The Crazy Lives of Consultants

Working for a Narcissist (or What Have I Done?)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 14 Jan 2019 16:30:00 +0000

Not all bosses are great. Not all are good. Some are downright bad. This is a hard lesson I've been learning recently, having taken a job under an egomaniac narcissist that makes the guy in the White House look sane.

A few months ago, I accepted a new position with a smaller firm in my industry. Overall it's been a great move, since I'm able to do whatever I want all day long, which usually means making a big impact for my clients and getting lots of work done. I was already pretty well-known in my industry (thus the clever nom de guerre here) but now I'm able to really get my (real) name out there.

When I started at my new firm, I was thrilled to be given the leeway to take time to fly to conferences, present my work, and reap admiration far and wide. Hell, they even let me reschedule billable business and sales calls so I could fly to Vegas!

But then I noticed something off developing. The Big Boss started coming with me. And not just attending - he would stand at the side of the stage, then wrangle his way onto the panel, or jump into my conversations. This guy is nobody in my field, apart from a business manager, but here he was stepping in to introduce himself.

And not just give his name, either. "I'm this guy's big boss," he would say. "I took a big risk taking on a rock star like this, but I think you can see it paying off!" Nothing wrong, I suppose, but for the tone. Increasingly every conversation was about how smart he was and how well the firm was doing.

I started feeling like the ballplayer signed to a big contract to draw attention rather than to score points. And I guess I was.

It all came to a head recently on a trip to New York. The Big Boss emailed me, "pack your things for three days in the Big Apple!" Yeah that's how he talks. There was one hilarious element to the trip that I'll blog later, but this is about what happened when we landed.

So we cab it to Wall Street and go to the first Big Meeting. Big Boss introduces me as "my new guy, maybe you've heard of him" and we chat. But my alarm bells were ringing.

First issue: We're at Starbucks, not the 61st floor.

Second issue: We have no agenda, and this guy isn't a buyer.

Third issue: We don't discuss anything of importance.

Yeah, it's one of those meetings. Followed by six more that Tuesday. Followed by drinks (not steak) at the Bull and Bear with some old college roommate or something. Then another day of the same thing, but with less meetings. Then like two more coffees on Thursday before our flight home.

This wasn't a sales call. It wasn't even a business meeting. It was a metaphorical hand job for a narcissist showing off his new trophy.

Me.

United Air Lines: Five Lines, Two Lines, No Lines?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 07 Nov 2018 14:56:00 +0000

Although all airlines suck, you still have to pick one. So I picked United. I fly a lot so they pretend to treat me well (as long as it doesn't cost them anything).

All I really want is the "stealth luxury" of being left as un-molested as possible at the airport. That's why United 1K's like me board first and pick window seats: Get on, slide over, and leave me alone!

But then there is the question of boarding lines. How can United get us on the plane without having to stand among ... people?

A few years back, United implemented a five-line system, where each boarding pass had a numbered boarding group and a corresponding numbered lane at the gate. This took up a lot of room, but the hope was that it would avoid the scrum known as "boarding a plane in France".

Sadly, this did not work out as well as people like me hoped. Apparently people are too stupid to look at the big, bold, boxed number on their boarding pass and stand in the corresponding line. And these lines tended to spill out across the terminal, blocking annoying-electric-carts and business-people-with-somewhere-to-go with equal efficiency.

United's five-group system annoyed me for another reason: Group 1 was simply too big. Everyone in first, plus everyone with 1K or platinum status, is a lot of people. Add in the can't-read folks and those that thought the "priority boarding" benefit of the MileagePlus Explorer card meant Group 1, and I'm stuck in line trying not to breathe in the fumes of your tuna sandwich.

So now United has a new two-lane system. Lane 1 starts with Group 1 but then becomes "people in higher groups who missed their group being called". Lane 2 is every other group in order. And it kind of works, too, apart from the whole matching-the-numbers issue.

But the best part is pre-boarding for 1K's. Yeah that's right suckers, I can get on with the families full of baby strollers and military dudes with duffel bags!

Now if only they could figure out how to treat paid First Class passengers with some kind of decency.

When the Open Office is Closing In

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 14:36:00 +0000

Everyone has seen an "open plan office" setup. A bunch of my clients had them, especially Out West. I actually liked the look, minus the dogs and yoga balls, but I hadn't really worked in one until now.

Open plan offices suck.

In an open office, everyone can smell your food or be offended by your body odor. Everyone can see what your high school buddies post on Facebook and wonder if you're like that too. Everyone literally notices when you get up to get a snack or go to the can.

So no one gets anything done. I spend literally hours a day looking around to see who else is peeking over my shoulder. I got a convex mirror for my monitor as swag and actually taped it to my monitor. Logo and all. I know, right?

One of the guys in the office eats a lot of fish and chili. Sometimes he eats them together. I swear. Go to the "cafe" if you're going to do that! And then there's Ms. Vegan who always has to cast side-eye at the cheese on my sandwich or my god damn gummy bears. I guess I should go to the cage too.

And open plan offices are silent as the grave. No one is willing to take a call with another person sitting 24 inches from them out in the open. They'd gab all day if there was a felt and steel half-wall there, but they won't even say good-freaking-morning out in the open like that. Someone might spit at you or something!

