Each of us has a past, moments in our lives we’re not proud of, relationships we failed to take care of, shames we carry, burdens we bear.  And, every so often, the course of our normal everyday life is changed by the re-emergence of the past, abruptly entering the present and tearing us backward through the time we’ve hidden behind, the distance we’ve become comfortable in.  In these moments, torn out of the third-person narrative of our own lives, faced with the big picture, the overarching reality of who we are…we can face and make peace with our shadow.

Reality is a gift. Right now, I am who I am…and I can no sooner deny my shadow than deny my goodness. I want to suffer knowing pain I’ve caused, pain I’ve been dealt…I want to walk into it and accept it. When I have accepted it, I can sit freely in prayer and encounter love with a freedom not otherwise possible. Richard Rohr writes, “the path of prayer and love and the path of suffering seem to be the two Great Paths of Transformation. Suffering seems to get our attention; love and prayer seem to get our heart and our passion.” (Everything Belongs, p. 14) It all belongs…and though our natural tendency is to avoid pain and seek comfort, the call is to encounter our pain, walk into it…and find our comfort in the arms of our Father, who accepts us, and whose passion for us in our vulnerability is eternal and indescribable. “This reality, felt and not denied, suffered and enjoyed, becomes the royal road to the center. In other words, reality itself, our reality, my limited and sometimes misinterpreted experience, still becomes the revelatory place for God.” (Rohr, Everything Belongs, p. 15)

There is no end to the love of God…nothing else matters. The never-ending struggle to be “good” many of us are caught in leads only to more struggle, and for me ultimately to despair. The true journey…the path of peace that surpasses all understanding, is to reconcile with reality, to allow the mystery of God and the tragic beauty of life to play out within us. It is accepting the unacceptable, reconciling the irreconcilable…accepting that certainty and uncertainty, sin and grace, and life and death are not mutually exclusive, but belong together.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)

Richard Rohr’s book, Everything Belongs, is a wonderful vision of contemplative prayer…

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The religious Right has successfully programmed a whole generation of Christians to believe that we are in an End Times struggle against Evil, represented by a Satanic Democratic Party.  It’s the good conservatives against the evil liberals, and our very salvation is wrapped up in which team we’re on.  When my wife and I decided to vote for Obama this last election, we lost friends and found a family relationship seriously strained.  It was as though we were murdering babies ourselves.  It doesn’t matter that in voting we were following our pro-life convictions, choosing a candidate and party we felt might finally change the conversation about an ethic of life in America.  It doesn’t matter that as followers of Christ, we felt convicted of the need for change, for balance…for a different direction.  I don’t write this to make a political statement, but simply to illustrate the point that as people of God, we are not defined by our relationship with a political party or system of thought within the Church…but by our relationship with Christ Himself.  Who are you to say that I’m not following His voice, even when in doing so I vote differently than you?

It’s a very interesting time to be a young Christian in America, for there are many others who find the old divisions and stale arguments largely irrelevant.  I think there is a movement toward contemplative spirituality within the developing church.  In some ways, this movement is apparent within the Emerging Church, the term given the interesting change within the church in recent years…across denominations.  But really, it’s bigger than that.  There is a fundamental difference between a spirituality based on relationship with God (grace-based) and spirituality based on rightness before God (shame-based).   In grace-based spirituality, we become intimately aware of our own smallness, and the largeness of God’s capacity to love.  In shame-based spirituality, we are caught in the cyclical struggle to maintain control of where we stand with God, to maintain our position as keepers of knowledge about God.  The former can accept unknowns and gray areas.  The latter is often defined by black and white thinking.

In the early years following my lifestyle conversion I became a fan of Francis Schaeffer, whose logical arguments for Christianity and large vocabulary appealed to my pride.  I wanted knowledge.  I wanted to convince and be convinced, to be sure and to be able to communicate that to any who would doubt me.  I adopted the defensiveness that defined the evangelical mindset, and become drawn into a need to defend God.   Schaeffer’s writing and the following it drew played a part in creating the conservative backbone of modern evangelicalism.   What’s so interesting is that his son, Frank Scaeffer, who played an important role in his father’s work, is now a fed up, fired up critic of the modern evangelical church.   Once active in the movement, he’s now a voice warning of the dangers of fundamentalism of the Christian kind.  Check him out at The Official Website of Frank Schaeffer.

