The Come On Man

Nal Sarovar, Gujarat, India

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 12 May 2018 04:17:00 +0000

As part of a trip to Gujarat in December 2017, to attend a friend's wedding in Ahmedabad, some friends and I decided to see bits of the rest of the state. If you live in Bangalore, travelling to Gujarat just for an occasion or just for the tourism is probably not worth it.

This is part 1 of n, where n TBD.

We were at Nal Sarovar early in the morning and very few people were around at the time. We didn't see any flamingoes either. That is not a comprehensive list of what we didn't see.

Birds, Except Seagulls

Let's get this out of the way first.

Naalsarovar has a lot of birds. You'd think that's expected of a place which has Bird Sanctuary at the end of it's name but how many tigers do you reckon people see at Jim Corbett? How many chips do you get from your packet of? How much ganja does Kunal have? Is Eden a hazard? Does Danny drink water? Whom does Kyle walk? Will Ashley still be young at 60? What did Luke do to make Ryan cross? What did Danny rise from? Have I made my point yet?

In spite of that, wildlife sanctuaries are like going to a museum. Unless you're really into it, you'll feel a moment of excitement when your eyes fall upon something which looks interesting, you'll pay some attention to some of the details, miss out most of them because neither you nor your companions know anything about it, maybe take a picture, linger for a few seconds before you move away ( or the animal / museum display moves away and you don't give chase; all motion is relative so it doesn't matter, ) and then forget whatever little you picked up.

Also, if it wasn't challenging enough taking pictures of birds, try taking them from a moving boat.

Bird 1
If we are pushing ahead with GMOs, may I suggest modifying all animals so that their cry is the same as their name?
It will save us the embarrassment of asking questions like whether anybody knows how to tell a stork from a crane.

Bird 2
A mermaid had sex with a sparrow.
A similar plotline has been reviewed by the NYT, so please contain your disdain for that idea.

Bird 3
Is that a mynah? Why is it even there?
A mynah at a bird sanctuary is like Mallika Sherawat at Cannes.
We've seen enough back home, and there's much better to see here.

Bird 4
Birds would do really well at that Russian folk dance where you crouch and
kick your legs out one by one while pulling off a cummerbund and a turban.

Birds 5 - 18 ( L to R )
This bird, the black dog, runs on the water when taking off.
That's one more trick than Jesus could do. Time to switch?
Dog and god have the same letters also so should be easy to change prayer lyrics.
Except it'd be Black God and I can imagine some folk having a problem with that.

Bird 19
Might be the same bird as 41.

Bird 20
Could be a stork or a crane.
Or some third thing.
No idea.

Bird 21
Have you played that game where you drop a penny in the water and then try to find it?
And when you can't find it, you realise you can't give up and leave it down there because you need the money?

Birds 22 - 38 ( L to R )
I waded through a lot of mud to get closer to them but they kept flying off.
I haven't felt that way since campus placements.

Bird 39 - 40 ( L to R )
Somebody's sleeping on the couch tonight.

Bird 41
Might be the same bird as 19.
Or just have the same taste in make up.

Bird 42
Sea perchin'

Bird 43
Neither a crane, nor a stork.
Pelican ( I think. )

Seagulls

Seagulls abound. For every one of a different bird specie that you see, you will probably see twenty seagulls.

They also seem really hungry and stupid. Just a throwing gesture drives them into a frenzy, and they don't learn from past instances of no food materialising from those throwing gestures and continue getting excited every time you do it. What we were feeling was probably what Narendra Modi feels like all the time. We were even in Gujarat.

However, we didn't try to subtly get the seagulls to attack other birds or not even issue a condemnation when some seagullts raped the chicks of other birds so there is still some bit of the experience that the Naalsarovar seagulls can't provide.

We did eventually throw them some morsels but made them earn it with mid-air catches, swift changes in direction, or really high throws.

Some of us use this sort of opportunity more constructively.

All the, "Aao. Aao." reminded me of Amrish Puri from DDLJ.

SRK and friends pestering Amrish Puri to sell them beer.
SRK grabbing the carton.

I haven't thought about this movie since I was about 7 and only just realised the complexity of
Amrish Puri's character - an orthodox Indian man, the sorts who promises friends that their kids
will get married to each other and is willing to move countries when his daughter falls in love
with another boy ( Indian, not white even, ) but also lives in England and sells alcohol for a living.

Punjab.

SRK leaning outside the door, steely-eyed, hand stretched.
Kajol getting distracted and stopping to grab a samosa.

Things Which Aren't Birds, Except The Boatboy

There is an island that your boatman will probably take you to where they serve some great food.
It's expensive but it's on an island. Think of it as a rustic pool party, if that helps.
And if you're there on a winter morning, you'll probably be cold and some hot food will help.

The travails of a travelling DP-seeker.

The DP.

A cubist interpretation of a tube man.

If you had to choose, piss in the pool or dung in the mud?
I'd choose dung in the mud.
Dung in the mud or Arnab Goswami in a media house?
Dung in the mud again.

The local prison for misbehaving animals.
The convicts are, quite literally, jail birds.

The Boatboy

Our boat-pilot (?) was Mohsin. He rowed the four of us around, pointed out various birds, told us about this and that, and negotiated an add-on package to show us a couple of more spots beyond the initially agreed deal.

He also seemed enthusiastic about photographs so I sent him some on WhatsApp. He then video called me on New Year's which is when I blocked him. At what point is a child with small town moorings old enough to either be called a creep or understand that us city types' friendliness is only a pretense to get discounts? If you happen to see him on your trip, please explain this to him. He may be old enough by then. Note that he is comfortable in Gujarati, and can manage Hindi.

Also, regarding the boating itself, there is no clear list of the duration, places, etc. for the amount you're handing over so this up to your bargaining skills.

Have you ever looked at something and wondered how many different butts that must have touched?
Harvey Weinstein, for instance.

Faking it as a Data Scientist

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 06 May 2018 07:35:00 +0000

In case this doesn't load well on phones, or if you generally prefer reading from source, here you go.

Agumbe, Karnataka, India - 2

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 17 Mar 2018 05:05:00 +0000

There is a Part 1. Hence the 2 in the title.

Kavaledurga

The remains of this fort are wrapped around a hill which makes for a nice, short trek up to the temple at the peak. There are a couple of spots midway where it looks like the trail ends but it doesn't. Don't let your unfit or pansy friends convince you otherwise.

I think there were five doorways on the way.
When you cross the third one, you can send this to the others who didn't make it.
Expect to receive of a few of these in return.

A solution, likely unpopular, to the seat up or down debate is no seat.
Similarly, my take on -
Cats or dogs? None.
Tea or coffee? None.
Friends or How I Met Your Mother? None.
Masjid or Mandir? None. Maybe a McDonald's to prevent people from secretly building one later.

The backdoor leads to that forest. What a great place for a break!
But the staff have so much stuff burning around them all
the time, they probably don't smoke cigarettes, no?
Temples could be a great test bed to see if the tea and snack based,
short break economy could survive in the absence of tobacco.

Rock boob.
The temple is barely there during the summer.

The drains are modelled after horses with a goatee.
They have one sided mood swings, alternating between a poker face and weeping.

Sort of like the view from Madonna's throat.
Do all her teeth have gaps or only the incisors at the front?

A friendzone threesome.
This could also be tessellated and extended with no limit in sight - the friendzone infinitsome.
It could also be built up in the third dimension to form a tetrahedral friendzone ninesome.

A specie that has life figured out, and a specie that's trying to get a new DP.

When none of your other friends are metrosexuals.

Back in those days, the municipal corporation could raze the king's
property if he had more floors built than what he had taken permissions for.
Now we can't even sort out the Orion Mall - storm water drain matter.

This scene was painful to take a picture of because the ground
isn't level and the pool isn't well aligned with the surroundings.
This is a recurring issue at so many Indian historical sites.
The ancient Indians didn't invent protractors.

The prince was probably one of those people who brag about how
many laps they swim without telling you the actual length they swam.

The trek ends at a tugboat sculpted out of rock.
This may look silly now but it could become a really cool novelty hotel after the sea levels have risen to this height.

You want to keep the boring, lime juice by two ordering old folk out?
Then put your cool nightclub at the end of such a staircase.
You want to keep the spending, drunk, young folk in? Same.

When you've been staring at someone and they suddenly turn to look at you, and then you
turn your head too, pretending you're looking for whatever the other person is looking at.

Have you ever wondered why humans have butt cheeks but so many animals don't?
And have you ever hoped we lose them so that nobody can twerk again?

Kapu Beach

Our bus back was from Udupi so we decided to head to Kapu beach in the afternoon. It is a 20 minute walk from the nearest bust stop on the highway, through roads with apartment complexes in the background, lots of greenery on the side, and autos ferrying people who want to go to Kapu beach but don't want to walk it.

Three of them have to stand one on top of each other on the seat to reach the steering.

When your marketing budget is low and you can't afford anything
more than your teenage son making your advertisements for you.

Translation - if you see a boy defecating, slap him on the cock, make him your bitch, and walk away.

The beach is like the relationship of a real estate mogul who married a hot, young thing but couldn't keep her satisfied.
One half has the shops, restaurants, people, the lighthouse, etc. The other half has crabs.