Cubes suck too, but not as much as I thought. I guess I'll go to Panera to take this call. Who wants some bagged soup?

Small Firms, Big Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 05 Nov 2018 14:19:00 +0000

The first thing you notice when you move to a smaller firm is how much more freedom everyone has. No process, no approvals, no problems, right?

After a while, you start noticing how much more personality everyone has. She does everything but gripes constantly; he does nothing and no one seems to care. I would say that everyone is writing their own job description, but that's not true because no one even has a job description.

It's a free-for-all. If you do something, it becomes your job. If you don't do it, someone else has to pick it up.

You'd think that everyone being slammed with various tasks would lead to them all pushing back when someone doesn't do their work. But no! They're all so worried about losing someone (and thus having even more work piled on) they just suck it up and figure out how to pick up the pieces. Everyone basically just does whatever the hell they want to get by.

This is probably ok for the B and C players out there, since they can just coast by and hope the money never runs out, but it sucks for those of us who actually get shit done. I'm picking up work from Mr. Foot Shuffler (seriously, dude, pick up your damn feet when you walk!), Eeyore (yeah, I get that you're unhappy, thanks for sharing!), Forget-Me-Now (we just talked about this!), and even Ms. In-Charge (isn't it your job to manage these people?)

But still, it was a good move. I was suffocated at The Big Firm and was never going to get ahead with this attitude. I'll probably be running this place by next year. So what's to complain about?

Oh yeah. The clients. But that's a story for a different day.

Tears in the Rain: From Architecture to Marketecture?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 02 Nov 2018 12:59:00 +0000

I've been a little quiet lately because I've shifted my focus a bit. New firm, new focus. AKA different day, same old shit. It took me a little while to get settled in but now that the polish has worn off my new shoes I'm ready to start complaining again. Are you with me?

So this is my first time around startups instead of big firms. But even so, I think readers of the Crazy Lives will recognize relevance in what's happening here. I'm still consulting, it's just now I'm consulting on marketing to people like me instead of saying no to people marketing to me. Oh what fun!

I feel like I've gone to the dark side sometimes. Other times I feel like it's the smart side. But we're talking business and consulting here, so it's definitely the dumb side all around!

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe" and all that...

Anyway, welcome! Let's ~~explore~~ ~~exploit~~ mock this new world together! You can find me on Twitter, too, as @No_EPO, a reference no one seems to get.

United Breaks Noses: A Counter-Argument

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 16:00:00 +0000

We've all heard the story by now: United is cruel, because they body-shamed some little girls over their leggings. United is vicious because they beat up some old guy and dragged him off the plane. And American is just as awful because they almost punched a baby and took away his mommy's stroller. Oh, what a world!

Since I fly a lot, my friends and family have been quick to ask my opinion on these issues. Since I fly United, they seem to want me to declare "no mas" and switch to Southwest or something.

They've been surprised by my reaction.

The Facebook class has these bullshit social media sensation stories exactly backwards. Each is a story of a passenger behaving badly and the (admittedly deplorable) treatment they got in return from the beleaguered employees of once-proud businesses brought low by mass consumerism.

Frequent fliers know of, and respect, United's non-revenue passenger dress code. Those girls were flying non-rev and dressed against the code. I only wish United would turn away more of their paying passengers who dress inappropriately to be seen in public! At the very least, the airline should stick to their guns and forbid non-revs to dress like the rest of the animals on the plane.

It's telling that "legging-gate" only happened because another unrelated passenger blew the situation out of proportion with an ill-informed analysis of the situation. While smartphone cameras have brought much illumination to many deplorable situations, this wasn't another black guy getting beaten by police. It was a pair of privileged girls acting inappropriately while flying for free. Boo hoo.

Then there's that guy who was beaten and dragged off a flight. No one deserves to be beaten up by the cops, but there comes a time when we all must obey the rules. It was stupid for United to let everyone board and then ask passengers to give up their seats, but it's completely within the rules. In the grand scheme of things, "miss your flight" is barely even a first-world problem.

Yet this guy persisted, resisted, argued, and fought with the police when they came to get him. What planet are you from? Every day, passengers gripe and moan and complain about how the big, bad airlines treat them. But everyone should know that they must obey the orders of a flight attendant and a cop, at least in as far as those orders are the likes of "get off the plane". This really isn't a United story. It's a cops overreacting story. And that's barely even news these days.

Finally, I turn to the flight attendant who almost punched a baby while grabbing the stroller his mommy was bringing onboard the plane. Here's the thing: You can't bring a stroller on a plane. The gate agents inform people with strollers of this fact. There's a big pile of strollers off the plane right before you get on.

And he didn't punch a baby. He didn't even come close. If I had a dollar for every time I was almost punched I'd have a few, but yet I (amazingly) remain un-punched to this day. And yet American suspended the poor schlub anyway!

In all three cases, "do-gooders with phones" thought the best way to deal with a situation they didn't understand was to film it and share it. This is the real story: Everyone wants to be part of a social media sensation instead of stepping in to defuse a situation or even learn the basic facts.

And the airlines? They're just big horrible companies with poor customer service. Which we already knew.

Do Big 4 consultants have deep tech skill(s)?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 26 Jan 2016 02:42:00 +0000

I thought you all might enjoy reading this piece by Keith Townsend: Do Big 4 consultants have deep tech skill?

