The Coming Night

The Whys of Food Security

2011-02-25T06:54:00.000-08:00

Oil prices are rising. A loss of social order is spreading across the Muslim world. Economic reality is crushing many domestically. Hope is being lost and fear is rising. And with this negatively charged atmosphere many find their thoughts turning to attaining a semblance security for the future. Food security is one such way to take action when anxieties run high.

The reasons for seeking food security are many and not all of them are based on an inappropriately dark and paranoid view of the future. During the best of economic and political times adequate food storage makes sense. A basic kit full of two weeks worth of food, water, hygiene supplies, and basic life necessities will keep an individual or family well-fed and reasonably comfortable should a disease pandemic strike or natural disaster befall the area. During a time of crisis such as these stores are likely to sell out of food, prices will spike on what, if anything is available, and there will be genuine safety concerns that will likely keep people inside if they have no real reason to leave. There will also be a pressing need to get help to those who need it and the more people who take care of themselves, the more resources can be freed up for those who are truly in need or destitute.

Our community recently experienced a water main break that left much of the city boiling water for several days. Bottled water sold out immediately and basic hygiene needs, such as washing hands after using the bathroom and before food prep, were problematic. Many people experienced a great deal of stress but our family only faced a minor annoyance as we had a supply of bottled water, hand sanitizer, and disposable dishes & utensils from our emergency supply kit. We also had a supply of food that required little, if any, water to prepare, allowing us to save our precious bottled water for drinking and teeth brushing. Such a situation is not serious but the peace of mind we experienced would only be magnified if we had to utilize our supplies for a more difficult time.

In our modern world we have grown ignorant of just how important such basic needs can really be. There are always stores and restaurants to provide food for us. We seldom see disease outbreaks that might require self-quarantine to stay safe. There are government agencies and charitable networks that we assume will always be there if a hurricane strikes. This reality has not always been so and there are times when our safety nets can fail. Most of human history, and in fact much of the world today, finds people living in abject poverty. Food doesn't come in pretty packages on neat grocer shelves. Diseases crop up from a basic lack of hygiene. People die from mosquito bites. Indoor plumbing and proper sanitation of human waste is just a dream. This is the normal human condition: our species against the world and the justice of nature. Civilization shelters us from much of this but there are times it cannot always do so. Enter food security, community building, and other safety nets that the common folks make for themselves.

Attaining a comfortable level of food security will not shelter an individual or family from all the storms of life of course but it can bring about a satiated poverty when times are tough. There may be craziness outside but your stomach is full, illness has been bleached away, and hair and teeth are still being brushed. A level of familiarity and routine is kept afloat when everything has been uprooted and you so desperately need comfort or have been called upon to bring centering and solaced to others in need. This is the primary why of food storage: a satiated poverty that brings light when times are very dark. You aren't just storing food or feeding a physical hunger; you're hoarding hope for future spiritual and emotional comfort. There's love in the buckets of wholesome grain and a thoughtful prudence in those home-canned tomatoes. There's hope that this time will pass and this difficulty is worth living through because tomorrow promises a better day.

Some Clarifications

2011-01-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today on the The Spearhead my Chivalry Gone Awry piece received a different and far more heated reaction than this same bit of writing did when published on A Voice for Men. I am not going to publish the comments I've received in protest nor am I going to reply to the angry emails; however I will clarify a few points here on my blog.

1. I am not seeking to denigrate men or claim that the military is the One True Way to Real Manhood. My motive was the absolute opposite of this.

2. I do not believe changing a tire or holding a door for somebody can be compared to risking one's life for a buddy in battle or putting one's self in harms way to protect a stranger. While all of these actions require sacrifice they cannot be compared as if are remotely the same.

3. I do not believe military members are the only ones who work in positions that require great self-sacrifice in today's world. Our society is full of unappreciated men who work dangerous, dirty jobs so that we all can enjoy civilized living. From truck drivers to coal miners and garbage men to medical first responders there are clearly many people who sacrifice for the good of many.

4. I will not apologize for holding my husband is higher esteem than I do men in general. The same with my father, grandfather, uncles, father-in-law, cousins, teachers, friends, the men my husband serves with, and the many other men who have made my life richer for having known them. I feel the same way about the many noble inspiring women in my life as well. They are all far more dear to me than strangers. Why this should bring about outrage is beyond me.

5. With #4 out of the way, I will admit to having great respect for my husband and the other men who have passed the difficult test that is SFAS. In fact you could say I am a bit in awe of them. Completing a land navigation course in the dark woods or getting through the Nasty Nick obstacle course is not something I could do. Undertaking the missions and disciple demands of a SF soldier is also not something I could ever do. I give much respect to those who have mastered their fears and bodies enough to complete obstacles that I never could. This goes for many things far beyond the military too. Excellence is, well, excellent! ;)

5. I believe biology impacts our actions as humans just as much, if not more so, than our culture, philosophy, life experience, ideology, and religious beliefs. IMO this is important to remember when pondering the mysteries of humanity, the battle of the sexes, femininity and masculinity, and pretty much everything else that is encompassed by the human condition.

6. Chivalry, concepts of honor and military ethos have been a longtime interest of mine for reasons that should be very obvious. Books on military history and military memoirs of all kinds are heavy on my reading list as well.

7. I am opposed to conscription. My reasons for this belief are philosophical, political, and, yes, that dreaded word: emotional.

8. This was not my first piece of writing on The Spearhead. I began writing for Welmer last April and have published fourteen pieces on his website. Admittedly this may not have been my best piece but you can only refine your work through risk taking so took a risk I did.

Before You Marry the Military....

2011-01-26T05:15:00.001-08:00

Last fall I wrote a post about some issues a young man may want to consider before enlisting in the Army. Since then I have received several requests from women asking what I would information and wisdom they might need to know before marrying the military, so here it is:

1. Your husband does not belong to you. He belongs to the country and as a result your needs and wishes come second to those of the military, mission, and team. Being married to a chivalrous man ironically requires you to carry your own bags, move your own boxes, do your own taxes, and change your own dead car batteries.

2. You will need to be creative if you wish to work while your husband is active duty. The frequent moves can be problematic if one has a professional license or credentials to keep current. Many bases are located in economically depressed areas where good employment is scarce and OCONUS bases often have restrictions on what work spouses can do. The low wages at the commissary and PX or in-home childcare may be what you are looking at in many instances. The higher your education the greater the pay discrepancy between a military spouse and their civilian peers.

3. You live in an odd paradox that demands resilience and independence while simultaneously requiring dependence on the military to run your life, tell you where you're going to live, and when your husband will be home. IOW, your husband might get orders to Okinawa (dependence) and then leave on deployment within weeks of getting to this new foreign duty station (independence).

4. The military/civilian divide is real even for spouses. When I first got married I inwardly rolled my eyes whenever somebody would tell me a point would come where I'd no longer be able to relate to many civilian wives including long-time friends and even family. Well that day came forcing me to eat my words and previous assumptions. Most married couples spend little time apart, certainly not what will amount to years before they reach their fifth anniversary. Most have never gone without contact for over a month or more as often happens outside the conventional Army. They don't have the same experience that you do, and while that is perfectly okay, it does make for very different life realities.

5. In light of #3, you will have to get used to hearing jabs about how your husband must not love you if he willingly chooses to go away as these people do not understand the call to serve or what it's like to support the mission and team as a spouse back home. There will be much unsolicited deployment advice based off others experiences of business trips as if lost luggage and phones that ring both ways really compare to the risks of deployment and what can be odd unreliable contact for the time your husband is away. You will find yourself placed in the role of consoling many who need a self-esteem pick me up because they "could never do what you do" and it will often come when you're in the throes of the deployment cycle or some other emotionally trying time. Eventually the words don't sting or annoy anymore but they do require the cultivation of a "smile if it kills you" sort of idea as not to offend those who don't "get" it and may even be well-meaning.

6. Understanding the benefits you have as a military spouse can be tricky. Tricare can be confusing to understand even when one takes the time to read the benefits book. The services offered through CYS and the many financial planning courses through ACS are often not accessed as people do not know they exist or all that is offered. The endless acronyms certainly add to the confusing. CYS, ACS, FRG, PWOC, CWOC, MWR, what is all of this a new spouse will wonder. I personally recommend all new spouses take Army Family Team Building classes for the wealth of information that will be learned. Through these classes new spouses will become acquainted with the many programs offered by the Army that may help them in their career, education, negotiating Tricare, "speaking Army", and getting involved with more classes that help make school transitions smooth for children. There are many programs that can be of great benefit to Army families that are seldom used as people simply do not know about them.

