The Collared Sheep - A Cubicle Community

The Cubicle Pharmacy

McFly — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 13:35:49 +0000

This photo was sent to us with the description “My co-worker says he’s not addicted to caffeine.”

You be the judge.

What? No 5-Hour energy?

Other “Seen Around the Office” shots:

Do Yourself A Favor: Pay Attention To Interest Rates

Ryan Baker — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:02:52 +0000

Have you noticed how much interest you’ve earned on your savings account lately? If you haven’t, just wait until this time next month. You should be receiving a quarterly statement with your account summary.

You're lucky to get these from your savings account.

If you have noticed, you might’ve taken a gander at what else is out there. CDs. Money market accounts. These options have something big in common: They’re all yielding low interest rates and are doing little-to-nothing to grow your money.

Add insult to injury, if you factor in inflation (there’s that word, again) and the taxes you pay on any gains, you’ve actually lost money on the deal.

Yep…that’s a DAGGER.

Why? You see, the Fed is intent on keeping interest rates low. Its hope is that this will encourage banks to lend to businesses, for business to then hire, expand and grow, ultimately resulting in a boost in consumer spending – the primary driver of our economy.

When we reach a point where unemployment rates are at normal levels – approximately 5% – and consumers strike the appropriate balance of saving, investing, and spending, our economy can thrive and flourish once more.

But, of course, there are unintended results. Interest rates control the flow of money in the economy. High interest rates curb inflation, but also slow down the economy. Low interest rates stimulate the economy, but could lead to inflation.

Remember, none of the above is under our control. So, like I always say, focus on the things that are under your control. In this context, that would be identifying the appropriate places to put your money.

In reference to a past article discussing budgeting and cash flow management, the question that should be asked, is “what purpose does the money serve?” While asking that question, you also want to consider your where you are balance sheet wise.

1. Focus on your foundation

Probably not the best route to work.

Think of it like being at a circus and watch the trapeze artist walk to tightrope with no safety net. Your financial safety net would be to have things in place like, health insurance, emergency cash savings, and short & long-term disability insurance. Think of these things like the defensive strategies.

2. Invest for the future

Remember, invest for the goals that are furthest away because you can have the greatest impact them. Just remember my example of a snowball rolling down a 30 foot hill. The further up the hill you start your snowball (i.e., investing) the more you will have when you retire.

3. Beat inflation

If No.s 1 and 2 are in check, that means you have no useful purpose to hold liquid cash savings. Interest rates are low, you won’t earn anything, and you certainly won’t out pace inflation over time. In contrast, you don’t want to lock too many dollars away for the long-term. While saving for the long-run is important, you don’t necessarily want to lock away all of your money in places without access. So, that bring us to investing money in places where it won’t be locked up by tax or early withdrawal penalty, nor in a place will it will unlikely outpace inflation. The options you have available may fall into two categories: market based (e.g., stocks, mutual funds, commodities) & non-market based (e.g., permanent life insurance and real estate).

The long and short of our discussions on interest rates and inflation is that they should not be overlooked. In fact, those variables ultimately control how your money is working for you. And the decisions how your money should be allotted remain the same regardless of the economic climate.

Focus on the things you can control, and make sure you develop your financial household in an efficient and prudent manner.

Written by Ryan Baker

Ryan is a Financial Advisor in the Baltimore-Washington D.C. area. His focus is to help any and all of those who truly are hard working, committed to savings & investing for the present and future, and are open minded to professional advice and guidance, regardless of income level.

“Torpedo” Found at Construction Job Site

McFly — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:07:19 +0000

"Hey Bill, check it out, I'm da bomb...get it? get it?"

We’ve all stumbled across something rather unsettling at work. Perhaps it was the 6 month old lasagna left in the fridge. Maybe it was the “private” email your coworker left open on his screen when he stepped away for a moment. Or maybe it was the time you found a weapon of mass destruction?

Wait…did he just say weapon of mass destruction?