TL;DR: No (cf. Betteridge's law of headlines)

"In the end, the value of hiring a Big 4 management consultant is that you get a broad range of knowledge and the capability to answer tough business questions. A good adviser will help you ask the right questions and guide you to partners that can help create and implement detailed execution. I would not hire a Big 4 to deliver the technical portion of a project. I’d wouldn’t hesitate to engage them to help provide some rigor and oversight but not manage the actual execution."

It's always fun to hear what an ex-Big 4 consultant thinks of his old life. It's also fun to see him dance around what he really wants to say.

So are you saying I'll help you "ask the right questions" or "answer tough business questions?" I imagine it's going to be one of those two.

And as for hiring me to implement, I'm sorry, but I'm a consultant. We don't actually do what we propose.

Gold is the New Silver: How American Airlines is like Trojan and Starbucks

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 18:47:00 +0000

So American Airlines (née US Airways) just announced their 2015 elite program, and the travel bloggers are starting to exhale. It's not awful unless you flew more than 75k but less than 100k miles last year...

What strikes me about their new system is the elite levels: Gold, Platinum, and Executive Platinum. No Silver; you get Gold for only 25,000 miles flown. I guess they want their (in)frequent fliers to feel like those special folks over at United and Delta even though they had to fly 50,000 miles to get Gold!

This is such a fantastic consultant-like move, isn't it? Name the lowest "elite" level "Gold" and your frequent fliers will feel like they've accomplished something! They can wave their badge at those Unitards and Deltoids and say "see, I'm Gold too!"

And it's so Starbucks, so Trojan. There's no longer a "small"; there's just Great, Awesome, and Executive Awesome! At least there's no Blue...

What Business Travelers Want Most From Loyalty Programs: Stealthy Luxury

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 30 May 2014 21:28:00 +0000

I guess I sounded like a dick in my last post, torching “manufactured spend” and other stupidity while offering a rich white-guy toast. But I’m not going to backpedal. I’ve tasted the cocktail and I like it.

We’ve already established that airlines, hotels and the like really want people like me to expense our way through their wares. But they’ve had mixed success doing it, since they continue to pander to the wrong clientele with signing bonuses and airport terminal credit card hawkers.

So let’s talk about what paying business travelers like me really want.

More than anything else, we want stealthy luxury. The real 1% spends their own money and relishes luxury brands, but consultants like us still have expense accounts and client oversight. We need options that look mainstream but give secret benefits.

That’s why we like Uber, after all. It’s a first-class experience that fits our expense accounts!

Here are some examples of what I mean:

National Car Rental’s Emerald Club Executive level lets you choose virtually any car on the lot after reserving a midsize Corolla. This is what I’m talking about! I can request a National reservation from any admin or travel department yet roll in a real car. Don’t see what you want on the Executive Aisle? National has always let me pick anything within sight!
United offers Premier 1K and Global Services fliers instant upgrades on M-Class economy tickets at booking. These aren’t cheap and it’s just about impossible to finagle one from a wary travel agent, but if the client lets me book my own reservation online I always go this route.
Most airlines allow ranking frequent fliers to upgrade using certificates (once literal “stickers”) to get out of the coach seat your company’s rules require.
TSA Pre-Check was fantastic when it was just us high-status frequent fliers, but it’s been diluted by that damn iPad app the TSA uses now.
Most hotels offer status-based floors and lounges, but they rarely keep the riffraff out in practice.
Credit cards like the American Express Platinum offer airport lounge access regardless of ticket class. But this benefit is rapidly evaporating.

There are many more stealth upgrades, but all share a common theme: Book a mainstream thing and get a nicer thing.

I’d love to see this practice spread throughout the business economy. Here are some ideas:

Hotels should offer programs to “walk” elite guests to nicer properties. My company could book me into the Courtyard but the chain could let me stay at the Marriott instead, just like a first class upgrade on a flight.
Car rental companies should offer post-reservation but pre-arrival upgrades and should pick me up and drop me off at the terminal like Silvercar or Enterprise (but without the smarminess).
Hotel elite floors should offer real upgrades and amenities, and they should be guaranteed. I rarely get a room the elite floor and even more rarely see any difference. Seriously, what's the point?
Ritzy hotel chains should add some business-friendly booking options. Let me “upgrade” even if I have to partially pay out of pocket. I’d love to switch to the Hyatt or Fairmont but my clients would balk. But they wouldn’t object to a market-rate room expense.
Airport lounges should have good food and real booze and should offer a ride to the gate. Otherwise it's pointless for people like me to go to the lounge. I’m sneering at you, United!
Give me a credit card with real benefits. Everyone knows the concierge service is worthless and “Priority Pass Select” is bogus. Throw in some of these perks and I’ll gladly pay a $500 annual fee and shift tens of thousands in expenses your way.

What do you think? What stealth luxuries could hotel chains offer you?

Manufactured Spend and Other Stupid Games, or, "I’ve Got A Real Job"

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 19 May 2014 21:35:00 +0000

Constant business travelers like me spend lots of time studying the nuances of “loyalty” programs. We make sure we maximize our airline and hotel status, we have a wallet full of credit cards, and we pick our travel providers accordingly. For us, it’s all about minimizing the horrors of travel.