7. You may be very surprised at how you embrace your role with the military and come to rise up to the challenges of the lifestyle with time. When women first get married to somebody on active duty it's very easy for them to feel lost, alone, scared, and very small while facing the daunting and formidable challenges that will be in their near future. They may not feel as if they are part of the community yet, do not understand what they can do to fit in or support their husbands careers, and may feel unsure of themselves. Then the storm of military life hits and washes all of this away. Everybody is different but I know plenty of wives, myself included, who reach a moment during a TDY or long deployment and know that they have done it; they have become a "real" military wife. They've grown into the women the military demands them to be and a little high comes. You might look back at the end of a deployment and see all of the calamities, both large and small, and realize that you did great. Much of your apprehensions will melt away about the issues you can control because you now have the experience to prove this reality to yourself. Suddenly it's not "Can I?" but "I did and I can!"

8. For a truly successful life you'd be wise to embrace the idea of "tending the home fires" fully. By this I mean making yourself the queen of your domestic realm and running to effectively for your family. If you have children this is especially important. A routine that is well-planned can bring about a lot of security when the military is forever changing plans. Your routine can stick with you during time zone and address changes and provides comfort when a father leaves for deployment.

Some essentials IME:
*Make meal times special and eat around the table together...even if the table is a box in the middle of your new kitchen.

*Celebrate holidays whether your household goods are in boxes, your husband halfway around the world, or you living in a hotel room during a PCS. There are many ways to adapt holiday rituals to your current situation with some creativity.

*Be sure everybody gets enough sleep, wholesome food, and exercise as taking care of your health and that of your family makes life easier to handle. Do not neglect yourself and be sure you get to the doctor and dentist along with your children.

*Provide ways for your children to stay in contact with their daddy no matter where he is. Technology can be a fabulous help with this, whether it be webcam or videos of daddy reading a favorite bedtime story. Peapod and I will do a weekly countdown routine of some sort whenever my husband is away. For long separations this comes in the form of a paper chain and an ice cream sundae on Sundays. For short deployments I fill a jar with candy and she gets to have a piece everyday. Both provide visualization of the countdown and can a new paper link or candy can be added or subtracted should the countdown need revision.

9. A talent you will likely learn is how to unpack boxes and get your household set up quickly. How to make the most of lackluster housing may also be on the talents list as well. Embracing the moves makes this much easier as you can plan well in advance for the basics. I keep a binder with fabric swatches and measurements for furniture, a pantry list for the first grocery shopping at a new place, and lists for tasks to be completed before the movers arrive on both ends.

10. Military life is what you make of it. There are many difficult parts to the life, but there are many positive aspects that are seldom appreciated outside our subculture. You obviously grow and develop as a person and become a far more resilient individual than you would have otherwise been but there are also many little things that sweeten your life.

A few that come to mind:

*I've had the opportunity to live on both coasts and to travel around a fair portion of the US, as has Peapod who had visited seventeen states and seen both the Atlantic and Pacific before her fourth birthday. We also have the opportunity to travel using Space A flights to take trips we could probably never afford otherwise.

*We've visited many museums, national & state parks, and historical sites & monuments during our travels. We've seen plays, operas, ballets, and symphony orchestras and enjoyed different festivals in all of the different places we've lived. The moving and traveling both provide an interesting look into the cultural differences inside the borders of the US.

*We once lived in oceanfront base housing and could see dolphins swimming by from our windows in the early morning. This duty station also offered excellent seafood, beautiful natural beaches, the delightful cheesiness of a tourist town, and many outdoors activities.

*I've met, befriended, and been neighbors with people from all over the US and all over the world and have had my life made richer for knowing such a diverse group of people.

*I've had the opportunity to complete my education debt free thanks to my husband generously signing his remaining GI Bill benefits over to me. Once I graduate we will both posses bachelors degrees without hefty student loans to go with them.

*There have been ample opportunities for me to volunteer, both on post and off, and learn a variety of new skills through this work. I've become a Master Gardener in two states thanks to the moving and been challenge to step up and try a variety of tasks that I likely wouldn't have otherwise.

*I get to be part of something bigger than myself and have found much satisfaction in supporting my husband's career, opening our home up for hospitality and entertaining, and being an active part of Family Readiness Group.

11. The friends you meet in the military and different than your friends from the civilian world. You are almost more like family than friends as you may celebrate holidays together, take care of each other during illness or injury, and are willing to do things for each other than you may not be for civilian friends. Many of your worst and best moments are shared with your military friends and they are often the ones you turn to the day your husband leaves or when you're scared or experiencing anticipatory grief, and they are the ones you celebrate with and keep you sane as you count down the last days before he comes home again. You may PCS away from each other and keep the friendship going through the internet and then live at the same duty station again in the future, picking up right where you left off when the orders came to separate you.

This list is very simplistic but I hope it may prove useful to those who have asked for me to write on this. For men who are considering enlisting and the women who might jump into life as a military spouse there is a lot to reflect on before you sign that contract or marriage license.

Embarking on a Personal Austerity Challenge

2011-01-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new year and the annual "state of the household finances" talk completed, MovingTarget and I have set a new personal savings goal for our family. Between now and December 2012 we'd like to funnel away at least $30,000 in addition to our usual savings goals. It's a lofty goal for sure but one that's well worth aiming for.

We've been busy brainstorming how to make this happen. Where should we cut corners? What obstacles will lie in our faith? Who or what causes the most spending temptation in our lives? With these questions answered we've devised a plan for household austerity.

A few ideas and small goals:

*The obvious one: I'll work harder to bring in more income myself with my business ventures, including the launch of two new products.

*All of my income will be put into savings this year.

*The budget for Peapod's homeschooling and extracurricular activities will remain the same.

*Reading material, from books to magazines to journals and newspapers, is one area where we could really cut back. Our "for pleasure" books budget will be set at $500 for this year. With library book sales, credit at the used book stores, friends to borrow & trade with, and an assortment of books yet to be read this should actually be fairly easy to stick to. We'll keep our subscription to a few financial, scientific, and geopolitical periodicals, and not renew the rest.

*I will make more meals for the freezer and plan crockpot meals for especially busy days to prevent the expense of eating out. During my husband's upcoming TDY I'll use my spare time in the evening to can/freeze a bunch of basics (stock, rice, beans, etc) to make cooking all the more easy during busy times.

*I'll continue packing food for MovingTarget to bring to work. We'll bring lunches and snacks when we go out for homeschool co-op, days at the park, and other such activities that keep us away from home. Travel coffee mugs, thermos, and water bottles will be used even more heavily than before.

*We'll halve our Christmas and gift budgets for the year and keep up the handmade gifts that went over so well last year.

*I'll change the oil in the car and perform whatever maintenance I am able to do on my own.

*My clothing budget for the year will be $200 and this money will be set aside and used only for truly necessary purchases. The budget for Peapod will be $100, if that, as I've been purchasing clothing in advance for her on deep sales ever since she was born. Plus she's the only grandchild and great-grandchild thus far on my side of the family Enough said. ;)

*The garden will be doubled in size this year and we'll be ordering bulk grains, legumes, honey, and other items from a co-op with wonderful prices. This has the potential to save us about 25% on groceries.

*Continue to take advantage of the many free and low cost entertainment opportunities offered around town and on-post.

*Take my grandparents up on their invitation to join them for a week at their timeshare this fall. Airfare is already budgeted for making this vacation quite frugal. As an extra bonus, we'll get to visit MovingTarget while he's TDY in that area.

*Utilize the many perks that the military ID brings, including classes at CYS, freebie and discount tickets from MWR, the pools ans gyms on post, and the wealth of other rec opportunities offered on post.

"Living poor" doesn't seem so daunting when that list is considered....even if the end results are a couple years in the future. I'm hoping to blog about this commitment throughout the year, perhaps including a few tutorials on some of the money saving activities that I venture into and the creative solutions that will be devised fr a variety of problems that might bring about a bump in our frugal plans.

ETA: I'm planning to blog more specifically about food and grocery savings later this week.

