The Confessions of a Love Addict

Bottom-line behavior

2011-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Love addiction is different from substance addiction. Whereas an alcoholic has simply acted out when having a drink, acting out as a sex and/or love addict doesn't necessarily have to involve sex (or love for that matter). It could be for example showing controlling behavior, or becoming angry. Every addict defines their own sobriety.

To define the borders of my addiction I needed to find out my bottom-line behavior. In my case, acting out is basically showing more of my bottom behavior instead of my top, and particularly when people around me are hurt in the process.

So I took a piece of paper and I wrote down my fears (fear of having no control, fear of being a bad father etc.) my resentments and finally my bottom-line behavior, all the things that were negative, hurtful, both to myself and to others. Speaking to a sponsor about my bottom-line behavior was essential, since I could be very blind to the realities of my behavior and the effect it had on people surrounding me. This is all a part of the taking inventory part of the program.

After writing down all the behavior that I deemed bottom-line, I found out the gray areas of behavior that wasn't really all that bad but should be avoided, things that would get me in trouble if I didn't watch myself. While bottom-line might be yelling, being angry, controlling people, the gray areas might be to miss sleep a few nights in a row, eat too much fast food or not going to a meeting; generalities that make me feel bad overtime.

It was important for me to list as well all the behavior I deemed top-line. Stress-reducing, healthy and positive actions that I could pat myself on the back for. Things such as doing yoga, getting exercise and keeping healthy. Here's a list of good stress-reducing behavior.

Fighting

2011-08-11T04:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, today I'm going to write about fighting and conflict. One of the characteristics of love-addicts is that they tend to have extremely high expectations towards those closest to them, and that goes doubly towards their spouse or lover. In every single relationship I've been in, this has been a huge problem, a problem that has ensured either the unhappiness or the untimely death of the relationship (and most likely both). Expectations are premeditated resentments.

So first things first. In my case there are a few things I need to do each day to prepare and prevent fights occurring. When I wake up it's important for me to pray. Now I know what you agnostics are going to say and I agree to a certain extent. Personally I do not believe in either the bible nor any god. My beliefs aren't important though, yours are. You can decide what it is you believe, and draw strength from that. Whatever it is, when you pray and you mean it, you find strength.
The reason for the praying is twofold. First it shows that you are willing to show both the world and yourself humility, and only through humility will you be able to heal and become a better person. Second it gives you the strength not to act out at times when you are powerless from addiction and bottom behavior.

Other things I tend to need over the course of a few days are some of my top behaviors. Those include doing yoga, going swimming, sleeping enough, eating food (yes it's good to eat food, and for those who have experienced depression know how important, and difficult, that sometimes is), trying to keep healthy and such. Being in a good mood is always a good way to avoid resentment and anger. A lot of people, my mother included, would scoff at most of this article. She would claim that all you need is will-power and to stay fit. Power through life, so to speak. And for some people that may be true, if your body feels good the rest of you feels good as well. But for many, myself included, it just isn't enough. Some are more prone to depressive and obsessive thoughts then others, and what is addiction if not obsessive?

Every time I feel myself growing resentful and angry over something or someone, I breathe deeply and relax. It usually doesn't work so I need something more, and if I can't manage to avoid anger, I call a sponsor in the program. Sponsors are necessary, at least for most addicts of any kind, but a good friend will do if he will try and listen and help you without judging and without betraying your trust.

I speak with my sponsor about whether or not I'm showing signs of these core emotions:

Self-seeking
Selfishness
Fear
Dishonesty

Then I tell him why I'm showing these emotions, and whether they are justified. If they're not justified my anger usually subsides and I'm able to admit where I was wrong. If they are justified, I humbly try to accept that people aren't perfect, neither me nor the person involved.

Now equally important is making amends. If a fight occurs and things get out of hand, for me distance is extremely important. Taking a moment to get out of the room or the house, to call the sponsor or pray to the Higher Power or just think things through. In any case after the period of distance I make amends if I've wronged anyone. Apologizing is very important, followed by a: 'what can I do to make this right?'.

And last but not least - after all this is over with and everyone feels better, I go and try and help someone. Whether it's doing chores at home without receiving (or expecting) thanks, or going out and giving blood or being a sponsor for someone else, I help someone else.

Only by helping others do I help myself. The most giving people in the world are amongst the happiest. There is a certain power in helping someone else, and it is completely beyond me why it makes myself and most others I know so satisfied, but for some reason it works. If you don't believe me, just try it out. The worst that could happen is somebody out there might be grateful.

At the end of the day I pray again, giving thanks for the day and asking for guidance and strength for tomorrow.

I know it does sound like a lot of work, but in the end it's worth it. My relationship wouldn't survive if I didn't do these things each day. I wouldn't get to be with my son. The thing is that I'm definitely not the only addict who has a lot to loose, but then again, how much we might loose if we fall isn't the question, it's just the question of finding the right way for each one of us to make it through one day at a time.

My mother...

2011-06-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I sat down with my mother. We really talked, not the customary 'Hi! How's it going! You'll come to the birthday Friday then?, okay that's good take care now bye bye then,' but proper communication about real honest feelings.
Now it's quite hard to do that with a person like my mother. Very goal-oriented, a bit of a bitch, quite often cold and distant. As our communications had been really negative the past few months, we were on two completely different pages with expectations and resentments and all sorts of bad things. Things needed clearing up.
The thing is that when you finally get into a little house cleaning relationship-wise you often find out there's a bunch of hidden dirt lurking behind the sofa you'd completely forgotten about; or never even knew about.

