The Collared Sheep - A Cubicle Community

Ben Stein says Majority of Unemployed have Poor Work Habits, Personalities

McFly — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 18:01:23 +0000

Bueller? Bueller?

I’ve been a Ben Stein fan since his role in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. I’ve followed him through his commercial days for Clear Eyes, his TV days of “Win Ben Stein’s Money,” and even those beyond annoying Free Credit Report advertisements. I’ve never had a quarrel with Ben.

That is, until now.

Ben Stein recently published an article in The American Spectator, in which he touches on the recession, unemployment, productivity, and planning. While listing several lessons he’s learned from the recent economic state, he states:

The people who have been laid off and cannot find work are generally people with poor work habits and poor personalities. I say “generally” because there are exceptions. But in general, as I survey the ranks of those who are unemployed, I see people who have overbearing and unpleasant personalities and/or who do not know how to do a day’s work. They are people who create either little utility or negative utility on the job…

Ben, I’m hurt, and I even have a job. I do, however, know quite a few intelligent, hard working people who don’t. Apparently, so does Aaron Crowe in a WalletPop rebuttle.

Let’s think about this: The 6.8 million people who are classified by the federal government as long-term unemployed, meaning they’ve been jobless for 27 weeks and longer, can’t find work because they have poor work habits and bad attitudes, according to Stein. They make up almost half — 45.5% — of the unemployed people in the country, so half of the people out of work in America are lazy and have bad attitudes? What are the odds of that happening?

Aaron goes on, touching on a few other points the rubbed him the wrong way.

Thanks, Ben. Generalizations might help explain economics better, but generalizing about an entire group of people — almost half of the unemployed — looks like a weak attempt at trying to find a scapegoat so that unemployment benefits aren’t extended for the long-term unemployed. In Ben’s world, are the Irish always drunk, and is every Italian in the Mafia? Those are generalizations too, Ben.

Perhaps Ben ran out of his Clear Eyes solution, but newsflash Mr. Stein: The recession is making sheep everywhere tense and upset. They won’t take it anymore, and now is not the time to even “suggest” that they may not have the best work habits – unless your prepared for a confrontation.

Update: Ben responds, apologetically, but also clarifying his main points. See, I knew he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. Still crossing my fingers for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off II.”

[Source: The American Spectator]

[Source: WalletPop]

NYPD Agent Accused of Flashing Lights To Get Coffee; People Shockingly Pissed

Von Kaiser — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:48:49 +0000

It’s hard to miss the “CPR” acronym that adorns NYPD cars as they fly around town.

CPR is taken to a whole new level with NYPD blue.

Not only do New York’s finest protect and serve, they do it with courtesy, professionalism and respect. Well, it seems not ALL of them do:

…Agent Daniel Chu, who was ordered to undergo sensitivity training for badgering drivers. Now, there’s a new complaint that has some calling for his job.

"I didn't realize the CPR was more than a life-saving technique!" (CBS photo)

It should be noted that Agent Chu is not his FBI title. He’s a traffic agent, according to WCBS. He is the kind of agent we all fear — the kind who targets us, the softest kind of criminal out there, the illegal parker.

He drives one of those dreaded black NYPD cars. When you see it rolling up, you know someone’s day is about to get ruined by a $100-something ticket because they had to double park to get some toilet paper.

A parking agent has to be one of the worst gigs out there. Never will you meet a person who is OK with getting a astronomically expensive parking ticket in Manhattan. It’s probably always the complete opposite. I can’t imagine Agent Chu receives a lot of CPR from his marks.

But why call for his job? There has to be hundreds of parking agents out there…

Tammy Fox is Agent Chu’s latest victim. She was in the dirt near Elmhurst Hospital, trying to fix her flat tire, when Agent Chu sauntered up. Instead of offering help, like most New Yorkers would, he slapped her with a ticket.

Ouch. Even if he showed a lot of “P” and “R” during the stop, there probably wasn’t a lot of “C” involved. That can’t please the brass. According to the story, Chu has also been spotted using his emergency lights to race for a cup of coffee (sounds a little cliche…) and talking on his cell while driving. And he allegedly issued tickets to a funeral procession.

All of these accusations has one of the local councilmen chapped, and doing that is a definite occupational hazard. Assuming any/all of the accusations are true about Chu, it would be a little sweet justice to see some action.

Now that I’ve said that, I better go see if my car is not parked in front of a fire hydrant…

[Source: WCBS New York]

Flat Ass Like Me? Try This Chair

Laura Prangley — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:36:48 +0000

This is NOT a picture of Laura Prangley at the beach. (It's Kim Kardashian)

It is a fact that I was born into a family of flat butts.

