The Common Cosmonaut

Hemlock Grove Reviewed

2013-04-26T11:42:00.001-05:00

Hemlock Grove, Netflix's latest entry of original programming, is a horror series attempting to cash in on the latest in teen horror. Though with Eli Roth behind the helm Hemlock Grove has got a few more teeth than most teen horror series of late. Don't expect it to be as edgy as the Hostel series of films, but it will give those who hate Twilight, such as myself, something to watch that doesn't make you want to gouge your eyes out with an ice pick.

The story centers on the small town of Hemlock Grove located somewhere in the hills of Pennsylvania. Like most small towns in America there is a single rich family, the Godfreys, while everyone else lives in near poverty, especially the local gypsies, the Rumanceks. However, when the freaks from both families team up to solve a slew of local murders, which only happen during a full moon, town conceptions of what is real is challenged.

Peter Rumancek(Landon Liboiron) is a gypsy werewolf, which makes seems to make a logical combination. A werewolf should be a traveling nomade, this would allow him to feast on a town for a spell, after which he would move along to the next unsuspecting town. However, this is not the case with Peter. When he transforms he never does so on an empty stomach, claiming that only sick werewolfs feast on human flesh. While Peter has the ability to shape-shift, his loving mother does not, she only has her wits to keep her gypsy ass safe.

Roman Godfrey(Bill Skarsgard), heir to the Godfrey fortune and the town's 'White Tower' is the more mysterious half of this dynamic duo. While having sex with random women, Roman likes to cut himself, rubbing the blood on his partner. Roman also has the ability to look people in the eye, offer up a suggestion to which they will always follow. If you have seen any Vampire movies then you will know exactly what Roman is, even if he doesn't know himself. Does he find out? You'll have to watch the series to know.

There is an awkward love triangle that forms between Peter, Roman and Leetha(Penelope Mitchell), Roman's cousin. From the first episode on one can feel the tension between Roman and Leetha, but they know it's forbidden because they are blood. Add Peter to the equation and Leetha is smiten, while Roman is insanely jealous. Even so, the search for the murderer must go on and Roman pushes aside his jealousy because he knows that he needs to do something important, for he is warrior.

The most mysterious of the bunch is Roman's over protective mother Olivia Godfrey(Famke Janssen). No one knows where she comes from and it's nearly impossible to ascertain by her strange accent, which seems to change with every line. It feels as though Famke couldn't decide from which country she wanted her character to originate. Olivia's words are cloaked in mysterious sayings from her past, never revealing too much and confusing everyone. Roman eventually calls her on her mysterious ways.

There are a few weak points the series, primarily the writing and continuity. The dialoge is written by an adult who has never heard a teenager speak, but thinks he knows how the cool kids talk. It never feels natural. It's as though the youth are trying speak like an intelligent adult but maintain their rebellious tongue. From the first episode on the viewer must pay very close attention or she will be utterly lost in what has happened and when. I would love the producers to provide a timeline of events as a companion to the series, this would help clear up some of the confusion. For example, the first murder takes place after the school year as started, as the girl is murdered after she is seen leaving class. However, later in the episode we find out that the school year has yet to begin. Later in the series it is implied that Peter was in town during the first murder, but he is clearly shown coming into town after the murder investigation has begun.

Acting, visual effects and direction are the highlights of this series. Landon and Bill both portray their characters with a quite intensity. As to be expected from an Eli Roth produced anything, there is plenty of gore to feast your eyes upon. The werewolf transformation scenes are very different and very well done. Skin slides off the newly transformed werewolf and he shakes blood off his body as though he were recently bathed in blood.

While not as good as the pervious series produced by Netflix, this is a strong entry that creates a ton of potential for a solid following. While not as edgy as it should be, if you stick through all 13 episodes you will be glad you did. Hemlock Grove is worthy of your viewing.

Battle: Los Angeles Reviewed

2013-03-14T13:28:00.000-05:00

There are certain movies that I know from the first thirty seconds of a preview I will like, Battle: Los Angeles is no exception. The movie starts of with stunning visuals and special effects, ending the same way. The documentary style gives the film a real life quality not found in other more "polished" science fiction flicks, such as Independence Day.

Director Jonathan Liebesman does not waste much time on back story, giving us just enough to know that our characters are real. Beginning with news reports that an armada of historic proportions has begun an invasion in multiple countries, but soon we find ourselves 24 hours prior for character introductions. We find Sgt. Michael Nantz running on the beach, only to be passed by the younger, faster Marines of his platoon. Several more Marines are introduced in a similar manner, showing the audience their human side before the battle begins.

Sgt. Michael Nantz, played by Aaron Ekart, is tasked to help lead a small platoon into the alien territory to rescue some civilians trapped in a police station. The platoon is lead by 2nd Lt. William Martinez, who is fresh out of Officer Training School, into battle with no combat experience. The platoon is later joined by Sgt. Elena Santos, played by Michelle Rodriguez, from the Air Force.

The special effects are top notch, with only a few instances that feel fake. The camera doesn't spend much time on the aliens, which helps with the believability factor. There is constant movement, giving the film a gritty documentary feel. A lot of attention was given to the combat behavior of the Marines, from the way the hold their rifles to their calling out commands, it feels as though you are watching a real group of Marines fight an invading horde of aliens.