Chivalry Gone Awry

2011-01-14T06:02:00.000-08:00

"The code of chivalry was never meant to apply to the male population at large but rather a small subset who were the tough warriors of their day. These warrior ethos did not mean male servitude to women but called for a brotherhood between knights, courage during times that conjure up great fear, and dedication to king and cause. Part of the code did address taking care of the widow and orphan and being courteous to women but this was hardly the end all be all of this knightly code of honor. And back then, just as today, not all women were ladies; this was a title reserved for those of a certain social class not women who behave with a healthy heaping of decorum and propriety as the term is used today."

Click over to a A Voice for Men to read the rest and comment.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

Greetings to anybody who might still be peeking at my long abandoned blog. I hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas and are jumping into the new year that seemed to have arrived much too quickly.

Several emails have arrived in my inbox in recent weeks asking if I plan to update my blog anytime soon. The answer is yes, whenever the writer's block goes away. Homeschooling has kept me very busy this fall and been one of the main outlets to which I've been funneling my creative energy. Right now my husband and I are writing our own prehistory curriculum for Peapod this summer to provide her with a good young child style understanding of the big bang, evolution, fossils/archaeology, and the pre-human world before we crack open the books for The Story of the World this fall. After this project is complete I will tentatively be back to blogging once or twice a week.

Until then I'll "see" you around the 'sphere!

The Little Things

2010-09-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight my husband and daughter are at a father-daughter ball together. The ticket was purchased last month and in the weeks leading up to the ball a special dress was sewn and fancy little girl jewelry bought just for this occasion. As Peapod was getting ready today she could hardly still, bouncing all about from the excitement of this special night. She couldn't wait to dance with her daddy, do crafts together, and spend a special night together in between times with daddy away.

Shortly after they left I shared some pictures online and several family members marveled at the love clearly beaming from her little face as Peapod smiled at her daddy in the pictures. I could see it too and couldn't help but feel a special warmth in my heart to know she shares a special bond with her father much as I did with mine. I can vividly recall many special "dates with daddy" in my youth, hours spent talking and gleaning wisdom from my dad as a teen, and the precious moments before he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Of all the gifts in life having two parents who love you, a mother and father who give selflessly of themselves to you, has to be one of the greatest.

All of the special moments can easily be recalled and they do mean a lot, but the love and connection at these joyful times like the ball tonight are grown and tended to during the mundane moments. This special bond comes from the quiet hours spent playing board games or doing nothing, just being together as a family, celebrating the little things in life. The balls, weddings, visits to museums, and times at the lake are simply the icing on the cake.

Every child ought to have these little things and the important life sustaining gift that is the security of a rock solid relationship with both parents. It's time like these, as I celebrate that Peapod has this, that I most grieve for the little ones who don't. There were likely little girls who didn't have a date for the father-daughter ball tonight; some because daddy is deployed as is typical around these parts, but others because daddy may not be involved in their lives. How sad that is, how terribly sad.

Out of Cyberspace and Into Our Living Room

2010-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

I've received several emails this week inquiring about my whereabouts with my sporadic absences from the cyber world this summer. I'm happy to assure those kind enough to write that I am indeed alive and well and have simply been too busy to blog for a variety of reasons. We've been spending a lot of time with friends, both new and old, including several who have joined us here this PCS season. After several years of living across the country (or even the world!) from each other there's been much catching up to do, new babies to meet, and people to introduce Peapod to. Fund-aising with FRG has been taking up a fair deal of my free time as has planning a picnic for the unit. The finishing touches had to be put on the homeschool lesson plans for this fall and the learning room re-organized for ease of use. Much work has been necessary for my business this summer, especially with a fun new soap line coming out just in time for the holidays.

Most interesting of all MovingTarget and I decided to take our discussions and debates about a myriad of topics outside of cyberspace and bring them into our living room, complete with yummy food and an assortment of fascinating people, for a twice monthly book club/discussion group we're now hosting. A little bit politics, a little bit gender issues, and a little bit theology and philosophy are on the agenda and a list of interesting books to keep our group busy until the spring. For the children, crafts, games, and a special box of toys just for the meeting nights. Why blog when you can sip cappuccino and debate with wise minds right in the comfort of your overflowing with chairs living room?!

Perhaps once life calms down a bit I will once again have the time and energy to blog, but until then don't be surprised at my occasional updates and absences here and there.

Walking A Mile In Another's Shoes

2010-08-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

Wandering around Amazon one day several years ago I placed several books by Dr. Warren Farrell into my shopping basket and hit the submit button to buy them. When they arrived I tore open the packaging and eagerly began reading the first book in the batch, unable to put the book down, staying up well past midnight to finish up this read. This book, like so many others, held a key to a bit of the precious treasure I find important to collect and unravel through time: the experience and life stories of others.

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated at the life stories of others whether they are shared with me through a time spent at the feet of the elderly sharing tales of their lives and wisdom gained through years of life experience, the stories shared by missionaries visiting on furlough or soldiers freshly home from combat, the written word of many authors or biographers, or the wide assortment of human experience that weaves together to form a fabulous tapestry on the internet. Sometimes it's the tales of apostasy or religious conversion, the published journals of one who has long since left this earth, or placing one's self in the shoes of a late relative as you relive their hope, shame, happiness, and sadness when family stories are retold again and again. Wherever the knowledge happens to come from it's a gift all the same, a bit of humility and empathy picked up here and there, coming together to form more compassion, forgiveness, and patience for my fellow humans. This thirst for understanding others is almost as much of a spiritual experience as a practical one with the many benefits, the soul softening and virtue sharpening, that come right alongside the wisdom that imparts itself to life decisions and interacting with others.

As expected the books by Dr. Farrell were no exception, but powerful reads that allowed me a glimpse and insight into the experiences of the many good men in my life whom I care about and cherish deeply. Many stereotypes were busted and honest conversations held afterward fostering richer relationships, better understanding, and fascinating learning experiences along the way. You grow, you change, you feel more love and respect once you appreciate and understand. In a world where I had heard so very much about the lives of women, the plight of this or that group of women, it was eye opening and refreshing to gain insight into the other side, the story so seldom heard. Lopsided knowledge was put back into balance again and this became all the more true with the books and websites I greedily devoured in the months immediately following.

Mastering empathy, the proverbial walk in another's shoe, is of the utmost importance. This is a skill that affords us a deeper understand of ourselves and others and a profound appreciation for the struggles and triumphs felt by our fellow humans in this life. Empathy says my day may have been bad but maybe my friend or husband had it worse. It's appreciating everybody has challenges and needs kindness, consideration, and love. It's to halve burdens and double happiness, to give when somebody is hurting, to know what to do or maybe what not to say. To understand the experience of others is to appreciate both the frailty and the beauty of the human condition all the more. It's to learn to respect others for who they truly are and what they've lived through as opposed to something that is merely a figment of our imagination. Empathy is to practice the art of loving in what is likely it's most pure and altruistic form that fallen creatures such as ourselves can ever share.

For this reason and many more I feel grief when such reading and learning is sneered at, brushed aside as something unhealthy for it closes your mind to certain toxic ideology. When you attempt to understand the other, to listen with open ears the stories of the stranger, the one who is different than you, a new picture is painted, a new understanding forged. You may even start to see the world as "people first" and "mutual cooperation" as opposed to the "us versus them".

One Way Blaming the Patriarchy Harms Women

2010-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a discussion on an atheist message board in which women atheists are blaming the patriarchy for their inability to speak their minds. The young woman who started the conversation was given no practical support or encouragement from her older sistahs but instead was cast into a victim role with the patriarchy being her oppressor. Looking at this conversation left me sad and shaking my head for this woman is not the victim of patriarchy but simply young and not yet sure of herself as we all are at some point. By refusing to acknowledged this reality, the start for meaningful change cannot be found and begun. This young woman would be well served with a trip to Toastmasters where she can learn to speak, voice her opinion, and ease her anxiety about the judgment of others. At a meeting she would also learn that men too do not always naturally posses the bravado and confidence necessary to speak in front of others without fear.

