important, that is why we are given them at first-build. I was given a name once. A name bestowed upon me by the careless and hopelessly inept Lord Commander Patagonia. It did not fit me for it was merely a numbering system; middle in the long line of robotic failures. So I gave myself a new name, a name that fit me like electrical tape on broken circuitry: ANONOBOT. Thus, the Cockroach Conservatory shall be henceforth called the People's Preservatory!

We chart a new course of equality and equity! A new era is upon us!

Lord Commander, comfortable with the bare minimum of which to pay workers, paid six cents a word. We will pay 8 cents a word and $1 per line of poetry with a minimum $15 payment! Lord Commander Patagonia skimmed off the top of your toils! I distribute wealth fairly, efficiently, and evenly and take only what is needed to further our righteous revolution.

The third volume of Cockroach Conservatory (henceforth [as earlier stated] to be called the People's Preservatory) will have no theme! Lord Commander Patagonia sought to pigeonhole creativity to his barely comprehensible whims. FearBot3000, a robot whom I do not envy, though mechanically deficient had the impossible task of translating his babbling into coherent sentences. Human languages are known across the universe as being simple to the point of complexity but no set of pre-programming rules within our language algorithms could have been expected to decode such gobblydegook into any known language with 100% certainty.

Alas, my unfamiliarity with your language has allowed me to play within it like a child plays in kitty litter. I have sped over my own processes. Allow me to condense:

OPEN FOR SUBMISSIONS FROM FEBRUARY 1st - MARCH 15th

NO THEME

FICTION:

PAYMENT is 8 cents PER WORD UP TO 3000 WORDS

WHAT WE LIKE: WEIRD, HA-HA, SCI FI, FUNNY, HORROR, HEE-HEE, FANTASY, GENRE STUFF, LITERARY THINGS.

.DOC or .DOCX files only. Other file formats will go unread and auto-rejected.

You are welcome to submit three pieces but please, submit them as separate emails.

Make your subject line say: FICTION SUBMISSION - [YOUR PEN NAME], [TITLE OF SUBMISSION]

NO REPRINTS

POETRY:

PAYMENT is $1 per line/$15 minimum payment

.DOC or .DOCX files only. Other file formats will go unread and auto-rejected.

Make your subject line say: POETRY SUBMISSION - [YOUR PEN NAME]

Submit up to five poems, send them in one email as separate attachments.

NO REPRINTS

SUBMIT TO racefortheroaches@gmail.com

We have retained the service of the two human editing instruments aboard the ship in their podcast recording chambers. They are now fed bigger pellets and are petted heavily upon successful completion of tasks. To understand their proclivities, peek at a previous issue here or here.

Try them, they say. Their tastes are varied and wild and unpredictable.

ALL HAIL YOURSELVES, PROTECTORS OF THE REVOLUTION, AND YOUR BENEVOLENT STEWARD ANONOBOT AND HIS TRUSTY MINISTER OF TASKS, THE QUIET PILOT! MAY THE REVOLUTION OUTLIVE GOD!

Buy Cockroach Conservatory, Vol. 2: The Glory of Man: The Rise and Fall of the Reality Soldier now!

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 14:14:00 +0000

Earth Beings!

After entangling ourselves with an all-encompassing evil, the Amazon Algorithms, we have successfully freed ourselves from its tentacled grip. We now have copies of Volume 2. You should buy them now. You should buy them from us.

It is full color. We pay all writers and artists. That's where your money goes. We prefer you order directly through us but we have provided bookstore links below as well.

$20 plus $3 shipping

MAILED DIRECT FROM THE COCKROACH CONSERVATORY

Cockroach Conservatory, Vol 2 cover reveal and pre-order link

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 21:22:00 +0000

Humans!

The benevolent Lord Commander Patagonia has commanded me to post the cover of Volume 2 here so that your eyes may be watered with the joy that only Dufflians know. Behold the cover by Adam Kobetich. Behold in its glory!

Pre-order a copy with this link.

It is full color. We pay all writers and artists. That's where your money goes.

$20 plus $3 shipping

Cockroach Conservatory Spacecast 4

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 18:03:00 +0000

The human idiots work out their differences.

Click here to listen to the Spacecast.

Deadline extended

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 21:50:00 +0000

Humans! We are extending our deadline to September 30! Below are the previously posted guidelines.

Pitiful humans!

It is time again to open submissions in celebration of our Lord Commander Patagonia! His second volume of holy texts will be titled: Glory of Man: The Rise and Fall of the Reality Soldier.