My three sisters and I all inherited my Mom’s butt; pardon me, le derrière. I don’t lump my male-model brother into that category because he inherited my Dad’s genes, which is oddly close to Spanish Mamacita tush. How did that happen? Genetics is trying prohibit the possibility of the Prangley ladies ever starring in a rap video. Thanks a lot, you genetic jerks! (Diddy, if you’re reading this, please make my dream come true!).

Last year I lived in a tenement, I mean apartment, in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I lived on the sixth floor of a six-floor walk up, but my loving boyfriend assured that my sad butt was getting a little lift of justice. Normally the cynic in me would take his remark as the default boyfriend boost. However, after 7 months of moving out of my luxurious set up, it’s simply deflated. Deflated in a literally and figurative meaning.

Instead of accepting this unfortunate attribute, I decided to take the road less traveled: The scientific route. A road that assures no detours, such as the intersection of Heidi Montague Street and Ass Implant Avenue.

Hypothesis

There is a high correlation between my concave condition and working a day job that requires sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day.

Observations

My chair looks like the leftovers of a lion gnawing on its prey, termites then infesting, and finished off by decay in the warm sun. It’s the same sort of feeling as being on a Greyhound bus, you don’t really who was sitting there before you. The bones in my behind are not responding well, kind of pissed.

Where crappy office furniture goes to die.

Results

Depression, loss of confidence, decrease in inappropriate comments by cat-callers that I have to pretend to hate.

Conclusion

Convince the office manager to invest in a Isokinetics chair on Amazon.com for $79.98. At least I’m not trying to suggest an executive chair, because that might be insinuating too much skill on my behalf.

This could change your whole life...or just the shape of your rear.

Follow Up

Fail. Ass is still as flat as the world in the Dark Ages.

Written by Laura Prangley

Laura Prangley is a stand-up comedian living in Brooklyn. She's had her fair share of jobs, but nothing can top the summer working at Leisure World. Follow Laura on Twitter and check out her website to see where she's performing.

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Pixie Stix Make Every Office Better

Von Kaiser — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:34:04 +0000

None of us here at The Collared Sheep work in advertising or marketing, but after seeing the image Theresa Dunn sent us from her desk at The Martin Agency, we really wish we did.

In addition to the candy jars around the office, The Martin Agency comes up with hilarity like this:

See something around your office worth sharing? Snap a pic and share it!

Other “Seen Around the Office” shots:

Chanel From ‘Fantasy Factory’ Won Receptionist Lottery

The Office Receptionist — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:43:16 +0000

Last night I caught “Rob Dyrdeck’s Fantasy Factory”, another one of MTV’s finest educational shows. It’s the topic of this week’s Receptionist Chronicles for two reasons:

1. This office receptionist was watching cable! I know it’s weird to say that this day in age, but you’d be crazy if you think I could afford a cable bill on my meager salary in NYC. I’m not saying I date my boyfriend for his cable, but…

2. I realized that there is a receptionist lottery that exists out there, and I am not close to being a winner.

I couldn’t help but gravitate towards Chanel, Rob’s receptionist. Judging by her looks and her hip name alone, we know she didn’t desperately answer a job posting on careerbuilder.com. It’s safe to say, that she’s was casted by MTV or has connected family friend. (Yikes, I can taste my bitterness). Side note, she’s also pursuing her rapping/singing/modeling career…duh.

Not your ordinary receptionist.

In the episode, we learn that Rob is competing in the “Grilled Cheese Invitation World Championships” — which speaks for itself. He wants to show off his culinary skill by making the most expensive grilled cheese money can buy. He also decides to incoporate a side show as he griddles away. This includes costumes and cheerleading routine, thanks to Chanel and her friends.

After finishing his final touches, which includes a gold spray food coloring, Rob gives Chanel the first taste test. She responded to his $300 grilled cheese sandwich with, “Mmm. That’s amazing.” We see a shot of her mouth is oozing with cheese, and then she proceeds to perform a cheerleading routine.

No offense, but I didn’t see Chanel answer the phone once. What does Chanel have that I don’t? Lets chart it out…

Chanel	Office Receptionist
Over 80,000 Twitter followers	Pushing 200 Twitter followers
Blonde hair	Jet black hair
Blonde hair	A sense of humor
A famous, chill boss	A egotistical boss who works with famous people
“Rapping Receptionist”	“Crying Receptionist”
Profile on modelmayhem.com	Personally knowing the founder of modelmayhem.com
A spread in Maxim (chronicled next week’s episode)	The Hollywood option: Spreading my own legs
95 pounds	I can’t remember weighing 95 pounds.
Waist size: 24	The only thing 24 is on my body is my age
Eats $300 grilled cheese sandwich	Spending money for a month: $300
Cup Size: B	Cup Size: B

The last comparison in the chart proves that this receptionist lottery is unfair. It’s always a given that girls with big boobs always have faster moving careers. But Chanel and me? Come on now, we are both B’s!

