The Crazy Lives of Consultants

Cardboard: not for the homeless anymore

noreply@blogger.com (BlackFerrari007) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 01:24:00 +0000

i helped a client relocate to their new office space this week. the new workspace design is very cool and futuristic with an open feel and low cube walls. most people i spoke with loved the space, except for this guy:

me: hi there! (smile) welcome to your new office space. is there anything i can do to make your transition easier?
him: uuuuh, yea. i don't like my new cube.
me: oh, really? what don't you like about it?
him: the walls are too low.
me: yes, those are designed that way on purpose to encourage peer-to-peer collaboration and teamwork. (smile)
him: can i put cardboard on top of the walls to add another foot or two?
me: no (deadpan)

Office Annoyances and Jargon - Top 10

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:05:00 +0000

The top 10 lists are in, and here they are!

LONDON (Reuters) - Grumpy colleagues, slow computers and office jargon are the things that annoy workers most, according to a survey on Wednesday.

Office Annoyances:

Grumpy or moody colleagues (37 percent)
Slow computers (36)
Small talk/gossip in the office (19)
The use of office jargon or management-speak (18)
People speaking loudly on the phone (18)
Too much health and safety in the work place (16)
Poor toilet etiquette (16)
People not turning up for meetings on time or at all (16)
People not tidying up after themselves in the kitchen (15)
Too cold/ cold air conditioning (15)

The most annoying jargon:

1. Thinking outside the box (21 percent)
2. Let's touch base (20)
3. Blue sky thinking (19)
4. Blamestorming (16) (sitting down and working out whose fault something is)
5. Drill down to a more granular level (15) (Look into something in more detail)
6. Let's not throw pies in the dark (15) (we need a plan rather than a haphazard approach)
7. I've got that on my radar (13)
8. Push the envelope (12)
9. Bring your A-game (11) (Be ready to do something to best of ability)
10. Get all your ducks in a row (11)

is it just me...

noreply@blogger.com (BlackFerrari007) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 01:38:00 +0000

or have some of our clients become completely unprofessional? recalling a convo i had with a client, i was gently delivering some less-than-stellar news on how "some" of his policies weren't being adhered to. he angrily retorted, "well, heads are gonna roll, i assure you! heads are going to ROLL!!!". he quickly turned back around to his computer. um...are you serious!!!??? i mean, who really talks like that? i was embarrassed not only for him, but his brand and his company. tisk, tisk.

You know your seatmate is going to be bad when...

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:39:00 +0000

Signs that the guy sitting next to you on the plane / train / bus / carriage / mule / elephant / etc. is going to ruin your trip:

1) he sits down and kicks off his shoes
2) he gets on a very loud cell phone call where he advises his friend to cheat on his wife, and offers to bail the friend out of jail if needed
3) he puts on his headphones and starts bouncing in his seat, enjoying the music.
4) ...then he starts playing air guitar and air drums
5) then he sneezes into his hand, rubs his hands together, and goes back to typing on his laptop

I think I need an upgrade...

Have I been at this client too long?

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:37:00 +0000

Another consultant from my Firm was in a meeting with a department that I've never worked with. When a question came up about my area of expertise, the client in the other department told my colleague that the best point of contact would be ... me.

My colleague said, "that's funny, we have a consultant with the same name as that!"
The other client said, "no no, he's definitely an employee here. I'm sure of it."

(Sigh)

A Fix for Annoying Passengers

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:01:00 +0000

Next time you get on a plane flight or a long bus ride and the guy next to you is an a-hole or the lady won't keep her kids from kicking your back, follow the instructions below...

1. Remove your laptop from your briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven;
7. Take a deep breath and open the site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

Casual Day

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:44:00 +0000

I know, I know. Fridays are casual days at my client. Jeans and denim are not allowed, but tolerated. Sneakers... that too. But there are fashion choices that should never happen:

People - please: belly shirts are never okay in the workplace.

There. I said it.

Word up!

noreply@blogger.com (BlackFerrari007) — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:57:00 +0000

Dear Travel God,
Hi. It’s me. Listen, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately, especially given Monday’s flight cancellation and subsequent 4 hour delay in Dallas, as well as last week’s hellish commute to Sayre, PA (why, again, did you allow people to live so far away?). But after a good week in NY and a couple first-class upgrades, I wanted to express my gratitude to you. I know in the past I’ve cursed you when you’ve sat me in between two fatties. I’ve cursed you at flight delays and cancellations. I’ve even cursed you for weather mishaps, which we both know are the responsibility of the Weather God (sorry about the misdirected anger). Well, as you now know, I upgraded to first. Even you would admit getting upgraded from Newark to Dallas would take a miracle. You finally answered my prayer (I guess it takes a few hundred of them, eh?!)! Not only that…I had the privilege of sitting next to someone my own size! SCORE!!! AND, get this, she slept the entire time. No chatty Kathys on this flight!