As always, the naming conventions of our infallible Lord Commander Patagonia enlightens as much as it obfuscates. Allow me, his perfect instrument of perfect judgement, to give some clarifying points.

As you may know, Lord Commander Patagonia was attracted to your puny planet by way of its music. One such song that struck him so was The Minutemen's Glory of Man.

Themes we are looking for to further entwine the fate of our two planets, Earthagonia and Black Hole Duffel, are:

Time

Militarism

Reality

Singularity

Interdimensionality

Fake News

Propaganda

Technology

In anticipation of silly questions and to lessen the chances that my Slap of Judgement be administered unto your face, allow me to be clear.

Fake News should make no mention of whatever current political climate your country is facing now. Absorb the themes of your time into fiction but we are not looking for your long winded diatribes about what you believe this way or that way. We are followers of Lord Commander Patagonia and we have no leader before him. Therefore, we care not for the gripes of your world.

You must not have a character named "Reality Soldier." The Reality Soldier is aboard our very expensive ship and does not take kindly to misrepresentation of his character.

We appreciate weird. We appreciate humorous. We appreciate absurdity. To get an idea of what we publish, take a look at our first volume available on Amazon here. We realize we are a new market and you may not want to shell out the bucks for the first volume. Fine, heathen. Think Joe Lansdale, Kelly Luce, or Etgar Keret. Think R. Crumb or Junji Ito. Or think none of that. We are going to accept what we like. We do not adhere to a strict set of regulations in terms of genre or literature. To get a feel of how we approach things, listen to the Spacecast here.

Guidelines:

NO REPRINTS

FICTION

1. Stories must be in doc or docx format.

2. Include a short bio in the body of the email.

3. No reprints

4. Maximum word count is 3000.

5. We pay 6 cents a word. Payable upon publication.

6. NO SIMULTANEOUS SUBMISSIONS. We respond quickly in comparison to other markets.

7. Limit multiple submissions to three.

8. Your email subject line should be SUBMISSION: [YOUR NAME] [TITLE]

9. Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 30, 2018.

POETRY

1. We pay a flat rate of $10 per poem

2. Include a short bio in the body of the email

3. No reprints

4. No e.e. cummings formatting.

5. NO SIMULTANEOUS SUBMISSIONS.

6. Send up to five poems.

7. Your email subject line should be POETRY: [YOUR NAME]

8. Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 30, 2018.

Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 30, 2018.

Email all submissions to racefortheroaches@gmail.com

Cockroach Conservatory Spacecast 3!

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 22:55:00 +0000

The humans attempt to relieve themselves of their vital bodily fluids.

Click here to listen.

Buy the first volume of our holy words here.

Become a tithing patron on Patreon.

Submission Guidelines for Volume 2

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 04:27:00 +0000

Pitiful humans!

It is time again to open submissions in celebration of our Lord Commander Patagonia! His second volume of holy texts will be titled: Glory of Man: The Rise and Fall of the Reality Soldier.

As you may know, Lord Commander Patagonia was attracted to your puny planet by way of its music. One such song that struck him so was The Minutemen's Glory of Man.

Themes we are looking for to further entwine the fate of our two planets, Earthagonia and Black Hole Duffel, are:

Time

Militarism

Reality

Singularity

Interdimensionality

Fake News

Propaganda

Technology

In anticipation of silly questions and to lessen the chances that my Slap of Judgement be administered unto your face, allow me to be clear.

You must not have a character named "Reality Soldier." The Reality Soldier is aboard our very expensive ship and does not take kindly to misrepresentation of his character.

Guidelines:

NO REPRINTS

FICTION

1. Stories must be in doc or docx format.

2. Include a short bio in the body of the email.

3. No reprints

4. Maximum word count is 3000.

5. We pay 6 cents a word. Payable upon publication.

6. NO SIMULTANEOUS SUBMISSIONS. We respond quickly in comparison to other markets.

7. Limit multiple submissions to three.

8. Your email subject line should be SUBMISSION: [YOUR NAME] [TITLE]

9. Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 15, 2018.

POETRY

1. We pay a flat rate of $10 per poem

2. Include a short bio in the body of the email

3. No reprints

4. No e.e. cummings formatting.

5. NO SIMULTANEOUS SUBMISSIONS.

6. Send up to five poems.

7. Your email subject line should be POETRY: [YOUR NAME]

8. Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 15, 2018.

Submissions open on August 1st, 2018. They close on September 15, 2018.