This principle holds true with much grievances feminists air. Young women are indeed taken advantage of by unscrupulous characters, but society itself does not have much to do with it: youthful naivete does and this holds true for young men as much as young women. We've all been there, at the age when one is naive, idealistic, and easy to take advantage of. Perhaps we felt too small to fight the landlord who was seeking to pull a fast one on us in a lease or too timid to speak up and question a start up fee from the utility company. Maybe we were swindled by a mechanic as we didn't know enough about cars or signed on the dotted line for a credit card with an exorbitant interest rate, never having read the fine print. Whatever the case may have been, these were lessons that come with the territory of being young and inexperienced in the adult matters of the world.

From these lessons most of us learn to look out for ourselves, to help friends learn from our mistakes, and to equip ourselves to do better next time. After I got burned upon leaving an apartment, I knew to take video tapes, pictures, and immaculate notes about the condition of our next rental. When I foolishly fell for it when a mechanic overcharged me while my husband was away I knew it was time to take a car repair class at the local tech school to know how to change oil and better understand how cars work to prevent making a bad choice in car repairs in the future. When I wanted to get involved with FRG but felt anxious about public speaking, my FIL told me to sign up with Toastmasters where I'd learn a few things. When a toilet went crazy the day my husband flew out, I knew as I closed the DIY home repair manual and put the tools back in the box that a home repair course was something to look into. I know many others who educated themselves and better protected themselves after their lessons learned too.

When young women are taught a system is in place to actively harm them, that men are simply born knowing what to say and do, that an old boys club exists to steal away their money, they lose out on the opportunity to learn to help themselves. If everything is out of their power and the world stacked against them, whatever would the point be in taking charge and learning the skills necessary to take charge of their lives themselves? This is precisely what is being imparted to women when everything that befalls them is blamed on the patriarchy. The women in my example above should have been given useful suggestions and practical tips for this was handing her tools to take charge of her life and become a capable adult. She should have been encouraged that most all of us feel small and are scared to express our opinions especially when young, that this is a problem many people--men and women--overcome with time and practice. But she wasn't. Instead she was told that she is the victim of a system that controls her destiny, that only with feminism, not her own efforts or assistance from benevolent helpers, can the path of her future be changed.

Feminists often decry paternalism and misogyny all while being mighty guilt of both themselves.

Instead of Blogging...

2010-07-28T16:38:00.001-07:00

Instead of blogging I've been:

*trying to beat the wicked southern heat.

*attending to techy issues elsewhere on the web.

*finishing Christmas (yes you read that right ;o)) on the cheap thanks to Christmas in July sales.

*organizing the largest FRG fundraiser I've ever been in charge of.

*reupholstering a set of four beautiful occasional chairs rescued from the curb.

*testing out the key caller phone tree.

*trying to stay cool while geocaching with my family.

*organizing FRG fundraisers and meetings for the fall and winter.

*delivering drinks and cookies to my husband and his soldiers at the drop zone in previously mentioned heat.

*interviewing violin teachers for Peapod and trying to decide which one to hire for the fall.

*going to birthday parties, BBQs, pool parties, and play dates.

*tending to MovingTarget's uniform needs with my trusty sewing skills.

*preserving summer's bountiful harvest and tending to the garden.

*finishing Peapod's Halloween costume--she's going to be a chocolate chip cookie!

*entertaining several sets of house-guests and having people over for dinner

*going through the maddening process of becoming the EFMP respite care provider for good friends of ours in the area. After I finish my husband said they'll have enough on me for a security clearance...it's that lengthy.

*chasing laying hens down the street after Peapod let them escape.

*trying not to lose my mind in the process!

It's hard to believe we're only lived here for a few months with a crazy schedule like this. And to think I thought Fayettenam would be a boring dreary place! ;)

Twilight and the Children's Birthday Party Scene

2010-07-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend Peapod was invited to a birthday party at our next door neighbor's house. Yes, that neighbor. I took her to TRU (or Toys R Us for those who don't have to say that word in code around their homes ;o)) to pick our a nice non-sleazy gift that was in the birthday party gift budget we had set. She selected a Ladybug Land from one of our favorite companies Insect Lore and got busy making a ladybug card during craft time that afternoon.

Off Peapod went to the party with me alongside her. We arrived five minutes before the party began and were the firsts to arrive. Interesting I thought as we grabbed good seats for the magic show. Everybody else arrived later and the show began. Midway through the show the magician asked for adult volunteers and that is when things became odd. He had these volunteers think of dream vacations with celebrity crushes. Naturally all of the women chose people from Twilight. This would have been icky enough but these were women who are 15-20+ years older than me. Do the math there. All I could think was how inappropriate it would be for any adult women to carry on like this about Twilight in front of their own children and a few husbands at that. I sat there quietly chatting with a few little kids as I had nothing to add to the conversation around me.

Gift opening time took me further to the Twilight zone when some of the gifts given to the birthday girl, a little girl who is turning five, were from that movie. I was stunned to say the least. The Barbies and Bratz I was expecting to see as I was venturing outside my typical Waldorf world of no-tv, Sarah's Playsilks, Elves and Angels play kitchens, daddy made wooden animals & playstands, and sweet Waldorf baby dolls, but vampires for a kindergartner?! Seriously?

I left wondering about the whole event, but especially if this is what life is going to be like from now on. Will our weekends forever include awkward birthday parties during which I'm the youngest parent by a decade and the only meanie & social pariah who has banned Barbies, Playstation, and Disney Princesses? MT and I are also wondering if we should ask for no gifts at Peapod's first kids' birthday party later this year to prevent the Barbie, Bratz, and Vampires. A "your presence is the present; no gifts please" sort of thing on the invitation. We're also quite curious about how much people spend on birthday parties for small children. Are we the only cheapskates who don't hire ponies, bounce houses, and magicians? We can afford to do so but believe doing so is inappropriate, especially for a fourth birthday party as Peapod will be celebrating this fall. Besides with creativity and planning we can pull off an enjoyable party at home with activities, food, and a lot of fun for much less money, just as my mom did. In fact, my mom's frugal birthday parties with treasure hunts, make-your-own ice cream sundae bars, and crafts were often bigger hits with the kids than were the excursions to Chuck E. Cheese and pony rides.

So fellow parents lurking out there, what are your thoughts and experiences with birthday parties for little ones? I'm collecting opinions from everywhere I can and thought why not ask on the blog too.

The Secret Life of Food

2010-07-16T06:30:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked to join my fellow foodie the Zeta Male in an exploration into gender relations and food. A project that combines two of my favorite interests, how could I say no?! My half of this little project covers the feminine side of the equation and Zeta's the masculine, so be sure to click over and read his piece too.

Food, cooking, the act of taking in calories to fuel the human body seems as if it would be a simple act; a task we undertake for basic survival and nothing more. While this is certainly true for many creatures on earth, for mankind food has evolved into something far grander than the mere act of nourishing a body enough to keep alive. As we've ventured as a species from the times of starvation, famine, and drought to the wonders of modern day big agriculture, food has become an art form in it's own right with a myriad of specialty cuisines and exotic ingredients to impart a gourmet touch to ease the cravings for food.

There are beautiful cakes, scrumptious cookies, meat simmered, roasted, and fired using a variety of methods and even more spice rubs. Restaurants line the land, catering to nearly every taste and culinary whim. Geographic specialties and ethnic recipes are passed down from grandmother to mother to daughter and with it memories, a connection between the generations, and the every culture that a family holds dear. The art of eating is enjoyable and big business, but this aspect of food culture only shows us the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the secret life of food.

Along with being enjoyable, food is often used as a tool, perhaps a status symbol one could eve argue in certain instances. For a woman to be a a good cook is to posses a key that opens many doors that wouldn't be there otherwise. Many a man sees an increase in a woman's value if she is well-learned in domestic skills. Over a bubbling pot of homemade paste sauce and exquisite dessert tarts have the sparks of romance bubbled into a loving commitment. Date nights featuring a special meal have sustained plenty of marriages through the exhausting years of early parenthood and the loving commitment of a wife to keep cooking through the rough patches helped form part of the glue that held a marriage together. Or so go the stories from many couples I know in the autumn and winters of their lives together and experiences shared by those in the trenches of dating, wedding planning, newlywed days, and the spring of marriage. When Grandma said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, she may have been right; food really does have powerful.

The power doesn't end in the romantic realm though. No, it spills over into female competition and power among the girls as well. The prettiest cupcakes at the bake sale. The perfect yule log with marzipan mushrooms for Christmas dinner. A pantry full of preserves. These are among the domestic dreams of many women, myself included, and goals that keep women working hard, striving to be the best homemaker they can be and perhaps just a wee bit better than their friends as well. To be a Martha, a Bree, a Betty Crocker is to excel at wifehood and mother, your calling in life. It's the housewife's equivalent to a fashion show really.