It all started when I made a resentment list. It goes like this:
First you draw up four columns. At the head of each one you write the bold heading.

I'm resentful at: I took a piece of paper, and I wrote down names of people that are closest to me that I harbor any resentment towards. My mother, of course, was on the top of the list.
Cause: I then wrote down a column next to each person listing those resentments, either generalities (she judges me) or specific instances (she didn't think my grades were good enough and thus made me feel bad about myself).
This affects my: The column next to that held the feelings of self that this affected, whether they be security, self-esteem, ambition or personal relationships (self-esteem).
What's my part: The last column involved the reflected feelings I could find in myself and whether I showed any negative feelings of my own; dishonesty, selfishness, self-seeking or frightened (I tend to judge myself for my failures and that's why it hurts so much when she does it (fear, self-seeking)).

Doing a resentment list helped me a great deal in confronting and understanding my own emotions, frustrations and anger. A common saying amongst the fellowship is: Expectations are premeditated resentments. I realized a great deal, for example that I had great expectations for myself,my girlfriend, my friends and of life in general. Not expecting anything leaves you happier for the things that actually do happen.

I also realized something else. I am a product of divorce, a 12 year long one in fact. My folks were very committed to making their doomed relationship work, and I got to see and experience first hand just how doomed it was. While my mother is a very big character, strong loud and quickly gets angry and annoyed, my father is a lot more docile and calm. Unfortunately I take after her.

They eventually broke up in my teens and I was very angry about this. Just like most angry kids they want someone to blame so I blamed her and I've blamed her since without thinking much about it. As a kid I made a drawing once of my parents. My mom was a dinosaur eating my stick-figure dad. As it was she who was always yelling and shouting and angry, naturally I assumed it was she who did all the bad things in the relationship, and it stuck with me.

In any case, for the time being it's been a bit easier speaking with her. Making the list was a positive, and having the talk was also positive. Making a resentment list can also be helpful in everyday situations, for more pin-pointed situations such as "a jerk cut in front me in traffic today" and what effect that has on you.

So first off...

2011-06-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

I guess it's proper that I explain a bit my life as it is today. I find it only fair that you, dear reader, get to know a little about my personal situation, and besides, I do enjoy speaking (and writing) about myself.

I am currently in a relationship with Dahlia. We have been seeing each other for about six months now, although we did have a brief relationship about a year and a half ago. The previous relationship ended with her being pregnant and me not being able to deal with it, and nine months later our son was born.

When he was born she fully let me back into her life, and as we started the momentous journey of parenthood together old feelings as well as new ones began to stir and it didn't take us a long time to fall back in love with each other, head over heels with the proper romance and butterflies.
With one very major condition though. I would never treat her badly again.

My previous behavior had been, to say the least, very extremely horrendously unfair and emotionally abusive. I was controlling in many different aspects, worst of which was my pushing her to have an abortion and consequently leaving her when she didn't. I readily confess it because it is a very big part of the self-improvement process to present a list of the people I hurt, and Dahlia was one of the big ones.

Needless to say, I felt that this condition was fair. I hated myself for the way I treated her and wanted nothing more than to be again a part of her and our son's life. Little did I realize that this behavior was a symptom of my sickness. I was addicted to the conflict, the control, the companionship, to her. Just like I had been addicted to numerous other people.

I struggle every day to be the man I want and need to be. The road to completing that elusive task is long and hard, and I'll never achieve perfection. My current goal is much more attainable: simply to be able to go through each day without lashing out, without hurting the ones I love. If I can do that, there is hope for me yet.

Intro

2011-06-04T17:07:00.001-07:00

Just about six years ago I started dating. This makes me relatively young, I realize, but these past six years have taught me more about me and myself than most other people that I know. For some it took them their entire lives what I learned in a few months. But then again, not all people are afflicted with what I deal with every day.

I‘m not sure why it happened this way, perhaps because I was moving so fast. I wanted everything right away, a few days after I met Lily (my first girlfriend) I was in love with her and a few months after that I wanted to move in with her and a few more months later I was getting ready to have kids and get married.
Every time I met someone new I saw myself growing old with that person, and living forever with them.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I finally figured it out. It happened after yet another break-up. I remember sitting at a café smoking cigarette after cigarette, pondering in melancholia why on earth I felt so much pain after every single relationship that ended, why I was on the verge of wanting to kill myself because of another human being that had entered and exited my life in just a few months.

I remember thinking to myself: it’s almost the same as my friend Ted’s drinking problem, the same sort of inability to control oneself and one’s urges, the same sort of dependency. Then I thought: well I do know there are sex-addicts out there. There must be love addicts as well.
I Googled it and found that there were indeed!

That’s when I joined the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous program. Every day from that day I’ve been dealing with it, step by step, taking inventory of my life, reaching my higher power. It’s very similar to the world famous AA-program, but deals with matters much more subtle than just “the drink”: co-dependency, control, respect, expectations, worship of other individuals, but above all else, fear and resentment.

Every day is difficult, every day is a struggle. Almost every day I act out in some way and often I am ashamed of what I did or said. But I’d like to share it with you, and then perhaps you can also benefit and learn from my mistakes, and how I've dealt with them...