This movie has everything that one looks for in action sci-fi, big explosions, big special effects, guns, and more explosions.

Top 10 Horror Movies

2013-03-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

I have come back from my lab, I've hung up my lab coat, and washed out my beakers. The Top Ten Horror Movies list has been completed. It was a tough experiment but I believe that you will like the results, if you don't feel free to voice your opinion. There are a few themes that you might notice on this list. First, many of the movies are what the youngsters would consider 'old'. The main criteria for making this this was the movie's ability to scare people. Movies that rely primarily on extreme gore need not apply, this list comprises of movies that also play with people's fears and emotions. Second, several of the movies play with spiritual matters and I believe this is because, while we may not all have the same religion, the idea of spirits and demons attacking us is extremely frightening.

The List

1. The Exorcist - 1973

As you already know, this movie is about a little girl that gets possessed by a demon and her mother's struggles to have a priest exorcise the demon from her body. William Friedkin directed this horror classic that stars Linda Blair and Max von Sydow. This is a near perfect horror film, which is why it has earned the number one spot on the list. The demonic imagery throughout the film alone is enough to cause nightmares, but if that's not enough try on the spinning heads or devilish voice that comes out of the girl. If you are looking to scare yourself to sleep watch this movie alone late at night. Don't bother with the sequels...

2. Halloween - 1978

Halloween could truly be the first slasher movie that achieved mainstream success and was praised by critics. This is a movie that sent horror movies on it's current path of gore fests, though that wasn't the original intent of the creator, John Carpenter. Jamie Lee Curtis stars in this movie about a man who has recently escaped from a mental institute, returned to his home town and started to stalk the local teenagers, on Halloween night. What makes this movie scary is the fact that nothing is supernatural, everything about this movie is plausible which means this could actually happen. Imagine walking around your neighborhood and night knowing someone could be hiding in the bushes waiting to kill you.

3. The Ring - 2002

The Ring is the only "modern" movie to make the list, by that I mean it's the only movie that was made within the last decade. That being said the source material dates back to 1998. Gore Verbinski directed this remake of the Japanese classic, many prefer the original version of the film, but I tend to prefer this remake. Essentially, if you watch this video tape, you will die. A journalist tries to find a loophole, but everywhere she looks she comes up empty. What makes this movie so scary is the idea of a dead spirit coming back for revenge on anyone who happens to watch this tape.

4. Rosemary's Baby (1968)

If you take away the demonic elements, this movie is only about a complicated pregnancy with some nosy neighbors. However, with the demonic elements, this is one scary movie. The idea of satanic neighbors wanting to help protect and raise your child is scary as hell. Rosemary's Baby has no jump out from behind a wall scares or gore to speak of, it's all psychological scares, playing on societies fear of the unknown (Rosemary has no idea what is happening with her baby) and Satanism. This is a Roman Polanski masterpiece.

5. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

It seems as though 1968 is a popular year for the scariest movies. Zombies are all the rage now, but what makes this movie so great is it's pioneering spirit. This is the first successful zombie movie, made on a budget of $114,000 and grossing $12 million at the domestic box office. Night of the Living Dead is George A. Romero's criticism of societies consumerism, the zombies representing American's as mindless consumers. Today people believe the zombie apocalypse is going to happen, but Mr. Romero was simply making social commentary flick that scared the pants off of Americans. What makes this particular film, and zombies, so scary is the the endless hoard attacking, you know the end is coming, it's just a matter of time.

6. The Evil Dead (1981)

Demons, no escape, secluded in the woods, buckets of blood, there isn't anything about this movie that isn't scary, including the acting! The Evil Dead is arguably the first horror movie to use excessive amounts of gore to help increase the scare value, but it also relies on all of the old school techniques to produce those scares. Sam Raimi is a master behind the camera, using low-budget methods to create an environment that truly scares the audience.

7. Child's Play (1988)

Many might be surprised to see this movie on the list, but let's examine why this movie is so damn scary. A doll, which should be an inanimate object, comes to life and begins to kill people. There is voodoo magic, soul possession, murder, what's not to like? But what really makes this movie scary is the turning the innocence of a child's toy into an evil being. Also this is the movie that caused my parents to cancel cable when I was a child.

8. Carrie (1976)

Teenage girls are evil, angry and diabolical already, now add psychic powers on top of that and the formula is extremely scary. Stephen King, The Master of Horror, provides the source material. Brian De Palma is at the helm, while Sissy Spacek plays the extremely volatile Carrie. Again this is another movie playing with psychological scares instead of gore and shock value.

9. The Shining (1980)

This list wouldn't be complete without the movie that brought us the line, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." While this is one of the scarier movies ever made, it's not to the liking of Stephen King, who was so displeased with this version of his book that he had a new version produced in 1997. However, critics and audiences alike disagreed with Mr. King's assessment of this flick. The Shining would be scary without the ghosts being present because of the setting alone. Living in a large hotel closed of the winter would most assuredly scare the pants off of most people, if not drive them insane.

10. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

This movie holds a special place in my heart and that's because I'm from Texas. However, many of the plot elements of this movie are based on Ed Gein, a serial killer and grave robber from Wisconsin. This movie is a "slasher" but many of the scares come from the fear of being killed, not actually being killed. Leatherface is an iconic movie villan. The reality of the movie is what makes this movie so scary and horrific. It's based on real events from the past and these events could easily happen again.

Honorable Mention:

11. The Omen (1976)

12. Poltergeist (1982)

13. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

14. Psycho (1960)

15. The Thing (1982)

Hypothetical Sunday: The Honesty Room

2013-03-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

The Honesty Room

Someone builds a paranormal "Honesty Room." Within the walls of this room, it is impossible for anyone to tell lies (or to avoid answering whatever questions they are asked). This same inventor also creates a memory loss drug that is released into the air inside the Honesty Room as an airborne mist; what this means is that people who enter the Honesty Room will not remember what they said, what questions they were asked, or even that they were ever there. The only antidote to the memory loss drug is a pill, and you have this pill. So, in essence, you have access to a room where every guest who enters will tell ou the absolute truth (about anything) and then immediately forget what they were asked and what they said. But you will retain everything you learn.

You are inside the Honesty Room with your parents. What do you ask them?

I have been thinking about this hypothetical for a long time. I know what I would ask friends, bosses, enemies, but to ask your parents a question in this room, that's tough.

I believe that I have very honest parents, it seems as though they have told me everything and are willing to answer any question I ask them honestly. However, there is always that feeling that someone is hiding something from you or only giving you half-truths. I think I would ask my parents this question, which is a two-parter: Have you ever lied to me or given me half-truths and if so what was the lie and what was the truth?

From Chuck Klosterman's Hypertheticals

Celebrity Hot of the Week: Alice Eve

2013-03-10T08:51:00.000-05:00

This week's Celebrity Hot is another girl who has that classic beauty, Alice Eve. You might remember her from such films as She's Out of My League and Men in Black 3. She is also slated to appear in the upcoming Star Trek film, Star Trek Into Darkness.

Olympus Has Fallen

2013-03-08T10:23:00.001-06:00

A movie that doesn't seem to be getting much press is Olympus Has Fallen, I didn't know about this movie until a month ago and I was under the impression that it's release was a ways out, but alas it is releasing March 22. This movie stars Aaron Eckart, Gerard Butler, and Morgan Freeman, all great actors, and the trailer shows a lot of promise. Check it out:

Blog Directory

Friday Movie News Roundup

2013-03-08T10:00:00.001-06:00

I'm going to attempt a new feature on the blog, a weekly Movie News Roundup post. I know many fans are looking for news about the lastest movies, but might have a hard time finding the best stories. It is my goal to create a weekly list of the best stories for you the movie fan. This first post is going to be a little short, but is should be packed with some movie goodness for you to sink your teeth into. Also, it might take a few weeks for me to get this right, please make any comments about the content and presentation so that I can improve feature in the coming weeks, thanks!

George Lucas Says Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Harrison For Are in the 'Final Stages of Negotiation'

It feels like a day doesn't go by without some quote, rumor, or speculation that Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Harrison Ford will return for the next set of Star Wars movies. Earlier this week, Fisher said "yes," only to have her publicist say it was just a joke. But now the latest word comes from arguably the most reliable source: George Lucas. In Bloomberg Businessweek, in a long piece about Disney's purchase of Lucasfilm, the man himself let this slip: “We had already signed Mark and Carrie and Harrison — or we were pretty much in final stages of negotiation." He quickly realized his misstep: “Maybe I’m not supposed to say that. I think they want to announce that with some big whoop-de-do, but we were negotiating with them.” Then, trying to cover up: “I won’t say whether the negotiations were successful or not.” Nice try, George. There's no way in this galaxy or one far, far away that those three would just shrug their shoulders and pass on this. See full story here.

Ok so for those fans who really enjoyed the original trilogy this is more good news. As many of you already know J.J. Abrams was tapped to direct the lastest entry in the Star Wars Franchise, which seems like a brilliant move on Disney's part, everything that man touches turns to gold. This only makes me more excited for the upcoming film.

The Great Sam Raimi Talks Oz, The Avengers, and some other stuff...

This is a great interview with Sam, you should check it out.

Liam Neeson and Giovanni Ribisi are Looking to Join Seth MacFarlane's '8 Million Ways to Die'

"8 Million" stars MacFarlane as Albert, a farmer who chickens out of a gunfight and loses his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried) in the process. Neeson is in talks to play a badass outlaw whose wife (Charlize Theron) teaches the farmer how to shoot, leading to the inevitable showdown, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

If Ted is any indication this new Seth MacFarlane movie should be a riot. If you haven't seen Ted, you should and you can also read my review of the movie here.

Oz the Great and Powerful already has a sequel in the works

It appears as though the big wigs over at Disney like what Sam Raimi created so much they are putting together a sequel. This is quick for a movie that has just been released, there are no box office numbers showing this movie to be a hit and the reviews are fair to midland at best. Look for my own review to follow this post shortly...

5 SXSW Films We Can't Wait to See

For those of you who don't know, Texas the state in which I reside, hosts a yearly film festival down in Austin. This is the closest thing to the Cannes that us country folk have, but it's pretty damn awesome and that's because Austin is pretty damn awesome. If you haven't been down there you need to go, especially when there is a festival such as SXSW.