Yes. Yes, I did. Just ask PennDOT spokesman Charles Metzger, who found two men at a construction site in Philly sitting on one such bomb.

A bomb squad was dispatched to a Philadelphia construction site after someone found what turned out to be a nonfunctional replica of a torpedo. A transportation department archaeological team found two men sitting on the finned tube drinking beers on Friday morning.

Two men. Slamming down beers. In the morning. On a torpedo.

Now THAT is an occupational hazard in the making.

[Source: CBS3.com]

Woman Paid Over 12 Years Without Showing Up

Reply All — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:22:03 +0000

Ever wonder what it would feel like to sit on your ass and still get paid? Of course you do. That would be one ideal situation, just ask the actual Jersey Shore “Situation,” Mike Sorrentino.

An unnamed female employee working for the Norfolk Community Services Board now makes two. She was paid between $25,000 and $40,00 a year over a span of 12 years for doing nothing. Do the math and you are looking at $300,000 to $480,000 not including benefits to sit on your couch.

Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck... wait NEVERMIND.

I have one question, where is the guilt? I could see how maybe one month of extra pay after you quit could go under the radar, but 12 years? Who is the accountant on this job? Once you find that out, you will also find that person looking for a new job.

City Attorney Bernard Pishko has started looking for these answers. Unfortunately, there isn’t much to report. According to WAVY.com, he spoke to the employee who had “virtually no explanation” as to why she’s getting paychecks without actually working.

And the worst part: The Norfolk Community Services Board is funded by taxpayers.

Ouch. At least the City Attorney is looking to make a case to have her repay the free paychecks she received. Hopefully she didn’t spend it all in one place.

[Source: WWLP.com]

Does Your Performance Evaluation Need Improvement?

Secretary4Life — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:13:26 +0000

Twice a year HR forgets that they hired me to fill a mickey mouse position that even Mickey Mouse himself would find unchallenging, and presents me with five pages of employee performance evaluation statements upon which I must be rated. Suddenly all those months of tough guy talk and wishing that I could tell management exactly what I think go right out the window.

Honesty has no place on a performance evaluation unless you’re trying to get yourself fired. And if you’re trying to get yourself fired there are probably much cooler ways to do it. Therefore, you must lie about how much initiative you have and about your burning desire to grow within the company. Lying is not what I have an issue with. My problem is with the fact that 95% of the evaluation statements have absolutely nothing to do with my high school internship of a job. The questions were designed for employees with real responsibilities and real career goals. They were designed for people who have control over budgets and project scopes and who take clients out to the golf course and use phrases like “fire drill” and “skin the golden goose.”

You think I ever skinned a golden goose? Hell no. Only upper management is that sadistic. What I did do was book their tee time and then complain about it on Twitter. Those are my real responsibilities So, in order to help out HR who has apparently lost touch with reality, I have compiled a list of revised statements that I feel would more accurately measure my secretarial performance.

Current Statements	Revised Statements
Continually seeks to expand knowledge and understanding of the business.	Continually seeks to expand knowledge and understanding of management’s culinary preferences to ensure accurate ordering of “the usual.”
Shows enthusiasm and interest in work and new projects	Fakes enthusiasm and interest in new projects that are of no interest.
Understands project scope and budget prior to commencement of work.	Understands project scope and budget prior to commencement of work on company car at Jiffy Lube.
Responds to time sensitive requests in a prompt fashion.	Responds to time sensitive requests after hour and a half Chipotle lunch has been completed and digested.
Uses Internet effectively to pursue various types of research.	Uses Internet effectively to pursue various types of social networking. Protects privacy of the organization by adhering to a “code name” policy for all status updates.
Looks for opportunities to advise and train new staff.	Looks for opportunities to advise and train new staff on why they never should have left their last job.
Represents the organization with the utmost professionalism.	Represents the organization with the utmost professionalism when scheduling male boss’s cut and blow dry at Hair Force One.

