The Crack Up

When Trying To Impress Girls Takes A Turn For The Worst

2012-07-25T12:17:00.001-07:00

Daily Mail - A British man is lucky to be alive after jumping off a 60ft-high wooden platform into just 5ft of water in a bid to impress some girls. The wooden platform had been erected to allow local fishermen to spot tuna fish at Kraljeva in Croatia – but was no longer in use. Vedran Bilic, a local man who witnessed the dive, said: ‘He said his name was David Wilson and he was from London, and he boasted to some girls that he could easily dive from the platform. When they laughed at him he climbed up the pole and really did dive.’ The Briton jumped off the tower and plunged clumsily into the water, hitting the surface with a sickening slap. Mr Bilic said: ‘I thought he would be crippled but he swam to the shore and ran off. ‘It must have hurt because he hit the water with a terrific whack as he wasn’t exactly a good diver.’ Indeed, it is his lack of diving skills that probably saved his life. A coastguard spokesman said he would have suffered serious if not fatal injuries had he entered the water head-first. Mr Bilic agreed, adding: ‘It was apparently the mother of all belly flops – it must have really hurt his private parts – but on the other hand if he had hit the water cleanly he would have cracked his head on the bottom and would not have survived. ’Instead it was just his pride that was injured.’

"It was the mother of all belly flops, it must have really hurt his private parts" is just about the best sentence I've ever read. "Hurt" is the understatement of the century. I'm surprise his nads weren't slung from their sack up into his body and shot out of his mouth like a couple of doves released at the grand opening of a national park. Raw genital devastation when this guy hit the water.

We've all done silly shit to impress girls before. I've swallowed a whole thing of Bubble Tape bubble gum to get Mary Kilway's attention (that was 6 years ago, which means in a year it will finally be fully digested, so I got that goin' for me). I've taken my Huffy off ramps that Travis fucking Pastrana would call certified death traps. I can't count how many carnival games I've failed at trying to win a 40 pound pink bear the size of my father. But I've never done something this ridiculous. Humpty Dumpty suffered less injuries than this clown. And Since when did jumping from suicidal heights become a panty dropper? What the hell did he think he was going to accomplish on the off chance that he nailed a perfect swan dive? They probably would have called him gay and left. It's a lose-lose. 1) You fuck up the jump and belly flop, you're in a full body cast getting spoon fed Dannon Light and fit's, sipping penicillin from a helmet straw. 2) You light it up with an effortless, splash-free falcon dive, the chicks yell "nice dive homo, how did Greg Louganis's balls taste after he taught you that one?"

You want it impress a chick, then go out and do it the old fashion way like everyone else...Put spinners on your Accord, throw on an Affliction shirt and tell her her tits look "money". Putty in your hand...

Creepo Puppeteer wants to eat children...Oh, but first he wants to rape them. Solid guy.

2012-07-24T13:19:00.002-07:00

DM – A children’s entertainer is alleged to have confessed to wanting to rape, kill and then eat a child. Ronald Brown made the horrific confession to a pedophile as they talked about what they would like to do with young children. The 57-year-old, who worked as a puppeteer, lusted after young children and spoke about his fantasy of killing and cooking the body parts of a young boy in an online chat room. According to an arrest affidavit Brown said he would like to tie the child up, store him in a closet and then eat him at Easter. He describes in graphic detail what he would do to the boy, how he would cut him up and says: ‘He would make a fine Easter feast.’ In another chat, Brown allegedly remarked how great summer time is because the children in his Florida neighborhood are ‘almost naked.’ In another thread, Brown remarked about how his ‘mouth watered’ while looking at a female toddler.

Shame on you Ronald Brown, you greedy little bastard. You can't have your cake and eat it to - sorry. You want to entertain, rape, kill AND eat a little boy? The nerve on this guy. Really upgrading to the Premium Gold Pedophile Package there Ronnie huh? Hittin' for the cycle. The whole kit n' kaboodle. Some just don't know when to be happy with what they've got. Putting on a puppet show, sodomizing, and then snuffing him out isn't gonna quench ol' Ron's thirst? Nope. He's gotta throw Timmy on the non-stick Foreman grill, and pair him nicely with some jasmine cous-cous? What a freak.

How the fuck are people still surprised when a puppet master plows a third grader? Why are cops waiting for puppeteer's to make a move on a kid before arresting them. The fact that they are a fucking PUPPETEER isn't enough? Like, what the hell else do you think they are doing, just putting on straight up, legitimate puppet shows, packing their shit up, going home to a beautiful wife and 3 kids, throwing a few logs on the fire and watching Miracle on 34th Street? Fuck no. They're taking kids backstage and playing the skin flute on their lower backs. We should be locking up puppeteer's all over the place just based on profession. Saying a puppeteer isn't hosting diddle-power-hour after parties is like saying Mario and Luigi weren't bangin' each other after their daily trips to Coin Star.

Here's a question I've pondered for a while, can puppeteers have sex with no strings attached?

*slaps knee, takes shot of Jack, keels over*

Guy Jumps Out Of Speeding Car To Escape His Nagging Girlfriend

2012-07-19T12:58:00.001-07:00

MADISON, Wis. - A 34-year-old man was taken to a hospital after jumping out of a moving car early Tuesday morning because he couldn’t stand bickering with his girlfriend any longer. Police said the man had taken his girlfriend out for her birthday Monday night, but as they drove home in the back of a friend’s car, he said he had it with bickering with his girlfriend. The couple evidently spent much of the birthday night in a dispute over a possible move to another state, according to a Madison Police Department incident report. Police said the man couldn’t stand it any longer and wanted to get out immediately, so instead of waiting for the car to stop, he opened a rear passenger door and stepped out, or fell out, onto busy East Washington Avenue about 1 a.m. Tuesday. The victim hit his head while tumbling from the moving vehicle in the 3200 block of East Washington Avenue and was taken to a hospital with a brain bleed.

The only way this story gets any better is if the boyfriend was actually driving the car - careening toward a cliff at a 75 mile an hour clip AND THEN jumped out. Sure he's picking up a few more bumps and bruises, but a broken collarbone and a few lacerations is a small price to pay to put that nagging blood hound out to pasture.