The Hangover Part III Trailer

2013-03-07T18:26:00.001-06:00

It's happening, the trailer for the final installment of the Hangover trilogy has dropped. If you aren't excited to see this movie then there might be something wrong with you. Enjoy.

Hemlock Grove Poster and Trailer

2013-03-06T12:45:00.000-06:00

Netflix has started to produce it's own original series, which seems like a great way to attract new subscribers. Many of you have already seen Kevin Spacey in the series House of Cards, which was great, but you are now looking for something else to sink or teeth into. Well, here it is my friends, Hemlock Grove is the lastest series from Netflix and it's a horror series create by Eli Roth. The show is going to premiere April 19th with all 13 episodes available to watch at once. I'll be tuning in with a review to follow shortly after on the blog.

Here is a look at the poster:

Also here is the preview for the series:

The Evil Dead Reviewed

2013-03-06T12:35:00.000-06:00

When you sit down to review a movie like The Evil Dead in 2013 it's hard to know where to begin. Does this movie stand the test of time? Is it as scary on it's 100th view as it was on its 1st? Is this a movie you are willing to share with a girl you just started dating? There are many questions that need to be asked and answered when reviewing and revisiting a horror classic such as The Evil Dead.

This is one of the few movies that every time I sit down to watch it I get a ting of excitement in my stomach. I know what's going to happen, I know who dies, I know who gets possessed, I know half the damn lines, but I still enjoy watching this movie. This is how I know that it stands the test of time. If you are willing to sit down through a low-budget horror film time and time again, then it has to be good. Right? If I'm going to share this movie with a girl that I just started dating she better be the one, because this movie is one that is reserved for close family and friends.

Many of you may not know that this movie has it's roots in another horror movie made by Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell called Within the Woods. This movie was made as a "prototype" movie, a 30 minute short, intended to attract investors for a feature length flick. It was screened at a local movie theatre with The Rocky Horror Picture Show and managed to gain some interest. Several of the elements first used in this "prototype" movie were used in The Evil Dead and other Sam Raimi classics.

One of the first things that will jump out at you in this movie is not the monsters or the unseen force in the woods, but the style of directing that is Sam Raimi. His use of extreme closeups is almost second to none. The smooth camera movements of the 'unseen force' from the woods are marvelous, the trees crashing down are the only indication of it's power and the actor's terrified faces are the only indication of it's true evil. The 'unseen force' is one of the best movie monsters to hit the silver screen. The dutch angles heighten the drama, creating a sense of terror, because everything happening to the characters is off-balanced and psychotic.

Now we need to have a moment of true honesty about the movie. There are no pulling punches in this review. The acting is subpar, but that is to be expected, it is a low-budget horror film. The only bright spot in the acting line-up is Bruce "Don't Call me Ash" Campbell, his dark sense of humor and line delivery is priceless. And forget about that chin! Bruce easily carries this movie and ultimately the audience relates to Ash and his plight because of Bruce's genius.

Keeping in mind that this movie was made in 1981 on a shoestring budget, the special effects and make up are outstanding. The actors had to endure some hardships with makeup and cash-strapped effects, but the end result is worth it for the audience. For example, the contacts that the the actors wore while possessed were as thick as glass and could only be worn for 15 minutes at a time, but the milky eyes added an element of creepiness and terror that would have been missing otherwise. One of the scariest bits of makeup in the movie is when Linda is possessed and sitting on the floor spewing a high pitched laugh that will keep you up at night.

The best part about The Evil Dead is the dark sense of humor and self awareness. The producers know this is a low-budget horror film and nothing is taken too seriously in this movie. The more one watches the film, the more you see the humor. The over-use of gore becomes comical. Gratuitous amounts of blood are used in later Raimi films to create the same humorous effect, the best example being the nose bleed scene in Drag Me to Hell, another Raimi classic.

Look, if you haven't seen this film, do yourself a favor and watch it on Netfilx or pick up a copy someplace that rents movies. You won't reget it.

Also here is the trailer for the remake, which is about to hit theaters on April 5th. My horror movie pants are going crazy for this movie. By the way, this is the redband trailer...

New Iron Man 3 Trailer

2013-03-06T09:37:00.000-06:00

I know I just recently posted a trailer for Iron Man 3, but I have to tell you, this new trailer makes the movie look even better. The excitement is building and my movie pants are going crazy!

Columbus Circle

2013-03-03T18:02:00.001-06:00

Thrillers should grip you from the first scene and not let go until the credits roll, Columbus Circle makes a valiant effort in accomplishing this goal, but ultimately falls short.

An heiress, Abigail, to a fortune worth millions of dollars is living in seclusion on one of the top floors of Columbus Circle, a luxury apartment building in New York. She has not left her apartment in almost two decades and has maintained a relatively high level of privacy during this time. However, her neighbor across the hall dies mysteriously prompting the police begin a homicide investigation, which requires her cooperation.

Shortly after the mysterious death, a new couple moves in across the hall from Abigail and it is quickly established that they are nothing but trouble. This sends Abigail into a panic, prompting her to call her long time friend and physician, Dr. Ray. Dr. Ray does the best that he can to calm her nerves, telling her that everything will be OK. It is at this point the view begins to wonder if there isn't something fishy going on with the good doctor. He seems to willing to allow this couple to upset the apple cart after he has kept it stable all these years.