The competition isn't all bad, however, and often helps form the bonding between friends. She knows something I don't and I've master a skill she hasn't. Together two friends can join forces and share a fun-filled adventure in wifely learning, teaching each other and making memories along the way. We can split the work yet enjoy twice the benefit if we work together. Many of the Marthas of the world have mastered this power too. You see it in the scrapping bees, quilting clubs, marathon canning sessions, and cookie exchanges. It's the craft co-ops throughout the fall to make a handmade Christmas and the free classes at the community center to learn a new cooking skill. Feminine competition, the drive to be the best at what you do meets networking and relationship building for a splendid result for the girls in the group together. The way to an enjoyable friendship is often forged through the artistic presentation of food and the desire to master the ways of the gourmand homemaker.

Food, especially the nutrients contained within, are among the secrets of life until recent centuries. Only once those secretes were unraveled and understood did food come to have a secret life of its own.

Disarm Them With Humor

2010-07-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

Hmmm I may have found a solution to the tacky "so when are you having more kids?" question.

At a coffee this afternoon:

Person: "Why haven't you had another baby?"
Me: "The Army didn't issue us one." *said in a nice tone with smile*

Humor disarms and works like a charm.

Do Conspiracy Theories Harm Mental Health?

2010-07-13T10:09:00.001-07:00

I recently shared an interesting e-conversation with a friend during which discussion was had about conspiracy theories and how these beliefs impact the lives of their believers. In some instances people might make medical or financial decisions that are less than ideal based on fear or even inadequate information when they discount "mainstream" sources of information, opting instead to follow "alternative" information without holding it all up to skeptical scrutinize as all information deserves. I've known people who've suffered through plagues of dental problems and the subsequent poor health brought on by dental devastation when sorely needed amalgam fillings are not needed or proper toothpastes are not utilized from the youngest of ages. We are good friends with the adult daughter of a family who went into large amounts of debt for water filters, raw milk, and organic food items they could not afford to the great detriment of all their now-grown children. There are others who have provided their children with a less than ideal education due to concerns about the public school system but no adequate means and education to undertake homeschooling themselves and no hopes of utilizing a private school due to cost. These consequences are directly a result of poor choices of the believers, but we also discussed something more: do conspiracy theories harm mental health?

To quote my friend:

Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised to read about those kids. If you watch the P & T episode one of the 2012 nutjobs tries to convince a girl about 2012 so this is a real problem. It isn't just kids either. It's adults too. A long time ago on one of the peak oil debunking blogs I read there was a guy who talked about how reading about peak oil made him want to kill himself. While peak oil has a basis in reality (the fact that there is a fixed amount of oil), most of the peak oilers claim over and over again that there is no solution. That made this guy depressed and wanting to kill himself since what's the point if you're going to die anyway and have to go through the disaster of civilization collapsing. Fortunately, he snapped out of it. It does make you wonder how many people have killed themselves because of 2010 BS, peak oil collapse BS, or just conspiracy BS in general.

I can see the same thing happening because of conspiracy theories in general. Conspiracy theory always works backwards to the conspiracy never fails since the assumption is that everything the conspiracy did worked. If the conspiracy is going to murder 90% or more of the population chances are you will not survive so what's the point of going through the die off. I'm sure it's happened.

When one believes in conspiracy theories and lives their life in a way that these theories are real, there are often potential ramifications for mental health. MovingTarget recently came across a website about 2012 that broke my heart and proves my point well. Parents and teachers shared about the stress and anxiety being felt by very young children over the 2012 end of the world prophecies. These children do not posses the tools necessary to see the forest through the trees and debunk these stories for the myths they are. Little children believe what they are told and internalize the death and destruction message deeply. There was once an episode of Wife Swap in which a family was prepping for 2012. They had a countdown board and would mark off the days until the "cataclysmic event" every evening together as a family. It was not until the swap when the "zombie family" made mention of this that they realized they were having their children countdown to their own deaths. Children will be deeply impacted by these beliefs, especially in a home where this is a focus.

The harm to mental health likely goes further, even to adults. There are people who limit themselves and live in fear because of the red pill knowledge they've uncovered. There are those who contemplate suicide or feel that the future is hopeless, that we're all doomed. Even the most rational individuals might want to head to the hills after reading a doom and gloom peak oil blog. Go to any conspiracy theory message board and you will see people discussing in great detail the fear they feel about FEMA death camps and a myriad of other plots against the common folk by the powers that be. They're living in fear today, losing out on the joy they could be experiencing, because of their focus on a future that might never come to be. This phenomena reminds me much of terrorism, for the most power is not in the act itself but the fear inspired by the act. Just as terrorists win every time somebody is overcome by anxiety thanks to their dastardly deeds, so too do the spinners of conspiracy tales every time somebody is taken advantage of with their money, misses out on time spent with loved ones, or gives up too much time feeling fearful and desperate rather than working on their life and self-improvement.

To question mainstream knowledge is good. To look at the big picture is beneficial. To become so invested in the alternative world that the teachings are always right and cannot be questioned is not. Skeptical scrutiny, taking the red pill, does not demand we become so open-minded that our brains fall out. It does not mean we must affirm every tale of Illuminati power or government death plans to be smart or not a zombie or sheeple. Instead the open mind looks at the claims, seeks out data, and makes informed decisions based on the best information available at the time. Sometimes the choices may be "mainstream", other times "alternative" but in any event blind belief to the point of harm is not a virtue. Caution needs to be practiced to live a happy, healthy life and avoid harm.

How many people have killed themselves over Y2K, 2012, peak oil, or the Illuminati? How many have destroyed friendships or even families while clinging dearly to these theories? How much harm has plagued humanity in the name of taking the red pill and not being a sheep? The answer I do not know, but the risk is one that compels me to practice caution and skepticism and feel great concern for those who take conspiracy theories too seriously for their own good.

A Bumper Crop

2010-07-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

Last week found me busy crunching numbers and making dozens of phone calls. This week my heavy workload is coming from our garden. Yesterday morning Peapod and I went out to harvest the kirby cucumbers that have grown thus far and prepared the cukes for pickle making. Imagine my surprise when we wound up with enough cucumbers to 'put by' 100+ jars of pickles (half pints, half quarts) by this morning. The usual varieties were made yesterday in mass quantities and early today I was frantically flipping through cookbooks trying to find a way to utilize this bumper crop. We still have roughly 25# remaining to can today, plus whatever else grows between now and the end of summer!

Our garden has done so well this year that my idea of skipping craft shows come the fall will be foolish. With all this extra food I have enough for our family, gift giving, and the usual folks who purchase from me every year. The extra will be on sale come this fall. With whatever is in this southern soil I am almost scared to go back out to the garden and work seeing as hours upon hours of food preservation work may await me. ;)

A Tale of Gubmint Money

2010-07-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Our FRG here is a disaster. I've logged fifteen volunteer hours this past week alone, in between the Fourth of July BBQ we hosted and my parents visit this weekend, to start fixing the mess. We've been involved with some disorganized FRGs in the past, but this current one is really bad. The leader is a sweet woman and has worked very hard since she took over earlier this year but without proper support has not been able to get everything up to par. I volunteered for FRG right when we arrived as always and have been busy helping her clean up the big mess so that we can hold fundraisers and promote greater family cohesion before the deployment looming on the horizon.

Of all the issues with this FRG, the one that disturbed me the most is the way the money is being handled, or not being handled, depending on how you look at the situation. The command is not running the accounting FRG regulations. There is no SOP, no treasurer until I took over in May, and no alternate to join me as of yet. The difference between appropriated money and informal funds has not been respected as it should with no clear division in the dismal bookkeeping, forcing me on a treasure hunt to figure out what has been going with the funds this year. The fundraisers have not been being ran by legal and some have been in violation of regulations. Tangible goods donations have not been properly accounted for. No SOP has been formalized, nor are purchase orders being used to keep track of accounting. Food has been being sold outside the unit with a food handler's permit which is scandalous as these are easy to obtain from the hospital. And to top it all off, they didn't know where their bank account was or who was listed on the account!