If you aren't confident about going into the sea so you can come to this shallow pond instead.
It is a few hundred metres downstream of a floating garbage patch which is as much as you deserve for being a wuss.

For his sake, I hope he's just lost.
The most famous case of someone getting transfixed to his own reflection ended in his suicide.

Someone's going to very disappointed when they find out it's really fine sand and not cocaine.

How I want women to feel when they meet me.

How women probably feel when they meet me.

Agumbe, Karnataka, India - 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 18:43:00 +0000

Part 2 covers the Kavaledurga fort and a detour to Kaup Beach.

Agumbe, also known as the Cherrapunji of the South, is a small village about 3 hours in a bus from Mangalore. It's the sort of place where you could sit by yourself at a town square not doing anything, waiting for someone to join you, or plotting world destruction when suddenly, if the nickname is justified, it rains 15 cms and you catch a cold and are in bed for two weeks.

Homestay

The homestay we stayed at was located some 10 or so kms away from Agumbe but was within a 15 minute walk to the bus station and the highway so connectivity wasn't a problem. You can play slightly contained one tip one hand cricket in the courtyard and they won't complain about the flowers, plants, etc. getting damaged. And the fish will have lots of bones.

This was the terrace.
The homestay itself is more welcoming.

"Soaring real estate prices? Bumper to bumper traffic?
I think I'd be perfectly fine in Bangalore."

"I'm a celebrity. Miley Cyrus wrote a song about me. It's an embarrassing source of fame but if not for that,
I'd be a nobody and would have to claim that Selena Gomez wrote a song about me. Rather MC than SG."

"... and my door bell would play Nobody's Home.
And my ring tone would be Nobody's listening."

"Lizards falling of the ceiling? It is not an accident. We're merely taking a shortcut.
Wasn't it one of yours, Haldane maybe, who wrote about mouses getting a shock,
rats getting killed, humans breaking, and horses splashing? Well, lizards < mice, so."

"Truce. I'm on a diet."
"Truce. He's on a diet."

Sunset Point

The hills roll out in front of you and there is quite a bit of greenery so it might be a nice view if you could see the sun. There isn't much else happening there.

Doddamane

The place where some portions of Malgudi Days was shot is now a pay-what-you-want restaurant. And maybe a homestay.

You need to call ahead and reserve a spot. The food was simple, home-made, and good but nobody really shows you around now now is there any obvious Malgudi Days memorabilia so it's pretty much like any another restaurant in a way but for the hosts who were quite chatty. I should have just whistled the tune as I walked around.

River Front
( None of us can remember the name of the place )

Everybody has their own way of enjoying the riverbank

Agumbe Rainforest Research Institute

This is a privately run research station where academically interested folks come and stay while they carry out their studies. Visitors can also stay or just come and take a walk and try and spot creatures and hope someone gets bitten or stung for the entertainment it will provide.

Feet planted firmly on the ground.
If it were leather, you would have suspected the mammal gang to have placed this here to trigger unrest.

If an evolutionary anomaly were to occur and an animal were into BDSM, god has provided for them too.

Elephants are magical creatures that eat leaves and convert them to fibrous fudge brownies.
Probably why everybody is worried about elephant poaching.
Ivory too.

Urbanisation.

Small time bloggers don't need to have statuary warnings about the harmful effects of smoking.
Or a recording of the national anthem at the beginning of the post.
What a great country!

The horns look badass but they are actually really soft and polite.
One of them even made way for the other.

"My knees are killing me."

"My band once played Winds of Change.
We consumed lots of beans before the performance and then kept farting and throwing coins into the crowd."

"Dew drops every morning! How am I supposed to trap my food when the dew drops mark out the damn trap!
I spend most of the morning cleaning it up. Food gets caught only in the afternoon but all the
fresh stuff is snapped up by then and only the stale student, drunkard sorts are left by then.
Swiggy, UberEATS, etc. have nothing for me nor do they cover this area."

"Who let Mr. Morrison be The Lizard King? Were any of the lizards consulted?
Can he even do anything? Basic lizard stuff - can he catch a fly with his tongue?
What about changing his colour? Or regrowing his tail? Ha! I didn't think so."

"When I was a tadpole, my cousins played a really cruel joke on me.
They told me that to ward off bad luck in a leap year we lock ourselves in our
rooms at the crack of dawn on the leap day, and jump the whole day until sunset.
I was really tired soon after sunrise but I kept jumping. I didn't want my family
to come under a car or something just because I couldn't jump for a few hours.
Thankfully, the folk downstairs called my parents to complain about the thumping sound coming from my room."

"Snakes have no problem posing in the nude. We're very comfortable in our skin.
When we aren't, we just shed it and move into a new one."

"I'm not giving you another line for your stupid blog just because you're clicking a picture from a different angle."

Dead toenail. Killed during a football game.
Its last words were probably, 'Motherfu...'

"An exoskeleton makes it easier to get away with, not fat, just big boned."

"If we had the body, we would have made a killing as pole dancers."

"It took 13 cosmetic surgeries but I finally look like my idol, Justin Creeper."

"It's going to be a missed call and they won't get a call back."

Kundadri

Kundadri apparently offers a trek but being unaware of this until after the trip, we ended up going all the way in a car.

Spot the future BJP member.
Also, part 1 of an ad for condoms.

And part 2 of the ad for condoms.

In a moment of weakness, this man could succumb to the temptation to do DeNiro
from Taxi Driver, leaving the person at the other end of the phone call very confused.

This is the inner sanctum of the Jain temple at the top.
Self-fulfilling for Jains who are praying for a cure to their claustrophobia.

Synopsis: Zero One Two

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 15:57:00 +0000

Peter Spiel wanted to put out a list of bullet points ( list 1 ). Publishing it as it is would have come across as tacky so he decided to mix list 1 with another list of bullet points ( list 2 ) and make it look like he was publishing list 2. He then stretched and contorted the merged list into slightly rambling sentences to make it harder to spot list 1. For the final step in this plan, he decided to deliver these sentences as part of a series of guest lectures, and fortunately found an impressionable, young student, Blab Masters, who wrote it out into a 150 page book. List details below.

The publication might be sponsored by Microsoft which would explain the forced SmartArt product placement.

Did you know?

The title represents the number of lists that should have existed, the number that the author wanted to bring to existence, and the number that were finally created. Much like start ups.

List 1: Mr. Spiel's achievements, and any references and stabs at humour he could string along to look cool.

Some examples of possible self-aggrandising words are: I, Paypal, Tesla, Facebook, Stanford, Palantir, LinkedIn, Darwin, SpaceX, Oedipus, Nietzsche, Tolstoy, Faust, Wagner, and Tolkien. Just these 15 examples have about 250 occurrences in a 40,000 word book. If you assume 10 words to a sentence, and each occurrence of any of those words belonging to a sentence of their own, that's more than 5% of the book already.

Additionally, some examples of the stabs at humour below, and just these three account for another 0.15% of the book -

"Every week, dozens of new startups competed to throw the most lavish launch party. (Landing parties were much more rare.)"

40,000 words is inferred from a count of the number of spaces. For instance, 'much more rare,' could have just been, 'rarer,' and that really should count as only 1 word instead of 3.
"All Rhodes Scholars had a great future in their past."

Sour grapes? Or just the same superiority complex that runs through the rest of the book?
"[T]he U.S. Treasury prints “In God We Trust” on the dollar; the ECB ( European Central Bank ) might as well print “Kick the Can Down the Road” on the euro."

They both sound the same to me.

List 2: a lot of eye-rolling-ly obvious advice, overtly simplified frameworks, and nonsensical inspirational lines. With this list, the diabolical Mr. Spiel targets entrepreneurs, a section of society highly vulnerable to self-help and advice, who fail to spot the ruse.

Examples include -

"In the most minimal sense, the future is simply the set of all moments yet to come."

Designer talk meets nerd talk meets poet talk. Mr. Spiel couldn't help showing off in list 2 also.
"All salesmen are actors."

This is a corollary of Shakespeare's more general assertion from back in the 16th century. No credits or references were given. Possible case of plagiarism.
"It begins by rejecting the unjust tyranny of Chance. You are not a lottery ticket."

And now nobody wants to work with Chance the Rapper anymore.
Spiel's opinion that, "...computers are complements for humans, not substitutes," which immediately, and without any other supporting argument, leads him to proclaim that, "The most valuable businesses of coming decades will be built by entrepreneurs who seek to empower people rather than try to make them obsolete."
"Sales matters just as much as product."

More, I would have thought? Maybe even most?
"But the reality is much more binary than that."

Binary is a rather absolute concept. You'd expect a man advocating technology as a route to the future to be aware of this.
"Belief in secrets is an effective truth."

If the meaning of that is a secret then this is very meta. And a misplaced Machiavelli reference maybe?
"Starting a new South Indian restaurant [ in Palo Alto ] is a really hard way to make money."

You could start the bare minimum of South Indian restaurants just idling. That doesn't sound very hard, right? The tougher dosaing, vadaing, etc. could be pushed to a later stage.

Inspired by and heavily borrowed from: Zero To One

Synopsis: How to Add as a Friend or Become an Influencer

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 21 Oct 2017 07:53:00 +0000

Part 1:

One of the biggest problems straight men face is crossing the threshold to add a woman as a friend on Facebook. This book offers all the tips needed to accomplish this - be nice, be charming, don't be a creep, don't send dick pictures, don't be in it just for sex, etc. Basically the reader needs to not be the person he is and be a different person altogether. That's how most straight men - women friendships are formed.