Best case scenario, HR puts a big check mark next to “shows mediocre levels of initiative” in my permanent record.

A Crazy Idea Results in Lots of Work (By Others)

Reply All — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:48:45 +0000

It all starts with a crazy idea by upper management. A simple thought on a napkin can result in hours of work by others.

The person on the top didn’t get to that position by providing run-of-the-mill ideas. With that said, it is also obvious that these ideas don’t justify themselves. Someone has to do the legwork.

I was recently assigned the task to back-up one of these ideas. As the chain-of-command determined which team should be responsible, it eventually fell on me. Through an email, I could see the task bounce around all the way to the bottom… to me.

If only there were vacation giveaways.

Now don’t get me wrong, ideas spur innovation. The problem is, you have to go through a lot of different ideas to really find one that works. This means there is a lot of work done to support ideas that in the end, will not be put to use.

And of course, some ideas are better than others. Even if it seems impossible, the legwork and fetching must be done.

Good Boy! Go get that information!

At the end of the day, it’s of course better to be working on these mini-projects rather than not working at all. But damn it, sooner or later people are going to catch on and start calling me Fido. No one wants that.

Sometimes It’s Better to MINE Your Own Business

The Office Receptionist — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:08:29 +0000

Biggest news story ever?

It seems like everyone has an epic story of how they heard news Michael Jackson died. As for this radical receptionist, it was just another hot summer day in the office with an alarming twist. It’s fascinating to me that, next to Steven Slater, the King of Pop’s death is the only memory that I have in the past 18 months of discussing major news stories with my colleagues.

No talk of the wars. No talk of the Haiti’s earthquake. No talk of the debate of the controversial mosque in downtown Manhattan. I’ve always been a fan of getting to know people on a deeper level. However, it’s safe that say most people believe that there shouldn’t be this type of exchange in the workplace.

Then there are those in advertising…

Over the weekend I was catching up with my friend who works for a top advertising agency. We were talking about the most recent updates of the trapped Chilean miners (quite the cerebral friends we are!). She shared an odd question that came up between her coworkers:

“If you were stuck at work for 4-6 months and were so desperate that it came down to it, who would you eat first in the office?”

Ah, the good ol’ cannibalism conversation! Every office needs one, right? Should I mention they work on a cosmetic account? (Makeup can’t hide human consumption ladies!)

OK, well since this creepy discussion door is open…here’s my off color question? Do you think some one’s personality would have anything to do with their tastiness?

This took an awfully disgusting turn.

The human instinct would say “Go with the fattest person!”. But the fattest people are associated with being the laziest. You’d be trying to enjoy your first meal in weeks and all you could think is, “Ugh, I can just taste the toner cartridge that needs to be refilled and I know it’s not going to get done.”

On a serious note, I’m starting to think that it’s a good thing I don’t talk current events with the people in my office.

OK, on a more serious note: I speak for the whole office community in the world when I say we send our deepest, genuine concern for the unfortunate situation of the miners.

We can’t even fathom what’s its like to be stuck in a black hole with people you probably dislike in order to make a paycheck.

But let me offer one piece of advice for when you are rescued: Don’t look for a job in an office. You’re mental health will thank you later.

Written by The Office Receptionist

Receptionist Chronicles is written by New York City receptionist @officereception. In addition to this column, she tweets each day of her daily grind. Follow her here.

Website | Twitter

Asking For a Raise, Ladies? Don’t Forget Summer’s Eve

Von Kaiser — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:59:36 +0000

Click to get educated.

If you Google “How do I ask for a raise?” there seems to be a general school of thought.

1. Do you deserve a raise?

2. Make an argument for yourself.

3. Be confident.

But, those websites are missing a secret weapon, according to the folks at Summer’s Eve.

The gospel of raises, according to Summer's Eve.

What could this secret weapon be, you ask? It’s Summer’s Eve!