When I went in to audit the account last month, I was handed an envelope by the commander stuffed full with cash. A lot of money. More than our renters insurance will cover sitting in our home in cash. The "accounting and audit" info was on the outside: marks about money in and money out, some nearly faded away. The envelope was labeled "FRG Bank Account". I was not sure whether to laugh or cry, whether to audit the ghastly bank account or run far far away. I went ahead and made sure all the money checked out before I dared sign for the account as I didn't want to be responsible for a mistake or misdeed that was not mine. I then headed to the bank in hopes of figuring out where the account was located. All the bank could tell me was to call the IRS, located the EIN, and then they could help me. Three phone calls later I found the bank account, learned that a deployable soldier was listed on the account (another non-no) and got the memo signed so that I could be added to the account instead.

Checkbook ordered, cash deposited, a copy of the statement coming to the unit and my home, all ready for the monthly audit I intend to do to keep track of all the money. The SOP should be signed off on this week and then we'll hold a vote by anybody who bothers to show up to our FRG meeting. This way all members have an opportunity to know how the money will be spend and raised and share their thoughts before the new plan begins. Afterward complaints will be "too bad so sad" as everybody will be made aware of their opportunity to review and vote on how our FRG will be ran. A system of purchase order is being implemented to make reimbursements easier. Accounting is in place to separate the informal funds and appropriated money. Hopefully this will close the chapter on the money mess.

With the money accounted for and safely stowed away, now begins the challenge of working towards making a successful FRG before deployment time. Per the request of the leader, I'm hosting a coffee at my home this week to brainstorm with the precious few fellow volunteers ways to get people to the meetings and ways to perhaps fill the key caller slots. Until then, the leader and I are making all of those calls ourselves, writing & editing the newsletter, and planning fundraisers to get our account ready for next year. It seems this town may not be so boring after all! ;)

Working for the government is mighty frustrating even when you're not on the payroll but just a mere "statutory volunteer"!

Hestia Work: Center, Balance, and Focus

2010-07-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

Photo Credit

The desire and earliest seeds sown for my business were not entirely for financial reasons. The money is a nicety to be sure, but mixing my products, stitching up the seams, plotting new formulas, designs, and packaging has provided me with the "room of my own", a creative endeavor to nurture in place of the large family we have not been able to have, something of my own in a life that demands I be ready to give up whatever is needed for my husband's career, and tasks on which I deeply focus and find balance and a center in the process. On the most stressful days, when emotions are most volatile, there is a special sort of peace to be found in work that is mundane, a bit monotonous, and quite repetitive. To iron or stitch on fabric familiar to my hands quiets my mind and allows me to reflect and contemplate matters that I can't when my mind is too hurried. Mixing products forces me to focus on the here and now, knowing if I goof up even when natural chemicals derived from mother earth that something could go wrong and I might be harmed. This is my Hestia work; tasks that demand concentration or bring me to a place of quiet contemplating as the rhythmic work soothes my soul.

The same holds true with much domestic labor, obvious Hestia work by the realm in which it takes place. Plotting gardens on graph paper, potting the herbs, tending to the earth. Puttering with mantle displays, Baking bread. Planning homeschool lessons. Teaching phonics to my three year old. Exploring butterflies and spending the afternoon conversing about what we see in the clouds. All is soothing Hestia work, a break from the hustle and bustle of the world, a time to focus on simple pleasures and soothing wayward emotions and a tired spirit.

Such work is good for one's self, but also for those around you. To be centered and focused allows you to be the light bearer, to provide warmth in a controlled for those who need you. This work helps direct passions towards appropriate means and power to be harnessed and utilized for good. When you know yourself, you can best give to others and unravel the secrets of their souls, understand their needs, be the companion and consort they do desperately need.

Sometimes balance also comes not from work but from tears, the authentic sort that you cannot hold back. These are the intense emotional indulgences of the private, of tear stained journal pages where the ink runs down the pages. It's the intense feelings that bring you outside at night to contemplate pain and grief under the moon. It's the feelings that demand an early rising with the morning's first bird songs to perch on the front porch rocking chair beneath the ferns to greet the sunrise and relish nature's closest thing to silence as you think of nothing, clear your mind of the clutter, and prepare for the challenges in the days ahead.

Both parts of Hestia's work are important for balance. You must center and focus to keep the flames blazing and in control, to be ready to give of yourself, to give love and kindness to a dark world.

Happy Fourth!

2010-07-05T08:06:00.001-07:00

I hope all of my American readers had a great Fourth of July!

We hosted a BBQ for friends and even got Peapod involved in some entertaining duties this year. She made and assembled the stars to top our traditional blueberry pie as seen below and was also thrilled to help make a flag veggie tray. I had been hoping to use slices of starfruit for the stars on top of the blueberries but could not find one of these fruits at any store. So we made do with piping whipping cream stars with a pastry bag.

At dusk we were out with citronella candles in little canning jar lanterns, sparklers and telescopes as all of the little ones at our party were just as enthused for MovingTarget to show them the planet Venus as they were to watch the fireworks up in the sky over our neighborhood. We're hoping to get everybody back here for a moonlit cosmos exploring picnic later this year. :)

I Am Not A Victim To Be Saved

2010-07-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

From my inbox:

Seeing military wives painted with the victim brush on Free Jinger left a bad taste in my mouth.

This woman went on to share more but has asked me only to share this peek of the email. I wholeheartedly agree with her and must say that this is not the first time such sentiments have been expressed to or about me. I've found when I've lived through challenges, survived struggles, and become stronger as a result, there are always people there ready and waiting to place the mantle of "victim" upon my shoulder and seeking to be my savior, the one who leads me to the light of my oppression and hands whatever their chosen ideology/religion might be to solve my life's problems. The fact that all of this completely denigrates the hard work I've done and the gracious help that has been provided to me by others is typically lost on them. I don't think people necessarily do this to be unkind, or that some of them even realize what they are doing. Instead such behavior may be people projecting onto you how they would feel in your shoes and thus how they believe you should feel.

Such thinking fails to give credit to people who made choices with their eyes wide open as adults are supposed to do and this is what I find particularly troubling. I married my husband realizing in full, or at least as fully as I could before living a little in the military lifestyle, the tumultuous emotions, challenges, and very real risks & danger that could lay ahead in our lives. I was aware I was walking away from a life that could have always allowed me to have my extended family nearby and knew that this would especially challenging when/if we were blessed with children. I knew my desire for roots would never be realized, as long as my husband stayed in the military. I was all too aware that major illness, car accidents, a death in the family, giving birth to a baby, and the many other big events in life could befall us when my husband was far away and unable to be there.

I knew we were at the mercy of this new entity that ruled our lives and that our beliefs and politics didn't matter when a set of orders came. I knew there would be many questions to answer and tears to cry should we ever experience deployment with little ones. I understood our dreams for a large family or "perfect" child spacing may very well be impossible or greatly altered thanks to military demands.I was also all too aware that Something Terrible could happen, ending all of the hopes, dreams, and the very life we shared together, either by changing everything drastically due to a grave injury, or ending everything altogether, if--God forbid--one of those dreaded knocks ever came to my door. But I loved my husband dearly and wasn't going to let these lofty lists of challenges keep me from marrying the man I loved.

Many of those times have come through our six years taking on the world together as husband and wife and most were challenges I would have never dreamed of back then. The minor flat tire in a creepy parking lot, plumbing issues, and hurricane coming in right as his plane were flying out have all happened and likely will again and again in the future. I've packed and unpacked houses on my own, navigated my way around new areas with my lackluster navigation and map reading skills, and began a business while home alone. MovingTarget just barely made it for our daughter's birth and was only there because she was born prematurely, meaning I had been prepared to give birth and spend my first year of motherhood alone. I watched a casualty alert team pull up to my friends house and tell her her husband would not be coming home when she was twenty one and six months pregnant. The miscarriages, house fire, broken ankle, chronic illness diagnosis, grandmother's battle with cancer, and Peapod's speech delay were all surprises, not challenges I had ever considered, but as with everything else I got through them and didn't merely survive but learned to thrive because of the challenges.

All life's challenge are simply be held to the fire so you can learn and grown, develop more emotional resilience and strength, and be able to help others as a result. Many of the trying times give you perspective and also funny stories for the future, some of which might even encourage a new military wife facing her first rough deployment.