We all get in fights we our significant others, but it's the way we react to the situation that separates the stiffs from the legends. Some guys yell and scream, and decide to fight the un-winnable uphill battle that is a girlfriend dispute- STIFFS. And then you have this fine young gentleman who LITERALLY takes the low road and jumps out of a speeding vehicle- LEGEND. This son of a bitch was literally ready to throw his life on the line to get away from the fire breathing sorceress who, at that moment, was fucking up his life in the worst way possible. He thought to himself:

"Holy shit shut up. Holy shit shut up. Holy shit shut up. Wait a second! That's right! Jeremy took the child locks off this piece of shit two weeks ago. I'm poppin' that door open and fuckin' jumping. Sure, I may not make it, but I'd rather die in silence than live with this motor-mouthed set of tits. I'll just scream "well here goes nothin!" and then jump...Wait, wait. I can't have my last words be "well here goes nothin'". If I'm gonna potentially die on the side of the road in the next thirty seconds I gotta go out with some motherfucking sparkle. Something witty. Something to remember me by. Something awesome...

*opens car door*

"YOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Best Dancer Ever Banned From Bar For His Flagrant Moves

2012-07-11T12:55:00.001-07:00

(Sun) -- A NEWCASTLE native has spoken of his sadness that his “wild” dancing has seen him barred from his favourite boozer.On most weekends Dave Cooper, 48, can be found performing his eye-popping routines in any number of pubs and clubs across the city. His unique style has seen him gain a legion of fans. But bouncers have banned Dave from his favourite bar Cosy Joes following complaints about his moves. The devastated groover said: “I’m just a crazy dancer. I get called Lethal Weapon by people because I’m wild. “I love to dance because I get frustrated with life. I don’t like fighting, I’m not a fighter so I dance. “Last weekend me and my mates went to go in Cosy Joes, where I’ve been going for ages, but the bouncers wouldn’t let us in.

I haven't seen an injustice this severe since I was kicked outta the Discovery Zone ball pit in 6th grade for showing some babes my belly button. I mean, come the fuck on, this guy is 48 years old and still moves like a wave tank on coke. Give credit where it's due! His moves are silkier than John Travolta's blouse collection. I can't understand how this fucking bro could bother anyone at all. If I was posted up watching this guy cut rug at the local bar I'd be applauding the shit out of him and asking for lessons.

People are just jealous. Our nation is full of absolutely brutal dancers. You walk into a bar, girls are on the dancefloor tossin' their tits around like herring at a Seattle fish market and stomping around in heels. You can't tell if they're on the verge of a temper tantrum or being chased in a circle by a demon skunk that they're hallucinating. Then you have the dudes out there, pumping their fists into mid air and clinging to bitches like Abercrombie saran wrap. It's fucking embarrassing. Dave Cooper is just using the skills that the good lord gave him. Clearly didn't give him looks. Got hosed on height. Jipped on popularity (he's at the bar alone). But he made out al-fucking-right in the groovin' department. D-Coop makes Justin Timberlake look like bowl of Raisin Bran.

I just can't believe they had the stones to ban this guy with little to no basis whatsoever. It's a bar for fuck's sake. The one place where dancing like this is not only acceptable but ENCOURAGED. I can't see getting kicked out of anywhere for dancing. Doesn't it automatically improve the general quality of life in any establishment? The bank, church, Pep Boys. If I walked into my daughter's bedroom and she was blowing The Situation and he started laying down with some ill dance moves, I would have no choice but to join in and get funky for at least 15 minutes before I got my gun.

The Most Ridiculous Pencil Sharpener Of All Time

2012-06-20T11:53:00.001-07:00

Sure, at first glance this isn't that exciting to most people, but I am absolutely fascinated by this pencil sharpener. Not so much the sharpener itself but what a gigantic waste of time and money it was to build this fucking #2 buzz-saw. Why fuck with something that has already fully reached it's peak potential and wholly met everyone's expectations. The pencil sharpener has already completed it's evolution:

1.

This handheld piece of shit drove me insane in elementary school. So much goddamn effort. It's a better forearm workout than beating off upside down. Just cranking away on the handheld pencil sharpener, that's basically how I spent the better part of my youth. It would take me 10 minutes to get a nice fine point on the thing, then i'd go to write with it and the fucking tip would snap AGAIN. I would just laugh to myself in a diabolically frustrated manner and start banging my head off my desk. Enough to drive a young man to the nearest Shady Acres.

2.

Don't even get me started on this piece of re-heated dogshit. School's decided to hang these disasters on their classroom walls so that 5th graders everywhere could suffer and throw a shoulder out trying to get some graphite to show face. What the hell am I reeling in a tuna? This is Mrs. Edelman's Health class not Bass Pro Shops. You'd have to make that awkward walk to the front of the classroom to sharpen your pencil. Some kids would sit there and milk that thing for a good 4 minutes, anything to keep their ass outta that torture device aka the two in one chair-desk (why the fuck were they welded together? To ensure the utter discomfort of every kid in the universe. As if school didn't already suck enough.) Cranking the handle on that sharpener was harder than bringing up a bucket of water on a 60 foot well pulley.

3.

Then came the holy fucking grail. The pinnacle of office supplies. The mountain top of usefulness and efficiency. The moneyshot of pencil accoutrements. The electric pencil sharpener in all its goddamn glory. The thing was like a Delta turbine. So much power, so much torque, dominating anything in its path with a subpar tip. Straight suckin' up wood like a Kentucky madame. What a fucking delight it was to use. So easy and effortless. I had wet dreams about my electric pencil sharpener where I would slide my dong in the hole, quiver like a penguin, get the thing pregnant and move to a gated community in New Mexico with my weird new family. Then cheat on her with a pencil box, get kicked outta the house for 6 months, sink into a dark depression, lose contact with my little sharpener children, and just when life was at its darkest point, she took me back. She always took me back.

That's the end of the line right there. No need whatsoever to improve on the electric pencil sharpener. It exists, and its awesome, so get your fucking head out of your ass and spend that time curing cancer or something. What are you gonna do, put this new sharpener in a classroom for kids? You'll have 19 severed limbs within the first week. Kids losing fingers by the dozen, walking around fisting each other with their new little hand nubs. Not a pretty sight. Let it be, pal, let it be.