But there’s a whole other world of loony points fiends with quite a different perspective. They’re in the programs to earn rewards and they’ll go to extremes to do it. They book everything through online portals to maximize points, they churn through credit cards for the signup bonuses, and they’ll go to extremes to “manufacture” spending.

I read lots of travel blogs to keep on top of programs. I do this mainly to keep on top of the latest developments (it’s important for me to know what will happen to their programs when American and US Airways merge, for example) and indeed a bit to learn about rewards opportunities. When I started staying at more Hilton properties, I relied on Gary Leff’s advice to suggest which new credit card to sign up for, and the constant barrage of Hyatt/MGM Resorts coverage encourages me to swing their way if only to ease my thankfully-rare trips to Vegas.

But about half of what I read on these blogs is a complete waste of time for me. To wit:

It seems like most of these folks spent 2013 buying “Vanilla Reload” cards at Staples to get 5% back from the churn. But I can think of lots of easier ways to earn $50 to $100. After all, I have a job.
Now The Miles Professor is buying PayPal cards at CVS and carefully churning those to earn “$300-$400 per hour”. But at only one $400 hour per 30 days, that’s not much of a payday, is it?
Leff and others breathlessly exhort folks to sign up for small business credit cards just for the signing bonuses. But airlines and hotels are aggressively devaluing their points and raising redemption rates. And not even Kim Kardashian’s entourage wants a free reward ticket!

Let me reiterate: I have a job. I spend over $100k annually on actual plane tickets, hotel rooms, rental cars, and business meals. To people like me, jumping through hoops to manufacture a few thousand dollars of “spend” in order to earn a free ticket or hotel room is a complete waste of time.

I want benefits. I want to be greeted by name when I return to the same hotel 10 times per year (a pox on the Hilton New York!) I want a whole floor of the Waldorf in Orlando that doesn’t allow kids. I want to sit in first every time, buying an M-class ticket on United so my client thinks it’s a coach seat.

Airlines and hotel chains would be wise to court folks like me and are wise to continue alienating the manufactured spend crowd. Go ahead and cry over your Vanilla Reloads. I’ll have another Manhattan.

Image credit: Awesome Brolly Usage! by Whatleydude

Bed and Breakfasts: Creative Accommodations On the Road or Nightmare on Elm Street?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 16:00:00 +0000

I stay at big chain hotels too often. I’m diamond in one program and platinum in another, so now I’m working towards gold in a third. But I’ve had a couple of co-workers choose a different route when they travel, and I’m curious what you all think of it.

“Bed and Breakfasts” are basically frilly little homes populated by the retired set. They let you sleep on the same kind of lumpy bed in the same kind of potpourri-scented room your parents keep for you in hopes you’ll stay with them over the holidays. And they include the same horrid home cooking and tedious conversation at breakfast. What more could I ask for?

But I’ve had a few fellow consultants heading to “B-b-B’s” lately, so I decided to ask why they would punish themselves like that. Here’s what they said:

Women like bed and breakfast accommodation because it removes them from the predatory world of business hotels. Apparently we men can get downright ugly after a week on the road and too many gin and tonics, making lewd comments, following women around the hotel, and generally being pigs. I get this. Grandma and grandpa are less threatening than Bob from Poughkeepsie. But hotels are also well-staffed, have on-site security, and lack the dark back porch and garden of your typical bed and breakfast. Give me drunken salesmen any day!

Some also said they save money by staying in informal lodging. I can understand this to an extent, especially now that I’ve got my own company, so every dollar spent at the Westin could have been saved towards my Tesla. Some even soak their per-diem, banking the extra hundreds rather than handing it over to the hotel. I imagine they’re the same people who eat lunch at Taco Bell in Midtown. Not me.

Finally, some tell me about the friendliness of the bed and breakfast environment. Can you imagine being excited to meet the retired couple with the RV and the grandma visiting her son in college? What a benefit!

Oh well. I’m not staying in a bed and breakfast. How about you?

Bates Motel image used for purposes of parody

Coke in the Lunch Room: Blurring Work and Private Life

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 16:00:00 +0000

Smart people will tell you to keep work and private life separate. And they’re right: Nothing good can come of your co-workers learning about your office affair, your clients learning about your binge drinking, or your boss learning about a gambling habit.

But it’s awfully hard for consultants, especially “on the road” types like me. I don’t magically appear at 8 and disappear at 5. I fly, eat, and often bunk up with my co-workers, spending more than half my life “on-site” with clients in distant cities. In this world, it’s inevitable that life will leak out.

Such was the case for an account rep (can’t say “salesman” anymore) I know. We had worked together “at home” a bit, but most of our interaction took place at the client site, the Marriott and Ruth’s Chris. This guy was usually hilarious, always telling a new story about risqué behavior right on the line of offensiveness.

But sometimes he wasn’t so funny. Sometimes he was downright bizarre. He would miss early-morning meetings and sometimes disappear before his creme brûlée arrived at the table. I assumed he was selling or schmoozing with someone more profitable than “the team” and let it slide.

Then I discovered the reality. We were in New York and somehow the rest of the group had vanished. A few went to bed early, resting up before 6 AM flights; others were local and headed home to their families.

He and I were spending some time yukking it up in a questionable cigar bar on the Lower East Side when a stranger knocked on the window, looking at us. He went gray, hopped up, and hurried outside to meet this bearded straggler, leaving his coat behind. After exchanging quite a few bills for a small package, he returned, staring me down.