Abigail is in hiding because her father was abusive when she was a child and she had to escape. Lillian, half of the couple from across the hall, is being beaten by her husband and looks to Abigail for comfort and security. Reluctantly Abigail befriends Lillian, allowing her to come over for dinner, slowly opening up to her about her past. While all of this is going on there is a feeling that the couple across the hall has something up their sleeve.

The Bottom Line.

Columbus Circle fails on several levels. First, while the opening is intense and griping, the story doesn't have enough weight to continue the suspense, causing the thrills to sizzle out. The plot is very formulaic and predictable.

Second, the acting is not what one would expect with a cast that includes Jason Lee, Giovanni Ribisi, Selma Blair and Kevin Pollak. The best performance is by Giovanni Ribisi and that seems to be because he isn't playing a creep like he has in most of his other recent performances. I honestly expected more from Jason Lee, be he fails to deliver. Selma Blair is beautiful as always, but that can only carry a role so far.

Thirdly, There is no real development of any of the characters. I didn't feel invested in anyone's life, I had no one to root for. Abigail was too weird, the bad guys were too flat and the cop wasn't on the screen enough.

Hyperthetical Sunday: A Life In Film

2013-03-03T12:25:00.000-06:00

For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about our life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair." Meanwhile, Columbia TriStar has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all of your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be more interested in seeing?

This is a tough hyperthetical. Both films would interest me, but which interests me the most is a tough decision. On the one hand I've lived my life, I know the brutal honest facts better than anyone, but it would be interesting to see what others have thought of my life. On the other hand, who doesn't dream of seeing their life turned into a big-budget Hollywood flick?

I believe that I would opt to see the big-budget Hollywood flick. For two reasons.

One. As I stated earlier, I have lived my life. I know how the story goes up to this point, I know the gory details and I would prefer not to relive them on the silver screen. I know the opinions of the people that I care about and who care about me, I would prefer not to know what the people who dislike me think, even though I already have a pretty good idea.

Two. I would like to see how Hollywood screenwriters would make my life more interesting. What will they add? What will they embellish? This idea intrigues me to no end and it would be an easier movie to watch because it's not 100% factual.

Which would you watch?

Celebrity Hot of the Week: Jennifer Lawrence

2013-03-03T10:26:00.000-06:00

You may remember Jennifer Lawrence from such films as Silver Linings Playbook, The Hunger Games, and Winter's Bone. She has recently won an Academy Award for her role in Silver Linings Playbook and she looks gorgeous in all of her movies. I think it's her eyes that draw me in...

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

2013-03-02T20:46:00.001-06:00

I was but a young lad when the first Universal Soldier movie was released in 1992, being an action fan from birth I was excited about this movie and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Upon view this old gem I am filled with a sense of nostalgic fondness that one finds with movies from one's youth. Subsequent Universal Soldier movies have failed to live up to the glory of the original. The closest we have been given to a direct sequel to the original film was 2009's Universal Soldier: Regeneration, which brought back both of the stars from the first film, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren.

They look so old.

On to the Flick.

Released direct-to-video in 2012 we were given Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning. The subtitle should have been Day Full of Crap, because this movie is terrible. When I saw the title on Netflix I felt a little ting of excitement inside, I was filled with the hope that finally a good Universal Solider movie would come across my screen yet again. However, there was nothing but disappointment. Jean-Claude and Dolph have very minimal screen time, the bulk of the movie is carried on the shoulders of Scott Adkins, who is serviceable as the main protagonist of the film.

The movie has a strong opening, all shot first-person, but it goes down hill from there. In the opening we see John's view of his wife lying in bed next to him and we hear his daughter calling out to him, saying there are monsters in the house. Being a good father John gets up to check on this for his daughter, he goes through a few different rooms in the house before he finally comes into the kitchen.

There are three men in ski masks waiting for him as he walks in, they stare at each other for a moment and then they proceed to beat the shit out of him with a crow bar. Two of the men leave the room to retrieve John's wife and daughter, while the third gets down in John's face, removing his ski mask to reveal himself to be Luc Devereux. Once the the other two men return to the room, Luc proceeds to shoot John's wife and little girl. John then wakes up in a hospital bed and it is at this point that the writing begins to fail the movie. The room is too large to be a convincing hospital, immediately questions rise, the writers make no attempt to conceal what possible plot twists might be in store for the viewer down the road.

John begins to investigate what happened the night his family was murdered, but before he gets too far we are sent to a house where Andrei Arlovski is working as a plumber, but alas he is a UniSol that has just been activated. Upon throwing up in the sink he was attempting to repair he leaves the house to head to the local brothel at which he begins killing other UniSols. It is at this point the violence begins to escalate. Andrei encounters a clone of Andrew Scott, Dolph Lundgren, who jabs Andrei with a needle with mind altering drug that is suppose to free the mind of a government controlled UniSol. It's at this point in the flick that it becomes abundantly clear that this movie is not a sequel keeping with the original cannon of the series, but is a simply another movie with UniSols.

Ok, that's enough plot. If you want to see how the movie ends turn on Neflix or go to a redbox.