Apparently it’s vital to be as fresh as possible in all areas before going in and asking for the big pay day.

Just remember what mom always said. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and making sure you’re fresh down there is just as important as that!

Office Haiku: Snacks

David Cope — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:41:51 +0000

“I’ll Have a KFC Famous Bowl With a Side of Jaywalking Ticket”

Von Kaiser — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:46:34 +0000

Aren’t Monday lunch breaks always a little better than any other break during the week?

We hope "John" hasn't been hit with a ticket during lunch. (Picture from Rackspace's site)

That 30-60 minute respite from the harsh reality that it is indeed Monday is one of the finer moments of any work week. Especially if you’re going to crush some delicious and nutritious fast food.

I know the folks at Rackspace Hosting feel me. They’ve got a KFC and Burger King, among other establishments right across the street from their San Antonio-area headquarters.

But it’s not all combo meals and two apple pies for a buck come lunch time:

The city of Windcrest has come up with a novel approach to economic development: tagging folks who work at its prize employer, Rackspace Hosting Inc., for jaywalking across Walzem Road.

That would ruin a Monday. The police chief says the movement was over safety concerns about crossing seven lanes of traffic:

No way we're walking to a crosswalk when it's right there.

Does the top cop not realize it’s a Taco Bell and KFC?

Clearly he doesn’t. He said at a town meeting: “I think it’s just plain laziness of the folks that don’t want to walk from one end to the other.”

I’m sure it’s easy for that lame sheriff to send some deputy to go get him a panini from Panera. The rest of the working world has a limited amount of time to go get the food, consume and take a breath or two before taking more calls from dumb customers.

The going rate for a jaywalking ticket down there? $105 and a fast way to ruin your day. That’s a lot of $1 junior bacon cheeseburgers.

[Source: www.mysanantonio.com - Scott Stroud]

Infographic: Student Debt vs. Average Income

McFly — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:49:50 +0000

Many of us collared sheep put blood, sweat, and tears into earning a college degree. Those degrees helped put our rear ends in entry level corporate America.

Unfortunately, they also put our rears in debt – sometimes a lot of debt. Sometimes, so much that it’s hard to tell whether the price of higher education was worth it.

Thankfully, Kiplinger’s done the arithmetic to help us determine where the price of said education pays off.

[Source: Kiplinger.com]

5 Things a Good Cover Letter Should NOT Say

Karen Flowers — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:12:14 +0000

A resume is aimed at showing the employer how your experiences and credentials make you the perfect match for the job. A cover letter in turn should enhance that. So it’s natural for employers to expect a cover letter filled with only relevant information.

For your guidance, here are 5 things a good cover letter should NOT say:

1. Your Personal Objectives

You might think this is relevant, but leave this for the interview—and only if you’re asked. Think about it: if you ever needed a service, you wouldn’t select a provider who advertised their own needs and described how you can help them, right? It should be the other way around.

They don't have any and neither should you.

2. Candy Coated Lies

Don’t ever be tempted to misrepresent yourself for a job you’re dying to have by lining your cover letter with untruths. Be honest. If you ranked 1st for 3 consecutive months in sales achievement, don’t extend it to 6 months. Background checks are inevitable through the course of your employment don’t let exaggerations cost you an opportunity.

Wait, your telling me your entire life was a fraud?

3. Jokes or Anecdotes

This is not the time to show your sense of humor. Anecdotes are not appropriate as well. Stick with the purpose of explaining your qualifications and what value you bring to the company. Use a very professional tone in your cover letter. Let them see that you mean business.

I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the s#@$ out of their kids. (Not Cover Letter Material)

4. Wrong Information About the Company

It’s good to mention things you know about the company you want to work for. However, if information you mention are incorrect then you lose points for that. Conduct some thorough research before mentioning any information about the company in your cover letter.

If you are applying to Apple, know where to find the "files."