In my long-winded way, I guess what I’m saying is that contemplative Christianity…a spirituality of Christ defined by prayer and mystical union…is an answer to fundamentalism and it’s shame-cycle.  I read an article a while ago about conflict in an Islamic country, where the fundamentalist Muslim majority was seeking to silence and control the Sufi minority.  Sufis are the contemplatives, the mystics, of the Islamic worldview, and have historically (in this context at least) been peace-seekers, where the majority has continued to wage war and control.  Its interesting to see the same dynamic play out in so many contexts.  Mysticism challenges black and white thinking, just as Christ challenged the black and white thinking of the religiously certain of his time.  The reaction to Christ was violence.  We see the same today.

When your world is built upon tightly controlled rules and systems, then you fight to protect your control.  The story of the prodigal son illustrates the dynamic beautifully. The oldest son had his world fairly well under control…he had earned his fathers love and respect with hard work and dedication.  When the prodigal son returned home and was received with such joy…the love given away for free…the brother’s response was anger.  We cannot control God.   Yet, when the worldview of conservative Christians is challenged, even if challenged by undeniable logic (such as proof the earth is older than 5000 years) the response is anger and defensiveness…if you’re not with us, God is not with you.

Its a difficult time and an exciting time to follow Christ in America.  There are hints of change, hints of new life beginning to emerge as a new generation comes of age.  The last election sent a message, as did the public disgrace of some powerful Evangelicals, that the vote-getting machine of the Religious Right is losing steam.  There is an opportunity for a new Christian voice to emerge, one that truly seeks to be “peacemakers”, to recognize those that are hungry and hurting among us, to call out for an ethic of life across circumstances…one rooted in devotion, not control…wisdom, not knowledge.

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And yet, now I can be thankful for the grace to see it…for the gentle call of these last months back to a simple spirituality, one that defies elaboration.  Lord, let it be.  There is a wonderful prayer, the Anima Christi – a favorite of St. Ignatius, paraphrased by David Fleming, that echoes the Lord’s Prayer in simplicity and worship…I’ll share it here now, to hopefully communicate the flavor of what I’m talking about:

Jesus, may all that is you flow into me.

May your body and blood be my food and drink.

May your passion and death be my strength and life.

Jesus, with you by my side enough has been given.

May the shelter I seek be the shadow of your cross.

Let me not run from the love which you offer,

But hold me safe from the forces of evil.

On each of my dyings shed your light and your love.

Keep calling to me until that day comes,

When, with your saints, I may praise you forever. Amen.

_{Fleming, D.L.(1993). Hearts on Fire: Praying with the Jesuits. Institute of Jesuit Sources: St. Louis.}

Relationship with Christ comes first…it always comes first.  My acceptance by Christ has nothing to do with my behavior…how could it?  It has nothing to do with how I speak…how could it?  No, we first accept love from Him…we take the risk of loving Him in return…and we begin to love ourselves as broken images of our Creator.  It is the relationship that changes us, our behavior and our speech.  We are created and recreated anew in the context of the relationship with Christ, and this is utterly independent of anything we bring to the table. He cannot be bought or earned, controlled, withheld or given away. Let that sink in…let that become freedom.

Is God sitting on high with a legal pad, watching and critiquing us with a critical eye?  Or, is He infinitely close to us…gazing upon us with eyes of love and perfect acceptance?

If God is angry, mean and unpredictable we’ll surely walk on eggshells around Him, careful to “get it right’, careful not to screw up, or to be found lacking.