Oh yeah, thank you for the great first-class meal, too. As you know, I’ve been a non-beef eater for the past 10 years. The salad they offered to us was topped with grilled steak (it was either that or the po’ boy chicken and cheese sandwich…um…hello!!! That’s like a pound of fat right there!). Anyhow, although I was disappointed in the selections, I decided to “try” the steak salad. Even though it tasted like the fake veggie burgers I usually eat, it was pretty good for an air meal. And you know me, Travel God. I’m pretty picky.

So anyhow, just a quick note of gratitude about the upgrade I never normally get, a great salad that I normally would never have eaten, and a seat mate that was a skinny non-talker for a change. You’re the best, Travel God!

Consulting Apocalypse?

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:32:00 +0000

What is the sign of the apocalypse in a consultant's world?

Layoffs - no, that's just every tuesday and thursday
Cutbacks - nope, that's just the end of each quarter
Moaning and complaining - nope, that's just Monday (and Tuesday, and...)

Here is the sign:

I'm standing in my client's office and an executive walks in. He looks at me, pats me on the shoulder and says, "...you might be a consultant, but we still like having you around.".

Make peace with your Maker. The Executives like their Consultants.

A few of my favorite things...

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:19:00 +0000

As I was waiting in line for watery coffee at my client's cafeteria, I started thinking of all the reasons that I like consulting. I hit on a few things that have remained my favorites over the years... they are:

1) watching those luggage cart trains speeding across the airport tarmac
2) getting free watery coffee at my client's offices
3) boarding my flight ahead of the common people
4) hotel upgrades
5) airline upgrades
6) eating out without having to pay for it
7) new laptop every 2, er, 3, um, 4, ah... 5 years
8) conferences in warm places
9) being able to repeat the airline safety speech verbatim for 3 aircraft and 2 airlines
10) the enduring love and respect of my clients

...oh yeah, and the intellectually stimulating challenge of staying on the cutting edge of my business knowledge.

Resource Management

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:33:00 +0000

Yeah yeah, I know. A consultant takes your watch and tells you what time it is.

So there I was today, handing my client a pre-proposal for some new work. I realized that I prepared and printed it on their equipment, using their supplies, and then handed it to them.

Where else does this happen?

The Perils of Printer Toner

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:43:00 +0000

I am not making this up.

This is an actual email chain that went around the client site today.

A little background:
Yesterday, there was a small crisis here at the client site. The printer/copy machine, which is quite large and looks rather like a new-age space shuttle, ran out of toner.

Now, we all have multiple printers loaded on our computers, but none of us really know where any of these other mystery printers are located. Thus, this toner issue was a large problem.

At most offices, the normal protocol in this situation would be to find the nearest admin and beg for help. In this bizarro universe, however, that is not the case. Here, if ANYTHING happens, like if a printer runs out of toner, if you need a new pen, or if you have to go to the bathroom, you have to "OPEN A TICKET." That's right. In the interest of organizational efficiency, nothing may be done here without "opening a ticket."

Now, of course, tickets are not easy to come by. They take time...and they're about as efficient as the DMV. Any good consultant would find a workaround to this issue in about 5 minutes. My good colleague Laurie did just that. Being the proactive c consultant that she is, she noticed that the printer was out of toner and decided to take action. Note - she did NOT open a ticket. For SHAME!
She went to the floor admin, Jerry, and asked what could be done about this problem. The floor admin, who is known to be about as friendly and helpful as an unevolved sloth, told her "I've TOLD you, Laurie. OPEN A TICKET."

Laurie didn't want to do that, so she went to another admin - who is slightly senior to Jerry. The senior admin sent the following email to Laurie, Laurie's boss, and the top client:

From: SENIOR ADMIN
Sent: Tuesday, March 03, 2009 12:37 PM
To: Jerry the Admin [C]; Laurie; Ron the Tech Guy; The Engagement Manager;
Cc: Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner
Importance: High

Laurie, "Engagement Manager" and "Client",

If you need assistance, please submit a ticket to the help desk. Below is the link and the number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. According to "The Boss", "Ron the Tech Guy" should not assist anyone if they do not submit a ticket.

Thank you for your cooperation.

______________________________

Thinking that this information could benefit a number of us, Laurie dutifully forwarded the above email to a few other consultants on the project:

From: Laurie
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:23 AM
To: Crazy Consultant and other Consultants
Cc: Jerry the Admin
Subject: FW: Printer TonerImportance: High

FYI…below is the process for any technology issues including toner issues.
THANKS!