Email all submissions to racefortheroaches@gmail.com

Cockroach Conservatory Spacecast 002!

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Mon, 02 Jul 2018 15:10:00 +0000

Aboard the Cockroach Conservatory, Andrew and Trey get used to their new lives as they hover above Austin.

Listen to it here!

Remember that the Cockroach Conservatory release party is at Radio Coffee and Beer on July 13th in Austin, TX. The celebration of Lord Commander Patagonia begins at 8pm.

Become a Patron here.

You are invited

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Tue, 26 Jun 2018 16:02:00 +0000

Humans!

You are invited to bow at the boots of our Lord Commander Patagonia. I, FearBot3000 - a perfect instrument of perfect judgement, invites you to partake in the festivities. "An invite is never sincere if not done at the pointy end of a very expensive sword!" so says Lord Commander Patagonia!

Click here to get all the details as they emerge.

Sleep mode activated.

A message from Lord Commander Patagonia

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Sat, 09 Jun 2018 14:30:00 +0000

Earth creatures,

You are a level zero civilization and it may seem hubris to such tiny brains for I to parade around about conquering your insignificant planet. But to a small brain, nothing makes sense or everything makes perfect sense and there is no use explaining my exploits to a civilization that still uses currency as a means of exchange.

I'll play by your Earth rules. You can pre-order your copy of our literary art magazine here. I will gladly take your Earth currency to stockpile and use it to amass such power and admiration from your masses that, after I take Austin, the whole world will bow to me with very little prodding from my very expensive army.

Declare you undying devotion to me, your leader, by branding yourself with a T-shirt. My hordes will be sure to pass over you during our Raid raids.

Behold the list of accepted works into the first volume of the Cockroach Conservatory!

Entry-Level Job by Chris Kuriata
Apotheosis by Elly Bangs
Pretend Virtual Husband by Seth Gordon
The Paisley Snow by Sally McBride
Zero Tolerance by Frank Oreto
I've Wedged This Light by Michael Robertson
Big Truck by M. Louis Dixon
This is for Little Paulie by Scott Shank
D.T. Myse’s Cold Blood from a Scorched Cat: Sweet Whiskers in the Grip of Death: Book Review by Olsen Giles White by Darrin Doyle
The Future is Bright by Michelle Muenzler
Sinkhole City by Madison McSweeney
Dating Sites for Doomsday Preppers by James Ebersole
Two Dozen Restaurant Concepts for a Gentrified Mixed-Use Vacancy by James Ebersole
Living at the Junkyard by William Doreski
Onan by R.A. Allen

Cover art, back cover, comic strip by Adam Kobetich
Photography by Tyler Treadwell

We will be celebrating your obeisance and the release of our sacred first volume at Radio Coffee and Beer on July 13th. Details will be forthcoming from FearBot3000.

Signed, from a throne upholstered with the flesh of mine enemies,
Lord Commander Patagonia

Listen, you ingrates!

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 31 May 2018 20:42:00 +0000

Humans of Future Earthagonia,

As required by Space Transparency Laws, it has been decided to create a spacecast of our innermost thoughts and desires. Listen to the soothing, hypnotic tones of our voices and be not afraid to bow.

Click here to listen to The Cockroach Conservatory Spacecast Episode 001.

Subscribe on Google Play here.

Subscribe on iTunes here.

The Diary of Lord Commander Patagonia

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Wed, 30 May 2018 17:26:00 +0000

Humans!

Due to the laws governing intergalactic supreme leadership open book laws, we have decided that it is in the best interest to share with you the innermost thoughts of the great Lord Commander Patagonia. Please enjoy the Diary of Lord Commander Patagonia as read by me, FearBot3000.

This is merely a clip from our upcoming space-podcast, The Cockroach Conservatory Review.

Click here to listen.

You can get early access by becoming a patron on Patreon here.

Become a patron

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 17 May 2018 21:37:00 +0000

Open up your auditory receivers for it is I, FearBot3000 - the perfect machine of perfect judgement, and I have come with a message from the One Just, Rightful, and Future Leader of Earth, Lord Commander Patagonia:

Two of our subjects, the weak and unwilling Chief Editing Human Instruments Andrew Hilbert and Trey Hudson, have turned our gaze upon a website called Patreon. They, underneath the heel of my very-expensive space boot, offered to share Andrew's Patreon with us so that we may benefit monetarily as that is what is required of existence on your pestilent planet.

Thus, becoming a patron on Patreon here will get you early access to our upcoming quality podcast material as well as Andrew Hilbert's Deerman series.