For any other ( gender, orientation ) - ( gender, orientation ) situation, just go ahead and click on that add as friend button.

Part 2:

If you ignore the details, all social networks are just better connected versions of a human centipede. LinkedIn rewards people with tasty diarrhea on their network with the title of Influencer.

To become one, you need to cleverly copy bits from The Economist, Bloomsberg, etc. and put them together to make it sound like an original piece. You must have at least one piece on how AI is going to affect something, doesn't matter what it is or whether you know anything about AI. You need to go and comment on the pieces published by your peers because you need them to come back and comment on yours. A nice touch to add is to have a picture of you wearing crisp formals and smiling confidently at the camera as your profile picture.

Meanwhile, nobody else has logged in to LinkedIn in months.

Inspired by: How to Win Friends and Influence People

Kochi, Kerala, India

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 22:40:00 +0000

I was in Kochi some months back to attend another friend's wedding. We went through the food, pretended we were part of another group which, unlike us, had got a gift for the couple, got our picture clicked onstage with that group, and then headed out.

It was between swallowing pride and letting it say alchol or typing out prohibited in Malayalam again.

Vypin Beach

The beach is where I discovered that one of my lenses was broken. That, combined with a low sun, resulted in my pictures looking like they were clicked with an alien invasion underway in the background. It couldn't have been us considering that we were only four in number and one of us even had Kerala connections, although it was Palakkad. If we'd dressed up better for the wedding, we could have also claimed that we came in a two piece and conveniently mumbled the 'a two' part. Actually, we didn't have to do all that. We could have just said we came in peace. It's not like we didn't come in peace.

Kochi has other beaches by the way, some of which are much closer to the city too.

Caught the one on the left in the middle of being beamed up.
Beaming up failed and now that's the aspect ratio he's stuck with.

That glow will keep growing and soon encapsulate everything and turn every living thing to vapour and ashes.
Except, obviously, tardigrades. The next day they'll be like, "Where is everybody?"
Concern will slowly give way to truimphant bitching about how they hated the rest of us anyway.

The sea could be solidified granite.
I'd love to see the expression on Moses' face when this refused to split.
The Arabian Sea bed would have been a very long walk anyway.
Might explain why there as so few Jews around?

Captain Planet came under a road roller.

Uttaranchal POV looking at UP.

Fort Kochi and Jew Town

I wasn't sure where Jew Town started and ended exactly so this goes in with the rest of the island.

Bonus section
Being a nice, soft sounding word of just one syllable, it's very easy to do Jew puns -

What did Anne's friend say to her when she was leaving for her tuiton with her siblings?
Byju's.

What did Woody's wife ask the maid after she returned from a long trip?
Did Jew miss me?

What did the doctor say when Scarlett complained about a fungal infection?
Mild Jew?

An Albert collective pooled in all their art to start this.
Or they missed the apostrophe on the Albert.

A mirror on a tree has to be a remnant of a barber shop.
Business must have been boosted by having the eye brows and hairlines appear closer than they were.

A transformer and an ent had a baby who didn't want any of the excitement as her parents.
A quiet life and a career in real estate suited her just fine.

One of the friends was wearing a t-shirt by a brand which had unfortunately decided to call itself Spunk.
In hindsight, we should have gone to this restaurant for lunch. They might have given us a discount.

Prosecuted is spelt procecuted, okay, but why is it in sing-song?
The person painting the sign was probably under the influence of alcohol, unaware that it was prohibited.

In Delhi, this word was used for a horny woman.
It also conveniently rhymes with dhadkan, which means heartbeat.
It deserves to be a part of of a lot more lyrics than the 0 songs it is at right now.

If a graph theorist repainted The Last Supper.

It's harder to fit, "Day To Mark the End of Another Year You Haven't Been King For."

Santa Cruz Basilica

There was a really big church which we couldn't go around a lot because mass was underway. This is another show of the double standards we have in society - when mass is happening in church, it needs to be respected but when mass is happening in people, it can be made fun of.

Every time I look at a church, I think adding some really wide
wings to it, would make for a very interesting looking aircraft.

Every high school maths teacher right before the calculus lessons to the commerce kids.

Kerala Kathakali Centre

It's basically a bunch of curios lying around and an auditorium where they apparently schedule performances if at least eight people buy tickets, or something along those lines. You could check their website before heading there.

When your Kathakali performance involves portraying a character who is stoned.

A really good actor can emote with just his double chin.

The Indo-Portugese Museum

The museum makes for an interesting tour with lots of tidbits from earlier centuries. Photography was not allowed.

Chinese Fishing Nets

These are the symbols of Cochin apparently. In fact, one of the proposed origins of the name, Cochin, is that it was originally co-Chin which translates to, 'like China'.

The locals must have been so gullible. They probably had no idea what China even looks like. Except for this dimsum place we grabbed a snack at, the similarity with China wasn't obvious to me either. Unless of course they installed the nets first and then put spin on the obvious similarity to make it sound like a discovery. The second theory gather weight once you factor in that it was the Chinese who named it co-Chin.

One possibility behind the acceptance is that their earlier name was too long and given the clear lack of good spellers they had to keep doing their letterheads over and over again which added to the budget. This shorter name, irrespective of what it was, was welcome. If it were left to me, I'd rename Kota as Cochin, and the Cochin could then be called whatever it wanted to be called.

Looking at it, I get the feeling that they work like chopsticks.
I'm going to call them co-chopsticks.

Koshi Art Cafe

Our stop for lunch was probably severely over-priced by Kochi standards but very affordable by Bangalore standards. I've since been told this is a very mainstream-ey restaurant and there are better, cheaper options.

What the corporate hierarchy feels like at banks.
Even the guy doing photocopies is a vice president.

The person in the background is the Spunk t-shirt wearer.
Just remembered how he is also the co-founder of a company
that is trying to make sanitary pads more accessible.
It makes sense now.

No amount of nudging or prodding or poking got this cat to move away.
A couple of months later, Richard Thaler, the nudge theory guy, wins a Nobel prize.
Exactly the sort of thing that makes me wonder whether I should have my hypothetical children vaccinated or not,

Burning Man or Burnt Man?
Coachella or Kochi?

All this recent hype about AI? It's all because of a technique called deep learning.
To the, uhm, untrained eye, this is what deep learning looks like.

Elephant Sightings

One with a mat finish.

Patchyderm.

Kate Moss.

The ancient Hindus invented plus sized models.

Ginger Cafe

It's just like regular food except the hair you find in the food is red. It's also expensive because they have an antique store boutique sort of thing attached to the restaurant.

With this government's emphasis on yoga, even mermaids have to do surya namaskars.
They can't do all the asanas, so the ones they can manage, they have to do for longer.

The ancient Hindus invented serial killers.

Line it with some bar stools and it's a party boat.

Gingers might be secretly building a Death Star-like weapon.
Maybe it is to teleport them to their home planet,
Mars, and it just hasn't come directly overhead yet?
I hope Elon Musk knows about this.
Wait, what if Elon Musk's hair is dyed?
And maybe he's actively sabotaging SpaceX?
So he can lead a race of only gingers on Mars?

To answer the question posed by the Arctic Monkeys to the rest of us, even if rhetorical, if
they were pleasant, and if they could have a laugh, then they'd look like this and nobody would
really take them seriously and that would defeat the purpose of having them in the first place.

Mattancherry Palace

The palace, also known as The Dutch Palace, has lots of glorious murals of ancient Hindu stories which do a great job of reminding you how disconnected you are from your own culture. They also have these signs which make you not regret the disconnect from our own culture as much.

Photography not allowed again.

We weren't approved guides but we went in anyway.

At least two of us weren't Hindus but we went in anyway.

Pardesi Synagogue

It's a very old synagogue, which didn't permit photographs either. We were there for a good half hour, and also tried to find a floor tile which was a duplicate of any other floor tile to counter their claim that all the tiles were unique, but didn't bump into any famous Jews there so that was a little disappointing though. However, ticket prices would probably be higher if they could guarantee celebrity run ins.

Lulu Mall

At the end of the two days, we copped out and ended up going to this famous mall. No regrets because Paragon served the best appam-stew I've ever had. Photography was allowed for a change, but there wasn't much to photograph.

If anybody has contacts in Sparky's, please let me know.
I should be collecting some money from them for this product placement.

While We Were Getting Around

Don't you have to wear seatbelts in ferries?

There is a Counter Strike map inspiration to be had here.

At the bus pick up point, noticed that Modi now grants franchises.
It's ridiculous, the extent to which this government will go to supplant the constitution.

Coorg, Karnataka, India - 3

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 30 Sep 2017 19:29:00 +0000

Continued from part 1, and part 2 and right after this -

That would have discouraged many but not me. Being a critical acclaim > popularity sort of guy, I'm going to continue writing anyway. I haven't impressed any women enough to get asked out or even stalked so can't give up after only about a decade of trying.

( If you are aware of someone stalking me, please let me know ASAP. Writing takes up a lot of time which could instead be invested in exercise, grooming, and interacting with other human beings. )

Now the actual post -

The last day, on our way to Bangalore, we stopped at:

Madikeri fort, which seemed to be just a walk on a fortress wall which you can skip if you don't have the time,
Raja's seat, which is a nice stroll and a toy train ride and a view point but nothing you will regret missing,
Nisargadhama Island, which you should avoid, and
Bylakuppe, which is worth the time spent but can also be visited from Mysore.