However, if God is a God of grace…a God who walked among us, suffered among us, and died among us…whose primary motivation seems to be our freedom and peace (that surpasses all understanding)…then perhaps we’d be less concerned with how we present ourselves and simply run and fall into His arms…

Richard Rohr:

It’s not, “If I am moral, I will someday achieve union with God.” That’s backwards. We must put the horse before the cart, and not the cart before the horse. Union with God is objectively already given to everyone from the moment of their creation. Who else created them? All we can do is awaken to it. We cannot achieve it. Once we live the life of union and abundance—not hating ourselves and apologizing for ourselves every minute—then we start living in our inherent dignity, a dignity that no behavior has given to us and no one can take away.

Then the horse is first and the cart comes along. Not “If I am moral, I will be in union with God, but when I live in union with God, morality will come naturally and powerfully!” A completely different path.

Adapted from The Cosmic Christ (CD#1)

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These words appeared on my cell phone last week, sent by my wife to encourage me during what was a challenging week. Life can be tough…in fact, if we’re honest, it just plain is tough.  Yet, life can be infused with holiness in the present moment…as we breathe this breath, and this breath, and this one…

I read bits and pieces of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle this week, out of curiosity.  What I found was a kind of universalist approach common to contemporary, New Age-ish spirituality….but there is truth there as well.   Tolle writes about the true self and the false self, and describes the spiritual journey as primarily about letting go of the false self and living in the present.   Our false selves are full of woundedness, narcissism and judgment…where the true self, which is intimately linked to the essence of life,  is beauty and freedom.  When we can become observers of that false self, stepping out of it and into truth, we become free.  He’s on to something here…yet he paints a limited picture.

There is a part of each of us that is false…fallen if you will.  This is where our guilt and shame reside, our needs for comfort and power, our pain and our self-centeredness. Yet, the bible teaches this fallen self isn’t the whole story.  Adam and Eve were originally created for relationship and freedom, not for brokenness.  Contrary to those who proudly tout their “sinner”-ness, I think as images of God, we are more accurately thought of as inherently good…not inherently bad.  So, when the bible talks about Christ coming to dwell in us, the picture Tolle and others paint of freedom from false self becomes clearer.  The false self is the broken self, but not the whole self.  We were created for relationship.  When we release the burden of the old Adam and acknowledge the reality of the new Adam (Christ) in our life, we are claiming our true selves.

This is a call to live fully in the present reality of our restored relationship with Christ, not to continually struggle with sin and our broken nature, seeking forgiveness and screwing up again and again.  We are whole already…we only need to acknowledge it…moment by moment, breath by breath. If God is love, and Christ is in us and we in Him, then we can be free from the false reality that we are defined by our sin. Sin hardly matters…in fact, if you believe Romans 5:20, which says, “where sin abounds, grace abounds more”…then sin is only the shadow side of grace, and grace is grace, however you try to look at it.

Tolle is right…most of how we react to life on a daily basis comes from our false self…and through building awareness, we can begin to see that for what it is.  We can let go, and fall back into the gentle arms of Truth…and live in freedom. However, truth is not a hazy notion of some benign universal consciousness…is it Personal. I am who I truly am only in light of who Christ is. When I breathe His breath right now, I enter into reality…the incomprehensible reality of Relationship.

I choose to breathe the breath of Christ that makes all life holy.  We can choose to live His life in us…for we exist in the context of our relationship with Christ, just as He exists in the context of His relationship with Father and Spirit. It’s not something to be grappled with theologically or explained intellectually…we need to let go of those impulses to control and define. Relationship is personal, and Christ is right now waiting, with us and in us…all we have to do is breath…

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In Luke 1, the angel Gabriel said to Mary, mother of Christ, “Mary, do not be afraid, you have won God’s favor,”   Perhaps she sent money to the historical equivalent of a televangelist.  No, I think this idea of favor is another thing altogether.   The rest of Mary’s story was one of great sacrifice and burden, hardly what today’s preachers promise.  What I hear today is if your heart is in the right place, God will make your life easy and give you money.  Contrast that with the life of Mary.  Despite her burdens, however, she is undoubtedly “blessed among women”.  Her favor was the grace of being Christ’s mother, and the Mother of humanity.  Our favor is also grace…and it’s not earned, it can’t be.  It’s not about us.  I like Richard Rohr’s take on this:

“The word favor doesn’t say anything about the recipient.  Favor says something about the one who is doing the favoring.  So it’s really not saying anything about Mary.  It’s saying something about God’s election of Mary.  She is one who is the absolutely perfect receiver, and refuses to play the “Lord, I am not worthy” card that had become normative in most biblical theophanies.  She just says, “Let it be done unto me” (Luke 1:38).  She lets God do all the giving.  Her job is just to receive such perfect giving.