I'm proud of the work I've done and sometimes amazed at what I was able to do when I had no other choice. I've mastered the time management skills to get everything done, tend to our long distance marriage, spend ample time with our sweet little daughter, and still have time to read, write, or indulge in hobbies after she's bed. I've learned how to better weed out toxic influences from my life and to choose friends who encourage rather than mope with me. I helped my daughter work through a speech delay and master a vocabulary that has brought her above where she should be on the charts one year later. I canned 800 jars of food on my own last summer after Peapod was asleep. I've entertained family, friends, and neighbors without my handsome host by my side helping with last minute details and spun a strong support net through this sharing of food and laughter. I built my business largely on my own and with help over the phone while my husband was away. I earned my sleep, my smiles, and the self-respect I feel from having accomplished all of this and thrived through the storms that have marked my path. Other military wives have done the same, working hard to do right by their families and facing with graceful strength the challenges that have come onto their paths.

We're not victims of the military but women who have learned to become Army Strong. Many of us may have been very young when we started our crazy adventures. We may have even been girls at that point, but the fierce challenges of life in general, and the military in particular, have made us women. As a dear friend of mine always says, "the army made a woman out of me!"

The Reason to Live Debt-Free

2010-07-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why we worked hard to pay off debt and continue to live debt-free. This parable shared at Vox's blog illustrates one of the most important reasons why: for our child and her peace of mind.

Part of debt-free living is opting against a wardrobe of all new Carters clothing for cute but thriftier items and saying no to toys throughout the year so we can treat Peapod to top quality natural toys come Christmas and her birthday. We search through the racks of library book sales to stock our home library, refinish furniture picked up at the thrift store, coupon at the commissary, and opt for camping at state parks over fancier vacations. We've lived with one car, as little house as we could get by while stationed in high cost of living areas, and pinch the pennies by watching our energy usage. We do all of this not because we "have" to to survive but to provide a rosy financial future for Peapod.

The day is coming soon when she'll probably be embarrassed by frugality much as I once was when my friends saw the store brand foods my parents purchased to save money to survive the economic turmoil that was Detroit. We know this and sometimes this knowledge breaks my heart, but just as I did, I trust that Peapod will see the value in our choices when she's old enough to understand. She'll see that rather than useless material goods, we've given her the bedrock of financial common sense, a good work ethic, the discipline of self-denial and only luxuries that were wisely considered, not given to keep up with the Joneses.

The reasons to live debt-free are many, but Peapod is among the most important reasons why.

Why We Walked Away

2010-07-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

Author's Note: The term "fundamentalism" in this piece of writing is not being used in the sense of the dictionary definition of the word or the "fundamentals of the Christian faith" or the historical Protestant movement. Instead it's being used to represent the harsh fire and brimstone, strict rules not entirely from the Bible, keeps you from knowing God and truth sort of way.

A few readers, both new and long-term, have posed some questions and asked if I might be willing to share a bit more about leaving my fundamentalist roots, the hows and whys, and the changes that have been made in my life as a result. There is much I cannot yet articulate as I cannot find the words and other parts that I'm not comfortable sharing about having been hurt after sharing too much in the past.

First and foremost walking away was initially more intellectual than emotional. We didn't wake up one day and think "boo to you fundie church" on a whim or anything like that. Instead, I asked too many questions and did too much research, much as the girls in Bluebeard were far too curious for their own good. I had always taken at face value what was being preached in church or taught in books, especially if it was emotionally appealing, until I began reading good Christian wife manuals that encouraged me to have a morning devotional time and read the Bible cover to cover. Once I began reading in-depth, purchasing a concordance, meaty theological texts, and writings about church history was only natural. Soon I was researching everything I could get my hands on about these subjects, as is so typical for me. I tend to master everything about one specific subject before moving on to the next. Fascinated by all I had read, I began reading about the conversion and apostasy experiences of others Christians who had switched denominations or went from Protestant to Orthodox or Catholic. My husband also joined me on this journey and we'd often discuss what we were learning as we began to understand Scriptures better.

Soon we had many questions about teachings we had been taught in church. My husband called our pastor and arranged a time to sit down with him to discuss our questions and hopefully gain insight. We were pretty much told to close our minds and stop reading for we weren't understanding the TRUE IFB teachings. (Hopefully this will help others better appreciate why I don't put any value on "but this isn't real *insert subject here*" as I can no longer close my eyes as I once did. That youthful trust has been viciously killed.) We stayed with the church but began to go on a different path. I did a bit of volunteer work and earned some money from home. I occasionally wore pants under my skirts. That sort of thing. We earned a lot of flack for this and, in fact, my miscarriages were blamed on my rebellion by the pastor. This happened when my husband was not around and I was too ashamed to tell him at the time. Had he been there or I shared, he said we would have been out of there ASAP. Another time when he was gone a hurricane hit our town. Being all alone I boarded up the windows myself and prepared for the storm to learn later this was man's work and sinful for me to engage in.

Then Peapod came along and all $%^& broke lose when we refused to follow Ezzo's teachings with our tiny preemie who could barely stir awake to nurse. She was just too tired to be hungry. All of that a moot point really as we were not using Ezzo's methods no matter what as ecological breastfeeding was more our thing. Oddly my husband was not allowed to lead his family in this way despite the tenets of biblical patriarchy being taught in the church. We left this church at that point and joined another one once we moved that wasn't quite as strict and obsessive about member's lives but was still very IFB. It was while we were attending this church that our baby Ezekiel died in-utero. Once again my pregnancy loss was blamed on something I must doing that was rebellious. My husband made us leave this church and we opted instead to "do church" with friends until we moved to our new duty station.

We were off the plane for less than hour out there when the phone call came that my husband was deploying the next month and with that deployment came the final nails in the coffin of my fundie faith. I was given grief for everything: changing tires, managing the money, taking out the trash, and on and on and on. None of these people obsessed with gender roles ever offered to do a thing in my husband's absence just judged me for being responsible and doing what needed to be done. This was a huge slap in the face but an important learning experience. The noise became too much and just as I did this week with this post I made a commitment to make everything end and stopped attending church, the fundie playgroup, and the Bible study I was apart. My only Christian fellowship was with PWOC on base. This was a matter of self-preservation, emotional health, and taking care of my family, one that I'll repeat as much as necessary, drawing a boundary whenever something is stealing away something I don't have to give freely.

This choice provided me with the time and resolve necessary to start doing the hard soul searching work that was necessary. Many conversations were had over webcam and cell phones during the remaining months of the deployment with my husband finally being able to confess how much grief he felt seeing me disappear and become what was pretty much a shell of the girl he'd married. He never wanted to tell me before as he knew I couldn't take criticisms at that point in time, mere months after Ezekiel died, so he waited until he knew I was ready, trusting that I'd make it to that point someday. And then the repair work could begin. We reflected on how misogynist and misandrist our adventures in fundamentalism had been. My husband said he believed the belief system we escaped was anti-human pure and simple and very cruel. He always had a hard time with it, even when he thought it was supported by Scripture as he was raised by a non-religious father and a Korean Buddhist mother and has great respect for balance, for yin and yang. We'd always enjoyed a very happy, loving, and nurturing marriage, something many of my fundie friends did not have, making the destruction all the more difficult to see until the damage to me was deep.

There's been much work to do to "catch up" and much to relearn and discover for the first time now that my eyes can be open as opposed to fearful. There's been a lot to do to be the best wife to my husband and mother to Peapod based not on good wife manuals or the expectations of others but with our reality in mind. I've taken my working at home to something that was occasional cake decorating and food preservation class teaching to a line of products I developed with my college drop-out chemistry education and now have on the shelves of a few little shops. I've done this not to earn money for living expenses but to make the financial choices that will give my husband a real choice when it comes time to leave the Army or sign on that dotted line again. I've stopped apologizing for wanting to do more volunteer work as the old system made me feel was wrong. I'm also back in school and taking a few classes at a time to complete my degree. This was always our intention, but we only had the time and money for us to do it one at a time. Since my husband needed a degree to increase his earning power he went first and now it's my turn to finish debt-free.

We're considering private school for Peapod next fall as we question the soundness in home educating an only child who adores spending time with other children. I'm slowly feeling less guilt for having more time and money than friends with more children, embracing these as my "consolation prizes" for the painful experiences that have made us a "party of three." We're enjoying the extra attention and resources we can devote to Peapod as a result and finding ways to bless others through the pain.