Ouch.

The Bottom Line.

This movie is garbage, the actual film should be put in a 50 gallon drum and burned. The writer/director John Hyams tries too damn hard to make a plot with a thick story that twists and turns. The plot eventually folds in on itself, leaving the viewer utterly uninspired. This is a movie about soldiers who have died in combat, raised from the dead and given superhuman strength. If they aren't recently dead soldiers, then they are clones from soldiers killed in Vietnam. There don't need to be plot twists or a thick story, it's a damn action movie!

What the hell is up with that paint?

All that being said, the fight sequences are actually pretty good. However, you will have to put up with quite a bit of ultra-violence and gore. There is a scene in which a man has a drill driven into his forehead while he is awake, blood pouring from the wound, yet he is able to get up and kill everyone in the room. There are multiple fight scenes with shotguns blowing the tops of men's skulls off and knives sticking out of hands. The movie seems to be overly violent for violence's sake.

It might have been better if no sequels to the original Universal Soldier had been made.

Iron Man 3 Trailer

2013-03-02T20:09:00.000-06:00

There are few superhero movies that I truly get excited about, but after the first two entries in this series, one can't help but get excited. And if the trend continues this movie will be the best of the trio. However, there are a couple of concerns that I have. One, the director of the first two films, Jon Favreau, is not at the helm for the third entry. Two, the second movie and The Avengers were both incredible and I'm afraid hype will lead to this flick being a bit of a disappointment. But if we are to judge a movie solely from the trailer, it looks like a kick-ass ride.

Sinister Review

2013-02-28T12:24:00.001-06:00

Before I get into the gory details of this movie, I want to make something clear about horror films. This film genre, more than any other, requires that you suspend our disbelieve and allow ourselves to be drawn into the scares. If we don't suspend reality and give the movie a chance it will never be scary. This is something that I've have always been able to do well, which is why I've always had an affinity towards the horror genre. It is enjoyable to be scared, knowing nothing is going to happen.

On to the Flick.

Ethan Hawk plays Ellison Oswalt, a washed up true-crime writer, who moves his family into the house of a grisly crime. This crime, shown on 8mm film, is a mysterious murder of a family of four. Upon setting up his office, Ellison begins to look around the house for clues as to what happen, things the police might have missed. While in the attic he stumbles upon a box containing multiple 8mm films of previous murders. This peaks his interest and he believes that he has another hit on his hands, but as he watches the films he descends into madness.

Now, I watched Paranormal Activity and Insidious, both of which were no impressive. I bring this up because the same people produced who produced those lackluster horror films also produced Sinister. Dont get me wrong the production value on both of those films was high, but the content was lacking. Sinister on the other hand is not lacking for quality content. Only those who are not fans of the horror genre will see this as subpar movie.

I throughly enjoyed the use of 8mm film to show what happened in the past as opposed to visions or dreams sequences, I find the 8mm film to be more realistic. Granted I said earlier that for horror films we need to suspend disbelief but have a bit of realism helps in that cause. The lighting and visuals where also impressive. The director, Scott Derrickson, uses the lighting to his advantage, allowing our minds to create bigger monsters than may appear on the screen.

Ethan Hawk does a fair job of playing a washed up writer who is struggling to keep his family together while searching for his next hit. Not much time is spent with his family, most of his time in spent in his office researching or roaming the house in the middle of the night looking for Mr. Boogie. He is a loving father, but he spends too much time away from his family and his wife is tiring of the routine, threatening to leave him. Tension only worsens with his family when they realize that they are living in the house in which the crime was committed.

Bottom Line.

Sinister is scary as hell, it will keep you on the edge of your seat and bitting your nails, if that's something you're into. If you really want to be scared, watch it alone in an old dark house. Also watch out for one of the highlights of the film, Vincent D'Onofrio playing a wild eyed professor.

Oscar Winners

2013-02-26T09:24:00.000-06:00

Well the Academy Awards have come and gone for another year and we are left with another list of award winners, some deserving, some not. Look for a video at the end. Here is the complete list of winners:

1. Best Picture: “Argo.”

2. Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln.”

3. Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook.”

4. Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained.”

5. Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables.”

6. Directing: Ang Lee, “Life of Pi.”

7. Foreign Language Film: “Amour.”

8. Adapted Screenplay: Chris Terrio, “Argo.”

9. Original Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, “Django Unchained.”

10. Animated Feature Film: “Brave.”

11. Production Design: “Lincoln.”

12. Cinematography: “Life of Pi.”

13. Sound Mixing: “Les Miserables.”

14. Sound Editing (tie): “Skyfall,” ”Zero Dark Thirty.”

15. Original Score: “Life of Pi,” Mychael Danna.

16. Original Song: “Skyfall” from “Skyfall,” Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth.

17. Costume: “Anna Karenina.”

18. Documentary Feature: “Searching for Sugar Man.”

19. Documentary (short subject): “Inocente.”

20. Film Editing: “Argo.”

21. Makeup and Hairstyling: “Les Miserables.”

22. Animated Short Film: “Paperman.”

23. Live Action Short Film: “Curfew.”

24. Visual Effects: “Life of Pi.”

Oscar winners previously presented:

Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award: Jeffrey Katzenberg

Honorary Award: Hal Needham

Honorary Award: D.A. Pennebaker

Honorary Award: George Stevens Jr.