It’s my turn to win the receptionist lottery. If you’re reading this, Chanel, you need to surrender and stop calling yourself a receptionist. Or else I’m going to challenge you to a rap battle.

Written by The Office Receptionist

Receptionist Chronicles is written by New York City receptionist @officereception. In addition to this column, she tweets each day of her daily grind. Follow her here.

Website | Twitter

Infographic: Men at Work (Not the Band)

McFly — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:23:41 +0000

Men at Work is an excellent 80′s band. It’s also the topic of an excellent Mint.com infographic.

If you could punch your boss, and get away with it, would you? How much money would it take for you to quit working forever? Have you ever stuck your pen in company ink?

Roughly 20,000 men answered. Read on for the replies to these questions and more.

[Source: Mint.com]

Office Haiku: The Fridge

David Cope — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:12:08 +0000

Written by David Cope

David Cope is a New York City comedian that used to work in a call center. He can be seen on this season of "Last Comic Standing." Each Friday, David hosts a show called "Hot Soup" at 8 p.m. at O'Hanlon's on 14th St. and 1st Ave in Manhattan.

Website

Vote for July’s Lunch Break Contest – The Most Patriotic Cubicle

McFly — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:29:10 +0000

This month we asked our readers to submit an image of their workspace, decked out in American memorabilia in honor of the 4th of July. We’ve narrowed the submissions down to 3 finalists, but we need your help deciding on the winner. Remember, the winner will receive a $25 gift certificate to Seamless Web.

The poll is open for 5 days, ending this Friday, and you can vote once a day.

Without further ado, the finalists (click to enlarge):

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Trucker Chokes on Pork Rind, Crashes

Von Kaiser — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:17:56 +0000

Finally, an office where you don't have to worry about the boss catching you on Facebook.

The truck cab isn’t exactly the most clean cut of offices. The list of stereotypes is a mile long.

Your average long haul trucker is a far cry from your cube mate Donald, who spends his evenings clipping cat food coupons. Just find the nearest U.S. interstate and stop at the first truck stop you see, or watch Ice Road Truckers to get a good taste of what goes on in those cabs.

Why am I throwing truckers under the…truck? Well, it’s rather easy because of guys like Edward Sutherland:

As he neared the exit, Sutherland began choking on some spicy pork rinds he had bought at a store, Leary said. The choking caused Sutherland to lose control of the truck, which veered from the southbound lanes of the freeway and crossed the median into the northbound lanes. The truck jackknifed and came to a stop in a muddy ditch…

Honestly? The Onion couldn’t make that one up. It’s too perfect. The story said he suffered a sore foot and back but did not require hospitalization. The story did not report on the condition of his heart burn or cholesterol.

I imagine Edward is having a tough time at the Flying J this Monday morning. The last thing truckers need is a fellow comrade throwing them further down the stereotype well.

Nothing says "weigh station" like pork rinds.

So if you woke up with a little case of the Mondays, take a deep breath and be glad you’re not sitting in the corner of the Pacific Xpress Truck Stop in Tukwila, Wash. casting a shadow over every other trucker in the country because you lived a stereotype.

[Source: Bellingham Herald]

Do I Delete This from My Resume or Not?

Karen Flowers — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:00:07 +0000

Most job seekers make the common mistake of concentrating on what they should include on their resume. Very few pay attention to what they shouldn’t include. The one important word you should never forget when you write a resume is relevance. Your resume should only contain what is relevant, nothing more. So go over your resume again and check what you should delete. Below are some of the details that may not find a place on your resume.

1. Nothing personal.

Your noodling hobby is best kept as a secret.

Your ethnicity, marital status, religious beliefs, and physical appearance are not crucial to your work performance. Likewise, the employer wouldn’t be interested in your personal philosophy, hobbies and interests unless they can directly impact the job you’re applying for. A professional tone always works for the potential employer, so list your education, employment history and qualifications.

These are the relevant information to the job and your career objective that the employer would be looking for. Stick to that and delete anything that resembles “personal”.

2. What achievements?

Don’t even think of putting your nomination as prom queen under Achievements. Professional memberships, awards, volunteer and community services have more weight.

3. Their needs; not yours.

Forget about Objectives. These days, they are a sure way to get your resume tossed out of the window. Many experts recommend a branding statement or professional summary that more effectively describes what you bring to the table.

Need to take your baby to work? Well maybe that will fly if you happen to be Maci from MTV's "Teen Mom."