God does not love you because you are good; God loves you because God is good. God does not love you because you are good; you are good because God loves you. ”

-  Adapted from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality, p 178

As a Protestant (though I’ve begun to question this label, as I have most others), I’ve tended to ignore Mary or trivialize her.  But, I recognize a maternal gap in my Christian experience.  I think as I’ve considered her pure response to God’s love and election, I’ve begun to recognize a call to listen.  I need a mother…I’m an angry Christian in an age of strange, narcissistic, even dangerous American Christianity.  Perhaps this mother, our Mother, is urging me to let go of my anger and really accept grace…to let life and the experience of it “be done unto me”.  I don’t know the implications of this, or what this should look like…thought I know deeply my call is to accept even those who have done hurt or harm in the name of Christ.

I am good because God loves me and calls me His son…I have His favor.  If I’m good, knowing too well the dark recesses of my own heart, then I must confess my own narcissism, for I’m quick to point out the faults of others.  Sometimes what we need to hear is heard best in the soft tones of a mother’s voice.

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my heart aches in response to your embrace,

your name rests on the tip of my tongue, to holy to utter out loud…

my words fall short, and I can only sit in silence.

Let your reality envelop me, now and forever…

let your will be done,

on earth and in heaven,

in this heart as it is in your heart…

let me walk in your footsteps…like a son walks in his father’s footsteps.

Lord, meet my needs,

relieve me of my attachments to those things I don’t need.

Forgive me for my continual tendency to choose my own interests,

to seek comfort and escape, to seek recognition and power…

to struggle for control.

Give me a heart of grace, quick to forgive…

let forgiveness and patience be my natural reaction to those I encounter…

especially those I know intimately.

Lead me on a safe path, away from temptation…

there is nothing new…temptation always offers a way out.

There is always a choice.

Lord, let me recognize temptation and run from it…

Deliver me from evil,

protect my house and family, those I know and love…

let me recognize evil when I encounter it,

and give me the wisdom to respond.

Lord, thank you for this gift of life,

shared with you…given meaning by you,

given beauty by you,

given by you.

I rest in your presence…forever.

Amen

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“Where do I need to recognize grace?

When Job’s life is about to be taken away from him, he can say one of two things.  He can curse God, as he is tempted to do, and say, “God, why not fifty-one years of life?” Or he can surrender to love and say, “God, why even fifty years?”  Why did I deserve life at all?  When we take on that attitude, we’ve made a decision for grace.

“Naked I came into the world, and naked I will leave” (Job 1:21), Job says.  What do we have, brothers and sisters, that has not been given to us?  All is grace.  All is given. Who gave me this hand?  Who wiggles these fingers?  Who created this eye which I cannot explain or understand?  I cannot even make this hair grow.  It is all gift.

From beginning to end, everything is grace, everything is given.  There is nothing that we have a right to or that we deserve.”

Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, pp. 207-208
(Source: Days of Renewal)

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The church is supposed to be about unconditional love, but if I were to ask 10 people on the street what first comes to mind when they think of church, I’ll bet that’s not it.  What’s going on here?  The gospel is supposed to be good news.  If what we’re calling good news is the last thing people want to hear, then it’s not good news.  Well, some would say, it’s only good news to the predestined, or it’s only good news for those who believe correctly.  It turns out if you’re on the other side of the tracks, its very bad news indeed.  Hellfire and brimstone, in fact.  Something doesn’t add up.