Most of the pictures look like they could be from anywhere for a reason. This is going to be the most disappointing post of the series.

In and Around Town

Even if they take dog off the menu, they might not be able to take dog off the table.

A great way to spot strangers who are trying to become a part
of your group. Or prevent that from happening altogether.
( Portrait is most suitable for surreptitious pictures. Apologies. )

A demonstration of the de Broglie hypothesis.

Madikeri Fort

Repeat after me, the grass isn't green on any side.

These elephants have clearly seen things. With their memory, you can't forget the things that you want to forget.
Which might be why standard coping mechanism of getting drunk
and going on rampage shows up in the papers every now and then.

Raja's Seat

Bangle ooru.

Wasn't there an Angel di Maria to Barca rumour before the Dembele deal?

T-rexes would have struggled with selfies.
And their food pictures would have been too gory.
I'd call that Intelligent Design.

The number of telescopic lenses that must have been pointed at that house
and ended up missing the huge bacteriophage right under their noses

What I thought Melanie Hamrick would feel like if Mick Jagger managed to survive for some more years.
But apparently he's still capable of impregnating her so maybe I'm wrong.

It looks even more juvenile if you aren't coordinated.
And even more juvenile if you never learnt how to jump.

Nisargadhama

The ancient Hindus invented breast pumps. And, looking at those expressions, also seem to have
had a competitive sport which involved sticking them on to other women against their will.

The composition and attitudes of the team in every group project I've ever worked on.

When you promised your children waterfalls, but forgot it was summer.

Bringing back memories of the question that everyone hoped for in eight grade biology exams.

Bylakuppe

I didn't take too many pictures inside Bylakuppe. Some temples have those sort of rules. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't. I thought Buddhists were chilled out people until this Myanmar Rohingya thing.

The temple itself is level. I was just being very lazy with the pictures.

In this one, I wasn't in the centre.

Thank god for the sloping roof on this corridor.

Coorg, Karnataka, India - 2

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 10:38:00 +0000

Continued from part 1. Part 3 after this.

Tadiyanmol

On day 2, we set out for Tadiyandmol early in the morning. The trek itself was going to last till the afternoon after which the plan was to visit Nalknad Palace, a small palace near the starting point of the trek. I say small because it is probably rude to say that I've seen bigger houses. It is, however, a quaint bit of work and fun to peek in and around for a few minutes. Photography was prohibited in there.

Going up and coming down is about 15 kms so refuse to share your water with anyone else who asks for it. They should have gotten their own. Don't mistake this as me goading you to resort to random meanness. You will meet many such people. That and people wearing footwear extremely ill-suited to treks.

Accuse the more persistent / beseeeching ones of belonging to Tamil Nadu and start chanting Cauvery namdu very loudly. At that point a mob of locals should gather and start setting fires to tyres and you should be able to make good your escape in that melee.

From the scrotum texture rejects file.

Have you ever had neighbours you hated so much that you wished you could direct a minor landslide at them?

This fly / bee / whatever's favourite band?
The White Stripes.

This bug's favourite band?
I don't think it has a favourite band. It's a bug. Don't be ridiculous. They probably don't even have ears.

In a parallel universe, where more women desire me than I can manage,
my parallel self is whining to his friends, 'Plenty of leeches in the forest.'

Smoke signals which translate to, "Look everybody! More idiots climbing up
the mountain in the hot sun for <air quotes>leisure</air quotes>! Hahaha!"

Because of the thinner atmosphere at that altitude,
farts can double up as effective short distance propulsion systems.

In the event of some sort of tragedy, ensure that you or your body can be spotted.

When trying to find a mate, leave no stone unturned.

Trying to find a good, cheap, North Indian food place in Bangalore.

If you get bored on your way down and start jogging to get there faster, it's a little hard to slow down and stop.
Plan B is taking a right and trying to stop later. If that fails and you go left, you'll fall off the edge.
We had the good fortune of witnessing a fat person fail at plan A, panic, and finally roll to a stop.

With so much light pollution, we only have the mountains to make us feel small.
And data from the rest of the world about how big they are.

Our very own flag raising at Iwo Jima

This could have been the nicest toilet except the seat would have gotten unbearably cold.

The exploratory parts around the peak can separate the different levels of enthusiasm and life expectancy.

If swimming pools have urine in them, and since they are part of the
water cycle, shouldn't rains and clouds and fog also have urine?

On the way down, everyone wants to get back except that one
guy who wants to practice his Christ the Redeemer impressions.

Fantasy Football - 9: Three at the Back vs. Value for Money

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 05 Aug 2017 07:56:00 +0000

( Code hosted on the Github repo)

There has been a lot of talk about defenders being better value for money than midfielders and forwards. I'd written a post about the optimal team configuration a long time ago and since it was only one season of data, I thought I'd just check it again.

Assumptions 1:

I removed Chelsea and Leicester from 15/16 because of how unlikely both their performances were. Sure, there are swings in the table but those two teams in that season was a little too much. I feel the results are more representative without them.
Points per match is probably a better metric than total points but the historic data doesn't have a mention of matches started so we'll have to make do with total points. To minimise the effect, I have taken players that played at least 1710 minutes (19 matches of 90 minutes) and hope that the patterns observed also extend to all the players put together.
The data exposed is only for players active in the current season. This means that players who played in earlier seasons but have since left the EPL are not considered in the analysis for their
respective seasons.
Players get their positions changed over seasons. This is too small in number to worry about.

Value for money by position

If you force a linear relation between price and total points, goalkeepers, midfielders and forwards seem pretty tight together at about 15 points per pound, 15 points per pound, and 12 points per pound respectively. Defense, interestingly, seems to be rising every year with the last two years being well clear of the other positions. However the r-square values seem to be much better for midfielders and forwards indicating that the trend is more reliable for them than defenders or goalkepers.

In the last season, considering defenders offered much better value per pound of starting cost than the other positions, it seems it would make sense to pick expensive defenders and then pick cheaper players in the other positions. But since the trend in the value per pound is unreliable, maybe it is safer to pick more midfielders and forwards?

You can poke around in the following charts which offer a more detailed view into the data. The trends are drawn without the Chelsea and Leicester players from 15/16 even though they appear on the charts.

Assumptions 2:

Picking one static team at the start of the season which stays throughout the year.
No captaincy concept.
18m set aside for substitutes, which means I can select a team costing 82m at most.
Players get their positions changed over seasons but for my convenience, I'm going to ignore that this happens.

Optimal team configs

What we care about eventually though is the points total so I tried to find the best team I could have picked. I then removed all the players who figure in the best team from the dataset, and picked the next best team. I picked a total of 5 teams like this.

Itern	DEF	FWD	GKP	MID
1	Kyle Walker (26 ppp @ 5.5), Gary Cahill (30 ppp @ 6), Marcos Alonso (30 ppp @ 6)	Romelu Lukaku (25 ppp @ 9), Joshua King (32 ppp @ 5.5)	Tom Heaton (33 ppp @ 4.5)	Alexis Sánchez (24 ppp @ 11), Gylfi Sigurdsson (24 ppp @ 7.5), Christian Eriksen (26 ppp @ 8.5), Bamidele Alli (26 ppp @ 8.5), Eden Hazard (22 ppp @ 10)
2	Gareth McAuley (29 ppp @ 4.5), César Azpilicueta (28 ppp @ 6), Leighton Baines (25 ppp @ 5.5)	Roberto Firmino (21 ppp @ 8.5), Harry Kane (20 ppp @ 11), Diego Da Silva Costa (21 ppp @ 9.5)	Hugo Lloris (26 ppp @ 5.5)	Philippe Coutinho (21 ppp @ 8), Kevin De Bruyne (19 ppp @ 10.5), Heung-Min Son (23 ppp @ 7.5), Wilfried Zaha (27 ppp @ 5.5)
3	James Milner (21 ppp @ 6.5), Charlie Daniels (27 ppp @ 5), Seamus Coleman (24 ppp @ 5.5)	Sergio Agüero (13 ppp @ 13), Fernando Llorente (22 ppp @ 6.5), Jermain Defoe (24 ppp @ 7)	Thibaut Courtois (26 ppp @ 5.5)	Mesut Özil (18 ppp @ 9.5), Georginio Wijnaldum (19 ppp @ 8), Raheem Sterling (19 ppp @ 8), Pedro Rodríguez Ledesma (22 ppp @ 7.5)
4	Nathaniel Clyne (23 ppp @ 5.5), David Luiz Moreira Marinho (22 ppp @ 6), Ashley Williams (25 ppp @ 5)	Christian Benteke (18 ppp @ 7.5), Jamie Vardy (16 ppp @ 10)	David de Gea (25 ppp @ 5.5)	Adam Lallana (20 ppp @ 7), Sadio Mané (17 ppp @ 9), Robert Snodgrass (24 ppp @ 5.5), Manuel Lanzini (20 ppp @ 6.5), Ross Barkley (19 ppp @ 7.5)
5	Laurent Koscielny (20 ppp @ 6), Ryan Bertrand (22 ppp @ 5.5), Jan Vertonghen (23 ppp @ 5.5)	Troy Deeney (19 ppp @ 7), Sam Vokes (20 ppp @ 6)	Fraser Forster (27 ppp @ 5)	Theo Walcott (16 ppp @ 7.5), David Silva (14 ppp @ 9), Nathan Redmond (21 ppp @ 6), Etienne Capoue (29 ppp @ 4.5), Michail Antonio (19 ppp @ 7)

Itern	start cost	total points	DEF avg cost	FWD avg cost	GKP avg cost	MID avg cost	DEF count	FWD count	GKP count	MID count
1	82	2157	5.8	7.2	4.5	9.1	3	2	1	5
2	82	1872	5.3	9.7	5.5	7.9	3	3	1	4
3	82	1661	5.7	8.8	5.5	8.2	3	3	1	4
4	75	1526	5.5	8.8	5.5	7.1	3	2	1	5
5	69	1396	5.7	6.5	5	6.8	3	2	1	5

All the teams had 3 at the back but the combination seems to consist of premium defenders and at least one of the midfielders or forwards being a mid/low-budget option who is punching above his weight. It isn't easy to spot these low cost - high points players so being realistic, what if we remove some of the exceptional performers? I pick exceptional players as players at least 30 points per pound above what the earlier linear regression predicts for them.