“You can’t tell anyone,” he dared. Then he went on, without even a prod from me. “This is between us. Yeah, it’s coke. It’s just something I do. You won’t tell anyone. I can trust you.”

He could trust me. I wasn’t going to snitch. But things got weird after that. We spent a lot less time together, with him choosing to sit at the other end of the table and calling his own cab. Pretty soon he was dropped by the company in a semi-monthly cull of sales folk. I don’t think it had anything to do with the coke, but who can say?

Coca-Cola ad used for purposes of parody

Flaky Clients and Unfortunate Promises

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 16:00:00 +0000

Lots of clients are flaky, and it’s pretty common for folks like us to say whatever they want to hear just to get them to shut up. We often make promises we never mean to live up to, assuming they won’t be tested. So it’s no fun then these unfortunate client promises come home to roost.

A few months back, I had a quick phone call with a new prospect. The guy on the other end was excessively aggressive, making me question their buying power and his authority. Sometimes you can just sense it when the conversation changes from a client considering buying to a demonstration of his personal mojo.

He wanted in our schedule in April. Considering that was six months away, I decided to accept, even though I knew I would have real-money customers on the hook before then. After all, it was probably bluster and I didn’t want to call his bluff.

I followed up with an email, baiting him into making a real commitment. He didn’t reply, and I chalked him up to being a big-talker.

Then February rolled around. April was full to bursting when I happened to be on an unrelated phone call with Mr. Big. Of course, I had completely forgotten about my promise to him!

“How are things looking for April,” he asks.

“Oh, we’re busy, busy, busy as always,” I boast. “Completely booked up!”

“Yes, we’re ready to be part of that!”

Suddenly it’s The Princess Bride. “All but your four fastest ships,” Buttercup dubiously prompts…

Crap. I quickly search my email for any record of a previous conversation and there it is: A black-and-white promise of now-unavailable activity in April.

I knew what I had to do. “Yes, of course,” I reply. “I mean we’re booked up thanks to you!”

So I’m committed to making it work. I’ll rearrange April. Maybe I’ll bring on some temporary resources. Maybe I’ll let another project slip.

Then the transaction gets weird. “We’re actually not sure if we can do it,” he says after I’ve committed. “I need to check with the board. I’ll let you know in March.”

And there we are. I’ve over-committed my availability, I’m on the hook to deliver, and I can’t even plan on it happening! I did what I figured was best: Bet on his flaking out by still not reserving anything in the way of resources, all the while spending some internal capital on a “what if he comes through” plan with the team.

Know what I just heard last week? He flaked out.

Cadbury Flake photo by Evan-Amos used here for parody

Crazy Airline Gobbledegook Nonsense

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 22 Oct 2013 01:00:00 +0000

The airline business is like nothing on earth, and airline people are some of the most common interactions we consultants have. I thought I would take a minute to note some of the crazy words that come out of their mouths.

Note that I'm not talking about jargon - every field has special weird words for weird things. I'm talking about weird words for common things that didn't need renaming.

Weigh in in the comments if you've got more to add!

Aircraft - This is one of the most common words to escape from the lips of airline people. I counted it at least three dozen times in the safety video alone! But no one outside the airline industry says aircraft. To us normals, it's an airplane, a jet, or most likely just a plane.
Approach - No one is ever asked to "come over", "line up" or "step up". No, at airports you approach people and things, implying that you'll never get there. And at airports, sometimes it seems like you never will! Can you imagine if this odd wording was adopted by society as a whole? Would you approach the counter at Burger King, a professor's office, or your own bed?
Beverage Service - "Welcome to Olive Garden! Your waitress will be here shortly with the beverage service!" Never gonna happen.
Nautical terms - "Ahoy there, matey! Welcome aboard the pirate ship, Southwest Airlines Flight 123! I be the captain and this be my crew!" I suppose this one is debatable, since crew is used to describe the staff of any vessel (in the air, on the water, under the sea, or even in space) but it's such an odd historical link between ocean liners and aircraft (there I go). Why didn't they adopt rail terminology instead? Wouldn't it be cool to have a conductor and an engineer on an air-coach?
Fly (as a verb) - This is pretty widely adopted in society as a whole, but it's another oddity. I have often been thanked for "flying Delta", but I'm pretty sure I didn't actually do any of the flying. I just got on board to eat peanuts and drink beer with the other passengers. Why not just call it travel? But that's not quite as sexy as flying, is it?
Onboarding and Deplaning - You aren't just getting on a plane, or even boarding, now you're "onboarding the aircraft!" Talk about needless doublespeak! And yet I've never heard anyone refer to offboarding. No, that's deplaning! But let's stick to onboarding for a minute: Isn't it fun that this pretentious, obnoxious word is shared by the loathed corporate critters in HR?
Operations - Another ridiculously common term inside aviation that has little meaning out in the real world is operations. The only normals who need to learn this term are us frequent fliers, since irregular operations (abbreviated IrrOps) is such a common occurrence.
Rollerboards - This is so common it's becoming a real word! I have to assume the adjectival phrase "roll-aboard" (as in luggage) became a noun before the eggcorn effect took hold. Now they're rollerboards, which sounds like a questionable interrogation tactic! But they're still too big for commuter jets.
Passive Voice - In a world full of rules, it pays to be passive. "That needs to be turned off" deflects obvious questions better than "I have no idea why I'm demanding that you turn off your computer, but I think some law says that you have to." Airline personnel have mastered passive voice!
Podium - For some reason, that thing the gate agent stands behind isn't a counter (that's where the ticketing agent stands), a desk, a table, or a lectern (the proper term) but a podium. Even though they're never raised off the ground. Oh well.
Product - MBA-ization comes to the airline industry! The act of flying your corpse to Des Moines is now referred to as "the product", as is (presumably) carrying the mail and the literal corpses in the cargo hold. Which is humorous, since the actual profitable product is pushing branded credit cards.