4. Irrelevant certification programs.

There’s no need to clutter your resume with so many certificates that are not related to the job requirements. If you’re applying for an IT position, highlight your professional certifications or designations. Show a link between your past work experience and your current career goals. If the information doesn’t serve that purpose, delete it.

5. Too much jargon.

Your objective must be clear: you want the reader to understand the words you use on your resume. Remember that the first readers of your resume are most likely the recruiters and human resources associates rather than the immediate hiring manager.

Keep them in mind and unless you’re absolutely sure the terminologies you use mean something to them, better delete them now. Your resume should exhibit your knowledge of the job through your education and experience.

Again, the key to a good resume is a professional tone. You may possess all those fabulous qualifications employers are looking for but why spoil a good resume with garbage? Make it focused, concise, complete and easy for the reader to understand. This will do wonders for your job search!

Written by Karen Flowers

Professional resume writer, Karen Flowers lives by the rule that an effective resume is the key to a successful job search. Her company, TheResumeChick.com, provides an affordable way to get effective, custom resumes in a jiffy. You can get more tips from her blog or simply follow her amusing factoids, discussions and articles on her Twitter.

Website | Twitter

Infographic: Straight Talk on Outsourcing

McFly — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:09:33 +0000

Outsourcing is a touchy subject. It’s essentially paying an external third party source to take care of an internal need, which in itself, doesn’t sound all that devious. One might say sexy, even.

Then there’s the day that your employer realizes they could pay someone in [insert foreign country] about a quarter as much as they pay you to do your same function. You had better bring more to the table than “adequate” performance, or you say “goodbye” to your job, and “hello” to the lady in the food stamp line.

We all have our own views on outsourcing, but what’s the general consensus? Focus.com‘s created a great infographic showing their research and insights.

[Source: www.focus.com]

Prisoners Do Not Respond to Scarecrows, Escape

Von Kaiser — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:13:41 +0000

Wardens must get really pissed when prisoners escape. It’s a complete failure of their most important task: Keep the prisoners in prison.

So imagine how chapped/worried the warden at an Argentinian jail was informed prisoners slipped by the FAKE TOWER GUARD:

Two prisoners have escaped from a jail in Argentina, reportedly while it was using a dummy to man one of its guard towers. Prison staff said a lack of resources meant that only two out of their 15 guard towers were occupied at any given time. They told a local newspaper they put a football with a prison officer’s cap in a third, to create the illusion of an extra guard.

Fool proof...

Whoever thought a football with a hat on it would serve as security for a compound full of people who clearly don’t adhere to rules is probably going to be looking for a new job soon. And for some reason, I feel like occupational hazards like that carry far heavier consequences in Argentina…

Talk about a complete meltdown of responsibility. What if a chef prepared all the ingredients and put it on a plate without actually cooking the food? Unless that chef is a sushi chef, I think there’d be a big problem with that.

At least they had a sense of humor about it (before hand): They called the fake guard “Wilson” — inspired by Tom Cruise’s island mate in Castaway.

[Source: BBC News]

How to Avoid Ruining Your Lunch Break

Secretary4Life — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:32:15 +0000

The best part of the day, aside from when you get to leave to go home, is when you get to leave to go to lunch. Bosses often try to ruin this by scheduling lunch meetings, or as they call it “a working lunch.” A working lunch means that instead of scarfing Chipotle, you’re choking down something from a place called Apple Spice Junction and surrounded by pit stains.

The corporate lunchroom is not the ideal lunch spot.

Bosses don’t mind working through lunch because a) they are able to survive on a diet of cocaine and energy drinks, and b) they have no life. Never do you run into your boss at Starbucks reading a book or updating his Facebook status. If bosses had Facebook statuses they would say, “Having a working lunch.”

For the rest of us, that one hour plus round trip drive time allows us to clear our minds of corporate bile and do a little something for ourselves. If there’s a restaurant located immediately outside your office, don’t go there unless you want to commit relaxation suicide.

Nothing sours a lunch faster than spotting a co-worker at another table. If they’re sitting with somebody else, you may stand a chance. But what if they’re just chewing and staring straight ahead? Depending on how much food they have left on their plate and whether or not they hold a management position in the company, it is probably worth it to just chuck your lunch and buy a new one somewhere else.

Blend in as best you can.

The second part of lunch begins when you return to the office parking lot.

If a favorite song comes on the radio, sit and listen to it for as long as possible. If a song that is sort of okay comes on the radio, sit and listen to it for as long as possible. Check your Twitter app. Floss. This is called “multi-tasking” and is valued by employers.

And, depending on the layout of your building, multi-tasking involves parking far enough away to avoid being seen by those inside having a working lunch.

Written by Secretary4Life

Secretary4Life is an administrative assistant by day, and bored, frustrated, aspiring writer also by day. By night she complains about going back to work in the morning.

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