Itern	DEF	FWD	GKP	MID
1	James Milner (21 ppp @ 6.5), Leighton Baines (25 ppp @ 5.5), Seamus Coleman (24 ppp @ 5.5)	Roberto Firmino (21 ppp @ 8.5), Jermain Defoe (24 ppp @ 7), Diego Da Silva Costa (21 ppp @ 9.5)	Hugo Lloris (26 ppp @ 5.5)	Philippe Coutinho (21 ppp @ 8), Raheem Sterling (19 ppp @ 8), Kevin De Bruyne (19 ppp @ 10.5), Pedro Rodríguez Ledesma (22 ppp @ 7.5)
2	Nathaniel Clyne (23 ppp @ 5.5), Jan Vertonghen (23 ppp @ 5.5), David Luiz Moreira Marinho (22 ppp @ 6)	Sergio Agüero (13 ppp @ 13), Fernando Llorente (22 ppp @ 6.5)	Thibaut Courtois (26 ppp @ 5.5)	Mesut Özil (18 ppp @ 9.5), Sadio Mané (17 ppp @ 9), Georginio Wijnaldum (19 ppp @ 8), Nathan Redmond (21 ppp @ 6), Ross Barkley (19 ppp @ 7.5)
3	Laurent Koscielny (20 ppp @ 6), Ryan Bertrand (22 ppp @ 5.5), Toby Alderweireld (18 ppp @ 6.5)	Troy Deeney (19 ppp @ 7), Christian Benteke (18 ppp @ 7.5), Jamie Vardy (16 ppp @ 10)	David de Gea (25 ppp @ 5.5)	Adam Lallana (20 ppp @ 7), David Silva (14 ppp @ 9), Manuel Lanzini (20 ppp @ 6.5), Michail Antonio (19 ppp @ 7)
4	Héctor Bellerín (18 ppp @ 6.5), Nacho Monreal (19 ppp @ 6), Antonio Valencia (22 ppp @ 5.5)	Salomón Rondón (18 ppp @ 6.5), Sam Vokes (20 ppp @ 6)	Fraser Forster (27 ppp @ 5)	Theo Walcott (16 ppp @ 7.5), Marko Arnautovic (16 ppp @ 7.5), Cesc Fàbregas (16 ppp @ 7.5), Kevin Mirallas (18 ppp @ 6.5), Riyad Mahrez (13 ppp @ 9.5)
5	Dejan Lovren (21 ppp @ 5), Steve Cook (22 ppp @ 5), Michael Keane (23 ppp @ 5)	Olivier Giroud (13 ppp @ 9), Andre Gray (17 ppp @ 6.5)	Petr Cech (24 ppp @ 5.5)	Paul Pogba (14 ppp @ 8.5), Nacer Chadli (17 ppp @ 6.5), Matt Phillips (21 ppp @ 5.5), Willian Borges Da Silva (15 ppp @ 7.5), Andros Townsend (18 ppp @ 6.5)

Itern	start cost	total points	DEF avg cost	FWD avg cost	GKP avg cost	MID avg cost	DEF count	FWD count	GKP count	MID count
1	82	1773	5.8	8.3	5.5	8.5	3	3	1	4
2	82	1591	5.7	9.8	5.5	8	3	2	1	5
3	77.5	1461	6	8.2	5.5	7.4	3	3	1	4
4	74	1326	6	6.2	5	7.7	3	2	1	5
5	70.5	1259	5	7.8	5.5	6.9	3	2	1	5

It's still 3 at the back except the defenders seem to be the more expensive ones. Note that quite a few of the premium players have also gotten omitted suggesting that the winning teams comprise of exceptional performers at all price brackets and not just the mid and low price brackets.

Conclusion

Even if defenders offer better value for money, it still makes sense to go for 3 at the back.

Coorg, Karnataka, India - 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Fri, 28 Jul 2017 17:19:00 +0000

One of the last long weekends before summer 2017 was put to use joining a BMC group which was going to scale Tadiyandmol and also see some of the sights in the area. This is part 1 of this trip which includes a visit to the Nagarhole National Park and a trek up Nishani Motte. Part 2 has T itself and the rest of the sightseeing, Madikeri Fort, Nisargadhama, Bylakuppe, and the Raja's seat, is in part 3.

Answers to FAQ -

It was summer and the nearby waterfalls were dry.
The BMC guides knew their trekking but did not know their sight-seeing.

Nagarhole National Park

Like most other places which offer wildlife sightings, you don't actually get to see many exotic animals and have to make do with deer and a bunch of birds. Try and get a seat towards the front of the open van so that you can hear whatever information the driver gives out and don't feel the lack of a suspension as much as you would if you were sitting at the rear end. Wear something warm as it can get quite chilly; in a national park, you can never be too careful about your particular style of shivering getting misinterpreted for a mating dance.

From inside a bus which hasn't been serviced in a long time and refuses to start.
#nofilter?

So long as you don't need them faster than 85 kmph

This would fit perfectly in the Sierra Nevada track in Road Rash.
If you managed to fall off your bike at a really high speed, you'd rise above
the canopy and fall somewhere far off and your jog back would involve a lot
of bumping into trees and going, 'Ungh!' until you quit the race in frustration.

Somewhere in the park, there might possibly be a giraffe who isn't very hungry anymore.

Who else switched to Chrome because Firefox was becoming too sluggish?

Millions of storks are unaware of the demand generated from China lifting the one-child restriction.

When an immovable object meets an unstoppable force.

If you'd gone to the same college as me, you'd understand my lack of enthusiasm for deer,
And monkeys.

Nishani Motte

Nishani Motte is a shorter trek some 50 kilometres from the BMC hostel and probably not worth coming all the way to Coorg only for it, as another group staying at the same hostel would have realised later that weekend.

What models in 2030 are going to look like.

ABBAcow.
It was singing Moomoo Mooa.

Anil Kapoor's chest under a microscope.

When you've spilled your watercolour over your sheet and have to make the best of it.

Silhouettes can be misleading.
That's his hand.

In today's worlds, it's very likely that your partner isn't excited about the same things as you are.
That's probably why humans evolved to indulge in sex as a pleasurable activity.

I get so many calls from recruiters. How do I tell them that this is the job I want?

What sunset pictures actually look like before they get photoshopped.

Stay

The overnight stay was at an extension of someone's estate which had been converted to a no frills BMC hostel with shared bathrooms and mattresses laid down next to each other. The estate itself was picturesque, surrounded by lush greens without scary eyes in the bushes, or rustling, or any other noises.

You could hear the women werewolves howling.

Bonfires with a bunch of people you barely know
can tell you what sort of a first impression you give.
I seem to come across as someone who might know the answer to the
question, "What's the difference between deodorant and cologne?"
If you don't know, it's that you can't get deodorant cancer.

If leaves can look this then T-rex could have had feathers.

It lures you in with its happy colours and as soon as you're in range it
unravels to reveal spirals of really sharp teeth and then swallows you whole.

What most of Delhi looks like on the day after Holi.

Frosties for herbivores.

How convenient that the spider bite didn't give Peter Parker excessively hairy limbs or a weird ass.

Synopsis: Piss and Poop on the Sole

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 14:18:00 +0000

If you've heard of the idiom, "In each life, some rain must fall," you might also be familiar with its brother from another mother, "On each sole, some poop must stick," which rose in popularity since the shoes of a journalist spontaneously flew at the then president of the USA.

The first book carried inspirational short stories about how people handled the poop that got stuck to their soles. It has since grown into a series with various book for different types of footwear and different types of poop.

Inspired by: Chicken Soup for the Soul

Synopsis: Rajma Dal Toor Dal

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 20 May 2017 05:33:00 +0000

The author channels his childhood experience of attending far too many big Indian weddings into an instructions manual to help later children with deciding what to eat at the buffet. What goes well with what, what doesn't go well with what, where the shorter queues are, which stalls have the cool cousins, which stalls have the annoying aunts, what the nutritional value of various items is, and, the most important question of them all, a method to calculate how much the host is paying per plate.