What are your favorite examples of airline doublespeak? Or am I just being a prick? Sound off in the comments!

Photo by MarkNye

Consulting Mad Libs

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 21:33:00 +0000

Ever notice the eerie similarity of consulting deliverables to Mad Libs?

It seems that as a firm gets more "mature" (in the procedure sense) all of its output becomes a massive game of "fill in the blanks." Just like Mad Libs. Need a deliverable for a small backwoods paper company? Fill in the blanks. How about a Wall Street financial? Same deliverable; just fill it in.

Oh, sure, firms like to pretend they're not doing this. "All of our deliverables are bespoke," quoth the faux Brit. "We wouldn't dream of passing off some former consultant's work for some other company as yours! Your problems are so unique and engaging, after all!"

But it's simply not true. The more I crash the conference rooms and cubes of companies all over this big world, the more I realize that everyone is just as screwed up as everyone else, and usually in the same way. I bet I could literally "global search and replace" the company name on my last deliverable for my next gig and it would be 90% of the way done. In fact, I bet I just did!

And it's not just us consultants who are doing this. I just took a gander at some legal papers (thankfully I'm not getting served this time!) and lo and behold it's an obvious paste-up. Change the names and addresses, update the property listing, and you're good to go. And just like my deliverables, the bulk of "the doc" is a standard set of appendices unabashedly attached. I bet they didn't spend more than an hour constructing this nuclear bomb!

Don't get me wrong. This isn't really a bad thing. Would you really prefer a totally-from-scratch document? Don't you think the Mad Libs approach is the best possible way to avoid omission and undesirable creativity? Let's just come clean. It's Mad Libs all the way down.

Note: The Mat Libs logo is used for illustration and parody. They don't endorse this blog, no way, no how. If you're not familiar with Mad Libs, check out their site. They're awesome!

What Your Drink Says About You (And Your Client)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 16:04:00 +0000

Aah, cocktails! The time-honored way to unwind while simultaneously "entertaining" clients! Even the IRS allows you to deduct half the cost!

But what does a cocktail choice say about the drinker? Here lies a minefield for consultants!

If your client orders beer, you must not order booze. Get a Sam Adams. It's normal enough that everyone carries it, you won't seem weird or stuck up or snobby, and it's not terrible. You can alternatively buy a Yuengling in the Northeast, a Molson Canadian in Canada, an Anchor Steam in California or a Shiner Bock in Texas.

If your client orders a Crown and Coke, he's from Texas. Suck it up and drink one, too.

If your client orders a goofy flavored martini, humor her and get a gin and tonic. She doesn't like booze and doesn't want you to get all snobby on her. Order something "weird" and you've lost a client.

If your client orders a gin and tonic, call for Hendrick's. He or she will thank you, and you won't feel like a fool ordering one too.

If your client orders single-malt Scotch, you should call for 14 or 15 year Glenfiddich whether you like it or not. It's not crazy expensive, and he'll think it's a respectable and appropriate choice. Change the topic of conversation to cars or sports: You'll only make enemies discussing Scotch.

If your client orders a Cosmopolitan, you should order a Sidecar. She's clearly interested in tasty cocktails but doesn't know enough about them to order something awesome. If she tastes yours, she'll love it and love you for the introduction! If not, at least you don't look like a weirdo or a wino.

If your client orders a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned, go nuts. Get a gin martini or a negroni or start calling for top shelf liquor. Try something with Rye or sweet vermouth or egg white. This one's a keeper.

Wine is a topic for another post...

Image credit: Cocktail silliness by katypang

What is a "3-4-5 Consultant"?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 22 Jul 2013 15:21:00 +0000

There are many terms in consulting that just sort of seep through our consciousness without needing to be defined. But this kind of "consultantese" can mean trouble for newbies. So it is with "3-4-5", an important but opaque term of art in this industry. What does "3/4/5" mean to a consultant?

Put plainly, "3-4-5" means that, for each week you're working:

You'll spend 3 nights at hotels
You'll spend 4 days working at the client site
You'll spend the fifth day back at the office

In other words, a 3-4-5 consultant can be expected to be away from home for four days and three nights just about every week.

Usually, the "3-4-5" schedule looks like this:

Board a regional jet Monday at 5:30 AM for a flight to some lame city (Rochester? St. Louis? Frankfurt?), spend a long Monday at a boring office park, skip dinner, and get a late check in at the Hampton Inn (since that's the best they've got out there)
Listen to a bunch of dispirited B- and C-players complain about their life all day Tuesday and Wednesday at the client site, the Applebee's, and the "inn"
Pack up Thursday morning, skipping the waffles, and make an excuse to disappear at noon so you can fly back home before missing another night
Fill out expense reports and attend "team meetings" all day Friday

Metaphorically, however, "3-4-5" is a promise from the firm. It means they intend to achieve some mythical level of "work/life balance" by "allowing" you to be home more than half your nights. "We're the good guys," they'll claim during your interview. "Unlike those body shops, we give our consultants a 3/4/5 week, treating them like the professionals they are!"