The whole concept of grace throws this on its head.  God’s acceptance of us has nothing to do with us…it comes to us with no consideration of our merit.  We cannot earn it or screw it up.  If we could earn it or screw it up, it wouldn’t be grace.  It certainly wouldn’t be good news.  It cannot be something some people have and others don’t.  Grace is unconditional…that means without condition.  This is what sets Christianity apart from the rest…the idea that God is forever turned toward mankind, a lover who walked to the edge and beyond in pursuit of His sons and daughters.

The choice lies in whether we can bring ourselves to turn toward Him…to be seen as we are, laid bare, and embraced.  Many deeply doubt their own worth, and cannot accept this kind of love.  Many deeply doubt love itself, and are wary to open themselves to trust.  I think God reserves His deepest compassion for these…those who don’t choose Him, who cannot choose Him.  These, who are often ostracized, judged or argued with by defensive Christians, are the prodigal sons, for whom God would drop everything and run down the road to embrace, tears of joy streaming down his face.  Perhaps there are some of these reading this now.  Come home…His arms are raised, not in anger, but in compassion.

I am a mess.  Yet, in my Father’s eyes, I am perfect and accepted completely.  So, maybe I’m not a mess after all.  I am willing to take the chance, and live from a place of freedom…from my own disappointment with myself, from the judgments of others, from being alone.  Grace is an invitation to live in the moment, in the embrace of the present.  It’s an invitation to enjoy the shared experience of reciprocal love we enter into when we lay back in the arms of God.  God is a lover.  Do not be afraid.

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All this talk about relationship with Christ…as though it were something to be attained or sought after, researched or discovered, understood or somehow earned.  All that energy and talk, much of it self-serving and all of it meeting some unmet need, misses the point entirely.  What am I thinking?  What I seek I already have.

It’s been an interesting process leaving church and spending a prolonged period of time without a local church community. It’s been nearly a year now, and its taken this long to shed the skin of talk-driven spirituality.  I used to go to church looking for some magic words from a pastor, words that might touch something deep in me and help me get closer to God.  I would share this experience with peers, all of us using the comfortable language of earnest, missional Christianity, talking each other into relationship.  Prayer was the same – flowery language, words carefully chosen, a deep desire to meet the needs of the person or group one was praying with. It was for them, or for me, or for God.   None of this is bad, but it was empty in many ways.  For them, for me, or for God…but lacking Presence.

I never experienced God’s presence then like I do now…or rather, His presence hasn’t changed, but now I’m quiet enough to notice, quiet enough to rest, quiet enough to listen.  Words don’t get in the way like they did.  It’s hard to explain, though I find the everyday wonder of my marriage gets closest to touching it.  My relationship with my wife has deepened most profoundly in the quiet realm of our unspoken communication.  In an embrace, we are one.  In the undefined, unspoken bond of trust and commitment between us, we are one.  We are one, and we don’t need to say that to be that.  It doesn’t need to be defined, examined or studied…we just enjoy it, and it gives us life.  It is so interesting that the vision of relationship with Christ most widely used in the bible is the marriage.  Presence…oneness.

The Christian life is life…it doesn’t need to be dressed up or defined.  God is.  He is with us in all we do and all we are.  I think if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned this is the hardest thing to grasp and live out.  I want to earn it, so I can lay claim to it.  I want to need it, so I can grasp it tightly.  The bare reality is that God simply is, and there’s nothing I can do to earn His love or screw it up.  As Phillip Yancey writes, there’s nothing we can do to make God love us less, and there’s nothing we can do to make Him love us more.   It just is…His love just is.

Those moments when I wrap my head around this make me want to cry.  In some ways, the tears are tears of loss…for life is terrible sometimes, and there is very often no comfort to be had.  Those who suffer more than I know this intimately.  Yet, the tears are also tears of joy…for in the midst of it all, I am known…I am home where I am.  In the midst of the bitter-sweetness of life, I am home in the untouchable embrace of God…who is the essence of relationship, eternally embraced and embracing, Father, Son and Spirit.

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