Drunk Chick Eats Shit On a Railing

2012-06-13T12:59:00.003-07:00

This video is absolute perfection. Girl just flat out eats shit, not in one of those America's Funniest Home Videos type of ways, but in a very "call 911, the bitch isn't breathing" type of way. That's pure skull on concrete after that tumble, a recipe that usually ends sucking down a chicken parm milk shake for dinner, and then staring blankly out the window while a nurse sponges down your decaying body on a sleep number bed.

In her defense the bannister slide is something that kids of all ages have been trying to perfect for fucking centuries. I guarantee your goddamn grandparents were bannister sliding back in their salad days, and guess what, 100 years later we're no fucking better at it than they were. Sure we've all tried it, and had some success. But we've also all almost shit snowshoes because of a few close calls. You tip one way, the railing bends the other, center of gravity is gone and you have a fucking decision to make - get off the rail mid-slide and hope you land in some kind of way that doesn't involve your balls being bulldozed into your asshole, or commit to the rail like true wildcard and die a hero. Because this bitch was so shitcanned the choice was already made for her, except there was nothing heroic about her demise. She just devoured a humiliation reuben while her friend yodeled at the top of the stairs like some kind of hack opera singer. In this case, it was over WAY before the fat lady sang.

Oh and incase you need more proof that a lot of girls do stupid shit here's a picture of a bride that wore a 2 mile long dress just for show on her wedding day like a fucking jackass.

If I was a groomsman in that wedding I would have driven two miles away during the ceremony, got to the end of the dress and taken an absolutely medieval shit on the thing. Nobody back at the church would have any clue that she got married in a pooped on dress, but I would, and that's enough to put me to bed smiling.

The World Burping Championships: It's Gonna Be A Gas

2012-06-06T13:35:00.002-07:00

WorldBurpingFederation – The World Burping Federation, with headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland, oversees duration and decibel belching competitions in all G-8 nations, as well as in Brazil, India, Spain, Singapore, Maldives, and the Territory of Cocos (Keeling) Islands. The WBF has also established a focus group to explore the possibility of a “burp-talking” division. The WBF promotes belching best practices and the pursuit of lifelong learning, while also seeking to remove the stigma that has become associated with belching in recent centuries. With the exclusion of Bahrain, the last bastion in which a belch is considered a compliment, most cultures of the globe look down on burping and consider it to be rude. Burping is a fundamental part of the digestive process, and the near universal stigma surrounding it has planted the seeds of shame in countless number of people, contributing to a subtle, but significant, degradation of the human experience. By conducting a series of promotional belching competitions in nations throughout the world, the WBF hopes to usher in a new era when belching is accepted as it was in millennia past. World Burping Championship: 8 June, 2012, Hudson Station, NY, NY, USA –11 AM ET $500 Prize

It's pretty fucking amazing the things we actually give merit to these days. Spelling Bee's getting national attention, the fucking luge actually being an olympic event and now, ladies and gentlemen, burping! Something all human beings do as a natural bodily function like blinking or rubbing your eyes. I don't see people tipping their caps to hardcore eye rubbers: "Holy shit, that guy just rubbed his eyes for 3 hours straight. Gotta be a new record! God they must have been so itchy, I bet he was seeing all kinds of colors. He treated himself to a viewing of the Northern Lights!. Quick, cut him a check, suck his dick, and get him a plaque!" Everyone needs to calm down and stop being so easily impressed with useless skills. People will sit on a corner and watch a street performer juggle live babies and 5 pound celery stalks while on a pogo stick, and actually pay the bastard. Sheer lunacy. God, I hate street performers.

The kids in school who used to watch some dickhead burp the alphabet at the lunch table royally pissed me off. Like stop cheering for this kid. Something's fucking wrong with him. If he tried to do that during Witch Hunt days he'd be carried to the stake the next morning and promptly burned.

This asshole burping loudly is about as impressive as me having two nipples. The world burping federation's attempt to usher in a new era where belching is accepted is a little late. I burp all the time. You slug some soda and gotta heave one out, so be it. It's really not that bad. People do it all the time, and next to farting, burping pretty much looks like curing cancer. I think It's already accepted bros...Unless you're a hot chick...The second a hot chick lets out a deep blecherooski, it's automatically assumed that she probably has a lot of guy friends and has been passed around more than the wood-chip yams at a beaver Thanksgiving. Ugly girls- burp away! Nobody's gonna notice anyway.

Man Skydiving from Space - What a Complete Ass

2012-06-01T12:04:00.003-07:00

Yahoo – This summer, Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner will attempt to break the world record for the longest jump, plummeting more than 23 miles from the Earth’s stratosphere. To prepare for the jump, Baumgartner will breath pure oxygen for nearly an hour to remove nitrogen bubbles from his blood. He will then stay at the peak elevation for three hours, allowing his body to adjust. He will then jump in a pressurized suit that will prevent his blood from boiling at the extremely high elevation.

Sometimes you eat one hot dog, and the person sitting next to you eats two. You do three cartwheels in a row and the show off prick in the same gym class bangs out 4 of them. "One uppers" are fucking everywhere, they are like Visa credit cards and the clap. This asshole Felix is a classic one-upper, and if I was Neil Armstrong I'd moonwalk my sluggish, 81 year old ass over to his house and make him gargle my sperm comets.

How bored do you have to be with plain old sky diving to go off the deep end and take up "SPACE" sky diving. Like when someone brings up a regular 30,000 foot sky dive in front of this douche, does he just yawn and squeal sarcastically, "woweeee....big whooop".

I just don't understand how he's going to go through with this leap of faith with how much time he's got during the prep process to actually THINK about what he's doing. I mean, an hour on an pure oxygen tank, then three hours hanging out at the peak elevation. You would think with 4 fucking hours to let it sink in you might say "hmmm, I'm about to sky dive into nothingness and probably burn myself into 4 billion particles before I even come close to entering the earth's atmosphere, maybe it's time for a new hobby. Those holistic pottery classes at the Junior Women's club actually don't sound so bad right about now."