The new hire hears this and immediately dreams up a "3-2-2" scheme, traveling all day Monday, eating at fancy restaurants and going out clubbing three nights, and heading home first thing Thursday before skipping the last day of work. Do not fall into this trap. This is not how it is!

In reality, "3-4-5" often devolves into "4-4-5" or even "5-5-5", since the client never agreed only to have you on-site four days. Plus, "we have a staff meeting first thing Monday, and where were you Thursday at 4:30 when we needed you?" I've known many consultants who fly on Sunday and Saturday, even!

So there you have it. An ideal "3-4-5" consultant spends three nights and four days on the road. Sometimes.

Crazy Crap on a Private Plane. Literally!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 21:10:00 +0000

From GSElevator comes this fantastic tale of life as a banker on a private jet roadshow. What happens when you party all night, scarf up too much breakfast, and hop on a bumpy business jet? The opposite of fireworks, that's what.

“Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don’t see a door?” I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, “Well, we don’t really have one per se.” At this point she reads my mind, or just couldn’t miss the fact that I looked like Alec Baldwin after a 3-day coke binge. She continues, “Technically, we have one, but it’s really just for emergencies. Don’t worry, we’re landing shortly anyway.”

Head on over to read "The Roadshow" and you'll not be sorry!

The toilet in this story looks like this one from Travis S on Flickr. Trust me, it is exactly as described in the story!

Consultants Do It Better Than Everyone (But Disney)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 16:41:00 +0000

Aah, vacation! When consultants get to kick back, relax, and spend some hotel points and airline miles. Ko Samui, here I come!

But, even on vacation, I just can't stop consulting! When all you do all day is criticize the crappy way everyone runs their business, vacation isn't all that relaxing. After all, the so-called "hospitality industry" is rife with nepotized C players, indolent idiots, and a slavish attention to all the wrong procedures.

Consider the average luxury resort stay:

You're greeted by that cesspool of tip-driven ne'er-do-wells, the parking valets. They'll step up and grab your bags (right out of your hand) to "earn" a tip, but can't be bothered to bring your car around in a timely manner. So you have to tip big to make sure you're marked as a big spender, worthy of attention and service.
Once inside, the well-dressed doorman will direct you to "reception" which, in modern times, has morphed into a disorganized set of high desks with no mechanism to keep the rabble organized. Even the elite desk is mobbed with barefoot rugrats and their parents asking where to get water park tickets.
Then there's the bellhop, who can't bring your luggage without you yet takes an hour to find your room. "Welcome to the resort! Now sit on your bed while our guy rummages through your bags and smashes the cart into the doors." I'd skip the porter, but then I'd get a reputation at the resort of the kind of guy who does his own laundry and eats at the buffet...
It's hilarious that "island time" has become a meme, but it's got no place at a luxury resort. Especially embossed on a plaque on the wall at the poolside bar. I don't want "island time" service, I want my damn drink!
Everything at the resort costs $100. Breakfast for two, drinks by the pool, spa services, a bottle of water, everything. You might as well just bring a stack of Benjamins and hand them to every employee you see. Except for dinner, which costs $100 per person even though it's about Olive Garden quality.
Your bill will be screwed up. They will charge you twice for dumb auditable things like overnight parking. How can they mess this kind of stuff up yet be able to force the maids to stuff four Kleenex into the box in the shape of a flower?

They could really use a consultant. But not me: It would ruin vacation if I knew just how much the resort management hates guests like me!

The only exception to all this is Disney. Those people are just fantastic. I think they must have management "secret shopping" the parks, noting where to add a water fountain and how to better train employees. Love it!

Photo credit: Fonsen

Consultantese: What's The Dollar Amount?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 19:25:00 +0000

Dollar Amount

Noun
Salesman-speak for the money part of a contract. Just hearing this phrase makes hookers and lap dancers raise their fee.

I seriously get the willies when I hear otherwise worthwhile consultants adopt BS phrases like this.

Bonus: Yeah, that's the same BS clipart from the NSA PRISM deck. Ain't the Internet grand?

The Most Disappointing Aspect of the NSA's PRISM Leak? That Crappy PowerPoint...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 13:30:00 +0000

So the NSA has spent millions to build a secret network to spy on users of the biggest Internet portals. They've got access to just about everything passing through major Internet access points, including perhaps the ability to break through the (default) encryption on many services.

America is reeling. The IT industry is reeling. And I'm in total shock.

I mean, LOOK AT THOSE CRAPPY POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS!

Some idiot chose to include the cost of the program as an aside inset in a timeline of the project? Seriously? And they illustrated it with some generic "stack of money" clipart? These people did not go to business school.

Then there's this timeline slide. This thing is a crime against humanity, the infamous "big green arrow with yellow bubbles" slide. Wait, isn't that the same data from the previous slide, just illustrated even more poorly? What the hell were they trying to say here that they didn't say there?