5. Lack of Experience

Yes, you have to be honest, but this is not the time to put your weaknesses in the spotlight. Don’t let these things define you. Should you get your foot in the door, you can use the opportunity to gain more experience, learn new skills and soon turn your weaknesses into strengths.

You might be a 13-years-old and have no clue about manufacturing but remember you can identify a damn good toy.

Because every reader has their own biases, it would be best not to include personal information as well. It would be good to break down your paragraph into different parts too so you won’t bore your reader and make your cover letter seem uninviting to read. Let your cover letter make your application shine; don’t let it be the reason for your application to get tossed out in the trash.

Written by Karen Flowers

Professional resume writer, Karen Flowers lives by the rule that an effective resume is the key to a successful job search. Her company, TheResumeChick.com, provides an affordable way to get effective, custom resumes in a jiffy. You can get more tips from her blog or simply follow her amusing factoids, discussions and articles on her Twitter.

Website | Twitter

Images and Captions by The Collared Sheep.

Write 500 Times: ‘I Will Not Lie About Sick Days Then Post Vacation Photos Online’

Von Kaiser — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:34:22 +0000

My dad once told me a story about when he first became a manager long ago. One of his employees came to him with vacation requests and had requested about six more days than the company allotted him. My dad inquired as to why he did that.

He said the employees very nonchalantly went through each day and when he got to the ones later in the year, he explained that he would be using his sick days for the final requested vacation of the year.

He was shocked at the honesty. Despite being up front, he had to burst the guy’s bubble. The employee said “Well, what if I would have just lied and called in sick?”

He obviously wouldn’t have been the first to ever do that. He also probably would have gotten away with it (my dad isn’t the doctor’s note type). This was probably 20 years ago, so it was a lot easier for morons to pull this off. Now, with Twitter and Facebook, it isn’t so easy. Just ask the NYC Department of Education:

More than a dozen Department of Education employees were busted in the past two years for faking illnesses to take paid vacations, records show.

According to the New York Daily News report, at least 13 teachers, aides and cooks (I wish my lunch lady was on Facebook back in the day) were busted and were either fired or paid some hefty fines for gloating about their dishonesty on “the social network.”

"Yes, you must write it 500 times, Robert."

Some specific cases:

The offense: Robert Nappo, who is a teacher & coach on Staten Island, and his wife, Cindy, who teaches in Brooklyn, each used five sick days to jet over to Aruba in 2008. They both had to fork over $7,500. Quite the extra bag fee.

Analysis: Robert told The Daily News: “”It’s unfair that gutless people who may have it in for you stoop so low to do something this.” No, Robert, what’s low is you being so hypocritical. My teachers would have been pissed to find out I was hanging at the beach when I was “sick” in high school.

The offense: Marci Marconi, an assistant school cook in Queens, used seven sick days for a Caribbean cruise. She was fired.

Analysis: How long was this cruise? Two weekends AND seven sick days? You better have a good story for being “sick” 11 days. Here’s the best part: She came back with a tan and one of those lame island hair braids. And the kids, who went to the school, were bragging to fellow students (because that’s what kids do). Who gives out the award for “Smartest school cook ever?”

The offense: Patricia and Robert De Pinto (pictured) were also hit with a $15,000 fine after they used some sick days to enjoy a honeymoon in Italy.

Analysis: Hope they asked for cash at the wedding.

For better or worse, Mrs. De Pinto!

The offense: Hesper Franklin, a paraprofessional (huh?), told the school system she injured herself while on a vacation to Trinidad and needed to extend her stay with sick days. She was fired.

Analysis: Seems harsh, no? Well, they looked into it and realized she had used sick days for the original trip. She told the Daily News “I just want my job back.” Well, Hesper, we don’t want such bright people around our youth.

If you don’t know the moral of the story, then you’re probably offspring of one of these education all stars.

So, if we learned anything here today, class, it’s that even the 75-year-old principal at your high school is on Facebook. Time to start cheating smarter.

[Source: The Daily News]