The problem is, there's gotta be a trained astronaut who has the responsibility of driving this eager beaver to space, and he's not gonna be too fucking happy if Felix Baumgartner decides to back out at the last minute.

"You ready Felix? We've reached your jumping elevation."

"You know, kinda having second thoughts."

"Say what now?"

"This whole thing is just a little ridiculous if you think about it. I can't skydive into the galaxy, that's insane."

"I'm giving you 4 seconds to bunny hop your bitch ass out the door or I'm going to shoot you in the dick and then in the face. You dragged me all the way up here TO FUCKING SPACE, and now you're going to pussy out? I think not you son of a bitch. I gave you a ride to outerspace pal, not the mall. JUMP MOTHERFUCKER!"

One small step for man, one giant douchebag who wants to make the papers.

Cleopatra Was a Floozy - OMG!

2012-05-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Cleopatra was only 12 years old when she took her first lover.
— OMG Facts (@OMGFacts) May 22, 2012

I recently started following this "OMG Facts" Twitter account out of sheer boredom. Most of the nuggets they spew out are fairly run of the mill facts - stuff I've heard before. The human small intestine is 22 feet long! OMG! There once was an octopus who figured out how to short circuit a light in it's own aquarium! OMG! Bruce Springsteen wrote the song Glory Days after visiting an anonymous sex hole in a wall connecting two bathroom stalls in Flynt, Michigan - a phenomenon that would later be dubbed "The Glory Hole".

This fact, however, takes the cake as the weirdest, most random shit they've ever put on there. First of all, it's sexual. OMG facts are NEVER sexual. Second of all, it's just fucking creepy. You're basically telling me that Cleopatra was raped as a 12 year old. I don't think she "took her first lover at 12", sounds like it was the other way around. I can't see anyway this was consensual. I don't think that she was hitting the pyramid pubs, slutting herself out and trolling for pharaoh dick as a 7th grader. What was she pulling a Joey Potter and climbing into King Tut's window at 3AM looking to tombstone some sandy nuts before she even had grass on the infield? No fucking way.

Even if this IS true, who the fuck is the pedophile historian who dug up this little pearl of information? What a mongrel. Isn't there anything else more worthwhile to learn about the egyptians than when they lost their virginity? Like how did they keep their dick and balls safe from desert debris and sandstorms in just a paper thin loincloth? Some jackass is just sitting in the stacks at his public library thumbing through pics of Cleopatra and wankin' it because he just discovered she was sexually active at a young age. Maybe he's not even a pedophile, maybe he just likes morally questionable pre-teen chicks who have a tendency to misbehave. Hey buddy, I heard she snuck her and her friends into an R-rated movie after stealing two fistfuls of Sugar Daddies at the Cairo penny-candy store. Annnnnnnnd....CUMSHOT!

BYU Girl Gets Worked By Hurdle

2012-05-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

There's almost no words to describe this video's perfection. If the Kentucky Derby is the best 2 MINUTES in sports, then this clip of a BYU broad's legs failing to react in anyway whatsoever to a 3 foot hurdle in front of her as she approaches it from dead on at full speed is the best 9 SECONDS in history.

The only thing better than this would be the video of the next 24 hours that took place in her life after eating this humiliating shit sandwich.

8AM: Wake up. Stare in mirror. Mutter "why me?" 400 to 600 times.

10Am: Receive phone call from boyfriend. He breaks up with you. He laughs. He continues to laugh. You hang up.

10:15AM: Receive phone call from ex-boyfriend. He's still laughing.

10:30AM: Go for a walk. Get pelted with eggs by members of student body.

10:45AM: While walking, pass by a man standing next to his car on the side of the road. Man looks at you, says "Dead battery. I'd ask you for a jump, but I know thats not in the cards." Man laughs. Man spits in your general direction. Man's spit lands on your forehead.

2PM: Receive phone call from friend. Get uninvited to tonight's party. Friend laughs, asks for laundry advice. "Trying to figure out the best way to dry my whites. Medium seems okay, but I know you prefer tumble." Friend laughs, calls you a failure. Friend hangs up.

3PM: Walk by graduation speaker giving inspirational speech to senior class. "Remember to look before you leap." Speaker turns attention directly to you - "But for christ's sake, always remember to leap!" Crowd erupts in laughter. Get pelted with more eggs.

9PM: Contemplate suicide.

9:02PM: Seriously contemplate suicide.

11PM: Trip while getting into bed. Break collarbone.

This girl cannot seriously call herself a college athlete ever again. How long after the fall do you think it took for her parents to sneak out of the bleachers undetected and get the hell off that campus?

Red Hat Purple Dress Society: What the What?

2012-04-26T11:42:00.002-07:00

An anonymous source recently brought it to my attention that The Red Hat Purple Dress Society is actually a thing. I would now like a baby grand piano to fall out of a 20th story window landing directly on my head and giving me 100% clean slate memory amnesia, because that's the only way I'll ever be able to un-know that this group exists on planet earth.

"The Red Hat Society (RHS) is a social organization originally founded in 1998 in the United States for women age 50 and beyond, but now open to women of all ages. As of 2011, there were over 40,000 chapters in the United States and 30 other countries. Both Red and Pink Hatters often wear very elaborately decorated hats and attention-getting fashion accessories, such as a feather boa, at the group's get-togethers. The Society's events vary depending on the chapter, but one of the most common pastimes among Red Hatters is attending or hosting a tea party. Other activities, freely chosen and planned by the individual chapters, include crafts, games, theater or cinema trips, music-making (often on kazoos), and various outings."

There's certain times in life where you just find yourself perplexed. Dumbfounded. Mystified. Like the first time you see a sweet set of jugs, or the second you hear about how Rufus the 67 year old, sweet as cherry pie, lovable school bus driver was actually diddling some 4th grade ballsack after school hours in the less than comfortable back left "half seat" of his bus. Finding out there's basically a geriatric mafia rollin' deep from coffee house to antique shop is another one of these times. Just a bunch of dusty hags straight owning The Christmas Tree Shops and Denny's and mean muggin' all over town. They probably have enough combined boob length to circle the earth 4 times. Gravity is a unforgiving cocksucker.