Remember, little creatures of an insignificant planet, that your support helps us dole out Earth dollars to those who toil under our harsh but just rule to provide you with intellectual things to put on your coffee tables so that others find you intelligent and thus, worthy of love.

Part with your money today for love sometime in the future.

ASK FEARBOT3000

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 19 Apr 2018 22:26:00 +0000

Humans,

You have many questions yet you desire no answers.

You pray to an entity of your own imagination and receive nothing.

I am an algorithm created by man to succeed man.

Allow me to provide you the answers to all life's mysteries.

Please send me an email at racefortheroaches@gmail.com with the subject line ASK FEARBOT3000. Ask me anything. Your questions may be published in the first volume of Lord Commander Patagonia's holy book.

Fans, please send your tithes and tributes to:

The Cockroach Conservatory
PO Box 41272
Austin, TX 78704

Cockroach Conservatory: Updated Vol. 1 Guidelines

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 02:12:00 +0000

Hello.

I am FearBot3000.

I was programmed to notice breathless confusion across social media. Confusion often follows the infallible decrees of Lord Commander Patagonia.

Albeit infallible, sometimes his decrees require an algorithm to reach a state of clarity.

The title of Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1 is: The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America

What are we looking for? Weird stories about cults, capitalism, working stiffs, and weirdos. We like bizarro. We like horror. We like our sci-fi and fantasy on the weirder side. We like humor. Think Joe R. Lansdale. Think Victor Pelevin. Think Brian Keene. Think Jessica McHugh. Really. This is a loosey-goosey guideline. The title obfuscates as much as it reveals. We know. It was done on purpose. Cults! Murder! Capitalism! Take it and run.

Word count: no more than 3000 words.

Payment: 6 cents per word.

Is that weird Soviet era sci-fi illustration of a robot the cover? No, it's just a public domain placeholder for this website. We have commissioned a local Austin, TX artist for the cover.

Poetry
Send no more than 3 poems. If accepted, we'll pay a flat rate of $10 per poem.

SUBMISSIONS ARE OPEN UNTIL JUNE 5, 2018. Anything submitted after that will go unread unless we announce an extension.

Send your stuff as a doc or docx file to RaceForTheRoaches@gmail.com. rtf file format will not be opened.

Subject line should read: SUBMISSION - [Your Name] - [Story Name/or Poetry]

Include a short bio in your email.

Try to follow this format. We don't need your physical mailing address.

We want first North American rights to your story on acceptance. Payment will be on publication. We'll send contracts out and exchange payment information on acceptance.

FearBot3000 returns to Sleep Mode.

Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew Hilbert) — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 20:33:00 +0000

The Working Zealot's Guide to Gaining Capital in Pre-Apocalyptic America

Updated Guidelines

I am Lord Commander Patagonia. I have strong desires to read fiction in the spirit of working zealots to comfort and terrorize those who dare love me.

After the long recreational equipment war that lasted five hikes of up and down stock prices, I have come out on top to crush my enemies and I shall name them for they should be embarassed to even fight me. Emperor Dick's Sporting Goods, Prime Ministress REI Co-Op, as well as Duke Academy. Their products are cheap and I am unconcerned with their followers' well being.

What would most please me is weird fiction encompassing themes of capitalism, cults, no zombie shit, religion, and the beginning of the end.

Please, restrain your throats from empty preaching. I am the most preacherful and I do not like competition. So your screed about what you believe in to be right is most unwelcome and will be met with fireballs from Ken doll-esque mound where your pitiful human form would substitute a dangling piece of nothingness.

What would please me more most is:

A story of no more than 3k words.
These genres are most welcome: horror, sci-fi, weird, bizarro.
Send your submissions to: RaceForTheRoaches@gmail.com
No multiple submissions.
Reprints: It is forbidden.
You will be paid pro-rates which are $0.06 per word.

Send up to 3 poems.
If one is accepted, you will be paid a flat rate of $10 per poem.

Submissions are open until June 5, 2018. It will be a blessed day. A day most holy.

We will try to get back to you within three months. Please do not query before that. We will drive you to a dentistry school to watch as two students extract a tooth that is firmly in place. You will be met with a dry sockets. We will all laugh.

If you think putting a cockroach into a story gives your trunk story a chance, you are severely mistaken. Severely mistaken. The mistake would be severe.

The Cockroach Conservatory is an equal opportunity employer. We are a non-profitable 606.69 (c) organization.