Inspired by: Rich Dad Poor Dad

House Leads Automation

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 13 May 2017 12:59:00 +0000

When 2 or more flatmates are looking for a place to stay, over multiple weekends, in multiple areas, without a broker, it becomes a little tricky to collaborate. The UI for most of these real estate portals is very poorly designed and slows you down further.

These scripts scrape relevant postings from 4 popular websites and keep it in a simple, easy to compare format on Google Sheets.

You can get the code, etc. here.

The FAQ here are the same or an earlier version of the ones posted on the GitHub page.

FAQ

The user still needs to visit the respective website to get the user contact details.
I'm not making any money from this so I hope this isn't illegal in any way. No, this is not something worth starting a company over.
I'm don't plan to actively work on this so it's unlikely that new features are going to get added. I might resolve bugs if I have time for it though.
Entries for the same property on different websites aren't being detected.
I have to figure out which license works best for me. If there is a license that says that except for using this for your own personal needs, you can't use this code in any other manner without my permission then that's the license this is going to be under.

Synopsis: Jonathon, Stoned, Living with a Seagull

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 07 May 2017 07:25:00 +0000

Jonathon has been doing marijuana and now thinks his flatmate is a seagull. The flatmate also used to do marijuana but has been experimenting with methamphetamine of late. Their problems see both of them expelled from their friend circles but they don't care because they can hallucinate up new friends.

The book chronicles their efforts to get higher, get more speed, how they meet a dealer who enables the first and supplies the second, and how they eventually become dealers themselves.

Inspired by: Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Synopsis: Scream, Spray, Shove

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 29 Apr 2017 02:20:00 +0000

A woman has love life issues and feels purposeless in her job, but she has enough money to travel to distant countries for long periods of time.

When she lands, she notices that the women in these countries also have problems, like lack of access to drinking water and healthcare, and they have no money. She accepts that her problems are insignificant in the face of theirs and decides to add books to the For Dummies series which tackle their difficulties, beginning with one on sexual harassment.

Inspired by: Eat, Pray, Love

Synopsis: Walt, the Chemist

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 03:44:00 +0000

A chemist named Walt has the skills to transform ordinary items into precious material but he's sick and needs medicine. He meets a boy who seeks treasure.

Walt and the boy travel through the desert and settlements and have thrilling adventures. To become rich, the boy needs to lead this cowboy lifestyle but he also wants the comfort of a woman regardless of the constraints his career choice imposes upon him.

Towards the end, Walt dies because he didn't get enough medicine, and the boy is given a consolatory happy ending. It is up to the reader to infer that the boy could have become rich beyond his wildest dreams if he had just learnt Walt's skills instead of mucking about.

Inspired by: The Alchemist

Synopsis: The Farts In Our Stall

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Fri, 07 Apr 2017 02:06:00 +0000

Three teenage kids running the games corner at a fete, seated closer to the bean snacks hut than permitted, get exposed to vicious bouts of flatulence. It's so bad that it literally gives them cancer. The book inadvertently also teaches the correct usage of the word 'literally', synonyms for 'fart', and some other medical words useful for taking extended periods of sick leaves.

The rest of the book tries to highlight the disconnect from reality and society that cancer patients face. Teenagers unlikely to survive till the next World Cup are reading books and going to Amsterdam just to meet an author, abusive drunkards are suddenly recovering, and guardians are okay with their children jetting off to meet weirdos who have withdrawn from the rest of the world but are okay with talking to their children only if they show up in person.

Inspired by: The Fault in Our Stars

Synopsis: Who Moved My Seas

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 05:50:00 +0000

There are lots of people stuck in a maze, looking for energy sources. Some of them learn to harness fossil fuels and then colonise everybody else and make everybody use fossil fuels too. Everybody prospers, some more, some less.

After some time, many experts unanimously observe that the maze's glaciers are receding, extreme weather events aren't as rare as before, and the coast seems a lot closer than it used to be. They also find overwhelming evidence pointing to fossil fuel consumption as the reason behind it.

In light of this new knowledge, some people try to find alternatives to fossil fuel but most others choose to continue using fossil fuels in the interest of GDP and votes.

The ones searching soon discover the power of renewables. The ones not budging keep waiting for it to make economic sense to switch.

Inspired by: Who Moved My Cheese

Synopsis: The Old Man Who Was a C-word

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 14:19:00 +0000

This is centred around an old man who grew up in a culture where preying on the helpless and gullible was a way of life. Of late, he has been living off of the work of others and not really doing much himself. One day he realises that nobody respects him and then something snaps in him.

On a morning soon after, he sets out with the intention of going a long way out to harm those weaker than him, just to prove himself to his peers. On his return he boasts about all the wicked things he did to the rest of the village who take his word for it despite scarce evidence of the same. So awestruck is the rest of the village that they elect him their leader and inflict more brazen atrocities in his name. The old man goes back to doing nothing except now he has to provide the occasional sound byte.

This is the story of so many old men that perhaps this could be an anthology of biographies titled, The Old Men Who Were C-words.

Inspired by: The Old Man and the Sea

Mekedatu, Karnataka, India

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 15:24:00 +0000

Mekedatu is a half a day trip from Bangalore. The story goes that at that point, a goat ( meke ) jumped ( datu ) across the Kaveri river to escape a chasing tiger. A herdsman who happened to spot the incident suggested the name, probably to his herdsmen chums. Whatever floats your goat, his herdsmen chums said to him having more important matters of their own to deal with.

According to legend, these are goat hooves because the
goat that jumped across the river was actually Lord Shiva.
A simpler, more believable, explanation could be Punjabi aunties.

Apart from tigers and goats, some boards claimed that a number of crocodiles also resided in the waters and that they fed on distracted swimmers and those who'd slipped on the rocks and fallen in the water. This must have contributed to the decision to make the surrounding area an alcohol-free zone. Before you start complaining, ask yourself if you would rather have lots of liqour chocolates or some regular chocolate.

When birds swoop down they do it with such purpose. But then they just perch doing nothing.
Do they actually have a reason to land and just keep forgetting what they came for?

Millions of years of evolution went into exchanging this for anti-Romeo squads.

"Let the heathen spill theirs, on the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for each sperm that can't be found."
- Monty Python

Sangam

From Bangalore, Google Maps showed one very round about way to directly drive up to the falls and another route which takes you till a point after which it's a short wade / boat ride and a ticketed bus ride away. We chose the latter which brought us to a point upstream of Mekedatu with calm waters. This is where the Kaveri meets another river, Arkavathi.

We arrived quite early in the morning and since we didn't know what we had to do we took a small walk around and confirmed our hunch that there wasn't much else to see.

Pep Guardiola apparently divides the pitch into zones and if you've
ever seen any of his teams play you'd think this is what it looks like.

When you're in organic chemistry class but your teacher is
so pretty that you didn't even notice the structure of ethane.

We'd visited late in October. The timing might be relevant to the presence of a shallow stretch of water a little to the left of the entrance to the meadow. You could wade through it to get to the other side or just loll around for a while. The boatmen eventually wake up and begin work a little later in the morning which is when the sissies and the old people got across.

We were having so much fun that we didn't leave until the cows came home.

A very well done African-American jellyfish costume.
Like I said, this was around October. Maybe this was for Halloween.

Mekedatu

A dingy bus on the other side drives you till the specific point from where you can descend closer to the water. It's just a rocky staircase which leads to a big rock. You can wander around and peer at things for a while by which time the bus would have completed another round and would be waiting to take some passengers back.

Not that this is one but I was just wondering if there are any volcanoes called Polo.
Because, you know, it's a mount with a hole.

This was probably a few feet across.
Most men will still not be able to find the spot.

Edward Munch's inspiration.

What did the Japanese kid say to his mother when she wouldn't
let him drop out of engineering and pursue painting instead?
Prisma!

My Problem With #notallmen

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 18:18:00 +0000

Like that one racist uncle in every family who thinks all Muslims are terrorists, everybody has that one feminazi friend whose post-sexual-assault-news posts do actually sound like they blame ALL straight men for any sexual violence. In a country like India, where the genders don't really intermingle because, depending on whom you hear it from, either men are dicks or women have a princess complex, it only exacerbates an existing problem. Some straight men, who felt unfairly vilified, decided to respond with #notallmen. A #yesallwomen also arose after that to inform all men that all women face sexual harassment. Some day these will be the names of a female superhero movie trilogy. Or tags on orgy videos.

Ryan must have been really pleased when he came up with this. I can imagine
the smug smile on his face as he entered that emphatic line break between
the 'does' and the 'it' at the end, hit the post button, sat back, and waited for
he likes to pour in by the bucketful as he stroked the white cat in his lap.
( image source: Ryan Henly )

A logical person, which my liberal arts friend who shared his post might not be, would realise that Ryan's hypothetical is only about homophobic straight men who are naked in locker rooms, or if you give him the benefit of doubt, any other public place. That should translate to a really small percent of all straight men. If Ryan had proceeded to cover a few more combinations of situations and subsets of men, one dramatic post at a time, as he built up to that all upper case question addressing all straight men I wouldn't have picked on him as much. Also, why pose that question only to straight men? Why don't bisexual men have to answer that question? Think it through before trying to be sassy, Ryan.
Think
it
through

The first time #notallmen appeared on my screen it stood out from the rest of the post. I didn't immediately connect it back to the preceding events and posts and only after reading this particular post in its entirety, because both sides tend to get verbose, and looking it up did I get a complete picture. I was disappointed at a catchy hashtag being wasted on responding to what is probably a small number of people in total, sort of like how Ryan's post is wasted. Instead, this hash tag could have been employed to channel negative sentiment towards tall men because, if you haven't noticed, tall men have it so easy.