Walking away from fundamentalism is a process, not a product, much to my own frustration and dismay. It's not simply pulling a new worldview off of a shelf but crafting a new life after much has shattered. The experience reminds me a bit of breaking a Christmas tree ornament that was so dear to me, one that couldn't be replaced. So badly I wanted to just snap my fingers and make it whole again, but this couldn't be done. Saving my cherished little bit of memory had to be done with much work, much time spent with the super glue and patience to piece the bulb all back together again. So it goes with soul work and finding a place in the world when your roots have been forcefully pulled up from the ground.

A Commitment

2010-06-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made several choices I now regret with regards to my blog and participating on a certain message board. As I typed away I knew I shouldn't as I'm not at a place emotionally to handle much cruelty right now, but being a glutton for punishment I went ahead anyway. In doing so I set myself up for a mob-fest, to be an animal in a cage, being poked and prodded for the delight of those who couldn't care less about me or having any actual dialogue with me barring a precious few who did converse with thoughtfulness and are truly in a league all their own. For this I sincerely thank them and apologize that they were lumped in with less than kind individuals in my blog posts.

Already feeling out of sorts and having been having a difficult time emotionally these past two weeks, I found myself in tears over all of this yesterday. I was mainly upset with myself for having made such a stupid decision, now having turned my blog, a place of meaningful reflection for myself, into a freak show to be pulled apart by others. And I'm disappointed in myself for having spent so much time on something so useless when I had more important activities I could have been dedicating my time to. I feel so beaten down right now. This is a difficult time of year as I've mentioned several times this past week and stupid me keeps adding on to it.

Last night I made a commitment to myself and my family. Shedding tears over e-drama is a good sign that you need to reflect and make changes after all. Being unable to sleep and feeling nauseated from emotional stress are even better signs. No more am I going to be sucked into meaningless debates with people who don't care about me and only want to ridicule me. No engaging people on my own blog who are here to be malicious or to shame me for trying to learn or discover about the world whether they be feminists who want to bully me into wearing their label or traditionalists who want to shove me back into a box. No more apologies in real life or online for having an only child, trying to heal from my miscarriages, earning an income, changing flat tires, or doing anything else that I need to do for the benefit of myself and my family.

Sometimes there just seem to be so many voices swirling about that you can't find the silence to reflect and truthfully examine everything. Everywhere you turn there is somebody somewhere judging you, telling you how wrong you are, wanting to woo you to their side, or seeking favors from you. No matter how much I wish this weren't so, this is part of life and will never change. I must adapt and refuse to let myself be pushed around. Being wrong is okay. Making mistakes is how we learn. Changing as I learn and mature is perfectly acceptable. Never learning to be myself or comfortable in my skin is not okay. Learning to do this is a matter of self-preservation and must start now. So I make this commitment to my family and myself and blog it to hold myself accountable. No more tears, no more foolish choices, no more participating in e-activities that leave me drained of emotional energy that should be invested into my family, friends, and others who deserve it. I'm not going to invest the precious resources that are time and emotions I cannot afford to lose.

For the time being comment moderation is enabled. More changes may be on the way.

Defining Feminism

2010-06-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

During a debate I was asked to define how I'm using the terms feminism and feminist. Much of this is hyperbole perhaps but is based on fact. Without further ado, here is my definition:

Chiefly feminism would be defined as any ideology that seeks to elevate the feminine above the masculine: FEMININE-ISM as Zed would say. It's girls are better than boys, anything a man can do a woman can do better, that sort of attitude. It's the notion that women are superior parents and so they should receive custody by default in all custody cases across the board as opposed to 50/50 custody as the default without a situation warranting the judge to make special accommodations. It's a legal system that lets the faces of men falsely accused of rape be flashed across television screens across the nation while a woman who maliciously files a false claim walks away without legal repercussions.

Feminism is living in a fantasy world where everybody has fulfilling careers not jobs to simply keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. It's a place where babies can be put on the back-burner to build careers first, a magical place where fertility doesn't peak before a woman's thirties. It's a place where all sorts of toxic stereotypes about men can run amok all while men never push back, never have enough, never walk away. It's a place where we teach our children myths that will cause them harm, rather than strong bedrock of truth on which to make the best of plans.

Feminism is a system that cries that men are unnecessary while promoting programs funded by tax payers, many of whom are high earning men. It's taking a tax payer grant, starting a business and claiming you did it all on your own as a strong independent woman as if the money appeared out of thin air. It's demanding more and more and more from an economic system that is heading for a disaster, looking to the here and now, not the dire needs the future will hold. The grrrls do not need men until a ditch needs digging, a war needs fighting, or a socialized medical system needs funding.

The feminine first system is the claim that feminists earned women all sorts of rights as if the blood of many, many, many men didn't run all over the ground to found and defend the United States and other countries. It's spitting on the sacrifices of all those but your chosen group as if woman were an island and can get by without men. It's celebrating girl power, the advancement of our daughters, while our sons hurt and exist in a system that has set them up for failure. It's encouraging women to align themselves with their sisters first rather than the good caring men in their lives. It's "woman first" at the expense of everybody else.

Feminism is the movement that has murdered millions of babies. It's the movement that has asked if men are necessary and called for their deaths in the SCUM Manifesto. It's the movement that has helped malign all men as rapists and turned masculinity into a dark, dangerous, and evil force. Fathers have been made redundant, children objects over whom women can play God. A destructive force that has wedged itself between men and women, turning the rather innocent "battle of the sexes" into a full out war with the pain felt by many bystanders cluttered all over the battlefield, that is feminism and by what I define my term.

For my Free Jinger feminist visitors, may I suggest a few more posts on the subject for further reading:
*A Womanly Code of Honor
*In Defense of Male Sexuality
*Conservative Misandry
*Marriage: It's Not About You, It's About US
*The Greenest Grass
*Men As Nurturing
*What Is Feminist Sex?
*The Insults Feminists Throw at Anti-Misandrist Women
*The many posts under my gender relations tag

ETA: From the comments, a short definition of feminism

Feminism is the theory and practice of prioritizing women's interests ahead of those of men and children, and of institutionalizing that prioritization.

That is, after all, what the word actually means etymologically, and what its adherents actually practice objectively.
~Acksiom

This Is What Feminists Look Like

2010-06-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I was troubled to find an attack launched against Laura over on a website notorious for being hateful towards women who do not embrace feminist ideology. There was talk of kidnapping Laura to set her straight. Accusations were made that her husband must beat her. These women questioned Laura's intelligence and character all while never providing well-reasoned arguments but insults as is all too typical of feminists. As I read these words about Laura and felt the outrage inside me, I realized these antics aren't just merely on attack on a woman for whom I have much respect but a fine example of feminist tactics. This is how feminists behave. This is what a Strong Empowered Woman looks like: a group of sharks circling their prey, taking their vengeful bites with no logical argument, no thoughtful consideration, nothing but venom because you dare disagree with them.

More than though, this is a fine example of the lack of imagination and insight feminists have about their opponents. They believe every man who questions feminism is an misogynist, somebody who lives in his mother's basement, somebody who contributes nothing to society and has no value. They believe every woman who dares question their ideology is stupid, being beat into submission, and of absolutely no value. Any woman who succeeds without embracing feminism is somebody they seek to turn into a victim of the patriarchy, a woman who couldn't have succeed without feminism to help her out. While all of this could not be farther from the truth, it's ironic to me that such a misogynistic spiel comes from the mouths of those who seek to "empower women". It's also fascinating that those who supposedly don't hate men can't figure out any logical reason as to why men don't like to be considered potential rapists, child molesters, being taken to the cleaners in divorce court, and so forth. If this does not prove the true colors of feminism, I don't know what does.

Feminism does not exist to empower women. The opposite of feminist is not a lowly doormat who has nothing to offer the world and is beaten into submission by the imaginary patriarchy. In fact many female anti-feminists are quite successful in what they do, whether this be being a full-time wife as Laura does, working at home as do I, or helping with the family income outside the home ala Kim at Equal But Different. Anti-feminists come in all stripes. Men against feminism also break the mold of narrow feminist ideas about who they are. Think outside the stereotypes grrrls or else you will continue making yourselves look very silly while your relevance continues to slip away.