Award of Merit: Cooke Optics

Hyperthetical Sunday: Rudimentary Magician

2013-02-24T11:04:00.002-06:00

Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us also assume that he can do five simple tricks: He can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the Ace of Spades into the Joker card, and he can do two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. However, it turns out that he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

Upon first reading of this Hyperthetical I would lean towards the magician being more impressive than Albert. But upon further review of the situation I was plagued with a few questions that make me think otherwise.

First, How intelligent is this person? Do they have an extremely high IQ? Are they able to solve complex problems or completely change the way we view science? Albert Einstein changed our world completely. He put forth ideas that no one else could dream of, he may not have been a real magician, but his intellect was magical. If this magician can't change our world view, then no he is not as impressive.

Second, Is this magician able to explain why they have this ability and will they be able to teach this magic to others? Albert Einstein was able to explain his abilities and more importantly he was able to share and teach his abilities to others. As a society we were able to gather his information, learn it and expand upon it. Would this magician's abilities ever be learnable and would anyone be able to expand upon them or would they die when the magician died?

Thirdly. Who has actually made a greater contribution to society, this magician or Albert? Again I think the win goes to Ol'Albert. While I am not a fan of using Wikipedia as a resource there is some information about what Mr. Einstein has given to society. The only contribution that this magician has given to society is five simple tricks done with real magic.

However, this magician is completing these tricks with real magic! That's pretty damn cool. He does earn some points in that regard. Any magic trick completed with real magic is damn impressive.

But then again, these are only 'parlor' tricks. Over time these tricks would become less impressive and he would be relegated to working at a cheap casino in Atlantic City or on the boardwalk in Jersey. The luster would soon wear on his magic and become unimpressive. Albert Einstein's contributions have left a last impression that grow more impressive over time and as I said before, have shifted our world view.

The more impressive person in my opinion would have to be Albert Einstein.

What do you think?

Celebrity Hot of the Week: Kate Upton

2013-02-24T08:37:00.000-06:00

Brooklyn Decker proved to be a popular post a couple of weeks ago, so I though I would go with another swimsuit model/actress this week. I give you the wonderfully shaped Kate Upton. If there is some Celebrity you would like to see posted in the coming weeks, leave me a note in the comments section.

Think she's cold?

Red stairs make everything better.

Paint.

Celebrity Hot of the Day: Ronda Rousey

2013-02-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

In honor of the first UFC fight to headline women fighters I decided to bring back the Celebrity Hot of the Day for a quick one-off. I present to you the beautifully tough Ronda Rousey. I'm sure she would knock you out, literally. Dana White said women would never fight in the UFC, well, I guess tonight makes him a bit of a liar and flip-flopper. But, hey, if there is money to be made in the fight world Dana is going to make it. Read more about the fight here.

Please don't hurt me...

Wow, just wow.

She's Red Carpet ready too.

One of the best smiles I've seen.

Oscar Travesty Bracket

2013-02-21T14:15:00.001-06:00

With the Academy Awards right around the corner I thought it would be appropriate to make at least one post about the Oscars.

If you are familiar with the website Grantland then you might have already seen this, but I felt it was work posting here anyway. Every so often they will create a bracket, allowing users to vote on who moves onto the next round. This time they created an Oscar Travesties Bracket, while the merits of such a bracket and what travesties where included can be debated until the cows come home, it's still a pretty good little bracket.

Here are the final results:

IMDb Top 10 Movies and My Take

2013-02-21T10:33:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, IMDb is the top source for movie information on the internet. And for good reason. If you are a movie buff it is a great resource for finding new movies, reading user reviews or posting your own opinions. A few days ago I was trolling around the site and landed on their Top 250 list.

To comb through all 250 movies would be a herculean task, which is why I'm going to focus on the Top 10 movies for now, there is alway the chance that I take a look back at the whole list in an on going series, but for now I am going to focus on the first 10. Please add your comments if you disagree with either me or IMDb or if you agree, it's always nice to have the internet on your side.

First I want to address what's good and bad about this list. In actuality what's good and bad is the same thing, it is complied by user votes. This is a double-edged sword.

The bad. Creating a list of top movies by user votes can edge out amazing movies that don't have mass appeal. For example, Citizen Kane is not in the Top 10. Most movie experts would rank this as their #1 movie and if not, it would be in their Top 10.

The good. The ranking is not based on the total number of votes, it is based on the average ranking. There doesn't seem to be a minimum number of votes necessary to be included in the list. For example, The Shawshank Redemption has 917,551 votes, while 12 Angry Men has 225,723 votes. Both of these movies are in the Top 10.

10. Fight Club (1999)

Fight Club is an amazing movie and an even better book. If you haven't read the book, then you are missing out. However, we are not here to discuss the book, the movie is what lies before us.

While looking down this list I was a little surprised to see this movie ranked so high. While this is a great movie and is close to, if not in my personal Top 10, I wouldn't have expected it to have such a wide appeal. Fight Club is a great example of a movie that built a cult following after it's initial release. I believe that it is popular with the hipster crowd.

9. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Many will argue that this is the best of the Lord of the Rings trilogy this may or may not be, but it is a great flick. But it's hard to argue otherwise as this movie is the capstone to a great series and the only of the films to receive an Academy Award for Best Picture, which in a way is an acknowledgment of the greatness of the trilogy as a whole.

8. Schindler's List (1993)

This is a very disturbing movie. It is disturbing because Steven Spielberg did everything he could to capture the reality that is the Holocaust. For me this is a great movie that I can only see once. The subject is extremely heavy, the movie is amazing, but the images from this film will sit with you for the rest of your life. There are a handful of movies that are so moving, so gut wrenching that can only be viewed once, but that is not meant to take away from it's greatness, I believe it only enhances it.

7. The Dark Knight (2008)

This movie is at the top of my personal Top 10 List. I don't actually view this film as a comic book movie. I recognize it's origins are from comics, but it doesn't play to the usual comic book feel movies such as these can take. This particular flick and really the trilogy I would classify as Film Nior. The Dark Knight is a great crime drama, the hero and villan just happen to wear costumes. I would put this film on my short list of near perfect films.

6. 12 Angry Men (1957)

This is the oldest movie on this list and I'm not surprised. The subject is one that will transcend generations. However, I have to wonder if this is a movie that truly holds up to the test of time. Upon further reviewing of this flick one might find the language, direction and acting a little pedestrian compared to the rest of the movies on this list.

5. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966)

A Top Ten list such as this would be incomplete without a Western. And if you are going to put a western on this list, it had better be the best western ever made. And it had better star Clint Eastwood, who politics aside, is the greatest badass cowboy to ever appear on the silver screen. It is worth watching this movie for the soundtrack alone.

4. Pulp Fiction (1994)

Quentin Tarantino, the master of dialogue, do I really need to say anything else about this film?

3. The Godfather: Part II (1974)

If I had my way this movie would be above The Godfather, but I'm not in charge of the voting and I don't want to rig an election, so at number three this movie will stand. I believe this movie is better than the first because it tells two stories, the rise of both Father and Son. Francis Ford Coppola does a masterful job of weaving the two stories together to make a seamless movie. As I'm writing these words I am have the strong urge to go watch this flick. If you say you love gangster movies and this isn't at the top of your list, then you my friend are crazy.

2. The Godfather (1972)

I can understand why this movie was placed just ahead of Part II, if it weren't for this flick we wouldn't have been given the opportunity to see the second. This is one of those few films that once you start watching you can't stop, you are pulled in by the story, the acting, directing. Before you know it, you haven't moved for three hours and you would've sat for another three, no problem.

1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

All Stephen King material should be made into big budget Hollywood films and this is my prime example. All of the made for tv mini-series that are based on King's material are crap, this is a King shortstory that has been ranked as the top movie of all time by the movie going public. The Shawshank Redemption is a great example of what happens with a great cast, great writing and great direction come together. This movie is also on my short list of near perfect films. It really doesn't get much better than this. I have yet to meet a human being who doesn't like this flick and if they don't they are crazy.

In truth all of these movies belong on a Top 10 list of some kind or another. However, not all of these lists will be correct. There is only one movie on this list that in my mind doesn't stand the test of time and that's 12 Angry Men, it feels old and outdated. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, while made in 1966, feels as fresh to me as the noon-day sun. A few of these movies are not very old yet and only time will tell if they'll with stand the test of time, only time will tell.

Hypertheticals: Synesthesia

2013-02-19T17:37:00.000-06:00

I'm going to start a new series, called Hypertheticals. I would like to take credit for the name and for the scenarios that I'm going to present in this series, but alas I cannot. I have to give credit where credit is due and it goes to the great Chuck Klosterman. Chuck is a pop-culture journalist with an amazing sense of what is happening in America.

Hyperthetical #1: Synesthesia

You are force to give up one of your five senses (smell, sight, taste, touch, or hearing). However, you may choose to compensate for the loss by synesthesia. For example, if you decide to give up your sense of sight, you can choose to smell colors instead. Or if you give up hearing, you might opt to taste music. If you give up taste, you could replace this sensation by feeling flavors. Basically, whatever sense you reject would be reflected through an alternative medium.

Which of your senses would you surrender and how would you replace it?

After giving this scenario much thought I have decided that I would give up my ability to taste. The thought of being blind scares me too much. I wouldn't be able to drive or see a beautiful women or see the sun set ever again. While I know that I would gain a way to perceive these images, it wouldn't be the same. Also I couldn't give up hearing, I love music too much. In Mr. Holland's Opus, Mr. Holland's son was born deaf and was only able to feel the deep vibrations of the music and see it with colors, again not the same as actually hearing the music.

I decided that I would give up my ability to taste. I love food and there are somethings I like to enjoy over and over again, such as beer. However, much of our sense of taste is already built into our ability to smell. So, naturally I would replace tasting flavors with smelling them. This would allow me to remain the most functional human possible.

What would you do?

HyperSmash.com

Celebrity Hot of the Week: Jennifer Aniston

2013-02-19T11:02:00.002-06:00

This week's Celebrity Hot is non-other than the great Jennifer Aniston. How Brad Pitt left her is beyond me. Don't get me wrong Angelina Jolie is beautiful too, but she doesn't have the classic and classy look of Ms. Aniston.