Oh, I see, this is a different deck. The other one has an official PRISM template, complete with a Google-colored ripoff logo. Presumably both were made in 2013 but by different incompetent office-dwellers. Was one an awful draft? That means the other was approved as the final product. This is just too horrifying to believe.

"Hey boss, we should tell them how awesome we are. We need to tell them that we can even intercept stuff that doesn't come through our datacenters. You know, how that Internet thing works."

"Great idea! Let's illustrate it with a series of lines and circles that isn't a map. And throw in a giant orange text block with bold, underlined text!"

Someone really likes big colored boxes. And green arrows. What better way to inform agents what they can expect to get than a disjoint list of sources and outputs with no specifics?

These people could really use a consultant.

Oh, wait... They had one...

What In The World Is A Deliverable?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 28 May 2013 15:51:00 +0000

If there is one constant in consulting it is the production of deliverables. But what the heck is a "deliverable" anyway? This is one of the first lessons in consultantese that new consultants learn...

Deliverables are pretty much what we consultants do: Deliver stuff. So, leave it to the consulting mind to come up with a suitably vague yet descriptive term for whatever we crap out at the client site!

A deliverable can be anything, but traditionally it's a full written report, printed and bound, delivered with an accompanying presentation. That's the Ultimate Deliverable.

But lately I've been successful in lobbying for lesser deliverables. After all, aren't bound reports kind of "1970's Rand" and don't we live 4 decades in the future?

After wowing my clients with my mad PowerPoint skills, I began de-emphasizing the printed report. Finally, I just delivered my write-up via email, focusing entirely on the preso.

Then came The Big Move: I modified the SoW to specify the report as an optional component, leaving just the presentation as the master deliverable.

Wouldn't you know it, the clients jumped all over the chance to save $10k by not having a printed report prepared. Sales went up, and management got on board. Yes!

Now I loathe The Deliverable a little less, since it's usually just a presentation. And, as every consultant knows, you can get away with pretty much anything you want in a presentation!

"Project Report" illustration by Nick Bramhall

I Got the Squeaky Chair

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 20 May 2013 13:38:00 +0000

Considering how often I find myself sitting behind a desk at the client site, you might be surprised to learn how much I loathe it. It's not that I don't want "face time" with the client - far from it! Rather, I despise the petty politics of cube life, especially when they don't mean a thing to me.

Take my chair. Please.

I know cube-dwellers place tremendous value in their chairs. And I realize that swapping chairs is one of the best things to happen when a co-worker is canned.

But why must I always be left with the old, squeaky rattle-trap? The one even the receptionist rejected? The one with mysterious stains straight up the center of the seat? The one "rescued" from under a cardboard box in the lunch room?

It's times like this that I fall back on Panera.

An Open Letter to Disgruntled Hotel Staff

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:30:00 +0000

The following is a response to the alleged Marriott staffer who complained about the tantrums of elite guests.

Dear hotel staff,

Do you know who I am? I am your best customer. I am the reason you have a fatter paycheck than the guy at the Motel 6. I am the reason you get to dress nicely and not worry about being mugged while on the evening shift. I am the reason your hotel can afford to offer a Starbucks, a restaurant, and a full-service bar. In short, you'd be screwed without me.

I know it must annoy you to have some rich prick complaining he didn't get his breakfast coupons and two bottles of water. And I know you must seethe when they complain that their upgraded room isn't upgraded enough, even though it's larger and nicer than your shared apartment. But take a breath and be nice anyway.

Consider this:

This prick (or his firm) spent more than your monthly rent for two nights in this room, so maybe he really is entitled to a big, luxurious room
Customers like him regularly toss around hourly-wage-sized tips (and more) to the staff at your hotel, but only if you're not a prick too
Anyone with top elite status spent more than your annual salary at the hotel chain you work for, so that one guy represents your job
I know it seems petty to ask for a bottle of water or cookie or piece of fruit, but this guy just got off a plane and he really is hungry

But most importantly, consider this: There are a dozen "business class" hotels in your city. If this arrogant prick decides to take his (and his firm's) business elsewhere, you're out of a job. And though you might not be living the high life like him, yours is going to suck if you get fired.

So hand over the water, upgrade the room, and thank him for his business. Feel free to rant, but only when you're off-property.

Sincerely,
A Crazy Consultant

TSA PreCheck: Hot or Not?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 06 May 2013 18:00:00 +0000

TSA PreCheck should be the best thing ever to traveling consultants like me. After all, it effectively rolls back security to pre-9/11 levels! But it's been worthless in practice, since you never know if, when, and where you'll get the nod.

See, the problem isn't with the idea of PreCheck - that frequent fliers should be allowed easier access through security. After all, people like us really aren't security risks, and it's nice for the government to recognize that. No, the issue is the fact that you never know if you'll be shunted out of the PreCheck line and through regular security. This can happen before you get in line (if your boarding pass is randomly un-selected) or even right at the time of PreCheck!

This makes it worthless, since you can't plan on the quick line. Best case, you spend more time drinking for free in the airport lounge. Worst case, you're back to waiting with for the Clampetts to take off their shoes!

Now Gary Leff over at View From the Wing reports that at least one airline may actually be pre-approving PreCheck! Yes! So if you're a Delta flier (ugh) you soon may be able to sleep a little longer rather than rushing to the airport at 5 for a 6 AM flight!