Not freak tall but healthy tall. Freak tall people
have problems too but that's for them to write about.
Not my problem if their hands can't fit a keyboard.
( image source: newsgd.com )

Side note:
I think women are expected to be petite and the tall ones are thought to be weird. I might be wrong, I don't know exactly how it works with them. I don't even know how many other genders there are nowadays so, much like the tech industry, I'll just stick to men. I will, however, keep moving between him to them, and guys to people, etc. to make it seem not so.

I am not sure if heightism starts before school but it is definitely around in school. Anything requiring all the students to queue up would have the lines in order of height. With separates lines for boys and girls, the short girls couldn't be used as defensive cover for the short boys, an act which had previously allowed Kaikeyi to demand that Dashrath make her son the king. During the school assembly the short students had no choice but to sing the school anthem and look like they were paying attention to the principal's 8 am rant. During sports days, everybody would be dressed like idiots but there would be far more pictures of the short students just because they were stationed up front. For group photographs, the short students had to have polished shoes and clean, ironed clothes.

Positioning the short students right under the nose of most of the teachers ensured that they couldn't talk amongst themselves. All that time, the mid to high height students would be at the back cracking jokes, catching up on the events of the previous day, and getting to know each other better. The effects would accumulate over time resulting in the tall and moderate height-ed boys becoming friends and trying cigarettes and alcohol and having girlfriends by the time they are 14 while the short boys became weird and isolated with no social skills and preferred to read books and play chess against a computer.

Three of those four are about 5' 7'.
( image source: the-big-bang-theory.com )

Then there is the sports period where heightism is blatantly rampant. For some people, sports continues after school as well and the same problems persist. The basketball ring is placed at 10 feet, a height which short people can't reach to dunk the ball, which is why they can only play point guard if at all. Badminton, Tennis, and Volleyball all involve getting something over the net and short people can't hit as hard as they want because the ball or shuttle needs to land inside the court so smashing, serving, spiking, etc. is tougher. In Boxing, the lesser reach of a shorter person puts them at a disadvantage. In Cricket, tall people can bowl bouncers more easily, and tall batsmen can handle rising deliveries better. Even athletics events, which are just variants of jumping over things, throwing things far, doing things fast, and other easy to remember sequence of actions for the physically fit whose brains can't cope with something complex like Football ( where short people can't be goalkeepers ), require at least one of long legs or long arms.

There is no sport which lends an advantage to short men
unless there exists such a thing as competitive Limbo.
( image source: Wikipedia )

Even some of the arts have this problem. Librarians can't reach the higher shelves without a stool or a step ladder. Same problem for chefs which then affects their time on Masterchef. Short people usually have small hands and can't play the tabla as easily. It's harder to play barre chords on a guitar. Holding a palette is more tiring. Balancing a book with one hand while stylishly sipping an expensive brew with the other is almost impossible.

In fact, short people might not even be able to afford the expensive brew because, on average, tall people make more money than short people for the same jobs. This might be because people tend to believe that tall people are more capable, smarter, and attractive. I'm not making this up, there is published research on this. If that wasn't enough to be pleased about, they can also switch off the lights from their bed whereas short people have to get out from under their blankets to reach the switch. They get to have their noses above the cloud of odour in public transport. In addition to listening to concerts, they get to see them too. Tall people are probably happy.

I know. Economy isn't as uncomfortable.
Try listing three more things.
( image source: CNN )

Discrimination is stupid but you could maybe make an argument for it if it were for the overall betterment and if the methods weren't like Hitler's. In this case there is no betterment and this preference for tall people is actually going to hurt us. Taller people, and now I am including the freak tall as well, are usually bigger too. This makes them inefficient compared to shorter, smaller people because they need to consume more food, water, and oxygen to support themselves. They need bigger houses and cars and bigger everything to accommodate their lives. Their body's increased surface area means increased exposure to the environment and therefore increased exposure to toxins leading to an increased probability of disease. Their poorer surface area to volume ratio results in poorer cooling of the body which means they need stronger air conditioning. Looking at how Oriental people are generally on the smaller side and have really long lifespans, being smaller might be healthier to begin with.

The writing is on the wall at a height which can be read by people of all shapes and sizes. To save the planet and correct a historical wrong in the process, we need to weed out the tall genes. Schools should partner short students with students of the other gender and have the tall students partnered with other students of the same gender. Homosexuals can't add to the population so their height doesn't matter. To make short people more attractive mates, they should be paid more than taller people which is only fair since they don't eat as many of the office snacks or take up as much of the real estate and air conditioning. To add to that, we should also invent new sports which favour short people, like competitive Limbo, and some sort of race where the roof keeps closing in and the one to run the farthest before the roof traps them down wins, and a hybrid of basketball and golf where you need to place a ball in a hole to score points. If none of these incentives work then governments should step in and decree that any activity which could lead to babies must include at least one short person. And no more Kim Jong-Un jokes.

Even Oprah's initial reaction is of worry.
But then she laughs in happiness.
That's what change is always like.
#onlyshortmen
( image source: giphy )

Risihikesh, Uttarakhand, India

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Tue, 31 Jan 2017 17:04:00 +0000

Rishikesh is a wild party city in the state of Uttarakhand in India.

Anarchy in the UK ( Uttarakhand ).

Okay fine, it isn't.

I had visited Rishikesh with the immediate family for about a week around October 2016. It is a town at the edge of the Himalayas through which the river Ganga flows, having originated some 100 kms earlier. The people along those 100 kms are either too few in number of some of the noblest Indians around because the river is quite clean until a little after Rishikesh.

Even if you aren't the devout sorts, there's plenty to do and drive to for a 3-4 day trip such as -

Walk around peeking into ashrams and yoga dens and generally chill next to the river,
Devote a day to rafting, bungee jumping, etc.
The Neergarh waterfalls offer a nice trek and pool at the end of it to relax in,
And the origin of the Ganga at Devprayag

The Ganga

It's the crowd puller so get it out of the way.

Alaknanda + Bhagirathi = Ganga
This is also what classification problems look like if you understand the domain.

The ashram where the Beatles once stayed charges INR 500 for entry so it's very hello, goodbye.
You will spot an isolated beach nearby where you can go and pretend to be the Beach Boys and renew the rivalry.

The reflection of a rapper's smile.

Lots of people float stuff off after aartis.
If you can resist the urge to push them into the water, like
the gentleman in black there, you have the power to
control your temptations and are on your way to moksha.

What do you do when you really want to carve out
a river but there are lots of people in the way?
Grab a bulldozer by the horn.

On the Road

The 6-8 hour drive from New Delhi has some good stretches despite most of it being through Uttar Pradesh. The bridges in Rishikesh however, named after Ram and Lakshman, aren't built for cars and are probably a major embarrassment to those two considering a monkey general from their army built a bridge out of floating rocks which carried an entire army across to Sri Lanka.

The implication for you is that if you're in a car and headed to the eastern bank of the river then you need to drive an additional 10 kms to get to the other side. If you arrive before 6pm then you need to drive 3 kms on top of the 10 because the road through the town is very narrow and you are asked to instead drive around the town through another road. This other road is closed after 6pm because once in a while, elephants cross it. The alternative before 6 pm is to take a road that crosses over near Haridwar itself. A flowchart would have probably made this easier to understand.

When I go home, I'm not allowed to leave
the dinner table until I feel like this.

Always wear your seat belt.

The Lakshman Jhula...

... but if you ask an honest man, bridges are sort of boring.

That bridge is the one that vehicles can cross. It's manned by army people who are clueless about directions
to any nearby places. Like those people go on work trips, stay in their hotel in the evenings, and go back.

As a deterrent to riding an animal drawn vehicle
on a highway and causing a pile up, the driver should
have to get married open reaching their destination.

The Population

The proportion of foreigners in Rishikesh is extraordinarily high. At first sight, most of them seem like hippies and / or yoga and Hinduism wannabes. Once you talk to them and they say namaste, and hari krishna instead of hello, thank you, etc. your suspicions are confirmed. In this pursuit of knowledge and truth, some of them come across as extremely unprepared such as a couple who were unaware that alcohol and meat are prohibited and wanted directions to a nice bar.

Apart from these folk, you will also spot a lot of cows, ascetics, and monkeys. As a group, that is only one prime minister short of the Hindu All Stars.

Kids, and even adults, were requesting pictures with white people.
The way things are going, they might never get to see any.

A man whose career involves resisting all worldly temptations.

"You came to the wrong neigbourhood, mootherfucker."

It probably got lonely in all that time in the mountains and forests and whatnot.
Maybe Frodo and Gimli got cozy one night which led to this.

Manchester United leaving no
stone unturned to get results.

Wedding pictures with the bride and / or the groom wearing aviators is a thing nowadays.
It isn't funny anymore. Please stop.