(she included the Senior Admin's instructions)

_________________________
Outraged that Laurie didn't open a ticket, and just generally pissed about the message, Jerry the Admin responded to Laurie, the Engagement Manager, Laurie's Workstream Lead, and the Main Client:

From: Jerry the Admin
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:26 AM
To: Laurie, Engagement Manager, Workstream Lead, and Main Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner

Laurie- I do not understand why you would even need to put me on this email. Everyone on your To: list would have already received the email sent out on behalf of "THE BOSS" which stated the same information. So there is no new process, and no one except for yourself has come to me with this concern, unless they are trying to circumvent the system without doing a ticket. So for further emails please do not include me in your PROCESSES, as I have been with CLIENT X for nearly four years so I do understand the processes.

Thank You,
Jerry the Admin

__________________________________

The moral of the story: OPEN A TICKET if you want to avoid Admin Scorn.

Sorry Bill...I'd rather kiss my new boss.

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:28:00 +0000

This is way too funny not to post. The more you watch the funnier it gets!

Drills Gone Wild

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:41:00 +0000

Sent to us by an alert Consultant in Pittsburgh...

"When I was working in NY at CLIENT SITE X, I was working next to an individual who nearly had her foot drilled into while sitting at her desk. Apparently they were doing construction on the floor below and the drill broke through the floor above— directly under her foot! Fortunately the woman had good reflexes."

In Case You Need a Laugh...

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:03:00 +0000

… and I’m guessing we all do…

I would just like to report that moments ago, here at the client site, a rather odd thing transpired:

My colleague, another dutiful consultant, was quietly working at her desk,
When suddenly…

And I am not making this up…

The ceiling fell on her head.

What makes this even more entertaining is the fact that there were several GALLONS of water right above the destroyed ceiling tile.

So not only is the poor woman dirty from material that no doubt contains asbestos, but she (and her laptop) are now also quite wet.

You have to love government consulting.

Where is OSHA when you need it?

TOTALLY Random

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:57:00 +0000

Okay, Dilbert, you win...

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:08:00 +0000

Dilbert must stop.

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:04:00 +0000

Hitting too close to home...

No, really, Dilbert is not funny...

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:00:00 +0000

Dilbert is Not Funny

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:58:00 +0000

Consulting Moment of Zen

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:41:00 +0000

I can't resist.

I'm on a Continental Express Jet Flight (yes, the day after that accident). We are landing in a nasty crosswind. Just as the wheels are about to touch down a gust hits us, the wing dips slightly, we correct, get a little off center, touch down, straighten out, and taxi down the runway....

...when we pull up to the gate the Pilot comes on the PA and says, "...on your way off the plane tonight, please stick your head into the cockpit and give John a nice congratulations on a very tricky landing...".

No, I'm not making that up.

Yes, I did congratulate him.

No, they didn't give me the little wings that you pin on your shirt. Darn it.

Totally Random Thought of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:34:00 +0000

The fenders on my 2009 Toyota Camry rental are filled with black painted Styrofoam to deaden the rattling and squeaking sounds that come from this piece of crap with tires.

Consulting Moment of Zen

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:32:00 +0000

I'm in a meeting with my client. She says, "I need you to fly down to {insert name of random small city} tomorrow to get a handle on what's going on with the conversion.". I say, no problem, I'll grab an afternoon flight so we can lay out a plan in the morning.

My client says, "...you actually like traveling, don't you?".

Does that make me a bad person?

Just a consultant...

noreply@blogger.com (Consulting SME) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:25:00 +0000

So there I was, in my client's main lobby one morning because I had forgotten my ID badge. No big deal, just sign in and get a visitor badge for the day. I walk up, show my ID, and explain what happened. The security guard (from a 3d party company) looks me up and down, checks the computer, and says, "...hmm, I don't see you in here. Are you an employee?". I say no, a consultant. "Oh, a CONTRACTOR. ".

I bit my tongue to not say, "yeah, just like YOU.".

Why, I've never been so insulted.

Humph.

Coolness Meter & Client Interaction

noreply@blogger.com (Crazy Consultant) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:30:00 +0000

So I was with some colleagues, on the way back from a “group outing” to the ladies room, when we all ran into one of our more senior-level clients in the hallway. The woman is a little scary and more than a little crazy, but I actually kind of like her. She sees us and yells out “HEY!”

I yell back.
I have no shame.

She stops, looks at me, and randomly says “You know, I bet you used to be really cool, didn’t you? Like COOL.”

WHAAAT? HUH??

Horrified, I say “WHAT IS THIS “USED TO BE” CRAP???”

USED TO BE????

PAST TENSE???

Shit.
Now this is a problem. Apparently my problems are bigger than we originally thought.

Let it be known: I AM THE EPITOME OF COOL.

NOW…ALWAYS.