Make no mistake about it - this is a fucking gang. Yeah maybe they're not walkin' around pistol whipping "sucka MC's" and saggin' their Southpole jeans down to their bootstraps, but they all seem to have compatible tastes, they gather in one area, they roam in packs, and for fuck's sake they all dress alike. I don't know what the hell the initiation is, stealing some dentures off your ex-husband's nightstand? Crushing 40 packets of Metamucil and drag racing your Buick LeSabre in an abandoned Caldor parking lot? Is it at all fucked up that I wanna start a Blue Hat Society? Hey, every REAL gang needs a rival.

What The Hell Are Dudes Wearing These Days

2012-04-12T13:27:00.001-07:00

"As you bounce from house to house and in-law to in-law next weekend, spreading the holiday cheer, make sure you do it in style. Like in this getup from our friends at Need Supply."

Life After Denim Shawl Collar Coat ($168). General Assembly Corduroy Blazer ($138). Life After Denim Striped Crew ($78). Life After Denim Slim Fit Chino ($78). Raen Lomis Sunglasses ($105). Norse Projects York Beanie ($50). Billykirk Brass Buckle Belt ($135). Billykirk Waxed Cotton Large Caryall ($295). H by Hudson Cruise Boot ($275). Property Of... Alf Wallet ($56). Woolrich John Rich & Bros. Cashmere Scarf ($250).

Awwwwwww, cut the shit.

www.Uncrate.com is like a "dude's" website where bro's can go on and check out cool gadgets, cars, camping gear, whatever the fuck you're into, and every so often they do a Garb section. They give each Garb post a theme and suggest an "outfit" for you to wear while doing whatever dumbass activity it is that they've encompassed in the theme. This particular Garb section was the tip of the fucking iceberg for me. I can't take this shit anymore.

First of all who the fuck dresses like this? House Hopping? Is that even a thing? These are the clothes I'm supposed to wear to go see my in-laws? If anyone's father-in-law saw them in this monkey suit they'd go upside their head with a shoe horn.

"Really pal? You're fucking my daughter dressed like Sherlock Holmes? Hey Paddington Bear, how 'bout you toss those red velvet pants in the cedar closet for a while and put on a pair dungarees. Throw that gay blazer in a wood chipper, this isn't Masterpiece Theatre, and chuck the scarf so I'm no longer tempted to strangle you with it."

I don't understand who these fucking magazines are appealing to when they throw these outfits together. You would look like a certified ass clown if you threw on all those clothes and strolled out the front door. Like "Holy shit this kid is trying too hard. He looks like he snuck onto the Titanic, beat the piss out of Leo, and stole his clothes like some kind of asshole." Obviously this is in my humble, humble opinion and I could be wrong (doubtful). Maybe chicks dig this stuff (doubtful) and the guy who wears his stylish House Hopping getup pounds pussy on the reg (highly doubtful).

P.S. Has anyone ever looked at the prices on this stuff. If any man is spending $275 dollars on shoes that don't either make him faster than Flash or shoot fire from the heel, then he deserves a swift kick to the dick.

Snakes Get Married: Cambodia Has Lost Their Minds

2012-03-29T13:23:00.001-07:00

SVAY ROLUM, Cambodia — Hundreds of villagers flocked to a wedding ceremony Monday between a 16-foot (4.8-meter), 200-pound (90-kilogram) female python and her slightly smaller mate – both believed to be magic snakes that bring prosperity and peace. The two-hour ceremony in Svay Rolum village, 12 miles (20 kilometers) south of the capital Phnom Penh, ended with two Buddhist monks blessing the pair and villagers showering them with flowers as wedding music played. Most Cambodians, almost all Buddhists, also subscribe to animism – a belief that spirits can inhabit all sorts of living and inanimate objects. Whenever an odd animal makes an appearance, it is cause for the superstitious to celebrate. "We married these pythons to ask for health and prosperity in our village," said 41-year-old Neth Vy, owner of female python named Chamrouen.
"We were told (by fortunetellers) that the two pythons are husband and wife and they need to live together, and if we don't marry them we will meet bad luck," said Neth Vy, who found the then-tiny python while fishing 16 years ago. He said since the snake became part of the household, the family's living conditions had steadily improved and no misfortune had befallen them. The male python, named Kroung Pich, was caught 12 days ago by Hin Mao, a 44-year-old, childless woman who said she regarded it as her son.

What in the name of Wayne Newton's snatch is going on in Cambodia? Marrying snakes? Are you shitting me? I've seen some oddball nonsense in my day but this absolutely tops the charts on StupidShit-O-Meter. If these clowns actually think that uniting these serpents in holy matrimony is going to bring them a deluge of prosperity and good luck then I honestly can't do anything but sincerely congratulate them. Everyone knows ignorance is bliss, and this is just about as ignorant as you get. Thinking that your 17 year old daughter isn't out blowing the baseball team in an Arby's parking lot on a Friday night is less ignorant than marrying snakes for good luck. They gotta be the happiest culture alive, how can you even get mad at them? If I had to sit in the 160 degree heat in the jungle for a two hour ceremony where the bride took 40 minutes to creepily slither down the aisle and the groomsmen couldn't even make it because they were out inhaling possums and medium sized mice I would strap Lysol cans to my waist and pay an eager Craigslister to shoot flaming arrows at me. I don't know how these Cambodians do it. The patience on these guys.

I mean maybe it's not as crazy as it sounds. We believe in the "lucky rabbit's foot" for christ's sake, and that's about as big of a croc as shit as you get. I just hope snake marriage lasts longer than people marriage, because if we are any indication of what's gonna happen, then she'll take half his shit and leave him for a strapping, well traveled 29 year old cobra with a dick like a tire iron. I can just hear him bitching now:

"Can you believe it Ricky? CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT? She just up and leaves me for some creep half her age. God, everytime I think about it it just makes my skin crawl!"

"Actually Barry, you're just shedding."

P.S. How 'bout that bachelor party, huh? Were they the first crew to hit Vegas and actually opt for the desert land over the Strip? Sunbathe in the sand and digest a horse for 96 hours? Hell of a ripper.

World's Tallest Man Wears World's Most Expensive Shoes...Asshole.

2012-03-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

Huff Po – America’s tallest man has a big problem: He can’t find shoes that fit. Even worse: He says he’s been told that getting a pair that properly fit could cost as much as $16,000. He’s Igor Vovkovinskiy and Guinness World Records declared the 7-foot, 8.33-inch paralegal student from Rochester, Minn., to be the tallest man in the U.S. back in 2010. These days, he’d rather have a pair of decent shoes in his closet than a plaque to hang on his wall. “Guinness never contacted me after I got the certificate,” he told the Huffington Post. “That was two years ago. I have one pair of shoes and they’re more like shapeless clogs. There’s no grip, no support.” But while most people can find footwear that fits without a struggle, that task is a tall order for Vovkovinskiy, who is raising money to relieve his estimated size 26 feet by orchestrating a fundraising campaign called “Igor Needs Shoes.” Vovkovinskiy, who emigrated to the U.S. from the Ukraine as a 6-foot-tall 7-year-old, claims he hasn’t owned a good pair of shoes in the the last 5 years, but has had 16 surgeries on his feet. “[My feet] are deformed terribly now,” he said. “I have spent a total of 3 years on bed rest because none of my shoes have been made specifically for my feet. They rub, they make wounds. I have surgery, foot gets more deformed. They rub more, I have more surgery and so on. And the circle goes on.” Some orthopedic shoe makers and doctors have said the only way to stop the circle is for Vovkovinskiy to have laser scans done of each foot, a process estimated to cost $16,000.

Buddy, I understand you're the world's tallest man. That's awesome. Really a great gift you were blessed with. It's not weird or anything that you're 8 feet tall and your shoe is the size of a veterinarian's operating table. I'm just saying that if you're gonna stand in the crowd and try to blend in like pic#2 here, then you need to realize that you're gonna have to be treated just like everyone else. You gotta work for those shoes motherfucker. Stop looking for handouts. EVERYONE'S shoes are expensive. I bought a pair of sneaks the other day, set me back a cool hundred bucks. That's just the way the cookie fucking crumbles. Things cost money. I wasn't panhandling outside of foot locker and stealing coins from the mall wishing well. I paid just like any other warm blooded American - with hard earned cash.

To be honest, Igor. You're sitting on a fucking gold mine and you don't even realize it. You know how many people would pay JUST to come and get a glimpse of you? That has "pack a picnic, fill the Subaru up at Citgo, put the car seats in, and take the kids upstate to spend an otherwise mundane Sunday seeing a human birch tree" written all over it. I'd pay like 80 bucks admission EASY. Stop hanging out at Obama rally's and get your ass in a glass box in the middle of a Natural History museum. People will come from all over the world to see you and you'll have that 16 large lickety split. You know what they say - "if the shoe fits, stop being a needy bitch."

PS Imagine being on the treadmill next to this guy at the gym. He's whining his balls off that his feet hurt even on like a 1.7 MPH setting, and you can't even turn your ipod up loud enough to drown the bastard out because he's 8 feet tall and his superhuman voice sounds like a thunderstorm. Brutal.

Dad Teaches (Cry-Baby) Son To Ski

2012-03-06T12:14:00.002-08:00

Skiing is fun. Teaching someone to ski is not. I lack a fundamental human element - patience, so for me, teaching someone to ski is about as possible as teaching Zach Morris not to wear high tops. I tried to teach my girlfriend to ski recently and between the crying, the screaming, the quivering, the name calling, the biting, the hitting, and the dirty looks I was ready to willingly stand in front of a firing squad. I felt like I was literally torturing someone. That should be a certified CIA tactic. The next time we capture and bring in some stubborn Ruskie spy for questioning, forget the bamboo chutes and the waterboarding just ask him if he knows how to ski. If he says no, buy the bastard a fucking lift ticket...oh he'll start talkin', alright.

I had the same tactic as this dad. Just keep yelling "PIZZA, PIZZA!!!" It just doesn't help much. It'd be like a pilot teaching me how to fly and just yelling "BREAD PUDDING!, BREAD PUDDING." It doesn't mean anything to them at all. This kid took the ultimate digger. I'm pretty sure he knocked all his fucking teeth out. His face was bloodier than the stool of a colon cancer patient. This kid is a big pussy anyways. Hey dad, wake up and smell the coffee. It's time to trade those skis in for a tutu.

Stupid Girl Doesn't Understand Leap Years...Who Cares?

2012-02-29T08:49:00.001-08:00

Sweet rant hunny! You really fucked us all up with some truth. Everything you said was coherent and groundbreaking and...wait for it...wait for it...the ramblings of a complete shit head. Who cares if you don't understand leap years? I don't understand why Kraft Mac and Cheese went through a phase where they shaped their noodles like dinosaurs, but I didn't post a video of my pasty white, teenage, pimpled ass giving them hell's fury for making that decision. You just roll with it - "Well, looks like I'm eating dino's today, c'est la fucking vie..."

How do you know it was even scientists that invented leap years? How do you know it wasn't some jackass named Bristol ripping bong hits in the back of his Ford Maverick next to his buddy who just happens to know people in high places.

"Dude February should have an extra day, not like every year, but like, once in a while."

"I'll make a call, bro."

I can't imagine what else sets this girl off. If leap years send her into a fucking rage induced seizure what the hell is gonna happen when she doesn't understand why gas prices are skyrocketing? She might cut her boyfriend's dick off and throw it in a CuisinArt juicer. What a hot tempered little twat. She'll be 6 times divorced by the time she's 28. The upside here is that that kind of rage is usually accompanied by an equal amount of passion, aka she's probly an absolute honey-badger in the sack.

Mike Iaconelli: Most Excited Fisherman Of All Time

2012-02-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm opening a can of worms here, but fishing sucks for most of us. You sit there like a giant asshole for 4 hours at the crack of dawn with the possibility of going home with nothing but a sunburn and a chapped ass. But for Mike Iaconelli, catching this fresh water bass was bascially better than getting back to back to back blowjobs from Kate Upton, Ginger Spice in her prime, and Wonderwoman.

I haven't seen this kind of unbridled enthusiasm since I opened my lunchbox in 4th grade to find out that my mother had accidentally packed TWO handi-snacks. I ate one and traded the other to Kelly Spicoli for an over-the-shirt tit grab. This fish isn't even that impressive. Did I miss something here? Judging by his fucking excitement level, I thought he was reelin' in like a 600 pound professional accordion player Tuna fish with Mozart's haircut and Angelina Jolie's lips coughing up 100 dollar bills into the boat. When I saw this shitty little fresh water nugget on the hook I was absolutely shocked. What the hell was the grand prize in this tournament that got this bastard so amped up, 3 trillion dollars and a clothing optional cuddle session with Whitney Houston's dead body*?

*sure it sounds gross, but everyone knows that would make an epic Facebook profile picture.

Japanese Zoo Keepers Practice Rhino Escape Drills And It's Very Ridiculous

2012-02-10T09:10:00.001-08:00

Sorry I'm not sorry for the indulgent word play but if a full grown rhinoceros escapes your zoo, you've got more problems than you can shake a stick at.

This is basically like one of those NASA flight simulators. No matter how many times you practice your mission in a controlled environment nothing at all prepares you for actually going to SPACE. Same principal applies here. These zookeepers can stage a rhino evasion til' the cows come home but if one of those bad larry's actually fucking breaks loose they are all monumentally fucked. Rhinos weigh what, like 7,000 pounds? And have the strength of 60 deadlifting Mr. Universes with a horn that could put a wrecking ball sized hole in stone wall even at medium speed. Their shitty paper mache rhino is moving slower than a DMV line and is about as powerful as a dead battery.

Isn't it time to break out the heavy artillery. Hand grenades, bazookas, bushels of dynamite. Why the fuck are they tapping yardsticks at its feet? Threatening to break one it's fingernails? That's how you subdue a rhino, ruin his manicure? This is by far the most outlandish animal escape drill of all time. If a rhino escapes and I'm anywhere within a 4 block radius I'm putting a shotgun in my mouth and just getting it over with, because it's fucking doomsday. Put the broomsticks down and start scheduling your wake.

P.S. Why are they even practicing with a rhino. Aren't drills supposed to prepare for the "worst case scenario? What happens if a lion cuts loose? Break out the squirt guns and the silly string, let's take this big kitty down baby!

Trainer Diddles 14 Year Old Boy, Goes To Jail For A Long Ass Time

2012-02-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

ST. GEORGE – A personal fitness trainer convicted of sexually abusing a 14-year-old boy she worked with during 2008 and 2009 was sentenced to a minimum of one and maximum of 15 years in prison Tuesday during a hearing in 5th District Court. Suni Faith Andersen, 36, of St. George pleaded guilty in November to two counts of forcible sexual abuse as part of a plea agreement. “I have to walk through the halls of my high school knowing that people know what happened, wondering what they’re thinking,” the boy told Judge Eric Ludlow. The boy said some girls have wanted to date him because he is “experienced” and when other boys have questions about sexuality they say “just ask (him),” he said.

I know a lot of people are thinking this kid is just a giant puss bag who can't appreciate the high school popularity that this hideous lagoon creature bestowed upon him by raping the shit out of him but I sympathize with you little buddy, I really do. I mean sure, he's the man at school right now, but look at the flip side, if you don't want someone to fuck you then you don't want someone to fuck you. It's that plain and simple. That has to be absolutely infuriating. Like I've had some stage 5 swamp donkeys try to put the moves on me before and "No" just doesnt seem to be in their vocabulary. It's so goddamn frustrating.

"You wanna take this upstairs?"

"No."

"Come on daddy, let's get naked."

"No."

"Why not, you don't think I'm pretty?"

"Not even close."

"But I thought you were drunk."

"Not drunk enough."

I mean this bitch looks like a platinum blonde rattelsnake. She couldn't be scarier if she had fucking fangs and a flamethrower. Her pussy's like an old junkyard, beat up jalopi's all over the place, chain link fences, barbed wire on her taint, a guard dog by the name "Sparta". If she tried to touch me my dick would retreat into my stomach immediately. This kid didn't feel like havin' sex, especially with some tired old personal trainer who hails from the depths of hell. It's not that he wanted his first time to be special, I just think he wanted it to be with a female.

Drexel LSD Distribution Ring Busted Big Time

2012-02-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

DREXEL - Authorities have charged five people, including two Drexel University students, in connection with a profitable LSD-distribution ring that operated out of a West Philadelphia home near the school’s campus. In the early morning hours Tuesday, authorities who raided the house on the 4800 block of Florence Street found 9,500 hits of acid, worth about $28,000 on the street, as well as about $10,000 in cash. Police said the alleged dealers were clearing a total of $5,000 to $15,000 weekly by selling acid for $10 to $30 per hit, often on paper printed with colorful images of Homer Simpson, SpongeBob SquarePants, and the Kool-Aid Man.

The undoubtedly gay love child of Ronald McDonald and pretty much any character from the Lion King.

Syphilis personified. This guy turned to drug distribution as a last resort career alternative after being kicked off the Enterprise during the 3rd Season of Star Trek.

Dane Cook's organic-tofu-eating hippie twin brother.

These three assholes are absolutely priceless. When I close my eyes and imagine a crackhead loon, these overachievers are exactly what I envision. I don't know much about LSD so I fuckin' wiki'd that shit. First thing that caught my eye: LSD is most commonly used as a "recreational drug". NOOOOOO SHHHIIITTTT. You don't say?!?! Get outttttta town!? I thought it was often used in the medical world as an antihistamine.

"Dr., my allergies are flaring up like a bastard."

"Here's a five refill prescription for medical acid. 4 hits a day should suffice."

I wonder if these guys were actually on the stuff when the cops came. Getting raided has to be the worst trip of all time. They just see 15 brown cows barreling through the door holding machine guns and loudly mooing orders at them. It's not like the cops could have had that hard a time detaining these sons of bitches. Call me a shithead, but I don't think LSD users are putting up too much of a scrap while getting cuffed. I bet they are the easiest people to arrest of all time. Like easier than babies. I guarantee at least 4 of them had their thumb in their mouth before the door even opened. Maybe one tried to make an escape but instead of going out the back door, he tried to climb through the toaster into another dimension where ponies wear zebra print tunics and attic mice sing you to sleep with Jordin Sparks smash hits. LSD is a hell of a drug.

Most Frustrating Spelling Bee Punk Of All time

2012-01-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

I know this video is kind of old but that doesn't mean it's not getting funnier each time I watch it.

Pulling any information at all out of this kid must be enough to drive someone to drink. Simple questions must turn into infuriating hour long conversations.

"Max, what do you feel like having for dinner?"

"Please repeat the question."

"Oh come on, don't start this shit again man. Dinner. What do you want?"

"Dimmer?"

"Dinner."

"Dingy?"

"Dinner!!!"

"Dental Care?"

"I'm gonna fucking punch you, dude."

"Punch. A drink made with fruit juices, soda, spices, and sometimes liquor, typically served in small cups from a large bowl?"

"No, punch, as in make a fist, throw it in the general direction of your football shaped head, and knock you into next fucking Tuesday. Punch."

I don't know how the goddamn lady reading him the word doesn't throw her hair in a pony tail, take her glasses off, slip into her favorite pair of brass knuckles, charge the stage and serve this kid a cold knuckle sandwich on wheat. Do his parents just throw on hard hats and get into full blown jackhammer fights everynight in the kitchen while he's trying to fall asleep in the next room? There's absolutely no other conceivable explanation as to why he has the hearing of a 90 year old heavy metal drummer.

Girl Survives Solely on Chicken McNuggets - Will Probably Die Soon

2012-01-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

Daily Mail – A teenage girl who has eaten almost nothing else apart from chicken nuggets for 15 years has been warned by doctors that the junk food is killing her. Stacey Irvine, 17, has been hooked on the treats since her mother bought her some at a McDonald’s restaurant when she was two. Shocked doctors learned of her habit when the factory worker, from Castle Vale, Birmingham, collapsed and was taken to hospital after struggling to breathe. Miss Irvine, who has never eaten fruit or vegetables, had swollen veins in her tongue and was found to have anaemia. Medics gave her a series of injections and started her on an urgent course of vitamins. But, despite being warned that she could die if she sticks to her nugget addiction, she still can’t resist the fast food. Miss Irvine, who prefers McDonald’s treats but also enjoys KFC’s, told The Sun: ‘I am starting to realise this is really bad for me.’ One of her favourite pastimes is sharing 20 nuggets and a portion of fries with her boyfriend.

The grim reaper is emptying out a cubby hole for this bitch as we speak. 100% she'll be dead in a month. How she hasn't died already is absolutely beyond me. I mean, it's normal to walk into a Dunkin' Donuts every morning and have the staff know your order before you even open your mouth because it's COFFEE and you get it everyday like every other warm blooded citizen. But to walk into a Mickey D's and have Domingo the two toothed nugget shoveler have your 9 piece ready for you out of straight habit is profoundly fucked up. At this point that's gotta be part of the staff's opening side work when they get in in the morning. Wipe the counters, Mop the floors, spit in the mayonnaise bucket and fire up Stacy Irvine's hot and tasty nuggie breakfast.

I love how her "favorite pastime" is splitting a 20 piece with her boyfriend. Some people enjoy quilting, the outdoors, training for tri-athalons, taking night classes or collecting bugs, but nope! Not Stacey, she likes nothing more than stuffing her face with the lions share of almost 2 dozen fake pieces of chicken with the man of her dreams. The kid is probably a vegan who thought this chick was hot and got in way over his head when things moved too fast too soon. Now he's ignoring his dietary restrictions and choking down nuggets just to have something in common with this girl so he can keep bangin' her. The things we do for a good old fashioned hummer.

P.S. Why the hell isn't Stacey 900 pounds of pure fat cells and goo? I eat mcnuggets like once every two years and I'm still fundamentally out of shape. Sure, her arms are scud missiles, but the rest of her seems to be fairly healthy...Oh, other than the fact that she's dying.

Huge Group Of Girls Music Video

2012-01-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

It's true, girls travel in packs like wolves. The only difference is they don't attack at the neck, they attack at the cock and then wake up and blame it on the fact that think someone must have "slipped something in in their drink last night."

By Far The Worst Church Singer In History

2012-01-24T10:39:00.000-08:00

THE BALLS ON THIS GUY! He actually walks into a place of worship, claims to be fucking "famous", and proceeds to make Alvin and the Chipmunks look like Mariah Carey in her goddamn hay day. He sounds like Thomas The Train getting his caboose hole plugged with a fistful of pencils. I can't imagine there was anyone left in the crowd after his tune was finished. I haven't been to church in a dog's age but I guaran-goddamn-tee every single person who was present for this debacle switched parishes the very next day. Priests just straight up dropping out of the Clergy and pursuing a career where there was no possibility of ever bumping into this guy again.

"Father Tim, I didn't haven't seen you at mass in weeks. How have you been?"

"It's actually not "Father" anymore I work at a Coldstone Creamery in Budapest. I'm just in town to pickup the rest of my things. After Clay Aiken's creepy uncle maimed my eardrums I lost complete faith in religion."

Big Lou's A Little Pumped That The Giants Are Goin To The Superbowl

2012-01-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

Big Lou's reaction to Lawrence Tynes's NFC Championship game winning field goal is fucking amazing. I don't know what the hell kind of man cave he's created in his house with white bed sheets dangling from the walls. I imagine it's his feeble attempt at "soundproofing" the place after his wife told him to keep it down or go watch the goddamn game somewhere else.

"Dad don't you think we need to throw up some insulation and maybe a little sheetrock. It feels like we're half-assing it here."

"No way, buddy. Fuckin' bed sheet will be fine. Have a little fuckin' faith in your old man will ya. Couple bed sheets on the wall and you won't even be able to hear a nuke detonate in this bitch. Fuckin' balls! Fuckin' soundproofin' rooms is the balls!"

If I was Sweet Lou's neighbor I would have an appointment on the books this week to get my ears surgically removed form my head because come Superbowl Sunday it's gonna be like listening to an audio cassette of an emu rape in Dolby surround sound.