The Food

The food varies between meh and I'm-hungry-it-doesn't-matter. The lassi, however, is good at the two Chotiwala restaurants next to each other and it's better in the one on the left. If you've had good South Indian food then you can skip Madras Cafe despite it's rating on TripAdvisor. Be adventurous and don't get sucked into eating pastas at the slightly posh Green View / Green Lake / Lake View. When things look bleak, focus instead on the cheerfully misspelt items like idle sambhar and milk-cornflex and graffiti-ed hoardings of Coca Cola asking you to give your body love and not coke.

Mein Kaffee would be a nice name for a German cafe.

Maybe Harry Kane affectionately calls his daughter Sugar.

Dusshehra

The who's who of Rishikesh, all the nearby tourists, and some locals had gathered to celebrate Dusshehra next to the river. When a lot of low-tier celebrities are invited to an event, the time of the audience members is abused in at least two ways. The first one stems from the celebs jostling to secure an upgrade; if the celebrities are mostly public officials and religious figures then these efforts take the form of patriotic, political, and spiritual speeches, which, when mixed together, get Lord Ram compared to Narendra Modi and Ravan to Pakistan. The second one is that the event cannot be started until the last guest has arrived and therefore the more guests that have been invited, the later the event typically starts.

We were fortunate to be packed next to a couple of gentlemen from Bhopal who, in the best English they could muster, were trying to check with some Korean people, who spoke very little English themselves, whether they knew Jackie Chan.

Someone must be getting kickbacks.

A bunch of clueless, excited white people are huddled up just outside and all along the frame.

If the slot is still available, I would like to nominate Icarus as the God of Moths.

Members of the law enforcement guarding Ravan and his family.
This country needs a revolution.

Out of focus fireworks which are more Instagram than Blogger but still.

The rest of the army is marching to war while upper management
stands around, gets pictures taken, and takes 130 times the salary.

The ancient Hindus started the Burning Man

Literature Survey

Books have played a central part in religion and out of respect for... uhm, okay fine, whatever, never mind. Nobody really reads books. If you've actually read all this text then you're part of a small minority. Most of the folk will look at a few of the pictures before getting distracted by something else. I don't know why I even put in the effort.

BKS Iyengar, Yoga Nazi.

We probably bathe very differently now than how our ancestors
used to 2000 years ago. I think the primitive bath would have
consisted of going to the nearest water body, cupping some
water in one's palms and splashing it onto one's body.
Post-crucifixion Jesus is my best bet for inventor of the mug.

I've been dilly dallying about subscribing to The Economic Times.
I guess it isn't for me.

Why variable pay was invented.

"How to live in a household, " is a great example of choosing the
wrong sample to conduct research. In this case, most families
will find it hard to relate to the family of the god of destruction
with his pet cow, pet snake, percussive instrument, a very
moody wife, a son with the head of an elephant and his
pet rat, and another son with six heads and a pet peacock.

Commerce

A bulb benefiting from the Cheerleader Effect.

If it weren't for my mother, I would have walked past the government run handicraft store in the main market.
My life would have been just the same and we would all have saved about half an hour and some money.

The performers.

The agent.

During the first Boston Legal episode, Al Sharpton
storms into the courthouse to support the cause of
racial equality and asks for a black Spiderman.
We may already have a brown one.

Nice of them to report their less than flattering KPI.

And the total truth is that you have a small penis.

*Without using any kind of psychedelic drug*

And is either a fraud or has never met anyone who
was thinking he looked like an idiot in that hat.

A beauty parlour and cooking classes at the same place is going to attract
the attention of 1. matrimony seekers, and 2. health and safety inspectors.

If you are the sort of unlucky bloke aged 30-40, male, and
British, whose phone auto-corrected the text you sent to
your travel agent and replaced stardom for salvation.

Haridwar

Haridwar is a few kilometres downstream of Rishikesh and is the more heavyweight religious tourism town of the two. The tourist attraction of dumping things in the water starts off here. It is also home to Mohanji Puri Wale where they sell some really good puri meals.

Apparently there are 35 crore devas in Hinduism.
Makes for a tough game of Where's Waldo.

After Seal and Heidi Klum split, his rebound may have been canine.

The adult, deluded version of paper boats.

Asking for blessings looks very similar to punishment in fifth grade.
Which makes sense, actually.

This is one slip from being a great setting for a rendition of We Didn't Start the Fire.

If you prayed for some weight loss and are extremely optimistic, then
there is this guy sitting a little way away from where the aarti happens.

Neergarh Waterfall

If USA survives long enough to get another president who wants to fight climate change and close Guantanamo -
in the top right corner you can notice the potential for a renewable resources powered water-boarding facility.

Spiders can also succumb to long lazy bouts of not dusting around the house.

It's probably all spiders. The smarter spiders just build their houses in less dusty areas.

Some others prefer living in a housing colony where you pay maintenance and the RWA takes care of the rest.

Maybe the reason we lost our tails as a specie is so we could appreciate asses.

Anil Kapoor insect.

Lizards need to work on their puppy eyes.

When a friend returns from a visit to the family and brings food.

What the inside of your nose looks like.
PS: This is not the waterfall.

What a nearby ant feels like when you're taking a leak in the open.

PS: This is the waterfall.

Adventure Sports

You could swim in the river and find a cosy spot away from the rest of the world like these gentlemen.
Once you've farted to your heart's content, you can return into the water or back to the coast.

There's zip lining which is like a three-legged sack race for Superman.

There's bungee jumping, which can change your life.
One way is if someone, which could be you, dies.
The other one is how they make you look up when you're jumping, and you wonder what
that look before you leap talk is all about. And then you can't help but question everything.
For instance, that time when you tore your jeans at the knees or the hem but instead
of stitching it in time you passed it off as fashion and it didn't cost you nine.
Or how you've never taken a horse to the water which didn't partake on arrival. Why
would anybody take horses to the water if they didn't want to have any to begin with?
And if haste makes waste then why do we have deadlines?

And it's 83 metres high.
After it's done, you need to climb up the 83 metres on foot yourself.

Cliff jumping is just jumping off a rock into the water and I don't see the big deal about it.
Everybody has a life jacket but quite a few people reach the edge only to turn around
and get back down in a literal enactment of the phrase, the fear of taking the plunge.

There is also rafting with very casual safety instructions because, again, you're wearing a life jacket and you're an adult.

Flora and Fauna

There were other trees with only the regular roots and they were doing just fine.
I think aerial roots are only to enable gluttony.

If you can teach a monkey to play stone-paper-scissors, you will never
be bored. Avoid teaching them more complex games like Monopoly
and Life in case they figure out how our world works and overthrow us.

Gareth Bale before (R), and after (L).

The matrix has a glitch.

uberPOOL for punishment.

Women, as soon as they spot someone approaching them.

The ancient Hindus also invented pokemon.
(Magnemite is what you need to look up.)

Other Sights from In and Around

On the bright side, you are never inconvenienced by road widening projects.

Stacked area charts are a bad visualisation to use when you have lots of categories and can only do greyscale.

I don't care if my son was a god, he'd get his ass
kicked if he stood in the way with his aura and flute and everything while I was doing the chores.

Apart from The Beatles, other celebrities who have visited Rishikesh includes Captain Planet.

While the juvenile Belgians were busy making urinating babies.

There are plenty of these pumps and almost all of them had leaking taps.
That is one of my major concerns with the government snooping on my communications.

Shiv is a freak with a third eye and destroys everything.
Nobody gets him.

Remember mood rings? Well, mood rooms.

When you're lost but your Uber driver knows the way.

If they add a donkey head, they could sell the water as a Moss Cow Mule.

The pool cleaning team wearing the colour to aspire to.

Ms. Singh, on the other hand, could not be found.

Dhol mates.

These two pictures were shot within a few metres of each other.

Marimekko Charts in ggTimeSeries

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 06:39:00 +0000

( Originally appeared on the Ather Blog )

We just added Marimekko charts to the ggTimeSeries library.

What are Marimekko charts? Also know as mosaic plots, they help visualise the co-occurrence of two categorical or ordinal variables and compare the occurrence of that pair to other pairs.

Remember the plot showing the proportions of accelerations from our last blog post?

Here is the same data visualised as a Marimekko plot. The X axis plots the overall occurrence of the starting buckets. The Y axis plots the distribution of the next bucket given the current bucket is the label on the X axis. For instance, the plot for Julian’s decelerations, indicates that about 50% of the decelerations start from the mid bucket, because the column labelled mid occupies about 50% of the space on the X axis. and out of these decelerations, almost 60% end in the mid bucket itself while the remaining 40% end in the low bucket.

Similarly, George’s affinity for high speeds clearly shows up here. The high amount of blue you see in the acceleration plots indicates the proportion of times he accelerates to the high speed bucket. The high amount of blue in the deceleration plot similarly indicates that a large share of George’s decelerations are small ones which let him stay within the high speed bucket. Compare this to Timmy’s plot, which has large swathes of green instead.

Fantasy Football - 8: Easy Stretches of Fixtures

noreply@blogger.com (The Come On Man) — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 10:27:00 +0000

Compared to identfying teams that are performing well, it's a pain to identify stretches of appealing fixtures. The coloured indicators for match difficulty that FPL tacked on in 2016-17 don't seem to update with performances.

The charts below use only the EPL data to try and highlight four aspects that one would typically look at when trying to decide transfers. The thresholds, etc. aren't some sort of recommendation. Feel free to change them if some other number makes more sense.

Code and ( usually ) updated charts available here: